Mel Robbins ON: If You STRUGGLE With Stress & Anxiety, This Will CHANGE Your Life! | Jay Shetty

the purpose of going for a hike. ironically is not to get to the top it's. to be on the trail if you focus on the. freaking Trail whatever step you're on. and you keep reminding yourself this is. going to lead me somewhere that is where. the meaning comes in your life because. the bestselling author and host the. number one Health and Wellness podcast. on purpose with J. shett hey everyone welcome back to onp. purpose the number one Health podcast in. the world thanks to each and every one. of you that come back every week to. listen Learn and Grow now today's guest.

is someone who's been on once before and. when she came on last time you exploded. the community was showing the love. feeling the love and the feedback and. response was incredible that I've been. wanting her to come back on and we were. waiting to announce she's got a brand. new podcast out herself so if you don't. already listen to her show I'll announce. it in a second uh please go and. subscribe uh it's already crushing it. it's going to be absolutely huge uh and. I know you're going to love it I'm. speaking about the one and only Mel.

Robbins who became one of the most. trusted experts in the world on. confidence and motivation the hard way. by first screwing up her own life as one. of the most widely booked and followed. podcast host and authors in the world. Mel is sought after by the world's. leading Brands and medical professionals. for her research back tools and. motivation at the same time Mel am mased. millions of followers online with her. advice going viral every day pretty much. Mel is a New York Times bestselling. author and self- publishing Phenom and.

her work includes the high five habit. the 5sec rule and the number one ranking. the Mel Robins podcast that's the one. that you have to sub subscribe to Mel's. female Le Media Company produces. provocative life-changing content with. millions of books sold billions of video. views six number one audio books and one. of the most viewed tedx talks in the. world Mel's work has been translated. into 41 languages and has changed the. lives of mil milons of people worldwide.

and on top of all of this Mel is one of. my dearest friends we bumped into each. other last week in Montreal where we. were both giving Keynotes it was around. 10 p.m. and I get this text saying I. heard you in monol I said I still am and. we hung out for like a couple of hours. at the end of the day uh I I love this. human I believe in everything she says. and does she lives it all she is the. same off screen as she is on screen uh. please welcome to my welcome to the show. my dear friend uh an incredible Mel.

Robin's mouth oh my God can I just hug. you yeah of course you can I just hug. you oh my God oh my gosh I just love you. J love you too love you too I I just you. know we've the best I think we've you. know whenever we've connected the first. time we met I was thinking about that. last week in monreal the first time we. met we were also both speaking and we. spent an evening together then and just. hit it off and I appreciate it that was. like four years ago now so yeah you know.

I think we've all had this experience. where you've been at a bar or you've. been at a big party and you look across. a room and your eyes meet somebody and. it's like immediate like uh tractor beam. electric pull I felt that way about you. for a long time just by watching what. you were putting out on social media and. so I had had a brain and soul crush on. you for a long time and so when we met.

it was like oh my God so and you know. what also I love is that I love like I. get both you and your amazing wife I. love that you are decades younger than. me and very creative and here's what. else I love about you I consider you not. only a very dear friend but my own. personal monk there you have. it I love it I love it just put me in. your pocket pocket right there uh but. Mel I'm so excited to talk to today.

literally the last time you came on it. was unbelievable and I've genuinely been. wanting wanting to have you back on like. as much as you want to come back uh but. I know there's a few things we want to. talk about today and I wanted to start. off with this idea that you've always. talked about how you learned about. things the hard way there were always. challenges and even now when we talk. offline we shared that even last week we. were talking about challenges we were. both going through in in building this. opportunity to serve others and and I. wanted to ask ask you like what do you.

think is the hardest thing you're. working on right now like what's the. most challenging thing you're working on. internally or externally could be. creatively it could be habit wise what. is what is something that you're. struggling with or grappling with that. you're working through happiness wow. okay yeah happiness it's interesting I. was um getting ready to come over here. this morning and so I my daughter goes. to school here uh at the Thorton school. for music she's a senior and she spent.

the night with me last night I'm going. to tell you the story cuz it's relevant. about both learning things the hard way. and about happiness so she slept in my. bed with me last night and it was so. awesome and I just love her and she's 22. and she's about to like burst into the. next chapter of her life it is so. exciting and I miss her terribly. terribly and I oh I'm I'm going to get.

like totally choked up when I think. about it cuz I live on the other side of. the country and I think one of the. hardest things that you have to do in. life if you really love somebody is to. encourage them to leave to encourage. them to. grow and um I can't believe how choked. up I'm getting about this because I mean. this just happened this morning and I. was laying in bed and she's sound asleep. you know like sprawled out like most 22. year-old sleep and sweating and you know. just like this and I thought oh I want. to take a picture of this moment and.

then I thought no she's going to kill me. cuz she looks terrible and you know how. that rolls when you're 20 years old and. so I closed my eyes to just capture the. memory and I. thought why is it that I am always. gripping onto the thing that makes me. unhappy what is it about this campaign I. call it the campaign of misery like. instead of f focusing on the fact that.

here I am first of all lucky enough to. be in Los Angeles to be able to have the. means to go see her for parents weeken. that I have a relationship with her. where she would want to come and just. snuggle up and spend the night that she. is pursuing her passion and dream of. being a singer songwriter that she is. just killing it she's happy why am I. always defaulting to the loss MH and so. when I say that I working on.

happiness what I've realized about. myself Jay is that I have done a lot of. things in life but I've spent the vast. majority of my life being so busy and. keeping myself so busy as a means to. outrun I think a deep-seated. unhappiness and that when the pandemic. hit and I had to slow down and I had to. truly say to myself okay you can't go. anywhere you cannot regulate your.

anxiety by running to Target you can't. catch a plane you can't you like it's. you and your like you and yourself right. now Mel and all the coping mechanisms. that you used to have that distracted. you from the fact that you're just not. that happy they're not there anymore and. unless I want to drink myself into the. ground which I don't and numb it or hit. the vape pen or take a g like unless I. want to numb it I got to deal with it. and so I've spent the last two years and.

I continue to focus right now on the. number one goal that I have which is to. learn how to be happy and content. wherever I am and so this morning is the. perfect example of catching this. profound sadness which is part of The. Human Experience deeply missing somebody. is also about loving them right and. noticing that I was going into the. negative and part of being being content.

and being happy wherever I am is not. trying to fix things it's being okay. with things it's allowing the emotion to. rise up and then noticing that there's a. different way to feel and so in that. moment I just am doing what I'm doing a. lot of which is just breathing through. those deep moments where I'm like why am. I complaining about this this so stupid. why am I obsessing about this thing. tomorrow and I'm not even here right now. and reframing things in in a more.

positive way and this might surprise. people cuz I I am a very positive person. I am a very optimistic person but when I. really slow. down my mind runs a million miles an. hour and normally it's 15 steps ahead. which means I'm never content where I am. and so I've been doing a ton of work. like in my nervous system in my body. instead of going right up here and. trying to wrestle with my thoughts I've. been going down into here to just anchor.

in my body and slow things down and be. physically where I am where my feet are. and so then there was a second thing. that happened so again I'm working on. happiness that's the thing I'm really. like working on it's like a muscle right. um I'm in the bathroom and I am terrible. at doing my hair I know it looks really. decent today but normally I look like a. freaking Labradoodle on a human day like. that's just me I just have never figured. out the hair situation and so I finally.

said that's it I have got to figure out. how to make my hair look halfway okay. like I'm not even looking for amazing. I'm just looking for okay and so I was. watching YouTube I'm learning the. tutorials I've got the right sprays and. so Kendall comes rolling in after she. wakes up and I am sitting there trying. to curl my hair right with this big fat. curling I'm terrible at a j and all of a. sudden I hit my freaking ear and I'm. like oh and I and I'm like oh oh my god.

