The COMMON MYTHS About Relationships & How To ACTUALLY Find Love | Humble The Poet & Jay Shetty

You don't win love. You don't find love. The love is already there. I struggled. in my last situation because I could not. receive love. It wasn't that there. wasn't love there. It was me. I had my. doors closed. I had my sails closed. When we do that work, that by default. will create a better relationship with. ourselves, which will inform every. single relationship we have around us. The best-selling author and host. The number one health and wellness. podcast. On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On. Purpose, the number one health podcast.

in the world thanks to each and every. single one of you that come back every. week to become a happier, healthier, and. more healed. Now, one of the things I. love about the show is sitting down with. a friend who's an incredible thinker, a. thought leader, a philosopher, a poet. It provides a very special conversation. when I get to sit with someone that I. hang out with a lot offline, but then we. get to turn the cameras on and the. recording devices on and do something. online. I hope you get to hear that.

friendship, that brotherhood in today's. conversation. And I find there's. something really special about sitting. down with someone who has really. interesting ideas, has taken the time to. document them, and systematize them into. a book. I'm speaking about one of my. dearest friends, Humble The Poet, a. Canadian-born rapper, spoken word. artist, designer, poet, internationally. best-selling author, and former. elementary school teacher. What began as.

reciting spoken word poetry in coffee. shops to impress girls evolved into. creative adventures that has spanned the. last 10 years, crossing genres, mediums, and oceans. His first two releases, Unlearn and Things Nobody Can Teach Us, have become international best-sellers. And today we're talking about his new. book, How to Be Loved, Simple Truths for. Going Easier on Yourself, Embracing. Imperfection, and Loving Your Way to a. Better life. I want you to go and grab a.

copy of this book right now. Order it. right now. Uh we're putting the link in. the captions and in the show notes. How. to Be Loved by Humble the Poet. Humble, it is so great to have you here, man, officially. Yes, thank you so much for. having me. You didn't You have to. include in my bio uh ping-pong friend of. me. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ping-pong friend of. me. Yeah, I mean, well, we shouldn't go. there. Should we go there? I mean, the. only official game we've had. I won. And that's why I say ping-pong. friend of me. You won You won that pair.

of very old headphones. That was the. prize. It was a birthday party. And our friend uh found a pair of. headphones and made that the prize. And. then in the first round, you knocked me. out. No, it was So, when we play. unofficially, Humble beats me in. ping-pong all the time. Like, I don't. think I've ever beaten you when we've. been hanging out ever. Yeah, well, it doesn't count. You. haven't beaten me. It doesn't count. Yeah, but then the. official game, I won. And then I gave. the headphones away. uh to someone who I felt deserved them. more. I was lucky that day. I can't.

believe it. I was on some lucky street. Well, yeah, it was a party. Yeah, it was. a party. I party harder than you. So. You were a little bit tipsy. So, I I. don't drink, so I got to win. Yeah, you. you had a few competitive advantages. I love it. But Humble, man, we've been. friends for like I'm like. 4 years now. I feel like since since we started. having our conversations. Yeah, completely. And. it's been beautiful to like just, you. know, I think. as two people in an industry where it's. busy and we're doing so much, somehow I. think we found a way to have these.

really meaningful conversations. I. remember I was at your house earlier. this year. at your apartment earlier this year. And. we were hanging out. And then the next. day, everyone was like, "Well, what time. did Jay leave?" Or what happened? Because everyone I would leave early to. go to sleep early generally is is what I. do. And I was at your house till like. 2:00 a.m. Yeah. And everyone was like, "Wow, how. did you get Jay to stay out till 2:00. a.m.?" And we went All we did was have. deep, meaningful, thoughtful. conversations. Completely. Completely.

you're one of the few people that I can. actually do that with. So, I cherish our. friendship very deeply. I mean, likewise. As I said, this is the. first conversation I'm not holding a. notepad. I just sit here and try to pick. your brain as much as I can and try to. learn as much as I can. And I appreciate. you always make time for me. Always, man. Always. But, I'm so glad you wrote. this book, bro, because you know I'm. obsessed with love. Yes. book's about love. Yes. But, I think when you're obsessed. with something and you get deep into it, it's really interesting to hear from. someone else who's obsessed with it and.

gotten really deep into it. Yeah. And I want to talk to you about. what we said in the intro about the idea. of how you used to do spoken word to. impress girls. Yeah. And I think the idea of impressing. someone. Yeah. is such a big part of how love. starts. Like, I can relate to that so. much. Like, the extent I've gone through. to impress women in my previous life, it's insane. And walk me through Why do. we try to impress people. that we may be attracted to or maybe not.

even attracted to? Yeah, I think, you. know, I think for thousands of years, we. lived in smaller communities and we only. understand ourself in relation to. everybody else. You know, you walk into. your family, you know where you are in. the hierarchy. And then we, you know, many of us. only two generations ago came from. families in small villages. So, it's. like you find your definition and your. value in relation to others. And in. modern life in these big metropolis. cities, it's not as relevant, but that. need to be seen, that need to be. validated, is completely there. And I. think that's where we have a lot of.

challenges in realizing love is because. we we spend so much time trying to feed. ourself esteem, not realizing that love. comes from self-respect. Mhm. Which is way more internal. And it's. completely, you know, you're absolutely. right. Like, even me doing poetry back. then, it was like. I was writing about things as an artist. that mattered to me and I was exploring. concepts, but my only motivation to. share it was to get attention. And you start to feed off of that and it. gets really interesting now cuz we live. in a world where that attention. there's a metric beside it. You can.

count your likes, you can count your. comments, you can count your followers. So now it's like the world suddenly. tells you who to be if that attention. matters. Like, oh, I did a post it. didn't get enough engagement. So let's. go ahead and and post something else. And then oh, this really did got a lot. of engagement. Let me make five more. things like that. And it's killing our. ability to discover ourselves and our. authentic selves and instead it's making. us live for display purposes, which is. going to continually close pathways to. love. This is why I love talking to you.

I'm loving this already. There's so many. things that you said that I'm like, yes, I want to talk about this. Let's I love. what you just talked about and I saw you. post about this a few months ago. about the difference between self-esteem. and self-respect. Yeah. And that really hit a nerve with me when. you first posted about it. Walk us. through how you define them differently. and why that's useful in this journey of. to love. So for me, self-esteem is. external, self-respect is internal. And. I feel like the ways we go about it. don't have to be much different. Um.

when you keep your promises to yourself, you know, you build self-respect. And I. think either you're chasing one or the. other. The more self-respect you. develop, the less self-esteem you're. going to chase. The more self-esteem you. chase, the less self-respect is going to. be in the room. They kind of can't hold. hands. So for me, you start to realize. that it's a relationship. It just. depends on how you're going to spend and. and devote that energy. The challenge. with self-esteem and it being external. is there's just way too many people with. way too many opinions on who you can be.

You know, like that Dita Von Teese uh. quote, you can be the juiciest peach in. the world, there just some people who. don't like peaches. You know, and that. can have an impact on people. Uh and a. lot of people are negatively impacted by. the comments on their social media, um. by how well they're received when people. are looking at them or what have you. So, what I'm realizing is as we focus on. self-respect, to me, which is as I said, honoring your commitments, doing hard things, um focusing on progress and not. perfection. That's a really big one. Um.

I think when we have these ideas of what. we think love is, it's often times not. love. Attention, control, power, admiration, beauty, success. These. things are all external things that we. can receive from the world, and they. feel like love, and and they give us a. lot of immediate gratification. I refer. to them as bootleg love. It's like when. you go to you go to the outlet mall and. get a fake Gucci belt. Um. and you know, you get you get a little. rush from it immediately, but you keep. thirsting for more. Yeah.

you you. it puts you in further scarcity. So, when we focus on that, it's a. never-ending journey. Whereas, when we. develop more self-respect, we feel a. level of peace. It's not instead of. getting everything you want, you start. to want less. Yeah. And I think for me, that's the really big difference. And. self-respect can be literally developed. through anything that you commit to do. And the more difficult, the better. Let's say, do do hard things. For me, it's a cold shower in the morning. And when we focus on progress,

especially as we're entering a new year, it's really important to set intentions. instead of expectations. Cuz often. times, we say, "Oh, I want to lose 10. lb." Now, you suddenly have told. yourself, "I'm not good enough as I am, and when I lose 10 lb, magically I'm. going to feel better.". Instead of doing that, cuz you're you're. harming your relationship with yourself, focus on progress. I want to have a. healthier breakfast. And maybe my. breakfast has 10 different elements to. it. I'm going to switch out one at a. time. Or I want to wake up earlier.

