Put Yourself First and STOP People Pleasing (The Key to Real Connection!)

I stopped people pleasing when I. realized the people that I was trying to. please. were not trying to reciprocate that. energy to me. I also realized that I was. putting myself second almost all the. time for other people with very little. reciprocation. I had to stop for my own. sanity and for my own self-respect. When. you compare your efforts to others and. you almost look and you can see they've. got boundaries that I don't have because. if I asked them to do what they're. asking me, they would say no. Why would. they say no? Is it because they're a.

horrible person? Is it because of this. or they're selfish? No, it's because of. their boundary. The number one health. and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay. Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. How does it feel when at 4 years old you. hear from a grandparent that they don't. love you? Oh, wow. That's how you start the book. Yeah, um okay, so that was the first. time I ever felt the impact of words.

physically. I didn't know that words can hurt you. I. didn't even know there was a thing as. internal pain. I was only four and I was. used to getting a little slap behind the. back of the leg if I did something. naughty, but. to be told, especially when my entire. reality was based on love. I had a. really great home growing up. So, to to. be told that was really difficult to. comprehend, but the physical pain of my. chest, my heart, it literally felt like.

somebody was trying to split it and I. would never forget that pain because it. was the first time. I've ever felt it and when I explained. to my mother what happened and I. described the pain, it's almost like she knew, okay, my. family's gotten to her now. It was a. good 4 years, but she didn't ever want. me to experience that and I did. And. if I'm being honest with you, it really. took away a lot of my innocence as well.

I was robbed of innocence during that. time. I don't think children should know. what it's like to be hurt or spoken to. badly or have to cry themselves at night. time or sitting on the sofa waiting for. their parents to come home and, you. know, feeling sad. It's not an emotion. that a child should have to feel. I felt. it and um it's a lasting memory that I. would always remember. Why did he say. it? Did you ever ask him or did you ever. find out? was a interesting man. He actually. passed away 4 days before my book came.

out. Wow. Yeah, and it's been intense uh because I. was caring for him as well. I have a. quest that was given to me by my mother. which I mentioned in the book. My. grandfather, he lived a very. selfish life in a sense where. he didn't care. how he. hurt people, what his words did. He. didn't care. He was a happy-go-lucky. rum drinker, you know. As a man, he did.

what he had to do for his family. He. provided, but as a person, he wasn't. that great. Um he had great friends, you. know, in the family in the West Indies. Everyone would think he was this great. guy, but actually to live with him, he. was a bit of a monster. The reason why. I'm being careful with my words is. because my grandfather and I went on a. journey in the last 2 years of me caring. for him and I forgave him and he. explained to me the reasonings behind. his treatment towards his children. And. it was simply put, what he experienced.

is what he provided. So, there's a level. of generational ignorance that was. passed down from my grandfather and the. ricochet of that is why I'm sitting. right here with this book in your hand. There wasn't that much emotional. intelligence um. with my grandparents. You know, they. would do something to you, they wouldn't. apologize. And that was kind of. something the generation that they came. from were accustomed to doing. Apologizing to your children is not.

really something that you hear people. do. My mother apologized to me many. times. She said to me one time, you. know, anything that I experienced in my. house growing up, I will not bring here. So, my grandfather was just a character. that I knew was always miserable, always. angry, drinking, loved to watch cricket, and that was basically it. He wasn't a. great person to be around if you were. looking for motivation or anything. positive. Wow, how did it feel. I didn't even think we're going to go. down this direction, but it's I have to.

ask like how did it feel to care for. someone who told you they didn't love. you that early in your life because that. process seems to be I know when I'm. speaking to a lot of my community or I'm. reading comments or I read DMs and I. really listen in on what my community. cares about so I can serve them better. And a lot of people find themselves in. that position where someone who's caused. them pain is the person that they're now. caring for. Yeah. Or they're supporting or they're in the.

same house for years and the question is. always Jay, how do I survive around. someone like that, let alone care for. them. So, how did you even reconcile it. in the beginning of that two-year. journey because that feels like the. ultimate test of everything that you're. saying in the book. Well, this is going. to sound so strange, but in my spirit. this morning I knew you were going to. ask me something like that. And I saw. that you shared something on your. stories. Um, somebody asked you about. the relationship with their mother and. your reply was forgiveness and empathy. and that's it, Jay. That's literally it.

I my mother asked me to care for my. grandfather as she was passing away and. reluctantly I said yes because that was. my best friend and I knew that there was. a reason behind it and at the time I. didn't want to do it, but I just knew. for future Megan, this is an investment. that I actually have to go through and. devote myself to. And it was literally for that. My. mother's last lesson was for me to care. for my grandfather so I can understand. the power of forgiveness. I thought I understood forgiveness. But I didn't.

I didn't. Looking after my grandfather. meant that I had to create new. boundaries. I had to stand up for myself. in so many ways. There were so many. rumors um spread by other malicious. family members of mine that were untrue. that I had to like work my way around. whilst grieving for my mom. You know, my. grandfather. was left unattended for the years that I. was looking after my mother when she was. passing away from stage four cancer. We. actually went to the West Indies and.

when I got back, I assumed that my. mother's siblings were looking after. him, but they weren't. So when I got. back, I was faced with the. responsibility of looking after him, renovating his house, bringing him back. to a full bill of health, which I did. And during that entire process, there. was a level of trust that had to be. obtained. Even helping my grandfather. walk again, I had to literally help him. walk. And there were times where he. would just be like, "Pass me the Guinness. I haven't got time for this. I'll just.

sit here." You know, and then there were. other times where he was really. determined. And it was through these. experiences that I had no other choice. but to seek forgiveness because I was. spending a lot of time with him. And. then there were a lot of unanswered. questions, a lot of things that I needed. for my own journey, um a lot of things that I wanted to a. lot of chapters that I wanted to close. for my mother even though she passed. away just just for the principle of it. You know, so my grandfather and I did a. lot of talking. And when I became more. aware of his reasonings, um his.

justifications, which weren't great at. all, but transparently truthful, I then started to develop a level of. respect for him. It takes a lot of. bravery and courage at 90 years old to. admit where you've gone wrong in life. and actually apologize to somebody less. than half your age, especially if it's. not part of your culture, it's not part. something that you've you've been raised. to do. So, when my grandfather passed away, you.

know, I I went to view his body and I. sat there and I just thought to myself, it is well. It is well, the chapter is closed. I I. broke that curse, moving on. My children. don't have to hear about their great. grandfather with so much anger in my. voice. I can just say. I could talk about the last 2 years. I. don't have to talk about everything that. happened before because I've healed past. that. And the reason why we do heal, obviously for our own harmony, but so we.

don't pass on more pain. I didn't have to inherit my family's. pain and trauma, but I did. But it's my. duty and my job to ensure that I don't. pass it on. And I think that's what my. mother was trying to teach me behind the. importance of forgiveness. It's to put a. final stop to it so that you can move on. and live your life. But you have to. forgive cuz I had so much anger in my. heart for my grandfather. But then when. I saw him. and his. little efforts of determination to get.

walking again or I might go and see him. in the morning and he might make me some. peeler, you know, um or some curry goat. and peeler or whatnot. And I'd think, okay, there's something bubbling here. and I'm not going to be the person to. interrupt that. Let me just see where. this journey takes us. So, when he. passed away, I. I was happy for him. I was happy that he. was able to transition. I prayed for him. and I was able to walk away knowing that. I don't have to carry that burden. anymore. What what's so.

valuable with the insight you just. shared is that. you were able to place the virtue of. forgiveness. above how you felt about it. Because it meant something to your mom, because you believed that it had. something to do with a better future for. Megan. And I find that to be remarkable in a. time where I feel we've actually gone. the other way. So a lot of the time we're so fixated on. what makes me feel good now, what makes me comfortable now, what.

