If you still think about your ex every day and can’t move on, please watch this...

I know what you've been doing. You've. been going back through the photos. Not. all of them, just the good ones. The one. from that trip. The one where they're. laughing at something and the light is. hitting them exactly right. You've. looked at it more times than you would. ever admit to anyone. You've been. listening to songs that you have no. business listening to right now. You. know which ones. The ones that you. basically turned into a soundtrack for a. movie about the two of you, your. relationship. A movie that's much better. than the relationship actually was. You've been checking their Instagram.

Maybe not on their main feed, you're. smarter than that, but their stories for. sure. At 1:00 a.m. trying to figure out. who that person in the background of the. photo is. You've been having. conversations with them in your head. Long, articulate, emotionally. devastating conversations where you. finally say everything you should have. said and they finally understand and. something resolves. And then you come. back to reality. And they hadn't texted. And somehow that hurts more than the.

imaginary conversation. You've been doing the math. How many. days since you last spoke? Whether. they're thinking about you. What they're. doing right now. Whether the thing you. said in that argument 3 months before. the end was the thing that actually. ended it. And in your most honest. moments, the 3:00 a.m. ones or the. Tuesday afternoon ones when you're. supposed to be working, you've been. telling yourself a story. The story goes. something like this. It was so good. I've never felt that way before.

I don't know if I'll ever feel that way. ever again. Maybe we gave up too soon. Maybe they. were the one. I'm going to need you to sit with me for. 30 minutes today because I need to tell. you something about that story, about. your brain, about what's actually. happening when you romanticize your ex. When you romanticize someone you've. lost. And about what's waiting for you. on the other side of this spiral if. you're willing to walk through it rather. than loop it around forever. This is not a you'll be fine pep talk.

This is not toxic positivity wearing a. therapy speak costume. This is the real. thing, the neuroscience, the psychology, the ancient wisdom, and the practical. tools because you deserve the actual. truth more than you deserve to feel. temporarily soothed. Ready? Let's go. This is the harsh truth. Your brain is. lying to you, and I want to share with. you the neuroscience of why they seem. perfect now that they're gone. Let's. start with the most important thing.

The person you are missing. does not exist. Not doesn't exist anymore, not exists. but is different now, not exists but is. with someone else. The specific person. you're currently grieving, the one who. appears in the photos you keep returning. to, the one who stars in the mental. highlight reel you keep playing, the one. who felt irreplaceable and perfect and. like coming home, that person is a. construction, a story your brain is.

telling you. And your brain right now is. a profoundly unreliable narrator. Here's. why. When we experience loss, the brain. does something that is genuinely. astonishing from a neuroscience. perspective and genuinely cruel from a. human one. It edits. Memory is not a recording. We. have known this in psychology for. decades, but it runs counter to how. memory feels. We experience our memories. as faithful replications of what. happened. They're not. Every time you.

retrieve a memory, you're not playing it. back. You're reconstructing it, and. every reconstruction is influenced by. your current emotional state, your. current needs, and your current. narrative about who you are and what. your life means. This was established. definitively by the cognitive. psychologist Elizabeth Loftus, one of. the most important and most. under-appreciated scientists of the 20th. century. Her research on memory. distortion showed that human memory is. extraordinarily malleable. We add.

details that weren't there. We remove. details that were there. We. unconsciously rewrite what happened to. fit what we believe, what we feel, and. what we need to be true. Now, apply that. to a relationship you've just lost. Your. brain is in a state of loss, and in a. state of loss, the brain has a very. specific and predictable bias. It. amplifies the positive and suppresses. the negative in memories of what was. lost. This is not a quirk. This is not. weakness. This is a documented.

neurological phenomenon. The moments of. warmth, connection, laughter, and. intimacy get vivid. The chronic pattern. of dismissal, the way they made you feel. small in front of their friends, the way. they went cold when you needed them. most, the Sunday arguments that always. circled the same drain, those get fuzzy, dimmed, explained away. You end up. remembering a relationship that was. approximately 40% better than the one. you actually had. And here's the other. thing happening in your brain.

