If I was TRAPPED in a Toxic Relationship THIS is What I Would DO! (Jay Shetty's #1 Tip to LEAVE!)

If you're at the early stages of a. relationship, spot this early. Both men. and women, whoever you are, whichever. role you're playing, spot it early. Don't just fall into the trap of, "Oh, it works for now. Let's just see how it. goes." And I think if your partner can't. see that, you need to see that for. yourself. Take responsibility. The. number one health and wellness podcast, J Shetty. J Shetty, the one, the only J. Shetty. So many women end up settling now, not. because we want to, but because we're.

scared. We're scared of being alone. We're scared of starting over. We're. scared that maybe this is good as we can. get. But that fear is actually then just. keeping us stuck. So how on earth do we. start making choices based on our worth? So we never settle for less than we. deserve. There's three reasons that we. settle. The first is we settle because. the fear of being alone is greater than. the pain of being with the wrong.

person. We. settle because the suffering we. understand feels safer than the. happiness we haven't experienced yet. We. settle. because a part of us believes that. familiarity is truth. And what I mean by. that is when you've experienced. mediocrity for long enough, you start to. believe it's destiny. You start to.

believe that's the life that's been. paved forward for you. But the deepest. reason we. settle, and it's something that you. alluded to, is that we think there's. someone better out there, but we don't. believe they exist for us. And that's. the most interesting part. We think. there's someone better out there, but we. don't believe they exist for us. And. it's because we have such a limited, restricted view of ourselves. I don't.

think it's that we have low self-esteem. or poor self-esteem. That's a part of. it. But the bigger part is we don't. actually. realize what's possible for us, what's. possible by us. And that comes because. we've been told to play small. We've. been told to shrink. We've had people in. our life, relationships, past exes that. have made us believe that if you play. within the confines of these walls,

that's all you're meant to be. And so, I. think when I think about your question, the thing that comes to mind the most to. me. is I want people to start by looking at. their life as if they didn't have any of. those scripts. If you didn't have that. script, if you haven't heard those. lines, where would you start? And in. order to do this, Lisa, what's. interesting is you actually have to. disappear from your life. Now, what I. mean by that is you don't have to run.

away. You don't have to quit your job. You don't have to not hang out with your. friends, but you almost need to. sometimes stop talking. I think the. reason sometimes we feel we have too. many opinions in our life is because we. ask the wrong people the right. questions, right? We ask the right. questions like, "Do you think this. person's right for me? Do you think I. should be in this relationship? Do you. think this is the best I can do? But we. ask them to the wrong people. And it's. really interesting. We ask other people. questions, but we never ask ourselves. those questions. And we outsource and. crowdsource these major decisions in our.

life. And so what I mean by disappearing. is we have to take a step back. We have. to shut our mouth. We have to close off. a little bit and go, am I asking the. right question to the right person or am. I asking the right question to the wrong. person? Okay. So, break that down even. more because it so hit me when you said. we ask people's opinions and then we. take that on. So, like let's just take. families cuz I'm Greek Orthodox and. obviously you're Indian. So, our family. culture is very um dominant if you will. in dictating what we should do and how.

we should show up. So, are you saying. for instance if we ask our parents, hey, what do you think of my partner? They're. going to come from their perspective. based on what they think that you need. in your life. Yes. When you ask someone. a question, we think their answer is a. prediction of the future. But actually, it's a projection of their values. It's. a projection of their insecurities. It's. a projection of what they believed was. possible for them. I'll give you an. example. I remember a friend of mine was. starting to date another girl that we.

knew. And when he asked all our guy. friends what they thought of this girl, they all said, "She's a bit dominant. she's a bit controlling. And it was. really interesting because I was. watching this happen and he responded. and said, "I kind of like it when a. woman's in charge." He said, "I really. like it when a woman takes the lead.". And he goes, "She may take the lead. emotionally, but I take the lead. financially." And he goes, "I'm not. threatened by that. I'm actually really. comfortable about it." But all of my.

other guy friends were really. uncomfortable about that. Now, does this. make them wrong and him right? No. It's. just showing that we all have a. different skew. We have a different. priority. We have a different take. But. all of the guys were like, "No, she's. the worst. Like, I would never date her. Like, don't go out with her." And he's. now happily married to her and they have. a great relationship. Now, if he would. have listened to them, because he. thought, "Wait a minute, there's seven. people here that I trust and respect. telling me that this woman's wrong for. me." He would have made the wrong.

decision. And so I think so many of us. don't actually base our decisions on. even our self-worth or our. self-awareness or our self-nowledge. We. base it on other people's insecurities. And if you're making big decisions based. on other people's little insecurities, you're setting yourself up for a big. failure because you may move away from. someone who's so close to being the. right person for you. Oh god, that's so. true. Okay. So if you assess this is. their belief, this is their opinion, how.

do you then to your words disappear. inwards so that you can start to listen. to your own intuition. And then what if. that intuition is saying I don't want. you to be alone? Cuz that's the second. thing. It's like there's one thing. listening to external, there's another. thing listening to your own. insecurities. Absolutely. You're spot. on. And the reason why you want to get. to a point where you're only hearing. your voice is one voice is easier to. manage than 30 voices, right? Like let's. just be honest, most of us are. surrounded by 30, 40, 50 opinions. So.

yes, when you disappear, move away from. all the opinions. The way I recommend. you do that is doing a 30-day opinions. fast. And if 30 days is too long, try a. 7day opinion fast. So for 7 days, anytime you think about asking someone. for their opinion, whether it's what. should I wear, what should I eat, what. movie should I watch, what TV show. should I watch, for the next seven days, you're not allowed to ask anyone. So. every time you have that inkling of, oh, let me just ask Lisa what should I do.

No, no, no. I'm going to ask myself. first. I'm going to ask myself and I'm. going to have the courage to make the. decision and go out there anyway. So, I'm going to resist that urge to try on. the outfit, take a picture, send it to a. group of friends, try on the other. outfit. No, no, no. I'm just going to. make a decision, and I'm going to see. what it feels like. Let's start with. really lowhanging fruit. Let's not do it. when we're going to like the the biggest. party of the year or whatever it is. Do. it when you're going out for movie. night, picking a dinner, picking a TV.

show to watch. Make it really simple. Do. it for the simple things. When you start. doing it for the simple things, what. happens? You start realizing there was. no right outfit. You start realizing. there was no right pair of earrings. All. you realize is that you start trusting. your own voice inside. You start. trusting your choice. Or you start. realizing when you could have learned a. little bit when you could have got. something better. There was something. that was editable and now you realize. it's all doable. It's not life or death. So you got to start with the small.

stuff. And the reason, Lisa, I say start. with the small stuff is because that. voice, that inner voice that you and me. have has got so quiet, it's got so weak. That's what that inner child, that inner. voice is like inside of us. You can. barely hear it. So that's step one. Step. two, like you said, now you realize it's. actually your voice. You're sitting. there on your own and your voice says, "I hate being alone. I hate being alone. I hate being alone.". There's three things that are important.

when you hear the words, "I hate being. alone." The first is all the studies. show that when we make a decision. because we don't want to be alone, we. pick the wrong person. All the studies. show we stay with the wrong person when. we're scared of being alone. And. thirdly, we settle for less than we. deserve. We have to realize that the. person you're going to pick when you're. alone is almost guaranteed to be the. wrong person. You're going to accept. behavior you never would. You're going.

to settle for language you never would. You're going to accept actions that you. never would because that's where your. decision is being made. Now, that's. logic. But the voice I'm being alone is. not logical. The voice, I'm scared of. being alone is emotional. I think so. many people today who are desperate and. scared of being single don't realize. that that pain of being single is far. less than the pain of being in a. relationship and wanting a divorce or a. breakup. When you're in that position,

you can't get out of it. It's a lot. harder than the pain of will I find. someone. If you've got the courage, and. I really believe everyone gets to this. point in their life, you have to sit. with yourself and ask yourself why. Why. am I scared of being alone? Where did. that come from? Is it because everyone. in my family always told me that. marriage was the pinnacle of life? Is it. because all of my friends are getting. engaged and proposed to? Is it because I. grew up in a big family and I like being. surrounded by people? Is it because I.

don't have someone to go to movies with. or I don't have someone to go out to. brunch with on the weekend? What is it? And then what you do is for each need. that you think a partner is going to. solve, you find another person in your. life who can solve it. So make a list. Brunch, watching movies, going out, vulnerable talk, whatever it is that you. think a partner is going to provide. Go. and find one friend that solves it. And.

all of a sudden, your life starts to. feel full. All of a sudden, you're not. alone anymore because you found. friendship. You found connection. Now. you're in a position of peace. I'll give. you an example actually, Lisa. So I. became match.com's relationship advisor. a year ago and the goal was I wanted to. create a platform where I could create. my philosophy but make it practical. Anyway, the reason I say that is we did. an event for 100 singles in LA just two. three weeks ago. Everyone came with open.

minds. It was it was really interesting. But the reason I brought it up is I was. talking to people about how we have two. mindsets when it comes to dating and. finding love. One is we have a passive. mindset. Oh, it will happen when it. happens. Oh, you know, I'm not really. looking for it. It will just appear. And. secretly, deep down we're really scared. and insecure. But we have this passive. exterior. Well, because if you're. passive, you're not putting yourself out. there. You don't feel rejected. Exactly.

