The Adult Guide to Spotting Fake Friends (And Finding Real Ones)

Fake friends want you to say yes, even. when your soul is screaming no. Real. friends respect your no because they. care more about your peace than their. plans. Fake friends want your agreement even. when you see the world differently. Real. friends want your honesty because truth. matters more than comfort. Fake friends. need your validation. Real friends can. handle your challenge. Because fake.

friends are only loyal to your. compliance. But real friends they're. loyal to your authenticity. The number. one health and wellness podcast. Jay. Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only. Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On. Purpose. I'm your host Jay Shetty and. I'm so grateful that you've joined me. today. Whether you're cooking, whether. you're walking your dog, whether you're. at the gym, whether you're commuting to. or from work, I'm so thankful that. you're spending this time with me. Make.

sure you subscribe to the channel so. that you never ever miss an episode. Now, I feel like I'm at that age where. the conversation around friendships is. back. I feel like we talked a lot about. friends when we were in our teens and. I'm at that point in my life right now. where I know that some of my friends are. feeling a bit screwed over by other. friends. Other friends are feeling like. people are not showing up for them. Other people are starting to figure out. who people really are. And it's strange. when you've had someone in your life for. 10 years, 15 years, maybe even less than.

that, where you start to think about was. this person ever really a friend? Were. they a fake friend? Did they have. different agendas? Did they have. different motives? Did they have. different intentions? How did we even. connect? Wait a minute, why did I trust. this person? If you've ever had any of. those questions before, this episode is. for you because I'm going to break down. the subtle signs between real and fake. friends. Now, the truth is no one's a. fake person or a real person. It's just. how they are with us. Sometimes you'll.

find that someone is really good to. someone else and they're not great with. you. So, this isn't about people as a. whole, but it is about the behaviors, the patterns that you've seen, the. patterns that you've experienced, so. that you can learn to protect yourself. and have a stronger filter, have a. stronger set of boundaries. So, the. first one is this. Fake friends want you to say yes when. you want to say no. And what I want you. to do is watch how they handle your no.

See, here's the thing. Fake friends, they get sulky, they may get distant, or. even manipulative when you set a. boundary. A real friend, they'll. actually respect it when you say no. Maybe they'll tease you, but they don't. withdraw their love or respect for you. because of that. Now, there's some. psychology behind this. When someone. respects your boundary, it's because. it's tied to secure attachment.

See, the thing is that fake friends, they perceive limits as rejection. So, when you say, "Hey, I don't want to go. out at 10:00 p.m. tonight. I want to get. an early night." They see that as you. saying, "I don't want to spend time with. you.". Other people, when they hear a boundary. like, "You know what? Actually, I'm not. sure I want to drink for the next. month." They're thinking that's an. invitation to see if they can get you to. come out. So, the challenge is that a. real friend is trying to listen, but it. also requires them to potentially have. secure attachment from their background.

So, sometimes someone's not a fake. person. They're not a bad person. It's. just that their wiring has made them. insecure and now they're projecting that. insecurity onto you. Now, that doesn't. mean you have to deal with it. It. doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but I want you to understand it. See, someone with secure attachment is. reliable without suffocation. They show. up when it matters, but they don't need. to be in your pocket 24/7. An example is.

they'll check in if you're sick, but. they don't demand constant updates. throughout the day. Another one from a real friend is that. they'll respect your boundaries. They. don't guilt you when you say things. like, "No, I don't think I can make it. My plans have changed, things have. shifted." They'll be like, "Totally. fine. We'll catch up later. We'll figure. it out." It's someone who allows you to. feel comfortable. How many times have. you ever had it where you're actually. scared to tell someone that you can't. come to an event, a party, a gathering,

whatever it is. It's your friend. It's. someone that you should know really. well. It's someone that should. understand you. And you might have a. legitimate reason, or you might have the. worst reason. But it's your friend. You. should be able to tell them. That's a. clear sign that you have a real. connection with someone that you can. actually share, "Hey, you know what? I'm. just not feeling it tonight." I do want. to show up for you, but is there another. way I can show up for you this week? Tonight's just not going to be it for. me. And a good friend will understand. And by the way, you'll understand when. they do the same for you.

