5 Love Experts: Don't Change Yourself Just to Win Them Back

A breakup can literally wreck your life. You could be doing so well in your. career and now you show up to work in. the worst mood. You could have a great. relationship with your family, but now. every holiday season all you can do is. think about that person. You got a great. group of friends around you. They love. you, but they're all in relationships. and you feel like you're behind. You. feel like you're not the one who's. getting proposed to. You're not the one. who's moving in. You're the one who's. starting all over again. If you felt any.

of that, this episode is dedicated to. you because I want your breakup to. become a moment you look back on as the. greatest pivot that ever happened in. your life. The number one health and. wellness podcast, J Shetty. J Shetty, the one, the only J Shetty. At one point in life, each of us gets. our heart broken. Maybe it was 2 years. ago. Maybe it was two months ago or.

maybe it was two days ago. But each and. every one of us knows how painful a. heartbreak can be because you're not. only losing that person, you're losing. the perception of the life you believed. you were going to have. You're losing. the version of you you were with that. person. And you're losing the projection. of this future that you were building. together. What we don't realize about breakups is.

that we're actually living through. grief. It's this slow, aching loss that. doesn't have a funeral. You're mourning. a future that won't happen. Trying to. figure it out. All the sadness, the. confusion, the. anger. And often in the beginning, you. think, I wish they would stay. I wish. they'd be here forever. And then. sometimes you move into this phase of. what did I do wrong? What could I have. done differently? Could I have held on? Could I have been.

better? And then at some point you go. between the two at the same time. Healing isn't linear. It's messy. It's. raw. It's deeply personal. And so as you. listen to this today, whichever stage. you're at in your breakup journey, I. hope it helps you. In this clip, relationship expert, therapist, and. best-selling author of Maybe You Should. Talk to Someone and one of my favorite. guests on the podcast talks about how we. expect a sense of closure. We want.

someone to give us this feeling, an. understanding of why they left us, what. was their reason, why did they cheat on. us, if that was the case. And often we. can spiral and go round and round in. circles hoping and expecting this. answer. But we all know that answer. rarely comes. That person's not around. anymore. They don't feel a. responsibility to give it to us and. closure is something we continue to. chase. In this segment, she'll talk a.

bit about how you can find that and. where it truly comes from. At the same. time, she talks about how we need to. acknowledge the value of what's lost. It's so important to really recognize. how we've lost things in the past, the. present, and the future. And she also. tells us how to seek advice from our. friends. We all want love. We all want. support. But she gives a really clear. insight to know which friends to be. around when you're going through a. breakup. Take a listen. I still find. till this day that breakups seem to be.

the hardest Yes. relationship transition. that people tend to go through. Maybe. apart from grief or maybe even similar. And I'd love your thoughts on that. But. because it is a kind of loss I think. that people feel. There was one person. uh from the audience that we were. connected with that had a breakup and. they really they were together with this. person for two years. They really. thought this is the person that they. were going to spend their life with. They really thought this was going in. their direction. They they felt that.

they actually had good like. compatibility. They were good at talking. about things. But then what felt like. out of the blue to this person, they. just felt that this person was like, I. don't think this is going in that. direction anymore and then things. withered away quickly. It's hard when. you kind of, you know, and this is. probably what you get all the time. People don't feel a sense of closure. They don't really understand the other. person's not doing a good job explaining. it and doesn't want to or doesn't have. the time. What are some of the steps.

that we need to take when we're kind of. lost in that no person's land of I. thought I had something, it doesn't. exist anymore? Well, first of all, loss. is exactly it. It's grief. And people go. through the stages of grief. And the. stages of grief are not sequential. So, they're they're actually meant for. people who are who are experiencing. terminal illness, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Um, but they're very apt, I think, for for. any kind of loss. And when you talk. about a breakup, there can be denial. like, "Oh, you don't really mean that.

We really are compatible." And you try. to talk the other person into maybe. seeing the light that they can't see. You know, the anger is, "How could you. have led me on for this amount of time? You're you're you're such a terrible. person. You wasted all my time. You were. lying to me this whole time." When the. person wasn't. They they probably truly, you know, thought this was going. somewhere. You know, the bargaining is, well, what if you know, you know, and. the person tells you maybe why they're. breaking up with you, like I don't think.

that we're compatible in this way. And. then you try to become the thing, you. know, like what if I did this or I can. be more of this or we can do this. And. they're like, no, that's not really the. the way this will get solved, you know, depression, which is just the whole I. mean, it's so because I think what. people don't realize is it's not what. you're losing just in the moment. It's. you're losing the future that you had. imagined. So you you lose the past. You. lose like all the whatever amount of.

time you spent with that person. You. built a life with this person and it's. the dailiness. There's an intimacy to. that dailiness. There's a comfort. There's a safety of this person knows. all these little quirks about me. Um you. know we have all these inside jokes. We. have a shorthand. Um you know this. person asks how my day is. I know you. it's it's the daily of being with. someone. So you lose that that's very. lonely. But then you also lose the. future. You had built up a whole story. about what your lives were going to be.

like in a year, 5 years, 10 years, 20. years. Gone. And you have nothing to. replace it with right now cuz you don't. know what it's going to look like yet. So the grief is real. And I think people. try to downplay it. They're like, "Why. are you so sad about this? He was a jerk. or she was a jerk or whatever." It's. like I'm sad because I lost something. very important to me. And your friends. need to realize that instead of just. demonizing the other person. Um they. need to realize like you lost something. really valuable in your daily life, in.

