Chris Appleton EXCLUSIVE: Breaking His Silence on His Divorce & Coming Out to His Wife and Kids

[Music]. I felt like it would be better for them. to have a dad that was dead than a dad. that was gay. It's not something I've. ever spoken about. >> Chris Appleton is a hair stylist to the. stars, including Jennifer Lopez, Kim. Kardashian, Dual Lia. >> When did you realize that you couldn't. stop hiding who you really were? >> I came out at 26 and a lot of people. said to me, "Oh, you must have already. known like and just hid it." And I. wasn't aware that I did know. Being a. gay child, I learned to hide myself.

When I did hair, there was this whole. thing about sexuality. And it's like, "Oh, you're gay. Being gay must be bad. cuz people are, you know, they weren't. saying it in a nice way. Like, you're. gay." They were like, "You're gay." It. was you who filed for a divorce. Everything you've been through. I can. imagine that's not easy. >> Just because it's not forever doesn't. mean it didn't mean something. People. say things about you. There's things in. the tabloid. I was going through a lot. of private pain. What really helped me. was not being okay.

>> You write about the night that you tried. to end your life. >> I closed my eyes and this is it. I won't. hurt anyone anymore. >> We reached out to the kids. They sent us. a note for you. >> Oh my god. I don't know what to say. >> The number one health and wellness. podcast. >> J Shetty. >> J Shetty. >> The one, the only J Shetty. I'm always fascinated by how who we were. places imprints on us into who we.

become. And I wanted to ask you, do you. have a childhood experience that you. remember that you think has defined who. you are today? An experience or a memory. that you have that you feel had some. coding into who you've become today? >> You know, it's funny you say that. because I have a very distinct memory, but for a long time it was a really sad. one. But the more I've understood that. memory, the more I realized it was kind. of where I was at in my life. And it's. sad because I guess it was a a memory at. the age of maybe sort of 8 or 9 years.

old. And I remember looking outside the. window. I'm I'm come from a big family. in the UK. I'm one of five. We were, you. know, really workingass if not poor. You. know, we didn't have many luxuries. And. life was real. It was it was very, you. know, different to LA and sunshine. It. was quite rainy and gray and I remember. sort of looking out the window and I. felt like I didn't really belong. I knew. I felt different. I knew there was. something different. Like my brothers.

enjoyed doing football and sports and my. sisters like doing girls things like I. don't know they were playing with. Barbies or braiding hair and I kind of. felt somewhere in the middle. I didn't. really feel like I fit fit in. I was a. middle child also and I remember just. looking out and I felt quite alone and I. think that was the beginning of me kind. of abandoning myself in a way to fit in. to fit in with what I think people. around me thought I should be or who I. was told to be. So that memory was in.

one way it's very motivational now. Now. now I know what it meant cuz I can kind. of go back to that moment and I've. learned that during therapy and sort of. being able to like connect with that. inner child which for so long I ignored. But I think for me it was a real special. moment that I go back to because you can. kind of change that you can change what. you came from. And that's a lot about. what the book's about. It's about how. your roots don't define you. And it. really is about, you know, we all grow. up being told to be something or be. someone or we have influences around us.

which kind of lead us into a certain. part of our lives and sometimes we stop. and look in the mirror and don't. recognize how we got there. >> Mhm. >> Let alone how we look. You know, sometimes I've worked with clients and. I'll say, "You've got short dark hair. and and and bangs. Why why is that?" And. it's why this is what I've always had. I. don't know. I'm ever thought about going. lighter and longer. Well, no, not. really. Why not? Well, just cuz that's. not what you know, they kind of then. stop and go, well, why have I never. thought of that? Cuz no one ever given. the freedom to. And a lot about what my.

job was about is really kind of opening. people up. It's it's really starts on. the outside as a visual, but then once. you start going internal with things and. breaking down these kind of boundaries, it's really quite magical what can. happen. And that in a nutshell is kind. of what I've always done, gone that. little bit deeper. And I guess going. back to that childhood memory really. helps me kind of remember that that your. roots really don't define you and you do. have a chance to start again. It's never. too late. >> Yeah, it's such a interesting connection. that you made there because most people.

wouldn't see that. You wouldn't you. wouldn't think that something aesthetic. like that about yourself is so deep. rooted, but it is. and all these. limitations and blocks and all this. conditioning that we all have whether. it's about who you can become how much. money you can make who you're meant to. be in the world and for you you fell in. love with the hair quite early right. like that was something you discovered. >> really what was the discovery of it. >> I think it was honestly the first time I. felt good at something I was pretty. young I was maybe like 9 10 years old or. similar age where I was dyslexic so no.

one really knew knew what that was then. so you were kind of just told you it was. stupid I remember I used to sit in the. classes and I was like please someone. answer the question cuz I did not know. what he was going on about. When I sort. of started to paint, I noticed I got. like a reaction and then when I started. to use my hands and do hair, which was. my mom at the time, I realized you had. this ability to sort of change the way. people felt. I really liked that. I. loved that you could transform people. I. was really mesmerized by that. But I. noticed people reacted different and I. felt like that was almost like a.

superpower. So, I just thought I I'm. going to be the best at it. this this is. what I'm good at. I I'll be the best at. it and I'll prove everyone wrong that. I'm not stupid and again just being. conditioned to I mean I was pretty. bullied at school because of that. And. then when I did hair there was this. whole thing about sexuality and it's. like oh you're gay cuz no one back then. did hair. No one had a job at 13. And. doing hair was, you know, stereotypically where I grew up, people, you know, said, "Okay, well, you're.

gay." And that was before I really even. understood sexuality. I didn't even. really consider it. I was just a young. guy having a great time. You know, when. you're a kid, you just you're free. You. know, it's great. It's such a good. feeling. And then the harsh reality of. life slaps you around the face one day. >> And I remember sort of things, well, bad. That's bad. Like being gay must be. bad cuz people are, they weren't saying. it in a nice way, like you're gay. They. were like, "You're gay." You know, people would like spit on you. And I. mean, it was bad. I got bullied quite. aggressively. And I think that really.

led me to push and I guess push away. from myself. That's I think when the. curtain started to come down and I I. really abandoned myself cuz I started to. become a version of myself that I. thought other people wanted to see. >> So talk a little bit more masculine, stand more masculine. you know, you. start to become very aware of your. mannerisms. Doing hair was feminine. So, I kind of. kept it to myself and I just kept my. head down. I didn't want to tell people. about it. And it's really sad because I.

think being a gay child, I learned to hide myself. I learned to. hide the parts of myself that were. authentic. And I adapted myself into. being something that I thought other. people wanted me to be. And as an adult, what you have to do is then unpick those. parts and find out what were the parts. that are actually me and the parts that. I created for other people. >> And as much as anything, I go back to. the book like there is stories about my. life and as reflection, but it's really.

about helping people get to get back to. theirs and unpick it as well cuz. sometimes it takes a bit of that work. >> Yeah. >> And that work can be brutal. It's not. the easiest work I've ever done, but I. would say the most rewarding for sure. >> Yeah. I like I like the way you drew. that. that when you reflect on your. past, you've got to pick apart the parts. that you made for yourself and the parts. that you made for others. That's such a. great. >> and everyone has that. You know, if you. grow up into a family of religion or if. you grow into a family of different. beliefs and cultures, you tend to take. them on. Even relationships, you know, we look at relationships of like that's.

how mom and dad interact and you kind of. carry that throughout your life. And. it's not until you get into. relationships as an adult and you're. like, >> "Oh, you can do it differently." you. know, and they're all the lessons we. learn as adults, but not everyone is. like, I guess aware of that. Not. everyone is aware you can change the. story. Um, and there's a real freedom to. doing that. >> Yeah. I want to go down two paths based. on what you said. But the first path. before we go down the other because the. other will lead to more different. opportunities to talk about, but the. first part is you said you wanted to.

become the best. As soon as you. discovered that you could do hair, you. were like, I'm gonna become really good. at this. >> Yeah. What did it take to become the. best at what you do? Because you are you. work with the best. You're considered. the best by the people that you serve. What did that take? Because I think. often when we look at athletes or you. look at business, there's people who've. told those stories, but when you take. something as artistic as air, >> Yeah. >> we don't necessarily think about it in. the same way.

>> Totally. at least publicly even though. it's such an important part of daily. life that everyone has, right? And so I. want you to walk me through like what. was that process like? Like what did. that take? What did that look like? >> I think I just was. so determined not to be stupid, not to. be deemed as bad or different that I I. really wanted to be good at something. And like I say, it's kind of a. double-edged sword cuz it motivated me. to want to do better. And my focus. really was to just get on it as fast as. I could. And I I just it put everything.

