BREAK The Cycle Of Self Sabotage & STOP Your Shame Spiral | La La Anthony

I grew up in a world where it's so. competitive even if I'm not the most. talented I'm the hardest worker until. you're burnt out and you don't have. anything else to give and then what look. I'm trying to talk to you about a job. opportunity do I look unemployed to you. you are emerging in Hollywood in such a. real way give it up for La anthy when my. whole marriage came crumbling down and I. was in that bed I was there by myself. nobody gets married and says I'm getting. divorced you get married because you. feel like you found your person and this. is what the rest of your life is going. to be like what can I do I have to. adjust before we jump into this episode.

I'd like to invite you to join this. community to hear more interviews that. will help you become happier healthier. and more healed all I want you to do is. click on the Subscribe button I love. your support it's incredible to see all. your comments and we're just getting. started I can't wait to go on this. journey with you thank you so much for. subscribing it means the world to me the. bestselling author and host the number. one Health and Wellness podcast on. purpose with J. shett Lala thank thank you so much for.

doing this honestly like I will always. show up for you you literally like you. came on the show when like I don't even. know anyone knew what the show was and. you I think we just connected online and. we'd started messaging and I was so. grateful when you came on and since then. we've stayed in touch we' always stayed. in touch and I always say you're my. friend and someone I could depend on and. you always say the right things at like. you just said something to me right now. I was like I needed to hear that I. needed to hear that like today's been. some time one of those days and I was.

like I needed that you always like know. exactly what to say you're very sweet. and I appreciate that and I want to. let's start there actually like one. thing I've been encouraging my friends. to do people that I love people I care. about is reflecting on difficult things. they've got through difficult things. they've broken through because I think. often we do a lot of difficult things. and I realized this through my mom. actually so my mom is a superwoman she. has done so many difficult things in her. life but she sees them as normal so she.

never stops to think oh I'm powerful and. I'm strong it's just the part of life. just a part of life so what's something. difficult or hard that you've done in. the last 12 months or recently that you. want to take a moment to just honor. yourself for that is so nice I should. honor myself I think you know learning. that healing is messy that's something. that I'm dealing with and it comes and. goes it's not always there but. understanding that there's no time limit.

on healing and giving myself credit for. healing and going through everything. that I've been through and learning that. I don't always have to act like. everything's okay if it's not I have a. tendency to do that like it's one thing. to not let people see you sweat which I. do understand that and you don't need to. put all your business on social media or. whatever but it's okay to feel things. and understand that healing is messy so. my mom sent me something recently that. was like you know be kind to yourself.

give yourself Grace because healing is. Messy as soon as you think like oh I'm. done with that I'm over that all of a. sudden it's like why is this still. making me feel like that or you hear. something or see something and like why. am I still a little bothered by that and. I hear you talk about this you know. there's no like time frame like okay. once it's been two months you're done. with whatever the difficult thing was. you shouldn't even be thinking about it. anymore could be years and something can. still pop up and Trigger you or whatever. and being kind to yourself during those. periods so I want to honor myself for.

just finally understanding healing is. messy and not being so hard on myself on. certain things to not say you should. have been done with that already why are. you still thinking about that or why did. that still bother you it's life we're. human we have feelings things happen as. you said when you walked in Life Is Life. Life Is lifing Life is lifing and you. know there's so many blessings in this. beautiful life and I'm blessed to have. the life that I have and I'm constantly. you know thanking God for this beautiful. life and sometimes you feel ungrateful.

or like what do you have to complain. about like you have a beautiful life. you're doing well might not have some of. the financial troubles or issues that a. lot of people are going through that I. have had you know before in my life but. it doesn't Shield you from feelings and. going through things and I think a lot. of time people kind of confuse that yeah. I think different platforms and. different levels have different problems. and they keep. changing the problems you have today. weren't the problems you had then and.

the problems you had then and not. problems you have today I feel like. healing is an interesting word because. everyone's looking at what happens on. the outside but what do you think you're. trying to heal on the inside like what. what have you discovered about what you. are trying to heal I think on the inside. I'm just trying to heal a person who. probably has dealt with feelings of like. abandonment a person who has dealt with. feelings of not feeling good enough or. definitely always having the questions. of like why me why do this have to. happen to me why me why did I have to go.

through this I give so much good in the. world I do so much for so many people. like why do I have to suffer or go. through what I feel like at times is. some of the hardest things to go through. but still keep a brave face still keep a. smile so understanding that like I. really do believe when people say you. know um that God gives his toughest. battles to his strongest soldiers and I. remind myself of that like you went. through it because you could and you. come out better and people can learn. from you and this can help somebody else.

and I just have to remind myself of. those things because you do get caught. up in the why me and like look at. everyone else they have this they have. that why me why am I you know whatever. it is so just getting better at that I. think yeah and when you talk to people. because I'm assuming that you know. sometimes when we have that view of like. oh they have it all or they have it all. I'm sure you talk to people behind the. scenes and realize they don't have it. all right right and so then how does. that make you feel when you realize oh. wait a minute they don't have it or yeah. I mean it doesn't make me feel good I'm. not wishing for anyone to be struggling.

or not happy but you just realize that. things are just not always what they. seem and you know in the world of social. media in the world of just constantly. like looking at everyone else whether. it's how they look their bodies or their. lives and saying oh I wish that could be. me it's like it's not reality you don't. know what people are dealing with you. don't know what people go home to you. don't know what's happening on the. inside and sometimes you do know cuz. you'll hear things or see things and. you're like oh I thought this person had. like the perfect life now out there.

whatever you know so it's just like. really honing in on making yourself. happy figuring out what it is that you. need and not comparing or always looking. at something else because if we do that. I just feel like you'll never be happy. and you'll never be satisfied because. there's always going to be somebody that. looks better dresses better younger more. talented whatever it is like so if. you're looking for a reason to knock. yourself down you're gonna find it like. it's not that hard you're gonna find it. so you have to be whole within yourself.

and I am confident Within Myself I'm not. insecure I'm confident and I do walk. with a certain level of confidence so. that part I'm good at dealing with the. kind of just like wow like why me do. certain things happen to I'm still you. know pushing through that and learning. every day like life is about learning I. don't think you're supposed to ever have. it all figured out you strike me as. somebody that has it all figured out but. you're learning every day and I think. when we have these conversations you. learn from us and vice versa like it's a. constant learning experience yeah I'm.

