WATCH THIS EVERYDAY If You're Single & Want To FIND LOVE | Jay Shetty

so the five types of attraction are. physical financial. mental. emotional and spiritual and most of us. get involved in a relationship based on. the first three. people don't know how they want to. receive love. and they don't know how to give love and. like we said earlier that. the old wisdom that is. is is like to love and be loved is the. biggest need but we don't know how to. love and how to give love and we carry. so much of our baggage from previous. relationships and. experiences and we bring them into a new.

person. so it's like that person treated me like. that that must mean all men or all women. are like that which means now when i'm. with this woman i'm going to look at her. through the lens of the last person that. i was looking for them to to. to create this experience again right. exactly yeah so you know evidence of why. this person is this way exactly and so. now you're approaching each person with. the baggage of the last person. which doesn't make sense. you're not coming at it from a fresh new.

experience with the same lessons for. yourself but we start applying the. lessons to the other person so i think. that's the reason. why we struggle to have an intimate. connection now one of the things i talk. about here are the five types of. attraction yeah and and the reason why i. think this is the best way to figure out. language no no these are the five types. of attraction that i talk about right so. the five types of attraction are. physical. financial. mental. emotional and spiritual and i'll explain. what i mean by all of them so physical. is obvious. she or he is heart attracted i'm.

attracted to them financial or wealth. i like what they own i like what they. have i like what they've achieved i i. like that he went to princeton or. harvard i like that she's a scientist or. a ceo i like that she's a supermodel. like you like their status right so. you're attracted to that. the third thing that we're attracted to. is people's. mental abilities this is like when. you're attracted to someone's mind. like you just love the way they think. you love the way they articulate.

themselves you love all of that like. you're attracted to that. the fourth is. the emotional this is when you're. attracted to someone's emotional. intelligence you're like oh they're very. caring they're compassionate they. they're supported they have these good. traits and the fifth and final one is. spiritual where you're like you're. you're connected to that person's values. on a very deep level like what they. really live by now notice the first. three i equate them to chemistry. and the last two i equate to. compatibility. so the first three are chemistry and.

most of us get involved in a. relationship based on the first three. but here's the issue. you can feel chemistry. multiple times per day you can feel it. with the receptionist you can feel it. with your personal trainer you can feel. it with the barista at the coffee shop. you can feel it with the waiter or the. waitress. the spot you can feel that anywhere like. you can find someone attracted by one of. those qualities every single day. and the challenge is we get into a. relationship based on simply one of the.

first three. and there's nothing wrong with that as a. starting point it just can't be the end. point and so what we do is we keep. convincing ourselves that the first. three of cam chemistry is more powerful. than the last two of compatibility and. we're letting chemistry do the heavy. wood lifting. and it can't when we're making chemistry. do the heavy lifting the heavy work. they're like pull and push and like okay. like you you just take care of this. that's why so many people rely on good. sex to save a relationship they always.

be in conflict if the values and the. compatibility are not there and you're. relying on chemistry there'll always be. some conflict always yeah and and. chemistry really easily is those top. three and which is good to have so you. should but my point is you have both you. need to have both but you can't just say. because i'm mentally attracted to how. that person thinks that's good marriage. material. that's not good enough you can't say. because that because some we make broad. general generalizations we say things. like oh because he or she has a top. degree from a top college or a business.

school and they're at a top company they. must be really kind loving and organized. it's like what like how did you get a. good parent yeah yeah most of our good. parents how did you just draw that. parallel and so that's the way i would. talk about. entering a relationship is it can start. with the first three but don't let it. end without the last two yeah have the. emotional and the spiritual the values. correct that has to align for a real. long-lasting relationship i feel like i. could do this for another thing. it's amazing so good i want to finish.

with one yes one thought about service. because. you live a life of service i feel like. my mission is to be of service to you. you are in my business and my. relationships with my friendships it's. all about service for me as well and. this is a i think it's a quote from the. bhagavad-gita. which one is it plant trees no so this. this one is like a famous statement that. we see yeah. yeah yeah when you say plant trees under. whose shade you do not plan to sit i. remember you told me that this one's. from the bug and you told me that a. couple of years ago and i remember that. really blew my mind. because.

in. business when i started out i think it. was a lot of like okay let me do this. for you and you do this for me let's do. reciprocal type of stuff i was in the. online marketing world where it was. about joint venture shifts it was about. affiliate marketing and i'll do this and. then you promote me right. and then i started to shift it when i. got to the podcast seven years ago i. said i'm just gonna bring on people i. like and i'm just gonna serve it comes. around cool if not cool. and it's. it's hard i think to switch that.

mentality but it's so rewarding to come. from a place of giving and service to. literally wanting to see other people. succeed whether they help you or not in. return. how do we get to that place of that. mindset. when we're like but i really need some. help right now and i really want someone. to support me in return and i don't want. to give all my energy to someone if. they're never going to give me anything. in return how do we balance that yeah no. that's such a smart question because i. think the challenge is that we. become.

overly compassionate often. to. people in a certain way so what i mean. by that is. being compassionate and being giving. isn't about spending your whole day with. one person who needs your attention and. affection. if your purpose is to do something. different so for example you're putting. out this podcast you put out video. content you write books this is serving. lots of different people in lots of ways. and you're not expecting apart from the. person buying the book. and and getting the value from you don't. really expect them to do anything for.

you right you're not asking them to come. and. champion for you if they don't want to. so you're already planting those seeds. you're already sharing in that way and i. think the mistake we make is when we are. overly compassionate to one person and. we're doing it expecting that they're. going to do something back right so the. only way. don't be overly compassionate expecting. somebody in return yeah don't just just. if you see yourself. just don't do that if you're going to. feel that and that's okay like that. doesn't make you less compassion it. doesn't make you a bad person like if i.

don't want to and i have rules about. there are certain people in my life that. i don't ask for favors. because i don't ever want to be in a. position where i'm having to ask them. because not that they wouldn't do it or. whatever i just don't want to do that. it's just not who i am and it's like but. that's fine and there are certain people. in my life that i won't give to because. i know they're going to keep asking for. stuff and so you have to protect. yourself and i think self-protection and. being honest with yourself is the best. way so the. my favorite analogy in this is if. someone's drowning in the ocean.

if you're fit and healthy and you're a. lifeguard great you can go and save them. but if you're not you might need to call. the real lifeguard to come and help them. out. and that's what real compassion is real. compassion if you can't help someone if. you're feeling toxic one day you're. feeling negative one day you're feeling. you're not really giving from your heart. it's better to introduce them to someone. or find someone else who can help them. then to go in there with all these toxic. emotions and now you're expecting them. to live return the favor it's better to. not do it if you're gonna do something. and in your heart of hearts you're.

actually feeling bitter and regretting. it it's better not to do it because. guess what you weren't compassionate. when you did it with that intention. compassion is about intention it's not. about the result like two. people could give the same amount to. charity. one person gives it for pr one person. gives it because they care about the. kids who's happy the person who gave it. for the kids the person both people's. money had the same impact. but the intention is what defined what. happened so if you're. begrudgingly.

going out there and helping someone and. in your heart you're like oh i can't. believe they asked me who are they like. i don't even like them like they never. help me and then you help them that. guess what that's not compassion protect. yourself deal with it deal with that. toxic emotion so i don't help people. that when i feel like that. and i give myself that that space i know. or no yeah i just say. yeah i can't well i'll be honest with. them i'll say i in honest in the best. way that you can i've i don't think i. can support you on this because i don't. feel right about it it doesn't make.

sense to me or whatever it is like it's. not the right fit and i think that's. actually stopping yourself from being a. people pleaser yes because we we. actually are not compassionate we're. just people pleasers we actually just. want people to think we're like. magnanimous and amazing so we'll go and. go to every you know everything to. support everyone but it's like we're. resentful people pleasers exactly please. and then we're resentful that we've had. it exactly. and then now we want to make them feel. guilty for not doing their back so i. make a conscious effort to support the. people i love. to to make an effort with the people i. love and do more there and that's that's.

fine your compassion doesn't you don't. have to be this. overarching person who's like doing it. for everyone like that's that's part of. the journey it's going to take time to. get there. how do you know when you've found the. one and a lot of you been asking jay how. do you know when you've found the one so. here you go this is the video for you if. you've got any insights or ideas on how. you know when you've found the one write. them in the comments while you're. listening to me rambling on and giving. you these insights now think about it. for a moment in your life you've. probably had relationship and love. advice from so many different people and.

places you've probably had some from. your family your grandpa. he just. asked me to marry him one time one day. and i was like. no. no. and you've probably had some from your. friends you're already saying i love you. in this relationship. it's been like a month it's been three. months. [Music]. [Laughter]. not to forget you've definitely had tons. of advice knowingly or unknowingly from.

the tv programs you watch dumper and. without a doubt the movies that you. watch have had a massive impact on what. you think love looks like. and last but not least the songs that. you listen to every year new movies. songs tv programs are all released about. finding love you've got dating shows. reality tv and every week you have a new.

app that's promising you it will help. you find the one you've got apps that. help you find vegan people non-vegan. people people who love cars people who. love traveling and then even cuddler it. connects you with people who are just. looking to you guessed it cuddle. bristler matches people with beards with. those who want to stroke them and some. of those are pretty weird and not only. have we been exposed to so many. different ideas and advice from what we. consume but even the people around us. from watching our parents to watching. our friends to watching our aunts and. uncles to watching the people that we.

grew up around all of these ideas have. left an imprint on what we think about. love and finding the one and all of. these things also put ideas into our. heads about what the other person likes. you know girls like guys who drive cars. like this guys like girls who dress like. this and this starts to form our ideas. about what we believe about. relationships i'm gonna tell you one of. my favorite ones maybe some of you have. seen the movie a bronx tale maybe you. haven't you can check it out and in the. movie there's a scene where this really.

cool suave i believe he's somewhat of a. gangster guy says to the younger guy. who's kind of being mentored by him that. you know when you found the one when a. girl does this one thing you want to. know what that one thing is yes. he says that the ideal girl is a girl. that when you take her to your car you. open the door you let her in she sits. down and while you're walking around the. back to get to the driver's seat she'll. lean over and open your door for you if. she doesn't do that she's out right. she's not the one so it's crazy to.

believe that there's so many different. stories so many different examples of. advice being given to us all across our. lives what i'm gonna do today is give. you my top 10 ways of knowing when you. found the one are you ready here we go. number one they'll support and mutually. respect your dreams now that doesn't. mean that they're going to do your. dreams for you it doesn't mean that. they're always going to be there. cheering you on but it means that they. respect your priority about your dreams. they value what you're chasing they. believe in it as much as you do and they.

want to see you get there they're not. trying to hold you back they're not. trying to stop you from getting there. they're not trying to restrict you and. trap you in any way they want to see you. grow genuinely follow your dreams. number two they'll really be present. with you in the moment i love being. around people who help me forget to look. at my phone that's the kind of person. that you want to be with someone who's. not distracted by their phone by their. messages by their friends by anything. else when they're with you they're with. you if they keep forgetting what you're. saying chances are they're not the one.

are you even listening to me number. three the person is self-aware and knows. their self-worth they're independent. they're able to grow on their own they. have their own set of friends they have. their own set of values they have their. own set of priorities some of them may. match with yours but some of them may be. different but they're their own person. they're not looking for you to complete. them they're not looking for you to. finish them they're looking for you to. enhance them and help them grow they're. growing with you and they're gonna help. you grow too i'm here to help number.

four is the tough one it's called trust. probably one of the hardest rarest thing. in the world and i'm talking about. without checking are you spying on me. now this one's a tough one because. sometimes you find out the hard way and. some of us have been there so my take is. that trust should be earned it's not. something that should be given up front. but it's something that is earned. usually we have this belief that i. either trust someone or i don't trust. them at all my idea is that there's. actually layers of trust you have no. trust at the bottom but then there's.

