4 Parenting Experts Share Their Top Parenting Advice (Compilation Episode)

The number one health and wellness. podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The. one, the only Jay Shetty. Studies show that a child's emotional. intelligence and resilience is strongly. shaped by their parents' approach to. discipline and communication. But with. so much parenting advice out there, it. can be hard to know what really works. We're judged in many roles in our lives, but it seems we're judged the most in. our roles as parents. There's no.

handbook to parenting yet. We're. expected to never make any mistakes. Parenting is fulfilling, but. challenging. Every stage comes with new. lessons. Today's guests bring different. perspectives, psychologists, experienced. parents, and public figures balancing. family with busy careers. Let's start. with one of the biggest parenting. struggles, discipline. Discipline is. about teaching, not punishing. It's so. important that we know how to set.

boundaries in a way that builds. confidence, not fear. It's important. that we create a safe, supportive. environment where kids can learn from. mistakes. Dr. Aliza Pressman will be. talking about how discipline is about. teaching, not punishing. I feel like. discipline is so controversial, um, but I think of it as all feelings. are welcome, all behaviors are not. So, if I had to sum it up, and I think we do. think of discipline as punishment versus.

teaching, and it's teaching. Because it. actually influences your growth and. development. It's not just for my. entertainment. Then your kids trust you. a little bit more, and the relationship. is stronger. But I think the key with discipline is. not being afraid. of how our kids react to it, and having. the strength of purpose and belief that. if they do have a negative reaction to. it, we can love them all the way through. it, but we're not going to change our. minds about it. Cuz that's where it gets.

messy is that if we're talking all about. how important the relationship is, and. then you have this. limit that you set. Like this is my expectation of you, and. your child doesn't like it. This simply. like I, you know, I take the phone away. at night or the iPad or whatever. And your child is freaking out about it, then you go, "Well, now I've messed with the. relationship, and so I guess they. should, they're crying, and I need to. like get back in there. So, okay, I'll. give you more time." Or whatever it is.

And that's where we get confused. I. think if parents really understood that. feelings aren't dangerous, that kids. aren't going to say thank you for the. boundaries and limits that we set, and. that we set them with the intention of. physical and emotional safety. About not. just them, but other people. Like we're. not just raising kids in a vacuum. They. have to move through the world and think. about community and other humans. And. so, what's comfortable for them might. not be thoughtful to other people. And.

so, it's that balance between. be there for yourself, but also not to. the extent that you can't, you know, that you're entitled and don't respect. that there are other people in the. world. I mean, there's three kind of. parenting styles outside of neglectful, which is not, you know, that's a whole. other thing. But there's like the. permissive, which is best friend. parenting, and it is so sensitive, they. do like you, and you can play as many. video games as you want, and all that's. great. Except for it, you have no. nobody's steering the ship. And so, it.

actually can lead to anxiety and. depression and a sense that you are too. responsible for things. And the other. side of it is authoritarian, where it's. fear-based, and it's just rules, and. it's just because I said so, but without. the like, "I know you really love doing. this, and I wouldn't stop you from doing. it if I didn't know that it was better. for your brain." Or whatever. So that's the middle path of like. authoritative where you're sensitive, but you stick with your limits and. boundaries because you know that that's.

going to benefit your kids even when you. have limits and rules. You want your kids to know as you're. describing your mom that they have you. So, if you do mess up, Yeah. you can still go to them. Totally. Instead of being terrified. And so. that's this weird thing where it's like. here are my expectations. Also, I want. to. name the fact that you're going to blow. it sometimes. And I want to be the. person you come to. Yeah. And that's. something to say not when they're.

struggling. And I think part of the. reason why it's hard to get kids to open. up is cuz we try to get in there when. they're in the center of the struggle. Yes. instead of like building the. vocabulary and connection outside of it. So you have the conversations. and you give the language. when nobody's in the heat of the moment. So that when the heat of the moment. comes, they already know. that they can come to you. And you can. just say to them, I can tell something's. going on. I'm here whenever or if ever. Mhm. And.