simultaneously. When you were in the. relationship, your brain's reward. system, the dopamine circuits, adapted. to the presence of your partner. They. became a predicted reward, something. your brain had learned to anticipate and. plan around. When the relationship ends, that reward prediction is suddenly, violently disrupted. And the disruption. of a predicted reward is neurologically. identical to withdrawal. This is not metaphor. Researchers at. Rutgers University, Helen Fisher and her.

colleagues, put people who had recently. been rejected in romantic relationships. into an fMRI scanner and showed them. photos of their ex. This will shock you. The brain regions that activated were. the same ones that activate in cocaine. addiction, the ventral tegmental area. The obsessive thinking, the physical. ache, the craving, the compulsive. checking behavior, these are not signs. of how deep your love was. They're signs. of withdrawal.

You're not pining for a person. You're. detoxing from a neurochemical. And here's where it gets even more. interesting and more uncomfortable. The. brain doesn't just romanticize by. boosting the positive memories. It also. uses a mechanism called deprivation. amplification. Things we cannot have. become more desirable, not despite their. unavailability, but because of it. [clears throat]. The psychological literature calls this. reactance. When something is taken away,

we instinctively want it more, independent of how much we actually. wanted it before. Think about that for a second. You might. be partially in love with the. unavailability itself. You might be. confusing the ache of deprivation, the. biological screaming of a reward system. that's been cut off, with evidence of. exceptional, irreplaceable love. Not because you're foolish, but because. you're human. There's a line I think about all the.

time from Victor Frankl. Between stimulus and response, there is. space. In that space is our power to choose our. response. Understanding what's happening in your. brain right now is that space. It is the. difference between being controlled by. that neurological process and being able. to look at it, name it, and make a. different choice. So, let's look at the. other thing your brain is doing. Let's. look at the story. The story you're telling is fiction.

There's a difference between your. highlight reel and the full picture. There's a concept in cognitive. behavioral therapy called selective. abstraction. The [snorts] tendency to. focus on one element of a situation. while ignoring the broader context. To. take a fragment and let it represent the. whole. We do this all the time, right? You judge someone based on your first. interaction. In plain language, you're. watching the trailer for your. relationship, not the film. The trailer.

Trailers, as you know, are masterpieces. of selective editing. Have you ever been. to the theaters and you watch a trailer. before the movie that you're going for. and then you think, "I can't wait to. watch that movie." Then you watch that. movie and every joke was in the trailer. Every action moment was in the trailer. Every beautiful romantic moment was in. the trailer and the movie was average. Every great line, every beautiful image, every moment of connection and. tenderness and electricity cut together. to make you want to see the movie. The. trailer for a mediocre film can make it.

look like the most important cinematic. experience of your lifetime. If you've just gone through a breakup, this is what your brain is doing. It has. cut a 3-minute trailer for a 2-year. relationship and you have watched that. trailer so many times that you've. started to believe the trailer is the. relationship. So, I want to do something. with you that's going to be. uncomfortable. And I want you to do it. honestly. I want you to watch the full film. Not to be cruel, not to demonize them or.

to erase what was really good. But because you cannot make clear-eyed. decisions about your own recovery, about. whether you should reach out, about. whether this deserves to be mourned or. released, about what you actually want. if you're working from a distorted. source. Think about the thing that ended it. Not the surface event, the argument, the. moment, the conversation, the actual. underlying pattern. The pattern that kept reasserting. itself, that you kept hoping would.

change, that never quite did. What was it? Was it that they made you feel an. afterthought? That your needs were inconvenient? That. they were emotionally unavailable in a. way that made you work constantly for. reassurance you should have just been. given? That there was always something more. important than you? The job, the. friends, the general principle of their. independence? Or was it something in. you? A pattern of your own that this. relationship was surfacing? An anxious. attachment style that turned you into.

someone you didn't like? A habit of. losing yourself in someone else until. you couldn't find the edges of where you. ended and they began? Whatever the. pattern was, it was real. It was. consistent. And it did not go away. And. if you got back together tomorrow, it. would still be there. Still consistent, still real, with the added weight of. everything that's happened since. One of. my favorite Buddhist teachings is this. You cannot step in the same river twice.