step one step two step three step four. etc which leads to unconditional trust. the challenge is we put our expectation. when we're with someone that we can. unconditionally trust them and actually. their trust levels down here that gap is. exactly how much pain you end up feeling. remember trust is something that's. earned don't give it straight away let. that person through their actions and. their thoughts and their words earn your. trust you're gonna have to earn it. number five you don't always need. someone or something else to keep the.

chemistry keep the entertainment and. make things fresh when you feel like you. always need an external form of thrill. or excitement to keep everything special. between you two it's a sign that you may. not actually be connecting with each. other but connecting with that other. thing i want to sit and watch some more. tv. number six you can spend time apart but. can't wait to be back so you're. comfortable traveling different parts of. the world for work studying in different. areas of the world maybe in the same. country maybe in a different one but you. can't wait to be together and the. challenge is that we usually get.

frustrated when you're apart from. someone that you love or want to be with. you start getting frustrated and you. take it out on them which actually. weakens the relationship you know when. you found the one because you'll realize. that you don't let that frustration. affect your relationship with them you. find other ways of releasing sharing. that but you're making sure that you're. not ruining your own relationship. because of the frustration of not being. together in the first place. i don't want to fight with you. number seven you can disagree this is. the tough one people think that you.

found the one when you agree on. everything when you like the same stuff. when everything matches that's not true. at all you can actually disagree with. that person you can have different ideas. and you still learn to work together. it's pretty difficult to find anyone in. the world who agrees with you on. absolutely everything so they expect to. find the one who has that that's pretty. unlikely. i disagree number eight you don't have. to like each other's friends i think. there's so much pressure to be liked by.

the other person's friends for them to. like your friends for your friends to. like them chances are that you're. putting in way too many tick boxes that. are going to be quite difficult to. manage now if your friends think that. they're totally crazy or they think your. friends are crazy definitely take a look. at that she's very picky dude but the. truth is that it's important that you. guys get along even if they're friends. with a whole different circle of people. and you're friends with a whole. different circle of people that doesn't. mean you can't be great together we are. great together. we are a great team number nine you can. be your real self not your linkedin.

profile not your facebook profile not. your instagram profile not your twitter. profile you can let go of all those. identities and just be yourself who are. you. really and finally number ten you argue. not to get one up on each other not to. beat the other person not to defeat the. other person but so that you can come to. a healthy conclusion together it's more. of a discussion rather than an argument. or a debate because it's not about who's. right but it's about making sure that. you come to the right conclusion.

together you telling someone like these. are the three things she wants in bed. like that's not gonna change your. relationship if you aren't compatible if. you don't connect if you don't speak the. right love languages if you're not. empathetic if you're not vulnerable like. then that three list of this and. seventies to that isn't gonna do. anything it's void and and that's where. i'm trying to get to with people because. i don't want people to use sex as a. substitute for that and i don't want. people to use sex as an excuse for that. and i don't want people to use sex as a. cover-up for not having any of that. because i know having been in tons of. relationships where it was just physical.

and that's all there was. that's. the only time it felt good it didn't. feel good at any other time i didn't go. home with a beautiful feeling in my. heart. and then when it's only about that. that's also when it can be easily. replaced right because that's easily. changeable right and that's why i think. so many people go through and i talk. about my videos so much about cheating. and loyalty because when it is just. physical it becomes so much more easier. to just disconnect and fall asleep. yeah and now heartbreak yes what's your. advice on heartbreak.

i know you have you have a video up it's. like the five things people should do. through heartbreak and one of them is. like get rid of everything from the past. and only focus on the present and the. future yeah i like that's hard for. people i like getting rid of visual. triggers. i think the challenge in a lot of our. lives is that we're surrounded by the. same sounds the same sights. and the same people that we were in our. past and i see this with anything and. i'm sure you felt this when you went. deeper into your faith did your circles.

change 100 right when you went deeper. into your faith did what you look at. change 100 right so you look at my heart. change your heart change because. internal anecd's done yes because for me. when i transformed in my faith it was a. transformation of my heart yes not about. what i was actually doing or not doing. correct and that's what i feel for. anyone anyone that i've witnessed and. observed go through transformation in. their life their environments have. changed and so for me a lot of us are. making it harder for yourself it's like. saying i want to start working out every.

day but i don't own any trainers right. it's like that's not going to work it's. like doing the opposite like i want to. go on a diet but i'm going to keep. chocolate cake in my refrigerator right. like it's it's that so you're saying. you're enabling i want to get over the. past but i'm going to keep my ex's. sweater right next to me and i'm going. to keep all these text messages that i. can keep reading through again why do. people go back and read text messages. because from someone that broke their. heart because nostalgia and imagination. is more powerful.

right the feeling of nostalgia and this. is in studies too like the research by. nostalgia is you always think things. were better in the past with something. like that so you read a message you're. like oh but they love me so much and now. what you're doing is. reality's here and you've got your own. version of reality playing here so. you're basically writing your own movie. script up here. when reality's telling you this and. nostalgia is that script that fantasy. that's never going to be that fantasy. that isn't real so it's you saying i. don't want to accept what is. and i'm trying to accept what if those.

people who can't get over that that hump. what do you tell them. one of the biggest things that do you. really want no no no no no it's a good. it's a good conversation i think. one of the biggest things i say to. people is just like let's kind of break. their. space that they're in it's almost like. that person needs a space change and. they they need to get out of that zone. and so for me i'm always encouraging. people to start doing new things i think. it's so powerful when you go and have a. new experience when you try something.

new you join a new class you've never. done it before because guess what it's. about finding yourself again so you're. now learning new things about yourself. you're now falling in love with yourself. it's about falling in love with you. correct and i think that the biggest. mistake we make in that time is. everyone's telling you oh when's the. rebound like are you going to date this. guy when are you going to start dating. again or this girl when are you going to. be out there again and it's almost like. well no maybe it's where i go inside. this time and spend some time with. myself. and i think new experiences are a. beautiful way of doing that because you.

only learn new things about yourself. when you do new things with yourself. right. you never like you never do new things. with ourselves you always you're always. doing the same things with the same. people but imagine you're studying new. things on your own and now you have new. memories and one of the things i've been. talking about a lot with people is. forming new memories if you don't make. new memories the old ones will always. hold you back and that's why we're stuck. in the old because we're not making any. new ones so the new the old ones just. keep pulling you back the best way to. make new memories is a set up and.

experience do with a friend that you. love and when you go out there it's this. technique that's often used for. grounding in therapy and everything but. i use it for presents and that's how we. were trained in it as monks when you go. somewhere and you're like i want to take. a mental picture of this how many times. have you ever said that where you go. someone you're like i want to yeah have. this in my mind and i want to keep it. forever and the iphone camera is not and. the camera is not going to do it it's. not going to keep it emotionally and i. think we're so bad at creating emotional. memories that are new so the best way to. do it is called 54321 okay. so when you're in a space and let's say.

i want to do it of this i look at five. things that i could see so five things. that i can see right now so i'm gonna. say you obviously important part of the. memory you're important too yeah yeah. i'm doing it with you yeah i'm gonna say. the rug okay so i'm going for space okay. i'm gonna look at the ceiling so one two. three four i'm gonna say the couch so. there are five things that i can see. the second thing is four things that you. can touch okay so four things i can. touch my silky dress my really dry skin. you're good at descriptions silky dress.

dry skin this is good the rough textured. raw texture yes and oh my gosh yeah. amazing three things that you can hear. i can hear the light yes i can hear. myself swallow and i can hear your voice. perfect. and then two things that you can smell i. can smell my garlic. breath and. um i'm having a hard time smelling. basically anything because i'm seven. months pregnant. you can hear how clogged i am yeah me.

too but maybe my perfume okay okay and. then once all about me yeah no that's. good and then one thing you can taste. garlic great. so so if you did that. in an experience then you want to turn. it on forever. all you have to do to to make a mental. picture take a mental picture of. everything you do five four three two. one five things you can see. four things you can touch. three things you can hear. two things you can smell and one thing. you can taste i really like that yeah. it's beautiful and so and this is what i. mean by when you're going through a.

breakup the biggest mistake you make is. the old memories hold you back because. you don't know how to make new memories. and so my advice to everyone is go and. make new memories okay so i did tony. robbins right and it was enlightening it. was fun. and the biggest thing that i came away. with was i don't live in the present i'm. constantly living for the what's next. yes here we go you know okay team it's. time to hustle yeah and he said what are. you grateful for and i mean i could sit. there and say i'm grateful for my health. i'm grateful for my family i'm great you. know like i could list a few things but.

he said what are you grateful for in. your career and it's like i had to. really go. deep. and. i think that maybe if i started doing. the 5-4-3-2-1. i would be able to go back to. experiences. that. i thought my heart remembered but my. mind didn't totally and i am totally. implementing 543 and that's exactly what. it's so today it's used for a lot of. people who start with anxiety to bring. them back into the moment when we were. trained in as monks it was what we did.

for presents like gazelle you said right. and this is why the biggest mistake we. make is when you're having an experience. the only sense we activate is the eyes. and that's why when you're trying to. think of a past memory you go what was. it again. because you have to close your eyes. because that was the only one that was. activated whereas what we've done with. 5.321 is you've now absorbed this memory. through all the five senses which means. each one of them is going to give you a. different bun i like it yeah wow all. right switching gears a little bit i. really feel like insecurities.

breed negativity right. and a motto that i like to live by is. kill people with kindness. what do you think about that yes i love. that i agree with you completely this is. the beautiful thing that happens when. you say thank you to someone who's kind. to you it does three things the first. thing is you recognize kindness so now. you are triggering your mind to start. recognizing kindness and you're now. recognizing kindness in them. the second thing you do is you reinforce. kindness and then they realize they're. like oh when i'm kind people appreciate.

it right so i'm gonna be more kind so. you've now reinforced kindness within. them and the third thing is you help. them repeat it now that you've shown. them that their kindness is reciprocated. they're now going to be kind to more. people so now you've started this domino. effect of kindness just by thanking one. person who knew yeah it's so interesting. to hear you talk about being a monk and. like how you spend half the day working. on yourself and halfway the other day. working. to give out to others and. what is your take on putting yourself. first and like is it selfish.

so with with monk teachings the point is. you are. taking care of yourself first. in order to serve better. so it's always like i'm going to put. myself first. so that i can fill up so that i can. serve with more because we want to serve. with our best selves right i always say. this to people it's like people are like. jay should i go to this party should i. go out to this event should i call up. this person should i do this should i do. that i'm just like well if you're going. to show up there with that energy.

well you're going to have to convince. yourself to go then guess what that. person is going to feel that right. because if you want to show up then. you're going to show up with your best. so i feel for me it's not selfish. if the intention. is i want to give more and serve more. that's good it's it's selfish when it's. just like oh i'm just going to take care. of myself because that's all that. matters right whereas it's like no i'm. going to take care of myself because i. want to give my best self to the people. i love right to the people of the world. to the people i care for and so i'm. gonna keep prioritizing myself so i. went down the wrong journey when i first. started wanting to serve i used to just.

think oh yeah i'm gonna stay up all. night someone needs me to drive halfway. across the country i'll do that and i. would do things like that and i started. to realize i was just people pleasing i. wasn't serving i was actually serving my. own ego that was the most selfish thing. interesting it was the most selfish. thing because there's just people. pleasing but then i realized actually me. saying look you know what i need to get. a good night's sleep tonight but i. promise you first thing in the morning. we're going to talk about this and i'm. going to bring my best off to this. conversation people started to respect. that value that and gave me that space. are you tired of being single but sick. of the dating scene are you thinking.

about just giving up. if so this video is for you. 50 million that's the number of members. online dating site okcupid reported in. 2020 according to data from surveymonkey. intelligence and in any given minute an. average of 100 000 users are online on. okcupid alone that's not counting. mats.com tinder hinge bumble or any of. the other dating sites and apps 2020. estimates from compare camp state that.