constantly trying it's really. interesting isn't it when you are in a. position of influence people often. assume that you do have it all figured. out right and I'm constantly I think. people who listen to the podcast they. know me very deeply and intimately. because they hear me say I struggled. with this this week or this is something. I'm going through but if someone just. sees a post on social media they think. oh yeah everything must be perfect and I. find that I encourage everyone and this. is why you coming on the podcast is so. great because I encourage everyone to.

study people they follow a bit deeper. not to take them down or to think happy. that they've got problems too not that. reason but the reason of like when you. really study someone or you get to know. someone you start to realize we're all. actually in a much more similar place. right it's so true and what I've learned. in my journey of life is you start. realizing no matter how much money how. much status or whatever like my friends. that I grew up with when I had you know. nothing are going through similar issues. as friends of mine who have all the.

money in the world all the success All. The People Are People what you deal with. every day is what you deal with every. day money status doesn't change that and. I think we live in a society where. people automatically assume money fixes. everything or influence fixes everything. or fame fixes everything not. understanding that there's so many. amazing things that come with I'm not. going to sit here and be like Oh being. successful being famous being whatever. is like the worst thing in the world I'm. not that person I'm so grateful for my. success my fame my influence and I don't. I don't I don't take it lightly but it.

doesn't mean that it protects me or. stops me from dealing with other things. and fame influence comes with other sets. of problems you know people feeling like. they can criticize you people feeling. like your life is an open book and they. can say anything a lot of us when we go. through things the whole world doesn't. have to know about it when people like. us go through things it's open for. discussion for the whole world and. everyone has an opinion and that's not. easy either so you just have to continue. to kind of strengthen yourself to be. able to deal with you know all of that.

that comes with it yeah I love what you. said there like I've thought about that. a lot too because you know last time you. came we were tracking your whole career. Journey like you've done you've hustled. you've worked hard you've done so much. to get to where you are today and I want. to get to that but for me as I've been. on this journey I've been reflecting on. what's changed over time as my external. Situation's changed and what makes me. feel protected and you use that word. protection and I've realized that of. course we have to have our internal. protection.

how we feel our our confidence our own. practices but I found that the thing. that makes me feel the most. protected is knowing the people around. me who really know me and how much. closer we get through that process like. I have to take so much strength in the. fact that the people around me not only. do they have my back but they actually. know me and understand me at a core and. I kind of take a lot of energy from that. do you do the same I I take so much. energy from that I'm like the people who. know they know the people that I need to.

depend on they're always there I'm. blessed to have an amazing family. amazing group of friends that are like. ride or die that I know are there no. matter what and it's something that I. don't take lightly so it's not about. proving to the world anything like if my. core group gets it knows me inside and. out knows my UPS knows my downs and are. there for me that's the energy I pull. from as well I want to talk to about. friendship I think a lot of people feel. quite even when you're close friends and. I'm sure you felt this it's hard to open.

up about things that are going wrong in. your life and I think a lot of people. are listening or watching that's. something that they can relate to where. it's like I have my friends but I don't. know how to tell them right that I'm. going through this or I know they'd care. about me but I don't want them to feel. sorry for me or maybe they're going. through so much stuff that I don't want. to put my stuff on them how have you. managed to keep strong. relationships as you've grown in life as. you've built your career how have you. managed to keep that core instead of.

losing it as you get more busy I think. that my friendships have gotten even. stronger because of those moments I. don't base my friendships off of you. know this person has only been around. when everything's been great or we only. talk about sunshine and flowers and. cupcakes like friends have to be there. through everything and you have to be. able to be okay with being raw and real. with people that you consider your. friend and don't throw that word around. lightly if you're saying this is my. friend this is my go-to you should be. able to share whatever is happening in. your life whether it's good or bad and. those are the things that Bond you you.

know through those I remember the. friends that were there for me when I. was going through my divorce when I was. publicly you know going through what I. was going through as a result of what. happened in my marriage like I remember. my friends that were there I remember. when my son was really young and had to. have surgery and who was there in that. moment like I remember all of that and. those were the strengthening moments of. our friendship now the fun stuff is. great too I remember my friends who've. been on vacation with me and got drunk. and had a great time but it's a balance.

you know the real friendships had a mix. of all of that stuff because that's what. life is life is not always just fun in. games life is up and down and up and. down that that's that's what life is was. there anything that a friend said to you. or guidance you heard when you were. going through a divorce that really. helped or that really stayed with you or. that you kind of carry around in your. heart just not to blame myself you know. this isn't your fault not to blame. myself that always kind of stuck with me. because it's easy to just blame yourself.

or get down on yourself or what was it. you know that I did and when I say not. blaming yourself I'm not saying don't. take accountability for whatever you. might have had to do with the situation. like it's important to sit back and say. okay where could I have been better. because life is about being better and. learning you don't want to just say oh. this happened it had nothing to do with. me you want to understand like where. could I have done better or where did. maybe I fall short on some things but. that's different than blaming yourself.

for what happened and I think by taking. accountability I was able to grow and. become a better person for whatever. happens in my life in the future you. don't go through these experiences not. to learn then what was the point like. you don't go through these experiences. to then duplicate the same issues in. your next relationship or your next. marriage or or whatever it is that's not. what that was there for it was to learn. to get better and then to apply that. knowledge to the next situation whether. it's a friendship relationship marriage.

whatever it is I love what you brought. out there and I want everyone to just. take note of that because I think we. think we either have to take full. responsibility or no responsibility so. we either blame the other person or we. blame ourselves and it's only either or. and the truth is it's so much more. balanced where it's like I don't want to. blame myself and beat myself up because. that's going to set me down a ter yeah. terrible spiral at the same time I'm not. going to sit here and just blame. everything on the other person because. that's not true and there's.

accountability on both sides and so let. me look at how can I be better but how. can I not beat myself up what is it that. you think you learned or what about you. do you think has become better or healed. or what have you worked on because of. that shift in your life um just a. balance you know understanding balance. I'm such a career-driven work driven. person that that could just take over my. life and that becomes what's you know. the most important to me outside of my. son there's never been anything that's. is more important than cayenne and you.

