THIS Is What to Do When Life Feels Out of Control (Lost and Confused? START HERE!) with Jay Shetty

Stop trying to control everything. Not. everything broken needs you to fix it. You'll burn out before life slows down. Stop treating peace like a project. It's. not something you earn, it's something. you allow. And stop gripping the future. so hard, you're crushing the present. The number one health and wellness. podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The. one, the only, Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On.

Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning. back into the podcast. If you haven't. subscribed already, make sure you click. the button below so that you never miss. a video. Now, today's episode is for. anyone who's ever looked at their life. and thought, "This is not how it was. supposed to go. This is not the plan. This is not how I. imagined it to be." And I'm sure so many. of you can relate to that. This is not. what you wanted. This is not what you.

desired. This is not what you wished. for. And you're feeling stuck. Maybe you didn't get the job. Maybe the relationship ended. Maybe you're nowhere near where you. thought you'd be by now. If you feel stuck, if you feel lost, if. you feel confused, this episode is for. you. And before we dive in, I want you to. hear this clearly. That doesn't mean you failed.

It just means you're in the part of the. story you didn't plan for. And sometimes that's where the real. story begins. I want you to recognize. that you feeling stuck right now is not. the end. You feeling stuck right now is. not a failure. You feeling stuck right. now is not where the story finishes. By you being here right now, this is. where we rewrite that narrative. It's.

where you make that shift, and it's. where you feel the switch in your life. If you follow what I'm about to share in. this episode, you will actually be able. to reclaim ownership over your own life, over your own mind, and move in the. direction that you want, and actually. even better. That's what I want you to understand. today, that the position you're in right. now may not be where you want to be, but. it can be the launchpad of something.

even better. So today, I want to walk you through six. science-backed steps to rebuild your. mindset when life takes a turn you. didn't expect. Let's get into it. Step. one is learning to pause the inner. critic and activate the observer. This. is an idea that I learned about during. my time as a monk in recognizing the. different voices that exist in our mind.

There's the voice that's always loud. There's the voice that's always certain. And then there's that quiet observer. Now, a lot of people ask me this. question, "Jay, how do I know the. difference between my inner critic and. my intuition? How do I know the. difference between my mind and my. intuition?" Right, it can be hard. It. can feel like there are a lot of voices. There are a lot of noises going on. inside your mind. How do you decipher?

How do you make sense of it? Here's what I've learned. Your mind is certain and loud. Right, it. will say to you, "Don't do that. You'll. look like a fool. Don't do that at work. Everyone will see it. Don't speak up. because you might say something stupid.". It's loud and it's certain. But the intuition. is quiet and it's curious. Hey, maybe you should try that out.

Hey, you know what? I think you might be. really good at that. Why don't we follow. it? Hey, you know what? You have a really. good idea. Everyone may not get it, but it's worth. sharing it. Take a moment to notice the different. voices that exist within you. Your inner critic is certain and loud. You will look like a fool. You're a. failure. You got it wrong. You're not. good enough. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough.

Very certain, very loud. The intuition says, I feel like I like this. I think I'm passionate about this. I think I'm excited about this. In a. difficult position, it says, I think we might get out of this if we. try this. But the inner critic says, "No, don't. try it. It's not worth your time. It's a. waste of time. You're just stuck.". So here's what I want you to think. about. The more you listen to that quiet,

to that curious inner voice, the less you'll be affected by that. loud, certain noise of the mind. The reason why the intuition has got so. quiet is because it's been ignored. What. happens to you when you feel like a. friend isn't paying you attention? You. shut down. You get quiet. You don't make. as much noise. That's what's happened to our intuition. It's faded into the background.

It's taken the passenger seat. Sometimes from the back of the car, it may whisper, "Hey, take a left. Hey, take a right. Try this out.". But the more we listen to it, the. stronger that voice becomes, the more. confidence it gains. So, it's really important, first of all, to know the difference between your. inner critic and your mind. And I would. even give them a name. Give them a. personality, so you know the difference. Right, the reason why we know which.

friends are good for us and which aren't. is because we remember their name, we. remember what they look like. The. problem is the voices in our head don't. have a face. The voices in our head. don't have a personality. We have to. create one for them. So, choose a name for your mind that. feels like it's nagging you, forcing you. to do what's right, a name that feels. like that. And then choose a name for your. intuition, that good friend, that deep. friend, that sincere, genuine person who. really wants to help you, who really.

wants to make a difference in your life. The next thing we have to do is learn. to speak to ourselves. with the kindness and the empathy we. would use to speak to someone we love. Something I've noticed about. high-performing people, having sat down. with so many of now, is that they have two traits. They are high standards. and high grace. High standards make. sense. They want to be the best. They.

want to push themselves. They want to. drive. They want to succeed in business, in their career, in their passion, in. their purpose. And we should all have. high standards. If we don't demand high standards of. ourselves, we will shrink to very low. expectations of others. Think about that for a second. If you. don't set high standards for yourself, you will shrink to the low expectations. of others.