in the us alone 30 million people were. using online dating sites and get this. tinder's total number of paid. subscribers tops over 59 million. online dating has real appeal right it's. easy and convenient you can browse. pictures and profiles while you're. eating breakfast or watching netflix. plus instead of just friends of friends. or people your mom wants to set you up. with the number of potential dating. candidates you have access to expands.

exponentially when you sign up for an. online dating so what's a catch okcupid. asks users up to 5 000 different. questions to help them find their ideal. match and guess what. all of this online chat with more people. plus the ability to pre-screen them may. actually be. why you're still single i knew it so if. you're frustrated that you haven't found. the one and you're thinking about giving. up on dating keep watching because i.

have some insights and solutions that. may help i got some really powerful and. profound insights into what's wrong with. how we're dating from relationship. experts and psychologists john and julie. gottman who are also husband and wife i. got to interview them for my podcast and. they told me something shocking which is. that when it comes to dating we put too. much emphasis on finding people. like us that doesn't mean we literally. look for people exactly like us but that.

we put too much emphasis on finding. people with the same hobbies the same. interests and ideals as we have agreed. to agree now that flies in the face of a. lot of what we think we know about. dating right we think it's about finding. people who share lots of things with us. and then we're more likely to be. compatible with them the gottmans. disagree and that's one of the reasons. online dating algorithms can fail us so. often i mean they don't fail in that. they don't work they do a great job of. matching people based on the criteria.

that we determine are important to us. but maybe we're focusing on the wrong. criteria the problem is that in reality. a lot of this criteria doesn't actually. make for a great match for us as so many. of us have discovered when we've. actually met some of those people in. person we can't even necessarily tell. who we'll really be attracted to from. their photos you look like your profile. pic finally one of the reasons for that. says the gottmans is our jeans and we. know this thanks to a bunch of sweaty. german t-shirts.

what did you just say one swiss. researcher and his team took a group of. 44 men and gave them nice clean cotton. t-shirts and asked them to wear them for. two nights in a row while they were. sleeping they also asked the men to. avoid things that would alter their. smell artificially like smoking eating. heavily spiced foods wearing scented. deodorants and while sleeping with. someone else you stink. here's where it gets really really weird. i'm not even going to guess how the. researchers came up with this idea they.

put the worn t-shirts in identical boxes. with a small hole in the boxes then had. 49 women come in and smell each of the. boxes you heard that right the women. came into a room and through the halls. got a whiff of the t-shirts sniff around. now they didn't eat smell all 44 shirts. each woman was asked to smell six shirts. and rate the shirts from 1 to 10 on. intensity pleasantness and sexiness. again you heard that right sexiness from.

smelling a t-shirt smells good now the. six shirts each woman got were specially. selected to include three that were for. men with a closer genetic match to them. and three from men who are less of a. genetic match consistently the women. preferred the smells of the men who are. less genetically matched remember they. had no information about the men no. photos no personal details. only the smell of dead t-shirts. researchers theorized that these.

particular genes which play a role in. the development of our immune systems. help to keep us from being attracted to. people who aren't genetically diverse. enough from us which could potentially. negatively impact the health of our. offspring and the smell of a t-shirt and. our genetic matchiness is the kind of. information that even the highest tech. online dating algorithm has not mastered. if we don't give it the right. information anyway beyond our genes i. asked the gottmans what we tend to get.

wrong when it comes to dating they said. that we often screen for things that. don't really matter when you meet. someone you're truly compatible with on. a deeper level lots of those things. don't actually matter when i asked the. gottmans what does matter they gave me a. list of eight things to look for and. here they are number one does the person. listen to you do they show genuine. interest in getting to know you do they. ask you meaningful questions and really. listen to the answer i'm listening. number two are they reliable and.

consistent or do they play games like. playing hard to get that's a big red. flag that's a red flag number three. are they honest and sincere i would. never lie to you number four are they. attentive is it clear that they consider. your needs desires and feelings it's not. all about you number five are they kind. or instead are they critical do they. make biting sarcastic remarks that just. aren't funny. that's not funny number six are they. generous.

sharing is good number seven are they a. person of substance and character and. are they respectful i do not respect you. and eight finally does it feel good to. be with them this feels so. good so does that mean you should ditch. the dating apps i'm definitely not. saying you should stop using apps but. instead it may be helpful to shift what. you're using them for helen fisher is an. anthropologist and the chief science. officer for match.com she says we have. the wrong idea about how much and.

similar sites in that they are not. dating sites they are introduction sites. entrepreneur christina wallace agrees in. a hilarious ted talk where she discussed. some of the perils she faced doing. online dating before she finally met the. one christina says that it's not the. apps that are broken it's our. expectations of them after countless. dating fails christina decided to start. going about her app use more. strategically and set up a screening. system for every message she received.

from a new potential match where she. would evaluate them for three criteria. now remember these were things that were. important to christina yours might be. totally different number one the message. had to be written in complete sentences. with good grammar number two it had to. reference something specific about her. so she knew they weren't just cutting. and pasting their messages number three. the message could not contain anything. sexual of 210 new messages christina.

received 14 percent met these criteria. for her next step christina decided she. wanted to meet the guys quickly because. as she said the things i cared about i. couldn't see online she was tired of. going back and forth for days or weeks. exchanging long messages or committing. to full dates only to find out they had. no real chemistry or the guy only wanted. sex so christina created what she called. a zero date where the ground rules were.

that they would include just one drink. over one hour and in that time only one. question she needed to answer for. herself was would i like to have dinner. with this person would i like to spend. three hours with them if the zero date. went well she'd see if they wanted to. have a first date then just go from. there i absolutely love this approach to. not give an online dating app the full. responsibility of matching you with the. perfect person but instead for just. presenting you with a lot more options.

to choose from from there you can do. what christina did and come up with a. few not 19 or 20 basic screening. criteria to see if you're interested in. meeting them in person that way you can. immediately rule out people who don't. meet your baseline but you're less. likely to disqualify a potential partner. too soon over things that don't really. matter are you looking for the one are. you trying to find that big love of your. lifetime and you feel like you've tried.

everything and looked everywhere if so. this video is for you the reality is. there are so many ways we can end up. finding our person there isn't really a. single solution for everyone but i will. tell you one big thing you need to stop. doing if you want to find the one and. it's something most of us do and i'll. tell you two things to do instead. according to the us census one in four. millennials speaks a language other than. english at home in california it's one. in two regardless of what language they.

use at home there's one word that. millennials worldwide are speaking less. than ever marriage according to the. census about 3 out of every 10 american. millennials have ever been married. according to data from the pew research. center younger adults are getting. married at the rates 11 to 20 lower than. the baby boomers and the silent. generation. look all around and there's no shortage. of opinions as to why some say. millennials are too broke to get married.

too expensive others say they're too. busy building their careers or pursuing. higher education i have more important. things to do then there's the idea that. millennials just don't believe in. marriage that it's a broken system whose. time has passed i don't believe in that. sort of thing personally yet according. to data from avo an online legal. marketplace 82 percent of millennials. surveyed disagreed with the statement. that marriage was an outdated. institution and a study conducted by. acuvue brand contact lenses found that.

52 of respondents strongly agreed that. marriage is important to them others say. it's long-term commitment that matters. to them whether or not it involves. marriage i know from all of the messages. and questions i get from you and from. talking with my own single friends that. most of us do put a committed. relationship as one of our top. priorities and the reason so many of us. haven't found the one is well we don't. really know. that's a question i get so often jay.

what am i doing wrong what do i need to. do to find the big love of my life and. that's what we're talking about today. when it comes to dating and. relationships there's no shortage of. advice and a lot of it is conflicting. should you be scientific on data driven. or dreamy do you need to take an. approach that's organized or organic the. answer is both i'll explain in a minute. but first let's talk about the one thing. that most of us get flat out wrong when. it comes to finding the one here's what.

it is we create an ideal picture of the. perfect person you're probably like jay. what isn't that exactly what we're. supposed to do otherwise isn't it like. trying to find a town you've never been. to before without using a map not so. says relationship expert marla madrone. marla talks about that the biggest. mistake we make in trying to find our. ideal partner is that we look for our. ideal partner she explains that we. create this detailed picture of who we. want to be with then when we meet people. we fill in the gaps in what we know.

about them with our own projections. whether those are positive or negative. the problem marla says is we're not. really seeing and learning who the other. person is we're creating a perception of. them based on a blend of our own prior. experiences along with our needs and. expectations and they're doing this with. us too rarely do we actually see each. other for who we are so we reject or. embrace each other based mostly on. inaccurate perceptions so we're either. alone and we're not sure why or we're in. a couple's therapy trying to figure out.

who we are and re-engineer our. relationships i love this because it. reminded me of one of my favorite quotes. which is from sociologist charles horton. cooley the quote is i'm not what i think. i am and i'm not what you think i am i. am what i think you think i am as i. write in my book think like a monk our. identities are wrapped up in what we. think others think of us so. what do you think a common problem in. many of our relationships is that we're. method acting we're relating to one.

another from these false places or these. roles not purposefully but because we. don't really know ourselves marla says. that the way we stop doing this is know. yourself she says that cultivating. self-awareness is the most powerful. thing we can do to strengthen all of our. relationships it helps us build healthy. boundaries nurture open and honest. communication end toxic relationships. and yes find the one i really understand. the value of self-awareness when i. trained as a monk it was like a. three-year intensive on learning who you.

are self-awareness is so critical to. everything we do from creating. fulfilling relationships and careers and. families to just being happy and. experiencing joy meaning and purpose on. our own i first met my wife radi before. i ever became a monk she was great but i. just wasn't in that place and she wasn't. in that place and so while we enjoyed. each other's company there was no. romantic connection after i left the. ashram and spent more time with radhi.

who'd become one of my sister's closest. friends i got to experience a different. broader version of her because my lens. had changed i was so much more. self-aware and i knew what was important. to me and also what wasn't important to. me and although i wasn't out on a flat. out search for the one at the time. i had that solid foundation in place and. so did she so that we were both able to. see and connect with each other as who. we really are and every day i can see. our continuing to work on our own. self-awareness strengthens our.

relationship with each other now that. doesn't mean things are always perfect. and easy but that's one of the beautiful. things about loving relationships. ideally we're with someone who we can. continue to grow with and who we still. learn new things about all the time. psychotherapist and relationship expert. esther perel says that novelty and. newness is a key element to lifelong. attraction so when it comes to finding. the one how do we do it here are two.

steps first begin with you build that. self-awareness there are so many ways to. do this but here is a simple way to. start figure out your love language some. of you know gary chapman's five love. languages remind me again what that is. the five love languages are words of. affirmation acts of service giving gifts. physical touch or quality time then as. much as possible speak this love. language to yourself as i write in my. book so many of our problems occur when. we expect another person to fulfill all.

of our needs and to be everything to us. it's all about me as marla says we're. actually capable of meeting far more of. our own needs than we give ourselves. credit for and when we learn to deeply. love and support ourselves we have more. fulfilling relationships because we can. freely and gratefully receive what. others are willing and able to provide. we can love them for who they really are. and we can be loved for who we really. are so start by identifying then. speaking your own love language to.

yourself tell yourself you look great. have you been working out or take a nice. hot bath buy yourself a gift you'd love. i'm gonna buy a house or schedule some. quality solitude time to be in. relationship with yourself hey it's fine. to have a list of what's important to. you and what you're looking for and in. fact that is a good thing when it comes. to deep core values or goals such as. whether you want kids whether the other. person treats you with respect and is. genuinely interested in learning who you.

are and whether you truly enjoy spending. time with them remember those statistics. i gave earlier about how millennials. aren't getting married well that's only. part of the picture as anthropologist. helen fisher says the majority of. younger people today are practicing what. she calls slow love they're not just. getting married they're waiting to get. married so they can be more sure of. their choice today fisher says 86 of. americans will marry by age 49 and. around the world people are still far.