know this you just get caught up in the. work and next thing you know friends or. Partners or whatever are feeling. neglected or like I just feel like you. never have time or you're not making. them feel special in their you know. moments and and being there for them. because it's like you got to film one. more podcast I got to go to set I got to. film one more episode I got to go do. this really fast but it'll be quick and. I'll come right back you know and then. you realize when people friends as well. are feeling like neglected in those. departments problems can happen that you. start looking for other ways to fulfill.

that void and that that need and that's. how things happen so again it's not. blaming myself but just being aware of. things that happen and and finding that. that balance and getting better at that. balance and I need to balance Jay for. myself it's not even for a partner for. myself because I should be okay with. having a personal life and a. professional life and not feel guilty I. was the person that if I went on a. vacation I felt guilty like I got to. work I can't be doing this like I don't. want people to think I'm just having a.

good time I should be on set I should be. doing and like really beating myself up. meanwhile I work my ass off I should be. able to take a vacation if I want to. take a month off I should be able to do. that I've worked I've been in this. industry since I was 16 years old I. should be able to do that I have enough. equity in the game with all I've given. it to be able to do that but I still. would feel so guilty over that so that's. the balance that I'm talking about yeah. no I I'm really glad that you went that. step further of like it's giving. yourself to your friends a potential.

partner but also to yourself what do you. think it was for you that blocked you. from giving yourself that permission and. the reason I asked that is because I was. looking at the studies in the US and it. was saying how so many people don't take. all of their leave from work like most. people are not taking their leave and. there's not even that much leave in the. US to take so when I was in the UK you. get like 30 days off a year wow and like. I think here yeah and here it's not that. many and so when I moved here and I. remember looking at that and I was. thinking wow and still people aren't.

taking time off I think that's something. people can relate to that a lot of. people struggle to think well maybe when. I come back I'll have so many more. emails oh my God I'm going to be so. behind oh my gosh I won't get promoted. this year oh my gosh I might get let go. I'm competing with this person I may. become irrelevant I have to stay on top. of stuff what was it for you that kind. of do you think stopped you from giving. yourself permission to have a balance. definitely a fear and you and I always. talk about fear a fear of someone's. going to come and take my job or. someone's going to come and take my.

place or I used to take so much pride in. being like you know even if I'm not the. most talented I'm the hardest worker no. one can outwork me and that was like my. badge of honor like I will outwork. everyone until you're burnt out and you. don't have anything else to give and. then what they move on to the next. person anyway so it's like you have to. take care of yourself and I had to learn. that because I would just go until I. couldn't go anymore and then not have. anything to give to anyone because I. didn't have that balance but that was. all because of fear and not also.

believing in myself enough to say I'm. enough and if someone is able to just. come and take this from me it was never. mind to begin with and really being okay. with that um but I just think we well I. grew up in in a world where it's so. competitive and it's like you know you. can't take your foot off the gas as soon. as you do it somebody else is coming or. don't even give you know somebody else a. chance to take your spot whatever that. even means but that's the culture I grew. up in and what I was condition and. brainwashed to always believe so it was.

like go till you can't go anymore and. now I'm like I'm not doing that anymore. have I reached a place where I found the. perfect balance no but I am getting. better at it I just told you I took a. trip I was at a couple different places. prior to that I took Cayenne to the. Cayman Islands and we had a great time. and I felt happy I felt not guilty for. doing that and I felt okay with posting. about it not thinking like oh they're. going to think this girl she's always on. vacation or something like that I felt. good about there cuz I deserve it and I.

need to do that absolutely absolutely. and I love hearing the the practical. ways in which it's actually taking part. it's really interesting it's so much. about like what we get our significance. from like what makes us feel worthy and. for some of us it's overworking for some. of us it's overgiving for some of us. it's oversharing and it's like what. makes you feel worthy today what makes. you feel worthy and happy today. definitely my son like he makes me so. happy because you start start really. seeing the influence you have over your.

child at a certain age where it's like. wow everything I've taught him or things. I've tried to drill in his head now I'm. seeing it actually come to for wishing. or he's repeating things to me that I'm. like oh he was listening to me when I. said that or he is following my guidance. or advice you know he's 16 years old now. and he's making a career in a lane for. himself in basketball and you know he's. doing so well but I just see how humble. he is how kind he is how he is all about. you know giving back to the community.

and all the things that are so important. to me now I'm just seeing him take on. all of that same stuff and that makes me. so happy because I feel like you know I. did a great job and it's not like I'm. done being a parent but I did a great. job thus far of being a parent and never. allowing whatever was happening in my. life or to affect my parenting or AFF. how I was with you know my child that's. something that makes me happy and. something I'm really proud of cuz that's. noty easy you know to deal with.

day-to-day life and ups and downs and. then come home and be you know there for. your child and and and be willing to. just listen to their needs and what they. have going on that's not easy what's. been the biggest thing you think he's. taught you definitely patience everyone. says like you don't experience love till. you have a child and you're like what. does that really mean like I know what. it's like to love someone but it. definitely is a different kind of love. so just unconditional love patience. and you know I always say that my son is.

my best friend now it's interesting. because people say that and I don't know. if you've read about this J I'm curious. to know your take people will say that. your children should not be your best. friend that you should be a parent and. your child should not be your best. friend I'm on the other side of it my. son is my best friend and I'm still able. to be a parent and have him as my best. friend and best friend I mean I spent. more time with my son than anyone else I. live with my child so he's the person I. live He's my roommate essentially and. knows me in every shape and form the.

Happy Days the sad days everything and. there's nothing I don't feel like we can. talk about on his side on my side to me. those are all the qualities of a best. friend do I still parent him and. discipline him and of course I do but. there's a lot of I read a lot of talk. about that and sometimes when I write. like hanging with my best friends like a. your son shouldn't be your best friend. like you should just be a parent that's. the problem these days parents trying to. be their kids friends and this and that. I Come From a Different yeah I I mean I. call I'm obviously I'm not a parent so I.

can't answer it from that perspective. but if I think about it with my parents. I would say at this point I'm good. friends with my parents I would say I. wish we were best friends growing up. okay and I felt that I was parented. which made me actually not tell them. stuff and and keep secrets and do my own. thing and not really have that open. relationship with them which I wish I. think would have been healthier for me. and for them and now I'm glad that it's. evolved to where it has but I agree I.

