Nessa Barrett ON How To Deal With Loneliness & Heal After A Breakup

The word healthy to everyone is a great. word. Everyone wants to be healthy, but. for me, when someone says that I look. healthy, it makes me want to spiral. The best-selling author and host. The number one health and wellness. podcast. with Jay Shetty. You said you actually ran away from home. when you were 17. Yes. What made you do that? Like, what did it. take for that to happen? So, I. I feel like I've always had like this. big ambition and this big dream in my.

head of what I want to do as a career, you know? I always dreamt about being in. California. I dreamt about being a. singer, you know, a huge artist. And. that wasn't something that was. understood or at least, you know, seen. as possible. in the town that I came from and my. family. And it was right as COVID hit, and I knew that I was either trapped and. stuck there and forced have to go to.

college and, you know, create a life. that I knew wasn't for me, or I would. just. do it for myself. And, you know, if I. didn't leave then, then I wouldn't be. there like here, where I am now. And so, it was really weird, but yeah, I wasn't. happy at home. I wasn't happy in New. Jersey. Um and I felt in my heart that. there was something that I had to do, and I booked a flight at like 1:00 a.m. that left for like 4:00 a.m. My parents. knew that I was going to run away, and. it was like this big chaos. And like the.

cops come, and it was like this whole. thing. Um and so, they stole and they. took all of my suitcases, everything. that I could use to leave. And so, I. found. I locked my door, and I found like all. of my old like school book bags and my. soccer bags cuz I used to play soccer. And I stuffed all of my things in like. these duffel bags and like school bags. And I'm lugging around like And I'm. small. I'm like 17, like 4'11, like. lugging around these huge bags and I got.

an Uber and. um yeah, I got on the flight and mhm. I've been here since. So, that's been. nearly 4 years now. That's insane. I. mean, how. did you as a 17-year-old have the. confidence and courage. to go, "No, I'm going to go all in on. this. I'm going to because that's you. know, I think a lot of young people. today, a lot of people listening, They. want to take risks. They want to try things out. They want. to follow their passion and they want to. pursue something that's a dream of. theirs, but I think most of us get. talked out of it or the doubt and the.

fear creeps in in our head of what if I. don't make it, what if it doesn't work. out. What was it for you that allowed. you to say, "No, I'm actually going to. have the courage and the confidence at. 17?" I still am not the type of person. and I never was to take a risk like. that. I struggled with really bad. anxiety and I. as a kid, like I did everything that I. was told, you know, I would never I. would follow the rules to a T and. something like that was absolutely. insane and looking back on it now, I.

feel like there was something out of. this world that kind of took like a toll. on me. Like it was a pretty like I don't. even know how to explain it, but I just. knew that I had to and I was scared. I. was terrified. I remember I had uh. there's no non-stop from Philly to. um LA at that time and so I stopped. somewhere and on like my connecting. flight freaking out, like having a panic. attack, but yeah, I just kept going, but. it was it was something that was very.

like unlike me and so I feel like I. don't know if it's like my higher power, anything like that and I just knew that. I was. uh that was something that I had to do, you know. How did you have the money? Like how Thank god. So, I. uh. before I was in LA, I actually uh this. is like such a weird story, but I. started off on social media. I feel like. a lot of people. know me as a social media person, even.

though that wasn't something that I. intended to be. I have social anxiety, so I feel like me being a social media. star isn't something that's, you know, fits the most with me and something that. I would ever want to do. But when social. media like Instagram and Tik Tok. became popular apps when I was young, I. never wanted to go on it. And I remember. being in high school like during lunch. and a bunch of my friends had it and. they made me make an account and post a.

video and I made one video and I. happened to accumulate a bunch of. followers off of that without me even, you know, trying to be an influencer. I. was just being a random teenage girl. posting as if any other girl would on. social media and. I gained a lot of followers for that and. it was really cool. It was awesome and I. had no money. No one in my family had money to just. buy a flight whenever they wanted, let.

alone live in California or be able to. get into like a music studio, you know? And so I honestly think I was truly. blessed with that opportunity because I. wouldn't still be able to leave and do. what I've always wanted to do and like. sing if I couldn't have the money first. and even the audience. It allowed me to, you know, go to LA and to get in a. studio and by the time I even had my. first song out, people already knew who. I was. So That's incredible. That's. incredible. What was your going back. with if you could think of a couple of. memories from your childhood that you.

feel. made you really find it to be so tough. for your teenage life to be so. challenging. What were those memories. for you that. you think spurred this desire to leave. and build your own life and and create. and kind of follow that higher power as. you said. What were those things that. happened to you specifically that you. think were dark and hellish in that. sense? Going up, uh it was very hard for me to have. friends. I struggled a lot in school and. with people my age. You know, I was.

someone that was never really fit in, uh. someone no one really understood. Left out of a lot of things, bullied to. an extent. Um and I. feel like that also drove me to want to. become better. Um and I believed my. entire life just being a good person. that will pay off. I feel like luckily it did. Um but even, you know, my home life wasn't the best. and seeing my my parents struggle.

uh with, you know, financially and. within themselves and uh with each. other, I feel like that really drove me. to. want to have a better life than what. anyone in my family had. It was really. hard going up and. I'm at a place now where I love my. parents so much um which came, you know, after a lot of healing. Um but I just. saw a lot and I just knew that I wanted. to be better than what I saw and I.

wanted to do better. And also too, it's. like where I'm from, I'm from a small. town. A 9-to-5 job and going to college, that wasn't something that was for me, something that I desired, something that. I was ever interested in. Um. I remember junior year I got in trouble. because I refused to apply to any. colleges. You know, I I knew that I had to do. something different. Was it you that. rekindled your relationship with your. parents or was it them? Like, how did. that come about? Because that's really.

wonderful to hear when that can happen. It's not possible for everyone, but how. how did that start? Yeah, well, I've. always had a rocky relationship with my. parents, uh but my mom, she's always my. mom. And I loved her dearly and always. will. And so, we've always had somewhat. of a relationship even when I ran away, which at the time me and my parents we. were not okay at all, which is why I ran. away. Um but uh yeah, I started doing. hypnotherapy maybe a little over a year. ago, if not a year ago. And that has.

