Bert Kreischer: The Truth about ''The Machine'' Story..

My dad's mentality is if you don't get. on stage, if you don't show up to work, all the stuff that could possibly make. your life great just disappears. No. matter what, you show up. Get out there. and grind. The number one health and. wellness podcast. J Shetty. J Shetty. The one, the only J Shetty. But you know what's funny? What? I still. remember the flight we were on together. and we sat down next to each other and. I'm gonna sound like such a douche for.

saying this, but I have to say you were. the nicest person in the world. And you. were so kind and you were like I can't. remember how you started the. conversation. Maybe you can, but you. were like, "I really like your stuff.". Yeah. I love what you're doing. And I. was the idiot who's living under a rock. No. Who was like, I think I know what. you do. It's really cool. Like, but I. don't know. And then I came back and I. told my team I was like I was sitting. next to Bert Chryser like you know we're. texting he's such a nice guy he was so. wonderful and and they were like you met.

Bert Chryser they were like he's amazing. he's funny he's and I was like I'm the. idiot who doesn't know and it was just. one of those moments where like you were. so kind, you were so endearing. You were. so sweet and and I was really touched by. that interaction. I never in a million. years thought the number one partyier in. the world and me would have something in. common. So, you've got a weird thing. that like usually only like Reese. Witherspoon or or Jennifer Aniston get. where you're strikingly attractive. So,

so when I sat down next to you, I was. like, whose eyes are these? And then I. was like, wait, I know him. I was like, oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] This is Jay Shetty. I've listened to so many of your. interviews. You're so good. You're so. good. And so, uh, yeah, I was so. excited. And then I get told by like my. I'm friends with a professional wrestler. Cody Rhodess and he said you know when I. met you I've never seen more of a pro. wrestler personality like you you. explain yourself within a sentence and. then and explain why you should like me. and I'm like but it's yeah I I I'm a. talker on a plane and you were so funny.

already and I was like oh this guy's. hilarious cuz you were like you know. what like you you're you're good but I'm. a pretty big deal too you know you're. crack and I was that doesn't sound like. me and I was crack but it was it was. endearing like I want to put it out Like. I'm not trying to overcompensate, but it. wasn't arrogance. It was like I was. laughing with you and it was just so you. just broke the ice and I was like, "This. guy's amazing." I texted. I'm such a I'm. such a fan of yours. I really am. Well, now I am too. So that's why I wanted you. on the show. When this opportunity came. up, I was like, "But's the best." And.

then I got to watch the special, too. And and I was just like, I really wanted. to get inside your mind. I was like, I. really want to know, you know, the. person behind the amazing success that. you've had and and the and the. wonderful, endearing person you sit next. to on the plane. I was going to ask you, you probably had some crazy plane. stories. I want to know what's what's. the craziest plane story you've ever. had, seeing as that's where we met. I. got a I got a good one. All right. Uh. I'm going to say real names, too. I sat. next to a woman, first class, when I was. just married with kids. Like I had Isa.

and George, but they were still really. young. And the woman was coming back. from Tibet and she was like had the. beads on and henna all over, hot, attractive, probably a little older than. me, maybe I'd say 43. I was 30, maybe. six at the time. And we start having. drinks and we're talking and then she. says, "Uh, what are you doing when you land in. LA?" I said, "I'm going home." She goes, "Don't come to my place. Let's have. sex." I said, "What?" She goes, "Uh, I've been I had a divorce. That's why I. went over to Tibet. I'm a little lost,

but I'm just looking to get and I went, "Okay." I said, "Listen, I'm married and. so that you got the wrong guy." I go, "But I got the right guy for you." She. said, "Really?" And I said, "Trust me. Can you just trust me?" So, we land and. I call Mike Young. He's a real name. I. go, "Mike, you want to sex tonight?" And. he was like, "With you?" I go, "No, I. got a beautiful woman, 43 years old.". And he goes, "Yeah, give her my number.". She gives her number. They meet at the. comedy store. They go back to her place. They have sex. They've never talked. again. And I was like, "Boom, man. Slam.

dunk." I got great ones. I sat next to. Ric Flair one time and we both drank. identically. We both ordered drinks for. our wives and ourselves and then drank. our wives drinks and then drank our. drinks. And I was like, "Woo, Ric Flair. and I drink alike." I had a girl walk me. to my room in Soho the other night. She. was like, "Hey, I'm going to come to. your room." I was like, and I got her to. the door and I said, "Listen, I was. really drunk." I go, "Listen, it's very. sweet of you, but I'm I'm married and. I'm happily married and I don't cheat on. my wife." And she had this weird look on. her face and I woke up the next morning. I called my wife. I told her I go, "I.

just I'm such a great guy." And then. there was a note under my door and it. was like, "Bert, I wasn't trying to have. sex with you. You were too drunk. You. couldn't remember what room you were in. and you didn't have a key. I just wanted. to make sure you got home safe." I was. like, "Oh, I shut down a good. Samaritan.". How did your wife react to stories like. that when you're like calling her up? I've been doing that our whole marriage. Our our marriage is based on fun and. laughter. I mean, for real, it is. probably the funnest it's by far it's.

the funnest relationship I have in my. life. We joke non-stop. We're in couples. therapy right now. And as we walk out, I. decide who won or who lost. Like, it's. just a blast. And I've been doing that. ever since ever since uh we were a young. married couple. I text her. I go, "Just. so you know, I'm getting jocked." And. then I sent a picture and Leanne's like, "She's got a lazy eye." And I'm like, "Oh, man." Yeah. And she gives it back. to you, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Her and. my daughters are just bullies. Like. bullies. Like they've never they they. called they call me baby walrus. They.

they've never they bust my balls harder. than anyone I've ever met other than my. two sisters. Yeah. The women in my life. run my life. Isn't that the best? Like. my wife, we just did this video and it. was planned by my team, but we did this. video where my wife rated my looks on. the red carpet for the last seven years. or however long it's been. Great. And oh. dude, I've got some embarrassing red. carpet looks and my wife does not hold. back in this video. She just goes for it. and she's got so much banter and she's.

got so much sass and it's like all the. comments are like she's a savage. I'm. like, "Yeah, you think she looks cute. and all this stuff, but this woman can. like go in and it's and and I can I. mean, I can I can attest to the fact. that those are terrible looks, but Baby. Walrus started our chat thread, Baby. Walrus, and it was pictures where they. thought I was cute and it's like the. worst pictures ever and it's like one of. them is me on a surfboard covered in uh. in like in sunscreen and I just am. sitting criss-cross applesauce on a on a.

surfboard and I look fat and I got a. hoodie on. so bad. But it's them sending. pictures where they think I look cute, but I look like an idiot. Yeah. And so, are they playing you or they think you. look cute? I mean, the picture on Baby. Walrus is horrible. Let's see. We're. going to have to get this for the edit. as well, so everyone on YouTube, that's. the one of me on the surfboard. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I see. And they're all. just pictures of me looking horrible. Oh. god, the worst. We'll go back to the. family in a second. But, uh, I wanted to. Were you Were you always the class. clown? Was this always natural for you?

Were you the guy who could make everyone. laugh and get attention? Was that who. you were? No, I was like I dare I say. like painfully serious. Like I I mean I. always was funny but I I didn't know I. thought what I was doing was cool and. when from the outside looking in it. wasn't. It was funny. So I didn't. realize that I was being funny. I I. think a lot of comics have this like uh. I told just told the story in therapy. the other day when I was in first grade. I played second base. I'm really into.

baseball. I was really into baseball. growing up. Played second base. Fly ball. to me. Base is loaded. Fly ball to me. I. catch it and then I spike it and I take. my shirt off and I start dancing. Now my. dad was livid. He was like, "What is. wrong with you?" And but everyone. laughed and I thought what I was doing. was cool and that people were like, "Yeah." But they just see this. six-year-old, seven-year-old dancing. shirtless in second base. And so my. whole life, I think I was always trying. to be serious. Like I I dressed up as.

Kiss for the talent show. I was dead. serious. Like you're going to watch me. like kill it out here. And I remember. being in the thing. I had a guitar. Car. didn't have strings. I was going to air. guitar. And the kid looks at me and he. goes, the kid next to me had a violin. And I He goes, "You play the guitar?". And I said, "No." He goes, "What are you. going to do?" I said, "Just rock out.". He's like, "You're just going to go up. there and dance?" And I was like, and. when he said it, I was like, "This. sounds silly." Yeah. And then I just. went out and just air guitared and. danced in my mom's tights, no shirt, her.

belts around my chest, white face paint. that me and Brian Callahan put on. So. yeah, I think and I and I think I was. that way all the way through high. school. I don't think I was very funny. in high school, although I was. I. learned how to tell a story in high. school. It wasn't until I gave up sports. in college that people started saying I. was funny. What made you learn how to. tell a story in high school? Going to an. all boys Catholic high school. It was. the best. It was the best, man. I'm. saying the best. Your currency was could. you hold a table? Wasn't chicks wasn't.

did you look good? Could you hold a. table? And so for lunch that you'd have. a table, your boys 12 and I would. practice my story coming from religion. to the table. I'll be like, "All right.". So, we did a beer run, right? And I'm. driving. Cayman comes in. He dives in. A. dog grabs his leg. I take off. That's. And I'm practicing the story. And then I. get there and they'd be like, "Hey, uh, tell us about the fight." And I'll be. like, "Okay, got to pivot. Here we go.". And I remember the first time I said a.

line that like worked well, I said, "Dude, he got knocked out." I mean, this. punch started in Miami and ended in. Washington State and and they were like, "Oh, like it was just it was like. storytelling was our thing." Yeah. And. uh if you could tell a good story, like. Beach Week, you came up to the room, everyone wanted to know if you hooked up. with that chick. And you had to have a. story about it. Ah yeah. I remember one. guy came up, older kid, and he was like, "Yeah, I didn't have a condom, so I used. a plastic bag." And we're like, "What?".

Like just wild stories. Yeah. Yeah. And. then when I got to Florida State, uh, that's when I started realizing I was. funny. I went to an all boy school, too. But what I realized was that a lot of. the guys had imaginary girlfriends. So, a lot of the stories were just made up. Jesus. And when you'd figure out that. Felicity wasn't real because that was an. American girl's name off a TV show and. not a girl's name in England. Like, you. never There's no one I've ever met in. England called Felicity. And then one of. our guys was dating a girl called. Felicity. Like, you've been watching too. much American Pie. Like that's like the.

feeling we'd get. Girls were a perfect. example. I was so painfully serious. about losing my virginity. I mean, I was. dialed in. It was all it was my only. focus. And then when I did, it was such. a. tragedy that that story became I. remember sitting down and they're like, "Bro, tell the story." And all of a. sudden there's like three deep and the. story I might have told it on may not. this may not be the right setting for it.

but I'll just say it was fast and I did. it wrong and I mean and there were like. dudes standing three people deep to hear. the story and then you know we had two. lunches so the next people coming Ty. Rodriguez like tell it again and I mean. everything was like a tragedy like a. comedy of tragedies for me and you've. never reconnected back with this person. the woman. The woman yeah you know her. Yeah, I know her very well. That's. Tampa, though. I know her. I know her. brother. Her dad just recently passed. Her dad was a legend. Her dad was a. legend. I got to say this. And you know,

she cheated on me at prom with my best. friend and and we had to go spend the. night at her house. Now, I'm like uh I'm. a really sensitive guy and I was so. humiliated that instead of going back. into the house with they dropped us off, I went out into her car and I said, "I'm. just going to sit in her car. This is We. didn't have a car to get home. home. I. didn't have any way to get home. So, I. sat in her car. I said, "You know what? Screw it. I'm going to I'm I'm going to. sleep out in this car." And I laid in. the backseat of her. car and her dad just comes out and. knocks on the window. He's like boxers.