then just leave space. A lot of times doing something with a. kid who's not opening up, like. going for a drive even so they're not. looking at each other. And you know, I can't think of any sport. right now cuz I'm not super sporty, but. you know, like. playing I'm like, what is it called when. one does a game with someone? Pickleball. Thank you. Tennis, yeah. go play pickleball. Yeah. You're playing pickleball, it's. going to come up. But you want to just.

like. put little tiny moments where you say, I'm askable, I'm tellable, and I'm not. going to say anything. And one of the. things that helps is that when your kids. do tell you something, you say thank you for telling me. Before. you have any other reaction. And. that may be your only reaction. And then. you give them a little space. And then. you say, is there anything I can do? With younger kids, you want to be This.

is going to sound ridiculous if you. don't think about animals this way, but. I do. So, tell me if it resonates. But. you kind of want to be a dog. You're. wagging your tail when you're excited to. see them. You're always there and you're. like really enthusiastic. And they need. that. But then, as they get older, imagine your 11 to 25-year-old self, you. need to be a cat. So, you're like a little You're there. You're always around. You're not You might You're touching. their feet.

Like you're not overly on top of them. But if. they're interested, they can come to. you. But you're not going anywhere. So, it's. like it's this safe thing where you're. there for them, but it's it's not so. intense. And then they have the opportunity to. open up a little bit. And when they do, you don't pounce like. a dog. You stay a cat who's like. welcoming the information, but not, you. know, saying, "Oh my god." And then, you know, cuz you don't want your kids to think.

you can't handle my truth. So, I'm not. You're not the person to tell. Yeah, and. I feel that's the hardest time to be the. cat because you're scared about them. getting involved in the worst stuff. Like whether it's drugs or um you know, addiction to social media or getting. involved in the wrong circles. Like. that's the age at which it's going to. happen. Yeah, it's terrifying. Yeah, it's. terrifying. So, then that And they're. getting a driver's license. They can. drink now, you know, as you know, as. they get older. It's like it's almost. like those are the times where you want. to be more.

hands-on. And you are fit That's why I. say you're physically present. Like. I think toddlers and teenagers need you. more present than anybody. But we think. the teenagers are like off on their own. and whatever, but you're home. Like if. they're going to a party, you're home to greet them and look into. their eyes. So you don't need to ask if. they've been drinking cuz you will know. when you hug them and look in their. eyes. And you can have a conversation in. a different kind of way than if you're.

sort of like, "I'm out, you're out. I. You're older. You You know, take an. Uber. Don't drive drunk. I'll see you. tomorrow." So I think your presence is. important, but the. the the sense that you're like kind of. all over them verbally has You have to. pull back a little bit. And it's. terrifying, but if you've cultivated the. relationship and you've set the. expectations from, you know, about. substances and social media and. whatever,

it's easier. But when something's really bothering. them, what they need is to know that. they don't have to explain it and they. can just come to you and be sad. Mhm. Attachment relationships are dynamic. So. you aren't just like It used to be we. used to think like you're either, you. know, you have a baby, you. develop the secure attachment, it's like. a bond, and that's it. But we know now. it's dynamic. And so if you have a. 5-year-old or a 16-year-old or a. 35-year-old, you can still grow that.

healthy attachment relationship. So you. can change. Our job is not to fix, it's. to be there. And that's what secure. attachment is. Even in your adult. relationships, it's like who can sit. with me through all of these. experiences, through these feelings? Because the idea of being happy isn't. really about always being happy, it's. about knowing you can come back from. whatever it is that you're going through.

and you will be happy again. And if our. kids experience the range of things that. come their way, and they know that they. have someone sort of sitting by their. side, they end up in this relationship that is. securely attached, and it's not like. one-and-done. And if it didn't, you. know, that's the thing that I think is. the trickiest is feeling like I'm. responsible for my child's constant. happiness. I have to feel ashamed if I wasn't there.

for every moment or if I couldn't fix. that feeling, which. you can't, as you know. And I think sometimes people feel like. they're maybe better or worse at. different stages. Mhm. And so there's, you know, like this assumption that. we're going to kind of know what to do. Like the idea that you do come home from. the hospital and you're just like. okay, I guess. I just feel like in adulthood this. happens all the time. Like I remember. just the first time I was, you know, in. my 20s and I had my own apartment and I.