the present, in the future, part of your. past. All of that is gone now. So that's. really hard. I think the other part of. of then dealing with the grief is. letting yourself feel it cuz it's real. No matter what people tell you, it's. real. Um, and the other part is the. story that you're telling yourself about. it is really important. So you might be. telling yourself a story of the other. person's terrible. That might feel good. in the moment. It might be something. like I'm bad, you know, like I'm not. good enough. If I were only something.

else, this person would love me more or. I'm not lovable or I'll never find. anyone. Right? Those are not helpful. stories cuz it's not true. It's you were. not compatible with this person for. whatever reason even though you thought. you were. If the other person doesn't. feel you're the right person for them, you're automatically incompatible. Yeah. Yeah. Right. You can't you can't make it. so that well they just don't see it. So, we aren't compatible because the other. person doesn't want to be with me. So. many times I'll hear, you know, someone. even without a breakup, like someone.

will be dating someone and the person. isn't really invested in the. relationship maybe in the way that they. would like them to. And the person. sitting on my couch will say, "But we're. so compatible. We're so perfect for each. other." that person just has intimacy. issues and I could just change them. Even if the breakup was about you think. the person had intimacy issues, it. doesn't really matter. The point is they. aren't able to be with you so you are. not compatible. Mhm. And so that is I. think very comforting to know like we. are just not compatible even though it.

hurts a lot. We're not compatible and I. have to sit with the pain of I need to. know that we were not compatible and. that's not going to jade me in other. relationships. And I think that's the important thing. So many times we get into a new. relationship after that and we punish. the new person for something the old. person did. Yeah. Right. Like the old. the old person wasn't truthful with me, so I'm going to like check your phone. all the time. No. Don't don't like put. someone in jail for a crime they didn't. commit.

So you got to really like know what are. the wounds from this relationship? What. am I learning from this? What does this. teach me about me, about the other. person? And then how do I move into a. new relationship with hope and with. caution and hold holding both hope and. caution? Now this next clip is from. relationship expert and my good friend. Matthew Hussy. What I love about this. that I think is going to help so many of. you is so many of us turn a breakup into.

self-lame. We think about all the things. we got wrong, all the things we should. have done better, all the things we. could have done better, all the things. we wish we did. And it becomes this. almost. self-critical version of a conversation. And because you've not got the other. person to talk to anymore, it's. something you're going through by. yourself. Matthew talks about how you. can shift in this situation. How do we.

go from this happened to me to how can I. grow from this? Listen to this clip if. you're struggling right now with blaming. yourself for the breakup you just went. through. Let's talk a bit about breakups. because I think the challenge is that. everyone in their life goes through at. least one or two maybe more really. painful breakups. Whether it's. infidelity, whether it's out, it feels. out of the blue, someone just goes,

"Yep, not working out for me anymore.". Whether it's different goals and. different plans and priorities that. emerge over time. And I think everyone. who goes through a breakup, blames it on. themsel, often thinks that this is the. end. There'll never be another person. And it feels like a really dark dark. empty road and a lonely road. And I think it's really interesting. because there's so many, you know, piece. of advice and everything about like how.

to get over a breakup and and I've. talked about that as well myself, but I. just find that it seems to be a path. that you have to walk and have to take. and there's no real acceleration or. there's not, as you said, there's not. like I'm going to get over this breakup. in 3 months, right? There's no timeline. or deadline that you can set on it, but. it's just uncomfortable and it's almost. like sitting in discomfort. What do we do when we're sitting in that. discomfort? Well, when you're in the. depths of it, because there's different. phases, right? Like there's a certainly.

a phase of any heartbreak when it's. genuine deep heartbreak where you are. just questioning your existence where. you are like I this you know I remember. having my own heart broken and sitting. on this door the the doorstep of my. house with a friend of. mine and just with tears in my eyes. saying to him I just feel like I'm not. good enough. Like that was my deep sense.

was that I am not good enough and if I. was good enough I would have been able. to make this work. and and that's a that's a horrible place. to be and you you know we have to have. compassion for ourselves in those times. because it's brutally. difficult. It's a time where we just. need love and we need to celebrate the. fact that we got through another day and.

that we got I managed to get out of bed. today and you know it was a act of it. was a heroic act for me to just get out. of bed. We then have to you know I I. always think that all of these moments. give us gears that we wouldn't have had. otherwise. And the worst pain of my life. has given me access to gears that I. didn't know I. had. And as much as no one wants to hear.

it when they're in it, those gears turn. out to be really. valuable, they they really do. I mean, we all choose suffering in our lives. Like we we choose to go to the gym. That's choosing suffering. We choose. like to write a book. That's choosing a. form of suffering. We choose to make a. podcast or we choose to climb a literal. mountain or like we choose. pain in our lives regularly because we.

know that it gives us there are benefits. to be had. I have to argue that the. benefit I have gotten from the pain that. I didn't choose has been no less. valuable than the benefit I've gotten. from the pain I did choose. In fact, actually, I think the most valuable pain. I've ever had is the pain I didn't. choose. And when you realize. that, you can kind of almost I think. look at some of the worst moments of. your. life as like a menu of pain. And beside.