or whatever. And he's like, "Buddy, this isn't how it's done." I was. like, "What?" He goes, "I know you're. hurting right now. Come in the house. Trust me, I'll make it comfortable." I. said, "I I look, they know I've been out. here." He goes, "Well, we all know. you've been out here." He goes, "Just. walk in the house and sleep inside. tonight. I'm going to give you 5. minutes." So, we went in. I waited 5. minutes and I walked in the house and. very slick. Her dad was like was like, "Bert, what can I get you to drink? Would you like a beer?" And I'm, you.

know, 17 and I was like, "I would love a. beer." And he's like, "Great. Come on, we'll go sit outside." And just made it. very smooth. But yeah, I still know her. Wow. That's epic. That's epic. I. remember breaking up with a girl and I. was just upset that her father used to. have Manchester United season tickets. and he used to always take me along. And. I remember when I broke up with her, it. was like harder breaking up with her dad. than it was with her cuz we were like. having this bromance moment of like. supporting the same team. And it's just. when I think back to times like that, think about how like those moments felt. so big then and now when you look back.

you laugh at them, right? Like it's at. that moment that humiliation. Was that. like the biggest humiliation you'd had. at that point in your life? Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And and I've had bigger. I've had bigger. But yeah, that was like. that was tough because I I thought I was. cool, you know, and I think that's a. little bit where my comedy is. I always. come out the fool a little bit, you. know. I'm always getting myself into. something bigger than me. I I always. think I'm doing the cool thing or the. smart thing and I I always screw it up. Easter morning, kids are searching for.

eggs. My daddy's ample of popcorn. I go, "Buddy, that's weed." And he goes, "What? It's popcorn." I go, "No, there's. weed in the popcorn." He goes, "How do. they put weed in the popcorn?" I go, "Dad, it's called an edible and you just. ate a lot of it." The first time I. learned I could sleep without drinking. like, you know, cuz you do it from 22 to. like, you know, 30 and then one day. you're like, I got to try to go to sleep. without a cocktail or a glass of wine. First time I did that, I was like, "Wa, I can fall asleep. Shut up. My Oh my. god, I've got enough tools to shut my. brain off." Anxiety, OCD, eating,

drinking, masturbating, whatever your. little thing is. My saying is, and it. kind of calms me down. Let's do today. just a little better than we did. yesterday. That's all we got to do. Just. a baby step. I read that your dad was an. interesting figure for you growing up. and he had like a certain take on life. of like men don't cry, boys don't cry, they don't show emotions. Yeah. Is that. true? What was that? What What's that. like? Cuz I think we hear about it now. and it sounds like almost like a.

character because of where society's. kind of moved into now. It's like But. that was very real. Oh, very real. Uh, my dad, my dad's a great dad. I love my. dad. But he just was like, "Hey, you. don't cry." I was 11 years old. I was. playing catcher and I got hit in the. mouth with the baseball bat and I lost. like 26 teeth. And my dad came over and. he's like, "Okay, don't worry." It was. my birthday, by the way. And I was like, he's like, "Don't worry, you're okay. Mom's going to take you to the dentist, but I need you to go to a shortstop." I. was like, "What?" He goes, "You're not.

dying, and if I sub you out of the game, we forfeit the game. finish out the. inning at shortstop. And I remember. being like, "What? I've been injured.". And he goes, "Yeah, go finish. shortstop." And they hit a ground ball. to me at shortstop. I caught it through. it at first. My dad goes, "I'm really. proud of you. Go to the dentist." But my. dad just he just didn't it was not he. didn't hit us, you know? But like he. just was like I remember his when I got. into comedy, he told me really clearly, "Buddy, eat [ __ ] cash checks. That's.

how the world works. eat [ __ ] cash. checks. His dad was in World War II. He. stormed like Omaha Beach or or or. Normandy. And uh his dad never talked. about the war. Sat in the garage, watch. Mets games, listen to Met games, and. drank beer. And so my and my dad lost. his dad at 13. So I think my dad was. just doing the best he could. But yeah, he told me I mean I mean it I remember I. remember it like an older I remember. getting anxiety attacks. This is how. flat my dad was. One day I'm laying in.

bed. It's like after after David. Letterman and I'm laying in bed. I had. to be 10 years old and all of a sudden I. have this very crisp realization that. death is real. And I went, "Hold. on." I go, "One day you're going to tell. me my dad's going to die?" And I went, "Oh my god." And I started having a real. panic attack. And I went into his room. and I woke him up. My dad doesn't wake. easily. He's like, if you wake my dad, he's like, "What the fuck?" You know, and so I scared me. I woke him up and I.

was like, "Dad, are you gonna die?" And. he goes, "What?" I said, "Are you gonna. die?" And he goes, "Yeah, you are, too. Go back to bed." And and then I went, "Wait, I'm going to die? I didn't think. I going to I I knew you would die, but. not me." And that was my dad. I I. I had kids with panic disorder, and I. was so not my dad with them. I was so. like, "Yo, I got you. You're going to be. fine." like, but yeah, my dad just he. was just trying to do the best he could.

Uh, stuck into a house that he couldn't. really afford, making ends meet. He's. got three kids. Didn't expect a third. one. He's a lawyer. I don't think he. ever wanted to be a lawyer. I mean, I'd. say that. I don't know what he'd say, but I wouldn't say he like loves his. job, but it's his job and he does it, but that was his do not cry. Do not cry. And if and when now I got older and we. got into a something and he saw me like. well up, he'd be like, "Oh, you better. not cry." And I'd be like,

"Might explain why I cry so much as. adult now.". So you just hold it back. I tried my. whole life. And then I remember the. first time seeing him cry. It was when I. graduated Florida State and they didn't. let me graduate. Two teachers failed me. because I was written up in Rolling. Stone magazine and they were they. thought I embarrassed the school. So. they failed me and I had to drive up to. Tallahassee and they told me the. administration said just go talk to the. teachers and I went to drive up to. Tallahassee and my dad walked me out to. the car. It was like 6:00 in the morning.

and I was getting in the car to drive. Tallahassee and he started crying and. I'd never seen him cry and I was like. what is this and he was just and he's. like it's when someone with your kid and. like I was like I was I got I drove in. silence no music just in the dark just. what did I just witness? Did you ever. talk to him about that? No. Still till. this day? No. My dad's an interesting. guy. He's he's changed a lot the older. he's gotten. He's way more sensitive.

than he was when I was a kid. Joey Diaz. gave him marijuana one time on accident. He gave him like a handful of marijuana. popcorn. It's the first time my dad had. ever had marijuana. Easter morning. Kids. are searching for eggs. My daddy's a. handful of popcorn. I go, "Buddy, that's. weed." And he goes, "What? It's. popcorn." I go, "No, there's weed in the. popcorn." He goes, "How do they put weed. in the popcorn?" I go, "Dad, it's called. an edible, and you just ate a lot of. it." And so he goes, "Well, what do I. do?" And I I grabbed a handful and I. said, "I'll go with you. We're going to. both eat weed. And we both ate weed. We. did a podcast that day. And uh and then.

everyone leaves and it's me and my dad, high as crap, drinking whiskey at like 5. in the afternoon, smoking a cigar, really high. And I leaned over to him. I. go, "Why don't you like me?" Oo, I'm. going to get. emotional. And he just. goes, he's like, "I love you. You just. make me uncomfortable." He was like, "I. I love you and I'm afraid you're going. to die and so I I don't know what that. does, but I'm afraid you're going to.

die." I'm not going to die. And he goes, "You don't know that." He goes, "I lost. my dad when I was young. I'm I'm. terrified to lose you and I don't. understand you. I don't understand your. lifestyle." And I said, "Well, how can. we fix this?" And he goes, "I want to. get you a cardiologist." And I said, "Okay." And he goes, "You do that?" I. go, "I want you to feel more comfortable. with me." And he was like, "I can get. you a cardiologist. I can do all the. tests. I can pick all the tests I do.". And I said, "Yeah." And he goes, "Okay.". He had a cardiologist Monday morning for. me, Dr. Kadan. And uh they did the CT. scan, they did the stress test, they did.

all the tests my dad wanted, and. everything came back clean. And my dad's. like, "No, you'll go to him every 6. months." And I said, "Yeah." And our I. want to say from that day on, our. relationship has gotten so much. smoother. I mean, I've forgiven him for. stuff that he's did, and we're just a. lot a lot closer now. [Music]. It's incredible, isn't it? Like our. parents try and hold us back from seeing. their pain, but actually seeing their. pain is the only thing that kind of. penetrates and make you go, "Oh, wait.

They're a human, too." Oh, I found out. my dad was human when I was 21 years. old. And I remember finding that out. And I didn't understand it. My parents. split up. And I was so mad at my dad. I. I didn't want to talk to him. I did I. just I was wanted nothing to do with. him. And my uncle Jerry called me and he. goes, "Uh, when was the last time you. talked to your dad?" And I said, "It's. been a while." And he goes, "Well, that. shit's over." He goes, "You call him. today. He's your dad." No, no, no, Jerry. I'm I'm mad at him. And he goes, "Yeah, you just found out your dad's a. human." Okay? Your dad's a human. He's a.

regular man. He's not some superhero. So, you call him. And look, you don't. have to say you I love you. Just call. him, see how he's doing, and just touch. base. I did. And and and then that that. was a period, you know, that was a. growing period at that. But uh yeah, he's a he's a pretty he's a pretty great. dude. I'll just say this, you know, a. lot of people will be at his funeral. That's like the testament for like a. great man. Yeah, that's a big deal. Yeah. Oh, it'll. be Yeah.

Yeah. He obviously means so much to you. Oh, yeah. I think everyone's dad does, don't they? I mean, for all our differences, and we. have a ton um of a ton. We're If you met. me and met him, you would not know we. were related. He's pretty quiet. Does. not want to get on stage and sincerely. doesn't want you to get on stage. I. mean, he just saw me do stand up for the.

first time. No. At the Amily. Yeah. No. After all these years, after all these. years, I did the Amily, which is the. arena in Tampa. And I said, "Yo, if. you're going to you should come and see. me here, I understand like comedy clubs, but you should come to the arena. It's a. big deal, Dad." He got there and I don't. think he realized what was happening for. real. Like he knew I was doing a show. there, but he called me and he goes, "Wade Bogs is here." Wade Bogs was like. our hero playing baseball growing up. I. said, "Yeah, I know. I put him in your. box." And he goes, "No, buddy. He's.

here. Do you think he knows you?" And I. said, "Daddy's at my show." He goes, "Mike, I just saw Mike Alto, football. player." I go, "Yeah." and he goes, "Do. these people know you?" I said, "Dad, I'm the reason they're here." And then. he came backstage and Dererick Brooks, who's a legend, played at Florida State, played at at at at the Bucks, is. backstage talking to my dad. My dad's. staring at Derrick Brooks. going and he goes, and Derek goes, "Can. you believe how far Birds come?" He's.

doing the Emily and I, he goes, "I was. his first show at Pop Bellies." And. Derek Brooks leaves. My dad goes, "Buddy, Derek Brooks knows who you are.". I was like, "Yeah, I know, Dad. We just. spent time with him. He knows who you. are, too." But yeah, my dad just he just. That was the first time he taught me saw. me to stand up. What did he say? I got. to be honest with you. I think it makes. him uncomfortable. Like I think he kind. of half looks and half like I I don't. think he I don't think he laughs a lot. at it. I don't know. I mean, he says he. goes, "You're good." Like, but he I make.

him uncomfortable. I had a great Shaq. joke that Shaq wanted me to put in the. special. It's dare I say borderline. racist, but Shaq and I talked. It made. us laugh. And Shaq's like, "You got to. put that in the special." And my dad's. like, "That does not go in the special.". And I was like, "Dad, Shaq says it's. okay." And he goes, "I don't give a. [ __ ] I I am not comfortable with that. joke." So, I took it out. And Shaq's. like, "You took it out because you're. dad." Yeah. What? But I got a better. Shack joke now. Okay. Oh, yeah. What's. the bad Shack joke? Well,

