The 3 KEY SIGNS That Relationship Will Last! (How To Find Love) | Lewis Howes & Jay Shetty

You don't get to have an amazing. relationship with someone because of a. promise or a commitment. You get to do it because you renew that. promise and commitment on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Not because you. want to extend the years you've been. together, but because you want to extend. the growth. Hey everyone, welcome back to awkward. therapy, taboo topics, uncomfortable. conversations. We don't even have a name. yet, but we just know that we're doing.

something that's uncomfortable, awkward, and difficult, but I'm doing it with my. dear friend Lewis Howes, who I admire, I. learn so much from, who we have these. fascinating conversations with every. month for hours and hours and hours, and. we find it really useful to go back and. forth and just dissect a topic. So, today's topic is something that I. think's going to interest a lot of. people because we're trying to ask. questions that we all have in our heads, but no one ever says out loud because. it's kind of. It's scary. It's scary.

to talk about, it's controversial. Especially if you're in a relationship, today's one is a scary one to ask, and. these are two men in relationships. I've. been married and and with my wife for. nearly 10 years now, so that's a long. time. You're in a relationship that. you're very happy in with your. girlfriend Marta, and I'm so happy to. see you both happy, but we're also both. reflecting on these things. So, the. question is, or the question we're. starting with and then we'll kind of get. lost in it, is is it possible. to be exclusive with and love one person.

for your entire life? For the rest of. your life, right? Like that's. Oh. We'll put it out there. Yeah. Yeah. And we want to encourage you. to have this conversation, so you know, with people at work, with people at. home, maybe not with your partner. Maybe maybe WITH YOUR PARTNER, MAYBE. THAT'S A GOOD THING to do. to talk about, yeah. We we want to. encourage you to share this with one. person that you think could be. interesting to have this conversation. with. Maybe that is your partner, a. friend, or whatever. Maybe your parents. Maybe your parents and listen to this,

share this conversation with one person. and set a time to have a discussion. about what you heard, what you liked, maybe what you didn't like from this. conversation, and and share with us in. the comments below in this channel. what was the most interesting thing or. what you'd add to this. I think that'd. be useful for people. I love that. And And by the way, the. reason why this is called Awkward. Therapy is both me and Lewis not. therapists, we're not. We're trying to. figure life out and we believe that. having open and honest conversations.

help us do that because you get to hear. things from another perspective and you. get to just think about something for a. lot longer than like the second you make. decisions. So, anyway, I mean, let's. dive in. I think. So, what's the answer? Can you do that? I I first think of when we grew up Yeah. we watched a lot of movies. that would portray this fantasy or this. ideal, let's call it, that you you find the prince or the. princess, you marry, and it's happily.

ever after. And then in the real world, things. happen. People move town, you get an. opportunity for work somewhere, you have. to do long distance, and there's. challenges. There was a breakup that someone had and. they're still lingering in the new. conversation or they're talking to their. ex or. things just happen in life. Or you're. just on Instagram and you get distracted. by and you think that everyone else is. better than the relationship you have. There's all these shiny opportunities, right? Are these different people that.

could bring you more joy or love than in. the current relationship. And you and I. both have friends that are in, let's. call it, open relationships. I guess you. call it polyamory, right? Where they. have multiple partners or you have one. main partner and you have multiple. relationships. And we both know people that have been. married for a long time, decades, who are happily married. We. both know people that have been married. for decades and are unhappily married. And so, I guess where do we start?

I mean, I I think what you said sparked. something for me. Like, I grew up as a. hopeless romantic based on movies and. music. So, I always believed that. there's the one. and I wanted this big romantic. relationship and I love like flowers and. like poetry and like long walks and. surprises and gifts because I bought. into what Hollywood showed me. So, for. me, I think for a long period of my. life, I believed that love was what I.

saw in the movies. And I know that. sounds ridiculous, but in my teens, I. would say that was massively what I saw. and I was watch American movies. So, people getting asked out to prom or like. was like a big deal in American movies. or whether it was like finding that one. person who's going to solve everything, right? And then you start recognizing that Oh, wait a minute. I had a few relationships. that looked like that on the outside, but then they didn't feel that way. Oh, wait a minute. I've had a few breakups.

now. Oh, wait a minute. Like, I thought. this person was the one, but they. weren't. And then you start recognizing. now that I've been in a long. relationship long-term relationship, you. start realizing love looks completely. different. And so, I think for me, the. way I address this or the way I think. about this is that first of all, you. have to define what love means to you. And what you want love to be. For some. people, they just want love to feel like. attraction, infatuation, desire. And if that's how.

you define love, chances are you're. going to want a new person every month. or every year. Because desire or that type of. chemical desire explosiveness fades. eventually. The study showed that, too. And I'm not. saying that you can't have desire for. someone. I know I know one couple that's. been married for like 30 years and they. would still say they have that and I. love that. desire Yeah, there's different levels of. desire. There's like a conscious healthy. desire where you admire, respect, you're. inspired by and that creates that.

chemistry and that whether you want to. call it sexual desire or whatever desire. you create in your intimacy and. relationship, but the explosive like. unhealthy desire, I feel like only comes. when you're kind of trauma bonding each. other like early on, right? You see. something and you're like, I want that, but then there was never like a. foundation of values, what you really. want in your life together, agreements, you know, this conscious conversation. around being a couple. Yes. Yes. And I.

would say one thing you said which is. really interesting to me cuz I think. it's another societal narrative is that. the desire fades and really what we both. know is that desire deepens. Mhm. Like it becomes about deepening. things. Absolutely. And so it's not that it goes. away, it's just that it evolves. But if. you are only into that initial desire. and I I remember for a long time, I. mean, my greatest joy came from the. pursuit and the chase and the conquest. Pre-monk life. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got a lot Yeah,

pre-monk life. So I got a lot of joy out. of wanting to see if I could get. someone. Like that was the mindset. Yeah, because that was the mindset that. I was brought up in. Now, of course, when I look back at this, I don't. believe in that as a value. I don't. think I don't think women or anyone are. something to get, but I think growing up. as a teenager who wasn't exposed to any. form of wisdom or insight, you grow up. with that mentality of like, you're only. trying to prove it to yourself. That's. Or you're Or you're like buddies or. something to be like, oh, this person's.