And then the second thing we have, I was. telling this group is that you have a. pressure-filled mindset. So the pressure. is, oh my god, everyone's got engaged. Oh my god, everyone's got married. Oh my. god, everyone's having kids. Oh my god, everyone's dating. Oh my god, everyone's. on vacation. So now it's like. desperation. How will being passive or feeling. pressure ever ever attract. love? Being passive doesn't attract. love. Feeling pressure and desperation.

doesn't attract love. The state that. attracts love is peace. Or at least it. attracts a peaceful love, which is what. I think we all truly want. And so if. you're passive, you'll attract a. neglectful love. If you're desperate, you'll attract a weak love. But if. you're peaceful, you'd attract a. peaceful love. And the reason I say this. is if you were able to come up with all. the reasons you don't want to be alone. and find people to help with all of.

those feelings, you're now in a state of. peace. That's why that's the answer that. works. Dude, that was so good. Okay, so. let's say you've done the work that. you've just laid out and you really. start to go inwards, but there's also. the person that ends up choosing the. wrong person time and time again and. becomes this toxic cycle. And I'm really. curious on why on earth sometimes we go. for the person that isn't right for us. and ignore the person that actually is. right for us. Oh gosh, such a good. question, Lee. Honestly, I can think of. like at least five people I know that.

are in that position. And everything I'm. about to say, I want it to be noted that. I'm saying it from a place of empathy. and compassion because this isn't about. judgment and it isn't about shame and it. isn't about guilt because I think often. we feel that way. We're scared of. actually saying this to our friends. because we're scared they'll judge us. and say, "We told you so." We're scared. of telling our families because they'll. say, "I knew that guy wasn't right for. you." And all of a sudden, you feel. shamed and guilted. And I always say to. people, guilt blocks growth. And shame.

blocks shifts. You're not going to get. from guilt and shame to growth and. shifting. It's just not going to happen. So, the reason we're chasing the wrong. person is because we're running away. from the right person. Right? We've. confused inconsistency with excitement. and we've confused stability with. boredom. We've confused attention with. love and we've confused effort with.

desperation. If someone puts in effort, we see them as being desperate. If. someone puts in time, we see them as. being needy. If someone turns up and. shows up, we think they're the one who. needs us because we've convinced. ourselves that love is chasing someone. rather than wanting someone who never. wants to leave. We've convinced. ourselves that this.

treadmill, this rat race of convincing. someone to stay is what love is. And so. I think the problem is we've created. very unhealthy views of love. And by the. way, I see this all the time at that. event that I was just talking about. One. of the guys, he said to me, he said, "Why is it that when someone's putting. effort, I feel like they're not. attractive?" And I said, "Because you're. thinking about the next 3 to 6 months.

and not thinking about the next 5 to 10. years. I promise you, in 5 to 10 years, you'll want someone who wants to sit. with you and do nothing on the couch. In. five to 10 years, you'll want someone. who texts you every day to check in with. how work is. In five to 10 years, you'll. want someone who when they're traveling. don't forget to call you because they. want to make sure that you've checked. in. But for the first 3 to 6 months, you. kind of want someone who's giving you. two things. You want someone who's.

giving you a feeling of excitement and a. feeling of stress because that's. ultimately what chemistry is, right? Will they give me their number? That's. the stress. The excitement is I got. their number. The stress is, "Oh my god, what should I text them?" The excitement. is, "Oh my god, they just text me back.". The stress is, "Oh my gosh, are they. going to say yes to a second date?" The. excitement is, "Yes, they just said. yes." And so this kind of oscillating. feeling of stress and excitement is what.

creates the spark, is what creates. chemistry. Now, when you've been in a. long-term relationship like you and Tom. have or slightly shorter than me and. Radhi have had, now you don't get stress. and excitement. Most of it just becomes. peace. I don't need to stress whether. Radi's going to be at home tonight cuz I. know she's at home tonight. So, the. problem is we've got to make ourselves. realize that what you want now and. what's right for your future are not the. same thing. And if you want to live in.

this bubble of excitement and stress, that's going to go anyway. So why not. find someone who doesn't give you. stress, who doesn't bring you anxiety, who doesn't make you feel nervous. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't feel. excited to see that person, but there's. a big difference between excitement and. anxiety. God, everything you're saying. really hit me in the sense of I had been. there once upon a time with my. ex-boyfriend. He was very toxic. He was. very verbally abusive. And I literally. when I left him, when I finally found.

the courage day, I was like, I'm gonna. find a guy that likes me, that's nice, that's kind, that's considerate. I found. a guy that was nice, kind, and. considerate before Tom. And I was like, well, this is boring. So, this again, a. really, really interesting thing. happened at this event. I I found out in. my teens that a lot of my guy friends. had a technique they used, and their. technique was to pick on women or notice. something that was a flaw about them. So, every other guy would come up to you. and be like, "Oh, I really liked your. shoes." Or, "Oh, you have a beautiful.

smile." Or, "Oh, I really like your. eyes." And they'd get looked over. And. one guy would come up and he would. say, "There's something off about you. today. I'm not sure. The energy around. you is just, I don't know, it feels like. there's something, but I don't know. You're like holding back." And all of a. sudden, that woman is spending the whole. evening thinking about that guy. This. happened to one of my team members a. couple of months back and someone came. up to her and said that coat you're.

wearing today just feels like you're. scared of opening. up and she was thinking about that guy. the whole night and there were other men. who came and told her positive things. and beautiful things and whatever and. she couldn't think about it and so I. think a lot of men have used that. technique to get attention and it sounds. crazy because when you hear it it. logically doesn't make sense but when. you think about it in the moment And. you're like, "Yeah, of course that makes. sense." Cuz you feel they sense. something about you. You feel they. noticed your energy, but they didn't. They were just trying to find a way. And. that when you were 6 years old that was.

pulling your hair, but this is the. updated version that women experience. today. And so we love that mystery. We. love that feeling of like, oh, if he's. being mean, that's just his way of. flirting with me. But do you want. someone who's mean when they flirt with. you? Like, is that what you want? Is. that how you want to feel? So I don't. want someone who notices my weaknesses. before they notice my greatness. And so. I think it's a matter of priority, but. it does come from childhood and it. continues on. I think a big part of it.

is also we've never seen positive. relationships mirrored for us. Like when. did you grow up? If you could remember. one positive relationship growing up, I. don't think I saw that. And so people. are mirroring what they saw on TV. They're mirroring what they saw at home. They're mirroring what they saw in. magazines. I mean, me as an Indian boy. growing up in London, grew up, if you. ask me who I was attracted to, I was. attracted to blondhaired women with blue. eyes, but I'd never probably even met.

someone with blonde hair and blue eyes, but that's what I was told to fall in. love with. That's what was marketed to. me. And so, I think we underestimate how. much marketing has an impact on us. When. I was going to propose to Radhi, I asked. my brother-in-law how much I should. spend on an engagement ring. and he said. you should spend about two to three. months salary. I was like okay. So I. went and spent two to three months. salary and I'd spoken to a couple of. other men who'd said the same thing. Thankfully I didn't make a lot at that. time so it wasn't that much of a.

expense. I bought the ring proposed. obviously Riley said yes we got married. Now what's really interesting is years. later I looked into that because I was. like how was that so specific? Two to. three months seems like a really thought. through plan. And I spoke to a lot of. other men who all concurred with me that. they spent two to three months salary no. matter how much they made. I started. looking at it online. I found a Debeers. commercial from the 1980s. I'm not. kidding you. You can go and find it on. YouTube. YouTube it right now. Amazing.

