EMILIE KISER EXCLUSIVE: The Loss That Changed Her Forever

I got a phone call from my husband that. our son Trek had fallen in the pool. And that. he wasn't breathing. Our whole world fell apart. There is no way to describe [music] to. someone what it's like losing a child. We did not think we would make it. through that. >> Hey everyone, welcome back to On. Purpose, the place you come to become.

happier, healthier, and more healed. You. know, the thing that's most important to. me is sharing real stories that allow. individuals to express their journeys, express their challenges, express the. lives that they've lived in a way that. uplifts, inspires, and most importantly. heals all of us. Today I get to sit down. with Emily Kaiser. Emily has invited so. many people into her life with honesty, warmth, and openness. And over the past. year, she's walked through a.

life-altering experience, one that. reshaped her world in ways no one is. ever prepared for. Please welcome to On. Purpose, Emily Kaiser. >> Emily, so wonderful to meet you. >> You too. I'm really grateful to be here. >> Your energy since you walked in this. morning is so warm and cozy and. comforting, and I felt like I'd known. you forever. >> I appreciate that. >> It was just so sweet, but I wanted to. start off by just asking you, how are. you today? >> I'm nervous. I'm honored to be here.

Yeah, I I feel I feel okay. >> What does your normal day-to-day look. like right now? >> I'm a mom, so. my priority day-to-day is taking care of. my younger son Teddy. So, my day-to-day. is pretty normal. I wake up, I work out. I try to work out every day, just cuz I. know those like good endorphins will. help me mentally throughout the day, and. I notice a really big difference if I. don't do that. And then I kind of just. spend the rest of my day with my son and. just wherever it leads me. I've learned. throughout a lot of my grief journey.

that I I just can't have too many. expectations for myself, so I I just. have to set small intentions and go. where the day leads me. >> Yeah. And and what was your intention. for coming here today? Like what was. going through your mind to want to come. and share now and today? >> I have a large platform and. going through what we've been through. this past year, just honestly nothing has felt like an. appropriate place to talk about fully in. depth. what happened, what our family's been.

through, just how much we miss Traeg, how much we. love him. It just it honestly hasn't felt right. and. I feel like when. you asked me to come, I I really felt. like, "Okay, yeah, this is like a person. that I can sit down with and have a. really in-depth, meaningful conversation. that will hopefully help people spread. awareness, help me to maybe heal in a way.". >> Yeah, I I really hope that this. conversation is.

healing for all of us and kind and and. healing for you as well. >> Yeah. >> We'll talk about the loss in a moment, but talk to me about what life was like. before the loss. Like talk to me about. creating or sharing your life online in. 2021. >> Mhm. >> What did it look like? What was the. motivation behind that? What was the. inspiration behind all of that? >> The whole motivation always behind. starting social media was honestly that. I just needed an outlet. I think that's. why a lot of people start. I think that. we crave human interaction, human. connection and.

I lived in Utah at the time for already. about I think maybe three or four years, but when you become a mom, your whole. world shifts, your life changes. Like. nothing can even prepare you for that. journey. And I was just really deeply. craving something to. fulfill me in a deeper way. Um obviously. motherhood fulfills me so much, but I. felt like I needed like my own thing, and I think that's so healthy and. important. And I was like, I think I. should just start sharing my day-to-day. Like maybe people will relate to that.

So, I was sharing. morning vlogs, day in the life vlogs, cleaning vlogs, and honestly, it deeply. motivated me. I was home alone most days. with Traig, and so it really just helped. me to like get out of the house, get. stuff done. Like that was my motivation. was just connecting with other moms and. people. >> Yeah, and I know. our team here are huge fans of yours. And then they've loved following you. What was your relationship like with. your community during that time? Like it. feels like you've just you did exactly. that. It made people feel connected to. you, made people feel less alone.

>> I feel like to me, my community just. feels warm and kind and. I feel like. I'm just so grateful for my community. and how much grace and love they always. give me and my family, and especially. going through what we've gone through. I. I could have never anticipated the. support that I would receive, and it. it's really always felt that way. >> When you're so public like you are, and then you go through a loss, everyone feels a part of that journey. with you, too. And then I imagine that.

it's affected. the online community, yourself. It's. almost like you share your life with. everyone. I know I know I can feel that. way sometimes. >> It's definitely shifted my perspective. on. my boundaries and how much I choose to. share. I don't share my younger son anymore. I. have a strict boundary of I don't share. Traig anymore. I won't share photos of. him, videos of him. It's definitely just shifted a lot of my. perspective of as much as I am so.

grateful for the community, it does kind. of give you this perspective of. people, I mean, yeah, they don't. actually know me. They don't actually. know my real life, and it's a hard thing. to learn, especially going through what. we did so publicly. It It really opens. your eyes. >> Could you explain for those who may not. know what you went through last May? Could you share in the best way you feel. comfortable uh sharing that experience? >> Um I went out. with my friends. I was 5 weeks. postpartum.

And I. went out to dinner for a little girls'. night out and about. maybe. 10 minutes after I arrived, I got a. phone call from my husband. Um. that our son Drake had fallen in the. pool. And that. he wasn't breathing. And I could hear the pain and the. just.

confusion in his voice. I knew. immediately before he even said anything. that something was wrong. Um. and so I I rushed to the hospital to be. by my son's side and. our life just completely changed that. day and. he passed away about a week later. And. yeah, our whole world. fell apart. >> I'm genuinely so sorry for your loss and.