That's why good friends, real friends, experience comfort with absence. Time. apart doesn't weaken the bond. How many. times have you experienced where you. reconnect with a friend after months, and they're good friends, and that's why. it's just easy. It's almost seamless. You pick up where you left off. But when. someone's not a great friend, they. remind you of that. Oh, yeah, you. haven't reached out to me in 4 months. Oh, you know what? You didn't You didn't. reply to me immediately. Oh, you know. what? It's been 4 hours since I text. you. It's a really interesting thing because.

the truth is, hopefully, you have a connection enough. that that person should know you care. about them, and you know they care about. you. But when that's used against you, that's. when it starts to cause issues. The other aspect of it that's really. important is something known as balanced. support. They don't just comfort you, they challenge you to grow. This is. something you have to allow. It's. something you have to invite. If every. time your friend gives you feedback, or. your friend gives you insight, and you.

reject it, guess what? You're actually. rejecting them from saying uncomfortable. things to you. Now, there is a. difference. Is someone sharing something. with you for you to get better, or is. someone sharing something with you to. look better? Sometimes your friend will give you. feedback to make you better. But sometimes someone will give you. feedback to make themselves feel better. This is an intention and energy thing, where we have to learn to check in with. ourselves, to check in with them and.

recognize whether they're coming from a. good place. If they're coming from a. place of making you feel bad, to be more. powerful, to control you, we don't want. that kind of person in our life. But if. they're coming from a place for you to. grow, for you to be better, you want to. be open and invite that. A lot of us. close it off. A lot of us make people. feel bad for sharing great feedback. A. lot of us make our friends feel like we. don't have space for that or room for. that. And all that leads to is a less. honest, less transparent relationship.

Now, I do want to share that a lot of. people's attachment, whether it's secure. or insecure, could be based on their. childhood. John Bowlby, who's a. psychologist, who's the attachment. theory founder, found that secure. attachments in childhood predict trust. and resilience in adulthood. So, if. someone's had a tough childhood and they. haven't experienced that from their. parents, it's less likely they're going. to have that with you. And in. friendships, this translates into. predictable safety. Right? You don't.

fear abandonment, they don't experience. betrayal or rejection, or constant. judgment. Research shows securely. attached adults are better at conflict. resolution, empathy, and forgiveness. This is why I keep saying there's no. fake person. There's only people who. have experiences that have made them. harder at dealing with these things. Again, that doesn't mean it's an excuse. It doesn't mean you tolerate it. You. still have to protect yourself. But it's. good for us to understand it. Fake. friends want you to say yes, even when.

your soul is screaming no. Real friends. respect your no because they care more. about your peace than their plans. Fake friends want your agreement even. when you see the world differently. Real. friends want your honesty because truth. matters more than comfort. Fake friends. need your validation. Real friends can. handle your challenge. Fake friends. prefer the version of you that's easy,

polished, and agreeable. Real friends. embrace the version of you that's messy, complicated, and real. Because fake. friends are only loyal to your. compliance. But real friends. they're loyal to your authenticity. The. second way to know is fake friends keep. score, and real friends they lose count. Now a fake friend will say, "I bought. you coffee last time." A real friend.

will say, "Don't worry, I've got this. one.". Or actually, if they really did get you. coffee last time, you'd be the one to. say, "Don't worry, I've got this one.". Think about that. Healthy bonds operate. on generosity, not ledgers. Right? Fake. friends remember what you owe. Real. friends forget what they gave. If I. asked you, can you list off. all the nice things you've done for your. friend in the last 30 days? I'm sure you don't know. I'm sure you. can't remember. If someone said to me,

"What were all the nice things you do?". I'd have to really rack my brain to push. to find those things. I'd find them. But, it's not something I'm thinking. about. It's not something I think about. when I text them. It's not something I'm. thinking about when I call them. It's. not something I'm thinking about when. I'm with them. A good friend is not. thinking about all the good things. they've done for that person if you're. in a real friendship. And the same way. is back. They're not thinking about all. the good things they've done to you. If anything, a real friendship is when. you're talking to someone.