I went on to YouTube in the 1980s. There's a commercial which I remember it. being like a silhouette of a man and a. woman and I'm not kidding you at the end. of the commercial it says what better. way to spend 2 to 3 months salary. Oh my. god. It literally says that and I. couldn't believe it. I was like wow. we've all been brainwashed that I. proposed 25 years after that commercial. came out. I've never even seen that. commercial like before that. And I'm.

following this advice and so is everyone. else. And I think it also comes from our. hunter gatherer days that you wanted. someone who could protect you. You. wanted someone who could fight off the. lions and the snakes. You wanted someone. who could build a home from scratch. And. today our modern day version, which. makes no sense, our modern day version. is, well, that's what a bad boy can do. A bad boy can protect me. A bad boy can. do this. A bad boy can do that. But that. doesn't actually add up. And it doesn't. make sense because protection in modern. day is very different to protection in.

ancient days or now it's related to how. much the the man earns. Correct. Well, that I mean well that's a whole another. conversation. I really think. that if you're choosing who you want to. be with simply based on how much they. earn, how tall they are, or what job. they have, you are marrying their. salary, their bank account, and their. job, not them. What does that mean? It. means, yes, you will never run out of.

money, but you may never have enough. love. It may mean that you can boast. about your partner's title, but they may. not be with you at every place you want. them to be at. So, you have to realize. what you're marrying, what you're. committing to. That's what you're. getting in this exchange. And I think. what's really interesting to me is I. meet a lot of uh friends and women who. will say to me, I really want a man. who's successful, but I want him to be. my number one cheerleader. And I'm like, well, have you realized that the person. who's out there making money and being.

successful, they can't be a cheerleader. at the same time because they got to be. on the field. The person on the field. can't be your cheerleader. I'm not. saying that you should choose one over. the other, but I'm saying you got to be. clear about the choices you're making. I. love Radhi. I can't be there with her as. a cheerleader every step of the way, wherever she is. Neither can Radi be. with me. I know a lot of men who say the. same thing like, "Oh, yeah. I want my. wife to be independent, but then I want. her front row seat when I'm winning.". And I'm like, "Well, wait a minute. Which one do you want?" And so, I think.

we're really it's it's almost like we. want everything and in that we get. nothing. The other day I said something. to Tom about menopause and I was like, I. just need this because I'm I'm per. menopause, babe. And he turns around to. me and he's like, I will absolutely. support you, but he's like, look, you. have a group of girlfriends that are. going through the same thing. He's like, "So, no matter how much I try to see. you," he's like, "I just I cannot see it. through your eyes because I'm not a. woman. I don't know what it's like to be. going through this at your age." So, he's like, "I'm doing the research. I'm.

reading the books, but if there is. something that I just cannot grasp, turn, by all means, turn to your friends. for it." Now, the thing also though is. that a lot of women do is almost the. opposite. So, this is what my partner. wants. This is what they love, so let me. sacrifice. In the small t things, it. isn't a big deal. So, it's like, "All. right, fine. I'll go watch soccer with. him, even if I don't like soccer.". That's one thing. But the big ones that. actually end up wrecking a lot of women. is they've sacrificed their entire. lives. They've sacrificed the career for. the family, whether it's kids or the.

husband. And as we get older, we start. to realize, hang on a minute, what about. me? And that maybe compromise that we. felt good with now actually we realize. was a sacrifice that we'll never get. back. How do you differentiate. compromise and sacrifice? And where's. that fine line between one's actually. really healthy and one's like the thing. that will break your relationship? Yeah, there's two words that I like using more. than sacrifice and compromise because I. think they come with so much baggage. And the two words are adjusting and.

abandoning. And so there's a difference. between adjusting yourself and. abandoning yourself. Adjusting yourself. means I'm making room for love. Abandoning means I'm disappearing to. make space for it. Adjusting is saying. I'm happy to be flexible. Abandoning is. saying I'm going to bend so much that. I'll probably break. Adjusting is. growing. I'm actually becoming better.

through this choice. Abandoning is. shrinking. I'm losing myself through. this choice. And adjusting is I'm going. to help you move forward. abandoning is. I'm gonna leave myself behind. And so. what I find a lot of us do is when we. don't know who we are, we abandon. ourselves. And the difference is. adjusting is something two people do. Abandoning is something one person does. Adjusting requires two people to move,

to mold, to pivot. Abandoning just. requires one person to give up. everything. And so what I find the. reason why a lot of people end up in. this place is because they were never. told to have their own dream. They were. never told they were allowed to have. their own mission. They're never told. that they had a purpose. And chances are. they met someone, their partner, who had. a very clear purpose. And they assumed. that my purpose must be to help them. And it kind of felt good in the. beginning because it gave life meaning, right? In the beginning it was all good.

It was like I'm going to do this for. them and they're going out to crush it. and they'll do really well and I'll live. through them and then maybe if I have. children I'll live through them. And so. all of it becomes living life and. meaning through bringing a provider and. a supporter of other people which by the. way if it satisfies you that's. beautiful. It sounds like me and you. have met a lot of people who are not. satisfied by that. And I think the. reason for that is your purpose can't be. a person, right? Your purpose is. something that isn't dependent on.

someone else's existence. It's dependent. on you. That's what it is. It's. something that's connected to you, not. connected to you and that person that. you're serving. So, in the beginning, it. felt good. We got it. We found meaning. As time went on, you started to realize. that person was living their dreams and. you were just watching them. And no. matter how good you felt watching that. person live their dreams, you want to. live your dreams, too. Now you have two. choices. A lot of us will blame it on. that person. And when you blame it on.

that person, chances are you've heard. these words before. They'll say, "Well, I didn't ask you to. I didn't tell you. to." And that really hurts. Yes. Because. you've just given up so much. And you're. like, "Wait a minute. You didn't ask me. to, but you never told me to stop. You. never told me not to. You gladly took it. when I did it for you. So, wait a. minute. Where are we now?" Now, that. fractures the relationship. It's one of. the biggest reasons people will break. up, get divorced, relationship falls. apart, they lose connection. So what do.

we do in that? A mature person would. never have said, "Well, I never asked. you to." A mature person will say, "Well, what's your dream?" The challenge. is that person didn't even have the. foresight to understand that you were. going to feel this way. They just got. excited that your life looked like it. had meaning and they were like, "Great. This helps. It works. It's supporting. all of us. We're good." So, it's not. that they're a bad person. It's just. that they didn't really think that far. ahead because chances are they've never. seen someone think that far ahead and.

their response if I never asked you to. You can kind of understand why they. would say that as a protective mechanism. because it feels right now, oh my god, is it all my fault that your life hasn't. been what you hoped it would be. Well, that's a big burden for a partner to. take on. So, to protect yourself, you. make it was that was your decision, which actually is true. It is true, but. it's a really harsh truth. Yes. Because. you've encouraged them. You've applauded. them. Every time they've made you, and. look, I'm speaking for myself with me. and Tom, right? It was like every time I. would cook dinner and clean his clothes,

he was always like, you're the best. Greek wife ever. And then eventually. after 8 years, I'm like, I don't want to. cook and clean for you anymore. But he. actually never asked me to in the first. place. Yeah. Yeah. And that and that's. that like weird space we all end up in. where we take on a role because we get. validation in the beginning and we. appreciate and like that and then we run. out of that role. We don't want to play. that role anymore by the way which is. also natural. And the problem is when we. don't want to play that role anymore. that other person got so used to us. playing that role that they're now also.

going through a grief and we're going. through a grief. They're going through a. grief of our former self that they were. in love with and we're going through a. grief of our former self. So, we're both. missing a person who doesn't exist. anymore. They're missing the person we. used to be. We're missing the person we. used to be, but we know we want to be a. different person. And they're trying to. figure out whether they're going to like. this different person. So, there's a lot. at play here. What we want to do is if. you're at the early stages of a. relationship, spot this early. Both men. and women, whoever you are, whichever.

role you're playing, spot it early. Don't just fall into the trap of, "Oh, it works for now. Let's just see how it. goes." And I think if your partner can't. see that, you need to see that for. yourself. Take. responsibility. I think it genuinely. comes down to looking back at you taking. control, accountability, and power of. your life and what you're going to do. with that time and energy. now like you. just don't want anything you said to. sound like you're blaming that other. person and shifting the accountability.

onto them because like you said it's. going to feel weighty for them and. they're going to feel like oh god I. don't want to take on that weight I feel. too much pressure now I'm going to throw. it back on you and that's what we end up. doing so I think it's fine to say hey. I've been doing this for the last 10. years it's not who I want to be anymore. and I understand that that adjustment is. going to make changes for you I'd love. to discuss those changes and now you're. talking about the changes and the edits. not talking about that person and you. rather than saying oh you won all the. awards you wanted to where am I when you.

make it about you and them all of a. sudden you're not talking about what. it's actually about which is here's how. things are going to change how is this. going to affect you what can we do in. the middle period to make the transition. more effective it's change management. not the person management and I think. the challenge is we make it about that. person and what they should have done. what they could have done the time we've. lost the energy we've invested, what we. didn't get out of it. And I get it, that. is the emotional layer that needs to be.

explored, but that's not going to keep. that person in your life in a healthy. way. It's going to create friction. And. sadly, we don't have many good examples. of people who've been through that. transition because people turn it into a. blame game. Yeah. I made sure that I. didn't blame Tom. And I needed to make. sure it was true before I said it. But. the truth was he didn't force me. The. truth is I never said I was unhappy. like all of these things that I had to. be very honest about of where my um my. actions actually contributed to where I. was. Um I actually interviewed recently. a guy called Jefferson Fischer and he Oh.

yeah, I like Jefferson. So good. Okay. So he even said when you're having a. tough conversation instead of saying I. want to talk to you, right? That makes. it very personal. You you say the room. So you're saying I want this room to be. a safe space where I can be transparent. and honest. Are you comfortable with. that? And so you're saying it's the room. instead of them. You're then getting. their buy in to say yes. And you're then. saying, um, I don't need you to fix it. I need this to be a place where you can. listen. And so you're telling them what. to expect. So learning the language to.

communicate with your partner so you. don't trigger them so that you both can. have an emotionally sober conversation, I think, ends up being the most fruitful. thing that we can do. I always say to. people, use us and we, not you and me. So, I've had couples that I've worked. with write out what they want to say, and all of it is filled with you and me. You didn't do this. It made me feel like. this. You always do this. You never. think about me. So, it's you and me. You.