I can't imagine how much courage it. takes to you can even share that with us. today and. the strength that you have being here. and. yeah, I can't imagine what that loss. feels like and. it's the most hospital heartbreaking. thing you could ever hear. And to add on to that. the public nature of your profile and. your family and everything else, I can't. imagine how much that stress is. placed on you and your family and and.

everyone else included, people that are. close to you and those that love you. >> Yeah. >> What went through your head at the time. and what's been going through your head. as you've had time? >> I mean, your body just goes into fight. or flight mode. So, I feel like I've. just been. truly taking it. minute by minute, hour by hour, and slowly kind of increasing from. there. But, I mean, the only thing that. was going through my mind was just. that I wanted him to be okay.

That I wanted my old life back. That. I wanted him to have his life back. I mean, it's what he deserves. And it's just you can't even describe. that feeling of. when when your child passes away from a. preventable accident, a preventable. tragedy, all that's going through your mind is. where did I go wrong? Where did we go.

wrong? How did this happen? Why did this happen? Hindsight is playing in your head. 24/7. And um. yeah, I mean, it's terrible. >> That kind of. rumination and. kind of just spiraling. of all those questions that you just. shared and all those thoughts. I'm sure. there's it's almost like not even. it's not even a question of trying to.

move on or trying to you know, it's it's. so. it's so kind of all encompassing and. all engulfing because. it's exactly what you said. You're just. wondering about if this, what if, why. not? >> We had to make so many. big decisions in a very short amount of. time that no family should ever have to. make. And I know that other people will. relate to that, and it's. it feels impossible.

You're truly going second by second. because. at any moment. something could change or. you could be given different news or. you know, so. it's just. truly just minute by minute. >> What was the hardest part about that. experience that no one sees? Because. everyone tries to empathize, everyone. over here tries to understand and you. can I always feel like when you haven't. been through a pain, you can be. empathetic, you can be compassionate,

you can be theoretically there, but when something happens to you, it's. very different than. when you observe it through someone. else. What's the part of it that no one. sees that. you've been carrying that that affects. you? >> I mean, just. the heartbreak, the mess, the love that. you have for that person, nobody can. even if you have the most empathy in the. world, nobody will ever be able to. feel, even if they've been in a similar.

situation. Those are the people who can. relate the most, but. there is no way to describe to someone. what it's like losing a child and what. that pain is like. And it it feels unbearable. We did not think we would make it. through that. It's like you constantly. are looking back like, how how have I. done that? How have we done that? How. how are we even here right now? Time. just feels so warped and confusing. And.

I feel like that's I mean, that's the. hardest thing that you can't explain to. someone is just what it's actually like. No, you will never know what it's. actually like unless you are going. through it. Even you will be surprised by the. decisions you make, your thought. process, your grief. I mean, I had even heard similar stories. before Trey passed away. I mean, you always sit there with. theoreticals of this is how I would. handle it or this is what I would do and. you would literally never know. And it.

it's it's crazy thinking back that I. ever felt that way or that I ever. theoretically felt that way about other. people's tragedies because now I'm like, oh, like. you literally don't know. >> I've had friends pass away or younger. friends get diagnosed with cancer who've. passed away and. >> [snorts]. >> it's been really interesting when you. get to that kind of age when people. around you are. starting to get diagnosed with certain. things and you start learning how as. friends you want to be there for each. other, but how certain friends don't.

quite get it. And it comes back down to. exactly what you just said, like we're. so as humans we're so quick to judge. someone's experience and how we deal. with it. And then when you go through something. close to that, you realize how none of. that mental faculty or reasoning even. comes close to helping you deal with any. of that because the emotion is so strong. and so overriding that you don't have. that function in your brain that you had. before something like that happened. >> Your brain chemistry literally changes. >> The hardest thing is your loss and what.

you're going through in love and the. life you had and wanting it back. But then you're also managing this. your career, which also has this public. perception on it. How how did everyone. find out and how did that kind of. go into the conversation there? >> When I first got the news that Trig had. fallen in the pool and went to the. hospital, I mean, my mind was any. anywhere but what are people going to. say? What I wasn't even in a mental.

space. I was only focused on him and so. was our entire family and. I mean, the news broke because I I think. because. news cars started showing up, people. started putting together that my house. was my house. I mean, little things I. think like that furniture matched in. news video footage and and people. started to put together that it was. Trig based off of the descriptions that. were being given, but.

I hadn't even thought that far yet. So, when I. found out that it had become public and. that people were wondering what had. happened. I mean, we're still wondering. what like what had happened in that. moment. I didn't even have details. really on what had happened. We were. in the depths of just figuring out what. Treg needed and what we could do to help. him. That's kind of how it broke and from. there it just became.

I mean, a frenzy to put it at the least. It was crazy. But, I was just so uninvolved in that at. the time that it wasn't until. after he had passed away that I think I. really realized how big it was and how. how many people were talking about what. had happened to him and. >> What you're saying makes complete sense. that of course when you're going through. something that tragic, you're just. present there. Your your mind is not. anywhere else. Do you do you ever in circumstances like. this ever find the answers that.

even help about what happened and how it. felt? Like, do you even get there. because. it almost feels like. when these things happen, there's no. it's almost like there's no answer that. can heal or soothe or solve because it's. just pain. >> There really is no answer for why it. happened. At the end of the day, it happened because there were. precautions that we didn't take. I'm a very logical person and I go based. off the facts and that's what I had to.

do the entire time that we were in the. hospital getting information, everything, and there's no answer for. why he's not here. That's. some bigger thing or a lesson or. anything. There's there's nothing. It's. we should have protected him better and. and that's that's why it happened. >> What broke my heart. beyond learning about your story. as I was preparing for our conversation.

