J Woww | Dumb Blonde Podcast

Is this thing on? >> Bonnie, who used to be a former sex. worker and now host the podcast Dumb. Blonde. >> Most little girls grow up wanting to be. doctors and lawyers and I was like, I. want to be super hot, make a lot of and. be a rockstar's wife. That was my goal. as a child. And here we are. >> What's up you sexyers? Welcome to. another episode of Tom Blonde. Today, this woman is a freaking household name. If you don't know who she is, you are. living under a rock. Miss Jwow, baby. Jenny Farley, how you doing, baby?

>> Well, now I'm blushing. >> You are so beautiful. I was just staring. at her across the table and I was like, you are so beautiful. >> Oh my gosh. Thanks. >> No, like stunning in person, too. Like, you're beautiful online, but in person. like online, I'm like, is that how I. look in real life? Like, and everyone's. like, "Oh my god, you have all this like. crazy work done. You've done this." I. said and I I look back and I'm like, "No, I actually just think I make the. most awkward facial expressions on every.

red carpet cuz I'm just that person." I. tell everybody I hate red carpets. >> Same. >> Like you can go there looking and. feeling your best to yourself and then. you get thating Getty image back and. you're like, "Who the is this wombat?". Like there's so many times that I'm. like, "What happened?" I just went to. the PCA's by the way. Congratulation on. Jelly winning. I saw I did not win, but. I got all my pictures back and I'm like, is that how I looked? >> You looked gorgeous, though. I thought.

you looked gorgeous. >> I make the just most asinine, ridiculous. faces that clearly don't resonate well. in photos. >> It's also because there's 50 cameras. going off at one time. You don't know. which one to look at. Nobody ever picks. a good side to post ever. >> They want the bad ones. They have one. that has haunted me for Did you see the. Tik Tok I made of it? Lit. I look like. Slimer. I'm telling you, it is Jenny. It's theing worst thing. And they post. it in every news article.

>> That's what they do. >> It's theing three cher like I mean I'm. like I laughed and it was like just hey, you know, like it was so. >> That's me too. Like I'm always like. this. So I'm always like and I'm like I. always have like PR or someone like just. lift lift your ch like do something. where and I'm just dead inside cuz I'm. like I don't know what to do. >> Nobody gives lessons on how to walk on a. red carpet either. >> No, it's like you have to you're. freaking you're thrown to the wolves and. you have to figure it out yourself. >> And as an older millennial I have the.

awkward stance or the peace sign. >> Me too. >> I do the double peace sign. I'm always. like what do I do with my hand? >> Like slapping my hand down like what are. you doing? I'm like, what am I supposed. to do? >> It's so awkward, dude. Well, I think you. look stunning on all the red carpets. >> Thank you. >> So, I got to listen I don't really. listen to too many podcasts. I'm not I. kind of like, you know, cuz I do my. podcast, so I don't really dive into. other ones, but I listened to the Vile. Files podcast with you the other day. >> and I really loved it. >> Thank you.

>> I was like, she is such a sweet soul. >> A thanks. That was my first real podcast. like yourself that I wasn't doing for. press for just like five minutes. And I. was just like, "All right, I've known. Nick for years. I met a I met his. girlfriend on their first date.". >> A. >> I've known him like years prior. I was. like, "All right, I think I'm just going. to take your suggestion and go on." Um, but without any rhyme or reason. Yeah. I've never known to do a podcast and.

like understand like you know what am I. going to bring to the table on a podcast. >> uh yourself. >> But I'm like what does that mean? And. that's where I get nervous and I'm super. introverted and I get really scared. doing these things because I even though. I know Nick, I'm a fan of Nick and even. though I know you now I am a super fan. of you. So I'm like I should be. interviewing them. Like why does anyone. want to interview me? I'm just a mom in. New Jersey. >> You are an icon who's been on TV for.

almost two decades. Like. >> and it feels like 20. But yes, >> the longevity of of that alone is so. admirable because not very many people. get a a TV shelf life of that long. >> No. And I I will tell you this, if they. would have told me that uh in 2009, I. would have showered and uh not looked. like I did in half the episodes. But. again, none of us knew back then. But um. >> but I think that's what made you iconic. was you were so you were rough around.

the edges, but you were like a diamond. in the rough. And you literally have not. only grown up with a generation, but you. are like the big sister that nobody had. to a generation. >> Oh, thank you. >> Looking back, I can see that. and being. the oldest girl in the house and living. on my own since I was 17 and all these. things being raised by my dad like all. of that I I see being like that's my. full circle moment was I was like the.

mom of the house. >> but the one that like didn't allow the. to continue the one that called everyone. out on their [ __ ] still to this day. >> um but I think it took me to be which. I'll be 39 next week many many years to. see it because when you're living it and. you're going through it, I didn't see it. then. >> I I I couldn't I for one, I didn't even. I couldn't even establish the fact that. we were famous for just being us. >> Yeah. >> Like I was just like, I'm just being me.

and having the best time of my life with. these crazy roommates. And it took. probably within like the last 5 years to. realize how big Jersey Shore truly was. It was literally just um a moment in. history. >> Yeah. >> Like it was a historic event that is. going to go down in the history books of. the cast of Jersey Shore. Like you guys, there's nobody who doesn't know who any. of you guys are. >> Oh, thank you. >> Yeah, for sure. I want to circle back to.

your childhood though. You did just say. that you were raised by a single father. and I had heard that before because I. was raised by a single father also. >> I know. >> And Yeah. And I love how you put him on. a pedestal the way that you do. >> Bill. >> Yes. Bill. >> Good old Bill. I call Terry my dad. But. I'm like I love that. And I love how you. show through your videos like how much. he means to you being a woman married, you know, grown, and like you still give.

the accolades to the man who made you. who you are today. >> I appreciate that. It's been a long. road. Me and Bill have had a bumpy ride. So yeah. Tell me a little bit about your. childhood. Tell me like, you know, where. was mom when you were growing up? >> So, when I was. two years old, so first off, my parents. had me in the 80s when they were 20. >> I think my mom actually got pregnant at. like 19 or 20. >> and my dad was like 21, 22. And in. hindsight, looking back, like I couldn't.

fathom no um technology like we have. now. There were no iPads. There were no. cell phones. There was no internet. And. you had this 20 and 22 year old that. just decided, "Oh, a one night stand. turned into something more and we're. going to have this child and not even in. college." Um, and around 2 years old, my. mom got very sick with a mental illness.

>> And then they still stayed together, but my mom was in and out of the. hospital. Uh, and a lot of people. actually don't know this story, so it's. nice to talk about it because people. always get confused. But my mom was in. and out of the hospital. And um, around. I think it was my fourth or fifth. birthday, my grandmother left my birthday party. and got in a car accident and died. >> Oh my god. >> It was my mom's mom. >> So that took my mom out of the equation. like and I feel so terrible cuz I was.

like I couldn't comprehend then like. leaving my birthday all excited. It's in. February as I said. It's next week. >> coming up. Yeah. Happy birthday. >> Yeah. Thank you. Upstate New York. There. was um snow and a teenager um hit the. brakes and skidded across ice and. t-boned my my aunt my um godmother and. my grandmother's car. My grandmother. soon passed. >> and because of my mom was suffering with. mental illness so badly, she just.

couldn't do it anymore. >> And so my dad at like 25 26 was like. well you know here we are. >> like it's just you and me kid. And it. has been ever since. My mom is actually. still alive. I take care of her. She's. in an assisted living home close by. Everywhere I move she moves right by me. But um she's like my third child. >> I always say that I inherited custody of. my parents because before my mom died.

last year. >> Oh, I'm so sorry. >> I inherited It's okay. We weren't close. at all. But um she I inherited her and. you know I had to I had her in an. assisted living and got to spend like. the last year of her life with her. So. same scenario. As much as I am close to. my mom, I love her and I take care of. her. >> Uh I learned. >> she's not my mom, >> right? You know what I mean? It's you. My grandmother, my dad's mom was my mom. And unfortunately, she passed away right.

before the Italy season, which caused a. whole spiral for me. But, you know, my. dad's family really stood up and was. like, "We're going to be a community.". Like, I remember when I first got my. period, I had to call my cousin, and I. was like, "What is happening? I can't. call my dad.". >> Oh, it takes a village. >> Yeah. And like my I got made fun of in. school and someone like this is so. corny, but like when I was like 13, someone was like um said the word boner. and I was like I don't know what that.

is. So I I had to go to my cousin who. was like in her 20s and I I'll never. forget there's not much I remember from. my childhood cuz I think I truly. suppressed it. >> But I'll never forget my the look on my. cousin's face when I was like can you. tell me what a boner is? Again, these were like I think I I think those. were like the most important moments. Not the boner one, but like the moments. >> Listen, I remember I remember my first. boner. No, I'm just kidding. like where.

