#1 MISTAKE Keeping You Stuck in The WRONG Relationships & Situationships (Do THIS to Fix it!)

If you're afraid to ask difficult. questions in a relationship, it's because you might already know the. answer. But that's not a good reason. It's better to have the truth than a lie. that feels better than the truth. A lot. of us will accept lies in a. relationship, lies that we made up in. our mind, in our head, because we don't. want to face the truth. But the truth. allows us to move forward. Being in a.

healthy relationship isn't just about. chemistry. It's about clarity. >> The number one health and wellness. podcast, >> J Shetty. >> J Shetty, >> the one, the only J Shetty. >> Hey everyone, it's J Shetty and welcome. back to OnPurpose. Today we're talking. about something no dating app can teach. you. the conversations we're avoiding in. modern dating that could save us from. wasting years on the wrong people. Now,

I get it. We're always worried. We're. scared. What if I talk about this? What. if I bring it up? What if I start having. this conversation? People are going to. get turned off. People are going to. reject me. Well, here's the reality. It's better to be your honest, authentic. self and have someone reject you than to. become the version they want just so. they can accept you. So many of us mold, we hesitate, we secondguess, we change.

ourselves just for someone to stay, not. realizing that what's the point in. wanting someone to stay by changing who. we are when they'll leave when they. discover the reality. We all go through. this. We avoid the real questions, right? Not because we don't care, but. because we're afraid of what the answers. might mean. But here's the truth. If you. want real connection,

you need real conversations. So today, I'm giving you powerful. questions that most people avoid when. dating, but absolutely shouldn't. And. for each one, I'll break down why it. matters, what the science says, and how. to ask it in a way that doesn't make. things weird. And I know what you're. thinking, Jay. If I ask this on a first. date or a second date, I'm not going to. get a third. Well, here's the reality.

You don't have to ask this on a first or. second date. I just hope that you ask. these questions at some point in the. dating process so that things don't go. too far and you actually save yourself. from those surprises and shocks later. on. Here's the reality. If you're dating. right now, these are great questions. If. you just moved in, these are great. questions. If you just got engaged, these are great questions. Or even if. you're married, this is a great. conversation to have. Don't avoid these.

at any stage of the relationship because. they will transform your communication. ability. What I find for a lot of. couples is by the time they've committed. to being together, they're actually not. aware of how good they are at having. difficult conversations. And the truth. is they're not very good at them because. they've either tried to avoid them, put. them on the back burner, had an. argument, and then just swept it under. the carpet. This will ensure that before.

you're with someone deeply, you actually. know what you're getting yourself into. The first question is, what does a. healthy relationship look like to you? Most people assume love will just click. But talking about what respect, space, trust, and support actually look like. helps avoid unmet expectations and. silent resentments later. Now the reason. we avoid this question is because we.

assume love should be effortless. We. assume that love should just flow. We. assume that if someone loves me it will. be healthy. But here's the reality. Just. because you love someone it doesn't. block unhealthy behaviors. So don't. assume that hey if we have positive. feelings toward with each other we. already have a healthy relationship. You. can love someone and have bad. communication. You can love someone and have unhealthy.

habits. Someone can love you and still. talk to you poorly. Because these are. skills and habits that no one has ever. been taught. It matters because it. builds shared language around emotional. needs. A lot of our language around. emotional needs feels like, oh, you're. just being needy. Oh, you just need a. lot of attention. Oh, you're just. highmaintenance. Right? These are the. things we think of when someone shares. what they want in a relationship. Today,

it's often misconstrued as being needy, wanting too much attention, or actually. further than that, being someone who's. highmaintenance. And the reality is we. never got the opportunity to build a. shared language. Research shows that. clarity around emotional needs and. communication styles leads to. longerlasting partnerships. That's. research from the Gottman Institute. A.

healthy relationship makes you feel more. like yourself. An unhealthy one makes. you forget who that even is. A healthy. relationship gives you space to grow. An. unhealthy one makes you shrink to fit. A. healthy relationship holds you through. the hard days. An unhealthy one makes. you feel like you're too much for having.

them. A healthy relationship brings you. peace. An unhealthy one keeps you. addicted to chaos. A healthy. relationship challenges you with. kindness. An unhealthy one criticizes. you into silence. A healthy relationship. helps you trust your voice. An unhealthy. one teaches you to doubt it. A healthy.

relationship reminds you of your value. An unhealthy one makes you fight to. prove it. When you answer the question, what does a healthy relationship look. like to you? Someone may say time. Someone else may say freedom. Someone. else may say constant connection. If you. haven't had that conversation, you don't. know what you're signing up for. So many.

