Embarrassing Swimming Fail

I went to the pool for the Adult Swim. and I embarrassed myself. I'm Michelle Clyde from Springville Utah. let's talk about that good mythical. morning today's episode is brought to. you by Cotulla x' the guys with the. goods including the turbo spoke attach. this to your bike in five minutes or. less no batteries needed and it sounds. like a motorcycle I think I'm gonna.

attach this to my mountain bike or. yourself I thought you're gonna say to. my person you know I got my mountain. bike from the Craigslist yeah and I. tested it out and you you hope that when. you buy a new bike or something like. that that it's gonna it's gonna take. your skills up like it's gonna square. them or something but I realize it. didn't make me a better mountain biker. it just I think if anything it only just. made me more committed to keep trying or. accepting that event money. your lack of mountain biking skills but.

you know I may have a future in it. professional mountain biker yeah that. might be my thing you should see me. sometime I just take you out there and. you can like film me and we can make. epic mountain biking videos me almost. killing myself on treacherous ups and. downs you think you could cure me on one. of those child seats that fits on the. back I have one of those because if you. put me in one of those my feet would. still hit the ground you put your feet I. get on the island your handlebars that. would be a little awkward yeah it would. be I take that back it's never gonna. happen people don't get your hopes up.

well I'm glad you're talking about your. exploits and mountain biking because I'm. gonna talk a little bit about something. kind of similar Fitness related swimming. I know you're gonna talk about swimming. yeah which one I think about mountain. biking I almost only always just skip to. thinking about swim yeah yeah where's. they're related yeah well they're both. activities okay you know yep yep okay ah. my back you know if you've heard me talk. about this before my back is bad I have.

back issues I have a recurrent uronic. back issues yeah back rot I hope not. we'll see I'm putting in perspective. there like a boil back it could be it. could be worse you get it starting to. smell. I have got it I don't have you have to. cut all that rotten flesh out I don't. have no green of the back no that's not. what I have I just have what do you have. I don't know I wish I knew I just have. but don't you feel better about it now. that I told you about the gross stuff. yeah at least I don't have gangrene of. the back and now my life is something.

better I have a lot of back issues. muscular-skeletal at or I want to say I. have to toss skillet or issues of the. back my back talks like scalloped our. skeletal issues of the back and so but I. also like to try to be kind of well no. listen I would like to be in shape. haven't been since high school okay okay. I haven't done anything active on a. consistent basis since I like played. basketball in high school but I flirt. with it you know we've talked about how.

I flirted with hot yoga and then we. moved from that area of town and I'm no. longer next to a hot yoga studio I've. moved on I don't by flirting with it you. mean like a baby. you look like exercise well or you look. hot what's that a real good joke there. what's up no I'm not just it's you. flirting with exercise itself or fitness. fitness of all kinds Hey concept of. fitness you look hot. well no the hot yoga would be hot that. was a hot yoga that was I was really. trying to throw you a softball there oh.

I'm afraid of softballs my my stepsister. hit me in the face with a softball. really yeah I pitched it to her and she. slammed right well it wasn't a baseball. dark a hard ball but they're bigger it's. even worse so I try occasionally to. think well maybe I'm gonna run a little. bit and what happens when I you know. we've got the park out here and you're. gonna run around the park I do that for. two or three days and then my back hurts. and my knees hurt because I'm a giant. you know and I've got back problems I've. got knee issues I'm just getting old I'm.

decrepit I've got bat gangrene as we've. already established but I was watching. the US Olympic Trials and they were. swimming and I was like that's one of. the events right sweet is this news do. you know I know it hit me that's just. swimming and you know what and we begin. we've begun taking our kids to the to. the public pool out here it's right out. there and jump off your roof. maybe laying in the meadow I couldn't I. couldn't make it I'm not a good jumper. I'm also not Superman it's like 200.

yards but I have heard that swimming is. good for people who have bad backs right. because you only carry like 10% of your. weight or something it's like walking on. the moon when you go into the pool if I. that's how its astronauts practice moon. walks is in a pool there's no water on. them in a speedo and so I'm like well. I'm gonna go and do it let me see how. early they open and I'm gonna go. tomorrow morning and just to swim some. laps you know for some exercise that'll. be easy. yeah but I'm like you know what I don't. have goggles and I got a game I got. really sensitive eyes so I'm like I.

gotta go get some goggles so I go down. to the the Sports Authority down the. road and I go to the goggles section I. grab just you know the cheapest like. speedo goggles that they've got a lot of. children yelling outside the door I do. they want to get in they love your story. I don't know if you can hear them but. they're cheering and I'm kind of a kid. some sort of game over there in the pool. actually probably yeah and so I grab the. goggles and then as I'm about to walk. out I look over and I notice the swim. trunks the swimming trunks oh no no you.

didn't high height swim trunks speed up. it hits me I'm like do I need those cut. damn I just gonna go swim laps in board. shorts or am I gonna go and go all out. am I gonna get a speedo and go over. there so let me just look at him look. put your fears at rest because I did not. purchase a tight-fitting okay swimming. suit but you looked at him I looked at.