and me, you and me. And I've asked them. to change every you and me to us and we. Why? Because now we're a team. If I say, "Let's think about how we can get to. where we want to be. Let's think about. us at the center of this conversation. Let's think about how to protect us. Now, I'm not saying you need to be. thinking about how to protect me. You. should be thinking about how to make me. happy. Well, then we're not a team. anymore. Now, I'm saying it's all your.

responsibility. It's all your. accountability and it's all on you. And. by the way, I'm sitting over here. feeling hurt, dejected, and down. Whereas now, when I say, is this what we. both want? Is this the kind of. relationship that we both want to have? Do we want to create a space where both. of us can grow? All of a sudden, it's. like, yes, we're doing this together. Yes, we're a team. Yes, we're. collaborating. And I think too many. people are competing for power rather. than collaborating to create power.

together. And that competition with your. partner is the worst place to be because. now you're trying to be right, not kind. Now you're trying to win, not win. together. Now when you win, it means. they lose. I always say this to people. If you win an argument, that means your. partner lost. You both lost. If you win. and they lose, you lose. If they win and. you lose, you lose. You either win. together or lose together because you're. together. So us and we, not you and me,

solves that. And I recommend people. write out what they're about to text, what they're about to say to their. partner. And if you changed every you. and me to us and we, it will transform. the energy of the conversation. That's. so good. That's so simple and so good. And one other thing that you just. mentioned that was almost subtlety. It. takes out the absolute of like you never. do this for me. Because I think that. when you're trying to make an effort and. then someone says you don't ever, it's. kind of like, well, why am I even. bothering? And so if you say we, there.

was no absolutes in the we. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. It's there's two words. you want to take out of every argument. Always and never. Because no one always. does something and no one never does. something. We always have so much more. gray and so much more in between. But. we're so tempted to just say, "You never. do anything for me or you always forget. to do the dishes." And those statements. make that person feel that you've. invalidated any time that they actually.

followed through. Chances are they have. followed through, but we're invalidating. it. Now, what are we arguing about? We're arguing about the mathematical. accuracy of how often I've washed the. dishes versus when I haven't. Which was. not the conversation. Now, everyone's. like, "All right, tell me one. Tell me. one. Prove me one." And then they're. like, "Yeah, I did it last Thursday and. the Thursday before and the last. Friday." And now we're arguing about. mathematical accuracy. And I think the. point is when we're having a. disagreement, we're never really arguing.

about the disagreement. Yeah. arguing. about affection. We're arguing about. power. We're arguing about attention, love, validation. That's what we're. arguing about. But now we think we're. arguing about the dishes. We think we're. arguing about the birthday. That's not. what we're arguing about. And so the. more we can actually focus on what we're. actually talking about, which is what we. were just talking about. Let's talk. about the transition. We're not arguing. about whether you achieved your dreams. and I didn't. We're talking about how. does this change now? And that's what we.

need to win for. Yeah. Yeah. God, that's. so good. Um, okay. So, you mentioned. earlier about how sometimes we can uh. misunderstand or miscommunicate and we. think one thing is one thing, but. actually it's the other. So, the. compromise versus the sacrifice in your. words and abandoning. Yeah. Amazing. Um, I actually have a few more cuz I was. like, okay, what are the things that get. us trapped in a relationship? Going back. to like the settling thing and why we. either choose the wrong person or we end. up staying in a relationship that isn't. right. And there were a few things that. I think that we get confused. So, I've. written a few down love to talk about.

So, actually, let's start with love and. lust. So, how would you look at the. difference between love and lust? And. how, if someone's listening right now, can they decipher which one they're in? The difference between love and lust is. that lust is that excitement, exhilaration of. connection. Love is how you handle. disconnection. If there's only lust, then when there's an argument or a. disagreement, you don't know how to get. on the same page. That's why we call it. makeup sex or breakup sex because you.

resort to an activity that's fueled by. passion to solve a problem that can't be. healed by it. Right? If you've had a. disconnection or if you've had a problem. or if there's a challenge and you don't. like the way the person behaves with. you, then there's no love. Because. that's what you're looking for. You're. looking for can someone bring love to a. place where there isn't any or where. we're lacking it or where we've run out. of it or where we've lost it. That's.

what love is. Love is something that. exists within both of you. And when. you're disagreeing, you're distant. If. there's love, you'll become closer. through it. If there isn't love, you. push yourelves away through it. So, when. I meet a new couple, I like to ask them, "What was the last disagreement you. have? And do you like the way your. partner and you came to a conclusion or. came to a solution? It's how we deal. with the tough stuff that makes all the. difference. That's so good. What's. interesting, I've been with someone for. 25 years. We've never once had makeup.

sex. I'm just thinking about that. That's a good thing. That shows why you. go. Yeah. That's almost like actually. because once we've like kind of come to. an agreement, I'm still so raw and so I. just need to be cuddled. I need. sweetness. Like I the last thing I want. is like crazy sex. Yeah. So that's. fascinating. Never the studies show, right, that the reason why sex releases. chemicals that makes you forget the. argument. So it's not even like you. actually feel better, you just think you. feel better. And so you actually never.

came to a solution. And that's why it's. not the healthiest way to solve a. problem. Because if you're relying on. lust to solve the problem, then all. you're left with is lust. It's not love. That's so true. But yet my ex who was. very toxic, we had a lot of makeup sex. and breakup sex. Yeah. Exactly. All. right. So um the difference between. comfortable or complacent. Have you. settled into a healthy rhythm or are you. stuck in an unfulfilling routine? I think comfortable is something you. feel together and complacent is.

something one person feels. So if you. can both agree. I love the way we're. living. We love our life. I love the. vacations we go on. I love our friends. I love what we're creating. There's a. comfort in that. And that's what we're. all looking for. We're looking for. someone that we can come home to and. cozy up with. We're looking for someone. who feels like a warm cup of coffee. that's comfortable, right? We want that. in a partner. But if one person can't. agree to that, then that person feels.

the other person's being complacent. Now, what happens is people are scared. to accept that they're being complacent. because it means like they're not. showing up enough or doing enough. It's. a very negative word. It's a very. negative word. But the point is, you've. got to listen to your partner. If your. partner's genuinely saying, "Hey, I. don't think we're comfortable. I think. we're complacent." There's no moments to. look forward to anymore. And that's what. complacency is. I think comfort. is comfort is stable excitement, right?

It's like we feel a sense of there's. still things to look forward to. We come. back down. There's this beautiful. harmonic movement of a wave. There's. like a comfort in looking at the ocean. Even though it's constantly moving, it's. still moving. is doing his thing. Complacency is almost just like there's. no rhythm. There's only routine. We're. kind of both robots performing the same. roles, the same tasks, the same things. There's no spontaneity. There's no. change. There's no shift. And I think it.

really does take one person to have the. courage to say it. And my hope is that. when the other person hears it again, you as a team come to a conclusion of. how to get out of it. It's still a. together thing to solve even if it's a. one person to raise. This is the biggest. thing. If you want this relationship to. work, you've got to help your partner. help themselves, help your relationship, and you help them. And I think the. challenge we have is a lot of us feel. like we're the only one doing it. And if.

you feel you're the only one doing it, there's two things you need to do. The. first thing you need to do is something. I call a relationship audit because this. has helped me so many times. A lot of us. think relationships are who makes the. money, who takes care of the house. We. look at it through two things, but. relationships are physical. Who's taking. care of the house? The physical. surroundings, financial, who is making. the money, taking care of the finances. It's mental. Who's setting the mindset.

of this relationship? It's emotional. Who's setting the nurturing of this. relationship? And it's spiritual. Who's. setting the faith or the spiritual. direction of this relationship? Every. time I've thought about it this way, I've realized me and Radhi are even. leaders. Oh, and I think that gives me a. sense of strength and. confidence. If we only look at it. through two things, which is what we do, finance and home, you might feel like.

you do everything. And it's really. important on us for broaden the view. Now, if you look at it as those five. metrics and you're doing four out of the. five, that person's complacent. It's. it's just there. It's true. It's really. really it's hard. And especially if. you're dissatisfied. If you're. satisfied, it's fine. I think we have to. zoom out when you're feeling that way. and really assess it because too many. people will say, "I do everything." So, at the beginning of my relationship, I. used to feel I did everything. not to. realize that Radhi set the mental mood. and the emotional heart of the whole.

relationship and physically takes care. of everything. Like the fridge always. has food in it and I've never ordered. anything in my entire life and it's. always stocked with the best goodies and. everything else. And spiritually Radi. runs the relationship. So actually now. I'm realizing she's doing four out of. interesting cuz in your head though you. were like well hang on I'm working. I'm. doing this and it's the doing. It's the. doing that we put emphasis on. Yeah. But. what about the energy? Like Radi is like. wakes up and is doing a little dance in. the kitchen. I come home tired and.

moping and moody and she's smiling and. giving me a hug. We don't value those. things. But those things are huge. But. we don't value them because they don't. show up on the spreadsheet. Yeah. They. don't show up on the bank balance. So. you don't value those things. And I. think a lot of us think we overdo. But. actually, if you looked at it on the. actual spectrum of the five things I've. just said, you'd realize we're actually. pretty equal. So, that's one thing. And. the second thing I'd say is that if you. do that exercise and then you really. feel like you are the one doing.

