Give Me 26 Minutes and I’ll Break Your Toxic Love Patterns for Good

Long-term love isn't built in highlight. reels. It's built in the quiet moments. Because. life is about how you both feel on a. Tuesday evening. Life is about how you feel on a Monday. morning before work. Life is about how. you feel coming home to that person on a. Friday night. Life isn't about the vacations. It isn't. about the once-a-year trips. It isn't. about the wedding day. That's 1% of the. experience with this person. Number one.

health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only, Jay. Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On. Purpose. I'm Jay Shetty, and I am so. grateful and so thankful that you've. tuned back in. I love seeing your. reviews. I love seeing your posts. Keep. them coming. It fuels me. It gives me. energy. I love bumping into you all on. the street. Always say hi. It's meant. the world to me. I've been traveling a. lot lately, so I've met some of you in. Rome. I met some of you in London. I've.

met people in Paris, all over the world. So, keep keep keep telling me that you. listen on Purpose. It makes my day, and. I love giving you a big hug and saying. hello back. Today, I want to talk about. something really important. It's everything I wish I knew about love. in my 20s. Now, whether you're in your. 20s, your 30s, your 40s, your 50s, all. of these messages still apply. And I. want you to take them in, because what I. find is that love is what we all want in.

life, but it's also the most misunderstood. It's one of those areas of our life that. we all crave, chase, and need, but don't really define. and understand deeply. And when I look at my life, I look at how so much of my life around. love was defined by what I saw in the. movies, the media, and how it was. presented to me. The romantic comedies that we watched. growing up, the novels, the books, the.

stories, the music videos, they all. defined, they planted seeds. into our beliefs and expectations. about love. When you watch The Notebook, you see. these two people fall in love. But then when you actually look at it. closely, you see a character hanging off a Ferris. wheel. telling the girl he will let go if she. doesn't say yes. Extremely unhealthy, right? Very, very.

unhealthy. And then when you start to. look at a lot of these movies a lot more. deeply, you start to see so many unhealthy ideas. about love. It's remarkable to me that. at the time we just ignored them. Even if you look at movies of Sleeping. Beauty, cartoons, where the prince had. to come and save the sleeping beauty. Right? The idea of being saved, the idea. of this knight in shining armor, it's no wonder that we're waiting for.

that person to come through the door and. sweep us off our feet. And then of course, every movie ended. with happily ever after. It rarely got into the reality of the. fight about washing the dishes or the. money problems that appear or the fact. that the kids are now going to school. and how do we want to raise them? All of that was missed in all the movies. because it ended with a shot of a car. driving off into the sunset and feeling.

like that was the end and everything was. perfect. So we've been sold lies about. love from dating. to moving in. to getting married. Because the marriage was the end of the. movie. When in reality, moving in and. getting married is the beginning of your. life together. So it's fascinating to me. that we missed so many ideas and. therefore I had to make this video about. everything I wish I knew about love. earlier. Because it would have made my. relationships better.

It would have made me feel less hurt in. my life. And it would have made me expect. differently of the people that I was. with. The first one is this. Chemistry isn't compatibility. Here's the principle. All of us today. over index on the value of chemistry. We. believe that if we feel chemistry, this. is our person. This is the one we're. meant to spend the rest of our lives. with, and this is what love is all.

about. Some of us will miss out on. incredible partners because we didn't. feel chemistry on date one, and some of. us will stay with people that we have. amazing chemistry with even though we. don't have anything else. How many of. you have stayed in a relationship where. the sex was amazing even if you didn't. connect on a deeper level? I'm sure there's many of you. How many. of you stayed in a relationship where. you had lots of chemistry even though. you secretly worried and were anxious.

that that person was cheating on you or. there were other red flags? Chemistry makes you ignore. the things that actually make a. relationship healthy. And we miss out on. people who would be amazing partners for. us because we didn't feel chemistry. in the beginning. When your heart races around someone, it's easy to assume it's meant to be. But research shows we often confuse. excitement, anxiety, or even danger for.

attraction. That spark, sometimes it's adrenaline. So here's the takeaway. Feeling drawn to. someone doesn't mean they're right for. you. It means your nervous system is. activated. Next time you feel the spark, pause and ask yourself, "Do I feel safe. or just stimulated?". I read a study that talked about how. when we first are attracted to someone,

we experience two things: stress. and excitement. That's actually what we. experience to be chemistry. So, we have. the stress of "Do they like me?" But we. have the excitement of "I think I like. them." We have the stress of "Will I get. their number?" And then we have the. excitement of "I just got their number.". And then we have the stress of "Well, well, what do I message them?" And then. we have the excitement of "They just. messaged me back." And then we have the.

stress of "Will they message me first? Will they ask me out?" But then we have. the excitement of "We're going out on a. date." And this stress and excitement is. what creates chemistry and the spark. But here's what happens over time. The stress goes down. When you spend more time with someone, you know they're going to text you. You. know they're going to show up on time. You've now gone exclusive. You moved in. together. So, now the stress goes down, so the excitement doesn't feel as high.