into me or look what, you know. Which ultimately is you trying to prove. to yourself that you are worthy so that. your friends respect you. And so now. you're going out to obtain this thing. So How long were you doing that up. until? Like and how how old were you. when you stopped the chase? 21 like 2021. Better man than me. Better man than me. What I realized. was that there was a lot of fun to the. chase. Right? There's so fun. It's like.

this addictive. drug. It's like there is someone out. there that I'm attracted to or has. something that I want or want to be in. in contact with them whether that's a. relationship or. a hookup or whatever might be, right? And then. the the attempt to go after I guess. accomplishing this feat is like a drug. It is like this chemical drug that makes. you kind of obsessive about it, right?

Until you get it and then it when you. get it from a place that is unconscious, it never was fulfilling or rewarding for. me, right? And it was creating a. foundation from something that wasn't. based on values, vision, lifestyle, things like that. They never worked out for me. It was. never healthy. It might have been fun. for 6 months or it might have been some. good intentions here and there, but it. never long-term worked out because. there wasn't a foundation of conscious. relationship being developed. Yeah. I. think that's what you did with Roddy. like when you got out of the the monk.

life and you started a relationship with. Roddy, you guys started from the. beginning. What you told me is about. here are my values. Here's my mission. I'm on a mission to be impactful and. serve humanity. This is the type of. marriage I want to create. This is the. type of life I want to have. This is the. some of the stuff that I remember you. telling me. And I think going into a relationship. with conscious conversations is probably. one of the only ways to set yourself up. to win for a lifetime together, right? Yeah, if you want that. If you want to. be a monk. And I know a lot of I know a.

lot of people who say to me, well, I. enjoy the chase and the pursuit like I. did and you pretty much want a new. person every month, right? For for men. at least, or or men that I know, where. you kind of can get bored quickly. Someone entertains you for a few months, and then after that you need something. new. You need the chase again, the drug. the chase again, and the drug again, which is a great definition, and you. keep moving and moving and moving. And. then the individual has to decide, I. think the choice is, do I want a. long-term relationship, or do I not? And.

there are gifts and pain points in both. Like there are really exciting, amazing. things about dating someone new every. few months, and there are really painful. parts about it. Absolutely. And then there's loads of amazing things. about being with someone for a long. amount of time, or at least long for me. is 10 years, because that's the longest. I've ever done with someone. But then there are loads of challenging. parts about that. And I think everyone. just has to know what type of life. they're signing up for. Uh-huh. And that's why we're having this. conversation, because I don't think that.

you have to love one person for the rest. of your life. I don't think someone. should be forced to believe that's the. only way life works. Especially because. some people dedicate their life to. someone, then that person leaves them, uh whether naturally or unnaturally. Someone leaves them because there's. infidelity, or whatever there may be. And the point is that. you can't force someone to say there is. only one person. And I think often the. institutions of the world, marriage and.

and religion often kind of enforced. people to believe that we got married at. 21, you got to be with this person for. the rest of your life. Or you're a failure. Correct. made mistakes, or you something, something's wrong with you. And I think. that's one of the things why people stay. in a relationship for way too long, because they don't want to be something. a made a mistake, or something wrong. with them. So they try and try and try. to make it work. And maybe they could have made it work, but they just weren't in alignment or. something. But a lot of people I think.

are in shame when they get a divorce or. they're in guilt or they're in sadness. for this loss because. it didn't work out, they weren't who. they thought they were, something. happened, right? Yeah. It's a lot. I've seen people have. been through divorce, it's not fun. Any. just a breakup is not fun. Even if you. got married or not, people go through. breakups and struggle for a long time it. seems like. So, relationships can be. messy for sure. Yeah. But what I have discovered in. 1 year of uh of of our relationship.

Yeah. Uh well, 1 year 1 and 1/2 years of. intense therapy. starting a relationship. This has been. something that I've never done, but for. the last 10 years I've wanted to start a. relationship in therapy. And me and. Martha started that when we first. started kind of hanging out. We weren't. really dating for the first few months, we just kind of were hanging out and. she was dating other people, I was. dating other people or or just kind of. out in the world. When we started. getting more serious about it, I was. like, "Listen, I've always wanted to do this.

and I think it's a deal breaker if we. don't do this. because I just want to make sure that we. are setting ourselves up for success in. terms of. peace, joy. And for me, success in a. relationship is two individuals. independently living their lives and. sharing their lives together. Mhm. Like she's gone for a couple weeks. working on a project in a movie right. now and I'm in Los Angeles doing my. thing. I know with you and your wife, she might be gone or you might be. traveling and sometimes you're doing it.

together and sometimes it's apart and. having the freedom and flexibility to be. yourself. and also be in the relationship. I think. that's for me what is success at this. season of my life. Maybe in 10 years. uh it'll look like something different. Yeah. And I think that's the point, right? Like seeing life as seasons. because. you have to ask the question like why do. we think or why have you in this season. decided to be exclusive to one person? Uh. And I think often we do that. subconsciously. I don't think everyone.

intentionally. thinks, "I feel I'm ready for a. long-term relationship now." I don't. think we do that. I think we assume that. at one point you're meant to kind of get. into one and settle down, rather than. the conscious choice. Or you're. consciously avoiding that. Yes. going, "No, no, no, no, no. The last. thing I want to do is get married or. settle down or be in a long-term. relationship." And so, for me, it's like. everyone has to sit there and look in. the mirror and go, "Why do I want either. right now? What serves me? And what.

serves my vision? And what serves what. I'm trying to do?" That's what it is. I. think when you go back to what is my. vision for my life and what do I really. want, what will support that vision at. the highest level? If you're a single. guy. and your vision is to, you know, be. really focused on your mission and your. business and growth and your health, and. if you're spreading your energy around. 10 different women you're dating at once. over a year or something, or however. many you want to date, there is a lot of excitement to that. lifestyle, but then you have to unwind.

