Dating Expert: The Question To Ask That Will Save You Years of Wasted Time | Sara Al Madani

Toxic people are consistent, you know. That's the beautiful thing about them. They never change. >> What should be a dealbreaker in dating? >> My BS eliminator is having that. straightforward conversation from day. one. And if the man runs away, he's not. ready for a serious relationship. >> What do you think is the difference. between someone who wants a relationship. and someone who needs a relationship? >> If I need you, that means I am operating. from lack. Are you what you're trying to. manifest? Because you cannot attract. what you're not.

Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's. guest is going to dive into the topic. that I know is on your hearts and minds. the most. Love, dating, relationships, the part of our life that brings so much. joy, but equally can create so much. pain. Today's guest is someone I've been. excited to have on the show. I finally. have her in the hot seat. Her name is. Sara Al- Madani. She's an entrepreneur, author who transformed her own pain into. powerful guidance for others. Sara is.

known for exposing the hidden patterns. of toxic relationships. If you've ever. felt confused, controlled, or. disconnected from yourself, Sara will. help you understand why and teach you to. identify narcissistic behavior, break. trauma bonds, and heal the parts of you. that were taught to settle for less. If. you don't follow Sara on social media. already, I know you will after this. episode. And if you're interested, you. can grab her copy of Dear Narcissist. This is the book that I want you to go.

and grab. We'll put the link in the. comments and we'll be talking about it. throughout the episode. Please welcome. to OnPurpose, S Al Madani. Sara, it is. great to have you here. >> I manifested this on my birthday. So on. my birthday, I was like, I'm going to be. on Jay's show and here I am. >> When was your birthday? >> 20th of Jan. >> That's amazing. And that was this year. You had this vision. >> Yeah. Yeah. And everyone was like, "Oh, you're crazy." I'm like, "No, because. I'm a manifesttor, so I knew it was. going to happen." And here it is. >> I love that. Well, I've wanted to have. you on for a long time. >> I'm honored. I So, I just was waiting.

for you to manifest because I've been. wanting to have you on. I've been. following you for years and I've always. stopped to listen to what you have to. say because I think there have been so. many moments where I've just found, oh, this is the right thing to send to. someone and this is the right thing. that's going to resonate with someone. And so, I'm I'm a big fan of yours and I. love the work you're doing. I love the. way in which you do it. You also. [laughter]. >> there's so many things I want to talk. about today. >> But the first thing I want to talk about. is right now we're experiencing all of. our listeners and I'm sure you. experienced this. People feel lonely. They feel disconnected. They feel like.

they want love in their life. They want. to find the right person. They want to. find the right partner. What should. someone be asking themselves before they. start dating? It's an understatement of. we know how people say I want this kind. of guy or that kind of girl. I want to. manifest this kind of love or that kind. of love. The true question that a lot of. people don't actually look deep into is. are you what you're trying to manifest? If you want a successful man, are you.

successful? If you want a kind, loving. man, are you kind and loving? If you. want hardworking person, are you the. things you want to get? Because you. cannot attract what you're not. And I. think this is something that people. don't pay attention to. They just don't. want to put in the work. They just want. to get it easy. But that's not how life. works because in the end, you will. attract who you are from the inside. So. if you're broken, you will attract. broken people. I used to think I don't. hurt anybody. I'm such a nice person. I'm making money. I'm working hard. You. know, I'm a single mom. Life is great. I.

don't have traumas. I've been through a. hell and back, but I'm okay now. But I. want someone good. And every time I went. out there and I opened my heart, I. attracted something bad. Not knowing. that the reason I attracted bad things. is because even though trauma sometimes. is not loud, it's hiding, but it crawls. around in situations and shows up as. triggers or like in your decisions or. choices you take. And this is where good. people don't understand that even if. you're good, you still need to do the.

work. Even if you're good, you still. need to be whoever you want to attract. So, I think that's something people. don't want to look deep into. >> I really appreciate that distinction. I'd never thought about it like that. Yeah. Like what you just said that. people are good people and they're. wondering why bad things happen to them. or why they end up with the wrong. partner or the wrong person. And I. couldn't agree with you more that I. think that when you're doing that work, you naturally set better standards and. you naturally don't deal or accept less. than you deserve. Because if you're.

already happy, successful, organized, joyful, ambitious, whatever those. qualities are, you know what it takes to. be that. And so now when you meet. someone, that person can either match. your energy or they're going to show. where their gap is. And it becomes. really relevant. What do you think is. the difference between someone who wants. a relationship and someone who needs a. relationship? >> Look, want comes from abundance. It. means that I have nothing missing. I. want you for who you are. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm fulfilled. I don't need.

anything from you. There's no hidden. agenda. But if I need you, that means I. am operating from lack. So there is a. hidden agenda. It means that okay, maybe. I want to be with you cuz you make me. happy. Maybe I want to be with you. because you financially fulfill me. Maybe I want to be with you for whatever. reason it is. Ne is not a good reason to. obtain something. I need to I I. shouldn't need you. I should want you. I. always try to teach people this and it's. hard because we've been taught growing. up that we need love and we need and we.

need to be in a relationship, we need. kids, we need all of these things, but. we actually don't. We're here to. experience life. Whether love or. children is part of the experience, great. Whether it's not, you should be. content with yourself. Only when you are. content and you don't need anybody, this. is when you actually bond with someone. and you purely love them. But if you. need them, it's like there is always a. hidden agenda. And once that need is. fulfilled, you feel like you're. disconnected from them because you. didn't really want to be with them from. the get-go. You just needed something.

from them. So this is why I always say, be whoever you want to date. Be whoever. you need for yourself and then go out. there and get whatever you want. >> It's hard because we've been programmed. all our life not to think like that. So. imagine after 30 something years, I'm. trying to change the way I think. Neuroscience, they say neuropaths can be. created in 21 days. So you can, it's not. impossible. We just have to remove the. limiting belief that and that's the. hardest part. >> What's a dating non-negotiable you have. today that would shock your younger.

self? What has changed for you that you. would have negotiated with before? >> When I was younger, and I think a lot of. people will agree, I thought mysterious. men were so sexy. [laughter]. I thought the more mystery, the more. beautiful it is, the more But now, no. If I could look at my younger self and I. go like that's unattractive. Clarity is. attractive. mystery and not. understanding where you stand with. someone or who they are or what they do. It's not attractive. It's actually such. a turnoff because it shows you the. person is not aligned and the person is. not a leader and not transparent and.

honest. That's something like if I look. at myself, every time I used to see a. guy who's mysterious, I'm like, "Oh my. god, that's so hot." Now, now it's like. uh biggest red flag ever. >> Is there a part of you that's still like. >> I killed every part of me [laughter]. that wanted that. So, no. But it's. important to reflect back like that. because I think we can all remember a. past version of ourself and how we were. either trained or conditioned to be. attracted to a certain type of person. and how that changes over time as you. grow and you mature and that's proof of.

what you just said that you date who you. are or who you become. Totally. >> Because you're saying, "Oh, as I've. grown, my taste has changed.". >> Yeah. I think we've all experienced that. in different areas of our life that as. we grew older, as we matured, as we. became wiser, our taste changed in so. many things. So why not in people, but. it feels like we keep going back to the. same people. For so many years when. before doing the inner work and all. that, my taste was changing as in like. looks wise, heightwise, whatever they do. in lifewise, but it was still the same.

man in different bodies. That's it. So. it was the same toxic traits. I think. it's because we attract what's familiar. to us. They say better the devil I know. than the angel I don't know, right? Cuz. I know how to deal with the devil. I. know where it ends. I know this is not. forever. I know the hurt and the pain. that comes with it. This is why I kept. on going to what's familiar. I remember. when I finished doing the inner work and. finished my healing, I was like even. looking at pictures of my exes, I'm. like, what was I thinking? But it's. trauma bonding. So a lot of people might.

think, oh no, I was in love. I really. love reflecting on old relationships and. I would love people to also sit and. reflect on their old relationships after. doing the work. do this game where you. put their names and you write why were. you attracted to them and you realize. where were you trauma bonding and only. when you can pinpoint these things is. where you grow Jay because a lot of us. we throw ourselves into healing it's. like walking into a supermarket and. saying I want to bake a cake can you. help me it's like what cake do you want. to bake I need to give you the right. ingredients so when people go to do the.

inner work they just throw themselves. into healing not knowing what are they. healing from where did all this all. start the root of it all so people don't. It's so deep. They just want to heal the. surface. My last relationship, the rel. relationship before, but all of this. starts way from childhood. Doesn't start. from a relationship, right? I mean, it's. an entangled thing to do the inner work, but it's not easy, but it's such a. fulfilling, rewarding thing to do. >> What's the difference in your mind. between compatibility and chemistry?