feels right for me now. And it's really interesting because I've. been thinking about this a lot lately. that this pursuit of virtues is actually. the only way you'll ever be happy. Because even if you did what you wanted. now and you disregarded everything else, later on you still haven't healed or. created and built forgiveness, and so. you're still living in that bitterness. and that pain even if the person passes. away and even if you were away from them.

for years and years and years. Yeah. But how do we reconcile that? Like. at what point is it self-disrespect. to aspire for a virtue while someone is. potentially creating havoc in your life? Like what how do you see that in terms. of setting boundaries in I'm going to. care for them because I see this virtue. being there, but then at the same time. I'm not just going to allow myself to be. abused or disrespected? Mhm. Growing up, I witnessed my mother.

do various things to contribute to her. healing, whether it was yoga, whether it. was going for walks, meditation, simply. spending time alone, also forgiving, enforcing her boundaries, which was. really difficult for her. She was the. first child of six siblings, so she. didn't really get to enforce her. boundaries, nor did her siblings care or. honor them. And I watched that growing. up and I think one of the most profound. experiences that I spoke about in the. book was when she bumped into her father.

when they were in Sainsbury's and they. reunited and they had their. conversations and she ended up looking. after him. And there was one day where. he was rude to her. and I remember coming home from college. and. she was cooking really fast. And um. I could just smell the curry from. downstairs and I was like, okay, it's. the middle of the week, Mommy usually. cooks on a Sunday, are we having guests? No. The guest was the anger that came.

from the experience she had of her. father. She enforced her boundary. and it was the first time she's done it. in years and she didn't know how to. respond. And I watched that and I. watched how it actually strengthened the. relationship with her father because he. started to respect it. And he I think he. also realized there's no one else left. So, if I'm going to have this. relationship, I'm going to have to. ensure that I stick to the rules to keep. it healthy. So, with me now with the. same man having to go through the same. experiences, my boundary enforcement.

came very quickly. There was one day. where I bought him a bottle of Guinness. You know, he did a lot of things that. day and we did a reward system where if. he did a 100 steps, you know, and and. this and that, we'll give him some. something. He loved Guinness, so I. bought him a bottle of Guinness and it. was warm. So, he kind of threw it at me. and he was like, put it in the freezer, it's warm. And I said, actually, what. I'm going to do is I'm going to go home. and I'm going to leave the bottle right. there and you can put it in the freezer. yourself. I'm not having that. That is.

absolutely rude. And I got up and I left. and he called me and he called me and he. called me and I picked up and I said, I'm I'm not coming back until you. apologize cuz that was really rude. And. when I got back, he made breakfast. You. know, he he cleaned downstairs. Like, everything that I usually get him to do. every day, he did it all in one day. And, you know, he apologized and sat. down and we had a conversation and I I. to him, moving forward, this is not. happening because I'm not going to care. for you and deplete my own energy at the.

same time. That's insane." I but I've. watched my mother do that. So, throughout this entire process, I just. learned that my no is my no, my yes is. my yes. If I don't like something, I. tell the person. I don't feel bad about. telling the person because what's the. what's the what's the other option? I. take the bad treatment while they're. none the wiser that it's hurting me. It. doesn't serve anybody. So, the boundary. enforcement, I think I gained a lot of. confidence over the span of 2 years. looking after my grandfather, enforcing. my boundaries, standing in my word, and.

not being scared. And that was one of. the most powerful things that I learned. So, it wasn't difficult. It was more if. I respect myself and love myself, I will. put these boundaries in place so that I. don't deplete myself every time I come. to visit this person. And if they. respect and love and honor me and even. are thankful for my devotion to caring. for them, they will ensure that the. environment is healthy and safe. And. that was literally the case. If it. wasn't, I would have just walked away, paid the NHS staff to look after him, and check in every now and then because.

I have to put myself first. And I. learned that with my mother's story as. well. Yeah, I hope that's really. refreshing for people to hear because I. feel like when we think of forgiveness, we think of it as like this. fully all-encompassing thing where. there's no boundaries. You just give in. And to hear that clarity. because I found that when we don't set. boundaries, what we don't realize we. keep enabling that person to behave that. way. Mhm. And we become enablers. We think. we're helping them, but actually we're.

hurting them. And the only one we're. helping is ourselves cuz we feel better. about ourselves for a second where we're. like, "Oh, I'm so tolerant, and I did. everything just perfectly for them." But. then what we don't realize is we're just. continuing that behavior. One thing I've discovered really hearing. from everything you're saying is that. there's three types of people in life. The first is someone who repeats the. pain they saw. The second is someone who does the. opposite of the pain they saw.

And the third is someone who heals from. that pain and gives people what they. never had. And creates a space for. people to have the life that they never. got the opportunity to have. And it. sounds like you chose that third option. Yeah. And anyone who chooses that third. option protects their future selves. Mhm. They've got boundaries that I don't. have. Because if I ask them to do what. they're asking me, they would say no. Why would they say no? An elder once. told me, "Everything your body give. everything your intuition or your gut.

gives to you, your subconscious, you. write it down. You acknowledge it. And. you say, 'I don't have the time to do. that right now, but I'm going to write. that down. Thank you.' Because imagine. if as your subconscious, I'm your. subconscious, I keep giving you these. great ideas and you keep ignoring me. Eventually, one day I'm going to stop. communicating with you. If your parent. is about to pass away because they're. dying from a disease, record content. because there are random days where I. just want to hear my mom's voice and I. can have a list of videos and I can hear.

her laugh and joke about things and it's. almost like she's still here." What's. the difference between people pleasing. and wanting people to be happy? Because. I think people get that confused. They. don't know the difference. How would you. define what a people pleaser is versus. someone who likes to see people happy? Okay, so from the chronic people. pleaser, myself, I would say just acknowledging the fact. that you do not control somebody's. happiness. It doesn't matter if you give. them everything they want. There's going.

to be another factor in their lives. that's going to implicate their ability. to be completely happy. So, it's not. your responsibility. It's not your. purpose to make other people happy and. it's it's a job that's never going to. have a reward because there's so many. factors to our happiness anyway. One. person can't achieve that. So, for me. with people-pleasing, I just realized. that as much as I do want to make this. person happy, my happiness also. is valid and it's also important to me.

So, I have to set boundaries and you. have to enforce your boundaries of. people with people in general. I always. want to ensure that I'm curating a. healthy space for people, whether it's. in my home or wherever it is, as long as. you're in my presence, I want you to be. happy. I want you to feel seen, heard, appreciated, valued, understood, but. again, not at my own detriment. So, if. I'm not receiving the same thing from. you, then something has to give or. something has to stop. I stopped.

people-pleasing when I realized the. people that I was trying to please were. not trying to reciprocate that energy to. me. I also realized that I was putting. myself second almost all the time for. other people with very little. reciprocation. I just decided that it. just wasn't for me. There's a whole. backstory in my book about. people-pleasing and it explains my. journey on that, but in the short form, I had to stop for my own sanity and for. my own self-respect, especially when you. look when you compare your efforts to.

others and you almost look and you can. see they've got boundaries that I don't. have because if I ask them to do what. they're asking me, they would say no. Why would they say no? Is it because. they're a horrible person? Is it because. of this or they're selfish? No, it's. because of their boundary. So, I. realized that everybody around me had. their boundaries when it came to me, but. as I was people-pleasing, I didn't have. any for anybody else and on top of that. with people-pleasing, it just takes you to lengths that you. were never prepared to go, you know, and.