was like, wait, I can. just decide what I'm doing. I can open a. bottle of wine. Like there were things. that I still was like, I'm going to it's. bizarre. And now like that I'm the last, you know, person in charge of whatever. and there's nobody that I'm supposed to. ask and I can make a decision. I'm still. kind of like. Mhm. is that okay? Yeah. And so the idea. that you're just like in charge of. raising a whole human being or more is. really. daunting. Mhm. And we all kind of think.

everybody else knows. Mhm. We don't know. The next clip is from Dr. Daniel Amen, who talks about the. importance of presence and emotional. connection. He talks about this special time. technique, which is the importance of 20. minutes a day of uninterrupted physical. time with children plus active. listening. He talks about the need to set firm. loving boundaries with consistent. follow-through.

and small intentional actions that make. a big difference in connection. If you. want to have influence with your. children, if you want them to seriously. consider your values, you have to be connected with them. What does that take? Time. Like actual physical time where you're. not on your phone, but you put the phone away and you spend. 20 minutes a day with a child. So, there's an exercise I talk about in the.

book that I love so much that. you know, all the things I've. recommended to my patients over the last. 45 years, when I decided to be a. psychiatrist 45 years ago, special time. It's magic. And. 20 minutes a day, do something with your. child child wants to do. that's reasonable you can do in 20. minutes, so it's like not take me to. Nordstrom's. And during that time, no. commands, no.

questions, no directions. It's just. time. to be together. And it's money in the relational bank. And I remember when I first figured this. out, my literary agent. uh. had a child later in life. We were. talking on the phone and he's like, "My. daughter Lara doesn't want to have. anything to do with me." And she's two. And he said, "That's like. a girl thing, right? A mother-daughter. thing. They don't want anything." I'm.

like, "No, Carl, you're ignoring her.". What? "What do you mean I'm ignoring?". I'm like, "You're ignoring her. Do. this.". And he said, "That won't work.". I'm like, "Oh, great. You represent an. idiot. My own literary agent won't do. what I say. Do it. In fact, I'm going to put you in. my schedule for 3 weeks. I'm going to. call you get the party started.". And so, 3 weeks go by. I call him up. Carl, Daniel, she won't leave me alone.

As soon as I walk in the door, she grabs. my leg and wants her time. All she wants. to do is be with me. I'm like, that's a problem? That's what we want, right? That's what. we're after. So, actual physical time. And now, parents are so busy, they're not spending this one-on-one. alone time listening. So, that's the. second part of it. So, time, actual. physical time,

and shut up. I mean, it's so important. So, you you. love them so much, you want to pour all. of your knowledge, all of your wisdom. that you worked your whole life on, and download it into their head. Don't. do that. Listen to them. And therapists learn. this technique called active listening, that whenever someone says something, you don't interrupt and tell them how to. think. You repeat it back.

And you listen for the feelings behind. the words. So, if my son came home and said, "Dad, I want to have blue hair.". I don't know what your father would have. said, but I know what mine would have. said. No way. No. As long as you live in. this house, you can't have blue hair. Yeah. But what does that do? It just stops the conversation or it. starts a fight. Active listening teaches. you, repeat back what you hear. Oh, you want to have blue hair? And then. be quiet long enough.

for them to like explain what's really. going on. And he might say, "All the kids are. wearing their hair blue.". Now, I've been to his school. I know not. everybody's blue-headed. And if I would have said that to my dad, I don't know what your dad would have. said. I don't care what anybody else is doing. As long as you live in this house, you're not going to have blue hair. If. they're going to jump off a bridge, are. you going with them? That one for sure. I've heard that. plenty of times. And.

what does it do? It stops the conversation or it starts a. fight. Sounds like you want to be like the. other kids. Completely different conversation, but. that's. and he might say, "Dad, you know, sometimes I feel like I don't fit in.". Now, my mother would have said, "What do. you mean you don't fit in? Of course you. fit in. You're a good boy. You're a. good-looking boy. You're a nice boy.". And that's not helpful, either. What she. says helpful is. "So, sometimes you feel like you don't.