the item on the menu is the very. specific unique benefits that can only. come from this kind of pain. And you can kind of imagine yourself. choosing like retroactively choosing. that pain which is a very valuable thing. to do because there's I was told by a. psychologist about an experiment on rats. where uh one rat was on a wheel and was. just given you know like the free reign.

to just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat. This was rat A. Rat B was connected to that wheel. He. was on another wheel that was connected. to rat A's wheel. And any time rat A. chose to run, rat B had to run. Right? So both doing the same amount of. exercising, but at the end of the. experiment, rat A shows all the positive. markers of exercise and rat B shows all.

the negative markers of stress. Oh wow. same amount of exercise. What's the. difference? Well, rat A chose to run. Rat B didn't. And there there's. something profound about that to me. because if we can take a situation that. we didn't choose. Who would choose to be. heartbroken, right? It's the worst. It's. a terrible pain. But but what if in that. pain you did realize like there is. something here that I'm going to gain.

from this experience? M that I couldn't. have any other way that if I look on. that menu of pain, this one has some. really good benefits. Like this one has. some really amazing stuff. Who I'm going. to have to become to get through this. What I'm going to have to learn, the way. I'm going to have to get comfort even. just to get through a. weekend right now on my own is is going. to be this unbelievable feat. and to get.

comfortable in my own company and to sit. in this pain. And it there are such. profound benefits from that. What if I. did actually look at those benefits and. say they're so. powerful that I'm going to choose this. pain so that I can experience those. benefits? And so you you turn yourself. from rat B to rat A. And all of a. sudden, you're not a victim of that pain. anymore. you're you're the. beneficiary of these exquisite gifts.

that you could only get this way. And. that that's only that's one tool I've. used to get through some of the worst. worst pain of my life. And then on a. pract on a psychological level with. heartbreak, what I always remind people. is that if anyone who doesn't choose you. cannot be for you. they if they don't. see you like what is a relationship? It's someone sees you, they accept you.

and they want. that. That's that's the most beautiful. part of a relationship. So if someone. doesn't see you and accept you and want. what they see, then this relationship is. missing the most beautiful part of any. relationship. It it shouldn't even be. you know it shouldn't be desirable at. that stage because it's not it has. failed the fundamental test of what. makes a relationship worth having. We're. not talking about a person who you know. in in at least the case I feel we're.

talking about the person who was taken. from us by life. We're talking about a. person who's just walking around. somewhere still existing on the planet. but choosing not to be with us. that should lose its romance to. us, you know, and and to say, well, if. that's the other game we play is if it. was a different time in life, if they. were a bit older, they would have been. ready to commit. If they had been in a. different phase where they weren't so.

busy with their work, they might have. had the space to really give to this. relationship, but they said their work. isn't allowing them to. If it is like we. go through all these scenarios where it. it forces us into this sad love song of. right person, wrong time. and that's a really like penicious. story. Are you that's a very dangerous. story because it it takes what belongs. in the realm of science.

fiction and brings it into our reality. Like it when we're thinking about an ex. from like five years ago and we're like. I miss them. I don't know what you're. like. You don't even know who they are. anymore. That was five years ago. They're a different person now in many. ways. You're a different person now in. any way. If you got together now, you'd. be getting together as different people. You miss a ghost. Person doesn't exist. anymore in the way that you think they. do. You know, and when you're saying, "Oh, if only we met five years from now,

it would have worked." In what parallel. universe? It's a this is science fiction. like it's not it didn't happen in this. universe. So it's it's like it is. wishing for a parallel universe where. everything all the dominoes unfolded in. a different way. It's not this universe. So, we just we have to get out of this. mindset because it gets us bought. into a a science fiction story that.

doesn't really exist. I don't believe in. the right person at the wrong time. It's. the right person is right in their. personality. They're. ready and their life is compatible with. yours. If you're missing one of those. three things, then it's not the right. person. The right person has to be more. than someone who you have a great time. with and you like who they are and have. great conversation and and and great. intimacy. That can't that's not the only.

criteria for someone who's right. So, we. have to stop telling oursel the story. that someone who, you know, broke up. with us or it was bad timing or whatever. is the right person for us. That is a. that is just a story. It is not. reality. The right person is the person. it happens with. I'm sure you've thought. about this before. We all have this. feeling. Did I meet the right person at. the wrong time or did I meet the wrong. person at the right time? And we can. kind of get lost in that phase. This.

next clip from Stefan Speaks is for you. if you're one of those people who's. wondering, "Ah, did I just lose the. right person for me? Did I just let go. of the person who I was meant to spend. my life with? Did I just make a mistake. and lose the right person and meet them. at the wrong time? This clip is going to. help you make sense of that. What he's. also going to talk about is the impact.

it has on us when our partner no longer. wants to communicate with us. Maybe. you're in a relationship where your. partner doesn't like to have difficult. conversations. Maybe they don't like to. talk about emotions. Maybe they don't. have the capacity to go to that depth. with you. And if they're getting. everything else right, maybe it's. possible. But if you're starting to feel. this weakening the relationship, Stefan. speaks really clearly on how to make a. decision. So if you're stuck in that.

point, this clip's really going to help. you as well. And if you're someone who. feels like you keep making the same. mistakes, maybe you keep picking the. same person, just someone that looks. different, maybe you keep being too. needy or too wanting or too demanding, or maybe you always end up trying to fix. their problems and solve their life. If. you found a recurring pattern in your. relationship and you want to know how to. interrupt it and break it, this clip's.

