Love Expert On Why Loving Each Other Was Never Enough | Stephan Speaks

You have to be honest with yourself. about why are you still here? Why are. you holding on? What's really driving. you? You don't feel like starting the. process over with somebody else. So, even though you're not feeling it with. him, you're wasting your time. The best-selling author and host of the. number one health and wellness podcast. with Jay Shetty. What are the signs that someone deeply. loves you? Because I feel like we live. in this world where we're always. wondering, do they love me? Do they like. me? Do they really like me? Are they.

really into me? How do you know when you. deeply love someone and when someone. deeply loves you? How do you even know? So, I'm going to start off with an. answer that people probably won't. expect. To me, the first key is do you truly. love them? Because look at it like this, to me a. lot of people get caught up in. infatuation. Um they have unhealthy attachments. They. have different motivations to why they. decided this is the person that I want. And that can make them feel like they're. in love. But to me, true love flows both.

ways. It's not a one-sided thing. So, when you can say I I'm not into them. like that, if we look deep into that. situation, I can almost guarantee what. we'll find is infatuation, attachment, something else. But when you can say, "No, I feel it, too. I'm deeply in love. with them." I think that's your first. key. Because without that, nothing else. matters. Because a lot of people are. choosing partners based off of "Well, they love me so much, so I assume it's.

safe here and this is a good choice to. make." But the safe choice is usually. the wrong choice. And a lot of these. people. select this individual thinking. everything's going to be okay. But. because you're not really into them, you. can never be what they need. And they. were never truly what you needed, which. is why you never even got to that level. with them. So, to choose them without. first evaluating do you truly love them. would not be wise. Yeah, that's a that's a great question. And I think people struggle with that. question too because.

I think we think of love as. so many different things wrapped into. one. For example, I could think I love. someone because of how they treat me. I could think I love someone because. they have one quality that I really wish. I had or I could love someone because I. think that they're out of my league and. they give me a bit of attention. Yeah. And so what we think is love is so. complex and so wide that we never stop.

to ask ourselves like what does love. mean? Like what's the definition of. love? Like how do I define love? So how. do you define love and how do you. encourage other people to create their. definitions of love? Well, for me first off is always God is. love. And then when we take it from. there, love is about kindness, compassion, patience, understanding, a. willingness to be selfless and pour into. that individual. But I think what's also. important for people to understand is.

when we're trying to apply it to. romantic relationships, we have to understand that there's other. ingredients that are necessary before we. can move forward. So you could love. someone dearly, but if they are not. emotionally ready because maybe they. haven't healed from their past, maybe. there's still some things they need to. work out in their life, then it wouldn't. be time to move forward in a. relationship with them. And we have this. bad habit of the minute we feel like. there's love there, we want to move. forward. Exactly. And as you mentioned, we can get caught.

up sometimes in well, we love them. because of what they do for us. But what. are you prepared to do for them? Love is. about giving, all right? So we have to. ask ourselves, okay, do we know what. their needs are? Are we willing to. fulfill those needs? Because if not, maybe this wasn't love. Maybe it just. felt good in the moment. Maybe you got. caught up in the hype and that's okay. It happens to almost all of us if not. all of us at some point in life. But we. have to just be very clear with. ourselves about what's really driving. the intention right now. But I think all.

those things I mentioned is what. encompasses love and that's like the. foundation of it. And then from there we. have to look at some other things to see. how we can move forward. Oof, so many times like you you convince. yourself something's love. Mhm. And what I find really interesting is. that so many people fall in love too. fast. And no one wants to go for the. slow, patient, understanding love, which. is what love requires. You just said. love is kind, love is patient, love is.

understanding. Those things take time. I think those things take time to. nurture and to. to make sure that we're doing it. correctly for each other. So it's about. learning each other's love languages and. how we make it work within that dynamic. I think also because so many people are. not used to dealing with emotions and on. that level, being that vulnerable, people mishandle it. All right? So it. takes time for us to get to a place. where we understand how to manage this. and work through this. However,

I think that I'm a huge believer in. connection. And I believe connection is. like your spirit recognizing its match. And it's very instant. When you speak to. couples who said they experienced a. connection, they'll tell you first. conversation, first time meeting, first. date, first week, it was pretty fast. So. to me the the recognizing of something. deeper being here can happen very. quickly. But how we now cultivate that. and how we move forward is where we need. to take our time and make sure we're not.

rushing and overlooking certain. important issues that need to be. discussed and addressed first. To me it's the understanding of. chemistry versus compatibility and the. idea that there needs to be a spark, there needs to be a connection that I. feel with someone like you're saying on. a deeper level, but I find that I find. that most people are not. adept in knowing whether the connection. they feel with someone is deeper or. physical. Yeah. Like I would say that. it's easy to it you can often feel a.

spark. with if you meet a lot of people, you. can feel a spark with a lot of people, but that doesn't mean that they're the. right person to build a relationship. with, right? Like. So connection to me is a very rare. occurrence. Right. Yes. So I feel that people who've. actually experienced it, they can tell. you maybe once in their life, if you're. lucky, two times maybe, all right? But. it's not this thing that happens with. everybody. Whereas chemistry, uh feeling a spark, these things can. happen with a lot of different people.

So I do think there's there's this. education that's needed to understand. how we differentiate these things so. that we don't confuse them cuz I see a. lot of people take that chemistry and. think, "Oh, this is it. This is the. one." It's like, "But you had chemistry. with the last five people. Why is this one the one and not them?". So I do think we have to be careful with. that. Yeah, I think so so we're on the same. page. There's three things. There's. connection on the deeper level, there's. chemistry, which is like the spark on a. more superficial level, and then there's.

compatibility, which is like what makes. it last. And I can I can relate to that. with my wife. I definitely felt So I I'm. one of those people who. I kind of knew from the first few. moments when I met my wife before she. was my wife was like I was like, "Yeah, this is my person." Like I felt that. way. Yeah. For sure I felt that connection. And there was chemistry there, too, but. it had to be turned into compatibility. in order to create a long-lasting. relationship. We've been together for 10. years. We're still learning, building, going through everything, but that was a.

big part of it. So that I can get. behind. Is Do you see it that way, too, or is there something different in how. you see it? believe it or not, I used to make. compatibility the least important, but. that was because I was looking at it the. wrong way. Once I kind of looked at the definition. again, and compatibility is about two. people coexisting in harmony, Yeah. then I was like, okay, no, you you you. have to have that. I just I got caught. up more so in like, let's say a dating. site says, okay, we're going to decide. who's compatible. So, I view compatible.

as like an on the paper it looks good. It's supposed to match. But, you can. have a lot of people who are supposed to. be compatible, and it doesn't work. Absolutely. So, I think that it's compatibility is. that add-on. Once we have the connection. and the chemistry, now we have to create. that harmony, which is the. compatibility. Yes, I I agree with you. And and. it is interesting how that word. compatibility is thrown around. Mhm. And you're so right that. compatibility on paper doesn't mean.