I've just burned my ear and Kendall. casually goes well you got to learn. somehow and she walks out of the room I. think there is so much wisdom in that. because that is how you. learn that is how you learn how close to. hold a curling iron to your ear you burn. yourself and then your whole body. absorbs the lesson and you don't go that. close to the fire next time MH and I'm. doing that dance with happiness and.

contentment that when I Feel the Fire of. discontent or friction or complaining or. looking for what's. wrong I pull the curling iron a little. away from the ear and I go back into a. safer calmer place that was a beautiful. answer I I didn't know what to expect. when I asked that question I really. appreciate you you know going that. inward with it because you could have. gone a number of ways I I fully.

understand and empathize what you're. saying because my mom and my family do. something similar so and I love my Mom I. have a great relationship with my mom. she's amazing and anything that's good. about me is because of her. but every time I go back to London the. day I land my family will say well. you're only here for 21 days I'm like 21. days like that's three weeks even if you. added up all the hour was weekly that.

you spend with time with someone it. probably won't account for 21 full days. with full presence and then a week. will'll go and be like oh you've only. got 40 14 days left or you've only got. seven days left or you're leaving today. and and that mindset just keeps forcing. you to think that day 21 is day one. right as in that day 21 days left is the. same as one day left and you're living. all 21 days as there's only one day left. and i' I've taken time and I've with my. mom so many times to have that.

conversation with her and I said Mom if. you celebrate that we have 21 days and. we're going to make the most of it and. we're going to create new memories and. create new experiences then you're going. to be happier for these 21 days and yes. you're going to miss me the same it's. not going to change that and I'm going. to miss you so I I have personal. experience of that on the other end of. it with having that conversation with my. mom where she's really grown in. understanding how that thought hasn't. served her. right and she's so much happier for it.

now when I go back so that I definitely. identify with that what what you touched. on at the end there though was really. interesting to me when you talk about. happiness it sounds like you believe you. deserve it and you sound like you. believe it's yours for the taking like. it's like it is a clear goal Direction. it's there yeah and I think what's. happened is subconsciously or. consciously so many of us don't feel we. deserve happy happiness or we don't feel.

we're worthy of happiness or we actually. think mediocrity is a safer place to. live because then we don't have our. expectations being unmet we don't have. the fall of I wanted this but I got this. right and so I've been I had a friend. the other day who sent me a message and. he said take a look at this and it was. all about how really we shouldn't strive. for happiness We should strive for. mediocrity because mediocrity is where. most people will end up so that was.

literally this is the message so my. friend messaged me he goes what do you. think of this I think it sucks that's. Robinson I think it's the worst advice. I've ever freaking heard how about that. it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. here here's the thing Jay so one of the. things I also want to say is that I'm 54. and it's taken me a long time to figure. out that I was actually not a happy. person and and I don't think I act I I.

really truly. understood what happiness is and maybe. I'm using the wrong word maybe the word. is the problem because I always. Associated happiness with like parties. and laughter and like I'm just like full. of joy and I'm and I just you know it's. like this very positive thing and again. I am a positive person I'm a very. optimistic person but if you were to put. a speaker on my head and broadcast the. things I said to myself you would. literally check me in to the 7th floor. at Mass General Hospital in Boston.

Massachusetts because it was a constant. drum beat of negativity and as I one by. one by one Jay started to fix the. problems in my marriage and my finances. um with my anxiety as I built a business. you know a lot of people are surprised. to learn that most of what you see that. I've built has been built in the last. six years literally and so I as I. started fixing things.

outside that default drum beat did not. go away it just was a situation where I. no longer had anything outside of me. that was rationally wrong so I turned it. back on me and just started hammering me. in in in crazy ways I'll give you an. example so this is where I started to. have this breakthrough so I was sitting. my my husband and I have just. uh bought a house in Vermont and I know.

you guys you know are in your new home. it's an incredible thing to do it is our. dream house it's the house that his. parents built it's the family house we. not only were able to purchase this. thing we' have been able to completely. renovate it make it our own this place. is the closest place to God that I have. ever been we sit nestled between. mountains with 140 mile view straight. down a Valley with cascading like it.

is just spectacular when I would sit in. therapy sessions eight years ago and my. therapist would ask me to come up with. like a um you know like a totem or a. spiritual guide or Vision whatever for. truth or God or what it's always this. View and so lo and behold eight years. later we freaking live there and I'm. sitting on this covered deck looking. down the valley my daughter is sitting. next to me our other daughter who lives.

in Boston who's 23 and it's. Sunday and normally on. Sundays I'm not even present on Sundays. because I'm now got the Sunday scaries. I'm now thinking about the week ahead. she is starting to now do that okay I. got to get going I got I gotta pack the. car I gotta get going I got I got a big. week of work this week and and it's 7:30. in the morning on a spectacular. day and the energy is starting and I. recognize the energy because that is the.

campaign of misery that I have lived. with for 50 years and I'm sitting there. and I'm thinking oh this is. interesting that's. me and then I stopped in that moment Jay. and I thought I don't feel that right. now I just feel that exactly where I am. looking at this. view is. exactly where I'm supposed to be and it. was so profound it's almost like that.

moment where eart tole has on the bench. in the beginning of the Power of Now. where I have this profound experience. where I think wait a minute is this what. happinesses that I'm not 15 steps. ahead I'm just able to be right here. without the anxiety without the stress I. mean that is like a revolutionary EXP. experience for me I don't think I had.

ever not felt the default of a revved up. nervous system an anxious mind or a. to-do list that was a mile long and I. don't want to go back to that sort of. frenetic busyness that creates chronic. stress and you know the challenge for me. right now is how do I stay in a space. that's that's happy because I love the. game of building a business I love. pushing myself I love like and I. realized oh wait you actually need both.

you need deep spiritual quiet time and. you need the busyness of Los Angeles or. Boston or New York in small Sprints but. that can't be your default anymore woman. and that's a that's such a great. realization and reflection I think when. you come to that and it it takes a lot. of self-acceptance to come to that. because I think we think of life as. binary like you have to make a choice. you're either going to be a hustler or.

you're going to be peaceful you're. either going to be a winner or you're. going to be a loser you're either going. to be wisdom and Zen or you're going to. be money and materialistic right and. it's almost like you feel you have to. make those choices early in life and I. think when you came in here we were. talking about something and I really. really think it's something that a lot. of our listeners will resonate with the. idea that so many of us experience pain.

of not going after what we want or what. we need or what we feel is our. calling because of the pain that comes. with that and so we settle for the pain. of where we are yeah and I think those. two ideas are related because again we. think there's this choice you have to. make at any point in time where it's. like I'm either going to live the life. of my dreams or I'm going to be stuck. for forever and then we're like okay.

well I'll be stuck forever because my. dream seem so far away I remember being. there and it's always hard to help. everyone who's listening realize how. much I felt that way so how old were you. I this was six years ago for me oh my. God that's you like have this crazy. parall yeah six years ago so it was six. years ago I was working a safe corporate. job 6 months from now I was about to be. married to rad and I was making £.

