Stop Talking About Your Partner and Start Talking to Them | Jay Shetty

We're taught so many things early in our. life that we never use again. Think about the subjects you learned at. school. What percentage of the subjects. you studied at school do you practically. use today? I'm guessing that percentage is quite. low. But the skills I'm about to share with. you today, if we had learned them that. early, they would have benefited us forever. It's incredible to me that no one's. sharing these insights. That often, we.

don't hear them as the best pieces of. advice. This isn't what we're being. told. It's something that you have to. read in between the lines to actually. extract and implement in your life. The. number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the. only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, thank you so much for. tuning in today about the seven lessons. I wish I'd learned sooner. Truly, these.

are seven lessons I wish I learned in my. 20s, even in my teens, and I think they. would have changed my life. They would. have changed the quality of my. relationships. They would have changed. my performance at work. They would have. changed how quickly I found my purpose. Now, if any of you out there are. struggling with making an impact, if. you're struggling with your mind, if. you're struggling with anxiety or. stress, this episode is for you. But.

before we dive in, I want to ask you a. simple, simple request. It would mean the world to me if you. would subscribe to this channel. Every. single week for years, I've been. creating content to serve you, to help. you, to support you, and I know that. you're the type of person that would. love to be a part of this community. When you click subscribe, you're not. just subscribing to a channel. You're. actually committing to a journey of. growth, transformation, and service. And.

you're allowing me and my team to. continue to do this work, which we can't. wait to keep giving. So, thank you so much. Click that. subscribe button. So, let's dive straight in. The reason why the lessons I'm about to. share with you today are so powerful and. so important is that they're often. missed. We're taught so many things early in our. life that we never use again. Think about the subjects you learned at. school. What percentage of the subjects.

you studied at school do you practically. use today? I'm guessing that percentage is quite. low. But, the skills I'm about to share with. you today, if we had learned them that. early, they would have benefited us forever. It's incredible to me that no one's. sharing these insights. That often, we. don't hear them as the best pieces of. advice. This isn't what we're being told. It's. something that you have to read in.

between the lines to actually extract. and implement in your life. I hope you. have your notepad out. If you don't, don't worry. We'll be summarizing this. as we go along, and you'll be able to. come back at any point to grab the. insight that you missed. Feel free to. pause, play, rewind, fast forward as you. will, because I want to make sure that. this message lands. The first lesson I wish I'd learned.

sooner. is the less you say, the more your words. will matter. I always used to think that the loudest. person in a room had the most power. That the person who talked the most had. the most control. Until I realized the person who spoke. the most was the least in control. They were trying to come across as. likable. They were trying to be popular.

And in that attempt, they were actually. making it harder for them to be. memorable. It was hard to be interesting. for a 30-minute conversation and talk. for 20 minutes of it. It was really. difficult to be memorable when you said. so many things, but no one remembered. what you exactly said. It felt really uncomfortable to be. quiet, but every time you kept trying to. interject and say something, you felt.

even less confident because you didn't. have anything meaningful to say. This principle, this lesson will change. your life. The first thing it will do is. it will stop you from being anxious in. social settings. The number of us that. walk into a social setting and try to. come off as interesting and important. only to leave feeling insignificant and. irrelevant to the conversation. If you realize that being silent is not.

a weakness, being silent is a strength. Why? Because you can listen. It means when you respond, people will. also be able to tell that you took in. what they say. See, most of us are struggling not. because we don't listen, but because. we're thinking about what we want to say. while we're listening. Because of that, we don't even digest. what someone is sharing. So, when we. open our mouth, that person feels.

disconnected and distant. So, firstly, it will remove that anxiety. and nervousness when you're at a party, a social setting, a work event, whatever. it may be. The second thing is you get the. opportunity. to be interested, which is even more. important than being interesting. People love to share and answer great. questions. When you get good at asking.

good questions, people feel good. They. react in a good way. They appreciate it. Now, most of us, when we ask questions, we ask things like, "How was your day?". That person has been asked that for so. many years in their life that they have. a rehearsed regurgitated answer. Something like good, fine, okay, blah, right? Now, you may be a little more. bold.