But here's the most important part. Everyone who has high standards, who. achieves them, has high grace, the. ability to recognize. that actually guilt blocks growth. Shame. doesn't lead to change. I won't shift. myself by guilting myself. I won't. become better by making myself feel bad. for too long. It may work in the short. term. There's an amazing speech by Roger. Federer. where he talked about how when he's.

playing a point, it is the most important point in the. world. But when that point is over, whether he. won or lost, that point is the least important point. in the world. That is the difference. between high standards and also having. high grace. When you're playing the. point, when you're in the moment, you. take it seriously. When you lose, when things don't go to. plan, when things don't go in the way.

you imagined, they weren't that important. Remember this. Stop saying mean things to yourself. you'd never say to someone else. Stop being critical in your head just. because no one else can hear it. Stop believing your worst thoughts just. because they're loud. Stop mistaking your inner critic. for your inner truth. Start listening to how you speak to.

yourself. because no one lives in your head more. than you do. It's natural, I get it. When life. doesn't go to plan, the first instinct. is to blame and mostly toward ourselves. I should have known better. I should. have done more. But here's what research from. self-compassion expert Dr. Kristin Neff. shows. Self-judgment in moments of. failure. increases cortisol. Think about that for.

a second. Self-judgment. in moments of failure increases. cortisol. It decreases motivation and. keeps you stuck in shame. How many times. have you done that? You make a mistake. and now you're beating yourself up about. it. Not just in the morning when you. look in the mirror, but at night before. your head hits the pillow. You're. constantly replaying that moment you. messed up at work. Maybe you weren't the. perfect parent today and all of a sudden. you've gone from wanting to be the. perfect parent to believing you're the.

worst parent of all time. Your motivation decreases, your cortisol. increases and it keeps you stuck in. shame. You can't shift from shame. So, what helps instead? Mindful self-observation. It's the shift from I messed up. to. interesting. This thing go how I thought. Stop saying I'm not good enough.

You're not lazy. You're drained from carrying what no one. sees. You're not falling behind. You're. healing in a world that rewards burnout. You're not the problem. The pressure is. You're not unmotivated. You're tired of pretending you're fine. You're not lost. You're just not on. someone else's timeline. And you're not stuck. You're processing.

and that counts. Step number two. Let go of the control illusion. One of the reasons why we don't like it. when things don't go to plan is we. wanted everything perfectly controlled. We had everything mapped out. Maybe you. had a color-coded spreadsheet. Right? And you wanted everything to happen. exactly how it was mapped out. That. control illusion creates so much. resistance in our life. I often say to. people, you'll get to where you want in.

life, just not in the way you imagine. it. The problem with the control. illusion is you have an image you're. projecting here. and reality is happening down here. And. when reality doesn't match your. imagination, you think there's something. wrong with reality. As opposed to realizing. that in reality you may get to the. result of your imagination, but not through the path of your. imagination. So many people don't get to.

where they want. because the path looks different to what. they imagined. Don't give up on your goal because the. path looks different. Don't give up on. the result because your road looks. different. The path, the road, the. journey to where you want to go is. definitely going to look different to. what you planned. I'm certain of that. There is no one in the history of the. world who got to where they want to in.

love, relationships, or their career in. exactly the way they planned. They will. all tell you there were pivots, there. were detours, there were reroutes, there. were even full-on U-turns. But the control illusion trips each and. every one of us up. Don't let the control illusion be the. reason you don't get to where you want. The control illusion says, "Well, if. doesn't happen my way, I don't want it.".

Well, if this is not happening, if this. isn't the sign I'm being shown, then. nothing works. And what ends up. happening is something amazing could be. happening for you, but you miss it. It's almost like imagine you're knocking. on a door. and you're waiting for it to open. And while you're knocking on that door, three other doors open for you, but. you're so busy knocking on this door and. wondering why it doesn't open. that you miss out on the three other. doors that were waiting for you to walk. through them?