I think being a mother is so important. and having a mother is so important. because. >> as bad as my childhood was and and as. great as my dad was uh to help me. facilitate to become the woman that I am. today like those those like really. important moments you need with that. female energy. >> wasn't there and I think. >> I put my all now into my daughter.

because of what I didn't have. >> I And I can't wait to talk about your. daughter later because you said some. profound things that I heard and I just. I love the way that you mother. Don't. you think it's crazy that um you know. not having a mom around makes you want. to be or you know not having a present. mother whether she is in your life or. not makes you want to be sometimes in. our cases the complete opposite of what. they were. You know, I I inherited my. bonus baby and I knew that I was not. going to be like how my crazy stepmother.

or how my crazy mom was. I was like this. I want to be a completely different. parent. And has that affected you in. that way also? >> Yeah, I would say more so now than ever. Um. in my 20s I couldn't rationalize. Well, actually I'll take a step back. In my. early 20s, I thought I was going to get. the same diagnosis as my mother. >> So, I went balls to the wall. Like, >> which diagnosis was that, if you don't.

mind? >> Nobody knows, but I will say it. It's. schizophrenia. >> My mom was a schizophrenic, too. >> No way. Swear to God. And you speak. about it publicly. >> Oh, yeah. I've been very vocal about it. Yeah. So, and the only reason why I. don't really speak on it is because. she's still here. And I don't want to. define her as that, but at 22, that's. what she got diagnosed with. Actually, if we're going to just be open and. honest, um it was the '8s. It was 1987. My dad couldn't get a hold of my mother. for hours and he worked at this not this.

great place cuz you know at 22, what. kind of career are you going to have? >> And he kept calling the phone and. calling the phone. Nobody was answering. This is landline guys where uh. >> Oh, I miss those. >> I do miss a good landline phone call in. a three-way. >> Yeah. So my dad um like knew something. was wrong and knew something wasn't. right with my mother. So he ran home and. he couldn't find us and we lived at like. a second or third story apartment.

building and he went through, you know, those back emergency stairwells and he. found my mom like in the fetal position. passed out and me holding her in a. diaper. Oh, I just got chills. and he. thinks that she either had a seizure. there or she had a psychotic break and. that that was it that and I held her for. the 2 to three hours he couldn't reach. us. >> and that was the day that she went to.

the hospital but I'm sure you know with. that diagnosis um the hospitals don't. like to keep people they kind of get you. healthy happy. >> well they put you on medication. >> yes uh the best of your ability and then. send you back And but my grandmother's. passing was the end all be all. And I. remember being my daughter's age, eight. or nine years old, and I told my dad. like, "You got to give up. You got to. stop. Like, we have to move on.". >> And you were parenting your dad at such.

>> Yeah. Cuz I was like, "We can't keep. living like this." Cuz she was so in and. out of the program. But he wouldn't get a divorce yet. He. was like, "We're going to try to make. this make it work." He was, but there. was no relationship there. Like it was. just like I remember one time when I was. like seven, my son's age, and my mom in. the middle of the night fell and broke. her uh shin and her shin bone was like. through her like and it's it was very.

traumatizing cuz I remember it, but it. was because her medication, she was too. over medicated and she slipped and fell. And I was like, "Dad, we have to we have. to like live for ourselves and we have. to get her the help that she needs. because being home might not be the best. case scenario.". >> And it just wasn't. >> Um, and that was just like the beginning. of her health issues. I I don't know if. you know like song long-term psych meds. can cause so many other health issues. >> Yes. >> And um, you know, but I will say this,

she was the only mother I knew, >> right? as in since the beginning of time. that was that was my mom. So I don't. feel like I missed out on anything like. for instance like a mother with um. dementia or Alzheimer's like you knew. your mom one way and now god forbid you. have to see your mother in a different. light and you're always reverting back. to the mom that she once was. But that.

took a lot of soulseeking to see. But um. you know, I only knew my mom one way. So. like I'm like that was just my mom. Some. people have it better, some people have. it worse. That was just my mom. So, I'm. okay with my my. just my story because I truly believe. this the way that my story went as my. childhood went, um, I ended up where I. am now. >> because if I was happy and content and.

have the beautiful white picket fence. house growing up and both parents and. the. >> and the the beautiful family that people. have, I would never have wanted to move. to New York City and find who I wanted. to be. >> and I would have never ended up on the. Jersey Shore. >> Mhm. I always say that. I always tell. everybody, they're like, you know, God, you've been through so much trauma. Cuz. my mom left me on a doorstep when I was. 3 months old while my dad was in the. hospital. So, I never knew a nurturing. mom ever. And then I didn't find her. again till like AOL when I was like 21.

She popped up on my screen and was like, "Hey, I'm your mom." And I'm like, "Well, this is weird." So, it started a. whole weird thing, but um you know, I. forgot where I was going with that. I. had a point, I swear. But um you know, as far as like our moms go, do you think. not having that mother figure in your. life, cuz I I just want to know cuz I. grew up severely like aggressive almost. like I was the parent, too. And I feel. like not having that mother figure and. that feminine energy made me pretty.

aggressive. Like I was feisty. I was. raised as a boy. I say it all the time. My dad only knew one way to raise me and. it was martial arts, four-wheeling, jet. skiing, snowmmoiling. I was raised a. boy. >> Yeah. >> There was no makeup in my house. Like I. remember Little Giants. Like I was that. girl. Yeah. >> Like why are you have cherry red. lipstick on? Like lip gloss. Like that's. not a thing. I was wearing like. >> F boo foo and Tommy Hilfiger and I was.

like a complete tomboy and like you. know. >> Is that why you were such a fighter? Because on the show you came in guns. ablazing and you were pretty like. >> I think I mean I want to say it I think. and I guess that would just be my. personality like that was just I there. was no nonsense. >> and as you know single family home there. is no nonsense. >> like if you want dinner and your dad's. working late you had to provide yourself. dinner like especially in the '9s and.

>> you know in the early 2000s like you. were there to raise yourself. Um I think. it's different in a mother single. household. >> because in a. >> it's more nurturing. I would imagine. >> I would imagine. >> if it was a normal. >> mother situation. Yes. >> Yes. The assumptions there. >> Yeah. We're just assuming at this point. Yeah. We're bonding right now over not. having moms over healthy moms. Um, so. moving on from that, which you know, shout out to your dad for stepping up to.

the plate because back then dads didn't. do that. And some people get mad at me. when I say that. They're like, "Yes, they did. My dad raised me, too." And I. I'm like, "Do you know how rare that. is?" Especially back then in the 80s, like for a single dad to raise girls. >> Yeah. >> It's wild. It's And that's why I treat. Bill the way I do now because I'm like, "You know what? >> Back then you didn't have to do that, but you did." And like, yeah, you're my. dad and technically you did have to do. it, but you didn't have to do it, you. know. So, >> can I ask you a question? >> Sure.

>> Did you know your mother's diagnosis. before you met her? >> Um, no. So, when she came back into my. they, my parents were were like kept. everything hush hush. I had a crazy. stepmom who my dad married who was. extremely abusive. And I mean, it was. just really bad. And they I didn't get. to see a picture of my real mom until I. was 18 years old. And I had to fight for. it. My dad had to was getting on a. plane. I don't I don't know if I've ever. told the story. I might have. My dad was.

getting on a plane after coming to visit. me cuz I had ran away from I left home. at 14 and never went back. >> I've done those before. >> Yeah. Never got a dollar from my. parents. Nothing. Like never looked. back. And um my dad had come out to. visit me and you know just make sure I. was okay or whatever, see where I was. living. and he was getting on the plane, but because my stepmom was so. overbearing, he couldn't let her know. that he was doing this. So, she walked. on the plane before him and he turned. around, reached in his pocket, hands me. a Ziploc freezer bag full of pictures.

and just runs on the plane. So, I'm left. to go sit in my car and look at these. pictures of my mom. And that was the. first time I ever had ever gotten to see. my mom. And so when she came back in my. life on the AOL situation, she was. trying to cause problems and you know, she was telling her version of the. truth. And my dad was just like, "You. cannot believe anything your mom says. She's a diagnosed paranoid. schizophrenic.". >> Yeah. >> And he's like, she told me she had six. brothers and sisters and when I met her.

mom, she was an only child, >> you know. So I was like, damn. So that. sent me on her whole thing. I was like, God, am I going to inherit that? And. like, >> so that's what I was going to ask. >> Yeah. The question was going to be like. >> if you knew her diagnosis, were you. scared to get it? >> Yeah. >> And did that. >> form like cuz I know it happens in your. early 20s. They say late teen, early. 20s. >> Wow. I thought I thought it could like. happen at any time like if you go under. too much stress or like. >> with drugs things but like there it. mostly happens if it's going to happen.

organic organically is what I heard is. it will happen from like 18 to 24. >> or stress induced or drug induced. certain drugs can bring it out. Um, so I. had like mandatory therapy growing up. because of it. >> Like the state required it or my dad. just lied and was like, "You need to go. therapy.". >> But. >> a he cared so much about you. He was. like, "He wanted to get ahead of the. problem if there ever was one.". >> Yeah. So, but by doing that, they.

informed me of these things. I don't. think that they should have, right? >> Health anxiety. >> Yeah. So I like early 20s went full tilt. thinking like if I'm going to have this. I'm going out like with a blaze. >> guns a blaze. >> got like fullblown joy like. >> like because um shout out to him by the. way he lives local to here. >> We love him. I just met him a couple. weeks ago at his m week music cares.

thing and I was so in awe cuz I grew up. in the rock era so Bonj was like a god. with his little blue jean shorts and. crop tops. >> That was my first concert with my dad. That's amazing. Oh my goodness. I love. >> He's iconic to me. >> No, same. >> I don't think he likes us cuz we're. Jersey, but like shout out to him. I'm a. super fan. >> Yeah, I love that. But in the early like. my early 20s, I really thought for like.

a solid six months to a year that like I. would end up like my mom and I hated. myself for that. And I like experimented. with drugs and alcohol and partying and. like not getting my [ __ ] together and. like resented my father for like. bringing me into this world that like I. didn't choose and really like hated I. don't know I just say I think I hated. the world cuz then I also grew up in an.

affluent neighborhood in upstate New. York. >> where everyone is you know. >> upper middle class and we didn't have. that and we were considered poor and I. was just like well like this this sucks. My school is all blonde blueeyed. cheerleaders that have like all the. money in the world to me that was a lot. of money. it was probably, you know, >> right. >> low six figures, but to me that was like. astronomical. Like, so I developed this.

like resentment and like hatred for like. the position I was put in. >> And it took until like. >> how crazy how crazy to be that young and. so kind of like aware of everything. going on. >> Aware, but it just I don't know. I wish. I I wish I could like hug my young self. and be like, "It's going to be okay. You. just got to go through it.". >> You can do that. You can visualize that. and do that. And it's so healing. I've. done it a few times in therapy.