been the one thing that has truly been. life-changing um and changed who I am as. a person. Because the whole idea of it. is that it reaches down in your. subconscious. And that's where all of your trauma is. stored, you know, even things that you. don't remember. And we worked through. everything that has affected me to this. day that I couldn't even tell you, you. know, that we were able to bring out. Um. and because of that I've been able to. talk to my dad that I didn't for years. and haven't since I ran away. I recently.

just visited them and went home for the. first time last week for the 4th of. July. I saw my little brother that I. haven't even met yet cuz he was born a. year ago. It's been really good. I feel. like because of how I grew up and. because of my childhood I've been very. independent and I've been that type of. person that was like I'm going to do. everything myself and I don't need. anyone. I never needed anyone. Um but. you know, coming out here by myself at. 17. being in this industry and having to do.

a lot, which does put a toll on you. mentally and and physically. Um and also. seeing people that are doing the same. thing as me. around my age having a family with them. Um at a certain point I kind of realized. how much family is important. No matter. what, you know, no matter how um bad. things have gotten in the past, family's. still family. And uh I've kind of prioritized that. recently. And I mean, I wouldn't be able. to do it with therapy, but it's been.

really nice to have a relationship that. I now have that I probably never ever. with them my entire life. That's. beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. It's so so wonderful to hear that you've. been able to reconnect in that way. What. do you think has been the hardest. thing about coming out here on your own, figuring it out? Like what's been the. biggest challenge with Hollywood, the. music industry, this industry as you mentioned? Like. what's been the most. difficult obstacle that you think you've. had to face? I think loneliness.

It's so weird how I would assume that. some people, you know, that see me and. see all that I've accomplished and all. of the people that. listen to my music and follow me, they. would think that that's something that I. wouldn't struggle with, but it kind of. makes me feel lonelier in a way. When I. go on tour, let's say, and I perform in. front of thousands of people and. I get off stage and I go back into. a hotel room by myself.

There's. not a single thing that could explain. how. empty and lonely that feels, you know, being in front of so many people that. love you and that you're connecting with. through music and then just going back. to have absolutely no one, you know, no one to talk to about it. Yeah, it's sad and I deal with things. daily, you know, all the time and. sometimes I don't have the people. that I can just, you know,

call, like my mom, you know, I can't. just have my mom that comes here and she. can like tell me everything's going to. be okay. And it does get scary and I. feel like I've always been very mature. for my age, but since being here, I've. matured a lot having to deal with. certain things in the industry, but. still at the same time I feel like I'm. still a kid at heart, you know, I I just. am only about to turn 21, which is crazy. to think about. But I don't know, I feel. like loneliness is something that I. struggle with. Um and it's very hard,

especially in LA and Hollywood and in. the industry to find the right people. that you can really trust and count on. I feel like I'm even lucky enough to say. that I found like probably four, you. know, the entire time I've been here, but you never know what people's. intentions are and. not everyone has the same heart as you, which I feel like I struggle with as. well. Yeah, it's it's so interesting how. artists I feel for years have struggled. with being on the road alone. And this.

year I got a glimpse for my first time. because I just went on a world tour. I'd. never done it before. I'm obviously a. lot older than you and I. was traveling from February 1st till up. about up until about two, three weeks. ago when I got home. And that was the longest I've ever been. on the road. And I just sat there and. just thought about all my clients or. friends that I have who are musicians. and people that I work with and I was. just sitting there thinking about how. hard this would be if I started doing.

this when I was 15 or 16 or 17 or 20. And I can totally see why it's so. challenging, but it feels like no one's. really found a way to make it easier, which is why you still see artists after. all this time canceling tours and. announcing that they need a break and. it's. Do you now see that as. natural that it is hard or do you. sometimes still. sometimes fall into the trap of like, oh, it's a weakness or it's something. about you or are you able to accept that.

this is just hard to do because I think. some people kind of go back and forth. They feel guilty that they find it that. challenging. I mean, I feel like it has. to be hard. With all the amazing things. that I've been blessed with doing what I. do, like there has to be things that. have to be difficult, you know? And I. don't mind, you know, struggling because. it it gives me something to talk about. and to write about. I mean, that's the. whole that's what my whole. music and everything that I'm about is. focused on is you know the things that I.

struggle with and I talk about them so. that I can help people in a way. It's. hard but I feel like I'd rather deal. with this, you know, and the struggles. that come with this than, you know, having to do something that I don't love. and, you know, be unhappy with my life. I think that's a great mindset. That's. incredible that you've been able to. grasp that idea. so young. I think that idea and I just. want to repeat it for everyone who's. listening because it's really powerful. You just said that.

the life you've chosen it comes with. stresses and challenges and issues but. you'd rather choose that life. Mhm. because it connects you to. something you love than the other life. which sometimes we think like there's a. path that has stress and there's a path. that won't have any. and that's just not true. Like both of. them have it whether you follow your. dreams or you don't follow your dreams, there'll be stress on both paths and. it's about choosing which one you'd. rather have. So it's incredible that. you've grasped that idea. I know that. you struggled with anorexia in the past. and then you had a relapse during your.

tour as well and I can't imagine just. how challenging that is. during a tour to to have that experience. again. Can you walk us through your. relationship with it and how you've been. able to try and navigate it and still. continue to pour out into your music and. connect with your fans and, you know, show up today to to talk about your. experience. It's not easy to do that. How have How have you done that? I talk a lot about mental health because. that's been something that I've.

struggled with since I was six and. uh my entire life I've never really. known or had a figure that has made me. feel like I'm understood and not alone. when it comes to things like that. Um. and I feel like fortunately now it's not. as taboo as it's always been. but I feel like for the past. um almost 2 years now, uh anorexia has. been uh one of my uh biggest mental. health struggles.

And I have made a song about it before, but. I made that song when I um was recovered. at the time, so I wasn't dealing with it. as hard. But, an eating disorder is. something that's. very personal and very hard to even. articulate yourself um because it takes. over your mind, and it's very different. for everyone else, and sometimes I shy. away from talking about it because.

