KERRY WASHINGTON On The Family Secret That Changed Her Life: ”We’re as sick as our secrets”

and if you don't want the spoiler then. turn off the podcast now my parents sat. me down um and told me. that please give her that for Carrie. Washington I am not a fantasy if you. want me earn me behind the mask of these. characters I actually started being able. to express more of my truth my. characters became this safe space for me. to both hide behind but also secretly. reveal myself.

before we jump into this episode I'd. like to invite you to join this. community to hear more interviews that. will help you become happier healthier. and more healed all I want you to do is. click on the Subscribe button I love. your support it's incredible to see all. your comments and we're just getting. started I can't wait to go on this. journey with you thank you so much for. subscribing it means the world to me the. bestselling author and host the number. one Health and Wellness podcast on. purpose with J. shett what would you say.

is a childhood memory that stands out to. you in that it defines a lot of who you. are today oh wow what a great question I. feel like there are a lot of them in. here but. one I have a lot of Pride about being. the first girl in my neighborhood to. play all sharks under which is that game. we played at the pool in my neighborhood. because I don't know I think I come come.

from a a line of Really Brave women you. know when I think about my grandmother. being an immigrant and coming to this. country from Jamaica and you know being. a young woman looking at that Statue of. Liberty and what it must have meant for. her to take on that adventure and I. think about my mom and you know the. career that she built and you know the. education that she pursued and the risks. that she took even you know in terms of. what I talk about in the book and and. how she how I came to be in the world um.

and so I think you know being a little. girl who was like willing to be one of. the Sharks you know willing to play with. the guys willing to jump into the deep. end and challenge myself and be one of. the big kids and uh not be limited by my. gender or my age or by the fear of of. what the game was or the depths of the. water I think that says a lot about kind. of how I've lived my life that. willingness to swim in the deep end.

you know wow yeah what what do you think. gave the women who came before you that. courage that strength because I feel. like a lot of the conversation around. that has of course developed more. recently sadly but you see these women. who just always had this strength and. resilience and power despite it not. being given to them or opportunities not. being shown to them what what do you. think brought them through all of that. it's funny cuz I think in a lot of ways.

like for women of color and black women. in particular we haven't had. the you know dare I say privilege of. being like damsels in distress that no. one was saving us no one was rescuing us. as black women particularly you know. with the diaspora and the history of. slavery we we've always been working. women we've always been resilient and. strong out of necessity and I think. there's something about that that lives.

deep in my genetics deep in my family. history I think we talk a lot about. generational trauma and there's. definitely some of that in my story and. some of it I talk about but but there's. also generational courage and strength. and I think it's important for me to. embrace both to see both as being part. of who I am yeah and it's almost like in. in a general sense one can't live. without the other that's right and and. they kind of give birth to each other a. little bit too right like the trauma.

causes strength and the it's you you. become a Survivor and then you apply. that wisdom and I know that's true for. me that you know there's things I know. that I am who I am because of the things. that I've had to walk through you know I. am as much who I am because of all the. extra hugs and love and encouragement I. got and because of the the adversity you. know it's all it's all part of it yeah. it's so beautiful to hear it like that. too to to look at it as non-binary.

yeah yeah yeah yeah I do I it's funny. when I was coming here to talk to you I. was like oh this is so different for me. because I'm used to doing interviews to. talk about like a television show or a. movie and I know like I know what that. narrative is and I I know what I'm. selling right but this is like I'm not. really selling anything I'm I'm really. sharing and I don't have like an agenda. for like a piece of content I'm I'm. really just like offering myself and.

so it's different it's it's a very. different process and experience for me. because I'm not translating my. experience into a character's Journey. like I'm I'm the I'm the character um so. I bring that up to say I've been. thinking a lot about the fact that. there's a lot of complexity and it's not. binary there's there's a lot of gray. area there's not like there's no clear. villain and there no clear Heroes it's.

real life you know and so I think I'm in. talking about the book I'm going to have. to get really comfortable talking about. those kind of complexities cuz it's just. not it's just not simple nobody's life. is simple yeah you know well I think you. do a really wonderful job in the book. to elegantly and you know gently share. it with everyone the the complexities of. it and what I did is I have a few lines. from the book that really stood out to. me and I'd love to disuss those with yes.

of course I'm like let me let me get. comfortable here I'm going to take my. shoes off yeah please take your shoes. off be as comfortable as you like you. want to cross your legs whatever you. want to do oh boy we're going to read. the book okay I always find that the. words that someone chooses and the. vocabulary they have and the language. they use to define experiences and of. course I want everyone to know that. we're only skimming the surface of. what's in the book or all the details in. the book and I highly recommend you you. turn to the book for more of the context. but I think this will give people a.

glimpse into the kind of places you go. to and you allow yourself to go to so. one of the things that stood out to me. in the book and I'm I'm reading here. only to make sure I don't misquote you. so you talk about how you suffered from. panic attacks at age seven and in your. words you say I would force myself to. try to have good thoughts and I was just. thinking did you know what a panic. attack was at 7 were you aware what did. it feel like M and why did you try to.

say good thoughts like why was that the. solution and what were those. thoughts no I didn't know I didn't have. the language when I was seven that it. was a panic attack it was later in life. in my early 20s when I started having. panic attacks again that I recognized. that this was something that's been with. me for a long time on and off through. the years and I realized i' had been. having them since I was that little kid. and it felt like dread pulsing through.

my body like I know I described it as. like this whirling like a spinning like. a rhythm I couldn't control like a. rising heat like a clenching in my. throat a. fear that felt like it was small enough. to be in every little cell but big. enough to drown in you know and I just. like as I say that to you I have so much. love for that little girl lying in that. bed without the langu to describe it as.

I'm describing it to you but still. having to hold space for the experience. of it the good thoughts you know I think. I sort of I I think I describe it that. way in that moment as good thoughts. because I was seven and there was good. and bad right there wasn't the Nuance of. like this is an opportunity or you know. just was like like this feels bad right. like this feels really bad and I want to. feel good and I didn't you know I didn't. know Louise Hay at that time I didn't I. didn't know that I didn't know about.

affirmations but I just would I knew the. sound of music I knew the that you could. like think about your favorite things. and maybe feel all right and so I just. tried to think about things that made me. happy things that brought me joy or a. sense of Peace um and I would try to. kind of shut out the panic and make the. volume of the good things louder in my. head and at seven where were those.

negative or bad thoughts coming from. like where was that Panic coming from. what was the source of it yeah I think a. lot of it was um you know I talk about. hearing my parents arguing in the other. room but in general there was this um. this sense of it's a big word and I I'm. going to say it and then contextualize. it I think I I felt unsafe I was safe in. a lot of ways you I was very loved we. were you know I was provided for.

materially I was wanted I was. appreciated I was encouraged but I also. knew as I talk about in the Memoir that. there were things there was information. that was being kept from me I didn't. know it consciously but unconsciously I. felt like like I wasn't being given the. full truth and that created in me this. um like a sense of distrust and of. longing for wholeness like something.

felt incomplete and unho it's that's. probably not the right way to say it but. so I think the Panic was me trying to. navigate the fear of like what don't I. know I don't even know what I don't know. I just know I I don't have everything I. need to feel. safe I'm really glad you gave that. context because I think that today when. we hear the word unsafe we think it. means physically right and we think it. means materially yeah but it's so. interesting that those things can be.

taken care of and you still feel an. internal unease yeah yes a a dis ease. like a um it was an emot I wasn't. emotionally safe I knew that that's. that's that's what I knew somewhere deep. down and I didn't have a way to confirm. it I didn't even have a way to ask about. it it just was this feeling and I didn't. even know if I should trust the feeling. right because everyone was saying it's. all good everything's fine um so I I. think that maybe a lot of the the Panic.

was that I was from early on being asked. to disconnect from my own sense of. knowing um you know I was being taught. from the moment I got to this planet. from the moment that I was born I was. being taught that I had to act as if the. lie was true the LIE of of who my family. was and how we came to be so I didn't. really I didn't know I I didn't know.

what I didn't know but I knew I didn't. know. something yeah and it's it's so. interesting right I think that so many. of us feel that way that our feelings. when we were younger were not validated. or acknowledged and we weren't trained. to do that if anything like in yours we. were taught to reject or abandon deny. and then they don't just go away because. of that they often come back in the. future and we we'll get to that but they. come back in so many different ways in. our lives when you abandon your own.

truth yeah at the beginning of your life. and it's did you did you ever feel that. you were able to. reconnect what helped you reconnect with. that sense of knowing again in the. future internally yeah because I feel. like that's something that like you can. remember having knowing MH and then you. can remember how you let it go most. people I speak to feel like they never. felt like they knew and I don't think.

it's because they never knew it's. because they let it go of it so early. that we forgot that we knew yeah if that. makes any sense it does it does I don't. remember I don't remember knowing and. then not knowing but I I remember. learning that it was more important to. play along than to fight for what I. thought I knew and then it was like okay. it's the script that matters it's like. the this performance of this perfect. family like that's that's the priority. their feelings are more important than.