Let's say I'm waking up at noon every. day, and I want to get to 6:00 a.m. You. can't just jump from noon to 6:00. Let's. focus on progress. Let's start with. 11:45, slowly work our way down. Progress can be endless. Mhm. You know, whereas I think society, especially in. capitalism, they need to sell us stuff. to make us feel like we matter. And the message they keep sending us is. chase perfection. Mhm. And perfect. doesn't exist. And perfect is the last. place love would exist because the only. way to develop a deep connection with. somebody is through your. vulnerabilities. If you were perfect,

you can't be vulnerable. Mhm. So, for. me, vulnerability comes through. self-respect, being brave enough to. admit, you know, where you're difficult. to be with, what you struggle with, what. your challenges are. And then that opens. up someone else an opportunity to do the. same, and then you connect on a deeper. level. Yeah, I want to reflect on some. of the things that came to my mind. as you were talking. It's interesting, isn't it? Like, we say we want love, but actually we want attention. Yeah. We. say we want love, but actually we want.

validation. Yeah. We say we want love, but actually. we just want compliments. Yeah. So, we don't actually know what. love is or want love because we're. chasing it through these other forms of. cheap adoration or cheap affection. Yeah. One of the things that hit me. about what you just said. about vulnerability and this pursuit of. perfection when actually imperfection is. at the core of love and relationships. is.

I was coaching a CEO recently. and we were working through some of. their mental health challenges. It was. really interesting to me because I was. encouraging them to share that with. their team. Mhm. I was saying, you should share the. challenges you're going through because. it would be a healthy thing to do. And they said to me, they said, "Jay, how can I share my challenges? I'm the. strong one. I'm the brave one. Yeah. I'm. the one who has it all together.". And I said to them, I said, "What's.

stronger than you telling them your. truth. Yeah. Like what's braver than you being. vulnerable with that person? Like. there's nothing more strong, there's no. greater act of courage. Yeah. And when they went and told their team, they followed through on the advice, the team's unanimous response was, "Us, too." Yeah. Like they were going. through the same stuff. And all of a. sudden they felt connected. So, I guess. what I what I love about what you were. saying, when you talk about like not. chasing perfection, when you talk about.

doing hard things. There was one more. thing you said. Honoring your. commitments. Honoring your commitments. So, those. three things that you mentioned, to me, that's actually what self-love. is. Like we keep hearing self-love, and. you've talked about self-respect, which. I think is a really great pathway to. self-love. pivot and pathway. Yeah. But those three habits are really. deeply important when we're alone, and. when we're single, and when we're not in a relationship. Let's talk about why.

doing hard things is so important. in the pursuit of love. Because I don't. think those things A lot of what you. just mentioned, I'm like, "Is this a. habits book?" Like you're like helping. people with their day-to-day habits, but. there's a connection there that I don't. think people see. Yeah. One of my. favorite mantras for myself is, "An easy. day at the gym was not a good day at the. gym." Mhm. Um and I started to apply. that to life. An easy day of life is not. a good day. I think. what we have in in in this society is we.

sell convenience, uh and we sell. comfort. Mhm. And both of those. don't inspire growth or evolution, or. for us to unlock a better version of. ourselves. Um. so voluntarily doing hard things, you know, prepares us when hard things. find us. Mhm. You know, I I I I think, for example, you know, when, you You as an entrepreneur, it's a. very challenging job. But then, when. you're an entrepreneur, you understand.

that hey, money's not guaranteed. I. don't get a salary every 2 weeks. Um. nothing's promised to me. So, then when. you come across a situation where things. shut down, layoffs, recession, what have. you, you're better prepared. You know, life's going to throw curveballs. What. we can do when things are good is. practice our swing. So, for me, doing. hard things is picking a challenge and. my personal uh equation is one foot in. what I know, one foot in what's. familiar, and one foot in what's. unfamiliar and what's uncomfortable. So, I'm not overdoing it. If I want to learn.

to swim, I don't jump into the ocean the. first day. We start in the kiddie pool. And then we work our way up. And. picking things voluntarily that are. difficult, whatever it is, and. understanding that even for us, you. know, it took 10 years to learn how to. read. There was a systematic program put. in school for us to do it. We forget. that actually. Yeah. And we didn't have we didn't have. self-esteem issues or confidence issues. back then being like, "I don't know the. alphabet. I shouldn't even bother." Or. when we were babies trying to learn how. to. uh walk, you know, we got up and we fell. back down. We didn't give up and say,

"It's not for me." But as adults, because we don't have somebody kind of. loitering over us, we we may start. something and we're not okay with. sucking at it in the beginning. And we don't see it as fun. But you. know, I play a lot of video games. If I. drop 90 bucks on a video game and it's. too easy, then it wasn't worth it for. me. You know, we need challenges. We. need to we need resistance. We need a. push and pull. We need that tug-of-war. cuz that's going to make us stronger. It's going to make us more resilient. Sitting in the ice makes you resilient, helps you recalibrate your.

fight-or-flight. So, now your. fight-or-flight isn't triggered through. an awkward conversation or an email or a. text message or a bill that comes. You. know, it gets back to where it needs to. be, which is important. So, I think for. me is recognizing that it's not chasing. comfort, it's not chasing to simple. stability, um and it's not chasing. convenience. It's being like, "Okay, there There a harder way of doing. things. Let's do that for the sake of. doing it because when the difficulties. of life find us, we're much more. resilient and much more prepared. And I. think for me, that allows me to realize.

my value as an individual, what I'm. capable of, and how I can spread that. and be of service to other people, which. to me is a massive language of love. Wow. Yeah, and I mean. when I'm hearing you speak, it's like. that getting comfortable in discomfort. Yeah. is almost like the number one. skill needed in life because I feel like. most of. as you said, what society's trying to. teach us. in your words, convenience and comfort.

and it's trying to avoid discomfort. Yeah. Like we're trying to avoid it. We're trying to dodge it. We're trying. to hope that how can I avoid any sort of. pain, struggle, discomfort? And while I'm not while you're not. saying to invite it, but we've got to. get comfortable in that uncertainty and. comfortable with that pain. And. that applies to anything from dating. through to breakups through to. loving ourselves, of course, through. through the journey we're on.

One of the things you said in the book. that I wanted to pick out was. feeling left out and rejected brings up. those ancient anxieties of danger. Yeah. And I think that's one of the biggest. discomforts is feeling left out and. rejected. Like when you talk about being. uncomfortable Yeah. when you go to an event and you feel. like you'd rather lock yourself into a. bathroom because you don't want to be. around anyone. Or forget that, you. didn't even get invited in the first. place.