for you. Take a listen. Letting go. doesn't always mean it can't work out. later. It's just that it cannot work out. under these circumstances. All right? Cuz some people say, "Well, I feel like. they're the one." Okay, maybe they are, but maybe the time is not right. And. it's letting go that will allow you both. to do what needs to be done in your own. personal lives that will allow you two. to come back together and have something. way more amazing. So, that's number one. thing to consider. But outside of that,

it's when one, if that person is. unwilling to put in the work necessary, it's time to go. There's like so many. times I I'll I'll have a video go up. about communication and someone will. comment saying, "I've tried talking to. him and he doesn't want to talk to me.". And in my head, I'm like, "But why are. you still with them?" If he refuses to. talk to you, you've already tried. There's nothing else to do. But people. will let it linger on and continue why. they con why they consistently complain. or unhappy about this specific issue.

It's not going to magically get better. They're not going to just change it just. cuz all of a sudden they see, oh, it. needs to change. No. If they're fighting. it now, they have no reason to change. it. And what people have to understand, you know, especially with this whole. trying to fix people up, healing and. facing your traumas is one of the. hardest things for people to do. So, if. they already have you in their life, they're essentially getting the. incentive or the benefit of relationship. without having to do the deeper work. It's almost like if I'm at a job and the.

job says you need to have a master's. degree to work here, but we're going to. hire you anyway and give you time to get. that master's degree. If getting that. degree is super hard to you, you're. going to drag that out as long as. possible. You may never get the degree. until they fire you. when they fire you. and you realize, "Oh my gosh, did I if I. don't do this, I'll never get this. person back. I'll never get this. opportunity back." Now, they might go. and get it because it's very tough to. walk down the path of the healing.

process. So, if they're not willing to. work on it, you guys have already. discussed it. And I think that's a big. thing because there's a lot of. relationships that end and the couples. don't even know what the real issue was. So, the communication, they'll say, "Well, we talked about, no, you guys. argued. you guys lashed out. There. wasn't a clear communication as to what. the problem was, what is expected, how. do we go about this? If you've done. that, and I believe one of the most. effective ways to do that is through a. letter. Cuz I feel like verbal.

communication of deep issues and. concerns, they typically don't go well. You know, people get distracted, they. forget what they want to say, the other. person gets defensive, they're not. they're listening to rebuttal not to. understand. But when there's a letter. involved, it gives you time to get. everything out. You can you can evaluate. your tone, leave no stone unturned, and. now they have an opportunity to process. it on their time to really take it in. And then you guys can come together and. discuss the letter. And now it's so much.

easier to stay on point and get. everything covered. If we've done that. and they're still unwilling or there's. still no progress, it's time to go. Yeah, that's great. That's great advice. And I for me that's the biggest one. It's like you can't make something last. if only one person's working on it. You. can't keep hoping and waiting and. wishing and and like you said that. ending doesn't mean forever. And often I.

found that two people need to grow. individually to be able to grow. collectively. And we're forcing growing. together so hard, but we need space to. grow. And if you can't grow together, chances are you need to grow apart in. order to see whether you grow together. again or grow for someone else. And all. of those options are okay. But we put so. much pressure on people to grow together. that they grow apart. Yeah. And.

actually, if they chose to grow apart. and grow separately, they could come. back together if they learned the. lessons. And I think that's a mistake, too, that sometimes people think, I'm. going to go learn this lesson for this. person. I meet a lot of people, they're. like, okay, they broke up with me. because I wasn't XYZ, now I'm going to. go become XYZ to win them back. Yeah. And I always find I'm just like, well, no, you should go become XYZ if you. think you are missing XYZ, but not to.

win them back because you don't know. what they're going to do. What's your. take on people trying to win people. back? So, I 100% agree with you. Like, if we're trying to learn or grow, it. needs to be for the benefit of who we. are and just whoever we deal with. So, it's almost like if I was a bad. communicator in this relationship, I. shouldn't learn to better communicate. for that person. I need to better. communicate for whoever I'm going to be. with. If you can't see it in that light, then maybe you're looking at the wrong. thing. My thing is this. I think it all.

depends on what the details of the. situation was. What led to the breakup? What were you overlooking? What was. missing? Are these fixable issues? Because a lot of people are trying to. win back someone where the issues are. not resolved. So, it's like, what's the. point of going back? We're just going to. go in the same cycle all over again. They're letting this idea of I miss. them. I don't want to be without them. blind them from the fact that you two. did not get along well or you two don't. want the same things or you you two just. whatever it is, maybe there's a lack of.

sexual satisfaction. I don't know why I. felt the need to mention that, but. that's it happens a lot of times. You. have to stay focused on what led to the. end and can this be corrected? If it. can, cool. But as you mentioned, correcting it does not guarantee you. they're coming back. And even if they. will come back, you don't know when they. may need. So, you may have figured. yourself out in 6 months, they might.

need a year. And I would argue if you. guys are truly meant for each other and. they needed a year, you need a year, too. You're just overlooking some things. and you're rushing the process because. you want to get back to them. Yeah. It's. I've never found a situation where it. was truly only one person who had. problems and the other person was. squeaky clean. No, no, no, no. You. thought you were, but you had some stuff. too you needed to correct, of course. So. I think we have to be honest with. ourselves and just keep striving to be. better and rather than focus on winning.