everything, then it may be time to. leave. It may be time to say, "I'm not. accepting this anymore. It may be time. to say, I I can't keep doing all of this. anymore, and I deserve better than. this." And that's okay, too. I'm such a. data person as well that I love that you. just broke it down out of like four and. like it's like a checklist. Yeah, it is. a checklist. Yeah, make it because we. all have a score card anyway, but we. only mark ourselves on the score card. And it's all emotional as well. It's all. emotional. And you never give the other. person a point. So if you wash the dish,

right, so it's like you wash this dish. Yeah, but I told you to wash the dishes. and I put the soap out. Exactly. It's. like you're always counting everything. you do right. That's what we do. We. count everything we do right and we. count everything our partner does wrong. You will never miss something that you. got right. and you will never miss. something your partner got wrong. But. what does that create? It creates. distant disconnection and. dissatisfaction. Whereas when you zoom. out and you start counting every little. thing your partner gets right and you. start to notice the things you get right.

and wrong, all of a sudden you start to. recognize we're probably more equal than. we believe we are. And I think more. people would win from that. I've I've. gained so much from that exercise. That's so good. I love it. I'm gonna. definitely take that one. All right. Got. a few more for you. All right. Difference between intuition or. insecurity. How to tell if your gut is. warning you or if past trauma is. clouding your judgment. The difference. between intuition and. insecurity is insecurity is based on the.

past and intuition is based on the. present. You don't want a bad past. relationship to impact your notes on the. relationship you're in today, but you. want to check it. So, if you have an. insecurity, you should check it. If you. have an intuition, you should check it. And I think the problem is we're trying. to make decisions based on intuition or. insecurity when actually what we should. be doing is asking questions. So, there's two questions I believe that. everyone should ask early as possible in.

a relationship. The first is how do you. show love? That person may say to you, I show love. by always showing up on time. I show. love by always picking up the phone. I. show love by always responding to a text. message. And all of a sudden you realize. that you were just insecure about. whether they loved you or not because. you were measuring whether they loved. you based on how your ex loved you. rather than asking them how do they show.

love because you didn't see them turning. up on time as love. You saw it as being. timely. You didn't see them picking up. the phone as love. You saw that as being. available. You didn't see them as. texting back as being love. You saw them. as being responsive. But that was love. through being available, responsive. because that's how they see love. And. you should tell that person how you see. love. Now you take away insecurities. because now I don't have to guess. whether a text or a lack of one is love. or not because the person's told me how. they show love. And the second question.

is what do you need when you're. sad? What do you need when you're having. a bad day? What would you like me to do? Because the truth is we're all guessing. It's where our intuition fails us. sometimes. We're thinking, "What do I. need on a bad day?" And we're trying to. give it to that person. And what's. really interesting is we think people. love the way we do. And when they don't, we feel hurt. Yeah. So, we feel, well, if I was stuck or having a bad day, I.

know I'd want a hug. I know I'd want a. really nice message. I know I'd want you. to turn up. And so, we do that to that. person, and that person goes, "Wait, wait, wait. This is too much. I didn't. need this." And we think, "Oh, well, that person doesn't love me. They don't. appreciate me." but actually we never. checked in with them. And so to me, intuition and insecurity are all about. checking. And these are my two favorite. questions. That's so good. Okay, let me. give a scenario for you then and I want. you to let me know how you navigate it. So, let's assume you're uh on a date and. you really like them and you're like, "Oh my god, we have this connection.

Maybe they're the one and my gut is. telling me this is the one, Jay.". So, how do you know in that moment that. your gut is telling you that that person. is the right person or it's just the. toxic pattern that you've had from. childhood that says if someone acts like. this, it means love. You don't know in. that moment. Your gut's lying to you. It's just plain and simple. It's very. unrealistic for anyone to know in the.

first month of dating whether someone is. the one or one of the people they'll be. with. Now that person may evolve into. the one but you can't truly guarantee. you knew it in that moment. You may say. that in hindsight and a lot of people. will be like and by the way me and Radi. say that too. I felt like I knew that. when by the way when I met Radi I knew. in the first week or the first couple of. weeks that she was the one. I would have. said that then. Now, when I look back on. that statement, I realize how crazy that. was because I didn't even know what was. expected of me. What's been expected of.

me in the last 12 years has made me. realize she's the one every day. I could. never have known that on our wedding. day. And by the way, even if your. intuition turns out to be right, that's. beautiful. But let's not put that out. there as advice. That's what I'm trying. to get to. And so, I always say to. people that you will fall in love with. three people in your life. The first is. a firework. It lights up the sky. It's a big bang, but it fades very, very quickly. And we. all fall in love with that person.

There's a second person you'll fall in. love with, which is the candle. It burns. not as bright. It's a bit calmer. It. burns longer, but you might even put it. out yourself because it gets boring. And. then the third person is the mirror. And. the mirror compassionately holds up to. you a reflection of yourself. shows you. all your flaws, your weaknesses. And the. problem is a lot of us can't handle. that. We think the mirror is broken. because we don't want to see that. And. so we push that away. And that's usually.

the one the one's usually the person who. can hold up the mirror to you in a. compassionate and non-judgmental way. So. you'll have people who hold up the. mirror to you, but they'll do it by. going, "Look at who you are. Don't you. see it?" That's not the one. You'll have. people who hold up the mirror to you, but it's a broken mirror because they're. just projecting their brokenness onto. you. And that's not the one. The one is. the person who compassionately, non-judgmentally, with love and. empathetically holds up a mirror to you.

and allows you to hold up a mirror to. them. And I don't believe that's one. person that's out there. It's the person. that you both do it for. It has to be a. mutual thing. And so I think we need to. lose this idea of this destined, fated, perfect person, fully formed, fully. created that exists and go who's willing. to work for me and who am I willing to. work for? Who's willing to learn with me. and who am I willing to learn for? Who's. willing to grow for me and who am I.

willing to grow for? And you won't know. that in the first month. You have no. idea in the first month whether. someone's willing to grow for you. Whether someone's willing to learn for. you, whether someone's willing to change. for you. Go through the challenges. Grow. through the challenges. Make mistakes. See how you respond and live through. that. And so, you know someone loves you. not when you have a great first date, but when you have a great first fight. Like you know someone loves you not when. they surprise you on your birthday but.

when they can deal with you having a. surprising or challenging emotion. You. know someone loves you not when you have. an amazing vacation together but when. you figured out how to be okay when you. didn't have one. Like that's how you. learned that you loved each other. When. I look at me and Radhi, I look at the. fact that when we moved country, when I. lost my jobs, when I was transitioning, like when we're figuring stuff out, that's what proves to me that she's the. one. Not the amazing wedding we had and. not the amazing early dates we had. Like.

they don't now prove to me that we love. each other. So, I don't think you get to. see that for a long time. And it is that. investment. Uh, and there was a study. that I read that showed that to make. someone an acquaintance, a casual. acquaintance in your life, takes 40. hours. To consider someone a friend in. your life, you have to spend a 100. hours. And to consider someone a good. friend in your life, you have to spend. 200. hours. If you haven't spent 200 hours.

together yet, you really don't know this. person. And I think that's why as adults. it's so hard to find adult friends and. why it's so hard to date because it's. very unlikely that as an adult you have. 200 hours to get to know someone. But. that's true and I I feel that resonates. when I think about anyone I feel knows. me deeply and that I know deeply spent. 200 hours with them in your first month. of dating. What do you know about this. person? You don't know about their. relationship with their parents. You. don't know about their relationship with. their siblings. You don't know about.

their relationship with their boss. You. don't know about their relationship with. you in any other circumstance apart from. on this interview like date, you. actually know very little about this. person. And so until you've actually. lived life and experienced different. facets of their life, let's not start. building a life with someone that we. don't know anything about their life. That's so true. And I don't know if you. remember this, but there was something. that you taught me that stuck with me to. this day. So it was about maybe two. years ago. I can't remember what trip we. were on together. For everyone at home, we've been on many trips together. And.

someone had really hurt me emotionally. and had broken my trust. And I remember. turning to you and I was like, Jay, I. didn't see it coming. I was like, I. trusted them and they backstabbed me. And I remember you looking at me and. you're like, okay, so did you have them. earn your trust? And my answer was no. And I remember you saying that this was. years ago. And still to this day, whenever I go to, oh my god, I trust. them. The very next thing is you in my. head saying, hang on, but have they. earned it? And so I think in those.

moments in that first month of dating, we go off our emotions and the chem. And I'm so glad you remembered that and. it it resonated with you. Like I'm not. saying you're sitting there either. judging them as well and going, "Oh, wait a minute. Are they trustworthy?". Like it's not like it's not either or. And then the reason I say that is. because I think we give away trust too. easily. If you've not seen someone in. multiple moods and when you're in. multiple moods, how can you trust them? Because you don't know how they're going.

to respond to you being a certain way. So, you can't trust them in that. specific experience. And so, your trust. is very broad and overarching. And I. think at one point, we just have to stop. breaking our own heart because we don't. fall in love with the person, we fall in. love with who we expect them to be. We. don't fall in love with the person that. they are. We fall in love with the. potential that we see for them. We don't. fall in love with.

the acts that they show us. We fall in. love with the dreams that we hope. they're going to help us build. And so. our constant reality is being lived in. our head. And now you're not living in. reality. You're living in your mind. And. then that person doesn't live up to the. picture in your mind. and they're living. in the real world and now they hurt you. And so we break our own hearts because. we don't allow that person to earn our. trust. We break our own hearts because.

we don't let them prove themselves in. different experiences and scenarios. And. we break our own heart because we. imagined who they were before they. showed us they were. And so we're. constantly we're just constantly. breaking our own hearts because you just. don't know how someone's going to do. something until you see them do it. So. where's that line between the values. that someone has versus what they say? Cuz actually let's go back to. relationships. Yeah. And how you cannot. fix something. In fact, J Shady quote.