it's just unfair to put yourself in that. position. Do the best you can to. support, but never at your own. detriment. And if it is going to be at. your own detriment, then that's. something that you have to sit down. discuss with yourself. Okay, this is. costing me this, but what am I learning. in the process? When does it come to an. end? What are my boundaries in this. particular experience? But across the. board, I would say scrap people pleasing. as a whole. You don't need to do that. and the people around you will feel. uncomfortable with you doing that. anyway. You know, there's a lot of my. friends that would be like, "Relax,

you're overcompensating.". Just to put me back into into into gear. because people pleasing isn't Well, the. habits of people pleasing isn't going to. stop overnight. It's actual small. practices that you have to implement on. a day-to-day to rewire this this brain. of ours to stop doing this nonsense. But. um. yeah, I think boundaries, enforcing your. boundaries is is the main is the key. thing to put an end to people pleasing. and just realizing that. put that love into yourself. Put that.

devotion and that time and that energy. into yourself. Why are you so scared to. do that? Cuz you'll find a lot of people. who people please, they don't actually. have great relationships with. themselves. So, just that energy's. great, but just bring it back to. yourself, you know, first. Similar to. when you're on the airplane, you have to. put the mask on first before you help. other people. It's very similar. Yeah, well said. I I I couldn't agree with you. more. I think that. I stopped people pleasing when I. realized that there was nothing I could.

possibly do. to actually please someone fully. That there'd always be some gap, some. blemish, some mistake, even if I tried. with the deepest, purest intention. And I recognized that actually. if I simply tried to create a space for. people to flourish, and then it was up to them to make the. most of it. And if they didn't, I could only make the space better, but. I couldn't please them. I could improve. the environment, but I couldn't improve.

them. I think that's when we fail is. when we make a person our project or we. make a person our purpose or we make a. person our obsession as opposed to the. environment and space and the energy. which you can control. You can control. the energy someone feels when they walk. into your house. Yeah. You can't control. whether they want to rise to that energy. or whether they want to bring it down. You can control the energy someone has. in your workspace, but you can't control. whether they're going to subscribe to. that energy or unfollow. Like you can't.

change that. And so I think if you're. spot-on that if we spent more time. curating energy that we emanate and that. we live by and the spaces that we walk. into have, then now we're leaving it up to everyone. else. Right? You came in this morning. and you were smiling and you were happy. We gave each other a big hug. Like it's. been we've been having bubbly. conversation, like reconnecting. Like we. both decided to be on that energy. Now, I wanted this place to be welcoming and. inviting and hopefully felt that it felt.

calm and there weren't too many people. and it wasn't stressful, but then you. have to also meet me there and bring. your energy in. And then I have to meet. you there. And so I feel like people will. constantly meet you where you're at or. they'll force you to meet you where. they're at. Yeah. And it's your choice. to decide whether you want to rise or. fall. I want to I want to dive into your. journey a little bit because. it feels like you got introduced to. needing an emotional vocabulary very.

young in your life. Like when I was. reading your book, I was like, this is. someone who the good quote isn't a page. with good quotes because. just cuz you're a good writer, it's. because you've had to live that. It's lived experience that is now coming. out in the form of good quote. And I often think about that with me, too, and I align with that that what I. share today is stuff that I've lived, it's experienced, it's it's pain, it's. stress, it's overwhelm, it's a role I've. played for many years. I always say I I.

mediated my entire family's. relationship and dynamic for many, many. years. So, a lot of the mediation I do. today is is because that's the role I've. always played. Mhm. And so, with you, I got this sense that. your emotional vocabulary grew very. young in life. Yeah. And then you felt like sharing it. Mhm. I want to tell you you were talking. about 2011 was Tumblr, where you started. sharing wisdom. 2014 was when The Good. Quote was was taken out. When you started writing and sharing.

these experiences, how scared or worried were you. originally about how they'd be seen? And. how long did it take you to even have. the courage to like write and put out. your first post? Firstly, to dive deeper. into the reasonings behind The Good. Quote, there are so many quote pages out. there. Um The Good Quote does have the. most followers because we started, but. it wasn't a hustle. It wasn't something. that I thought I I didn't even think of. money, you know? Uh it was a hobby, and. it was something that came from.

desperation, lack of community. I was in. a really dark place, and I couldn't find. the community that I was looking for, so. I had no other option but to create it. myself. On Tumblr, Tumblr is a beautiful. platform. Oh my gosh, I absolutely love. it. It's just It doesn't have any of the. metrics that we fuss over on all the. other platforms. It's just It is what it. is. You don't care about the followers. You can put your whole self on there, and somebody is going to follow you. because they like you. That's what I think is amazing about. Tumblr. It's just a blank page blog.

post. Someone's going to read your blog, and if they like it or if they resonate. with it, that's a follower. That's now. one member of your community. So, when I started um Tumblr, I was. listening to Wiz Khalifa. Um he had a mixtape called Kush and. Orange Juice. And there's a song on. there, and oh my gosh, every time I come. on podcasts, I I talk about it, and I. never get the name of the song. It goes. something like um we belong at the top. or something like that. And I was in a. really bad place, and I was listening to.

that. I dropped out of uni, my friends. were making their lives, and I was still. very stuck. And I listened to the lyrics, and it was. very simple, you know, and I just. thought to myself, yeah, actually, I'm. going to make it. I'm actually going to. make it. Just got to keep telling myself. that, okay. Wow, that's what that quote did for me. That's That was my first initial. feeling. That's what Yeah, that's what. the lyric did for me. Hm, so I went on to Tumblr. And I I tried to blog with um WordPress. Uh I I remember at the time Vice was.

starting to really emerge, and I joined. a Vice blogging network, and I had my. own blog, and. nothing worked. And then I got on. Tumblr, and I took a picture of Wiz. Khalifa, and I put that lyric that. touched me on top of that picture. I. darkened it, I posted it with some. hashtags, and I fell asleep. And the. next day I woke up to like 12,000. followers, and a whole bunch of. requests. And I was like, okay. Wiz Khalifa was really popular at the. time, so I think I kind of jumped on.

that. But the fact is, nobody else was making. picture quotes out of positive hip-hop. lyrics. And then I I never told any of. my friends that this blog was mine. I. started seeing my friends display. pictures on BlackBerry Messenger and. Facebook change to my quotes. And then I. realized that there were people who were. going through things that would find a. particular quote and put it on their. display picture. So now you know, they're in their emotions today, they're. sad about this, and it kind of made it. easier to share how you're feeling.

within without having to actually. vocalize it. So for me, Christian wisdom. on Tumblr was just like, wow, I didn't. know I can connect to this many people. I didn't think people needed these. quotes as much as I did. But I have 12,000 people that resonate. with me now. So 3 weeks into launching. Tumblr, I started a clothing line called. Cool Story Bro, which was a slogan back. in the day. And my mother was an. accountant a bookkeeper at the time and. she was making about.

40,000 a year. And I pulled in 36,000. pounds in 3 weeks for just selling that. clothing based on that community. And I kept it very transparent. I'm. building this. I'm I'm I'm putting this. for sale because I'm trying to figure. out what it is that I'm doing with my. creativity. So it's I'm investing in. myself. You can purchase this if you. want. So many orders, Jay. And it made me realize how needed this. platform is. People really need.

encouragement. You know, people really. need to be seen. And just as Christian. Wisdom started to grow, my mother got. diagnosed with breast cancer. So I took. a year off and I cared for her. Um and. during that year, I think I kind of lost. the momentum of Christian Wisdom. I met my business partner in a Caribbean. restaurant and he was like, "This is. what you should be doing. We can do. this. We can do that." We moved over to. The Good Quote. And on The Good Quote,

it was a bit different because I instead. of taking pictures I didn't take and. other people's lyrics I didn't write, I. had to find writers. So I went on to. Twitter and I started looking for. writers and I found a bunch new. up-and-coming writers. Maybe 500. followers, 1,000 followers. But I was. reading through their timelines and I. was like, "Oh, This is really I. like this." And the demand on Instagram. was much more than Tumblr. So I went. from posting a few times a day on Tumblr.

to 24 hours a day on Instagram. And I. was explaining this to other people. anytime people ask me about this story, I tell them I slept for 50 minutes. And then I would wake up, quickly post. cuz there was no scheduling. There was. no scheduling apps. I was going mad. My. mental health was declining by the day, but my followers I gained a million. followers in a month. Wow. In my first month. We we we've never seen anything like. that before. And every celebrity at one. stage was following us. We had um.

when I met you in LA I actually messaged. Khloe Kardashian and she replied, you. know, and so many people. I actually had. an I think the first person I had beef. with us was a a singer called Keri. Hilson. I think we credited her in. incorrectly, found out that it wasn't. even her quote. I mean this is just. between me and you, but it was insane. the impact that it had and I didn't have. any confidence to post my stuff. I. didn't cuz I psyched myself up to. believe that I'm just a distributor. I'm.

not the talent. I find the talent and I. bring it to the platform for the. community. This isn't about me. And. there was one occasion where I did try. to put my face to it and I was hit with. a lot of racism. And it upset me because. obviously this is a community that I put. my heart and soul into. Why are they. racist? Who is following me that's. racist? So. I stopped putting my face out there and. I did that for 10 years. I didn't gain. to answer your question I didn't gain. the confidence to put my work out there. until maybe about four five years later.