him they cost $50 the cheapest one is. $50 $50 to put some boxer briefs on net. now they're not just like bikini I do. have bikini briefs but now they're for. the guys at least they go they're like. you've seen Michael Phelps swim they go. down to half you're behind your knees. okay. almost anyway olive that's kind of steep. so I just kept my board shorts this. morning I wake up I go over there at. 7:00 a.m. I go to the pool and of course. we as we established there's a lot of. people in Los Angeles I'm thinking no. one else is gonna be swimming at 7:00.

a.m. what are they a bunch of freaks yes. yeah so many people already swimming. that I have to share a lane with an old. man. I actually looked and I was like well. there's there's three people in this. lane how do you share a lane you swim in. this big circle and you crawl you pass. by each other repeatedly there's all. these young people who were kind of. tearing it up in the water my well not. getting in that Lane but there's a man. with white hair who looks like he's. about to die in the water. mm-hmm I'm gonna get in his lane because. you know I feel better about myself I.

can keep up we can sort of be on the. same pace because I've never done this. before. I haven't okay really done competitive. or maybe you consider swimming and quite. some time maybe you can save his life if. you know if he started to have problems. so I get down and I jump into the water. and I kind of see him kind of like you. know I'm giving him the obligatory I'm. in your lane here I come one John this. on purpose we will we'll get my goggles. on I've got my board charts on he's got. on a speedo of course old man in a.

speedo $50 and I started swimming a 50. meter pool this was official link pool. you know I go down the first 50 meters. and like get to the animate that was. more difficult than I anticipated but. you know okay. turn it's cuz you wearing parachutes for. shorts well he needed his feet up it's. more than that I turn around and I'll. come back now I get halfway so I've gone. 75 meters I get halfway and it hits me. I'm like I don't know if I can make it.

to the other side you're in winded oh I. was and so I'm like why I'm not stop in. the middle the pool there's lifeguard. watching there's a I'm gonna this is my. reputations on the line I gotta make it. 200 meters yeah so I make a hundred. meters and then I'm like alright let me. take a break I stopped and I'm like and. you pass the dude twice right yeah it's. yeah so far we just sort we passed a. eight I'll get to what happens later so. then I'm like okay well alright um that.

was more difficult than I anticipated. and I kind of sit there and like oh this. really takes it out of you you know you. got out of the pool no no no no I'm just. standing up at the end I got my like you. know the like the Olympic swimmers do. you know. kind of put their arm up on them yeah. smoke cigarette and hug the other person. I didn't do that just oh so they're in. ok well here we go let's do this again. this time if you did not get you back. beta no hundred yards its meters who are. you ball meters ok ok yeah they change.

that in like 1954 even shorter so ok so. now I'm going my alright lap lap - oh. god I take off I'm like man this mmm I. get halfway down like this is harder. than I thought it would be and I'm still. going though I'm not gonna stop in the. middle of pool mm-hmm and then I pass. him one more time and like he's further. along you didn't pass him you met him I. met him but he was closer to me than I. anticipated. hmm and so then I come back and I'm. coming back the other way and I make it. about 25 I make it about 20 yards almost. halfway I'm like I've got to switch to.

breaststroke oh I got to go to. breaststroke because I might sink I. think I might sink and so I started. going to breaststroke next thing I know. there was an elderly man passing me. oh no doing freestyle he's like gives me. a look under the with the goggles you. know it's like and he's a little speedo. just passing me that man continued to. swim at the same pace this freestyle is. he was swimming when I got there and let.

me tell you he was swimming I left it oh. I did breaststroke for another couple of. laps and then I was like oh maybe I. should just be easing into this and. maybe I should get a speedo or maybe you. should just never go back oh I'm going. back because listen here's what you're. gonna get a speedo and go back what no. this is what hit me then said this is. serious if you are not you know those. stories about two men to men's boat. capsizes in the Gulf of Mexico and they. tread water for two day listen if we.

were out in the Gulf of Mexico and our. boat turn over we they wouldn't find us. there would be some great story about we. swam 10 miles - sure like two men found. dead floating next to capsized boat in. the Gulf of Mexico because listen I'm. not a good swimmer. I actually I am a good swimmer but I can. only go so far and I get winded yeah I. know I can outswim you could you have. the two of us out there and that's. supposed to make you feel good no it. makes me feel scared. because well we need to take the old. gray-haired man with us you know how are.

we going the goal how often we go we go. boating in the Gulf yeah I know at least. I've always thought we should do that I. need to make friends with that guy. and I'm worried I'm worried about our. safety so I'm gonna go back I'm gonna. get a speedo and I'm gonna get good at. this. no pictures please and I'm gonna I'm. gonna learn how to fitness swim and then. at least I'll survive and I'll be able. to say you know link default bravely he. died about seven minutes in I'm glad to. Jerry Kathy I think this is the. application for me you're trying to get. me where speed up weight this is you can.

rub your feet lay down oh and you can. gravel it in my neck and I'll swim. through the Gulf with you on my back. all right listen this episode on a. positive note says right here we are to. strike gold. so we're let's let's be two guys who. were pant pant handling go I think you. pan nope and uncle Manny sees me sir do. you have any gold oh look you just. because that Aries rocks in you yeah. I've been doing this for years. what are you a hey what you think of you.

huh. pyrite it's not going to spools gold are. not soft it I think this is soft I see. it soft you see I ain't this is real. gaucho real gold. no gold and it's mine let's go get dead. Tracey and give it to him gold. [Music]. you. [Music].