them back. Just become the best you. because if you do and there's a true. connection there, the opportunity will. present itself again and you two will be. able to make something of it. And the. struggle is that when people finally. make that decision to break up or let. go, the studies show that the parts of. your brain that are activated in a. breakup are the same as detoxing from. cocaine, right? Like you're literally.

trying to detox. So you can have a. craving for someone that's bad for you. Yeah. Or also it says that the areas of. the brain that are activated in a. breakup are the areas that are the same. with physical pain. So if someone like. punch you in the stomach, the reason why. we say like my heart feels broken is. because it literally feels like. something's broken. Yeah. So when you're. going through a breakup, when you're. feeling the craving to be with that. person again, studies show that 80 over. 80% of people are looking at what their. exes are doing on social media, right?

probably through a Finster account or. whatever, but you have to you have to. know what are some of the healthiest. tips that you've given to people and the. people that you've worked with that have. genuinely helped people move through a. breakup. The first thing is to ask. yourself again, why was I even there? Why am I holding on to this individual? Again, I think sometimes we get so. blinded by just the experience or our. desire to have this person for whatever. reason that we overlook what was really.

missing or why this could not work. Anyway, what you'll also find is, and. I'm sure there's probably a study on it, where if you if they broke up with you, you ever see a situation, it happens on. TV a lot, where the person can be like, "Okay, I'm going to break up with my. partner." They're planning on it. They've been practicing in their head, right? It took them a couple weeks to. muster up the strength. They're about to. do it and then the partner breaks up. with them. Now it's oh my gosh, I got to. get them back. Yeah. So, it's like you. just forgot this whole time that was. your plan. They just gave you the past.

to do it, but now because we don't like. to be the one being let go of now, we're. fighting hard to get it back. Yeah. So, we have to really not fall into these. little traps that happen to us as human. beings. our brains just playing tricks. on us or something where we confuse. these emotions for oh my gosh I must. really love them or even like you said. you go into that detox and because you. miss I always tell people no matter how. bad the relationship was there's always. good moments so if you're trying to.

break free you can't just let your brain. focus on the good moments you have to. remind yourself why this doesn't work. but if you keep focusing on the good you. start to make yourself think oh because. I missed this good moment moment, I must. miss them. And there's this quote that. says, "Sometimes you're not missing the. person, you're missing the feeling." So, you've got to be able to differentiate. those two things. So, getting back to. how we get over these breakups is. recognizing why were we really there to. begin with? You know, could this.

actually work? The next thing is, you. know, I'm I'm a huge believer that a lot. of times a breakup is a blessing in. disguise. Even if there is a chance that. you two can work together or this is the. one for you, you may have needed this. time to re-evaluate and get things in. order. Something is obviously wrong. Even if you it it may be something as. deep as cuz I've seen situations where. everything was going amazingly well on. the surface and the person broke up with.

them. Let's say the woman lets go of the. man. So to the man that's really. confusing. But what it was is that that. woman, she had not healed from her past. relationships. And this relationship. being so good was scaring her. And what. happens is the the better you are, the. scarier it becomes for her. She's. looking for something to be wrong. She. has to validate her fear somehow. When. she can't find it, she'll either. sabotage the relationship or she'll run. from it. So to that man, it may seem. like this is so unfair, which yeah, it.

sucks. But if this woman didn't break up. with you now, you were inevitably going. to face this same ending, but at a worse. time. Yeah. All right. This is still. best that it's happening now. At least. if she can go do what she needs to do, there's a chance for this to come back. around later. But it's hard for us to. see it in the moment. So, I think just. really we also have to focus on our. healing. Whenever a breakup happens, the. mistake we make is that we think it's. about healing from the breakup. No, it's.

healing from everything you've been. through. You've probably been sweeping. under the rug your childhood trauma for. years, maybe the last two, three. relationships, whatever it is. So, and. and not healing from those things is. contributing to your struggle to get. past this breakup and contributing to. why you even chose this person to begin. with. I'm a huge believer that if you. haven't healed, you are 90% likely to. choose the wrong person. Yeah. It's just. too difficult to pick that person that.

you truly love and can truly love you. and accept that level of vulnerability. when you have still not resolved your. past traumas and past hurts. Yeah. So to. me that's the next big thing is just. focus on your healing process because in. that process you will also be able to. see more clearly if this is really for. you or not. Like walking around unhealed. is like walking around with broken. glasses. you you can't see straight no. matter how hard you try but healing will. clear up your vision really really fast.

and now it'll be like oh wait a minute I. didn't belong there you know thank god. the broke breakup happened you know now. I'm in a better place I move forward so. to me I think and I would say in. addition to those things is just have an. accountability partner whether that's. friend coach therapist someone that can. help keep you in check help remind you. what you need to do someone that you. know you have to talk to and update. what's going on so that you feel like. okay I don't want to come back to them.

saying I'm doing the same thing over and. over again. It doesn't guarantee success. but it helps it helps move the needle. some. So I would highly encourage that. that one mindset you spoke about there. that changes everything and it hit me. today. I was just. thinking if we were just able in a. moment to recognize that something. painful now was going to be good for us. in 5 years time. That would change so.