The river changes and you change as. well. What you're trying to return to doesn't. exist anymore. The relationship of the. highlight reel is not a place you can go. back to. It was barely even a place you. were actually at. Psychologist John. Gottman, who has spent 40 years studying. couples, identified what he calls the. four horsemen of relationship failure. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and. stonewalling. And his research found.

that by the time relationships end, these patterns have usually been present. and consistent for an average of 6 years. before the breakup. 6 years, which means. you probably have evidence, memories, feelings, moments that the relationships. had these patterns for a long time. But those memories are now fuzzy, explained away, rewritten as. misunderstandings or your fault or. understandable given their. circumstances, because your editing. brain has decided the relationship was.

better than it was. I'm not saying it. wasn't real. I'm not saying it didn't. matter. I'm not saying there wasn't love. or beauty or genuine connection. There. probably was. And that's what makes it. harder, not easier, because you're not. mourning a lie. You're mourning. something that had real value and real. limitation simultaneously. And the human. brain finds that complexity almost. impossible to hold. Here's the questions. I want you to ask yourself after a. breakup. Who were you when you were in.

that relationship? Were you more. yourself or less yourself? Were you. growing toward who you want to be or. were you just tolerating, accommodating, shrinking, or performing? Were you. genuinely seen or were you constantly. trying to be seen and often failing? Because your answer to that question. tells you something far more important. than whether they were wonderful. It tells you whether the relationship. was actually good for you. Now, here's what you're actually. grieving. And surprisingly, it's not.

them. It's something much older. This is the part of the episode where I. need you to stay with me because this is. the hardest part and also the most. important. When someone comes to me or a. trusted friend and says, "I can't stop. thinking about my ex. I think I made a. mistake. I think they were the one.". There is almost always something. underneath the grief about the specific. person that doesn't get examined. Because grief is not simple. And. romantic grief is almost never just. about the person in front of you. When.

Radi and I started Juni, our sparkling. adaptogenic tea brand, I quickly. realized that building a business isn't. just about big ideas. It's about the. little things that make people actually. want to buy, come back, and trust what. you do. For us, Shopify has been the. foundation. It's where we built our. storefront, where people experience the. brand, and where we've been able to grow. while truly owning that relationship. with our customers. And something I've. come to really appreciate is Shop Pay. You've probably seen the purple button. at checkout. It makes everything simple,

one click, fast, seamless. As a business. owner, that means fewer abandoned carts. As a customer, it just feels easier and. that trust matters. As more people. discover Juni, it's reassuring to know. that the experience is smooth from start. to finish because when the process feels. effortless, people come back. If you've. ever thought about starting a business, this is your sign. Get started today at. shopify.com/jay. The psychologist and attachment. researcher Sue Johnson has spent her.

career studying what happens in the. nervous system when intimate connection. is threatened or lost. And what she. found is that adult romantic attachment. doesn't operate in isolation. It. operates on the top of the entire. architecture of attachment you've been. building since you were an infant. When. your earliest caregivers were consistent. and responsive, you developed what's. called a secure attachment style. You. learned at the level of the nervous.

system programming before language even. existed that people are safe, that. you're worthy of love, and that. separation is temporary. That you can. let people go and they will come back. Or if they don't, you will survive and. find connection again. When your earliest caregivers were. inconsistent or absent or overwhelming. or emotionally unavailable, you. developed a different program. You might. have anxious attachment, the constant. background hum that love is precarious, that you have to work to maintain it, that the other person's withdrawal is.