and essentially, you know, reject every. person that you're not going to be with. Yeah. So, there's like this unwinding, there's this hurt phase, there's this. phase where you're, you know, having. challenging conversations and detaching. from that intimacy, those connections. And that's a lot of energy. It's a lot. of effort that's pulling you from your. health or your other relationships or. building something deeper and more. meaningful when you have 10. surface-level relationships as opposed. to one deeper. I have different friends.

who have tried the whole polyamory. thing, who have had multiple partners at. the same time, who've had one person and. then other people on the side. And I've never met one man who has. successfully, I mean, had peace in their. life, let's say, consistently over years. doing that. There might be a year or two. where. Yeah. manageable, Yeah. but then it's like there's always. a breakdown. Yeah, I've I've I've. coached people and worked with people in. that space and I've just found that it's. hard enough With one person. Dealing.

with one person's emotions. Yes. than to deal with two. And this is. what we do as humans, which I find. really interesting, is that we make. everything extreme. So we're so scared. of codependency. Mhm. So therefore we go to polyamory. Yeah. like, I don't want to be dependent on. one person. So instead of figuring out. the trauma as to why I become. codependent, and instead of purifying. and figuring out what it is that makes. me codependent, I just believe that an. external shell of being in a polyamorous.

relationship will solve that. That's. often the mindset of people that I've. met. Yes. saying that that's the only reason. I'm. not saying that Please haters in the. comments and the trolls like, I'm not. saying this is the only reason and this. is I'm just saying that the people I've. spoken to, they've said to me that they. were scared of being codependent, so. they believed if they had more partners. than they wouldn't be codependent. Yeah, or they'd get the excitement that. they were missing in the relationship. They wanted the relationship that would. give them support and peace and. structure.

But if they were missing the excitement, okay, let me go find the excitement. somewhere else. Yeah. And for me that. made a lot of sense in my 20s thinking. that way because I was just like, oh, I. don't know if you could do this with one. person for a long time. That was. probably one of my biggest fears, that I. would be in love with someone or love. someone consciously, but that sexual. desire, that exciting feeling that. happens the first whatever three to six. nine months, I wouldn't have with the person once I. was married with them, when I'd feel.

trapped. Yeah. And I had to really heal a lot of. things from childhood that built that. script or narrative to to realize that. it's possible. with conscious effort to create. connection, chemistry, desire. with one person if they're the right. person in alignment also doing the. conscious work. And that's where I said. like. I need to start therapy so that we have. agreement so I can feel peaceful.

to be myself, my full expression, and. dive into the relationship with. curiosity and fun and excitement and. desire in the relationship. Yeah. And so far, it's been extraordinary. in the process of therapy before. problems. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. you did something that you guys did or. if you did something like that where you. had conscious conversations about kids. or what happens with money and all these. different things before marriage. Was. that something you guys did? and I don't think they ever stop, but. there's important ones to have before.

And and before I get there, I think. there was one thing about the um. that I wanted to mention about polyamory. is that it's it's not that. basically there's no external shell. that's going to solve your internal. trauma and pain. So, whether you're with. one person or whether you're with three. or two or four people, neither of those. are the cure. Like you can't say to. someone like being with one person and. being married to them is the cure for. your pain and trauma. Or that if you.

have two people, then you won't be. codependent. Like that doesn't solve it. And so you've got to figure out what is. it again that I really want. And so for. me and Radhi, like I all I can ever do. is be honest about where I'm at and what. I want at that time. In this moment. In this moment because that's going to. change. if you made a promise on your wedding. day about 10 years, 20 years? don't think it's a promise. I think it's. an ongoing conversation. Yes. that is always changing and. evolving. It's not a commitment or a.

promise. It's not saying I am definitely. up for this. It's saying I am open to. this. I'm considering this or I'm close. to this. This is not what I want. So So. if someone knows they don't want to have. children, but they never talk about that. with someone who they know wants to have. children because you're scared of. raising that, that's unhealthy because. that is going to come up one day. Or if. your desire long-term is to live in. another city or country, but you've not. made someone aware that that's what. you're considering. And so, I don't.

think this is about this is what I want. and this is my promise. It's more just. saying, "This is kind of how I imagine. my life." Right. Like, this is kind of how I think about. it. Things change. Things evolve. People. change and all these different things. I. I think Patrick Bet David said this. I. can't remember where he said this, but I. believe he said like every year around. New Year's or Christmas, I think this. was him, where he says he and his wife. get together and say, "Do we want to do. this for one more year?". Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And what worked this. year? What didn't work?

How can we make it better? And do we. want to do this for one more year? As. opposed to for the rest of our lives, like thinking all the way 50 years away. Yeah. can seem kind of daunting for some. people. And I think that's an. interesting approach. And I think it. could be like, you know, every day, what are we. grateful for? Was there something that. was. off today that we can address so that it. always is improving and growing and in. that conversation of of growth. Every. day, once a week, once a month, every. year, like be having the conversation is. the key. I think making a lifelong.

decision is a recipe for failure. What is it? Anything. Forget loving. another person. What could you say that. you're going to do every day for the. rest of your life apart from shower and. brush your teeth? And breathe. And breathe. Like, what is. there that you could truly say hand on. your heart that you know you'll be able. to maintain? I don't think there's. anything. So, to create that promise. really starts and and I do something. similar more regularly with Radi where I.

always check in with Radi and be like, "Is this the relationship you want? Is this going in the direction you. want?". That's a great question. going in the way I want? Because if it. isn't, are we willing to change? And if we're not willing to change, then. where does this go? Mhm. And I think. doing that regularly, every couple of. weeks, every month, every 3 months, every quarter, turn it into a thoughtful. process, to me that's really healthy. because it gives you the incremental. intricate moments to say, "Okay, well, I.