compatibility in real life. And. to me, compatibility really has another word. inside of it, which is like. adaptability. And. that deeper understanding of an. individual where you know how much. you're willing to adapt around certain. parts of the relationship. But, we'll. get to that. I think a lot of people are. like, you know, and and that's where we. got into this conversation around what. is slow. A lot of people are waiting.

to feel like, is this person wasting my. time or are they the one? And so, they. don't have a deeper connection. Maybe. they had that spark of chemistry, and. now that's kind of subsided. How do you know if someone's wasting. your time? How do you know if. you're letting yourself be used or. wasted in that way? So, to me, again, I think it always. starts with self, and you have to be. honest with yourself about, why are you. still here? Why are you holding on? What's really. driving you? Because, just use an.

example, let's say you're a woman, and. the only reason why you're holding on to. this guy is because he's a nice guy, you. don't feel like starting the process. over with somebody else. So, even though. you're not feeling it with him, you. figure let me try to make it work. You're wasting your time. This is where you're setting yourself up. for disaster every single time. So, if. it's not born out of a true connection, love, a genuine desire, you really like. this individual. Of course, there's. always things we have to work through,

but is the foundation strong enough for. us to say, "Okay, we can make something. special here?" And I think once we are. honest with ourselves, that kind of. helps answer the question because. sometimes we get so caught up trying to. analyze the other individual that it's. like we get in our heads and now we're. missing the mark on what's really. important here. And we can't always. say for sure what's going on with them. I will say that in general, if this. person isn't willing to talk about. things, they're wasting your time. If. they're not willing to address or.

correct things that have been talked. about, they're wasting your time. If you. guys aren't on the same page about what. you want and where you want to go in. life, wasting time. So, there are some. things I think we can just look at and. say, "Listen, this is pointless here.". But, a lot of times and I I have to say. this especially for women, women's intuition is extremely powerful. I'm a huge believer in it and I feel. like women know very early, "This isn't. it.". But, they rationalize reasons to. convince themselves to give this man a.

chance. And this again is a waste of time. because it just doesn't work. I've seen. people. turn what should have been maybe a. couple weeks of dating into years of. being married to someone they were not. happy with. All because they did not listen to. themselves from the beginning. They knew. what it was, but they just could not. accept it for what it was. Mhm. Yeah, and I and I love that point. on intuition. It's almost like when a. relationship finally ends, a lot of us. think to ourselves, "I knew they weren't. right for me.".

Like I knew it. I knew that they weren't. the one, but you just didn't listen to. that part of yourself. Yes. So so let's break it down for people. Let's help people out. We started. talking about three very important. words: connection, which you defined, chemistry, which we've defined, and. compatibility, which we've defined. How do people know the difference. between connection and chemistry when. they meet someone? Because I find that. the science shows that you're. experiencing dopamine and cortisol at.

the same time. So you're experiencing. the reward chemical and stress chemical. at the same time, which gives you that. chemistry feeling, which is the feeling. of butterflies in your stomach, or like, do they like me? Are they into me? What. should I wear? That kind of feeling. But. then you're talking about a deeper. connection. How do you hear the difference? Because. I think a lot of us just get swept up in. the feeling of oh, I'm so into that. person. They're so into me. How do you. know? So I think one is are you even being.

yourself, or can you be yourself with. this individual? If if you're presenting. your representative, then this is not a. real connection. This is them falling. for that person that you're presenting, but that's not real. So to me, you have. you should be already being yourself, but with that person you have a. connection with, it's a more natural. flow. We don't have to force it. We just. feel so much more comfortable around. them. I think in addition to that is when you. when you find yourself all caught up in.

the moment, and caught up in that. chemistry, again, you have to ask. yourself, what am I really attaching. myself to? What about What do I really. like about this individual? What I find. is that when it's really about. chemistry, we're still on the surface. You don't really know about them yet. You just know you guys had a good time, maybe you had a fun at this event. You. guys were able to talk about a a lot of. different things, which is is. which is going to also be important if. there is a connection. However,

do you even know what kind of life you. want? Do you know what kind of life they. want to live? You know, are you guys really on the. same page? I think connection is our. paths align, our purposes align. So, for. us to align, we have to have a deeper. understanding of where we're headed, and. can we head there together? So, that's. why I think, though you may feel it, or. you may feel like you're feeling it, you. have to do your due diligence to dig. deeper to find out, "Okay, is this just. I got caught up on the surface, or there.

is something real here?". Yeah. And I think once we ask enough. questions, cuz that I think that's the. other big problem. We have this experience where we feel. this chemistry, we're so excited, and. now we're afraid to ask questions. because we don't want to blow up the. fantasy. Yes. You know what I'm saying? Where it's. like, "No, no, I want to keep believing. this is great, so let me not ask. anything. Let me not run this person. away. Let me not rock the boat." But, that's going to be what tells us if this. is real or not. Yes, I think you're I think you've hit. on something there. Like, we're so.

scared of losing someone that we're okay. with not asking important questions and. discovering important truths that. actually define whether this. relationship's going to last. Absolutely. And that is ultimately, going back to. your point earlier, that is ultimately. you not being yourself. Mhm. Right? You're losing yourself, scared. that you're going to lose the other. person. So, you're okay with not being. yourself. Do you think it's ever okay, this is a funny question I think, but I.

have to ask it because I think it's a. healthy discussion. Do you think it's ever okay. to present different sides of yourself. in order to attract someone, or do you. think that you're ultimately setting. yourself up for failure in a. relationship? Almost like, I think a lot. of people, they may not become someone. completely different, but I think a lot. of people are like, "Oh, I'm going to. show my smart side because it will. attract this person or I'm going to show. my this side cuz they'll like that." Are. you saying any of that kind of molding.

is unhealthy or do you think there's. room for that? I think anything that is not sustainable. is unhealthy. So, look at it as if I'm a. man and I'm meeting this woman, I want. to impress her. So, I'm like, "Okay, I'm. going to try to spend all my money, take. her to a nice five-star restaurant, all. these things." But deep inside, I prefer. a more simple lifestyle. You know, I. don't like all that extra stuff. Okay, that's horrible. That's a recipe for. disaster. That's unhealthy because you. can't sustain what you're presenting to.

that individual that's going to draw. them in. So, whatever it is, another. like common example is you'll have women. who love to communicate. They want to be. able to talk to you every single day. But because they're afraid of coming off. a certain kind of way, they'll hold back. on their communication. So now, they'll. make it seem like they're okay with. talking every now and then. We don't. always have to text. And then this guy falls for that. He. falls for this low standard I don't want. to call it low standard, but not having.

such a high expectation of him when it. comes to communication. Then he finally. gets with the woman, her true self is. going to come out at some point. No one. can suppress their true self forever. It. comes out and now it's like, "What is. this? I did not sign up for this. Now. we're fighting. Now we're stressed. because you want him to call you more.". He was used to you not being worried. about it so much. That's why it's going to always not work. out. So, it's extremely unhealthy unless. we're presenting a side of us that is. truly us and we can sustain it.