I I can't do it. Is I don't think your. audience wants to hear it. Go see me on. the Permission to Party World Tour start. in September. There we go. That's It's. pretty aggressive. Oh, that's fun. That's fun. People can look forward to. seeing that. But whatever, you know, when I'm hearing about your relationship. with your dad, I think it's so. interesting where we just talked about. that unlock of you figure out your. parents are human and you also get. context of their humanity. Like you were. saying, his dad died when he was 13. years old and he saw that and then he.

was scared of losing you. Like I. remember my dad took me to his the home. he grew up in in India and his home was. the size of this room, his home. So the. kitchen's in a corner. There's, by the. way, there's five kids that grow up in. this house. Yeah. There's a bed over. here. We get there outside. There's. bats, cockroaches, and rats everywhere. cuz he grew up in like this slumlike. area. Disgusting. I'm 9 years old when I. first go. Whoa. And then they shared a. toilet with like 20, 30 families. And I.

remember going there at 9 years old and. my whole perspective of my dad. completely changed. Yeah. Because all of. a sudden I had like a reference point. Now my life wasn't luxury in London by. any means, but it wasn't that. Yeah. And. when you see like bats and rats and. cockroaches at 9 years old, which like. freak you out, you think that's how your. dad just walked to the toilet, walked. back to his house, he was the youngest. of five kids. And all of a sudden, you. just get like a completely different.

perspective on the man you're looking. at. And it sounds like you had that. moment as well. And and I guess my. question is, it sounds like it's not. something you had to reconcile through a. conversation. Like it's not like you've. sat there and therapized it out or or. fixed it, but there's a there's a. resolution that's almost happened. between both of you where he can come. and watch you on stage even when he he. hasn't for all these years. Like would. you say there's been healing? You said. there's forgiveness from your side. Like. what does that look like when there.

isn't a conversation? Because I think. today we've got so much about you got to. have the conversation. Yeah. No, you. know, I think for my dad a lot of it was. he always had the answer. You know, my. dad's the kind of guy that when I was a. kid, the Iraq war started and I came. home and I was like, I was against war. because I knew that's what hippies were. about and I wanted to be a hippie. And. so I thought that's what the right. answer. I'm against war. And uh my dad's. like, "No, you're an idiot. Why don't. you go to your room until you realize. what an idiot you are and then when you.

come down, I'll explain to you why. you're an idiot." So I went to my room. and I was like, "I don't know why I'm an. idiot." Like I what did I And everyone. should be against war. My dad came. downstairs. I go, I don't know why I'm. an idiot. And he goes, okay, there's a. lot of interesting things about this. war. Number one, it's the first. televised war we've ever seen. We're. watching them go to war in it starts. like a football game and me and you have. the opportunity to watch this. Number. two, this man Sodom Hussein is a monster. to his own people and we are going in to. get rid of him. You do not know any of. the politics. So, shut your mouth and.

sit down and watch the war. And my dad. was like that with everything. If you. ever said an idea, if to this day if I. say. uh if I say something anything. political, my dad takes the opposite. side and will tell me. So in a weird. way, it never gave me a foot to stand on. politically. It's why I don't talk about. politics on stage cuz whatever I would. say, my dad would tell me I was I was. wrong. He wanted to show me. I think he. was protecting me from looking foolish. or protecting me from being the guy at a. party that was a know-it-all. And you.

know, my dad kind of flew under the. radar always. And I think when I started. getting successful, there was a part of. my dad where he no longer had an answer. for me. He no longer had the solution. He couldn't he couldn't put me in the. right direction. When they fly, they're. older. I send them to a special entrance. at the airport. It's a little expensive, but it's easier for them. And my dad had. a broken hip and got knee problems. My. mom's my mom's a piece of work. My mom's. like me. Okay. And so, uh, and he gets.

really upset. He's like, "Buddy, I don't. need this. I can't. You can't afford. this." And I go, "I definitely can. afford it." And he's like, "No, you. don't know." So, one day I had to send. him like my bank statement and be like, "I can afford to put you through there.". And he was like, "What the you like he. just I I think and that it's not like. the, you know, the younger lion taking. over the bigger lion, but like like me. like me not letting him pay for meals, that makes him uncomfortable. Like. that's who he's been. He's been the.

leader of our family. And I'm not saying. he's not still our leader. He is. By. every stretch of the means, he is. However, I think not having all the. answers for me and not being able to. tell me exactly what to do and be. confident in his decision made him very. uncomfortable. I think. I don't know. But you never It didn't seem like you. were searching for his approval at any. point. I was Oh my god. That's all I've. been doing my whole life. My whole life. He didn't like my long hair. Got a flat. top. came into his office and he was. like, "You look like an idiot." And I. was like, "God dang it." Like all I've.

ever wanted is that man's approval. That's it. That's it. Entirely without a. doubt. I just like when he says and he. says very often how proud he is of me. Uh it doesn't it doesn't miss me. I It. hits me in the chest and it makes me. feel great. And the fact that he'll call. up and he'll be like, "Buddy, we went to. the Macaroni Grill." You know, I say my. I say my last name and they go, "Are you. related to Bert Chrysler?" They knew who. you were. Buddy, I got a table right. away. They gave me they, you know, they. do the bacon there, you know, the big.

bacon. My dad's like that. He uh he. loves it and I he and I think he kind of. loves my whatever celebrity I have cuz. it trickles to him. And now like when he. goes to like when he goes to like he. went to my special, him and my mom sat. backstage. They didn't go in the they. sat on chairs on side stage and he's. deaf and like not deaf but he's losing. his hearing. So I'm doing the show and I. hear him say, "What did he say?" I'm. like, "Jesus, Dad, she said he said he. saw her suck his dick." What? He She.

lost weight, Albert. She He saw her give. her a Leanne gave him a [ __ ] and I'm. like, "You two shut up." But yeah, they. uh Yeah, I'm I'm I'm constantly seeking. his approval. I think probably could be. said for my career. I think the reason. I'm into comedy is I'm searching for. approval. I want people to like me. I I. do. I want people to have a good time. and I want people to go, you were fun. I. don't need to be the best comic, but I. want the people that see me to really. have had a great time and like me. When.

was the first time you felt like you got. his approval? Uh, Will. Smith. Yeah. Will Smith. Will I got a. deal at like 26 years old, I've been. doing standup. On my 26th birthday, I. was in New York and I was just partying. I wasn't doing standup. I've been there. for a couple months and I got hammered. the night before and it was my birthday. and my phone rang at like 8:00 in the. morning, 9:00 in the morning and I saw. it was my dad caller ID and I said, you. know, I'll answer it. Let him say happy. birthday and I go back to sleep. I. answer it and he says, "You are a.

tremendous piece of shit." And I'm like, I go, "Dad." And he goes, "Yeah, yeah, it's your dad." And he goes, "You are. worthless. You have no humility. You're. doing nothing." He goes, "I just. perjured myself in court because of. you." The judge said, "Al, how's your. son doing?" And I said, "Great. That is. a lie. You are not doing great, and you. never will do great. I have failed you. as a father. I gave you no humility. I. taught you no life lessons. You never. had to work for anything. Things came. easy to you. And and I'm telling you,

and I I said to him, I go, "It's my. birthday." And he goes, "I know what day. it is." He goes, "I gave birth to you. We were there when you got born." And he. goes, "I'm telling you." And I was like, "Dad," I go, "Well, okay. So, what do I. do with this?" He goes, "Nothing." He. goes, "I'll foot the bill. Be a party. boy." And I was like, "Well, I I want to. I want to I don't want you to feel this. way about me." And he goes, "No, you. should not want to feel this way about. yourself." And I said to him, "What can. I do?" He said, "Well, if you're serious. about comedy, then you'll go to that. club tonight and you'll do whatever you. can to get on stage. You'll go to that.

man and you'll say, "My name's Burke. Chryser. I'd like to be a standup. I'll. clean up. I'll mop up. I'll I'll flip. burgers. I'll stand up. I'll do whatever. you need, but I need an opportunity." I. said, I remember saying to him, I go, "Well, I I can't do it today tonight cuz. I have a party planned." He was silent. He just goes, "You have a you have a. party?" He goes, "You don't deserve a. party. What are you throwing a party. for? You're a failure. You go to that. club tonight. You you take yourself to. dinner. I want you to write down some. goals and then you after that dinner, you go to that club and you tell whoever.

you need to, you'll do whatever you can. and you'll do it for free." And I said, "That's not how it works." I remember. him very clearly saying, "Hey, first. some young black kid in Harlem, that's. how it works for him. Do you know why? Cuz he has humility and he knows how to. get what he wants. That's how it works. for him. Doesn't work for you. Cuz. you're white and you feel like. everything should be given to you." And. I went, "Okay." So I said, "All right, I'll do it." So I didn't. I took myself. to a restaurant on 7th and Bleecker and. then I wrote down 26 goals that I had. planned for that year. So I was turning. 26. I went to the Boston Comedy Club. I.

met a guy named Louisis Schaefer and I. told him exactly what my dad said, "My. name's Bird. I want to do this." Any. advice, anything you do, get me on. stage. And Louis Schaefer said, "You. should move back to Tampa." And I went, "What?" He goes, "You're not going to be. a comedian in New York. You don't have. what it takes." And I went home almost. like victorious. I was like, "So, Dad, this is how it works. I told you I was. right." I called him the next morning. He goes, "How did it go?" I said, "Not. good. This is exactly what he said." And. he goes, "Perfect. This is what I want. you to do. You go back tonight and you. say the same sentence as if he'd have. never said it to you." And I said,

"Okay." So I I said, "Well, what do I do. if he says the same thing?" He goes, "You're going to do that every single. night until there's a point where you're. going to break him." And he's going to. go, "Fine. I'll give you a job." So I. went back that night. And I went, "Hey, Lewis. My name's Burke Chryser. I I want. to be a stand-up comedian. I'm from. Florida." He goes, "I didn't I tell you. to move back to Florida?" I go, "Listen, here's the deal. My dad called me a. piece of [ __ ] yesterday. I feel like a. piece of [ __ ] I need an opportunity." I. go, "I'm going to be doing this every. night for the next year as long as you. keep saying this." And he went, "Fine. if you can bring in 20 people, I'll put.

you on at the end of the night. Nice. And I was like, for real? And he goes, yeah, you can go on after right before. Godfrey. And I was like, okay. And man, I brought in 25 people. Someone got. heckled. Karen Bur Green got heckled by. four Puerto Rican guys. I brought in cuz. one was going to jail the next day. And. I was like I And Louis Schaper comes. out. He's like, "Where's a comic?" And I. was like, "No one's here." And he's. like, "You're on. Let's go." Put me on. stage. and frat Boy Bert came out and I. lit these four Puerto Rican guys up so. hard and cuz I knew that guy was going.

to jail and I I mean I was like, "Hey. man, have fun tomorrow. Don't drop the. soap. Place is going nuts." And I was. like I was like, "Can I give you some. advice about jail?" I was like, "Suck it. before you" And I mean that day it was. so great. They walked out of the room, the place went nuts and I was like and I. got a job. Louis Shaver's like, "You can. do this every night." Six months later, Will Smith discovered me. Will Smith. discovered me and my dad was floored. He. was floored. We watched the Fresh Prince. on Monday night every Monday night. It. was a a sixf figureure development deal. And I remember that was the first time.

my dad didn't have an answer. And I said. uh I said, "What do I do with this. money?" He goes, "I I don't know. I've. never gotten a paycheck like that." He. goes, "Buddy, I I remember him. stuttering like I I can't tell you. I. don't know." He goes, "Let me hook you. up with Bob Kazarian. I still remember. the guy's name over at Meil Lynch and. and we'll we'll figure it out." And that. was when my dad was like, he's like like. you you met Will Smith. Will Smith. taught me how to pitch movies and pitch. TV shows. And he was like a blessing in.

my life. Yeah. That's beautiful. I. didn't realize we had Will in common. either. Will's I mean, look, I love. Will. Yeah. Yeah. One of my favorite. people. He's he's one of my family to. me. He is He is the sweetest guy in the. world. He was so good to me. He gave me. great advice. We're about to pitch ABC. Jamie Tarsus, God rest her soul. And I I. drove over from the valley with him and. J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J. J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J. J J JL and Yeah, JL. Yeah. And uh James. L. Yeah. And I and I had a piss and Will. came in and he goes, "I'll go to the.

bathroom with you." So he sat at the. stall right next to me at ABC. And all. any guy knows that the sound of a man's. urine hitting a a toilet sometimes. indicates how big their their their dick. is. And he had a fire hose. I mean, it. was like And I got I couldn't pee. I. start I got I got gunshy and Will says. to me, "Can I tell you everything you. need to know about Hollywood?" But I'm. so in my head going pee pee pee. I. didn't hear a word. I didn't hear one. word. And then he goes and then he stops. peeing. I realize if I can't pee next to.