in your mind and heart, you're thinking. of all the amazing things they've done. for you. And they're thinking about all the. amazing things you've done for them. You're not there thinking about all the. amazing things you've done for them. And. they're not there thinking about all the. amazing things they've done for you. It's all about the gratitude and. reciprocity. We're all there in your head going, "Wow, I'm so grateful to have such a. good friend." And they're feeling the. same. Now, this is counterintuitive. We think debt is only financial. But, social debt, "I did this for you,

so you owe me." is the real trap of fake. loyalty. And there's psychology behind. this. This is called scorekeeping. behavior in relationships. Genuine. friendships thrive on communal norms, giving without expectations. While fake. ones operate on exchange norms, transactional give and take. When you're. keeping score, you always feel like. you're giving more. Let me say that.

again. When you're keeping score, you. always feel like you're the one giving. more. And psychology calls this the. self-serving bias. We tend to. overestimate our own contributions and. underestimate the contribution of. others. You remember all the things you. do right, but you forget all the things. you do wrong. You remember all the. things that they do wrong, and you. remember none of the things that they do.

right. Scorekeeping is competitive. It's. all about who's doing more, who's giving. more. But real friendship isn't about. competition. It's about collaboration. It's thinking as a team. If everyone on. a team is thinking about who's doing. more, who's doing less, you can't win. But if everyone plays. their role, that's when you get a chance. If over. time one person feels like the debtor. and resents it, the other feels like the. creditor and grows bitter. Fake friends remember what you owe. Real.

friends forget what they give. Fake. friends keep score. Real friends lose. count. Fake friends hand you favors with. strings attached. Real friends give. without conditions. Fake friends treat. kindness like currency. Real friends. treat kindness like breathing. Fake. friends loan support to be repaid. Real. friends invest love.

with no return expected. Fake friends. give to gain. Real friends give to grow. One way to know the difference between a. real or a fake friend. is share the good news and watch the. micro reaction. We've always talked. about how a good friend is someone you. can reach out to in the time of need. When someone shows up for you when. things aren't going well for you, that. says a lot. It says a lot about them. And you shouldn't forget those people.

But you know what's really interesting? A real friend is also someone. that you want to talk to when you're. winning. When you're doing well, when things are. going great. How many times have you. thought about calling someone or texting. someone about a win, a promotion, a. little win, a small win in your life, and you actually hold back. because you thought. I don't want to. I think this person might be a bit. triggered by it. Now, hey, if they're. going through a really difficult time. right now, that makes you a good friend. to think about that. If we're thinking.

about how our actions can agitate and. trigger and upset other people because. of what they're going through, that. makes us a good friend. But at the same. time, a great friend of yours will want. to hear about your wins. Unless they're. going through something really, really. difficult. And that's what it takes. It. takes two people to really understand. the nuances of what friendship requires. But when you're getting to know someone, this is a great rule to use. Share good. news and watch their micro expressions. A fake friend will have a delayed smile.

They'll have a quick subject change or a. subtle undercut. Right? They might say. something that kind of makes it seem. insignificant. A real friend has genuine excitement, follow-up questions. They're curious and. they match your energy. Microexpressions. reveal envy faster than any words can. mask it. Now, here's the true question. Can you be friends long-term with. someone who envies you?

Here's the answer. Yes, but only if their envy evolves into. respect and learning. Envy has a cousin called study. They're. both the same thing. In one sense, you're admiring someone else, but in. envy, you wish you had it. Whereas in. study, you want to know how they got it. Right? In envy, you think, "I wish I had. that. I deserve more. I can't believe. they got it. Why not me?". In study, you think, "How did they get. there? I hope I can learn from them. I.

hope I can grow with them." Envy at its. root is corrosive. It's wanting what. someone has and potentially even wishing. that they didn't have it. Psychologists. call this malicious envy. It eats away. at trust because deep down, someone's. secretly rooting against you. But there's another form of envy that is. more common. The kind that says, "You. inspire me and I want to rise to your. level.". That kind of envy can actually. strengthen a friendship. It becomes.