I had into hair. Like I got a job at the. age of 13 and I just had a. >> salon. You had a salon. Yeah. And I. remember my first day I remember it very. clear. I remember I remember standing. against the wall and I saw people. walking one way and I saw them then walk. out another way once they had their hair. done and I swear they were standing a. little taller and you know their. shoulders went back and I was like this. is good. I love this. And I was like I. want to do I remember literally thinking. this is what I'm going to do. And um I. just learned every aspect of hair and if. I didn't know how to do it, I'd find.

out, you know, I mean eventually as my. career progressed and I became top sort. of hair stylist, I then was like, well, what's outside of this? So I'd look. outside, oh this thing called editorial. hair and there's fashion shows and. there's and every every kind of block. was like a beginning again because no. one really kind of like if you're a. salon hairdresser, you're just a salon. hairdresser. You can't be a fashion. hairdresser. You know, they kind of. there's a little competition. Yeah, totally. It's like, you know, people. love to put you in a box. All my life, people love to put me in a box. Still to. today, I'm always trying to fight being. put out of a box. I don't know if you.

can relate to that, but. >> I can so relate. >> I think a lot of people just love to put. you where they know you can stay. And I. I just pushed myself to know every. aspect. And if I didn't know what it. was, I remember, for example, I. eventually got an editorial job and they. wanted a look that I just didn't know. how to do. And I I just got in a car. I. took myself to this local salon and she. did this. It was like this this like. weaving technique of it's called a. basket weave. And like I would sit there. and watch her and just pay this woman to. sit and watch and I'd sit with her. doll's head up all night. I don't know. I just I think I just went above and.

beyond. I loved what I did. I I still. love what I do. And I just I think that. combined with again a bit of a blessing. and a curse, like a little bit of an OCD. mentality where I wanted it to be good. and I could see things. I I I don't just. let things go. I can see every detail. and every little hair. And I think that. combined and just the passion to want to. be good at something just pushed me. And. it's funny now because it's only now I'm. 42 and I look back at videos. I recently. just put some things on social media. because someone came from the UK with a.

big box of DVDs and even I forgot. >> what I did to get to where I've got. every competition I did and I didn't win. and failed and every you know. educational thing that I failed because. of my dyslexia. I just kept bouncing. back and the nose I had people laugh in. my face. You know I remember eventually. I got an agent and I was so excited. about the next steps and they'd laugh at. me. They were like, you know, you just. need to stay where you are and keep it. real. And they'd send me on a photo. shoot for some flip-flop commercial. I. just I didn't care. I was just.

determined. And I think you have to have. that resilience along the way. I think. you really have to have that internal. resilience to stay focused. And um. >> it's not it was never one thing. It was. just lots of little leaprog moments. Um. everyone thinks it's this big moment. It. really isn't. It's just a build. But I. would say one of my biggest secrets to. success in that area was just to be. consistent. I stayed consistent and when. I got knocked down, I got back up and I. carried on and I tried to learn by every. mistake as I went along. You know, if I. if I failed, I was like, why did I fail.

and that person went? Why did that. person get it and I didn't? I would look. and analyze the situation and come back. >> Yeah. >> And I think that's a lot of what it. takes. >> Yeah. Absolutely. It's good advice. It's. also good to hear that there's no. industry in which you just one day get a. call from, you know, totally the biggest. star in the world. It's like everyone's. earned their stripes and done the work. and it's good to hear about it. Whether. it's podcasting, whether it's hair, whether it's music and athletes that. we've had, it's it's always that. You. always hear that same story. But going. back to England and talking about the.

derogatory use of the term gay, I mean, I went to a boy school. >> Okay. >> And I think about all the guys at my. school that got so bullied. >> really. >> because we went to a boy school as well. >> Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. >> And now when I look at how many guys in. my school were gay but never came out. until years later, >> some of them at university, some of them. much later than that. >> and I'm just like, wow. They never even. had the opportunity because they thought.

immediately that if they were to say. that at our school, >> they were going to get bullied for it. >> And so I get how real that was at that. time especially. >> and of course there are still parts of. the world where that's still the case. But how early were you sure about that. being part of your identity? And were. you consciously masking it or was it. still a discovery of your identity or. was it like oh I know that's true and. I'm gonna hide it now. as you said, you. had to abandon yourself. Yeah. >> Or was it like I don't really know what. that is and I'm I'm discovering and.

figuring it out. How was it for you? >> Yeah, I get asked this a lot. It took me. a while to understand cuz in the. beginning I I didn't know myself. I came. out at 26 and a lot of people said to. me, "Oh, you must have already known. like and just hit it and I wasn't aware. that I did know." And I'll tell you now, Jay, like the brain is such a powerful. tool and shame is such a powerful tool. And when I think back to that 8-year-old. kid that just felt different and I had. to hide it, like I feel so sad for that.

little guy because I really did abandon. myself and I think I just I shut it out. I didn't even allow myself to think. about it. It was before sexuality was I. was even thinking about having sex. Like. so anything like that I just knew it was. bad and I just pushed it away. >> So I went through my life like I said. trying to just be normal and and as far. as I was aware it was fine. And it's not. until you really you have these moments. where you stop at life. Life makes you. stop sometimes if you don't choose to. stop and look in the mirror. Sometimes. life makes you stop. It's an you know.

some you're losing a family member. It. can be anything but sometimes you you. have to sit with yourself. And um I. don't know that I ever allowed myself to. know. >> Um I never had the space to express. that. And that's why I'm hoping with. like the book that I can help someone. that feels not seen and someone that is. going through a hard time or someone. that is successful but miserable when. they get home. >> because I never got that opportunity. And finding that makes such a. difference. It makes a difference in the.

job you do, the relationships you have, the friendships you have, and just. generally who you are as a person. >> I think that's what people don't. realize. I love that point you just made. that it actually impacts all other parts. of your. >> self expression. crazy. >> because it is your identity. It's it's. it's who you are. And so if you're. hiding that part, you're hiding all. these other skills and talents and. abilities. I I know because one of my. closest friends came out when he was 30. >> Yeah. and he just and he grew up in a. Muslim uh background and so that was.

extremely hard for him because of the. religious pressure and it was such a. journey for him and he thinks about who. he became after that age and it's almost. like everything went in his favor after. that whereas up until that point it. always felt like everything was working. against him but he like you also felt. that he had to hide and and you know not. be honest with himself. >> Yeah. I think my whole life changed when. I authentically and it took a few years. to get to that point. It took therapy. It took understanding. It took being. with myself. But part of that was moving. to LA. And I think the great thing about.

moving to LA was I didn't feel any shame. >> because I'm also a dad. And I hold that. very close to my heart. It's my biggest. focus in life is being a great dad to. two kids. And any parent out there can. connect to that. I will always put them. before myself. The difficulty with shame. is it's very different difficult to heal. when I wasn't just feeling my shame. I. was feeling shame for them. I was. feeling shame. Yeah. I I felt a lot of. shame. And moving to America, the part.

of it that became easier is cuz an. introduction could be like, "Hey, I'm. Chris." And it's like, "I'm gay." You. know, and and no one blinks an eyelid. But where I grew up, in the town where. people knew me, hey, I'm Chris. And it's. like I I didn't feel confident to say I. was gay. And if I did, they'd be like, "Oh, he used to be. He's got a family. He's got kids. Oh my god." You know, and. there was always this secret, this. conversation. There was just this, it. felt dark still. It still felt like. people wanted to keep putting me back in. the box. So, you know, it was kind of. part of moving to America was the first.

time that I could experience what it was. really like to come out without all of. the outside noise because I'd already. made a life for myself. >> And, you know, I get it. People when. there's a secret, people want to talk. People love to, you know, when when. there's a secret, people want to know. the answer to it. I took the tablets and. drank the alcohol. I ran Kate and I. apologized for the pain that I'd caused. I just said, "I'm sorry." And I closed. my eyes. I just thought, "This is it. This is it. I won't hurt anyone anymore.

You know, I won't bring any more pain, and maybe I'll stop hurting, too." But I. just remember thinking, "Well, what about if I just surrender? What about if I'm just gay and I just be. that? >> Talk to me about that time in your life. because when you started dating the. mother of your children. >> Yeah. >> And that experience. You were married. for what, like 10 years? >> 9 years. Yeah. >> 9 years. Yes. It was a It's a It's a. long period of time. >> We were never married, but we were.

Yeah. 9 years. >> Committed. Yeah. >> Yeah. I mean, it was amaz I generally. believe I was meant to meet Kate. We. were together for 9 years and it was. magical 9 years. It was great. I had two. kids and I honestly thought I had it all. figured out. I remember at the weekend. I'd be doing I'd be doing the man's day. I'd be painting the fence. I'd be like. fixing, you know, I was just doing all. the things that I thought I supposed to. do as a man. And when I did realize I. was gay, I mean, God, it came crashing. down. You know, >> what do you think it was about that. moment that allowed you to be conscious.

that you were, like you said, for so. long you were hiding it, you were. suppressing it, you were putting aside, you're doing all the quote unquote. things you're meant to do as a man. What. was it that brought that up for you when. you felt like, like you just said, you. felt like you figured it all out? Your. two beautiful kids you loved, you know, partner that you love. >> Because from the age of eight to the age. of 27, I'd held my breath and I could finally. exhale. I couldn't hold my breath. anymore. I I couldn't do it. I tried. I kept.

trying to like and I I couldn't. And. once I put my my tip toes into breathing. and how good that felt, I I couldn't. stop it. But then came the shame of. like, well, I'm going to hurt all these. people I've created this life with. So, I kept pulling back until I just had to. let go. >> How long did you carry that that shame. of I know, but I don't want to tell them. because it will hurt them and break what. they've built. >> Once I knew I had an experience, which I. talk a bit about in the book, >> and it wasn't anything heavy, but I was.