We now confuse. that lack of stress as boredom, when actually it's peace. That's what your nervous system was. looking for anyway. But we confuse inconsistency. with excitement and stability with. boredom. We think if things have become peaceful, we lost the spark. No, you didn't. You. lost the stress. You weren't stressed. out anymore. Are they going to text? Are. they going to show up? Do they like me? They do text. They do show up. They do.

like me. Don't confuse. a lack of stress. as a lack of spark. A good relationship is where you feel. safe. and stimulated. It's when you feel seen and excited. A healthy relationship is one where you. feel heard without having to shout. It's one where you feel loved without. having to shrink. It's one where you feel respected in.

silence, not just praised in public. It's one where you feel desired for who. you are, not just what you offer. It's a relationship where you feel. pushed to grow, never pressured to perform. A place where peace isn't boring. and passion isn't toxic. Because real. love doesn't choose between calm and. chemistry. It gives you both.

A lot of the times, we create drama in. relationships because we're so used to. it. We create problems because we're so used. to them. We're not good at peace because. we've never seen that before, and I wish. I knew that in my 20s. I actually wish I. knew that in my teens. Because I. probably allowed for too much drama or. added to it. because I believed that was excitement. We believe that stress is excitement. And you may say, "No, Jay, I don't want. stress in a relationship. I don't want.

drama." Well, think about it. How much. do you allow to happen to you? How much do you create yourself? So many of us. will spend years of our lives. allowing people to bring drama and. trauma into our lives instead of peace. because we're more used to it. Stop doing that. Step number two. Love without boundaries is. self-abandonment. In your 20s, it's easy to lose yourself.

in love, but healthy attachment requires. a strong sense of self. Without boundaries, love turns into. people-pleasing. and self-abandonment. You can't build a we. until you protect yourself. Write a list of three emotional. non-negotiables. in relationships. Things you won't bend on or leave. behind, no matter who they are. How many of you know someone, a friend, a family member, maybe even yourself,

who completely alienates and forgets. about their friends when they're in a. relationship? Right? You completely. ignore everyone. You never message back. You don't go out anymore. You found your. person. And all of a sudden, when that. person breaks up with you, you now. realize you feel alone. You don't have. any friends. How many of you give up all. your hobbies, all your interests? You. stop working out. You stop going to the. places you loved hanging out because you. have that person. Don't make that person your identity.

Don't make that person your everything. Don't make that person your only thing. Because if you leave them or they leave. you, you'll feel like you are nothing. You'll feel like you don't have any. value. and don't know what your life's about. Boundaries bring the right people close. and push the wrong ones out. They don't scare away love. They filter out the noise.

They don't create distance. They reveal who's willing to meet you. with respect. The people who leave when. you set boundaries. were never here for you, just your. access. The right ones don't get offended. They get it. Boundaries don't block love. They. protect it. I wish I knew about boundaries a lot. earlier. because boundaries will protect you from. causing harm to yourselves.

If you set boundaries about what you're. not willing to tolerate, you won't stick around when people don't. respect them. If you set boundaries. that protect what you value, you won't stick around when people don't. change their behavior. Too many of us accept, tolerate, and. allow. giving the other person space to behave. with us wrongly because we never set a.

boundary. I'm sure many of you have been hurt, taken advantage of, screwed over, and when you look back, you realize that. that person was always showing you who. they were, but you kept allowing them to be that. way. It wasn't your fault, but you allowed it to continue. And that's what we want to stop. That's what boundaries do. Step number three. How they handle boredom tells you. everything. We overestimate how happy.

certain moments will make us. Dates, anniversaries, weddings, or big trips, but what actually predicts long-term. connection? How you feel on an ordinary Tuesday. night together. Long-term love isn't built in highlight. reels. It's built in the quiet moments. Ask yourself, would I still want to be. around this person if nothing exciting.

ever happened again? Because life is about how you both feel. on a Tuesday evening. Life is about how you feel on a Monday. morning before work. Life is about how. you feel coming home to that person on a. Friday night. Life isn't about the vacations, it isn't. about the once-a-year trips, it isn't. about the wedding day. That's 1% of the experience with this. person. You want to make sure that you have. something. that is good when there's nothing else.