>> Here's a question I got for you. >> Okay. >> Were you popular. >> in school? >> So, I don't know if I was popular. because I never wanted to follow the. crowd. So, if you were a cheerleader, barf. I didn't want to have anything to. do with it, you know? So, but I I was a. bully and I used to fight everybody. because I was getting beat up at home. So, I fought on the bus all the time or. I fought with girls all the time and. like that was my outlet was beating. people up. So, I don't know if I was.

cool but people just didn't with me. because I was always fighting. I was. very aggressive. I was always very, you. know, life of the party and I hung out. with the popular girls. But and one of. my best friends, Tasha, shout out Tasha. She was a she was like the cheer. cheerleader captain, but I was like her. emo friend who like, you know, was like. a tomboy. I used to wear boxers rolled. down and t-shirts and tennis shoes to. school. So, I don't know. I don't know. if I was popular. Yeah. I was just kind. of always danced to the beat of my own. drum and didn't care. >> I only asked because I felt very.

mirrored with you. Like this is giving. me mirrored image right now. I'm the. same because of my upbringing and. because of my position in life. I wasn't. popular, but I wasn't bothered. >> and nobody would try and bother me, >> right? >> And I I kind of migrated to like all the. groups. >> Same. >> I had like a friend in each, but like to. me, no friend at all. Like cuz I was. like, I'll fight for you, but like I. guarantee nobody would have fought for. me. >> Right. Oh, same. That's I I've always.

been that friend who and I'm always the. one who's the [ __ ] because I'll speak. up first. >> Same. >> And I always get made to look like the. villain, but I'm like I don't care, you. know, like this. Somebody has to say it, so I'm going to be the one to say it. >> And I I will say that life of me and. that part of me definitely transitioned. to the show. >> And I couldn't even hide it. >> So a lot of times people are like, "Oh, what is wrong with her? Why is she. quiet? Why is she this? Why is she that. on the show?" And I'm just like, "I'm. just trying to keep my mouth shut." And. it's just like it looks to be one thing, but it's just me trying to not be like.

who I am, >> which is a person that's ready to like. snap your neck for doing to me the wrong. thing. >> My life motto was don't start none, won't be none. >> It's always same. But it's hard on a. reality TV show because you don't know. how it's going to be edited and you. don't know how it's going to be. perceived and you don't know if you're. in the wrong cuz you're so in the. moment. >> Yeah. >> Cuz to me it feels right. Right. And then I've seen it play back and I'm. like, "Oh [ __ ] I wasn't in the right.

like I was or it wasn't being perceived. that way cuz you only have one viewpoint. rather than all eight.". >> Right. >> And there were times that I was like, I. wish I didn't do that. >> What is your biggest lesson you think. you've learned just being in the public. eye for as long as you have? >> Um, >> good and bad. For me, and this might be good and bad. For me, it wasn't like selling myself. Like, I notice a lot of people that go. on reality TV and they take that 15.

minutes and they do things that I don't. think they would normally do or they. would leave their significant others to. try and like go to LA and be something. that they're not. >> And I always stayed authentic to myself. And but I I don't know if that helped my. career or. like made it so I didn't reach my full. potential in the industry, >> right? >> Because what if I did move to LA? What. if I did pursue the things that I wanted.

to do? What if I did date, you know, a. football player like they all do or a. basketball player? what if I did like. pursue more PR and put myself out there. and you know do the roles that I were. offered but because I'm so introverted. and because I just like being me um I. didn't pursue those things. >> Yeah. >> And I always question like is that was. that the best option for me or. >> you would have been just like them. I.

think I think how you've gone on your. journey has set yourself apart from. everybody. And when people have so much. access to you, it gets watered down. So. the fact that you're almost 20 years in. on your in your public platform and. you're just now sitting down doing. podcasts for yourself, like that speaks. volumes because normally people would. have gone and capitalized off of what. they could have, you know, and you're. just kind of doing it on your own time. >> Yeah. Yeah. I dig that. It's and I don't. even know why. Like right now I couldn't.

even tell you. It It was just like. >> You're just ready. >> I am ready. But I I'm a fan. Like I'm a. huge fan of yours. >> I know. I'm like I was just like it's so. sweet. >> Your podcasts are so And I was telling. my fiance this earlier, warm and. welcoming. >> and they're not for clickbait. And. they're not about like. >> taking someone down while bringing. someone up. It's just like authent.

And I'm like, you know, these these are. the people that if I was to do a. podcast, which I normally wouldn't, like. this is what I would want to do it with. Like these are the people I want to be. with when I do it. >> I appreciate that. That is like such a. sweet compliment. And it's hard for me. to ever I tell everybody you got to take. your flowers while you're here, but when. people give it to me, I get like all. squirmy and I'm like, "Hey, want to make. out?" You know, like I say something. weird. But I appreciate that and thank.

you so much because I've really worked. so hard on this podcast to kind of set. myself apart from all the rest of them. because I've been doing this for so. long, you know, and for you to be able. to see what I'm trying to do just makes. me so happy. >> I see it and I'm a fan. >> I appreciate you. Let's circle back um. to your childhood. So you're growing up. with dad. You are going to school and. then you get out of school and you go to. college for graphic design. Yeah. So we. didn't have a lot of money growing up,

but my dad loved taking me to Disney. every few years. And when I was a. teenager, I was got to go to Disney with. my dad, which I'm still a huge fan of. >> Don't you have a Disney sleeve? >> Yes. >> Yeah. Um, and I wanted to be a Disney animator. >> So, I started going to college for like. software development and CGI and. computer graphics and animation. And um, I'll just be honest, I was awful.

at it. >> I can't draw a [ __ ] stick figure. So, >> I can draw. >> I admire people who can, >> but it takes a different breed of person. to do what animators do. I mean, you're. in a room 60, 80, 100 hours a week, you. know, animating seaweed for a movie. >> So, during college when I was in New York. City, um, I got like this kind of like. this little offer like, do you want to. be on a Guido voting off show on VH1?

I was like, sure. Um, and this when I. was like 22, 23, but fast forward, um, when I was going to take my last year of. college to graduate to do something, I. had no idea what I was going to do cuz. again, even though I was going to. college for it, I didn't think I had the. ability to do so. Mhm. >> Um, it was do my final year or go on a. show that was just recently bought by. MTV, no longer VH1. And it was recasted.

as like a a real world. >> Mhm. >> And they're like, "Do you want to do. that again without knowing anything?". >> Yeah. >> It was just you're going to show up in. New Jersey and you'll either be on it or. you won't at 25. And looking back, like. 25, I couldn't even wipe my own ass. I. don't know how we like send troops off. at 18 cuz like like even like raising. children 18 I try to tell everybody that. like 21 22 you're still babies. >> babies.

>> and everybody people get mad at me for. saying that. are like they're old. enough, they're adults, they're they. need to be held accountable. And I'm. like cuz I'll have like, you know, youngans on the youngans, you know, 21, 22 year olds on the podcast. And I'm. like, you're just a baby. And people in. the comments will be like, they're not. babies. And I'm like, this is a baby. Like I you don't know what you're do at. 21. You're not doing what you're doing. at 21, at 41. That's for sure. >> 100%. And I see it all the time. And. looking back, I'm like, you were a child. and it was a blessing.

>> and I it was the best experience of my. life and it still is. But like I still. think until you're 30, you were a child. >> Yeah, absolutely. >> You have to go through some hardit to be. like an adult in my eyes before the age. of 25 years old. >> For sure. Is there anything you regret. about going on Jersey Shore? Um, I wouldn't say regret, but I would. say I wish I was more prepared. But I. don't believe any of us production, MTV, Biacom, the cast, any of us were.

prepared for what that show was going to. be. >> Mhm. >> And I I will say this, I do regret going. in um so closed off. So, a lot of my roommates like had. brothers and sisters. I'm an only child. >> They lived with people in college. So, you've had more experiences. I went in. never living with another person besides. my dad, >> never having the shock value of like. having roommates and sharing a bathroom,

the different personalities. >> Different personalities. So, it was so. like when people are like, "Oh, you were. quiet or you're this or you're that." I. was just shut off. >> Like, it was a culture shock to me. >> You take me as a type of person who. reads energy, too. Like you may not even. realize that you're doing it, but you're. assessing the situation. >> before you jump into it. >> Yes. And that's just like, oh, she's, you know, the the best parts were like, oh, she's high or she's she's on like I.

get that all the time now. She's on. Xanax in episodes or she's. >> same. I have like natural downer. personality as it is. Like if I did any. of those things during the day, I would. be drooling in a corner somewhere. I. can't I could lick I could smell his. annex and I'll pass out. >> And it's it's just me being me. Like I'm. if I'm not assessing the situation, I'm. completely like zoned out. I'm I'm. literally thinking about like what I.

have to do in 3 days with my daughter. and cheerleading or like I am just. completely desensitized and. disassociated. >> Disassociated. That's that's a good. word. But because of all the trauma that. you went through as such a young girl, you probably do disassociate. >> and I do that on the red carpets too. So. getting back to how it's so overwhelming. a. >> so I have stage fright. So when all. those photographers or all those people. are like yelling and like saying. everything, I completely disassociate or.