31,500 a year and that was my salary at. this company and I was doing extremely. well at the company so I had a good. track to to progress. there and I'm sitting there going I've. been there for two years and I'm like I. don't think this is where I'm meant to. be I was looking at people who'd been at. the company for decades I was I've. always said to people look 10 20 years. ahead of you and look at that person in. a company and go is that where I want to. be and I was like well even if they paid. me as much as that person's paid even if. I got all the benefits that person got I.

don't think I want to do that in my 50s. and so I thought to myself okay well. then I have to take a risk so and and. obviously that was like a two-year. journey of even convincing myself let's. talk about that if someone's sitting. there right now passionate about. something wanting to get inspired. wanting to do something but they're. settling for the pain of where they are. and that's why I asked that Med. mediocrity and happiness question yeah. it is really that dance between I'm. going to. for where I'm at or I'm going to be.

where I want to be how do you think. about that Journey how do you you know. what just popped into my mind a weird. way cancer if you got diagnosed with a. cancer that was treatable would you try. to treat your cancer yes of course you. would because otherwise it would kill. you when you feel this call or this this. burning desire and I feel like we all. have this flame inside of us we are not. like a boiler where the pilot light can. blow out that is not not how a human. being is wired you whether you're stuck.

whether you're in pain whether you're. suffering you still have this this flame. inside you that is burning and when you. actively engage in your own campaign of. misery and you actively tell yourself. the reasons why it's not going to work. or the reasons why you can't do it or. the reasons why now is not the time or. you're never going to make it happen or. it was great for Jay or great for JE for.

Mel but nothing ever works out for when. you engage in your own campaign of. misery you are creating literally a. cancer inside of you that eats at. you and we don't realize that by. engaging in this campaign of misery. because it's active that flame is. burning inside you and you are actively. convincing yourself not to do anything. it is an active engage that's why I call. it a campaign because that flame is.

going to keep on burning which is why. the campaign has to get louder and the. excuses have to get louder and you know. what starts to happen is you start to. listen to that campaign and you start to. feel pain because there's something. burning inside of you and the only cure. for this is to stop listening to that. campaign and simply start taking small. steps just one every day toward the. thing that you want I talked to my. daughter about this all the time so she.

dreams absolutely dreams of being a. singer songwriter solo artist with a a. successful career literally Stadium. tours and if I'm being perfectly honest. this kid has all of the talent and all. of the like she's one of those five tool. players and she is a great person kind. and just awesome and she's even in a. program for it the best in the country. she has everything she just has to do. the work what is the work well the work.

is simply writing crappy songs every day. the work is not listening to the. campaign of misery because all around. you you're going to see evidence of this. person's better or that person this or. this one's that or there uh-uh when you. listen to that campaign in your head it. is like a cancer inside it causes pain. because you can feel when when you are. giving up on your own potential and that.

is the worst kind of life to live and. where where all I've remember I was the. president of that campaign in my own. life like you know I was like when when. you and and I want people to understand. this is that everyone you think is doing. something good with their life at one. point they were the Pres presidents of. this campaign of misery in their own. life I remember saying well that never. is going to happen for me those things. only happened to those people I remember. also watching things and this this was. the key one that I realized had to go me.

and my friends and and my dream when I. was young was to be a spoken word rap. artist like that was my goal like I've. always loved words I've always loved. having a large vocabulary I've always. loved bending words and making them. rhyme and and I think that's why I love. words today and what we do so much is. that and I we would sit there and we. would watch rappers or artists that were. up and coming and we would critique them. and we would almost talk badly about.

them we would criticize them and we talk. about how rubbish they were and how. untalented they were and or if we had. those opportunities how how good we'd be. and I realized that today's culture is. propagating that even more because now. we're just scrolling through Tik Tok or. Instagram and you'll see someone who's. doing what you want to do and you may. think you can do it better but instead. of doing it we're spending our time. watching someone else doing it and going. well that sucks that's rubbish I. actually have friends who message me.

stuff like that sometimes and they'll be. like look you know I've been wanting to. make videos for a while and they'll send. me someone who's made a bad video in. their opinion and I said you know what's. really interesting when you're on social. media you look at everyone who's doing. worse than you I said when I'm on social. media I look at everyone who's doing. better than me and learn right it's like. there's there's those two mindsets. you're either criticizing someone or. you're creating and learning and growing. and so I I just feel what you're saying. is so true and I think I spent so much. time. thinking I had something but then not.

doing anything with it yeah so couple. things I want to give everybody a visual. yes because I find Jay's into words I. got to have a picture like my mind is. not the words mind you are either in the. stands commenting about the game or. you're on the court playing it and right. now I want you to think about that flame. inside you that dream that you have and. I'm going to go back to my daughter who. is on the court but she will be the. first to say that for many years she was. engaged in her own campaign of misery.

sitting in the stance telling herself. why she can't get on the the court right. now and so I like that visual because at. any moment it literally like Cuts right. to the truth are you in the stands. criticizing who the people who are. playing the game or being jealous of. them or in the stands telling yourself. it's not time to jump in or are you on. the freaking Court there's only two. places to be in life that's it there is. no middle ground here and so what I want. to say also is that being in the stands.

it is loud it is an active thing that. you're doing this is not a passive thing. that we do to ourselves we actively. argue against our dream and our. potential and that is a. th% tied to your happiness to your. confidence because if you are arguing. against your own god-given. potential you are actively destroying. your confidence you're actively. destroying possibility in your life and.

here's the thing you freaking know it. yeah people know when they have impostor. syndrome they know it they talk about it. openly and I also hate the term fake it. till you make it and here's why when you. say I'm just going to fake it till you. make it you are calling yourself a fake. it amplifies your self-doubt instead say. this I'm going to get on the court and. try until I make it because the pain of. sitting in the stands and never getting. down there is way greater than tripping.

on the court mhm way greater you're. causing your and this is the thing I. want people to understand you are. causing yourself so much pain by. laughing off and making jokes about how. it's never going to happen you are. causing yourself so much pain by. thinking about it get out of the. freaking stance and get back on the. court in your life I did this to myself. for years about the podcast you know. I'll tell you some insane story so here. I am crazy successful in the audiobook.

world the the most successful. self-published audiobook in the history. of audiobooks is the 5-sec rule that. leads to a seven book audible original. deals with audible because of the. success of that and I kept telling. myself Jay I'd look at you you know and. i' I'd look at a ton of our other. friends who you know have these amazing. podcasts you rich Ro like you know just. everybody and I'd be like I missed the. vote I'm too late there's two million. podcasts out there there now I I I can't. do this I don't have anything different.

to say than Jay Jay's already got you. know it covered like why would I jump in. there now and then I would like I in the. stands for six years and you know what. else I would tell myself well you're. just successful because audible is your. partner and if you were to try this. you're going to fall flat on your face. and you don't have time and here's. another thing that I tell myself well. who on Earth is going to come to Boston. to sit in a studio with you m. everybody's remote now Boston is not a. media Place nobody travels there like.

just in the freaking stands telling. myself no no no now here's the thing. about campaigns of misery it does not. actually. mute the heartache and the pull that you. have because your dreams actually can't. leave you they're meant for you mhm and. so all that campaigning or the drinking. or the numbing out or the avoiding the. thing that is inside you MH it doesn't. make the dream go away it just creates. more pain. and so finally you know it was two years.

ago that I'm like I have to like take my. own advice and I got to make some major. changes because I knew when I was going. to step into the podcast space that I. was going to make it the only thing that. I was doing that I needed to complete. all the speaking engagements that I had. I needed to create different boundaries. around like I had to get serious about. taking the steps and getting on that. court and that's what I've been doing. for the last two years and a lot of. people don't know that I actually got my. start in 2007 hosting a local radio.

show and I have wanted to get back to. radio for almost 12 years because I love. the intimacy of it and so and I can't. like you know this you can't share your. life in real time in an audio book no. definitely not you can't do it in a. 60-second reel MH but I too sat there in. the. stands actively engaged in my campaign. of misery here's another area of my life.

where I engaged in campaign of misery. loneliness I have been profoundly. lonely for a while now and by lonely I. don't mean alone because there's people. around me but I have and I think a lot. of people feel this way and I know a lot. of women do particularly when your kids. get older and the social you know like. things change and I think a lot of us. are struggling with adult friendship and. especially coming out of quarantine.