of us are subscribing to relationships. We're pressing the follow button without. actually knowing what the terms and. conditions are. When you ask these. questions, you actually understand what. are the terms and conditions of this. relationship? What are the small print? What are the messages that are hidden. that are lost in between the lines? So. many of us have no idea whether our. partner's views on a healthy.

relationship are the same as ours. We. just assume they are. We assume that if. we think a healthy relationship is time, values, and respect, then everyone must. think that way. But we don't know what. their relationship was like with their. parents or what their parents'. relationship was like or what background. they come from and what the word healthy. means to them. It's like saying to. someone what is a healthy workout. regime. If you come from a family where.

working out and staying healthy and fit. was really important, you'd say five. days a week. If you come from another. type of family, you'd say, "Hey, being. healthy just means going on a walk once. a week." We all have really different. ideas of what healthy means, and that. applies to love as well. Question number. two to ask when you're dating is, what. are you afraid of when it comes to. commitment? Not everyone fears. commitment for the same reason. Some. fear losing freedom. Others fear.

repeating the past. We avoid this. question because we don't want to scare. someone off or admit our own fears. But. here's why it matters. It opens the door. to healing, not hiding. See, for a lot. of us, we hope this person wants a. committed relationship. We're wishing, wanting, waiting for this dating. situation to turn into exclusivity. And. when we don't have this conversation,

what we set ourselves up for is another. false expectation around what commitment. means. Being in a committed relationship. isn't about constant excitement. It's. about showing up, especially on the. boring days. It's not always filled with. butterflies. Sometimes it's choosing to talk it out. instead of walking away. It's not. texting 24/7. It's feeling safe in silence. It's not.

agreeing on everything. It's learning to. disagree without disrespect. It's not. proving your worth every day. It's. knowing you're valued even on your worst. ones. It's not about losing your. independence. It's about having someone. who respects your space and still shows. up for you. It's not perfect. It's. practiced. It's not effortless. It's. chosen again and again. I think when you.

raise this question, you're raising it. not from the perspective of I need you. to commit right now. I think the reason. why these conversations are actually. difficult is because we postpone them. till they're critical rather than when. they're a conversation. Think about that. for a second. We postpone critical. conversations. to when they are urgent as opposed to. when they would just be a question. Right? So, we wait till things are.

really bad. And so, when you ask the. question, it feels like pressure. When. you ask the question, it feels like. you're pushing them. When you ask the. question, it feels like they have to. make a decision. So when you say, "Hey, what do you struggle with with. commitment?" They're thinking, "Wait, you're projecting that onto me. You're. telling me I don't want to commit. You're telling me you want me, need me. to commit right now." And that puts the. person on the defensive. So even when. you frame these questions, it's really. important to say, you know, I really.

think that having an open dialogue about. what commitment means to us is really. important. And I want to know and I want. to share as well what commitment means. to me. Commitment means to me monogamy. It means loyalty. It means not. criticizing each other in public. It. means being honest with each other. Right? Whatever that may mean. And now. all of a sudden it's not a conversation. to say, "So when are we going exclusive? So when are we moving in? So when are. you proposing?" Right? That's when it's. a bad question. These questions will be.

perceived as bad questions when they. feel like you're asking another. question. That's the worst type of. question to get when the person on the. receiving end knows in their head that. you're actually asking a completely. different question. What you're asking. is when are we getting married? You're. not really asking what are your thoughts. on commitment. The question you're. really asking is so when are you. proposing? It's an ultimatum. It's not. understanding. Right? When you ask a. question that's actually an ultimatum, it actually disconnects you from that.

person. And of course, this applies in. work. It applies for family. It applies. for friends. But we see it the most in. love. Don't use these questions as a. mechanism to get someone to propose, move in, or get married. Use them as a. real method of connection, understanding, and building a common. platform to build a healthy relationship. from. Don't wait till things are extreme. to start these healthy conversations.