Chemistry is tricky because I cannot. depend on chemistry because it's. hormonal. It's endorphins. It's you meet. somebody, excitement. Last year, I. learned that when you're nervous on a. date or when you're feeling all these. things, it's actually a red flag. It. means your nervous system is not calm. It's trying to tell you something. But. we the movies and they taught us that to. interpret them as butterflies and. they're the right one and that's how it. should feel like. A friend of mine once. told me a quote that actually made me.

sit at home for hours and think about my. life so much. She told me, "Don't look. for a firecracker. Look for a. fireplace." Firecracker is when you have. like all these butterflies in your. stomach. And that's not a good thing. You should look for a fireplace. The. boring guy, the calm guy, that's your. guy, you know? And it took me time to. realize that, but chemistry is tricky. because it might be misleading. compatibility is more sexy for me and. it's more long-lasting. I treat.

relationships as business. So a business. partner that has so much money or an. investor and they have so many companies. chemistry very attractive but if there's. no compatibility in the way we think our. ethics and morals, I'm investing my. money and I'm throwing everything out. down the drain because it's not going to. go anywhere. It's not a good investment. I look at compatibility and if there's. compatibility, chemistry can come later. I don't need to have chemistry from the. get-go. >> Yeah. >> I don't know if you noticed. Have you. ever watched movies where you were like. watching the main character and you're.

like, "They don't look that good." And. then halfway through the movie, you're. like, "Oh my god, they're so hot." It's. because you fell in love with the. character in the movie, right? But it. just shows you chemistry can be delayed. It's not a prerequisite. >> Yeah. I love the fireplace and. firecracker analogy because I feel like. it's all about the feeling you get from. being in that person's presence. And. when you said that, I was thinking a. fireplace can actually be beautiful. It's not boring at all and it makes you. feel warm and it has this sense that you.

want to be around it. Like if you see a. nice fireplace, you usually want to go. sit next to it. You have beautiful. conversations while it's there. Like. you're really present around a. fireplace. True. >> Whereas if you think about a. firecracker, you you crack it for one. moment. You experience it and then it's. over and it's done. Love is almost like. I want to see that person first thing in. the morning and I want to be around them. at the end of the day. I want to see. them when I have the best news to share. and I love that they're there for me. when the worst things happening and. totally. >> I can't wait to come home to them and at.

the same time I'm really excited when I. see them every day. Like it's so much. more about peace and comfort and warmth. which the fireplace. >> versus this quick big bang. No, no one. ever says that about love. Like when you. really talk about someone you love, like. even if it's a family member or a. friend, you don't really talk about it. in that way, but we do with love. >> Yeah. >> You keep talking about the inner work. and you mentioned it a few times. already. What is inner work? Because. people throw themselves into it as you. said on a relationship, whatever. But I.

think also people throw that word. around. We just say, "Oh, do the inner. work." But what is inner work? >> The word inner work and healing is. trending like kale and avocado and. matcha. You know what I mean? Everybody. has a tattoo of it or it's in their bio. on Instagram. But as cute it it is. seeing that growing and there's like. this woke culture and everybody's. talking about it. It's so important to. live, not to exist. And if you're not. doing the inner work, you're just. existing. What is the inner work? The. inner work is going deep down inside.

removing all the masks that life and. society and everything you went through. had to put on your face and you lost. your identity throughout the way. Doing. the inner work is removing mask by mask, mask by mask until you finally reach who. you truly are. So basically who are you. before people told you who to be, how to. be or what to be. Who are you really. before this conditioning? And I always. say we are born with blueprints. My name. is Sarah. That's my religion. This is my.

family. That's my country. This is what. I eat. This is wrong. This is right. So, I'm born already with a blueprint. Who. am I beyond that blueprint? Who am I. beyond that? Yes and no. And this is. wrong. And this is the curiosity I want. people to have. And the only way to find. the light is to claim the corridor. And. if the corridor is messy and there's. trauma and there's all these things, can. you live a life without doing the inner. work? You can. But I don't call it. living. I call it existing because. there's much more to life after healing.

Like the grass is greener where healing. is the inner work. How do you do it? It. doesn't matter how do you do it. Some. people go to therapy. Some people do. hypnotherapy. Some people do plant. medicine. Some people do whatever it. takes to find your way back home. And. what is home? Home is you. This body, you know, I used to hear it all the. time. I never understood it until I sat. down and went deep spiritually. When. people say um we are a fragment of God. like my soul is a piece of God therefore. this body is a temple I always thought.

it was a metaphor metaphor beautiful by. God how how beautiful is this saying. until I realized oh crap God does live. inside this temple and this is the. temple so now I'm more careful about. where I take this temple who touches. this temple who gets in this temple how. I treat this temple because it's like. where are you dragging God to. >> I want people to go deep I want them to. be curious I want them to declutter, to. remove all the darkness, so they can. find the light. And the light is to go. back home, back home to this. And this.

is not home until you remove everything. that's distracting you, everything. that's in the way of the light. But I. cannot pinpoint one thing, Jay, and tell. you this is the recipe to heal. No, whatever you're doing, as long as you're. doing it, just go out there and try. >> I appreciate that take on inner work. It's before the world told you who you. are, what you are, >> who are you. >> Yeah. Why you should be. And it's so. true. I think about that all the time of. how many of our values are adopted and. inherited versus chosen.

>> Yeah. >> And so many relationships don't work out. because you have an inherited value and. your partner has an inherited value and. you both don't even care about that. value, >> but you both believe in it because it. came from each other's parents. And now. here you are dealing with someone else's. inherited problem and it's almost like. an inherited disease where you end up. having something and now it's affecting. your life today but you didn't get to. choose but with your values you actually. get to choose. You actually get to. decipher whether they exist or not. And.

>> it almost feels easier and more. comfortable not to do inner work. >> What was the first step of inner work. that you did? What did you see when you. started to do it? >> All my life I've been in five. relationships. Okay. Two of them were. marriages that didn't work out. And I. was just confused. The first marriage, the second marriage, the relationship. after that. And after that, I was like, there's something weird because I feel. like I'm with a different man, but I. feel like I'm with the same men. And I. didn't understand anything about. narcissism or toxic relationships. Back.

then, I didn't have a lot of information. online and podcasts and all that and. awareness. When you're curious, you go. deep. Like, you enter the rabbit hole. And I was like, why? what's happening. here? Instead of me focusing on, oh my. god, they're bad. They're this. Pointing. the finger and being a victim all the. time, which a lot of us do because it's. comfortable to be a victim. I didn't. hurt anybody, they hurt me. Look at me. I'm the broken one. I realized being a. victim does not serve me, does not make. me grow, doesn't get me anywhere. And.

only when I started pointing the finger. on myself, because it takes two to. tango, where did I go wrong? What did I. do? Where's my contribution to this? Because I need to grow out of this. And. only Then I started looking at my life. differently and like looking into. healing. My my journey started with some. therapy. I just did not like after every. therapy session the therapist like see. you next week. See you next week. See. you next week. I'm like but I feel like. I need you now. I feel like I'm. depending on you. How am I learning? And. I'm a very stubborn personality. Ever.

since I was a kid. So I was always. curious and asking questions. So I was. like why? Why? See you next week. See. you next week. It was a bit expensive. I. was young. I had my own business at at. that time. Insurance did not cover that. So I was like, why do I keep going back? And then I was like, okay, let me now. that the therapist pinpointed what's. wrong. Let me move to something else. So. I went to hypnotherapy. And after. hypnotherapy, I went into spiritual. healing and I went into meditation and I. went into this and this and tried so. many things. This is why I'm trying to. tell you if you tell me which one of.

