Jay Shetty: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt (You Are NOT Responsible for Their Feelings)

You're not responsible for someone's. insecurity. You can't fix what's broken inside them. That's their work to do. You're not responsible for their. unrealistic expectations. You decide your limits, not their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their. misplaced anger. Their reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt that isn't yours. Number one health and wellness podcast.

Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the. only, Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On. Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn, and grow. I'm your host Jay. Shetty, and today we're talking about. the things you're not responsible for. I don't know about you, but I feel like. we all carry. and feel responsible for more than we. can hold. Sometimes the weight feels so.

heavy, and we're trying to carry our parents'. expectations, we're trying to carry the. responsibilities that we have on a. day-to-day basis, we're trying to carry. people's emotions and feelings and pain, and it could often feel like it's just. weighing so heavy. And at the end of trying to carry all of. this, you just feel like falling and. breaking down. I'm sure you felt the same way, where. you feel like the weight you're carrying. is getting heavier every single year.

And the weight of people's expectations, opinions, obligations, whatever it may. be, never, ever stops. In fact, it just continues to grow and. accelerate as time goes on. As you listen to this episode today, I. want it to be freeing. I want you to feel lighter. I want you to feel liberated. As you.

listen to this episode, I want you to. feel like you can actually move and. think and have space to create. Because. what we don't realize is when we feel. responsible for things that we don't. need to be responsible for, we are blocked. Our creativity is blocked. Our passions. are blocked. Our time is blocked. So. much of our intuition is blocked. because we're making space and room for.

everything else. So, the first thing that I want to talk. about, the first thing you're not responsible. for. is other people's feelings. You can respect them, but their emotional reactions aren't. yours to carry or fix. You can be kind to people, but people will still feel hurt. You can be present with people,

but they can still feel distant. You can be thoughtful, but people will still feel unheard. You are not responsible for other. people's feelings. I remember being that person where I. would over analyze every text, every. email, every message, every interaction. to say things perfectly, to say things in a way that there would. be no opportunity for misinterpretation.

or fallout. And guess what? People were still upset. People were still hurt. Not because I. wanted them to be hurt. If anything, I. was trying to avoid that. But I found. that I'm not responsible for other. people's feelings. If someone wants to be hurt, they'll be hurt no matter what you say. If someone wants to be mad at you, they'll be mad at you no matter what you.

say. If someone wants to feel upset with you, they'll feel upset with you no matter. what you say or do. If someone has made their mind up about. how they feel about you, there is nothing you can do to fix it. You can be kind, you can be respectful, you can try, but you can't be responsible for their. feelings because why? If you're. responsible for their feelings, your.

time, your energy starts. to follow theirs. If they're in a good. mood, you're in a good mood. If they're. in a bad mood, you're in a bad mood. If they're high energy, you're high. energy. If they're low energy, you're. low energy. Constantly, we feel our highs and lows. are mirroring the highs and lows of the. person we're tied to. Often, the hardest people to do this. with is our parents. We feel responsible. for our parents' feelings. So, when your. parent's going through something really,

really difficult, maybe they're going. through a transition, maybe they're going through a shift or a. change. And all of a sudden, not only are you. constantly thinking about their. feelings, you feel responsible for them. You feel it's your job to make today a. great day for them. You try and change everything, you. change your whole routine, you call them. first thing in the morning, you put. aside all the tasks. And by the way, this is all well-intentioned. And it's a.

beautiful act of love. But what we don't realize is we haven't. helped them develop the emotional skills. and tools they need. You're trying to be a mood shifter, a. mood changer for that person rather than. putting the control in their hand. It's almost like saying, "Hey, I'll. decide what to watch for watch tonight. Hey, I'll decide what to order tonight.". And sure, it can be great to create that. space in the short term,

but long term, the goal is to equip that. person with the ability to make choices. about their own feelings. Trust me when I say this. This is not. about being hard-hearted. It's not about. not caring. It's not about not loving. someone you really, really love. It's about recognizing that real love is. helping someone. learn how to choose their feelings and. emotions.

You're not helping someone if you're. debilitating them. You're not helping. someone if they're dependent on you to. feel good. If someone's dependent on you to feel. good, you have not helped them. You've. stole them. Think about that for a second. If. someone is dependent on you to feel. happy, you have not helped them. You've actually hurt them. Because that means when you're not. available, when you're not accessible,

when you're not capable, when you don't. have time or space, that person can't find that joy. I'm sure that's not what you want for. them. So, we don't want to feel responsible. for other people's feelings. We want to feel connected in helping. them, supporting them, being there for them, but not responsible. Because when you're responsible for it, you then take it into your own life and.

start to carry it. The second thing you're not responsible. for. is how people perceive you. You can say everything right. and people will still think you're. wrong. You can speak the truth. and people will still think you're. lying. You can try to explain yourself. and people will still misunderstand you.