today and to to be with you. was some of the reaction online. And of course I want I want to talk. about both because I think the negative. always gets more. precedence than the positive. And so I. want to talk to you about both. because I think there was a lot of love. and there was a lot of support. And I. want to talk to you about that. I want. to hear about that. But the part that broke my heart was to. see how. when a human sees another human, whether. we know you or don't, and for those who. follow you, they they know you extremely.

well. to already know that someone's going. through something that is the worst. thing that a parent could ever go. through. to then have their own opinion. commentary, verdict on it feels. heartless and painful. >> Yeah. >> In a In a way that I can't understand. why our human mind would even go there. Let's talk about some of the support you. felt from people online. >> When I came back. I honestly was fully preparing myself.

for. any reaction I was possibly going to. get. I was just so deeply craving, I. think, a sense of normalcy. And when you're grieving and when you go. through something. any sort of loss, honestly, I think that. that's what a lot of us grip onto is how. can I find any sense of normalcy in my. life to get me through the day? For me that kind of was starting to. slowly return to my job that I love so. much.

Nothing could have prepared me for. the support that I received. I was really just emotional and blown. away and just so grateful. And I um. very often feel very undeserving. Just because of how. sad and honestly guilty I feel. And sad for Trig that he's not here. Sometimes I feel undeserving of like.

how are we able to still in the best way. we can go on with our lives? And I'm just really grateful that I had. so many people that. were just there for me. My community. kind of just said. however you want to take it, whatever. you choose to share, you can share it. That's kind of what I. prepared myself returning was with the. boundaries of. I will just share what I'm comfortable. with because I would rather be. ripped apart for.

what I what I don't share and for not. sharing enough than share too much. of the pain and the heartbreak and the. thoughts that I go through every day. and be judged for that. It's just it's too much. >> I appreciate you sharing the added layer. of. the emotional toll of experiencing loss, then experiencing grief, getting support, but then actually.

feeling guilty and a little bit of shame. to even experience that support. And. it's the emotional toll of all of those. extremely difficult emotions to carry. all at the same time. >> It's all the time. >> That's really heavy for you to, you. know, just to hold all of those at the. same time. >> I think people look at grief as stages. or. at some point it's going to end. The. pain is going to end. We look at grief. as this finish line. I feel like for a. lot of people of I grieved for this. amount of time or I was sad for this. amount of time and then that's not how.

it works. It's it's never-ending. Your. grief is going to be with you for the. rest of your life and very early on we. had so many amazing health professionals. that helped us because. we would not have even gotten to the. mental place we are in now. without those people. And I feel. like even though it was such a weight to. hear at that time of this is never going. to go away. Like we're going through the. darkest thing we could ever possibly go. through. We just lost our child. He's.

never coming back. And to hear that you're going to feel. this forever. was. it's it feels impossible. You're like. okay, so it's never going to get better. I'm never going to feel but that's when. the other lessons come in of. everything is going to coexist with the. grief. You could feel joy and feel so. much sadness at the exact same time. You. can feel. support while also feeling guilty. You. can feel.

sad while also feeling. reminiscent on the memories. So many feelings coexist and that is. that is forever. And I feel like the longer I have gone. into my grief journey even though I'm. not very far in it at all in the grand. scheme of things, the more I've just. really learned that that is is how I. have to go through my life of just I am. allowed to feel whatever, Brady is. allowed to feel whatever, my family is. allowed to feel whatever, but it can all coexist, but the grief is.

never going away. >> You're you're completely right that that. belief that we all have or this hope. that we all have that there's a finish. line, there's an end point, there's a. turning point. For moments like this, you're you're absolutely right. There is. none and and. that's the hardest thing and the most. helpful thing in in one. because it's almost. lying to ourselves or lying to our. others saying it will go away one day is. actually worse because then you're just. waiting for that day. >> Yeah, or the stages of grief. You hear.

that all the time. Oh, there's stages of. grief. Stages of grief were designed and. I actually learned this from. um Joanne Cacciatore who's a doctor that. we went to like very early on. We went. to a few of her she owns a care farm. Kind of like a grief place for parents. who have gone through child loss and she. just basically said plain and simple. that's designed for elderly people who. are at the end of life of the stages of. accepting that your life is going to.

end. That is not made for parents who. are who have lost their child because. there are no stages. It is never ending. You could be in one stage at some point. and then. at the next point you're in the complete. opposite stage and and you just have to. accept that you have to feel what you. feel when it comes. and that is just. how you have to go about it forever. >> You said that there was a part of you. that obviously. took a break obviously after all of this. and the only reason you went back was to.

experience some normal normal see and. you know, just getting into some routine. and rhythm for your life which is always. encouraged when when people go through. difficult things to feel. just like you're moving your body you're. you know, helping yourself you're going. back to doing things that that felt. familiar. How hard was it to even go back to doing. that? >> We were. I mean obviously barely able to get out. of bed. Barely able to get up and brush our.

teeth. I was we were not in a position to even. take care of our young our child. I'm. I'm so grateful for the support and the. family we had around us because. we just could not have done it. I mean. when we were first. going through it and I was 5 weeks. postpartum. So I wasn't even in. a headspace. to. get into a routine at all. I was still. trying to get used to having two kids.