them worked, I tell you all. So there is. no right recipe or a location map I can. drop you so you can come to the healing. space. It's anything you try, anything. you do for yourself is valid and can. help you in some way. And once your. heart is open to that topic or that. journey, everything comes to you. Like. people call me up, hey, you want to go. to this retreat and then this post comes. online. It's like Instagram's algorithm. You know, when you go on your for you. page on Instagram, >> if I want to know Jay, all I have to do.

is go on your for you page and I would. know exactly what type of person you are. because of the algorithm. Similar thing. with the universe. Whatever you think, whatever you believe, it becomes your. algorithm. You attract it just like. Instagram for you page. Once you set. your goal and your mind to do the inner. work, the way just shows up. Once you. start walking, just the way shows up. >> The number one thing you said in your. answer that resonated really deeply was. inner work started the moment you. stopped pointing the finger outwards and.

took responsibility. I think that is the. definition of the first phase of inner. work is being able to say this is where. I'm responsible for my own pain. This is. where I'm responsible for my own. suffering. This is where I'm responsible. for my own choices. >> And that's not saying you're taking the. blame. I think the word blame is bad. both ways. You don't want to blame. anyone else, but you definitely don't. want to start blaming yourself. So when. you can take responsibility and. accountability,

now you can actually make progress. because now you've transformed life to. what you can control. You can control. what you do and what you did and how you. behave and what your beliefs are. >> and you can't control how someone treats. you no matter how good you are, >> but you can decide how long you tolerate. it and how long you accept it for. How. does someone today set their standards? You have to first understand what are. you okay with. And I think the biggest. blessing in my life was not knowing what. I wanted was knowing what I did not want.

because that gave me so much clarity. because when you do the healing and you. do the work, it's like you're meeting. yourself for the first time. So I. remember I took time away from people so. I can get to know myself. I used to know. the old me, how she reacts, how she. thinks. After the healing I'm like okay. so what does she do now? How should she. react now? So, it's like a blank page. and you get to meet who you are and you. get to mold her to the best version or. him to the best version. I feel like. boundaries and and how you set the tone.

or what's okay with you, what's not, what do you want, what's not, it all. depends on you. It depends on your. expectation in life. What how do you. value relationship? What you look at, what do you want the most? Like what is. your love language? So, it differs from. person to another. For example, I don't. think love is a feeling. Okay? Because. like children, they're when they're. born, they're pure. They love. everything. Animals, they love. everything. They don't need you to. provide to to to be successful. They.

don't need you to have a label or. anything. It's like love is God's. language. So, we're born with it. It's. natural. It's like even if I meet. someone in the street, I don't need to. know you to love you. I I love you on on. a certain level, right? But for me, love. in a relationship is a decision. It's a. decision to stick to the person whether. things get hard or not. That's why they. say in sickness and health and rich and. poor that all these things because it's. a decision. If I decide to be with you. whether things are the way I want or.

not, I have to stick to my decision. Similar to if I invest in a business, I. cannot right now as a CEO and an. investor say I don't feel like going to. work today. You can't. You don't show. up, it dies. You don't show up, people. vote you out. You don't show up, things. don't work out. Similar to how you feed. energy into a business, marriage, relationship is a business. If you don't. show up every day, it's not going to. work. It's like bread. You have to bake. it fresh every morning. Otherwise, it's. not going to work. And people feel so.

comfortable in relationships. They feel. like, okay, once I got the kids, once I. got married, I don't need to put the. work. And then they complain, oh, what's. the secret to a long relationship? How. come your marriage is working and mine. is not? It's because George, Jenna, the. same amount of energy you put into your. business, into your work, put it into. your relationship. It's as simple as. that. >> It's an investment. Yeah. >> It's definitely a decision because. emotions go up and down. Like, have you. ever felt like, you know, you love your. parents to death, right? But sometimes.

you feel like you just can't stand them. You just want you just want to, Mom, get. away from me, mom. You know, not today. But I love her. Which means if if my. relationship depends on my feelings, one. day I'm up, one day I'm down, it. fluctuates. Emotions are unsteady. But. if I made the decision, whether I'm. feeling it or not, I will show up. because I made that decision. So love is. a decision. It's beyond an emotion. Big. news. Juny just launched at Kroger and. we're celebrating with a free can for. you. Because most of us hit that point.

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[snorts] feel like people have deal. breakers in dating right now. Yeah. >> What do you think is a healthy way of. knowing what a deal breaker is or what. is a deal breaker in dating? What should. be a dealbreaker in dating? >> A deal breaker. Okay, let me explain to. you how I date first. So, >> I want to know. >> from the get-go, I sit down. I do not. waste your time or mine out of respect. for both. Right? So, I'll sit with a guy. and I'll be very honest. I say, "Listen, >> I'm 40 next year, okay? I don't have. time. I've been married twice. I'm a.

single mom. I want to settle down. I. don't know how long I'm fertile for. Okay. So, I want to start a family. What. do you want? And the thing is, a lot of. men run away because they think I'm. saying I want that with you. No, no, no. I don't want that with you. I just met. you. I don't want that with you. I want. that in the future, whether it's with. you or with someone else. So, my BS. eliminator is having that. straightforward conversation from day. one, you know, and if the man runs away, then he's a boy. He's not ready for a. serious relationship. Because even if he.

didn't want this, you can still sit and. have an honest conversation about it, right? If he sits and talks about it, I'm like, "Okay, there's potential. there. He's mature enough to hold a. heavy conversation like this." I believe. in honesty from the get-go. I believe in. in transparency. I don't believe in. wasting your time or mine three, four, five dates, dinners, and all that. Why? Why am I going through all of this? The. only thing I can't take back is time. And because I have respect for the. person in front of me, whether I'm. interested in them or not, as a human.

being, I respect them. I am being honest. to respect them in return as well. And. if that works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But for me, deal breakers in. a relationship is, for example, on a. date, a guy who doesn't want to have a. serious conversation, an honest. conversation, that's a deal breaker. Someone who is um for me, someone who's. like comfortable and not ambitious is a. huge deal breaker. someone who is in. their toxic masculine as in like they. want to show off. They want to put their.

voice louder, they want to treat people. bad just to be more masculine but on the. toxic side. And you know toxic. masculinity you can smell it you know. day one. And then narcissistic people. like this is like my I think. >> how do you know that though? How do you. in the beginning? >> Oh go ahead. >> First of all it's the eyes. All. narcissists have one thing in their. eyes. It's undeniable. I don't know if. you've ever been with a narcissist or. had a friend that's a narcissist. It's. like their eyes give it away. >> Interesting.

>> I'm going to give you a theory that I. talk about in my book. I'm not sure if. it's real or not, but somehow deep down. inside of me, I'm so convinced it's. true. Do you believe that we live in a. simulator? Right. >> That's an interesting take. >> I mean, not a simulator. This is this is. an experience. Okay, let's put it this. way. Okay, we can name it anything. >> In the simulator, how does it get more. interesting? How do I learn if. everyone's good? If if everyone's life. is easy and all that. So, I feel like. just like when I'm playing PlayStation, you know, have you ever played like for.

example Grand Theft Auto or whatever, right? You've seen the NPCs around. They're real people, but they're not. real people. They're just bodies to. distract you, to make the game more. interesting for you. >> Looking into a narcissist's eyes, okay, >> it's like looking at NPCs. >> I feel like they're not human. I feel. like they're NPCs. I feel like um. they're just bodies put on Earth to make. the experience harder so you can learn. more, >> but they're not real. >> I don't know. Like I I bet you anything. anyone listening to this, they go like,

"Oh my god, yes, that's so true.". They're dead inside. There's no soul. inside of them. There's no empathy. There's no soul. There's nothing. Even. their brain scans are different. Like. it's like I feel like they're not real. I feel like they're just here as. obstacles for us to grow and learn. I. mean, that's that's my theory. No, I. love the I love the theory about. obstacles to learn. It's just that I've. never heard someone say it's amazing. It's amazing. >> This [laughter] is the first time for. everything. >> It's amazing. >> But also easy giveaway. It's their. behavior, their body language. But for.

me, the first thing is the eye. Sometimes even the shape of the eye. For. example, if the pupil is too small, so. the space between the white space is too. big, it can also be like a dead eye, a. narcissistic dead eye. >> So you're just there staring at people's. eyes trying to figure them out. I don't. need to stare. You know, you know what's. crazy? I smell them when they're sitting. somewhere. I think I've done so much. research and been through so much that. I've like aced it. >> I can usually tell how I feel about. someone's energy from the words they use.