You are not responsible for how people. perceive you. They might base it off a first. impression, something someone else said, something. they heard. If someone chooses to perceive you based. on another person's opinion of you, that means they don't want to get to. know you. Let me say that again. If someone bases. their perception of you based on how.

another person perceives you, they don't. actually want to get to know you. If. someone told you that someone else was. lazy, disorganized, and you take their. word for it, it means you don't want to. make the time or the energy to actually. get to know that person. Because chances are, if you did get to. know them, you might realize that just. like all of us, they're lazy in some. ways, but they're organized in other. ways. So if we're using people as our.

shortcuts to learn about people, then guess what? We don't want to deeply. get to know that person. You're not responsible for how people. perceive you because people will. perceive you through all sorts of ways. Think about this for a second. What's the one word someone would use to. describe you if they saw you but didn't. speak to you? Second question.

How would someone describe you in one. word if they spoke to you for a few. minutes. Now, imagine if someone spoke to you for. a few hours. I'm guessing there's a big difference in. how someone perceives you when they see. you and don't speak to you, when they. speak to you for a few minutes, and when. they speak to you for a few hours. That's definitely true for me. Right? I feel like if someone saw me, they may have a certain perception. If.

someone spoke to me for a few minutes, they'll have another perception. And if. someone spent hours or months or years. with me, they'll have a different. perception. How can you possibly be responsible. for how people perceive you. when the way people see you. is the way they see the world. The way. people see you. is how they often look at themselves. The way people see you. is how they've felt seen or unseen in.

the past. The way people see you. is based on someone else they met that. was kind of like you. There are so many touch points as to how. someone deciphers and decides how they. perceive you. You could try and be really nice, and. someone will say, "They're trying too. hard.". You could be a little standoffish, and people will say, "Oh, they're really. distant and absent.". You could try and be really interested.

and curious, and people will say, "They. ask too many questions.". You could be a little more introverted, and people say, "Oh, well, they suck the. energy out of the room.". How people perceive your silence. is different. Some people perceive it as a strength, as a power. Some people perceive it as a weakness. I really understood this. when. I lived in the monastery and.

we were exposed to this idea. of humility. And humility was seen as the number one. quality that humans could aspire for. But today, when people demonstrate. humility, people often think of it as. low self-esteem, or they think of it as. low self-worth. They don't value it. They value someone who's got a bit of. swag, who's got a bit of confidence. But for the monks, humility is the. greatest sign of confidence. The ability to accept what you know and.

what you don't know. To be honest about your strengths and. your weaknesses. To be clear about what you're good at. and what you're bad at. That's reality. But today, we reward people who feel. confident all the time. People who look like they have it all. together. Perception is also different all across. the world. And how we receive people's praise and. perception is fascinating. I remember looking at a case study of. the performance company Cirque du.

Soleil. You might have even heard of. them, or you might have even been to see. a show. In some parts of the world, when. the acrobats would jump through a hoop, triple flip backwards, land on their. feet, fall through a hoop of fire, the. audience would go crazy. The audience would be applauding, praising, shouting, screaming, losing. it. And the acrobats would feel acknowledged.

and seen. And in some other cultures around the. world, the acrobats would finish a show. and feel like they flopped. They'd feel like they failed. Why? Because the audience didn't clap as. loud. The audience didn't shout as loud. The audience didn't scream as loud. But here's the fascinating thing about. that. When Cirque du Soleil went and did some. studies on this,

they realized certain cultures don't. show their emotions and their praise as. expressively. Someone could be clapping like this and. feel the same level of excitement as. someone who's on their seat jumping and. shouting. They actually had to train the acrobats. to realize that different cultures. express appreciation differently. Some cultures had the ability to be so. expressive, to be so emphatic, to be so.

verbally congratulatory. that they'd feel it. But they had to give the same. performance when the audience didn't. respond that way. This is one of the challenges about how. people perceive us. If you feel. responsible. for how people perceive you, you will. always be performing. You will always be on a stage. You will never feel you can take the.

mask off. You will feel like every word you say. and every act and every thought and. every behavior is under scrutiny. This is known as the spotlight effect. where you feel that your whole life is. constantly being analyzed. So before. someone else can analyze you, you. analyze yourself. You filter yourself, you edit yourself, you overthink. yourself, and now guess what? You get. more and more distant from the person.

you are. You're not responsible for how other. people perceive you. The third thing you're not responsible. for. is fixing people's problems. You can offer support. but you can't solve it. You can be patient. but you can't take away their pain. You can be helpful, but you can't fix. The number one reason most of us want to. fix other people's problems.

is to make ourselves feel better. It's the harsh truth, but we all know it's real. I feel that way as well. I spent years. trying to solve and fix people's. problems. I cared for them, I loved. them, I didn't want them to feel pain. What did I actually do? I stole. their ability. to solve their own problems. I took away their independence and.

strength. to deal with what they were going. through. I thought it was either or. Either I'm on the sidelines or I'm fully. deep in there trying to save them. Not realizing that it required a bit. from them. It required them to find themselves. Now, this doesn't mean I need to hide. from them. It didn't mean I need to. distance myself for them. It means I. need to understand the difference. between support. and solution.