You've You've hit on something again. that that. at the beginning of relationships, we. often display unrealistic standards. And. we set those. Yes. And then when things shift and now. you're back in reality again, the other. person's like, "But wait a minute, I. thought you were really into me.". Mhm. And I even went through that with my. wife. When we first met, I was able to spend pretty much every. day with her because I didn't have a. job. And so, I was looking for work, I. was applying, I would go see her at her.

college every day, and I would spend the. day with her. And I'd be in the library. applying for jobs while she was. studying. Yeah. And I could see her every day. And I. think I saw her every day potentially. for like 6 months, maybe. Every single. day, 5 days a week at least. And then when I got a job, that wasn't. the case anymore cuz I was at work now, and I'd set this unrealistic expectation. that we could see each other all the. time. Mhm. And even in the beginning, I would see.

her all the time cuz I'd spend time with. her family, but we wouldn't spend time. with my family cuz I hadn't told my. family yet. Mhm. And so, now that my family knew, we were. trying to split the time, and all of a. sudden it was like, "But wait a minute, we used to spend time at my house." And. so, even in little things like that, took a bit of adapting because I'd set a. false standard in our relationship. And. then thankfully, my wife was adapting, and she understood, and she got it, and. it was fine, but I think for so many. people, you set unrealistic expectations. in who you are.

Yes. And that's hard to come back from. Absolutely. And that's why it's so. important for us to know who we are so. that we can present the real from the. jump. You know, because again, a lot of. times people, you know, this idea that. we're always changing. Yes, I do think. we're always evolving, but some of the. big shifts that you see. is not because that's just the way life. is. It's because you didn't take the. time to figure yourself out first. And. then you got with this person, and now. you want them to adjust. Now, thank God. for you, she was able to adjust, but.

there's a lot of people that they can't. handle that. Yeah. And now everything falls apart from. there. So, that's why yeah, we we have. to be very careful with what we're. presenting from the beginning. Yeah, it's I I I agree with you on that. That we think people change, but. actually they just start to understand. themselves better. Right? It's like they went from being. completely unconscious about who they. were. You met an unconscious version of. a person. Yeah. And now you think they're changing, but. they just became conscious of who they.

are. Absolutely. And but the thing is, Stefan, as you. know, like society doesn't encourage. that time of getting to know yourself. Right? When you're young, you're not. trained in how to think about who you. want to be. You're trained in thinking. about what you want to do. It's about. your job. It's about your career. You're. not thinking about who you are as a. human being or as a person. So, how do we in this society where. understanding who you are is not clear, it's not encouraged,

where where does one start or where have. you kind of found great insights in. trying to discover who we are? I would love to see more parents. encouraging their. children to explore how they're feeling. about who they are. Like, what I have. found is a lot of people who, let's say. I I I had one client where she wanted to. be an actress when she was a little kid. Uh but parents kind of pushed them in a. different direction. Now she's like a. social worker. But her desire is still. to be an actress. Like, the things that.

they they wanted to do they they want to. do as an adult now, you can find back in. their childhood in a lot of cases. So, I. feel like too many people have stifled. their children's growth in certain areas. with limited ideas of, well, this can't. make money or this wouldn't be a good. look for the family or whatever the case. may be. It's like, no, let them walk in. it and see for themselves if that's. really where they belong. Outside of. that, for me, I think the big thing is. getting in tune spiritually. I'm just a. huge believer in that. I feel like me.

finding myself was when I went into what. I'll call my wilderness period. I kind. of just shut everything off that was. doing cuz I used to be all over having. fun, partying, all these different. things. And then God kind of slapped me. upside my head and I had to like really. pull away from everything and go deeper. from within. And it felt like a process. of breaking me down to build me right. back up. And that's when I start to see. things clearer because what I realized. is the world is filled with. distractions. And it's the distractions why we can't.

see ourselves for who we really are. If. we simply shut off the distractions long. enough, you will learn a lot. So even if. someone just took a year off. don't worry, you know, limit the TV. you're watching, limit the music you're. listening to, limit all the internet. stuff. Just really go deeper within. yourself, spend more time alone, spend. more time, you know, thinking and. processing. You will learn a lot because. again, a lot of it is It isn't a problem. of we don't know ourselves. We are not.

aware and we're not willing to accept. And once we allow ourselves to do those. two things, become aware and then accept. it, we become free. Yeah, I I mean, I agree with you. I. think that I've always been a big. proponent of solitude to understand who. you are because as soon as you have. another person, you now have another. person's opinions you have to filter. Yes. As soon as you have another person in. front of you, you have another person's. judgments to filter. And so now you. can't even say what you truly think. about something because you're. constantly thinking, what does that.

person think about me and my beliefs? And so. understanding your beliefs in solitude. allows you to be really clear about what. your values and beliefs are. And and. that's what it's there for. I think when people get into If we. switch to compatibility again, the idea. we talked about the difference between. connection and chemistry, but. compatibility is really interesting. because a lot of people believe that. relationships should be hard and they. require hard work. And a lot of people.

believe relationships should be easy and. everything should just flow. Where have. you kind of discovered your lens on that. spectrum? So, okay, there's a there's a couple. ways to look at it. I think that. most relationships, and I'll even be. more specific, most relationships that. involve connection and true love are. typically hard. Not because relationships have to be. hard, but because most people have been.

hurt by something in their life, are. holding on to past traumas, haven't. resolved it. Once they meet this. individual that they feel so strongly. about, it is scary. This is where things get difficult. It's. the difficultness in how do I handle. this? How do I manage this? You'll have. people feel like they're losing. themselves, but they're not losing. themselves. Their true self is coming. out. And it's it's the self that's been. hiding behind that wall they've been. using for {quote} "protection." But I. always say the same walls you use to. protect you are the same walls blocking.

your blessings. So, now they're being. pulled from behind it. It's it's makes. them feel some kind of way. And again, people start to mishandle things. You. also have situations where people are. getting bad advice. Like, I'mma give one. example. Um. there's this. book called The Game by Neil Strauss. I. don't even know if you've ever read that. book. But. Yeah, Neil's great. Neil, you know, you you he went to that. world of pick up artistry, learned it, and he was great with the women. But then once he found that woman that. he fell in love with, all that stuff.

doesn't work anymore. So, you have a lot. of men being taught how to handle women. in general, but they don't understand. that's not how you handle the woman you. truly love. And so now again, you have. individuals who though they are truly in. love with this person, they constantly. mishandle it with bad bad guidance, with. fear, and all these things. This is what. makes it hard. And and I even think that. a lot of times the people who are. supposed to be together sometimes will. have the hardest time getting together.