I'm either embarrassed or I don't want. to admit that I'm struggling at the time. because it's a very toxic um disorder, or um it's very hard to talk about it. and not be triggering to others, which. gets difficult. Um and I still um. deal with it pretty bad to this day. I've been in talks about, you know, getting treatment and hopefully seeing. someone and finally getting help because.

as much as I tried to take time um to. focus on mental health when you really. need intensive treatment for something, and you know, to go away for 3 weeks, it's not that easy um when you're trying. to write an album, you know, and tour. Dealing with it on the road though was. pretty hard. Um. when I'm at home in LA, I live by. myself, and the only time I don't go. out, you know, I don't really I'm not. that much of a social person, so the. only time I leave my house is when I go.

to the studio and I make music. So, being alone, I feel like it's. it's hard to struggle with anorexia, but. it's easier because I'm alone and I. don't have to, you know, deal with. anyone around me or any triggers, um. and things like that, but being on tour, you know, constantly being around a. group of people where it is normal for. people to eat. That's a thing that has. to be done, you know, in order to live. So, to be around people that are. actually.

that don't struggle with it and are. taking care of their bodies and that. don't have to deal with body image and. then me also having to get on stage. in front of people every night where. it's like people are there to see me. Not only like the people that come to my. shows, but everyone else gets to see. them because people post videos. You. know, there's pictures and videos taken. at every angle. And no matter how much I feel safe and.

at home on stage, you know, performing. my songs and being with everyone that. relates to them, in the back of my head, when I'm struggling with my anorexia, all I can think about is how insecure I. am and how I might look and what people. might say or think and I've had a lot of. pretty dark. breakdown moments before stage where. I couldn't even see how I could get on. because I couldn't even figure out what.

to wear, you know, that would make me. feel comfortable. And when you're on the. road for how many weeks or months, you. don't have a huge option to, you know, to wear whatever you want. Like your. stage outfits are your stage outfits. The biggest struggle, I think, is just. the physicality part of it. Um. scientifically, to be able to get on. stage and have the energy to perform. for, you know, over an hour every night,

you have to have energy and energy comes. with eating and food and that was. something that I struggled with cuz. uh. touring and, you know, my music and all. this is so important to me. and it's really hard. to not let my eating disorder get in the. way of that. And so I would have to, uh, no matter how hard it was, but try and. sit as however long it takes me and. force myself to eat that way I could,

you know, get up on stage the next night. without being too tired or God forbid. passing out and, you know, not having. the energy that they came for, you know, because that's what it's important and. mentally too, it's like when I'm at a. really low point and struggling and not. eating for a while I'm not my best self, you know, I'm not giving off that energy. that makes people feel good around me. And I think that's kind of the saddest. part about it, you know, I want to be my.

best self always. And so it's hard. trying to find a balance, you know, and. figuring out. ways to help you, but also not make. things harder because the recovery. process with anorexia is probably the. hardest thing that I've ever dealt with. my entire life. Like I've been through. intensive trauma therapy with hypno, uh, for my BPD, but, you know, just trying.

to figure out how to have a comfortable. relationship with food itself is. something that. has been one of the hardest and scariest. things that I've ever done my entire 20. years of living. Uh, which is hard to. also do that, you know, during this time. of my life. Yeah, thank you for being so vulnerable. and open. I I really appreciate it. because. you know, that's. what I'm trying to create here is a safe. space where people can actually be seen.

and heard, yourself and then everyone. who's listening who's either struggling. with something similar or may love. someone who's going through something. like this, I can definitely testify that. getting on stage without a eating. disorder is hard enough Yeah. in and of. itself. Mhm. And so, having that extra layer of. worrying and being concerned and. even the energy, as you were saying, about even having the energy to perform. I remember just before I was going on. stage, like being present, I remember. how much presence I needed. I used to.

sleep really early, so to go on the. stage at 8:00 p.m., I'm like, it's. coming up on my bedtime in 2 hours. Like, how am I going to stay up without. pumping my body with sugar or anything. else? I want to stay up naturally. Yeah. And that's without any of the stuff. you're having to think about. So, I'm just empathizing and and listening. in to how what that challenge looks. like. What would you like people to know. about anorexia so that they're aware. because I feel that a lot of the times. these terms get normalized and we hear. them everywhere, but then we kind of.

become desensitized to it and people. aren't necessarily aware of how to deal. with their friend who's going through it. or sometimes someone's kid's going. through it. From your experience, not as. like it's the same experience for. everyone because we know it's not, from. your experience, what do you think it's. good for people to know if someone they. love or someone they know is going. through something like this or they. think they might be, what would be. useful for them? I think the first and. biggest thing is that not only with just. anorexia, but with all eating disorders,

it looks different on everyone. There's. not a look to it. Um and I feel like. it's so damaging when there's a common. idea or image, you know, of how someone. that is anorexic should look or how. someone that struggles with an eating. disorder should look. Um and they kind. of, you know, take that as to how sick. they are, which. uh that doesn't matter at all. Um. and I also feel like it's something. that, you know, but just it's impossible.

to understand. uh something like anorexia if you have. not gone through it before. Mhm. Because. I mean, to. uh even with me just saying what I. struggle with out loud and the whole. idea of it me being um obsessive and. scared over food and obsessive with. calories and terrified of weight gain. and a control thing and all the things. that I allow myself to believe, which. they're all lies, and how my brain.

processes things and all of that stuff, I know that it's not real and I know. that it's all lies, you know, and I know. it's absolutely delusional. Um but. that's still that's the disorder. That's. what happens. Um and so when you don't. struggle with that, you don't understand. that, you know? So I I have a lot of. people that, you know, have told me. before, you know, just eat, you know? Or. like people um will say things that they. think will help, but that's not. that's not the issue. Um you know, I.

think most importantly is just to. you know, with any mental health. disorder or anything like that, just. the best thing to do for someone is to. just give them love and support. Sometimes it's best not to. try too hard to give advice or to say. things that you think are going to help. because there are some things that, you. know, might. seem helpful and that you might have.

good intentions by saying, um but it. might trigger someone, you know, that's. dealing with it. For example, I know for me, and I feel like it might. be a common thing for a lot of people. that struggle with anorexia, the word. healthy to everyone is a great word. You. know, it's a positive word. Everyone. wants to be healthy, but for me, when. someone says that I look healthy, it. makes me want to spiral, you know? It. makes me go crazy because that's not a. word. that, you know, healthy to me I.

associate with something that, you know, Mhm. is not the best cuz unfortunately in my. brain. uh being called sick is something that. in a terrible and ugly way is something. that comforts me more than the word. healthy. Mhm. Which little things like. that I feel like is important for people. to know that want to be there for. someone that don't, you know, understand. It's like just have to be. wise and not walk shells but just be. more. sympathetic and understanding of what.