fuel. The danger is this, envy always. puts a crack in the glass. If that person doesn't deal with it, resentment leaks through. And over time, you'll notice subtle. jabs, muted applause, or that quiet. satisfaction when you stumble. So, the. real answer is, you can be friends with. someone who envies you, but only if their envy becomes respect. or becomes support. If it stays envy,

you'll never feel safe because envy. doesn't clap for you. It competes with you. A real friend. isn't threatened when good things happen. for you. They celebrate with you and. even use your success as motivation to. push themselves forward. A fake friend. feels uneasy when you succeed. They may. smile, but deep down, they're wishing it. happened to them. A real friend asks, "How can I support you?" A fake friend.

asks, "Why not me?" A real friend claps. loudly when you win. A fake friend claps. softly or not at all because your win. feels like their loss. A real friend grows with you. They're. inspired by your growth and want to rise. alongside you. A fake friend resents. your growth. They want you to stay the. same so they don't feel left behind. Real friends see your success as shared. joy. Fake friends see your success as.

their personal failure. Again, I want to. point this out. If you're a real friend. too, you'll be mindful of agitating or. hurting someone. I was talking to a. friend recently. They. were really excited that they got. pregnant, but they knew that one of. their friends had just had a. miscarriage. So, they were mindful in. how they shared that news. Does that. mean the friend who had a miscarriage. was a bad friend because they couldn't. be excited? Of course not. They were. going through something extremely tragic. and difficult. And so, we have to.

realize that good friend requires. understanding on both sides. I think we. live in a culture right now that goes, "Well, if you don't show up for me, then. we're not good friends." But did I show. up for you properly in that moment, in. the way you needed me to as well? You've. got to take that into account. The next. one is that fake friends make you feel. like you're not enough or you're too. much all at the same time. Real friends. make you realize you are just who you. are. Right? A real friend's going to be. like, "Hey, sometimes you can be. annoying, right? Sometimes you are the.

most frustrating person to be around.". But that's not too much. And it's not. not enough. A fake friend will say, "You know what? Sometimes you're just too much. You're. just You're just too much." A fake. friend will be like, "Yeah, I don't. think you're good enough at that." I. don't think I don't think you I don't. think you could do that. There's no. openness. A fake friend is also someone who tells. you you're amazing and you can do. everything. A real friend goes, "Hey, have you thought about this?". And that is so much dependent on us as a. friend. Are we giving them that space to.

be that way? It's not just how people. are, it's how we allow them to be. If we. want to be surrounded by everyone who. says yes to every one of our ideas, that's what you'll get. Then you can't. be mad that you don't have honest. friends. But if you're someone who. allows for someone to say that to you, you can have much deeper relationships. But maybe you've had this. Maybe someone. said to you, "You're too sensitive. You're not enough." Whatever it may be. The truth is a real friend will be like, "Hey, this is the reality. This is what. you look like. Sometimes you're great,

sometimes you're not great, right?". Unconditional positive regard predicts. healthy bonds. Real friends never make. you feel too much or not enough. Fake friends make you question yourself. Too loud, too quiet, too needy, too. distant. Real friends accept your highs. and lows. Fake friends only want that. easy version of you. Real friends let. you show up unfiltered. Fake friends make you edit yourself to.

keep their approval. Real friends remind. you that who you are is enough. Fake. friends leave you feeling. like you always need to be someone else. Now, this is probably the biggest one. Observe how they talk about others. Fake. friends, they constantly gossip, especially about people that they call. their friends. A real friend may vent. occasionally, but they don't undermine.

or betray someone's confidence. Now, here's the behavioral cue. Gossip about. others is future gossip about you. Remember that. If someone's gossiping. about others, that means in the future. they will probably gossip about you. And. what we do is we use gossip as a way to. bond. It's the easiest, lowest form of. connection. If we both don't like the. same person and we bond over that, that. is the lowest form of connection. This.

is known in the Bhagavad Gita as. something known as the mode of. ignorance, where we connect over. negativity, fear, ignorance, anxiety. Right? Where we're. getting connected because we both hate. the same person or don't like something. about them. A step up from that is. something known as the mode of passion. It's when you bond with someone because. you have the same goals. You want to do. the same workout, you want to build. muscle, you want to lose weight, whatever, and you both want the same. thing. You want to be successful. Higher. than that is when you connect with each.