don't like how this is going." And there. were days in our relationship, certain. years, where I said to Radi, like I'm. like, "This is not the relationship I. want.". Really? And this is what I'm willing to. do for it, to change. Are you willing to. do something? hard for her to hear that? I think This. is after you were married? This is after we were married. I I think. that we established those awkward. conversations and uncomfortable. conversations early. And so, it's continued to be easy to. have them. But what I found is just the.

realness of a human, often her response. will be, "Well, I need to think about. that.". Mhm. Like, I don't know. I'm unaware. I'm not sure. And that requires. patience, and that requires waiting, and. so many other uncomfortable feelings. But you have My point is, if you don't. do that, you're basically living a lie. for for years and years and years. And I. always find this fascinating that when. someone gets divorced, or when someone. breaks up, everyone's surprised. Apart. from those two people. oh, this has been 2 years in the making.

know what's going on, right? And people. may be shocked, and they may not be. happy with it. But really deep down, you. know you've just been going along with. the default. And so, I find that having. that conversation more regularly allows. you to pivot. Or, for some people, part. Yes. But I don't think if you don't have. that conversation, then the pivot or the. part is less likely. My therapist, but. also Martha and I are doing individual. and then together at certain times, right? Which has been extremely helpful. to have separation as well, where I can.

just continue to heal on my healing. journey for my own stuff, she can do her. own work, and then we can do. relationship work together. It's really beautiful experiences. What. our therapist and coach says is. relationships should be about. high engagement, low attachment. You. know, high engagement, low attachment. And she's like, that's the hardest thing. to do. That's like the ultimate. challenge is high engagement, low. attachment. And a lot of times in my. past, speaking for myself, it was high. engagement, high attachment, or low.

engagement, high attachment to the. result, to it working out, and kind of. giving in and abandoning myself just to. like try to make it work. And when I learned. how to heal from a lot of different. stuff from previous relationships, and. just learn how to heal my own childhood. wounds, it was easier for me to make decisions. and be less attached to the result, and. just say, "This is my vision. This is. the type of relationship I want." And.

so, with Martha and me early on, I was. like, "Here is my vision. Here are my. values. Here's the lifestyle I want to. have Mhm. for at least the foreseeable. next few years, and. Yeah. the next 5 to 10 years, what I my. intention is." By coming from that. space, I was completely clear clear, and. I was like, "There's a lot of things you. may not like what I'm going to have to. say, but I'm going to tell you 100% the. truth. I'm not going to give in on my truth, and I'm not going to sacrifice. If you. want me to change a bunch of things cuz. it doesn't make you. happy, then we're just not in.

alignment.". Yeah. Thankfully, she loved all the. things about my values, vision, and. lifestyle moving forward. It's also kind. of revealing all the things I'm not. proud of from the past. It's like, "Oh, this is how I was in this relationship. and this relationship." And I had to. learn a lot. And and reveal that as well, to not act. like I'm the perfect one. It it allowed for more of a conscious. foundation to be started. in our, you know, year of experience, where you guys 10 years, right? 10 years. you've been together? Next year will be 10 years. So, I've.

had, I don't know, 10 failed. relationships in my my lifetime. You've. had 10 years of a a beautiful. relationship. Uh and and. and you've had different things that you. said in the first few years where you. said, "This isn't the type of relationship. where I wanted to be. Like, it needs to. That's not what I'm was into and it's. going in a different direction than what. I wanted.". What would you say for me, the biggest. thing that I've learned was going into a. new relationship, healing the wounds of. the past, or being on the healing.

journey, and having conscious conversations. early, and starting in therapy when. there were no problems, has been. extremely helpful for me Yeah. in 1. year. Yeah. What would you say at 10. year. has been extremely helpful for you that. you also wish you did in the first year, or maybe you did do it and you're still. doing it? Yeah, I I think it's the continuation. It's like when you plant a seed, you. water it, and you make sure you have.

sunlight, and you make sure the soil is. good. When it becomes a tree, you still. do all of those things. You don't stop watering it? just stop, right? Like, you don't stop. like just caring for it. The care might. evolve and change. Like, you don't need. to water a tree in the same way cuz it's. its roots are there, but you can't be. completely negligent. I think the. challenge we've created in society is. that we believe that a long relationship. is a successful one. And really, my definition of a. relationship is, are we growing. together? Are we thriving together? And.

are we learning from each other? Yes. And if we're not. Say it one more time. Are we. growing together? Are we thriving. together? And are we learning from each. other? If I'm not doing that with you. anymore, then if we're not And then the. question is, are you willing to change. something in order to do that? And if. you're not, and I think you have to be. I think the challenge is, and I've heard. you talk about this, I think the. challenge is, no matter how long a. relationship gets, you have to be open. to the fact that you could get to a.

point with someone where there's no more. growth, no more learning, and no more. thriving. And that's that low attachment. is recognizing that just as in a. business relationship, you wouldn't stay. in business with someone if you weren't. growing together, you weren't thriving. together, and you weren't learning. together. Yeah, and you wouldn't keep. your business open if you were in the. negative year after year, you weren't. having fun, it you didn't see. opportunities for growth, you were in an. industry that. was eliminating year after year. You'd.

be like, "Okay, maybe this had its. season." Correct. And it's time to find a new business to. work in. Now, I'm not I'm just not. saying you need to say, "Well, maybe. this person's had its season or this and. this." But, going back to the original conversation, can you be with one person for the rest. of your life? Can you love one person. for the rest of your life. and it be a healthy, overall healthy, enriching relationship? And again, I. think about a successful relationship. where each individual is putting 100%. into their own personal development and.

growth and mission and putting 100% into. making the relationship healthy, conscious, joyful. And that takes a lot. of individual work. 100% on each. individual to want to grow and develop. Yeah. And if not, then it's going to be. there's going to be challenges. Yeah. And I think there's something that. Esther Perel said, probably on both of. our shows, which is. there's a love story and there's a life. story. And there's a lot of people you. can have a love story with, right? Where.