and how they speak. >> That can give away. >> That's usually for me. like as as. someone who I consider myself quite. intuitive and and I feel like when I sit. with someone I can very quickly figure. out how I feel about their energy and. but to me a lot of it's based on words. we used the things we talk about how. people you know and so I'm using a lot. more information that they're giving me. and and then there's a general body I. agree with you on like body language. body posture all of that kind of stuff. as well which is. >> next time look at the eyes. >> I will now I'm going to say I've never.

tested that before so today you help. people with dating You've written a book. called Dear Narcissists. Like you're. talking to people about their. relationship. You talk to people about. inner work. How did you know in both. your marriages it was time to leave. >> when it's abusive physically, mentally, um emotionally? >> Sorry to hear that. >> Yeah. When you go through that and you. tolerate it for a while, one day you. wake up and you're like, "What's going. on?" Like, "What the hell is this? This. is not okay. This is not what life is. about." And then you look at at the.

relationships around you and you're. like, "No, no, something is off. This. became the norm." But then one day you'd. wake up and say, "No, this still doesn't. feel normal." Although it happens every. day. I had to put my ego aside. um to understand the whole situation. Why do I say ego? Because in our. culture, in our upbringing, you know how. they say divorce is not the best thing, right? It's frowned upon. Even if I'm. from the Middle East, even in the west, it's frowned upon. So people stick in. marriages and relationships because they. fear what the outside would say about.

them. Oh, she failed in the. relationship. And you know, sadly women. get the blame most of the time. My ego. made me stay longer than I should. because I was like, what will the family. say? What will the people say? And then. especially in the second marriage when. the same story started happening all. over again, I was like, "Oh my god, what. do I do now? I do I get divorced?" And. people say, "She's done it twice." My. ego was not my amigo at that time. and. and it made me stay longer than I. should. >> Did you stay longer in the first one or. the second one? >> First one. Yeah, second one was 9 months.

which is great because I already started. doing some inner work but the first one. was almost um dating and marriage 13. years. >> It's heartbreaking because I think also. there's the ego part but then it also. seems like there's the part of not. feeling worthy of more. >> Yeah, >> that's there too. There's the ego of. what will people say, but you're. basically saying I would rather accept. this than people saying bad things about. me. >> Yeah, that was also my case. It's like a.

people pleaser, you know? I just want to. be loved by everybody and chosen by. everybody. I want everyone to see me in. the best image ever. But that's zero. authenticity. Yes, I did this because I. wanted to make sure everyone is okay. And then I realized that everyone was. okay except me. And this is when I was. like, "No, some people um they don't. mind having a war internally to maintain. the peace on the outside, you know, and. I don't want that. I used to go home, have a war internally every day, but on.

the outside, I maintain the peace." Now, it's the complete opposite. I'd rather. burn everything around as long as I have. inner peace. But all of that, why didn't. you walk away? Why did you care about. what people say? Your ego, blah, blah. All of this comes to one conclusion. lack of self-love. >> It's as simple as that. If I loved. myself, if I respected myself, I would. have never been in th those marriages. I. would have never been in these. relationships. But at the same time, I'm. so grateful and thankful because they.

were my teachers as well. Whoever hurt. me was my master, was my teacher, and I. have a beautiful son that came out of. it. If you ever tell me if I give you a. magic wand and I'll take you back and. you can rewrite your story, I would. rewrite it the same exact story all over. again, I would not even change one inch. of it because then I wouldn't be sitting. right here in front of you. >> So I am the woman I am today because of. what I went through. There's a quote. that I love so much. It says, "You. cannot break someone who sees beauty in.

everything, even pain." M. >> so a lot of people think they broke you. but for me pain is a teacher it either. makes you bitter or better so you can't. break me if I find beauty even in the. ugliest darkest places that's what I. live by every day in darkness is where. everything starts a baby in the womb a. seed underground it all starts in. darkness so instead like of people. thinking oh my god we got the best of. her no you created the best of me. alchemy you know I'll take whatever you.

gave me and I'll create something way. more beautiful for the world. >> What's your message to men and women who. are in toxic relationships right now? >> My message is that I've been there and I. know it's not easy to leave. I know it's. not easy to understand and I know. there's a cloud on top of your head and. no matter what we tell you, you're not. going to listen. And sometimes the best. gift you can give someone is to let them. suffer so they can learn. But if I can. give you any piece of advice is that.

remaining in that toxic relationship or. remaining in that place is slowly. killing you day by day. You're losing. yourself. Let's say you're going to live. until you're 70. We're talking about 70. winters, 70 summers, you know, 70. autumns. That that's not a lot. Every. single day wasted is day wasted. You are. deserving of a new story. You are. deserving of rewriting your story. You. are the captain of the ship. You are the. director of the movie. Rewrite your.

story. The endings like people are. always scared of ending things, you. know. But endings are so beautiful. because it's an opportunity to start. something completely new. And I want. them not to be scared of going out there. and fighting for the life they deserve. instead of sitting behind a window and. watching their life pass by. I wish. I. wish. I wish. What if I Why? Why? What. if? Just go out there and do it. It will. upset and piss a lot of people off when. you live your life the way you want. But. guess what? You're not here to please. anybody. You're not here, you weren't.

born with a permission slip that needs a. signature. You don't need this or that. or him or her to approve anything. The. only approval, the only signature you. need is from yourself. So the thing is a. lot of people want to be free, but they. don't understand that freedom is freeing. the mind. And what they also don't. understand that the key to that cage is. in their hand. They're always waiting. for others to open it for them. No, go. out there, rewrite your story. I have a. sister and a brother and my sister's not. married. My brother just got married.

And I was sitting with my mom and I. said, "Mom, I'm thinking of getting. married again." She's like, "Don't you. ever dare to even say that. Two weddings. is more than enough. Your sister's not. even married. You have cousins that are. not even Stop it. Leave the men alone. >> Leave [laughter] the men alone." in her. mind, God bless her soul. She, you know, based b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b. b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b. b b based on culture and all that and. everything. She's like, "You've done it. twice. You make money. Go live your life. with your kid now, but I don't want to. live my life the way my mom expects me. to live or my society expects me to. live. If I have to get married 10 times.

and get divorced, so be it." And I. always tell my parents, when I die and. somebody takes my story and wants to. make it a movie, it has to be a freaking. good movie. That's why I'm going to keep. rewriting my story over and over again. And so my advice is that to anyone. that's in a toxic relationship, I dare. you to go out there. I dare you to. experience. I dare you to have the balls. and the guts to say, "I'm worthy of. something more than the breadcrumbs or. whatever I'm getting. You deserve not to. be hit. You deserve to be respected. You.

deserve flowers in the morning. You. deserve the bare minimum that you beg. for. You deserve this on a daily base.". My advice is just this for them. Just go. out there, you know, have the courage to. live life and not just to exist. How did. you find that strength when you're in. that painful position? Because it's. almost like when you're on the receiving. end of any form of abuse, you feel like. you're weakest because not only is that. person. beating you up sadly, but there's also.

you beating yourself up for accepting. that. What did you do and what have you. helped others do find that courage and. give themselves that permission in that. moment when it feels like it's. impossible? >> The anger when I was doing the healing, the anger towards myself was way bigger. than the anger towards them because. toxic people are consistent. You know, that's the beautiful thing about them. They're shitty and they're shitty all. the time. They never change. They show. you who they really are. You're the one. that's agreeing to stay. So the anger.

towards self because I'm in this. situation I'm agreeing to stay and all. that that is what takes a toll on your. body. You asked how did I manage to rise. from all of that and everything. You. know rock bottom. Rock bottom has a. basement. Have you ever heard of it? >> People think rock bottom is the end. There's a basement down there. [laughter]. Every pain, every heartbreak, every. every agony is an opportunity for you to. meet God. That's where I met God. not in. rock bottom, in the basement of rock.

bottom. These hardships are an. opportunity for you to meet God. And. when I met God and and fix my. relationship with God and got closer and. understood that relationship, then my. self-love journey started. A lot of. people, they remember God when they are. in a bad situation. When they're in a. good situation, they forget him, right? Or for example, if anything goes wrong, God, why are you doing this to me? No, Martha, you chose George who was toxic. He beat you up day one. You stayed. God. has nothing to do with it. We tend to.

hang our mistakes on God and say, "Call. it fate." And this is what happens when. you don't do the inner work. You will. choose bad. You'll go through bad things. and you always end up labeling them as. fate. Oh, God. Oh, fate. Or that's my. destiny. It's not your destiny. You. wrote this destiny. You chose this. You're the author. You're you're the. participant. You're all of that. This is. how I got out of it is when I met God in. rock bottom and I felt that that deep. love. Although I was in a bad situation, I felt so much love and then I realized.

that I have to give that love to myself. before trading it and giving it to. others. And the reason why I was always. broken is because I gave it to others, before giving it to myself. I'm an. empath, but this is where empathy. becomes toxic. You know, you become a. toxic empath. I love using this word. with a lot of my the people that I coach. and all that. I say an empath without. boundaries as like a house with no. doors. Imagine just an opening without a. door. Would you stay in this house? >> No, definitely not. >> Would you buy this house?