evidence that you've done something. wrong. Or avoidant attachment, the learned. belief that needing people is dangerous, that you're better off not needing, that. closeness is a trap. Most people reading. this, most people doing the 3 a.m. spiral, are not just grieving a. relationship. They are re-experiencing a. very old wound. The grief about this. person is a portal into a grief that has. been sitting in the body for much. longer. The anxious attached person.

isn't just missing their ex. They are. re-experiencing every moment in. childhood when love felt conditional, when approval could be earned and then. suddenly withdrawn, when they tried. their very hardest and it still wasn't. enough. The avoidant person who is. pretending to be fine and yet finds. themselves inexplicably devastated isn't. just managing a breakup. They are. brushing against the thing they've spent. their whole life running from.

The terrifying evidence that they needed. someone and then lost them. I'm not. saying this to psychoanalyze you, but to. offer something critical. Compassion for the scale of what you're. actually carrying. Stop hating yourself. for not getting over your ex. You're not. weak because this is so hard. You're not pathetic because you can't. stop thinking about them. You're a. person who formed a deep attachment that. is connected to something much larger. and older and more foundational than.

this one relationship. And when that. attachment is disrupted, the pain. reaches all the way down into that. original wound. As shocking as this. sounds, this is actually good news. because it means the healing you do. right now, if you can do it properly, if. you do it honestly, is not just about getting over this. person. It is about attending to. something that has needed attention for. a very long time. This breakup, as. terrible as it feels, is also an. invitation.

The Zen teacher Pema Chödrön writes. about something she calls. groundlessness, the terrifying. experience of having the floor fall away. from under you, of being in freefall with nothing solid. to grab. And she argues. counter-intuitively, provocatively, that groundlessness is. not a problem to be solved. It is the. most spiritual condition available to a. human being. Because when the ground. falls away, you discover whether you.

were standing on solid ground at all, or. whether you were standing on the. illusion of someone else holding you up. The spiral of romanticizing your ex is. at its core the desperate attempt to. find the floor again, to go back to the. thing that felt like solid ground. But. the floor was never solid, it was a. person, which means it was always going. to move. Stop romanticizing your ex. You're not missing them, you're missing. the version they showed you before you.

saw the full picture. You're not missing. them, you're missing the future you. already planned in your head. You're not. missing them, you're missing feeling chosen. You're not missing them, you're just not ready to let go of the. story yet. But you will be. If you've gone through. a breakup, the work, the real work, is not to find. new ground to stand on. It's to find yourself standing without.

anything to lean on. In the. groundlessness for long enough to. realize you were always capable of. standing alone. There's a Japanese. concept called mono no aware, often. translated as the pathos of things, the. bittersweetness of impermanence. The particular beauty and sadness that. comes from knowing that nothing lasts. The Japanese don't treat impermanence as. a problem, they treat it as the very. thing that gives experience its beauty.

Cherry blossoms are the most revered. symbol in Japanese culture, not despite. the fact that they fall in a week, because of it. What you had was real. What you had could have been beautiful. in parts. And it is gone. And all three of those. things are true simultaneously. And sitting with that truth, all of it, without rewriting the ending, without. fantasy editing it into something it. wasn't, without bargaining with the past. or that person, is not resignation. It is not giving up.

It is the most courageous thing you can. do. The willingness to feel the full beauty. of something that is over. Now, let me tell you how to actually do. that. How to interrupt the spiral. How. to work with your brain instead of being. controlled by it. Because knowing the. science doesn't make it stop hurting. But it does change what you do with the. hurt. Let me be really honest with you. about breakups. There is no version of. getting over someone that doesn't. involve feeling it. There's no cognitive.

hack that bypasses grief. There is no. framework that makes this painless. There are two types of pain. The first. is the pain that moves you, that. transforms you, that carries you. somewhere new. And then, there's the pain that loops. The pain that keeps you exactly where. you are, circling the same drain for. months or years, pretending to be the. depth of feeling when it's actually just. a broken record.