you could fall in love with or date and. have these romantic nights and these. adventures, but they may not be a part. of your life story. So powerful. They. may not have your values, your vision, the lifestyle you want to have in your. life. If a lot of those things don't line up, then maybe you're they're just a. seasonal love story, not a longer season. life story. Yeah. And there's probably. lesser people that could be a life. story. Yes. Yeah. And so I I don't I don't think that. there's.

one person that you could be with for. the rest of your life because, you know, again, something could happen in a. partnership where. uh if someone leaves this world, then. you just going to say, "For the rest of. my life, I'm not going to be in another. relationship." Like there's there might. be a situation or if the relationship. has just had its season. And the person's not willing to keep. working and investing in it, it's like that's tough. And I just think. that's okay. And you're in therapy and. they're just like, "No, I just don't. care about the relationship anymore.". So, the other person's supposed to stay. attached and give 100% when the other.

person's giving 0% for year and year and. year? I don't think that's the type of. life that we were designed to live. Yes. Just to show up cuz we made this a. commitment to an attachment, I guess, but. but that's controversial to say cuz when. you make a commitment to marriage, we should try The intention should be to. stay married. That should be the. intention. But if one person is unwilling to and. they keep breaking their commitments and. they're not willing to get back on track.

or they do things over and over that are. hurtful and they don't apologize and. take responsibility, they don't take. accountability, I don't think over a period of time. someone needs to abandon themselves. Totally. to be taken advantage of and abused and. used. and someone breaking their promise and. their commitments. Of course not. And. and that's one of the biggest issues. with setting a commitment at an early. stage in life. when we're immature. 18, 21. even know yourself and you make these. massive promises and I just Again, I go.

back to that like where else in your. life do you make a decision and have to. stick to it. for 50, 60, 70 years? And so, if you do want that with someone, make. sure that you are checking in regularly, that you're renewing that. Like, you're. reconnecting with each other regularly. because you don't get to have an amazing. relationship with someone because of a. promise or a commitment. You get to do it because you renewed. that promise and commitment on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, not because you. want to extend the years you've been.

together, but because you want to extend. the growth. And so, for me, I think I I. agree with you that no one should feel. forced. And really what marriage is, or what. exclusivity is, or what commitment is, is we're going to try. to grow together continuously. And I. would rather choose to grow with you. than to grow in many different ways. a conscious choice. And I think, listen, neither of us have kids yet. Yeah. And so, I can already see all the. comments of people saying, "Well, wait.

till you have kids, and you don't know. what it's like when you have kids. You. have to sacrifice and give up so much.". And I And I think that's a great excuse. for people, and I think it's a valid. excuse, but I think it's an excuse that. holds people back as well. And I know a. lot of married people with kids who are. thriving, who are having fun every day, or consistently, who are enjoying their. lives, who live independently in the. marriage as well, and have their own. time and flexibility, trust, all those. things. And year after year, they thrive with.

kids. So, again, there are going to be. more and more challenges, and that's why. it's important for each individual to do. the work consistently, independent of. the relationship. Yeah. To just become better humans, more. emotionally evolved, emotionally. intelligent, work on healing. Whatever. is triggering you, work on that healing. journey, so that you're not as reactive. with your partner or life. Yeah. You're. not bringing baggage to the. relationship, you're more having a. conscious conversation in the. relationship. Yeah. Like you said, when we make those.

decisions at 21, Or whatever. Or just earlier. 30, or even at 40, like I I was telling. Martha this other day. I was like, I. don't know if I would have gotten. married There's no way I'd be in a. relationship if I got married at 25, 27, 29. There's just no way cuz I've. had to go through so much inner. challenges to overcome in the last. decade alone. that just now at 39 do I feel like I. finally figured out how to have peace. inside. Yeah. consistently. Yeah. I would have.

messed up any relationship. Totally. without knowing the tools Totally. on on how to just navigate. And it. doesn't mean I'm going to be perfect in. this relationship for the rest of my. life or whatever, but I'm probably going. to make mistakes, but I feel like I have. a better awareness of self. Yeah. At 25, 27, 30, it's like. that's hard. I don't know how you did it. 10 years ago. Yeah, I mean nearly 10. years. It was Yeah, it was next year. will be 10 years. four years of monk training where you. were just. there's I mean there's a bit of. everything, right? Like there's the.

There was some maturity, but now when I. look back, I go I There was also parts. of it that were luck. And when I say. luck, I mean. universal Mhm. divine intervention and. like I was fortunate that it was Radhi. There were lots of parts of it where it. was like. oh, like actually I wasn't as mature as. I thought, but it somehow happened that. we were compatible too. And. You know, there's there's But she was. healthy in a certain ways that supported. you. And that's There's a lot of fortune in. that, too. Like I don't think it's it's.

not fair for me to say that it was all. didactic and perfectly like masterminded. because I was so advanced. That's That's. not true. I think there was some. maturity, but there was also a lot of. immaturity, but that got balanced out by. some of her gifts. And and I think the. point is that. you just can't ever be scared to look in. the mirror. You can't be scared to ask. those questions. You can't ever stop. doing that because that's where it all. goes wrong. I think that I have grown. more significantly.

being committed to one woman than I. would have if I wasn't. So, that's my. perspective. been single for the last 10 years, Correct. and say single or having. different. surface-level relationships, not being. committed to one person for 10 years, where would you be in your life right. now if you could just hypothetically. Yeah, and I don't think it's an external. success or metric of some sort of. financial or, you know, physical.

situation. It's more that I believe that. being in a committed relationship. has taught me skills and qualities that. I wouldn't have. Mhm. if I wasn't. So, I'll give an. example. Yeah. One of my favorite ones is the ability. to self-validate. As opposed to the other person giving. validation. So, I believe that if I was single for. the past 10 years, I would have used. other people to validate myself because.