Yeah. And sometimes you get upset. because you didn't get invited even if. you didn't want to go there. Yeah. So. talk to me through that sentence, feeling left out and rejected brings up. those ancient anxieties of danger. Again, if we were ostracized from our. communities back, you know, generations ago, it actually meant our. death, you know, and that's in our. programming now. Um. which makes us in modern life. prioritize likeability over everything. Mhm. And the challenge with that is. there's so many things that create.

pathways of love and allow us to realize. love won't necessarily make us likeable. to everybody. Um if you want to. establish boundaries, for example, establishing boundaries will reduce the. amount of people that want to be around. you cuz so many people enjoy crossing. boundaries or, you know, find power in. that or find significance in that. But. it's important to establish boundaries. It's important to show your teeth. I. have a chapter in the book called love. is showing your teeth. It's important to. let people know if they've crossed the. line. It's important to let people know.

if they've made if they've hurt you. It's important to let people know um if. they're doing things that you're not. okay with. Because if you don't, you. absorb it inside instead, and then you. you fall into this world of resentment, which to me I think is one of the. darkest places we can be. And you can't. ex- express or realize love in this. place of resentment. Mhm. So, our fears of not being likeable, you know, as I said the in the subtitle. of this book is going easy on yourself. This is in our programming. We want to. be liked. We want to be accepted. And we.

are in a modern society which has given. us scores for our likeability and. acceptance. But that will not. necessarily help us realize more love. And we have to see the difference. Not. everybody is going to like you, and. that's okay. And focusing on that will. allow us to build deeper connections. with people that do matter. Mhm. You. know, going back to the idea of the CEO. and the vulnerability, you know, I was. raised in a household that subtly told. me to suck it up, be self-regulated. So, now I also viewed vulnerability as a.

weakness. I viewed having a romantic. partner that complained as just being. naggy and weak. Not realizing that my. inability to have empathy, you know, was. because of the fortresses I made. I made. a fortress to protect myself, but really. it was a prison. Mhm. And then when. somebody came to me that I cared about. with their problems, I wanted to. instantly solve it. I thought that's. what men do. Men solve problems. We're. solution-oriented. But the truth what I. realized for myself was, no, they were.

sharing their pain. It was triggering my. pain. I didn't want to feel my pain. So. I wanted to shut them up. Mhm. And the. three ways I was trying to shut them up. was either not speaking to them, trying. to solve their problems, or or saying. something really stupid like, well, there's other people going through way. worse than you. Like, have some. perspective. And then slowly realizing. through this journey that empathy. is feeling their pain, not saying. anything, just giving them a hug, and. and being in that pain together. And for. me, like, this is these are very recent.

realizations for me as I'm trying to. figure out how to deepen my connection. with human beings as well. And I don't. hold it against anybody for being raised. to think that vulnerability is weakness. But you were absolutely right. The. strongest thing you can do is be. vulnerable and admit where you're having. trouble. Um, that's ultimate strength. Mhm. And um, you know, I'm glad to hear that that. story worked out for him. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But I mean, you just said. something again interesting which I. actually had noted down was.

uh, where is this? Oh, yeah. You. referenced the need to sit with your. pain in order to experience love. Yes. I don't think we naturally put. those thoughts together, and that's what. I've always loved about what you do with. ideas is I don't think we kind of like. when you hear that, you're like, well, I. need to unpack that because you wouldn't. necessarily think those two things. correlate. The inspiration behind this. entire journey was you know, a. relationship that I was in that that. didn't run the course. And all I would. do in in isolation, especially during.

the pandemic, was beat myself up over it. as if I had somehow failed. So there was. a lot of reflecting and thinking about, you know, the woulda, coulda, shouldas. And sitting not realizing that. subconsciously, cuz whether we're aware. of a trauma, whether we're aware of a. discomfort, we feel it. And we're going. to feel and then most often, going back. to modern society, there are so many. convenient options to suppress that. temporarily. So, for me, I was living. that life. I was If I felt anxious, I. would go and have a slice of pizza, or I.

would go and. um you know, watch television, or go on. my phone. And then you start to realize. that so often the only reason we get. involved with somebody is cuz we're. outsourcing. the antidote to our loneliness. Not realizing that loneliness isn't. having people around. Loneliness is a. lack of connection. And and I could. contribute to why we have such a high. divorce rate, cuz people are getting. together, but they're not getting. together. uh as two individuals. They're getting. together with these kind of romanticized. ideas of you're my better half. You.

complete me. Humans don't need. completing. Humans aren't half a person. And I think. but these are ideas that are sold to us. They're sold to us in media. They're. sold to you know, every single. famous couple, the Ross and Rachels, they have to be people with very. unhealthy attachment styles to be. entertaining. Cuz the most healthy. relationships we know are not very. eventful. They wouldn't make for. entertaining television. I don't I don't think it's a conspiracy. that these television shows exist. They're just entertaining us. Yeah. And. I think realizing that for me,

having a relationship with yourself is. being alone. Being alone isn't sitting. in bed on your phone. Being alone is being absolutely alone. doing absolutely nothing. Which for me. is also a form of meditation. And um for. me it's my favorite form of meditation. because it's it's a form. that doesn't require you to ask, am I. doing this right? There's There's no right way of doing. nothing. Instantly you start to feel anxiety. because you're not stimulated. You know,

the dopamine's is not coming. And but. the longer you do that, the more. grounded you become with yourself. Yeah. And now you're in a position. to be in a relationship where you can. serve. The book has love stories and. there's. one love story. about somebody I connected with, wanted. to pursue. They explained to me they don't have. time and and and I was upset and I was. like, "Look, if you don't make time for. people, then you're never going to have. anybody. Don't you get lonely?" And she. goes, "I do get lonely.". And then I said, "So, what are you What.

are you going to do when you're lonely?". She goes, "I dance.". She goes, "When I'm lonely, I dance.". And then I connect with myself. Wow, that's super mature. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I was on the phone like. I guess I got to I guess I better I. guess I better go dance, too. "I like dancing, too. Let's dance. together.". Yeah, but and I I left her alone after. that because, you know, she was very. clear with her boundaries and what have. you. And what you realize is we want. connection, the you know, the fast-food version of. connection, self-connection would be.

self-pity. Nobody understands what I'm. going through except for me. Nobody's. ever had their heart broken. I'm all by. myself. I just want to be able to. complain about it. But something deep to. actually create an authentic connection. with just yourself can be dancing, to. feel your body. How many of us When is. the last time we've looked at ourselves. in the mirror. and looked at our body and we're not. critical? And looked at our body from a. perspective of gratitude. Like, how many. of us have already. chosen our favorite body part? Even.

though our body has been with us since. day zero. And even when we make poor choices, our. body tries its best to adjust. We have. bad posture, our body tries to adjust. We don't put good things inside our. body, it tries its best to adjust. This relationship with ourselves, our. physical body, can be the first step to. creating an authentic pathway of love, which can then inform the relationships. we can have with everybody else. You You. this conversation is just in a beautiful. way as always just just connecting so.

many dots that are coming up and I want. to talk about a few things. One thing that came up was this idea of. what you're saying setting boundaries. And. I think one of the challenges that we. have with setting boundaries is we want. to be perceived as nice. Mhm. And when we set a boundary, we think. we're going to be perceived as unkind. Mhm. And so we'd rather not set the. boundaries so that again someone likes. me and thinks that I'm a nice person, but inside I'm going, "God, I wish I.

wasn't around this person. I wish I. wasn't here. I wish I wasn't doing. that." Why do you think so often or what. are your thoughts about how we. compromise. our own values and our own boundaries in. order to appear more nice and likable. Like that seems to be the biggest. disassociation from our self. Yeah, I I I think it's the short-term. gratification versus the long-term. Right. I think the short-term gratification for. me specifically I can say I became. someone that people came to with their.

problems. And I felt value that I was. needed. And it took a therapist to help. point out where she said, "Listen, the. reason you actually want people to you. you are receiving people is because it's. such a one-sided conversation that it. gives you the impression that you have a. relationship, but you're never. vulnerable.". Mhm. Cuz they're just telling you their. problems. They don't even notice that. they're not asking you about yours. Mhm. And you like that cuz that helps. helps you avoid being vulnerable which. feels uncomfortable for you.