Question number three to ask while. you're dating is, how do you handle. conflict? Most people discover the. answer during a fight. But asking early. can prevent blowups, shutdowns, or. walking away when things get hard. Now, me and Radi went through this as well, and we didn't have this conversation. I. wish we had asked this question when we. started dating. We discovered it much. later. What I found out years later was.

that when we had a conflict, I wanted to. talk it out and Radi wanted to hide. I. wanted to fix it and solve it right now. I wanted to share everything and put it. on the table. She needed two days to. process it. And for years, I used to. feel I cared more about the relationship. because I was right there ready to solve. it. And in my head, I would make up this. story that she didn't care because she. was retreating or hiding in the bedroom. So I'd say, "Look, you don't care as.

much as I do. Look, I'm standing right. here ready to solve it. You obviously. don't value the connection." And she'd. be thinking the same thing. She'd say, "How can you have a conversation when. you haven't digested it? How can you fix. it when you haven't had time to reflect? I care more because I'm actually. thinking about it. I'm actually. processing it. I'm actually working. through it. It's amazing how you can. both be saying the same thing but. reflecting it in different ways. That's. when I discovered, and I wrote about. this in my book, Eight Rules of Love,

the fight languages. Venting, hiding, and exploding are the three fight. languages. A venter wants to fix, solve, and talk right now. A hider wants time. and space to reflect. And the exploder. wants to put emotional blame and stress. Now, here's the reality. Our fight. styles can be transformed and can be. improved, but initially we need to know. what we need in conflict. And when you. have this conversation, when you're not.

fighting, that's when you win. If you. can talk about how you fight when you're. not fighting, you will both win the. argument when it comes to it. But if you. only talk about a fight when you're in. the fight, you will both lose. Talk. about conflict before it arises. So many. couples say, "Oh, we never fight. We. never argue. We don't have those. issues.". Still talk about it because there will.

be an issue. There will be a. disagreement that will lead to an. argument or whatever it may be. And. that's when you will have hoped you. trained when you weren't in the fire. You don't train for a championship game. in the championship game. You don't. train for the final in the final. You. train for it months and weeks before so. that you're prepared. When it comes to. difficult conversations, arguments or. disagreements, train before you get to.

them. Now, we avoid this because it. feels negative to bring up problems. early, right? We're like, I don't want. to be the one to ruin it. Things are. going so well. But that's short-term. thinking. If things are going well, having this conversation will only make. them better. Think about that. If this. is your person, having this type of. conversation will only make the. relationship better. It will actually. save you from getting far down the line.

and then all of a sudden having a moment. and going, "Wait, things are going so. well. I thought we really got along. I. thought we were really, really happy.". Yeah, you were. because you hadn't had a. conflict yet and because you haven't. discussed how to deal with one now it's. tripping you up. This really matters. because love isn't built on avoiding. conflict. It's built on handling it with. respect. Love isn't built on never having an. argument. Love is built on knowing how.

to navigate one. Love isn't built on. never having a disagreement. It's built on having a disagreement. without disrespect. Love isn't built on always being happy. It's built on knowing what to do when. your partner and you feel unhappy. Love. isn't built on solving things at the. same time, at the same pace. It's built.

on knowing when to give space and when. you need some yourself. Because remember. this, the right person fights with you, not against you. The wrong one turns. every disagreement into a scoreboard. The right person listens to understand. The wrong person listens to win. The. right person makes hard conversations.

feel safe. The wrong one makes you. afraid to speak up. The right person. holds space for your feelings even when. they don't agree. The wrong one uses your feelings against. you. The right person works through it, not around it. The wrong one leaves. things broken and calls it peace. Here's. the reality. You are not going to meet.

the right person. You are going to become the right person. and they're going to become the right. person because you're open to this. process. If you try and find someone who. ticks everything I just said, you will. fail. I wasn't the right person before I. met my wife. She wasn't the right. person. We became the right people. because we were willing to do the right. things. Think about that for a second. You and your partner will become the. right people for each other because you.

make the choice to do the right things, to have the hard conversations, to have. the difficult interactions, to have the. disagreements, to prepare for that, to. have a plan for that. That's how you'll. get there. Don't sleep on that one. Embrace the energy of summer with. Pandora. Jewelry that celebrates who you. are and the journey you're on. From. sunrise adventures to sunset slowdowns, Pandora brings a touch of paradise to. every moment. No passport needed. This.

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even just a reminder to stay present. this season. Feel it, live it, embrace. it, be love. Shop in store or online at. Pandora.net to discover new styles. Question number four to ask when you're. dating. What are your long-term. intentions right now? Not everyone is. dating for the same reason, but most. people assume they are until someone. ghosts or gets blindsided. We avoid this.

because we don't want to come off too. intense. But hey, is it better to come. off intense and lose someone who doesn't. want to be in there for the long term? or be casual with someone and hope it. goes well. Here's why it matters. If. you're afraid to ask, you might already. know the answer. Let me say that again. If you're afraid to ask difficult. questions in a relationship, it's because you might already know the.

answer, but that's not a good reason. It's better to have the truth than a lie. that feels better than the truth. A lot of us will accept lies in a. relationship, lies that we've made up in. our mind, and our head because we don't. want to face the truth. But the truth. allows us to move forward. Being in a. healthy relationship isn't just about. chemistry. It's about clarity. It's not just about who you're drawn to.