would have liked to have been friendlier. with my parents when I was younger. because I think I could have avoided a. lot of the mistakes I made had I had. that relationship with them and felt. comfortable talking to them about. certain yeah I was always scared to tell. them anything to get in trouble exactly. and so and and I don't think that that. was a healthy feeling as a child of oh. I'm going to get into trouble if I do. not as a child as a teenager right uh. when I was a child I was obedient anyway. but when I was a teenager it's like I. think that's the age if you can be. friends with your old that's pretty dope. because and being friends Jay doesn't.

mean he doesn't get in trouble because. if he does something wrong he gets in. trouble or you know I have to sit down. and taught him but I think it's the. approach and the way because sometimes. just yelling or it's not effective at. least from what I've seen with other. people parenting you know and I don't. judge anyone's parenting but yelling. screaming like they're not hearing you. so sometimes just having an honest. conversation on why you shouldn't have. done that or why that was wrong for me. that gets me further than like what are. you thinking why like they they're.

blocking you out they're not hearing you. anyway I actually went through something. like that the other day so I bumped into. someone and I was talking to their. teenager he was probably like maybe like. 14 15 okay and his mom was like behind. me like telling him what to ask me and. it was almost like she was making it out. like he wouldn't ask good questions. right like not giving him the. opportunity yeah and the thing is he was. actually asking really smart questions. and I was like really engaged but I. could see that kept distracting him and. he kept being like Mom just I'm I'm.

talking I got it I got it right and it. was just really and I'd look back and. and I'd smile I'd be like he's cool like. you know it's all right and it was just. really interesting to me like she didn't. trust that she'd actually been an. amazing parent right and taught him well. and put him in a situation where he can. handle him yeah and he was doing great. and I and I turned I said to her. afterwards I was like I just want you to. know like you must have raised your son. really well because he was so present he. asked me I was so impressed by a. 15-year-old asking those kind of. questions like I wanted her to know that. too because I guess guil and reflecting.

and like kind of feeling like it's never. good enough must be a big part of what. you carry too yeah for sure that's a. real thing you know Mom guilt and just. everything you just said is is just so. real because again we get in a habit of. beating ourselves up for everything so. it's like blaming ourselves for. everything so you know my son's like. this because of whatever so it is nice. when I always say the biggest compliment. I've ever heard is when people tell me. your son's so well-mannered he's so. humble he's so down or if he cares about. people like that makes me feel better.

than anything any award any any you know. high-rated TV show what a movie anything. like someone to tell me that my kid is. kind and humble and well-mannered that's. like the best thing I could ever hear. yeah that's beautiful I love hearing. that and I I want to talk about your. career cuz last time you came we kind of. did a a full like biography of like all. the jobs and like how you started we. talked about your first job and how you. broke through what about you're a driven.

ambitious person still despite. everything you've achieved what is that. drive pursuing today like what does that. look like right now I'm always trying to. figure out what my next thing is um I'm. always working extremely hard I think I. still am close enough to remember what. not having felt like to continue to push. myself the way I do I'm not that far. removed from remembering what that felt. like and it lives in me and it's close. to me so I'm like I don't like that I.

don't want to go back there so that's. the motivation and the drive to continue. to push forward and I enjoy it like I. like working I mean my mom tells me all. the time like you don't think you should. just like take a break and I'm like Mom. I like working some people like other. things I like working some people you. know rather be at home and do certain. things which is fine everyone has a. different motivation I like working that. brings me happiness that brings me joy. so I push myself in that in that. department but for me I'm always trying. to see what's next right now you know.

I'm I'm heavy in the acting space. producing space really big on my prison. reform charity which takes up a lot of. my time and you know giving back in that. way is so important to me so those are. kind of where my immediate focuses are. right now but there's always so many. things you know happening with the. acting and production like what part of. it right now do you feel most immersed. and in love with because you've done. both for a while now it's like what's. the project that's kind of like bringing. you alive right now so you know just. finding projects that I'm interested in.

producing is so amazing because you can. now bring something that you love to. life and you can be in control of that. IP or whatever it is and bring it to. life so producing just puts you in. control for so long as an actor you're. waiting for someone else to give you an. opportunity you're auditioning with 10. other girls that look very similar to. you and just hoping that hey pick me. pick me I'm the right person for the. role and nine times out of 10 you never. you don't get picked I mean you get. those lucky times but for the most part.

you don't get you don't always get. picked so by producing you're not. waiting now you're creating and you're. also putting yourself in a position to. create jobs and opportunities for other. people and that's what I'm about opening. the doors for other people to come in. and you know have these experiences and. be able to give them you know a piece of. what I have going on so that's what I. love about producing and just going out. there and finding projects that mean. something to me and it's not always. about like oh I want to produ this cuz I. want it to be huge success of course you. want things you do to be a huge success.

but sometimes you want to do it for you. like this I'm passionate about this I. want to tell this story and whoever gets. it gets it maybe this is not the billion. dollar hit or whatever maybe this is. just for a small group of people that. are into this but that matters to me so. it that's what gets me excited from the. producing standpoint and acting I'm I am. on a show so it's great to just have. steady work and I love you know the. people I work with I love the show I'm a. part of um it's it's incredible and it's. nice to just always have that kind of in.

the stash yeah absolutely you you spoke. about rejection there again another. thing I think people relate to whether. they're auditioning applying for jobs. like it's one of those things that we. all face in life in different Realms and. I think people often think that when you. get to a certain level of success you. don't get rejection anymore true how. does that feel like after having had you. I don't know how many auditions you must. have done more than I could ever count. right like how many like taped auditions. like in person in person signing the. contract before thinking that I.

definitely had the job just to find out. that they're not going with me I mean. I've had everything happen to me does it. get easier and how do you react to. rejection differently today than you did. 16 years ago so today I realized that. most of the time it has nothing to do. with you there's so many other factors. and now being on the producing side I. see the other factors could be anything. could be height just could be how you. you stand next to your co-star could be. a million things that are out of your. control is not a decision based on you.

weren't good enough or you weren't. talented enough and once I realized that. I got better with dealing with it and. also being happy and grateful for the. person who did get the job cuz for. whatever reason they were the right. person for that job not feeling like oh. why they give it to them and not me like. actually leading with Grace and kindness. and realizing that because I started. doing that more good things started. happening for me but in the beginning it. was like like oh they don't like me oh I. didn't do a good job oh they think I.