I would have been able to go to. different people for different forms of. validation. Someone telling me, "Jay, you're this, you're that." Whatever it. is. When you're committed to one person, chances are they don't validate you. sometimes, well, at least in my case, and that trained me in the ability to go. inward and validate myself for what I. care about myself. I'm assuming Radi's not intentionally. not validating you, but you're just in. life and conversation and, you know, you. you wanted something, but maybe she.

wasn't being aware of it or whatever, right? Yeah, the point is you don't get to just. solve it by going and finding it. somewhere else. And and so, I think. that's what I mean that a lot of the. time when you don't get what you want. from one person, you can just go find a. fix somewhere else. But, that stops you. from growing in doing it for yourself. So, that's one of the big ones. Yeah. another one that I'd say that I only got. through being in a committed. relationship was. the recognition that effort.

and contribution to a relationship was. not always visible. So, what I mean by. that is often in a relationship, we. think of the breadwinner or the person. who pays the bills as being the way. someone contributes. Or if someone. cleans and cooks, that's the way someone. contributes. When you get into a relationship for a. long time, you start to realize there. are emotional contributions to a. relationship. There are spiritual. contributions to a relationship, which. you don't get to see when your. relationship is purely physical.

Right. And so now when I look at. relationships, I'm like, "Wow, like. Radhi is contributing to this. relationship, of course financially in. that, but also in this spiritual and. emotional way." Yes. And in my limited understanding, if I. was just moving around, I wouldn't know. if that was even possible. So, I think I. mean those are just a couple, there's so. many, but I believe that I have grown. more and learned more about myself. than I would have if I wasn't, because I. think I would have found a quick fix for. most of my problems. Oh, everything. If it if it was like,

you know, if I was just jumping from. relationship to relationship, or we're. just dating and not actually being. committed to anyone, when there was a moment of anything. getting hard, you just be like, "Ah, I. don't want to deal with this. I'm going. to go to the next person and have fun. and just make it light and make it. interesting and go after the chase and. get that that high again. When I started. the relationship with Martha, I made a. conscious decision, realizing that I was. the problem for every previous. relationship, that I was the common. denominator for things not working out.

I said, "Let me try something different. Let me not dive into what I've always. done, which is the sexual chemistry. first, because that clouded my mind from seeing. the person fully or seeing more of the. person, I should say. And that decision to remove that for the. first, you know, months of us kind of. seeing each other and getting to know. each other, was so powerful for me cuz I was like, "Do I want to be I remember asking some. friends this in the past. I go, "If you. guys didn't have sex, would you still be. together?" And a lot of them were like,

"No." Mhm. Okay, so remove sex from the. relationship or remove sexual chemistry. from the relationship, would you want to. spend quality time with this person. consistently? Are you adding value to. their their life? Are they adding value. to your life? Another person said, you know, could you spend 10,000 meals. with this person? Because that's what. it's going to be like if you're getting. married and you're with them for a long. time. 10,000 meals is it interesting. enough? And when we. jump into from my personal experience, when you jump into sexual chemistry.

first, the foundation is usually a. little shakier. And also, if you're doing that with. multiple people, it's hard to build a strong foundation. with one. And you're never really. getting that piece. It's kind of there's. always something shaky. Yeah. Right? You know, it's like. Well, I mean, that's I mean, the studies. show that, too, that when you engage in. a physical relationship with someone, the chemicals that are released after. sex make you feel closer to them when. you're not actually closer to them. 100%. So, you haven't really done the work for.

deep value-based intimacy, but you're. feeling the high Feels close. chemically. And you can feel that with. people again and again and again. And. that's why we get more attached to. people that we have sex with in that. way. And so, for me, obviously, through. the monk training, like, that was a big. part of it. I mean, celibacy was a huge. part of monk training, and it was all. for mental clarity so you can make. better decisions. Right. It's not about saying that you're. never having sex. It's about the idea. that can I make better decisions without.

being clouded from the sexual chemicals? by a chemical release that is making me. believe something. And I think that's. what people don't That's what people. underestimate is that Do you want to. make a decision based on reality, or do. you want to make a decision based on. chemicals that are being. exposed to you in a particular moment. which aren't reality. And I think. everyone would hold their hand up anyone. who's in the comment section right now. like would say I have been in a. relationship where we had a terrible. relationship but the sex was great. I.

think everyone would agree that they've. been in a relationship. there was an argument we leaned on sex. and got back to like a yeah to a. foundation, right? Yeah, exactly. And. and they know that that was toxic and. unhealthy because they dealt with pain, they dealt with abuse, they dealt with. manipulation, they dealt with trauma. because the sex was good. Right. That's why I think if you. eliminate that at least in the beginning. of a new relationship. To learn. to learn you're going to learn. to make better decisions. Mental clarity. like you said is this person's behavior.

matching their words? Mhm. Do they have. the same values that I have? Are we in. alignment on a lot of these things that. we want? Or do they do certain things. that I'll just never want to be around? You know, for me it was very important. like I've I've never been drunk in my. life. It's not something I do but I can. be around it. It's just like. it's I don't want to be around it all. the time. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if you want. to have wine once a month like I'm cool. with that. If you're drinking every. night three glasses of wine. it's just a deal break it's just not for.

me. And there might be something that uh you. know. in the past if I if a person wanted to. be with me but I was like well I eat. sugar all day that'd be a deal breaker. for them or something. And whatever it. is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's figuring out. like what are the things in alignment. that you both want to see if you can be. in a great relationship to see if you. can be in a thriving relationship. because human beings are just messed up. Yeah. Yeah, and and if you're trying to. like obviously if you're just someone. who's like I just want to sleep around. Yeah. you know, mess around, have fun,

whatever. Sure, that's fine. But if. you're in the position in your life. right now where you're like I want to be. in a long-term relationship then it's a. healthy thing to consider because you. want to have your best decision-making. capabilities. And I also think a lot of people are. getting into relationships when they. feel lonely. And that is a scary thing. to do. To be seeking out a relationship. because you feel alone. One of the. greatest gifts I gave myself was. learning how to go take myself out on a. date. Go to dinner, go to lunch, go to a. movie alone, and learn to enjoy my own.

company. It was so hard to do because I. didn't enjoy my company for so long. I. had too many negative conversations with. myself. And I had to learn how to love. myself in a conscious way and a healthy. way. So that I could be happy alone first. Yes. And then not abandon myself in. relationship. And it's like when the. point when I was like, "God, I don't. want to be in a relationship." That's. when Martha showed up. I was like, "You. know, I'm good. I'm like so happy alone.