>> Mhm. >> My dad was actually who came to me and. was like, "Em, you got to move your. body." My stepmom actually teaches. Pilates on the side and he would just. have her come over and help me. I would. go on walks. Um but even at at that. beginning when we first lost him, we. weren't even leaving our house because. we had people driving by, taking videos, helicopters going over our house. News were showing up constantly. I was. basically just in my home and I didn't.

want to be anywhere else in terms of I. just wanted to be in my bed at that. time. It felt impossible to get back into any. sort of routine, but then at some point. I think I felt like I don't have any. other choice. Like I have to. I have to. be the best version of myself that I can. manage right now for Trig, for my. younger son Teddy, for myself, for. Brady. Like I have to. It's not a choice. >> I've never had that experience around.

what you're saying around the news teams. and the helicopters and the. Is there a sense of like setting. boundaries in that way? Like can can you. be like, "Don't come." It feels so. invasive. Like it just feels. It's almost like this is a really tough. tragic time for someone and I just I. don't understand why that would you know. I It's Yeah, it's fascinating to me how. we as humans have normalized that. >> I think I've really. mentally blocked out. so much of that.

because I was just so focused on. what we were dealing with inside of our. home. that my mind wasn't even really. there, but I think back and I had PTSD. pretty much from so many things, but. hearing helicopters still go over my. house, I'm constantly like, "Oh, is that. going to end up. on the news?" It was completely. invasive. >> Yeah. When people talk about or.

commentate on events that they don't. have the full details over or the actual. insight over from the inside, what were the kind of things you were. hearing that were. hurtful and. kind of dehumanizing to some degree as. well because when someone's far away. from the problem but commentating on it. without understanding it, what were the. things that you were hearing or things. that you saw that really affected you? >> At the end of the day, it's hard hearing. anything that beats you up more than.

you're already beating yourself up. Nobody could say. I really try to not focus on the. negative because. nobody could say anything and I've heard. a lot of things to Brady and I. that would make us feel any more hurt. than how we already feel not having him. here. Nothing. When you lose your child, you really.

don't care about anything else besides. doing your best to get through it and. there's not even a through it. You don't. get through it. Doing your best to move. forward, I guess. Caring for your family. Like I said, I. have a younger son so that was also just. a huge and stays a huge motivation for. me of I. I have to keep going for him. I mean, just nobody could say anything. that would ever. hurt us more than we're already hurting,

but it's hard, obviously. I'm a human. It's hard to hear people make their own. assumptions, their own conclusions, draw. their conclusions about Brady, draw. their conclusions about me as a parent. But at the end of the day, I just have. to remember that these people don't know. me. and and they're never going to know me. on a a level because that's impossible. Nobody's ever going to know you on the. deepest level as the people who love you. and truly [snorts] know your heart and. know you.

And I think if anything, I find. kind of peace in that. of. the people who know us. know us. >> Mhm. >> That's really the only people you. genuinely need in your life and that you. need to understand you. Is the people who know you and love you. And everyone's entitled to their. opinion. I think that's a hard lesson. I've had to learn. So much of the. beginning, I felt so much anger towards. the public and I mean, I still do. I. think I have every right to.

But I also put myself in the shoes of. unfortunately, I would probably do the. same thing and have assumptions and have. opinions and have thoughts about what. happened. And and naturally, I think it's natural. human reaction to want to put blame on. someone. It's the only way that you can. come up with a logical reason of why it. happened or how it happened is to place. blame and I think in some ways it it. makes people feel better.

>> Mhm. >> I mean, I can't. I can't fully blame people. >> The part that really connected or. resonated at least with me was this idea. that. you're already beating yourself up. enough inside and you're already hurting. enough inside that there's nothing. anyone could say to you that could. supersede that personal blame and. personal. responsibility or pain that you're. putting on yourself when you've gone. through something like you have and that. what else would you like. people who may be.

filling in the gaps with their own. commentary or as you said, allowed to. have their opinion and. what would you like to say to them? What. would you like them to know. from your perspective? >> I could say a list of things that I wish. people knew or a list of things that I. feel like were said wrong or assumed. wrong or facts, but it just really. doesn't matter. I feel like all that. matters that I want people to know is. just how much we love Trig.

and how much we miss him. and how. trust me, we beat ourselves up every. day. We know what we could have done. differently. Hindsight really is 20/20 and I promise. you there are so many things now looking. back that I wish we did differently. The. only thing I can do. to honor Trig and to show my love for. him is.

take care of Teddy. and hopefully. help to spread awareness and. do my best to. make it so that hopefully less families. have to go through what we've gone. through. I would love to say that. I can do my best to make sure this never. happens again, but drowning is the. leading cause of death in children three. and under. I feel like there's groups of people who. hear about it often, but it's not talked about enough and I.

really want to make an effort especially. going into this year and especially. being where I am in my grief journey of. I feel a little more ready. I think I've. finally accepted that this is what took. his life. I really just. want people to know that this is. preventable. and it doesn't have to happen to you. And I mean that goes for so many. preventable accidents. That's what I. really think matters that people need to. know. There's nothing I can say that's. going to change people's minds.

and I'm not I'm not here to do that. >> When you say it took you eight months to. even accept that this was what tragedy. took his life, what what were you. wrestling with? What were you grappling. with in order to accept that? What does. that look like? >> I don't think I'll ever. fully accept what happened to him. Because although it was preventable, it. just feels so cruel. And especially that night and the way. things happened, it really felt just.

like a series. of you know, you play it back and you're. like, how did I go wrong there and and. why did I leave? And. why did this happen? Why did that. happen? It's hindsight. You go back and you. replay and think what could I do. differently? What could I change? I just think that's kind of the process. You just have to go through that. Just replaying it. To be honest, just. over and over again. Thinking about all. the things that we could have done.

differently. Thinking about the things. that we will do differently. And. I don't really know if I have an answer. for how you accept it. I think everybody. does it in their own time, but I don't. think I'll ever really accept that he's. gone. I don't think I'll ever really. accept. what took his life because it is just so. terrible. And the pain that he went through was so. terrible. But I'm just doing my best and. like I said, I don't think I'll ever.

fully accept it, but I. I acknowledge it. And I know that I can. just only do better from here. >> What kind of professionals did you go. to? What did they talk about? For people who may be going through. something similar or. struggling who are listening right now. and. I think we're not even aware of. the fact of how many people are. suffering with something similar. We're. not conscious of it until it happens. within your proximity.