I sat when I was a kid. I was sat down. I grew up in Northern England. It wasn't. well middle to north and it was kind of. there was gay being gay wasn't really a. thing. There was a gay pub in town but. it was on the outskirts and the men that. went were quite flamboyant. It wasn't. really spoken about. Um Princess Diana. was on the news shaking a man with AIDS. without gloves. And that was headline. news because you know they're like could. she get AIDS from shaking this man's.

hand? people didn't know enough about it. and they knew about AIDS and it was kind. of told to me that gay men get AIDS. So. I was also fearful of that as someone. who's prone to OCD like I I just felt. very conscious of that. So I had an. experience that I kind of met someone we. became friends and it never really went. beyond friendship but he told me one day. that he was HIV positive. I remember he. didn't even live near me. We we had a. phone call conversation daily, but I. became friends with him and I it was the. first time that I was kind of like I. like this guy like I I really like him.

and I kind of was trying to understand. it. So it was a slow process and then he. told me he had HIV and I was like well I. can't I'm good. I'm absolutely good. So. I literally just cut it off and even. though I hadn't done anything I felt. like oh my god could I get HIV? Is this. a thing? I don't know. It was really. really scary. And then I guess over the. process of the next year I think once. like I say you kind of put your foot in. the water it was just uh it was hard to. go back. And then once I actually did. meet someone, yeah, that was it. There was there was. no going back. >> That period of your life, I can imagine, is when you look back at it now, is.

probably one of the most difficult times. because it's almost like. >> No, it got it got way harder. >> Yeah. Well, which we'll get to, but but. that moment of. >> I can finally be honest with myself, but. I don't know how to be honest with the. people that I love. >> Totally. That's like a. >> There's one thing of like, oh wow, I can. finally be honest with myself. That's. huge. >> Yeah. >> But then it's always harder when you're. trying to express it to other people. I. imagine. >> 100%. >> What was it like telling your partner at.

the time? >> I told initially my partner and um that. was a process. >> and also had to respect that she needed. to go through her own grief. Um. >> were you aware of that at the time when. you told her? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Wow. That's mature. >> Cuz I loved her. I really loved her and. I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want. to be different. I was I went back to. being the kid at school. But once I told. her, I kind of just went on automatic. I.

told my family and everyone needed to. process it the way they needed to. process it. And I I just had to be. respectful of that. You have to let. people go through their own grief. I. can't control their emotions, nor do I. want to. I think it's really important. for people to feel and go through the. process. But the hardest part was telling my. kids. And I think mentally for me, I. couldn't really ever get my head around. that. I've never actually spoke about. this. I didn't think I ever would, but I. do feel ready. I I feel ready to talk to.

people cuz I feel like hopefully it will. help someone else that's going through a. difficult time. But my job as a dad, I. felt was to protect my kids. Um, going. through what I went through as a kid, being bullied was horrible. My childhood. was a lot of memories are not great. ones. So the idea of bringing that to my. kids was really painful to feel that. they would get bullied cuz their dad was. gay. I know the things that kids say and. I know how mean they can be. And I just. didn't want them to ever have that shame.

that was put on me onto them. And in a. way I felt like I felt like a disease. I. felt like it was like a cancer. I wanted. to cut it out of me. I was like, if I. could just get rid of that, then I could. just be a normal dad for them cuz that's. what they need, you know? I just I just. I felt so selfish putting myself first. So eventually people started to talk as. they do. It was a small town and um me. and Kate decided to tell the kids. So I couldn't even say the words. And I. think maybe a lot of people can relate.

to this. Initially saying the words, I'm. gay is a challenge because once those. words are out, it's it's done. I. actually didn't say it. The mother of. Kate's mom actually said it. And then I. just saw these two beautiful kids who. were like six and eight and they were. just they were upset cuz they knew I was. upset and they were confused. And all of. a sudden I just felt like I'd felt like. I just messed their life up and I felt. like I'd failed as a dad because my job.

was to protect them. And if anyone ever. hurt them, I would protect them. I was. the one hurting them. And I couldn't. understand that. I also just couldn't hide I was gay. anymore. I was so exhausted from it. So after telling them, just the. confusion killed me. And my son said to me, you know, does. that mean you're going to, you know, have your your arm like this? Like cuz. he was so young and innocent and kids at. school would do there was already things.

said, you know, and I was like, no, you. know, I'm just me. I'm the same. I'm not. going to change. But that are you going. to change? Are you going to be. different? Yeah. I kind of just shut. down. And um I left. And I left not. because I was three, but I left because. I felt so much shame. And I got in the. car. I drove for a couple of hours. I. drove for quite a long time. Felt like 5. minutes. I just felt like I needed to. get away from him. I just I felt like a. I was contagious. And I.

Sorry, I've not really spoke about this. before. You don't need to be sorry. >> Um, >> take your time. >> Yeah. So, I I felt like it would be. better for them to have a dad that was. dead. than a dad that was gay. And so, I I brought some painkillers. I. brought a bottle of alcohol. And I. checked myself into a hotel. And the. whole time I had a picture of the kids. Um, it was like this computer case I had. and they're smiling on it. They wrote a.

message on it. It was silly. It was just. a little computer case, but I was just. holding it the whole time. I'd slept with it a lot throughout that. period, just I just wanted to protect. them, you know. And um I took the. tablets and drank the alcohol. I ran. Kate and I apologized for the pain that. I'd caused. And I closed my eyes. and. I just thought, "This is it. This is it. I won't hurt anyone anymore.

you know, I won't bring any more pain. and maybe I'll stop hurting too. The rest was a blur. I remember sirens. and stuff and um I just then remember. being in hospital and I could hear. voices and I remember think was is this. it. am you know where am I? And something. changed then. Um, and it was really. powerful because I realized I couldn't. hate myself anymore.

than I had. And I couldn't try and stop. being gay anymore. I'd done everything. with my power. I spent my whole life. creating a different world that I. thought everyone wanted me to be and. take all the boxes. But I knew I had to. reveal the truth. And so in that moment, it was really. quiet. It wasn't dramatic. But I just remember thinking, well, what. about if I just surrender?

What about if I'm just gay and I just be. that and I don't really know where to. begin with it and I don't know where. it's going to leave me, but it has to be. better than what I've been doing. And in. that moment, something changed. I. decided to live and I think that's the. moment where I went back to that. 8-year-old boy standing at the window. and allowed himself to be seen. That was. the beginning of it all really. So. although it was.

one of the darkest nights of my life, I. think it was a turning point. And like I say, it's not something I. take lightly. I think it's it's not. something I've ever spoken about. But I. hope other people in watching this can. maybe feel heard or seen and find the. help they need. Or even maybe it's a. parent that is struggling understanding. their child to understand how dark it. can be when you're left in silence and. when you don't get to express who you. truly are or even if it's the kid that.

did the bullying at school and see how. painful it can really be for someone. Yeah, Chris, thank you for sharing that. because it's. >> I just didn't feel like I could write a. book talking about my story. I think. there's this perception of me that. people see on social media and it looks. like I have my life together. It looks. like I I look pretty polished. I think. people tell me that, you know, I mean, I. work with amazing women, you know, and. life looks glamorous and from the. outside it probably looks like I've got.

it all together. But there's a very. different side and that's what I want to. talk to people about and that's what I. want to help people with. And it's not. just about my journey. It's about. helping people realize theirs. >> Yeah. No, I really appreciate you. sharing it because we're seeing male. suicide rise. >> Yeah. >> We know that carrying around emotions. like shame and guilt for long periods of. time is not healthy for someone even if. they don't, you know, try to commit. suicide. And. I think having people like yourself.

who've been there, who are open enough. to share how you get there and it's. needed right now. It's needed right now. Help a lot of men, right? A lot of. people, but. >> definitely a lot of men right now who. need it as well. And. >> I think also just like stereotypes and. boxes that we love to put people in. It's like you don't have to fit a. particular mold. >> I think you are who you are and you. should have time and space to develop. that and what it is. And and I'm someone. that spent my life trying to avoid that. and then I had to do the really painful.

part of unpicking it and finding out. what I'd created for everyone else and. what was truly me. >> And when I did that, there was a piece. to it. >> Were you relieved when you woke up in. the hospital? >> Yeah. I mean, I don't think I ever. wanted to die. I wanted to kill the. thing that I felt was destructing my. life and the thing that made me feel. different as a kid. The thing that made. me not blend in with all the other boys. and girls. Like I wasn't like all the. regular guys. and I wanted to not be. different. >> Now I love being different. You know, as. an adult now, I've realized the beauty.

in being different is such a special. thing to be able to have that talent to. be different, to to let it grow. And. when it's not suppressed, my god, like. your whole world can change. My whole. whole world really did change. And it. can be such a beautiful thing. And I'm. not talking about success. I'm talking. about inner happiness. You know, there's. a lot of successful people out there and. they're not happy. You know, a lot of. people, some unsuccessful people, and. they're not happy. I think true. happiness on the inside is really I. don't know it's a really powerful tool. >> How did your family react to obviously. coming to the hospital the kids like now.

it was almost like there was in that. time the first shock that you're gay and. then there's this shock of nearly losing. you or there being a critical situation. How did you how did Katie, the kids and. family really. >> Yeah. I don't think there was really. ever an understanding. I don't think. anyone really knew. I think everyone was. just trying to get through it cuz. everyone was trying to process it. themselves. I think everyone had. questions and everyone's like, "Well, did he always know?" And like was that. my fault? And did I say something when. he was a kid and when I told him about. like gay men and sexuality? And I think.

a lot of people were questioning, I. don't know, did they know? Did they see. something? And I think everyone was just. trying to process something. It didn't. really matter to me in terms of like. that was the time I came back to myself. So, there was there was a change in my. brain where I really just was like, I'm. going to allow myself to be and I'm. going to be respectful of everyone else. and I'm going to be supportive because. this just who I am, but I'm going to be, you know, I'm going to be I'm going to. allow Chris to be and and I'm a gay man. and that's it.