and talk about the weather. That's. boring, too. That person has been asked. about the weather for years. Now, you may have heard let's ask. someone what's exciting for them. That can sometimes feel quite. challenging for that person. Here's what I'm going to share with you. If you're going to ask something, share. your thoughts on it first. Say, "I've. been watching this really cool TV show. What's your thoughts on it? Have you. seen it?" They go, "No, I haven't seen. it." And they say, "Tell me about it.". Now, you've actually been asked to.

share. A lot of us say so much when. we're not asked. Unsolicited advice and. unsolicited conversation is potentially. the hardest to hold someone's attention. with. When someone asks you a question and you. respond, that keeps their attention. When you talk without letting someone. else get involved, we actually lose. their attention. The less you say, the more your words will matter.

The less you complain, the more people will listen. The less you react, the more control you. hold. The less you argue, the more dignity you keep. The less you chase, the more you. attract. The less you speak from emotion, the more weight your words carry. The less you overcompensate,

the more people understand you. Less noise, more impact. Less chatter, more respect. Less explaining, more commanding. Speak less and mean more. When you walk into a room and you just. start complaining about your day, complaining about your journey, complaining about the travel, complaining about your weekend, what. does that do? It puts everyone into a.

negative space, a negative environment. They now connect you and associate you. with negative emotions. Even if they. say, "I agree. I'm sorry you went. through that. I'm sorry to hear it." You. have now created a contagious space for. negativity. Save that complaining for a. friend you can vent to. Save that complaining. for someone who shares the same with.

you. When you're walking into the workplace, when you're walking into a family event, walk in and share something amazing that. happened to you, something that you're. grateful for. Ask someone else what was. the most memorable part of their week, something beautiful that happened to. them. All of a sudden, you're going to. kick-start a chain reaction of positive. events. In today's world of endless. chatter, it's easy to believe more words. mean more connection.

But studies show the opposite. According. to a 2014 Harvard study, people remember. only 17% to 25%. of what they hear in conversations. Flood someone with words and your. meaning gets lost like a drop in an. ocean. Wiser communicators know brevity creates. impact. In Zen teachings, a story tells of a.

student who asked his master for the. secret of wisdom. A student went up to his teacher and. asked, "What is the secret of wisdom?". The teacher simply replied, "Listen.". The student asked again, "What is the secret of wisdom?". The teacher replied, "Listen.". Frustrated, the student demanded more.

explanation, to which the teacher. replied, "If you listened, you wouldn't need more. words." This is one of my favorite. stories because it shows us that rather. than thinking about what we're going to. say, what we're thinking, evaluating, if we simply listened, paused, and responded, we'd actually have something meaningful. to say. The reason you don't have.

something meaningful to say. is because you haven't listened. We. don't listen because we're scared of the. gap between listening and responding. But actually, if you listen and you take. that time, what you say will have more. value, more impact, and it's more likely. to be remembered. So, here's a habit, a. practical habit I want to share with. you. Before your next conversation, ask.

yourself, "What is the essential message. I want them to remember? Say it clearly. in one or two sentences. So, when you. walk into a conversation, make it really. clear to yourself what is it I want to. communicate. What is the essence of what. I actually want to share? What do I want. to embody? And let your silence add weight to your. words. The second lesson I wish I'd. learned sooner is let go or be dragged.

Think about this. When you don't let go of something. it doesn't stop. It doesn't pause. If you don't let go of a person, they. don't stop changing. If you don't let go of a person. they don't stop living. If you don't let go of a person. they don't stop doing whatever it is. they're doing. Sometimes the only way to. strengthen your own relationship with.

yourself. is to disconnect and let go of someone. else. Think about all the times in your. life where you were so attracted to. someone, you just kept pursuing them. What happened? You didn't let go. and you felt dragged along. What about when there was someone that. you were dating and maybe they gave you. all the signs. You saw all the red flags. that this person wasn't right for you. But what did you do? You didn't let go.

and so you were dragged. And what about. that friend who kept manipulating you? Kept taking advantage of you. Took you. for granted. And you didn't let go. So, you got dragged. It's much better when we voluntarily. early on let go. rather than get dragged throughout our. life along with this person wherever. they're going in whichever direction.