Will Smith, I can't sell a show next to. Will Smith. I start peeing and all I. hear him say is be yourself. That's it. That's the only thing I heard. And then. I went into the room and. uh Will was like, "Bert used to party. hard or something?" I was like, "Yeah, you guys ever try to knock yourself. out?" And they're like, "Huh?" And we. used to do that in college and you had. to do it on the side of a like put your. head against something because if you. just hit your head it's not going to. happen and I knocked myself out and. Will's just like and we sold a sitcom. that day. I love that. Yeah, he's the.

best. Yeah, he is the best. Dude, it's. like as I'm listening to you, I'm just. like there's it's so interesting because. I feel like that moment that you told me. about baseball with, you know, you and. your dad and your dad telling you like. on your birthday, just go play and then. we'll sort it out. later. What was the power of that? Like. what was the good thing about that and. then what was the hard thing about that? Like there was good obviously that came. from it. this work ethic, this ability. to turn up, the ability to push through. pain, but there must have been some pain.

that stayed which searched for that. approval. But what was the good and the. bad? Because it sounds like you've been. able to process both. You know, he had a. mentality you shouldn't cash checks and. when I was at Travel Channel at the very. tail end. I was just hoping to get. renewed and I knew they were changing. presidents and I I had lasted like three. or four presidents, but every time you. went to a new president, you was and and. it was money and I needed money. I had a. family. I was ignoring standup. I was. ignoring the podcast, all the stuff I do. now. I was ignoring all of it. And I was. at the beach with my dad. We're having a. cigar and a glass of wine. And he goes,

"So, what's the deal? What What's our. plan?" I was I think I was. 42 years old, 43 years old, looking for. my dad's approval. And this is so my. dad. I go, "You know, buddy, eat [ __ ]. cash checks." Thinking he go, "That's my. guy." And my dad started crying. He. goes, "Oh, I think I you up." He goes, "Eat [ __ ] cash checks means is for guys. like me with no talent." guys like you. need to you need to go after your. talent. Wow. And he was he was crying. And you know, Rogan had just said that. to me, too. He had just had that.

conversation with me. And my dad's like, "If you don't go for it now, you're. going to regret it." He's like, "Do it.". Cuz I had this long-standing offer from. Showtime, Gary Garfinkle, God rest his. soul, to do a special. And I kept. pushing it to do Travel Channel stuff. And he goes, "Buddy, you you should do. it. You should, hey, follow your. dreams." So I I did the Showtime. special. No one watched it because I. took my shirt off. It's like I remember. I remember them saying, "Yo, if you take. your shirt off, you give them the reason. to change the channel." But what's. fascinating is the thing that gets them. to change a channel back in the day.

where you were Caesar and you be like, "No, no." Is the exact opposite for the. internet. You see a guy with no shirt on. the internet, you're like, "What's. this?" And you click it and I posted the. machine story and it went viral. And and. it was I remember my but my dad gave me. this like insane thing of even if you're. sick, you show up. Even if you're even. if you're hurt, you show up. I I think. it's my punitive way that I work out is. that I'm if I'm hung over, I work out. extra hard. I was hung over. I flew all. drank all day yesterday in New York.

Flew here last night. This morning I got. up at 8, got in the sauna for 30. minutes, got in the gym. We did abs. Who. the wants to do abs? Uh ran, lifted. weights, and sweat it out. But that's my. dad's mentality is like you get up, you. do your work, you no matter what. That was the lesson. I I mean I I and my. takeaway from being 11 and getting hurt, my dad going, "You finish the you don't. let anyone down. You don't you get you. finish the game." You know, I I had a. showcase for ICM one time. This is just.

my dad's mentality and there was a guy. that went opened it and the next guy. went on was a guy named Earthquake. Do. you know Earthquake? Yeah. unfollowable black dude who. destroys destroys. His name's. Earthquake. I mean, just and he is. Earthquake cuz he leaves you the room in. an earthquake. And I watched all my. friends, I won't say their names, but. all my all my white friend comedians. panic. No one wanted to follow.

earthquake. And they just came to me. They're like, "You want to go up after. earthquake?" And I just My dad would be. like, "Yeah, that's your job. Do your. job." And I went up after earthquake and. he had a joke. His last joke was about. his name earthquake. I forget the joke, but I knew my first joke was about my. name, Bert. So the joke was uh was my. name's Bert. I know what you're. thinking. Hot sexy name. Do you do porn? No. I said Bird's the last name you want. to hear during sex. Just someone chick. on top of you in the dark going. h. And then I go sh call me earthquake.

And the place exploded. But, you know, here's the thing, and this is my dad's. my dad's mentality, is if you don't get. on stage, if you don't show up to work, all the stuff that could possibly make. your life great just disappears. And. that's been my mentality this whole. career is you show up. No matter what, you show up. You got an audition, you. show up. You get, they want to meet, you. want a general meeting, you still don't. think it's right for you, you show up. And I that's definitely the way I've. taken the road. Dude, let's do the road.

Make sun make hey while the sun shines. get out there and grind. Yeah. Yeah. And. that's what it takes. I mean I feel like. comedy is like there's a new comedian. every month that's taken off. You've had. like a long-standing career. It's hard. to do that to keep reinventing yourself. Keep coming back special after special. Success after success. It's hard to do. that. Yeah. It feels like it came from. that. I I 100%. Yeah. I mean, a lot of. my friends like just like the pandemic. hit and my my brain was like, "That.

doesn't mean we can't do standup." And. they're like, "No, the the country shut. down." And I went, "I'll figure it out.". And I so I came up with a type of. touring, outdoor comedy festivals where. I took driving movie the theaters and I. plugged into their system. We showed it. up on the big screen. We shot it with. four cameras. All the feeds went into. the car so everyone could stay socially. distant. And I did I think I did 30. cities. I think I maybe did 30 cities, 60 shows, 62 shows. I did I tooured all. through the pandemic. That's just the. way my brain works is like just cuz you. say no, that doesn't mean look, you got.

to do it. You got to work. Yeah. Don't. just take the foot off the gas. What I. love about the earthquake story too, it's like what your dad said, if you. didn't put yourself under that pressure. You wouldn't have found that great new. take. If you're a dad right now and. you're listening, this is the only. takeaway you need. My dad, whether it's. true or not, always told me, "You love. pressure, buddy. It when all the chips. are on the table, you perform your best. I don't know what it is about you, but. you love the pressure. You just love. it." And I'll tell you, my whole.

baseball career, if we were down, man. first and second, we're down by two. runs. That's when I performed. When we. faced the fastest pitcher we ever faced, that's the guy I hit the best off of. And I and I'll tell you is in standup. I've always done best when the most. pressure is on me. I didn't do secret. time. First show I bomb. I'm only doing. two shows. I bomb. I bomb. I hadn't. bombed with this hour ever and I bomb. The crowd had to wait in the rain. We. had a power shortage. It just it was.

horrible. And I'm nervous. I got one. more show. This is my first Netflix. special. I got one more show. And I'm. sitting in the green room and Leanne. just echoes my dad. She goes, "Well, you. know you love pressure. This is when. he's going to perform the best. Sit. back, everybody. And man, that show I. mean, best stand-up show I've ever had. in my entire career was that one show. It was that was murderous. Wow. People. say with comedians, obviously, there's. such a defense mechanism with humor and. comedy to mask pain and challenges and. all that kind of stuff. I wonder, and.

you've said before as well, like I. usually, you know, laugh through pain. It's like, what what's a pain that you. couldn't laugh through? I hesitate to even say this, but I've. been very lucky. I've been very lucky. I. haven't had a lot of tragedy in my life, and I can laugh at just about anything. I I I laughed at my grandmother's. funeral. I laughed twice at my. grandmother's funeral. Tell us was I'm I'm started crying. My. dad had a rule like, "Don't cry in front. of your kids." And I started crying. And. this is before we put Priscilla down.

And I started crying. He goes, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, stand up. It's him and. my uncle Jerry." And my dad goes, "Buddy, pull together." I was like, "I'm. upset." And he goes, "Why?" I go, "Cuz your mom is in a box. up there." And he's like, "Yeah, she had. a great life. You celebrate her life. You don't cry. Can't let your girl see. you cry. Then they're going to be. freaked out." I was like, "Dad, it's. just it's just hard looking at her." And. he goes, "No, no, no, no. You're fine.". I go, "Well, she they have her she's not. smiling." And he goes, "Are you aing.

idiot?" He goes, "Do you want her. smiling in that box? Do you have any. idea how creepy that is?" And I started. laughing. And then he goes, "There you. go. All right, you're out of it. Good. Let's go. So then at the end of that. funeral, everyone leaves. My dad and my. uncle. Jerry mean this makes they go, "Hey, come on." I said, "What?" And they go, "Let's go. Let's go say goodbye to. grandma." And this was them saying, "It's okay to cry." Oh my god. I've. never seen two uglier cries in my life. This these men let go of years of.

trauma. The I'll tell you I'll tell you. right before she died, this is the. hardest I've ever watched these two men. laugh. We go to the hospital. My. grandmother's in congenative heart. failure or whatever. So, we go to the. hospital. Grandma's in the bed. Uncle. Jerry and my dad are in the corner and. they're hiding them their faces cuz. they're crying. They're hiding their. faces behind the curtains. Okay. And. they're really emotional and I and I'm. not. For whatever reason, I'm not in. that moment. And I go, "Hey, grandma. How you doing?" And she goes, "Gh, my. back hurts." That's that's heart failure.

is when your back hurts. And I go, "Well, do you want me to rub your back?". And she goes, "I would love that, birdie. boy. Rub my back." So I start rubbing. her back. I go, "I love you so much, Grandma." I go, "I think you're going to. make it out of this." And then I go, "Wait, I think you might have dropped a. tissue behind your bed cuz I can feel I. think there's tissue falling off." And. she goes, "That's my skin." And my dad. and my uncle go from crying to laughing. hysterically. And my dad's going, he's.

kicking my going, "He's rubbing skin off. her back. He's rubbing skin off her. back." And my uncle Jerry's. just and I'm watching these two curtains. shake and I'm just rubbing skin off her. back on I love you grandma. Yeah. I laugh I can laugh through just. about anything. Oh god. That's When When. was the first time you let your daughter. see you cry? I I start Okay. Uh I I I came home. I was on the. treadmill. Lannon's in the room with the. girls. And this is this is in.