suck I shouldn't be doing this like I. was ready to give up on acting a hundred. times I was like clearly this is the one. thing that's never going to happen for. me like I had to have one thing that. just wasn't going to go this is it but I. just kept being persistent kept learning. kept getting better and then realizing. now a lot of the decisions are not based. on Talent there's just so many other. factors when my videos were first seen. like seven years ago around a year later. a TV production company had reached out. and said we want to make a TV show about.

your work right and I was like this is. so cool I never imagined in a million. years that that would even be possible. and so we we made the deck we went and. like pitched it all these companies and. it was really interesting because no one. took the show I was really passionate. about the idea we' created I thought it. was really cool and different and no one. cared like it didn't even go beyond the. first meeting like from the first. meeting I was like we're not sure and. it's really interesting to me because I. was talking about this with a friend a. couple of weeks ago and I was saying. that one thing that happened was it. built a number of long-term friendships.

so everyone I met at those pictures not. everyone but some of the people have. become long-term friends that I actually. still see now socially even though we. never did anything professional so there. was a massive win the other thing was it. gave me a great experience of what that. process is like I'd never done it before. and now I actually understand what that. looks like and it was a complete. learning curve but the third one which. is the best one is I often say to people. had I had been given that show I.

potentially may never have started this. podcast I potentially may never have. written my book I potentially may never. have gone on tour this year because I. wouldn't have had this opportunity to. have to build my own work that's so true. that's what I want to remind people is. like just trust in the timing as long as. you're moving forward that's it and I. think that's the mistake that we often. make is that our disappointment slows us. down or like our feeling of failure. forces us to just switch off yeah and. instead when you're moving shifting.

figuring things out discovering. anything's possible yeah it's so true. and it's funny because on our last. podcast the I'm say it's been years and. you said that clip is still viral but we. talk about fear and we always say that. people stop because they're disappointed. or fear right before something great is. going to happen like you stop and don't. even realize right past that if you push. past that feeling if you push past that. amazing things are going to happen and. because of our talk I realized how much. that resonated with people like don't.

let the fear and disappointment stop you. because you don't know what's going to. happen after that let it build you let. it build your character let it build. your armor to be strong to go through. these things so that you can keep like. you said as long as you're moving. forward it's just so important what What. Fear are you trying to push forward from. right now in your life I'm such a people. pleaser and I've always wanted to even. as a young kid I've always wanted to be. liked by everyone I was that person like. I wanted everybody to be my friend and.

it's funny because people say all the. time oh LA's friends with everybody. everybody loves la la which is great I. don't think everybody loves me but. that's great but also being okay with. understanding that you'll never be able. to please everyone especially in this. day and age of we talked about social. media everyone now having a platform to. comment to tell you what you're doing. wrong and speak about who you are as a. person people that don't don't even know. you there was a time where that would. have really rattled me and bothered me. because it's like well you don't even. know me you never even had a. conversation with me if you knew me you.

would love me you would see I'm this. type person now it's like I'm secure in. myself like so I'm continuing to push. through that fear of wanting to be liked. or the fear of someone not liking me I. should say that the fear of someone not. liking me I've gotten so much better at. that and just embracing the people that. love me and care about me another thing. my mom's always told me I I quote my mom. a lot she's she's a very smart person. another thing my mom always told me is s. celebrate the people that are there you. you know you can have a party or a get.

together and the first thing you'll say. is well why didn't so and so come yeah. damn I invited so and so why aren't they. here you're not even acknowledging the. 10 15 20 people that came to support you. on your birthday or whatever the. occasion was well damn I invited so and. so they didn't even come like I always. remind myself of that celebrate the. people who are there for your moments. who want to be there with you and stop. worrying about the person who wasn't. there same thing with comments everyone. Jay we love you you're the greatest we.

listen to everything that one person. who's like Jay what the hell are you. talking about you don't know what you're. talking you're like zooming in on that. want to find out you want to respond you. want to go to their page see how they. look and all but you just had a thousand. comments about how wonderful you are and. that want to just throw people off I've. just gotten so much better at that I. won't give somebody that much power over. me and again I want to celebrate the. people who are celebrating me that's. what I'm getting better at yeah no I. love that you said I I literally it was. a habit that I used to have where you'd.

see all these good reviews or good. comments and you would literally just. scroll past them just waiting for the. negative one and I've CH true lit right. like you're just you're treating the. good ones like oh yeah sure of course I. don't you don't really mean that and. then when someone says something bad and. I've trained myself now like I genuinely. do this and I talk about in the podcast. a lot I will sit there and I will read a. positive review I'll read a comment a. positive comment and I'll let it sit. here it's so important and I'll just let. it sit there and I'll let myself accept.

it because for so long I just tried to. like not let myself accept it and I. don't mean Let It Go to your head I mean. like feel it in your heart like someone. felt like telling you that your work or. your words or whatever it was your life. or that clip of you on the last podcast. like that that made a difference in. their lives let that just let yourself. receive that and I wish all of us would. allow ourselves to receive love as. seriously as we receive hate it's so. true when you see hate you don't think.

that might not be true you just accept. that it must be true whereas when you. see love you think oh yeah they didn't. really mean that oh it probably isn't. that real right it's so interesting how. we second and it's interesting because. we'll believe that hate is true from. someone who doesn't even know us yeah. this is coming from someone who never. had a conversation with you who knows. nothing about you so it's like it's it's. the wrong way to think but you had to. train yourself to think differently I. had to train myself to think different. for me A lot of times it's better for me. just not to read anything because I.

still can get hyperfocus on so I don't I. don't really get caught up in that I get. caught up in more like when people stop. me and say you know love you L thanks. for this or whatever it is those are my. genuine you know moments and I do still. sometimes you know take a peek but I. don't go too deep that's safer I but I. don't I don't I don't go too deep I. think that's safer and and of and. sometimes when I see criticism I'll also. allow myself if I'm in a good space cuz. I agree with you like what I'm sharing.

is when you're in a good space if you're. really struggling with it just turn it. off and get away from it I'm fully with. you but if I am in a good place I'll. look at criticism and I'll say let me. take the feedback and leave the. criticism like how do I do that like how. do I listen to this allow it in but then. leave the part that that is kind of the. Venom in it or the spite or the. ferociousness like take that out and. take the feedback because there could be. something for me to learn and I'm open. constructive the constructive part. criticism I do understand that I don't.

think all of us are there yet neither am. I I'm just I'm just I'm trying yeah. exactly we're we're trying and and a lot. of us you know are still struggling with. understanding what being love feels like. or never being loved growing up you know. I work with so many people through my. charity and just people I know who you. realize some of the basic principles of. just love they've never experienced and. don't understand what that is but they. do understand hate being told you're not. good enough being ignored not being paid.