Let go or be dragged. Let go. or be left behind. Let go or be broken. by what you're clinging to. Let go or be crushed under the weight of. what's gone. Let go or lose yourself. trying to hold. what's already slipping away. Let go or. stay trapped in a life that no longer. fits you.

Clutching what hurts you doesn't save. you. It sinks you. Clinging to what's over. doesn't preserve it. It poisons you. Holding on too long turns love into. resentment, hope into suffering, memories into anchors. What you won't. release will eventually release you, maybe even brutally. What you won't walk away from.

will drag you until you can't walk at. all. You don't lose by letting go. You lose by refusing to let go. See, the thing is attachment often feels. like love, but unchecked attachment is more like a. chain. There's even science to back this up. Neuroscience shows that our brains. literally rewire around emotional pain.

Holding on to resentment, disappointment, or hope for change can. activate the same brain regions as. physical pain. There's another Zen story that I love. Two monks are walking on a beach. They come across a woman who's actually. drowning in the ocean. One monk jumps into the ocean, swims. out, picks her up, and brings her back.

to shore. They make sure she's okay, and walk on. forward. A few hours later, the other. monk asks the monk who jumped into the. ocean, "My brother, we're monks. We're. not supposed to touch women, let alone. carry them. How could you do that?" The other monk. replied, "I carried her to safety. I set her down a few hours ago.

Why are you still carrying her?" This. story beautifully illustrates the idea. that the longer you carry something, the. more it weighs you down. The more it affects you. And so many of. us look at letting go like failure. We. look at letting go like we made some. mistake. We look at letting go like. we're ruining something. But actually. letting go can be the best path forward. So here's a really practical step I want.

to take. Write down one grudge, one. disappointment, or fantasy you're. clinging to. And then ask yourself this, "What would. happen if I set it down today?" Imagine. walking lighter for just 1 hour, and act from that place. Do the thought. experiment. You don't even have to do it. in reality. Just think about it for a. moment. If you let it down, if you.

started applying for new jobs today, rather than complaining about your. current one. If you started to find new. connections and friends, instead of comparing your life to your. old ones. If you started to allow. yourself to let go. of the expectations you have of others, who would you be? I promise you, the. answer. is far better than you even imagine. And if you're scared to do it in.

practice, practice it first in your mind. The. third lesson I wish I'd learned sooner. was talk about your relationship with. the person you're in a relationship with. more than you talk to others. I speak to. so many people. Now, I know you've done. this before and so have I. We all talk about our relationships with. other people. I'm not just talking about. romantic relationships, even our. friendships. You have a friend over.

here, you complain about them to this. friend over here. You have your partner. over here, you compare them to someone. else's partner over there. You have an. issue with someone over here, you talk. about the issue with someone else who's. not connected to the issue. Now, I'm not saying don't have friends. I'm not saying don't talk to your. family. It's great to get advice from a. therapist or a coach or even people in. your life. It's about the proportion. 80% of our life should be talking to.

that person and 20% is talking to others. to get wise counsel, to get advice, to. get insights. It's a really healthy. thing. The problem is our proportions are the. opposite. We may spend 20% speaking to. the person we have a relationship and. that 20% might be filled with arguments, conflict, tension. And then we go and. talk about it with someone else who. doesn't have the power to solve it. This. will change your life. If you started to.

spend more time talking with the person. rather than talking at them. If you. could spend more time talking with your. partner. than talking about your partner, your. relationship will change. If you could spend more time talking to. your partner. than talking about your partner, your relationship will change. If you could spend more time. investing in connecting with your.

partner. than connecting with other people. talking about your partner, your. relationship will change. Talk about. your relationship with the person you're. in a relationship with, not other. people. Talk about your problems with the person. you have the problem with, not just other people. Talk about your needs with your partner, not your friends.