Here's how you get to the pain that. moves you. Tool number one, the no contact rule. And I want to talk to you about why it's. actually biology. You've heard about no contact, but you. may not know the real reason it works. And the real reason is not about playing. games or winning the breakup or making. them miss you. The real reason is. neurological. Every time you check their. social media, you are feeding the. addiction. You are reactivating the. dopamine circuit. You're telling your. neural pathways, this is still relevant,

keep tracking it. Your brain cannot. begin to withdraw. Cannot begin to heal. While you keep administering microdoses. of the drug. No contact is not. punishment. No contact is detox, and it. includes the things you're pretending. don't count. The casual social media. check that you tell yourself is. harmless, the friendly text you're. composing in your head, the driving past. where they live. Every one of these is a. hit. Every one of these restarts the. clock on withdrawal. You're not cutting.

them off because you're cold. You're. cutting off the supply because you're. trying to heal. Those are completely. different things. Stop checking their. feed. They're not coming back because you. watched their story. They're not coming back because you. liked something from 47 weeks ago at. 2:00 a.m. They're not coming back because you. figured out who that person in their. photo is. They're not coming back because you've. refreshed their profile 11 times today. They're not coming back.

But your peace is the second you stop. looking. Tool number two, the full picture. exercise. I want you to do something. Tonight, if you're brave enough, take a. piece of paper, draw a line down the. middle. On the left side, write down the. things you genuinely miss. The real. things, not the imagined perfect. version. The actual things that were. good and real and valuable. On the right. side, write down the things you've been. selectively forgetting. The pattern that. kept repeating. The way you felt bad on. days which were more frequent than your.

highlight reel admits. The specific. moments where you felt unseen or. dismissed or too much or not enough. The days you cried. Write down who you. were on your worst days in that. relationship. Write down the cost. personally, professionally, to your. family. This isn't bitterness. It's not a. revenge. It's accuracy. You're. correcting your memory's editing. You're. forcing your brain to hold the full. picture rather than just a trailer. Tool. number three, interrupt the spiral,

literally. The romanticizing spiral is a. thought pattern, and thought patterns. are neurological pathways, neural. circuits that have been strengthened. through repetition. Every time you. indulge the spiral, you strengthen the. pathway. Every time you interrupt it, you begin to weaken it. It's not. suppression, forcing yourself to not. think about something. Actually, this. increases the frequency of the thought. It's the don't think about a pink. elephant problem. The harder you try not. to think about the pink elephant, you. think about the pink elephant. What.

works instead is what neuroscientists. call pattern interruption. A brief but. genuine redirect of neural attention to. something that requires full cognitive. engagement. When the spiral starts, when. you catch your hand moving toward their. Instagram, when the imaginary. conversation begins, when the maybe we. gave up too soon story starts playing, you do something that requires your. genuine attention. Immediately. Something physical works best. A short. vigorous walk, cold water on your face,

five push-ups, something that activates. your body and breaks the cognitive loop. Then, and this is key, you do not fight. the feeling. You name it. I am. experiencing a craving for this person. Just that. The simple act of naming an emotion, what neuroscientists call affect. labeling, activates the prefrontal. cortex and measurably reduces activity. in the amygdala. You move the feeling. from the reactive part of your brain to. the observing part. You become the.

person watching the spiral, rather than. the person inside it. Tool number four, rebuild identity, not. find yourself. I know find yourself is. tired advice. Bear with me, because this. is different, I promise. One of the most. underappreciated effects of a. significant relationship ending is what. psychologists call self-concept. contraction. In a long or deep relationship, your. identity expands. You become someone who. is part of a we. You have shared.

friends, shared routines, shared. references, shared futures. When the relationship ends, that whole. dimension of identity collapses. You. don't just lose the person, you lose the. version of yourself that existed in. relation to them. The antidote is not to. immediately seek a new relationship to. fill the gap, but to actively rebuild. your own independent self-concept. To. recover your own narrative. This means. what did you stop doing when you were in. that relationship? What did you let.