I'll disassociate on the show when I. know something's going to happen that. I'm like. >> preparing for and I'm just like, you. know, here it comes. But like my facial. expressions give I guess I give Xanax or. frozen Botox which I need right now by. the way very badly. >> Your skin is beautiful by the way. I've. been checking it out this whole time. You don't have one flaw on your skin. It's amazing. >> No surgery like everyone says. But I do. do injections like. >> I think it's because you have beautiful.

cheekbones. Any Cuz I have cheekbones. too. Anybody that has cheekbones we get. accused of having facial surgery. >> Yeah. >> And I get it. I understand because. people have the bal fat removal and like. the cheek implants, but sometimes people. just have natural cheeks. >> Yeah. >> You know, and mine are more prominent. when I'm thinner. >> and my weight fluctuates like day turns. into night cuz I'm either like an. emotional leader or I just like. >> during co I probably gained like 25 lbs.

>> I think we all gained weight during. >> but so everyone after that it's like oh. my god she's changed so much. She looks. so different. And it's just like no, I I. checked myself cuz during co I'm sure it. wasn't great for a lot of people, but. like there was a lot of drinking and. eating. It was very unnecessary in my. household. >> I did not work out. I was drinking a. bottle of wine a night, >> facetiming my girlfriends and it caught. up. But um so I lost I I finally got my. together and I lost the weight, but.

everyone's like, you know, the surgery. and she's frozen and she looks. medicated. It's just like, no, I'm just. I'm 38, turning 39. I'm on a reality. show now. I have children. >> Having children is a different ball. game. Being on TV, I don't want to. misrepresent my family. I don't ever. want my children to look back at me and. be like, >> "How dare you?". >> Because it's also a new age. 2009. >> is not 2024 and the way we live. What we. said and did in 2009,

>> you cannot do today. And even just as an. older woman, I wouldn't do. >> Yeah. >> And um all that is flooding into me. every time I film or every time I'm on. the red carpet or every time I'm moving. and I just straight up disassociate and. I'm just like, well, let's think about. something else in my head. >> Do you think you'll ever stop filming? >> I hope not. >> Yeah, >> I really hope not. I think our fans are. growing up with us. Um,

>> they've grown. They've grown up with you. and then now you guys have a new. generation that you guys are raising. >> Those are funny. >> Yeah, >> those are funny. First off, like I'll go. to the awards and I'll have like a. 20-year-old be like, I watched you and. I'm like, did where was your mother? >> Your mom ain't my mom. Where was your. mother? >> Cuz you were not supposed to be watching. me at 8 years old. A. >> but that's what I mean when like you. were at you were that big sister or even. possibly a mother figure to you know. these kids that.

>> grew up watching you. >> Yeah. It's it is beautiful to see and I. always try and think of that. I'll. always be myself but I'll always have. that kind of like in the back of my head. doing television like what would your. daughter think of you in this moment? >> Yeah. But but. old teenage Jenny is always there. This. is just my personality. And I'm sure. with you, >> our personality is our personality. Our.

childhoods are what built us, >> created us, and made us. >> Um the little bit of mandated therapy I. did in as a child is okay. But I am so. pro- advocate therapy. >> But I don't do therapy today, >> right? I live with my demons and I like. it. >> I live with my trauma. >> friends with them. Yeah. >> Yeah. I became friends with my demons. I. became friends with my trauma. It's. segueing into something that I want to. try new in this world that I did during.

co um because I think I can translate. those demons and that trauma into art. >> where if you can't do that because I. think I am just an artist because that. was my dream as a child to grow up and. you know. >> do Disney um and become an animator. I. want to I want to change my trauma and I. want to take my trauma and like just. turn it into art in other ways. Whereas. if I had someone come up to me tomorrow.

and was like, you know, um my son has. this or my daughter has this or I'm. experienced this trauma, I would 100%. advocate for therapy, right? >> But for me personally, I you know, I. could just rant all the time my trauma. and I don't know, I would love to know. your side too of how you feel with that. Like. >> Yeah. So I think I focusing on you. really quick. I think that you feel that. way about therapy now because you were. forced to do it as a child too. >> Possibly. >> I was forced to do it as a child. So.

when I was going through my super. rebellious stage, I was like this. I'm. not doing therapy. Nothing. And then. 2019, I got my implants taken out and I. had a miscarriage and it sent me into. aing spiral. And I'm telling you, the. suicidal ideiation was something I had. never dealt with before. And when you. talk about being like your becoming like. your mom, that was my biggest fear in. that moment. I was like, this is it. This is my breaking point. Like, this. is, you know, I'm never going to be able. to pull myself out of it. And, you know,

that's when I got back into therapy. because I was like, I have to let this. out somehow. I didn't have a creative. outlet besides the podcast, you know, but I don't trauma dump on the podcast. I like I prefer other people to trauma. dump. Um, so I did get back into therapy. and I learned to fall in love with it. because I learned to look at it as a way. of kind of psychoanalyzing myself and. figuring out what I needed to do to. heal. That doesn't mean that. >> Oh, that's beautiful. >> That doesn't mean that that has to be. your story. I think turning trauma into.

art is an amazing, you know, analogy. And I think that that's beautiful also. >> That's No, that's beautiful, too. Like I. um I'm so sorry though. May I ask why. you got your implants removed? >> Um sure. >> Only because I recently had to get mine. redone. >> Wow. Okay. Yeah. So, I was going through. um I was having like these like I have. severe anxiety and I was I had just got. out of an abusive relationship when Jay.

and I met in 2016. And so I'd never. healed from that and I had to heal. during the beginning of our relationship. with with my husband. Um I was having. these panic attacks. Um I couldn't like. go to the concerts because it looked. like I was on acid. Like the room would. like start melting. I couldn't see. people's faces. Like it was really bad. And I had also recently got sober. I got. sober in 2017 off of Xanax and Lauraabs. And then I got so and uh cocaine. And. then I got sober off alcohol in 2018.

>> Congratulations. >> Thank you so much. So I think a whole it. was just a whole smorgas board of never. going my whole life feeling anything. because I was always numbing. >> to where when I was just like I've got. to figure out what's going on with my. body. And then also my left boob was. like swelling so high and like it was. just like you couldn't touch it and you. could feel like something in here. Like. it was crazy. So it was just like a. bunch of things and I was like you know. what? I'm going to get my implants out.

Maybe that'll help my mental health as. well as get the swelling to go down. And. so I got my I didn't have BII. I did. have symptoms of BII, but I don't breast. implant illness, but I don't know if I. can claim that I had breast implant. illness cuz I know. >> capsular contraction. >> Some women battle that. So they went in. and they did the surgery. My implant. folded in half and scar tissue started. growing around it. So that was why my. left implant started getting so big. I.

had no idea a implant could fold in. half. >> If Frankie can back me on this, my. producer in July, I had the same thing. No way. I that's why my jaw d my left. boob I boxed and I tore my muscle and my. implant folded and I had a capsular. contraure and my implant tried to go. through my shoulder. >> Oh my god. Through the tear. It tore and. I had to have like an emergency removal.

>> Oh my god. I just got goosebumps. >> Yeah. And um didn't think never knew. that was a thing. Had them for 10 years. >> Not an issue. that one day where they. and it just tore them where it tore the. scar tissue developed because it's. realizing it's a foreign object and it's. trying to push it out. >> and I had to go in an emergency surgery. and I'm only laughing cuz I was like, "Oh my god, someone else experienced. that.". >> No, that's wild. You're the only other. person, anybody else I've told that to,

they're like, "How did it fold in half?". I'm like, "I have no clue. Do we know. how yours folded in half?" like the um. when I tore my muscle was swollen and it. just like kind of like curved it over. Yeah. And it just started like. manipulate. But my arm went numb. Like I. was like tingly. It felt like I thought. I was having a stroke like tingly. My. arm my fingers were going numb. I. couldn't lift my arm over my head. >> and it just looked like high. >> And. >> were you in pain too?