more likely than not to settle down with. a long-term partner and the good news is. that those couples are more likely to. stay together so that's the second step. practice slow love really let yourself. get to know people we struggle with. ambiguity is this person the one or are. they not and am i running out of time. sometimes a match or no match is evident. pretty quickly but in most cases it. takes time but knowing yourself and then. really getting to know the other person. for who they truly are is the perfect.

one-two combo for finding real. lasting. long-term. love the first time i actually met. raleigh was. before i became a monk. and i met her very briefly i thought she. was beautiful and. and and attractive but i didn't really. think anything of it like i just. i genuinely just was so focused on what. i was doing at life at that time and. i was so spiritually inclined.

and spiritually focused that i i. literally didn't think anything of it. yeah and my mom introduced me to you. yes so i should tell that story yeah so. actually i met rodney's mom even before. i met her yeah and so i was. training. to become a monk and i met radhi's mom. and i was asked to show her how to do a. particular. service at the temple so i had to take. her around etc now the incredible thing.

about this is that that is the only time. you ever while i was there that i was. ever asked to show another person how to. do this service so the one day that i. had to show someone how to do this. particular service this voluntary. service at the temple it was the one day. that her mom turned up and at that time. i didn't know she had a daughter i. didn't know anything about this lady i. was like oh she's around my mom's age. yeah and and she was she was wonderful. and and we got along but i was just. showing her what to do and then. literally didn't speak to her no and.

then my mom wanted me to get more. involved in and i really wanted to get. more involved in. like the spiritual side of my life and. so she met him and wanted me to. get introduced to the youth community. there and so she passed on my number to. you but you passed on to your sister. yeah absolutely yes i passed it on to my. sister i was like no i need to stay. focused do my thing and my sister's very. spiritually inclined too big shout out. to amy. and.

and then yeah and then you guys got. connected and you became friends yeah. and actually at that point my mom said. to me oh you know i met this really nice. really nice guy at the temple and she. was like to me after i met him i prayed. and i was like i hope my daughter meets. somebody like this i know he's going to. be a monk but i hope she meets someone. that's like this because he seems really. nice. um little did he know what was going to. happen. and then um never happened he became a. monk. i heard you speak oh i heard him speak. all the time because he used to do. lots of.

youth programs or university talks and. sessions on philosophy and meditation. yeah philosophy meditation and i was. just like oh my gosh he's such an. incredible speaker and the way that he. uh makes such incredible wisdom so. relevant to us who were like young. teenagers or. [Music].

i'm the one who remembers it yeah i. don't remember anything i barely. remember things happened like two years. ago um so no i wasn't a teenager i was. out of university. which feels like a long time ago so i. was in my 20s and yeah i saw him. speaking i just thought it was so. incredible how he was able to articulate. such. yeah such deep wisdom in a way that was. so relevant to. people who were so young and and. probably wouldn't have been so. interested in reading a book about it um. and so i was in awe of him and he also. looked really cool he had like a bold.

head he didn't look like the type of. person who was going to be speaking. about these things he had like tattoos. and a bald head but then he was in robes. this is really really cool but weird at. the same time. he was so strange yeah. and. and then it was then when i left being a. monk. which is our story in itself we can talk. about that another day when i when i. left being a monk her and my sister were. really really close yeah and me and my. sister are really really close i trust. my sister she's one of my best friends. and.

i sat down with her one day and she said. well you know what bradley likes someone. and and i was just like oh who and i. just think she was going to say some. other person's name and she's like she. really likes you. and i was like. oh i i really like her like i'd love to. get to know her better and we'd we'd. interacted we'd had we'd got to know. each other a bit better because we'd. organize charity events together etc and. so i'd seen her. not in. the role of being a girlfriend obviously. or someone that i was dating i'd seen. her interact with other people.

other other humans. inside a project management organization. organizing events so i'd seen her. personality and like observed how she. behaved around certain people how she. had talked to people how she interacted. with people and and based on all those. things i thought she was a great person. so. when my sister told me that i was i was. secretly quite happy as well and i. always heard about him through his. sister and his sister would talk about. him with so much love and affection and. he treats her like. she's his baby no matter how old she.

gets she's literally like his baby and i. used to see like conversations between. them and he's like oh my gosh he's so. sweet like he's so sweet even though. he's yeah he's gone off being a monk but. he was still really really caring and. loving towards towards his sister and. his family. and then yeah i told her that i liked. him before. before uh he knew about it or before. you'd probably even thought about it. yeah yeah. so then that was it really that's how we. met we. almost met before i became a monk. when you had a conversation etc yeah.

never had conversations never spoke but. but i just seen each other in our own. elements yeah and then when i left left. being a monk uh. you know. later that year we we started going out. so that was around the towards the end. of 2013. and then it just went really. fast we both we both kind of as soon as. we spoke about it we both knew that we. wanted to be with each other and we were. really certain about it and. it could have gone really wrong but we. were like we could have both been really.

crazy um but it ended up just working. out we both really had kind of. understood each other just by observing. one another i guess and um there were a. few surprises i'm sure but um. we yeah we got along straight away and. we were both pretty much went from yeah. i really like you too yeah i love you in. like a day and then it was like yeah we. want to get married in like a week um as. in we didn't get married in a week but. we wanted to we said we wanted to get. married eventually in a week after that. um. and then we ended up spending a lot of. time at each other's homes right. um he was spending a lot of time at my.

house for ages. i mean that's pretty much where i took. him to have all of our dates because i. loved being around my family and i was. like best of both worlds i can be around. the person that i want to spend the rest. of my life with and the people that i've. spent most of my life with. and so yeah most of our dates would. would involve my parents. um and my sister and my brother-in-law. at the time and so we got to know each. other kind of in our own environments as. well really fast which i think helped. us fast forward a lot easier yeah.

absolutely and i remember that my sister. gave me like an action plan she's like. this is all you're going to get along on. this is what you're going to struggle. with and this is going to be your. challenges and and i definitely owe it. to her to bring us together yeah i think. she was a huge part of she was us being. together my sister definitely and and. she was like because she knows me so. well and i feel she got to know you well. as well she was just like this is what. you guys are going to agree on this is. what you're not going to agree on this. yeah it was just it was so nice to have. that yeah because you could go into a.

relationship having more understanding. of the other person can i just say one. of the things she said that we wouldn't. get along on is bollywood because i. loved bollywood songs and films at the. time but. like a good bollywood song questionable. question yeah questionable yeah. i decided to get over there yeah. and you you've barely eaten yeah yeah. yeah you've got to go. for it yeah but yeah we spent a lot of. time in each other's parents homes and. with our families which was great. because you had to be yourself i used to. love what your mom used to tell you my. mom was so funny so obviously like it.

was a person to her that was you know we. were dating and so usually you would put. in a lot of effort in the way that you. dress and uh doing your hair when the. person you're dating comes over. but um yeah i would literally be in the. same clothes that i was wearing like the. whole day which was pretty much like. pajama bottoms and and a really scruffy. top my mum would be like do you not want. to maybe you know put a different top on. or you don't want to change your. trousers i was like no mom if he can't. love me in what i'm wearing right now.

which is what he's probably going to see. me for the rest of his life then it's. just not meant to be okay we have like. he has to love me for and she would okay. but you could try you know a little bit. i was like no and it worked so. yeah. and she's so beautiful and cute like. even when she's dressed on her bow chic. i'm just like i love it you know and. it's quite nice actually like i i. genuinely believe this like i. rarely see her with makeup on yes and so. like it's it's fun when you when you. fall in love with someone based on who. they are and their personality and their. energy and all of that beauty shines.

through so yeah i love you so that leads. us nicely on to the next point that our. friends wanted to discuss which is. what's the key to starting off a. relationship well. like what's the key to starting it off. well so one thing for me was. was this that because we didn't see each. other in. dating environments a lot. i feel like dating environments put this. pressure of being in an interview so i. compare dates to interviews it's almost. like you have to put your best foot.

forward you wear your best clothes you. try and say all the best things and even. if it's not the best actually it's us. trying to be right and that's what we do. in interviews when you go an interview. for a job it's like you want to be the. right fit for that person yeah and. that's what happens in a dating scenario. like you're sitting opposite desk just. like you're doing an interview. and then someone's asking you a question. and you're like okay well what do i have. to say to make them like me or to say. the right thing whereas we didn't really. get to do that no and i'm not saying. that that was a conscious choice but now. when i look back at it and i reflect on. it and introspect on it i'm like we.

didn't really get an opportunity to date. in that sense and that means that i got. exposed to the real her either by seeing. her in a charity organization seeing her. in a real life scenario how does she. treat normal people. and then how she's with her family and. i'm like that's the best view you can. get of someone and so when i look at. that in terms of giving advice or tips. or whatever. my recommendation is. be around people that you're thinking. about being with in an environment where.

they're just being themselves because. chances are if you like them the way. they are when they are with other people. then you're likely to love them when. they're with you too and so often we. only see people. that we are considering being romantic. with or dating etc we only see them in. dates and dinners and movie nights and. whatever it is right. yeah i agree i feel like you see and. also seeing people with the people that. they're closest to because you can't. really fake it with the people that. you're closest to i mean if you can you. could do it for a really short period of.

time and you also end up seeing them. being probably at their worst and at. their best because you can be the most. loving to your family but you can also. be the worst person towards your family. because they're the ones that accept it. and so yeah i feel like you get a good. image of who the person is through. through interacting with them that way. absolutely yeah good point thanks nicely. said. it's true yeah and. and the other thing is. i so when we first got together i'd left. being a monk probably like seven months. before so it's been like a seven month. gap.

and i didn't have a job. oh yeah i had no job i had no money no i. was getting rejected left right and. center from every single place that i. was applying to because i'd been a monk. for three years and no one wanted to. hire someone who had monk written on. their resume like no one's like oh yeah. i would love your transferable skills. like you know like what do you know and. so oh you can meditate for four hours. great we need that in our organization. so it was just there was no. i had nothing really yeah and.

that's a great way to start dating. someone because there's very i remember. i used to save up so i used to like try. and work part-time. and i was doing everything i could you. were tutoring i was tutoring so i would. like i would be tutoring young people. for their exams or university exams et. cetera and i would be making like you. know 15 pounds an hour or whatever it. was and i remember i'd save up so i. could take her out on a date at the end. of the month and so that we could do. something fun. and and i loved the fact i loved that. because i met her at a time when when i.

had nothing and she accepted me for it. yeah i love her for that and also. her parents were always really cool. about it so sometimes that can be a big. pressure from parents and expectations. but her parents were really cool about. it they never made me feel uncomfortable. about it or anything and my parents. obviously were very comfortable with me. they were just like follow your heart do. what's right for you very very. encouraging and i'm not i don't come. from a well of background at all or. anything so it's not that i had a backup. plan but my parents were still very very.

encouraging and supportive. yeah i. i that was never. in my mind to be honest i was i knew i. wanted to be with you and so i was like. to my mom even if we end up living in a. really tiny house just by like near the. temple that i used to go to and just i. know that i want to spend my life with. him so whatever it ends up being and you. were really really. enthusiastic and you had so much purpose. and even from the beginning like you. were so driven to do whatever you wanted. to do i didn't know what that was at the. time.

but you were so driven that i just knew. whatever it was whatever we were meant. to be was what was gonna happen and so. and i knew you would never you're always. like gonna be there to take care of me. and i felt that from the beginning like. i always felt supported you wanna hold. hands yeah i'm not good at pda so i'm. gonna not do that oh my god. [Music]. it was it was really nice and i feel. like he had a lot of the qualities that. i always felt. i would always grow up saying oh i. really want a husband that was like my. dad like i love my dad and he was always.

someone that i felt very protected and. supported by and so i just definitely. now looking back at it i felt those. qualities in him as i got to know him. and so i thought yeah that was that was. nice and my parents yeah my parents my. parents and kerry that i always thought. it would be you know you always think in. indian families that's going to be an. issue. but they loved him from the start he's. got really good i don't know what you. guys have noticed but he's got a really. good way of saying things and and. winning people over by his words so it's. real though i know that's why it's. genuine and it's sweet so from those. interactions i think my parents trusted.