attention to so they gravitate more to. that because that's what they're used to. so it's just about changing the. narrative and I talk about that with you. know the group that I work with through. through my charity 360 all the time is. like changing the narrative changing. those negative thoughts into positive. thoughts so those that's really. important what got you involved in the. prison reform work and what is the thing. that you think would surprise us to. learn about it because you've actually. spent you're working with people it's. your charity it's your project what do.

you think would surprise us I think that. people would be surprised how simply. changing a person's environment and. simply loving someone can be all you. need to actually see a complete change. in a person telling someone you love. them telling someone you're proud of. them is sometimes enough to just. completely change a person and realizing. that those simple words a lot of people. have never even heard before it's. mindblowing that I'll sit with the young.

men in my program I mostly work with. young men ages 18 to 21 and they will. tell me they've never heard someone say. I love you before they've never heard. definitely never heard someone say I'm. proud of you what have I ever done to. for someone to be proud of me or. definitely just never knew what feeling. important to somebody was and when they. start feeling that the change you see in. them when I put them in situations. whether it's jobs or things to thrive. like how amazing they've been doing just. because the environment is different you.

can love somebody all you want and then. put them back in that same toxic you. know dysfunctional environment and then. like well why are they acting like this. they shouldn't be acting like this why. are they being a menace to society I. mean but we wouldn't last one day in a. household like that you know and just. being compassionate so love and a. changing environment are like two of the. key things that I've seen where I've. seen the most success and the most. change for sure yeah that is that that. is fascinating and how do you get like I.

guess the external perception is. everyone would be quite hard in prison. and be quite cold how do you have a. conversation about love and compassion. and empathy with someone who hasn't had. it before like how do you even start. that conversation because I think the. perception would be they'd just be like. I don't need to be loved like there'd be. a certain like kind of Shield to it is. that real is that true or do you find. it's quite easy to talk when I first. come in it's not easy there's like if. it's a new group it's kind of the Stone.

Face mean yeah yeah we know la la but. what she what she going to talk to us. about but it's really just having real. authentic conversations when you talk to. somebody Jay you just have that talent. to where they know you're speaking from. a genuine place when you talk to me I'm. like I got to listen to what Jay's. saying like I got what what would Jay. doing the situation you just have that. so it's like when you're speaking from. your heart and you're leading with love. people feel that even the hardest people. feel that because at everyone's core.

what do we want we want to be loved. everyone wants to be Lov whether they've. experienced or not at everyone's core. they want to be loved so I'm going to. hit you in that place that just wants to. be loved and I'm also going to make you. understand that I understand what you've. been through I understand why you may. have made some of these choices and. guess what I'm not judging you but I'm. pushing you to do better and that's how. I kind of run my group and what we talk. about and once they hear that and feel. that it just melts away they just want.

to hug they just want you to tell them. you love them they just want to sit down. and have some food with you it just like. melts away and it's it's emotional it's. incredible to see and I wish that more. people could be involved in the work and. see this instead of just you know. writing certain people off because of. whatever they've been through because. one thing I always say is hey these guys. in my program are not going anywhere so. you got two choices they can either be. an asset to our communities or they can. be a problem which one do you want cuz.

they're not going anywhere so I rather. mold them and work with them to be. assets and great fathers and great. Community leaders and great workers in. our community then be a problem and. sometimes all they really need is to. feel supported and to feel loved that's. been my experience for sure what Drew. you to that work specifically I mean you. could have started something about. anything in the world why what was it. deeply inside of you that was like this. is where I want to put my energy and. efforts I think just just growing up. that's always been a part of life like.

knowing someone who's in jail seeing. different things but feeling helpless. like what can I do I can just go visit. write a letter here and there I'm not in. a position to do anything you would see. things that you wanted to change but. feel helpless and now I'm I'm in a. position where I can actually make. change you know I can actually use my. voice and my platform to make a change. and help people I care about who are. still incarcerated or people who have. been incarcerated you know help them.

change their experience and provide them. with different things that people before. us didn't have so I'm going to use my. platform for that and also as a mom of a. 16-year-old a young black man I. understand you know how all of us are. one decision or one bad moment away from. being any of the kids that I deal with. who are incarcerated right now how many. of my kids was just wrong place at the. wrong time hanging with with the wrong. crowd we can relate to that I have a son.

like he could be at the wrong place at. the wrong time trying to be cool running. with a certain group of kids anything. can happen so I'm sympathetic to that. and I think that's where I draw my. inspiration from to want to do the work. did you see the lack of support like. breaking families like did it how how. bad did it get it got bad it got bad I. saw it it it got bad I had you know one. of the closest people to me mother was. incarcerated for many many years just. seeing what it was like for him to grow.

up without his mom you know being there. she was there in every way but she was. incarcerated she was an amazing she is. an amazing mother but she was. incarcerated and just watching what what. that felt like and feeling like there's. got to be a way to still hold the family. bonds even with this going on so just. seeing things and like this doesn't make. sense or this is supposed to be a. rehabilitation but there's no. Rehabilitation going on where are the. programs where are things so that people. can come out and not do the same. mistakes or be better equipped to make.

better decisions like what are we doing. and now again being in a position I. would see all of that but again feel. helpless like what am I going to do I. can't do anything all I could do is go. visit on the visiting days buy some food. out the vending machine and call it a. day like what am I going to do but now I. can do something so it's just what I've. become so passionate about and when I. look at the young men in my program I. always say I speak to them and look at. them the same way I talk talked to. Cayenne my son who's 16 years old. because they're 18 they're two years.

away from cayenne and dealing with some. of the same struggles and issues that I. see Cayenne goes through you know. insecure trying to fit in trying to be. the cool kid you know all of these. things that you know sometimes can lead. to bad decisions and and trouble if you. don't have strong family and strong. support and they don't have that yeah. could you tell us maybe some of the. stories that you've seen of people you. know coming back into society and some. of the moments where you're like wow. this is like it's inspiring and. forgiving yeah so I did I had a kid in. my program his name is Rondo and while.

he was incarcerated I bought someone who. worked for reform Alliance which is. founded by Michael Rubin Meek Mill Jay-Z. I had Jessica Jackson who works really. close with with Kim um Kardashian so. they came and they visited and Rondo. just stood out to them and I remember. Jessica telling him when you get out I'm. going to have a job for you you really. have blew me away won me over and they. waited and waited for him to come out. when he came out he came out like on a.