We need to understand the difference. between focusing your energy and trying. to fix. When you get lost trying to fix someone. else's problems, you're rattling off all. these solutions, all these multiple. steps they can take. And maybe they'll be lucky if they can. take it. What we don't get too often is the root. of why they can't solve it. You could give someone all the best. solutions in the world. and they could still make no shift.

Because what's blocking them. is their own belief in themselves. What's blocking them. is them worrying about what people. think. What's blocking them is them worrying. about. how they're going to be seen, how. they're going to be looked at. I was uh talking to a friend the other. day. and it dawned on me. how many people are scared to put up a. post or a video or a piece of content. because they're worried about what their.

friends will think. You could fix their. problem by solving it, sending them all. the videos, giving them advice, whatever. it may be. But, that's the root of their issue. You may have a family member who wants. to be healthier. and you're sending them everything. Here's the article, here's the podcast, here's the blog, here's the everything. And that person just feels overwhelmed. by the information. Because what they need to do is take one. step. Not catch up with you. I was saying this to a friend this. morning on a walk. We were talking about.

why it often feels like it takes people. around us so long to understand us. And I was sharing this analogy with him. I said to him, "It's like. when you've just finished watching. season 4 of an amazing show. And you're. telling all your friends, 'Hey, you need. to watch this show. It's amazing. I love. it. It's incredible.' And now they've. got to spend all that time catching up. So, you're at season 4, you've finished. it, and they're at season 1.

And not everyone is going to go on that. journey with you. So, you're not responsible to fix. everyone's problems. You can only tell. them what could work, but you can't fix. it. That person has to watch the show. Right? That person has to make the time. The person has to commit to all the. episodes of the show, and that's. entertainment, let alone growth. So, I can't fix it. I can't solve it for. you. You have to put in work. And often we'll sit there and we'll just. be sitting there going, "How do I fix.

this? What do I do? What can I say? What. can I do? What is the perfect thing I. can say?" I used to have a client who. used to say that to me all the time. They'd say, "Jay, you always say the. perfect thing. Can you teach me how to. always say the perfect thing?". And I remember saying to me, I said, "First of all, I don't always say the. perfect thing. And if I do, it's because I'm present. It's not because I'm trying to say the. perfect thing. You don't say the right thing because. you're trying to say the right thing. You say the right thing because you're. so conscious, aligned, and present in.

that moment. that you can truly resonate with that. person. Number four, you are not responsible for living up to. others' expectations. Because guess what? You never will. Even if you try to live up to other. people's expectations, you never will. You will let people down.

Even if you try your hardest not to. They'll be disappointed. They'll be disheartened. Even if you try your best. Because the truth is, we can't read. anyone's mind. And no one can read ours. It's not. possible for me to check off every box. of the expectation you have. How many of you have ever tried to plan. something for a family member or friend? Maybe it's a surprise birthday. Maybe. it's getting a gift. Maybe it's a.

vacation or a getaway. And maybe you tried to plan it. meticulously. But there was something along the way. that person said, "Oh, that flight was. too long. Oh, the hotel bed wasn't. comfortable. Oh, you know, like I like. that music, but it's not my favorite. type. Oh, you know, I don't really love. chocolate cake. I prefer You know, whatever it is. Like. you couldn't possibly know everyone's. preference. And we feel very responsible to live up.

to other people's expectations. Some people expect you to get a a job. So you chase it your whole life. only to realize it's not the job you. want. Some people want you to find a certain. partner. So, you chase a particular type of. partner only to realize you have nothing. in common with them. Some people in your life will expect you. to have children. And you may have children because of. that expectation only to realize you. weren't ready to be a parent. When you pursue and chase things that.

other people expect of you, even if you. get them, they won't be happy and. neither will you. How can you be happy chasing someone. else's priority? How could you ever be joyful chasing. someone else's. life? So, don't feel responsible for other. people's expectations. because those are the expectations they. often had of themselves. Sometimes it's not even that they want.