I love my life. I've got my business. I. got my friends. I am good." That's when. she came in. I was like, "Damn it. I. don't want to be around you right now.". But it's But I can do it because I can I. have low attachment from the beginning. And I don't need this to make me happy. Yes. I think a lot of people get into. relationships because they need that to. make them feel complete, happy. And I think that's also a foundation of. struggle when we come from that space. Yeah. The reason why what you said is so. important is that that doesn't stop when.

you move in with someone. So I think we feel that. And And I think. this is a pressure that's created in. relationships, especially in the early. days, where people expect to spend all. their time together. And if you're. spending all your time together, then. where is the time to grow independently. so that you can improve each other's. lives? And so if every night you go home. and you put a show on together and you. watch it, and that's your way of. spending time together, you're not. investing in or growing the.

relationship. And then 3 months down the. line, you're wondering, "Why don't we. feel any chemistry or any spark or any. compatibility?" Because you both haven't. grown independently, so you haven't been. able to grow together. And so that's not. something that stops that going on a. date on your own or treating yourself. That never stops and it shouldn't stop. And I think one of the biggest. challenges is is that people say, "Oh, well, if you don't want to spend time. with me if we're together, then that. means there's something wrong.". Uh-huh. And so there's this insecurity that if. you don't want to spend every moment.

with me, then you don't think I'm good. enough. Or if you don't text me every. single moment when we're not apart when. we're apart, that means that you don't love me. Bringing me back flashbacks now. Yeah, and it's and it's like and when you live. in that, it's like, "Well, wait a. minute, you've missed the point that if. they're always with you, then they can't. bring anything to you.". Yeah. I've heard a couple of different. people talk about this concept. I think. Esther Perel was one of them and then. Rob Bell. talks about the space in between the. time you're together is where you the. love deepens.

Mhm. It's like you can deepen it when. you have space apart from each other. and you can miss each other. You can. think about the conversation you had. You can think about the activities, the. games you were playing, the intimacy, those conversations, those moments. It's the space in between that creates. more harmony. I think Yo-Yo Ma talks. about like harmony is in between the. notes. Mhm. Right? It's like there's It's the same. thing with connection and love. You know, if I spent every moment with. you, I might be like, "Uh, I need some.

more time apart." But it's because I. only see you once every couple weeks or. once a month, I get it so excited about. that time together, right? Not that I. wouldn't want to see you every day, but. you know what I mean? It's like having. time to to be an independent human being. doing your activities, doing the things. you love, will I think support you in staying. together longer. Yeah. And the couples that you know and. that I know that have been together for. 20, 30, 40 years, at least a lot of them I feel like have. that one day a week where they're with.

their friends. Have that time where they. go on a trip alone or with other other. people in their life. They learn other activities. They go to. workshops together, but also alone. Yeah. on things that they can add value. to the relationship and to themselves. Feel independent, but also be committed. Yeah. And I think that is a huge thing. to set yourself up to be a healthy, conscious, thriving relationship. long-term. Yeah. If you choose to be with one. person. If you choose to be with one.

person, there's a couple of things you have to. think about. The first is what do you. actually enjoy to do together? So, Radhi. and I discovered that going out to. dinner was okay. Watching a movie. together was okay, but what we really. loved was experiences. What we really. loved was doing activities together. What we really loved was going to. workshops together. So, whether it was a. cooking class, or whether it was. pottery, or whether it was uh tracking. with gorillas that we just did right. now, or whether it was going on a hike. together. Like, it was doing something.

active together. And you know, even in. our relationship as as friends, like we. were talking about this. Like, when we. set our values to this. yeah, all of that. fun, fitness, and. friendship. And we've decided that we. want to make sure that we are going out. for dinner, but we also want to play. some sports. We've been playing. pickleball together, or our version of. pickleball that we invented. Uh We're going on hikes. We're doing. different things, activities together. Yeah, and like that's what we've. realized we like to do. And I think. that's a really important thing that if. you want to be with someone long-term, you have to figure out what you want to. do together. And then, going even a step.

further, if you're really going to be. with someone long-term, your. relationship has to have a purpose. beyond each other. Yeah. The goal of. your relationship can't be how do we. stay together? Like, the goal of the relationship is. how do we serve together? How do we give. together? How do we help our community. together? Like, couples who have that. ability to expand their radius of care. and compassion, that's what ultimately. goes to that stage. Couples that stay together serve.

together. I think that's a great thing. You know, I think in the fitness. community they're like families that. work out together stay together type of. thing, but I think couples that stay. together are the ones that are serving. together. And I know you talk about this. and I know this is going to be in your. next book as well. This kind of concept. of the different levels of relationship. of okay, you're in the beginning to know. dating stage, then you're in the. commitment stage, then you're in. marriage stage and then it's like what. is the next stage? It's. being in service. It's figuring out ways.

to serve your family, your friends, your. community in the ways that make sense. for you. That's what going to keep people. together long-term. And I think when we. stop serving the relationship and we. stop serving others around the. relationship, it's probably going to have more. challenges. Yeah. Yeah. You know, maybe you can make it last and. maybe you have some good times, but I. feel like you're going to have more. challenges to overcome, which is going to make you say. one person's not for me. Like this this. relationship's not working. I need a.

different relationship. Yeah. And maybe that's true. Maybe that. relationship wasn't supposed to last, but I think it's. and I I'm so excited for your next book. because I've been getting the behind the. scenes from you on it, but I feel like. you're going to give people this. foundation of. how to set yourself up at the different. stages of a committed relationship. And. and I don't think there's anything wrong. with being single and dating. all. Yeah. Dating lots of people. I know a guy. right now, he's single and he's going on. dates every week with different people, taking people out to dinner and having.