What were some of the therapies, the. methods or the uh healing practices and. approaches that actually helped. >> When we. first lost Trig, pretty much immediately within about 2. weeks of us getting home, it was very. quickly, um my family found out through other. people who had suffered through child. loss, which I'm so grateful for the. amount of resources that. that even though they weren't directly.

reached out to me because I was not on. my phone, I was not on social media, I. didn't even have a phone, just for our. mental health of like, you do not need. to look at anything, you need to just. focus on yourself and your family. We. immediately after about 2 weeks went to. the care farm that I was kind of. mentioning, and they use animal therapy, just basically interacting with animals, you speak with health professionals. while you're there, licensed therapists, licensed doctors.

They're not there to heal you. Nothing's. going to be able to heal you. They're. there so that they can teach you the. best tools, and I feel like that's where I really. learned that it's never going to go. away, that I have to just coexist with this. forever, that the pain, the hurt, the heartbreak. is never going to go away. It's just going to hopefully become a. little more manageable. I can't shout. out my family enough. They They truly. are what have carried us through this.

They got us in with therapists, great. grief therapists that specialize in loss. and child loss. We're in couples counseling weekly. We've just been doing as much work as we. can because there was nothing else we. could do. I give so much credit to anybody who. works in that space because I cannot. imagine the weight that they carry. hearing the amount of things that they. do, the heartbreak, the stories. I've talked. to my husband about this before of I.

cannot imagine two parents coming into. you telling you what they've been. through. and you having to try your best to. either guide them together or help them. heal a little bit, talk them through it, or if if they choose to be apart helping. them through that in an amicable way. That has to be one of the hardest jobs. >> Yeah. >> you guys are doing. Really important work. >> Did you meet and spend time with other.

parents who'd also gone through child. loss? Was that helpful? Was that not. helpful? Was it. Did it feel too close to home? Like. >> I've had a couple moms that I've talked. to that have been. through some similar things and that has. been helpful. But at the same time, I. think that really unless you talk to. someone. that is going through the exact same. thing. at the level of exposure that we did, it.

really just felt like there's nobody to. talk to. >> Mhm. >> Who is going to relate to what I'm going. through right now, what we're going. through, what Trig went through? Like I. just it really felt impossible and so I. really haven't gotten to a point yet. where I've reached out to like support. groups, but in the future when I feel. like a little bit more time has passed I. think I would feel more ready to do. that. >> What does a good day look like right. now? A good day, your definition of one. and what does a bad day look like right. now when you're experiencing this grief?

>> I honestly don't really define my days. by if it's a good day or a bad day. I. truly like I cannot stress enough that. when you're going through child loss or. you're going through loss in general, you're really just living. minute by minute. I can't even think. about my whole day when I wake up in the. morning. I truly just go through it. like, okay. I'm going to get it what I can get done. today. I'm to do what I can do. It's. kind of two scales. Your grief is on a.

scale of one to 10 and then your level. of managing it is on a scale of one to. 10. If my grief feels like an eight that. day, but my level of managing is a 10, that's that's a goodish day for me. If. I'm having more moments throughout the. day where I just can't do what I need to. do, I'm okay with that, too. >> Mhm. >> But I would say just every day I truly. wake up like whatever however this day. goes how whatever is thrown at me, I'll. get through it. And. I literally just have to take it as it.

comes. >> I'm not even sure just. how much you know how how powerful that. advice is. It's. it's so much better than our. basic acknowledgement of whether it's a. good day or a bad day because what you. just said is. the reality of okay, grief is on a scale. of one to 10 of how much the extremity. I'm feeling it and then what's my. ability to manage it. >> Yeah, there's not good and bad days, there's good and bad moments and that's. what makes up your days. >> Mhm. >> Every day is hard. Every day is quote. unquote bad without him here. It's.

terrible. But. I still have good moments in my day. And I would be lying if I said that I. don't still have some joy and some. happiness. Like my younger son brings me. so much joy and so much happiness. But. I'm also simultaneously sad and empty. >> Mhm. >> And that's why I just say you you really. have to learn and you quickly do learn. that everything coexists. And that's. just the way it is. >> Sharing your life, sharing your journey,

sharing everything online is your work. Even though it may be joyful and fun in. moments that it's it's still work. What. has it been like going back to work. while still grieving? And what do people. misunderstand about that? >> I've had to set kind of like I said at. the beginning a lot of boundaries. of just really taking it day by day of. whatever I'm comfortable sharing, I'll. share. And if I'm not comfortable, I'm. not sharing it. And it's hard seeing.

people genuinely say, "Oh, you're fine. Oh, you've already gotten over it. Oh, you you seem like you're doing. great.". It's like this is my job. I'm going. through it like a job. I Any job you. have to show up, you have certain. expectations that have to be met. And. it's also a creative outlet for me. So, naturally, sometimes when I'm doing my. job, I am in an okay headspace and I'm. just doing my best to. kind of distract myself and get through.

it, but that is not a representation of. my whole day or my grief. Social media. shouldn't be anyone's representation of. anything because at the end of the day, it's always, even if you share the good, the bad, the hard, it's what you're. choosing to share, always. Unless. someone had a 24-hour. camera going, you you'll just never understand what. what it's like inside someone's brain. who's lost a child.