other because you want to create peace. in each other's lives. You want love, joy, connection, that's what you want to. share. Those are the three types of. relationships. We've got to be really careful about. that the bonds that are made over. gossip. If someone bonds with you by. talking badly about others, the unspoken truth is they'll do the. same with you. Research shows negative. reciprocity. How people behave towards. others is how they're likely to behave.

toward you. It creates something known. as shallow intimacy. Gossip feels like. closeness because you're in on the. secret, but it's not about you. It's. about someone else not being there. Psychologists call this pseudo intimacy. Quick surface-level closeness that. doesn't last at all. It actually spreads. anxiety instead of safety. True. friendship lowers stress. Gossip does.

the opposite. It plants suspicion. You. wonder, "What do they say about me when I'm not. there?" Gossip activates the brain's. threat detection system, putting you on. edge instead of at ease. Trust theory. shows that once you see someone betray. another, you subconsciously mark them as. a betrayer. Fake friends talk badly about others to. get close to you. Real friends talk. about you to get close to you. Fake.

friends use gossip as the glue. Real. friends use honesty as the glue. Fake. friends share secrets that aren't. theirs. Real friends protect the secrets. you trust them with. Fake friends bond. over tearing people down. Real friends. bond over building other people up. Fake. friends have you wondering what they say. about you when you're not there. Real.

friends make you confident. They defend. you when you're not in the room. Another. way you can tell is that fake friends. want the best from you and real friends. want the best for you. Now, fake friends loyalty is conditional. on your usefulness. Real friends don't care whether you're. useful. They appreciate you. Now, this is the difference between. instrumental versus intrinsic. relationships. Shallow bonds are. transactional.

Deep ones are values-based. A real relationship is one that is built. on values and vision. If you have a similar vision, you have. similar values, you have a powerful. relationship. If you don't, but you. might think you do because some of that. aura from your values and vision can. kind of feel intoxicating sometimes. Fake friends may just want your. connections. They want your network. They want to know how you got there and. that's all they want. Real friends just. want you to be happy and they enjoy your. company. And how everything that adds up.

is that fake friends disappear when you. change. And real friends, they grow with. you. I'm sure in your life, you're at a place. where you have changed so many times. You probably changed since you were at. college. You changed since you were at. high school. You changed now that you're. married or you got kids or whether you. moved to a new city. You've changed in. so many ways. A real friend wants to. know. why you changed, how you're changing. They're curious. You don't have to like. the same thing. Now, this triggers parts. of people because they don't want to.

grow. They might be scared about it, too. So, you've got to be compassionate. and patient. I think that's one of the. most important things is that if you're. changing and growing fast, if you can be. compassionate and patient for others, they may catch up with you and you give. them the opportunity. If we don't, you. can just intimidate people and scare. them. Again, it comes down to both. If. someone's scared of your growth, it. doesn't mean they can't be a good. friend. It's about you also giving them. the patience and grace that you needed. to get to where you are. I hope that. these principles give you a better radar.

and also help you recognize that it's. not really as black and white. I talked. about real versus fake friends to give. you a sense of that, but it's not as. clear-cut. The reality is it requires a. lot from us to be a good friend. as much as we want others to be. And. that comes from understanding, it comes. from having difficult conversations, it. comes from creating space, it comes from. being three steps ahead and waiting. and being four steps behind and hoping. someone waits for you. I really hope. this episode helps you. I want you to.

share it with a real friend. I want you. to share it with someone that you're. struggling with to have a better. conversation and connection. Pass it on. And remember, I'm forever in your corner. and I'm always rooting for you. If you. loved this episode, I need you to listen. to one of my favorite conversations. ever. It's with the one and only Tom. Holland on how to overcome your social. anxiety, especially in situations where. you're not drinking and everyone else. is. We talk about his sobriety journey. and so much more. He gets really.

personal. I can't wait for you to hear. it. It's going to blow your mind. The. quote is, "If you have a problem with. me, text me. And if you don't have my. number, you don't know me well enough to. have a problem with me.".