>> And I imagine at that time the shame. that had been hanging over, obviously. the kids went back to school, they were. now hearing. >> the same stuff. It's almost like you. said, everyone wants the answer to the. secret. Now the secret's out. >> Totally. People love a secret. People. love gossip, you know. I get it. Like we. all do it. Everyone loves, "Oh, what did. you hear?" You know, but I think once. the secret's out, people, oh, well, you. know, it's just not as exciting. It's. like, all right, well, >> and you found that kind of you were able. to move on from it, too. >> Absolutely. And listen, it wasn't an. overnight sense. It was it was just a.

mental change for me. I still had to go. through the process. Um, >> what was that process like? Because it's. like, like you said, you bottled it up. for that many years. It comes out in. this extremely dark way for you. personally. >> Shame, guilt. Thankfully, you're still. alive. >> Yeah. >> But what did that process actually look. like? Because like you just said, and I. don't want anyone to. >> hear this and go, "Yeah, oh, wow. One. night just, you know, like I don't want. them to have that perspective either. because. >> that isn't true from the book." And I'm.

I'm excited for people to read. >> I'm. encouraging people to read the book. >> Yeah. Because I think when they engage. with it. >> and your sharing of it, >> they'll get the context that you won't. be able to realize like this wasn't an. overnight change. It wasn't a one night. switch. >> 100%. >> But walk me through the process you had. to go through over the next few months. and years to rebuild because you said. you almost came home to yourself. >> Totally. >> But then you had to build this new. house. >> Like anything, starting anything new,

it's it's the unknown. And so I think I. took every day as it came, every hour as. it came. I've always been a big believer. in therapy. I think it's so helpful to. be able to and I think it's I also think. it's something that if someone is. struggling that if you can and you have. the resources to, you should use because. I think it's a really healthy way of. being able to be and really be in the. moment and really feel things. And I. think working with therapists to try and. understand even making sure my kids were. okay with them seeing a therapist and.

Kate did you know I think everyone was. on their own journey but personally for. me it was just taking every day as it. came and there were good days and there. were bad days and there were days I. still felt really shameful and there. were days I didn't feel so shameful but. I think as with anything and when you're. grieving something and I really was. grieving a loss because I was grieving. the loss of who I used to be and so in a. way it was like a death because I was. letting go of I was letting go of this. image that I created, this man that I. created. >> and what came with that man, the family.

>> Exactly. And so then I had to You don't. have it all figured out. I'll be honest. with you though, Jay, I still don't have. it all figured out. I wake up every day. and I'm still figuring out. I think as. humans we are. I'm grateful for that cuz. that means I'm always learning and I'm. always growing. And if I'm growing then. that that that makes me feel happy cuz. I'm alive. >> Yeah. >> You know, no one ever has it all figured. out. >> Me too. I fully agree. I don't I mean. >> people think cuz you've got a book or. cuz you've had some success at work or. you know you got it all figured out. No. one's got it all figured out. >> But I think for me I've always been.

really interested in other people's. journeys and inspiration and. understanding how someone else took on. and listen my journey is not for. everyone. Everyone's different and. everyone has their own journey but. sometimes you can just take something. from it. And you know, for me, that's. why I did the book was I was trying to. help people come back to themselves. And. um I don't think I can do that if I'm. not telling them my story. Yeah. >> You know, to say I had a really dark. moment, too. A lot of people have had. dark moments, you know.

>> Yeah. But it's it's brave and important. to share it. And that's one of the. reasons why I've been talking about. >> the difference between Western and. Eastern ideologies because in the West. you have this. >> before and after. Yeah. So it's like I. used to be like this. Now I'm healed. I'm fit. I'm amazing. And the reality is. the eastern world view would say. everything's cyclical. You're always two. steps forward, three steps back. >> 100%. >> You're always maintaining. You're always. sustaining. You don't just. >> It's almost like you don't just end up. with a six-pack. It's like that's. something that takes daily work. And.

>> one week is there and the next week I'm. like what happened? >> Yeah. And that's and that's something. that's physical that you can see and. it's tangible% what to speak of. emotional grieving and growth. And so. that idea of of before and after it. doesn't really exist because it's like. before what and after what%. >> the reality is you're constantly growing. each and every one of us and me included. too. I I think even with the work I do I. definitely carry that baggage sometimes. of people thinking I'm teaching from the. place of perfection and it's like we're. not trying to Yeah. It's like actually. I'm trying to do the opposite. um just.

trying to be a friend who's nudging you. in the right direction. And by the way, I do this as much for you as I do it for. me because the more I talk about these. ideas, >> the more and I'm sure you felt that with. your book. The more you're talking about. these ideas, the more responsible you. feel to actually live them and breathe. them for yourself. And honestly, I feel. like if there was something like this. when I was a kid, when I was that. 8-year-old kid or 12-year-old kid at. school and I heard someone maybe talking. about that experience, probably could. have saved me going in in the direction. I did and and made other choices, you.

know, but that's life. >> I'm doing some research for my new book. right now and I was researching the I. was speaking to the head of suicide at. Harvard. >> Yeah. >> And he told me two things that stayed. with me. One was that one of his friends. committed suicide even though he knew. his friend was the head of suicide at. Harvard but never told him anything. And. so it just shows how hard it is to even. talk about it with someone even though. your friend is an expert. >> Yeah. >> And so just because you're a therapist. or a coach or a guide or it's not easy.

for people to open up about these. things. >> No, I've found it incredibly difficult. to sort of just talk about it. But I. hope that in doing so that it will help. someone else. Um, and it's not to say. any of the things I've done are right or. wrong, but it was my journey and it led. me to where I'm at now. And I think if. you can take some of the shame away from. people struggling in life and you know, I think someone like me where people. perceive me to have it all figured out, maybe to know that I've not and there's. been some really hard times in my life. enables people to be able to talk about.

theirs too and feel free to be able to. express some of that and there isn't so. much shame around it. >> Yeah. It doesn't make you weak. >> Yeah. Exactly. >> Yeah. It doesn't make you weak that. you're having a tough time right now or. you're struggling to pay the bills. >> or you're struggling to take care of the. family you love. >> and everyone's challenges different you. know and that's the beautiful thing of. life. >> Did any men come back from your. childhood over time that you feel. reconciled their relationship with you. or.

>> the bullies or whatever or. >> bullies or even Yeah. bullies, family, like anyone that you think was negligent. maybe or unaware at that time. Did did. you ever have any good conversations. with any men as life went on? >> My brother actually is actually. recently. We were very different. He was. in a very different place in his life. and I was just a kid trying to grow up. You know, he was a good 10 years older. than maybe maybe 12 years. He was 12. years older than me. He actually met me. in London. I was there for some shoot. and he said I wanted to meet you and I'm. all right. Well, okay. So we met and had.

dinner and he actually apologized and he. sat down and he said you know I was. really to you. I was really shitty. brother and I I don't think I realized. how much pain you were in. And um I. think he was in his own pain cuz. everyone's got their own journey and you. know I found forgiveness in that. I. found forgiveness and it was actually. really really special. Like I say what I. mean it wasn't an overnight thing. This. is literally 10 years later like my. brother's apologizing but I also am. mature enough and have done the work. enough to recognize that he was going. through a difficult time. He used drugs. and he was going through his own thing.

But, you know, he his sort of. acknowledgement of that still stopped me. in my tracks and was like, "Yeah, that. was tough, but I forgive you." And I. think forgiveness is also a beautiful. thing. And letting go and and moving on. >> Yeah. >> I like to move on. I I like to go right. through something and then let it go. And I think that's a beautiful thing. It's brutal. It's really hard. So easy. to avoid. So many people avoid stuff. Complete avoidance. Completely just. let's pretend it's not happening. For me, what works is to really feel it.

and sit in it because then I feel like I. can let it go. >> Yeah. I mean, it's really mature to have. that worldview of recognizing that. everyone's going through their journey. and their pain. >> at the same time as you are. And it's. really hard to compare pains because. >> you can't. They're all so unique and. everyone's valid, you know. >> Yeah. Everyone's got their own journey. But to accept that requires a lot of lot. of maturity and depth. How does it feel. now that you've said it out loud and. talked about it? How does that feel in. your chest heart? Well,

>> I mean, probably as you could tell as I. was talking, I was getting quite tight. chest. If I ever really talked about it, my chest would get very tight. I'm. grateful for that. I hope I never get. used to it because it was a very extreme. >> thing in my life and I'm an emotional. guy. I I love the people I love and but. but I've leared not to feel shame. anymore. And I think part of dealing. with shame is being able to talk about. it, being able to acknowledge it, being. able to look at it in the mirror. And um. I felt like sharing that is empowering.

to me and hopefully others. I feel lucky. to be able to share my journey with. other people. >> Hopefully, you know, someone finds it. interesting or can give them a different. perspective on their day and in their. life. And I've done that in like a. outward sense of a visual with people. know that with my job. But I think the. internal part is just really where it. starts cuz when you marry those. together, that's when you have your real. power. >> I mean, as we've been talking about this. in this journey that.