>> Would you stay for long? >> No. >> No. It's unsafe, right? So people who. are are full of empathy but have no. boundaries are not safe. That's why. nobody stays with them. That's why no. matter how much they give, people leave. because they can't even put it in words. people just can't stay. You know, only. when you build that door, not a wall, because a lot of people build walls, but. walls, they stop bad things and good. things. Build a door, open it for good, close it for bad, build a door, protect. yourself, protect what's in the house. If somebody enters that house, make them.

feel like they're safe. Show them your. leadership skills and the decisions you. take in life so they can trust your. leading. All these things are are just. important. >> Yeah. You were saying that you coach. people today. What are the most common. things people come to you with? Like. what's the thing you hear the most? >> Either like love interest or childhood. trauma. The thing is I'm I'm an. awakening coach. So what I do is I. awaken your senses, your spirit, your. healing abilities. I teach you and then. I ask you to never come back to me again.

because if you keep coming back, I'm. failing. Like this is not how it should. work. I think what triggered that is my. therapist. Remember how I told you at. the beginning? She's like, "Come back. next week. Come back next week." And I. always tell my patients, >> don't come back next week. >> Don't come back. If you come back to me, that means I'm not doing something. right. It's just you awaken to show them. their true powers because they should. not depend on anybody. They are the. healer. They are the teacher. They are. the master. They're everything. But they. just don't know that. You just need to. show them their own powers. You know, we.

use the power of meditation, immersive. experience, using sound, using vibration. to show them their power. And it works. most of the time. So yeah, that's that's. how we teach them. >> You talked about meeting God in the. basement. >> Yeah. >> Of rock bottom. And that was the. empowerment that you needed in order to. get out of that space. What was that. journey like for you? Like talk to me. about what it looked like to build a. relationship with God that gave you that. strength. >> The relationship with God was number one. to stop blaming God for everything. I.

have a free will, you know, and if you. have a free will, a free will doesn't. come with a butt. God can say I give you. free will but I will do this this is. free will your choice your decision your. life everything however our choices. sometimes are pre-chosen for us because. I cannot choose my parents right so I. came through the parents the parents. have the trauma they passed the trauma. they passed this the upbringing the. teachings and all that so I am part of a. cycle you know it's like I enter the. game I'm already like part of the whole.

game so fixing the relationship with God. is understanding that I cannot blame God. for everything bad that happens but I. should have gratitude for God for. everything good that happens because. without him accepting and seeing how. hard I'm working I wouldn't have gotten. that blessing so understanding that God. is not angry God is not uh waiting to. punish anybody God is full of love we. are all his children there's no. segregation between who we are he sees.

us as one once you remove these doubts. from the image people created about God. Once you remove that and you look at the. divine part of who God is and how. unconditional his love is, it rubs on. you, you have no choice but to start. loving yourself because you are a. fragment of him. And if you love him, he. is inside of you. Your soul is a piece. of him. You have no choice but to start. respecting and practicing self- loveve. That was my biggest lesson ever. Just.

fixing my relationship with God. It. fixed my relationship with work, with. family, with with everything around me. Because if if you have an idea of the. creator, guess what? That idea imprints. on everything in life. If God punishes, how can I trust him? How can I trust. her? If God is angry, of course they're. angry. Of course, he's beating her up. God also punishes. So, it's like. understanding that I fear God. Yes, I. have respect for God. If I do wrong, karma will serve me as well.

Understanding the game of the universe. and how life works is also important. But at the same time, I am the author of. my karma. I cannot say, "Oh, why is this. happening to me?" I have to reflect on. what I've done in the past that this is. happening to me. I feel like out of. everything in the universe that I've. learned about how it works and all that. karma is the most fascinating one, you. know, because there is no one sitting. there just watching and pressing the. button for karma. It's an algorithm, you. know. You do good, you get good. You do.

bad, you get bad. But you know how. everyone says karma is a bee, right? I. don't think karma is a bee. I think. karma is very intricate. She's very. smart. She's very eloquent. She knows. when to come. And karma does not fold. the sheet of the table when it's empty. It pulls it when it's the table's full. >> Sometimes it delays the response. It. takes time. But I love I love the system. of karma that we have. And it just shows. you how balanced and how fair God is, you know, because you you're the author.

You give, you get. Fixing that. relationship, understanding how God. works and building that love just you. have no choice but to love yourself. That's it. As simple as that. >> Beautiful. I love that. >> I want to put you into some scenarios. These are people that I know right now. dealing with dating challenges. So, I'm. going to ask you their scenarios. I have. a friend who she was seeing this guy. They really hit it off. sparks, chemistry, everything. They're seeing. each other every day for 3 months and. then all of a sudden he goes cold. He.

doesn't want to continue to see her and. she's trying to figure out what's going. on. And then a month later, he's just. not interested anymore. No big breakup, no big message, no big reason, no. cheating, no nothing. It's just I'm not. ready for a real relationship right now. But three months of seeing each other. every day, amazing relationship, great. dinners, great meals, all the rest of. it. Sounds like love bombing. Okay. And. um I'm not going to say he's a. narcissist, but narcissists do that for. 3 months. They have to act pretend to be.

a role. Sometimes 3 months, some of them. are so good they can do it 6 months. >> I don't know if he's a narcissist or. not, but it looks like he was. lovebombing her. Let's remove the. narcissism out of the equation. Okay, let's just talk human language now. >> If he ghosts you, then act like you. don't see him because ghosts are things. we don't see. Okay. So, pretend like he. doesn't exist because he just walked. away after sparking your interest. I. feel like it's very disrespectful when a. man awakens something in a woman and. suddenly decides to just disappear.

>> Okay. To me, it's so unattractive that I. wouldn't even cry about it. Like, I. don't cry over spilled milk. If he's. gone, he's gone. You're worthy of much. more. And thank God it's 3 months. Imagine if it happened in 3 years. At. least you're protected. You're saved. The language you use is so interesting. when you said when a man or even in any. situation awakens something in someone. else. And I think that's the painful. bit. Like even the language you used, I. was like, yeah, that's what's so painful. for this person. It's they felt this. like generation of energy that was so.

exciting to them. >> Yeah. >> They weren't even saying forever. They. were just excited about the next few. steps with this person. But I'm pretty. sure if you had a conversation with her, not now, maybe in 2 3 months, and you. ask her, "Did you see any red flags from. the beginning?" There was red flags, but. guess what? They were blurred with the. chemistry. This is why chemistry is very. tricky because. >> what are the red flags we miss? >> For example, if you meet someone and and. from the get-go they're like, "Oh my. god, I want to marry you. You're the. love of my life." It's like, "Bro, you. don't even know my middle name. You.

don't even know what I like to eat. You. you don't even know how do I handle. stress. What if I'm evil? You don't know. anything about me. I feel like when. people push too much, it is sexy. It is. exciting. It makes you feel wanted and. it's so beautiful. If a man doesn't push. and takes it easy, we feel like, what's. wrong with him? Why is he pushing. faster? But it's healthy to not push. fast. It's healthy to take it step by. step. It's healthy to take the time as a. man and a woman to look into things and. not rush. But this sound very rushing.