beautiful interesting conversations. And. what Matthew Hussey says, our friend, is. kind of like eliminating people that. aren't the one for them right now. Yeah. It's like I got to go meet a bunch of. people, have experiences to see who I, you know, don't want to be with as well. And I think there's a season for that. And I think when we get into. relationship, we just need to be. conscious of why am I getting this. relationship? You know, am I dependent on this to make. me happy? If so, I just think that's. going to be a recipe for failure. But, being conscious about entering a.

relationship and conscious about growing. a relationship. There's so much you learn when you're. single, and there's so much you learn. when you're in a relationship. Yeah. And that's actually the question. Do I want How do I want to learn right. now? Like, how do I want to learn right now? Do I want to learn by meeting lots of. people and learning in that way and. dealing with what comes with that? Or do. I want to learn in this way? And I think. everything in life is a simply a. learning experience. And in this season. of my life Yeah. the one of the biggest values for me is.

peace. Yeah. Inner peace, right? And you. can't have peace if you're And I for. years, I would interview on camera and. off camera. older men who were successful in. business or in their careers or who had. kind of reached the top of their their. industry, and I would ask them questions. like. about being single or about having, you. know, being married, about being with. one person, or do they have open. relationships? Just curious. And there was not one man who was like. 50, 60, 70 years old who was peaceful.

and fulfilled. with multiple women. at the same time or kind of trying to. manage that, you know, that energy. The ones that had peace, which again is. a value of mine, is having peace cuz I. feel like peace helps us create mental. clarity, which I. think is important for you as well, which helps us have more energy towards. our mission. Yeah. And uh I haven't met. one 60, 70-year-old man who was like, "I. had five girlfriends the whole time and.

I was peaceful." Mhm. And so, I just. again, again, what's your value? What do. you want? If you want adventure and fun. and. you can't have all that and peace. There's going to be some letting go. So, Yeah. I really like, and this has been. my biggest takeaway from today is that. you brought it back to values. If your value is experimentation. Mhm. and freedom. freedom freedom from commitment then. that's a beautiful life and I'm not and. again, I'm not saying you should do. either or. I do you know, it's it's all.

based on your values. Absolutely. And you just said your value is peace. My my value is purpose. I want to be. committed to my purpose. And I had a really open and honest. conversation with a friend recently. He. asked me a question. He said, Jay, like, you know, how do you deal with uh. temptation and desire you know, everything else. And we had a really honest vulnerable. conversation man to man and I said to. him that for me one of my biggest values. in life. is history and loyalty. Mhm. I like.

long-term friendships because then you. can look back and look at how far you've. come. That's cool. And you can't do that from. short-term desire. Yeah. I like loyalty. I love the idea of like. you've been loyal to a friend, a person, a partner and you can look back at how. what you've been through. That's cool. And so when I look at my. life, I love that me and you have. memories from being in New York. together, being in LA together, doing a. project together. And in my romantic relationship, it's.

the same thing. It's like I've been with. this woman when I had nothing, when I. was broke. Pretty cool. When I was at the like and I and I value. that, right? And someone may say, Jay, that's a little soft. Like I don't value. that at all. And that's cool. Like I. respect that. You may say you don't. value history, you value a one-night. stand. And that's great. Like there's. nothing wrong with that, but I think. you've got to know what you value and I. love that you value peace and I love. that you equate a committed relationship. to peace. And some Yeah. And some people might say, well, every.

relationship I've been in is stressful, so I'm going to value being single and. having surface conversations or surface. interactions of intimacy that aren't. scary to go deeper, right? Where there. could be heartbreak or pain, or. frustration, or whatever it is. And that's your season, you know, that's. your way you value. But I do I. definitely value intimacy, connection. There's nothing worse than accomplishing. like your greatest goals, and then being in a hotel room by. yourself, and being like, Yeah.

I mean, you know, who am I going to. call? Who am I going to call to. celebrate this with? There's no one like. with you in the journey, and you with. them. Exactly. It's really cool to be there for each. other. And something I value with, you know, Martha being inspired by what she's. creating, and she's inspired by what I'm. creating, the mutual respect and. inspiration. And I know you and Radha. are the same way, so. Powerful conversation. is great. Awkward therapy part two. If you guys enjoyed this, leave a yes in the comments below.

Make sure you subscribe to. Jay Shetty's podcast on Apple, Spotify, on YouTube, subscribe on YouTube, all of. our social media. And. let us know which part of this you. enjoyed the most, and leave a comment of. what you'd like us to talk about on the. next episode of this awkward therapy. conversation. Also, the call to action is to find. someone to have the same conversation. with. Ask them this question. Can you be. with one person for the rest of your. life? Send them this audio or this.

video, and have them watch or listen to. this, and then have the discussion with. them shortly after. And let us know your. thoughts, we'd love to hear your. thoughts on this. Thank you so much for. watching, everyone. I want to make sure. that you. think about what is your value right now. in relationships. Like think about it, whether you're. single, whether you're in a. relationship, whether you've been. married, whether you've just broken up, what is the current value in your life. that you're looking for, and what. does that require? Does that require you.

to be single? Does that require you to. be in relationship? And what type of. relationship? Leave your value in the. comments below, let us know what your. values are. Let us know topics that you. want us to dive into deeper. Maybe there. was something that we didn't quite get. into and you're like, "Please, please, please talk a bit more about that." We. will do that. I want to make sure that. you follow the School of Greatness and. Lewis Howes across social media, YouTube, Apple podcast, Spotify podcast. Make sure you subscribe to know that you. don't miss out on one of these episodes. that we're doing together. We're so. grateful to have you. Make sure that you.

go and find someone to share this. conversation with and have your awkward. conversation of your own. Like we want. you to get awkward. So, thank you for. listening and watching us today and. we'll see you on the next one. If you. want even more videos just like this. one, make sure you subscribe and click. on the boxes over here. I'm also excited. to let you know that you can now get my. book Think Like a Monk from. thinklikeamonkbook.com. Check below in the description to make. sure you order today.