mine whoever the they is and then the. they was like lots of different people. throughout my life but I think one of. the first things one of the first tools. that helped to bring me back to myself. was yoga it was like the first one of. the first times that I remember being. still in my body in shavasana at the end. of that first yoga class that I took in. high school and weeping because I felt. really like present in my body like I.

wasn't trying to escape or deny or quiet. or I was just like fully present in my. body and it was terrifying because I was. like I don't know if this is okay it was. different from how I was taught to be. not not like didactically taught but it. was different from How I Learned to be. to survive emotionally how did that. feeling transpire in other areas of your. life that desire of like I'm going to.

perform I'm going to put up what people. need me to do like did you find that. manifesting in other areas of your life. or were you able to kind of go no that. was just with my family and no I mean I. got really I got really lucky because I. found a career where I could perform. where I could like this superpower that. I had to kind of shapeshift and be. whoever you needed me to be I started. knowing how to do that in an audition. room and on a set and on a stage and I. realized they they're was this place in.

life where performing was the true goal. and it it was okay to to want to be. somebody other than myself and to want. to step away from my truth to another. person's truth like that actually led me. to a really exciting adventurous. Abundant Life and then this weird thing. happened. where behind the mask of these. characters I actually started being able.

to express more of my truth right like. in my life with my family at home I. couldn't necessarily be angry or Express. fear or insecurity but if I was playing. a character I could have all of those. big intense feelings and it wasn't. threatening to anyone it was actually. rewarded so my characters became like. this safe space for me to both hide. behind but also secretly reveal myself. it's incredible how like something so.

stressful and uncomfortable turns into a. talent but also a healing yes right it's. truly I'm so grateful that um that. acting led me to be able to have more. emotional vocabulary more willingness to. actually feel my feelings and express. them and I'm even grateful I mean it was. how I stumbled upon acting is that you. know my mother is a very stoic she's so. elegant and like she's really somebody.

who is not very expressive of her. emotions cuz she's she operates from. here and is very dignified and stoic and. so you know because God has an enormous. sense of humor she had this child and I. was just like a walking ID just like. feelings all over the place and God. blessed her because she's an educator. rather than just say like stop having. feelings she was like you're going to go. to this Children's Theater Company cuz I. I imagine you know she was thinking I.

don't know what to do with all these. feelings you know as well as I know my. mother she was kind of like I don't know. what to do with you but they'll know. what to do with you and so she the. amazing educator that she is she led me. to spaces where I could be expressive. and energetic and emotional and she. could applaud from over here and not. have to Wrangle yeah absolutely yeah and. it's what I find so interesting when I. was reading the book too is just. recently I saw that you mentioned how.

you have always been trying to get away. from acting there yes and and that these. amazing opportunities keep coming your. way explain that to us because I think. what I what I love about this is kind of. what we were talking about since the. beginning of this interview which is. this texture and this complexity which. what appears to be a paradox yeah but. actually that's the Human Experience. where you're like I had this pain acting. was healing me but now acting something. I've been trying to move away from but. it's okay that that's so walk walk me.

through the the depths of that or the. texture behind that of like why why is. it something that despite it being so. healing and powerful and a safe space to. feel all of this does it not feel like a. forever home sometimes I'm super. interested to hear what you think about. this because some of this is the tension. between the pure art and craft of the. work the creative craft of acting and. storytelling and narrative and um I love.

that work I always love that work even. when it's really really hard I feel like. what a privilege what a gift it feels. like a a true calling I don't always. love the business stuff you know I don't. always love the rejection and the um. competition and the how hard it is to. get something off the ground and get. something produced and get something. green lit or like I don't always love I. love the of it I don't always love the.

vulnerability of when it hits the. airwaves and like the criticism and the. ratings and the reviews and um and so. that it's like the when I when I want to. leave is when it feels like the business. parts of it the the kind of worldly. material parts of it. become too expensive to my soul it just. feels like I don't I don't want to have. to navigate all that stuff so I'm going. to go find something else it's like that. great you know the the Winston Churchill.

brne Brown quote about like being in the. ring and you know what it is to be in. the ring that's that beautiful. vulnerability and sometimes I'm like I. don't want to be in the ring like you. know what God like you can have the ring. like I'm good I think I want to be an. observer and like you know be booing. from the crowd for once like not really. I'm I'm a very generous viewer usually. but but sometimes it's that it's like. sometimes the vulnerability on the. business side feels like too much not. the vulnerability on stage not the. vulnerability in front of the camera but.

the the stuff outside of the creative. craft so that's some when when that. stuff feels like G it's taking over and. I'm spending more time thinking about. how to win than I am about how to create. then I feel like I'm going to go do. something else something that feels. purer like teaching kids or teaching. yoga or you know something all the other. things I've tried to do and then and. then inevitably you know I'll read and. right when like I remember I had I mean. I really did not have money to burn it.

was early in my career and I was like. I'm done I'm done I'm done I'm done and. I signed up for a yoga teacher training. I got certified to teach yoga when I was. living in India but this I didn't have a. certification in the states and so I. signed up for this very fancy jva yoga. in new. yorkon yeah and so I was going to do. their teacher training I just made my. last payment and then I read the script. for Ray and I was like. holy like I have to do this movie so.

that's what that's what happens always. is I I get to the edge of like H and. then something beautiful calls me in. something that feels like it's worth the. work of the. material stuff the BS the or just like. the adulting like all that you know all. that stuff it's worth that to be able to. go back to that play and that creativity. and that that stuff where I feel like my. soul gets to be of service in a Nar. narrative I think you're speaking the.

language of every true artist and. Creator who feels that in a way that. they may not even. have tried to push as far as you have. like you're someone who's achieved the. peak of your creative Endeavors right. you've made incredible box office films. like TV like you've You've Won in that. sense in your art yeah sort of and and I. I mean in the in the external material. like in the sense of like you're someone. but you see what I mean like when I say.

sort of it's because like there are. Awards I haven't won there are Awards I. haven't been nominated for there are. like certain people who've made more. money at the box office they hold. different record it's like and that's a. little bit of the part of what I do that. I don't love I remember an acting. teacher saying to me. once no matter what he does Tom Cruz is. never going to be Tom Hanks he's never. going to have like three years in a row. backtack Oscar nominations he's never. going to have that. he can have born on the 4th of July but.

he's not going to be he's not going to. have Tom hanks's career and guess what. no matter what Tom Hanks does he's never. going to have Tom Cruz's career he's. never going to have backtack Mission. Impossibles and like hold all the Box. off records and 30 years later be able. to make another Top Gun and have it be. the nominated for best picture like they. have different careers but neither is. less valid like they're both winning. they've both won and that's part of the. challenge for me is like how to accept. that this journey my journey is the. journey it doesn't have to look like.

anybody else's it doesn't have to. measure up according to anybody else's. standard and I think for a long time. because I wasn't comfortable with myself. because I didn't really know my story. and so I wasn't really living my story I. always felt like I was the co-star in. somebody else's story whether it was at. work or at home or whatever that writing. this Memoir was a little bit about like. I got that missing puzzle piece that. helped me put myself at the center of my. story and then I was like I want to do. the work to write that I want to do the.

work to know what it feels like to. Center myself so that I can make sure. that in this lifetime I'm living my. story and not chasing somebody else's. wow you're speaking to everyone's Soul. right now everything you're saying I'm. like oh like it's and and it shows right. I think when when we feel like we can. really understand someone we don't know. or someone we haven't spent a lot of. time with it means that they understand. themselves because we you know we're at. that like Humanity that like naked truth.

of just what it means to be human. exactly like I'm listening to you going. wow I think everything you just said. like I think every creative person I. know has expressed some part of that to. me I think there's parts of me that have. grappled with that and if you if you. don't mind I'd love to offer you what. you asked for earlier and you were. saying you'd love to hear my thoughts. yes both as a coach but also as somebody. who um cuz I feel like I'm here I should. get free coaching but also as somebody. who um who is navigating the the. combination of the material world and.

the spiritual world and and you know. living in both of those spaces yeah so. from a from a coaching or even spiritual. perspective too because all my coaching. is is of that type so the Sanskrit word. for this is Dharma and Dharma very. Loosely can be put to purpose but really. what Dharma is is almost like an. inherent calling that you can't separate. from yourself it is so in deep alignment. and centered with who you are at the.

core that even if you try and push it. away it just keeps pulling you back no. matter no matter what that is and that. isn't an activity like it isn't a title. like I think today we think of like. purpose or passion as a job or a like. CEO is not a Dharma exactly exactly CEO. or actor or actress or or podcaster or. author is that's not your Dharma it's. like you're an artist who expresses. yourself through many different ways.

you've written an amazing Memoir you've. done TV you produce you tell stories you. know you have a you have two interview. shows podcast and scripted like those. are just mediums and but what I'm. getting to is that there's a part of. you where performance and the expression. of emotion through performance is so. core to what helps you heal and live and. breathe whatever way it is it doesn't. always have to be in a TV or a film.

there's some part of you that loves to. express and loves to feel in that way. and you can probably Define it better. than me and what I found is that we're. always trying to escape that. because usually in the same way as. you're saying because of the business. aspects that make it seem dirtier. murkier less pure because it comes from. such a pure place.