him very easily as well um i really get. along with your parents i know yeah and. it was so great for me because amy was. already like my sister and me and your. mom got along straight away because we. bonded over food and so yeah it was. really easy for us both to to join into. each family. but yeah another thing i think that's. really important at the start of a. relationship. is. self-awareness and setting expectations. so i feel that having done the work as a. monk and having been through that. experience myself i'd gained so much.

self-awareness so i was really aware of. what type of partner i needed in my life. i was really aware of what i needed in. my life to flourish to thrive and so. when i met someone it was very easy for. me. it was very easy and simple for me to. communicate my expectations to her and. be like. i i remember one of the things i said. and this is not offensive at all it's. genuinely how i felt at the time and i. said that if you want a husband who goes. to ikea on the weekends and to the.

cinema like i'm not that guy and i. didn't mean that as a bad thing if. anyone is that what i meant that as is i. want to be someone who lives their lives. of purpose and i want my life to be. about service and i want my life to have. an impact on people's lives and i need a. partner that's going to. understand that embrace that and roll. with that as well and wants to live. not a normal life because that wasn't. going to work for me if i really wanted. to have an impact if i really wanted to. make a difference if i really wanted to. serve and so that wasn't an ego thing it.

wasn't me thinking i'm better or above. or special it was me saying this is a. priority for me. and i don't need it to be your priority. but i need you to understand it to be. mine and i think this is really. important that we should feel that if. we're genuinely committed to something. when you make someone aware and same. back from her side too like when she and. she'll share hers but when she's made me. aware of what her priorities are and. what's important to her you start. respecting what's important to the other. person rather than expecting them to.

trade theirs right and that's usually. what happens in relationships in the. beginning is instead of showing respect. for the other people's passion you. expect them to change their passion for. yours or compromise and be excited about. your stuff and and i don't think that. that's the right way i think it's us. being clear about ourselves. communicating that and then respecting. what the other person communicates yeah. i think we discussed that really early. on actually yeah just to be clear he has. come to ikea with me on the weekends. and movies. um but you know i understood the point.

of it and i remember at that time when. he was really pushing for what he wanted. to do. um he was very very busy and so there. were certain things i mean he spent a. lot of time with me and my family but we. had just agreed that look if there was. extended things that i had to go to. because with families there's always. other things that you have to go to like. family friends or relatives houses for. every event possible and if that. happened. then i knew that i was okay with him not. coming to them and i said that to him. from the beginning.

if you need to go and do something which. is i know for you more important not. because for the purpose that you want to. live then i totally understand that. comes above you just coming to another. party which people are not probably. going to remember like it's okay um and. i think that was really actually really. important for us because you can always. hear what other people say like family. members or friends or whatever will. always have a different opinion and so. as long as you feel like. you have. discussed it and you really understand.

that person's point of view then you. don't feel kind of it doesn't rub off on. you when people say things because you. understand it deeply whereas if you. don't then i think it's really easy to. get swayed by other people's view of. life or other people's way of. relationships or whatever it is like you. can get that can rub off on you very. easily but if you really understand that. person and why they're doing it i think. that can make a big difference to you. supporting them in why then why they're. doing it. thank you. the first question that i have from our.

team. is. what do you find hardest about love. i was actually thinking about this this. morning when i think about coming and. speaking here speaking here coming and. speaking to you um and i was thinking. about how you know a lot of the time. when you end up feeling um annoyed at. your partner or irritated in some way or. when they really annoy you. um i actually actually made me realize. that a lot of the time you know they say.

it ends up being a reflection of you. and i think a lot of. when i think about what ends up like. when we have our like petty arguments or. whatever it is i feel like it's actually. because it hits at a sore point of me. realizing that it's it's my whatever. we're arguing about how i'm reacting. it's my weakness and a lot of the time. that stubbornness and so i feel like. whenever we i think that's quite that's. quite a difficult thing when it comes to. relationships or love is that the other. person because you spend so much time. with them and because um you know they.

they know you better than anybody else. that they end up being a reflection of. actually you so every time you end up. having interactions with them that. aren't that great actually a lot of the. time you can sit there and be like maybe. that had a lot more to do with me how i. reacted rather than that other person. but sometimes it's them too. that's a really good answer that's a. really good answer i think that's such a. good point i was i think what i'm saying. is i would second that. and to give another answer to give a. different answer i also feel the hardest.

thing in a relationship is you're always. projecting. your strengths onto the other person's. weaknesses. so. you want the other person to be more. like you. but when you really think about it you. don't like you yeah yeah you love the. other person for not being like you. but when you say things like i'll give. an example that. i'm. super organized disciplined lived by the. schedule on time. who am i and and and at times in our.

relationship i've wanted you to become. like that yeah and do things like me. and when i've really sat with that and. really thought with that i realized. actually i don't want you to be like me. because i love you for not being me yeah. and. the things that you bring to this. relationship whether it's spontaneity. whether it's being fresh whether it's. being always alive like. that's the strength. and i think what we do in relationships. is we dampen our partner's strengths.

instead of amplifying them yeah. and what that does is it makes your. partner feel like they have to do. something different or be something. different but actually if you amplify. their strengths which is the part you. love anyway yeah you're going to have a. much more. fulfilling and exciting relationship so. i think that i find that hard because i. think we all live in our heads yeah it's. so true and we think the way we think is. the right hey what do you want to do. tomorrow and you're like well i kind of. have a nine to five like six schedule. ready to go for the next like six months. and i'm like oh.

so you don't want to go shopping with me. or you don't want to go to like get some. plans. and yeah no i agree and and i feel like. it's but i also think from. from that that you know it also helps. even if you're not doing even if you. feel like it's a negative thing to um to. notice that and to um. to try and correct it in the same way i. think you can also help the other person. tighten up on that area of their life. too like okay cool you may be super. organized and i may be not very. organized at all but at the same time we.

can find like a good middle ground when. we're together where it's like okay you. know that i like being spontaneous so. maybe randomly you'll be like okay cool. like what you do you're like oh you know. i won't i'll just cancel my meeting or. i'll i'll i won't do this and let's just. go do this and for me i'm like oh okay. and i i know that i try to be a little. bit more organized where i'm like okay i. need to make sure i do this today i need. to make sure i give you this today like. whatever it is like trying to. trying to make that better as well. because even though it's a strength in. some ways every strength ends up being a. weakness in some way too so i think it.

helps you know kind of balance it out as. well and and help the other person. notice when they need to probably. change a little bit. absolutely okay second question is. how did your relationship change in 2020. how did you i kind of feel like. this felt like our like first year of. marriage because we um probably well no. not probably we have not spent this much. time together in our whole entire. relationship and so i kind of feel like. for me it felt like we were on our.

honeymoon type field where we just got. married and we were learning so much. more about each other but. but then we ended up um yeah just just. really understanding one another and. settling into each other a lot better. than we probably even have for the past. how many have been married like three. years four years i've nearly been. married five years nearly five years but. it feels like one year um but yeah no i. think it really made us um. it really helped us understand each. other better it helped us get into a. rhythm together which i don't feel like. we ever really had a rhythm together.

um. and so i think it's actually changed um. in most like in i can't think of any. ways that it's changing and negative i. really think that it's improved our. relationship through figuring a lot of. stuff out but it's definitely got to a. point now where i'm like oh wow this. that whole year. was definitely a good jump or a good. step up for us yeah i'd have to say one. of my favorite things was. it was the first year where we started. doing a lot of. physical activity together. because we always go and like travel.

together or something like that but it. was the first year we started actually. working out and exercising together yeah. so we used to go on hikes up griffiths. park. and then runyon. and then we'd go on walks and just so. many. opportunities to be in nature together. because we weren't going to the gym and. then we were doing in-home workouts. together with a virtual workout. and we'd put our playlist on with that. song that you were talking about the. other day. that's the song of 2020 for me and i.

just think that we were forced to just. spend so much time together but we. actually found ways to do things we. enjoyed together i think we actually. realized that um we were spending time. together in the wrong ways before like i. feel like that's what it made us realize. that we thought going shopping together. or going to watch a movie together was. like and sitting and watching a movie. together were the ways that we would be. spending time together and then we. realized that actually we just really. enjoy doing. whether it's like normal things like. working out but it feels so much more.

fun for us than sitting there and doing. something that feel i don't know i don't. have to explain it but yeah like. something that when we're not talking or. we're not interacting um. and the focus is somewhere else whereas. this it's like you're completely focused. on the activity completely focused on. the other person. and um it was just so much more fun to. do that stuff together even if it is. just like working out and or going for a. walk or whatever it is but it felt so. much more interactive and. like yeah so much more fun yeah and for.

everyone who's listening and watching. this was the year. that radhi and i've spent the most. actual time together since we've been. married yeah and since we were dating. because i'm always traveling she's back. at home in london sometimes she's. traveling. and for us to be in this space together. we we had to focus on learning about. each other even more so. it was a big change for us yeah. and. like radi said i i think the same i. think it just brought about positives. for us thankfully.

and. you know we we grew a lot closer this. year yeah and i do think it's also. because we. it i don't feel like it it felt natural. but at the same time it was natural. because we were both very aware and. intentional of how we were interacting. with the other person because of how bad. it's gone in the past i feel like we. have been able to use all of those. mistakes that we made where we were. really trying to figure out a way for it. to be better like we both had the. intention of making it better. whether it was like quarantine whether.

it was whatever it was that like i feel. like we'd gone through so many. times where we tried and it may be like. we still weren't understanding each. other we were like no this time we both. actually really want to intentionally. make an effort to. have conversations that we maybe don't. have to um. resolve things in a way that we don't. normally resolve things and so yeah i. think i think that that's also important. because it wasn't just like oh this was. nice like it just happened this way i. feel like it was definitely something we. thought about and tried as well.

i'll do a question for you. um. i was thinking about this earlier too. like and i was gonna ask you separately. but i thought why not ask you on here. put you on the spot um what is. like okay for example you know in a. relationship when one person asks the. other person to do something like i. always think about this with you because. you always regardless of when i ask you. to do something no matter if you're like. let's say something simple like we're. both sitting watching something and i'm. literally like to you oh i really want. this and like i haven't even asked you.

to do it but you'll literally get up and. you'll go and do it for me or like i'll. ask you to go get something and you're. like you won't even flinch like you'll. go out of your way to do it and actually. i was thinking about it and like that. seems like such a small thing. but i actually feel like it's not. because a lot of the time where even if. it's with your mom your dad whatever he. says oh do i really have to go and get. it like can't you just go do it yourself. but you i feel have. generally always been like that and so. i'm just gonna ask you because i think. it'll be helpful for other people too. and helpful for me like what goes. through your mind when.

even if i'm being really irritating or. being a brat like what makes you just. continually do that without. yeah without like moaning the first. thing that goes through my mind is you. are such a brat yeah. you are you are closer to that light. switch right now you are closer to the. water container right now yeah why are. you asking me to do this that that's the. first thing that goes through my life. and then and then my monk mine comes in. and.

there's two sides to it first of all i. know you're not asking me. because. you're trying to make my life difficult. you're doing it because you want to be. loved that way. and. maybe yeah and and i think that when you. realize if you're in a loving trusting. relationship you start realizing that. your partner's requests even if they. seem unreasonable and irrational a lot. of the time that's just how you want to. be loved in that moment and when you see. it in that way yeah you go yeah of. course i want to love you in that way.

because you're not doing it to hurt me. because i know you love me you're not. doing it to upset me you're obviously. not doing it to irritate me. so then the only reason you could be. doing that is because you need some love. right now and you need love in that way. or you need connection in that way or. you need intimacy in that way. and so you're asking for it because it's. a request for love. and i think we think of requests for. love as like oh give me a hug or i need. to talk to you.