Thursday I was at the court when they. released him he came out on Thursday he. was in that office on Monday starting. his job working so hard and now when you. see this kid Jay it's unbelievable he's. traveled the whole country he's spoken. on platforms with Kim who's my best. friend obviously so I'm like Kim and. Rondo side by side talking about prison. reform him speaking to the the Gen Z. population about you know what needs to. be done his experience is I'm just mind. blowing I found this kid in Riker's.

Island fighting you know dealing with so. many different things and now he's side. by side with Kim and Michael Rubin not. too long ago I'm like he's at Michael. rubin's house like hosting a panel and. different it's just it's mind-blowing. and what was it opportunity change of. environment love that made the change. and we have others you know that are. following in the same path but it's. amazing to see it's like it makes you. just feel like it's all worth it like. you just like everything I'm doing is. worth it yeah that's beautiful thank you. so much for sharing that with us I think.

it's it's hard sometimes to you know. connect the dots I was talking to I. think you probably know Scott as well. Scott Budnick I Scott I was dinner at. Scott like a couple of weeks ago and so. passion and for those of people who. don't know Scott made the three hangover. movies but then also made just Mercy. yeah you know that movie for him was all. about prison reform and changing the. narrative and trying to give people an. opportunity and rethinking. you know how we feel about people and. and how we how we treat people who've.

made certain decisions and it's so. phenomenal to hear that so many people. also all of you are collaborating yeah. for sure in order to do this for sure. you can't do this type of work Al J you. need a support system and my charity. again is 360 and I'm so happy to have. reform Alliance as a partner who really. guide me and help me because I'm new to. the space I'm not new to the experience. but I'm new to the space and just. learning and navigating and them just. really holding my hand through the whole. thing has been great you can't do it you.

know alone but it's a challenging space. but such a rewarding space at the same. time yeah Lala what's you know you've. had such a career in the public eye life. in the public eye what's something about. you that you think people don't know. that you'd you'd love them to know. people around me always say like people. don't know how funny you are like I'm. joking around all the time like I'm. always up for having a good time like I. want to be the life of the party and I. love seeing everyone around have a good. time those are some things like I'm just. learning to just enjoy you know life and.

and the new chapter in my life you know. it still is new coming from you know. being married not anymore and just like. what does that look like and that's what. I said you know you can't put a time. frame on things people would think oh by. now she would already be in another. relationship or be married again or. whatever and none of that has happened. yet and I'm okay with that I'm just. going with the flow and whichever way. life takes me I'm just I'm just going. that way and just understanding that. everything happens when it's supposed to.

not rushing things just enjoying the. moment yeah I definitely found your. humor came through when I first met you. and I was just cracking up everything. you saying and I was just like you know. it's you you definitely feel that when. you meet someone and it's it's. interesting because yeah I feel like. people say the same when I'm when I'm on. stage or when I'm in person I'm. hopefully a lot funnier than I am on my. social media page when I'm with my wife. I'm definitely funnier cuz I'm borrowing. from her cuz she's hilarious right but. it's so hard transitioning and it's so.

hard transitioning in the public eye. because it's almost like you have all. these opinions it's you have other. people's narratives you're still trying. to figure things out yourself and it's. almost like I almost liking it I always. say to people imagine you're going. through something and everyone in your. family everyone in your friend circle is. talking about it and everyone has their. version that's what you're experiencing. at a news level or a World level right. and and that's very difficult when you. are either in that space yourself or you. have friends in that space and you see.

how challenging it is and you're saying. you're trying to enjoy the moment and. and you haven't obviously like you're. saying you haven't just moved on and. it's not as easy is the hardest thing. about it that you thought life was going. a certain way and then it didn't is that. the hardest thing about it that's the. hardest thing you don't get married to. get divorced nobody gets married and. says I'm getting divorced you get. married because you feel like you found. your person and this is what the rest of. your life is going to be like and you. start building a with this person and. then something changes that you weren't. prepared for that you don't have the.

tools and skills to no one's going to. prepare you for a divorce you're married. right now Jay nobody's telling you Jay. come sit down let me tell you what's. going to happen when you get divorced. nobody nobody's doing that we're wishing. you and your wife the best to ride off. into the sunset forever together so. you're not equipped with the knowledge. and the tools on what to do emotionally. or anything when that happens and then. you just find yourself in a position to. just figure it out so that's that's. really difficult and Life For Me looks. different right now and I still have.

those moments where I can be at home and. I'm like you could never tell me that. this would be my life right now and I'm. not saying that's a bad thing I love my. life right now but you know owning a. home by by myself my son and I you know. living together then on certain days him. going to stay with his dad and then I'm. home alone and it's still a family but. separate in a sense you know and just. okay well what time you coming home to. like you could have never told me that. that was going to be my life but what. can I do I have to adjust like I have to. adjust and be strong and figure out what.

the new Norm is this is my new normal. and I just had to adjust to it was it. easy of course not and are there still. days where it can hit you and and be. really hard yeah and I want to be honest. and tell people that because it's been a. while for me and you would really think. that by now like that's something I. never think about anymore of course I do. had a family like a beautiful family and. now I still have a family but it's just. looks a little bit different and I'm. okay with that but it's still your.

moments where you're like wow this is. this is different yeah absolutely and. and I guess it sounds like both of you. have been able to be there for cayenne. so that he's having yeah the. co-parenting is strong with us and. that's something I'm very grateful for. because whatever happened between me and. his dad I don't feel like Cayenne should. have to suffer because of that so we try. to do a good job at co-parenting and. still you know leading with love and and. kids are going to be a reflection of. what they see like I could tell him all. day oh you know no me and your dad but. if he sees us arguing all the time or.

never around each other then it doesn't. matter what I say but we make it a point. for him to see us getting along and both. being there for his moments his. basketball games his school plays you. know parent teacher conference whatever. it is so he always feels supported. because one day cen's going to have a. family and I want him to understand you. know what having a family means and even. though mom and dad might not have been. able to figure it out in the traditional. way we still you and my hope is that he.