We think we have to fix people, but we. have to love them while they fix. themselves. So how often do we try to? What's why is that detrimental? And why. do we keep doing it? Yeah. Why do we. keep trying to fix people? I think the. first thing you have to understand is. you can't fix anyone, right? You can't. fix someone else, but you can break. yourself in the process. You can't fix. someone else, but you can waste a lot of. years believing that you can. And you. can't fix anyone, but you can convince.

yourself that it's your responsibility. So, I think those are the three things. we do. We convince ourselves it's our. responsibility. We convince oursel it's. only a matter of time. and we convince. ourel I'm ready to do anything it takes. to fix them because guess what we. believe if we fight hard enough I can. make the wrong person the right. person why do we do it number one it. validates us it gives our life meaning. and value we have a role to play and we. believe we have a target to hit if we.

can successfully make this person fixed. we did something amazing it's actually. about us the second reason is we don't. want to be with a loser by what we think. is a loser. We don't want to be with. someone because that now brings down our. value. We now feel, well, if I'm with. someone who doesn't sort themselves out, then everyone else is going to think. that I have no value. So now, again, we're thinking about our value. Again, we're actually not thinking about them. And third, if we're truly compassionate. and altruistic and really caring about. them, we genuinely see their potential.

You see their potential and you're. thinking they could just be amazing. They could be phenomenal. And maybe. there is a part of you that does it from. a deep sense of care because you can see. how amazing they are. But the reason you. can't fix them is because maybe that's. not what they want to fix. Maybe that's. not how they see they're broken. Maybe. that's not the part of themselves they. want to mend. The potential you see. isn't the potential they see. They maybe. don't even want that life. I remember.

saying that to Radi for so long where it. was like I didn't want her to mirror her. life off of anything I wanted to do. I. was like, I want you to do exactly what. you want to do. And Radhi loved. learning. So she did courses and she did. Ayurveda and she did yoga teacher. training. She was doing all this. education cuz she was so happy and. excited about it. She did a book cuz she. was excited about it. She launched the. podcast because she was excited about. learning. And I've had so many people. say to me like, "I wish he was more. ambitious." And I'm like, "Well, then go. and find someone more ambitious because.

chances are he doesn't want to be. ambitious. He's showing you every day. that he doesn't want to be ambitious. And you think because you're ambitious, you can make him ambitious. No, you. can't. You can make him try harder for a. month, but he's going to go back to. being that same person. And he probably. just feels worse about it. Exactly. He's. now carrying the guilt and now he's. insecure wondering if you're going to. leave him because he actually thinks. that you might because you're not. satisfied with him. Every time he meets. an ambitious man, he's now judging. himself and measuring himself up against. that person. But he doesn't want to be.

that. He has different values. And so. going back to a point we made. earlier, you getting someone to value. what you value isn't love. If I convince. you to value what I value, that isn't. love. Love is I love what you value. because it makes you who you are. I've. always said that Radi's number one value. in life is family. It's always the. number one value. My number one value in. life is purpose. I will choose purpose. over a family event. Radhi will choose.

family over a purpose event for her. Neither's right or wrong. It's just who. we are. And I love that for her. If she. would choose to go and spend time with. her family over an event that I had to. go to, I would love that for her. Why? It makes her the person I love. The. reason she's so adorable and lovable and. everything is because of her value. And. why would she be happy for me to choose. purpose over the family event? Because. she knows that's what makes me lovable. the man that she loves, the man that she.

admires, the man that she respects is. that man who makes that choice. So you. trying to change your partner's values. are going to make them less of the. person you love and more of the person. you don't love. You're actually going to. take away from them their spark and. their joy and their heart and their. value and everything and you're actually. going to become their kryptonite and. shrink them because you're taking away. what they value. Okay. So what if you're. with somebody? So you've got with Radi,

you know, she values family. That's you. see it's beautiful. You see how that. shows up. What sometimes happens over. time though is their value starts to. change and they're now no longer that. person that got the joy from let's say. the family. In those moments, I think we. try to fix that person to come back to. the person that we first met that we. first fell in love with. And going back. to the growth thing where it's like you. can be on different paths sometimes. I. think someone in a relationship dynamic, one partner is like, "Hang on a minute. I fell in love with this person. This is.

the person I may be married. This is the. person that I was with and now over time. you've changed." How do you start to. navigate that without the person feeling. bad about that change? So, Rodi met you. You just come out of uh monkhood. I'm. not sure what you would call it, but. it's monkhood. Um, so you just come out. of monkhood and you're coaching, you're. teaching, she knows who you are, you're. all spiritual. Let's say 10 years later, you're just an ass. You don't care about. work. You don't really care about. people. And now she's like, "Hang on a.

minute. You're not the person I fell in. love with." Yeah, absolutely. There's. three things. The first. is you have to check whether that person. wants to change and how they want to. change and who they want to be. And that. will take time because it will take time. for them to open up and admit because. let's say they want to be that person. they were before. That's hard for them. to admit because it feels really far for. them and they feel it's quite.

impossible. So in the beginning they may. say I don't want to talk about it. In. the beginning, they may say, "No, I love. who I am." In the beginning, they may. say, "No, I'm happy with how life's. going." But those are just defense. mechanisms to not really go there. because they find it an unimaginable. task to become that person again. So, you have to be patient and check and. that will take time. The second thing. after checking and seeing if they're. even ready for change, if they are, is.

are you. open to being the person that is now. required of you while they change? Are you willing to be patient? Are you. willing to shift? Are you willing to. adjust in order to be patient now that. you know how they're changing and where. they're growing and going? It's all about you. It's not about them. It's about are you okay with that? And. then the third is are you willing to. fall in love with them again? Are you. willing to fall in love with the same.

person again now that they're a. different person or are you not? So, it's all about you. We think it's about. them. I'll give you a really practical. example. I was working with someone. years ago now and they had discovered. that their partner was addicted to. porn and it was really hurtful to them. because they didn't want to be in a. partnership where the other person had. this addiction. So their first reaction. was this has to end. I can't be with.

this person. I thought they were the. one. I can't believe it. When they sat themselves down and. finally got the partner to open up, who. by the way was ashamed, guilty, dealing. with all of their stress around this. themselves, the partner finally. said, "I don't want to have this. addiction either. I really want to work. on it." So now it moved to question. number two. After the checking and. knowing, the question was, and I asked. them this question, are you willing to. be patient? Are you willing to realize.

that your partner will have days where. they will fall back into their. addiction? Are you willing to tolerate. the idea that you may feel betrayed? Are. you willing to tolerate the memories. you'll have of the pictures they have on. their phone? Because none of that's. going away. So, it's not about whether. you can forgive them. It's about whether. you can tolerate your memories, your. pain, and your stress that keeps coming. back every time you look at them. Are. you willing to change and adjust because.

now you know where they want to go? And. are you willing to go at their timeline, not yours? It's your question. That. person at that time said, "Yes, I'm. going to wait. I believe in them and I'm. going to. wait." And then the third step is where. they're willing to fall in love with the. same person who's now a different. person. That couple's been together for. as long as I've known them now. Wow. And. it was a long process. It wasn't easy. If someone's an addict, it's going to. take a long time. By the way, the person. who was doing the waiting, they probably.

lost years of their life while they were. supporting that person as well. But they. wanted to do that. They opted in for. that life. And I don't think someone. should be shamed or guilted for staying. or leaving based on where they are in. their life because you have to live. based on your values. And so, yes, you. may end up realizing that 10 years down. the line, you're married to someone who. has a different set of values. And let's. paint the opposite picture. They like. where their life's going. They don't. want to change. They don't want to go. back to who they were. Sadly, you have.

to ask yourself the same question two. and. three. Do I want to change with this. change? Do I even have to change? Or. actually, can I just be the same? And. can I fall in love with this person. again now that they're a different. person? And if you can't, sadly, that is. how things end. But you shouldn't force. yourself to keep looking for the person. they once were in the person they are. today because you're going to spend your. whole life searching for someone who's.