we think of those things but actually. it's the day-to-day moments in the small. things where someone's saying please. love me. please see me please show up for me. please bring me a snack please bring me. a snack. and and i think we mistake that language. because we think oh that person's being. so irritable so demanding so demanding. and maybe they are and and that's. something that you have to check for. yourself so. if you are that person. rather then then you have to check for. yourself whether it is demanding and.

stubborn or whether it is a. request for love yeah for yourself but. i've made it in my mind that i believe. you love me and so if i believe you love. me then i should believe that this is. you asking for love. and so but if i didn't believe you loved. me and i was then it was so annoying. then it would be really annoying yeah. and so it doesn't mean that i don't have. that thought it doesn't mean that i. don't get internally frustrated with you. for a second. and then straight after that this kicks. in and that walks me through it and i.

think. when when people sometimes. say to me like oh well haven't you got. it all figured out i'm like no the first. thought is never. the thought that has it all figured out. the first thought is always. oh gosh whatever whatever whatever yeah. it's the second thought it's. it's taking that time to have that. second thought rather than reacting to. the first yeah yeah so that's the answer. to that question. that's great thank you i've always. wanted that. i have actually.

so this question came in from our team. it says tell me about a time. where. you think we've made a compromise and. how did it work out i'm going to go. first i know the first thing you're. going to say is i don't believe in. compromises in relationships you know me. so well so that's exactly what i was. gonna say i was like as soon as i hear. the word compromise i have a. i have a very interesting relationship. with the word compromise because i. believe that compromise makes you feel. that both of you are giving up something.

you want. for something you both don't want oh. yeah which doesn't make any sense repeat. that repeat that. rewind. that's a good point go on. have a have a j moment. so. so i have a really interesting. relationship with the word compromise. because i don't understand. what compromise means is that you're. both giving up something you both want. for something both of you don't want.

that's what a compromise is so it feels. like. one person is getting what they want and. the other person is not getting what. they want that's what a compromise is. whereas what i. have tried to live by in our. relationship is i want you to get what. you want and i want to get what i want. now if that doesn't. mesh all the time or if that doesn't. connect all the time then the only thing. that's being compromised. is this false view that we should always.

feel the same way about everything. and i think that just makes. that actually makes space for resentment. it makes space for bitterness it's. almost like think about this everyone. who's listening and watching think about. this for a moment imagine. i gave up what i wanted to do all the. time. to be where radhi wanted me to be. i'm going to be feeling upset i'm going. to be thinking i should be doing this or. i could be doing this and then you. develop bitterness towards the other. person where you can't even respect and. appreciate them and if you were always.

dragged to what i'm doing. you may be thinking well i could be. doing this or i could be doing that and. what ends up happening is i feel like. you actually move. closer away. by forcing yourself together we say that. again you actually end up you actually. end up moving further further away you. actually end up moving further away. by forcing yourself to be together yes. when actually you could move closer. together by allowing yourselves to have. that space. so that's my relationship with the word. compromise we've both been very happy.

for the other person to live freely to. do what they want to do and without. pressure of being like okay cool it's my. friend's birthday for example. and if you're not that interested in. coming or i'm not that interested in. coming with you it's not like oh my gosh. but you have to come like we're a couple. we can't go places without one another. like we're just okay cool like you don't. need to go and we understand that too. it's like yeah it's gonna be boring for. you like you don't need to come with me. and we're very good at making it quite. clear if something is important to us. whether it's family stuff whether it's.

whatever say okay cool you don't need to. come to this family thing but i would. really appreciate it if you could make. some time and and come here and so i. think it's also that where. it doesn't feel like a compromise if one. the you know that it's that it's the. same thing as what you were saying about. the. bringing me water or snacks it's like. you know that the person loves you and. so. if they if you make explicitly clear. what's valuable to you and they still. don't feel and you still don't feel. heard by them then that's one thing but. like if i know that you love me and you.

know what's important to me i feel like. you always know when you need to show up. and if for example you haven't and i may. not have communicated it to you if i. tell you afterwards it's always like oh. i'm so sorry i had no idea that's how. you felt um and so yeah i think it's. important one like letting the other. person know what is of value to you and. whether it's actually that important not. being like oh come with me and the. person says no and then you're like oh. okay fine like it's it doesn't have to. be like that it can be a oh but please i. really i like this is really important. to me so it's being is communicating and.

letting you know about that and also. yeah understanding that the other person. loves you and that if they are saying no. it's not because they're trying to hurt. you it's because they maybe genuinely. have something that's more important to. go to or to do. yeah and i think you're right that you. that's a really good point because you. expect the other person to read your. mind and to know why it should be. important to you and yeah yeah yeah you. often have that thought like you should. know this is important to me yeah. but but the truth is that in every. relationship like no one knows until you.

explain to them and i think in our. love relationships and our romantic even. in our friendships yeah we just expect. everyone to fully know what we value. yeah it's like with even with family for. example just if if someone is really. close to their family you expect in your. mind that they realize that that's an. important thing but if for example that. person is not that close to their family. in their mind it's like oh it's my. uncle's birthday come to my uncle's. birthday and you're like i won't even go. to my own not you but generally someone.

else might be like oh i won't even go to. my own uncle's birthday because i'm not. that close to them so i think it's like. you are expecting the other person to. live how you live and how you have your. relationships or how you value things. and it's it's an unfair expectation. because people have been through so many. different things in life awesome all. right next question on the list next up. is we both have such hectic schedules. in life and lots of work going on and. all our commitments how do we find time. to spend time alone and time with each.

other i guess that a lot actually i have. so many so my family member is always. like but does he have time to spend with. you like do you guys have time and i was. speaking to one of my um family friends. the other day and she was just like are. you sure you guys spend time with each. other and i was like yeah we spend a lot. of time together but but i can. understand why people may think that but. yeah you know what i don't feel like. we've ever really felt i i feel like. even if we've had the moments where. we've had like months apart. we do make an effort that when we are. together especially recently within the.

past year. or two years would you say you say two. years we've started doing yeah we. started doing a thing where we make sure. that we have at least a weekend that we. spend solid together and sometimes. that's more time that you spend together. even if you were seeing someone every. single day for like a month because it's. condensed time it's it's intentional. and it's um with the sole purpose to. spend time together and communicate um. and be together in a meaningful way so. yeah we definitely um make that time but.

it's also because we choose to do that. yeah i think we both. thankfully gravitate towards quality. time versus quantity of time. and so. we'll both be like well if we're both. tired today. we'd rather not force ourselves to try. and spend time together and give each. other space or give each other time to. decompress and this weekend we'll make. sure we spend time together. rather than the artificial force of like. today. we had to spend time together because we.

promised or we said we would and it's. like but maybe we're both not got the. right energy right now. we haven't got that presence right now. and so. i think it's a mutual understanding at. the same time i feel like. you know they've been different parts in. our relationship like i remember when we. lived in new york. we probably didn't spend a lot of. quality time together because. the only time i had off was the weekends. and i was busy working sometimes too and. you were doing all your courses and your. work on the weekends and so i spent a.

ton of my weekends. alone and you spent a ton of your weeks. weekends weekdays alone yeah yeah and. if you think back that's that's. literally the pattern of our life for. two years and then there was travel to. london and and everywhere else i was. going and i think through all of that it. was always just about savoring those. moments it was about really cherishing. and realizing that we were in a building. phase and so i want to address something. here actually that i think will be. really interesting for people is.

i talk a lot about like the five cycles. of life that we all go through so we. have learn. experiment. perform struggle thrive. and so these like different stages you. go through every year. and. when we were in new york we were in a. build phase of our life like we were. both building we just got married i'd. literally just started my career you. were discovering your career we were in. a build phase yeah and i think when you. expect a lot from your partner when.

you're both building it can be really. demanding. but now we're at a stage in our life. where certain things we're performing in. where. i've got a bit of a rhythm and a role. and so i'm able to give more time and. you're in this different stage in your. life and i feel like when you start. looking at your life as stages yeah as. opposed to like everything this is gonna. be forever forever yeah it's like. it can't be that way and there's. actually a really good book on this by. gary chapman. and i think it's called the four seasons. of love or the four seasons of marriage.

or relationships and it talks about how. is your. is your relationship right now in the. season. of summer winter. spring or autumn now when i think about. this i think that all of us want our. relationship to always be in summer i. mean i like winter but oh yeah okay yeah. you just really well oh yeah. yeah we always want our relationship to. be in summer in the sense that it's hot. it's passionate it's cool it's like. everything's good about summer right we.

all look forward to summer but maybe. your relationship's at a point in life. right now as this book says that your. relationship might be in winter it's. going for a dark period a cold period. where you just got to stick it out. together yeah when i think about new. york. yeah when i think about us in new york. it was a bit of winter and spring. yeah like it was a bit of winter and. spring and autumn's like where you've. got to let go and you've got to shed and. i think about when we first started. dating there were moments where our. relationship was in autumn yeah well we. were just letting things go.

and purging and removing energy i know. when you were going to yoga classes and. yeah yoga teacher training. so i just i think that book's a great. model and that reflection that i've had. for a while that your life goes through. stages and seasons. and stop trying to make every. day and every week summer yeah i really. love that that's so cool what a great. book yeah i had a reflection i started. researching and then i found the book. and the way i was thinking about it is. like if you know it's winter you take an.

umbrella out yeah it's winter you put a. coat on yeah but if you think it's. summer you keep expecting your partner. to you know. anyway so. this is an interesting question what. film or tv show do you think offers the. best example of a healthy relationship. oh my gosh that's such a good question i. automatically in my mind. go to um this is us because one of my. favorite shows ever i've never seen it. you've never seen it but it's so good. and. um we love chrissy our good friend love.

chrissy. um but there are actually really lovely. examples of couples who like. make it through stuff in that whether. it's like the main couple i'm sure to be. honest most people have probably seen it. you just odd one out but um. yeah the the main mum and dad and then. there's um sterling what's his name. sterling brown sterling. the actor yeah probably yeah i think. that's something sterling or sterling. something you'll know who i mean uh but. their relationship is amazing because. they go through so many ups and downs.

but they're so good at communication and. i i feel like that's a very good show. to show very different types of. relationships even chrissy's. relationship with her partner her. husband on the show they're all so. different in the relationships and the. way they communicate. but they show very good um. yeah very. very realistic and and uh useful. relationships i feel yeah. so good i actually struggle with this. question because i think hey i don't.

watch a lot of tv shows but i do watch a. lot of movies. and i think growing up i had a really. unhealthy view of love because of movies. it's so true so i grew up watching. bollywood movies. a lot and i remember thinking that. that's what love had to look like yeah. like a flower comes up in the middle. when two people are about to kiss yeah. they do in bollywood or like you're all. like dancing around and like there's all. this like field there's all this puppies. yeah and like music's playing when you. fall in love i'm running towards you in. slow motion and my hair naturally falls.

like this. yeah and you're coming towards me and. then it cuts because they don't show. anything else in bollywood films yeah. back in the day and so so that's what. you. i grew up with unhealthy projections of. love yeah and. the the thing that comes to mind when i. am thinking about this. apart from the last dance michael jordan. documentary which doesn't show marriage. but shows like love in a team and. camaraderie and collaboration i'll try. and find a bit more of a i i actually. think the happy place uh the good place.

sorry the good stuff i always call it. the happy place kristen bell's character. eleanor and her relationship with chidi. like the way it shows relationship. dynamics is really interesting about. like what is a good relationship what is. support what is friendship like i think. it answers a lot of deeper questions. yeah that is such a good show it's such. a great show i'm enjoying it so much and. we came to it late but but we're loving. it yeah and i just think it has so many. good messages so i'd have to go with. that okay cool this is us and happy. place yeah no is it the good place good.