But, I believe that once we're able to. conquer that part of it and actually. come together, it's not hard. Yes, it. takes work. I believe we have to be. conscious and mindful of how we treat. our partners, how we show up, being. willing to listen, but I think it's so. much easier to do those things with. someone you have a connection with and. you're truly in love with. It's going to. always feel 10 times harder when you're. in the wrong relationship. And I would. argue the vast majority of people are in. the wrong relationship. That's why.

they're seeing it be so difficult. And. when you see this whole it's easy, typically it's easy because you have two. people who are not digging deeper. They're They're They're trying to ride. out that chemistry we talked about. earlier for as long as possible, all. right? So, yeah, it seems like it's. great, it's easy, no issues, but it. doesn't really work like that. Because they're just not facing the. reality of the situation. So, I think we. we have to understand that there is.

going to be some bumps in the road. because of all the things that people. have been through, but once we're able. to come together and we know this is our. partner, this is who we want to share. our life with, it can get so much. better. Yeah, and do you Do you think that. people have just been given generally. the wrong education. on how to deal with. another person in their life? 100%. Yeah. Because unfortunately, a lot of. individuals are giving advice from a. bitter, hurt place. They're And And.

they're trying to disguise it as I'm I'm. just looking out for you. No, you You. haven't healed and you cannot properly. guide them in a positive and loving. manner. And I think that a lot of. people, you know, I always say it's. funny how we'll spend a lot of time. getting educated for the for the sake of. our careers and business, but we don't do the same for. relationships. And yet relationships arguably are even. more important than that career. business. And even if it's not a romantic. relationship, just relationships in.

general, your ability to coexist with. others, connect with others is extremely. important. If you want that business to. succeed, you have to learn how to. establish business relationships. There's no way around it. So we have to. learn how to talk to people, listen to. people, you know what I'm saying? And. just make make things work when we come. together with other individuals. So I. definitely think that we're just lacking. in a lot of education. And again, too. many because there's so many voices on. the internet now, there's just so much.

bad advice being given. And and. the individuals giving it, they may be. giving like, let's say. 80% of the advice is accurate, but it's. that 20% that's completely off that can. derail everything. And that's the stuff. that people are gravitating to and this. is causing a lot of problems. Can you give us some example of some of. the like not specific people or anything. like that. I just mean like, could you. give example of bad advice and what.

about it is bad or unhealthy for people. to try and put into practice? Okay, so one thing I heard recently was. an individual told said some of the best. advice he can give to men is to not fall. in love. You know, basically just find a woman. you want to be with and kind of keep it. there. The reason why I view that as. horrible advice is because. you sit down with any man who's lived. enough life, they will all be able to say there's. been at least one time they fell deeply. for a woman, all right? The problem.

isn't falling deeply for a woman. The. problem is we don't know how to handle. it once we get there. The problem is. because we're not accustomed to handling. and processing our emotions a certain. kind of way and being this vulnerable, we don't understand what's going to be. required of us in that moment. We also. kind of lose sight of cuz I'm a big. believer in masculine and feminine. energy and I believe that if she was. attracted to you because of that. masculine energy that you give off and. now you become this emotional wreck.

because you don't know how to handle all. these feelings you have for her, well, you start to become less attractive to. her. And it's not that it's not fixable. It's. fixable, but again, a lack of. understanding and awareness derails the. situation. So, rather than telling men. don't fall in love because it's. inevitable, let's teach them how we walk. in love, how we make. what I call loving in your masculine. How you maintain that energy and still. be able to pour into that woman in a way. that allows the relationship to. flourish. Yeah, and how does that work when I.

think obviously a lot of people in that. example that you're giving, if if the. person's attracted to someone because of. their masculine energy, but at the same. time they want them to be empathetic and. compassionate and. kind, which are generally seen as more. feminine energy, how does that person. balance the two or is that is that not. how you're explaining? Is that not. No, it is it's about balance. So, we. have to understand we all have masculine. and feminine energy within us. I'm a. believer in one must be your dominant.

energy. The other is the one you tap. into when necessary. So, as a man, you. can walk in your masculine and in those. moments tap into those things, but you. can't just stay there all the time. All. right? You can't just become this needy. emotional guy. That's not going to work. in the vast majority of cases. And so, what happens is there's this messaging. that's being thrown out there that women. don't like good guys. I don't believe that's the way it is. I. believe that women become less attracted. when you don't know how to exude and.

walk in your masculine energy. It's and. and we're hiding behind the label of. good guy. You can be a good guy and. still exude masculine energy. And that's. the thing and we also think that oh, they like bad boys. No, if you look. deeper, it's really the masculine energy. that that quote-unquote bad boy exudes. But what they desire is a mixture of. both. The same way that we would want a. mixture of both. We would want a loving, sweet woman, feminine woman, whatever. Or and and if you're a guy who wants a. masculine woman, cool. But you don't.

want her to be just that. You know, you. want her to have the ability to tap into. that other side when necessary. I think. we all desire that balance in our. partner. And I think it's healthy. And. And if we just learn how to maintain it. and how to nurture it, we would see. greater success in relationships. Yeah, what are some of the skills with. with mastering that energy. that you think we're missing out on in. balancing that energy and knowing when. to be which and because the reason why. it's hard is I think we live in a binary.

world, right? Like you feel like you. have to choose. Like you're either a bad. boy or you're good guy. You're uh doer. or you're a thinker. You're a winner or. you're a loser, right? Like we think. like that. And so people go, "Okay, I. can either be masculine or I can be. feminine." And. I I definitely. relate to what you were saying. Like I. believe that there is a lot about me. that is massively masculine in energy. using that language and terminology. My. drive, my ambition, how I work, my.

strategic mind. Uh and at the same time. I consider myself to have a lot of great. feminine energy and qualities where it. comes to like empowering others and. nurturing and the ability to hold deep. compassionate space and be empathetic, which are all powerful qualities for for. everyone, right? Beyond gender. They're. powerful qualities. And I appreciate and it's taken a long. time to know. when to be which. And it's still and I. still make mistakes, right? There's. still sometimes like, "Ah, I should have. been more assertive. I should have been.

more affectionate." So, we live in a. world that finds it hard to hold two. opposing ideas at the same time. We. don't know how to do that in any sphere. of life, let alone within ourselves. So, what are some of the skills that we. can learn in order to nurture both those. energies in a healthy way inside of. ourselves? So, I think one, it's going to require a. lot of if you're already in a. relationship, it's going to boil down to. a lot of transparency and communication. You know, her if you're that man trying.

to understand that woman and when you. can walk in those two energies, her. being honest and open about, you know, what this was too much over here or I. needed some of this over here. And in. time, you're going to become more aware. and understanding and it's going to be. like second nature to you. You won't. have to overthink it. And I think part. of it is not overthinking it. It's kind. of like being ourselves but. understanding that we have to learn when. this is doing too much and vice versa. I. also think that in reality for a lot of.

men, especially. when we talk about relationships and. kind of losing that masculine energy, the the underlying issue is fear. All right? When we become so afraid of. losing this woman, we lose ourselves. And so, a lot of men now fall into this. very feminine needy space because. they're just afraid. We have to learn. that listen, like to me, I feel if your. partner thinks you're never going to. walk away from them, no matter what they.