it's it's from to it'sing from the place. of like service service or this just. needs to get out and that's something. that I found. that it's really hard to shake that. because it's almost like God the. universe wants you to use that in the. service of others and so I've I've. rarely found I've not found anyone I. think that's been able to extract their. Dharma from.

themselves because it is in extractable. like it's it's you and it's it's your. spiritual identity it sounds like it's. it's your it's almost like what would be. considered your spiritual offering in. the material world it's what connects. you to that spiritual world in the. material world because without it and. again by the way this is not a I'm just. calling it out this is specific to. carrye and this is different for. everyone if you did give that up and you.

went off and tried all the other things. which you've obviously tried so you. already know this I don't even need to. tell you you can try it and it's not. that that isn't fulfilling it's just. that there's this thing that just keeps. pulling you back it's like the the. boyfriend you can't. quit it's just a spiritual boyfriend you. can't quit that's my Dharma I love it. yeah I think for me it might be some. sort of um there's something about the. expression of emotional truth it feels.

like my Dharma is connected to holding. space. for emotional vulnerability or emotional. truth and I think in some ways that's. why I grew up in a family where truth. was kept from me because it's like I. developed like a heat seeking missile. for like I'm going to find the truth I'm. going to know what it looks like if I. can't express it here I have to express. it here it was like it was kept from me.

so that I would learn to cultivate it. and honor it and hold space for it and I. like I think about even when I'm working. as a director often my note to an actor. in a scene is like I just I don't. believe you yet right like I I want to. believe you more and I think there's. something about like I survived um a. childhood where I learned what truth. doesn't look like and so so I'm really. aware of what it does look like now and.

I it's it's so important to me yeah. that's no that's so powerful and it's. uh it's almost like that that's the. acceptance that you know even I've had. to make like I think for me it. was on a very deep. level the business or the systematic. approach to art which you have to take.

if you want your work to scale or you. want your work like you're saying to. discipline the discipline of it or the. business the business of it as you're. saying the parts that we don't enjoy. like the is actually what at least from. a very Eastern spiritual perspective. would be like that's the stuff that. purifies you of the ego that comes from. art ah yes of course of course it's I. mean it's funny because then when you. say it's like yes this is what you learn.

in the asham right this is what you. learn in a yoga practice that like you. don't get to have the Transcendent. moment at the end of practice sitting. meditation until you do the 20 sun. salutations like they get you there they. open you up they they get you closer. it's the it is the discipline that makes. room for the the goodness if we just. like woke up out of bed and we're. immediately Transcendent without any. discipline we probably I I would. probably be a prettyy horrible person to.

be around I'd be like I'm. amazing everything comes so easily for. me yeah or or the opposite where we end. up in complete like dullness and ruin. where we're like it doesn't work and I. can't do anything and I and and it's. it's either or and and I find that when. you have to reflect on the competitive. aspect and purify that desire to be. competitive it gets you closer to your. truth. you have to sit in it and go I don't if.

I'm not Tom Cruz I'm happy being Tom. Hanks I don't care if I'm not Tom Hanks. I'm happy being Tom Cruz that is the. purification of getting you closer to. your truth whereas if you never had to. do that activity you almost could live. in ignorance and ignorance is bliss well. if that makes sense again I'm not saying. I agree with how it's all done or run. I'm saying that's how I think you're. trying to operate as a as a warrior in a. on a Warfield as as you know like you're. you're relishing the Battle of it.

because you notice that the battle is. actually forcing you to go more inward. because if you lived it outwardly it's. just too much if that makes any sense it. does it does anyway but so we got lost. of that but no I I really appreciate. where we're going with this conversation. because I do think that that I think all. of us are caught within that battle for. the truth in our own lives and our own. truth in different ways yeah this this. was interesting to me because I'm I'm. also picking out things that I think a.

lot of our community and audience can WR. so there's one thing that said being. busy is one of the ways I create a sense. of safety and control during times when. I feel there is none and when I read. that I was like wow like I the amount of. people that I know to every workoholic. out there literally and and it's it's. hard to even become aware of that. because there's joy in that and there's. how have you allowed yourself to become. less busy have you allowed yourself to. become less busy or or what has that.

awareness led to yeah I I do I feel like. it was this was a the period that I. wrote this book you know what happened. was about five years ago my parents gave. me some new information talk yeah about. kind of about me and and our family and. and how I came to be um and it that new. information kind of turned my world. upside down and it came at a really. interesting time in my life because I. was just ending. seven seasons on this like crazy.

successful hit show playing an iconic. character and um I was in many ways. asking like who am I now but I did have. this fantasy that when that show ended I. would suddenly have a lot of free time. because that show I was filming 16 hours. a day you know I don't know 9 10 months. out of the year and I was you know. within the life of that show I got. married and had two children and now I. have three children my husband came with. one and it was just like there was no.

downtime and I thought when the show. ends I'll have some downtime and I. remember like a year after the show. ending I was like oh I might be the. problem like I don't think the show is. the problem because I still have no. downtime and I am not the number one on. the call sheet of a hit Prime Time drama. but I was Finding other ways to fill my. time and still finding moments where I. was feeling overwhelmed and overworked. and um so I really started to think. about how I if I was the problem if I.

was the common denom denominator if I. was the issue then how could I also. maybe be the solution and I think the. truth is I do I do love to be busy but I. I'm trying to check the intention of. what that busyness is about so making. sure that I'm not saying yes to things. because I just want to be in a constant. state of cortisol. spikes and you know not getting enough.

sleep and just feeling like I'm on a. hamster wheel because then I don't have. to deal with some other stuff I'm trying. to have the yeses come from purpose and. passion and to have more NOS to say no. more often so that there's room to say. yes for things that make me feel not. busy but driven and generous and like. I'm contributing you know not just. accomplishing but really contributing. of. myself and I think that that feels like.

a a tough tough thing to do when you've. been such a high performing person for a. long long time and all of a sudden you. have to re-evaluate what performance. means yeah and what high performance. means yes and even start to redefine. what success means right like I think. it's like we say to these corporations. like your success can't just be about. the bottom line like are you also. thinking about diversity and inclusion. are you also thinking about the. environment in your bottom you know in. your definition of success and I feel.

like I'm trying to do that personally. also like think about success in the. material world but factor into that. success My Life as a wife my life as a. mother my life as a daughter and I think. that too was part of what made me want. to write the book was to kind of be able. to have The Narrative of my. life really reflect on all of it because. when I sold a book idea a few right when. the show ended I sold this book idea. that was like here are the 10 things I. learned about life from this character.

and my parents had just given me this. information about myself but I I was. like I'm not going to deal with that I'm. going to go sell this other book idea. and um and that felt like a book I could. write because it was not really about me. it was about the character and it was. like very sticky cute life lessons kind. of a book but every time I sat down to. write it that didn't feel honest it was. like I have this new information I have. this new curiosity I have this new. awareness and if I'm going to write. something about myself then it has to be.

that and I was like well I'm not writing. that so I tried to give the money back. to the publisher and was like I'm. definitely not writing that um but. eventually I did eventually I was like. What if I just try to write that if I. try to write what the story is not just. in terms of the movies and the TV shows. and the even not just the activism and. the leadership but really. like what it might mean to feel like a. successful human like somebody who's. living in truth you know do you want to.

share and I know the book goes into this. in depth do you want to share because. you've referred to it a few times the. news that you received at 43 yeah and. obviously you talk about it at length in. a book but I'd love to give that to. people so that they have a context yes. and if you don't want the spoiler then. turn off the podcast now yes this is the. moment it is a reveal so if you don't. want it and I and that's and I recommend. that too like yeah don't skip over the. next skip over the next three I'm such a. fan I know that like you have those time.

codes at the bottom so just skip to the. next we'll put that on the time code. we'll put skip now if spoiler that yes. okay there go so um so my parents sat me. down um and told me that um that my dad. is not my biological father that I was. born from a sperm donor um and this was. shocking to me and also not right like. it it was that thing of like I was. shocked because it was not the story I.

had been told and not the story we had. been living but also it made so much. sense to me because there had been this. sense of. like I I felt like I Didn't Know Myself. and I felt a disconnect with my parents. and I felt a disconnect with myself and. I never knew what to ascribe that to I. never knew why and suddenly it it was. like the pieces all fell into place it.

was actually like it was like there had. been this beautiful puzzle on the wall. of our home that had this one wrong. piece in it but it was close enough that. everybody just pretended that the. painting was perfect you know everybody. was like it's gorgeous it's beautiful if. you got close enough you could see that. there was a missing puzzle piece but. since we all ignored it we all kind of. forgot about it and when my parents told. me it was like somebody finally took. that wrong puzzle piece that had been. like jammed into a place and pulled it. out and we got to all be honest about.

like that piece was wrong and we don't. even know what the missing piece cuz I. don't know who the donor is but at least. now the H the painting is honest and I. can maybe try to find that missing. puzzle piece but even just to. know that the painting now is honest. felt like a gift and why did they wait. till 43 like white I think I was younger. than 43 even I was like yeah like 41. maybe um I mean my dad if he had his. brothers would have never told me which.

