LOVE EXPERT: When A Man Is Interested, He Will Do THIS! | Stephan Speaks

Most breakups, if not all, are a. blessing in disguise. We just can't see. where the blessing is in that moment. Do you believe that there's right. person, wrong time? Absolutely. It's not. as simple as, "Oh, we love each other, everything's supposed to work. perfectly." Love is one thing, relationship is another. One of the most. sought-after relationship coaches in the. world. The most popular voice in the. relationship education space. Stephan. speaks. Right now in dating, men have a bad reputation. Is it fair? Completely unfair. When she goes on that.

date or she's in that relationship and. things go wrong, she may leave out parts. of what she did to contribute to the. problem. I think people are not having. success in dating because people are not. accepting who they are first. that. There are things about us we know, but. society makes us feel shamed about it. How do you communicate with someone. who doesn't like to communicate? My initial response was going to be, you. don't communicate with them at all, you. let them go, but. if we're having issues with discussing.

our relationship problems, things that. need to be addressed, yeah. if we can't discuss it, how can we. fix it? We base our perceptions of the. opposite sex on what I call the. desirables. I always say, the way to. determine how serious someone is about. you is. The number one health and wellness. podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The. one, the only Jay Shetty. What are the biggest issues that men and. women are facing when trying to meet the.

right people and they keep feeling like. they meet the wrong person? I think one. of the biggest issues we have in this. world right now is we are refusing to. accept the differences between the. average man and the average woman. Now, I say the average man and average woman. because I understand there are. exceptions to every rule, nothing. applies 100%. However, we have very. distinct differences that if we reject, we're going to have conflict in in. So, one that comes to mind, and I I. don't know this is what I was recently. talking about.

There's this push that people want to. say women want sex as much as men, right? They they they'd want it just as. much. That's an absolute lie. Okay? That As. far as I'm concerned, that's simply not. true. Now, I once was at a conference. Well, not a conference. I was once uh. flown into a It was a one of those. dating sites. They had they brought a. few experts in. They had this. presentation and there was a scientist. who brought up this study that showed. that {quote} women want sex as much as. men. And I told her I said, "I think.

there's something wrong here. I think. what the study is doing is conflating. intimacy with sex." And the reality is. that women want intimacy. Okay? If if I. would say if you had door number one, door number two. Door number one is just. straight sex. Door number two is hugs, kisses, intimacy, all that. The majority. of women are choosing door number two. The majority of men are choosing door. number one. The reason why this is so important to. accept, and this is just one example of. the built-in differences of who we are.

that we've got to learn to just accept. it. Is because now if a man gets with a. woman being told, "We are the same. We. want sex the same way.". He does not understand how to speak to. her in a way that makes her sexually. receptive to him. He thinks, "Oh, if we. just like sex, we like sex. If you're. horny, you're horny. That's it. End of. story." And no, for the majority of. women, there is a mental and emotional. component you have to be aware of. If. she is in the wrong place, if she's. overly stressed, if she's overwhelmed,

this can take away all her desire or. willingness to engage sexually. So, by feeding this narrative that we're. that we are the same in all these ways, we are not allowing ourselves to learn. the differences, respect the. differences, and speak to those. differences, which will then allow us to. have more harmony in relationships. And. I feel that if we could do that and. really respect the other genders. position on things. And of course, you. don't go in just assuming all these.

generalized things apply to each person. But they can be your basic foundation. and then you learn that individual and. understand, okay, well with her, maybe. she does want sex more than I do, right? Or with this one, maybe she wants a. little bit more of this. You you are. open and you are flexible. But I think. if people took that approach, they would. have better dating experiences better. relationships, much better marriages, all right? Because I can't tell you how. many times I've spoken to a husband and. I was like, "Listen, emotionally, mentally, she's not in the right place.". And he's like, "That sounds stupid.".

Exactly. And because, and I have to say. to the women, some of them create this. dynamic where. when they're dating, she doesn't talk. about those things being important to. her. She kind of plays along with the. all right, she just wants sex that much. and she's just ready to go at it with. him. So he never learns and understands, no, she needs more than that. All right? So we can again, there's so many. different examples I could give, but I.

do think one of the key things to people. not just meeting the and I'll say I'll. get I'll get to that in a second, but. one of the key things to meet the right. person is just respecting the. differences of men and women. Now, piggybacking off of that, the. second thing is. I think people are not having success in. dating because people are not accepting. who they are first, all right? Now, a. lot of people may say you have to learn. who you are, you have to figure it out. I think a lot of life is accepting who. we are. I like that. There are things.

about us we know, but society makes us. feel ashamed about it. Tells us there's. something wrong with this. You know, and. so now we run away from certain. realities of who we are. One example. I'll give from myself, I'm extremely. ambitious. Maybe too ambitious. I don't. know if there's a such thing, but I'm. very, very ambitious. And for me, I'm always striving for the next. I got. to do more. I got to do more. I got to. conquer the next thing. But for a long time, I was told this was. bad. Oh, you need to just enjoy the.

moment, celebrate it, stop worrying. about the next thing, all these things. And I remember I took a month where I. said, "Okay, you know what? I'm not. going to pursue anything else. I'm just. going to rest in what I have, be happy. with it.". And it was one of my most depressed. months ever in my life. I felt like a neutered dog. Like it was. like you took all the fire out of me. And when I finally got to a place of. accepting, "Okay, this is who I am, and. I'm wired this way for a reason. God. created me this way because there's a. purpose for me to carry out.".

How that then opens up the dating or how. that creates better dating experiences. that now, by me knowing this part of me. and accepting it, I understand I can. only choose someone who aligns with. that. Yes. You see? But if I'm sit sitting. here trying to be something I'm not, then I'm picking these people who don't. truly fit me, and I don't fit them. And. that's why you have these relationships. or even these marriages where people. wake up 5 years later from this fog, this this excitement they had of their.

partner, to finally see what's really. there, and it's like, "We don't really. like each other." Or we don't get along, or we don't really fit well together, and we're constantly in conflict with. each other. So, if we would just first. really put more energy into. understanding who we are, accepting who. we are, and then we we can then realize. who we need to pick that aligns with. that, that would change the landscape. And and not only would that change the. landscape for so many people, it would. allow us to stop letting situations drag.

on longer than they should. Because a. lot of people, they meet someone, they. really like them, but they can sense. something's missing or something's off. But the problem with people is that. they're being told if you have this. great person, you can't pass that up. You see, if you don't have a very. glaring reason that society deems as. valid, oh, well, then you're being stupid or. being ridiculous. It's like, no, you you. have to trust your spirit, trust your. intuition. Something is telling you and. and it's probably something that you.

can't see, but maybe you can't. articulate it or again, you don't feel. like it's valid enough. But I can tell. you from my position, those little. things is what turns into a big thing. later and destroys the whole. relationship. Absolutely. You know. Yeah. And a third. one? Or it doesn't have to be. Well, I. I'll say this. So, you know, we we said. understand the differences, understand. yourself, and the third one would be. healing. I I I have to always mention that. because I believe the number one issue. faith that people are facing is a lack.

of healing. And that plays into figuring. yourself out because again, you if you. are operating out of a place of fear or. shame or you've been told you weren't. good enough or something about you. wasn't good, even though it that wasn't. the case, well, that's going to make you. struggle with embracing that, Mhm. right? And if you aren't healed and. you're carrying all these negative. perceptions of relationships, love, because a lot of people with their words. say I want love, but in reality, they're. scared of it. All right? They fear being.

that vulnerable. So, they actually. subconsciously choose partners who don't. make them too vulnerable, but they're. good enough to be with, so to speak. Yeah. Which is what I call the safe. choice. Some people hear me say the safe. choice and they misunderstand what I'm. saying. I'm not saying safe as in this. person creates a place of safety for. you. I'm saying this person doesn't take. you to the true level of love, true. vulnerability. You're able to have. emotional control and manage the. situation, but because of that, you're.

never choosing someone you're really. into and you can never be what they. really need, either. And at some point, it's going to fall all apart, but it all. goes back to healing. We've got to heal. and not just heal from the romantic. relationships, from childhood trauma, from everything because it all. contributes to our struggle to connect. with other individuals. Yeah, man. You. said so many interesting things that I. need to like dissect now. So, the first. thing that came to my mind, especially. about the accepting yourself, which I.

really like that idea of. rather than trying to just learn about. yourself or rather than trying to. transform yourself, there's an. acceptance of like who am I? Why am I this way? What does that mean? And I feel like in relationships, people. are looking for someone who perfectly. complements them or perfectly fits them. as opposed to this idea that oh, that. person accepts me for who I am and. allows me to be who I am. So, I always. say this, I'm similar to you. I'm highly. ambitious, really driven, love what I.

get to do. I would be the same as you if. I took a month off. Like I I get that. Yeah. I relate to all. of those things. And my wife is so much. more like a family person, like quality. time, wants to be ambitious, but she. also wants to. be present and all the rest, right? And. we. are not a perfect fit in that sense, but. the reason it works for us is because. she allows me to be me and I allow her. to be her. I've accepted who I am and I.

know what that means and she accepts me. and I accept her back. So, if I said to. her, "Hey, you know what? I don't think. I'm going to come to that family event. cuz I got this work thing that I really. want to get to." She accepts that. She's. okay with that. And if she said to me, "I don't really want to come out to you. at that business thing that you've got. today. I really want to just spend time. with my family." I'd be like, "Cool, I. get it." And I feel like we're just. looking for someone who kind of wants to. do the thing we want to do with us all. the time. But then you start realizing. it becomes about one person. But talking. about ambition, I wanted to ask you,

do you think that men today are. struggling with being attracted to. ambitious, driven, successful women? Yes. But. so okay, I guess the reason why I'm. hesitating in the way I answered that is. when you say men today cuz I would argue. it's probably always been like that. Um. I just think that more there's more. ambitious women now and so there is this. disconnect there. And I think that the. disconnect though isn't simply based off.

of men not wanting an ambitious woman. I think we got to go a lot deeper than. that. Let's do it. And. the unfortunate reality is that and and. I and I want women to understand. I you know, again, I recognize that. there are some women who genuinely are. wired that way, all right? They it feeds. them. The same way it feeds us, it feeds. them to be achieving, to be doing stuff. and I I'm a firm believer, I want women. to walk in their truth, whatever it is.