do, you've lost. That's that's a horrible place to be in. We have to get to a place where we both. understand that as long as we show up. the way that we need to show up for each. other, we have each other's back. We. will be here. But neither of us will. tolerate an unhealthy relationship and. someone who blatantly does not want to. work on making this better. I would want. my the woman I'm with to feel that way. and I need to feel that way. Once we. understand that and you have the. confidence of I can walk away if I have. to, that shifts your energy right there in.

itself. And now you don't find yourself. falling into that place where again you. start to look a lot more unattractive or. for some men they become yes men in. their relationships thinking that makes. her happy, that's turning her off. She. doesn't want you to be her yes man. She. wants you to stand up for yourself. sometimes. Give your opinion, give your. perspective. She wants to be able to, you know, if anything be able to have. discussions with you about these things. Not just you say whatever you want, whatever you want, whatever you want. Over time it becomes a problem. So I.

think that once we conquer that fear, once we create a space where we can talk. about these moments and not feel some. kind of way. I think sometimes men. are not they struggle with taking the. criticism from their partner. And it men. and women, we we all do when we feel. when we have actual feelings for. someone. You know, we don't care about. you, it's not as big of a deal. But when. we're emotionally invested, we're more. sensitive to it. But we have to. understand that these criticisms are for. the sake of making things better and. strengthen in this relationship. So once.

we can get to that place, it's going to. be so much easier to grow in it. And. then I think it's just a matter of. understanding that this balance isn't. just for your relationship. So look at. it like from a sports perspective. If. I'm on a basketball team, there may be. moments where I need to take the lead. and recognize, all right, everyone else. is down, someone needs to step up, this. is my moment. And then there's other. moments where I realize, okay, let's say. we already have a team captain, let me. show them that I can follow, serve, do.

what needs to be done so that the team. can win. It's it's just becoming aware. of what the moment requires, you know? And again, I think the more in tune we. get, the more in tune we get with. ourselves and the more in tune we get. with our partner, the easier it becomes. to find that balance. That's the challenge, right? The. challenge is just how much patience we. have with ourselves and others to. realize that you walked into an. imbalance unbalanced situation. And now it's like how much patience, how.

much time are we going to give it to get. to that because the challenge is I think. we walk into a situation thinking it's. perfect. Whereas we should be walking. into a relationship knowing it's. imperfect. Absolutely. And we're going to learn and figure it. out together. And I think that's what sets us up for. failure is because we walk into it going. it's perfect and deep down we know it. isn't, but somehow we gloss over it. Whereas I find when I know we're going. to fight, when I know we're going to. argue, when I know there's going to be.

disagreements, that sets me up to develop the skills I. need in order to navigate those things. But if I assume like, "Oh, we're never. going to fight." And I always get that, right? You always meet someone who goes. to me I mean a friend who goes to me, "Jay, we never fight." I'm like, "How. long have you been together?" Cuz I. don't I don't know anyone who never. fights. I get that no one has to get to. like. the heights of fights. I get that. I get. that. It doesn't have to be a heated. fight, but I don't know anyone who. doesn't disagree. There you go. Okay. Yes. Right? Right?

I think that's important for people to. understand because yes, you're you have. some individuals out there that will say. arguing is normal, it's healthy. And to. me it's like, listen, if we're talking. about arguing where we're now crossing. disrespectful lines, negative lines, you. know, the way that we the tone we take. with each other, all these things, that's not healthy. Yes, it may happen. You should be prepared for that, but it. does let's not normalize and say, "Listen, we're going to keep doing this. and it's it is what it is." But you're. right. To to be with each other long.

enough and never have a disagreement, that's extremely rare, okay? Extremely. rare. And I do think that again, as you. mentioned, we have to be ready for those. moments. We have to understand and and. going back to how we find that balance, especially as men and and even for. women, it's recognizing so for example, if my partner is in a very heated. moment, let's say she's in her masculine. right now, all right? She's getting. rough. Well, meeting her with more.

masculine is probably going to only make. things worse. This is the time for me to. be compassionate, go to her, hold her, calm her down, bring her peace in that. moment. You see? Because it we need to. balance each other out. Same thing on. the flip side, if I'm all heated and I'm. I'm extra passionate, and then my woman. now comes with that same energy, that's. it. Now we're butting heads. This is her. moment to say, "No, let me now be the. one to soften the moment up, bring that. sweetness in there, and everybody calms.

down." So, it it's learning how to feed. off of each other and recognize okay, they're over here, let me bring it back. over here. And now we can work from that. point and we're both good. The problem is that we all see. compassion and sweetness and kindness in. those moments as a weakness. We don't want to be that person because. we see that as losing, we see that as. giving in, we see that as us losing our. power and strength in a relationship if. we become the comforter or if we become.

the carer. Right? Like that's that's a. perception. the perception and we have to change. that. That is the power position. So, who is more powerful? The person. that lets the energy dictate them how. they're going to react or the person. that brings the energy and dictates how. they're going to make the situation play. out? So, if I'm coming in to calm it. down and being all sweet because I'm. trying to bring peace here, I'm in the. power position. I'm not losing anything. I'm going to gain more peace and.

happiness and harmony if I succeed in. what I'm trying to do. So, we have to. get out of that mindset of this makes us. weaker. And and that is the big key of. it. That's the big problem that for a. lot of women who struggle with their. feminine energy, that's a big issue. where they feel that being feminine is. weakness. It's what got them taken. advantage of and got them hurt. But, I. always say it's not the feminine energy. that's the problem. It's who you give it. to. Do they respect it? Do they Do they. honor it? You know? It's the same thing. as a man. Does she respect your. masculine? If she doesn't, then that.

might just be a sign you're with the. wrong person. But, don't stop being that. guy. Because the woman who's best for. you is going to need that in those. moments. But, that's exactly what it is is that. when people have been their best selves. for the wrong person, that person brings out the worst in. them. Yes. Right? Like when someone's been their. best, loving, kindest self, but someone. took advantage of it, that person now. thinks next time I've got to be. aggressive, I've got to be, you know,

powerful, I've got to be strong in this. way. And I feel like that's kind of what. most people are dealing with. We know. that is that you're just dealing with a. wounded version of someone. Yes. Not a healed version of someone. But, I think people struggle to trust. again and again, especially when they see the same. patterns in the person they're with. And I guess the question is, why do we. keep making the same mistakes? Cuz I. feel like a lot of us keep dating the. same people. Yeah. And.

there's a part of us that also just. keeps closing off or being more wounded. It's almost like if you cut yourself, you now walk around with your hand over. that cut cuz you don't want to get cut. again. Mhm. And then if you leave it off and it gets. cut even deeper, now you're even more. conscious of that. And so, I find that. people are doing that where they're. closing their heart more and more. because it's been so misused and abused. And I understand that. I understand. people don't want to be abused and. misused, but I guess the question is,

how do people find people that they know. respect them so that they can be their. best version or be a better version of. themselves? know, you you can't drive out darkness. with more darkness. You can't expose someone who's going to. hurt you by being someone who's closed. off and holding back yourself. We have It's kind of what we were just. talking about. We have to look at being. vulnerable, loving, and open. as not just well, I'm setting myself up. to be hurt. No, it's how you expose. people faster. If I come with that.