And also my advice to that girl is that. you see that rush the guy gave her at. the beginning. She should have that rush. with herself. She shouldn't need a guy. to give her that. I think she was just. in love with the version of her that he. brought out and that version should. exist anyways without him. >> But in the end of the day, if he ghosts. you, we can't see ghosts. So pretend. like he doesn't even exist. That's it. [laughter] That's it. >> I love that. Yeah. I mean, I've always. said I'm like, don't fall in love too. fast. It's so easy to fall in love.

really, really fast and speed things up. and you have no idea what this person's. history is and you're planning a future. You have no idea what this person did. yesterday and you're already excited for. tomorrow and you get lost in this vision. and imagination that you built over. having a tiny bit of information with. them. And yeah, you just shouldn't fall. in love too fast. It's scary and crazy. to do that. >> Another mistake we do is we romanticize. potential. >> Tell me about that. It's like you look.

at a guy and you tell your friend, "Hey, maybe, you know, if he works harder, he'll be somebody. Maybe if he does. this, he'll do that. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe." You're romanticizing. potential. Can you look at who's in. front of you and be with the person in. front of you because that's who you're. getting? The potential is beautiful. You're looking at it. He might never. reach it. It's false hope. You're. feeding yourself false information. My. only advice for this is look at the. person and believe what they say and who. they say they are. As simple as that. >> We have this very interesting approach.

where we're constantly like, "Oh, yeah. I love everything about them apart from. this one thing. I wish they'd just work. on this." And there's a part of us. that's well-intentioned because we're. like, "Oh, we see this potential. We see. this growth." But really, what we're. saying is, I don't like them how they. are. >> Let's drop the BS. Let's just say it as. if no one's listening. I wish I can. change them. >> That's the first thing you're saying. I'm walking through this relationship. I. want to change them. I want to make them. the way I am because that makes me. happy. First of all, selfish, wrong. intention, ill intention. The intention.

day one is to change somebody. And. that's not what it should look like. It. should be accepting someone. It should. be loving them for who they are, accepting them for they are. Actually, what makes relationships interesting is. the differences we have between us. We. should celebrate the differences, not. dim each other's differences and try to. pull each other on each other's side. like come to my side. No. In. relationship, both couple have to work. together to be the best version of. themselves. So obviously, we're.

expecting growth. I expect you, you. expect me in a relationship to grow. It's as simple as that. Even trees grow. Like we have to grow. But to go in and. say, "Oh my god, she wears a lot of. short clothes. She clubs. I'mma change. all of that." Why? Leave her for a man. that loves her for who she is. If your. intention is to change day one, wrong. relationship to walk in. It's as simple. as that. >> I completely agree. I also think that. the people who end up changing people, it happens by example, not by what they.

say. >> Totally. >> And I've transformed my life so much by. watching my wife's habits as opposed to. her telling me to do those things. because I'm so inspired by the fact that. she's committed to certain habits. Like. I've seen her eat healthy, work out, whatever it may be. And I've learned so. much just by watching her where she's. not telling me to do those things. And I. always feel example is the best most. attractive thing. If someone just does. the right thing without making them look. like the right personally, it's the most. attractive thing in the world because. you're like, well, you just do that.

because you see the value in it. You're. not trying to get the value of what. people think of you or how I perceive. you. You're not trying to impress. anyone. You do it because that's your. commitment to it. And that's even more. attractive because you don't see that. that much anymore. >> This is the way children are as well. Children, they don't understand by what. you say. No matter how much you sit and. scream and tell them, they watch how you. do and they they become. >> Yeah. >> I think all of us humans were like that. If people tell us, we become stubborn. and we fight back and we we're a bit.

resistant. We want to remain authentic. to our personality. But when you watch. something and you watch how much value. it brings to someone's life, you slowly, you know, join them. >> Yeah. Whenever anyone asks me like, "How. do I change my partner?" My honest. advice is just do the thing. If you do. the thing, they'll do it over time. because they'll see the value if it's. that valuable. >> Do people change? >> I believe people change, but at the same. time, I don't believe it's my. responsibility to give enough chances. until somebody changes. Like, it's not.

my job to wait on someone to change. because what if they don't, you know? So, there is a chance there, right? And. I'm not willing to take a risk. For. example, let's say I'm 39 now. I'm. turning 40 next year and I'm with this. guy and he's not even sure if he wants. to be in a relationship or have kids or. he's like let's take a step by step but. I might not be fertile two years from. now. I could have been with someone else. who's ready and had a family right when. you are with somebody and they there is. like promises and all that there is a. risk. How much risk are you willing to.

take and for how long? It's not wrong if. I say I'm sorry I cannot be with you. because I'm in a hurry for something. else. It doesn't make me a bad person. and it makes me a very honest person and. I'm saving you and myself time. So, I I. just love genuine open conversations. >> I think people change a lot. I think. people don't change for you and they. don't change for me. Like, they change. when they want to change. And if. someone's changing just for you, then. they'll change back as quickly. I think. the fear people have is, oh gosh, I'm.

going to get that person to change and. then they're going to change for the. next person and they're going to be so. good for the next person and not for me. >> Okay. If I was with a guy and I've. changed him and I knew there was a. chance he might be better for someone. else, if I love someone, I want the best. for them. And if the best for them is. not with me, >> you're very pragmatic. That's s Look, okay, your team here that works for you, aren't you training them to be the best? >> Yeah, for sure. For sure. >> One day they might leave and do a better.

job than what you do, right? But you. don't mind that. >> No, I don't mind that. >> because that's leadership. >> Yeah. >> Why does leadership disappear in. relationships? Yeah, so true. >> I want to teach my partner, I want to. make him the best that even if he ends. up with someone else, as long as he's. happy, I'm okay. >> I think that's the hardest thing in. relationships because I think, and. you're so right, the the business. analogy makes perfect sense. There's a I. can't remember, it's one of these old. stories, but they ask the CEO like, you. know, so you're going to invest in. people's training. You're going to spend. all this money on them. What if they.

leave? And his response is, well, what. if I don't train them and they stay? and. he's like, "That'll be even worse.". Like, if they never get better and they. still work at my company, it's the worst. bet. And I think that's the idea that if. you're not investing in your. relationship getting better, >> you end up staying with someone who is. just that you're stuck with. >> Exactly. >> Even if they're not the right person. >> But also, this idea of forever is such a. scam because nothing is forever. I will. die. We will die. Everyone's going to. die. Nothing lasts forever. And and.

people mistaken love with possession. Like they think if I love someone, I. need to own them. They're mine. Oh, nobody can have them. That's wrong. Love. should set you free. Think of it as. raising a kid. If your mom was, let's. say, so controlling because she wants to. protect you, overprotective and all. that. The kid gets sick, they want to. run away every now and then. So the more. you are treating emotions as possessions. and people as possessions, the more they. want to leave because love is freedom. love is guiding them to be better even.

if they don't end up with you and it's. completely fine. >> You were saying before that self-love is. at the root of all of this. For someone. who's listening right now and they feel. they have low confidence, low selfworth, what would you encourage them to do? >> Self love doesn't just disappear out of. the blue. You're not born not loving. yourself. It's a conditioning that. happens from childhood. Whether you had. siblings, your parents were not fair, or. they didn't show you affection or love. or whatever it is. There's so many. reasons for self-love to disappear. And.

a lot of people mistaken self-love by. other things. For example, I have a. friend who she's like, she travels first. class, she buys the most expensive. things, her house is great, cars are. great, life is expensive, and she always. feels empty. And she always says the. same thing. She's like, I love myself so. much. I don't know why I feel empty. Because people mistaken this 3D. experience, which is buying the things. and the house. Great. Well, there's. nothing wrong with that. But that's not. what self loveve is. That's not the end.

goal because when you die, nothing goes. with you, right? Otherwise, why doesn't. the the G-class go to go to heaven or. wherever we're going, right? The point. is that a lot of people think that just. because I go to the gym, I color my. hair, I do the surgeries, I look good, I. love myself. No, this is all external. fun things to do. But self- loveve is. saying no. Self- loveve is boundaries. Self- loveve is putting yourself first. Self love is wearing the mask first on. the airplane before putting it on.

others. Self- loveve is not explaining. yourself. Is being authentic regardless. of how people perceive you. Self- loveve. is being honest no matter what the. outcome of the truth is. There are so. many things to self-love and the only. way to obtain it is to go back to the. day where it was stripped away from you. and you were told you were not enough. Was it when you're four when your dad. was screaming at you? Was it when you're. three when your mom was upset with you? Was it your uncle? Was it your It all. starts from childhood. In science they.