I will say though there's a segment at. least a segment, a large segment of. those women who are ambitious out of. necessity or even fear. They've been. told never rely on a man. They've been. told you you have to take care of. yourself, right? And so with that they. chase this career. but it's actually at conflict with who. they really are because deep inside they. actually are the woman that values the. family time more, being at the home and. there's nothing wrong with that, but. they have a segment of society telling. them, "Oh, you can't do that's wrong.

You need to be out there strong woman, do your own thing.". And so those women will have a conflict. in dating because they're already at. conflict with themselves. Okay? And that. has to be corrected. So I I always. encourage women like, "Listen, be real. with yourself. There's a lot of women. who they they do the work that they do. not because they love the work or having. to work, but they love the lifestyle it. affords. okay? Which is why for many of them,

whenever we have the conversation about. why can't you date a man who's making. less, right? Well, part of it is because. in the back of her mind, if she has a. dream of one day being able to leave. work, she wants a man who can keep the. lifestyle up, okay? And if he's making. less, well, then in her mind, how will. he be able to keep her lifestyle and. maintain him? Like, it's like, "No, he's. got to be making as much or if not more. so that I can keep this life that I've. built for myself and I love very much.". But again, I think you you it all starts. with understanding, okay, is this really.

who you are or not? Now, going back to. the men, I do think there is a struggle with a. lot of men. One of the things that, at. least it comes to mind first for me, the low issue of low testosterone. And so, I'm very passionate about the. whole testosterone issue. And I And I do. want men to understand, it's deeper than. just testosterone, because sometimes. we're so fixed like, you could have high. testosterone, but if your cortisol. levels are too high, your body's not. even processing the testosterone. correctly. Your stress is blocking it.

If your vitamin D is too low, if your B2. There's other things that can throw it. off. So, don't don't think of life as, "Let me just fix my testosterone and. that's it." But, that can be a huge game. changer for a lot of men. So, if you. have a man who's already Cuz I always. say, some men are not lazy, they're. unhealthy. Mhm. All right? And if he is. not healthy, he has low testosterone, his ability to handle, embrace, respect. an ambitious is going to be a struggle. in some way. Well, it'll be a struggle.

in the sense that it might make him feel. inadequate the way that she may carry. herself with that ambition. However, I. would argue that some of those men A lot. of those men probably want the ambitious. woman simply because for him, I need. somebody who can carry the load, okay? And if she's going to come into my life. and stabilize me, then great. The real. problem is. the ambitious woman does not want that. man. Yeah. She's probably in most cases. looking for a man who is also ambitious,

right? And this is where the disconnect comes. because now it's kind of like the whole. discussion of having two alphas in a. relationship, two very strong. personalities, there's no real balance. there, okay? And for a lot of women, what they're overlooking is what most. men value or at least most men who are. ambitious themselves, who do take care. of themselves, they're looking for a. compliment to that. They're looking for. someone who can love them, pour into. them, you know, contribute to a peaceful.

environment. He doesn't care about your. money and your ambition as much, right? But the guy who doesn't have for. himself, well, he's going to put more. value on those things. And it becomes. this mismatch of individuals. So, a lot. of these women who are ambitious, it's. not that they cannot get a man, they're. struggling to get the type of men they. desire. Mhm. All right? And again, as I. said earlier about how we focus on the. desirables, not the non-desirables, when she says, "I can't meet anyone,".

she's not literally saying, "I can't. meet any man." She's just saying, "I'm. not meeting anyone I actually like and. want to pay attention to." So, in her. mind, "I'm not meeting anyone." Yeah. You see? Yeah. And so, there is a problem with a. lot of men, um and and I do think again, I would. I would pose the question to a lot of. women, "Are you going to be happy in the long. run in that kind of a dynamic?". Yes. You know? Is that really going to. serve you or is that a right now in the. moment thing? Because there's a lot of.

ambitious women who. accepted maybe the less ambitious man, right? Cuz he figured, "All right, well, he loves me. It's going to, you know, he'll he'll be there for me. I can trust. this relationship.". But then over time, she becomes. frustrated with him. You know, he. doesn't take initiative. He's not as. assertive as he as she wants him to be. He doesn't exude the same level of. masculine energy that she desires from a. man. And that will take its toll, and. eventually it will probably blow up the. whole relationship. Yeah, and that and. that's. it's a tough situation to be in because.

you just don't have any idea where. things are going to go. Mhm. Right? You. don't know. Like I always say that when. when my wife met me, I was in debt and had no job. And she was, you know, wonderful enough to like be in. love with me in that place in my life. And we didn't know that things were ever. going to change, but she was kind of. like, as long as we're stable, and you. find a job and we're good, then things. will be great. And I remember that.

giving me a lot of confidence. Like even. though I was in such a like place of. like I remember I was getting rejected. from companies. I wasn't getting any. jobs cuz I just left the monastery. Like. I wasn't it was really tough getting. back into the work. But her being there. kind of gave me confidence in myself and. kind of made me go, "Oh, wow. Well, if a. woman like that can, you know, believe enough to be with a. man like me, then then I've got to work. for it now.". Mhm. And I think the key is, are you are you willing to do that in a. way that gives someone confidence, or. are you someone who gets so affected by.

it, well, no matter what gender you are, where you're now making the other person. feel bad for it? Right? Whatever gender. you are, if you're always like, "Oh, come on. You're just lazy." Or, "Come. on. You need to do more." If you feel. that way about your partner, chances are. that that's going to push them away, not. motivate them to do better. Absolutely. But I think. what what has to be considered in like. using your situation as example is that. she didn't have to create ambition in. you. She activated it. Yeah. She. energized it, okay? But it already. existed within you.

So, for her it was very fortunate that. things that she found a man who actually. wanted to make more of himself. The. unfortunate reality is that there's a. lot of women who will take that approach. with a man and believe that, okay, if I. love on him and pour into him, this will. get him to step up. And it's like, no, he does not have it in him. And there's. nothing you can do. Like, when you think about it, anyone who's. successful has had experiences where, whether it be friends, family, or random. people, where you've tried to help. someone, and no matter what you gave,

you could give him the whole blueprint, right? You can fund them, you can do. everything, and it still becomes. nothing. Because it's just not in them. We cannot. make them into something that they're. not. So, I think it's important that for. a woman, if you're going to take that. approach, you have to do your due. diligence of understanding who he is as. a man, his true character. Are you. projecting a fantasy and a potential on. him that doesn't really exist? All.

right? What does he see himself like? I. would argue, I I don't even know what. conversations you guys had, but there's. a very good chance that if I was there, you were speaking as a man who wanted to. accomplish things. Yeah, for sure. So, she was just, all right, I'm going. to support that. I'm going to get behind. you. That's very different from a woman. saying to him, like, for example, well, you could do this, and you could become. this. And it's like, okay, no, he has to. want that. Yeah. He has to have that vision. distinction. You see? And I think that's where. people, you know, get tripped up and end. up in a situations where and and and to.

your point, the key is ask yourself as a. woman, are you going to be okay if this man. never changes? Because you're you're. placing a bet. All right? There's no. guarantee you're going to win this bet. Are you going to be okay if this man. never changes? If not, I would suggest, because here's another. angle we can look at. Her presence, her love gave you. confidence. But did that have to be given within the. context of a girlfriend-boyfriend. relationship? anything. Exactly. So, if a woman really believes.

in the man, but she knows if this man. doesn't change, I'm going to be really. upset, all right? And I'm going to. cheated. Then all we're saying is maybe. don't cross romantic lines yet. Let that. man know cuz I'll tell you this, if he. has it in him and he has a desire for. that woman and that woman said to him, "Listen, I think you can make a great. partner. I would love to be with you, but I need you to get to a more stable. place first." If he's serious, that's. his motivation right there. That will. get him because as long as he knows,

"Oh, I can get the woman that I of my. dreams, the woman I love if I put in the. work, okay, I'mma do that." But by. getting with him while in the process, for a lot of men, they only do to. acquire. Mhm. And if they already. acquired, then what am I going to do. anything for? Why do I need to go work. and all this extra stuff and or try to. do more to make more money when I'm. getting fed, I'm getting sex, I have a. roof over my head? Yeah. For a lot of. men, that is enough. There's only a.

smaller segment of men who you can give. them all those things and it doesn't. matter. They have to do more. It's just. who they are. Yeah. So that has to be. acknowledged and recognized. when a woman's going to determine if. she's going to actually engage in that. kind of a dynamic. It is more likely. when a woman goes to her friends and. family to tell them that this. relationship fell apart, they're going. to say, "Hey, you know, you're you're. better than that. He doesn't deserve. you." Those type of things to build her. up, make her feel good, not really. pointing out where she may have gotten. things wrong. There is literally advice.

that tells people ignore someone if you. want them more or want them to want you. more, okay? Like literally, when you. understand what people are being fed, then you start to realize it's not as. simple as if they want to, they would. No, talk to them first because if I'm. being told as a woman, "I'm great. Nothing's wrong with me. These men are. horrible, right? And there's nothing for me to do. different.". So then anything that goes wrong will. always be viewed through the lens of men.