>> So much pain. >> And then I started getting bigger. >> Yeah. So it it technically wasn't. bigger, it was longer. >> Oh god. >> Cuz it was like it was. >> it was trying to squeeze out. >> So my plastic surgeon said I that was. the first time I did shoulder surgery. >> He found part of my implant in my. shoulder. >> Oh my gosh. Do you have saline or. silicone? >> Silicone. >> Oh my gosh, that's scary. >> I was like dying for pictures and. videos. He did not take any. I was so. mad cuz I was like, I want to see. So he.

had to go in and pull the implant from. like inside the pit shoulder. >> Oh my gosh. >> You couldn't see it up here, but like in. pictures I'm like, "Oh my like I didn't. realize how high it was.". >> Oh my gosh. >> But the pain the pain is like out of. this world. >> Wow. >> As you know. >> Yeah. >> And so are they gone? Gone. >> They're gone. Gone. These are mine. >> Good for you. >> Thank you. I mean, listen, I tell. everybody if I'm feeling froggy when I'm. 60 and want to get these old saggy, runny eggs [ __ ] up here, I might get.

some implants when I'm all, you know, two feet in the grave. But right now, I'm just, you know, I I think that. aesthetic that I had, I was, you know, the super big boobs and just super. bleached hair. It's like I think as you. get older, you try to go like more of a. natural route. And I love fake boobs. I. the way they sit, the way they look, love them. But I just my body just. rejected them. >> Same. And I I said to him this last. time, I said, "If it happens again, because now I have this like pocket from.

the muscle tear that if my body rejects, >> so this is what happens when you have. something like this." And I'd love to. share this because people don't realize. >> BI or things that can go wrong or. capsular contraure or things of this. nature and how plastic surgery and this. is why I'm not I'm an advocate for. plastic surgery, but I'm always like, you have to know. A to Z when it comes to plastic surgery. So because of this situation and because. my body decided to reject my implant.

later in life, >> I had to get, thank God, not option A, but I will explain option A. Um, I had. to get a a human donor mesh. >> to wrap around my implant so my body. wouldn't reject it again. >> Oh my gosh. So this is like my last. chance. >> What is that made out of? God forbid. I'm assuming an accident. where someone donated their. their I don't know. And.

>> what is it? Is it like a Is it skin. muscle? >> I wish I could tell you. It's a mess. >> We'll have to Google that. Can one of. you guys Google that. >> for me? >> So, um the other option which was a. which really kind of upsetted me because. I don't eat pork. I haven't in over a. decade was pigkin. >> Oh. So going into this emergency. surgery, I thought I was going to have. to have pig skin wrapped around it. And. it's just a way so your body doesn't. reject the implant. It doesn't look like. it as a foreign object,

>> right? >> So they So I'm assuming it might be. human skin is the option, secondary. option, >> but thankfully he was able to get that. instead of pig because I was like the. irony here, of course I don't eat peg. pig for 10 years and. >> and now I'm going to have it inside of. me. Um, is it a personal choice or. religious choice for the pig? >> Personal. I fell in love with pigs. >> A. >> and I wanted I don't know. I love. animals more than humans. Um, and when I.

fell in love with pigs, I look at them. different now. >> Yeah. >> Um, >> it's fat. >> Okay. >> Weird. >> Yeah, that is weird because you would. think fat would disintegrate. >> Donor fat. >> That is Yeah. So it's just so like. wherever they cut you open to put the. implant, they mesh it. >> So your body, there's a barrier between. your body and the implant for rejection. purposes. That is wild. When they. pulled, so they he gave me my implants. after he pulled them out.

>> There's. >> I'm mad at my doctor now. >> There's floating around in them. I did a. TikTok on it. There's literally like you. can hold it up and see and I had saline. And I didn't do silicone, but you can. see just floating around in the bag. >> Oh my god. So, it penetrated inside the. bag. >> I don't know. I don't know what it is. I. don't know what's in there, but it is. gross. I was just like, golly, this is. And if some And again, it's saline. It's. not silicone. So, you know, if that if. something can creep into a saline valve, that's a little scary. >> That is um Yeah. So, but your way I I.

reduced mine, but if this happens again, I'm taking them out. >> Yeah. I love it. >> I have some flapjack titties. I don't. care. >> No, it the body is so resilient. I. thought I was going to have flapjacks. The body is so resilient that your boobs. fluff back up. >> It's wild. They fluff back up. So, I. have like little perky and I I did a. tiny lift with a micro surgeon. So, I. don't have really bad scarring. As long. as you have a micro surgeon do your. lift, it's it's they look really good. I. did a lift cuz I went from a G to a C.

>> and I I have to be like I'm so happy. because I barely see them and it's only. it hasn't been long. >> So when um I think when I can get like a. laser or something or like a scar. reduction, I think they'll be gone. But. absolutely. My praying though to the. gods that it doesn't happen again. >> No, it won't. And we won't speak that in. your life. But my friend does uh scar. tattooing in Vegas if you ever want to. go to him and he can get rid of any. scars that you have. >> Ooh. Yeah, it's amazing. They do flesh. colored, you know, tones.

>> So, t uh tell me about your relationship. with Nicole. How did you guys become. best friends? And are you guys really. best friends in real life? >> Yes, I will say. I mean, I spoke to her. all this morning. Um. I I can't even say how it happened. And. maybe she needed an older sister cuz. she's an only child and I needed a. younger sister cuz I'm an only child. And we just our personalities are so. different that it just worked.

>> She's just so sweet and innocent and. pure and tiny. >> Snookie is sweet and innocent. >> She really is. She is dayto-day and I. look up to her even though she's. literally a foot shorter than me. >> because she's she's just this like. she she doesn't like confrontation where. I'll take confrontation headon. >> Mhm. >> And that's where her sweetness comes. from. Like she doesn't want to fight. She's she just wants to have a good.

time. She just wants to have party and. and like here's the best example and. she'll probably be like, "Why'd you talk. about this?" But like 6 months ago at. her summer house, she invited me off. camera. >> This girl has ride or die high schooler. friends, a dozen of them. >> I can't say that about me. >> No, >> I have like one or two, but because I. moved to New York City and went to. college and separated from everyone cuz. I needed to escape my childhood. >> I don't have that. and she took me into.

her circle of friends and her best. friend since high school and me started. crying over how much we loved this girl. and how much we love protecting her. >> So, her best friend Steph was worried. that I was going to take the position. and I always thought I was worried that. I was overstepping Steph. her best. friend since like three years old was. like, "I'm so happy she has you in this. life. >> to protect her in this industry where I.

can't.". >> And I was just sobbing and I was like, "Thank you so much for allowing me into. her life." But we just being completely. different people, we just work. >> and that might just be the reason why. we're so close and we talk a hundred. times a day. >> and we're our kids godp parentents or. and you know her firstborn is my. godchild and I love him like I just love. her kids unconditionally and my daughter.

knows that that's her aunt and my. daughter knows like [ __ ] is her cousin. and they talk every day. >> But I look up to her in the sense that. she is one of the most amazing parents. She took the world by storm by getting. pregnant early on. >> to the point where like Dr. Drew was. like, "Defus should be called on you if. we find out you're drinking." Like. really like the world was not ready for. Snookie to be pregnant, >> right? But by doing by but by choosing. to have Lorenzo and saying this is going.

to be my life. Nicole immersed and. she'sing. incredible. I look up to her for. business advice. She owns all these. beautiful stores. Mother advice. Like. she she can take on any task and own it. >> And she's still sooky. >> Yeah. >> She still wants to party and have a good. time. I would be exhausted in bed by 2. p.m. Like she's still like, "Let's rage. and we're going out till 6:00 a.m." I.

could never. >> Yeah. >> And that's where my personality is like, "Bring it back.". >> Yeah. >> I'm going to reel you in. >> You might be the calm to her chaos. >> I think so. And I think when we're. filming, we need that. >> We need each other. Like there is not. like I I could use you. No, it's it's. really like I need you. >> and we're so ride or die. I don't care. who's wrong, who's right. Like, she is. like, I'm going to be in a nursing home. with her. >> Yeah. >> Next to my mother.

>> You guys are each other's emotional. support humans. >> We are. And I'm so thankful for her. because I don't think if any other. scenario would have came into play or. our past would have crossed in any other. light, we would be who we are together. >> It took being on the show together to. make us bond in the way that we do. But. I h she's my favorite favorite little. person. Just my little like tiny. >> your little nugget. >> She is she's my little nugget. She's my. little squirrel I call her.

>> I love that. >> Yeah. >> Last um question about Jersey store and. then I want to move on to your kids. >> How do you feel about Sam being back? >> That one was emotional. >> Yeah, >> because and I hope she agrees. Um, we. were super close before Jersey Shore. Family Vacation came back. We weren't. really that close during the first six. seasons of Jersey Shore, but after that, um, I thought we were really close.

>> And it hurt so much when she didn't come. back. But again, this was me being. young, not seeing it through her lens, not seeing it through her eyes with her. ex, cuz I don't think I would ever go. back on a show where my ex was. >> Yeah. And I got bitter. And I got bitter. to the point where I was like hating on. her because I was like, why do you hate. us so much? You won't come back to us. >> But now her being back is such a. blessing. No. >> And it's like we haven't skipped a beat. And she's added to like group chat. We.

speak almost every day. And it's it's. the Sam I've always wanted that I was. never able to experience on a show cuz. her and I. and I don't know why cuz I wouldn't say. we had the same personality traits. Her. and I could never click the way that I. always wanted to click with her in the. original Jersey Shore, >> right? >> And we just developed that relationship. before Family Vacation and then it was. like stripped. >> But now we have the relationship I've. always wanted with her. And I'm not, and.

I'll be honest, I'm not a girls girl. >> Right. It. >> But yeah, you got to fold me. I think. you are more of a girls girl than you. give yourself credit for. >> Authentic girls, >> right? Gota. >> And it's very hard, especially being on. TV, to find someone that authentically. wants to be my friend. >> I think it's easier for like maybe guys. or I just end up like gravitating. towards guys cuz there's no drama, >> right? But to be an authentic friend is. so hard, especially like a woman trying.

to find another woman that. >> I agree. That's why I have my tribe and. I'm obsessed with that. I agree with. you. Finding an authentic girl gang is. really hard, but it's like once you find. those people, they are literally family. >> You can't let them go. >> at all. It's It's amazing. And I have. one, and I say one friend from when I. was in my single digit years old that I. will never let go to like the day I die. Like, she is my ride or die. And I found.

a few along the way. But to say that I. have girlfriends on a show that I've. been with for 15 years that I could call. tomorrow or right now and say, "I need. your help.". >> I know these girls would pick up. >> Yeah. >> Nicole especially. >> She'd be like, "What the you do?". >> But she'd pick up. And that's and that's the most special. part of the show. But I will also say. that might actually be our downfall. >> of the show, not our relationship. because there's not enough drama. >> because we protect each other more than.