say uh your personality is created from. the age of 0 to 8. So that's where your. personality is created. So whatever. happens at that time trauma wise all. that and everything it affects you. throughout the long run. For example me. I dropped university okay because I had. a business at the age of 15. So my. father was like oh no you have to go to. university you can't do this. And I was. studying film and I wasn't even start. studying physics you know I was studying. film and directing and acting but at the. same time I had a business I had staff I.

had to take care of so I had to make a. decision either this life or that life. and I dropped university which upset my. dad so much one day my dad was sitting. down and when he found out that I. dropped university out of love imagine. he's not even saying it out of spite. because my dad's my best friend he said. baba without this paper you're not going. to go anywhere in life no one's going to. accept you without this degree, no one's. going to take you. It's not going to. work. However, I was sitting down and I. remember my reaction was like, "Oh, no. Let me show you what I'm going to do.".

yada yada yada yada. But when I went. home and I slept, the child in me, the. subconscious mind started taking these. words my dad said and they were. fermenting in my head. You know, you're. not worthy. You're not worthy. My dad, my best friend, said that to me. And. ever since I started making choices. based on I'm not good enough. I'm not. gonna be good enough. No one's going to. notice me. No one's going to do this. And I stayed for so many years rebelling. to prove that I can do it. Although I've.

done it, I did it. I became successful. Yet years later, I was still proving and. proving instead of enjoying my success, instead of enjoying life, I was still. proving. So this is what trauma does to. you. It crawls and creeps in your. decisions, in the way you act, and. everything like that. Even your. triggers, you know, if we are conscious. enough to put our e ego aside and look. at our triggers, we realize that our. triggers are our untamed shadows. >> That's what they are. And this is why, you know, when you do the inner work and.

you do shadow work, you tame your. shadow. You don't kill it or get rid of. it. You can't get rid of your dark side. You're a yin-yang. You exist, both of. you inside one. So when you tame your. shadows, you don't get triggered. anymore. So even the triggers, the. untamed shadows come up. And these these. are all trauma responses. These are all. I don't care how kind, how loving, how. good you are. We're all broken and we. all need fixing. And we all need some. work. So we can find ourselves again. And I urge everyone to look deep. No.

matter how good you are. >> I can even find, for example, if you. give me figures from history that have. changed the world. Let's say figures. that have like they're selfless that. that that have given their life to the. universe and to serving humanity. I can. even find trauma in that you know. >> so yes you're doing great things but. >> that's not the point of life you know. the point of life is not just to give up. everything. >> Do you believe that you can ever miss. something that was meant for you?

>> Yes and no because if I miss it it's. still meant for me. [laughter]. So look, this is how I believe. manifestation is. Cuz I'm I'm a huge. manifesttor. I believe that. manifestation is about surrendering. Okay, what does it mean? It means if I. believe that I want something and I. believe and I demand it from the. universe. Okay, I want it. I I'm. demanding it. I still have to prove to. the universe I'm worthy. So I still have. to put the work. So putting the work is. still part of manifestation.

Surrendering the results is also part of. manifestation. So I do the work and then. I surrender all my results to the. universe and whatever comes my way it's. for the best. Whether I get what I want, amazing. If I don't get what I want, it's divine intervention. It's. protection. It's redirection. It's not a. rejection. So this is how I look at. life. >> It's almost saying that if it missed. you, then that was meant for you, too. I. want to ask you your quick reactions to. these classic love cliches. I'm going to. read them out and then you give me your. reaction to them. >> Okay. >> So opposites attract.

>> Yeah. No, it's not it's not a factual. thing. >> What's your take on it? >> I mean, opposite is great in. relationship. Similar is boring as well. But I've seen people who are similar who. have great lives together. So, I think. it's all compatibility in the end. >> Love is blind. >> Love is definitely blind. >> in a bad way or a good way. >> Love is blind because our hormones drive. the car. >> So, if we are conscious enough to. understand how everything works in the. body. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Our hormones don't have eyes.

That's the That's the problem. >> That's the problem. >> What's your take on this? You'll know. when you know. >> Yes, I believe in that. As I say, like. being with a narcissist, you know when. you know. >> How about love is all you need. >> I don't believe love is all I need. I. need love. I am all I need. [laughter]. >> I like that. I like that. You complete. me. >> No, I complete me. And And if you. complete me, that means I'm using you. >> What's your take on love at first sight? >> I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in like at first sight, you.

know. I believe in attraction at first. sight. I believe in so many emotions, but not love. Love takes a bit of time. >> What's your take on absence makes the. heart grow fonder? >> I mean, it does, but if you are with the. right person, you'll miss them even when. they're next to you. So, but it does. It. does. When you spend time away, you miss. people. >> One thing you said when I asked you. about your relationships, your reaction. was, I have a very neutral reaction to. it now. >> Yeah. And I was thinking about how much. forgiveness is a part of inner work and.

inner healing. Even when you talk about. some of this stuff, it almost comes. across as you have no emotion for it. And not in a negative way. I'm saying in. a you feel very neutral. Like I can. sense that that's real for you. >> That's pretty remarkable because you. said your first relationship for like 13. years. It's a lot of time, a lot of. energy. >> Talk to me about what it took to forgive. after going through a narcissistic toxic. relationship. I struggled with. forgiveness a lot because I did not. define it right. See the brain is a.

computer and the more I break down. information for it to understand the. more it acts accordingly. When I was. told you need to forgive to heal I said. how forgive physical abuse how can I. accept something like that? And then I. understood like after doing a lot of. spiritual work that forgiveness doesn't. mean whatever you've done was okay or I. forgive you for what you've done to me. and I'm fine with it. No, I'm not fine. with it. I never will be fine with it. But I forgive myself for choosing to be.

with you. I forgive myself for allowing. these things to happen, for staying for. so long because you showed me who you. are, you know, and I'm am I really mad. at you or am I really mad at myself? So. forgiveness and closure is within me. If. I forgive myself, I can easily forgive. somebody. The definition of forgiveness. once I redefined it is what changed the. whole game. Also, forgiveness doesn't. come with, you know, an open invitation. back. That's the best part cuz a lot of. people feel like if I forgive, I have to.

welcome them back. No, apology accepted. Access denied. If you didn't apologize, it's okay. It's fine. Access still. denied. Forgiving doesn't mean I'm okay. with what happened. It means I feel. nothing anymore towards it. If I'm still. angry or if I hate any of my exes or. anyone bad in my life, I still have. feelings for them because feelings. doesn't just mean loving. If I hate, I. still have feelings. I don't want. feelings. Some people are not even. worthy of any emotions towards them. So, I'm indifferent. And the way I know I'm.

over something or a situation or I've. healed from it is when I'm indifferent. If I go back and I'm still triggered or. I feel something deep down inside, I'm. like, uh, I have feelings. I got to get. rid of them. Even if they're negative, even if they're hate, even if they're. anger, which is valid at certain. situations. No, I need to empty the. whole system from any emotions because. you're not even worthy of any feelings. What you've put me through, you're I'm. indifferent with you. So, when I look. back at my life, even on the physical.

abuse, I'm indifferent. I feel nothing. at all. I wish them nothing but the. best. And um hopefully karma gets them. If it's good, it's good. If it's bad, it's bad. >> Yeah. Language is so powerful. what you. were just saying about the the mind. being a computer. This idea that the way. you define words helps you understand. concepts and sometimes we don't. understand forgiveness because we think. that's about accepting their bad. behavior or giving them permission to. treat that way. But as soon as you. switch it to forgiveness is forgiving.

myself for tolerating that and putting. myself through that all of a sudden. that's what I want to do immediately. then you forgive. Yeah. Immediately. Yeah. And it's language is just so. powerful. It is you know I always tell. people like similar to a laptop why when. you right click on a computer it says. cut paste it doesn't say cut file to. it's not long the command is small short. words the more the command to the. computer are clear the more you actually. give commands and not wait for them only. the better your life gets like I don't. wait for my brain to give me ideas cuz I.