disappeared or doesn't exist anymore and. you're going to keep hoping and waiting. for that person to come back and people. waste their whole life doing that when. that person left a long time. ago. That's such a great breakdown. And. you I love how you think. Like I really. love how you think because every time. I'm like, "Okay, he's going to answer it. like this." You never do like the idea. of like asking yourself those questions. is so important like a thousand%. Cuz. I'm it's on you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. think but I'm look I started Women of. Impact channel so that women never feel.

like they give their power away again. And where are the moments where we end. up losing that control or losing our. power and we never find it again? We. spend the rest of our lives feeling. weak, unable to get back up. metaphorically. And so I love the. personal ownership. I love it because. then no one can impact it except for me. And so even the way you broke it down, I. think for me, I would have given my. power away to that person. How long are. you going to take? When are you going to. do it by? I thought you said you were. going to do this, but you didn't just do. that. I was just about to say that all.

of those questions are unanswerable. All of those questions have no answer. If I asked you the question to think. about like, well, how long do you think. it's going to take for you to figure out. this addiction? That person doesn't have. a clue. Yeah. It's your timeline. And. when you don't want to make it about. your timeline, you want to make it about. that person. What you're doing is you're. actually putting pressure on them to. change next week. I always say to. someone, I'm like, it's going to take. someone like seven years to change. Like, if you really look at human. change, it takes three to seven years. for someone to actually change. So,

you're committing to a long period of. time if you're going to commit to. change. And that's if someone's actually. doing the work, putting in the time, putting in the energy. Now, what ends up. happening is people usually put in the. energy, they then fall back. And when. you're waiting for them to change, you're like, "Wait a minute. last month. you were doing everything right, what's. going on right now and now what you're. doing is creating stress for yourself. and them. If you're not willing to wait. 3 to 10 years, chances are it's not. going to happen in 3 months depending on. what the change is. But I think a lot of. us want things to happen in months that.

take years. And it's an unanswerable. question because no one knows. And by. the way, that person will always. flip-flop because that's what change is. like. Change isn't linear. It isn't in. one direction. It's multidirection and. multifaceted and up and down. And so if. you don't want to tolerate that, if you. don't feel ready to do that, you're well. within your rights to say, "I can't do. this." And I think it's it's so hard. when we live our lives based on someone. else's timeline. You can't. You'll.

always be chasing it or pressurizing it. or pushing it. It's such a good. technique. um in thinking about change. as well. The one thing that Tom and I do. is if I'm trying to change something, so. I used to say to him like you always or. you never, right? I was very dramatic. like that. And I realized it. I made a. very conscious effort to stop. But when. you've been doing it in a relationship. for 15, 20 years, it's so natural. So I. start changing my behavior. And it was. like something like three or four. months. I hadn't said it. I caught.

myself every time. And then I go and. accidentally drop it. And he's like, "Here you go. You go and do absolutes.". I'm like, "You're right. I've been doing. it. I haven't been doing it for four. months and I just messed up." And he's. like, "What do you mean you haven't been. doing it for four months?" And so I. realized, and we use this language with. each other. It's like, "I understand. that your mental map of me hasn't quite. updated yet." And so, it's going to take. time for his mental map of me to update. It's kind of a way of saying, "You may. not have noticed, but I I understand. why." Yes. Because I think that's also. on the other side. We blame that. I.

can't believe you ever noticed. You said. that you wanted me to do the dishes. I've been doing the bloody dishes for. two weeks and you haven't even noticed. Now we get annoyed and we just give up. Yes, absolutely. You're so right. And. it's all about your level of tolerance. and patience. And you being really clear. about your timelines helps them be clear. about theirs. If you say, "Hey, I'm willing to give this six. months. I'm willing to give this 12. months. Let me put a timeline on it.". For me, that's how much I'm willing to.

be in this uncertainty to figure this. out with you, however you want me to. help you, however you want to open up. about it. But at that point, I have to. make a decision for my future. And now. you're not putting pressure on them. saying you have to have solved your. problem. You're saying that's how much. time I'm giving myself. And I think. that's what we're looking for, but we're. looking for it from them. And that. person is not going to give you any. clarity. That's so good. Do you think a. couple can recover from infidelity? Yes and no. So, two things. The first is.

your. tolerance of the memories, betrayal, and. pain. The question isn't can you. recover. The question is are you okay. with remembering? The question isn't can you recover. The. question is, can you make sure not to. remind them? The question isn't, can you. not recover? The question is, how do I.

stop myself from making that our. reality? You can always recover if you. make those choices. And again, it comes. back down to the person who didn't do. the cheating or didn't do the. mistake because it's you who actually. have to live with it. And the same is. true for that person. Can they live in a. relationship where they always feel a. sense of shame? Are they willing to rise.

even with a sense of guilt? Are they. willing to try and change even though. they carry that pain because they have a. pain as well? And so it's such a. together but independent thing because. you're both having to tolerate and be. patient about the same stuff but on. different ends of the spectrum. One. person's feeling shame and guilt and the. other person's feeling pain and stress. and a sense of worthlessness potentially.

for someone if it's been that deep. And. it's all about how long we can tolerate. those things for and move on. And that's. not easy for both. And especially not. for the person who actually was on the. receiving end of it, but that's what's. required of it. And where do you think. people go wrong? Because there's two. types of people. The person that leaves. immediately, get that, and the person. that stays in or just like keeps. forgiving them. So I think I think. there's there's mistakes on both sides.

So the mistake on the person who is on. the receiving end is you now need to do. more to make me feel more secure. But I'm not going to do the work of. trying to be more tolerant and patient. with what I remember. So you have to. make sure that you're always showing me. love, always showering me with affection. so that I never have to deal with the. emotion of the hurt that you've caused. Correct? But that person could do all of. that and if you don't process it, you. still will feel that way. Now, I'm not. saying it's your fault. I'm just saying.

that's the reality. If you wanted to. recover, it isn't your fault. This is. not your fault. Like, we have to just be. really clear about it. It's not your. fault. It doesn't It shouldn't have got. there. But that person could do. everything right from now on and this. relationship could still go wrong. because you didn't process what you had. to process. So on your part, that's the. mistake. On the other person's part, the. mistake happens is either they're. overcompensating in really inauthentic. ways or they feel so guilt and shamed by. it that they now bring it up in every. argument and go, "Oh, but you're always. going to play that card. Oh, but don't.

play that card." Like, "Oh, no, no, you're not allowed to use that card this. time." And now they start building rules. about when and where it's used. And. you're like, "Wait a minute. I'm the one. who is on the receiving end of that. I. get to decide where when I talk about. it." And so, you haven't come to an. agreement together about the vocabulary, the language, the connection of how is. this discussed? Where does it land? At. what point are we complete through the. healing process? At what point am I. comfortable to not talk about it again?

At what point am I going to bring it up? And you can't rush me on that. That's. the conversation that needs to be. happening, not the conversation of have. you forgiven me yet. That's not the. conversation. The conversation is we may. have to let this heal and talk about. this for 12 months. Whereas it's not. like okay, have you forgiven me? It's. been a week. Have you forgiven me? It's. been a year. Have you forgi? No, no, no. What do we actually need to talk about? Let's let's focus on that, not the end. point. We're all focused on the end. Like, when will you forgive me? I don't. know. When will you forget about it? I. don't know. So, let's not talk about.

deadlines. Let's talk about what this. relationship looks like, what the. vocabulary around this conversation is, when should we bring it up, how should. we raise it, are we going to do therapy. together? That's the conversations we. want to be having if we both want this. to work. And that's the critical. starting point. Do we both want this to. work? I think sometimes the person who's. forgiving thinks, I'm going to forgive. you. This is going to work out. You made. a decision on your own, but that person. didn't have to do anything. You just. said, "Oh, I forgive you. Let's let's. just move on. It's okay." But that. person didn't get to take part in that.

decision. You don't even know if they. want to be there. You don't even know if. they want forgiveness or what that. forgiveness looks like to them. So now. you could be forgiving someone who's. happy to continue to make that mistake. because you never got their buy in on. that decision you just made. So you made. it easier because you're like, I solved. it. It's fixed. I've forgiven it. Let's. move on. But you haven't because you. don't know where they stand. Most times. I assume they're going to fake it or. say, "No, no, I'm never going to do it. again." and maybe in that moment they. really believe it. Um, but the deep work.

that you're really kind of breaking down. I think really brings everything to the. surface so there's nowhere to hide and. there's no miscommunication. And I'm. going to go back to I love that you're. always saying like the personal. ownership part of it because you. couldn't control that they cheated on. you, right? That's just freaking. heartbreaking. But to be able to control. how you navigate it afterwards instead. of waiting for them to show you, instead. of waiting for them to say they're sorry. so many times. I love that. It's so. important. Yeah. You control it. You.

have the power. Like don't don't live in. a world where you're giving them power. again. Yeah. Right. So this whole talk. is really about building your. self-worth, putting the validation on. yourself, not expecting it for others. What are like five daily habits that you. actually suggest that somebody does in. order to build their self-worth and make. sure that they never settle in a. relationship that isn't right for them? Yeah. The first habit for selfworth I'd. say is take on a daily or weekly. challenge. take on a challenge that you. set yourself, that you set the.