fit in.". And then give it a breath. So, they're. the ones solving. their problem. Now, at the end of a half. an hour, he says, "I still want to have. blue hair." I'm going to tell him, "No. way in hell as long as you live in my. house because. it's not cool to look weird. I mean, if. you look weird, you're going to hang out. with weird people, right? It's okay to. have boundaries. around behavior. Some parents, they have. like no boundaries. And I think some boundaries are.

appropriate. What does loving discipline. look like? Because I think it's it. sounds good. Like we were like, "Yeah, I. would I would love to be disciplined, but I'd love to be loving." And often we. don't even figure out what that means in. the workplace, let alone with kids. We're either loving or disciplined. But. we're not. it should be both. What does it look. like? Well, you know, I haven't gotten. to rules. I I think families should have. them. Society has rules. Like tell the truth. Do what mom and dad say the first time.

I love that rule. Because do you know your chance of. abusing the child? If you tell a child. to do something five times, your chance. of abusing that child just went up. significantly. And so, if you have the expectation, they'll do things the first time. It's. like, "Caitlin, take you know, I want. you to take out the trash, like in the. next half hour.". And if she doesn't, it's like, "Sweetheart, you have a choice. You can take it out now.

or you can have this consequence and. then you can take it out. I don't care, it's up to you." And I love that part of. not being attached to it. I love her, I'm really clear, and she's getting that consequence if. she doesn't move. Stop. threatening them and then not following. through. Uh because you teach them. that you have to tell them and get angry. and be a bit crazy in order for them to. do what you ask them. to do. Mhm. And I I I like the rules and.

rhythms and routines. I remember in my. home. after dinner, me and my sister would. clean up and we had a little rotor of. who washed up that day and who cleaned. the table that day. And it was just. something that went around every day. We. take it in turns. And my sister was 4. years younger than me and we just do it. together and it became this thing that. we just did and it became natural. It. became a habit and it made us. accountable and responsible to each. other as well, as well as our parents. And it was a really neat way of kind of. giving us that rules and, you know, I.

think sometimes we think of rules as. like strict rules and guidelines, but. actually can be just a rhythm and a. routine. And. And it building competence and skill and. you're part of the family rather than. you're entitled Mhm. to live in that. family. Yeah, yeah. And the earlier you start, the the better it is. um for kids. I mean, it's it's hard if. you not spend any time with children by. the time they're 14, their friends are.

more important than you are. And that's. the heartbreaking thing I've learned is. if you're not spending time with them, their friends will take your place and. they may not have the. advice. They may not have the right ear. for you and it makes them more. vulnerable to all the scary stuff that's. on social media. You're about to hear. from Kim Kardashian and this is really.

about parenting in the public eye. Now, you may not have a life in the public. eye, but you may wonder what other. parents think about you. You may feel. judged about what family members think. about how you parent and we all feel. like we live in this bubble of people's. constant opinions, expectations, and. obligations of what a good parent should. look like. In this segment, you'll hear. about how Kim balances career, fame, and. raising grounded kids. She talks a lot.

about overcoming mom guilt and being. present with her kids even with a busy. schedule and a busy work life. I think. this is something a lot of you may be. able to relate to and connect with. She. also talks about the importance of open. communication in navigating tough. conversations. and she talks about how she creates a. sense of normalcy despite being in the. public eye and having such a big brand. Mom guilt is probably the hardest thing. I think that you have to also separate.

though and. understand that you need your own bit of. sanity. So, you have to do. what makes you happy. You have to. working for me. I love working, so that. makes me happy. Anytime I think. something's really hard, I dive into. work and or if there's challenges, like. I love to dive into my work and that's. like a bit of my therapy and my routine. to keep me going. But I think you know, I have chats with my girlfriends when. our kids are having tantrums and there. could be things going on.

that we don't even know about and you. feel like you're the worst mom. If. something's going on and you can't fix. it, you have no idea how to change it, your kids are fighting, whatever it is, and my friends and I will text each. other and be like in tears, literally. locking ourselves in the room like away. from a kid having a tantrum when that's. not what you should do. You should go. and lean into them and but sometimes.

it's so overwhelming. That was probably. the only time I'd be hard on myself is. am I a good mom? I try to do everything and I think how. to balance work with that is when you're. home being really present. Kids, all. they want is time. Mhm. They just want your time. Yeah. You can. give them all these amazing big. experiences and they'll remember them. and they're great, but they'll always. remember you being present. Mhm. And I think that's just the most.

important thing in all of your. relationships. Think about what a kid wants. A kid just. wants your time. So why wouldn't. everyone else? You have to kind of treat everyone like. that if you want these like meaningful. relationships in your life. Yeah. And you have to be present. And it's. okay to feel like you are not. 100%. at. being the best mom. I say this all the time. We there's no. manual. They do not come with a manual.