exciting going on. An exciting life will. cover the cracks of a bad relationship. A good relationship will make the. exciting moments even better. The exciting moments will feel enhanced. The trips will feel. like an amazing rush. But it has to be. good without all of that. Something I wish I learned earlier. I. always felt like I needed grand. gestures, big dates, exciting moments to. make something exciting. And then I realized just a great. conversation,

feeling the calmness and the peace in my. nervous system when I came home. I feel that every time I see Roddy, even. today. We both travel a lot for work. We both. do a lot of exciting things for our. work. But one of our favorite things is. just having a routine where 5 days a. week we're spending together, coming. home after a busy day of work, and. just sitting together and doing nothing. Just being together. can be some of my best memories. Step number four. Conflict doesn't ruin relationships.

Avoiding it does. I used to think that. the best couples don't fight. I used to. think that if I was in a relationship. with someone and we disagreed with each. other, it was the wrong person. I now. realize that relationships are a space. for growth, not for comfort. If relationships are just about comfort, first of all, I don't know any that are, but if relationships are just about. comfort, then you're not going anywhere. Relationships are meant to challenge. you. They're meant to make you grow.

They're meant to make you realize how. selfish and greedy you are. They're. meant to make you realize how it's. important to think about someone else. They're meant to make you more. emotionally intelligent. Healthy couples. don't avoid conflict. They manage it with repair. Here's the key. For every one negative interaction, you. need five positive ones to stay. emotionally connected. How you fight. matters more than how often you fight.

So, on your next argument, try this. Help me understand what this brought up. for you. Ask that. And then actually listen. Don't defend, right? Usually when we fight, we're just. fighting for what our parents did. We're. just fighting for what some old belief. says. I used to think love means you don't. fight. Now I know it means you know how to. repair. I used to think love was proven by grand.

gestures. Now I know it's built in the small. consistent ones. I used to think love meant never needing. space. Now I know it's respecting someone. enough. to give it to them. I used to think love was about never. changing. Now I know it's about growing. and still choosing each other. I used to think love should always feel. easy.

Now I know the real kind is chosen. especially when it's not. I used to think love was how loud they. said it. Now I know it's how clearly they show. it. Number five. Lust is loud, but real love is often. quiet. Here's the thing. Your brain. craves novelty. That's why new. relationships feel addicting. But over time the dopamine fades and.

people mistake that for love fading. What you're really seeing is your brain. adjusting. So, here's the takeaway. The high of lust wears off, but. emotional security is a slow burn. Track connection, not just attraction. Ask weekly and monthly, do I feel more. seen or more ignored over time? Do I feel safe. or do I just feel stimulated? If they.

only excite you, it's chemistry. If they calm your nervous system, it's. care. If they make your heart race, but never. your mind rest, that's adrenaline, not alignment. If you're always guessing, it's not passion, it's emotional. confusion. If you feel seen only when. you're perfect, that's performance, not partnership. If they hype your highs, but disappear.

in your lows, that's entertainment, not commitment. Real love isn't just sparks, it's. steadiness. It's the one who brings peace to your. chaos, not more chaos to your peace. It's the one who regulates your nervous. system, not constantly triggers it. Because safety doesn't kill connection, it deepens it. And by the way, you have to do all of. this back. I think when we talk about. love, we all talk about it like, what's.

someone doing for me? Is that person got. red flags? What are they doing for me? What should they be doing for me? What are you doing for them? This is a really important thing to talk. about. What are you doing for them? Are. you also doing it back? And what I'm. also going to add is no one is perfect. when you meet them. No one is going to be the perfect. partner for you the day you meet them. It is the choice you both make every. day, every week, every month, every year. to become more of that person, to heal.

independently, to heal together, to. connect more. A relationship is one. where you're both willing to give each. other patience to grow yourself. and. commit to growing together. That's a. relationship. Here's how it goes in. reality. You'll meet people who don't. know how to listen. Are you patient enough to wait for them. to learn? And do they want to learn for. you? You'll date people who aren't. emotionally intelligent or don't know.

how to convey their emotions. Are you willing to wait and are they. willing to learn? You'll meet people that feel you have a. lot of baggage. Are they willing to wait for you? And are you willing to heal? Those are. the only two questions. There's not. going to be this perfect person who. already speaks your language, who's. already perfectly emotionally. intelligent, who's already therapized. and perfect and healed from every piece. of baggage they have. It's the. relationship that does that. That is.

part of the therapy. That is part of the. healing. The only two questions that. make a relationship successful. are you willing to wait? Are they willing to heal? Are they willing to wait? Are you willing to heal? A relationship a healthy one. is where you're both patient while the. other person heals. And you're both healing while the other. person is patient. You're doing the work. while they wait for you.