Mhm. You know, that was from the. encouragement of the writers that I was. sharing. You know, we would have really. deep conversations. I would post things. on Twitter and they would be like share. this share this. And it was not until I really saw your. growth. that I thought to myself okay the good. quote is really huge. I could change my life at any moment. And then the anxiety came in. The imposter syndrome came in and I just. thought, you know what? I'm best to be. behind the scenes. Let me just work with.

great people. Let me meet great people. Let me use this as an opportunity to. network and I'll figure out myself. later. You know, I spoke in the book. about premonitions. I used to get a lot. of premonitions as a kid. It's one of. the reasons why my mother went back to. church cuz she left the church after she. gave birth to me. She was a part of a. really strict church, you know, you. couldn't wear trousers, you could not be. pregnant if you were not married, so mom. left, you know. But I kept seeing things and I kept. getting really interesting dreams and I. remember from a young age my mother.

would say to me, you know, you have to. get ready to like education is the most. important thing and I said to her, not. in my life. I'm going to live my life. when I'm 30. That's when life is coming for me. because I kept getting told that, whether it was in my dreams or just. something subconsciously, life will start for you in your mid-30s. Everything leading up to that would be. experience. and that's literally what has happened. So I allowed myself to make loads of. mistakes and try and tell and fail and I. did a lot of that on the good quote with.

myself and it boosted me enough to make. me realize that I I'm a good writer, you. know, even though I knew that I was kind. of bred to become a writer. My mother. loved literature. So sharing my work. wasn't difficult after a while, but at. first it was so intense. The imposter. syndrome was wild, you know, some other. writers would get 100,000 likes, I would. get 50 and I'll be upset with that. It's. crazy because it's like. 50,000 people is two O2 arenas. If you. ever stood in the O2 arena and you look.

around, I think the capacity is 25,000. seats. Two of them full of people liked. what I had to say, but because this. writer got 100K, I don't feel I hated. that energy. It took away from the. creativity, it took away from my love, it took away from the experience that I. needed in order to create that. particular quote. So. I posted myself once or twice a week and. that's that's kind of the habit that. I've been doing over the over the years. What I find fascinating about that is.

you had the courage to listen to your. intuition. That is premonition part. where you're saying everything before 35. is experience and then 35 is when I. start living.". What I'm fascinated by is how did you. build that courage? Because what I find. is so similar for me where when I was. 14, I felt my inner voice got really. loud. And so, I remember my parents really. wanted me to do math and science and all. this stuff at. GCSE and A level. And obviously, you have to do it GCSE.

You don't get to choose. But then at A. level in the UK, you get to choose. So, you're on For everyone who's listening. in the US or outside of the UK, when. you're between 16 to 18, you get to. choose three to four subjects that you. study at A levels. And. I remember from 14 when you're starting. to think about this, my inner voice was just like, "Do what. you love. Do what you're good at. Do. what you love. Do what you're good at. Do what you love." And that just kept. repeating itself. But I grew up in an. environment where it was like it was all. about getting a good job. And it was all. about doing things that other people.

valued. And you have a chapter in the. book called "We Follow Other People's. Visions for Our Lives Instead of Our. Own.". And that's how we break our own hearts. in that section of your book. And for. me, I made a pact with myself that I. would never follow. my parents' or anyone extended family's. vision for my life. I would only study. subjects that were true to me. Now, that. sounds like a really small decision, but. it was the beginning of a pattern of. decisions that gave me the confidence to.

always back myself. So, I said to my. parents, I was like, "I'm going to do. art and design. I'm going to do. economics. I'm going to do sociology. I'm going to do things that I find. interesting.". And obviously, to my parents who'd. worked so hard and immigrants who'd. really worked hard for me to have a good. education and everything, they're like, "What you going to do with art and. design? Like, how's that going to help?". And I was like, "No, no, no. I just know. it. I just know it." And now I realize. what I was saying I knew it is I knew it. internally. And since that day, every.

decision I made, when I decided to. become a monk, I knew internally that. was right for me. When I decided to. leave, I knew that was internally right. for me. When I decided to start creating. stories and telling so I knew that was. internal It wasn't ever someone's. something someone said to me, or it. wasn't like, "Oh, this is a good. strategy." or this is a good It wasn't. that. It was internally guided, and even. till this day, I find that when I. abandon that internal voice, that's when. I make mistakes. But, when I listen.

closely to that internal voice, that's. when I make my best decisions. But, I. find for a lot of people, when you've. ignored that voice. for maybe 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, it's so quiet now. So, two questions. The first is. how have you always trusted your inner. voice? And two, if someone's lost. connection with it, how do they get it. to become louder again? So, my mother. was born in a board house in Trinidad. It's a house that consists of board-like. material on wooden stilts. Very basic,

you know, two bedrooms, a living room, a. kitchen, a lot of people in the house. So, you had to stand up for yourself in. that house. Even if it came to dinner. time, the best meat is being taken by. your great-uncle or your cousin, you. have to stand up for yourself. Then, you. take that person, bring them to England, it's very similar environment, a lot. more damaging, you know, still have to. stick up for yourself. My mother didn't. stick up for herself there. So, when it. came to her raising me, like I said. before, all of the mistakes that she.

made, all the things that she saw or. witnessed growing up in her house in. London with her family, she was not. bringing that into our house. So, my. house was full of so many different. affirmations. Every day was just like a. particular prayer I had to say. Then, it. was followed by a list of affirmations. that I would say to myself from four. These were the things. I am smart. I am. beautiful. I can do anything I put my. mind to. Every day. And then, that went. from affirmations to my mother affirming. my creativity. So, you know when you.

you're a kid and you create images and. your parents might put it on the fridge. or they might put it on the wall. My My. kitchen was my gallery, right? So, I was. raised in an environment where it was. just like anything that I want to do. creatively creatively, I have the. freedom to do that. Communication was a. huge thing with my mother and myself. We. barely watched TV. It was always books. or just lying in bed and talking. And my. mother would feed and entertain me. through life stories of her own. And.

it's quite common in the West Indies to. to tell it tell stories, you know. And I. learned a lot of the importance of. standing up for yourself by watching my. mom struggle to do that with her family. And I would see her face light up when. she was telling me certain stories of. where she did have the confidence to do. that. And those were the things that. encouraged me. Growing up, again, I used. to have a lot of premonitions, so I was. a bit nervous of what to express. And. when I, you know, started to speak about. them with my mother, she put me in touch.

with an elder who encouraged that. Wow. Right? Um. and that's how come she ended up going. back to church. And that elder is. mentioned in my book, a woman called. Millie. Uh I love her to pieces and. she enforced. pride into me. Pride for the way I think. cuz I think out of the box, you. Um pride for so many different things. So, again, as I was getting older, I had. a lot of elders around me, people who. are not only older, but you expect.