Everyone's doing the best that they can. And I just feel so lucky that I have a. good group of girlfriends. and all of our kids are experiencing. different things from I mean, imagine. all the things that they. a divorce, everything that they have to. go through. We're okay. They will be. okay. And they will feel the love and support. and that's all you can do. It'll be. okay. I'll talk to my kids about. anything they want to ask me about. I am. so open and honest with my kids. I think.

that's the only way to be. And it could. be things that they might not understand. and I'll wait to find the appropriate. time to talk about it. I think they grew. up seeing the cameras and they grew up. seeing that even as babies. You know, we'd walk out and there'd be paparazzi. So, it's not really something that they. acknowledge a lot, but you know, my. daughter's really vocal. She'll tell. them when she doesn't want them around. and to leave her alone and to stop and I. love that they use their little voices,

but they also have such a normal life. and such a different life away from all. of that, too. And that's why I love that. my sisters and I all had babies at the. same time, so they can be with each. other and have these experiences. together. What's the biggest lesson you learned. from your mom that you're trying to pass. on to the kids? just how she makes people feel really. heard and welcomed. She really is the. most warm, welcoming person and it's. just like her overall it seems. superficial, but it's not. Like her.

party planning skills. It's not even that. It's just the. welcomingness. of I don't even know if these are words. I'm saying, but like just her ability to. be so warm and to make everyone feel. like they were invited here. I'm going. to create this like special Easter. dinner with like the things on the. table, you know, that she had when we. were growing up at my dad's house. Like. she just has all this like really. special, nostalgic stuff around all the.

time and always tries to make everyone. feel so special, but with like a. gathering, so that everyone feels. comfortable and can hang around. Like. she just loves people in her space. and loves to create these memories and I. think that we all got that from her and. we will all, if I can just pass that on. to my kids just the the experiences that. we have as a family, whether we're just. sitting in our pajamas and hanging out, we make the time to be together and I. hope that my kids want to make the time.

to be together when they grow up with. their cousins and their aunts and just. the whole family. I'm sure they will. Yeah, I think they will, too. Yeah, I think I think you've managed to. hold on to it in your entire generation. and so they see that. I think kids. mirror so much of Yeah. what they see. around them and I remember when I met my. wife, her grandma is her favorite human. on the planet. And it's really. interesting how when someone you love, you know who their favorite human is,

Yeah. you automatically start loving. them. Yeah. And I wasn't really close to. my grandparents, but I'm closer to. Radhi's grandpa like grandma than I am. to my own grandparents because you see. your love for the person that you love. and so. I think when your kids see the love that. you have for your sisters and your. cousins and your aunts and uncles and. parents. only all my kids can love their. siblings, that would be amazing. They're in a fighting phase. Yeah. Yeah. Did you And you guys went. through that phase? I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still going on. first Yeah, still going on.

Never-ending. That's never going to. stop. This next segment is from Jessica. Alba, where she talks about motherhood. and personal growth. A big part of what she shares is how. motherhood reshaped her career and. priorities. Maybe you've just started a new job. Maybe you started a new side hustle. Maybe you just had your first child and. everything's changing. Or maybe your kids just left the home. All of these transitions impact the way.

we work, live, and think. It affects our. relationship with our spouse, our. partner, whoever that may be, and it. impacts our relationship with our work. In this segment, Jessica Alba talks. about how she teaches her kids. resilience, self-worth, and using. success for good. She also talks about. how she's trying and been able to find. balance between her personal ambitions. and family life. I think this is such an. important thing that we're all trying to. juggle and it will really resonate with. you. You know, I think because it was.