Priscilla's third knee surgery. Priscilla had five knee surgeries. On. her second knee surgery, they realized. the other knee was bad, too. They were. going to have to do another one. And the. guy goes, "Listen, you're 15 grand into. this dog. I I think it's just I think we. need to put her down." And I went, "What?" He goes, "I can't promise that. these are going to last, but like I'm. telling you, the one that we already. fixed, that's bad again. We got to do. that again." So, she's asleep. I can put. her down right now if you'd like. And I. went, "Well, hold on." And I went, "Oh. my god, give me a uh can you give me a.

second?" And he goes, "Yeah, yeah, give. me like go talk to your wife, but call. me soon." So I start crying and I and. I'm I'm trying to hold it together and I. walk in the room and the girls see me. crying and they start laughing. And they. go, "Oh, mom, dad's crying." And Leanne. goes, "Girls, if dad's crying, we're all. about to be crying in a matter of. seconds." He's like, "This isn't funny.". And I go, "They want to put Priscilla. down." And George like what? and then. pulled it together and we didn't put her. down. We got two more We got those two.

knee surgeries, then two more knee. surgeries and uh Yeah, but they've seen. me cry a lot now. Once I once the. floodgates open, dude. I cried at the. Avengers movie when when Spider-Man. died. When Spider I was sobbing crying. and Isa's mocking me. I cry at movies. real quick. I do. And they will and they. just you just watch them. They don't. even watch the movie. just watch me and. stare at me and giggle. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's why I find you to be such a. interesting, fascinating person cuz like.

you got this larger than life. personality. You've got this party. background and then like you've got like. this soft heart. Oh, I'm like the. biggest. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like and. even when I met you, I could just tell. immediately I was like, you know, this. guy's got the softest heart and at the. same time if I saw you, I wouldn't. necessarily have that, you know, perception. Yeah. I think that's. accurate. I don't think anyone I think. people think I'm a one thing and then. when they find out like the one that. always shocks everyone is I've only had. sex with six women and they're like what.

and I was like yeah I'm just I wasn't. that guy like I the time I lost my. virginity that changed my life in that. moment I went from okay I'm not cool guy. that could just bang chicks I'm super. sensitive guy that needs you to get me. cuz I'm not sure I do this right like my. wife go my wife takes those phone calls. and she knows I'm never going to cheat. she knows I am a wreck. I am a wreck. But yeah, and so everyone's like, "Really? You've only had sex with sick?". I go, "Yeah, cuz I in college I'd go to. a bar and I just hoping someone would.

get me." Like I wanted someone that. wanted to watch Fletch three times in a. night. How did How does she get about. obviously all of the exposure of her. life and her sex life as well? What's. like allowed? What What do you need. permission for? What do you get away. with without any She says, "As long as. it's funny." Oh, wow. Oh, that's She. goes, "As long as it's not mean and it's. funny, I'm in." I remember the time I. realized she was game for anything. She. farted during oral. sex. And I and I made a joke and she. started crying. And I said, "What are.

you crying about? I'm the one in the. fire hole. What are you What I'm [ __ ] my. mouth. What are you You're crying." And. she said to me, "You're definitely. telling this on stage." And I wait. I. said, "What? Can I?" And she goes, "Well, yeah. Obviously, if I did this, someone else has done this. I'm not the. only one that ever did it and it's. funny. you should talk about this on. stage and I did and man it was it was. like a killer bit for a while but like. yeah she she watched this hour and her. note was I'm cool with everything you're. saying I need to know the way you're.

saying it has love in it like has to. have a smile in it because I I was doing. when you do material a lot you get bored. of it and sometimes you don't show the. sparkle in it the way you did when you. wrote it and with this material I mean. making fun of a woman because she's. getting older and she's going through. menopause and she's aging. And if you don't say it with love or a. smile, that was her exact word. There. needs to be a smile and a little bit of. rascal in your voice. Like, you need to. say, and so she was really adamant about. that. I love that. She's like a comedy.

coach. Oh, she's I mean, look, she's not. funny. Let's be very clear. I take. offense when she tells the people at the. party, I'm the funny one at home. I go, you hang on. My comedy bought the house. Let's be real, okay? She's a g She's a. gangster. She's awesome. And same with. our girl. She's kind of monitors the. material and and runs runs it by with. them with her and uh talks to them about. it and you know Yeah. Do they think. dad's really cool or dad's human? Oh, human. They don't think I'm cool at all. They do not When did that when did it go.

from cool to human? Or was it ever cool in the first place? I don't think it was ever cool. I don't. think it's No, it's it's you know there. I had a period of of where Georgia I. could tell thought I was kind of cool. Yeah. Like Georgia had this like we we. took her on fully loaded one year. Her. and her friend. Daisy. I got this great picture. At the. end of the night, I' I we tell the. machine and then I'd bring all the. comics on stage and I'd have them bring. me a beer and I'd kill a beer and I'd. spit it in the air and it would it was a.

fun moment to way to close the show and. it was always a really cool picture. And. one year I call all the comics out and. then everyone starts walking off and I'm. saying goodbye and Georgia comes out. I. got this great picture and she throws. her arm in the air like she just did a. stand like she like she did stand up and. I was like, "What are you doing?" And. she goes, "I just wanted to see what it. felt like." But like uh I think they. think I'm okay. I don't think they think. I'm cool. Like in all honesty, if I. didn't ever go to their college ever. again, they'd be very comfortable with.

that. Well, why do you turn up to their. college? You might drop them. No, like. parents weekend. Parents weekend or you. know, we went and looked at colleges. cuz I wanted Georgia to go to Boulder. And uh so we went to Boulder and this. kid yells out the window, "The machine.". And then all of a sudden, word got out. on campus and kids started running and. finding me. And I watched this kid, my. child, lose interest in a school very. quick, a great school, one of the best. schools in the universe. I love that. school. And she was like, "Yeah, I'm not.

going here." I was like, "What?" She. goes, "I'm not going to a place where. you have fans." I was like, "Baby, I. think that's going to be tough. And then. she was like, "I won't go to Florida. State. I won't go to Florida. I'm not. going here. Not going to Georgia. I'm. going I'm going to find my place." And. so I didn't go look at schools with her. And the next two schools she looked at, she loved. She got into both of them and. she chose one. Wow. And same with Isa. Isa would I They hate when I get. recognized. Last night we we flew in and. paparazzi was waiting for me at the. airport and Georgia was just like like.

she walked in and like stood by a wall. and was like she was like can we just. mom can make this stop and I was like I. don't I'm not rude so I'm like I'm going. to talk to them. If they want to talk to. me I'll say something to them. I'm not. going to be there forever but yeah they. I I think they would be cool if I wasn't. famous. How do you deal with that like. with when you're raising kids? You've. been doing this for a long time. They've. probably been exposed to it since they. were kids. Like how h how have you had. that conversation with them? Because. obviously it's still not easy for them.

We had a moment uh we were we were. skiing. It was very luxurious thing to. do. It's not lost on my kids cuz we. didn't always have money, but we were. going skiing and Georgia was having a. rough time. Just there was something. going on with Georgia. By the way, we. didn't know this, but we all had CO at. the time. So, so George is having a rough time and. she's has a meltdown and she's, you. know, you know what, a junior in. college, high school at the time. She's. having a meltdown and I'm talking to her.

in front of where we're staying right by. the lifts and we're both in our ski. outfits. I'm hold my snowboard. She's. got her snowboard and she's crying and. I'm trying to talk to her and help her. out with this thing she's going through. And these two dudes are like, "Oh [ __ ]. the machine." And I just look in her. eyes and she's. like, and I was like, "What's up, guys?". And they're like, "Can we get a. picture?" I go, "I'm kind of doing a. thing." Like, "Real quick, real quick.". I'm like, "It's easier just to take the. picture than to." And so I take the. picture. She goes, "I understand that. this allows us to do this." She goes,

"It would be nice just to have my dad. sometimes." And and I was like, "I. know." And it it's sharing your your. time with with fans is what is difficult. for them. And I'm not a good guy at like. saying no. Like I I don't I've seen my. friends do that before and it always. rubs me wrong. I'm like just take a. picture with it. Doesn't Yeah. Yeah. I. feel the same way. Yeah. It's like a. It's almost like this is the reason why. you get to do what you love every day. and the least you can do is least you.

can do is take a second and listen to. someone. Yeah. And I'm assuming with you. as well, people have great stories. Like. that's how I feel. Like I get to talk to. people who just have amazing stories to. share and life-changing moments. And I'm. like I feel like if I didn't sit there. and listen to that it almost gives me. fuel to keep going and you know keep. moving because yeah I hear amazing. things and I'm sure you do too. Oh, I. mean, you know, you forget, you know, a. little bit of what we do is talk. We. talk, you know, there's someone right. now that probably has a weird. relationship with their dad and is. hearing this and going, you know, there's things that we hope it's funny,

too. But, you know, like doing the. biggest one I always got was, "You got. me through the pandemic." Because, you. know, we put out content for them to. distract themselves with. A lot of. people didn't have big houses to stay in. during the pandemic. They were in an. apartment and they're just like, "This. is miserable." And, uh, I get that a. lot. I get, you know, right now the one. I'm getting is, you know, you know, we. just put our dog down. You I've never. I've never laughed and sobbed at the. same time. Thank you for letting us. process and but you know, the least the. least I can do is take a second and talk.

to someone who wants to say hi to me. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like I mean that. that's something that you do quite. uniquely. I feel like the ability to. make someone laugh and cry. Even like as. we've been talking today, I'm like I'm. like having like a really emotional. moment with you and you're like making. me crack up at the other end with like. your grandma's funeral like being at the. hospital or like and and there's a. there's a real beauty in that. Like have. you ever sat and thought about like was. this the first time in this special that. you got extra emotional and got people.

to cry? Was this like one of the first. times or Yeah, I've never done this. before. I mean I'm I don't I don't mean. this like cocky, but I don't think I. don't think there's a lot of comics. That's what I'm saying. that are that. are doing that and I and I didn't know. if I should do it. What made you do it? Why did you go there? It was ready. I. did that story before Razledazzle. I was. going to do it at the end of Razledazzle. and I just thought I don't know. It just. it felt weird to me for that material. That material it felt weird and I and. then and I was and Georgia called me one. time on stage. I was on stage and right.

before I released Razled Dazzle, she. goes, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm. doing standup." She goes, "Oh, are you. telling the escape room story?" And I. was like, "No, why should I?" She goes, "Absolutely, Dad. you remember you. almost [ __ ] in papa's mouth and I went. oh yeah and then she kind of broke down. the story on stage told it I went that's. my closer and I was like good I'll get. made fun of if I do this dog story. everyone's going to make fun of me and. and and say I just I can I'm I'm. thinking of it too much and then I do. this special and uh everyone I was. working with was like are you seeing. what's happening in the room and I was.

like no cuz you can't really see. anything and it's an arena and they're. like yo we're out there and they're like. grown men are sobbing crying like people. are holding each other and laughing and. crying at the same time. They're like, "This is different." Like, I remember a. dude I really respect I brought with me. on the road. He's like, "That has to be. your closer." He's like, "That he goes, I don't know one comic making people. cry, but making them happy cry like. they're crying for something they love. and then they're laughing and you end on. a laugh." He's like, "You have to do.

it." I I just didn't know if it would. work. It was like what you said about. writing a book. You sit with it for four. years and then and I shot this in July. and it just came out this March. So, I've been sitting on this special and I. just was like, I'm going to get. destroyed. Like I I just started in my. head going like no one's going to like. this. Everyone's going to make fun of. this last story. They're going to go, "Oh, Bird always cries. That's all he. does." And um and I put it out like the. first day it was trending at number two. And I went, which I never trended over.

six. And I was like, "Whoa, that's. weird." And I went into my stories where. people like mention you and it just. looked like a straight line. And I was. like, "Whoa." And I was like, "I only. got one story. I only got one person. mentioning me." And I hit it. And I hit. it and I was like, "Oh my god." I. couldn't get it the line to go away. And. I was like, and it was all about this. story. Everyone was just sobbing, crying. People were sending me pictures. of their dogs. They were holding their. dogs. They were filming their husbands.

crying. They were I mean it was so. cathartic for me and I'm I'll be very. real. So uh you get on Netflix on on a. Tuesday, you find out if you trend on. Wednesday. I did press all Wednesday. morning from 6:00 in the morning till. 9:00. Uh I don't know if anyone's liked. the special. I don't know if it's. trending. I don't know any of that. I go. and take a nap and I'm waiting for an. agent or someone to text me. Like I. figured I said to myself, if it just. trends in the top 10, I'm going to be. happy. Look, I'm 52. Maybe there's guys.