is in many. ways like. infuriating but also so beautiful. because to my dad I am his and he is. mine and there's no point in. acknowledging any other truth I mean. even to. today he'll he acknowledges it he's had. to come to terms with it but it doesn't. matter and in a really beautiful way. like I am his and he is mine he is my. dad D he will always be my dad um but if.

he had his choice we would you and I. would not be having this conversation. this book would not be written like we. would this would be we would just be. living in this other reality that which. is you know I'm his and uh that we. belong to each other which is true it's. just there's more complexity right. there's more Nuance there's it's not a. binary it happens to be that like yes we. belong to each other and there is this. other figure that is 50% of my genetic. they waited to tell meom said that was.

going to write a note for me and leave. it in a safe depit box so that. eventually when they were gone I would. have this truth I'm so glad that that's. not what happened I also wonder like. when she was going to do that cuz at the. point that we were having this. conversation she had had cancer three. times and was like knocking on 80 so I. was like exactly when was this note. going to happen right um so I think I. think I think it was hard I think they. didn't intend to be duplicitous or they.

weren't trying to lie to me I think they. it happened at a time I mean my parents. were way ahead of the curve there were. no you know when I was conceived in 7776. there were no sperm banks this was not. something that people did it was like a. highly experimental very secretive thing. there was no Frozen sperm it was like. you know it was all very very Cutting. Edge and um they were innovators and. ahead of their time and Risk Takers and.

nobody knew that 40 years later you'd be. able to take a DNA test and know where. you come from it just was like this is a. secret we will take to our Graves. there's no point in telling her we need. to keep our family unit together and we. don't need to upset her and um we don't. need to embarrass our family and they. eventually told me because I was going. to do a show skip Gates has a show on. PBS called Finding Your Roots where they. research your family background and um. they do it a lot through recordkeeping. and census reports but they also do DNA.

tests and so I told my parents I was. going to do the show and they were. really excited and then I handed them. one of these commercial DNA kits and my. dad started having panic attacks and I. was like what's happening and So. eventually they had to tell me why they. didn't want to do the show and and what. the truth of our family history yeah. yeah yeah how have you trained yourself. to be able to I love what you said. earlier you were like he wouldn't have. told me if it wasn't you know for this. but you would have found it infuriating.

but also the most sweet and beautiful. thing and it's like how have you allowed. yourself to accept two things existing. at the same time. because there's a beautiful statement by. F Scott Fitzgerald where he says that. the paraphrase version is that you know. one of the greatest skills or talents of. the human mind is the ability to hold. two seemingly opposite IDE IDE MH and. allow them to coexist and that's such a.

I feel like that's the art that's. missing in the world today the ability. to accept that something can be painful. and Beautiful Something can be true and. untrue in certain ways that and it feels. like even though you were like looking. for this truth and this puzzle piece and. you have every reason because you've. known it for your whole like it's so. like you make it look so elegant but. inside your heart struggle strugg to be. like what is this one thing what is. wrong with me and what's wrong with my.

life and what is the secret and yeah and. then you find it but then you still go. you have the grace to say I understand. like he is my he is me and I am his like. that beautiful statement that you just. repeated twice there I'm just what has. allowed you how have you developed that. ability to let two truths coexist I. don't know where it comes from it comes. throughout the book I see it throughout. interesting I don't know where it was. born I mean I do know I think maybe one. of the first places that I started to. think about it consciously again weirdly.

was in my yoga practice right because. you learn in yoga practice that you must. have this combination of being um steady. and strong but also flexible and. yielding that that's the very practice. of yoga only works if you can tap into. the surrender of each pose combined with. the commitment and strength for each. pose so that's one of the places where I. think I started to learn what that feels.

like in my body and and think about it. but you know as I'm sitting here even. just my commitment to say and to help my. dad say it's okay for me to have. two energies in my life that represent. father right like that this donor this. stranger I have no idea who this person. is there's a whole team of people on the. search but I I don't know who this donor. is that that but that person because of.

the amount of genetic material that. they've poured into me and therefore all. kind of coding that person represents. some of the father energy in my story. and in my life but my dad is my dad. right like he's. also he represents the father energy in. my life he is the man who raised me and. he has loved me like a father and he is. also father so you know even just like. there's no way for me to live my life.

without embracing those truths it just. is the fact of my life maybe there's. something about also like giving myself. to these characters and like anyone time. having to be like 100% that character. and also 100% me um that dance between. like losing myself and coming back to. myself and having space to be carry but. also or whoever that might be part of it. too I don't know but but I do I know.

that at times I've seen this as a. weakness that I that I'm not more. decisive or more um have more critical. thinking skills um but I I do think it. it's it is just a part of me that I hold. on to multiple truths yeah I I would say. that it my humble observation just from. our conversation and reading your work. is that your quest for the truth. truth has actually ended in finding.

truths oh yes right right because that's. that's right right like my I I feel like. I'm finally able to tell my truth but. there's also this awareness as I sit. across from my parents that like this is. not the book they would have written and. their book is no less true it's just. that's their truth and this is mine yeah. that's that's oh that's interesting yeah. and it's like that core of just being it. I don't know there's something beautiful. in in seeing you find your truths and.

and being like Oh there's there's. actually so many more and and there's so. many versions and and that almost is. more comforting and and kind of. reassuring that the version you have is. not untrue as you were saying earlier at. the beginning you were like I was taught. to like abandon my truth that's right. because again someone had said this is. the truth that's right the because the. other truths were too threatening. correct it's funny I talk in the book. about how when my parents told told me. you know I had spent my whole life. saying I love you to my dad and it was.

true I loved my dad before this. Revelation but when I got this. information in that moment I understood. that this was an opportunity for a. different kind of love between us. because he had only heard me say I love. you on the condition of a lie up until. that point up until that point every. time I said I love you it was passing. through this veil of pretending and so. there was a part of his unconscious that.

was made to believe because she thinks I. am her biological father she loves me. and once I had this truth I knew I now. have the opportunity to show my father. what it feels like to actually be loved. unconditionally from this point on every. time I say I love you it's despite this. truth that you thought was too horrible. to. bear that just hit me that that it felt. like such an opportunity for healing you.

know for us to be in the messy truth and. still say I love you is so much better. than to be in the pretending and to be. loved cuz when you're pretending and. you're loved then you're loved for your. pretense you're not loved for your. humanity and you can just imagine what. that felt like to him that's it's oh wow. that everyone just going to replay that. part again and again and again because. no that's the part you want no spoilers. that part just listen because that is. such a that is such a beautiful Point.

Carrie like that is that is so powerful. all deserve right it's like we it's what. we all crave I think is to be able to. like be our true selves and for that. version of us to be loved not the the. version where we put on the fancy. clothes or we it's like me at my most. naked most honest most vulnerable if I'm. still loved then then that's real love. if I have to work or to deserve the.

love then it's it's not based on me you. know yeah because you said in the book. before we got onto that I was going to. read these parts where you talked about. when I started talking about my family. and therapy for the first time in. college my concerns and complaints were. exclusively about my dad and you talk. about how different we were how often we. disconnected and you said like many. 18year olds I thought I knew everything. about my dad do nothing which is so true. and then you go on to say even as a.

young child I felt that I was never who. my dad needed me to be I knew he really. wanted a son and that they weren't. having any more children I got the sense. that I could soften the blow somehow by. being a daughter who was prettier or. smarter or braver or more successful but. even that didn't work what do you think. that wasn't working what's that part. like I think what I was picking up and. interpreting as me not being enough was. really. the disconnect between us caused by lack.

of Truth there was always like a moat an. emotional moat between who I was and who. my parents were like I would watch my. mother interact with girlfriends of mine. friends I would bring home from school. and people would tell my mother. everything people were so close to my. parents and I always felt like there was. a little bit of arms length um and so. you know as a kid I thought that must be. me it must be that I'm not good enough. or pretty enough or successful enough or.

thin enough or whatever it is. accomplished enough and so I thought. maybe if I'm better if I do more if I. accomplish more if I'm busier then maybe. I'll be able to cross the moat but the. moat had nothing to do with me the moat. was their own protection because you. know I realize now in hindsight I would. say like so many people are like best. friends with their mothers they talk to. their mothers every day my mother could. never afford to be best friend friends. with me because there was a secret that. she was never going to reveal to me you.

can't be intimate best friends with. somebody Who You're fundamental truth of. who they are you're keeping that from. them so I was interpreting this. emotional distance as being my fault as. being me not being good enough but. really it had to do with them trying to. manage the relationship so that they. could protect me from something that. they thought I wouldn't be able to. handle or just that would kind of. destroy my sense of self or our sense of. family so it was this loving act on. their part of trying to keep me okay and.

keep our family okay but it it did cause. this this break and this Schism between. us and I just I thought I thought I. could fix it I thought if I could be. better I could fix it and it was in. learning the truth of this Revelation. that I was able to say like no I'm I'm. okay I'm enough it wasn't about me and. now now I talk to my parents every day. like now it's a different. the greatest gift of this these few. years and even writing this book is that.