challenge, the limit, the time limit, how hard it is, the difficulty level, whether it's learning a new language, whether it's a new workout, whether it's. a new sport. And your selfworth will. grow every time you accomplish a new. level. Your self-worth grows when you do. hard things, when you do uncomfortable. things, when you do difficult things on. your own and you see that you can do it, right? When you see yourself lifting. that much more in the gym, when you see. yourself be feeling that much stronger, all of a sudden your self worth grows.

because you get belief that I can do. this, right? This is possible for me. Another way you grow selfworth is. undoing and. unwiring the trauma and the patterns. that hold you back from the past. Now, what is a daily habit? How do you do. that as a daily habit? What you want to do is find one thing. that you repeat that your parents did. that you don't love. Just find one.

thing. And what you want to do is you. want to be conscious of that one trigger. and how it shows up in your life every. day. You're not guilting yourself. You're not judging yourself. You're. becoming aware of it so you can spot it. and transform it. So for me, I'll give. you an example. I found that a lot of my. early caregivers overloved me but then. guilted me for not over loving them. back. So they gave me lots of love but. then if I didn't give them back the same. level of love they'd say you don't love.

me. And I found myself doing that to. Radhi. I found myself doing that to my. friends. I found myself doing that to. people in my life. I'd over love them. and then guilt them for not loving me. So, I found one thing and I realized. that guilting my wife didn't make her. love me more. It pushed her away. Guilting my wife made her feel that I. didn't love her because I would treat. her that way. And all I did for one year. was I was aware of that every day. And.

every time I thought about guilting her, I would remind myself of how guilt. didn't make me love that person more. It. pushed me away. And so that technique. that I'd subconsciously picked up was. actually breaking what I wanted. It. wasn't actually getting me where I. wanted. So become aware of just one. pattern. Get into the details of it like. that. The third habit for selfworth I'd. say is ask people that you love and. trust what you're really good at and.

what they notice in you that they. appreciate. because you'll find that. often they'll say things that you've. never even thought of. Ask them what. what what do I do really really well? What skill do I have? What do you. appreciate about me? What do you see. about me? And these are people you love. and trust. So, it's not an uncomfortable. conversation to have. Just be like, I'm. doing a self-worth exercise. I'm I'm. trying to learn more about myself. And. one of the things Jay and Lisa told me. to do was to ask people that I love and. trust what skills I have, what qualities. I have, what they really admire about. me, what I'm good at, right? What I.

appreciate. Fourth step with the people that you're. really close to, be okay with asking, "What do I need to work on and work on. that?" That will build selfworth. Self-worth isn't just about pumping. yourself up. It's about noticing what's. letting people down and building it and. growing it and working on that. Not to. become a people pleaser or to make it up. to them to say, "Look, I've changed. now." But to say, "Oh, I I've identified. that I can work on that. I'm confident. working on it." Self-worth is not being. confident about what you're great at.

It's being confident enough to accept. that there are things you're bad at and. working on them. That's what selfworth. is. I think we've painted selfworth to. be all about the light, the positive, the good. Selfworth is being able to. move in the shadows, to go into the cave. of your darkness, the negativity, the. bad, and feel comfortable in that and. reconcile the two. That's what. selfworth's about. And the fifth and. final one I'd say. is program your.

thoughts when you wake up and when you. go to bed. There's something that I. learned from a guest of mine called. Rahul Jandial and he's a surgeon. and a dreams expert and he was talking. about this idea of something called. sleep entry and sleep exit. And so sleep. entry is this idea of when you're just. about to fall asleep and sleep exit is. almost when you're just about to wake. up. And those moments are the moments.

where you can remember your dreams. You. can program your subconscious thoughts. You're in that kind of midstate of. you're not fully awake and you're not. fully asleep. It's a really interesting. space to be. And I would encourage. everyone to code and program the thought. that they want to have in those moments. So if you think about it, you set an. alarm the night before you wake up so. that you can wake up in the morning. You. don't set an alarm the minute you wake. up. It doesn't make sense. You would. never do that. So you have to code and.

program the thought you wake up with the. night before. That's so smart. So when. I'm going to sleep, what is the thought. I want to wake up with? I am energized, healthy, rested, rejuvenated. I am. whatever it is. Program that thought the. night before. wake up with that thought. and again choose that thought. So there. are 60 to 80,000 thoughts we have per. day. Wow. Studies show we have 80%. negative 80% repetitive thoughts. So. most of us are saying the same things to.

ourselves again and again. We wake up in. the morning I look tired. Wake up in the. morning oh there's a spot on my face. Wake up in the morning I've put on. weight. Wake up in the morning you know. whatever it is. We're just saying. negative things to ourselves. And guess. what? You say the same things to. yourself every day for years. That's. what leads to burnout. Let's take. ownership of that thought and every day. plant the seed of the thought that you. want to wake up with and that you want. to sleep with. Whatever it may be, whatever you're manifesting, whatever. you're growing in your life, because you. already say the same things to yourself.

every day. So, why not say things to. yourself that you actually want to say? That's so good. Programming how you want. to wake up. How do you make sure that as. you're falling asleep, you're not. falling asleep with a negative thought? cuz it's actually one of the interviews. that I saw you I can't remember it might. have been with you and Radi where you. said that when most of us are so busy. all day that we don't give our brains a. rest we go go go go go and the only time. we have a moment of rest is right before. we go to bed which is why all the. negative thoughts come flooding to us.

right when we close our eyes yes so what. do you do to make sure that the negative. uh flooding doesn't come right before. you go to bed first of all write down. all of the negative thoughts and. everything that's going on and. everything you're thinking about in a. book, a journal outside of your bedroom. Don't do it in bed. A lot of people sit. in bed and start writing. Well, now the. energy of your bed is heavy with all of. the things you just wrote. Write about. in another room, leave it there, put it. on your phone, leave it there on a notes. app, but do it in another room. When you. get into bed, either listen to your.

voice, repeating the words that you want. in your head, so that you now start. listening and trusting your own inner. voice and having trust in your. intuition. Read it again and again. If. you don't like the sound of your voice. and you think it's cringe actually then. you should listen to it even more so. that you realize your voice is not. cringe. Read it again and again and. again off a piece of paper as it becomes. your main thought because it's all. repetition and see how it feels in your. body. So I always say when you're. repeating a phrase or a mantra you have. to believe it in your body you have to. mean it in your mind and you have to.

feel it in your heart. And so every time. you say a statement it's not just saying. it. You're trying to believe it in your. body. What does it feel like when I. believe that's true for me? Like if I go. to sleep believing I am waking up. healthy, rejuvenated, and rested, I feel. strong. I feel sturdy. I don't feel like. this anymore. There's a my body changes. If I'm going to mean it in my mind, I've. got to focus on how powerful it is when. I wake up with a really focused mindset. And finally, I've got to feel it in my. heart. I've got to feel what it feels.

like to live a day that starts off with. health and abundance. When you can do it. in that way, reading or listening to. your own voice, all of a sudden it. starts to become programmed. It's as. simple as that. It's not complicated. That's so good. I'm actually going to. start doing it. Try it. Yeah. And you. whatever whatever affirmation, whatever. whatever you want to say. And it's not. like some I I always like to take away. the mysticism of it. It's not magic. You're doing it anyway. You already tell. yourself, "I sucked at work today.". You're already telling yourself, "Oh, I'm I didn't work out hard enough today.

Oh, I forgot to do this today." You're. already doing it. So you're just. replacing it with what you actually want. to think that actually makes you better. You're it's it's not magic. J Shetty, dude, I could talk to you forever. I. know. I love it. Love you. Such a great. conversation. Thank you so much. You're. going on tour, which is so exciting. Tell me about on tour. Where can people. also buy tickets, all the good stuff. I'm going on tour for the first time. ever with the podcasting, which I'm so. excited. So, I'll be interviewing. special guests in 15 cities across the. UK. You have inspired me, dude. you. You.

have to do it. It's so much. I'm so. excited about it because I know that. there's people who listen to my podcast. on purpose. Forget every week, every. day. And I'm like, imagine being in the. room with me and a special guest, asking. questions, being present in the room. We're going to have an interactive. experience. Just the idea that you. already tune in. Why not come in and. tune in person? And so, you can go to. jshetty.mmeour. So, that's. jshetty.me. And I can't wait to see.

everyone. And I can't wait to just see. the on-purpose community that we built. over the last six years. And it's so. inspiring and I love that you're trying. new things. I love that people get to. see you in person and they because. you're in different cities as well, it. allows other people that if in that. city, they can go and watch you. That's. so amazing. I can't wait. I'm really. excited. Oh my god. And um if anyone. wants to just follow you in general. Yeah. Uh J Shetty across Tik Tok, Instagram, YouTube, uh podcast on Apple, Spotify, iHeart,

and all the uh all the apps. Uh yeah. Anyway, Jetty, there's only one J. Shetty. If you love this episode, you're. going to love my conversation with. Matthew Hussie on how to get over your. ex and find true love in your. relationships. People should be. compassionate to themselves, but extend. that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion. to your future self is doing something. that gives him or her a shot at a happy. and a peaceful. [Music].