But she goes, "Well, in the long run. what you don't realize and you said it, it builds resentment.". Mhm. And there can't be love if there's. resentment. So, what happens is this. this feeling of I need to be needed. which again, if we think about how we. were raised, a lot of us were raised to. find our value when we're needed. A lot. of us made these decisions and and and. decided our pathway of life when we were. kids when we were thinking very binary. It was either this or that, black and. white. And as we became adults and we. can see life a lot more complex, we. never updated our policies. And so what.

happens is life is more complex, but. we're looking at it through such a. simple shade. And this idea is like, okay, and when we were kids, too, whenever something negative happened, we. absorbed it as if it was our fault. Mhm. You know? I have a story in the book. My I once. got sick and I vomited um all over my. bathroom as a little child. And my. mother was a wa- awaken from that. She. had work. She got upset with me. And I blamed myself. for that. Not having context as an. adult, realizing, wait, you know, she. works a night shift. She's not a.

horrible person. You didn't mess up. It's just everybody can be cranky and. what have you. And now, you know, making. jokes about my mom cuz the grandmother. version of my mom is completely sweet. She has time. She's not working anymore. No more survival mode. But me. internalizing that story, that narrative. stuck with me up until today. We've had. conversations about gratitude versus. guilt, you know, in my journey as an. artist, crashing on people's couches, people giving me places to stay, hearing. my mother's voice, don't be a mooch, fill up their fridge full of groceries,

make sure they know, even for, you know, the help that you've done with me in in. this journey, what can I give Jay? What. can I give Jay? And then questioning, is. that authentic gratitude or am I just. operating from a place of guilt? Mhm. And if it's not authentic gratitude, then it's not being done with love. Mhm. And then if it's come from a place of. guilt, that's usually related to fear, which is definitely not from a place of. love. Yeah. going through that journey, I think is. extremely important. So when we fear. being unlikable, we're closing off an. option and a pathway to realize love for.

some short-term peace from our anxiety. Mhm. You know, it's like pleasure. Like we're. chasing pleasure to medicate our lack of. peace. Yeah. Um when the peace would. come from establishing boundaries, there's going to be an uncomfortable. transition period, but you'll get to a. point where the people who love you. view your boundaries as an instruction. manual on how to be with you. and how to have a healthy relationship. with you. Because what happens is for. the people who have boundaries and you. respect their boundaries, they will stay. in your lives. Yeah. You know, instead.

of you just trying to avoid somebody who. always tries to overstep your. boundaries. Yeah, I mean, what you just. said there was so powerful. I was. interviewing someone the other day. and they asked me the question. They. said. "Well, what's your working style?" So, they're like, "What's your How do you. like to be communicated with? And how do. you like to be informed of updates and. things like that?". And I was like, "This is a great. interview question." Like, for someone. to ask me, I'm interviewing them. But. they're asking me that and I got to tell.

them and they were like, "What are your. pet peeves when it comes to. communicating?" And so, like, I got to. walk them through. what I realized was they made me feel. really comfortable and confident with. them because I was like, "Wow, this. person's really mature and knows that. I'm not perfect. I'm not always going to. be available. They need to understand a few things. about me to work well with me.". What I What was demanded of me though. was self-awareness in order to infer. that to them. And so, what I find here. is that what happens in relationships or.

in love is that we don't feel that way. We feel that person should be perfect. They should already understand me. I. should understand them and we're going. to do whatever it takes to love each. other. And the other problem is even if. you ask that question chances are a lot. of people don't have the self-awareness. to share what their pet peeves are. So, the girl who says to you, "Hey, I dance. when I'm lonely." That's high. self-awareness. Right? Like, that's the fact that there. was an answer there that was.

satisfying to you and that almost left. you speechless to some degree. It's like, "Oh, wow." So, I find that. there's two sides. One is our openness. that I'm going to get into a. relationship where we're both not. perfect. The other is the other person. having the knowledge of themselves. Yes. And it feels like we're lacking in both. right now. I think definitely and I. think one of the reasons is because of. ideas around love. It we don't have to teach somebody.

that imperfection is is okay in the. world of love. Every single person we. currently love, we could probably list out their. imperfections. Yeah. And then the second question is. does do any of those imperfections. disqualify them from your love? Mhm. You. know? Also, you know, the the analogy. that I always think about too is like. the first time I held my baby niece. I had never met her before. I had never. had an interaction before, but just. holding her filled me up with love. Mhm. So, you don't even need history. You. don't even need interaction. So,

often times we have this distorted idea. that love is something you earn, love is. something you win, love is something you. qualify for, love is at the end of the. rainbow. And I think these ideas. motivate these types of actions where. it's like I have to appear perfect. Another thing I realized about myself. recently, um and I think this is for a lot of men. who are often seen as distant or. avoidant, is we spend so much time on a. date trying to win over the other. person, charm them, make them make them feel.

like we're we're really worth it, that we spend no time looking at the. other person to see is this a good fit. for me. Totally. We get over their wall, we penetrate their fortress, we we make. them feel safe. Then once they they. communicate to us that they like us, then we begin this process. of like, wait, It's so true. are they. for me? And then also we are viewing a. human being, and then also we we get. this realization subconsciously or. consciously that. to further connect with this person, I'm.

going to have to be vulnerable. And then. that raises anxiety, and then we pull. away. And I think often women women find that. confusing. They're like, I thought he. was into me. He was into the idea of you liking him. without asking himself if if you're a. good fit. And I think before we enter. any of these situations, we have to do. that. And I know the activities and the. practices for that will build. self-awareness. And it really is going. deeper than what we normally do. Oh, that is so well explained. All right, so. that is.

me, man. That No, no, no, but that is so well. explained because love bombing is such a. big thing, right? No. And I did that in my teens. massively. Like that's how I spent the. majority of my teens where. I I would be interested in a girl only. to win her over to then retreat as. exactly like you said. So I can relate. to that so deeply. How does And generally, I don't know. I've I've heard a lot of men admit to. that or at least men that I've open. relationships with where people would. say that. I don't know how much women do.

that. Like I I just haven't heard that. and I don't want to build gender. stereotypes or anything, but I guess. as the person in the relationship on the. receiving end of that, how do you know? Because it's somewhat a. mutual exchange, right? So I'll give you. an example of what I mean and and I want. to unravel this with you because I think. that's very common. Yeah. The amount of friends I have that. are girls recently that have said that's. happened to them. Yeah. Numerous. Mhm. So what's happening is. I'm trying to win you over,

but you're allowing me to win you over. You're also not doing the checking as to. whether I'm for real or questioning. that. Yeah. So I guess what I'm asking. is if you're on the receiving end of. someone love bombing you. Yeah. and trying to impress you and trying to. win you over, what do you do in order to. make sure that you are actually taking. things slower? Because what ends up. happening is you fall in love too fast, that person then walks away, and then. you go, "Oh, but I thought we had.

something." So how do you avoid that? I. think you have to be intentional with. what you're looking for. Okay, if I don't you know, if I don't. know you, I'm going to love bomb you. based off what I think your values are. You know, let's say, oh, I think based. on the fact that she's wearing a a pair. of expensive shoes, I need to seem like. I have a lot of money. So, I'm going to. pull out the Rolex. I'm going to pull. out the nice car. That's what I think. matters to her. I don't know. And maybe. for her, she you know, she's. looking for the spark. You know, which I.

think is a whole other conversation in. itself. I think the best thing to do is. abandon this idea of the spark and and. and instead actually ask yourself, what. do you want in a person? So, the. activity that that I was required to do. in my therapy was I had to relive my. entire love life. I had to write it all. down. And then when I read it, anytime I. felt warm or I felt some love, I had to. highlight it. And that's how you I began. to figure out what I specifically want. I think generically, everybody kind of.

wants the same thing. Well, everyone goes like, good looking, good sense of humor. Like everyone says. the same thing. I literally went on the. streets a couple of weeks ago or a. couple maybe a month ago now and I was. asking people, what are the top three. things you're looking for some look for. someone? And they were like, a nice. smile, good sense of humor. And like I. was like, really? Like literally. everyone said the same thing. So, yeah, sorry, carry on. No, no, completely. But and and and. again, I'm guilty of that as well. But. the next question is. you're you're focused on the details and. not the feelings. So, the next question. should be.