It's about knowing where they're headed. and if they want you there. It's not. asking what are we months in. It's. knowing from the beginning what you both. want. It's not reading between the. lines. It's having the courage to read. the truth out loud. It's not hoping. they'll change their mind. It's. respecting what they told you from the. start. It's not pretending you're okay.

with casual when your heart wants. commitment. It's being honest about what you're. looking for, even if it scares them. away. It's not playing it cool. It's. being clear with yourself and with them. Because love without direction feels. exciting. until it feels lost. And connection. without clarity isn't romance. It's.

confusion. Question number five to ask. when you're dating. What does emotional. availability. mean to you? Someone can text daily, be. romantic, and still be emotionally. unavailable. Define what openness, vulnerability, and. safety really look like for each other. Now, we avoid this because we mistake. consistency for connection. We also. avoid this because we know we want an.

emotionally intelligent relationship, but we don't want to come across that. way, right? We want to be seen as cool. and relaxed and casual, but really we. want to know what these words mean. And. we feel, wait a minute, I'm setting. myself up for failure here, coming. across as a dork or a geek, but what. ends up happening is you end up in an. emotionally unintelligent relationship. because you never had any emotionally. intelligent conversations. If you're. scared of having an emotionally. intelligent conversation with your. partner, chances are you have an.

emotionally unintelligent relationship. Because if you're willing to have that. conversation, it shows that you respect. that person's emotional capacity and. capability. If you're not, you're saying. it might not exist. This matters because. availability isn't how they show up in. your phone. It's how they show up in. your life. Emotionally available people. make space for your feelings, even when.

it's uncomfortable. They call back when conversations get. hard. They say how they feel, not just. what you want to hear. They don't. disappear when you need depth. They can hold their own emotions and. respect yours, too. Emotionally. unavailable people. They keep things. vague so they don't have to be honest. They show up for the good parts then.

vanish when it gets real. They avoid. labels, responsibility, and anything. that sounds like commitment. They flirt. with your potential but won't build. anything solid. They make you guess how. they feel and call it taking it slow. Now, here's the interesting thing. When. someone's honest with us, but we don't. like their honesty, we see them as bad. It's also on us to receive honesty with.

openness. If you block your partner. every time they're honest with you, guess what? They're going to be. dishonest with you. People learn. dishonesty. because sometimes their honesty is not. received. If someone opens up to you about. something and they don't feel you were. open in receiving it, they now close the. door. They're going to lie to you. They're going to make things up. They're. going to find other excuses because they.

feel you don't want their honesty. Allow yourself to be someone that. invites honesty even if it's. uncomfortable. Question number six to. ask while dating. How do you recharge alone or with. people? Introvert versus extrovert isn't. just a personality type. It's a. lifestyle. And dating someone with a. different rhythm without awareness can. lead to guilt, pressure, or unmet needs. We don't realize. So often in a.

relationship, someone will say, "You. don't like me. You don't want to spend. time with me." And all that person's. actually saying is, "I love spending. time with you, but I recharge alone. I. love seeing you, but I recharge by. myself. I enjoy every moment we spend. together, but I'm someone who needs. alone time. But we assume that someone's. alone time is a reflection of them not. wanting to be with us rather than how.

they recharge. It creates a sense of. uneasiness. It creates a sense of. distrust. It messes up the freedom and. independence dynamic. And we avoid this. question because it feels too minor to. matter. This isn't one of the big ones. This is one of those silent killers in. relationships. You keep nagging the. other person. You keep wanting their. time and energy and they just want to be. alone. And you see that as a sign of. them not wanting you, but the reality is. that's how they recharge.