people are now kind of you I don't want. to leave my house not because of. anything going on but because I like. being home yeah and so I started to get. serious about the fact that I was really. in the stands in my life complaining to. myself that I didn't see my friends that. I don't have friends that I'm I'm really. lonely but I wasn't on the court what. are you going to do about it because. it's easy to actually start making. friends if you send texts every day to. people and you make plans yeah oh Jay's.

in Montreal why don't I text him oh he's. in the same Hotel why don't I go up. Seven floors and go see him cuz my monk. is in the penthouse you know what I'm. saying I love what you're saying I can. resonate with it so much and there's a. journey from as where is your campaign. of misery right now oh that's a great. question where is my current campaign of. misery where are you in the stands in. your life Jay mine is actually I grew up. loving uh I went to public speaking. drama school and public speaking became.

a huge part of my life and drama stopped. and drama is something I'd love to get. back into really I loved acting growing. up I Lov the idea of getting into. someone else's emotions and I love the. idea of learning about new characters. and understanding and I keep wanting to. do it and two years ago three years ago. when the Bad Boys movie came out I was. asked by Sony to be in their theatrical. trailer for TV and so I played the role. of a therapist with Will Smith and. Lawrence and I had so much it was so.

uncomfortable because I hadn't done it. for so long I went to drama school for. seven years it was so uncomfortable. doing it and I got an acting coach that. week and I and I practiced and I learned. all my lines and then I got there on the. day and they gave me a new script they. said oh the scripts Chang and I'm going. guys I had five days I knew about this. five days ago I had an acting coach. every day for two hours a day and they. give me a new script then they come in. 10 minutes before I've been waiting. around for 2 hours learning this new. script we get there and they say oh by. the way. will and Martin have scrapped the script.

there's no more script they're just. going to Freestyle and you're going to. have to Freestyle I'm like you want me. to Freestyle we're two of the greatest. to ever do it and I'm not a comedian now. were you friends with Will at this point. not uh not in the way we are today okay. so so like because I think people might. be like yeah but you guys are friends so. you're like not a friend of mine yeah we. were acquaintances but not not in the. relationship think that's important yeah. and I didn't know Martin at all I'd. never met him in my life and so I am. fully. feeling impostor syndrome I'm fully in.

my discomfort zone I'm and I had the. most fun you're on the court yeah I was. on the court and had fun but then since. that day I. retreated and so and so that's been if. I'm completely honest that's where my. heart is I love the idea of getting to. be I've I've always loved biographies. and I've always loved autobiographies. I've always loved true stories and so if. I had the opportunity to learn or play. or be in a true story that would fill my. heart with a lot of joy is there.

somebody that you would dream ofing no. no I don't have that that answer I don't. have clear um but yeah that would be my. honest answer to that question of that's. something I'm in the stands on there's. so many excuses I'm like well Jay if you. did that then it discredits all the work. you've done up till now well Jay if you. did that then and it doesn't work out. then then what about the people that you. coach in that industry like if if you uh. if you did it and you did it really well. then people will call you a sellout. because you just did you you chose to do.

something completely different and it's. not saying I want to do that and stop. doing what I do today it's just that. there's a part of that expression that. I'm so creatively inspired by that I'd. like to try yeah and again it's try. right it's not and I wanted to get so. that's what I want to talk to you about. it's what was the heart of my question. before I'm so glad you ask me that thank. you I've never publicly talked about. that I've never shared that really with. anyone beyond my wife is what is the. difference because I think this is where. it goes wrong I meet a lot of people who.

talk to me about their dreams and even. mine and I want to clarify mine in a. second the one I just shared with you. what is the difference between a dream. and delusion be and and I I'm going to. share what I my initial thoughts before. I hear yours when I say I would like to. do more drama or acting or experiment. with that phase of my life my dream is. not at this point in time to an Oscar my. my dream is to try to creatively express.

myself and see whether this vehicle is a. form that brings me joy happiness and. meaning in my life yeah that to me is. not delusional because it is giving. myself the opportunity to put my uh. using visuals like put my uh you know. what are they called uh stabilizers onto. my bike and see if this is real right I. I often find people who first Dream is I. want to build a billion dooll company or.

and they've never built a business at. all or or have business experience or I. hear I want this to be the number one. thing in the world and while those are. nice aspirations I'm not sure that I. actually think and and this is just my. personal take I never had those when I. started and I feel that sometimes. without the skills without doing the. learning without doing the experimenting. those things can actually stop you from. doing it because it's so hard it's so. far away and there's such a big way to.

fall so I want to understand how do you. decipher between dream and delusion when. you talk about. delusion what I hear is like arrogance. and conceitedness now and and and and. let me explain the difference here. because I think confidence is this. willingness to try and this belief in. yourself and what you're trying to do. right I think arrogance and um conceited. is thinking you're better than everybody. else Y and so I when you frame the.

delusion as this grandiose thing it. feels like it's coming from insecurity. right it feels like it's coming from. wanting to be better than versus coming. from a place where you're willing to. take the risks and try and get on the. court of life in a way that's aligned. with this thing inside you and so that's. what I process in my own brain when you. ask me the question what's the.

difference between dreams and delusions. yeah now if you have a true dream is it. ever delusional and my answer to that is. never and here's. why I believe that dreams are not meant. to be achieved I believe that your. dreams are a directional signal mhm that. the dream is out there. in a different chapter of your life.

calling you from this moment toward that. direction and that the reason why you. still have this Burning Flame inside you. that relates all the way back to. something that you did when you were. younger that you freaking loved is. because when you walk toward acting and. what that requires of you to get on the. court and walk toward that dream and. look the dream could be an osar the. dream could be something like that's an.

award it doesn't matter it's in the lane. of acting what I believe about dreams is. that the dreams are deeply personal they. are connected to that flame inside you. you are hardwired with them when you. were born it is absolutely part of why. you're curious about things why you're. interested in things naturally this is. part of your natural intelligence and. that when you get on the court and you. start walking toward them that is what's. supposed to happen because if you allow. yourself to take on some roles in acting. it's going to make something come alive.

inside of you that's the purpose of your. dreams it's to make that flame burn. brighter inside of you it's about you. Awakening something and your dreams are. the directional signal that are trying. to point you in what way to move forward. going back to my daughter will she ever. have a stadium tour I don't freaking. know she might she might that's not the. point the point is to have something. come alive in herself by getting on the. court of her life and writing music and.

putting it out there yeah whatever. happens happens the reason why I wanted. to launch the Mel Robbins podcast is not. so that it could become the number one. podcast in the world of course I have. those goals of course I want to be the. number one female podcast host in the. world of course that's what I want but. the reason why I am pursuing this is. because I wanted to connect with people. at a deeper level I knew that I would. come creatively alive I knew that I.

wanted to build an ongoing conversation. that was deeper and I also knew I wanted. to learn more because when you're. constantly putting out content or you're. standing on stages or you're writing. books it's kind of a one-way. conversation yeah and so part of my. solve for loneliness was to stop griping. about it to myself and to go what would. actually make me feel more connected. what would be of more service to people. what would create a deeper impact that's. why I'm doing this thing yeah that's.

that's what I'm getting at that the. clarity and the reason why I really want. to get this really clear for people is. that I had a friend last night I was. talking to and they want to start a. podcast and it was the most beautiful. intention right everyone wants to start. a podcast today everyone wants to start. anything today it's very and they should. but what I've learned is that anything. I've started. intentionally has not only more likely. brought out the consistency and creat. creativity for me it's not only been.

successful it's also made me happy and. so what I'm trying to get to is how do. you plant a seed that goes all the way. from not only growing consistently to. giving you Joy as it grows to then. giving you that flour to then giving you. that fruit to then giving you the seed. to do more rather than like I got the. flour we then cut it it then broke and. you know so when I look at it I go I. think a lot of people are so obs. obsessed with the result that all they.