We all do this in our life. We're so. busy knocking on this door endlessly. that we don't turn around to look at the. one that's open inviting us. I have seen in my life time and time. again that often the doors I want to. open don't open immediately. And if I would have stayed in that. position, that's how I stay stuck. If. you feel stuck right now, it's because. you're stuck waiting for one door to. open rather than realizing there are.

three others that are inviting you in. right now. That's why we feel stuck. We're waiting on the doorstep going, "When will this door open?" And you. could be waiting 7 years. And the door. may open in 7 years, but you don't know, so you stay stuck. You feel stuck. But hey, if you walked into the other. door, you could come back out and move. into that door in 7 years. It'll work. out. Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken needs you to fix.

it. Stop trying to outrun uncertainty. You'll burn out before life slows down. Stop managing everyone's emotions like. it's your full-time job. Stop treating peace like a project. It's. not something you earn. It's something. you allow. And stop waiting for life to make sense. It rarely does in real time. And stop gripping the future so hard,

you're crushing the present. What's meant for you won't need force, just focus. One of the biggest reasons we spiral. when plans fall apart is because of. illusion control. The belief we should. be able to predict and manage. everything. But studies from Dr. Ellen Langer, Harvard, show that people who accept. uncertainty actually experience less. anxiety and better performance over.

time. You can't plan for every twist, but you can decide how you respond to. it. The problem is when we try to plan. for every twist, we try to be prepared. for every pivot, and guess what? Even trying your best, it won't happen. So, here's your reminder. Control the next step. Control your response, not the whole story. I'm sure you've reached places in your.

life that you never imagined. I'm sure you got over breakups and. heartbreak you never imagined you would. This feeling you're having right now of. being stuck, of feeling like life's not. going to plan, may be what opens you up to a bigger. plan. We all think our imagination's pretty. good, but the universe's imagination. far surpasses. anything in this limited mind. Just think about the solar system. Think.

about the planets. Think about nature. Everything is taken care of, and. everything is provided for. It's only us that believe our. imagination surpasses that of the. universe. Don't compare your limited imagination. to the limitless abundance of the. universe. The universe has the ability to gift you. more than you could ever imagine. You may think your vision is big,

but the universe's bigger if you're. willing to tap in and tune in. Step number three is reframe failure. as redirection. You are not a failure. You're someone who started. You're not lost. You're in between versions of yourself. You're not starting over. You're reentering with better instincts. You're not finished, but you're also not.

at the start. You're not off track, you're off autopilot. See, here's the reality. Your brain is. wired to see failure as danger. The. amygdala lights up, triggering a threat. response. But when researchers at Columbia studied. how high performers recover, they found. a pattern. They reframe setbacks as information, not identity. Stop saying I failed.

Try this instead. This is feedback I didn't ask for, but maybe I needed. This is information that will help me. next time. Reframe, well, maybe this isn't the. right path for me, to. maybe it's just a long way. Maybe it's a different way. Thomas Edison famously said, "I didn't. fail 9,999. times. I just found 9,999.

times that it didn't work.". That's the shift. If you find the one way it works, do you. care that you tried 99 times? I'm guessing not. So, reframe each way. to be, "Okay, I just know it doesn't. work this way." "All right, I just know. it doesn't work this way.". This is just not the way it works. It works a different way. Let me be open. to that. Step four, use the tiny wins framework. When your.

plan collapses, your sense of momentum. often goes with it. So, how do you. rebuild it? Use something known as the. progress principle from Harvard Business. School. Tiny wins, even micro acts, create a. measurable increase in confidence and. motivation. There's a reason when you're. growing up as a kid, your parents would. put lines on the wall to see how far you. are growing, because when you're close. to something, you actually miss the. growth. Right? You may even see that in.

yourself. Maybe you started working out. Maybe you started walking 10,000 steps. And someone sees you and they say, "Wow, I can tell you look healthier. I can. tell you've been taking care of. yourself." And you're like, "No way, I'm. still, you know, I'm I still want to. lose or gain this weight. I still want. to build this muscle.". When you're. figuring out things on your own up. close, you'll never feel like you're growing. And that's why we don't grow, because. we're looking for the big wins, not the. small ones. So, here's the question.