doing it better than me, younger than. me. I expect them to just blow my doors. off. Just please tell me I have another. year of doing stand. Like that's way. your head's thinking. And I took a nap. I woke up and I got a text from a. younger comic I really, really like, uh, Ricky Bles. And he just said, "Yo, man, you're killing it. This is a great. special. I've been a fan of yours for a. while. I'd love to hang out next time. I'm in LA. Not do a podcast, hang out.". I was like, "That's cool." And I like. this guy. this guy's doing what I was. trying to do at his age. He's doing it. way better than I'm doing it. So, I was.

like, "Oh, nice." I was like, "You like. the special? Cool." I was like, "Nice. A. young kid liked the special." And then. my text blow up. And that's when I went. into my stories and I saw it. And as I'm. watching the stories people are saying, I started sobbing, crying just out of. gratitude, out of just sitting there. going like, "Gh, the thing I did is. good. It's not horrible. It's not. horrible. People don't hate me. Gh." I. was just sobbing, crying in my bed and I. was like, and then Leanne comes in from. her workout class. She's like, "What's. wrong with you?" She just walks in. She.

goes, "You're training at number two.". And I was like, "What?" I didn't even. look at Netflix. And then I was like, and so I was like, "Whatever. I'm good. My first day was good." And then it's. been like that every day. The response. has been crazy. People really are. connecting with that last story. Yeah. Talk talk to me about what you just said. now. that that. inevitable embracing of insignificance. and irrelevance that everyone goes. through. Like that idea that one day, oh. yeah, no one's going to care about me. No one's going to care about you. No.

one's going to care about 99.9% of. everyone who's relevant, current, whatever trending we want to call it. And there's that thing that creatives go. to where you see them holding on to. their last bit of relevance and. significance, and it's painful to watch. Yeah, but you understand it because you. wait a minute like no matter how much we. say like you know Ellen Ellen said. something that I love. She goes I used. to always say I didn't care what people. thought. That's when everyone thought I. was amazing. Like you know it's like.

it's really easy to say I don't care. what anyone thinks when I'm the number. one person in the world. But then when. you actually are not number one, number. two, number three, number four, you you. start getting down on that list. You'll. be on number 10 now. You do start caring. what people think. Especially like what. you said, the new god like and. especially when the new god has respect, that's a beautiful thing. But when the. new god's kind of like, you know, living. how you were when you were the new god. who has that overconfidence, the. arrogance, how do you think about that? Like how have you reflected? Have you. thought about that at all? I that's all.

I think. You got to remember I didn't I. like I I was just going to be a. journeyman comic. Like I I wasn't. supposed to be successful. I I I you. know I did Travel Channel and I thought. that was going to be my life and then. when I got let go of from Travel Channel. and my special didn't do well the. machine didn't do well and I'm getting. fat shamed by Tommy I was like okay I I. remember saying are we cool with this. can we do this like this at this level. like I was the guy at the store when.

people would talk to me more successful. commerce would talk to me they'd look. over my shoulder waiting for someone. better to talk to I was a nice guy. people liked but I wasn't relevant to. them. And so they were like, "Oo, that. guy's Oh, that guy's 28 and he's killing. it. Give me one second, bro. I want to. go talk to him." And I was like, "Am I. cool with that?" I remember one time. coming off stage, not wearing cool. sneakers, wearing dad jeans, and seeing. a young comic, murdering it in the car. that my wife and I had seen in we had. looked at that brand car, and that he.

had the car they had in the showroom. I. the car was like $220,000 and I was. like, "Oh, how do how can he afford. that?" So, I wasn't supposed to be. successful and I was cool with it. I was. definitely cool with it. I was like, I. can just do comedy at Funny Bones. I. love comedy. I'll keep putting out. specials, maybe. You never know. Look, Rogan's a good friend. I can always do. his podcast. You know, that's how my. brain worked. I had my podcast, but no. one cared. And then I had the. conversation with my dad. I got let go. from Travel Channel. I had the.

conversation with Rogan and him and. Tommy. I remember them both saying like, "Don't worry, we can help you get ad. sales." And I was like, "Okay." And then. I posted the machine story and then all. of a sudden it went like crazy. I mean, I had never experienced that before. Like genuinely viral. And uh and then. all of a sudden I started selling. tickets and I was like, "Whoa, holy. crap, this is crazy." Just selling out, not looking at ticket counts, just going. in and knowing everything's clean. And. so I I I really honestly had kind of.

already let go of all of it. But there's. a part of me that remembers, oh, it was. cool when they I remember I remember. getting right before I got let go in. Travel Seattle, I got into a town car. They got me a town car for something. And I remember getting in and going, this is the last town car I'll ride in. I was like, I should really enjoy this. So, I kept always saying that every time. I went to theaters, I was like, I. probably won't do theaters again. You. only do theaters once really. I'll go. back to clubs, but enjoy this. This is. the Chicago theater. Let's go for a jog. tonight and watch the sunset. And then, yo, uh, this is crazy. I'm doing the.

Beacon. I probably am not going to sell. two shows of the Beacon ever again. So, let's really enjoy this. And I brought. my girls that I grew up with in Tampa up. to the out to my bus and we hung out and. and I and then when I started doing. arena, I didn't even know I was going to. do arenas. I didn't know I was doing an. arena. I was in uh Green Bay and I was. like, I'm doing an arena. And they're. like, yeah. And I was like, whoa, I got. to really enjoy this. And so, I every. step of the way have been like, I got to. enjoy this. But then, you know, I take. nine months off, just wait for the.

special to be released, and I was and I. I did did it again. Am I cool with not. being relevant? Am I cool with not being. the thing, the shiny. object and maybe going back to clubs or. going back to theaters? I I remember I. texted my manager today, I go, "Hey. guys, I'm I don't need to do arenas. anymore. I can do I I love theaters. That's why Kevin Hart did a theater." I. go, "There's no shame in doing a. theater. A lot of them you can see a lot. of me make more money than an arena. And. then special came out and I was like I.

it was just like a relief. I was. like I was like I can breathe. I can. breathe. That oh my god that is like and. uh and then we were on a call today and. they're like yo you know doing arenas. again in the in the fall starting. September. And I told them I said and I. said to them I said you know hey when we. book out 2026 I don't have to do arena. tours like I don't have to be holding on. to something. I'm cool with doing some. clubs and doing some some theaters and. and and and doing some outdoor venues.

I'd like to do the gorge again. But like. I go, let's shake it up, you know? And. they were all like, "Really?" I was. like, "Yeah, I don't know. I don't. care." Like it's But that it's I've. watched it go away for people. It sucks. And you're right. Watching someone hold. too tightly. It's why that song Hold on. loosely by 38 Special is so great. Hold. on loosely and don't let go. Cuz if you. hold too tight, girl, you're going to. lose control. You're going to you're g.

That's a great song. It's a great song. Hold on loosely. No, I love that. Yeah, that's a great name for a special. Yeah. Yeah, it is a good name. It is a good. name. I love what you're saying though, that I was I was driving to one of my. clients homes the other day and this is. someone I grew up watching, huge fan of, someone that I coach and work with. And. I was driving to his house and I walked. in and you know it's like it's like a. mile drive from the gate to even get to. the house. Yeah. And I was just like I. have to live in the moment that I cannot.

believe. And now we I've been co I've. been working with him for seven years. So I've driven to this house like every. day for years. Yeah. But I was like it. loses its value when I stop being. grateful for it. As soon as it becomes. familiar like what you're saying. I love. what you just said. I love love love. what you just said because as soon as. greatness becomes familiar and. excellence becomes familiar and all of. this stuff becomes familiar, you lose. its value and then when you lose it, you. don't you never got to experience it. So. you realize you never had it in the. first place cuz you were just running.

after it like you were chasing the whole. time. You never held it. And what you. just said is you held it for that. moment. I still hold it. Yeah, you still. hold it. I just signed up when I did the. machine and my my producer Kale Ber he's. he's the one of the greatest guys like. guys happens to be a great movie. producer and I was like yeah I'm going. to um I'm going to not drink and not I'm. going to be clean I'm going to work out. I'm going to eat clean I'm going to look. good and he just kind of looked at me. he's like yeah hey man that's that's not. who I hired he's like look if I know who.

you are like if you're not having fun. you're not going to it's going to show. up on screen but if you're having fun. it'll show up on screen like if you were. having fun and he goes, "I can't tell. you if the movie is going to be a hit. I. can't tell if it's going to be a flop. You never know. But what I can tell you. is you're probably only going to get to. make one movie. So enjoy this process. Have fun." And man, I had so much fun. making the machine. It was the. experience of a lifetime cuz every day I. was like, I will never make another. movie. I will never have another movie.

where I don't have to memorize lines. because I say whatever I want to say. like I it's it was like the greatest. life experience of my life. But yeah, that's how I look at every project is. this is probably the last one I'll do, you know? I thought I I I know I have. one more special with Netflix. Like I. owe them one and I go that might be my. last one. But that only makes it better. though. So the cool thing about a. special and and you don't you don't get. to experience this and and I don't think. some comics think about this but I think. about this. So I take this material that. I create about 18 24 months out and I.

take this and I work it and I play with. it and at a certain point I get bored of. it and I reinvent it and I come back to. it. But I play with this for two years I. work on this same stuff and when I do my. last taping I did six shows and on my. last taping I was present and I said. this is the last time I'll say these. words. Oh, it's like it's like my I give. them the universe. I'll never get them. again. And I get so emotional saying. that, but you know, you're so your.

material is who you are. And I can't and. and I go, this is the last time I'll say. this word, this wording in this cadence. And it's just so it's But with a band, you never do that. Yeah. And then. sometimes you tell a story like a. machine and you've been telling it now. for 15 years. And I'll still tell it. I'll still tell it. Listen, I was that. story. He changed my I sat listen I sat. in the Ryman Theater. There's a woman. named Angela Johnson. Brilliant comic. She's got a great nail salon bit. I was. with Arch Fear and Nate Nate Barati. None of us were working very well. None.

of us were making money. She had sold. out the Rhyman and they were chanting. for this nail salon bit. And I said to. the Lord, I said, "Lord, give me one bit. that people give a [ __ ] about. I'll tell. it until the day I die." And he was. definitely listening. He was like, "I. got you. I I'll one up it. I'll make it. a 12-minute bit. you're gonna make a. movie out of this bit. I'll tell I got. you. And that's my nail salon bit. You've you've always been so open about. mental health and I talk about anxiety. and and you know that's a big priority.

for us here as well because I find that. so many people in their journey never. get to share that. People don't get to. see that within people. You've talked. about anxiety, intrusive thoughts. Like. why were you comfortable enough to open. up about that without thinking people. are going to pick at that look at that. weird your peers kind of where where did. that get you get that courage and. confidence? I think it was stupidity. I. think I mean I just was like you know. when I got into the business I was like. 100% transparency. I was watching comics. as a character and I was like that.

doesn't seem fun. So you're going to. pick a character and then you're going. to stay a character your whole life. I. was like, I'm going to be Bert and I'm. just going to be Bert and anything I. think I say and and and I'm going to. live by the sword, die by the sword. This is my thing. And when anxiety came. up, I just was like, yo, it's I have. anxiety. Like, I have anx I have really. bad anxiety. I have OCD. I have. intrusive thought. I have I have. struggled with I don't know. I don't. think I have depression only because I. just I can't I can't I can't I think.

people that have real real depression. think it's insulting for me to think the. thing I go through is depression. I know. what it's like to have anxiety. I had an. anxiety attack driving in college and I. didn't know what it was. I thought I had. a brain tumor. And then the first time I. was explaining it to someone and then. and this is I mean this is probably 27. years old 28 years old. I was explaining. it to someone and they were like, "Oh, you got anxiety attacks." I went to a. therapist and she said, "I have a fear.