place yeah i call it the happy place. as well and and yeah and i'm going back. to what the shows i grew up and i grew. up on the oc and desperate housewives. both not good good examples of. relationship ideas and and friends you. grew up on which again did you get i. wouldn't say it's like the best. relationship stuff it's just comedy and. yeah but i agree with movies it's for. girls and for guys i guess i guess i. didn't think that it was such a big. thing for guys because you never i don't. know growing up i always think guys just.

like i'm thinking about like romance in. that stage of their life but for girls i. think for sure you're just always seeing. how like. the. the girls like the damsel in distress. and the guy like saves him saves her and. i think it's um. yeah movies mess you up. okay this is an interesting question do. have you ever experienced doubt in our. relationship. and how do you express doubt. [Music]. i guess maybe like right at the. beginning when.

um. i'm trying to think i'm sure i did write. the beginning and then like you know. just before you're getting married and. like everything's like a bit confusing. and there's just so much going on. because of wedding and then you're like. oh my gosh i have to get married to this. person really. yeah i think probably just i guess just. at the beginning when everything was so. up in the air because like you know. as uh. i'm sure in most cultures but in our. culture it's like the man should have a. job and the man should be the bread.

winner and like which is not true you. should have no which is not true but and. he should have everything figured out. before you get into a relationship with. that person like everything should. already be set before you even think. about marriage um and we really didn't. have that. and so i think probably the beginning. but i was so lucky because my mum and. dad really were just so okay. that i naturally feel doubts can come. into your mind when other people get in. your mind um but i think i was quite. sure i felt like i felt like. straight away i knew i had a connection.

with you i knew that your values and the. person that you were. um. i i just knew we would be able to grow. so deeply together um and that's really. what i was focusing on and then i was so. lucky that the rest of everything else. fell into place. but and i'm so grateful for that but i i. knew that the core thing that i wanted. in the relationship was there. for us to grow. deeper in our spiritual lives together. and that was the main focus for me and. then. yeah and then we started having fun i.

was like oh he is fun like he's just not. just like a teacher and like just. so deep but you also were so fun and and. all the things that i maybe hadn't. thought about was important to me slowly. started coming i was like oh that is. really important to me gosh i didn't. realize that at the beginning that. that's what i wanted um. but yes the doubt was definitely um. was definitely. like taken away by. me constantly going back to the fact. that i wanted to be in that relationship.

with you for that reason. and um yeah yeah that's a that's a good. honest answer yeah i think. i think my only doubt was. always and and it's funny because it's. so hard to express this because i. remember. it was really funny when your family. had mentioned this to you and it was. like are you sure he's not going to run. back and be a monk. back to the monastery. and it's so interesting because my only. doubt in our relationship previously. not anymore had ever been that.

should i have been alone yeah so my. doubt was never like you or another. person or if you were the right person. yeah it's always been. it's either you or me being alone. and and i think that comes from me. loving being alone and spending so much. time alone and i think there was a part. of our relationship where because i was. spending long periods on my own yeah i. always considered that and i and i had. that. consideration of like oh is this what. i'm meant to be doing like should i have. done this like i and i think a bit part.

of my doubt came from a. came from a bit of sadness that i was. like oh am i taking her away from her. family. am i taking her you did her dreams am i. taking like that was where my doubt of. should i have been alone came from was. oh no maybe i'm like for my pursuing of. my purpose. which i'm. really. dedicated to totally yeah am i taking. her away. that was where my doubt came from that. am i so selfish that maybe i should be.

doing my purpose alone why should i drag. someone else on my journey and i. actually think in the beginning i. probably felt that way too like i i. probably when we went to new york it. definitely felt like compromising. because i felt like the only thing i. really had at that time in my life that. i truly valued and felt i was very. concrete in was my family and that's. what my whole life revolved around and. so i guess at the beginning because i. hadn't matured in my thoughts of of what. this relationship was i did feel like.

that and i and i remember there used to. be times i was like well. um. i can't remember but i'm sure that there. were moments where in my mind and felt. like well we have to go back for my. family to do this because you've taken. me away anyway like you've taken me to. new york and so now we have to do this. because i want to do this or we have to. like you need to do this for me because. we've done this for you. and um. yeah but but i but i definitely. now looking back i realized actually it. was all so much more for like it so i i. don't feel that way at all anymore but i.

can um yeah i can i can relate i. probably had those feelings a little bit. at the beginning that you're you're. probably feeling from me. no it's good i i think these are great. conversations to have and what's. interesting about these conversations. though is that. sometimes you don't have them in the. moment yeah if you don't monitor that. well that could end up breaking. something definitely and we're lucky. that it didn't i feel like it could have. there if i hadn't if if i then didn't. choose to like figure out what was going. on with me and i was projecting that all.

on you and making it feel like it was it. was the issue was our relationship or. the issue was you but really it was me. having a lack of awareness of myself. that i had to i had to do that otherwise. i think i would have constantly kept. blaming on that and constantly felt that. way and i have so much admiration for. you and respect for you because of that. because i think that it's so easy. i was always trying to compensate and. help in whatever way i could but. i feel like. you doing that. is what's made our relationship so.

strong is that you've just really worked. hard on the last few years of finding. yourself discovering yourself working. and you've tried a lot of things like. yeah you've it's not been easy and. you know i i feel like i found my thing. when i was 18 and. i've been doing it for 15 years and it's. funny for me to think that because a lot. of people. online are like oh jay you've only been. doing this online for like three or four. years and i've been doing this for 15. years. but for you i've watched you since that. we've met which was you know sorry since. we've been together which is what nearly.

eight years now. and. i've seen you like try this try that. experiment with this and actually it's. been really amazing why don't you tell. people about how you feel. your journey's been of discovering your. real passion because i think people see. you now and you've got your amazing. youtube channel and your instagram page. and all the wonderful stuff you're doing. and people may think oh yeah rather just. and yes you've always had this energy. that everyone loves you for and that i i. fell in love with you for. but the way you're expressing it now has.

definitely evolved right yeah definitely. i to be honest i feel like i had no idea. what i was doing until. till beginning of or like what march. last year um when all of this started. happening and it was the first time i. had to. literally sit there and be like oh crap. i have no excuse of. oh i can't do this because. i have to go with jay traveling like i. can't start my own thing because you. know i'm never really in the country and. it's really difficult i just want to. focus on what jay has and i'm just there.

to support him and i realized as much as. that was true and i did want to do that. it was probably a big um. covering. for me not wanting to actually figure. out what i wanted to do because. everything just felt so scary to start. something um and yeah it just kind of. stripped all of that away where i i was. like no i have to fill my days with. something that feels meaningful and and. figure out what that is to me and how. that looks to me and so i just started. and yeah i definitely tried so many.

different ways and different things. whether it was like i. made a did a website during that time. and you know it's not the best website. but it's like the website that i started. off with and i put so much effort into. it did like 100 recipes within. what a couple of months because i really. focused on it and and it just showed me. because i was such a person that i would. start something and as soon as. i felt a little bit overwhelming or even. felt like it was getting good or. succeeding in some way i'd be like oh my. gosh that means i have to take another. step forward and i'm not sure i want to.

do that okay let's just shut it down and. go somewhere else and do something else. and i and i i realized that pattern that. i had and so i was really determined to. not do that with this because it i. almost like get in my own way of being a. failure but in my mind being a failure. because i choose to not take the next. step not because anything else comes in. my way but because. the fear of the next step would always. scare me scary enough to not want to. take it and so it was really amazing. actually i was like. just looking at myself from an like.

outside perspective and i was like oh my. gosh i never ever thought she could do. this like i never thought i could do. that i never thought i would actually. still be making recipes i thought it was. like something i do for a month and then. get bored and be like. i can't bother to. to keep adding onto this website anymore. but um yeah and then and then i did my. decided to try my youtube thing which oh. my gosh took so long to actually start. because of fear again. pushing me away from it but i just i. mean you've always been so amazing and. supportive in that constantly like you.

see everything happening for me before i. even dream about it and i think it's. just been so nice because whenever i've. had doubts you've been so amazing at. helping me through them practically. where it's either it's in like a. supportive way of just love but a lot of. the time it's really taking the time to. have the conversation with me and i. avoid the conversations and you're like. okay what do you need to do next like. what is it i'm like i don't want to talk. about it right now i haven't figured it. out and i just don't want to speak about. it but you constantly would help like. push me through because you saw that i. was coming from a place of fear not.

because i actually didn't want to. and i think that's really important too. it's like. i know with a lot of your stuff like 99. of time you don't necessarily need to. speak to me about it but. there are certain times that you do want. to discuss things and vice versa like i. obviously like this i obviously need um. you to input in a lot more of my stuff. because i feel like you've done a lot of. the things that i've done and i really. appreciate your advice for it um. but i think there is so much of. the support being in so many different. ways throughout the times that i needed.

it and um. yeah i just i typically don't know how i. did how i got here but i'm really happy. that i did it i'm so happy because i. never expected myself to be able to do. that ever and i i just genuinely feel. for any everybody else that's listening. to this that. i was like that's where my spontaneity. that can be a strength and ended up. being something that was such a weakness. for me in the areas where i wanted to. commit to something and um. yeah i just i honest and i'm not just. saying this genuinely if i can do it ask.

my mom she will tell you if i can do it. i 100 know that other people can. whatever it is that you love doing just. try it out. and um. yeah if i can do it oh my gosh you all. can definitely do it. but enough about me. what i genuinely love about the way. you're doing it though is that even. though you have become. more organized and disciplined and. focused to figure this out you haven't. lost who you are yeah and i think that's. the hardest part and i love seeing that. in you like. each and every video the amount of.

effort you put in. i know the amount of effort that goes. behind the scenes when you're about to. launch a video. and like your nerves and your excitement. and you just want to make everything so. wonderful for everyone and i love that i. love that even though you've become. organized and focused and disciplined. and all those things that you've had to. learn that you haven't lost yourself in. it because i think that's possible too. so i i love watching it and. it makes me really happy and and what. you were just saying at the end. you know there's there's an old. relationship rule of like don't keep the.

score. and it's been said for many many years. of like don't keep score in a. relationship. but often score feels like oh i did this. favor what did someone else do. and what i've realized is that score. should not be kept energetically and so. what i mean by that is. i really feel. that. you. carry the relationship sometimes. emotionally. and so i may be carrying it mentally but. you're carrying it emotionally and so if.

you're only looking at the mental score. right i'll be going like oh well i'm. doing everything why are you not doing. anything mentally like you're not. planning you're not setting goals you're. not doing this but that's because i'm. only measuring it on my scorecard. and i think it's so important to be like. well there are so many different. scorecards there's physical financial. mental emotional spiritual there are. five scorecards first of all it. shouldn't be a scorecard. but i'm saying there's five types of. offering in a relationship. and you're only ever looking at the one.

you give but it's also useful to think. of it in that way like you're saying. there's not scorecards but i think it's. useful because i think naturally we all. have tendencies to. want to be the hero or like want to be. the person that like oh but i've done. this and i've done that and so actually. looking at it in that way. allows you to see where your strength is. in your school card but then realize. hopefully where the other person is also. contributing so i think yeah. um but yeah that's so that's really a. good way of putting i've never thought. of it in that way yeah no i've thought. about that so many times i think.

whenever i've been in that position of. like oh i'm doing so much for this. relationship and. and i do there are times when i feel. like i'm like yeah i'm doing this and. then you just stop and you're like. that's just stupid because there are so. many levels you carry the relationship. on totally and and i encourage everyone. to do that with their partner is just. really look at like where are you. carrying the relationship and where are. they carrying the relationship and i. promise you that someone in your. relationship is carrying something. and if they're not carrying anything. then sure that's that's not a great.

relationship but i think there are so. many relationships where we miss what. someone's doing i think that really. stops you from um and actually having i. didn't think of it in that way but. whenever i do think about when i'm. irritated at something or when i feel. that way. thinking about it in your way and. sometimes i have thought about it in. that way it makes you really not be. selfish like it makes you a lot of the. times if you feel that way you can end. up stopping yourself from continuing. continuing to do that or continuing to. be the person carrying this section but.