>> none of us are perfect and it still. shows up. How does how does shame still. show up in your life today? Like how. does it still have that stronghold in. your. >> I woke up this morning. I cannot talk. about that. I can't talk about that on. the podcast. Had this complete like. panic. I woke up this morning. I'm like, "Oh my god, I can't talk. People are. going to think I'm crazy." Like, that. was a really dark time and it was a. secret. It's a secret. And then I had to. stop myself and I'm like, "Ah, it's a. secret. It doesn't need to be. I'm not. that person anymore. No one is the. people that we were in that time. We've.

all moved on and evolved. And I'm in a. better place in my life now." And I. think with wisdom comes, you know, like. you being able to educate people and. share people. That's like me in my. hairdressing career, learning all these. amazing techniques, keeping it all to. myself. And everyone has said to me. before like, "You really want to show. your techniques? People might copy you.". And I'm like, "God, I hope they do. I. hope they have great hair. You know, everyone everyone deserves it. I'll. think of some new techniques. I'm on to. the next thing.". >> So, yeah. I mean, look, we're human. beings. Like I said, none of us have it. figured out. >> But, um, I also have great people around.

me that were like, "Chris, >> remember you're helping others." And I'm. like, "Yeah, that's what I want to do.". You know, >> as your journey grew, did you find you'd. share these stories with clients and. talk to people that you were close to? And. >> no one really knows this about me, Jay. So, I think probably a lot of people. might, >> you know, be like, okay, I didn't know. that part of you because let's face it, in human interaction, most of the time. it's hi, how are you? You look great. You know, can we move on? >> We don't always open up the blinds and, you know, pull people in because. >> it's difficult to do that. you know,

even on social media, people say to me, "Oh, you know, you you have this polish. social media. You bring people in more.". It's difficult sometimes to do that when. it's a camera in front of you. And I. think I've always been very one-on-one. That's what I do. But that's why I. wanted to package it up and put it into. something that people could read and. take in them themselves. >> I want to know what happened because. this was all still while you were back. home in England. >> Yeah. >> And so this isn't even the career. journey that we see now. That hadn't. even began then. Yeah.

>> In terms of the public, how soon after did you end up moving to. America and did everything shift? >> I stayed in I I moved to America when I. was 31. So it was 4 years later and. during that time I'd started to travel. backwards and forwards. I was kind of. commuting backwards and forwards. Um I. started working with an artist and you. know they travel around. I was kind of. doing different types of hairdressing. work. I remember I got a call once. So, I was in London and I had an email. actually that came through and it was.

from JLo's team and I remember thinking, "Oh, wow." But it was too much to kind. of take in. I was like, "Jo, it's like, are you available?" You know, we wanted. to see if Chris Halton was available for. a Vegas show. And I was like, "Oh, that's interesting." And then I thought, "Well, how does JLo know who I am?" It. was the beginning of social media and I. was posting not really know what I'm. doing, but I was just posting all the. different hairstyles I was doing. So, I. guess when I look back, my brand quite. quickly was apparent. I was always. changing up. I'm not your beachy wave.

kind of guy. I like to do a look, do the. next one, move on, that's next. I was. very excited by hair and I was just. posting all that. So, uh I kind of. thought, well, that's cool, but I'm in. England and that's Hollywood. I like the. land of dreams, you know, far far far. away. And uh they weren't going to fly. me out. So, all right. Well, I just left. it. And I thought maybe this is just. like a maybe it's like a fake email. you. know, you get a lot of random emails. Hey, dear sir, madam, you've won. $10,000. And I'm like, oh, have I, you. know, I don't reply to them anymore, but. for when I was younger, I used to. So,

uh, I left it and a few months later, I. got another email. I thought, well, maybe this is a thing. Maybe like maybe. I could go to LA, you know? It seemed. like the big shining star and I that's. where a lot of stars are. And I loved. the excitement. As a kid, I was always. really sort of mesmerized by the power. of transformation. Back then it was. Madonna. you know, she would have a. different look per album. And I always. loved how each look really, it started a. trend. People would start to wear it in. the streets and it was like a whole.

vibe. So, I thought, well, maybe I go to. LA. So, I pretty much decided to do it. I packed two suitcases. I had a whole. apartment in London that I'd worked very. hard for. Small basement one, but. nevertheless, it was mine. And I packed. two suitcases and I moved to moved to. LA. And um, you know, >> without even a plans. No, I had a dream. contract or. >> No, nothing. I had a dream. I was I was. like, >> "How many followers did you have at this. time?". >> Four or 5,000. >> Right. Right. Oh, wow. Really early.

days. >> Yeah. Really early days. But I did have. a hope and I I thought, "What's the. worst that could happen? I'll come back. if it doesn't work." So, I remember I uh. I moved to America and for the first. three or four months, I didn't do. anything. I'd spent all my money. LA is. really expensive. And I remember. thinking, I'm going to have to go back. home. And then I got a call to do. Christina Aguero's hair on the voice. which I speak a little bit about in the. book. It was an experience that didn't. go so well. Uh it was like my one. opportunity and it seemed to go very. wrong. >> You felt you didn't.

>> it went wrong to go right. I mean I was. such an excited guy. I'm like okay I'm. going to do this. I'm going to do my. thing. It's the voice. Everyone watches. the voice. But what you have to. understand is when you live in the UK. it's like this many people see it. when. you live in the US, it's like the world. sees it. It just it was bigger. Everything was bigger. And I remember. going to the voice and there was like. three hours to do Glam and um the makeup. artist went inside the trailer and I. just sat outside. So I was like, "Okay, I'll just wait for a bit." And an hour. went by and I was like, "Well, maybe she.

don't need too much done to her hair, you know." And then 2 hours went by and. I'm like, "Well, maybe like the hair's. probably done and I'm just going to be. finessing it, you know." And then the. last 20 minutes before the live show, I'm like, I mean, should I just go home? And they called me in. So I thought, well, you know, she's definitely got her. hair done. It's going to be good, right? 20 minutes. I mean, what else can it be? So I go in and it wasn't good. It wasn't.

done. It was ready to be done. So she's. like, "What do you want to do?" And I. was like, "Well, what I really want to. do is have 2 hours to do." Yeah, but. whatever. We got 12. Were they waiting. for you to go in or No, there was. >> No, I think she was just like doing. makeup, probably got chatting and there. was no real intention or anything. It. was just like whatever, you know, like. you're in the chair every day, you know, and then I went in. I don't know. >> So, I did that thing that hairdressers. do where you stop moving the hair. around. Have you ever sat in a chair and. a hairdresser is just kind of like just. kind of touching it? It means we don't know what we're doing. It just we're kind of just like hoping.

something's going to happen. So, I said. to her like, "Would you have you ever. tried a wig?" Cuz I thought that would. be great cuz it'd be fast. And she's. like, "I don't like wigs." So I'm like, "Of. course you don't like wigs.". And then I really lost myself and I was. like, "Why would you like anything I've. got to do? Like you see me, you see the. little boy standing at the window. You. see little Chris like what the am I. doing here? I'm a joke. I'm a joke. Like. who why would why am and I felt like. that shame again." And I felt small. So. small. >> And I just had this moment. And it was.

actually the mother of my kids, Kate, who we are still best friends and she. has always been so supportive throughout. my career. I called her on the way and. she said to me, "Look, Chris, if you. don't make this work, you're going to. have to come home cuz I have. responsibilities. I'm a dad. I have the. kids, you know." And I remember. thinking, "If I don't make this work, I'm going to have to go home." So, I. thought, "You know what? Let me do me. And if she doesn't like it, that's cool. We're just not a match. But if I don't. do me and do everything I know, I'm 31. I've spent my whole life learning this. craft. If I don't do me and walk away, I'll always kick myself." So, I said, "Well, you know what? You've never tried.

my wigs. let's try it. She was like, "All right." So, I put it on her head. And she was like, "Oh." And I'd finessed. wigs. I got really good at them cuz I. used to work with cancer patients. So, all these little tricks I kind of like. from one area of my life then turned. into making me good at it for stars. And. so, I put it on her head and there was. no time. She was like, I I like it. So, I put it on. It was like no time. She. literally got up and ran off onto the. onto the show. And then she's on live. TV. And, you know, that was the time of. social media because I was also very. nervous because well, everyone's gonna. have an opinion on this. And when it's. good, it's great. And when it's bad,

it's not. >> Cuz when it's when it's bad, you all. know about it. >> When it's good, it's okay. >> When it's bad, it's. >> bad. So um I remember she came off the. stage and she it was like a little break. and um she was talking to someone like. this and she looked over at me and she. went, "Everyone likes your wig." And. then just carried on talking. And in. that moment, I knew that it and it was. great. Like she looked great and then we. worked together. You know, it was the. beginning of my career. >> The wig fell off. You look great. I. mean, I don't want people to think I am.

being arrogant in telling that story. because I had put so much of my whole. life into my craft. I wanted to learn it. inside out, upside down, left to right. I knew every aspect of hair for me to be. able to be able to stand there and know. that it was. >> the right thing to do. I wasn't being. pushy or anything. I just knew that this. was right. And therefore, if it if it. didn't work, it's like a relationship. If it didn't work, it's okay. >> Yeah. >> I tried. if I don't do what I know to be. true and good, then I'll always kick.