energy and you cannot respect it, match. it, then I know you don't belong here. But if I hold back, I give you a free. pass to hold back. So, now we have two. individuals who are hiding behind their. walls because it's comfortable there, but you can't really see what's What do. we really have in front of us? Those. walls are blinding you, and you can't. properly evaluate the situation. So, one, we we got to get to a place of. healing from our past so that we're not. just walking around with a hand over the.

cut. No, you You got to let the cut. breathe. You got to let it heal, all. right? Holding up Put your hand on there. is delaying the process. And like you. said, all all that's going to happen is. when you finally take your hand off, but. you're taking it off with the wrong. person, and you haven't learned. See, what I want people to realize is your. actions weren't the problem, meaning you. being loving, sweet, kind, compassionate. wasn't the problem. It was the person. Separate those two things so that you.

don't stop doing the good things. Now, granted, are there levels to this to. where we have to learn Again, if I'm. thinking about a man, if you got so. deeply emotional to where you kind of. lost your your masculine energy and you. became very needy, okay, you can say, "All right, I need to continue to be. loving, but I know I have to learn how. to draw a line. I have to learn how not. to cross that moment." And again, you. only crossed it because you were. unhealthy to begin with. Mhm. You only crossed it cuz you were afraid. to begin with. Once you get to that.

place where you're healthy and. confident, you won't find yourself. crossing that line anymore. You won't. tolerate certain things anymore. So, we. have to heal, we have to be confident, and we have to let our light shine so. that we can expose what's in front of us. easier. That's a brilliant answer. I I love the. differentiation between. how sharing your light is not the. problem, the person's the problem. because. we Yeah, we start to doubt whether being. a good person and loving person is. actually what wins in the world.

Yeah. And the truth is that it does win, but. it has to win with someone who can. receive it and hold that space with you. and share that space with you. And. I find that a lot of people keep giving. that energy to the wrong person. Mhm. Because we feel we can make them better. Right? Like there's this feeling of like. I can change this person. I can make. them better. I can heal them. There's.

Some of us want to fix people. And that. means we assume the person we're with is. broken. And I think this is such a. subconscious thing. Like if you're. always critiquing, if you're always. picking at stuff with your partner, chances are you don't think they're. great. Like chances are you think. there's some issues with them, and you. think that you can fix them, and they're. broken. Tell us about that angle where. now we're almost We've talked about. being the loving and kind person, but. sometimes we're being the person that. thinks we're loving and kind because we. want to improve someone, but that person.

doesn't want to improve. One big problem is that. what's really driving people to pick. that individual is that by being the one. that can upgrade you, improve you, I. have more value here. By having more. value, I have a false sense of security. You have to appreciate me. You're less. likely to walk away. You're less likely. to cheat because you're lucky to have. me. Mhm. I feel like I'm the prize here. But those situations never really work.

Because again you're choosing someone. that is not capable of pouring into you. the way you need. You're basing this off. of what you could do for them and that's. not sustainable. And. you're choosing them because again you. have more emotional control here. What. happens to so many people, especially. women, it something that I call the. unhealthy love cycle of women where. women in their first love experience. outside of any childhood trauma may have. experienced.

They're their most loving. They're just. out there. They go all the way in. But. that typically happens at a younger age. At an age where men are not mature. enough to handle those kind of emotions, that level of commitment, so on and so. forth. So she gets hurt. After she gets. hurt, her moment is saying to herself, I. will never let this happen to me again. So now the woman starts to consciously. or subconsciously choose men who are I. don't want to say lower than her, but. essentially a man who does not take her.

there. He's good enough to be with, but. I'm not that vulnerable with him. He. can't hurt me like that first love hurt. me. And so that dynamic usually leads to. picking that person I can fix. I can. make better, who will appreciate and. respect me, but again it doesn't work. out. And many times you'll see these. same situations, the guy will move on to. cheat on her. Not because and I have to. say this cuz some women think, yeah, he's being a man. No, not because he's a. man, but because you chose the man that.

you could never be the woman that he. needed and he could never be the man. that you needed. Once he kind of either. gets what he needs from you to build. himself up. or the smoke clears from him being. infatuated with you, he starts to. realize I'm not getting everything that. I desire. And now you building him up has brought. him more attention from other women. So. now the the difference between what. you're not giving him and what someone. else is willing to give him becomes way. clearer now. The temptation gets way.

stronger. And she he ends up doing. something. Or she ends up cheating as. well. Because he's safe, but he doesn't. fulfill her. He doesn't satisfy her. He. he he he doesn't excite her in any kind. of way. And that's why I always said earlier. like the safe choice is almost always. the wrong choice. But that is a function. of people trying to choose these. fixer-uppers because they think it's. going to give them some leverage there. Leverage. That's it. Yeah, it's leverage. Yeah. How do you. know when it's time to go? Like how do. you know when it's like I feel like this.

is a common question where it's like how. do you know when it's just I've tried. everything, we've tried together, tried our best, maybe we went to. therapy, maybe we got a coach, or maybe. you know, maybe we didn't do those. things. How do I just know that I feel. like I need to go, but I'm scared of. being alone. Yeah. I'm I'm scared of dealing with the. reality that I put in a lot of energy, and I feel like you said this earlier, but a lot of people stay in something. for a lot longer than they should. Mhm.

because they'd rather not be alone. Yes. They'd rather not face reality. They'd. rather not lose two years of their life. Mhm. They'd rather lose two more. thinking that this they should stay. Like how do you know when it's time to. go? Let me first say this. I think. I think society needs to change their. thinking as far as. letting go doesn't always mean it can't. work out later. It's just that it cannot work out under. these circumstances. All right? Cuz some.

people say, "Well, I feel like they're. the one." Okay, maybe they are, but. maybe the time is not right. And it's. letting go that will allow you both to. do what needs to be done in your own. personal lives that will allow you to to. come back together and have something. way more amazing. Mhm. So that's number one thing to consider. But outside of that, it's when. one, if that person is unwilling to put. in the work necessary, it's time to go. There's like so many times I'll I'll. have a video go up about communication. and someone will comment saying, "I've.

tried talking to him and he doesn't want. to talk to me." And in my head I'm like, "Well, why are you still with them?". If he refuses to talk to you, you've. already tried. There's nothing else to. do. But people will let it linger on and. continue while they. while they consistently complain or. unhappy about this specific issue. It's. not going to magically get better. They're not going to just change it just. cuz all of a sudden they see, "Oh, it. needs to change." No, if they're. fighting it now, they have no reason to. change it. And what people have to. understand, you know, especially with.

this whole trying to fix people up, healing and facing your traumas is one. of the hardest things for people to do. So, if they already have you in their. life, they're essentially getting the. incentive or the benefit of relationship. without having to do the deeper work. It's almost like if I'm at a job and the. job says you need to have a master's. degree to work here, but we're going to. hire you anyway. and give you time to get that master's. degree. If getting that degree is super. hard to you, you're going to drag that. out as long as possible. You may never.

get the degree until they fire you. When they fire you and you realize, "Oh. my gosh, if I don't do this, I'll never. get this person back. I'll never get. this opportunity back." Now they might. go and get it. Because it's very tough. to walk down the path of the healing. process. So, if they're not willing to. work on it, you guys have already. discussed it and I think that's a big. thing. Because there's a lot of. relationships that end. and the couples don't even know what the. real issue was.