of flying. I don't know if you noticed, but I have a fear of flying. I rituals I. do when I fly." She said, "Well, yeah, you have anxiety. Let me give you. Xanax." Then I took Xanax and I was. like, "Oh my god, is this what regular. people feel like?" I was like, "Are you. kidding me?" And then I I developed a. problem with Xanax as as many people. with anxiety do. And my wife, right when. we had Georgia, she said, "Yo, you're. done taking Xanax." like I had taken. I've been using it, you know, on and off. for like a year and she maybe a little. more and George and Leanne's like, "You're done with Xanax. It's you can.

have one if you need one, but it can't. be your go-to every night. It can't be. the way you put yourself to sleep." And. then when I we started doing podcasts, I. just was like, I don't know. I was like, I just be open and honest. You know, I. have ruminating thoughts where I just. chew a thought over and over again. What's been the most recent? I have one. this morning. You went with the one this. morning. Uh I uh a great great comic uh. Nick Thun was telling me about when he. quit drinking and he said he was having. a liver failure and his back was hurting.

and this morning I woke up on my side. and my back hurt. I went that does it. you party too much your liver's failing. your liver's failing and I started going. through thoughts I could not stop and I. have a saying when I go when I start. having an anxiety or OCD I go be like a. shark get out of bed and start moving. second you start moving, things start. helping. And I go, "Get in the gym. Get. in the sauna. Let's get in the sauna. Let's get in the sauna. Let's sweat some. stuff out. It's just back pain. You're. trust me, you would have other. symptoms." And I but I can't connect. with it. And I And it just it goes on.

and on and on. And and then and I just. obsess about it. And then and I bring it. up to almost everyone. I've brought it. up to everyone I've seen today. And then. I go, "No booze. No booze anymore. I'm. done for a month. I'm going to cut off. for a month." That does it. And then I. come up here and I see your house. I go, "All right, bottle of champagne. What's it what's it going to hurt? Right? But but but I have I have a. saying with uh life, whether you're. dealing with anxiety, OCD, eating, uh. drinking, masturbating, whatever your a.

little thing is. My saying is, and it. kind of calms me down. Let's do today. just a little better than we did. yesterday. That's all we got to do. Just. a baby step, little better than. yesterday. And if we have a bad day. today, realize tomorrow we're going to. have we're going to do better. We have. an opportunity to do better tomorrow. And so I've been stuck in that mindset. today. And I said, let's just get let's. do a little bit better today than we did. yesterday. And so that's where my head's. at. But yeah, they've gotten I've had. really and you know, my daughters have.

anxiety. Uh and and Leanne doesn't. They. have sleep anxiety. They both had sleep. anxiety when they were young. So, Georgia would uh wake up and think she. was dying. And I remember I was so glad. I had anxiety then cuz so I could help. her. Lean's like, "Just go count sheep.". I go, "Uh-uh. Let's not count. We're not. counting. That's the worst way to deal. with this. Just cuz if you It's shutting. your brain off is the thing you need to. do. If your brain's just going after it, you're you're screwed." Yeah. And so,

uh, but Leanne's also a gangster. She. got both of them into therapy. immediately. uh and this therapist. helped them immensely. But now George. and I can text about anxiety and talk. about it and and you know it's the best. thing about it is when you know other. people have it is you're. like so I'm not broken. I'm not crazy. Definitely not. Yeah. And that's the the. greatest feeling. And it's it's you know. my look my family's seen me when I get. ready for a flight. It's like I I get. physically ill. I start feeling my head.

getting tight. I feel this and they're. like hey you just have anxiety. And then. to try to recognize it sometimes it. doesn't help 100% but you can breathe. That's one other one thing I always say. like wait I'm breathing. I'm still. breathing and I take deep breaths. and I'm still breathing. Crazy anxiety. scuba diving. Oh yeah. I mean. definitely trying to breathe and scuba. diving is hard enough. I mean probably. one of the biggest panic attack panic. attacks I ever had were scuba diving in. a thunderstorm in Fiji at 90 ft. Yeah,

that would do it. Yeah. And I'm and. we're in a tin boat and I'm just like I. get in the water and we start sinking. and I realize very quick nothing I like. is down at the bottom of this ocean and. I start kicking up to the top and my. dive instructor just grabs me, grabs my. BC, grabs my thing, puts it in my mouth, like just holds it there and just going. like this and I sunk with this Fijian. woman who looked like Junior Sea. She. was a big woman and she took me to the.

bottom of the ocean and I was like and. then but you know I got through it. You. get through it. Yeah. You always get. through it. No one dies from anxiety. Yeah. You've developed enough coping. mechanisms. I don't know if I have and I. don't know if they're healthy. I know. alcohol's been a big coping mechanism of. mine. Yeah. Yeah. When I the first time. I learned I could sleep without. drinking, like, you know, cuz you do it. from 22 to like, you know, 30 and then. one day you're like, I got to try to go. to sleep without a cocktail or a glass. of wine. First time I did that, I was.

like, whoa, I can fall asleep. Shut up. My Oh my god, I've got enough tools to. shut my brain off. Yeah. And that relationship feels. healthier now with alcohol. Oh, yeah. I. mean, look, let's be real. Alcohol is. poison. Everyone knows that. It's not. good. You shouldn't do it. But I'm also. not a Mormon. I like to have a good. time. I like to get loose. It's for. alcohol for me, it's not even the buzz. I I got to be honest with you, it's the. letting loose. It's the celebration. It's the hey, do you want to do a shot? And you go, I definitely want to do like.

like the it's the permission to party. Like it literally is I mean I named that. tour this because when someone's like, "Hey, man." When someone likes a joint, you're like, "You want that?" That's. that's like, "Yo, let's do it. Let's get. after it." I love when people crack open. a bottle of wine, crack open a drink and. go, "Hey, you you want one?" I It's It's. the funnest thing in the world. When. When flight attendants say to me, "Can I. get you something to drink?" I love that. cuz they don't always say that, but when. they do, I go, "This is going to be a. good.

fight." I I said I have a speech that. I've I've people passed around, but it. it is like a first kiss. When we got. married, Leanne goes I said, "Does it. bum you out you'll never have sex with. anyone?" She goes, "No, absolutely not.". I said, "Me either." I said, "I think. I'm good just having sex with you." She. goes, "What really bums me out is I'll. never get a first kiss." I know. For us, that's the worst cuz we got to do the. kiss. All the anxiety is on us. We got. to wait the whole night. Does she want. to kiss me? Is she going to kiss me? Should I take her? Should I do it in the. car? Should I do it when we walk to the. car? When should I do it? Oh, no. That. was the wrong time. That was wrong time.

For for a woman, it's just this. excitement of like, when's it going to. happen? Is he doing it now? When's it is. it when's my present show up? And that's. how I feel about shots. What? What's the Whoop telling you? I. see you with the Whoop on. So, I'm. crazy. I'm crazy neurotic. Okay. Okay. So, I check I check all of it. My. favorite day in the year is what? Ouh. December 30th when they post our scores. I love Whoop. And uh I have found that.

if I am overly hydrated, my my heart. rate is lower. So every night before I. go to bed, I drink four liquid deaths, 19 ounce liquid desks. I drink four of. them. I pee in the middle of the night, but I drink four of them. My heart. rate's around 56 beats per minute when I. and that's after having, you know, bottle of wine or some poros. And so I'm. wildly hydrated, and that is my key for. my Whoop. It also, you know, for me, it. also tells you how hard to work out. I. love that. I love a goal because you.

know when we did the first sober October. we were all set trying to set goals of. how hard we can work out and that when. you see the top of the mountain you know. where you have to go and so you go all. right I'm not done I'm getting back on. the treadmill I'm going to get on the. assault bike okay here we're going to do. the skir for we'll do and I like I love. that like right now I've already hit my. goal my goal was like I slept horrible. last night my goal was uh I think at. 10:00 and I'm at 9.6 six. But if it. wasn't, go to the gym, hit the ski urg. uh 10 calories 10 times and we'll see.

We'll just get there 10 and get him a. minute break. Yeah, I like that [ __ ] I. love it. I love whoop, too. It's great. to measure. You need it. And then they. measure your steps. You're like, "Yo, whoop, how long have you been doing. that?" Cuz you I didn't send this in. You just turn something on. Give me my. old steps. I want to know what my old. steps were. Yeah. I When I started. measuring steps was the very first I got. a Fitbit, the little one you put in your. pocket. And bro, that changed the game. for me. I was like, I'm into fitness. tracking. And then when they sent these. to us for the first second sober.

October, buddy, I've been this thing. does not come off my wrist unless I do a. special. I take it off. You're going to. need to pay me for that. Whoop. Yeah, we. should figure that out. Yeah, they used. to they they still do. They're pretty. good to us. Yeah, I love that. But it. has been I mean, you are literally the. best time, buddy. You're you're the best. interview I've ever done. You're so good. at this. I feel so present. Um, it's. crazy. You're But you're so much fun. You got to realize this is like there's. good chemistry. What we should do is we.

should do a double date. Your wife and. my wife. I love that. And then my wife's. going to go shut the up or let him talk. I can't wait to meet. No, honestly, we. have to hang outside of this. Like, I'd. love that. I've got your number. You're. such a good time. And we end every. episode with a final five. These. questions have to be answered in one. word to one sentence maximum. Okay. But. I may ask you to elaborate because I. think you're going to give me some. awesome answers. So, question number one. is, what is the best advice you've ever.

heard or received? Uh, don't take. anyone's. advice. That's the best advice. But. sometimes everyone's advice is so built. up with their [ __ ] I remember. posting a a dance video and everyone was. like, "Why would you do that? Sold out. my tour in seconds. I'm so glad I didn't. listen to anybody.". Don't take Don't take anyone's advice. I. love that. Uh I fully agree. The amount. of publishers that told me not to call. my book Think Like a Monk. That was my. first book and they were like, "Don't. call it that. No one wants to think like.

a monk." They're they're telling they're. giving you advice based on their. failures. Totally. And you're not them. Totally. And data, which is which is. already in the past. Yeah. Right. Having. said that, Joe Rogan gave me the best. advice ever. And he just said he just. said to me, just, you know, a little. high, a little drunk in the back of the. store. He's like, "You need a Netflix. special." And I was like, "Yeah." He was. like, "No, you need one." I was like, "I. don't know how to get that joke." And he. goes, "Be undeniable." And he just. walked away. I was like, "The [ __ ] does. that mean? I wrote in my joke book and I. just tried to figure it out." Then when.

you are undeniable, you're like, "Oh, that was great advice." I love. that. Question number two. What is the. worst advice you've ever heard or. received? Worst advice I ever h got was. uh you should start wearing a shirt. If I had worn a shirt, who told you. that? I won't say her name, but someone. that worked at Showtime, she said, "Hey, you should wear a shirt for this." Trust. me, no one does it without a shirt for a. reason. You should wear a shirt. And I. was and I almost did. And then she said, "How about this? You do one with a. shirt, one without a shirt." Okay. And I.

said, "Well, then we can't cut in. between them." She goes, "Yeah, we'll. use the one with the shirt. Do not do it. without a shirt." And I was like, "I. don't know. I I remember thinking I'm a. little different. Like, I want to do it. my way." Like I I know that. And a lot. of people were like, "Why would you not. wear a shirt? My dad, why would you?". buddy, put on a Brooks Brothers coat, a. tie, look sharp. And I was like, "No, I'm going to do it shirtless." And thank. God. I mean, it like I think that's been. my I mean, that's how some people times. people just go, "Oh, I didn't recognize. you with a shirt on." That is so good. I.

do you know what? When you came in today. and I buzzed you in and I saw you. without your shirt on, I was like, "He's. going to do it without a shirt." I love. it. I love it. I was like, "He's going. to do it without shirt." I told the. team, I was like, "He's coming without a. shirt. He's going to do it." I [ __ ] And. then and then you came out of the car. and then the your your team had your. shirt and I was like, "Oh, okay." It. would this people would turn my breasts. are just too meaty. I'm at the point now. where my breast hit my stomach. You. don't know what that's like. It's sad. I. look good standing up shirtless, but.