And they're doing the work while you. wait for them. That's what a real relationship looks. like. I used to believe you're going to. meet someone who's perfectly formed, perfectly healed, already enlightened, already emotionally intelligent, and now. we're just going to get each other. That is the biggest mistake you can. make, especially if you're in a. spiritual community where you just. assume everyone knows all of this. They don't. And neither do you. Number six. Their attachment style will affect.

yours. You're not immune to your. partner's patterns. A secure person can. bring safety. An avoidant one can make you anxious. even if you weren't before. Our styles adapt to the emotional. environment we're in. Who you choose will either soothe your. nervous system or stir your survival. instinct. Now, neither is good or bad. because one could challenge you to grow, but it's important that you observe. Do.

I feel more regulated or more reactive. around them? Your body knows before your brain does. The way they were loved will shape how. they love you. The way they were cared for. will shape how they care for you. If they were taught love is earned, they might make you prove yourself. If they were taught love was. unpredictable, they might test your consistency. If they were never heard,

they might not know how to listen. If they were never held, they might not know how to stay. People love through the lens of what. they've survived. Not all distance. is disinterest. You're not always being judged. You're sometimes being misunderstood. You're not responsible for their past, but you are responsible for how you. protect your heart in the present.

because their wounds aren't your fault, but their healing shouldn't cost your. peace. A real relationship is where we're. willing to commit. to do that healing work together. We are going to walk in with different. backgrounds, different walks of life, different parenting. That's not an. issue. If you try and find someone who's. exactly like you or complements you. perfectly, chances are you'll be looking. forever. It's someone that is. really there to do the work with you. That makes all the difference. Number.

seven. Your standards are shaped by what you've. repeated, not what you deserve. You tend to fall for what feels. familiar, not what's healthy. If chaos or consistency was your normal. growing up, love without drama might. feel boring. But familiarity isn't the. same as alignment. Here's the takeaway. Just because it feels familiar, doesn't. mean it's right. List the top three emotional patterns.

you keep repeating in relationships. Then ask, who taught me that was normal? Sometimes what feels like love. is just a well-rehearsed wound. It's the. chaos that feels familiar. The inconsistency that feels normal. The. emotional unavailability. that feels like a challenge you need to. earn. You think you're drawn to them, but really you're drawn to what you've. been conditioned to survive.

You call it chemistry, but your nervous system calls it danger. it already knows how to handle. You think it's love because it hurts the. same way you were first hurt. That's not love. It's memory. That's not a connection. It's a loop or a bad habit. How do we. break that loop? So, name the pattern. Ask yourself, what does this feel like. that I felt before?

Clarity is the first break in the cycle. Then interrupt the autopilot. When. someone triggers that familiar spark, pause and ask yourself, is this healthy or just familiar? And. also ask yourself, do I need to become. healthier? Because sometimes we don't like. something, it doesn't feel healthy. because it actually challenges us to. grow. That's not a bad thing in a. relationship. I found some of the best. things in my relationship is when I was.

challenged to grow by things that I. thought were unhealthy. And actually. what it was requiring is more growth. from me. Sometimes when something's. unhealthy in a relationship, we think. it's because that person needs to grow. When actually could it be that you need. to grow? Step number three of that, redefine love. in your language. Write down what love. isn't. Then define what you want it to. feel like. And by the way, you should do. this together. Do you both see love as. safety? Do you both see love as being.

seen? Are your expectations actually. aligned? And finally, give yourself what. you keep chasing. The validation, the. presence, the approval, give it to. yourself daily so you don't bargain for. it in someone else's hands. Here's my. final thought. Most people chase love based on what. they felt, not what they understood. But. when you combine heart with science, emotion with self-awareness, and.

attraction with alignment, you stop. chasing fireworks and start building a. real life. Thank you so much for. listening today. I hope this episode. helps you. It took me a long time to. learn these lessons. I'm trying to share. them with you in a really succinct, powerful way. Let me know what connected. with you. Tag me in those stories and. reels and TikToks, and I'll see you. again soon. Make sure you subscribe and. don't miss out. I'll see you back here. on On Purpose. If you love this episode,

you're going to love my conversation. with Matthew Hussey on how to get over. your ex and find true love in your. relationships. People should be. compassionate to themselves, but extend. that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion. to your future self is doing something. that gives him or her a shot at a happy. and a peaceful life.