I am so much closer to my parents than I. have ever been before because now. there's nothing to hide from each other. there's nothing to there's nothing we're. trying to protect each other from. anymore there's no more performance. there's no more pretending and so now. the intimacy is so real yeah and it's. almost like you you want that for. everyone but you know how hard it is to. get it's like it was you know we went. into family therapy for a.

while yeah all four of us my parents and. my husband and I we we would we like. unpacked a lot of this together and to. be on the other side of that it's. extraordinary I talk in the book about. how in during the pandemic my mom was. diagnosed with cancer again and this. time around how I was able to be present. for her and with her because there was. no longer an arms length there was no. longer this MO between us it. was the greatest gift to really be able.

to feel like I I now in this moment when. we're faced with mortality like I really. know her and she really knows me and I. know myself now to bring myself to this. relationship fully it just it was the. greatest. gift and it almost feels now that if you. are to continue playing roles and. performances that you know who you are. already so you couldn't lose yourself in. a role or yeah I think there'll be I'm.

excited I've had I've taken on different. characters since getting this. information and it feels like I'm able. to go deeper it feels like I'm able to. bring more of myself and my truth I'm. more connected to myself and I'm it's. it's been it's allowed me to really have. a deeper level of emotional truth that's. what I think about when I watch certain. performances you know in the last 5. years I. think I'm able to bring more courage.

more more personal knowing more. vulnerability because I'm not operating. out of fear anymore I'm not looking to. these characters to fix me or to teach. me about myself I'm actually able to. devote myself to them fully and I've. thought a lot. about um it's so funny cuz when you're. interviewing you'll see eventually when. you're interviewing for all these. schools with your. kids they'll ask you like how the kid. was born or like the circumstances of. their birth like to enter into like a.

preschool you're like what are you. talking about. and like why is that any of your. business they're here to learn their. ABCs right but there's so much. imprinting that happens to us in Udo and. I do think it's so powerful for us to go. back and uncover the story of who we are. and how we came to be it's why you know. Street you grew up it's like that like. what is your once upon a time and I.

thought about it a lot in thinking about. my story because I think I thought like. how afraid my mother must have been here. this woman was like carrying a baby that. she had no idea she had no idea where. this sperm came from back then there was. no fancy catalog to tell you like what. college they went to or what like. nothing the two things they said to her. doctor were like we'd love him to be. healthy and we'd love him to be black. because if he was black then they. wouldn't have to tell people it could.

remain a secret um but she must have. been terrified and she knew also like as. she was carrying me she began carrying a. secret that she was going to carry for. four decades and so I was like my twin. was shame like I was in Udo with shame. we were growing together like in this. pact of secrecy and she literally never. told a soul my parents lit not she's she. has four sisters she just told them this.

year this spring um she never told her. best friend she never told anyone they. they are literally telling people now. cuz they're like listen this book is. coming out and I want you to hear this. thing from me so that fear and shame. that was growing inside her that was the. soup that I was stewing in you know that. I was cooking in and I I think we get. born with with. those with that identity and and we get. to navigate it yeah no thank you for. sharing that part too because it makes. sense with when you said you wished you.

were not an only child and your parents. responded you were long wished for a. child you were not easy to conceive and. like that idea of just it's that beauty. if they wanted you so bad like even like. I joke about my dad's you know his. unwillingness to deal with the truth of. how I came to be right like it's so. beautiful not just because it's a. testament of how much he loves me but. but when my parents sat down across from. that doctor they said you have two.

options looking at my dad's sperm you. have two options you can either adopt or. you can try this new thing artificial. insemination right and it was my dad's. ego it was their desire to keep a secret. that made them choose artificial. insemination over adoption so if my. parents hadn't had that ego if my dad. hadn't been navigating his pride I. literally wouldn't be here there' be.

some lucky kid who would have been. adopted by them and raised by this. beautiful couple and all the stuff they. were navigating but it was actually. their pride and secrecy that put me on. this Earth so I have to be grateful for. it I have to be grateful for their stuff. their you know the the emotional stuff. that they're navigating CU it it was my. Pathway to being on this planet well I. find that I said this to you when we met. the other day when we did um the street. you grew up on which which I really felt. was such a gift and if anyone who's.

listening or watching I'm sure you watch. already but if you haven't go and. subscribe to uh Ker's YouTube show. because I found it to be such a gift to. go back there MH you've written a memoir. now so you've really gone back gone back. yeah i' I've never written one but I. find the act of going back there like. you reminded me of so many things that I. completely forgot yeah it was so fun to. watch you have these Revelations about. where you come from so many things that. you just your memory is such a.

fascinating thing in and of itself but I. said this to you that day when I saw you. and and I'm repeating it now because I. want my I said it offline to you but I. want my community to hear it I found. your take on your challenges so. refreshing and unique because you would. be valid in just being upset and nothing. wrong with that and if there was someone. else who was I it's so valid but then.

when you hear someone who's seeing it. from multiple perspectives and there was. also this the most challenging part of. this book to read was when you talked. about the encounters you were having. while you were. sleeping and even in this and I'll let. you explain it but even when I was. reading through that I was just like how. is. krie even explaining this with so much. compassion and so much grace and I was. like you just have this. capacity to hold pain and compassion at.

the same time and I think that that is. so rare and I just want to acknowledge. it and honor it that's not a weakness at. all I think it's really powerful like to. be able to do that and when I was. reading that I was just I you were. blowing my mind I was just like how is a. human I I really find that you know you. read about people who've gone through. some of the most horrific things in the. world and and they live that way and and. then yeah I was in a reading that. honestly like yeah I I think when I'm as.

I'm listening to I think the danger for. me has always been in not having the. anger part right right that that's it's. funny it's like the compassion comes. more easily weirdly I don't know if it's. the people pleasing or the being an only. child or whatever it is the maybe it's. being an artist but the compassion part. comes first the journey for me has has. been allowing myself to have the anger. allowing myself to um create healthy.

boundaries for myself to allow for the. pain and the grief at times and then to. still make room for the compassion. that's what I felt yeah to be able to. like hold space for both um and I I. think a lot of it is selfish I don't. want to be a person who operates from. toxicity you know when I'm when I'm car. in when I'm only operating from. resentment it's poison for me to hold.

space for loving myself and loving other. people in all of our imperfection is for. me what. feels doable it actually helps me have. more grace for myself when I'm able to. have Grace for other people and I I talk. about that pemin idea of like the person. that causes you the most pain that's the. person that sat with you in heaven. before you came to to Earth and said. like I love you so much I'm going to be. the one that hurts you that forces you.

to grow I love you so much I'm going to. be your enemy that teaches you what love. looks like and I. think I think we are really really all. doing the best we can and when I when. I'm not able to have compassion my life. is like this hose right and the emotions. are coming through the hose if I choke. the hose from compassion for somebody. else I choke it from myself too um and. just I want to let it run free I want to. I want to let the goodness go through so.

that I'm able to give it to myself and. others because we're all really just. doing the best we can and that looks. like a lot of different ways for a lot. of different people and it doesn't mean. that in my compassion and forgiveness. that I have to engage with everybody all. the time right like having healthy. boundaries is also important but I I. want to I always want to leave myself. open to Grace cuz I need it for me too m. I love that idea of how when we're. choking our life or someone else of.

compassion you're actually blocking it. from yourself that's but and that's what. I meant I it was not a naive compassion. that I was reading of it wasn't a it. didn't come across as a people pleasing. or oh I'm just protecting and you know. it didn't it didn't feel like that it. just really felt like a realized version. of that and that's even harder I think. some of that too honestly comes from the. acting because you're taught early on. that you to play a character you can't.

judge your character like when you're. playing a bad guy you can't think of it. as a bad guy it's what my some of my. favorite stories some my favorite. narratives are these like origin stories. for the villains you know like kruella. and the Joker like these these stories I. love that because I feel like it's. really true that hurt people hurt people. and villains come from somewhere and so. um. as an actor you learn that when you're. playing a character who does something.

awful you better figure out why you. better figure out what it is that caused. this person to make those choices. because it's not going to be real if you. don't do that you're just going to be. like some Arch stereotype of a bad guy. if you want to be a human being who's. doing something awful figure out the why. what what's at stake what is that person. afraid of what is that person needing. what is that person longing for how was. that person abused um and so I've I've. had to learn compassion even just for my.

characters or maybe I'm drawn to playing. complicated characters because I really. love to cultivate compassion I don't. know but it's definitely a part of kind. of the culture of how I approach my life. and my work it sounds like you're such a. you're such a seeker of the truth in in. spiritually in your life in your work. what is it that you're seeking now at. this point in your life like what is it. that you're trying to learn know be. curious about I think this next little. chapter which is like beginning right.

now I'm learning to be in my truth. publicly and to see what that feels like. and what impact it has on me and my. family because it's so new for me I've. been so private as a you know a person. in the public eye I've really not talked. a lot about myself so I'm really trying. to be curious about what this experience. feels like and and how it changes me I'm.