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Men get a lot of blame. Yeah. Is it. fair? It is unfair, completely unfair. One of the big problems that exists is. that a lot of women are not being told. accurate stories of other women's dating. experiences. Now, that isn't to say. there aren't genuinely bad men out. there, bad experiences, and all that. But what they fail to understand is. that, whether it be their friends, their. family, whoever, when she goes on that. date, or she's in that relationship, and.

things go wrong, she may leave out parts. of what she did to contribute to the. problem. And so, you're hearing this. very one-sided. uh a view of the situation, which is. going to almost always paint the man in. the negative light. And so, the woman. starts to develop this very negative. perception of men based off all these. stories she's being fed. Then you add. the internet, right? And and the. internet is built off of sensationalism. and people coming up with all kinds of.

craziness to make the opposite gender. look bad. So, whether it's men talking. about women or women talking about or. the same gender talking down on their. gender, whatever it is, they're trying. to hype up negative stories. So, even. though these negative stories exist, we. don't always realize they're not so much. the majority. They could be the. minority, they're just being pushed a. lot more. And so, yeah, it does create. this very unfair this unfair view of. men. And I And I think there's there's. again a little bit on both sides, to be. honest with you. Talk to me about how do.

those negative stories actually affect. us? Because I think we don't think about. that sometimes in terms of if every time. you're talking to someone it's like, "Oh, yeah, this just happened. Oh, yeah, yeah, same thing happened to my friend. Oh, yeah, same thing happened to that. friend." And like you said, we don't. have the full data, it's not always. happened to us. Yeah. And then it spreads, but what does. that psychologically and even. emotionally do to our own mind and brain. and heart? Well, I think it's just human. nature to where we take our negative. experiences and we project it onto that. that demographic of whoever it's.

attached to. So, it's like if someone. gets robbed by a certain demographic of. people, they may start to develop a fear. towards that those people. Even though. it was one isolated incident, they now. become cautious to them. So, in dating, when you start to experience or hear all. these negative things towards men, let's. say, well, you're naturally going to. become more defensive, more negative. And then what What you don't realize is. you create these self-fulfilling. fulfilling prophecies because you go.

into the dating experience bracing for. negativity or projecting it, not. realizing you're creating it, okay? And. so, what also makes it worse and and it. hit me when you were asking the question. is that And again, I don't want women to. feel like I'm just saying like women. don't take any responsibility or. anything like that cuz there's plenty of. women who do. However, it is more likely when a woman. goes to her friends and family to tell. her that tell them that this. relationship fell apart. They're going. to say, "Hey, you know, you're you're. better than that. He doesn't deserve.

you." Those type of things to build her. up, make her feel good, not really. pointing out where she may have gotten. things wrong. The man goes to his friends and other. people about the relationship that fell. apart. "Man, you were stupid anyway. You. should have done this." Like they're. going to come down on him regardless. And whether he likes it not, he's going. to have to accept some level of personal. accountability. Well, that also now. shapes how they approach the next dating. situation. Now, unfortunately, I do. think that there are some men who when.

they run to the internet and they hear. women bad, women bad, women bad, they. become blind to their own flaws. But, I think you can make the argument. that women have a an audience of. uplifters more than men do. And that. will now skew how people view the. opposite sex. And now those negative. stories are only going to have even more. of an impact. Because if I'm being told. as a woman, I'm great. Nothing's wrong. with me. These men are horrible, right?

And there's nothing for me to do. different. So then anything that goes wrong will. always be viewed through the lens of men. are just horrible people. Like you're. never going to think, "Well, wait a. minute. Maybe there was something. missing from this story or maybe she. could have handled things different.". No, you're going to jump right to. they're bad. Because that's what you're. being told over and over again. And then. it's being solidified by some of your. own personal experiences, but you may. not realize what's contributing to those.

experiences even coming about. Yeah, that's a that's a really interesting way. to look at it because. there was a Facebook group and I forget. what it's called now, but it's basically. for I think it's called Are We Dating. the Same Man? And it's been built because there are so. many women who are experiencing men. dating them at the same time even though. he's saying he's exclusive with one. So. I had this happen to someone that I know. recently and she was seeing this guy for. like 6 months. and then they were or 3 months sorry,

they were seeing each other for 3. months. They were getting a bit closer. It was. long distance. He'd come out to see her. and she was about to go and see him. So she messaged him and said, "Hey, I'm. coming out. I just want to make sure. that we're taking it in the right. direction." cuz she's buying a flight. She's coming over. She's investing in. the relationship and this guy who. messaged her every day just ghosted her. Mhm. So she went on to this Facebook. group and she wrote about it a few days. later when she was like, "Wait a minute, this guy's not getting back to me. I've. lost the flight ticket. I'm not in a.

great place." And then this other woman. messaged back and was like, "Hey, let's. connect offline.". So then she shared her story. This guy. supposedly is married. Mhm. He's then. been dating this other girl who just. found out that he's married saying he. was going to get divorced and now he was. dating the person that I know. mercy. And so I think when you hear a. story like that, it's no surprise that. that spreads cuz that's a fascinating. juicy story and it's heartbreaking for. the people that are actually invested. and involved in it. And I think that.

empathy even when I heard that story, I. was so heartbroken. But we have to. remember that isn't the majority. It does exist and it's really sad and if. it's happened to you, I'm so sorry. Like. I feel like. that that could be the worst thing to go. through. Mhm. But it isn't the majority and we. have to be careful about how we amplify. the minority experience. Exactly. And I. think what we're not realizing as a. society is that. the reality is there we base our. perceptions of the opposite sex on what.

I call the desirables. All right? That. top 20% of men or women who get the most. attention, who have the most. opportunities. And it kind of goes back. to that belief of how great power can. corrupt. All right? So, even the good, nice guy, if he now becomes a man who. has all kinds of beautiful women coming. after him, he has all this access, not. all, but there are many who will start. to fall into behaviors that they. wouldn't have before, who will start to. become more of a womanizer, who will.

start to enjoy all this access that they. have, right? And the reality is that. when we hear these stories, this is not. a story of the average man who just. wants a relationship, looking for love, is genuine. Maybe he doesn't get all the. attention, maybe he's not the most. desirable guy, but he's a good guy. But that's not where we're going to put. our attention. And it's the same thing. with women. When you when you hear men. on the internet say, "Women just want. money. Women just want money." Now, granted, women value financial stability.

in men, most, okay? And I think that. most men should strive for some level of. stability. However, there are tons of. women dating broke men. All right? There. are tons of women who that is not their. number one priority. It's a desire, but. they want to be loved, they want quality. time, they want these other things. But. again, if it's not being said by the. audience that the men fixate so much on, they don't hear those voices. Yeah. They just focus on the women who. again, and I'm using the word desirable.

not because I'm determining what's. desirable, I'm just laying out the. people who get the most attention, who. tend to get more attention. For whatever. reason, right or wrong, that's what. happens in life. And so, we got to. realize that they do not represent the. majority. And we and we have to ask. ourselves sometimes, are we focusing too. much on the wrong group of people when. we're trying to come to an understanding. of the opposite sex? For sure. When when. people are dating, what are some of the. things to look out for when you're.

thinking about long-term success? Because I think the challenge people are. having now is like someone will love a. bomb for 3 months. Everything's moving amazing. It's. getting really intense. Like. dates are great, hanging out is great, the intimacy is great, and then all of a. sudden it's like one person kind of. checks out and goes, "Hey, I don't think. this is working for me. We're moving too. fast. Hey, we should slow this down. Hey, I think I think we rushed into it.". And then you're like, "Wait a minute. I. I thought we were going to get married, right? Or like I thought this was going.

somewhere.". What are we meant to do? What What are. people meant to do in those first 3, 6, 12 months if you had to give markers. to kind of slow it down cuz I think we. all want to fall in love fast, but it doesn't seem to ever work. healthily that way or it doesn't work. often healthily that way. Well, I will. before I get into what we should do with. those markers, I think the I always say this, love. bombing is only when it's a one-sided. thing. So basically, two people meet, one. person is showering them with all this.