what does a nice smile make you feel? What do good looks make you feel? What. does knowing somebody is rich make you. feel? That's your that's your actual. list. You know, no like, oh, I want him to be. rich. Why? Well, that's that's going to make me. feel like I'm secure. You know, that. makes me feel I'm taken care of. So, what you want not someone who's rich, you want someone to you know, to take. care of you. Now, there can be people. who may not have the juiciest bank. account, but their energy, their effort, their determination, you can just see it.

in their eyes, you can see it on their. day-to-day activity. You can always put. your money on that person. They're. always going to show up. That'll give. That'll That'll scratch that same itch. And I think when we get very specific. with what we care about and and how it. makes us feel, now that love bombing. just won't work. Yes. Yes. they're they're going based off of. things that they think are kind of. generic. And as I said, like we have. this generic idea of what beauty is, you. know? But we beauty isn't that. Yeah. for some for one some person might be.

watching me right now think I'm super. handsome. Somebody else may not. And. that's completely okay. Everyone's. allowed to have their own taste. But the. feelings of what we're actually chasing. Even when we think about a person of the. past, an ex, we don't miss them, we miss. the way they made us feel. We can carry. that feeling forward and require that as. we get to know somebody. Can you establish all those feelings and. and and those markers in a in a first. date? No. And I don't think you should. You know, I think it is important to be. open to people, give them that give them.

that opportunity and see if they can. elicit those feelings. And I don't think. love bombing someone can be clever. enough to love bomb you through those. feelings. Yeah. Because love bombing is not going. to tap into a pathway of love. It's. going to tap into this fast food version. of it. The attention, the validation, making you seem like you matter. Um you. know, I I read one of these posts. recently that said, "Listen, stop. bragging that you were chosen over. somebody else. Most likely you were. chosen cuz you have less boundaries.". Wow. You know, so this isn't a. brag-worthy thing. And again, our media,

our songs, all the things, you know, making us seem like you know, we should. be competing for each other. All of this. stuff, it informs what we think matters. You know, we have this idea of the. knight in shining armor and the damsel. in distress. Like. I went deep to try to figure out where. that could That came from real life. Back in feudal societies, the only. social mobility, you know, a man had to. increase his chances of finding a. partner was to join the army.

You know, cuz if you grew up on a farm, you know, there wasn't access to. education or anything. He had to join. the army, potentially come back a hero. And now that he's a hero, he will have. more more opportunities in an arranged. marriage society as well. to choose someone. So now it's like be. chosen and be chased. And I think that. that that dog and cat situation right. now is really making us focus on. external things. Whereas if we are. grounded in who we are, develop a. healthier relationship, initially it's. going to close us off to a lot of people.

who aren't on this journey of. self-awareness, but in the long run, it'll allow us to be that very minority. now who stay in healthy relationships. throughout their life. Wow, man. If. you're listening right now or watching, I'm talking to Humble the Poet. The book. is called How to Be Loved. by Humble the Poet, Simple Truths for. Going Easier on Yourself, Embracing. Imperfection, and Loving Your Way to a. Better Life. Make sure you go and order. a copy while you're listening.

This conversation is blowing my mind. It. better be blowing yours, too. And I. think there's just so many, you know, huge insights that that I'm taking away. from you listening to you today. Because ultimately you're demanding a. sense of vigilance from a person. I. think we're all still living in that. very basic sense of validated. I want to. be complimented. I want to be. appreciated. So as long as someone's. doing that, we must be in love. They. must be kind. They must be nice. And.

that's too shallow. Like it's too. it's not a healthy way of inferring. whether someone feels good about you. And it's funny because it can be really. intoxicating. Yes. Like it can be really intoxicating. that you lose all sight of reality and. you think, well, this must be love or. this must be the truth. I guess how do. people slow down. the idea of falling in love when like. you said it's sold as so important and.

special. Yeah. And we're so desperate for it. almost. Yeah. Right? Like we're wired to just. want it now. How do you kind of take. your time as you're saying and I read a. study that said it takes 200 hours to. get to know someone. Mhm. And when I saw. that number I thought well how many. people in my adult life have I spent 200. hours with? Yeah. And I was thinking not. many people have I spent 200 hours with.

I don't even think we have 200 hours. think so either. Yeah. And so you know when you when you. start thinking about that you're like. wow and and we're all trying to fall in. love in like 2 months. I think the study. said that men say I love you after like. 3 months and women take maybe 4 to 6. months to say I love you. Mhm. But that's quick. Yeah. So how do you kind of slow this. process down and what do you do in that. slowness because as me and you know this. isn't just about how many months you've. been together. Yeah. It's it's more than that.

Completely. I I think the big. realization that I have is chasing the. delicious will will never bring you. around the nutritious. You know and that's really what this is. So when you when you say the you know. the validation is addicting. It is. It's. it's salty french fries. Yeah. And you. can't just have one. But you you do this. long enough you're going to feel like. crap. Mhm. You know? And now if you've. been eating french fries all day and now. someone goes here here's a plate full of. broccoli it's going to be an adjustment. And and that's what I'm saying here. You.

have to establish a healthy relationship. with yourself. Mhm. or you will be incapable of having. a healthy relationship with anybody. else. I had a friend yesterday tell me. if I break up with my boyfriend and he. doesn't call me nine times panicking, then he doesn't love me. Cuz he's not fighting for me. I'm like, first off, he's not fighting for you. You know, the only reason he's calling. you nine times cuz he is super anxious. Yeah. That's He's trying to suppress. anxiety. That's not There's no love in. this conversation at all. And what we. have to understand is we have again, the.

Bobby's and Whitney's, the Ross's and. Rachel's. All of these things that we. see, and you know, even our including. our parents, you know, our first models. of love were those who raised us. And. they were imperfect beings. Mhm. You know, and now we often find. ourselves attracted to what's familiar. over what's actually healthy. Mhm. You. know, and if your parents, if your mom. or your father was hard to impress, you're going to find yourself being. gravitated towards somebody who's hard. to impress, you know? If you were a caregiver in the house and.

you want someone that you can take care. of. And again, it's building this. awareness. It's understanding that I can. keep doing this. Again, I can keep. eating fast food every single day, and. it'll feel like sustenance, but it will. take a toll on me. Mhm. And all of this. stuff will exhaust us, you know, versus. taking the long route, which is, "Hey, I. need to establish my relationship with. myself. Mhm. I need to actually have a. clear definition of what I want in a. partner, and the deeper I go with that, the more unique it is. I shouldn't be in.

a room full of five people and we all. have the exact same wish list for a. dream partner. Mhm. very specific based off our experiences, based off what we care about, and based. off where we're headed in our lives. One. of the analogies I use, especially for. my last relationship that didn't work, is I don't have a bad thing to say about. that person, but we weren't going where. I needed to go in that relationship. And. it's like, if I got to go to Boston, and. there's a beautiful private jet going to. Hawaii, I can't get on that jet. Mhm. You know, there's another amazing limo. going to Florida, I can't get on that.

If the only the only vehicle going to. Boston is a bike, I have to get on the. bike. Mhm. But the first question is, do. I know where I'm going or where I want. to go? Mhm. And I think for everybody. right now, if you feel alone, you cannot. outsource that. Mhm. You cannot address. that on the outside. And now we do live. in a world where, okay, you make the. decision to. get someone else to make you feel less. lonely, you build a life together, you. share a mortgage together, you have a. bunch of kids together, and now you're. just in that world. And then you you.

know, you're doing external things to. medicate from that as well. And the. challenge with that is as this modern. life gets more and more convenient, most. of the things that we use to medicate. ourselves turn into weapons against us. as well. Mhm. You know, it's a lot. easier to get access to alcohol, it's a. lot easier to get access to any. substances or junk food, which are. quick, easy, convenient, and cheap. So, instead, let's focus on what's. nutritious. And we all, everybody. listening, knows what's nutritious for. them. They know the people when they're. around that fill them up with energy.

instead of the people that they're. around that drain them. They know the. places, they know the activities. We're. all aware of those. It's taking the long. road because the long road lasts longer. You know, it takes longer to get there, but it'll last longer. And these short. bits of like, I just need to feel like I. matter to somebody because my entire. life I didn't feel like it, that has to. get addressed. And that has to get. addressed through journal writing, potentially therapy, potentially. coaching. But in all of that is getting us out of. black and white thinking and encouraging.

us to be more self-aware. What I'm. hearing is like. there's a big difference between people. that feel good for us. and then people that are good for us. Mhm. And we're so addicted and obsessed with. what feels good Mhm. that we're not able. to focus on what is good because we're. almost. compelled. to be like, well, this person feels. great. They look great. They sound.

great. My friends think they're great. My parents think they're awesome. The. world thinks really highly of them. They. must be the right person. Yeah. Rather. than what you're saying and and all I'm. all I keep hearing in everything you're. saying is like there is just so much. work to do individually and personally. and simultaneously in being in a. relationship. There's just so much. reflection. There's reflecting on the. way your parents loved you. There's. reflecting on your exes. There's reflect. which is what you've been doing through. this whole book journey. There's. reflecting on like how you got here.