Talk about your doubts about your. relationship with your partner, not in group chats. Talk about your pain with the person you. have the pain with, not with outsiders who can't fix it. Nobody else knows your relationship like. the two of you do. Nobody else lives it and fights for it. like you do. Advice is easy, judgments are cheap, but.

real change only happens between the two. people who are actually in it. When you vent to others instead of. speaking to your partner, you build. walls instead of bridges. When you gossip about your relationship, you invite people into problems they. don't belong to. When you keep taking. your issues everywhere apart from the. person, you multiply the problem instead of.

solving it. Connection doesn't grow from side. conversations. Trust doesn't grow from. silence and resentment. Talk to them, not about them. Now look, I get it. Venting can feel. good in the short term. Brain imaging shows that expressing. anger activates the brain's reward. system. But chronically venting to friends. instead of addressing issues directly.

creates emotional triangulation, a pattern that often worsens problems. instead of solving them. There's a Zen story that I love where a. man went to many neighbors to complain. about his leaky roof. Each of them gave advice. Meanwhile, the leak worsened. Finally, one wise neighbor said, "Talk to your roof.". In other words, take action where it.

matters. It's great to get advice. It's important. to have a support system, but don't. forget the number one system is solving. it with the person. So here's today's practical habit. If. something bothers you about your. relationship today, resist the urge to. text some random person. Instead, set a time to talk to your. partner. Share something you appreciate about. them. Share where you want the. relationship to go. And then share with kindness, concern,

and directness. how you want things to change. And most. importantly, what you're willing to. change. That will change your relationship. Lesson four I wish I'd learned sooner. was you understand who someone is when. they're stressed, not just when they're at their best. How. many times have you met someone? And you. meet them at their best day. You meet. them at their party. You meet them at. their event. You meet them when they.

just got promoted, you meet them when. everything's okay, and you literally. think this person's amazing. I love. them. Right? Now, that's not a bad. thing. We all have good and bad days, and I'm not saying to judge people on. their bad days instead of their best. days. What I'm saying is you don't. really know who someone is until you've. seen them on a bad day. You don't really know who someone is. until you've seen them in a bad mood.

You don't really know who someone is. until someone's done something bad to. them. It's in those moments that you realize. who someone truly is, 360°. So, rather than making just snap. judgments on when you meet someone in a. great mood at a great time, give yourself time to get to know them. Give yourself time to see them in. different scenarios. It's also not just. about good and bad. It's about seeing.

who someone is when they're with their. family. It's about seeing who someone is when. they're with their friends. It's about. who seeing someone is with strangers. It's about how someone treats the. waiter. It's about how someone treats the. doorman. It's about how someone treats the person. that they meet on the street. When. you've seen someone in all these. scenarios, you will have a healthier, deeper, more wholesome understanding of. who they truly are.

Don't meet someone in one environment. and give it this amplified view that you. assume that they're that person in every. environment. Don't meet someone in one. phase or stage of their life and assume. they're going to be that in every other. stage. See, the mind likes to make it. easier. We like to think, "Oh, I know. this person. I understand them.". Well, here's the truth. You understand. who someone is. when they're stressed, not when they're. at their best.

You truly understand who someone is. when they're overwhelmed. You truly understand who someone is when. things don't go their way. You truly understand who someone is. when they hear no. You truly understand who someone is when. they lose control, not when they have it. Anyone can be kind when they're. comfortable. Anyone can be patient when they're. winning.

Anyone can be loving when everything is. easy. But real character shows up when. patience runs thin. Real loyalty shows up. when you're not popular. Real respect shows up. when there's nothing to gain. Watch who blames, watch who lashes out, watch who punishes, and watch who stays gentle. Pressure doesn't create cracks, it exposes where they already were. Pay.

attention to who someone becomes. when the easy parts fall away. That's who they are as well. That's who you're dealing with. That's the truth you can't ignore. I think this is a really hard truth, and. we like to think, "No, no, no, no, no, I. know them and they're everything." Of. course they're everything. But pressure shows us a person.