>> Yeah. >> I also can't fault people for that. because you're seeing what I'm choosing. to show you. And so, I really do accept, in a way, and it's taken me time, the hate that I get, the feedback that I. get because I don't expect people to. understand. They never will understand. I would rather share, quote-unquote, not. enough in their eyes, or I would rather. look, quote-unquote, not sad enough, or. whatever their expectation is, and feel. like I'm protecting myself and my family. and my inner deepest, darkest parts of.

my grief, and save that for the people, the professionals, that are truly going. to understand and be able to walk me and. talk me through it and support me. >> People on social media can't be your. therapist and can't be your guides and. can't be. >> And they shouldn't be. >> Yeah, and then it's not their role. exactly what you just said. It's a It's. a. It's a great mindset to have to. understand that that's not their role. and. and that there are people that you were. seeing in order to experience that. And. at the same time, I. I do really, really wish for the world.

that. especially in moments that are not. divisive, it's it's easier to be kinder. We've. talked about you being someone who's. gone through extreme loss, grief, and going through guilt, shame. Then there's the added component of your. work. But then there's the added. component of parenting while you're also. grieving the loss of a child. Talk to me about that particular type of. grief. >> I've gone through so many. different emotions with parenting since.

we lost Trig. And just being completely. honest, feeling. not good enough, feeling unfit, feeling like. feeling scared. Losing a child really shows you. in the scariest, most real way possible. just how quickly life can change and how. quickly life can be literally taken. away.

And I think that really scared me with. Teddy. There's so many things in my control. that I can do, preventative measures I. can take, ways I can be better. I mean, there's a list of things as a parent. that you can do to protect your. children. But there's also so many. stories and stories that I heard after. we lost Trig. where I was like, that was completely. freak accident, not preventable. And. that's an element that's been hard, and. parenting him is realizing that there's.

only so much I can control. I always tried to remind myself that. I have a choice to make. I can either. let this. completely derail me more than it. already has. and. not really feel like I'm fit or able to. take care of my younger son or I can do. everything in my power to be the best. mom I possibly can for him.

And give him the same love. that Trig had and has. And I made a promise to Trig right. before we lost him that I was going to. take care of Teddy. That was actually like my final promise. to him was like, "I will take care of. your brother." Because at that time I. felt like I couldn't. It really just was too much. It felt I. could I couldn't even take care of. myself. But that has kept me going of I made a.

promise. I'm going to fulfill it. And. I'm going to give Teddy the best life I. possibly can. And that means. showing up for him, showing up for. myself, doing everything I possibly can to. make sure that that happens. >> Mhm. >> This is actually something that did make. me really sad when we lost Trig was. so many people naturally said. "Oh, Teddy's going to have such a. terrible life. He's never going to have.

the same parents that he did.". So many comments. And it's true. He's. never going to have the same parents. Trig has. We are fundamentally changed. by this. But I will be even better. And I think I almost took that as. motivation of I will give him the best. life I possibly can. I will be the best. mom I possibly can to him. >> I'm so sorry you had to go through that. as well. I really love what you're saying. And.

you are accepting that you will be that. you are fundamentally different. But that doesn't mean you can't be. better and and can't give more love and. those two things again can coexist. That you have changed, that you are. different, that. you won't ever be the same person that. you were before naturally, but. that doesn't take away from the fact. that you absolutely love Teddy and want. to give him the best life that he could. possibly have. When I was thinking about today and. thinking about our conversation, I I was. just thinking about all the.

multiple layers of loss, grief, pain. that that exist in in someone's. experience. And I think the other part. of pain for you is having to. go through grief while someone else is. grieving, too. Talk to me about how it feels for you. grieving while. the person that you're parenting with is. also grieving. >> [sighs]. >> We've. really done our best to.

grieve together. and to talk through. every emotion. and every feeling. And I really give. Brady so much. empathy and. respect. I have so much respect for him, honestly, and I think that would maybe. shock people, but. he has. allowed me to take out every emotion.

I've had throughout this process, whether it's on him or talking to him. or with other people. And. I just have so much respect for that of. how much he has just let me feel every. emotion, and he's never made me feel bad. for it. He's going through so much as. well. And like I said, we are the only. two people that can understand. at all what the other person is going.

through. And so I just really in a. situation where a lot of people would. say, "I could never forgive my husband. I could never stay married to him. I. could never this, that, the other.". He let me feel all of those emotions. It's been really hard at times to grieve. together. To be honest, there was a time. where I was just. I mean, from the beginning, so felt so.

angry at him. >> Mhm. >> Of literally, I don't know if I will. ever forgive this man. But, I think the biggest thing that really. kind of altered literally my brain. chemistry in the way I thought about it. was. this could have just as easily happened. to me. >> Mhm. >> This could have just as easily been me. in Brady's position. Brady was taking care of our newborn. child. When I left for dinner that night, he. was defrosting my breast milk,

trying to get Teddy settled, 5-week-old. baby. And that doesn't excuse anything. It doesn't excuse what happened. It. doesn't excuse any of the series of. events after that. But, taking that. accountability along with all the other. things I know I could have changed gave. me so much true, deep, real, raw empathy. for him of this could have been me. Even. if I got to a point where I could not. stay married to him. Even if I accepted.