sitting down shirtless, I like a melted. candle, dude. It's great. I love it. I was so I. was like, "Guys, he's going to do it. with a shirt." I can answer these last. ones shirtless just to just to really be. brand friendly. God, this is a nice shirt, too. It's a. really nice shirt. I really like it. You. look great, bro. You look great. Oh, thank you. Yeah, this like Wow, we're. getting Oh, there we go. Okay, we're. getting the full experience. I love it. Now I'm like, okay, what's our next. question? You're amazing. I love this. Uh,

question number three is, uh, what's. different and similar about the way you. parent your kids and the way your dad. parented you? Oh, I'll tell you what's similar. Okay, I parented my kids the exact way my dad. parented me. What's different is my kids. are smarter than I was and they told me. I was doing it wrong. Dude, I was a. raise your voice, raise your voice kind. of dad. Girls didn't I remember the.

biggest fight we ever gotten with girls. They took the collars. They like when my. our dogs are naked and we have bull. mastiffs. I go, "Girls, the second you. take the collars off, I can't control. that dog." And they let both the dogs. out and they chased a woman and I. couldn't get them say the collars. And I. came in and I started yelling at my. girls. And Georgia goes, "Just so you. know, when you get to here, we know. there's nowhere else you're going." And. I was like, "What?" She goes, "The. threat's over. This is as bad as it. gets." And I was like, "What?" She goes, "You're not going to hit us, so it's not. working." All right. And I was like,

"Oh, shit." And I realized, "Oh, it's. not working. You can't just go like that. does it. I'm not because this is as bad. as it gets. I go, "Okay, where does it. go from here?" And then then Georgia uh. took the car with her friends in. You're. not allowed to do that. And she was. like, "Here we go again." Lean caught. her. And I said, "Yo, come home right. now." She drops her friends off. She. comes home. She sits and she's like, "All right, do it like like. that." I go, "Hey, it's just unsafe. Can.

you do me a favor? just write like write. like a thousand words on why you think. that I'd be upset about. this. And she started crying and she. goes, "Wait, you're not gonna yell at. me?" I went, "No." I go, "It doesn't. work. You said that. It doesn't work.". And it doesn't work. You're still you're. still doing bad things. So, like, just. write a thousand words and then give it. to me. And she started sobbing, crying. And she was like, she goes, "I think. you're you're turning into like a really. great dad." And I was like, "Really?". She goes, "Dad, you you understand me.

like your dad." It didn't work. And then. she wrote a thousand words and it was. all a thousand words why she loves me. and doesn't want to let me down. And I. went, "Oh shit." Yeah. I love my dad, but he didn't do that. Wow. Do you think. having the daughters changed you? Like. that was Those two kids, those two kids. are just incredible kids. Really. incredible kids who get it and uh and. get me. And. uh I. perfect trying to plan a trip to Hawaii.

and both of them want to get jobs this. summer. I'm like, what are we talking. about? If my dad said Hawaii, I'd be. like, "Yeah, I'll quit my job tomorrow, Dad." Yeah. I love that. Uh question. number four. You're such an open book. What's something people don't know about. you, they'd be surprised to hear? I. think if people heard my inner. dialogue sometimes. Interesting. I think. they'd I think people would be bummed. out for me. Oh, interesting. You know. how you say like you say like the things. sometimes you say to yourself you go I.

forget the quote but it's like you know. what would what would you say if someone. was saying that about your daughter? Yeah. And you go [ __ ] I beat that person. up. Why would you let them do it to you? Sometimes my inner dialogue is can be. really punitive. And I and I think I. think if I people heard it they would it. would break their heart a little bit. And I I that's the one thing I tried. better um to change about myself is my. inner dialogue to be more positive about. myself. But at the same time, that. punitiveness is the thing that drives me. a little bit where I go, don't let them.

if they think that about you, you. change. You do better. You get that does. it. Let's get in the gym. Let's write. Let's read that script. Let's let's do. that movie. Let's challenge ourselves to. do that. Let's go back on tour. Let's. take time off. Like I think that inner. dialogue, as unhealthy as it may be, I. bet if most people heard that inner. dialogue, they'd give me a hug and go, I. do the same [ __ ] M Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I think we all do it. I do it. We. all do it. You just look in the mirror. and then you you should be happy. Like, look at these crystal blue electric.

eyes. Oh, man. I think we're It's. There's so many I I think you're spot. on. There's so many and by the way it is. that you're you're somewhat trained to. be driven and you know that that level. of setting that standard high is what. lets you rise and keep going otherwise. we would have sat here for 10 minutes. and walked off right like what there's. no need so there's that and then there's. the compassion and that's why I've seen. the best performers in the world they. have high standards but then they have. high grace and it's like if you have one.

or the other it doesn't work like if you. have high standards and you have low. grace. You can't actually keep to those high. standards. And if you have low standards. and high grace, well, then you'll never. get anywhere. I'm always blown away by. guys with crazy confidence and I'm like, is that real? Like I I go like like. people just talk wild [ __ ] I'm like I'm. like, "Yo, I'm actually a good comic. I'm better than like I'm I'm like legit. Like you believe that about yourself?". I'm always blown away by that. Yeah. But. you have to you have to there was this.

great uh Federraer gave this Roger. Federra the tennis player gave this. amazing commencement speech last year. and he was saying that he's only won. something like 60% of his points in his. lifetime. And he was saying the best. thing I have to do is lose a point and. then forget about that point. Like I got. to move on cuz otherwise I'm going to. lose the next point. Lose the next point. if I keep thinking about that last loss. But he goes I've lost a ton of points in. my life. He goes my skill is not to not. lose points. My skill is to be able to. leave that point that I lost in the.

background and go win the next point. And I feel like that that's that. compassion. That's that grace of like. just move on next one. Like you did with. your next special. The first one didn't. work out. Next one. Like let's see what. can go. So it's crazy. I think that's uh. yeah. I don't know who I'd be with if I. like I sometimes toy with the idea of. getting on Prozac or something and then. I go but wait I don't want to get rid of. the Maybe that's my my mom. I told her I. was going to get on Prozac. She goes, "Oh, honey, those are your nooks and. crannies." Like, "What?" My mom has zero. anxiety. Zero anxiety. Wow. I love that.

My dad called one time. He was calling. me on FaceTime. He goes, "Hey, buddy. I. want to just tell you that I love you. I'm going into surgery tomorrow." I go, "Okay." I said, "Was it a crazy. surgery?" And he goes, "No, but you. know, you know, just wanted, you know, I. love you." And I hear from my mom in the. background go, "Sometimes they don't. wake up." And I was like, "Wait, mom? What?" She said, "Sometimes they don't. wake up." So, your dad may not wake up. He may die. And I'm like, I look at my. dad's eyes and he's like, I live with. this woman.

Oh god. Last two questions. All right. Um, where am I? Let's do Okay. Yeah. So, has there ever been a joke or something. you said in a roast or something like. that on stage where you're like, "Yeah, I went too far." But yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Every podcast I do because you're. sensitive, too. That's the thing. Oh, I. never I never want a joke to hurt. someone. Yeah. I remember I told a joke. one time about uh about black women. It. was a good joke. I I would have stood by. it had a fan not come up to me as a.

black woman. She was really pretty and. she said, "Hey man, I uh I'm I'm a fan.". And I was like, "Cool." She goes, "I. just want you to know that that joke. kind of hurt a little bit." And she. goes, "And I know that wasn't your. intention, but it it didn't make me feel. like I was still part of the team. I. felt like I was now an outsider. And I. went, "Oo." She goes, "Yeah, I know.". She goes, "I didn't I wasn't thinking. about being black until you said that.". And then when you said it, I realized I. was like, "I'm the only black woman in.

there." And I went, "Uh, that's not my. intention." And she goes, "I know. That's why I'm telling you, wow, that's. Yeah. And I remember and but you don't. realize that when you do comedy, you're. just trying to get laughs, right?" And. and the one time I didn't believe a guy. was blind and he was blind. I really. regret that. I didn't Tommy told me he. wasn't blind. He was lying and I tested. him and then he got up and he was really. blind and I was like wow he he's really. blind and they're like he got blind 2. days ago and I was like oh god so he. wasn't it was yeah that was I hey I.

could we could do a podcast on. regrets I've been doing this 25 years I. regret a lot oh god what about what. about when you said your daughter CEO. special and they're like dad stop being. a misogynist like and they were like. they told me they go yeah's just a. misogynist and I went no I'm not and. they went have you ever watched watch. your standup and I was like, "Yeah." And. they're like, "Do you hear the way you. talk about mom?" And I was like, "Yeah, but that's mom." And they're like, "Do. dad, do you you're a wild misogynist.". And then Isa was like, "Could you just. write a joke for women?" Like to make.

the women feel like better than the men. And I was like, "I can do that." And. then I wrote it and they they didn't. like it. They they definitely didn't. like it. But but maybe that's coming. Maybe you're you're moving in that. direction. Maybe. I don't know. I don't. know what my direction is now that I. have this crying joke at the end. I feel. like everyone's going to be like, "What. are you going to make us cry about. next?" And I'll be like, "Oh god, hope. my dad dies." Oh god. So I buried my. dad. They're like, "Here we. go." Oh god. Final question. We ask this.

to every guest who's ever been on the. show. If you could create one law that. everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? The law I would make, like I really dig. like uh siesta in Spain. But not everyone's a. napper. But I like that concept that. there's like I would do like I would do. statemandated happy hours. Like. statemandated happy hours where like. like you you had at 5:00 when you got.

off work you couldn't go home. You had. to go to everyone had courtappointed. bars and you had to go to these bars and. you don't have to drink but you got to. spend time and talk to people in the. community. Like you got to go there and. people can drink and it's only an hour. It's 1 hour, but everyone goes and you. and everyone has to go and be social and. just be connected to the That's what I. think is so cool about London. We were. talking about that is the pub energy. You guys got that. And I think that in. America, if we knew like I was like, "Oh, we got to wrap this up. We got to. go to Chili's real quick." And you're. like, "Oh, you go to Chili, too?" I go,

"Well, this week I'm going to Chili's.". And then we went to Chili and you're. like, "We should get a drink." I think. that would be awesome. And I would. definitely do comedy at those shows. I. would love that. Courtappointed mandated. happy hour comedy shows. Oh, there we. go. No, first time ever we've heard that. on the show. So, it's a good answer. I. love it. B Crusher lucky specials out. I'm the luckiest dude in the world. This. is so much fun. You are You're the best. And and thank you for thank you for. listening to me tell you how important I.

was on that plane. I'm so glad I said. that in the best way possible. I was. like I was like he is I already know. he's funny cuz I was like no normally if. someone said that you just it wouldn't. land but you said it in the most sweet. endearing way. I was like I wish I had. recorded that. I wish I recorded that. cuz I I would love to hear what I sound. like talking about myself cuz I know. what it I know it comes from a good. place but especially like I if I see. someone I recognize I get overwhelmed.

You were amazing. You were so nice. And. then you mentioned Tom Sagura and I was. like, "Oh yeah, I know Tom." Because my. videographer works with Tom and so I was. aware. And then yeah, it was and I knew. what Two Bears was. But it was it was. one of those weird situations where like. we just But we hit it off and you're. here. And what's crazy is I had you I. had videos of you saved in my YouTube. You sent them to me. And I was like I. was like I I am watch I watch you. I. relax. I sit back and listen to your. interviews. You're too kind. You're the. best. I want to come to your next. special next live. I'm there in the. audience. Done. Double date first. I'd.

love for that that first that first. I. love it. I'm in. I love it. Thank you, B. If you love this episode, you'll love. my interview with Will Smith on owning. your truth and unlocking the power of. manifestation. Anybody who hasn't spoken. to their parents or their brother. Call. them right now. Don't think you're going. to have a chance to call them tomorrow. or next week. That opportunity with my. father changed every relationship in my.