you to have a good career. They want to be friends with someone who. has a good career. They want to be able to tell their. friends that you're having a child, that. you're getting married, whatever it may. be. I remember. not going to my graduation ceremony. I graduated, but I didn't go to the. event where you get the scroll and you. wear the hat and all the rest of it. And my mom never got that picture and I. remember my mom would say to me, she'd. say, "All my friends have pictures of. their kids graduating. I don't have a.

picture of you graduating.". And it's a really, really interesting. thought because there was this. expectation she had of me. Now, it's not. the biggest deal and my mom's wonderful, but there's that feeling. that. I would have had to either be at my. graduation ceremony or at that point I. was living as a monk in India. And now when I look back at that, I. think, "Wow, it's so obvious I made the right. decision." But if I tried to live up to. her expectation, I would have made the. wrong choice. I I growing up, my parents really wanted.

me to study. sciences. They would have loved for me to study. biology and chemistry and physics, and. instead I studied art and design and. economics and sociology and philosophy. And that those were the subjects I was. attracted to, and now when I look back I. think wait a minute, if I would have. lived up to their expectation, I would have been further away from. myself. The closer you get to living up to other.

expectations, the further away you are from yourself. The closer you get to checking off. everyone else's list, the further away you are from knowing. what's on yours. The closer you get to winning in the. eyes of others, the further away you are. from winning in your own eyes. We're actually losing. You lose a part of yourself.

when you try to meet someone else's. expectation of you that you don't value. Stop. feeling like you're responsible for. other people's expectations. Those expectations come from their. expectations of their own, their. expectations of their life, the. expectations they adopted from their. parents, the expectations that they've. adopted from their community, and make sure that the expectations. you're setting.

are the ones you want to commit your. life to. Number five, you're not responsible for. how others decide to treat you. Their mood isn't your job. Their actions aren't your fault. You don't have to manage someone else's. bad day. Their behavior is about them. It doesn't say anything about who you. are. You're not responsible for making.

someone else grow up. Maturity is their journey. You don't have to carry that burden. I think often we feel. very, very responsible for how people. treat us. We feel that the way they behave with us. is a sign of who we are. I was speaking to someone last week who. said. the person that broke up with them has. made them feel like they're not lovable.

I was speaking to someone else a couple. of months ago and they were saying that. their manager is making them feel like. they don't have any value. And. the reality is if you have a. relationship with someone, it's worth. checking. I want to understand where this is. coming from. I want to recognize and know. if. the way you're treating me. where is it coming from? What's beneath.

this? Because usually you'll find some people. don't have a good reason at all. They were angry. They were tired. They. were exhausted. And you were receiving. their anger, their exhaustion, and their. fatigue. You weren't receiving what you deserved. You were receiving what they were. dealing with because they didn't give. themselves the rest they deserved. Think about that for a second.

You were receiving. not what you deserved, but you were. receiving what they were experiencing. People don't treat you how you deserve. to be treated. They treat you how they treat. themselves. The way people treat you is not a. reflection of you. It's a reflection of how they see. themselves and what they're feeling. The way people treat you shows you how.

that person is living right now, not how you're performing. You can't be responsible for how others. decide to treat you, because then you'd be responsible for. their entire life. You'd have to manage. their morning, their evening, their day, their relationships. You'd have to. manage everything. in order to hope that they treat you. right. And sometimes maybe even we do that. We.

try and over manage, we try and over. monitor, we try and over control someone. to hope that they'll treat us better. Only to realize nothing changes. And then we wonder, "Why is nothing. changing? I'm doing everything right.". Well, because there's something. internally that that person's going. through. that we don't have control over. So, I want this episode to be a. reminder. You're not responsible for someone's. insecurity. You can't fix what's broken inside them.

That's their work to do. You're not responsible for their. unrealistic expectations. You decide your limits, not their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their. misplaced anger. Their reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt that isn't yours. You're not responsible for someone. else's happiness. Their joy isn't your job.

You've got your own heart to take care. of. And you're not responsible for other. people misunderstanding you. You don't have to prove yourself. Your truth is enough. And you're not responsible for making. them respect your boundaries. Set them clearly and firmly. Enforcing them isn't selfish. It's necessary. And you're not responsible for anyone. else's approval. Their validation doesn't define you.

because you're already enough. exactly as you are. I hope you'll pass this episode on. because sometimes we just need these. reminders. Because we're all carrying that weight. And I hope this frees up yours. Thank you for listening to On Purpose. Leave a review, share this episode with. a friend, and remember, I'm forever in. your corner and I'm always rooting for. you. If you love this episode, you'll really. enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on.

befriending your inner critic and how to. speak to yourself with more compassion. My fears are only going to continue to. show me what I'm capable of. The more. that I face my fears, the more that I. feel I'm gaining strength, I'm gaining. wisdom, and I just want to keep doing. that.