many things in our life. Yes. But we're. so poor at dealing with current pain. Yeah. Even if it means future joy that. we just can't accept that I have to go. through this. It's like in everything, right? Like knowing that someone. breaking up with you just saved you 10. years of a wasted life is so much more. than knowing you're going to have to go. through a few months of pain. And 10. months of pain, maybe it's a bit longer. Maybe it's 2, three years. But we just.

have to get our head around that. That. sometimes the best things that happen to. you are protecting more of your life. than the pain that they're causing. You. need the peace of knowing I did what I. needed to do. That's it. Yeah. Cuz. anytime you feel like, well, maybe I. could have done this, but I could have. done. That leaves the door open for. doubt. Exactly. So, it's like, and. that's why I'm such a big believer in, you know, there's people who say, well, once they're done, they're done. They'll. just move on. And I'm like, no, no, no. Express yourself. Get everything off.

your chest because you don't need. anything to linger and you questioning, well, what if I did this different? No. Make sure speak your full peace. And now. you can say, all right, I did what I had. to do. It is what it is. I move forward. And I mean, it makes it easier. It may. not make it 100%, you know, not an issue. whatsoever, but it's going to be easier. And I'll say also for me, that's why. like my relationship with God is so. important because that's where I find my. peace in dealing with a situation that. doesn't work out the way I want to. I.

always tell myself, okay, if this isn't. working out, God has something better. for me. you know, if this is happening. right now, there's a purpose because I. know if I followed his guidance. throughout this process, then there's no. need for me to question why is this the. current outcome. There's a reason for. this and I've been through these things. enough times to see, as you mentioned, the reward is going to come. It may come. next week. It may come years from now. It will come and I'll be able to see how. it all connected. Now, be honest with. me. How many of you have gone through a.

breakup and then just started craving. your ex where you're now looking at. their social media profiles, you're. looking at old text messages, you're. talking to your friends who know that. person and trying to find out what. they're up to. It can drive us crazy. because breakups can actually make you. crave your ex like an addiction. That's. what our next guest, New York Times. best-selling author Esther Pel and. relationship therapist for decades talks. about in this clip. We also learn about.

how a lot of the challenges that we face. in our relationship, a lot of the. conflicts actually come from our own. fears. If you find yourself always being. insecure in a relationship, if you're. always second-guessing that person's. intentions, if you're always questioning. whether they're truly emotionally. available or really care for you or. really there for you, this clip is for. you. I've seen research that shows how. when someone breaks up with you or when.

you break up with. someone, you almost crave them like we. crave an addiction that may even be. unhealthy for us at times. Why do you. use the word grief? And can you walk us. through both of those losses of identity. that you spoke about on either end? So. grief is because I think every choice. comes with loss. The consequence is the. choice you didn't make. And even though. you think this is the right choice and. this is what I must do, the grief may be. the fact that you didn't you were not.

capable of making this thing work or. that you had such high hopes and it. didn't materialize or that you have. wished that you didn't make some. mistakes that you made or that you wish. you had left sooner. There's lots of. dangerous ways but there is no choice. that doesn't have loss and therefore. some grief attached to it and that is. the nature of the beast. That does not. mean that you didn't make the right. choice. In terms of heartbreak, it's a. different part. Yes, some people. experience heartbreak with such an ache.

with such a sense of longing and such a. sense of fracturing on the inside that. they are that their longing becomes. obsessive that they are trapped in. rumination and that it experienced like. a withdrawal. That is not all breakups, but that is. the extreme kind of breakup which has. been compared to an addiction because of. the intense sense of withdrawal and. because it takes place in the same. centers in the brain. And you talked.

about there how you know trying to. change the other. person isn't necessarily the focus. But. for so many of us that seems to be the. problem. The problem seems to be the. other person's behaviors, their. attitude, their approach to life, maybe. their aspirations. I hear a lot of. people say things like they don't dream. enough. They don't dream. They dream too. little. Right. Like too much. Right. That's it. Yeah. I hear some people say. they they don't dream enough. They dream.

too much. I hear people say, "Oh, they. have too many friends. They have no. friends." Right. I see people at both. ends of the spectrum. We always seem to. have issues with how our partners live. And what I've learned, at least in my. own personal reflection, and I found is. that for a long time in my. relationships, I often projected the way. I lived onto my partner. And I we so. strongly believe that the way we live is. right, the way we were brought up is.

right, that we want our partner to kind. of follow suit. And I always give this. very small example from my own home, but. in my house we used to eat, hang out, and then at the end of the night, we'd. wash the dishes. In my wife's home, they. used to eat, wash the dishes, and then. hang out. And so when we got married and. we started living together, and when we. were having friends over or whatever it. may be, in my mind, we're going to eat, we're going to hang out, and then we're. going to wash the dishes. And in my. wife's mind, she's thinking, "We're.

going to eat now. We have to clean up, make sure everything's clean, and then. we can hang out." And something as. little as that can cause so much. friction friction and bad communication. and feelings of oh you don't care about. me and you don't love me and you don't. appreciate me or you don't value the. work and there's so much that comes from. something and that's just a very small. example but it's interesting to me that. in that scenario we both had not created. a new belief system for our relationship. but were operating based on two old.

belief systems that we'd simply. adopted. Uh walk us through whether you. agree, whether you disagree, whether you. can edit that, reveal more to us about I. find so many of our challenges exist. because we project our operating system. onto someone else rather than creating. one with them. I like the way you call. it the operating system. So I'm going to. take a sentence that you highlighted and. start from there. You said here we were. fighting about what's the right moment. to do the dishes, but in fact it what we.