can do better than we did and you know. what it is what's really interesting. about that is I don't know anyone whose. life is actually traditional in the. traditional way like even even people. who stayed together forever like I don't. know it's so interesting right like how. we have these stereotypes and these. views of like what a healthy successful. relationship looks like between a family. people friendships like my relationship. with my parents is very different to. what I would consider the traditional. perfect relationship with your parents.

because I just that wasn't our way and. and it's so interesting because you kind. of almost always make yourself feel. guilty or shamed for not having the. traditional thing but then when I. actually think of like who has the. traditional setup I don't no has it and. I think the more you go through life you. start understanding and realizing that. and now my saying is like whatever works. for them like whatever like who am I to. judge and say it shouldn't be this way. it should only be this way I mean. nothing nothing is traditional anymore. people just have to figure out what. works for them and what that looks like.

for them like if it works for you that's. what matters because at the end of the. day I always say when you're going. through something when you're down when. you're depressed more times than not. you're dealing with that alone you have. your friend support but I'm saying in. those critical moments when you're in. that bathroom looking in that mirror and. you're crying and going through stuff. you're going through that alone so make. decisions that make you happy and not. worrying about what everybody else is. going to say or how people are going to. view me because in those Quiet Moments. You Are by yourself and you have to face.

yourself whatever that looks like and I. had to learn that because again the. people please earn me what is this one. going to say or is this one going to be. mad if I do this I got to make this one. happy and it was always about everybody. else and putting myself last and then. when I when my whole you know marriage. came crumbling down and I was in that. bed I was there by myself and I had to. deal with that by myself yeah that's the. truth what is being loved by yourself. and someone else look like now for you. what have you learned about how you want.

to be loved by yourself and potentially. by anyone else um words hold so much. power getting better at like speaking. nicely to myself being kind not that I. used to just like beat myself up and say. negative things but like wow look how. much you've accomplished look how many. people you've helped look at the son. you've raised like you've done really. really good in the public eye you've. never like just crumbled and fell apart. you were able to keep it together you. went through something that would break. most people like what I went through.

would have broken a lot of people and I. handled it with as much grace as I. possibly could and afterwards I it. didn't make me change how I feel about. like love I don't know if marriage is. stilling the cards for me it's kind of. changed my perception on that one of my. friends was like you cannot go on. podcast and say you're never getting. married again I'm like so I'm open I'm. just saying that I don't know if that's. in the cards but I'm being open to. whatever happens and being loved by.

somebody else at this point to me is. just really aligning with somebody that. makes me feel happy makes me feel like I. can be myself and somebody who I just. enjoy being around it's not like I'm. looking for someone to take care of me. it's not like I'm looking for a father. for my son and we have all of those. things now it's about how are you. connecting with with me how are you. making me feel and I get a excited when. I think that or believe that that person. is out there somewhere and who is it.

going to be like and when are they going. to come find me like you know I get. excited about those things because who. doesn't want that in their life I don't. think you're meant to just go through. life alone like who doesn't want that. there's so much of what you've said. today which is so relatable to so many. so like connected to so many people's. hearts when you bring it out of me Jay. you just make it so comfortable and I. just I mean I follow you I follow your. words your podcast I'm on your page all. the time I'm always looking for quotes. from your page but there's sometimes I.

got to be careful cuz I'm like if I post. this quote they're going to think I'm. talking about so so like I'm always like. cuz some of your quotes are just so spot. on I'm like that's exactly what I was. thinking so I'm always going to your. page finding quotes I have a million. screenshots of your quotes in my phone. but just thank you for being there for. all of us in the way that you are and. just making everybody feel so. comfortable and loved and you know I I. I've read your book I follow what you. say in some of my hard moments I refer.

to your podcast and different things and. it just really helps me so I just. appreciate that you're just going to. pick up the phone yes I got to pick I. don't want to bother you yeah just call. okay so then I I'll pick up the phone no. I I just really really really believe. that if we just look at the essence of. the humanness in everyone that we meet. and you just realize like everyone is so. beautiful and wonderful and powerful and. phenomenal but we just we've missed it. because we've all been covered over.

right by everything else and even that. person may not be able to see that in. themselves and I just I try and see. people through the eyes that I hope one. day they'll be able to see themselves. through and that's my only goal really. in in how I try and live I don't want to. live to to judge or criticize or compare. or be better than anyone or holier than. anyone like it's if if we could all just. look at each other as equals like true. equals because we are at our Essence. we're exactly the same every single.

person every single animal being on this. planet is exactly the same in the. essence in the pure sense of it all and. I think all we can do for each other is. provide a safe space the world's hard. enough anyway it's so hard it's all hard. it's all hard enough anyway so thank you. for saying those kind words but thank. you for always opening your heart with. me opening your mind and I know this is. going to help so many people who listen. to it is there anything that I didn't. ask you that you wanted to share that we. always give. in this it's like we get right to it I.

think we hit on so many points and I. just hope anyone listening watching can. take something away from this I'm not. perfect I've been through a lot still. figuring life out I don't think you ever. just have it figured out and just be. kind to yourself be patient with. yourself love yourself it is so. important and definitely one thing we. talked about is you know don't blame. yourself you know we're all doing the. best we can with what we have no you can. hear that your voice it's it's not even. today it's not just about what you've. said it's like you can hear that.

genuiness and that sincerity in your. voice it's like I think it's really. going to land with people so I hope. everyone listens to this not once but. twice yes same twice and everyone who's. listening and watching make sure that. you cut the I know you guys do a great. job cutting stuff with Tik Tok yourself. Instagram like cut the stuff that really. resonated with you that connected with. you and share it with someone because. I'm sure you've got friends who are. going through breakups maybe they're. going through a divorce maybe they're. raising a kid on their own maybe you. know know everything that L is going. through there are so many things that I.

know so many of you are connected to in. your ecosystems in your lives and I hope. that you'll clip the bits that stand out. to you that connect to you and I hope. you'll share it with others because. sometimes we just need to feel seen. heard and understood and I think today a. lot of people will feel seen heard and. understood so thank you Jay thank you. love you appreciate thank you so much. thank you pick up the phone I will I. promise you have to I will I mean it if. you love this episode episode you will. also love my interview with Kendall. Jenner on setting boundaries to increase.

happiness and healing your inner child. you could be reading something that. someone is saying about you and being. like that is so unfair cuz that's not. who I am and that really gets to me. sometimes but then looking at myself in. the mirror and being like but I know who. I am why does anything else matter.