get might be the result and then you. have nothing else and then that result. feels dissatisfying it's like when we. had gwine of pter on the podcast she. talked about how like winning an Oscar. in her. teens like removed all aspiration. because she goes well what do you do. next right like when you've done that. you've done the epitomy the peak of that. career in your teens and now it's like. well what do you do next and it's like. well when it was always when it was if. it was only about the result not. speaking about her but if it was only.

about the result then you stop and so I. I I just want to clarify that what you. just said is you started it not to be. number one you started it because of the. impact you wanted to make the stories. you wanted to tell the connection with. your audience and I think if people. leaned more into that to me that's the. real dream yeah and you know it's. interesting I keep bringing up my. daughter because she's an artist yeah. and when she leans into the fact that. she's not trying to impress her friends. in in her pop music program she's not.

trying to impress anybody yeah she wants. to tell stories yeah with her music that. inspire people yeah and when you really. get into the reason why you're doing. something so I'm going to give everybody. another visual because there are two. visuals that I think about a lot in life. for me one of the most powerful things. that I use to coach myself is that when. I'm in the middle of something I always.

remind myself I'm on the bridge mhm so. in launching this podcast something I've. been thinking about for more than eight. years something I have talked myself out. of for a long time something that I. finally stepped on the court and started. working for about a two years ago and. now we are. here I know that this is literally step. one on a long suspension bridge that is. leading me somewhere and when you remind.

yourself that you're just on the bridge. you stop focusing on how long is it. going to take and what's it going to. feel like and I'm not there yet you are. on the bridge and you are going to be on. the bridge until you get to this other. side and then guess what happens when. you get to the other side there's. another freaking Bridge yeah every. single episode is like its own Bridge. yeah the other visual that I use a lot. is uh a trail leading up Mountain. because the research is so conclusive.

and Jay and I can try to beat it into. your head that meaning comes from. working on something I'm G to say it. again meaning comes from working on. something with. intention that has importance to you. it's that simple you can create meaning. in your life by planting a garden if. it's important to you and for me I think. a lot about you know the act of going. for a hike the purpose of going for a.

hike ironically is not to get to the top. it's to be on the trail and if you. constantly stare at the top you're going. to be out of breath you're going to tell. yourself you have so much longer when we. ever going to get there and you going to. miss the entire point of your freaking. life which is the ride the trail the. bridge the mile markers all of. it and so so part of my desire to be.

happier is to continually remind myself. it is not about getting on that mountain. because when you get to the top of that. mountain the top of one Mountain's just. the bottom of Another One MH and if. you're going up eventually you got to. come back down like that is just life if. you focus on the freaking Trail whatever. step you're on and you keep reminding. yourself this is going to lead me. somewhere that is where the meaning. comes in your life because Jay and I. will both tell you guys that you put all. this into writing a book it publishes. you're like okay now.

what yeah it's true yeah and we want it. to be something else we want to think. that there is this Silver Bullet that if. you get to the mountain if you launch. the podcast if you meet the person of. your dreams then you'll be happy and the. truth is for me. personally happiness was really about. ending campaigns of misery in my mind it. was about identifying where I was. arguing against myself and my potential. mhm and it was allowing myself to get.

back on the trail or start walking. across that bridge yeah that's that's I. love those visuals they're so powerful. and so beautiful and there's I mean when. you said the bridge one it reminded me. of I I believe this is from uh the. Christian tradition I believe it's from. the Bible but uh this statement says the. world is like a bridge don't build your. house on it cross over it and I've. always spiritually gravitated ated. towards that statement very deeply so. when you said bridge that was the first.

thing that came to my mind the the world. is like a bridge you know I also like. that term a couple reasons so you know I. was telling everybody earlier about how. I woke up this morning and I'm here. visiting my daughter who's 22 and a. senior in college and I felt this. profound. sadness and I noticed it and I allowed. myself to feel it because I wouldn't. feel that if I didn't love her so deeply. right and then I visualize this. bridge that this is just one step on a.

very long bridge that I'm crossing and a. bridge that as a parent like the most. important thing that I need to do as a. parent is to encourage my children to. fly into this world and to leave and to. become who they're meant to become which. means they're going to leave and there. are a lot of good buys and it sucks but. it's also beautiful and I also love this. idea of a bridge because when it comes. to um anxiety when it comes to.

separation there is this concept uh when. you say goodbye to somebody or when. you're about to uh leave somebody who's. going to do something anxious is you. bridge that moment to the next moment. you're going to see them so I'm sure you. do this when you say goodbye to your. parents in the UK you hug and say I. can't you know for me I just said I. can't wait to see you on Thanksgiving. break MH I can't wait to hear how this. thing goes tomorrow. so that you are staying connected and.

bridging and closing that kind of loop. of Something's ending because things are. not truly really ending yeah they're. always Beginnings to something else yeah. one of the questions we get in my DMs a. lot and comments and everything is and. and I think people subconsciously or. consciously have this as well the idea. that and you just brought brought it. about is your parents expectations M so. either some people had parents who had. very high expectations or different. expectations to what the kids wanted.

like you're very aware that what your. daughter wants to be and you're happy to. support it as long as she wants to be it. some people have the experience of well. my parents had very high expectations. but they're not the expectations I want. or my parents actually didn't have any. expectations of me and they were. actually more negative and they actually. didn't believe in me at all and didn't. really think I'd get anywhere anyway or. when I want to try something I get the. toxic feedback of well you're not going. to make it anyway so I think we we deal.

with parenting and a feeling of not. believing Us in ourselves in two ways. one is your parents saw the path they. gave you it but you're like that's not. my path this is and then your parents. don't believe in it all your parents. never believed in any path you were to. take and I think a lot of people I'm. hearing right now are feeling like Jay. I'm just surrounded by family and. friends who don't believe in me don't. believe in my ideas don't believe in the. partner I want to be with like I just. don't feel like people support my.

decisions yeah Chris and I have been. married 26 years we have three kids. they're 23 22 and 17 there is no doubt. in my mind I've screwed them. up how could you not I mean we're. talking about millions of moments yeah. where somebody needs emotional support. and you are a mismatch in that moment. right and I love this term of parental. mismatch because it allows those of us.

that still have a good relationship with. our parents to acknowledge a fact and. the fact is there are things that went. down in your childhood that you may not. even remember that left you with. negative or toxic thinking patterns that. you struggle to get rid of as an adult. it is a fact period and so I want to. start off by saying that because we all. deal with this and it is a result of. childhood in fact Dr Russell Kennedy who. is amazing you should have him on your. podcast says that all anxiety results.

from a feeling of separation from your. parents when you're a kid probably. before you were five a moment where you. felt separate there was a mismatch maybe. you were sitting on the floor you don't. even remember this you're quietly. playing you're in a happy space and mom. or dad comes home and they're frustrated. and all of a sudden they you know like. everybody does at some point because. everybody has a volcano moment it's a. fact and it startles you as a kid your.

body remembers that and there's this. concept in research called ghosts in the. nursery that a lot of us struggle as. adults with behavior that we're like. where did that come. from and where it comes from is the fact. that if you're now an adult and you had. an experience growing up in a household. where your parents raged or your parents. were abusive or your parents just. ignored you and you just felt separate.

or on edge when you get into those same. situations as an adult your body has a. feeling first we think we think first we. don't your body has the feeling first. and then your body repeats the behavior. that you actually observed as a kid I. speak English because I observed and. absorbed the language my parents spoke. and so there are patterns that you're. struggling with that do not serve you as. an adult that are not your own mhm and. so I want to say that first and foremost.