were talking about is you don't care. You don't see me. You don't appreciate. me. You want it your way. And what. you're highlighting here is something. that I've actually talked a lot about in. a new course that I'm doing on conflict, which is exactly that. How do you turn. conflict into connection? And one of the. things I say is that it's not what you. fight about, it's what you fight for. You were fighting for recognition. You. were fighting for power and control. You.

were fighting for respect. You were. fighting for trust and closeness. Underneath the fight, there are usually. three sets of issues that we are. actually fighting for. And that is. power, trust, and value. So you don't value me. You know I worked. on this dish on this cooking I made this. nice meal I prepared I tried to be kind. to your friends and you don't value me. once you've understood that what is the. hidden dimension that you are actually.

fighting for the fight the dishes the. when to do them becomes a lot more clear. a lot more clear rather than it's not. just I'm imposing my belief on you and I. want it to do my way because my way is. the right way that's you may think this. way. But the question is what happens. when you have to confront yourself with. someone who is different. I mean. everything about relationships is about. straddling sameness and difference you. know and when you are a couple's.

therapist it's very typical that people. come to you and they're like a drop off. center right they tell you you know here. my relationship here's my partner let me. tell you what's wrong with them and. maybe you can fix them and I'll help. you I'll be your ad aunt you know on how. to make my partner understand why my. family's way of doing things is the best. way of doing things. It's a very good. way. And so then the question is if you. have to change your mind, does that mean. that it's a loss of your identity or can.

you actually experience that as an. expansion as something that you let in? How do you let the other person. influence you without being constantly. in a defense of your, you know, this is. my flag and here are my values or my. operation system? Yeah, I I I really. really relate to what you're saying and. I love how you've broken it down to what. we're fighting for versus what we're. fighting about. I think that's. brilliant. And that's from your master. class, right? No, this is from my own. new course. Oh, this is.

from coming out with very soon. And that. is really about letting people have a. very different view and set of skills. for handling conflict like this one. You. know, at first it was a nice thing. You. didn't fight about you just said we do. it. Oh, that's so interesting. No, let's. do it now. No, let's And then slowly. because you couldn't come into an. unified agreement, it became a point of. contention. And then that point of. contention became the go-to every time. you need to talk about your backgrounds,

your values, your style, your. priorities, your way of doing. I think. we feel so robbed or at least when I. speak to people about this they feel so. robbed as you said of their identity but. also as you said people feel robbed of. their power that if I give in to this. other person my partner may be the more. powerful one in the relationship or if I. concede then in the future when we're. making decisions they're going to think. I'm going to concede and often that is.

the case that people get into. relationships because they think the. other person is submissive or conceding. to them or agrees with them on. everything they say and then one one day. that person goes wait a minute I didn't. realize I just gave up everything I care. about for you and so how does one learn. how to practice that humility and giving. up of power or is the solution a unified. agreement as you called it just there. what are we what are we trying to. unravel how do we do that because I.

think that but you just betrayed. yourself in the question. Okay. Your. whole question is framed in power terms. Concede, acquies, give in, loss of self, loss of power. Yes, some people feel this way. That is. one frame for some people to enter into. a relationship. But if I actually change. the word power, I could go like this. In. every relationship, you will find that.

there often is one person who is more. afraid of losing the other and one. person who is more afraid of losing. themselves. Mhm. One person more afraid. of abandonment and rejection, therefore. more likely to acquies, to pacify, to. plate, to say yes until maybe one day. not. and one person more afraid of. suffocation and therefore they fight for. their ideas, their ways of doing it, the. timing of the dishes and that is less.

about power. That is more about the. nature of connection. The majority of. power struggles in a relationship are. not power struggles. Power is the. defense. The control battle is the way. people are defending trying to get. something for something else that they. are worried about. M it's the surface. behavior. You know, some people when. they're afraid, they fight. But the. issue is not fighting. The issue is that. they're actually afraid and they're. trying to deal with their fear by. gaining control.

So don't just go for what you see. because what you see isn't necessarily. just what it is. Go always looking a. level below. Otherwise, you're going to. have a lot of this. Yeah. Now the most. painful thing that we all feel when we. go through a breakup is that we don't. even lose faith in that person, we start. to lose faith in love. And especially we. start to feel not only do they not love. us, we start to question whether we're.

worthy of love. We feel unlovable. We. feel like will I ever meet someone? Maybe you're thinking this right now. Will I ever meet someone who loved me. again? First of all, they didn't even. love you. But we think, will someone. ever love me again? We ask ourselves the. question, maybe you're thinking of this. right now, like, will I ever meet. someone who will commit to me, who will. be loyal to me, who will actually be. with me? If you're asking some of those. questions, this next clip from Mel. Robbins is going to really resonate with.

you because she talks about how to go. through a breakup in a really practical. way. Should you contact them? Should you. try and make them jealous? all those. emotions and feelings we go through. If. you listen to this next clip, it's going. to help you make the right. decisions. Take a look. When somebody. leaves that you love, you think you're. unlovable. You actually think you're. never going to find it again. You hate. yourself. That's why most of the advice.