know it's a it's a processor I am a soul. running this this show as well I am the. person observing my thoughts observing. everything. So I give my brain commands. For example, I flew in here 3 days. I'm. jet-lagged, right? So what I tell my. brain is I have a name for it as well. So I say Phoenix work mode activated. And I train my brain that when I say. work mode, it means even if I'm tired, even if I'm sleepy, I got to show up. I. got to go there. And the brain listens. I want people to know that you can.

biohack your brain. And that's one of. the things that I teach the most in my. courses that I can teach you how to hack. your brain, how to hack your hormones, how to stop uh cortisol from being. released, pull it back, release. endorphins. Anything is possible. This. is a machine. Just like I can hack an. email, a laptop, I can hack this as. well. Everything is hackable. The only. thing I want people to get rid of is. their limiting beliefs. Cuz with the. limiting beliefs, I cannot do anything. with anybody. And a lot of people might. ask you, Jay, how are you the way you.

are? How am I the way I am? How are you. guys doing what you do in life? How come. out of billions and billions of people? It's that we don't have that limiting. belief of a 9 to5 or that life is about. this only. We have a broad open belief. that's accepting, open and always. changing. And I wish people had that. because if you don't have the limiting. beliefs, you'll be able to do anything. >> For sure. S we end every OnPurpose. episode with a final five. These. questions have to be answered in one.

word or one sentence maximum. So S these. are your final five. Uh question number. one, what is the best advice you've ever. heard or received? >> You cannot break anyone that finds. beauty in everything. >> Like if you find beauty in everything, no one can touch you or break you. Even. in the worst situations, once I took. that advice, gave my brain that command, everything was easy. There was beauty in. everything. Question number two, what is. the worst advice you've ever heard or. received? >> A doctor once told me, he's like,

"You're a businesswoman. You do tech. You do blah blah. You do this. You do. this. You do this. Oh, and now you want. to start singing." And I And I was just. sitting there and I was like, "And he's. like, "Yeah, but who are you? What are. you? You're everything and anything?". Like, he's like, "You're so unfocused.". I just looked at him and I said, "I feel. sorry for you because you think you're. here to just be one thing. I I'm here to. be everything and anything I want. I'm. here on an experience. So if I want to. sing, if I want to dance, if I want to. act, if I want, why not? I don't want to. want to cling to one identity. I am.

everchanging. I'm everything and. everyone. I don't want to be just Sarah. the entrepreneur, Sarah the public. speaker. I want to be everything. Why. black or white if there's so many colors. to the rainbow? I can be so many things. >> For sure. Uh, question number three. What's your favorite tattoo? >> I have a witch tattoo. And um, a lot of. people see it. They're like, "Oh god, what does she do at night?" Um, which. means woman in total control of herself. >> Oh wow, that's good. >> Usually women women's reputation, voice,

decisions are always in the hand of. other men, husband, brother, boyfriend, you know, dad, and just being a witch, being an alchemist. Is this a woman in. total control of herself? >> I like that. That's a good one. That's. awesome. Question number four. What was. the biggest limiting belief that you had. to let go of to live the life you have. today? that I can't change my mind. There might be bigger things out there. as limiting beliefs that could change. our life. But the ability to know that I.

can change my mind and it's not. embarrassing. It's not okay. It doesn't. make me flaky. And it's okay to change. your mind. One day you might like. something, the next day you might not. And it's completely okay. I was taught. to think that you're flaky as a person. or you're indirect. If if you keep. changing your mind, you can't be. trusted. But it's such a limiting. belief. You're allowed to change your. mind. And this is why a lot of people. stick to things that are not good for. them. >> Yeah. Cuz that applies to career. It. applies to people. It applies It applies. to everything. All right. Fifth and.

final question. If you could create one. law that everyone in the world had to. follow, what would it be? >> I will not allow people to date or get. married until they do the inner work. It'll be mandatory by the government. [laughter] I think. >> No. I mean, >> so you're going to have like a 0%. >> Yeah. Yeah, everyone's going to be. single. >> Funny enough, I sat down with my. business partner and we were like, because I'm launching a dating app. >> Tell me about it. Yeah. >> It's called soularch.ai. and we sat down and I was like, if I was.

the king or if I was the president and I. had to make laws and rules for love, what would it be? I've always believed. dating should be traditional, like I. have to meet you, I have to feel you out. and all that. But this is also a. limiting belief because the world is. changing, technology is rising, and if. I'm not part of the change, I'm falling. behind. So love is blind, but AI isn't. >> So the AI is going to help you pair. Is. that what or no? What's the goal? What's. different about. >> So you don't get to see the people, you.

get to see them after 14 days. >> Oh. >> If you unlock certain like levels of. maturity and conversation and you play. games together and there's a. psychologist involved, the. hypnotherapist involved on the board, a. lot of big names. Even the AI, for. example, let's say if me and you match, okay, and we're we're chatting, the AI. even tells us what to talk about. Ask. about the finances. Ask about children. Ask about this. The AI might even tell. you, he's love bombing you. Watch out. It's too much for for So, we've been.

feeding this AI so much information for. a year and a half. >> Because I am so sick of wasting my time. dating. And this is why I was like, soul. search AI.ai AI is basically embracing. the future and the change and AI. although I have my my dark thoughts of. AI and my good thoughts. >> but I remember I was walking in the. street once after giving a speech and I. was really tired and this guy stopped me. and I was like I'm really not in the. mood to talk right now you know but he's. like can I ask you about AI and stuff.

like that I was like yeah go ahead he's. like what do you think of AI I said I. think that AI is a dark consciousness. that already existed and wanted us to. bring it to life [laughter] and I was. being very negative about cuz I was like. why is it taking the roles of humans? Then he looked at me and he said you're. spiritual. No. And I said yeah I am. spiritual. He said weren't spiritual. people their belief is that we're born. not to work not to survive. We can plant. our own food, build our own homes. We. were born to thrive in communities. I. said yeah. He said so AI came to become. the slave so you can enjoy the life. And.

ever since he said that everything just. switched in my head. I'm like, "Oh my. god, yes, I can go live that life, the. spiritual life, and let AI fund it and. do the work for me and then make my do. whatever I want." AI is beautiful and. the way we've incorporated AI in the. dating app is crazy. You can't see the. person. No more looking at pictures and. lusting and it's all about deep. conversations. In 4 days, you unlock a. chat room where you can speak by voice. and then more and more there's hints and.

all that until you reach a day where you. reveal and based on the reveal you can. decide whether you want to be with them. or be friends and all that. But. >> that would be heartbreaking though. What. if like for 14 days you're like you. really connect with someone then you see. them and you're like I feel nothing. >> But remember the an analogy of the movie. when I told you you fall in love with a. character halfway. I mean, then it'll be. too late and it's better than to fall in. love with shallow things. What makes it. different is that all the other dating. apps, you know, there's so many.

>> catist. so much bullshitting happening in there. and all that. This is actually genuine. >> Tell me what what catfishing. person is going to go and say, I'm going. to go catfish someone for 14 days. No. one's going to do that, you know? So, it's basically to eliminate all that. crap and just like give people some. genuine connection. So although AI is. not human, but it's taking us back to. being human again on the app, which is. like a deep connection. >> So I'm so excited because like all the. best. Congratulations. Hope I meet my. guy on it. >> That will be the test. That's what you.

have to do. I know. Yeah. >> That's the test. You got to do it first. I got to do it first. That will be the. best. >> I love it. S. It's been so wonderful. talking to you. Thank you so much. Such. a pleasure. As as always, like I love. your insights. Love your thoughts. Love. how raw you are, how vulnerable you are, open you are. how much you wear your. heart on your sleeve and talk about your. own experiences in such a uh casual. endearing way. It's really really. helpful and thank you so much for. >> No, you you make it easy. It's like your. energy just makes everything flow. So, thank you so much for that. >> You're very sweet. All the best. And I.

want everyone who's listening and. watching, make sure you go follow Sara. on social media if you don't already. Uh. go and grab Soul Search AI because I. guess it hopefully it will be live maybe. the website live. >> again. Thank you so much for coming all. the way. I'm so deeply grateful for your. time and energy. I'm honored. It means. the world. Thank you. >> Thank you. >> If you enjoyed this conversation, you'll. love my episode with the world's leading. relationship therapist, Esther Pel, where we talk about why your ego is. ruining your relationships and how to.

date more effectively. >> I think we need to differentiate. Are. you looking for chemistry for a love. story or are you looking for chemistry. for a life.