love and attention and going hard, and. for the other person, it's not them. saying, "Oh, I'm in love with them.". It's them saying, "This feels so good. I'm enjoying this. Let me keep this. going." You see? But if you both and and. and let's use a different example where. you could have two people meet and they. both feel this intense connection. immediately. They are both feeling. strongly about each other. To me, that's. not a love bomb, all right? That's just. a connection that two people are. embracing a lot quicker than maybe some.

others would, all right? Yeah, good distinction. So now, if those. two people moved {quote} {unquote} fast. by society's standards, I don't have a. problem with that. As long as they do. their due diligence, which is part of. what we got to do within those times. marker times. But there's nothing wrong. like I I knew a couple, they came to one. of my events, they got married I think. in like 3, 4 months. And they said it. they watched one of my videos and family. and friends were like, "Oh, you're This. is stupid. This is wrong." But they. heard me explain it and they're like, "This was them. This applied to them.". They felt a connection, they were on the.

same page. And what people have to. understand is one couple's 3 months is. not the same as the next couple's 3. months. So, one couple in their 3 months. may have been talking every single day, spending time multiple times a week, asking all these questions, diving deep. to each other, meeting each other's families. They've. done so much due diligence, they don't. need years more to figure this out. The. next couple, they talk here and there. They They see each other once a week, every other week. They're very busy.

And so, the moments together feel great, but they really haven't spent enough. time diving deep into each other. So, we have to remember that. But, as. far as what we should be doing is we. should be trying to learn as much about. the person as quickly as possible. I think too many times we have an. approach of like going with the flow. type of deal. For sure. And we'll just figure it out as we go. along. And in reality, there's a part of. you that that doesn't want to rock the.

boat because again, we're enjoying the. companionship. If you're having sex, you're enjoying the sex. There's. different benefits here that you don't. want to let go of. So, you're you're. purposely or subconsciously not asking. questions you know might be a problem. Yes. Yes. So true. And so now, when. things blow up a year later, it's all I. I you never know some No, you wouldn't. ask the questions that needed to be. asked. The quicker you can put those. questions out there, the quicker you can. expose And I use the word expose not in. a negative way, but in a way of gaining.

clarity. Revealing, yeah. Yes, revealing who this person is and. what we have with each other. Yeah. Okay? But, I also think that it always. starts with we have to be honest about. how we feel. Too many people are. choosing their partner based off of do. they love me rather than do I love them? Oh, so awesome. Okay? And if you don't truly love them, if you're not in love with them, nothing. else matters. Because if you think it's. going to be safe for you to pick them.

because they love you, so when you have. that scenario where you said, "All. right, things are going real fast. Let's. Let's paint it." Man love bombs the. woman, he's going hard. And let's just. say he's really infatuated with this. woman. So, he To him, he believes I'm. into this woman. To her, she doesn't. really She's not into him like that, but. man, he's a nice guy. This feels so. good. All right, I'm going to go along. with it. 6 months, 8 months pass, whatever, he pulls back. This is not always the case, but in many. cases, he pulls back because he finally.

wakes up and realizes, "Dang, I'm doing. all this for this woman, but she's not. really into me." And it may not be him. coming to that realization first, it. might be a friend or a family member. like, "Yo, do you see how she moves?" I. noticed you do this, but she doesn't do. this for you. And now he starts to think. like, "Man, wait a minute. She really. She's not coming at me the way I come at. her." But in that moment, let's say he. tries to pull away. Well, she's enjoying. this attention so much, she doesn't want. to lose it, whether she's in love with. him or not, and her fear of losing it.

now tricks her into thinking, "I'm in. love with this man." So, now she fights. to keep him. And then now he feels, "Okay, validated. She's trying." They. move forward, but the reality was they. were never both truly in love with each. other. He was infatuated, and she was. just enjoying how it felt. Yeah. And they reached a point where she. was afraid to lose this. And of course, whether you're a man or a woman who's. the one going hard, you don't want to. feel like all your time was wasted. You. don't want to feel like you were wrong. So, if they give you anything to hold on.

to, you're going to run with it. For sure. And next thing you know, you're married with kids, and you're. like, "Well, what happened?" What. happened was you two were never truly in. love with each other. Yeah. So, in those 3 months, 6 months, whatever, do your due diligence, and. really be honest with yourself about how. you feel about this person, because if. you don't have it in you, trust and. believe whatever they think they're. having for you is not true love. It's. something else going on. Yeah, and and even for the person who. does the love bombing, to realize that.

no one will ever be able to match you. Like, because and you wanting them to. match you isn't even fair, because it. was already above and beyond what a. normal person would do. Yeah. And so even when you're sitting. there and you're going like, "Oh, well, they're not doing the same thing back. for me." or whatever. It's like, "Yeah, no surprise. It's only 3 months." And. like, how are you expecting someone to. reciprocate in that way in 3 months? And. I think for me, you know what? You hit. the nail on the head. Like, I've been.

looking at I can't relate to in dating. anymore, cuz I'm not dating, but I was. looking at a new business opportunity. And I was meeting a potential new. business partner, and it was the same. exact thing. I felt a good connection, so did they. We're really excited to get. going. Then I spoke to some good. advisers that I have in my life. You. know, like, "Have you asked these. questions?". Mhm. And I was like, "No, but it just. feels good. I haven't asked these. questions." They're like, "Well, you. should ask those questions." And the. whole reason I didn't want to ask those. questions is because I thought it'd ruin.

the connection. But it was so funny. I sat down last. week, asked the questions, and actually. the questions made me feel more. confident. But, there were more. questions I realized I hadn't asked. So, now I followed up with those questions. And that's where I realized, if you are. scared of asking questions because. you're scared that they will weaken the. relationship, it's actually the other way around. If. you ask the right questions and it's the. right relationship, it will strengthen. the relationship. You actually come. closer. And so, asking the right. questions isn't about ruining a good.

thing. It's about making sure it's an. actually good thing. Exactly. been feeling in business all this in the. last couple of weeks has been my life. So, you really opened my eyes to that. right now, that just how much we're so. in our head about trying to save. something that doesn't even exist yet. Exactly. Exactly. And like you said, if. if it's going to scare them away, then. you saved yourself the time cuz it was. going to be a bad situation. So, never. fear it. We just have to We have to get. out of our own perception of what we. think we want or what's good or what's.

better. It's like, "No, just if it's not. there, it's not there." And that means. something better will come along. Yeah. Is the. cliche, "If he wanted to, he would.". true? It is absolutely false. I hate. It is one of the many I hate. And here's. the reason why I hate it. It can be true. So, okay. Let If we look. at human beings as. when when we're younger and we haven't. experienced any trauma, disappointment,

all these things, then I think something. like that can be true. So, think about. like two kids in high school, right? And. the boy's never experienced love. He. falls for some woman. There's nothing. that will pretty much stop him in many. cases from going after that woman, pursuing all these things. But the reality is that as human beings, we go through life experiences that make. us cautious, that make us fearful, that. causes us to doubt, right? And so now it. can create a level of hesitation, a unwillingness to cross certain lines.

So, yes, a man could love a woman. He. could be willing, but you have to find. out what may be the blockage. So, to me, it. it's I will apply that saying if a woman. has let it be known to that man what she. needs from him. Okay? So, if for. example, two people start dating and she's really. big on communication, right? So, she. wants to hear from him every single day, okay? He's calling every few days, right? And.

some girlfriend says to her, "Well, if. he wanted to, he would." And she runs. with that and cuts him off because well, clearly he must not be serious. But what. you didn't know was the last girl he. dated when he called her every day, she. felt like he he was smothering her. So, now he's scared to call every day cuz he. doesn't know what you want. He doesn't. want to come off needy or overbearing or. whatever, so he's trying to play it. cool. It has nothing to do with his. desire or willingness. It has everything. to do with him trying to navigate this. situation because of what he's either.

been advised or been through or. whatever. So, that's why the key is if. that same woman says to him, "Listen, I'm not hearing from you as much as I. want to. If you're going to date me, I. need to have constant, you know, consistent communication. We need to. talk every single day." Now, if he's. really serious about her, he'll call her. every day. You giving them the green. light, he's going to do it. You see? And. if he's not serious about her, then he. will probably come up with excuses, he'll dance around it, whatever the case. may be. But now you can run with that. statement because it's been made clear. to him. But there's so many underlying.

things going on and so many reason. especially when you consider the advice. being given on the internet nowadays, all right? Like there is literally. advice that tells people ignore someone. if you want them more or you want them. to want you more, okay? Like literally, when you understand what people are. being fed, then you start to realize. it's not as simple as if they want to, they would. No, talk to them first. Yeah. And then I always say the way to. determine how serious someone is about.