What's one small thing you can complete. today that brings you closer to what. matters? For example, let's say your business. failed. Don't relaunch the whole brand. Start with a 20-minute brainstorm, or. reach out to one customer to get. feedback. Maybe you're going through a breakup. And instead of trying to find love and. convince yourself that love still. exists, you're just going to do something where. you enjoy your own company. Momentum comes from movement, not.

miracles. Let me say that again. Momentum comes from movement, not. miracles. While you're waiting for the. big miracle, what will motivate you more. is the small movement. Just start. Start small, start shaky, start unsure, start before you're. confident, start before it makes sense. Start with what you have, not with what you wish you had. Start. ugly, start unprepared, start imperfect.

But, make sure you start. Step five. This time, expect the plot twist. What. people don't realize is that as you. start building, as you start growing, you start to think that everything's. going to plan. And here's what I realized. So many of us. are surprised by the plot twist. that we shock ourselves into paralysis.

I saw an amazing post the other day on. social media. And it showed two sets of water cups. The top water cups all had the equal. amount of water in them. And on top it said, "This is what we. think consistency looks like.". On the second line of water cups, one. was half full, one was three-quarters. full, one was a quarter full. And it said, "This is what consistency.

actually looks like." We think when. we're in the zone, every day is going to be the same. I'm going to work out five days a week. every week for 12 months. The reality is, one week you may work. out three times, the next seven times, the next four times, the next two times, the next five times. That's what consistency actually looks. like. But when you hold on to that plan. of five days a week, perfect workouts, you actually feel further and further.

away from it. Expect the plot twist. According to. positive psychology research by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, people who are happy. are long-term tend to be more. psychologically flexible. They can hold. multiple truths at once. So for example, stop saying, "This wasn't the plan.". Try thinking, "This wasn't the plan, but. it might be part of something better.". This is the shift we need to make.

This wasn't the plan, but this might. lead to something better. All of a. sudden the neural pathways of. opportunities open up in your mind. All. of a sudden you see the possibilities, not just the pain. You're not negating, you're not disregarding what you're. feeling. There can be grief, there can. be stress, but you're opening up this. vision. Think of the best people you admire, the. ones with depth, character, soul. None. of them got there without a plot twist.

As the famous saying goes, sometimes the. plan not working is the plan working. Sometimes things going wrong is actually. them going right. Sometimes. things that look like a curse end up. being the blessing if you are open to. see it. If you're open to view it, if you're. open to the possibilities and. opportunities. And step number six, let.

curiosity lead you forward. When things. fall apart, don't rush to the next big. fix. Instead, follow curiosity. Research from neuroscientist Dr. Mary. Helen Immordino-Yang. shows that curiosity activates a deeper. cognitive state tied to purpose and. resilience. When you ask what if instead. of what now, you open doors instead of.

closing them. Journal about this. Think of a time in your life where you. were convinced it was the end, it was a. failure, and it was. the worst thing that could have happened. to you and how it became an opportunity. for something you never imagined. That's what's amazing. When things don't go to plan, you get the opportunity to build off. plan.

When things don't go as you imagined, things can actually turn out better than. you could have ever thought of. Open your mind to that. Reflect on this. What if this is the. exact moment I was meant to reset? So, I get it. Life hasn't gone to plan lately, and it's the worst. It's hard, it's. tough, it's difficult. But, remember this. The plan was never the point. The growth.

was, and the goal was. You don't need to know what comes next. You just need to know that this is not. the end. This is the part where you choose how. the story continues. Thank you so much for listening. If this. helped you, share it with someone who. else is in their in-between. And. remember, sometimes this is what it. takes. I want you to remember, you get. to where you want in life, just not in.

the way you imagined it. You don't have. to give up on the goal, you just have to. focus on the growth. I'll catch you in the next episode. Leave a comment, let me know which. journaling prompt you're doing, what. you're reflecting on. I want to see. what's connecting with you, what you're. engaging with. And remember, keep. moving. You're not lazy, you're tired. You're not behind, you're human. Not every thought is truth. Some are. just noise. Not every voice in your head deserves a.

microphone. You've survived every hard day so far. You're allowed to speak to yourself with. respect. Growth sounds like kindness, not. cruelty. You don't get stronger. by tearing yourself down. If you loved. this episode, you'll enjoy my interview. with Dr. Daniel Amen on how to change. your life by changing your brain. If we. want a healthy mind, it actually starts.

with a healthy brain. You know, I've had. the blessing or the curse to scan over a. thousand convicted felons and over a. hundred murderers and their brains are. very damaged.