okay that one of the greatest Gifts of. being an adult is separating from your. parents and deciding how you want to. talk to yourself how you want to change. the way that you think how you speak how. you support so that's number one number. two it is so common and natural to feel. this kind of complex mix of. guilt and of pressure to want to please. your parents why because you needed them.

to survive as a kid it's not like you. could leave and what we learn as kids is. that there is a give and a take and that. often times that love that you need and. that support that you need is very. transactional that Mom and Dad are in a. great mood and you get a lot of. attention when you're doing well in. sports or doing well in school or you're. doing what they want them to do and what. we women learn in particular is that if. you're not doing I want you to do that's. bad because guilt by definition is.

feeling bad about what you just did we. learned that feeling during childhood. and it happens to everybody and so I. want to just say this because I want to. normalize that these are things that. don't mean that you're damaged it's. stuff that we have to heal for ourselves. as adults and so here's rule number one. if your parents or your family are not. paying your bills they have no vote if. your parents are paying for your.

bills there is going to be power in what. they're saying MH there is a transaction. there because they are paying your. tuition or they're paying whatever and. not all parents are. transformed and so I'm saying that. because one of the fastest ways to Free. Yourself is to pay your own way and when. you pay your own way you start to feel. very empowered to pave your own way I. happen to believe as a parent that my. job is to help my kids figure out who.

they are and you do that by listening. you do that by validating their. experiences you do that by not seeing. them as an extension of you that what. school they get into somehow means that. you're a good parent or a bad parent the. best thing that you could do for your. kids is figure out what's going to make. them happy and support them and doing. that and the other thing that you can do. is help them make decisions by helping. them figure out what decisions are right. for them so I'm saying all of this.

because 0 to 18 so let's use another. metaphor because I again love metaphors. life's one big road trip okay every year. of your life is a mile marker from 0 to. 18 you're not even driving the damn. car somebody else is you're in somebody. else's car they're telling you what to. do they're controlling what's happening. the second you get to University or you. leave home you get to navigate your own. life. but not if somebody else is paying for. it yeah I think that perspective is.

empowering if you're willing to take. that risk but what we found you know the. the research shows this as well there. was a study a few years ago that I. looked at which talked about how you. know with men and women when when men. see a job. description and they can do like 50 to. 60% of it they an HP study they'll say I. can do it right and then when a woman. sees a job description and even if she. can do 80% of it she'll be like I can't. can't apply because I can't do 20% mhm. and so I find that there's a we do it in.

dating too by the way right so yeah so. so that that. disproportionate self-doubt that comes. in there or that lack of self-confidence. as as someone who's a mom of girls like. does that do you see that playing out. differently for you and for them and so. I there's a tremendous amount of. research on this with girls and. confidence and I have a theory as to. what happens and. I know what age it happens at typically. for girls because girls struggle with.

crippling perfectionism in numbers that. far outweigh uh what happens to boys and. I believe there is a specific reason why. so at the age of 12 boys and girls have. the exact same levels of confidence Jay. at the age of 13 girls confidence fall. off a cliff according to the research. and I think I know why the reason why in. my personal opinion is because that is. the average age that a girl goes through.

puberty and she starts menstrating now. here's the interesting thing about girls. when they go through puberty it's like a. public. conversation and what's the first thing. that somebody says to a little girl when. they get their period you're a woman now. and it's also something that happens to. your body so there's this like implied. maturing this implied notion of sex. there's also the fact that your boobs. are growing and you're butting and. people are self-conscious and so now.

you're wearing a sweatshirt you also. know who's got their period somehow. everybody knows when this is happening. everybody's talking about it and so you. in that moment lose the control of the. conversation about your body and for. most girls it's. incredibly uncomfortable like I remember. one of my daughters wore like a gigantic. sweatshirt for two years just to hide. her developing body other girls might. show it off because you get more. attention but it becomes this public. conversation about where you are in.

relation to everybody else and most. girls in addition to the socialization. that you get from the media and from. culture you start then wishing you look. different you start to obsess about. yourself if I could just get a perfect. if I wear the perfect sweatshirt then. nobody's going to notice and you start. micromanaging as a defense mechanism to. public judgment that's what I think. happens because the perfectionism is off. the charts too when you dudes get hit. puberty it's typically when you're 15.

and it benefits you I mean because we're. not talking about what's happening with. your balls right it's not like some. conversation about that we're talking. about the fact that your voice is deeper. you've gotten taller it benefits you in. high school sports and so it doesn't. impact your guys' confidence it actually. helps you and that's where it begins in. my personal opinion along with the fact. that there's so much that happens. General asally. generationally where boys are encouraged. to take risks boys are in sports where.

they're knocked around boys are picked. up and shoved back in the game girls are. coddled a little bit more and told to be. a good girl be a nice sister go hug your. uncle all those things that send a. message that leads to women struggling. with confidence what do you think then. are some of the things that you did. later on and you want for your daughters. to do to develop better confidence like. what are some of those steps towards. better confidence because I think it's.

it's so difficult right to confidence. requires you to do so many things you. don't want to do to develop it yeah like. I think the problem with the word. confidence when I look it up in the. dictionary it's one of my favorite. definitions of a word one of the. definitions is acknowledgement and self. assurance in one's own abilities right. like you're acknowledging and you are. aware of and you're reassured of your. own abilities and your qualities and so.

when I look at that definition I go okay. that requires you to do things that like. you you don't build your self-respect. when you sat out on the beach but you do. build your self-respect when you went. and hiked up a hill and then walked back. down right like your self-confidence. doesn't grow because you sat out in your. garden and didn't do anything your. self-confidence grew because you learned. how to garden or do something right your. self- resect self-esteem and. self-confidence grow when you do things. yeah that are not obvious or easy or or.

simple right but like you're saying. we're not trained in that way so what. are some of the steps that people could. take towards self-confidence yeah first. here's what I want to tell you and then. I'll give you some steps so confidence. is one of those topics Jay that we have. backwards everybody hears the word. confidence and they think it's belief. like up here yeah I agree confidence my. definition of confidence that I want. everyone to walk away with is confidence. is the willingness to try in research. there is something called The Confidence.

competency Loop and what that means is. that as you try something for the first. time like I was curling my hair this. morning and I freaking burned my ear and. my daughter casually says got to learn. somehow by trying and by the way. screwing it up and burning my ear I. still am gaining a little bit of. confidence I know to hold this thing a. little bit further away from my ear Now. by gaining confidence by burning my ear.

I now am going to try again and I'm. going to be a little bit better and I'm. going to gain a little bit more. confidence and then I'm going to try. again and I'm going to learn even more. and so confidence at the heart of. confidence is action it's the. willingness to try and all you need is. to know that if you try you're not going. to die MH you're just going to to learn. something and when you learn something. it removes a little bit of the.

insecurity so that it makes it slightly. easier to try again and so I would. follow the 60% rule okay and I use 60%. because that is the figure that was in. the HP study about men applying for jobs. when they feel 60% qualified MH if you. look at something that you want to do or. try or apply for and you. feel whether it's 60% qualified okay I.

got 60% of the stuff because the truth. is a job description everybody a dating. profile that is not requirements that's. a wish list okay if you got 60% of this. stuff freaking go for it that's rule. number one the 60% rule the other thing. is is that if you're looking at doing. something that you're scared to do maybe. it's signing up for an improv class. maybe it is ordering the podcast. equipment maybe it's signing up for. genius like even thinking about it. you've been thinking about it you. thinking about it if you on a scale.

you're on this teeter totter if you tip. more toward I'd really like to so about. 60% right weight versus 40% I'm kind of. nervous freaking do it that's how you. build confidence because back to the. original thing that we're talking. about self-doubt grows when you. engage in negative talk to talk yourself. out of the things you want to be trying. there is so much pain Jay in talking. yourself out of trying.