you is not in seeing what they do on. their own, it's seeing how they handle. your expression of concerns and. feelings. Mhm. Okay. That's what's going. to show you how not just how serious. they are about you, but how mature they. are and and if they're emotionally ready. to be in a relationship cuz someone who. cannot hear you out is not ready for a. real relationship, all right? But if. they can sit, talk to you, listen, not. dismiss, and now make positive changes, all right, then it's all good. Yeah, but I find that's the thing going.

back to your third point, I find that's. the thing that's so hard today because. that requires healing. To be able to. hear someone out, to be able to listen. to someone's concerns and challenges and. how they feel and to actually validate. it without invalidating yourself. Right? I think that's why we struggle so much. because if someone's saying something. like if you were saying to me like, "Hey. Jay, like you know, I I don't like the way that, you know, your your friends speak to me when. they're around.". If I hear that, I hear I start defending.

my friends cuz I'm like, "What are you. talking about? My friends are amazing. Like they're they're they're the best. They're the greatest." Now I've. invalidated you to validate myself cuz. we think validation means I invalidate. you, I validate myself. Or if I validate. you, then I'm invalidating myself. Maturity is, "Oh, I can validate you and. also stand true to who I am." That's a. healed individual and so I can agree. with you and I can also share my. perspective, but I find that if we're. looking for that off the bat, don't you. feel like that portion of people is.

really small? It is, but this is the. unfortunate harsh reality. Because that. portion is so small and because we. overlook those types of issues, well, that's why we have so much unhealthy. relationships. That's why we have such a. high divorce rate. And I always tell. people, people love to harbor on the. divorce rate as an argument not to get. married. And I'm like, "Hold up. If we. could quantify the breakup rate, it. would probably make the divorce rate. look like child's play, all right?". People break up way more and and so much.

trauma, so much hurt happens in the. boyfriend-girlfriend. relationship dynamic. So, the reality is that yes, if we took this. approach that said someone needs to be. emotionally mature before we can enter. into a relationship with them, relationships would plummet. There There would be a lot less. relationships. However, two things would. happen from that. There would be more. healthy relationships and people would. start to realize this is an unacceptable.

trait that they're carrying with them. If people are experiencing where they. can be dismissive, they cannot learn to. be emotionally in tune and mature and. intelligent enough to how to handle. someone's feelings and concerns, well, they will never understand the need to. fix that. All right? And it's the same. It's that same issue. Like literally, I. was just coaching a married couple who. they're going through it right now. And. one of the big issues is they're both. very dismissive of each other when. they're expressing their concerns. All. right? So, it's like, yeah, you can look.

past this if you want, but you're going. to pay a price. Is that price worth it? And most do not survive that. At some. point, you're going to have to learn it. anyway, right? So, I just think, yeah, I. I I think it'd be best And I understand. and I'm speaking idealistically. Realistically, most people are going to. overlook this issue. Most people are. going to give a pass, right? But, I. think even if you're going to give a. pass to a certain extent, it needs to be. discussed. It needs to be understood.

And to your point, I love that you said. cuz I I literally just did a video on my. men's channel about how to communicate. with a woman more effectively. And one. of the things I expressed was how, "Listen, in that situation where she. says, 'I don't like the way your friend. speaks to me.' You can still say, 'I. understand that's how you feel. I don't. see it that way, but let me try to. understand why you feel that way.' You. see what I'm saying? So, I'm going to. meet you where you are. I'm going to. acknowledge your feelings. I'm still. going to express my view is different. than yours, but let's see if we can come.

to an understanding of this." That in. itself would eliminate so many. arguments. Totally. Totally, yeah. So much conflict. just by doing that. So, I do think that. men and women, everyone needs to. understand we need to strive for that at. the very least. Most breakups, if not. all, are a blessing in disguise. We just. can't see where the blessing is in that. moment. The blessing could simply be. that the relationship has needed certain. things addressed and you guys will be. able to come back together and make it. better than ever. Some of you needed to.

be cheated on. because if you weren't, you would have. never left that relationship. But you. always knew it was an unhealthy. relationship. It was toxic way before. the cheating occurred, but you were in. denial of that and were trying to hold. on to something that wasn't best for. you. I'm a believer in. I don't give myself any more than 3. days, all right? 3 days to grieve. whatever it is, whatever disappointment, hurt. After 3 days, get back on my feet, get to work, and go through my healing. process. I think this is an important. question because I think a lot of people.

have a type, going back to your. desirables that they're looking for. Is. that helping or hurting them when. they're dating? So, there's nothing. wrong with a type to a certain extent as. long as you're not so married to that. type to where there's no flexibility. outside of that, all right? But I do. think that at the end of the day. and this may sound bad to some people, but this is just the reality of it. The more desirable you are, the more it it it becomes even necessary. for you to have a type. So, the analogy.

I like to give is let's just say. someone's applying at a job at Walmart, and that's no shade to Walmart or anyone. who works at a Walmart, right? But the. reality is that to be a cashier at. Walmart comes with less requirements, right? And not many people are all. lining up to go work at Walmart. So, Walmart might get five applicants, right? They can sit down with each. applicant. They can be more flexible and. see who fits the job. If Google is. hiring for a six-figure or seven-figure. position, they're going to have.

thousands of applicants, right? There's. going to be a greater level of. requirement. There has to be at this. position. And now, they can't sit down. with every person. They're going to have. to weed them out. And once upon a time, how did they do that? They would. eliminate you by the color of your. resume, the font on your res- Forget. your qualifications, okay? Just the mere. presentation because they had to. They. had to weed it down to a certain segment. and then from there choose who's going. to be best. So, in dating and.

relationships there's nothing wrong with. honing in on your audience that you want. to pull from. However, I think that No, I think I know that connection can. transcend our type, okay? And I believe. the key is always being open to. connection in whatever package it comes. Now, I want people to understand when I. say whatever package, it doesn't mean. you won't be attracted to them, all. right? It doesn't mean you're going to. be disgusted by them any kind of way. It. just means that plenty of people, if not. everyone, even when having a type have.

found someone outside that box that they. found attractive, all right? That they. may even feel drawn to. You have to be. open and flexible in that way, all. right? And I think for me, it's less. about having such a strict type, but. more so fundamental principles. Like, I. think attraction is important, all. Agree. Communication is important. There's a level of if you're into energy. or you can pick up on people's energy, that's going to be important. And to me, those are foundational things. It's less.

about what they got to be this tall or. they have to have this type of job, but. there are some core traits that there's. nothing wrong with that. So, I do think. for those that the type is working. against, it's because they might be too. strict, there's no flexibility, and. they're also not understanding. are you the type that the type wants? Mhm. Okay? So, you can want your type. all you want, that's fine, right? Nothing wrong with that. But, are you. really tapping into the type of partner. they would want? And if And it's not.

even. are you willing and both can you sustain. that? All right? Because there's a lot. of people trying to present a certain. kind of way to get this type of. individual. and they may get them, but they can't. keep it up. I'mma give one example. And again, it's never shade to any. gender when I use them as an example, but let's say there's a man who wants. this ridiculously beautiful woman, right? Yeah. Who is accustomed to the. high life. Yeah. All right? And having all kinds of. men shower her with gifts and money. And he knows, one, he don't have money.

like that. And two, he does not have the. desire to keep up that lifestyle. But. he's so infatuated with this woman, he. goes and he pulls out all the stops. Fancy dinners, gifts, all these things. And he gets her. But then after a few months, the real. him comes out. And now he doesn't want. to go to the nice restaurant, Ron. He. doesn't want to take the nice trip. He. thinks that bag is way too expensive. And now she's pissed off because it's. like, "Wait a minute, you sold me on. this." And to him it's, "Oh, well,

you're ungrateful." Or you're No, you. tricked her. Yeah. You tricked her and. you tricked yourself because you were so. fixated on this type and this person, but you never questioned, can you really. be that? Are you really that? And can. you keep that going for the rest of your. life? And if you can't, all right, go to. a different a different type of. different type of, you know, person, whatever, that fits who you are. And it. goes back to really understanding who. you are, accepting it, and embracing the. type of people who fit that individual.