someone who's 50 or 60 to know about. themselves or know about the world. So, when these people are pouring into me, it's boosting my confidence. And it just. came to a point where my mother and. Millie started to encourage me to listen. to my intuition because there were. certain things that I just wouldn't do. because something kept telling it. Something inside was telling me not to. do it. And my mother was like, "Okay, well, it seems to be telling you the. right thing, so honor it. And the best. way to honor that is to just listen. You. have to develop a relationship with it,

right? So, your intuition's funny. because it has to develop trust with. you, you have to develop trust with it. And it will test you. Like, when you. were dating and courting your wife, you. guys subtly probably tested each other. in certain things or even just to see. what this person's like deep reaction is. to certain things. So, for example, my. intuition would say, "Don't walk. straight onto the station today, take a. left. Take this left, it's quicker." I. would take the left and there's. roadworks or or there's somewhere on the. pavement that I can't and I'll be like,

"Why the hell did I listen to my foot?". And every time I went against it, even. if it was wrong, I noticed the. relationship was just further in a path. So, what I decided to do was respond. differently. I noticed that my intuition. was testing me and tricking me. So, every time it was like, "Don't eat that, eat this." And it would be horrible. Don't eat You know, I'm just trying to. give some bad examples. So, what I. started to do was say to myself, "I'm. actually going to have to depend on you. for my life one day and I'm listening to. you. So, I need you to start giving me.

some proper instructions." And it just. developed after that, you know, and it. gets down to the point, Jay, where I. It's almost like I have two. I listen to. my intuition for everything. Should I do. this today? Yeah, let me do that today. cuz that's what I've been told within to. do. It's like I trust it with everything. and it's gotten to the point where it's. almost right all the time and I know. that it's a good sense of energy because. it tells me not to do things that could.

be harmful for me. So, don't interact. with that person. Don't drink that. drink. Don't And, you know? And I feel. like the more I. encourage the relationship between me. and my intuition, the stronger it got. And so, now it's just something that I. honor. It could be a gut feeling. Don't. go down there. Don't go to that place. tonight. I don't go. Something happened. And when that happens, I just think to. myself, "Wow, this is really powerful, you know?" And. it definitely got stronger with me.

through fasting. Fasting is something that. I love to do. I watched my mother do it. a lot with the church. I've watched a lot of Dr. Mindy's. interviews and and and I've read her. book and you know, the power behind. fasting in itself is just the negative. voice in your head disappears 3 days. after you start a water fast. So, on. your third day, the negative voice goes. I do water fast all the time, right? I. might not look like it because I love. food, but at the same time, water fast.

is something that I go to anytime I feel. unbalanced. In order to. re- define my inner voice, I do it. through fasting. I strengthen my. relationship with my intuition through. fasting. It's almost much louder like. kind of what you explained when you were. 14. These are practices that I do on a daily. basis. I pray. I meditate. I write down the things that. my subconscious tells me that I should. be doing. Like, "Why don't you start a. podcast doing this?" I would write it.

down. An elder once told me, "Everything. your body Everything your intuition or. your gut gives to you, your. subconscious, you write it down. You. acknowledge it and you say, 'I don't. have the time to do that right now, but. I'm going to write that down. Thank. you.'" Because imagine if as your. subconscious, I'm your subconscious, I. keep giving you these great ideas and. you keep ignoring me, eventually one day. I'm going to stop communicating with. you. And the day your subconscious stops. communicating with you, it's over. I. genuinely believe that's what creative. blocks are. I believe that's what.

hinders us from doing so many things, you know? You have to find the time to. develop a relationship within. Your life. improves drastically when you do. Life is like on 10 on a Victor scale. when you have full harmony between these. things compared to not being aware of. it. So, for me it's a everyday. investment. It's a everyday devotion. You know, even today as I was saying, I. was driving and I'm thinking, "Oh my. gosh, I'm running late. Where am I going.

to park?" And something inside of me was. just like, "Relax, I got you.". And there's a park right outside of this. office. And that's it. And I kind of. knew as I was as I was driving on the. road, I kind of knew I didn't have to. worry. And it happens all the time. And people. see that as nonchalant or. you might have like a less urgent. response to things, but living in the. flow, you end up at your destination less. stressful, you know, also with more. intention. I love the relationship I.

have with my intuition. It saved me when. I was looking after my mother. It saved. me when I was stranded in the West. Indies. It saved me when I was writing. my book. Every every aspect of my life, my intuition is there guiding me. I. generally believe our intuition is is. almost, if I say it, an ancestor of some. sort, somebody somebody, you know? And. it's just. it just goes into the phenomenon of. life, really, isn't it? Like, what are. these things? What is the gut feeling? What is the subconscious? What is the. intuition? Why are these things.

conspiring together? What are they. trying to get me to do? They're trying. to get you to live the best life that. you possibly can. Yeah. Yeah. So well said. I mean, so so. wonderful to hear your experience with. it. And I love hearing about other. people's experiences. with that. The the Bhagavad Gita talks. about the soul and the super soul. And. so, we're the soul and the super soul is. the all-knowing, the, you know, the. all-powerful. And it's almost like when. the conversation starts between the soul. and the super soul, the soul gets all of. this inner wisdom and knowledge and now.

is able to make decisions and. I I can resonate with so much of what. you're saying, but the thing that I. loved that I think you put so well, was. this idea of sometimes your intuition is. testing whether it can trust you. Yeah. And it may even misguide you in little. little ways, not huge ways. And most people give up there. They go, "Oh, I listened and it was just stupid. I'm not listening again.". And that's exactly what you need to. break through because that little test,

that mini understanding of creating a. collaboration, like you said, happens in. friendship, happens in business, happens. in romantic relationships. You're just. checking. You're just checking. Are we. on the same page? Are we with each. other? Because I'm going to say. something crazy one day and it's like, are you going to hear it? And I can. relate to so much of that because. I I feel the same way as you. I'm very. clear. energetically when I meet someone. Are. we going to vibe? Are we going to. connect? Should we spend time there? Should we not? And it's so easy to.

think, "Oh, I'm just mad. I should avoid. that." And to have an elder, That's. where my intuition comes in the. strongest. Yeah. It's like, when I was a. kid, I used to see auras and I used to. feel people before they spoke. And now. with my intuition, my relationship with. my intuition, I. it's almost like it protects me. So, just off the bat, I know don't say. too much to this person, you know, or. this person needs a little bit more of a. listening ear. Don't talk about yourself. as much. These are the things that I. would feel inside, you know? Yeah, I I I.

I think it's amazing. So, if someone's. lost touch with it, like if someone's. listening right now and they're like, "Jay and Megan, thanks a lot. Like, you. know, I wish I listened to her at 14 or. four.". And they're thinking, "I'm just so. disconnected. I never hear that at all. Like, I don't I don't feel anything. I. just don't know what to do." And I'm. because I also find that we we outsource. it, right? Like, I have so many friends. who will have like 30 people on a chat. and they'll be like, "What do I do in. this situation?" And then they'll go on. their private stories on Instagram be. like, "Guys, what do I do in this.

situation?" It's like, we're constantly. outsourcing advice. So, we don't find it. weird to go to like 10, 20, 30 people. who know us, but they don't know us that. well. But, we find it scary to sit in. silence. And you talk about the power of. solitude in the book in the second. section. And this ability to spend time. with ourselves, but we don't usually go. there. So, if someone's struggling and. saying, "Yeah, Jay, I'm I'm that person. I'm I'm the one texting all my mates. I'm all constantly asking my family to. make decisions for me. Constantly asking. everyone's opinion, but it never works.