curious about who my donor is and so. that's it feels like another part of the. quest but I'm also aware. that that lack of information also feels. like information like the fact that the. Universe hasn't given me this answer of. like this is who he is this is it feels. like an invitation to move into deeper. relationship with the family I come from.

my family of origin right like that I. have this new kind of Truth with my. parents a different kind of Truth with. my kids like telling my kids about you. know my parents and how I came to be all. of that um but also into a deeper. relationship with like like a spirit. father you know like Father time like. the archetype of Father Like A Heavenly. Father Like to lean into. my connection to a higher power as. bringing me those fatherly things that.

sense of belonging and safety and um. being cared for that I'm I'm interested. in this opportunity to cultivate that in. my spirit world because I don't have it. in the material world I have it but I. don't have it fully I have these you. know I have my dad who's incredible and. wonderful and I have this mystery donor. so I I have father energy but there's a. deeper security that I can seek I think.

in my spiritual practice W so beautiful. what what was your intention in your. career. to be was it intentional to be. private and what are you hoping that the. public aspect that you said you were. seeking to figure out how. it's what what was the intention behind. going in that direction it's funny. because it feels accidental I mean. really I've always um I decided at a. certain point in my career I had been in.

a very public relationship it was very. public engagement and when that ended I. was like I don't think I want to give. this much information to the Press ever. again and my husband and I were of the. same feeling when we met we were very. private the whole time we were dating. when we got married people were like. what like we didn't even though they. knew each other like very and this was. at the height of both of our careers um. he was like on the cover of Sports. Illustrated and I was on this hit show. and we wound up somehow having this very.

secret private recing and marriage was. so beautiful um I remember when I called. my parents to tell them I was pregnant. they were like so you'll tell people. like when the kids in college like they. were like I was like probably um so it. just it it has felt like um a way to. protect the people that matter most to. me but my parents have always been a. part of my public identity because you I. don't I didn't need to protect my. relationship with my parents and they're. not children you know I don't I keep my.

kids off social media because I feel. like they should make decisions about. how they and there are a lot of ways to. do it there's no right or wrong but for. us I feel like my kids should be of an. age where they know how they want to. enter that social media space I don't. want to make those decisions for them. but my parents are old enough to make. those decisions so I kind of started. posting more with my parents because I. was like I got to post something right. like so I would post my dog and post my. parents and I was doing these dad jokes. with my dad My dad became a bit of a. celebrity on my. Instagram and so then when I got this.

information I was suddenly like oh I am. complicit now in a lie cuz I'm out here. perpetuating this truth that's not my. whole truth and so suddenly I was. like I didn't want to keep a secret the. way my parents had kept a secret I cuz I. don't feel like there's anything. shameful about this I don't feel like. there's any reason to not talk about it. so part of the telling of the story was. like this is a way for me to be.

corrective and just not feel like I'm. perpetuating a lie that I didn't even. know I was lying when I was doing it but. now I want to just be transparent so. we'll see I I don't know it's it's very. new for me to be this open um but I. guess I also just there's a saying that. we're as sick as our secrets um and I. want to. offer healing to my parents and to our. relationship Ship by by not having it be. in the dark by speaking the truth of our.

journey and of my journey and particular. one of the things that's been really. wonderful about as I've shared the book. with people is that people immediately. tell me their family secrets like. immediately it's so funny and so I've. realized like all families have them and. people feel less alone when they read. the book because this person who has. been so private and I really have kind. of maintained a certain level of.

Hollywood like this is who I am and I'll. let you in only this much and to to let. people in more to allow that level of. vulnerability helps me feel less alone. but I think also has is helping readers. feel less alone yeah I believe that for. sure and I I love that you that's what's. happening as a response to the book. because how beautiful would it be if. every friend who picks up this book and. shares it with their friend is now able. to open up about something that they've.

been holding on to to let go of Shame. and to let go of Secrets and that's what. I want for people to and and also I. think it's important to see to see where. we are as a family right to know that. we're closer than ever that this. Revelation actually wasn't the. fracturing of my family that it actually. was the birth of our true intimacy and. closeness with each other. and for me like a real beginning a sense. of like I don't have to hide I can now.

really do and be anything so empowering. to hear that yeah it's very liberating. very liberating actually liberating I. think that's part of it too is like if. people find out that this is the real. deal of how I came to be in the story of. my family like I wanted to own the. narrative I didn't want anybody else to. be able to tell my story I want wanted. to be able to tell my own story to claim. it and to have it and to know that it.

was mine that it is mine I'm still. living it this is definitely like act. one there's there's more to do and be. but it's mine yeah there's this. beautiful line that you you say you're. talking to your therapist about it and. then you explain it and it says when you. teach a person to believe that their. internal truth is a lie you take from. them the very thing that is most. important to each of us our ability to. know and trust. ourselves and I can only imagine how. much you trust yourself now so much more.

it's true that's I guess that's why I. keep saying like I'm so curious about. who I'll be on the other side of this. chapter like once this is out there. because I do feel like I trust myself. more now I understand myself more I. trust myself I feel stronger I feel. liberated I feel like I have more. capacity for compassion more capacity to. love myself more understanding of myself. more capacity to understand and love my.

parents and therefore more capacity to. understand and love friends and other. family members and my kids if we are as. sick as our secrets then I am getting. healthier and healthier every day you. know so I'm I'm grateful for that. because I I want to offer that to my. kids and to myself and to my parents we. deserve that you know that's what this. community is about it's about health and. happiness and that's like to be able to. know that truth can lead to that because.

sometimes the truth seems so scary you. know it's not that my parents were being. mean they were. afraid but that you can walk through. that fear toward a deeper healing in. truth is is really what I want people to. know can I ask a practical question. based on what you just said how did you. talk about this to your kids because I. can imagine that that's scary because. it's a lot for them yeah they're still. young but you know what it's a lot it's. a lot less scary for them because my.

kids have grown up in a world where half. of their friends are born from surrogate. moms or donor eggs or donor sperm or. like they have friends with two dads. friends with two moms like they're not. up against some of the like constricting. conservative ideas of who families are. and how they come to be that my parents. were battling 40 years ago 40 plus years. ago so it's a different conversation. with my kids it's kind of much more. normal I'm like a I'm just like a head. of the curve um but it's also very.

different like the conversation we had. with our 17-year-old was very different. than the conversation with my. six-year-old right like super different. um and that's part of it is I and in. general when it comes to this kind of. like Advanced information we try to be. led by their questions you kind like we. offer them a little bit of information. and then ask them what questions they. have cuz I don't want to overwhelm them. with information but I always want them. to know that they can ask me anything. anything anything anything there's no.

bad answers no wrong answers nothing you. can't ask um and and that the doors. always open so you know like my. 17-year-old had more questions my. six-year-old had zero questions um my. 9-year-old had a couple of questions and. then was on to the next thing but they. for them it's not a huge deal and also. it's not a huge deal because. fundamentally my dad is my dad like. that's the big thing is that nothing has. changed there there's more information.

and I'm going to learn more about who I. am and therefore they're going to learn. more about who they are but the bottom. line is my dad is my dad and that's not. changing so they have that security I. love that that's beautiful Carrie we end. every on purpose episode with a final. five but I want to ask you before we do. that is there anything I haven't asked. you about that's on your heart that's on. your mind that you really want to share. that you want dive into that you want to. talk about that we haven't covered today. for whatever reason and so I just want.

to give you the floor and ask you if. there's anything that you really wanted. to share that doesn't have to be was it. surprising to you how much time I spent. in India yes and we and we should talk. about that yeah sure I I had no idea. uhhuh and I was like yeah you've. definitely been private because I feel. like India is such a big part of my work. and my heart my spiritual home that I. love when people have spent time in. India it's such a special place yeah it.

lives so deeply in me I I really want to. go back and I want to bring my family. and even my husband is like I have to go. because it's so much a part of you um I. do feel like you know when I talk about. the street I grew up on it's Pugsley. Avenue in the Bronx but I also feel like. carola raised me you know it was the. first place I lived when I left the. Cocoon of college right when I was. really into like college is over you're. like for real an adult now you're on.

your own and I walked into that in India. which is like the most magical of places. um so I'm I'm really really. grateful for that place and I hope that. I can spend more time there how many. times have you been back only only that. one time that was the only. time yeah yeah I would love to go back. do you go back often I go back every. year you do every single and where are. you so I'll go to the ash that I spend. time in which is in Mumbai and then 2.

hours outside of Mumbai how long do you. stay there I'll be there for it it. varies like this time I'm going for I'm. going to another pilgrimage this year in. West India and that's for around a week. to 10 days and then in January I'm going. back to the ashro that I was in for like. 2 weeks wow and so it varies sometimes I. go back for three weeks sometimes it's. been a month and do you just like set. aside that time a year ahead on your. calendar I try to yeah I try to make it. a time that's always in and that it's a.

time to completely disconnect so I won't. be on my phone we prep content in. advance so that I don't have to think. about the podcast or social media I just. want to be fully disconnected does your. wife go or yeah she comes with me she. comes with me yeah and it's really fun. we love doing it together oh that's so. beautiful way of just both of us getting. a reset and if anything she makes us do. it even more than I do now when she's. like you know she loves it and it's such. a we sometimes take our family we'll. take our parents really yeah it's really.