atrophy? What parts of yourself did you set aside. to make room for the we? Friendships you. let drift, interests you abandoned, ambitions you quietly shelved, the parts. of you that existed before them and are. still there waiting. Go find them. Not. as therapy, not as distraction, as. recovery of self. Every time you do. something that is purely, authentically. yours, something that reflects who you. are independent of any relationship, you. are rebuilding the self-concept that the.

relationship and the breakup have. eroded. You are answering the question, "Who am I without them?" and discovering. that the answer is. more than you remembered. Please stop. making excuses for them in your mind. Don't forget how small they made you. feel. Don't forget they had every chance to. choose you. Don't forget the excuses you made for. them. Don't forget you cried because of this.

person more than once. Don't forget how many times they. disappointed you. and you stayed anyway. Please don't forget your worth. Please don't forget you deserve more. than what they gave you. Please don't. forget you always gave them the benefit. of the doubt. Please don't forget you always saw the. good in them and received the bad. Please don't forget, you bent over. backwards. when they barely moved.

Please don't forget, someone who. deserves you. won't make you question if you're. enough. Tool number five, let the grief. be grief. Don't dress it up as love. This is the hardest one and the most. important. Grief is grief. It needs to. be felt, not managed, not optimized, not. rushed through or bypassed or processed. into insight before it's ready. Grief is. a biological process, the nervous system. integrating a loss, and it takes the.

time it takes. But there is a crucial. difference between grief and. romanticization. Grief moves, comes in waves, intense. then quiet, then intense again, gradually spacing out. It doesn't ask. you to do anything except feel it. It. doesn't require you to figure out. whether they were the one or whether you. made a mistake or whether you should. text them. It just hurts and then hurts less and. then hurts again and eventually, if you. don't keep feeding it, it hurts. differently. Not as a wound but as a scar, as.

evidence of something real that changed. you that you remember. Romanticizing a relationship doesn't. help you move forward. It loops. It. keeps you in a story. It asks you to. stay in the question, what if, maybe, perhaps, if only, because the story. needs you to stay in it to stay alive. The story is not serving your grief. It's serving itself. So let yourself. grieve. Actually grieve. Feel the loss, feel the sadness, feel.

the particular ache of missing someone. who was genuinely important to you. That. grief is true, that grief is healthy, that grief is the right response to. loss. Just don't let the grief become a story. that keeps you from moving through it. Feel it. and then let it move. You've been. telling yourself that you're holding on. to them because of how much you love. them. I want to offer you a different. possibility. You've been holding on to the story of. them because it's safer than the thing.

on the other side of letting go. On the other side of letting go is the. open question of what comes next, the. terrifying freedom of not being defined. by this grief, the vulnerability of. being available to yourself, to life, to. whoever might come next without the. protection of still being someone's ex. On the other side of letting go is the. work of figuring out who you actually. are, not in relation to them, not in. comparison to what you had, just you, standing in your own life, making.

choices from your own center, building. something from where you actually are, rather than from where you wish you. still were. But here's what I know. The love that is coming for you, the. life that is waiting for you, is not located in the past. It is not in. the photos you keep looking back to, or. the songs you keep listening to, or the. imaginary conversations where they. finally understand. It is in front of. you, in the version of yourself that has. been through something real and survived.

it, and learned things you couldn't have. learned any other way. I really hope. that this episode helps you. I hope. you'll pass it on to a friend who may be. going through this right now. Thank you. for trusting me. Remember, I'm always in. your corner, and I'm forever rooting for. you. If you love this episode, you're. going to love my conversation with. Matthew Hussey on how to get over your. ex and find true love in your. relationships. >> Make a list. >> [music]. >> of the things that are truly important.

for you. to find in a partner, and then [music]. be that list.