How do I start doing this? How How would. you guide them? The first thing I would. say is to. start removing your distractions. Start removing the distractions, because. the more we're distracted, obviously, the the less we are going in. within. And for me, if I'm constantly. distracted with TV, friends, work, when. do I actually get to spend time with. myself? So, the best way that I spend. time with myself is every morning before. my day before my day starts, as soon as. the sun rises, I go for a walk in my.

local park. And or I might just go for a. walk, just walk straight for an hour. No. headphones, no I do have my phone for. safety, but no headphones, nothing. And. any thought that comes into my head, I. write down. Mhm. Any thought that comes. into my head, I write down. It could be, "Ah, this is This is isn't it?". Like. Or or "Wow, this is so long. Why am I. going for this walk this morning?" I. write that down. And then I ask it why. And I get used to to to communicating. with myself. Everybody, in my opinion,

has something internal that communicates. with them. I only recently realized that. not everybody has an internal dialogue, which I found so strange, cuz I. definitely do. But, there is something. within our gut that is there. And it's. worth seeking, cuz it could potentially. be your best friend. So, as I was. saying, communicate with yourself. Start asking. yourself the same questions that you. would ask somebody else. If you find. that the voice in your head is.

or your intuition is negative, you know, take some time to really. why do I think like that? Mhm. There's been so many times I've. gone for walks and just like today's the. day I'm going to put myself out there. Today's the day I'm going to put myself. out there. I'm going to post this video. And then something would be like, "No, we're not.". And I'll be like, "Okay, but why?". And it will go silent. And I might walk. for a little bit more and I'll be like, "No, why am I not doing that?". And it will be silent. And I'll be like, "Okay, but why do I think I'm not doing. that?" It's because And before you know.

it, I'm coming up with my own answers. The more you do that, you're going to. get some sort of response one day, you. know, energetically from your stomach or. wherever it is that you feel that. sensation. And it's going to give you. the answers that you didn't even know. was there. Jade, the amount of times I've done that. and sometimes I baffle myself with what. it is my subconscious gives back to me. Yes, yes, I agree. It's like, "Wow, that's That's really sad." Or, "Oh my. gosh, that's cool. I didn't know I. thought of that of myself." You know?

But as we were saying before, these. things need nurturing, nourishing. If. you want to have a healthy body, you're. going to fill it with the best foods, you're going to make sure you're moving, you're going to make sure your mind is. right. With the mind, how do you have a. healthy mind? Obviously, there's. professionals and stuff that you would. go to, but the holistic way is. definitely journaling, writing, exercising, fasting. Those are the first. four things I would say to anybody who. says they don't have a relationship. You're going to hear that voice as loud. as hell when you are 2 days in to a.

water fast. That voice is going to be. loud and you're going to have no other. option but to communicate with it. So, put yourself to a challenge. If you want. to find it, it's there. It's been hidden because it hasn't been. communicated with. If you have this urge. to write, you have this urge to draw, but you're playing games instead or. you're watching this, eventually, like. we said, that is going to fade away till. it doesn't exist anymore. It's your. responsibility to go and seek it. So, you actively have to do things by.

yourself that are going to call you to. end up speaking to yourself internally. or outwardly. I don't mind. And. communicate with that. That's my honest. opinion. That's what works for me. For. sure. Anytime I'm feeling disconnected, I go. for a walk. I write down what my. feelings are. And I always come back. feeling lighter with some sort of. answer. Whatever answer I get, I might. Google it, put it in chat GPT, or I. might go back to my therapy notes, or. even call a friend and be like, "This is. what's happening, you know?" And then it. gives me something to work on. Then I.

will look online, "Okay, I'm feeling sad. about this." All these podcasts will. come up. Let me start listening to other. people's experiences. Okay, all the. things that they've mentioned, how do I. bring that back into my life? How do I. use their practices to gain a deeper. relationship with myself? People think. that self-love and all of these things. is just surface. It's a lot of. dedication and devotion to oneself. And. you've really got to believe that you're. worth it. It starts from there. It. starts from your intention. What are you. intentionally trying to receive from.

your inner self as to why you want to. have these conversations. And then you. will build up on that. Yeah, so true. Most of us I feel like only having. a conversation with fear. Yeah. really having a conversation with any. other part of ourselves. yeah. Exactly. So, our inner voice, we. think our inner voice is fear or. anxiety. But what we're referring to is something. deeper than that and something so much. more you than that. And that's why I think we're scared of. having that time out, that internal.

dialogue, the solitude, because all we. hear in that time is fear and anxiety. Yeah. And like you said with the. fasting, it's the same as true for fear. and anxiety in meditation. I remember the first time I sat down to. meditate for 2 hours, my whole body was. rejecting it and there was just fear and. anxiety. Am I doing this right? This is. all uncomfortable. I hate this. This is. the worst. And then after you get. through that first 2 hours, 4 hours, 6. hours, 8 hours, it starts to go quiet to. just naturally. Yeah. And you go, oh,

now there's space to actually listen. And and I think so many of us give up. just before that. So so I love that you. used fasting as an example and I. definitely struggle with meditation. That's why I find a lot more power in. fasting. Yeah. I find it quicker and more. intense. Like I can't switch off my thoughts of. meditation. Well, I couldn't until I had. to practice and I did exactly what you. just said. I had to get through those. loud moments and just tell my tell my. brain, tell myself, we're not moving.

until everyone is quiet. You know? Yeah. And then again, what is it that. I'm saying? Write it down or store it. But meditation I find. it was more of a physical experience. I. don't know if you ever feel like a. buzzing feeling on your. the circumference of your body. That to me is a completely different. level. I'm very basic in meditating. I've really just started to pick it up. properly and I do about 10 to 15 minutes. a day in the morning and it sets my day.

because any fears I have for that day. I'm able to just calmly go through it. Breathing helps so much. You know, when. you're having anxiety and your thoughts. are racing and you just deep breathe for. about six or seven times and you can. actually feel the pressure coming down. Yeah, I think. breath work, meditation, fasting, these. are all really great practices. Yeah. And you talk about them in the book as. well. Some of your tools. We're talking about fears, Megan, I. wanted to to end on this because I. wanted to talk about it with you. This. idea of.

we've we learn about how much you love. your mom in the book. Even today in this. conversation you learn about what a. pivotal role she's played like. introducing you to elders, like the. affirmations, giving you the gift of learning. forgiveness at a time in your life like. so many things but. walk us through the healing of. that process like what are all the. things that are going on inside when. you're in the process of losing the. person you love most in the world? It wasn't just my mother I lost. So, I.

lost my mother in 2021 in March. Um I started to lose people. around August 2020. Well, I lost 16. people to COVID, right? I lost 16 people. to COVID and I lost three friends, one. to cocaine, one to murder, and one to illness. I. lost both my parents. My mother passed. in March. My dad passed in August. And then I lost an uncle.

later on that year. So, that all happened in the space of. 2020 to 2021. So, it wasn't just losing my mom. Um never met my dad. Never knew my dad. Not interested. It was. actually losing my entire community. All. my elders went. Millie's actually the. only elder I have left and it was very. important for me to get her name in. print and share her story as well as my. mom. The journey of my mother's. transition started in July 2020 when she. got diagnosed with stage four cancer.