that of. if there is a chance that we don't stay. together, this was when we first lost. Trig, that I felt this way. I would be able to forgive him because I. would so deeply want him to forgive me. And to know that I didn't mean for it to. happen. And that's exactly how I feel for Brady. I really just have so much empathy and. love for him, and he is so strong, and. I'm really proud of us, honestly, and. how we've grieved together through all.

the therapy we've done that I feel like. we've really been given tools that even. though our grief is so separate, we have really done our best to come. together. And even if we grieve. separately at times and we each have our. moments because I think that's healthy, too. You naturally don't sit and really. all the time grieve with your partner. You do, but there's so many moments. throughout the day where you guys are. feeling different emotions. One's at a. 10, one's at an eight. And it's not each. other's job to balance it out. Your job.

is to let your partner feel what they. need to feel and then be there for them. through every emotion. And I'm really. proud of us that I feel like we've done. that. And just done our best truly to really. remember that all we have is each other. in terms of understanding what we've. been through and how much we love and. miss him. >> Thank you for being so. transparent about the reality of.

every emotion that any human would feel. naturally in that situation and. and even the resolution that you've. personally come to, where it being the. respect and the. empathy and the understanding. You've. got such a big heart. You just got such a big heart. It's. actually really um. extremely healing listening to you. because it's it's something we're all. working on in our own way with the. people closest to us. You're just. working on it in the most extreme way. I'm happy and thankful that you feel. that way with each other and that you've.

been able to express every feeling and. be every version of yourself and. even allow yourself to have the thought. of. can I forgive? Is this going to work? And then finding resolution through. that. And I'm assuming that there's been times. when you've needed to rely on each. other, as you said, because you're the. only ones who can understand. And times. when you've needed to rely on family. beyond that. >> My husband really is the only person, one of the only people besides.

licensed professionals that I I really. feel comfortable feeling every. emotion of grief. >> Mhm. >> I think that's natural because we raised. Trig. We love him with every fiber of. our being. That's the only possible. person that's going to understand the. love and the miss and the hurt and the. heartbreak and the void. of losing your child. And so, naturally.

we have the most deep profound. emotional conversations with each other. because it's usually us coming together. about how much we miss him or a memory. that made us think of him that day or. just all the conflicting emotions of. what happened and what we've been. through and the feelings that we feel. I would hope and I think I'm the same. way for him. is we're really the only two people that. we feel like we can truly. be open and vulnerable with.

>> Mhm. >> on that level every day. >> Have you found that helpful to talk. about Trig naturally whenever he comes. to both of your minds and. >> Yeah, I love to talk about him. It. obviously makes me sad. But. he truly was and is such a light. And although so many people didn't get. the. literal honor of meeting him, anyone he came across in his life, I. mean, we still have his teachers reach.

out to us and they're like, "We love him. so much and this reminded us of him. today.". And. yeah, it's really helpful. I From the. beginning, Brady and I told our families. like, "I never want a world. and I never want Teddy to grow up in a. world where. this is an avoided conversation because. even though it's a hard conversation and. it leads to a bigger conversation, I'm. sure Teddy's going to have so many. questions as he gets older.

Um I never want a world where people. don't talk about him. And I feel the same way for. sometimes negativity talked about us. surrounding him of. if you're talking about him and you're. spreading awareness. really that's all that matters to me. I just don't want him to ever be. forgotten. And he won't be. And having daily conversations in our. house, I've added so many photos around.

our house of him because I just want his. face to be everywhere and I don't want. it to ever be something that Teddy or. anybody is ever. questioning what he looks like or. who he is. We've really made an effort. that he's constantly brought up. My. friends know it too. If I see something. that reminds me of him, I'm always like, "Oh my gosh, Trick would have loved. that." Or "This is what he would be. [clears throat] saying." Because he. really just was such a funny kid and so. loving and.

just the best. And I know everyone says. that about their kid, but he was just. the best. >> When you lose someone you so deeply love. what are. for you. hurtful things people say and what are. helpful things people say? >> It's a good question. >> Cuz I think when people lose someone, no. one knows really what to say. >> I think one of the most hurtful and. confusing things people can say is. anything in the realm. And everyone has. their own beliefs, but anything in the.

realm of he's in a better place or. this is just what was supposed to happen. because it wasn't. It was preventable. It wasn't supposed to happen. The best place he could be is here with. his family, with his little brother. growing up. That's the best place he. could be. I think that's always hurtful and people. kind of use it as a band-aid of like. he's in a better place, it's okay. No, he's not. This is a child that had an entire life.

ahead of him, so many memories, so many. things that he was looking forward to, we were looking forward to, he didn't. get to experience yet. So, saying that. to any parent who's gone through child. loss, at least in my experience, is just. very hurtful and unhelpful. That's the last thing a a grieving. parent wants to hear. All you want to. hear when you lose your child is I'm so. sorry and he deserves to be here. or they deserve to be here and I wish. you weren't having to go through this.

and I wish he hadn't gone had to go. through this. That's the only. the only things that they don't help, but they make you feel loved and. comforted. >> What have I not asked you today that you. wish I did? >> The main thing I hope people can take. away from what Trip went through and. what our family went through is just. once again that it's preventable. To. please, if you have a pool and you have. a young child, get a pool fence. I know. there's other options. I was there.