they could possibly be going through. even though you don't understand. It's. yeah, something to this day that I still. don't understand or get or um. I kind of struggle with even coming to. terms with the fact that I deal with it. because I'm now at the point where I'm. aware of how unhealthy it is but I still. can't process, you know, that it really. isn't um real cuz I'm still have that. eating disorder mind, you know. Um but.

yeah, I think just being. supportive and loving and dealing with. it with grace and patience. Um I feel. like that's a big thing. Uh everyone. wants who they love to be better and the. best that they can be and healthy and to. get help when they need it. Um but I. think sometimes people forget the fact. that getting help and recovery is. something that's very linear I'm not. linear. Um it's a long process, you.

know, and it takes time and something. like this I mean I've been rushed into. recovery before which led me into. a pretty terrible relapse, you know. It. takes time so you just have to be. patient with people that are struggling. and just give them as much love as you. can. I feel like love goes a long way. Yeah. Well, I think for what it's worth. your. awareness and how. eloquent you are in explaining at least. what you're experiencing is really. admirable. Thank you.

Honestly, like just hearing you. talk about it and reflect on it, your. awareness is is so high, which is an. incredible step in your journey. And I. think the advice you gave or the insight. you gave is really useful because. I think when we love someone, we think. we have to solve their problems and we. think we have to say the perfect thing. and we think we can fix it. And you're so right that. actually what we need to do is be. patient and supportive and loving and.

kind and just be there. Yeah. And we don't have to say the. perfect thing and we don't have to have. the perfect advice because we don't know. what it feels like. Yeah. And I think that that's really. useful for people to hear because we. think we're useless if we can't fix. someone's problems when we love them. And that And that person doesn't think. you're useless. That person actually. prefers if they just know you're there. Mhm. 100%. have to have the solution. One thing I loved when our teams first.

started talking about us sitting down. was your eight stages of a breakup, your. new music. Mhm. And I wrote a book. called eight rules of love Oh, yeah. this year. And so when that came up, I was like how. I wrote a book about love this year, which is why I was on tour. Mhm. And you wrote you've written music, you know, with the And I know on TikTok. I've been watching your videos of each. stage and each part. And. I find that, you know, you've you've had. two public breakups. It's never easy. Could you walk us through what you find. is different between a public breakup.

and a private breakup? Because I almost. feel like we don't really grasp that. again until you've lived it. And I'm. guessing you had breakups previously. that were not public potentially. What. are the differences? Like what do you. notice? Breakups in general or. absolutely the worst. Yeah, hard. Um. even though I feel like they're they're. very critical experiences that you have. to go through in life in order to grow, they suck. But. a public breakup, man. I.

it. just the fact that it's not, you know, just your close relatives and friends. that know about you and your. relationship. It's probably millions of people that. have kept up to date with, you know, your relationship and I've been so. invested and very like fixated on it and. even when it comes to. the media today, anything that happens, even when it's not a breakup, drama is.

entertainment, you know? Um people love. to talk, people love to speculate. Um. and so. dealing with public breakups, I feel. like all the drama that has to come with. it, which I feel like is very. unnecessary and causes a lot more um. pain and hurt uh to the people that are. actually going through it. You know, that doesn't help. Um but it's like. when I'm dealing. with the grief of a relationship and. losing someone that I loved so dearly.

and then. also on top of that having to deal with. hundreds of thousands of people talking. about it as well, saying things that. aren't true, you know, saying things. that are hurtful, um putting their two cents in it, being very um insensitive towards the. whole thing, you know, not really. understanding because people don't. understand that, you know, people in the public eye could possibly. be,

you know, actually human with actual. lives and like emotions when they see. whatever, you know, I let them on to see. because I, you know, am like a public. figure. Um I feel like they kind of take that. as, "Oh, this is that's her life, you. know, that's all that they are." But. behind closed doors, it's like I'm I. deal with it, you know, the depth of. life as just as anyone else would. Um, and so a relationship and a breakup. for me is just as real as love is for. anyone else. And I feel like people.

forget that. So, I feel like that's hard. with having to deal with everyone's. opinions and comments and. all the stuff. that comes with that. But as well as. non-stop constantly seeing, you know, pictures or videos and videos, like you. know, just anything about me and my past. relationship and like all of that stuff. You like. when, you know, growing up in high. school when I first had my boyfriend and. and everyone started getting in like.

relationships, like it was like a rule. like when you break up with someone, like you delete their number, like you. unfollow them on Instagram, like you. don't look at them, you don't talk to. them, like you don't hang out with them, like it's like a how do I say, out of. mind type thing, you know, it helps you. get a you need that period where it's. like they're gone, you know, and you get. get over them easier. Well, like. it's impossible for me. It's everywhere. And so, I feel like that's hard, you. know, that constantly being brought up. I mean, how could you expect anyone to.

properly move on and get over a. relationship that was so deep and. intense when it's constantly talked. about, constantly brought up in my life. Um, it's hard not to mention I have a. song with one of my exes, which is, uh, you know, it's just it's kind of. it's so different. It's it's so. different and um, yeah, I feel like a. you know, regular breakup through having. to deal with, uh, a breakup with the. public is always going to be. uh, hard and.

you know, they're both hard, but I feel. like. having the media involved is 100% a lot. more difficult. Yeah. How did you come. up with the eight stages of a breakup? Oh my god, this is so funny. Um but I. was listening to. um. So, a lot of the times I'm very. intentional and I I. I'm very thought out when it comes to. every little thing that I do, especially. with music. Um but this. this whole eight stages of a heartbreak.

and breakup thing actually came after it. was done. Um I was listening from top to. bottom through my entire EP after it was. mixed and mastered and I was kind of. like, you know what? This is kind of like going through like. all eight stages of a breakup cuz I was. like, instead of the seven stages of. grief, like this is like eight stages. cuz there's eight songs of a breakup and. like the grief of a relationship. And.