myself and I'd hate that. And I think. part of my coming out story and, you. know, seeing my full self again was not. ever letting myself not be seen. And, you know, I wanted to present as as I. was and and the knowledge I knew. And. that was it was a success story and it. and that was the beginning of my career. in Hollywood. It just rolled on once. people saw her hair cuz we did this kind. of really icy wig and then I did these. hoops in her hair and then I started. working with Ariana and then Kim and. then Adele and it was JLo and it just. Katy Perry just just evolved you know.

who doing that that's cool you know. >> pop stars are decided to change their. hair up so it's like okay. >> so it's very fast that was very fast but. I was very prepared because I'd spent 31. years of my life learning it. >> it's really interesting because I'll. tell you later I have a very similar. story of because when I first moved out. here it was everyone was asking me to. teach them how to meditate or coaching. them or guiding them spiritually on. their life and so I was meeting a lot of. people and our work funnily enough is. similar even though it's very different. it's very intimate it's very one-on-one%.

really present in someone's life. >> and and I had a similar experience but. >> the thing I found as well was if I was. trying to be what they wanted me to be I. couldn't be that I just knew how to do. what I do. >> and that's really hard when you feel. inexperienced, you feel like an. imposttor and you feel like you don't. belong here, which is how I felt too. >> Totally. Which we all feel even when you. have success or whatever, you know. >> Yeah. And and you come and you're like, oh no, but this is a bigger world. It's. a different world and it's different.

eyeballs and then you're just like, no, actually I have to trust the work that. I've done up until now. And that doesn't. make me egotistic. Totally. >> It just makes me experience. I've got to. trust the experience I have%. >> and most importantly, it makes me me. So, I love that message from your. experience there, which was if you. hadn't done the wig, >> it would have just looked terrible. Totally. >> Because you wouldn't have been able to. do anything with it in that time. Exactly. >> And so, you had to trust your instincts, which was my experience says, "Let's go. with the wig.". >> Yeah. Totally. >> Yeah. That's amazing. And then obviously. you became such good friends with Kim.

and and and everyone. It's like, >> what's been your favorite part about. building these amazing relationships. because the work is so intimate. It is. so. >> connected to them. >> I'm so grateful to work with everyone. I've worked with. I always just feel. very lucky to work in their presence cuz. they're amazing at what they do. You. know, they're an artist in their realm. and to be a part of it, I just feel very. grateful and you know Kim I become very. good friends with. I have so much. respect for her to see her up close to. see you know the world sees one thing. >> They see Kim Kardashian. I don't really. see her like that. See as Kim you know.

and she is a mother an amazing mother. She is a businesswoman, you know, to see. what she did with SKIMS and build that. and just to see how she is with everyone. that walks in the door. You know, she. speaks to whether it's an assistant, a. lighting person, what way, she's says. hello to everyone, introduces herself. >> She doesn't have to, but she's just a. great person. She's world class, >> a really, really great person. And so, I. think organically, you spend so much. time together with the people you work. with. Obviously, there's a friendship.

there. And I'm just incredibly grateful. I've got to work with the people I do. and you know see them in the light I do. cuz I guess not everyone does cuz again. we all make assumptions everyone's just. seen a vision or an image or a quick. clip on TV or a clip here on social. media and we all make assumptions is. what we do it's okay but I just feel. grateful to have seen a side that maybe. others haven't and um. >> yeah I'm sure you what what do people. like really I'm sure you get that all. the time from. >> people back at home as well like oh what. do people really like behind the camera. and it's I always find it so refreshing. to be able to be like no a lot of the.

people you watch But they're actually. really wonderful and nice. There isn't. some big conspiracy, you know? It's just. they're just wonderful humans who are. really nice and they're really great at. what they do. >> What they do. >> Yeah. What they do and and Yeah. They. treat everyone with respect and it and. it isn't as juicy as you want it to be. >> No. Totally. >> Yeah. So, with your journey with that. piece, it feels like I mean you said it. earlier, you were like it only gets. harder. >> Yeah. And it feels like even though now.

you were having this success and that. was moving fast and you have become the. person you've become where you are the. go-to person in the city but across the. states for all of these people to turn. to whether they're musicians, models, talent and then I think now it's been. like just a year from your divorce. again. Yeah. >> And that was with a very public. relationship. Was that the first time. you'd had a public relationship? It was. definitely the first time that I'd. experienced that.

magnitude of people being so invested in. my private life. >> What was it like having such a public. romantic relationship as someone who for. years before that, let alone having a public relationship, you weren't even in a relationship with. a man? >> This is the first time I've ever spoke. about this. And I think people have this. perception from social media probably. like I said it I have it together. I. work with these amazing people. Life.

looks glamorous. So from the outside it. probably looks like I got it all. together. But the truth is especially during that. time I was going through a lot of. private pain and then you go with all. the online speculation part. People say. things about you. there's things in the. tabloid and people have an opinion on. your life and that can be incredibly. intense especially when you're just. trying to deal with things. I think for. me. what really helped me was not being okay.

and you know I've always believed in. therapy and I wor with a therapist to. really sit in my feelings and really go. through them and understand how I felt. and that is really brutal to go through. it but for me coming out the other side. there's a part of you that feels like. you can you know reflect on it and move. on. One of the biggest lessons I learned. is finding alignment from what I do is. all about visual. You know, it's what.

I've done my whole life and even what. people see of me is this visual. representation of Chris Appleton. But I. think for me, there was a real piece in. finding alignment and inner peace on the. inside. And like I said, that wasn't an. easy process. But I think when you align. those two, when you genuinely feel good. on the inside, I think that's when your. real power comes in place. And I think, you know, just because there's a. headline about you doesn't necessarily. mean you have to go and explain to. everyone about your life. And I think.

for me, I really wanted to deal with it. with peace and deal with it my way. You. know, that's the interesting thing about. living in the public eye is people have. an opinion and that's okay. I don't mind. people saying good and bad things cuz. you put yourself out into the arena, you're going to get that. But I think. for me as a dad, I wanted to protect my. kids. I always want to do that and I'm. very aware any relationship I go into. there will be a conversation around. that. And so I think for me making sure. that I had that internal alignment which. I never had my whole life finding that.

and and being comfortable with that and. finding happiness was a really beautiful. thing. And you know you can love someone. and then not be a forever happy ending. I think you learn so much from it. I. think any relationship I've ever gone. into I've learned so much from it. I've. learned what's important to me in terms. of boundaries, in terms of how I want to. be loved, how I want to love. And that's. a beautiful thing because it means. you're always growing and evolving. >> It was you who filed for a divorce, right? Like you were the one who.

>> Yeah. >> ended it. >> Yeah. >> When you look at that in the perspective. of the whole conversation that we've had. and everything you've been through, I. can imagine that's not easy again. No, but I think again like it doesn't mean. you don't learn something about. yourself. And just because it's not. forever doesn't mean it didn't mean. something. And it's a bit like going to. buy a house. Like you know, we could go. and look at houses. I particularly like. bright, lots of space. I don't like. confined and dark. Some people do. And. that's okay. You're just not aligned.

And I think one of the biggest things I. realized about any relationship I've. been into or go into is the importance. of alignment. And I think for a long. time I didn't have that. And I think. finding that within myself has been. special. It's about growth. And like I. say, as long as I'm growing and. evolving. >> Yeah. >> Then I'm alive and that feels great. >> Why do you think you didn't have that. alignment maybe when you met? And. because it moved fast, right? >> Look, moving fast doesn't always mean. you're reckless. I think sometimes it. means you're hopeful. And I think any.

relationship I've ever been into, I've. gone into with an open heart. And I have. no regrets about that. I think we shame. people too much for leading with an open. heart. And I think the sad part about. that, especially when it doesn't work. out. >> And I think the sad part about that is. you can learn to retract and protect. yourself. But I would rather love and. fall than to never feel anything at all. And I think I'd rather experience. something and feel alive than to never. put my foot out in the water. And I.

think as long as. you're growing and evolving from it and. things don't always go to plan, I think. as long as you go through it and go. through the process of healing, I think. that's really important. >> Then I think you're doing all you can. I. don't know. I I feel like I I felt like. a responsibility to just really look at. everything as any situation I've ever. been in. I've always tried to look back. and reflect of like, do I feel aligned? Am I happy with where I'm at in my life, how it is visually, and how I feel. internally? And, you know, if not, being.

able to sit in that and and sit with it. and process it and go through it has. been a really magical part cuz it. doesn't really matter what anyone else. says. >> Yeah. >> I know my truth and I feel happy. I I. really value the people that are in my. life. I have an amazing family. I've. worked really hard for my career. I love. the people. I've supported family and. I'm really grateful for that. >> Yeah. >> An ending doesn't mean it it didn't mean. anything. It just means it ended. You. know, as many relationships I've been. through in my life, friendships,

relationships, >> they've ended. And I've tried to learn. something each time from that. experience. >> Yeah. I really appreciate your take on. not closing off and not kind of building. a wall to and you are right. We do make. people feel bad for falling in love or. moving fast or whatever it may be. And. and I think also coming from a South. Asian culture, I've seen the dangers of. demonizing divorce. >> Yeah. and looking at divorce as a.

failure or a negative thing when. actually I look at my community and I'm. like I wish this person would get. divorced and this person would get. divorced because because you know the. truth and when they open up to you% and. and so it's almost it's it's interesting. we've made people feel bad for maybe. opening their heart and falling in love. and we also make people feel bad for. >> and I get it like I get it and and. people love to say like oh I knew you. know that would happen and that wouldn't. last. But I don't know, I it's just who.