There's reflecting on where you're. going. Like there's just so much. reflection and introspection required. And most people just want to throw the. towel in because. it's exhausting. It can be hard. But I. guess what we both agree on is that it's. a hot lot harder to not do the work. Yeah, it's the pain of the work or the. pain of the regret. You know, it's one. or the other. And I think also, you. know, the subtitle says going easier on. yourself. Look, nobody is weak. You know, if I open up a bag of salty.

potato chips and I give you one and you. want to you're not weak from wanting. another one. You know, and for people. who eat really healthy, they understand. that that's not having unhealthy food in. the kitchen. That's leaving it at the. grocery store. You know, and you do that long enough, you can start to change your taste. And. you know, personal story, you showed me. your snack drawer and you pointed to a. bunch of things that were delicious. And. then after trying them I was like, "Oh, this is all super healthy.". His definite His definition of delicious. is way healthier than mine. My wife, yeah. Yeah, but and and and and.

I've seen that before cuz we can. actually change our taste. You know, addiction, we all have addictions. You. know, and there's to go from a bad place. to a better place, we have to travel. through a worse place. And the the the multiple addictions we. have, whether we're addicted to a. person, whether we're addicted to social. media, all of it falls under the exact. same category of unintended rewards. Mhm. I scroll through my phone, see a. bunch of stuff that makes me feel. insecure, see a bunch of news that.

heightens my anxiety. Oh, look, a cute. puppy. It was all worth it. You know, that's no different than. gambling on a slot machine. You just. keep pulling it and then all of a sudden. a reward comes. That's no different than. being in an abusive relationship. The. bad days are really bad, but the good. days, we don't know when they're coming, but they feel euphoric. Mhm. And getting ourselves out of that, I think is really important. It's like. if I'd like, "Oh, I'm I'm in the mood to. have to go to this fast food restaurant. I'm I'm in I'm so in the mood to I go, I. eat it." How long does the satisfaction. from that actually last? And also,

when things feel good, they're not you. know, our roller coaster isn't going. super high and super low, so it's hard. to even pay attention to that. How is. you know, we don't notice when we're not. feeling anxiety because it's not a. feeling. Yeah. And I think we have to. really be mindful of that because we're. not in a world that that is designed or. encouraging us to make these healthy. decisions because this world just needs. us to to run on fumes, contribute to its. economy, work, work, work, work, work,

keep up with everybody else. If you're. sleepy, have some caffeine. If you're. too hyped up, have a Xanax. Take them. both different times and it's like. just contribute. And being aware of. ourselves means we would find a lot of. you know, we'll we'll realize and the. reason the cover has s- says how to be. love with a D in parentheses is the only. way to realize love is to be love. Mhm. It's to realize you are the source of. love. And when you're the source of. love, you're not going to be going out.

and doing retail therapy. When you're. the source of love, you're not going to. be, you know, traveling halfway across. the city to take an Instagram photo to. count your likes. When you realize. you're a source of love and that you can. give it to everybody and it's a gift. It's not a loan. Mhm. You're not giving. it hoping it comes back. You're giving. it cuz you're overflowing with it. The. same way you would give it to a baby. It. doesn't need to be reciprocated. The more we realize that, the less we. need it from the outside world. And then. as I said, nothing is designed around. that. We just have to again, keep this. junk food out of our kitchen. Keep it.

out of our homes and not. be hard or critical on ourselves when. we falter or when we have a bad day. The. the last chapter of this book, I. specifically say I am. all I'm doing I'm not a love guru. I I'm. I'm a kid who I'm somebody who's. desperately trying to understand this. cuz I've made mistakes in my life. I'm. the kid at the front of the class taking. notes. And at the end of the day, all. I'm telling you is the difference. between. French fries and broccoli. And while I'm. telling you the difference, I'm eating. some French fries and I'm eating some.

broccoli. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's. important, I think. And and and for for. you and I, we both know this being in uh. being embraced in the wellness. community, you know, over on this side of the. ocean, everything's very linear. It's. like, "Hey, I used to be really messed. up and then I learned all this stuff and. now I'm awesome. And for three payments. of $19.95, you could be awesome, too.". And I think for guys like us, we're more. in the cycle. It's like, "Hey, I'm. messed up. I figured out what the. problem was. I learned some stuff. I'm.

sharing what I'm learning. I'm still struggling with stuff, but I'm. going to continue this journey. And it's. a cycle. I'm going to have my winter, spring, summer, and fall. Yeah. And. that's going to be a constant thing and. I'll be constantly working on it. Join me on that journey. Mhm. And let's. compare notes. Let's compare best. practices. Um and let's realize that we're not. alone cuz we're we're critical when we. think we're the only one. Mhm. Unrelated. to love, I remember. finding, you know, finding an accountant. and having so much anxiety cuz I was an.

artist for so long and didn't do any. taxes or anything. You know, he helped. me out in an hour. And I told someone. that story realizing that they had the. same anxiety. And told someone else and. they had that anxiety. There's a lot of. anxiety that people have and they they. feel shame and guilt that they're the. only ones going through it. And I I the. more we reveal this stuff, the more we. have these conversations openly, you. know, it may not get us a lot of likes. on Instagram, um and and and it may. scare away some people who want who have. an idea of who they think we are. And and for me, one of the biggest. lessons I learned in the last year was.

more damaging than any criticism I've. ever received. were the compliments. Cuz the compliments put me in a cage. It. was one friend that said, "Yo, Humble, nothing ever bothers this guy. This. guy's always cool. He's always calm.". And then I wanted to live up to that. Yeah. And I almost crumbled with that. facade. Wow. You know, and that became a. reputations themselves can can can. become a prison. So, we need to do our best to break out. of those, knowing that half the time. those reputations we create were there.

to protect us, and we don't realize now. they're imprisoning us. I mean, that's a. whole 'nother level of deep. Like, yeah. No, it's so true. It's so true. I, you. know, I was just in the studio recording. my Calm meditations. Yeah. So, we once a month, I'm in the studio. for like four, five days a week, four, five hours at a time to do a month. of content for for my daily meditations. on Calm. And me and the crew have a. really good, like, uh banter. Yeah. So, there's a producer.

in the studio, there's a sound engineer. in the studio, and there's two sound. engineers uh remote. But, it's the same. team we work with every month, and I've. worked with them for 12 months now, nearly. And. it's we have such great banter, and all. we do is lay into each other joking. around, and then I'm teaching meditation. at the same time. And I kind of set that culture from the. beginning, where I was joking around. with everyone, messing around with. everyone, for that same reason that I. don't want to be. perceived as a guru. And and I'll often. go out of my way to talk about soccer or.