I was with my team and they were like, "Woah, it's kind of it's kind of cool.". And I was like, "Yeah." And so it all. makes sense. Sometimes. um I plan things out before, sometimes. things just magically fall into place. and make sense after. Um but yeah. I I love it. I I I love it. I think I think when we start. recognizing there's stages and phases to. anything. Oh, yeah. it helps us so much as humans. where we realize it's not just all one. big thing. Mhm. There's actually changes. in how we feel. What's the What have you.

found to be the hardest stage in a. breakup for you personally or like. what's what's the stage that you find. the most challenging? I feel like. they're all really hard, but I feel like. the the one I think that I. I call this one the desperate stage. Um and I just made a video about it cuz. I have the song called motel [ __ ] Mhm. and I was like, this one represents the. desperate stage of a breakup and it's. it's kind of like that bargaining stage. where you just try and do whatever you. can to get that person back in your life.

no matter what cost and like however you. can. So, yeah, it's when like you break. up with them, and then. you're at the point where it's like you. just want them in your life that you're. willing to do whatever it is to keep. them in your life somehow, even though. it hurts you because you know the way. that you want them in your life is the. way that you had them before in that. relationship, but now it's like it's not. that, and so you kind of end up hurting. yourself more because you're, you know, putting yourself back in that place, but. also knowing that like you're going to.

end up leaving heartbroken again, cuz. it's a lot harder when, you know, you. try and be with that person, whether. it's like friends or. just like hooking up or any of that. stuff when there's like actual real love. and connection on your part still, but. it's like when you try to convince. yourself like, oh, like this is going to. get them back. Like our relationship's. going to be like, you know, how it was. before, but. it doesn't happen, and then it crushes. you even more. Um I feel like that's the. hardest stage when you just become very. desperate for any ounce of attention.

that you can get from that person, um. because it ends up breaking your heart. even more, you know? You didn't You. could skip that stage, and you know, fully like lead on the path of healing. the way that you should, but I think. that's like the one stage where we kind. of like trip up the stairs and we're. like, oh god, yeah, we made it harder for. ourselves. Yeah, that's well said. I I. couldn't agree more. That That really. resonates because I think we're living. in that dream of like what it could have. been and what it should be and like.

they must love me, and it's I'm going to. get it back, and I'm going to win them. over, and I mean, we waste so much time. in that. What do you think's like the. longest stage? What stage do you think. you spend the most time in when you. break up with someone, where you're just. like so much energy gets sucked out in. being lost at a stage? Trying to recover. from the codependency part. Um. because I mean, when you're in a. relationship, I know I get so codependent on someone, you know? That's the person that you.

have always, you know? You There's. something that you go through, like you. have that one person that you can talk. to, cry to. They're always there for. you. Um they become your comfort, you know? That's your safe place. And then when. the relationship's over, it's like you. don't have that. You're left on your. own. I feel like that was the longest. stage for me to get over because I was. so used to being so codependent on. someone and. you know, having that comfort. When it's.

all gone, every time that I dealt with. something that was hard for me, every. time that I got upset, every time I felt. so alone, I couldn't help but want and. like crave that person because I was. used to having them during those times. And trying to escape from the. codependency and learning how to love. yourself and enjoy your own company and. uh even just like coming to terms with. the fact that like you can be that. person for yourself, you know? And that. you don't need anyone. Um I feel like.

that's the longest process, 100%. You're. You're so right. What What helped you. personally in both those stages? So, let's go back to the first stage, that stage of like I'm desperate. I'll. do anything to get them back. Like, you. know, you said that was the hardest. stage. Like, what helped you in your. life. break through that stage? Because you're. so right, it is the hardest because it's. the one where we have the most hope. Mhm. But it's false hope. And it's the. one where we also are living the most in. dreamland in our minds. Mhm. So, it's so.

hard when that picture crumbles. Yeah. What have you done? What's really worked. for you? I think therapy was a big thing for me. And. uh. uh there was a moment where during that. time where I fully took the step to. almost fully isolate myself. Where I was. only focused on myself and my healing. and my music and things that made me. happy and I spent that time really. trying to figure out, you know, who I am.

as a person and the things that I love. and the things that help me and so it. kind of like. you know, that like point of. relationship where like you start to. like understand and like know that like. person that you're with, you know, and. you get closer with them. It's like that. very beginning. It was kind of like I. started to go through that with myself. and so it kind of. took me away from. having to, you know, really struggle. with the. um the breakup. I feel like you just got.

to fake it until you make it and just. force yourself. And there's always going. to be days. I mean like I thought there. was like a day where I was like fine and. then two seconds later I see something. and I'm balling my eyes out, you know. And even like randomly like, you know, months later I'm fully moved on, but. I'll still get sad over things because. like love is such a strong feeling that. never goes away no matter like what. happens or how things ended and, you.

know, any of that. Like if you ever had. true love for that person, you're always. going to love them. It was always hard, but I think the second that I really. started to prioritize myself and to. really just like focus on myself and. fixate on that rather than how much I. miss that person. and helped. Yeah, that's yeah, that's. really. I hope I hope this is going to help. people. I hope it sits with people. But. you're right, it's just almost like you. got to push through sometimes. It's not. going to be easy. It's not going to make.

sense, but. when you're in that longest phase and. it's just getting drawn out, how do you. even keep hope? And how do you even keep. faith that I can have love again and. that I do deserve to be loved because I. think in that longest phase is where a. lot of people get so broken down. that they're like, "I'm not lovable.". Yeah. "I'm not likable. I'm not worthy. I'm not attractive. I'm not smart.". Whatever it may be that that person made. me feel. Mhm. Now it's like I can't be.

all of those things because it's that. stage is drawn out so much that it beats. up your self-esteem. Does that make sense? Uh no, that was. something that I struggled with. for the longest time and I think that. the the more that you keep yourself in. that minds- like mindset, the harder. it's going to be to get out of that. because. yeah, of of course. I mean, like when. you start kind of like tearing yourself. down and thinking about, you know, how. difficult it is to find love again and.

that you you won't because no one's ever. going to love you and all that stuff and. you're you're worthless and. everything that comes with that, it's. going to keep you away from doing the. proper healing and to actually want to. heal. Because if you have that mindset, then it's like, "What's the point of. healing, you know, and getting better?". I realized I got to a point where. I was like, "Yeah, I'm never going to. fall in love again or no one's ever. going to love me." And then I got to the.

point where. I was like, "You know what? I don't. care. I don't care to ever have a. relationship. Like I'm fine." Because. every relationship, I mean, and there's probably going to be a few. trial and error ones until you find the. person that you like really end up being. with, you know? And so it's no guarantee. that the next one that I get like in a. relationship with is going to be the. one, which would, you know, most likely. end up in a heartbreak that in that. moment I'm like, "I cannot afford to go. through again." So I don't even care to, you know, be in a relationship or find.

love again. Um but then in therapy I. realized that it's that's not going to. change unless you love yourself. I feel like loving yourself is like the. biggest thing and like the most. important thing and I feel like everyone. kind of neglects that because it's like. it seems like something that's just not. not like unnecessary but we overlook it. because like we are you know who we are. and we give love to everyone around us.

because like that's life you know but I. feel like a lot of the times we forget. to look internally and the only way that. you can give things to people is if you. already have it within you and when I. realized that even if like I want to be. in a relationship and I want someone and. I want to be in love I'm probably not. capable to love someone as best as I can. because I can't even love myself and I. don't right now. Um and so yeah I feel. like as soon as you just work on that. self-love.