things and it just makes me so sad and. frustrated to see so many of you that. are listening wasting years of your. life really feeling this desire to try. something and putting all your energy. all your energy into talking yourself. out of it here's something that I just. recorded an episode about this and it's. the fall so I'm thinking a lot about the. fact that you know in the fall season at.

least in New England and I realize in. other areas of the world it's not the. fall right now the leaves fall off the. tree right here's an interesting fact. this is not a beautiful graceful thing. that. happens the tree pushes those freckers. off its branches as an act of. survival because leaves have a huge. surface area and they require a lot of. water to be able to capture the Sun and. convert it into energy for the tree. and over winter there ain't no water and. if those trees are there that the leaves.

are there the trees is going to die and. it's an energy conserver it is an energy. issue you are putting so much negative. energy into things that you won't let go. of into complaining into relationships. that don't work into your excuses do you. know how much energy it takes to walk. into a job you can't stand. and yet you do it every day imagine if. instead of sitting at your desk.

resisting complaining gossiping and. coming up with excuses imagine if you. just redirected some of that energy. toward looking for something. else that like the leaves get pushed off. a tree you make a decision that today I. am actually going to let go of the. gossiping and complaining about this. because that is zapping my energy and. I'm going to direct my energy. at something positive because once I get. rid of that I got room for something. positive to.

grow and complaining to yourself and. robbing yourself of just trying. something yeah and we don't think about. it that way yeah it takes the same. amount of energy I think more yeah more. potentially it definitely yeah it's more. draining but it is if anyone wants to. think about it yeah it's it's that same. energy just put in a different direction. could could change the course it does. change the course and it just needs to. try I love that willingness to try so. the 60% rule there is one takeaway and.

confidence okay the second thing that. you can do with confidence because it's. action based this is where the 5-second. rule is a GameChanger just use my. 5-second rule literally in those moments. where you feel self Dow kick in you got. to be careful because you have a habit. of hesitating you have a habit of doing. what psychologists say you have a bias. towards thinking and so a second. takeaway is use my 5-second rule and. when you catch yourself hesitating when. you catch the self-doubt coming in when. you catch the feelings and the excuses.

rise up count backwards 5 4 3 2 one and. by the time you get to one the. prefrontal cortex will have focused on. the counting and you've got literally a. split second to move and the trick about. this is when you start. counting you've made a decision to try. and the counting itself is like a trojan. horse because it's the first action mhm. yeah I love that rule and the book there. too in case anyone needs all the added. information I think our last interview. was all about that so I I want to ask.

you about one final area of thought. because we were talking about it. before and I think a lot of our. community does I have to ask it because. I just wrote a book called Eight rules. of love which is out next year. and I I talk about this in one of the. chapters so I'd love to hear your. perspective on it but the idea where. you've been married for 26 years right. congratulations that's incredible and. that's beautiful. in that time you and your partner are. going to go through different stages of.

personal growth personal Evolution. collect collective growth Collective. Evolution sometimes you're going to feel. ahead they're going to feel behind. sometimes they're going to feel ahead. you're going to feel behind sometimes. it's not even about a head or behind the. question I have is if someone's. listening and their partner or even if. they're not in a relationship their. friend I was just speaking to someone. the other day and they were saying yeah. my friend is a bit envious that I just. landed my dream job or I'm just meeting. the guy that I you know we always feel.

ahead or behind of the people that we're. closest to even if we love them and we. want them to win there's that feeling if. someone's in a relationship someone's. got a friend that's feeling behind or. maybe they're the person who's feeling. behind someone. else what do we do in that scenario how. do we support ourselves support others. how can we think through that because I. think feeling ahead or behind is never. fun even feeling ahead is not fun. yeah um when you feel behind that's your.

insecurity putting a lid on what you. believe is possible for you so that's. number one recognize that it is that's. insecurity blocking you and you can use. that as a sign that oh I all I have to. do is start walking toward things the. second thing I want to share with. everybody is that it is normal to feel. envious. or even be somewhat of a jerk when.

somebody that you care about changes and. I want to tell a story to explain why MH. and the story I'm the villain okay which. is basically the role I've played in my. marriage poor Chris um Chris is. wonderful yes Chris is amazing so Chris. uh a couple years ago decided he was. going to completely stop drinking and he. went on this deep spiritual journey and. he was going to stop drinking for a. couple years and he became a Buddhist.

Meditation instructor and a yoga. instructor and started his men's Retreat. business and I'll never forget the first. night that he was not drinking I open up. a bottle of Rosé I'm pouring a glass of. Rosé everything's great cuz I'm. cooking great the second night as I'm. opening up a bottle of Rosé and Chris is. like cracking open like I don't know. like a sa Croy I'm starting to feel. agitation I'm starting to feel the.

campaign the complaining the this and. the that and I noticed it and I'm like. don't say anything the third day is when. Mel the villain showed up and I'm not. proud to admit this but I want everybody. to hear this so you understand what's. actually happening inside of your. relationship I crack open the Rosé I'm. pouring my glass of wine and I turn to. Chris I'm. like come on you want to have glass Ros. with me and he says no I'm I'm good and.

I said it's like. juice it's such a juice a jerk give it. to a four-year-old he goes it's like. juice Mel I do not want a glass of wine. stop asking me and I said okay I'm sorry. it's just that it makes me feel bad and. this is when he said something that just. he said. nobody cares what's in your glass but. you and if what I'm putting in my glass.

makes you question what you're putting. in yours then maybe you have some work. to do and it is easier everybody to. question somebody else's change and even. sabotage it because their change and. growth creates a change in energy and. ripples and changes in patterns that. make you wake up and start realizing. that maybe some of the things you.

do don't work for you so when that. friend of yours stays in to write a. business plan how many of us on a. Saturday night like oh come on you work. on it tomorrow do you have to go to the. gym today stay in bed with. me that's that same. behavior of dragging somebody to join in. with you and pour what's in your cup and. so I want you to understand this is. normal and it's a really good sign. because it means that your behavior is.

not only changing you but is sending. waves at somebody else that has just. given them a wakeup call and most of us. push against those wakeup calls and. that's what they're doing because you're. very safe to do it with and so that's. something that's really important to. understand and I find that the best way. to support somebody because we all know. we can't change somebody else is is you. keep a laser focus on what you're.

doing because the bigger the change. becomes and the happier you become the. more difficult it's going to be for your. friend or your family to ignore it and. the more it's going to stir up more. things and eventually inspiration and. the best thing that you can do is ask. leading questions do not tell somebody. what to do that is the worst thing you. can do in a relationship a friendship or. as a. parent instead like literally hey you.

you don't seem happy is there anything. that I can do to help you don't seem. like yourself is something going on do. you need support in. something and you know my my favorite. sentence on the planet as a parent and. as a wife is do you need me to listen or. would you like to know what I'm. thinking and nine times out of 10 my. kids my husband the folks that work for. me they just want me to listen and so I. think when you create an opening for.

somebody to stop engaging in their own. self-doubt and their own very active and. painful kind of reasons why they can't. join you at the gym or reasons why. they're not going to meditate or reasons. why they're not going to join you in dry. January or whatever it may be or the. reasons why they can't can't we all have. a friend I can't look for a job I never. going to find anybody that's not true. and you know it so create the space you. be the light on the path ahead and when.

you hold your light. higher eventually that jealousy and. those. excuses it actually allows it to. disappear and you part you become part. of the force that pulls them forward and. the other thing you have to understand. is that there are going to be legs of. your journey in life and this is one of. the hardest things where people are. going to pull off and take a different. route that's okay they may come back at. another time that's okay and you know. the final thing that I wanted to say.

about this is it's a very simple. exercise that you can do with somebody. and this helps somebody who is either. struggling with happiness and doesn't. know how to get started or is struggling. with. confidence and is not able to take. action or who is resisting the changes. that you are doing and you would love to. see them. do we did this with our daughter who uh.

is now 23 and last summer when she. graduated from college really unhappy I. mean two years of college had been. imploded and she was extremely depressed. and basically just drank her way through. it and graduated and was not happy big. life change nothing was going according. to plan she had planned this huge trip. to go to Cambodia and do a big service. trip for four months that wasn't going. to happen just. lost and so Chris and I sat with her for.

a couple hours and then I said and she's. like I don't know what to do I'm 22 I'm. stuck I'm miserable I don't even know. how to start and I said I actually think. you do I think you're just scared take. out a blank piece of paper draw a line. down the center on the left hand side I. want you to write happy me now close. your. eyes and think about a time that you. remember being happy or more confident.

or Alive it could be any word you want. right and you might have to go back to. Childhood our daughter closed her eyes. and she said it was senior year in high. school and I said okay so write down all. of the things that you were doing in a. week of your life senior year in high. school just describe your life for me oh. I got up at and and do it in detail. everybody I got up at 7:00 a.m. or 6:30.