So, the communication, they'll say, "Well, we talked about." No, you guys. argued. You guys lashed out. There. wasn't a clear communication as to what. the problem was, what is expected, how. do we go about this. If you've done. that, and I believe one of the most. effective ways to do that is through a. letter. Cuz I feel like verbal communication of. deep issues and concerns, they typically. don't go well. You know, people get. distracted, they forget what they want. to say, the other person gets defensive, they're not they're listening to. rebuttal not to understand, but when.

there's a letter involved, it gives you. time to get everything out. You can you. can evaluate your tone, leave no stone. unturned, and now they have an opportunity to. process it on their time, to really take. it in, and then you guys can come. together and discuss the letter. And now. it's so much easier to stay on point and. get everything covered. If we've done. that, and they're still unwilling or there's. still no progress, it's time to go.

Yeah, that's great. That's great advice. and. I for me that's the biggest one. It's. like you can't. make something last if any one person's. working on it. You can't keep hoping and. waiting and wishing and. And like you said, that ending doesn't. mean forever. And often I've found that. two people need to grow individually to. be able to grow collectively. And we're. forcing growing together so hard, but we.

need space to grow. Mhm. And. if you can't grow together, chances are. you need to grow apart in order to see. whether you grow together again or grow. for someone else. And all of those. options are okay, but we put so much. pressure on people to grow together that. they grow apart. Yeah. And actually, if they chose to grow. apart and grow separately, they could. come back together if they learn the. lessons. And I think that's a mistake, too. That sometimes people think, "I'm. going to go learn this lesson for this.

person." I meet a lot of people that are. like, "Okay, they broke up with me. because I wasn't X Y Z. Now I'm going to. go become X Y Z to win them back.". Yeah. And I always find I'm just like, "Well, no, you should go become XYZ if you. think you are missing XYZ, but not to. win them back because you don't know. what they're going to do. What's your. take on people trying to win people. back? So, I 100% agree with you. Like if we're. trying to learn or grow, it needs to be.

for the benefit of who we are and just. whoever we deal with. So, it's almost. like if I was a bad communicator in this. relationship, I shouldn't learn to. better communicate for that person. I. need to better communicate for whoever. I'm going to be with. If you can't see. it in that light, then maybe you're. looking at the wrong thing. My thing is. this, I think it all depends on what the. details of the situation was, what led. to the breakup, what were you. overlooking, what was missing, are these. fixable issues? Because a lot of people. are trying to win back someone where the.

issues are not resolved. So, it's like, what's the point of going back? We're. just going to go in the same cycle all. over again. They're letting this idea of. I miss them, I don't want to be without. them blind them from the fact that you. two did not get along well or you two. don't want the same things or you two. just whatever it is. Maybe there's a. lack of sexual satisfaction. I don't. know why I felt the need to mention. that, but that's what happens a lot of. times. You have to stay focused on what. led to the end and can this be.

corrected? If it can, cool. But as you. mentioned, correcting it does not. guarantee you they're coming back. And. even if they will come back, you don't. know when. They may need So, you may have figured. yourself out in 6 months, they might. need a year. And I would argue if you guys are truly. meant for each other and they needed a. year, you need a year, too. You're just. overlooking some things and you're. rushing the process cuz you want to get. back to them. Yeah. It's I've never found a situation where.

it was truly only one person who had. problems and the other person was. squeaky clean. No, no, no, no. You. thought you were. But, you had some stuff, too, you needed. to correct. Of course. So, I think we have to be honest with. ourselves and just keep striving to be. better. And rather than focus on winning. them back, just become the best you because if you. do, and there's a true connection there, the opportunity will present itself. again, and you two will be able to make. something of it.

And the struggle is that when people. finally make that decision to break up. or let go, the studies show that the parts of your. brain that are activated in a breakup. are the same as detoxing from cocaine. Mhm. Right? Like, you're literally trying to. detox, so you can have a craving for. someone that's bad for you. Yeah. Or also, it says that the areas of the. brain that are activated in a breakup. are the areas that are the same with.

physical pain. So, if someone like punch. you in the stomach, the reason why we. say like my heart feels broken is. because it literally feels like. something's broken. Yeah. So, when you're going through a breakup, when you're feeling the craving to be. with that person again, studies show. that eight over 80% of people are. looking at what their exes are doing on. social media. Right? Probably through a. Finsta account or whatever, but you have. to you have to know what are some of the. healthiest tips that you've given to. people and the people that you've worked. with that have genuinely helped people.

move through a breakup? The first thing is to ask yourself. again, why was I even there? Why am I. holding on to this individual? Again, I. think sometimes we get so blinded by. just the experience or our desire to. have this person for whatever reason. that we overlook what was really missing. or why this could not work anyway. What. you'll also find is and I'm sure there's. probably a study on it where if you if. they broke up with you, you ever see a. situation it happens on TV a lot where.

the person could be like, "Okay, I'm. going to break up with my partner.". They're planning on it. They've been. practicing in their head, right? It took. them a couple of weeks to muster up the. strength. They're about to do it, and. then the partner breaks up with them. Now it's Oh my gosh, I got to get them. back. So it's like you just forgot this whole. time that was your plan. They just gave. you the pass to do it, but now because. we don't like to be the one being let go. of, now we're fighting hard to get it. back. So we have to really not fall into these. little. traps that happen to us as human beings.

Our brains are playing tricks on us or. something where we confuse these. emotions for Oh my gosh, I must really. love them. Or even like you said, you're. going through that detox, and because. you miss I always tell people, no matter. how bad the relationship was, there's. always good moments. So if you're trying. to break free, you can't just let your. brain focus on the good moments. You. have to remind yourself why this doesn't. work. But if you keep focusing on the. good, you start to make yourself think,

"Oh, because I miss this good moment, I. must miss them." And there's this quote. that says, "Sometimes you're not missing. the person, you're missing the feeling.". So you've got to be able to. differentiate those two things. So. getting back to how we get over these. breakups is recognizing why were we. really there to begin with. You know, could this actually work? The next thing. is, you know, I'm I'm a huge believer. that a lot of times a breakup is a. blessing in disguise. Even if there is a. chance that you two can work together or.

this is the one for you, you may have. needed this time to reevaluate and get. things in order. Something is obviously. wrong. Even if you it may be something. as deep as cuz I've seen situations. where everything was going amazingly. well on the surface, and the person. broke up with them. Let's say the woman. let's go of the man. So to the man. that's really confusing, but what it was. is that that woman, she had not healed. from her past relationships and this. relationship being so good was scaring.