Mhm. that's when things start being. easier because then you also get out of. that mindset where you're like you don't. really need anyone you know. Um and you. couldn't be okay with you know not. having to look you know and constantly. like think about um wanting a. relationship or like finding that person. to be with and you can just like spend. you know nights alone without having to. cry about it or wish that there was. someone with you. Um but yeah self-love I feel like is the.

the key. How do you find things or have. you found things that you love about. yourself because I think we live in a. society that makes us love ourselves. because other people love us. So it's. like if someone thinks you are. attractive then you think oh yeah I'm. attractive this is like this is good or. if someone thinks you're really smart. then you're like oh yeah they think I'm. smart so now I'm smart like so much of. our self-value Mhm. weirdly is placed on. other people valuing us. How have you. found things to really love about.

yourself because. I I agree with you fully but how do you. go that step further to be like I really. love this about myself even if no one. else sees it. I could never understand. the things that I could possibly love. about myself until the moment that I. thought about my younger self. Because. that's still me, you know? The second that I started, you know, looking back on the person that I used. to be and. you know, even just like 6-year-old me, um.

I started to think about all the things. that she would be so happy and proud of. that I've done, you know, today. That's. when I started to, you know, find things. that I actually could. feel, you know, love for myself with and. to feel proud of myself uh for and all. of those things. And then, I don't know, and then sometimes you just kind of have. to dig a little bit deeper because. I feel like self-love is a lot less.

superficial than um. you know, any other love could possibly. be. Um and it has to be really deep. because it's like. you know who you are as a person to the. deepest core more than anyone else. could, more than you can know other. people in order to love them. So, I feel. like that's why it's tricky for us to. love like ourselves. because we know the ins and outs of us. and the worst parts of us and the. ugliest parts, and so and we're our.

worst critics. So, I feel like that's the hardest thing, but yeah, when I when I thought about it. and I'm like, okay, well, I've been able. to do the things that I did, which I. never thought I was able to. Like, that's something that I should be proud. of. Um. the things that I've gone through, um that I never thought that I could. make it out of and my strength, like. that's something that I should love. myself for. um and just have compassion for myself. for. Um even just the fact that like at the.

end of the day, no matter all of the. things that I've been through and no. matter. like how bad people have treated me, like the fact that I'm still a good. person and I still have a good heart and. I know that, you know, more than anyone. else could, that's the reason why I. should love myself, you know? Um so, I. feel like it's just like little things. and I feel like it's just very important. to just like sit down and really just. like analyze yourself and to.

you know, just take time to like. understand. um you, which I feel like is something. that I I just learned how to do, but. it's like it's really nice. Everyone. who's listening, I want you to take a. screenshot right now and I want you to. listen to that part that Nessa just said. again and again and again. It can even. put you to sleep. Like, it's so. brilliant because everything you just. said, that literally the last 30. seconds, I promise you, if you just. listen to the last 30 seconds again and. again and again, the point will become so clear because.

what you just said sums up an idea that. I I really believe in. I believe that. self-care comes from comfort, but. self-respect comes from discomfort. And. you just said that when you look back at. all the things you've been through and. all the things you survived and all the. things you've done, that's what makes. you love yourself. And I believe that. everyone who's listening or watching. today, they've all been through hard. things. Everyone Everyone's been through. some sort of difficulty in their life.

They're still alive, they're still. breathing, they're still held onto their. good heart, they're still a good person, and that's what you really want to love. yourself for. And when you learn to love. yourself for that, you realize no one. ever gave you that and no one can take. it away. Exactly. And it's yours. Whereas all the other. things, they'll come and go and people. will change their mind, but this is. something that's forever yours. And so, you just summed it up really beautifully. and I I love the way you said it. I hope. people will, honestly I mean that just. repeat it again and again because it's.

just re-wiring our thoughts to be like. that's why I'm valuable. I'm not. valuable because of all these other. things that that people are saying. One. thing you do that I love, you do a burn. box on stage. Mhm. where you get fans to write. messages. Mhm. and then you burn them. Mhm. That is so cool. I love that. That's the dopest thing I've ever heard. of. I was like we need to do that in my. next show. Where did that ritual come from? Walk me. through or did you used to do that. yourself? Was that something you. invented for the community? Like what.

tell me where that came from because I. love that. When I when I saw that I was. like this is amazing. Thank you. Um well, the thing about my music is. that it's very. it's very deep and meaningful and I talk. a lot about mental health and I know. that a lot of the people that come to my. shows are there because they have. struggled and they relate deeply to my. songs, you know, it's not just Um I. never want my shows and my tour to just. be a show where it's you know, just me.

playing, you know, their favorite songs. Like I want this to be like. not like a a therapy session but like a. a healing, you know, moment for everyone. like a bonding moment. Something that's. really real. Something that they can. walk away from and not only just. remember the music but the feeling um. that they've gotten from it and I also. wanted to do something that was. interactive and helpful and healing the. same way and I thought that doing a burn.

box could be cool. and it was also kind of the easiest. thing that we could, you know, execute. for my show like at the time but um I. mean like what better. like interactive thing to do like on. stage than to have you know, a bunch of. my fans that are coming to the show and. write on a little piece of paper things. that they're struggling with, they want. to let go of, get off their chest, and just like let, you know, just not. bottle up anymore and just like.

get off their chest, write it down. anonymously, put it in this burn box, and then watch it being burned on stage. You know, I feel like that there's. something so. powerful about that, and. um I'm so glad that we did it because it. was it was, you know, most of their like. favorite parts of the entire show, and. it's helped a lot of people, and. um. I even like I've seen like people in the. crowd they cry before while I'm burning. it, and it's just like that's what like.

makes that's what makes my day, and. that's what motivates me to, you know, even do the show and to like do what I'm. doing now because like that's the reason. why I'm doing it, and it's just so pure, um and heartwarming just to see like how. something like that, you know, that I. thought could be like a little fun like. it could actually like affect them like. on a deep level. Um but yeah. Yeah, well it I mean it. seems like all your music and all the. work you're doing is so healing-focused.