I was leaving the house by 7: I was with. my friends all day I was looking forward. to go to college I was playing varsity. lacrosse I was exercising six days a. week I was only partying with friends. twice a week I you know was in a healthy. dating relationship I ate four dinners a. night at home like. just great write down what your life. looks like now I sleep till 1 I drink. every day I feel like I don't see my. friends because everybody's scattered.

now that we graduate I don't have. anything to look forward to my my trip. to Cambodia is canceled I'm not. exercising okay compare the. two your own life experience offers the. map and we want to over complicate these. big words like happiness I know I did. for decades or. confidence it's. actually found in the little things. if you do this simple exercise of. drawing a line down a piece of paper and.

you write down what life looked like in. great detail when did you wake up when. did you go to bed how are from you with. friends family what were you doing for. work exercise what were you. eating if you then compare that to what. life looks like now you now know what to. do and the fact is your whole life is. the little things it's when you wake up. it's the first you look at it's what you. do with your body it's how you greet.

your spouse it's how you talk to. yourself it's what you say to yourself. when you look in the mirror it's the. mood that you walk in to work with. intentionally it's how you greet your. animals or your roommate when you end. the day it's the tone of voice that you. use that's your whole. life and if you were to just take the. time and intentionally write down a few. simple things that you do when you're. happy in life and you were to focus for.

the next seven days on just adding one. of those in a day you would be very. surprised how getting some of the little. things right actually starts to turn. your life in a completely different. direction so powerful no it's been an. absolute pleasure having you back on the. show uh the MS Robins podcast is out. right now you can go and listen. subscribe share please please please go. and do that Mel I love sitting down with. you I love today was that perfect.

balance as I was talking about before of. playing tennis going back and forth and. at the same time just getting some. really practical insightful advice from. you on stepbystep strategic systematic. breakdown of how to do things I want to. thank you from the bottom of my heart. for being a dear friend to me and RI uh. I hope me you Chris all of us get to. spend lots more time together genuinely. or even if it's Lots not lots more time. but it's deep time together that would.

make me very happy and I wish you all. the best on defeating the campaigns of. misery for yourself and everyone else in. the world through your show through your. books on Audible through through your. book in the 5sec rule and also for. helping me start working on my campaigns. of misery as well so thank you so much. Mal deeply appreciate you very grateful. to you I love you Jay and I can't wait. wait to see you. acting yeah now now I have to now I have. accountability so I want to offer.

another mistake I've made and I've made. this with both Chris and with our. daughter Kendall so Chris as he is. running Soul degree which is men's. Retreat and her daughter Kendall as. she's writing. music one of the best things that you. can do to help create momentum is to. call out the Teeny steps are taking. I made a mistake with our daughter for a. long time where I kept talking about the.

big stuff or I kept saying but you're. not writing songs or this would make a. great song or you know play me something. new and she would go stop talking about. this stop telling me what to do because. when somebody loves you they respect. your opinion and trust me they know when. they're not doing what they need to do. every day mhm so you will support. somebody more when you say you know I'm. really proud of you for the fact that. you're very relaxed about this I'm.

really proud of you for the fact that. you're not beating yourself up uh that. it's not happened sooner I'm really. proud of you for marching to your own. drone I'm really proud of you for. writing a song today and playing it for. that's freaking awesome acknowledging. the little. stuff is incredibly powerful because the. person has has to push through so much. of their own stuff that if you go oh and. you should do it this way or oh have you.

tried that or oh you know be great if. you do this you're not actually building. momentum you're pointing out what wasn't. done and that was something I was guilty. of for a long time catching myself and. trying to look for oh what are they. doing and giving them that pat on the. back that hug that high five that verbal. acknowledgement of the effort done or. even the fact that the fact that they. haven't done anything but they're. thinking about it that is worth it too. and the reason we do that you know this.

is because we don't give ourselves a pat. on the back for doing something small so. we don't even acknowledge when we do. something small we're waiting and we're. saying to ourselves oh well all you did. today was go to the gym all you did this. week was go to the gym twice that's not. enough yep and because we talk to. ourselves like that when someone in our. life does it it triggers us back going. yeah they only went to the gym twice a. week too like that's terrible Y and so I. I couldn't agree with you more and I've. yeah I I think I've had to be my own. cheerleader for so much of my life and.

noticed the little things that I've done. and the little progress that with rad. I've definitely seen that and she. appreciates it where I'll just you know. notice those smaller things but I. realize that anytime I get triggered by. someone's lack of growth it's because. I'm triggered by my own lack of growth. and I'm just reflecting that back on to. them I'm upset with myself for not going. to the gym more times this week and. because they haven't I'm now releasing. that on them and that's been such a. great way of going okay well I need to. be kinder to myself too for the little.

wins yes it took you two years to launch. this podcast but there were things in. those two years that you learned about. getting to where you are now that you. made so many steps of progress and. that's why you know and also there are. so many little steps about completing. things so that you can create room yes. and so one of the other things I want to. offer too is yes that tendency for us to. jump in and be like oh you try this or. do this or oh and like kind of create. this. snowball it does come from the fact that.

a lot of us are not encouraging of. ourselves but it also comes from a. really altruistic loving space CU you. love this person so much you want it so. much for them that as soon as you see a. tiny step forward you're like ah let's. do this and you want to join in with. them and so it can come from both a. place of your own lack of support for. yourself as a default unintentionally. but it also comes from a really good. place CU you're just so excited and you. then amplify things and then they feel.

crushed because what they did do doesn't. now feel like enough absolutely I love. that clarification I agree with this. both uh everyone who's been listening. and watching today make sure you tag. melani on instagram on Tik Tok on. Twitter whatever social media platform. you use with all your greatest insights. nuggets of wisdom from this episode. there were so many scattered across the. entire time we've been talking make sure. you grabb the screenshot of the episode. share it with a friend maybe there's. someone in your life that would benefit.

from listening to this with you and then. having a conversation about it. afterwards I think that's something I'm. really encouraging I find that when. we're collectively having an experience. it's even better than saying Hey I just. heard this amazing thing listen to With. Friends listen to with family and then. discuss it amongst yourselves I hope. we've given you enough tools and insight. and thoughts to start a conversation to. ask a powerful question and I hope that. you're leaving here today feeling. happier healthier and more healed thank. you so much on purpose Community I love.

you deeply and thank you to Mel for. joining us again today and I'll see you. on the next one thanks everyone if you. want even more videos just like this one. make sure you subscribe and click on the. boxes over here I'm also excited to let. you know that you can now get my book. think like a monk from think like a monk. book.com check Below in the description. to make sure you order today.