I am. I go in wholeheartedly into every. friendship, every relationship, you. know, every family member. And I've. learned to protect myself and also honor. myself. Like I say, I keep mentioning. alignment, but it really is a key part. of like my healing is to be able to. leave a situation when it it's not right. anymore. >> Yeah. Why did it feel again important. for you to talk about it now. >> as part of this journey with the book? >> I think there's just always I think.

every part of my life if if there's. something in the tabloid or people want. to know I think I would like to sort of. share my experience so people can relate. and maybe not so feel so alone. My. biggest goal is to make people realize. that it doesn't matter where you came. from. It doesn't matter what the. situation was that you got stuck in. You. can move on. You can you can evolve your. life and you can have your comeback at. any age. At any age. It's never too. late. So many people think it's too. late. They're not 20. They think they're. done. And I think I don't know. Some.

things are for a season and some things. are forever. Like that's life. Life. is life. Love is messy. People are. complicated. We all bring our old trauma. and baggage into a relationship whether. you're willing to admit it or not. And. like I said, that that's just life. It's. about alignment. And if something's not. aligned, it's okay. Whether it's a. relationship or a friendship or a. marriage or whatever it is in your life. I think so many people get so fearful of.

not moving on or change. Change is so. scary to people. Change I know by just. people changing their hair how. terrifying that'll be. Well, people are. going to recognize me or people are. going to I'm like, yeah, that's great. See a new you. see actually a you that's. this is actually going to be great for. you. You have a whole new look. >> You could have been stuck with that old. hairstyle that you showed me a minute. ago your whole life. You know what I. mean? Like thank God. Yeah. Literally, >> you know, it's like but if you don't. know, you don't know. At the time, I bet.

you thought you were killing that. Yeah. This is I straighten my hair. Why do you. straighten your hair? Cuz someone told. me to. You have beautiful natural. texture. Someone bringing you back to. that. >> Like I don't know. It kind of helps you. form who you are. Whereas maybe you. conform to society because society said. you should straighten curly hair. >> I don't know what the answer was but. we're all we're all conditioned to that. following the lead and following the. pack. And you don't always have to do. that. >> Yeah. >> To not do that you have to have some. balls. >> And like I think part of finding that.

strength is to be able to sit with. yourself. And I can honestly say any. situation now that I'm ever in I can sit. with myself and I can process it. And. it's not always easy. In fact, doing the. work is brutal. It's never easy. But the. last thing I feel like I need to do is. tell everyone cuz it's it's my journey. It's my story. And you know, when I'm. ready, which is why I'm doing the book. now, you know, you can share it. >> How did you protect your peace at the. time? Because I imagine it's not easy. when you're going through it. Headlines,

whether they whether you take them. seriously or react or not, they still. hurt. and. >> everyone's asking you and and I know. what it feels like where you're. sometimes I find that when you alter. family that's not connected to the. industry. >> I'll always get a load of messages as. well from back home from friends and. family going oh I just saw this thing. about you know whatever or I just saw. and I'm like guys like I'm dealing with. it like you know it's this is normal in. my world now. >> but it's not normal for them. >> and I can find that that's hard. sometimes. Was there any was there any. of that feeling of that kid looking out.

the window? Like was that any of that. coming back through this as well or how. did you protect your peace at that time? >> I I think there's a lot of private pain. Like I say, no one is immune to it. But. I think for me working with like I have. an amazing therapist I've always worked. with and I am so pro therapy. >> Is it the same person that you were the. whole time? >> Yeah. Wow. How many years? >> Maybe the LA It was since I moved to. America. So 9 years. Wow. Um, >> that's impressive. >> And for me, therapy just enables you to. like sit in it. Therapy really helps you.

to do that. And therapy really helps you. to move on and and let go of situations. that, you know, no longer serve you. >> So, it's been around 2 years now. Where's your headsp space at now? I. think I just feel grateful to have had. the experiences I've had in my life and. to have the knowledge and the wisdom to. be able to process them and let go of it. and and move on. And I think with every. chapter of my life, I'm so grateful I.

had that each and every experience, good. and bad, cuz it led me to where I'm at. now. I I think I'm in a a good place. Not every day, but more so than I ever. have been in my life where I've. abandoned myself. >> And it's such an easy thing to do. And. I'm just so aware of doing that now. It's like I can't not see it. Once you. see yourself, you know how many people. look in the mirror every day? You look. in the mirror maybe, I think the average. is 12 times a day. They say on average.

is an hour a day from brushing your. teeth to, you know, checking your hair, whatever it is, having your haircut. an. hour of your day of looking yourself in. the mirror. So many people see a. reflection. Not everyone looks at. themselves. We just look, but no one. actually really looks. And part of my. job and my journey has been, I guess, showing people the real mirror so people. can really see themselves and be seen. And a lot of people are not seen. And. when you really see people and you break. it down to like, why have you always. done this? Why have you always repeated.

this behavior? Why have you always got. yourself into the same situation? Why. have you got yourself into the same. relationship? There's a pattern to it. Once you see the pattern and once you. break it down, you can change it. That's. really empowering. I did it with hair. for a long time. >> But I didn't realize I was also doing it. in an internal way and everyone can. relate to that people saying your. hairdresser is your therapist. I didn't. even know I was doing that. It's such a. part of it. The difference is I used to. do it with everyone else and I'd see. them and you know what? Never saw myself.

and didn't see myself for 27 years of my. life. I didn't allow myself to look. It. was easier to make other people see. themselves than for me to look at. myself. When I saw myself, I couldn't. not see it anymore. I couldn't not see. who I was and who I'd become. And that. defining moment of my life changed every. decision moving forward. And so if I'm a. bad friendship, if I'm in a bad. relationship, if I'm in a bad work. environment, I'll leave it if it no. longer serves me. And if I feel like. I've done everything I can to be the.

best person I can, and no one's perfect. Humans are messy. That's okay. But I've. learned to respect myself enough to be. able to, you know, go back to that. little boy at the window and say, "It's. okay." You know, you don't have to be in. that anymore. You don't have to feel. alone. You can be seen. And I hope. that's what everyone does and maybe. finds a bit of that when they read the. book. And obviously, it's called Your. Roots Don't Define Define You. It's. about roots and. >> it's a double-edged sword, but it it is.

such a powerful thing that if you. actually stand and look in the mirror. and look at yourself, this book is for. anyone that looks back and it's like, is. this it? Or anyone that looks in the. mirror and is like, I don't really know. why I look the way I look. >> Or anyone that does have some success, but it's so miserable. Or sometimes just. people thinking there must be more to. life. Hopefully this will help people. feel like they can change that and they. can have their comeback and they can.

transform not only the way they look on. the visual because everyone knows I do. that but if they can do it internally. I'm telling you now their life will. change. >> and I hope people can take what I learn. cuz I feel like everyone deserves to be. free. >> Yeah. >> You know I see people in the. supermarket. I see people walking in the. street and I'm like I wish you knew what. I knew. you know, and and I think it's. just really special to be able to share. that journey. >> What do you see in the mirror now when. you look in the mirror? You see. yourself? >> It depends on the day.

Some days it's all right and other days. on, you know, like I'm still like really. should lose 5. Does my hair look good. better blonde? You know, you read a. comment on social media like, "You look. way better blonde." I'm like, "Oh, I'm a. better blonde." You know, it's all. right. We all have those voices in the. head. I hope they're always there. It. keeps me alive. It keeps me I just laugh. at myself now. M I think I try and treat. most things with humor. You know, if I. do see a headline about myself or if I. do see someone say something, I'll try. and laugh it off cuz otherwise, what. else are you going to do? You know, it's. like I probably couldn't have done that.

before. If I went back 10 years, I. probably couldn't do that. I probably. would have gone crazy and been like, "Oh. my god." Now I'm like, "It's okay. It's. just someone else's opinion." That's all. right. You know, I can actually laugh at. it. I'm like, "Well, you know what? I. probably do look a bit like I need to. lose 5 or I don't know. I can I can. relate to it. I'll just at least laugh. at it. We were talking about red carpet. pictures. They can make you crazy, you. know, like you you think pretty good. about yourself. Yeah, I'm good. You. know, I feel like I look good. You take. a picture. Is that what I look like? >> Oh man, tell me about it. >> Oh my god, I saw this picture of myself.

and I was like head to toe in brown and. for some reason the background was red. and my hair was kind of the same. I look. like a log. And you know, is this text. shing around texting my I look like a. log. What the And I just laugh at it. You know, it's all right. It's fine. It's just nothing's perfect. You get. over it after you realize there's more. bad pictures of you and Getty than good. And then you go, "All right, I'm good. with it.". >> And that's the same with like a headline. or whatever. I'm like, "All right, it's. cool." You know, fine, whatever. It's I. mean, it's not easy. I'm not I'm not. saying I laugh everything off at all. I'm I have I'm a dad and my number one.

goal is to protect my kids, you know, because they're going to see everything. My family see everything. But I've also. learned to be able to know that if I'm. aligned, sometimes I have to go back to. that alignment and have to sit back in. it. I'm okay. >> What have the kids read the book? Have. your kids. >> Yeah, they have. >> How did. >> Well, I think it's kind of for the for. them it's interesting cuz I'm dad. I. think one of the proudest moments of my. life is the fact that.

they have been through so much on this. journey with me, but they can still look. at me and call me dad proudly. And that means everything to me. >> And I don't want to have any secrets. I. want to share my journey with them. And. as difficult as some of those topics. are, I'd rather show them and say, "That. was really hard and I moved on." And. this is where I'm at now. And I didn't. just move on because like it was easy. I. moved on cuz I went through it and it.

was brutal and it was challenging, but. do the work, you know, and it will lead. you to a better place. >> We we reached out to the kids and they. sent us a note for you. >> to my kids. Really? >> And so there's there's one each. And uh. >> I'm going to ask you I haven't read them. yet, so I'm going to hear them for the. first time, too. can ask you to read. Kitties Out Loud. >> Okay. >> Can read it out for us cuz I've not I've. not read it either. So, I wanted to save. it for you. >> There are so many things I've wanted to.

say over the years and sometimes I don't. know how to put them into words. But. today, I just want to tell you how proud. I am truly to be your daughter. You've been my example of strength, compassion, and integrity for as long as. I remember. For every chapter of life, you've shown up with grace and honesty. You've made sacrifices that I'll never. fully understand. And you've given me. love in a way that made me feel safe, valued, and seen.