Seems like you're doing so much. self-healing. It seems like the work you. want your community to do is healing. I. think it's I mean I think it's a genius. idea to do on stage. It's I think it's. such a beautiful thing to have rituals. that communities, your audience can come. and do together, and I can only imagine. the incredible experience people are. having. You said that was the easiest. thing you could do at this stage. What's. like the craziest thing you want to do. that you think would be super healing. for everyone? You have like a vision for. it? Um You don't have to. I was just. wondering if there's something else that. I've had like some like pretty.

crazy ideas. Um let me try and think. I. just want to do like a lot. Like I I. know that there's like certain songs. that like I've I'd love to just like be. able to get certain people. from the crowd that really resonate or. are struggling with something that has. to do with that song and like bring them. up and you know, have a moment with. them. I would also love like a point where I, you know, ever have like a big enough.

show where I can like actually have, you. know, some my fans, you know, tell their. stories cuz I think it's just as. important for uh me to have a voice as. it is for them, you know? Cuz I've said this before, it's like I. kind of use my music to be the voice for. the voiceless. And so when I get to a point where I can. um do whatever the heck I want on stage, like I I want to give them their voice, you know? I want them to have the mic. and I want them to say whatever they. feel the need to. But yeah, I don't.

know. I feel like there's so many like. cool things to do, but the Bren Box is. just like so awesome and it also was. like very disappointing for the some. venues that I couldn't do it in cuz it. was a safety hazard. But yeah, and I also love fire. I think. fire is fun, too, so. No, I love the interactive element. Even. in my show, we did a ton of interactive. stuff. I set people up on first dates on. stage. it. Uh I had uh what else do we do? I. locked people in a cave for 15 minutes. so they had spend time alone without. their phone. Oh my god. Uh we were doing this all on.

stage. Like it was and I love that. interactive element because I agree with. you completely that people need to feel. and experience this. It's not just like. some idea. And you're right that people. really do have a letting go releasing. energy in the room when everyone's doing. it together. So I'm excited to see what. you do next. Like that's that's that's. brilliant. I think combining music and. that sort of a healing experience is. super unique and really powerful. So I. I'm excited for you to. have bigger audiences, bigger venues and.

all of all of that to come to you. All. of that to happen. One one thing that. comes to mind for me when we're talking. about all of this with you is just. you've done so much at such a young age. It seems like you're navigating it and. and and doing it in the best way you. possibly can with getting the help and. reconnecting with your family, doing. therapy. I mean, I'm so happy that. you've been supported this young and you. found that support because. I either meet people who've been around. in the industry for decades and they've.

just found support or I meet people. who are young and kind of. really gone off on a different path and. there's very few people. your age who I think have have found. that and that's really incredible to. see. What do you think that young. artists need in order to be supported in. in their journey of being a musician, an. actor, an actress, or whatever it may. be. What What do you think would be. really useful for them for people who. are aspiring because I think everyone.

would want Everyone from the outside. would look at your life and be like, I. want that. I want to be that. What do you think they should be aware. of in their journey and pursuit. that could help them? I think that the. biggest advice and the biggest thing. that has helped me and that I could tell. anyone is. to be very vocal and honest and open and. vulnerable, you know, to the closest. people around you, to your team, to the. people that you trust because I think. that's how I was able to create such a.

stable support system around me from the. beginning. um because, you know, it everyone knows. the type of music that I talk about and. everyone knows that I actually struggle. with it as well and so I feel like. that's why. um it's. me being so open and honest about you. know, the things that I struggle with. and my needs and the things that I need. help with. I think that's uh helped me.

be able to continue this because there's. other people that are aware and in. support of that as well. And I think. like even if people don't really. struggle with anyone, just being honest. and yourself and never losing sight of. that, I feel like I've even had moments. where I've almost lost myself in this. cuz it's so easy to get influenced into. try and figure out, you know, what. who's the person that people want you to. be and who what's the type of music or,

you know, anything like that that people. want from you. Um but that's not going. to do anything but hurt you and your. career and um I was just I had like a. conversation like not too long ago where. it's like yeah, like my dream and my. goal is to be like one of the biggest. artists ever. Of course, that's like. what I'm doing this for. But I'm not. never in my entire life going to sit. down and release a song that I know is a. hit or to go and write a song that I.

know is a hit that doesn't feel like me. as an artist and isn't something that I. relate to, just so that, you know, it'll, you know, give me a step up in. the career and maybe like. you know, create this like skyrocket. process for me because it is a hit, you. know, and it's something that would be. good in the industry. I'd rather. build whatever I can by being myself. because that's more. it's more like I'd feel more proud doing.

that and accomplishing things just being. myself and. you know, saying the things that I want. to say and being real. I feel like that. means the world to me more than just, you know, being an artist and releasing. hits and being a person that, you know, it's I feel like it's just the easy way. out a little bit. But um. I feel like because of how I started. this and how I continue uh to do all of. this is what's going to make me be able. to do it for the rest of my life because. I'm I'm going to get like trapped in.

this like facade or this uh crazy head. space. It's like. everyone knows me who I am and. this music. helps me and probably just as much as it. helps everyone out there. And so I feel. very fortunate for that. So yeah, anyone. that is inspiring to do this or needs. any the advice, I would just say to be. themselves. Nessa, that's incredible. Yeah, I I you are you are definitely. wise beyond your years and Yeah. uh your.