This is why it matters. Energy. mismatches cause more conflict than most. people expect. One of my clients, let's. call her Amy, she was 29 years old, swiped right on Chris, but after date. two felt overwhelmed. He wanted a dinner. party. She wanted solo Netflix. She. thought she disliked him until she. realized she wasn't anti him, just in. need of quiet. A simple question cleared.

the air. Introverts recharge solo. Extroverts recharge through social. connection. Introverts will choose a night in. Extroverts will choose a night out. Introverts will choose time alone. Extroverts will choose time with others. It's all about how you recharge. Recognizing this prevents misreadings.

and resentment early. So try this on. date three. Ask what recharges you more. A big night out or a quiet night in. Watch how their answer helps you both. skip future mismatches. It's actually a. fun conversation, too. Which one would. you choose? Question number seven to ask. when dating. What does being ready for a relationship. mean to you? People say they're open to. love, but everyone defines readiness.

differently. Some mean emotionally. healed. Others mean financially stable. Others mean bored and lonely. We avoid. this because we're afraid of hearing, "I'm not ready for anything serious.". We're so scared of hearing those words. that we'd rather pretend to ourself that. this casual thing will become serious. then move on from the casual thing and. find something serious. It's better to.

leave a casual relationship if you want. a serious one than to stay in it. pretending it will become a serious one. Because chances are, if that person has. told you they don't want anything. serious, you're not going to be someone. who's going to change their mind. We all. want to be the person to change that. person's mind. And we're scared that. they're going to change their mind for. the next person. Well, you're not that. person. You're not the next person, and that's.

okay. Here's why this question matters. It helps you understand if you're dating. a partner or a placeholder, and how much time you want to waste. I. remember working with a client, I'll. call them Jordan and Mia, and they had. sparks. They were doing so great, and. then they had this disagreement that. came when they were traveling for a. weekend trip. Jordan shut down. Mia kept.

pushing and it almost ended. And then. I'd asked them to ask this question. Only when Mia asked him to share how he. processes tension did they create a code. word to pause and reconnect instead of. fight. And here's what the science says. The emotional availability framework. shows that conflict handling styles. deeply shape relationship satisfaction. So try this today. On a low stakes.

disagreement, ask when you're upset, what helps? Space, talk, distraction. Use their answer when tension hits next. When someone's ready for a relationship, they don't just want connection. They. want commitment. They know what they're looking for, and. they're not afraid to say it. They've. faced their past, not stuffed it under. healing. They make space for another.

person without losing themselves. They take accountability, not just attention. They show up consistently, not just when it's convenient. Love isn't a distraction for them. It's. a decision for them. When someone's not. ready for a relationship, they say, "I'm. not sure what I want." But they still. want your time. They want chemistry. without commitment.

They're still healing, but use it to. avoid getting close. They want. relationship benefits with single person. freedom. They pull you in, then push you away and. call it processing. They wait for the perfect person instead. of working on being one. They make you. feel like you're asking for too much. just for wanting clarity. Question. number eight to ask while you're dating.

What does independence look like to you. in a relationship? Some people need space to feel close. Others need closeness to feel safe. If. you don't talk about that, one will feel. smothered and the other will feel. abandoned. We think chemistry will override. compatibility. Independence is actually about. boundaries and boundaries build.

security, not distance. One of my. friends, let's call him Ravi, his. partner. Maddie texted him every day early on, right? It was long chats, spending hours. on the phone. But two months later, communication dipped and all of a sudden. he felt abandoned. It wasn't until she. explained that routine texts don't equal. emotional presence. She preferred a deep. nightly debrief on the phone. The.

science says emotional availability, being responsive and supportive, directly correlates with trust and. intimacy. Make sure you're clear on. that. Try this today. Ask what makes you. feel emotionally heard and listen for. quality over frequency and then try. matching that. Question number nine to. ask when you're dating. What are you still healing from?

Everyone has a story. And while we don't. owe each other our trauma, we do owe. each other honesty about what might. still be shaping our choices. We avoid it because we don't want to. seem damaged or too deep. But it. matters. It invites real intimacy, not surface level perfection. So here's the deal. You're not too. intense for asking. You're just being.

honest in a world built on surface level. connections. These nine conversations. aren't heavy. They're healthy. And if. someone's afraid to go there, that's not. a red flag. It's a stop sign. Because. when someone is right for you, they. won't just answer these questions. They'll ask them, too. So, next time. you're on a date, allow yourself to go. deeper. You might just save yourself.

weeks, months, and years. Thank you so. much for listening on purpose. Send this. to someone in your life who needs to. hear it, who's newly dating, newly. married, newly engaged. It will change. their lives. And remember, I am always. rooting for you. I'm forever in your. corner. Thank you for listening. Hey. everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check out my episode with the. world's leading therapist, Lori. Gotautle, where she answers the biggest.

questions that people ask in therapy. when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying. to figure out that space right now, you. won't want to miss this conversation. >> If it's a romantic relationship, hold. hands. It's really hard to argue. It. actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the. conversation.