For sure. And that And that's such a. great example cuz it's a simple one, but. it actually applies to all the deeper. things, too. Anything you're infatuated. by in another person and you pretend to. be that. Whether it's you're interested. in a specific sport, you're interested. in hanging those places, you're. interested in their business. You Like you said, you're tricking. yourself. And And so many people are. doing that. And. a lot of these are tricks. And you even. called out some of them. I think there's. so much bad advice right now. There's so. many of these kind of myths that are. just floating about. And one of the big.

ones is. I want to get your take on this. Should. the person you're dating or seeing feel. jealous when you get attention? Is that a sign of love? My My instinct. to is say no. 100% no. Yeah, I'm with. you. Um I I think. to be honest with you, there's a level. of insecurity there. All right. Now, don't get me wrong. I do think when we. love someone. there may be at least some part of us, right? That's going to have a eye open. to all this attention you're getting. I.

think that's natural. But to be bothered by it, usually speaks. to you not having a sureness in. yourself. All right? And in the. relationship. And in the relation. Exactly. That and that's such a key. So, I want to give a quick story cuz I think. this is Please. lines up perfectly. I. once had a man, he came to me, he was. having a problem in his marriage. And. his issue was his wife had this male. best friend who she was showing all this. attention to, okay? And he was like they. would be arguing about this friend and. he she just doesn't want to let go of.

this friend and all these things. And I said, "Well, listen. Trying to argue against her friend when. she's saying it's not it's platonic, there's nothing there, you have nothing. to worry about is a very difficult. battle. Let me ask you, what's the quality of. the relationship? And he's like, "Oh, it's not that great. We got some. issues." I said, "Okay. Before we worry. about this friend let's focus on. solidifying the relationship. Yeah. All right? Let's make that strong. Let's make that good. And then see what. happens." He hit me up, I want to say.

like three, four months later. He said, "Man, your advice worked perfectly.". love that. By him shifting his focus to. the relationship quality and fixing. everything in there the issue with the. friend completely disappeared. She. naturally was not showing the friend any. more attention like she was anymore. Uh. just everything fell into place. So, going back to your your point about. jealousy. yes, I feel people aren't being honest. with themselves that they do not feel. secure in their relationship for various. reasons. And this attention that your.

partner is getting is a threat to you. It is a threat that well, what if they. like it so much they take someone up on. their offer. All right? But if you. really felt good about yourself in this. relationship, you're just not going to. worry about it. And I think also it goes. to a level of I'm going to use the word. evolving in life and understanding that. you cannot control everything. So to me, I just feel like and and I have a. feeling you're probably the same exact. way. I'm not going to be worried about this. attention again and because at the end. of the day, if you're going to do.

something wrong, you're going to do it. wrong. Me trying to police you it's a. waste of my energy. It is too stressful. I don't want that life. All right? Do. your thing. Now if you do something. you're not supposed to do, you will pay. a consequence. I will let you go. But. I'm not going to sit here and check on. this and watch this or you can't go. here. Man, do what makes you happy, enjoy yourself, and I want you to to. live in your truth. I don't want to. suppress you in any kind of way. And. I'm going to bring this up. Yeah, go on. And I'm just going to say.

this is a theory. I'm not saying I'm. accurate, but it's something for. everyone to think about. So th- talking about attention, I I do. think that. in most cases the ish the the dynamic is. usually the woman getting a ton of. attention and the man not knowing how to. handle that. And there are a lot of men. on the internet who like they go in on. these women who oh well you you're. always wanting this attention, you're. posting here. There was even celebrities. once that talked about something like. that and they went in on her. Anyways, I. have this theory or I have this. question. I was like, "What if attention.

for women is like sexual desire for. men?" Mhm. And what I mean by that is. you'll hear men make the argument of. well I can have sex with these different. women and it's nothing. I it doesn't. mean anything to me, but they just enjoy. the sex. They would never leave the. woman they love, all these things. And. I'm not advocating for any cheating or. anything. I'm just explaining this. dynamic. Yes. Well, that's how a lot of women view. attention. She may enjoy attention, but. she has no plan on entertaining any of. those men. She will go back to her man,

but she still likes to get a compliment. She likes to go out and hear people say, "Oh, you look good today. Oh my gosh, that dress is nice." But it's not. because like she's this bad person. It. just might be an inner desire. And and. again, there's going to be different. scales of that desire. There's going to. be some women who don't want attention. at all. They don't like it, right? But there's going to be others who love. it. And I I think sometimes we demonize. these things and it goes back to.

understanding and respecting the. differences between the genders and. between individuals, okay? And you I. think for a man if or for a woman, if. you're dealing with that person, what's. important is to understand why they. enjoy the attention. Where does that. come from? Does it come from an. inadequacy? Does it come from you not. giving them attention? Are they starving. at home? So now they have to go outside. to get it, right? Or is it someone who. just they they feed off of that stuff.

They love it, but again, it doesn't make. them a bad person. But to go back to. your question, um I don't think you have. to be jealous of someone to love them. I. can love you to death and not get. jealous, you know? Because again, I'm. not worried about it. But I do think. when we do get a little bit jealous, that's also like it's just normal. It's. normal, you know? it's Yeah, I feel like the discomfort is. natural. When it gets to jealousy and. you're kind of ruining the relationship. you have and now checking up and. policing as you said, that starts to. become unhealthy. And then ultimately,

if it's leading to an internal. insecurity between you and yourself, I. mean, it can spiral out of control. And. I think sometimes we almost want the. other person to feel jealous. That's. what I was trying to get at. It's like. Okay. this feeling of like, "Oh, well, they don't get jealous when I get. attention." It's like, "Well, it goes. back to what you're saying." We're just. trying to play games. Yeah. Like if it's coming from that. place, of course. Am I uncomfortable. when it happens? Of course, I am. If you. love someone, you like someone, of. course. But I don't want to make my. partner have to feel jealous when I'm. feeling that way. Like that to try and.

keep them in entertained and try and. keep them interested. goes back to the point if you are. looking to make them jealous, is it. because you're not getting what you need. in this relationship in general? Probably, yeah. You see what I'm saying? Like something is probably missing or. not cuz a lot of people will do things. to just get a reaction out of their. partner. For sure. It's because they want to see. that you care. And if I have to see that. you care, that means you're not showing. me in other ways or at least I'm not. feeling it in other ways that you care. There's a disconnect there. So, rather.

than jumping to the whole make them. jealous because that's a dangerous game. to play because what people don't. realize is yes, you may have succeeded. in making them jealous, but you may have. also planted a seed of insecurity. Yeah. And now they have to worry. Do you. really want someone else's attention and. time? Are you entertaining someone else? And so now. you got this initial great feeling of. their jealousy, but what's the backlash. that comes from it later on? You see. what I'm saying? What have you created?

So, to me you got to go to the it's. always about getting to the real root of. the issue. Why are we behaving in this. way? Why are we trying to make this. happen? Now, I think there's some. couples where they just playfully do. these things. It's not that serious to. them, right? And that's fine, but you. just want to make sure this is not. coming from an unhealthy place because. you're going to create a more unhealthy. situation. One thing I love about your. advice is that you're constantly. encouraging people. to have deeper communication.

You keep saying, "Hey, but you got to. understand why you feel that way and. where that comes from and. how that person processes it and. you in all of your work, your amazing. books, your YouTube channel, you always. talk about communication. How do you. communicate with someone who doesn't. like to communicate? Because there are so many people I know. that if their partner asked them this. kind of question, the partner would be. like, "I don't really think about that. stuff." Or. "I don't really know." Or just go quiet.

I've heard this from so many people. I'm. sure you see it all the time. How do you. communicate with someone who doesn't. want to communicate? Well, my my initial. response is going to be you don't. communicate with them at all. You let. them go. But. Let's say you've already gone too deep. Yeah, we and we know it's not always. that simple. Yeah. So, and this is part. of the problem of not understanding. ourselves coming into it. Because the. reality is that levels of communication. or what each person needs is going to. differ, right? Some people need a lot of.

communication, some not much. And so, when you're dealing with someone who. cannot communicate, I do think you have. to ask yourself one, if this is not going to change, are you. going to be okay? And also, what which. which types of discussions are we unable. to have? So, for example, if a woman or. a man wants to be able to have like. political discussions with their. partner, right? And their partner. doesn't want to engage in that type of. stuff. To me, that's not worth leaving them for. Now,

of course, everyone's different. And if. it's going to bother you to the point. where it's going to affect your ability. to show up in this relationship the way. that you need to, then you still should. walk away regardless of what it means to. me or how I view it or anyone else views. it. However, I do think one of the. things we're missing in many. relationships is understanding how we. can supplement certain things, right? So, you know how they say it takes a a. village to raise a child? I think it. takes a village to have successful. marriages and relationships. Because, okay, maybe and I'm again, I'm just.

going to use the women as an example. Let's say you had something stressful. happen to you today, you want to call. your husband, right? But he's busy right. now, and he's busy a lot. And that can. be very frustrating. Okay, well, maybe. you can supplement it by talking to your. mom first or your female friend. That. way you can get all your frustration. out, you can vent, he can do his thing, and then when he has more time later, you can do a quick recap. And now that. works for everybody. You see what I'm. saying? But the problem is for some. people when your partner is your whole. world.

and you don't have any outlets, this creates a lot of frustration and. conflict. So, I do think that's one when. we consider the whole communication. issue. But if if we're having issues. with discussing our relationship. problems, things that need to be. addressed, that is it's it's hard for me to give. any kind of work around that. Cuz if we. can't discuss it, how can we fix it? You. see? And so, of course, I'm all for, you. know, trying to understand what this.

person's uh hesitancy is, why they. struggle in this way, um is because a. lot of times it's not as simple as well, they just don't communicate. Totally. There's something going on. Maybe they feel like you're going to not. going to listen to what they have to. say, they're used to being dismissed. Like I I have to throw out there. I love women, but. women swear they're great communicators, and a lot of times they're not, okay? And. they don't realize how in that moment.

because they're so women are so in tune. with how they feel, and they're so. immersed in it that it's easy for them. to become blind to how it's impacting. someone else or how someone else is. feeling in that same exact moment. See, when she's calm and cool, she probably. can pick up on things easy, right? But. when she's passionate, when she's. feeling strongly about something, whatever, she's frustrated, that blocks. a lot. And so, a lot of women don't. realize in their discussions with their. partners how negative they were, how.

dismissive they were, all these things, and the dude shuts down. Yeah. And so, going forward, he doesn't want to talk. about anything cuz to him it's. pointless. This isn't going to go. anywhere. It's going to be you saying. how you feel, you're not going to listen. to what I how I feel, what's the point? It reminds me of how a lot of men don't. want to go to counseling because they. view counseling as a one-sided affair. The woman's going to say all bad things. that he does, and when he tries to. express himself, it's going to be used. against him. So, he's like, what's the. point? So, as a woman or a man, cuz it.

can happen to both sides, you have to. start with, am I creating an environment. for healthy communication? Period. All. right? Because if you're not, any. attempts to pull out of them more. communication is not going to work. All. right? So, start with checking yourself, checking your energy, checking your. tone, how are you approaching things. I. also think for people who are struggling. to to communicate, consider doing it via. letters, right? Some people struggle to. talk.