I I wish you all the best from the. bottom of my heart. Like, you know, for. everything you just said. I I think we. need more art in the world that is made. from a place of healing in order to help. people. It can still be fun and exciting. and interactive and entertaining and all. of that. Mhm. But it but it's made from that. deeper place which I feel like you're. definitely trying to channel. We end. every episode of On Purpose with the. final five. Yeah. These are the fast. five. The questions have to be answered. in one word to one sentence maximum. However, when I get intrigued, I always. go off.

record, which is fine. We'll do We'll do. that. So, Nessa, these are your final. five. The first question is what is the. best advice you've ever heard or. received? Let go and let God. So, yeah, that's 100% the best advice. ever. Beautiful. All right, question. two. What's the worst advice you've ever. heard or received? Text him. All right, go on. Tell me more. Tell me. more. Um you know, if you're just like in your. head about like an an ex or anything.

like that. And someone tells you, you know what, just text him. Do not listen. Do not, you know? I feel like there's a lot of. advice that kind of just enables your. bad habits. Just try to stay away from that. Got it. Great Great advice. So, I've got I'm. going to ask you I've I'm going to go up. slightly off piste here cuz I think you. might have some good advice for people. Let's say I have a hypothetical friend. I mean, it's a real friend, but let's. say I have a friend who. is around your age. Yeah. and she.

deals with people pleasing. Mhm. She. becomes friends with guys who actually. want to get with her. Mhm. But then. she doesn't like them in that way. Mhm. But then she feels bad to tell them. that. Mhm. What should she do in that. scenario? Why are you laughing? I never There's. something going on. Cuz I was like this reminds me so much. of myself. All right. Oh, that's so funny. Great. So, what advice What advice would you. give to my friend? It's a real story. So, I'm like actually asking. When she.

listens to this, she's going to be like, "Jay, how did you put me out like that?". I think boundaries is like the biggest. advice. And I feel like when you are. people pleaser and you're a very nice. person like at the core and um. you only see like the good in people and. you can't really like you It's easy to. like It's. It's easy to ignore any red flags. I. feel like um. It just try and set as many boundaries. as yourself and just like protect. yourself and. just be cautious. I feel like just being.

cautious is the biggest thing because. there are sticky situations that you can. get into just because you're genuinely a. nice person um and everyone has. different intentions than you. Um so, I. think. slow being slow and steady and and. cautious. Okay. Great. And yeah. I don't know. Sometimes it's hard for me to give. advice when like I'm like I don't even. know what. That's why I'm asking. That's why I'm. asking. Yeah, I want to know what you. would do. Uh question number three, what. keeps you up at night? Honestly, anything.

Anything and everything. I I could think. about, you know, certain situations that. are happening in my personal life or. uh you know, I. I get paranoid and I have like anxiety. about like with my family cuz they're so. far from me now. Um or I just start. thinking about deep things like God and. the universe and aliens and weird stuff. like that and if I'm even human. Um but yeah, I think anything. keeps me up at night in a weird way. Um.

the even sometimes like songwriting. I. feel like I've stayed up for hours. before trying to write a song absolutely. goes nowhere. I love it. Question number four. If someone needs to break up with. someone, what is your best advice to the. person doing the breaking up? Sit them. down and have a really nice respectful. conversation about it and be as vocal. and honest as you can and still have. compassion and not try to let things get.

fired up or also stand your ground. because if you already want to break up. with them, don't let them convince you. otherwise and do so without cheating or. being disloyal because it is not nice. Um I have this song that I wrote. recently that was. uh it's called leave me better than you. found me. And so it's kind of like. that's like my whole um thing like about. breakups. It's like if you're going to. break up with someone like don't do all. of the. the yelling and the arguments and the.

cheating and the slamming the door. before you leave at like when you break. up like literally just have it be like a. nice mature open conversation and like. you know, have it be a kiss goodbye. rather than like a slam to the door out. type thing, you know, uh don't cause any. more trouble uh trouble and like pain. than like you. you know, you need to. Yeah. Great. advice. Great advice. There we go. All. right. Fifth and final question. Uh we. ask this to every guest who's ever been. on the show. If you could create one law.

that everyone in the world had to. follow, what would it be? Okay, this one seems so like stupid. This is the first thing that came up. in my head, but I think that if there. was a law. that where. if like you had to. I feel like I'm going to sound like so. like cringe and like cliche doing this, but like if you see someone like in. public that's like. very like obviously going through it and.

like crying and like in pain like. give them a hug. Give them like love. I. feel like that is something that should. be a law. I feel like nowadays there's. so much hatred and um separation in the. world. I feel like we just need a lot. more love. So if there was a law that. was like if you see someone that needs. it, give them love and give them a hug. I feel like that would make the world a. lot more of a better place. That's. awesome. I love it. Nessa, everyone, Hell is a teenage girl music is out.

right now. Uh I hope anyone who's going. through a breakup, been through a tough. breakup, just wants to have good energy. and good healing in their life should go. listen to the music. I know that I'll be. recommending it to everyone. Uh Nessa, I'm just so grateful to you for. you know, even just talking to you has. been so peaceful, so calming. And and. what's really wonderful is hearing. someone who's obviously been through so. much but able to express it in a really. coherent way. That's not easy. Like. that's really tough. And and to hear.

about all the work that you're doing on. yourself and the therapy and the. hypnotherapy and just reflecting and. making music and expressing your art. All of that is just I really appreciate. it and it's it's wonderful to see and. thank you so much for all the hard work. you're doing for yourself and then to. share it with others as well. But even. just hearing you speak, I'm like, I hope. everyone just listens to this episode on. repeat because they're going to get so. much out of it. But Nessa, thank you so. much. Everyone who's been listening or. watching, whether you're walking your. dog, whether you're cooking, whether. you're at the gym, whether you're.

driving, whatever you're doing, make. sure you tag Nessa and I on TikTok, on. Instagram, on Threads, on Twitter, on. any platform you're using letting us. know what stood out to you, what stuck. out to you, what you're practicing, what. moments you're re-listening to. I love. seeing what resonates with you. Maybe. you're going to do your own burn box at. home safely. Uh, thank you so much for listening and. watching. A huge thanks to NASA for. being here. And thank you so much. That. was awesome. Thank you. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy. my conversation with Meghan Trainor on.

breaking generational trauma and how to. be confident from the inside out. My therapist told me stand in the mirror. naked for 5 minutes. It was already. tough for me to love my body, but after. the C-section scar with all the stretch. marks, now I'm looking at myself like. I've been hacked. But day three when I. did it, I was like, you know what? Her. thighs are cute.