I think any other show. And the boys. too. >> Yeah. >> There's something about us that drives. our producers nuts that we will. literally side text each other like is. this okay. >> a. >> or am I okay? that you guys have learned. that through the years because honestly. and you know this is not me. disrespecting Jersey Shore in any way. but you guys have been through some. trauma and on this show you know so now. you guys actually have personal. boundaries that you guys don't want to. cross with each other. >> 100% and you'll see that.

>> family is involved now. >> 100% and you'll see that with Sam with. this new season that's airing um Sam is. going to meet Ron soon. >> and it's been a decade and I got chills. and From the girls perspective, we were riding and dying for Sam. >> As much as we love Ron, I told Sam in. the show, and I don't know if it's going. to air or not, we don't get to see it. ahead of time. >> I need to be a girl's girl for you. >> because ever since the note, I wasn't.

So, and even though I didn't know what. was going on in the note and I only took. information I heard and I wanted to send. it to you anonymously, it's whatever. Cuz again, a 25-year-old, you're a child. and you don't know how to handle things. But. >> but in the note, you were warning her. about him, weren't you? >> Yes. And. >> that was kind of a girl's girl move. >> It was. It was being diplomatic because. what I was warning her about a lot of. people don't realize Nicole and I never. witnessed. >> Right. >> So, we were just being told that.

information. >> Gotcha. >> And we can move on from it and it's like. it's, you know, it's buried. But like we. were kind of like being like, well, if. it's not true, nobody's hurt. If it is. true, then the information is known, >> right? >> But this season that's airing, I am like. >> I need to be your girl. >> I need to have your back. And whatever. you don't feel comfortable with, like, I'm going to have your back. >> Yeah. >> And I can't wait for the viewers to see. how it plays out. >> Good. because even though I don't know, I was there and um I don't ever want her.

to leave and I don't ever want her to. feel like she's not in a safe place. >> So that is where I say I I do love girls. and I am a girl, but it's to a very few. I think you get to a space in life. though where we aren't who we were in. our 20s and as you get older you realize. that you want that feminine energy. around you. Like even if you hung out. with nothing but dudes your whole life, there comes a point in your life where. you just want the softness. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah. I couldn't agree more. >> And it's beautiful if it's the right. >> group that you have. It's very and you. want to ride or die for them. >> Yeah. Absolutely. Well, I think they're. lucky to have you on their side. >> So, let's move on to the babies. >> I read somewhere that you actually um. around the time of your grandma's. passing that you had a miscarriage. yourself. Uh yeah, I actually think it. was within like 48 hours. >> Oh my goodness. >> Yeah, I flew to LA that for my book. I.

um didn't even expect I didn't know what. I wanted to do. I just thought I was in. the heightened spot of my life. And. having a kid, I was just like it was all. such I was shocked. But I went to my. doctor and I realized there was no more. heartbeat. And then I had to live with that trauma. >> So you knew you were pregnant. Okay. So. you knew you were pregnant. >> early on before like the 12 week mark. >> Gotcha. So it wasn't like a surprise. miscarriage. It was I mean it was a.

surprise but you knew you were pregnant. >> I knew but I knew something was wrong. I. don't know if when it happened with you. It just you I just didn't feel something. was wrong. >> Oh yeah. >> And then um. >> us as women we just know our bodies. >> Yeah. And I had to like pick myself off. the floor. It was like it was such a. awful I'll never forget the feeling. I. don't remember the moment. I remember. the feeling of just being like, >> I have to go to a book signing and I had. to pick myself off the floor.

>> and then I get um I had like three book. sightings or something in like LA County. and I was at my third one and I get the. call and it was like 10 or 11 p.m. our. time, which is like 2:00 a.m. East Coast. and it was my dad and I just knew. >> You I didn't even have to like answer. I. just knew. And when I tell you the from. what happened with the baby, which seems. so insignificant to my grandmother, it.

was just game over for me. Like I was. just a shell, true shell of a human. being, >> that was rough. And we had to go film. like a month later Italy. >> Oh, >> which was, you know, and when you film. there at that time, no cell phone, no. internet, no TV, no anything, pens, papers, nothing. um you're just you're. just in it. And I think Italy because I. couldn't like. uh escape or numb myself. I had to like.

deal with those demons. And I was just I. was probably 100 I'm 140 lbs walking. Like this is my weight. I was probably. 120 lbs in Italy. >> I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to. sleep. I was at that point I was like, you know, can I take drugs to to end my. life? Like the suicidal thoughts come. into place cuz like pain sucks. >> Pain is terrible.

>> Grieving is Yeah. grief is just like. debilitating. And then to have cameras. in your face. >> and they didn't even know. >> They knew, but they didn't know the. extent. They didn't know about my mom. They didn't know that, you know, my. grandmother is someone that raised me. Like, they didn't they didn't know. So, it's like production couldn't even step. in to help because I was I was just a. shell. Like, I wanted the hate. Like, I. wanted to feel like the piece of that I. was. Like, I didn't want to feel better.

or to grieve or to um go get therapy, which I really should have at that time. >> It was I don't even think it was an. option for me. Like to me there was no. options besides like you are. >> just that you know just this is how. you're supposed to feel and I wanted to. numb it all. It was it was pretty. trying. >> I don't know how you even it us as women. are so resilient when it comes to our. emotions because to film while you're. having suicidal ideiation is.

>> I couldn't even imagine. I know. I was. in a room, a dark room, and I remember. Jay came in and he just held me one time. because I drove myself to the hospital. cuz I and I had called my mom on the way. there and I was like, I am having these. thoughts of where I just don't want to. be here anymore and it's scaring me so. I'm taking myself to the hospital and. she like calmed me down. I couldn't. imagine having to go and film in another. country at that too while going through. that. >> Yeah. And so the miscarriage, I didn't.

even have to speak on that. >> because my grandmother died. So I was. just like, you know, and I actually. spoke about this on Jersey Shore family. vacation when we came back cuz Mike was. just recently sober and clean and I was. experienc I was explaining to him my. experience with drugs because I've. dabbled. I've always been like the. partyier and stuff, but at that point. right before Italy, I tried. speedballing. Oh [ __ ] To roll the dice. So it wasn't like an intentional, but I.

was like, we're going to roll the dice. >> When you say speedball, what was it? >> Um, it was I'm I'm pretty sure it was uh. Xanax and cocaine. >> Okay, gotcha. >> Like a a a lower and an upper at the. like at the same time. >> Yeah, that was that considered is that. considered. >> I think speedballs are heroin and meth. So that's why I wanted to clarify. I wanted to clarify that. I could be. wrong though. >> 2012 version or 11 version. No, it was.

um a downer and an upper. >> Gotcha. >> It was my first script of Xanax because. they were giving it to me to get through. the um the funeral. >> and it was like it was just a band-aid, right? >> I love the way Xanax makes me feel. You. just forget everything. It was and it. was only one script and then I'm a. natural downer so when I took it I was. like falling asleep. >> but I partied early 20s so then I was. like. >> drank on it and it's. >> drink and so I was like well I want.

cocaine now. >> to keep me up and then I was just like. well I don't care about my life so let. me add alcohol and then I would be like. too high so then I would be like let me. go back down. >> and it was shortlived it was a couple. weeks of my life but I literally in. those few weeks before filming. And. thank goodness that I was able to go. filming because it probably saved my. life because you can't access those. things in Italy, >> right? >> And then I dropped all that weight so. quickly because I was just trying to.

numb myself to the point where I was. like, I'm okay if I don't wake up. tomorrow. >> Like I'm I'm okay. And um I think Italy on on one aspect, as bad as it was, it probably did save. me because the thing with Italy is we. rolled right into New Jersey without. going home. >> So this was like 70 days of being away. from friends and family. It was like. >> 30ome in Italy, 30ome in Jersey. We. touched down at JFK. We went right into.

a hotel. We took our Italy clothes and. went right into New Jersey. >> Jeez, that is grueling. >> It It is. And it's not like what we. would normally do, >> but we wanted to keep this momentum. going. And it was, you know, it was. production. But that honestly probably. saved my life cuz it forced me. >> not to deal with everything, but at. least forced me to not get worse, >> right? >> I wasn't able to access anything. I. wasn't able to be my own demise. I was, you know, even though we were partying.

and drinking and hanging out and doing. things like there were no drugs on the. table. And you had the group around you. too. So that probably helps in the. healing process. >> And it's weird like. >> indirectly. >> Yeah. Filming it takes you out of your. reality. Even though it is reality, it's. it's not. >> right. >> So you feel like this level of busyiness. and you're like, well, I'll do this, I'll do that. Where I grieved when. season 5 was over, but I grieved in like. a healthier way. >> because time passed,

>> right? And I was really able to digest. her death and like what happened in. February and like how everything. transpired. >> Um that's amazing though. >> And actually it was yesterday. >> the anniversary. Oh my goodness. >> It just came up on the memories cuz it. was a week before my birthday. >> Wow. >> Yeah. >> Oh my goodness. That's wild. Isn't it. crazy how life comes like full circle? >> Yeah. >> It's wild. >> Let's talk about a happier subject.