about this is complete. Go love yourself. How the hell. am I going to go love myself when the. person I love more than anything just. left me? I hate myself. I despise. myself. I am terrified of the day that. they're going to meet somebody, I'm. never going to find that again. I'm. never going to have sex like that again. I'm not like you hate yourself. And so telling somebody to just go on a. revenge diet or you got to love. yourself, it's horrible. Instead, I want.

you to face reality. They left. Let. them. and then let me grieve and follow. my therapist Ann Davin's advice. You. have to do a 30-day detox. And if you. are somebody that's been holding on to. somebody that left a year ago, I. guarantee you, you have not gone 30 days. without listening to a voice memo or. looking at a photo. You are keeping them. alive, which is keeping you trapped in. something that's. dead. and your inability to let them go.

and let them leave and then let me. accept reality and start moving forward. and let me believe that the person that. I am meant to meet, they are in the. future. They're not in my past. And by. the way, even if you kind of hold out. secretly hope it might be the person. from the past. It might be, but they're. not the version from back there. And. neither are you. and neither are you. And so you have to again come back to.

where the power is. It's not in getting. them back. It's not in making them. jealous. Because if you focus on making. that person jealous or blah blah blah, where are you putting your power then? And something you can't control. Mhm. You have to put your power here. And the. reason why I love the 30-day rule and. the 11we mark is because it's the truth. This is going to. suck. The only way to get over someone. and to go through heartbreak is to go. through it. There's no avoiding it. There's only delaying it. And we delay.

it. Mhm. Because we don't want to accept. people as they are. Yeah. When somebody. breaks up and leaves or cheats on you, they have just revealed who they are. For sure. and your inability to accept. it instead of explaining it away and. living in a fantasy up here. That's. what's keeping you from having and. creating the love you actually deserve. and want in your life. I was talking to. a friend recently and this everything. you're saying is just so true and it's. it's resonating so strongly to me. I was.

talking to a friend recently and she was. saying to me, I wish my friend would. just be honest with me. I wish this. person who's just screwed me over, just. let me down, would just be honest with. me rather than pretending to be my. friend. And I said to them, they are. being honest with you. Them lying is. showing you their truth. That's how much. they value you. Them pretending to be. your friend is their truth. You don't.

want the truth. Actually, you want them. to lie to you and you want them to be. someone else. You want them to become. the honest person, but they're showing. you that they're not an honest person. That is the truth. It's true. And here's. the other thing. Why are you pretending. to be this person's friend and not. bringing it up? Why is it on them to. tell you the truth? Yeah. Let them lie. to you and then come to the let me part. Yeah. If aren't you pretending that. you're their friend if you haven't. brought this up? Mhm. And you're. actually holding that in your head,

right? Mhm. There are so many. applications of this thing. So many just. incredible. And the thing that I'm. really really excited about is that, you. know, the other massive thing that I. think this is going to help people with. is that one other way that you make. people a massive problem is that you see. somebody else's success or happiness or. the things that they achieve in their. life as somehow robbing you of yours.

Yeah. And the thing about life is that. you're never playing against people. You. play with them. And somebody else's. success, happiness, love, like the. things that they achieve, it's in. limitless supply. Mhm. And when you wrap. your brain around the fact that. happiness, love, money, like all of it, limitless supply. So other people can't. block your way. They actually lead the. way. And so if you let them lead the way. and you see their wins not as your. losses, but you see it as an example to.

follow, you now stop making other people. a problem and you stop using them as an. excuse for why you can't do what you're. capable of. Other people don't block. you, you block your way. Allow people to. lead the way. And the way that you do. that is you say, "Let them be. successful. Let them get married. Let. them have the baby. let them have the. nice car because they're showing me. what's possible. And the cool thing. about really embracing let them in that.

regard is that other people also show. you the formula, right? Yeah. Absolutely. They show you exactly how to. do something 100%. But if you're so busy. going, "Oh, well, Jay launched a podcast. and there's too many podcasts. Now I. can't launch. podcasts." Who's blocking you? You. Correct. You're capable of learning to. be a better player in the game of life. from other people. Yes. So, stop playing. against them. Yeah. And let them show.

you the way. I speak to so many people. every week who are going through. breakups. And I'm so glad that you found. this episode of the podcast because it's. one of those things where you take two. steps forward and then you're three. steps back. And it often feels like this. back and forth feeling of, "Have I. healed? Have I recovered? Oh no, I'm. right back there now." And I want you to. know that at On Purpose, we're dedicated. to trying to help you through that.

healing journey. As long as you're. healing, you're moving in the right. direction. Sometimes you're going to. feel like you're completely missing them. again. And sometimes you're going to. feel like you're ready to move on. And. the goal is to surround yourself with. the right insights, the right wisdom, to. keep focusing on your own growth. Because here's what I've realized. The. pain doesn't go away. It just gets. easier to carry. It just gets easier to. deal with. As you build confidence, as. you build strength, you start to realize.

that what you went through actually. helped you find deeper, more meaningful. love. And from the people who I've known. that have gone through breakups and. found long-term relationships that. they're happy in, they all look back and. now feel grateful for that experience. because it helped them quickly decipher. who was right for them and who wasn't, who was around for a season but not for. the rest of their life. Thanks so much. for listening. If you love this episode,

you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabbor. mate on understanding your trauma and. how to heal emotional wounds to start. moving on from the past. Everything in. nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't grow where it's hard. and thick, does it? It goes with soft. and green and vulnerable.