such a struggle and so hard for my. parents. They were young when they had. me and every day was a very it was a. very kind of tumultuous environment just. because they were in survival mode every. day struggling to get by and they also. didn't have. necessarily the maturity or the tools to. have context like this podcast, right? There wasn't this podcast when my. parents were, you know, young. There.

were we live now in a culture where. um so many. so much of the stuff that just wasn't. sort of serving humanity has been broken. down and there's this generation um. that's sort of. thinking through like. I guess sort of like yes, we built. these civilizations based off of like. necessity. A lot of these things that. are power and ego driven, right? Um but. now we're in a place where it's a more.

about compassion, mindfulness, right? Openness and that's how we're going to. thrive. and and you know, continue to thrive as. as a human race. Um and and so I think. you know, for my kids. I try to exemplify. uh whatever that is and and at the same. time, you know, they are very aware of. my faults, right? They're very aware. that I, you know, get stressed and I,

you know, get irritable and I don't. sleep enough and all of those things. Um. but you know, we have a we have a. dialogue about it and and. you know, I try to create a space of. compassion. Um. obviously. for. for them, but also, you know, just for. them to to sort of like. know that I'm trying. I think I just. wanted uh. peace and I wanted security and I wanted.

a sense of um financial security to me. meant that uh you could then have peace. and not be so stressed out. I also knew. that like my parents in a lot of ways. were. just sort of like products of certain. systems when you have to support a. family, how can you sort of like get ahead? Um, and they were learning as they were. going, you know, it's sort of like. flying the plane and fixing it at the.

same time. It wasn't until I became a. parent, I think, that I had I really. understood how difficult it was for. them. Um, just being so young and not. necessarily having the tools and not. having, you know, their a a setup, right? To. thrive. I felt like. I had a I had a purpose. I didn't know. what it was. I came from very simple, humble, um, family. What I've done in my life and. what I I've achieved was in no way,

shape or form given to me, handed to me. I mean, I think if anything, there was. nothing but. blocks and challenges and walls and. reasons why I shouldn't. dream or even have the audacity to think. that I could become anything. Every. stage I of every piece of my life, I I. feel like I'm always looking to be. better and do better. So, when I. actually got the opportunity to be an. actress and um I started working on the. on a regular basis, I prayed a lot, you.

know, whether it's God or spirit or. whatever it is that people pray to. Um, I felt like if I could just channel like. I want to do good. I know I'm here to do. good. I'm not sure what that end goal. is, but I promise that if I get any. breakthrough, um I will do good with. with my success. And I always attributed. success with with being able to do good. And uh and then when I became a mom, um. you know, that really my sense of self.

and I would say at my insecurities as a. person, um over silly things kept me, I. think, from fully realizing my potential. before I became a mom. But when I became. a mom, those insecurities sort of went. away. I hope you took away a lot of. practical emotional advice and insight. from this episode. And here are some of. my takeaways. Parenting isn't about being perfect. It's about being present and growing. together. I think when we have that.

pressure of perfection, we actually. sometimes act out in negative ways, even. towards children. That pressure of perfection becomes why. we're angry. Really, we're angry at. ourselves, but we're taking it out on. that child. That stress that we carry of. wanting to be perfect parents and be. perfect all the time makes us act in. ways that we don't love afterwards and. we might regret. Whether it's setting. boundaries, building strong connections, or balancing life, today's insights show.

we're not alone in this journey. Every. single person who's a parent is. struggling with what we've talked about. today. It doesn't matter how many. resources you have, it doesn't matter. what access you have, everyone is going. through an up and down. And I think we. can also relate to that through having. been kids in our lives. If you think. back to being a child, I'm sure your. parents had ups and downs. I'm sure they. had days, weeks, months, and years that. were challenging. It's natural for you. to do that as well. Sometimes we're. trying so hard not to be our parents.

that we end up repeating the same. mistakes. I hope that this episode resonated with. you. I hope you'll share it with a. parent who needs to hear it. I hope. you'll listen to it with your friends. who are parents as well, so you can find. a space to be vulnerable, open, and. connect more deeply. Thank you so much. for listening. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amen on how to change your life. by changing your brain. If we want a. healthy mind, it actually starts with a.

healthy brain. You know, I have the. blessing or the curse to scan over a. thousand convicted felons and over a. hundred murderers, and their brains are. very damaged.