And at that moment, Jay, I was in the. position of putting my face in my hands. Like actually doing it. Sat down with my. business partner like this is what we're. doing. I'm ready, you know? And that happened and I thought, "Oh my. gosh, this is happening again." This. happened with Tumblr and I was Okay, well, maybe it's not time, you know? So, I just saw that as a huge step back for. me to take. because this is more important and this. is where.

my life is heading towards. I then had to become a carer. and. there were many times I had to parent my. mom. Immediately as she got diagnosed, I. then had to put my feelings aside and. comfort her and then become very. optimistic for our journey moving. forward. And it was heartbreaking. because all while that was happening, I. was watching. you know, the energy deplete from. somebody who's being told that in a.

couple of years time they might not they. might not be here. Then I'm thinking, okay, wow, in a couple of my mom's going. to die when I'm in my 30s? I thought she. was. I thought I had a pact with God that. mommy's not going until she's 100, you. know, like what are we doing? What are. we talking about? Okay, so. stage four cancer. These these are all. the things that was in my head. Okay, let me research them. And I'm seeing. there's not many. There's there's. it's terminal, you know, and that's. literally what the doctor told my. mother. So it was it was really.

hard. I knew that I didn't have time to. be depressed, you know, cuz depression. is the first thing that comes to me when. emotions are too heavy. I just I stop. I. pause. I bed rot. And you know, I didn't. have time for that because I have to go. back to caring now. Every night I would. cry myself to sleep and then I would. watch um some people on TikTok who talk. about grief. Uh there's a lady who talks. about working in a hospice and I just. realized, okay, I'm. being called to help my mother.

transition. So I actually need to put. myself second and I did the entire time. It's hard operating with a broken heart. It's hard watching the person that you. love crumble and lose their power, eventually losing their life. You lose yourself. The moment my mother took her last. breath, I also took my last breath. And. I felt You see, that same feeling that I. spoke about in the beginning of the book. with the heartbreak, I felt something.

leave me. I felt so cold and hollow. That's the best way I can put it. Everything within me that was fun and. brought light and the things that. everybody loved, it went. My entire essence left with my mother. It's only till I got older along the. last couple of years, I've realized. actually I just evolved and the best. inheritance I received was my mother's. love and her and her essence. But that.

feeling was awful. I didn't want to be. here. Went through so many different. things, so many different. emotions. You know, my mother. got ill just as COVID started to happen. and it got really cold and she was like, I want to go home and home for us is. Trinidad. But Trinidad's borders were. closed, so I ended up going to St. Lucia. and it was just supposed to be a quick. break and maybe a month or so, you know. And it was crazy cuz COVID out there was. so different to the UK. Like you could. still go to the beach. You could still.

do things. So, my mom was. she was really happy, you know. It's. hot. It's sunshine. You can eat the best. foods, you know. It was We had her on a. really holistic, whole foods diet. All. of the stuff came from St. Lucia. She. was just literally eating from the. ground. And at one stage I thought she. was getting better and then her health. just plummeted and next thing you know, I'm in St. Lucia for 6 months and my. mother passes away and. I then had to.

Okay. She wants to be buried in Trinidad. What. do I do now? So, my grandfather sent me. 10,000 pounds and all the planes were. stationary. All the airports were. closed. I had to spend about 2 weeks. begging the ministry in Trinidad to let. me in and when I was able to send them. all of my mom's documentations. she was a national, they brought her. home and they would at one stage they. were like, we can't bring you into the. country cuz you're not a national. And I was just like, "Okay, well, I'm. going to go on the good quote and talk.

about this." And literally, the next day. I woke up to. access into Trinidad, put my mother on. this private plane that my grandfather. paid for, got over to Trinidad, had to quarantine, didn't bury her until. a month later, family switched up on me, by myself in a. foreign country. Trinidad is not an easy place to be on. the best of days. I love Trinidad. I. love it. I was raised to love Trinidad. It's part of It's me, you know? Been.

going to Trinidad since I was 7 years. old. So, I kind of know the area. No, when you're there by yourself, no. family, no money, your mother's in a. morgue, you know, I had a breakdown. I completely broke. down to the point where I think I landed. in St. Lucia maybe 110 kg cuz I was When. I'm stressed, as you can see, just. finished writing the book. When I'm. stressed, I put on a lot of weight. I. left and landed in Trinidad 74 kg. I.

lost so much weight due to stress. It. depleted me completely, but I I did it. all with honor. because that was my best friend. She was. scared, and I was scared, and. I needed to ensure that she had. everything that she needed because at. one stage, that's what she did for me. You know, I slept in the hospital the. entire time. I actually got all the. nurses to sign off their. responsibilities. I washed my mom. I fed. her. I cleaned her. I helped her move. I. changed her bed. I did everything. because for me, it was the last time I. was ever going to be able to do it. So,

I had all this energy to do it. And. honor is such a big thing for me, and so. is loyalty. And because of my mother's. story and the amount of sacrifices she. made for me, it was important for me to. reciprocate in the only way that I knew. how at the time, which was to ensure. that she had a peaceful transition. And. it was so hard. You know, we I slept in. the same bed as my mom for that entire. time, for a year and a half. I've got so. many recordings of her. We have our own. podcast that I can go to. There's. certain things I asked her like, when I. get married and I want to run away,

you know, what advice would you give me? And she. And she gave me all these advices. When. I become a mother, what what advice. would you give me? And we had these. really beautiful conversations. I've got. all of it recorded. She even recorded me. a birthday message so that every year. for my birthday I wake up and I play it. cuz it's just significant any year. It's. not specific, you know? And so. we prepared and we did as much as we. could and that's why I don't have any. regrets with losing my mother or well, I.

don't have any regrets of how it all. panned out, but I lost myself completely. and I think to be honest with you, I. really only got it back recently and I. got it back through the process of. writing this book cuz it gave me. something to do. I got really low. Um I. I got a really strong dependency on. marijuana. Um I became very suicidal. I made. various attempts. I was by myself for a. long time. In Trinidad I. started off in the hood and I met some.

really great people in some of the areas. where, you know, rumors and the. government and just culture would tell. you that you shouldn't be. I met some of. the kindest people there and these. people elevated me enough to believe or. to generate self-belief that I'm Megan. I built something really great. I have a. great story to tell and I can actually. still try again. And I started off in. the hood in Trinidad and ended up in one. of the best places in a in a in a in a. villa that cost me four and a half grand.

a month because I started to do. podcasts. I started to. start again, you know? I was filming. people. I was interviewing people. I was. traveling the island. I was trying to. find who Megan was without Janet, without my mom. And I'm still trying to. find that. It's really hard. It's really. hard. She wasn't just my mother, she was. my best friend, my sister, my homie, you. know, the person I would talk to about. everything. That's gone. And then not only that, but all of the. people that raised her, they're gone, too.

I lost my great aunt, you know, I lost. great uncles, I lost cousins, I lost a. lot of people. And all I really have now is just their. memory, WhatsApp conversations, voice. notes, and their essence. And that is. what I use now to drive me. You know, there were times I I I still live in my. mother's house. When I took her to St. Lucia, stayed in Trinidad for a year. When I. got back, I had an apartment in. Docklands, a penthouse. And I remember. my mom came to see it with me and she. was like,

"I can't believe this is you." Cuz she. started off in a board house. Her. daughter's 24 floors up, you know, own. business. It was starting to happen for. me, you know? Now I'm back at home, uh back in. Watford, you know, in my mom's place. And. it's humbling. It's It's hard. Um. the memories, when people say, "Oh, I. have to leave this environment, there's. too many memories." I never understood. what that meant. It means that when you're in bed and. somebody's walking in your hallway, you.

get a quick Oh, Mom, that's my No, it's. not. It's just your friend. Or Or if. like, I don't know, you're cooking and. you're sitting in the living room while. your food's cooking and you can smell. the food and it reminds you of when your. mom used to cook on Sundays, there's. memories everywhere. So, my main. intention now is to try and do as much. work as I can to leave, but the entire journey of. losing your parents up until now, you. lose yourself. You have to rebuild. yourself. You have to parent yourself. You have to love yourself. You have to. give yourself a reason as to why you're.

being alive why you're here, why you're. Why Why you're going to even work. towards anything. Releasing this book. was the hardest thing I've ever had to. do since my mom passed away, because it. was one of my biggest accomplishments. and my cheerleader wasn't there. So, you learn how to be your own. cheerleader. It's a complete reset. And it has been the worst journey that. I've ever encountered, but also the. best. I met the love of my life. I've. I've been able to filter through my. circle. So, with the boundaries that I. put in place, there were people I was. able to get rid of ASAP because it.

wasn't good for me. Like, everything. that I'm doing now is for the benefit. and the safety of myself. And I would. have never gotten to this point if none. of this stuff happened, you know? So, I'm just learning that my mother was. just a little girl who tried her best, and she left behind some really great. lessons that I'm taking forth with me. now. I look exactly like her, so it's. really hard not to, you know, have that energy where I'm I'm still.

somebody's still I'm still responsible. for how it is I portray myself. I'm. still somebody's responsibility. I still. belong to somebody. So, these are all. the things that, you know, I had to learn along the way. It is a journey that. I don't think everybody is prepared for. I don't think there's any way you can. prepare to lose your parents. I don't. think 3 weeks is enough time for you for. for for work to give you time off for. you to mourn. And.