beautiful for them as well we just feel. like doing more spiritual things. together as a family is just so deeply. bonding in a different way and it's so. important for our like connection and so. we find that taking her parents and mine. is is a big part of it so yeah is it. hard for you to transition in and out of. like when you get there do you miss the. secular life and when you're when you're. leaving are you like okay I'm done or. are you like oh I wish I could stay. longer I think one of the greatest.

greatest greatest skills that monk. training gave to me was the ability to. just be where I am and be okay with it. and then move when it's done and so I. find that as long as I know why I am. where I am and as long as I know it's. intentional then I feel very grateful. that I can wake up and just feel. I'm where I'm meant to be and I think. that was all because of the way we were. trained where you weren't nowhere was.

more home than anywhere else and that's. like a really interesting training. because most of the time we're trained. to be like know where your home is no. where your roots are but this was almost. like well if your roots were here then. you were always at home that if you were. aligned here then you were always. centered and grounded you didn't you. didn't need an external thing now that. doesn't mean today that I don't like. having I love my home here and I love. feeling grounded here and yes do I feel. more happy when I'm here than in a hotel.

room sure but I don't feel I wake up. without purpose in a hotel room if I'm. there for a reason or when I was touring. this year or whatever it may be and so I. think I look at purpose as my home or at. least at least as a mindset and an. approach right so I feel like I can kind. of switch back on and off I've never. done a book tour before do you have any. advice for me well I'm excited watching. your book I was trying to join you my my. schedule is nuts and I was it looks. amazing you've got so many amazing. guests joining you like I can't wait to.

hear the conversations that come out of. it and the things that other people. share I'm hoping you should ask every. person to share a sec a family secet. secret cuz that would be amazing you. can't imagine the healing but my my only. advice which I mean you've done you've. been on set for months and you've TR I. mean you don't need my advice but for. whatever it's. worth I there were two things the F and. one's external one's internal oh so the. external is my health was my number one. priority because it's so easy to fall.

sick when you're traveling that. practically what did that mean and. practically that meant having a routine. even though it wasn't my routine here. having a tour routine yes so I slept at. 2 a.m. because I'd get off stage at like. 10:30 I'd do a meet and greet I'd be. amped I'd eat at midnight and then I'd. sleep at 2: a.m. I'd wake up at 9:00. a.m. so I'd get 7 hours of sleep i' then. go on a walk around the city that I was. in with my te yeah with my tour manager. or with my team whoever's with me we. just go on a long walk get like 10 to.

20,000 steps sometimes like just really. get active and and be in the place cuz. we weren't really in a place for longer. than a night so I was like not that I. wanted to see the city but I was like I. want to be outdoors I don't want to be. in a gym or you know I don't want to get. lost in that so that was really great. and then I would eat breakfast at 9:00. and then lunch at 12:00 and then I. wouldn't eat again and I would just I. was allowing myself to just. be on stage at night and in the sense of. like I was like I don't need to achieve.

more because I was starting off like. being on stage we'd start a meditation. at 3:00 a.m 300 p.m. and then I wouldn't. get off stage until 10:30 and finish. till midnight so it was just like my 9h. hour workday started at 300 p.m. and so. allowing myself in the morning I don't. need to rush to meetings I don't need to. be on a million phone calls I just need. to focus on being present because then I. can give people the best experience and. and honor that experience and so it was. a very like disciplined approach good. and and really to take it all in like.

I'm sure there's going to be tears I'm. sure there's going to be laughs I'm sure. people are going to want to hug you. after this and share their story and. it's like I look back and I think of. like when and it's what you were saying. that as your life becomes more. public there's as you know better than. anyone there's there's scrutiny there's. there's criticism there's whatever I. found that the love I got from my. community when I was traveling was. enough to keep me AF for all the times. all it fills The Well of all the other. stuff that comes and goes you get to see.

people's eyes and you get to see someone. look into your eyes and say this book. book is going to change my life whatever. and people going to say that to you like. people going to have their stories of. what you've discovered and just getting. to hear that from people and see people. say it people have been fans of yours. for so long and you've probably never. heard them say it in this intimate way. people have loved your characters not. you way that's so true and so just. taking it all in and allowing yourself. to be present with it so the external. thing is the discipline and the health.

and the internal thing is allowing. yourself I think sometimes we're. so aware of like ego and worrying about. whatever it may be and being modest and. and I was just like you know what I'm. just going to soak up all the love just. take in all the love like whenever I. allow myself to just really receive the. love and I need it too I need to be. nurtured by love why am I deflect it or. whatever just just take the love like. it's so funny when you say that because. when I was reading your book which is.

just like a full-on study of love in all. of its forms I felt like in so many ways. it was like my Memoir is like your book. in the wild like it's so many Concepts. that you talk about in terms of. forgiveness or um partnership or. vulnerability like it's it's it's what. I'm expressing of how I was grappling. with that like if only I had had your. book when I was like 12 to help me walk. through life but it's really fun to to.

see how usable your your book is so like. it's it's so spoton in giving people. what we need in life that's so. reassuring thank you I mean that I I. could only dream of having it connect. with a real life story as much as that. because yeah thank you that that means. the world to me thank you I really. received that that's so special. you. know just I. mean I think that's that's kind of like.

the the perfect match in the world where. we need where it's like the we need the. human story of what it really looks like. because it's messy and it's. uncomfortable and then hopefully we can. all extrapolate lessons from it yeah and. get a toolbox it's like like if you get. triggered reading this book get Jay's. book and then you'll have a tool box to. help you grow and heal no and and I say. the other way around I feel like people. to see the messiness of what it looks. like and and I don't shy away from that.

but I think when you read about it and. you see like oh this is what the. uncomfortable conversation looked like. this what the Revelation looks like this. is what the work looks like like I think. we need both sides because sometimes we. have a romantic view of what growth. looks like and what having the. Revelation conversation with your family. looks like and we know that that's not. true and and I and I would love to I. love how how much time you spend in. India for sure I was I was definitely. surprised what would you say what would. you say then in that regard was like.

obviously you talked about the gift of. your yoga training you talked about the. gift of you referred to it many many. times what was what was. the what surprised you about India I. think the thing that was most surprising. and impactful for me about India was how. drenched in God everything is you know. like I grew up in communities where. there's like a liquor store on every. corner but in India there's a an altar.

on every corner there's just you know. when you walk into someone's house. there's an altar there's a Puja room. there's a there's like you can't escape. God if you wanted the very way you say. hello is like an acknowledgement of the. god and each other so that was really. powerful for me in a time when I was. really seeking God in my healing and. um yeah I just I found it impossible to.

escape a sense of spirituality in India. and it's not an easy place right like. people are not it's not like everywhere. you turn everybody's comfortable and. things are easy so it is this. combination of like life is hard life is. vibrant and chaotic and like the. everything's so pungent right like the. scents and the colors and the it's it's. so filled with life like real material. life and yet every single inch of that.

is also connected to God and that I feel. like is something that I try to live in. my life like to live life fully like out. loud and big and in truth and to go. after whatever it is that the Dharma is. leading you toward but to not have it. just be for self or for material this. life to have it be about God and with. God and for God and that it feels like. that's so much of what I learned there. yeah well I mean I don't think I don't.

think there's any greater gift that a. place could give you that's pretty. spectacular so special yeah and it's uh. I I'd love to show you my temple room. afterwards I would love that I would. love that it would be beautiful to show. it to you like but no I hope G this has. been a serving and an offering to your. offering to the world I I really mean. that because I really believe that this. book for you is not. a it's not a celebrity Memoir like you.

know it's it's so it's. so it's so human and it's. so it's so truth seeking and so I really. hope that this has served you and served. your offering in the world and you know. I'm I'm excited for everyone to to read. it to connect with it to share it with. their family share it with their friends. and and hopefully uncover discover and. recover from family secrets that may be. holding you back in whatever way and and.

being able to have the grace to hold the. supposed Paradox with that you know. compassion and empathy amen yeah amen. thank you that's my hope and intention. for for you and your book tour and I. wish you nothing but so much impact and. can already see everyone smiling and the. faces and the the lives being impacted. and changed based on the work you've. done so thank you so much it's such a. privilege to be here I'm so grateful I.

still have to ask you the final five I I. know you tried to dodge them Carri I saw. I should have prepared to I'm like such. a fan I should have prepared you. distracted me but I hope yeah I hope we. got if there was anything else that you. wanted know this was amazing all right I. wanted to make sure be honest with me. anytime okay so all right question one. Carrie what is the best advice you've. ever received or had. the best advice I've ever received or. heard is to.

pray when I learned to pray and meditate. to me there are sort of two sides of the. same coin you know like it's the talking. to God and listening to God you know. whenever in my life I'm reminded to. pray it's never a bad thing it's always. a path to. goodness because it's always um an act. of of. surrender and an invitation to help and. the the act of prayer for me and of.