>> Okay. Let's talk about your little. feisty Spitfire, your daughter. Yes. My. one and only, my one and only, my. princess. Yeah. >> Um I always say I can have a thousand. Graysons and it's just because. >> there's something about just to me. having my one princess that I just want. to put my all into. And she truly is a. spitfire. She's a mini version of me, but she will also call me out of my. >> She's not damaged like I was growing up. M. >> So, she has a beautiful p perspective in.

life. Watching the Barbie movie really. put it in perspective for me cuz as I'm. crying over the trauma that the Barbie. movie shows you, she's laughing at all. like the funny mannerisms and like. quirky things. And I'm just like. >> that right there put in perspective that. I'm raising her right where she doesn't. understand anything. She doesn't. understand America Ferrer's like speech. and what's it like to be a woman yet and.

like the demise of like you know how how. beautiful it is to be a woman but also. how it can be your demise like you can. there's like there's a ceiling when it. comes to women sometimes. >> society builds you up to tear you down. >> Yeah. Yeah. And uh but she like so for. Grayson a thousand Grayson's I can deal. but like for me like she's my she's my. princess. She is my she's just. everything to me. You had said something. in that interview the one that I had.

referenced earlier in the the Vile Files. podcast. you had said that you know you. and I thought this was it almost made me. cry like I literally I was making dinner. listening to it and I started like. tearing up but you said I realized there. was I had to love her differently I. don't know how how if I'm say wording it. correctly but you said I I learned that. I had to love her differently like you. couldn't fight fire with fire with your. daughter and you said that you would go. in there and when she's having one of. her you know fits you'll hug her or even. afterwards you guys take space and then.

you come back in and you hug her and you. won't let go until she she lets go. >> Yeah. >> And I was like, h that just like the. mother wound in me, mother trauma wound. I was like, h that is so deep. I did. that last night, actually. >> Oh, >> yeah. Yeah. She, you know, and I always. say like nature versus nurture, right? Because she didn't have the childhood I. have. She has two great parents and she. has a great stepfather and like she has. the world. >> at her fingertips. Like she is not poor.

with a single parent by no means. She. has everything. >> and she has my personality. That fire, that anger that I'm not going to back. down. And I'm like, >> is this a genetic thing? Like is this. nature or is it like I always thought it. was how I was raised, but to me, she's. me as a child, but like I was raised by. my dad. I always say that like grandpa. raised me. You have no right. You have a. mom. like as a joke, but like she will.

come at me 10 times far like harder than. I will come at her. And I knew the day. that like she swore at four and I had to. do the dawn and she spit it out and. she's like, "Try harder next time." At. four or four or five cuz I just moved. into the new house and it's been 5. years. I knew that I had a different. breed of child on my hands and it was. magnificent to see. I was like, "Well, can you just at least listen to me?" Cuz. I'm like, "You're going to take the.

world by storm. You're never going to. back down." But I knew disciplining. was not going to be the discipline that. I grew up with, >> right? >> And even though I don't believe in. spanking or corporal punishment or all. these type of tactics, that's what I. grew up to and that's what I knew is. discipline. >> Same. >> So discipline in my house, I wouldn't. even say it's discipline. I just think. it's um. it's just like changing lanes. >> Yeah. >> It's you can have your feelings, but.

there needs to be a level of respect. And if you're feeling angry, there are. words that we can't say during that. anger. And if you need to swear, you go. to the bathroom and you swear. Or if you. need to like get it out, there needs to. be other ways because. >> I'm sure with you that corporal. punishment didn't work for you either. didn't work. >> More rebellious. >> Exactly. >> Yeah. >> So, I knew going into parenting and I. didn't know that I would have two such. extreme children that I had to learn and.

grow with them. And that was really this. has been one of the most challenging. parts of parenting. And they don't make. a book on this. >> They don't teach you, you know, they. teach you A, B, and C. They don't teach. you the nittygritty of like this child. You know, my son, if I like, I'm going. to spank you. Oh, I'm out. I'm done. He's good. Like, I don't I never spank. them, but if I say like, Grayson, do you. really want me to spank you? Oh, mom, I'm straightening up. I'm good. If I.

said that to my daughter, >> she'll be like, "Bring it on.". >> Yeah. She will snap her neck and be. like, "Try it.". >> She'd be like, "Wait till I'm your. size.". Oh, she's she's but it's it's to me it's. glorious. >> because I also know. >> that she does not go around speaking. like that in public and I know that I'm. her safe place. >> where she feels confident that she can. speak her truth to me, >> right? >> She is like, I can tell you everything. and more because I feel safe around you.

cuz I'll see her out and she'll mind her. P's and Q's. She'll be perfect. She'll. be genuine. She'll be pure. And then the. moment we get in the car, she like, "Oh. my god." And she'll just go on a rant. And I'm like, "Oh, you held that in. Like you're good." But like she so she. can already she knows the difference. already. And she also knows like I am. I'm the one she will go the hardest with. >> because she knows I'm the one she can. count on the most.

>> and she can do that with. And I and she. I mother her the way that I wished I was. motherthered growing up. So I'm like I. want you to feel safe. I was I never. felt safe growing up. >> in that in that way. And I love my dad. and I cherish him and I will take care. of him Terry to the end of days. >> We love you Terry. >> Yeah. But like it was just a different. time and my dad couldn't afford. emotions.

>> Yeah. He just couldn't. He could afford. to put a roof over our head. He could. afford to the the ramen noodles on the. weekdays and he could afford the Tweety. Bird clothing. But outside of that, like. >> or the by-early uh Disney trips that. were like off-campus. Um but he couldn't. afford emotions. Emotions were just not. allowed because he was raising a girl. >> Yeah. >> So I allow all the emotions in my house.

I allow all the conversations, all the. yelling, all the screaming. I allow. everything she needs so she can then be. like, "All right, where's my hug?" And. then she kisses my forehead and she's. like, "Good night. Thank you.". >> So, I allow her to go to bed with peace. of mind. There's no anger. >> Yeah. >> And I always have the conversations and. I'm learning a lot of this on TikTok. And this is why I love Tik Tok. >> Phenomenal. >> It is. I'm not a tick tocker, but I. watch.

>> Yeah, >> it's a wealth of information. >> It is. >> I mean, from cooking to mental health to. >> how toing raise a baby parrot, like it's. everything. >> It's beautiful. It's such a beautiful. platform and I'm so thankful to be on it. as a fan of everyone. But there'll be. like. >> and I'm sure you see a lot of boomer. parents don't have conversations or. don't speak to their children anymore. their millennial children and millennial. children are healing from their parents.

and trying to put their all into theirs. and that's very much mine only my dad's. my best friend but. >> there's something to be said about Tik. Tok where you hear these perspectives. and I'm learning through Tik Tok like. these conversational pieces. So, I'll. talk to Milani, which I learned on um uh. a Tik Tok trend, like, you know, if. there's no more food or if I don't have. to pay for your food or your house or. your clothing anymore, would you still. want to hang out with me? Would I still.

be your cool mom? And she goes, "Of. course, I'll hang out with you every. day." And and and she'd be like, "Why do. you ask this dumb question?" I'm like, "Well, I saw this Tik Tok where there's. this survey going around if you'll hang. out with your parents when you no longer. need them for like food or shelter." And. she'll look and I and then I'll turn to. her and I'll be like, "So, but what can. I do better as a parent?". >> She's almost 10. She's able to grasp it. She'll be like, "Well, we need to fight. less. >> cuz and she'll say she'll be like, "It. breaks my heart when we fight.".

>> And I'm like, "I'm so sorry. I never. mean for it to get to that level." She's. like, "But I know I need to work on. myself, too, because I give you the. hardest time.". >> And I'm like, and I was like, "Can you. promise me something?". >> She has the same self-awareness that you. did as a. >> She does. That's why I'm like, "Is it. like a genetic thing? Is it just like. did I pass something on to you?". >> Her soul picked you. >> Yeah. and and she'll be like and and. I'll tell her like we need to keep this.

open dialogue and conversation going. because I never want you to think at any. point in our lives 10 20 30 years from. now that you can't come to me open and. honest. So if you need to check mom you. can check your mother and I know if. there's an older demo that watches you. will disagree with that on such level. and that's the problem. >> I think so too. I feel like that. generation stifled a lot of their. children's voices. Yes. Where I let. Bailey come on the podcast this week.