I don't think people understand how much. it actually takes. You lose everything. You lose everything. I've never lost a. sibling, and I don't have a child yet, so I wouldn't know what it's like to. lose a child. I hope I never do. But, I. don't think there's anything as painful. as losing your mother. If I'm being honest with you, you don't. know your left to your right. You don't. You don't know. You have to start all. over again. And then you have to parent. yourself. So, when you're having a bad. day, you've got to figure out how to. You've got to figure out how to calm. yourself down, how to encourage.

yourself, how to celebrate yourself. These are all things I'm learning how to. do by myself. Never had to do that. 32 years I never had to do that. Last 2 years. that's what I'm now having to do in. order to give me some sort of peace and. happiness. I don't think anything prepares you to. lose a parent. And this is why I talk. about it so much because I keep saying. to people if you've got good. relationships with your with your. family, start recording content. If your parent is about to pass away.

because they're dying from a disease, record content. Because there were. random days where I just want to hear my. mom's voice and I can have a list of. videos and I can hear her laugh and joke. about things and it's almost like she's. still here. If you are listening to this and you are. dealing with a parent who is passing. away, preserve as much of the memories. you can because that's the only thing. that keeps you going. If I didn't have that, Jay, I don't. know. I wouldn't be here, that's for. damn sure.

So, it's the most life-changing. transformational experience you would. ever have and it really does show you. who you are and your life can either. become something great or you can fall. and never get back up again. And I've. been straddling both, you know, and the. depression that hits after you lose your. parent there's there's there's that. there's an aimless hollow feeling in. your entire life and it doesn't matter. what or who comes into it again with the. people-pleasing. It doesn't matter.

You're not going to take that from me. I. have to do something with it. And my therapist always said, you know, the relationship that you had with your. mother would make it 10 times harder to. deal with the grief because you were. very close. And I love that. I love the fact that I. was loved and I loved something so. powerful enough that without it my life. is you know? And I love the fact. that with the essence of that love I'm. reminded as to why I need to make a.

better life for myself. I think that is the best lesson I've. gotten out of all of this. My mother. would be telling everybody, even down to. the man at the newsagents, that I have a. book, you know? So, it's for me to start. doing that now, you know? I used to see. her leave the house all the time. Anytime she got change from a 10-pound. note or 5-pound note, she'd put it in. like her pocket, and anytime there was. someone who needed it, she'd give it to. them. There were so many people within. our community in Watford that knew my. mother. I get discount at different.

stores because of her up to this day. So, I want to be that person now. I'm. really trying to like get rid of this. sadness so I can spread more light. because my plan now with the good quote. is like 10 times more intentional now. because at first it was something that I. needed. I needed the community, but now. it's something that I want for others to. be able to have that same feeling of. like security that I had when I was. building it because, you know,

when you're losing a parent, every time. I speak about my mother online, I get a. wave of DMs from people telling me like. "This speaks to me. This is how I felt.". And Jay, it's something that almost. everybody is starting to experience. because millennials, we're getting old. Our parents are getting old. And. there just needs to be a lot more. transparency and openness around the. topic of death and grieving. It's not. taboo. It's everyday. We deal with it. Um. but it's it's it's hell on earth. And.

I'm trying to do everything I can in my. power to not make it that way. But some days take over, and when they. do, I give myself the grace to like just. If I'm having a bad day when it comes to. grief, I'll I'll let everyone around me. know, and then I'll just switch off. because I can't I can't function. And. then there are other days when I'm just. like, "Oh my gosh, this is amazing. I'm. happy to be alive." It's like this. But it's not as. heavy as it was 3 years ago. I have a. great therapist, a man called Michael.

Adams. Um he is somebody who's been. working with me for the last 2 and 1/2. years now, and I had intense therapy 2. hours twice a week, and now I only do 1. hour a week. We've gone through it all. I've got so many notes that I am. writing for my next book when it comes. to grief, but I can't stress how hard it. is to lose your mother. If you have a loving relationship, it's. going to be 10 times harder. If you're.

distant, you most likely might have a. lot of regret. I don't have any regret. I don't have any. When my mother passed. away, I knew exactly what was happening. She was transitioning. You know, there's. a whole a whole story about that in. itself that we'll probably have to talk. about another time, but. you see the glory of God when somebody's. passing away. You see. the impact of the different realms, you. know, that we're in. We're in this realm. right now, but there's a spiritual. realm. There's all types of different. realms that open up when somebody is.

transitioning. It is probably one of the. most. beautiful journeys you would ever see, and you start to think to yourself, when. we became babies, what were they doing. on the other side? Were they Were they. giving us some sort of celebratory. leave-in-do for us to come to Earth? Because when you're when you're. transitioning, it's important that. people celebrate rather than mourn. So, I learned that as well. You know, I I I. mourned 3 days after my mother passed. away because I knew the fragility of her. spirit. She's just become a spirit. So, she's probably going to be just as.

scared as me. I don't need her to come back and see me. screaming and crying down the place. I. need her to see that I'm functioning. fine. After 3 days, some people believe. that the spirit then passes on, and. that's when you could do all of your. mourning, and that's what I did. And I. just started to listen to the elders and. start to incorporate more traditional. practices, you know, that come from the. West Indies or within Trinidad or things. that I've been raised to believe and. that's kind of what's been helping me. that during that time. But when you do lose a parent, you need.

community more than anything. Cuz you're not even going to be able to. make yourself a drink. You're not going. to eat. You're not You're not going to. bathe. You're not going to do anything. You're just going to be very stark. And. so it's really important. that we invest wholeheartedly into the. relationships that we have because those. are the only things that are going to. sustain you when you go through the. hardest times of your life. For sure. Megan, thank you for being so. vulnerable, so open. Thank you for.

pouring your heart into this book. Uh. I'm hoping that everyone who's been. listening and watching is as moved as I. am and. genuinely if you pick up a copy of how. to stop breaking your heart, I feel that. you'll be able to walk through life with. grace. You'll be able to. deal with the discomfort that comes. along your way and you'll be able to. find your way even when it feels. completely foggy, fuzzy, and. uncertain about your future. Uh I want. to give a big thank thanks to Megan for.

putting herself out there, for having. the courage and the the bravery for. taking that step. I know how hard that. was for you. Uh and I and I really believe that you. doing that is going to help so many. people. So thank you so much for coming. on and sharing your story today. Yeah, thank you. part of your story and I want everyone. to read the book to find the rest of it. and how it all connects. So Thank you so. much. Thank you. And also thank you for. um adapting your outfit with the color. of my podcast. I appreciate that. Yeah. I was like yeah, I was like I have. to wear this today. No, thank you. Thank.

you. noticed. I appreciate you noticing. that when I came in and I thought okay, I see you. I appreciate you noticing it. Yeah. No, but thank you Jay. Thank you. for sharing your community and your. platform with me. I appreciate that and. thank you for such a beautiful. conversation. Thank you. Thank you. beautiful. If you loved this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor. Maté on understanding your trauma and. how to heal emotional wounds to start. moving on from the past. Everything in. nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So, a tree doesn't grow where it's hard.

and thick, does it? It grows where it's. soft and green and vulnerable.