meditation is really for me about. picking up a tool of. humility because when I'm not making. room for Spiritual practice it's like I. think I'm in charge and so the the. prayer helps me remember and the. meditation helps me remember to be part. of something greater to not be trying to. control and run everything but to. connect myself to something bigger what. a great answer we've never had that. before on the show what did how did you.

learn how to pray and for anyone who. struggles with prayer because they think. they have to have the perfect words or. they don't know where to start like what. would you suggest for someone it was. part of um my first time I ever got on. my knees really to ask something greater. than me for help was when I was really. struggling with my eating disorder stuff. which I talk about um and that was that. was the first time in my life that I was. like I can't fix this like I don't know. I do not have the tools and I don't know. where to go and I don't know what to do.

and I'm going to need somebody or. something to step in and help me out um. that was my first experience with prayer. and then there's a really beautiful book. I think it's one of the most important. books that I've read in my life called. the artist Way by Julia Cameron and that. book taught me a lot about bringing. spiritual practice into my creativity. and into my life as creative practice. but prayer through journaling and I. think there's no wrong way to pray and. honestly I my prayer looks like all. different kinds of ways like it I think.

like any relationship my relationship. with spirit is always evolving and. changing according to where I am and you. know sometimes it's like sitting on the. pillow with the candle and the incense. is like that's it it's just like. sometimes date night is like that. perfect elegant five star you're dressed. up he's in a suit it's a whole right. like sometimes the ritual is that and. sometimes it's like I'm in my car I'm at. the red light I'm like. all right God like I'm going to need you. to step in and you know take this day on. you know it sometimes it's just singing.

gospel music sometimes it's doing some. sun salutations sometimes it's like just. saying God God Only God 107 times in a. row like whatever it is it can be it can. be so many different things sometimes. it's just swimming but that just making. room for seeking other something greater. than me it's beautiful what a wonderful. do you pray with the kids and we do at. night we do um at night we do prayer. requests and gratitude together as a. family I love that that's so special.

yeah it is really special it's really. fun to watch what do the kids come up. yeah what do they it's great you know. you never know I mean sometimes it's. like their sometimes their gratitude is. really. profound um I'm grateful that a. grandparent is feeling better or um I'm. grateful for this family trip and time. with cousins and sometimes it's like I'm. really grateful for pickles you're like. what okay you know like that's cool. that too is God right so like it's. really it's fun and and also the the. prayer request it's it's just our kind.

of family way of remembering to think. outside yourself and sometimes the. prayer can be for yourself I really hope. my ankle feels better I really but it's. also a way to. remember to include other people in your. seeking you know beautiful I love that. all right well that was just question. one so I know question number two what. is the worst advice you've ever heard or. received. I think about this book that I talk. about in my book that I like stole from. the library when I was a kid that was.

called a new you that you missed the. dude miss the D again and again and. again and again um you know this idea. that it it appears in like magazines for. young women and it there's this. messaging out there that to be loved you. must be something other than who you are. you know that to be loved you have to be. prettier and you have to know what. colors are right for you and you have to. know how to sit and how to walk and how. to stand and um I'm all about being.

having good manners and being. appropriate to a situation but the idea. that you have to be on somebody other. than who you are to be deserving of Love. is messaging that was is damaging I. think it was definitely damaging for me. and I think for a lot of. people yeah and that's and it gets so. ingrained yes and it sounds so obvious. but it's it's not and it and it's so. subtle and so yeah I mean even from a. young age when you hear kids saying like.

I need those sneakers or else I'm not. going to be cool like it's these. messages these I think. consumerism has a lot to do with it this. idea that you must have that lipstick or. that mascara or. that face lift or those pair of jeans or. whatever it is in order to be good. enough and um it's just not true it's. just not true you are lovable and by way. love sneakers love lipstick Love mascara. like you can have those things you can. play with those things but but the idea.

that to do you must do those things to. be lovable to be worthy that's where um. the wrong messaging yeah gets implanted. yeah to to quote Tik Tok I don't know if. you've seen this new Tik Tok which I. love and it's and the the the the sound. is telling you how to dress to impress a. man oh I love. everyone's like doing the opposite yes. it's so great so great I haven't done.

that one I should do that one yeah I. someone I saw someone do it with their. daughter the other little girl it was so. cute was like yeah yeah it's really cool. so anyway um but that that idea. definitely I love that great answer all. right question number three is how would. you define your current. purpose my current purpose is to. hold. space for my scary truths and other.

people's scary truths and to create. community in. that that's really powerful and that's. amazing I think that's it for now it. sounds like a good one for Q4 that's the. purpose for Q4 I'll get back to. you I love that I love that it's so nice. to put into words though isn't it it's. just like even think about it it's like. yeah yeah that's great I love the answer. all right question number four we talked. about what you're trying to learn now is.

there anything you're trying to unlearn. is there any beliefs that you're trying. to unlearn or values or. ideas I think I'm working to. unlearn the. belief that I am not. enough and I think I'm working to. unlearn the belief that I am. less important and less deserving where. does that still come from where's.

that where's that hiding I think there. is you know when I think about the word. sacrifice and that sacrifice does come. from sacred right and and I think for. some. reason as an only child as a as a young. person I. understood that there was something. sacred about. sacrificing my own need or desire or.

truth even to make space for someone. else's Journey I've placed so much value. on other people's sense of joy and. goodness and safety that I've been. willing to sacrifice my own sense of joy. and goodness and. safety and I don't regret. it I think. it's not wrong to care about how other. people feel and want to do what's right. for other people I'm just learning to.

let myself be one of those people right. to include myself it's not like now I. want to do whatever I want to do and to. hell with whoever it hurts but it's like. I need to be as important as the other. people I'm considering that I deserve. that that's new for me yeah one of the. greatest Les I think I've tried to learn. is. that again the world is trying to do. either or so some of us think the answer.

is just take care of yourself who cares. about what anyone else thinks and the. opposite is well just sacrifice just. serve Just Surrender and give yourself. over to everyone that's the greatest. gift and something that I've learned. that has really helped me is that. actually taking care of myself yes in. order to serve others is the complete. picture that taking care of myself is. not selfish if my intention and.

reasoning is so I can go out and do more. give more be more for others but I can't. do more give more and be more for others. if I'm giving everyone The Leftovers of. that's right I have to give from my. overflow correct yeah and. similarly I've also learned that. sometimes giving to others is a way that. I can be giving to myself absolutely. because I can like my giving to others. can be How I build hope and community.

and belonging for myself there can be. this dialogue between the two so just to. not forget myself in the equation is so. important yeah and that when you give to. someone I also notice it this way that. when I give something to. someone often I feel like I'm the one. doing the giving but actually the fact. that there's some there to receive it is. such a gift it's a gift because if there. was no one for you to give your gift.

to then it would feel incomplete and so. the fact that even someone has a. challenge an opportunity a moment that. you get to give something to someone we. have to see that good for ourselves like. as opposed to this feeling of like oh I. I did this for all of you that's right. that's right yeah so yeah that's. beautiful I love that all right Fifth. and final question which we asked every. guess you should have practiced car but. if you could create one law that's right. that everyone in the world had to follow.

oh my God what would it be take your. time one law your so far been fantastic. A++ for everything oh God God so much. pressure one law that everyone in the. world had to follow I think it would be. required compassion and empathy. training when I think about all of the. like ills of Society all of our kind of. social evils come from us not being able. to care for each other you know when you.

even when you think of like really. mentally ill folks that it that there. there. is I don't want to say that cuz some of. it is biological but there I feel like. there could be so much pain that's. avoided we could stop so much transfer. of generational pain and suffering we. could prevent so much much abuse if we. could just give people empathy and. compassion training it would impact how.

we legislate how we interact with one. another how we um how we care for each. other in society I think we need that so. badly right now in our families in our. schools and our businesses and our. government bodies we just need so much. more empathy and. compassion I love that yeah that's. beautiful and there would have to be a. special chapter on having it for. yourself too yes yes yeah for sure yeah.

for sure yeah everyone the book is. called thicker than water I have it. right here Carri Washington and Memoir. make sure you go and order your copy. we'll have the link in the comments and. the caption so you can go and grab your. copy right now Carrie is also going on. tour so if you don't have your tickets. yet make sure you're go and grab your. tickets to see her live she's got. phenomenal guests joining her as well so. make sure you go and check that out and. of course please please please tag. Kerrie and I with moments of this.

episode that resonated with you on inst. and respond yeah please let us know what. really stood out to you what you're. going to practice maybe you've been. inspired to share something with your. family member maybe to ask questions to. your family as well to understand more. about your Origins and where you came. from and who you are so I hope you're. leaving this feeling empowered liberated. and strengthened in your Pursuit for. truths and again I want to thank you. Carri for your generosity your openness.

to share your vulnerability and this new. friendship that we're building I'm so. excited very grateful for us thank you. thank you so much so much thank you what. a treat if you love this episode you. will enjoy my interview with Dr Julie. Smith on unblocking negative emotions. and how to embrace difficult feelings. you've just got to be motivated every. day and if you're not then what are you. doing and and actually humans don't work. that way motivation you have to treat it. like any other emotion some days it will.

be there some days it won't.