her. And what happens is the the better. you are, the scarier it becomes for her. She's looking for something to be wrong. She has to validate her fear somehow. When she can't find it, she'll either. sabotage the relationship or she'll run. from it. So, to that man it may seem. like this is so unfair, which yeah, it. sucks, but if this woman didn't break up. with you now, you were inevitably going to face the. same ending, but at a worse time. Yeah. All right? This is still best that it's.

happening now. At least if she can go do. what she needs to do, there's a chance. for this to come back around later. But. it's hard for us to see it in the. moment. So, I think just really we also. have to focus on our healing. Whenever a. breakup happens, the mistake we make is. that we think it's about healing from. the breakup. No, it's healing from. everything you've been through. You've. probably been sweeping under the rug. your childhood trauma for years. Maybe. the last two, three relationships, whatever it is. So, and and not healing from those.

things is contributing to your struggle. to get past this breakup. and contributing to why you even chose. this person to begin with. I'm a huge. believer that if you haven't healed, you. are 90% likely to choose the wrong. person. Yeah. It's just too difficult to pick that. person that you truly love and can truly. love you and accept that level of. vulnerability when you have still not. resolved your past traumas and past. hurts. Yeah. So, to me that's the next big thing is.

just focus on your healing process. because in that process, you will also be able to see more. clearly if this is really for you or. not. Like walking around unhealed is. like walking around with broken glasses. You you can't see straight, no matter. how hard you try. But healing will clear. up your vision really, really fast. And. now it'd be like, oh, wait a minute, I. didn't belong there. Yeah. You know, and thank God the broke. breakup happened. You know, now I'm in a. better place, I move forward. So, to me,

I think and and I would say in addition. to those things is just having. accountability partner. Whether that's friend, coach, therapist, someone that can help keep you in check, help remind you what you need to do, someone that you know you have to talk. to and update what's going on so that. you feel like, okay, I don't want to. come back to them saying I'm doing the. same thing over and over again. It. doesn't guarantee success, but it helps. It helps move the needle some. So, I. would highly encourage that. That one mindset you spoke about that.

that changes everything and it hit me. today. I was just thinking. if we were just able in a moment to. recognize that something painful now. was going to be good for us in 5 years. time. Mhm. That would change so many things in our. life. Yes. But we're so poor at dealing with. current pain. Yeah. even if it means future joy. Mhm. that we just can't accept that I have to.

go through this. Like, in everything, right? Like. knowing that someone breaking up with. you just saved you 10 years of a wasted. life. is so much more than knowing you're. going to have to go through a few months. of pain and 10 months of pain. Maybe. it's a bit longer. Maybe it's 2, 3. years, but. we just have to get our head around. that. That sometimes the best things. that happen to you are protecting more. of your life than the pain that they're. causing. You need the peace of knowing I did what. I needed to do.

That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cuz anytime you feel like, well, maybe I. could have done this, but I could have. done that leaves the door open for. doubt. Do it all. Exactly. So, it's like and that's why. I'm such a big believer in, you know, there's people who say, well, once. they're done, they're done. They'll just. move on. And And like, no, no, no. Express yourself. Get everything off. your chest because you don't need. anything to linger and you questioning, well, what if I did this different? No, make speak your full piece. And now you. can say, all right, I did what I had to. do, it is what it is, I move forward.

And I mean, it makes it easier. It may. not make it 100% you know, not an issue. whatsoever, but it's going to be easier. And I'll say also for me, that's why like. my relationship with God is so important. because that's where I find my peace in. dealing with a situation that doesn't. work out the way I want to. I always. tell myself, okay, if this isn't working. out, God has something better for me. You know, if this is happening right. now, there's a purpose cuz I know if I. followed his guidance throughout this. process, then there's no need for me to. question why is this the current.

outcome. There is a reason for this and. I've been through these things enough. times to see, as you mentioned, the. reward is going to come. It may come. next week, it may come years from now, it will come and I'll be able to see how. it all connected. Yeah, Stefan, it's been incredible. talking to you, man. This has been such. a great back-to-back flowing. conversation. Uh we end every On Purpose. episode with a final five, which is like. a rapid fire, which means every question. has to be answered with one word to one. sentence maximum.

Okay. So, here are your final five. The first. question is, what's the best. relationship advice you've ever received. or heard? Or given. It is to love fully. Love fully and be yourself because as I. said earlier, that's how you will ex-. pose quicker who is for you and who. isn't for you. Second question, what is the worst. relationship advice you've ever heard or. received? Get under someone to get over someone. Doesn't work? Doesn't work. It's only going to cause. more problems.

Uh question number three, uh how would. you define your current purpose in life? Is to serve the people and help heal. hearts and help individuals experience. happier, healthier relationships. Question number four. What's something. that you used to think was important in. relationships, romantic relationships, but you no longer think is important? I don't know if I would say it's what I. thought it was that important, but I I. do think I can talk about it now, is the woman's financial position.

Where I think once upon a time I may. have put more weight on that when I was. a lot younger, and really because that's. what society and family told me was. important. But now to me and and and I. can say it because I'm successful, that. financial position is not what's. important to me. It's the love, it's the. the environment in the household, all. these things. I mean, of course I want. her to pursue her purpose and her. passion, but what she has financially. doesn't move the needle at all. Got it. All right. And then fifth, and. thank you for opening up and sharing. that. Fifth and final question, if you.

could create one law that everyone in. the world had to follow, what would it. be? The one that's coming to mind is you. must be honest. Mhm. If we eliminated lying and deceit, oh my. god, like this world would be so much. better. Yeah. Yeah. So just you have to tell the truth. Yeah, that would be an amazing one. Yeah. Stefan, it's been amazing speaking. to you today. I hope you come back on. the show many times. Absolutely. The book is out now. It's called Love. After Heartbreak. I'm sure each and. every one of you can relate to having.

gone through heartbreak. This is the. book to have to find that love within. yourself again, to make sure you can. love others, make sure you go and grab a. copy of the book. We're going to put the. link in the show notes so you can go and. order the book. I highly recommend it. Please make sure you follow Stefan on. YouTube, on Instagram, on TikTok, on all. the social media platforms. Please do. tag me and him on the platforms you use. with the insights that stood out to you, the words of wisdom that he said that. are going to stay with you, and the ones. that you're bringing into your heart and.

life, and the ones you're sharing with. your friends. I hope you'll pass this. episode on to someone who needs it. If. you know someone who's going through a. tough time, through a breakup, if you. know someone who's single right now and. needs to do some more healing, or if you. have a friend in your life who's in a. relationship but struggling, this is the. episode to send to them. Stephan, thank. you so much for your time and energy. So. grateful to you. a pleasure. Pleasure's all mine. Thank you, man. If. you loved this episode, you'll love my. interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on. understanding your trauma and how to.

heal emotional wounds to start moving on. from the past.