FIFA, or whatever it may be, just. because and and I love soccer and FIFA, like, that's a real genuine love for me, but I'll do that in order to get away. from this kind of pedestal. because. what I've realized is everyone's a. theist. Like everyone's looking for God. in their own way. Whether your God is. your football team or whether your God. is your favorite restaurant or where. your God is a person. Yeah. And so everyone's looking for God in. some way or the other and we keep. projecting God-like imagery onto people.

and then they let us down and everyone. will let you down. There isn't anyone. who live up to that God-like imagery. And then we almost make it like it's a. fault in them. Yeah. as opposed to realizing that it. was a fault in a vision that that. someone could be that way. It's hard to feel that pressure on. yourself. Like what you're saying like. if Humble's always the calm, collected. guy, that's like a God-like projection. Yeah. None of us are always calm. I'm. definitely not always calm.

Uh I'm definitely not always uh you. know, thoughtful and reflective. I I can. be irritated irritable and irritated. Uh so yeah, I I love that idea of. breaking your own reputation for. yourself. And and I think just a. reminder that it will not disqualify you. from love. Mhm. Um. there is a 4-minute compilation video on. YouTube of Beyoncé falling off stage. Mhm. And I challenge anyone to watch it. and think if it changes their love for. her in any capacity. It doesn't. Um If.

anything it increases your love. it. And and and again, going back to our. our village small tribe days, this was. this is also a survival tactic. It's you. had to find the best hunter and start to. emulate them and almost worship them. because you would hunt like them and. that would be good for the whole tribe. But not only would we start hunting like. them, we would start dressing like them, walking like them, talking like them, you know, and that's built into our. culture where it's like, I love the way. LeBron James plays basketball. I love. the way Steph Curry plays basketball.

But now I'm also going to drink whatever. beverage he drinks. I'm also going to. wear the shoes he wears. And then also. they're encouraged to not film their. practice. and just let us see them become. superhuman on stage in front of us. We. don't watch them to be good, we watch. them to get better. So this also puts in. this message that perfection is. something that you want. But again, perfection. is is not real. These people aren't. perfect, I'm not perfect, you're not.

perfect and that's important for us not. to be perfect because that's the only. way we can actually be vulnerable and. have these meaningful connections. And. knowing, you know, as and and it's. having these conversations, especially. having conversations with people who are. on social media that. don't even have they're not even public. figures and they still refer to the. people. Like the people need to the. people want to see where I'm going on. vacations. You're like, who is the. people? The big and the big thing I've I've I've. been thinking about, you know, recently.

is this concept of again, getting out of. the black and white thinking, you know, there are rewards and punishments. Society and social media. and your friends groups. will reward certain behavior and it can. be subtle and you can see that your. parents growing up they rewarded certain. behavior. We have to realize that not. receiving a reward is not the same as a. punishment. You know, so when people say society. expects me to be beautiful, you may be. right. I'm not going to argue with that. Society I can't tell someone what.

signals and cues they get. What I can. tell you is if you decide not to play. the game, you won't be punished. If. anything, you'll be left alone. You know, if I don't play social media. the way it needs to get played, I may. not grow. But they're not going to blow up my. phone, you know, and you know, and and. and make it impossible for me to exist. I just may not get any more rewards. And. I think that's important to understand. that not getting a reward is not a. punishment. Let's get out of that black. and white thinking and then again, we. can be a little bit easier on ourselves,

a little bit more liberated because the. maintaining these expectations. expectations are going to only close. more pathways to love. Expectations from. other people, expectations of ourselves. What we have to do is just have. intentions, which is I want to get. better every day. You know, and that progress is something. that we can celebrate, build. self-respect, and we can also do that. with other people. We can set intentions. of what we want things to be, and those. intentions will also include our. boundaries. Oh, man, so powerful. I want.

to I want to talk about We've talked a. lot about like. finding love within yourself, you know, being alone, finding that. inner growth, that confidence. We've. talked a lot about meeting the right. person. How do you know whether to. figure it out if someone's right for. you, knowing what you want in someone. I'm intrigued by. you know, when we have been in a. relationship for a long time, and you. were in a long relationship that. inspired you to write this book, and you find, as you said, you're going. those separate ways, like you want to go. to Boston, private jet going to Hawaii.

Sometimes we spend longer in a. relationship trying to figure out. whether it's going to last than we do in. actually building it, making it last. Yeah. So, we're questioning a. relationship for longer than we're. creating a relationship. Yeah. So, if someone's in that phase of their. life, what are some of the things that. you thought about? What are some of the. things you discovered in the writing of. this book that you'd encourage them to. reflect on or introspect on? Without. playing the blame game, let's always.

focus on where we can take. responsibility cuz that's where we'll. have power. In any situation, you know, if somebody rear-ends my car, that's not my fault, but it's still my. responsibility. I got to go to the. mechanic, I got to go handle insurance. And I think in our conflicts with. people, we have to look at our. responsibilities as well, and I think. that's super important. In these. situations, when we look at our. responsibility, what we can start to. focus on is love as the the. Mhm. Love through service. One of the. simple things that I realized was like, "Okay, when I feel enthusiastic about.

somebody, I want to share my world with. them." Mhm. That doesn't build a. connection as much as me. enthusiastically diving into their. world. So true, man. So well said. this doesn't just apply to romantic. relationships. This can be you and your. grandkid. This can be you and your. siblings. This can be you and a. co-worker. You know, these. relationships, it's we make them about. ourselves because we want to find that. value, but we'll gain more value and. build stronger connections when we dive. into the other person's world and start. to see that. Now, for some people,

communication, I think, you know, communication is key. You know, everything needs to be a conversation. We need to become more aware as a couple. as well about what we have expectations. of because so often it's a template. Having a conversation with somebody. yesterday, even like the definition of. things. What's the definition of. cheating? Everyone has different definitions. You know, and if somebody's like, "Okay, well, it's physical." But then if. somebody else it might be emotional. Mhm. You know, and that is something. that, you know, these are uncomfortable. conversations you need to have. For for.

for folks like us, we grew up around. arranged marriages. And I think the one. thing that I always thought was cool. about arranged marriages is they ask a. lot of the inconvenient, uncomfortable. questions. They ask those up from the jump, you. know, family history, medical history, finances, all of this type of stuff. But. I think all these uncomfortable. conversations, which we think, you know, will just kind of fall into. place. Uh Jordan Peterson talks about. this. He goes, "Have a definition of. what a made bed looks like. Mhm. Have a. definition of what, you know, the rules. are at the breakfast table, you know,

including yourself, recognizing the. micro issues that can become bigger. issues, Yeah. and you address them. You nip them. at the bud, you know, and I think those. are really interesting things to do. Um. I love the Shirley Glass analogy, too, which is walls and windows, which is. when you're in a romantic relationship. with somebody, there is a window between. you. So, first, acknowledge there's a. window. So, now, let's not look at the. other person as our possession. Let's. look at them as someone who's opened a. window to us and we have. access to them. And then we need to.

create a wall around us. Cuz the moment somebody outside gets a. better view of what's happening on the. inside, that can be a really strong. definition of infidelity. Mhm. You know, whether it's physical or not. So I think. that's a really important thing to. understand. This is not your person. This is somebody who's giving you access. to them. And now you can continually. strengthen that relationship. And I. think the other one is love is a game, but the goal of the game is not to win. The goal of the game is to keep it fun.

so everybody keeps wanting to play. So. treat it like a game, but treat it where. the the goal is for every You want to. keep everybody in the room wanting to. play. And I think that's important. because when we get into battles or. disagreements, the disagreements turn. into something else very quickly. And. there's something called the the bagel. method or donut method, depending on. what you like better. Donuts. Donuts. Donuts. Donuts. Donuts. And you have the small circle and you. have the big circle. Whenever there's a. disagreement, the small circle is where. you should identify. And this is from. the Gottman Institute. I'm not taking.

credit for this one. But the small. circle is where you identify your non-. your actual non-negotiables. Mhm. Me and. you're going to go to dinner. What are the actual non-negotiables? You're vegan. That's an actual. non-negotiable. Now, all the everything else becomes a lot. clearer. Or there might be three, four. more things. Maybe I had Mexican. yesterday, so today we're not we're not. going for Mexican. Don't want to have. carbs, so I don't want to do pasta or. what have you. Doing that for yourself first prepares. you to communicate to somebody else. And.