But maybe if they can just write it down. on their own time, it's going to be so. much easier for them. And then we can. discuss the letters verbally, right? But. start with the writing. And I think the. writing is good even for those who can. communicate verbally because it's so. easy for us to get distracted, for. people to deflect, for things to get. just go off track in a verbal. conversation. But in a letter, where you. get to sit down and make sure everything. comes out, you're checking your tone, like it's just a more full experience.

And then for the person, when when we listen, we tend to listen to rebuttal. When we read, we read to process. Okay? So, it's a very different approach that. we take mentally. So, now it's easier. for your partner to understand and take. in what you got to say when they can. read it, and they can read it over and. over, and they can fixate on one part, okay, this might be what you mean, and. now we can discuss it and dive deeper. I. think that would unlock a lot of.

people's communication issues right. there. answer. And also, when you're forced to. write, you don't say that much stuff. that you don't mean. Yeah. Right? When. you have to write something down. consciously, chances are you're going to. word it. Exactly. You're not in the heat of the. moment. Yeah, because you're trying to explain. it and you don't just write it down in. the same way. And as I was hearing you. speak, I was just thinking. there's something I really want women to. know that you might be the first person. in that man's life that's actually asked.

him Yeah. what's going on. That's true. And so you may have to. invite him to that conversation more. than one time. You may have to make. space for his emotions and feelings more. than one time. And if every time you ask. him, it's more of a demand and a stress. and a force and a push, then actually. it's just going to make him quieter and. quieter and quieter. But if every time. it's an understanding and it's space and. it's open, then there may be a chance. because I feel like.

you know, for most men they were never. asked about their emotions or feelings. There wasn't a space that they naturally. just opened up. And hey, if someone's. not open up for 25, 30, 35 years. it's going to be hard for them to just. come out with it because you asked a. great question. Exactly. And so it's not that you're wrong or it. reflects badly on your relationship. I. just think a lot of men just haven't. been given the opportunity to be that. Absolutely. And and and the reality is. for some men. certain things we just are not.

emotionally invested in or attached to. in the way that she might be. And so her to her it's like, "Well, you. should feel something about this." And. like, "No, I really don't." And like, "It is. I don't see this any kind of way. I just. want to go on with my day." And he may. genuinely mean that. And so again, it. goes back to respecting the differences. between the genders. We do not process. the same. We do not feel the same a lot. of times, right? So that's going to lead. to different levels of expression. because there's not as much to to in.

certain situations. And it's just like. again, you got to make sure you can be okay. with that. It's not even a right or. wrong thing in many cases. It's just a. okay, does that work for you or no? And. if it doesn't, it's going to cause a. problem, all right, then maybe we are in. the wrong relationship. Yeah. But if otherwise, all right, then. we can still work past this. Yeah, for sure. I I'm really glad we. went there cuz I think that's blocking. so many people in that space. I feel like one of the big things that. we talked about last time and I wanted. to talk about it a bit differently this.

time is breakups. Because I feel like. there's still this feeling that people. have and they can't not, where if. someone breaks up with you, it breaks. your world. You take it completely personally. and it makes you lose faith in love. So, someone not only broke up with you, they. broke your faith in love and now you. don't believe love exists. What are the natural. feelings and emotions we all have to go.

through in a breakup that you can't. avoid? Well, one thing I want to point. out before I get to that is this. I. think we have to start with. understanding love is not relationship. We're conflating those two things and. it's creating all kinds of issues and. confusion, all right? Like you'll hear. people say, "Well, everyone deserves to. be loved." Okay, they can be loved by. their mother, by their friends, by. society, whoever. That doesn't mean you. qualify for a relationship. And someone. can love you or you can love someone,

but if certain. things aren't in place to have a. successful relationship, it still won't. work. So, we have to understand that a. breakup doesn't automatically mean. someone doesn't love you, nor does. someone want to be in a relationship. with you mean that they love you. Cuz a. man a man or woman who wants to use you. could want to be in a relationship with. you, could want to marry you, has. nothing to do with love. It's two. separate things, all right? Now, with. that understood, what we have to understand when we're. going through a breakup is.

one, all is not lost. Like, we got to start. there cuz it's so it's so easy to feel. like our whole world is now crumbling. before our eyes. We're devastated. How. we going to get past this? And it's. like, listen, all is not lost. There's been billions of people who have. gone through a breakup and who have. survived, but who all felt like in that. moment they don't know how they're going. to continue, okay? We have to remember. this is just a moment. Life is about. moments, all right? If you let the.

moment get the best of you, it can throw. everything off. But, when you can. conquer that moment, you're on the right. track and you can keep moving forward in. a good direction. So, keep that in perspective, but of course. that's hard to do when you're still. going through the breakup. I also think, going back to the point. that I made, is stop questioning if they. love you, okay? Cuz that I think is what. weighs on some people the most. It's. like, I gave them all this time and age. all these years and they didn't even.

love me. It's like, no, no, no, no. They. could have still loved you, but there's. another issue that exist here. And what. people This goes back to unfortunately, I understand because I'm a coach and. I've spoken to thousands of people and. I've seen millions of situations, how much different issues play into why. people do what they do, okay? But, everyone is so used to the very. surface level perspective of Well, okay, if if for example, if this person breaks.

up and they jump into a new. relationship, well, clearly they never. loved you. That's not true. Some people. do that because they loved you so much. and they can't deal with the pain and. they figure I need someone to distract. me from this. So, they don't love the. new person, okay? Now, granted, could it. be the other way around that they never. loved you? That is possible. That is. possible. But, it It always what you. think it is, all right? So, trying to. dwell on and question if they love me, it's it's not healthy because one, we. cannot prove or disprove it. Okay? They.

can claim it. We we just have to accept. whatever is being presented to us. Cuz. at the end of the day, what evidence can. you bring forth that says guaranteed. this was love or not love? But two, you. just don't you can't rely on what you're. seeing and experiencing to answer that. question. And the question is less about. do they love you? And the better. question to ask yourself is are we best. for each other right now? Because even if there's love, if we're. not best for each other right now, this.

is probably a blessing in disguise. All. right? And most most breakups, if not. all, are a blessing in disguise. We just. can't see where the blessing is in that. moment. The blessing could simply be, for some people, not all, that the. relationship just needed certain things. addressed, and you guys will be able to. come back together and make it better. than ever. The blessing might be this. was never the person for you. And had. they not broken up with you, you'd have. never walked away from them. Like I've. said to people, and this may sound bad, but this is just real. I've said at my.

shows before, some of you needed to be. cheated on. Because if you weren't, you would have. never left that relationship. But you. always knew it was an unhealthy. relationship. It was toxic way before. the cheating occurred. But you were in. denial of that and were trying to hold. on to something that wasn't best for. you. And you needed something strong. enough to break you free from that. situation. So, it's a blessing as much. as it hurt in that moment. The other thing we have to you mentioned.

it, and I think it's very important for. you to understand, is stop internalizing. the whole thing. All right? Because. again, even in situations where people. break up with us and they hurt us, and. let's say we can't point to anything. wrong, right? That was done. We don't know what they're battling. Like we It's the whole hurt people hurt. people, okay? It's not really about us. There's. something within them. So, I I recently. had a situation where a woman's. devastated because a man broke up with.

her because the fact his family would. not accept her. They did something that. they weren't supposed to do early on in. the process that goes against the. family's beliefs. And even though she's. This man loves her. He wanted to marry. her. But the family was like they'll. disown him if she if he goes forward. with it. So, in something like that, again, she. has all these questions running through. her head. She's internalizing and it's. like, "No, but this there's something at. play here that even he can Well, I'm not. going to say he can't control cuz he can. choose to not let his family Yeah,

exactly. But that's not as easy as, "Oh, if you love someone, you'll do." No, it's not that simple, unfortunately, right? So, there's just so much more at. play. So, going back to the question of. the emotions we go through during the. breakup, the main thing is I believe we do have. to give ourselves a a moment to grieve. It's normal. It's okay. And in grieving, it's about releasing, all right? So, if. you need to cry, cry, right? If you're. angry, let yourself be angry. Flush out, detox all those emotions. But then, we.