I chose an app. I regret it. Having as many barriers to entry is. what's important. So, that's swim. lessons, that's ISR lessons. I have. Teddy starting ISR as soon as he. possibly can. >> What is ISR, sorry for? >> It's swim training for young children so. that they can learn survival techniques, whether that's floating on their back if. they're too young to be able to swim. They usually teach them in fully clothes. so that they, if they're in any.

situation, they can figure it out. Um. and it just gives them the the. that there's time, there's more time. for someone to come find them. The biggest lesson is always going to be. watch your kids. Don't take your eye off. them. I don't care what anybody says, that's not 100% realistic. Every parent. gets distracted. Every parent has things. that naturally. you could be going to the bathroom. that you have a moment where your eye. isn't on your child. Make sure that you.

have every other barrier so that God. forbid something happens, you're able to. act and they're not in a position. where. they can lose their life. And I really feel like that is. is the most important thing I hope. people take away from what happened to. Traigas just to please. protect your kids. >> There are many reasons why I wanted to. speak today. One was. to truly get to understand what you've. gone through and to.

expand. our compassion and heart and empathy. towards you and and love towards you and. and also just this. wonderful service that you have and. purpose that you have to want to make. people aware. using your loss and pain that you've. gone through to actually help others and. keep them aware and. I think it's really. really powerful that you've chosen to do. that. A loss like this can make you want to be. 100% vigilant.

and and 100% like just never leave you. know, Teddy's side in this scenario. And. obviously that's not only not realistic, it it's not possible. >> Obviously that's. best case scenario. That's the whole. point of any any sort of prevention or. barriers or anything. I mean, I'm. specifically talking about pool safety, but that's not the only thing that. can get hurt children, that can affect. them. That's actually a a that you can use in.

your favor is knowing and being honest. with yourself, honestly, of. there is no possible way for me to. always have my eye on them. And I know. people might take that and be like, "No, I have my eye on my child 100% of the. time.". I don't know, you might think you do, but there's always lapses in judgment. There's always things that distract us. in life. There's always things that can. happen, and that's that's the biggest. lesson is. even if you think it will never happen.

to you, it can happen to you. It can. None of us are special. None of us. can control. little tiny choices and things that can. make up the whole picture. It's hard. when parenting. I I did feel that, and I. do feel that still, of. I never want to take my eye off of him, and I I will do my best, everything in. my power, to make sure I am always.

there when he needs me. But as a parent, you you just can't. Sometimes you have to. go to work. or leave your child in someone else's. care. And I mean, the the the only thing. you can do is trust. Trust that you've. done everything you can, they'll do. everything they can. And I mean, that's been a hard a hard. thing for me to process because it does. feel. especially in those first. few months, especially, of I'm never I.

can't leave his side. But I also just have realized over time. that's not realistic. It's not healthy. And I just have to trust that. I'm going to do everything I can. I do know a mom who went through a very. similar situation. About a month after we lost Trig, I. talked to her for the first time. And I asked her, "Are you so scared of water? Are you so. scared of the pool?".

And her answer shocked me that she was. like, "No.". "Because I know. that I I will do everything I possibly. can to make sure that that never happens. again.". And and not just kind of again just. rewired me where I was like. "As much as you wish this never. happened, as much as you're constantly. overthinking everything you could have. done differently, that's all you can do. is change and be better. Make sure it. doesn't happen again." Same with other. parents who they're not even going.

through it, they're bystanders or. they're hearing about the story. That's. all you can do is make sure it doesn't. happen to you because it can. And and. when it does happen to you, that's. really what makes you realize, "Oh, this. stuff. can happen and it does happen all of the. time.". I mean, it will still scare you, but. instead of letting that deter you, let. it motivate you. That. you know it can happen, so do everything. you can. Fight like hell to make sure. that it doesn't happen again. Make sure that you have your kids in the.

swim lessons. Make sure that you have a. pool fence. Make sure that you have a. sensor in your pool. Make sure that you. have door alarms. Make sure that you. have. automatic closers on your sliding doors. Make sure the handles are high up. enough. Do everything you can so that it. doesn't happen again. >> Jen, your name, I'm just so sorry for. your loss and also just. not only did you not deserve it, you. didn't either and neither did your. family and so. I I I really hope that parents who. listen to this will share with others. and.

people who want to be parents will be. thoughtful about these things and. really thankful that you're using your. voice and the challenges and struggle. you've been through to help others. So, because. it's so important, so needed. So, thank. you, Emily. Thank you so much. >> Thank you for giving me the platform. You have a larger platform than I do and. and I'm really grateful that. I'm able to be here and talk about all. of these really important things because. I I really do just hope it will. get across more people and.

will be on their radar. And. yeah, I'm just I'm really grateful that. you had me here and that I got to talk. to you. I was. excited to talk to you and just kind of. hear your perspectives on different. things and. um. yeah. >> The beautiful lessons you've given us. today in. how grief never really goes away, how grief can coexist with joy, with. love, with reminiscing, and how you want to continue to. celebrate the light that Trig is and.

continues to be in all the people that. knew him and all the people that will. continue to know him through his story. >> Yeah. >> And so, yeah, thank you, Emily. >> Thank you. >> Thank you so much. If you connected with. today's episode, check out my raw and. honest talk with the one and only Cardi. B. She opens up about overcoming. depression and how she balanced rising. to fame and creating [music] a life for. her children. >> But you can't tell me I'm a I'm I'm a. bad mom. I'm. a great mom. If I'm good at something,

it's being a mom.