Even now, watching you open your heart. up and share your story to the world, I'm constantly inspired by your. vulnerability and courage. And that's. rare and a beautiful thing. You've given. me so much more than I could ever thank. for. Your love has shaped me, and your. belief in me has carried through. I love. you so much and I'm forever proud to be. your daughter. Love, Kitty. Oh god, I. don't I'm shaking.

Oh god, I don't know what to say. That's how you get me. my kids. I'm just I'm I'm just so grateful that. I have them and and that they've been a. part of this journey. And like I said, the biggest achievement of my whole life. is that they can call me dad and and and. say it with pride cuz there's been so. many times I've not felt proud of.

myself. And I I've not been kind to. myself. And I think a lot of people can. relate to that abandonment of. themselves. And yeah, having them is is. the greatest gift. >> Beautiful letter. And this one's from. Billy. >> You know what? I remember that night. telling them. about, you know, being gay. It was. especially for a boy, there's so it's. kind of what guys say. You're gay, you're gay. It's always pinned as a bad. thing. So I knew he was going to face so much.

going back to school of people talking. and people whispering and people saying. stuff to him to him and they both have. gone through so much they never let me. see cuz they knew I was going through my. own. >> pain. So like yeah this means a lot. Okay. Dear dad, where do I even start? Um, one of my first memories as a kid is. you dressing up as Superman to surprise. me on my birthday. I thought I'd just. met my hero.

I didn't realize it then, but as I grew. older, I came to see the real superhero. wasn't a costume. It was the man inside. He went from cutting hair in a small. local salon to taking a massive leap and. moving across the world with nothing. And somehow across the chaos, you built. a life out there. You worked with. Hollywood stars, become a businessman, appeared on TV, and now even written a. book. And through all of that, you're. still the same guy who makes people. laugh and lights up every room and who.

does everything he can to make the. people around him happy. But but what. sticks with me the most isn't just what. you've accomplished. It's what you've. taught me. You've shown me how to be. confident in myself and not to care what. other people think. And you've taught me. how to stay motivated to reach for the. stars. And most importantly, you've. taught me how to be respectful, kind, and caring. And beyond proud to be one. Keep doing you, Dad. Love from B. Oh my. god.

Wow. >> I'm nearly in tears just listening. It's. so beautiful, man. It's. >> Yeah, that's really special. >> It's amazing. >> I feel so proud to have to raise two. kids who love you that much. It's pretty. special. >> Yeah. >> Amazing. But, you know, any parent. listening knows that their only goal is. to make sure their kids grow up with the. least amount of pain. And we all know. the harsh reality of life. You know, when you're a kid, you're so innocent. and life is so free. And as we grow.

older, there's so much baggage thrown at. us. >> And I think the only thing you can do is. try and understand it. And I spent many. of my years, like I said, trying to. unpick. what didn't belong to me and shake that. off and shake that package off. And if I. can save them, if I can save them having. to go through some of the struggles I. went through cuz I didn't allow myself. to be, then I did okay with that, you.

know. >> All right. Should we move on? >> I'm so No, Chris, I'm so grateful. I'm. so grateful to you for, you know, your. time and energy writing this book and. love about how you talk. When people. dive in, they'll learn about the. personal hater that we all have inside. of us. >> Yeah. >> They'll learn about how you talk about. how shame lives in the shadows. >> Y. >> they'll learn about this whole journey. of what it means to make a comeback. And. um. >> and also to realize that it's never too. late. >> Yeah. >> It really is never too late. And. sometimes we spend years of our life.

trying to figure that out. But once you. have that realization and hopefully the. book will be that realization that it. isn't too late and maybe a few footsteps. into going into the right direction to. change things. >> Chris, we end every episode of On. Purpose with a final five. >> Okay. >> These questions have to be answered in. one word to one sentence maximum. >> Okay. >> So, let's go. >> Chris Albertson, these are your final. five. Uh, question number one is, what. is the best advice you've ever heard or. received? >> Live and let live. I think everyone's. experience is different. If there's one. thing I've learned in this time on the.

earth is that everyone's going through. something. >> Everyone has had heartache. Everyone has. had trauma and different baggage and. everyone is going through something. So. I think to try and. remember that and let people, you know, live and let live, you know, and be. We're so judgmental um sometimes and we. like I said love to put people in boxes. and that's something that we all do.

>> but if you're aware of it you can. understand and be more forgiving towards. people. >> My second question is what is the worst. advice you've ever received? >> I guess stay in your lane. I think I've. been told so much in my life to. >> fit in a box. >> There's no boxes you need to fit in. >> Uh question number three. Your favorite look you've ever done for. Kim and JLo? >> Easy. Uh Kim's met ball. Um she did the. Mughal Air look. It was like the finger. waves look and JLo Super Bowl. Everyone.

I think unanimously they tell me they're. my favorite. >> Those are your favorites, too. >> They're everyone else's favorite. I. think your favorites. Listen, I'm going. against the grain. Everyone's going to. come for me, but I love a blonde Kim. And taking her platinum was a whole. thing. So, probably a blonde Kim. I love. that. Um and then JLo. I don't know. I. really like it when we did like a short. we did a short hairstyle for her on the. cover of a law and I loved it. Um just. cuz it was so different. I love seeing. someone really take on a different. character and a different story and just. try it out, you know, fearlessly.

>> I love that. Uh question number four. What do you see when you look at the. inner mirror now? So you told us you on. the outside sometimes you're like5. blonde hair, but. >> what does the inner mirror look like? I. think I see a guy that doesn't always. have it together, but absolutely tries. his best to be the best version of. himself. primarily to inspire my kids that they. can do the same. And now this book so.

other people feel like they can share. that journey with me. And I I want to. hear other people's stories. I want to. hear other people's journey. >> My greatest pain growing up was that no. one spoke no one spoke about it. No one. spoke about their experience. And I. think the more people that speak and. share their stories and their journeys, the more we can all learn. >> Mhm. >> And accept and grow. >> Well said. Uh, fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who's ever. been on the show. >> Yeah. >> If you could create one law that. everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? >> My one law would be that everyone stops,

looks in the mirror, and just says, "Is this enough? Is this what I wanted? Is this where I'm at?" And if so, great. But at least just to stop and really. look how did we get to where we got. >> to realize that if you want to change. you can. >> because like I say I've always done that. with my hands and sitting in the chair. but I realized there was this whole. world that people don't know about but. once you know you can't unsee it. >> Chris Appleton the book is called your. roots don't define you. Everyone who's.

been listening and watching I cannot. wait to see what you're taking away. I. want to see all the Tik Toks the. Instagram reels the stories. is I love. seeing what you extract from these. conversations apply in your own life. If. you've had a friend or family member. that you haven't even known what to say. to because they've been on a similar. journey, send this episode to them. I. think it's going to help a lot of people. on their personal journey of. transformation and reflection. And make. sure that you keep coming back. Make. sure you subscribe so that you never.

miss out on an episode because it's. stories like this that we built this. platform for where people can come and. talk about the ups, the downs, the real. healing, and what that actually looks. like. And I highly recommend you go and. grab a copy of Chris's book, Your Roots. Don't Define Define You. Uh, it's. available for pre-order right now as. we're speaking. Chris, thank you again. so much for trusting me, for trusting. the platform. >> Thank you for what you do, J. So open. and honest. It's a real privilege to be. here and share it with you because I.

feel like you too have shared your. journey and it's inspiring to a lot of. people. So, you know, you're a big. inspiration to me. So, to be here is. very honored. So, thank you for your. time. >> I genuinely have so much respect for you. to be able to talk about some really, really difficult stuff. And I think in. the world right now, this message is. really, really needed. There's a lot of. people that this book, this interview is. going to help. And so, thank you. And. I'm so grateful to you for using your. platform to spread this message. You. could talk about your life. You could. teach people how to build a big brand.

You could you could teach people to do. so many things, but the fact that you've. told them about your truth and how they. can find theirs is it's a really. beautiful offering and service. So, thank you, Chris. >> Thank you. >> Thanks so much. Thank you, mate. If you. love this episode, you will also love my. interview with Kendall Jenner on setting. boundaries to increase happiness and. healing your inner child. You could be. reading something that someone is saying. about you and being like, "That is so. unfair because that's not who I am." And. that really gets to me sometimes. But.

then looking at myself in the mirror and. being like, "But I know who I am. Why. does anything else matter?