Character isn't revealed when life is. easy. It's tested and exposed under pressure. Research from the University of Oregon. found that people's true traits emerge. under stress much more consistently than. in calm conditions. Think about it. Anyone can be kind when. things are going well for them. One of my favorite examples of all time. is from Wayne Dyer. He says when you squeeze an orange, what.

do you get? You get orange juice. You. don't get pineapple juice. You don't get. coconut water. You get orange juice. Because when something is squeezed, you. get what's within it. You get what's. inside. Some cracks reveal beauty. Others reveal weakness. Now, the goal. isn't to walk away from someone because. they struggle with stress. The goal. isn't to abandon someone who struggles. with challenges or feels overwhelmed. My.

point is, you just don't really know. someone yet. So, here's today's. challenge and habit, an experiment that. I want you to practice. Notice how someone reacts to a small. inconvenience, a traffic jam, a late order, a mistake. Are they gentle or harsh with themselves. or with you? Are they patient or punishing. with themselves and with you? Take note without judgment, but get.

clarity as to what you're getting. involved in. Lesson number five that I. wish I'd learned sooner. is you don't get what you deserve, you get what you accept. We hear this. all the time. I think I deserve more. I deserve more. money. I deserve more love. I deserve. more respect. And we walk around. sometimes internally feeling we're not. getting what we deserve. And guess what? You're right. You're not getting what.

you deserve. You're getting what you. accept. No one's going to notice when. you work harder at work. if you don't make it clear. No one's going to notice when you're. putting effort into a relationship. unless you make it clear. No one's going to know or remember the. sacrifices you've made. until you stand up for yourself. Remember, you don't get what you deserve.

You get what you accept. You don't get what you deserve, you get what you protect. You don't get what you deserve, you get what you settle for. You don't get what you deserve, you get what you fight for. Deserve is a feeling. Acceptance. is a standard. Boundaries are protection. You can work hard and still be.

overlooked. You can love deeply. and still be mistreated. You can give everything. and still be taken for granted. If you don't stand for yourself, no one else will. If you don't protect your peace, no one else will. If you don't guard your value, it will be discounted. Respect is not given freely. It's enforced by your standards.

Love isn't enough. It's shaped by what you allow. Worth isn't rewarded. It's protected every single day. You don't rise by hoping. You rise by refusing to shrink. I know it's a painful realization, but. it's true. A 2021 study by the American. Psychological Association found that. individuals who consistently tolerated.

small boundary violations were 62% more. likely to end up in emotionally. exhausting relationships. 62%. Think about that, right? When we're. accepting people breaking our. boundaries, people not respecting our. worth, we're just taking in whatever it is. You're not going to get what you. deserve. At work, at home, wherever. It. doesn't work that way. One of my.

favorite stories about this. is a story about a farmer. who accepts that a storm will come. He. doesn't pray it away or deny it. He just builds stronger walls. In a similar way, accepting less than. you need teaches others you will bend. until you break. Here's the habit I want to set for you. today. Think of one boundary you've been. hesitant to enforce.

It could be late replies, canceled. plans, jokes at your expense. Today, calmly but clearly state your. boundary once. First yourself, and then when you're comfortable with. someone else. Maybe you keep allowing. people to cancel plans last minute. Maybe you keep allowing people to. get away with saying things about you. Now, here's the thing. The reason why we. fail at this is we usually attack.

people. We don't set a boundary. We attack people. We say, "Why do you. treat me like this?" Don't do that. That's not a boundary. A boundary is. something you keep as a promise to. yourself. If someone does this again, I will not invite them again. If someone talks to me that way again, I will not respond to them. A boundary doesn't mean someone else. acts differently. A boundary means you act differently.

when that person acts the same. You can't change how someone's going to. treat you. So, you have to set a. boundary with yourself for how you'll. respond when they treat you that way. If. someone's mean to you once more, how are you going to set a boundary for. yourself? That's what I want you to focus on. Lesson number six I wish I'd learned. sooner. is some people love the old version of. you. because they could control them.

This is a really harsh truth. How many. times have you ever had someone who's. like, "I miss the old you. You You. always had time.". What they're saying is you always had. time for me. How many times have you had someone say. to you, "Oh my gosh, I I loved who you. were in like 2022. Like, you were so. much fun.". What are they saying? You were so much fun for me. Someone says, "Oh my gosh, remember back. in the day when you'd just come over and. we'd just cook together and we'd figure.