I think that's really important. So. often we expect people to just know us, just understand us, read our minds. Through all we've been talking about is. self-awareness, and it's an endless. journey. We don't even know us. Mhm. I. don't know me. How can I expect to know. me? And then when you do know me through. your observations of me externally, recognize that you're on my team and. you're telling me the things for the. benefit of of of us. When there's a. problem, it should not be me versus the.

other person. It should be us versus the. problem. And. the big idea in explaining all of this. is realizing that love is fuel, not. glue. Love doesn't keep us together. Love is what we use to work at it. And. this applies to romantic relationships, our relationship with our co-workers, our friends, our family. We have to work. at it. We sometimes feel like it's. autopilot because especially. I know brown boys and their moms, we get. this unconditional love just for. existing. That can't be what we're.

looking for in our romantic. relationships. There there needs to be. conditions. And then we need to stay we. we need to be. on our toes putting in energy and. effort, you know? And I think that's. really important where. you know, back to what what I've learned. from the Gita Gita, you are only. entitled to the labor. And that labor in itself should be the. reward, not the outcome of that labor. And in these relationships saying I. I love you and I want to serve you. And.

serving you is the point of reveal and. this is where the love is revealed, you know? Love is going back to the. original, you don't win love. You don't find love. The love is already. there. You're doing the work. So the. analogy I like to use is love is a. breeze. And the work that we're doing is to open. our sails. You know, I struggled in my last. situation cuz I could not receive love. It wasn't that there wasn't love there. It was my inability to open my sails. because of the walls, the lack of. vulnerability, my need to win in an.

argument, my need to to be in control, my silly ideas there might be something. better out there. All of these ideas I. realized that it was me. I had my door closed. I had my sails. closed to the breeze that was always. there. When we do that work, that by. default will create a better. relationship with ourselves, which will. inform every single relationship we have. around us. Master class, man. Master. class. I want everyone to know when you. open up this book because you're going. to order it straight after this. conversation if you haven't already.

There are chapters in here that will. blow your mind. I want to share some of them with you. We've talked about a lot of them today, but there's a lot we have not talked. about. So, we have. We We discussed this Oh, this one we did. not talk about. Love and ego won't hold. hands. Definitely going to read that. chapter. Chapter 18, envy pulls us away. from love. Definitely want you to go and. check out that chapter. This one is is one that really struck. out to me. They can only love us for.

yesterday. Love is saying no. There are some. phenomenal chapters in this book. I highly recommend recommended. The book. is called How to Be Loved. Simple truths for going easier on. yourself, embracing imperfection, and. loving your way to a better life. Humble, this has been I mean. We should record our conversations more. often cuz I'm like this has even been. one of those like It's been a really fun. like what I love doing with you, which.

we've done today, which we do in real. life all the time is we like really. unpack stuff. We kind of like critically. analyze stuff. We kind of try and like. break down as much as we can to try and. get to the core of what we're talking. about. Is there something that I haven't. asked you about today or that you feel. compelled to share with our community. that's really on your heart that you. want to. pass forward? I mean, as you were. reading all the chapters, I want people. to know every chapter is only two pages. That's why there's so many chapters. There's over 60 chapters. And the way we designed the book, and I.

would love for you to do it. You can. open to any page, and you will find a. quote that that stands out immediately. That will give you that. So, what does. it say? The more we keep our word and. act on our commitments, the more. momentum we create and the better habits. we can build. And And that is talking. about self-love. So, all it is is you can open this book to. any page, you'll find something you. love. Um, if you read that first. chapter, you know, you'll definitely be. in tears as I was in tears writing it. Um, and if you finish this book, you're. going to walk away not considering love.

complicated. You you know, love is. simple. Not easy. I'm not saying love is. easy. I'm saying love is simple. You. know, this was a labor of love and a. labor to love for me to write and and I. really really really appreciate you, you. know, opening me up to your community. and all the help that you've done for me. even behind the scenes with this, you. know, I it taught me the journey of. going through this taught me a lot in. terms of service, in terms of authentic. love, and I'm super grateful for that. Thank you so much for having me, man. Of. course, brother. I highly recommend this. book. As Humble said, it's one of these.

rare books that you can literally flip. to any page and you're going to find. wisdom right there. And so, if you're. one of those people who needs it, made. it really simple, really accessible, to. kind of shake you up, wake you up, you. know, take your mind away from. distractions. This book is beautifully. created for that. I highly recommend. this book. I'm going to be picking it as one of my. books of the months for my genius. community as well. Please please please. go support Humble. He's an awesome dude. as well in real life. Please go follow.

him on Instagram, on Twitter, on all. forms of social media. And make sure. that you tag me and Humble with your. insights and your takeaways from this. episode. I think we really got into some. fascinating territory that I didn't even. think we would. And I want to know what. your thoughts are on that, what your. reflections are on that. So, make sure. you tag us both on Instagram with your. biggest biggest insights. And I can't. wait for you to listen to another. episode of On Purpose. Big shout-out to. Humble for turning up again. Humble was.

I mean, I want to end with this, because. you were one of the first guests to ever. come on the show. You were in the first. couple of months when we launched. And that's really special for me, because when we started the podcast, and. when you would have recorded with me, the podcast didn't even exist, I don't. think. And for everyone who believed in me to. come on the show back then means the. world to me. So, the credit goes back to. you, because. I I remember when you asked me, I was. like, "Me? You want me on the podcast?". And it was, you know, it it it filled my.

heart. And yeah, it was definitely, you. know, there there was a little kind of a. juxtaposition here of like, "I'm coming. to talk to my friend, but this is also. the biggest podcast in the world." And. it's like, the excitement of talking to. Jay, but the the anxiety around being on. a podcast is is is just it really. tripped me out a lot. And I and I. appreciate, as I said, I appreciate you. having me, but I'm so. happy and proud. I I think what I want. your audience to know is one of the. reasons our conversations go so long is. because you are so clear and. purpose-driven with what you do, that.

So, you don't. when we LA is a city full of dreamers, and you are you are you're you're. mission-based. So, you don't tell me. your ambitions, you tell me your. mission. And then, I watched the mission. come to life. And, you know, with most people, you. know, your goals should be clear, your. strategies can be negotiable. And I. think, you know, when you mentioned this. podcast, or when you mentioned um a. million of the other things that you. that you're doing, to watch you speak.

about it, to watch it come to life, and. to watch it grow, and to watch it become. like in everybody's. People quote you all the time to me, not. knowing we know each other. I think. recently in an episode, you mentioned my. name, my phone blows up. And it becomes. and but it's it just makes me so proud, because this is a this is. purpose-driven, but it takes work, and. you have an amazing team helping you do. it, and you're consistent with it, and. good things happen to people who stick. with it. So, just like congratulation.

with this. For me this being full. circle, being being one of the first. episodes, and me being here now seeing. all the changes that you do is been is. just it fills my heart. Yeah. That that. that also lets me know where love. exists. Thank you, man. inspired by that. Well, and and as your. friend and also as someone who, you. know, doesn't like to falsely glorify. and just pump people up for the sake of. it cuz I don't see the value in that in. the same way as I don't see the value in. criticizing people for no reason. You crushed it today, man. Like. everything that you shared, there was so.

many great messages and I honestly. haven't like thought this fast and. reflected on so many things this much in. a long time. And so you have this unique. ability to get me in the zone really. quickly, too. And I value that. friendship so much, man. It's such a. rare intellectual pleasure and joy as. well that comes with it. yeah, it's always fun, man. I wish I you. know, I'm glad this is recorded cuz I. don't need a notepad. Yeah. Well, everyone else is going to need a. notepad. But thank you, Humble. Again, everyone, the book is called How to Be Loved.

Go and grab your copy right now. And. thank you so much for listening to this. episode. If you want even more videos. just like this one, make sure you. subscribe and click on the boxes over. here. I'm also excited to let you know. that you can now get my book Think Like. a Monk from thinklikeamonkbook.com. Check below in the description to make. sure you order today.