i think when you think of it as these. other four areas that could that other. person may be helping in or carrying it. stops you from. limiting yourself and what you can give. and and realizing that actually i could. be giving everything in this category. and that's okay because he's giving. everything in this category and i don't. want that category so i'm good for him. to handle that um. and so yeah i think like one that just. reminds me of all the. the stuff i always get like even when i. put up cooking stuff or i'll get dm just. being like you know does jay ever cook.

for you and does jay do this for you and. i'm like no and it doesn't irritate me. at all because i don't like doing. finance stuff like it may be such a. cliche of like how you know i like being. in the kitchen but it's out of choice. like i love being in this it's not. because you're a woman it's not because. i'm a woman that's what i mean. yeah yeah yeah and like sometimes when. you. there's been times remember when like. some days i'll be like um someone will. you'll be like oh someone's come to a. house and you're like yeah this is her. work area and some people don't even. know what i'm doing and i'm like. are we both laughing yeah i always i.

always show people my office which is. where we are now yeah and then when we. get a kitchen i will say and this is. riley's office and i don't mean it in a. condescending or sexist way at all it's. actually her office yeah like that's. where you experiment and that's where. you create recipes and yeah but but yeah. i just think it's it's really it's. really important that because i do still. always get people but like does it it. doesn't annoy you that he doesn't cook. doesn't it he doesn't even want to try. or make you your meal and i'm like no. because i really don't want to. learn about this that he does and he.

manages and i think it's so important. because you can get so wrapped up in. what other people do for each other in. relationships. and what other people are carrying for. each other in relationships and you see. this one aspect of and you're like oh. well why doesn't he carry that for me. and why doesn't she carry that for me or. do that for me and and i think it's so. important because it can really. yes stop you from giving as much as you. should be or want to be giving in a. relationship because you're putting up. your own barriers and telling yourself. that you shouldn't because he's not. giving enough exactly all right couple. more questions go on then uh this is a.

good one when are you most scared to be. vulnerable with your partner. when are you most scared to be. vulnerable. like when are you scared of like being. really honest and open i'm thinking. [Laughter]. sometimes when um. you know like if i'm supposed it's like. you've already given me advice on. something and then like i'm kind of. asking for like again and i'm like. really confused about something again.

and you're really nice about it but. sometimes i feel like it's. you know when i know you're going to. tell me something that i don't. necessarily want to hear because you've. already told me before and i don't. necessarily want you to give me the. answer because i know you're right that. makes me really annoyed. so sometimes i don't feel like being. vulnerable about how i'm feeling because. i know the answer you're gonna give and. that i don't want to hear it. [Laughter]. i so what do i need to be to help you be. more vulnerable. no i think it's more me. no seriously.

no no i think it is this is very much so. just me. i think it's me just wanting to be. stubborn and not wanting you to be right. that's like a recurring theme in this. podcast right now. i'm not stopping. i'm not allowed to say it that's the. thing that's the rule of life. i'm not allowed to repeat something she. said you know that makes me look good. i'm like yeah i should really tidy up. after myself forever he's like yeah yeah. we should have you know tell me you.

don't like tell me that i should tidy up. but i'll tell myself if i'm gonna tidy. up after myself okay. i i feel most i'm trying to think i i. think the time i feel most vulnerable is. like when i spent a lot of money on. something. i feel like that's it but i'm trying to. think of it like. oh yeah like when you tell me not to. oh yeah make sure you just park properly. and don't ruin the rims i'm like if i. want to wear the rims i'll ruin the. rooms okay. no that no but i don't feel one i say. that to you i'm trying to think of some. when am i scared of being vulnerable. with you.

when am i scared of being vulnerable. with you wait i don't send them anything. no like if i've just bought like a. really expensive suit oh you don't want. to tell them yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah. if i've just bought an expensive suit. for like an award ceremony because he. knows he's got a goody wife. yeah so i get scared of being like yeah. this time as a suitcase because i'm. wearing it and what do i always say i'm. like that's okay it's for your work yeah. every time yeah yeah you know you're. always nice in my mind i always i'm like. it's for your work it's fine. no you're nice about it i think i think.

it's a silly thing just because of. upbringing raising yourself it's not you. it's not you at all you you never stop. me um and then i'm trying to think what. i'm trying to think. like sometimes with health stuff yeah. you know why because sometimes like. because i'm cooking for him i take. things quite personally and so sometimes. if you try so hard no i know i know. that's not but i feel like sometimes. from you i feel you get a little bit. worried about saying if something has.

upset your stomach or if something. hasn't made you feel right um whenever. you have been in your ups and downs with. your health um or whenever giving you. something and i've suggested something. and it hasn't worked and i'm like but. why isn't it work like i just don't. understand and i think it makes you. vulnerable and i get quite defensive no. no no i don't think so but you're trying. to like i i don't think you get. defensive i think you try really hard. and so it's hard for you because you're. trying to figure out so many ways to. support me or help me yeah yeah and you. don't want to you don't want it to go. wrong and this is what it always comes. back down to it's like when you trust.

the person loves you you know that. someone even being defensive is out of. love yeah i am defensive though about it. to be honest no but i i don't i think. that comes from the fact that you're. trying so hard yeah yeah maybe because. i'm just like oh what and it's hard when. you're not in control of something and. you're trying to be in control of it um. but yeah i feel like that's what i know. is you're you are a little bit scared to. be vulnerable because. you want to tell me but you also don't. want to upset me or or like that's a. good answer yeah yeah that's a good. answer i don't yeah i never want you to.

feel like you're trying really hard and. it's not working on something because i. don't think that's. fair because it's not necessarily your. responsibility or like when you want to. play playstation and you pretend like. it's like a work meeting with your. partner and never say that away and. really you just want to play playstation. together but you're like it's for work. and i'm like. yeah it's just because you want to play. okay another one you're giving way too. many well as well. okay so we're on to the final two.

segments which is fill in the blank and. final five fill in the blank and finally. yeah so fill in the blank is you fill in. the blank at the end of the sentence. we're both gonna say it all right yeah. okay are you ready i'm ready. i feel most supported by my partner when. i feel like we did this last time. yeah but not the same question. i feel most supported by my partner when. he brings me snacks when i don't even. ask for them that never happens no. that's why i just don't feel it right. now.

no i feel most that's my answer you go. i feel most supported by my partner when. i bring you cut up fruit. no i mean that's a fun one yeah but. he likes his fruit cut up. when he's eating it like a little baby. because his mum used to do it for him. when he was younger and when he goes. back every single time his mom cuts his. fruit up into a little bowl and um he. has a little assortment of fruit bowl. every day and he's like you know i. really love it when my fruits cut up so. um. that's what i've been doing cutting up.

fruit midday halfway through my work day. i haven't had it today tomorrow sitting. there cutting up fruit. for this king over here. cut up fruit makes him make some support. feels the boy. my honest answer was going to be when my. partner's present with me like when i. feel like you're really fully present. okay. commitment means.

commitment means. commitment means. commitment means. commitment means. like showing up in different ways for. one another when the time is right. knowing knowing when is your time to. show up and knowing when it's their time. show up. yeah i think commitment means.

mutual. love. boundaries agreements connection like. when it's mutually. created. that you create a plan together you. create boundaries together you create. expectations together that's what. commitment means and then you honor. those totally. conflict can bring. conflict can bring. well let's just say i box so. conflict can bring. god.

i'm joking i don't do that to him um. conflict can bring. deeper love i was going to say something. like that no you weren't i was no you. weren't you chose boxing. complicated. saying conflict can bring um. really good like makeup meals. whenever we wake up we're going oh let's. go get some like coca-beta creamery ice. cream is that really what happened. that's why we haven't had it for so long. because we haven't had to make up we. haven't really had many fights lately.

let's pick one now. so there we go. so then we can have coca bella. final five so these are one word or one. sentence yeah stop giving such long. answers. [Laughter]. what's one thing you recently discovered. about yourself that surprised you that i. can commit to things and just maintain. it. i always knew this but i guess i forgot. it i love exercising with sport i just. need to play more sport i need to stop. forcing myself so that lovely okay.

what about our relationship makes you. feel powerful. they're both on the same page like a lot. of the time. i'm like oh i like this and you're like. oh me too i'm like oh okay like even if. small or big things like we are very. much so. on the same page and even if we're not. we're both kind of okay with. coming to an agreement that we both like. that's mine. cool my answer is you you you always. trust me when the chips are down what. was the question again like what may.

what in our relationship makes you feel. powerful yeah i got you so for me i i. what makes me feel powerful is when. we're all in you trust me even when. things are not working out yeah. externally i that makes me feel really. confident and stuff. i'm glad okay just don't use my chips. choose your own. what do you think our relationship will. be like by our 50th anniversary oh lord. i didn't choose this. what do i think i think the better. question is how will we celebrate our. 50th wedding anyways.

um my mind's always that with my family. with our family. we'd have a really nice 50th celebration. with the whole family all together. on holiday somewhere sounds great just. laying here that's my answer sounds. great his would be like just us two on a. beach with a tennis court. [Laughter]. and cut throat. i haven't had it today next all right. two last questions.

what about your partner have you grown. to love that you initially disliked. i can't think of anything good you go. fast no i can't think of many things i. just like i'm trying to think of what. what i now like about you i think it was. your like i think. i've just realized that. i think it was what i said earlier like. your lack of organization or whatever. like i initially that really irked me. and then now i'm just like but that's. what lets you be spontaneous like that's. what lets. your ever freshness come out and if you. became all of that thing then you can't.

you know not saying that you can't be. organized like you are organized now and. you have become but i mean. if you became a. an organizational rigid beast and you. lose that yeah you lose part of that um. i think mine for you is probably. just like your general way of thinking. was not something that i was used to. that's true that's a good one that's a. really good one whether it was the. quality versus quantity amount of time. because i was not used to that whether. it was um yeah your just general way of. thinking where i used to be like oh well. maybe i don't do that but then i.

realized actually is a really good way. of thinking and um even though it used. to like scare me to things like that. because i felt like i was getting rid of. a lot of my old like habits and ways of. thinking now i've actually become quite. fond of it okay next i love that okay. fifth and final question of the whole. interview. what's the funniest thing that's. happened to both of you the funniest. thing that's ever happened to both of us. um. i was going to say i was going to say. that go on well we were a few weeks or.

months ago. someone put us up on this. instagram page. called sibling revelry. and what this page does is that it puts. up pictures of siblings or couples. and asks people to vote whether they're. siblings or or couples and so they. posted a picture of us and i think 60. said. siblings and 40 said couple probably 40. who know who we are. and it's really funny because all the. awkward pictures on that page are. siblings.

so it's yeah that's probably one of the. funniest things that is really funny. that was a good good laugh that was good. laugh um. i can think of another one too go on i. remember when we were traveling to. someone's birthday or something when we. first started dating and we got lost in. the middle that's what i was going to. say no way that's literally when i went. back to go on no i was thinking of when. we were um oh yeah that's what it was. we were going somewhere it was a. countryside and then somehow we remember. we drove into like a barn or like field. area and i was so scared and that was.

the first time that i was in a very. scary situation with you and it was the. the time i realized like how you will. always be and always have been sins. that like calm my dad has always been. this person for me so it was so cool. because you literally took on that role. of like you are so calm you're so clean. even even when you're scared. when i was young even if my dad was so. scared he would never ever show he was. scared and he'd always have me like i. would never feel scared because he was. never scared and you literally had i got. a glimpse of that with you and i was. like oh my gosh i was so scared i was so.

scared you did so good that day. that was funny and funny now not funny. then yeah. thank you so much for watching that. video if you enjoyed it here's another. one i think you'll love instead of. criticizing the other person tell them. what you want and tell them what you. don't without implying that they're not. doing it because then they pay attention. only to the fact that you told them. you're not doing it and then they will. basically do what every human being does. which is defend themselves.