it out.". What they're saying is that was. convenient for me. Some people love the old version of you. because they could control them. Some. people love the old version of you. because they don't want to grow. Some people love the old version of you. because it made them feel bigger. Some people love the old version of you. because it kept them comfortable. Some people love the old version of you. because it made their lives easier,

not better. They don't miss you. They miss the version of you who stayed. small. They don't miss you. They miss the version of you who didn't. set boundaries. They don't miss you. They miss the. version of you who needed their. approval. When you outgrow the old version of. yourself, you outgrow the people who needed you to. stay there. When you heal, you disrupt the systems.

that benefited from your wounds. When you rise, you reveal who is rooting. for your survival, not your success. Don't shrink to fit into old spaces. Don't bend to make old relationships. easier. Don't apologize for becoming someone. new. If they can only love the unhealed, unsure, controlled version of you,

they don't love you. They love your compliance. This is. probably the hardest one to learn. because. we feel bad. We wish we could still be that person, but we know we're not. We're more. organized. We're more focused. We have. more commitments. We have more. priorities. And that person wants us to. be available, around, just be there all. the time. See, science backs this up. Growth threatens those who benefited. from your smallness. A 2022 survey.

showed 58% of people admit they felt. uncomfortable when a close friend or. partner leveled up in their life. It's not always malice. It's not like. they want you to fail. It's not. negative. It's fear. We're scared because it reminds us of. our lack of growth. And so what I'm. saying to you is you don't have to. shrink back into that version to. compensate. Actually, what's more likely is if you. keep growing, they may one day, too.

Not if you're trying to convince them, not if you're trying to make them grow, just by watching you fly, they may one day choose to fly as well. So, here's my habit for you today. Write. down one way you've changed for the. better in the last 12 months. Celebrate it privately or share it. proudly without apologizing. Lesson. number seven I wish I'd learned sooner. is I'm just bad at texting. is code for you're not a priority.

I used to always want to convince. people, even if they didn't message. back, even if they didn't respond, I. always wanted to stay connected. Only to. realize they didn't really want to. connect with me. And while I was trying to do that, I was. missing out on the group of people here. who really did. I was ignoring a group. of people who wanted to connect, believed in me, supported me for a group. of people who showed no signs of it. I. promise you there is more love in your. life than you even recognize because.

you're looking in the wrong direction. I. promise you there are more people who. want to be friends with you than you. realize. because you're trying to be friends with. someone else. I promise you there are so. many people. who would want to spend time with you, but you're missing out on them because. you're trying to chase someone else. Read the signs. You don't need to become a conspiracy. theorist. Most of the time, again, it's. not malice, it's not negative, people. just have different priorities.

Don't make it to be like some conspiracy. theory that you got left out, you got. let go, you didn't get invited. You just don't click. It just doesn't. work, and it's not a big deal. There are. people out there who want to click with. you, connect with you, invite you. Remember this. Read in between the. lines. I'm just bad at texting is code for. you're not a priority. I'm confused about what I want is code.

from sure I don't want you enough. I'm bad at communicating is code from. I'm not willing to put in the effort. with you. I don't know what I'm looking. for. is code for I'm keeping my options open. I'm just focusing on myself right now. is code for. I don't see a future with you. I'm not ready for anything serious. is code for I'm ready just not with you.

People make time for what they care. about. People make effort for who they value. People show up for who they want. Excuses are translations. Listen to what they're really saying. and protect your energy. Believe the patterns. not the promises. Actions are the only real language you. can trust. Consistent communication is a.

choice, not a personality trait. Research from the Pew Research Center. shows that 89% of people aged 18 to 49. check their phones multiple times an. hour. If someone wanted to reach out they. could. It's really important to remember that. So, here's the habit. If you're chasing. someone's attention pause. Notice who freely reaches out to you. today without prompting. and give your energy back in that.

direction. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I. hope this episode helps you learn these. lessons clear your mind and deepen your. relationships. Remember, I'm not saying. anyone who treats you this way is bad. negative or a horrible person. It's just. important to get really clear and not. have the conspiracy arch over our. mindsets. Make sure you subscribe and make sure. you don't miss out on another video or. another episode with On Purpose. If you.

love this episode you'll love my. interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on. understanding your trauma and how to. heal emotional wounds to start moving on. from the past. Everything in nature. grows only where it's vulnerable. So, a. tree doesn't grow where it's hard thick, does it? It goes where it's soft and. green and vulnerable.