have to pick a deadline. Like I'm a. believer in I don't give myself any more. than three days, all right? Three days. to grieve, whatever it is, whatever. disappointment, hurt, after three days, get back on my feet, get to work, and go. through my healing process, all right? For some people, it might be seven days. For somebody else, might be two. Whatever the case may be, you have to. give yourself a structure of, "All. right, I'm not going to dwell in this. I'm going to start working past this in. a healthy way." Because again, too many.

people focus on the whole get under. someone to get over someone, which is. completely unhealthy and bad, okay? And. and all these other. methods of trying to move forward that. are only. keeping them stuck emotionally, but. they're moving forward on the surface. All right? So, there's a lot of people. who've moved on to other relationships, even marriages, but never overcame it. emotionally. And they do not realize how.

that is still playing a part, not only. in who you choose to be with, but in how. you show up in that relationship. For sure, man. For sure. Yeah, it's such. a. When I'm listening to you speak, I'm. just thinking like there are. so many people. carrying someone else's baggage into a. new relationship. Mhm. And not allowing the new person to be. the person they are. And you realize. it's your old baggage that's blocking.

this one. Yeah. And their old baggage that's. blocking this one. And then you may lose. that one. In that, do you believe that. there's right person, wrong time? Absolutely. I'm a 100% believer in that. I know a lot of people argue against it, but I have so many stories of people. who, let's say, met in college, right? And something went wrong, and then 10, 15 years later reunite, and maybe even. in between that time married someone. else or other relationships or whatever, and now they're back together and it's. the best relationship ever.

Again, it goes back to people. understanding. love is one thing, relationship is. another. So, you can experience connection. You. can experience real love, but if that. person still has things they need to. heal from, it is very likely going to. derail the situation. All right? If they. are not ready, maybe they haven't gotten. themselves together in certain ways that. they can feel more secure about. themselves, that's going to derail the. situation. People need to evolve. It's. not as simple as, "Oh, we love each. other. Everything's supposed to work.

perfectly." That's not life. That's not. real life. I would love for it to be. that way. It's just not. And so, a lot. of people don't accept the fact that And. And I'm a very spiritual person. So, I. believe in praying about everything. And. I believe one of the mistakes people. make is that for those who are. believers, they don't pray and talk to. God about if they should move forward or. if they should be with this person. And. they don't realize that sometimes we. could be presented with something so. that we can see that it's there, but. doesn't mean it's time for us to have it.

yet. It's almost like sometimes you. could be presented with an opportunity. business-wise. And you may feel like, "Yeah, I'm ready for it. Let's Let's do. it. Boom boom boom." But you're not. really prepared. Now, if you if you went. from a spiritual place and understood. and let God your spirit guide you, it. would tell you, "No, slow down. Don't do. it just yet." But think about it like. the person who they they win the. lottery. They win millions of dollars. They've been hoping for this all their. life. And they blow through that million in a.

few months or their whole life is. ruined. Why? It was not time for them to. have that kind of money. They did not. learn the lessons they need to learn. They were not prepared for that level of. financial freedom or whatever access. And the same thing happens in. relationships. People aren't ready for. that level of vulnerability. They're not. ready for that level of responsibility. You know, perfect example is like if a. woman finds her first love in high. school or man or woman. But I'll say. this happens a lot to women where she's.

head over heels over this guy. But this is a young man who has not. developed at all emotionally. Chances. are he's going to mess up and this. situation is going to fall apart. And. those who have survived, not all but. many who have survived finding love that. young, they either one just dealt with. all the bumps and stayed together or. they had that village around them to. help them get through these situations, to teach them. He had guidance. She had.

guidance that allowed them to have love. and make it work at such a young age. So, when you hear about back in the days. people marrying younger, yeah, they had. community. That made a huge difference. But now you. have people essentially on an island. being young trying to make a. relationship work and it's like, yo, like we're asking too much. Some people. get lucky, but the majority won't. survive that. And and I'm using a high. school example, but that can happen it. can happen as grown adults. Yeah. People could be 30, 40, 50 years.

old older. And certain things have stunted their. emotional growth and they're still not. truly ready for that level of. commitment. So, yeah, but again, that. doesn't mean they're the wrong person. Okay? Because the person is about the. character. It's about the traits that. fit together, right? That can be in. harmony with each other. But they still. have to develop certain aspects that. will allow a relationship to thrive.

Which is why some people, I feel the. need to say it is kind of hit my spirit. You'll have your situations where they. can be great friends, but they can't be. in a relationship, right? And for some. of those people, it's a matter of. when they tried to be in a relationship, they were not emotionally ready for. that. Yeah. And there was conflict in. how we handled that. But who they are as. people, it's like this, right? So, that's why the friendship continues and. now I'm I don't want to ruffle any.

feathers, but I'm going to say it, for. at least some of these people, that's their true love. For sure. But. because everything went wrong the first. go round, they're too afraid to leave. the friendship box. So, now it's like, nah, let's just be friends. That's where. we operate best, right? But in reality, no, you guys just need to evolve. emotionally and heal. and you would actually be able to come. back together for some people, not all. cuz I don't want every friend of yours. right now thinking.

that's their situation. it. It's only 50% and always wanted. that, too. So, yeah. You know, but it. happens a lot. I love that. Stefan, I've. got one last question for you and it. applies to both, so it'll be two two. answers. Okay. If there's. a man and a woman listening right now. and both of them are feeling insecure. about dating, unconfident about. relationships. they've had a bit of rough luck. They're. trying to do. the work on themselves, be aware, accept.

who they are. They're doing the healing. But they're in a tough place. What would. you say to them? Just keep pushing. forward. Like, don't don't get. discouraged, you know? Everything is a process. It's like even. trying to become successful. The majority, if not every successful. person that I know, has a story of. having to go through the grind and. having moments where we want to quit. We. want to give up. We're like, this is not. working anymore. I can't keep doing.

this. But we we trusted, whether it be. our spirit, our passion, whatever, kept. pushing and eventually the breakthrough. happens and then boom, we're we're never. we're successful the rest of our lives. As long as we keep working, we're. successful. And so, with dating and. relationships, I believe it's the same. thing. People want love to be this very. pop it in the microwave and everything's. ready and it's like, no. It's a process. and you may have to meet several people. And I say meet, I'm not saying you have. to get romantically involved with. everybody, but you're going to come.

across some situations. You're going to. learn. You're going to grow. And even. when you're doing all the right things. don't think it's not working. It reminds. me of working out. You can work out for months do all the. right things. Look yourself in the. mirror and be like, there's no progress. Why? Because all you're looking at is. your stomach. Yeah. And you're like, well, my stomach hasn't gone down the. way I want. But what you're failing to. look at is your arms are more cut, you. got more muscles in your legs, your. stamina's up. What you're doing is. working. You're just looking at the one.

final result to validate the work. Oh, so good. So, understand that in this. process, you are growing. It is working. Things are developing. But, yes, the. relationship result may take a little. bit longer. And it's kind of going back. to that fitness example, what they tell. you is when you're losing fat, sometimes. it'll go it'll lose everywhere, and then. the stomach will be the last place. And. then when it finally hits the stomach, it comes off like crazy. So, it's the. same thing. You might be seeing all.

these other things improve first. And it. And you're not seeing the relationship, you're not seeing the relationship. But, then when it finally hits, it's great. It's amazing. So, just keep. pushing forward, keep doing what you. need to do, continue to be open to whatever you need. to improve upon. Never get in a mindset. of, "Well, I'm great and the world is. just just ridiculous. It's like, "No, no, no, no." What can I continue to do. better? What What can I tweak? What. adjustments can I make? Because. sometimes it is a matter of a small.

adjustment that will make a huge. difference. And I think as long as you. keep an open mind, and you don't view. not having the result right now as a. defeat, right? You understand this is a. process, you will get to your. destination at some point. Well said. As. Stefan speaks, thank you always, Stefan. I appreciate these conversations with. you. You always have like this ability. to just. pull things apart, to really look at. them for what they are. I really. appreciate you, man. The way you think. about things is so refreshing and.

all-encompassing. And I hope everyone's. been listening or watching. I hope you. have better. fortune from a deeper place because of. the advice that Stefan shared today. And. please make sure you subscribe to. Stefan's YouTube channel, check out his. books if you're someone who loves. reading and listening audiobooks, too. Yeah, absolutely. And Stefan, is there. anywhere else you'd like people to find. you right now? Anything you've got going. on that you'd like. go to my site, me. out. Uh hopefully I can connect with.

more and more people and just help as. many people as possible find love and. and find just a better overall life. It's not just about relationship, or at. least it starts relationship with self. Yeah. You know, and getting that right. and everything else falling in place. Well, for me, self and God. Absolutely. Well, excited to have you back. Thank. you, man. have an open invite. Ah, pleasure. Thank. you, my friend. Thank you. Thank you. If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation. with Matthew Hussey on how to get over. your ex and find true love in your.

relationships. People should be. compassionate to themselves, but extend. that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion. to your future self is doing something. that gives him or her a shot at a happy. and a peaceful life.