It's it's it's dropping. And I'm getting. a lot of hate for have letting a. 16-year-old talk about her trauma. But. my that's what my platform is about. So. when my own child comes to me and says, "Mom, I want to tell my story so that I. can help other kids my age." What am I. supposed to do? Tell her no? No. You. have to wait till you're 18 to to speak. about things that have happened to you? It's it's wild that, you know, that. demographic could even disagree. So, let's look at their own glass houses and. worry about their own problems. >> Do as I say, you're not allowed to have.

a voice. But it's like, what kind of. parenting is that? It's not. >> where your choice when your child can't. have a voice. And then. >> it's a one-sided conversation cuz you're. you're self-proclaiming you're perfect. as a parent. Yeah. >> And what you're doing is righteous and. perfect. And at the end of the day, every person is imperfect. >> Yeah. Absolutely. >> So if I am parenting you wrong. >> and you need something else and I. learned that when I said that on the. vile files, I learned in that moment uh.

disciplining her in that way won't work. >> right. >> I need and I needed to educate myself on. how do I break down her walls. >> and make her feel safe? >> Yeah. >> And loved while disciplining her. >> That's what a mom's supposed to do. >> Yeah. figure out how she can get through. to you. Figure out how you'll create. that b that keep that bond and create. that open safe communication and you. know just even a healing environment for. her. >> Yeah,

>> that's a definition of a mom to me. >> To me, too. And. unfortunately, I'm learning that. >> I didn't have that. So, I'm learning. that. So, >> but you're doing a great job. >> And as I can see, so are you. I. appreciate it. You don't have to. compliment me, though. You got to take. your flowers. you're allowed. I mean, you're not getting enough credit, too. You You have your bonus child, and. you're learning the same way I am. And. you're giving your teenage daughter a. platform that is allowing her to speak.

cuz she has trauma. Like, she lost her. mother. Like, these are terrible things. to go through as a child. >> And you're allowing her to heal. >> and learning. And I can't even say that. for parents that I know that birth these. children that that you and I know people. in my life that I'm like, you need to. educate yourself on parenting a little. bit more. And I'm not saying that I'm. great by any means, but like I I think I. know my children well enough and that's.

all it is. Just get to know your. children well enough to see what works. and what doesn't and don't follow what. you know. even better, become the parent. that you needed. And that's what you've. done. And that's what I'm trying to do. with Bailey. Bailey's story is so. similar to mine as a child. It's crazy. And I know that God placed her in my. life to heal. And that's what I'm going. to do. And I choose to do with that. lesson that he's that lesson and bless. that he's sent me. So. >> yeah, I love it. I loved hearing that. story about it's Milani. >> Yes. >> Yeah. About Milani. So take me on the.

journey with you and your son. Are we. good on time? Cuz I just want to make. sure. Are we okay? >> I don't know what time it is. >> It's 2:30. Yeah. Okay, cool. It's just. this and then I want to talk about your. engagement. So, um so take me on the. journey with your son because you are. super outspoken about um you know being. a mom of an autistic son. >> Yes. >> And take me on that journey. >> that um. the whole thing. >> I mean just whatever you want. So, you. know, take me to the diagnosis. Like,

like, you know, you you had your son and. then. >> did you was there signs? Did you know. that he was autistic early on or did it. take a while for you to be like, "Hey, something's not. >> adding up here, even though they're not. parallel." When raising. newborns and toddlers, um, you go to a. pediatrician and you're supposed to hit. certain milestones. and my daughter was. always great hitting her milestones. Uh,

and Grayson after about a year started. really slowing down. And in the state of. New Jersey, they're able to get you. something called early intervention, which is has no diagnosis. >> attached. It's just like, hey, your. pediatrician said he's not hitting his. milestones. We can work with him. >> And at that point, I I would say that I. was pretty um. in denial. But uh I mean he wasn't responding to. his name. This is 15 months.

Any cues? Do you want your baba? Do you. want an apple? Do you want lunch? Nothing. And at that point, even though. he was an early vention, again, they don't diagnose, but they. will help with getting him up to the. milestone that's needed so the. pediatrician can check a box, >> right? >> Um I really thought he was deaf. >> And maybe that was just like the hope in. me. because I was hitting a point where I. was like, he's not responding to his. name. I actually have it and if you want.

to dig it up, you can. There's an old. YouTube video that I posted on it. Um, and I'm like screaming his name. He's. running away like he's in his diaper in. our yard running away and there's no. acknowledgement and he's throwing. tantrums and throwing himself on the. ground and you know, there was just no. acknowledgement. So we got an ENT. appointment which is ear nose and throat. and we got his hearing tested again at. birth fine hearing. So I was like maybe.

something happened. I'm hearing a lot of. kids in our area we're having like. friends of ours were like they needed. tubes in their ears and like I was like. maybe he's just got clogged hearing and. he it's muffled and he gets tubes and. it's great cuz he did have like four or. five backtoback ear infections. So all. that was aligning. >> But again, I really look back and I. think I was in denial. We go to ENT. They're like, "No, he has perfect. hearing." And that was a day that it was. um.

it was it it sucked. His father went. back to work. I sat in my like little. BMW with him and just started crying. like cuz I knew that. whatever battle we were about to go. through that it wasn't going to be an. easy one. So he again is still going. through early intervention and the state. of New Jersey allows it up until two. years old. >> So he missed his 18month I think 18 to.

24month um pediatrician appointment. I. purposely pushed it because I knew he. was going to fail. >> So I was like, let's go get like four. more months of early intervention, speech, OT, whatever the case may be. Actually, he didn't even he didn't even. like was able to apply to speech because. he didn't speak. No. >> So he he wasn't even like allowed to do. speech because there was no speech, >> right? Yeah. So, it was like OT and it. was just their version of ABA, which is. behavioral. uh therapy. And we go to like his 18 to.

24 month appointment, I think, at like. 28 months. I can't recall. >> It was it was months delayed. I delayed. it as much as I could. >> just to give him a chance to nail his. milestones. >> He failed so miserably. A. >> I laugh now cuz he is my he is my most. perfect child I could ever ask for. He. is.

>> the light in my eyes. He's the easier. one out of the two by the way. All this. >> I heard boys are sweet. It's the girls. that you have to worry about. >> Sweet as pie. This he could do no wrong. in my eyes. My daughter is just they're. so different. They're just everything to. me in two different ways. So, we go to this appointment and um he. fails miserably and I knew it. I knew. it. There are things that are like early. signs where you flap.

>> Mhm. >> And you twinkle toes, which is like when. you run on your tippy toes. Um no. speech, no eye contact. Like when you. you name it, he didn't pass it. M. >> and that was the day that they wrote me. a script to go to like a children's. specialized hospital. and to find a diagnosis. And at that. point without diagnosing him, our. pediatrician was like, "You're most. likely looking at autism." But.

that doesn't mean that's not a death. sentence, >> right? >> Um and also by getting a diagnosis, your. insurance can help him. So, I'm. thinking, okay, we go to Children's. Specialized, and I'll be honest, I could. tell they did not want to diagnose my. son as a celebrity. They're like, we. can't get this wrong. So, I know that. like what normally probably takes two or. three appointments was a ton. >> Wow. >> And they brought in specialists. Like. they were like, "We're bringing a.

instead of like just an ABA therapist, we're bringing a doctor like five. different doctors from speech OT, this. Russian woman that I thank every day for. meeting me." She had this heavy accent. and I'll never forget Russian. >> She did. She had no emotion, too. And. when I I'll tell you what she said to. me, it was it stuck with me. And I got. to find her. I have to look at his. diagnosing papers and like really reach. out to her and say, "Thank you cuz you. saved my son." A. >> um so all five end up diagnosing Grayson.

and after the tears are wiped and after. all of this um you go to a window with a. script and at Children's Specialized. Hospital they tell you you're going to. come here and you're going to get like 2. hours of OT and 2 hours of speech and. like 4 hours of ABA. And I remember the. Russian lady going, "No, you're going to. get 40 hours of ABA every week for. years, and that's going to change your. son's life.".

>> Not 4 hours, not 6 hours a week, 40. >> Wow. >> And I'm thinking, how the hell am I. going to pull that off as a working mom? >> We just ended Jersey Shore. I ended. Snookie JWow, but we were doing Moms. with Attitude. I was pushing really hard. on social media to be a stay-at-home. working mom. I was doing everything. under the sun to be like a brand. ambassador. This is pre- Tik Tok because. I needed to make money for my children. >> And I was like, that alone is 40, 50. hours a week. >> Yeah. >> How am I supposed to stay in a hospital.

with him for 8 hours a day, 5 days a. week? >> Cuz that's what she said. She goes, I. don't care. This is what's going to fix. your son. M. >> so I take the script and I go to like. the little like almost check out and I'm. like I need to sign my sign up for sign. up for like 2 hours of you know speech. this week and two hours of OT and. they're like all right great. I get a. call like 3 hours later and they're like. your insurance doesn't take congenital. diseases.

and apparently insurance is such a scam. They stated that autism is something. you're born with, like Down syndrome, and that's congenital. It's something. you're born with. I actually learned. that on Vile Files because I was like, I. actually don't what I don't even know. what congenital means. >> Yeah. >> And that's what my ex-husband's. insurance stated autism is. By. definition, I don't know if autism is. something you're born with, >> right? >> I I don't think it's a proven theory.

It's not like Down syndrome where you. can see a marker is. >> missing or is it added or missing? I. don't want to misspeak. >> Missing, I believe. >> Missing. >> Added. >> It's added, right? 43 instead of. >> Don't quote. Don't I'm the wrong person. to ask. >> Yeah. I think it's like 43 instead of 42. or something like that. >> Yeah. >> And um I was like, "Wow, this is this. sucks.". >> Yeah. Um so then I was like well it I.

am doing all these brand ambassadors. I. brand am and there's a reason for this. So I do all this brand ambassadoring. I'm on Facebook. I'm on Instagram. I'm. on YouTube. I make YouTube videos every. other week. And I said, "Well, then I. guess I need my own insurance and I need. to hire my friends who are helping me on. these videos as my employees full-time. and I'm going to make an LLC and I'm. going to work my way around it and I'm. going to apply for the insurance that's. needed from my son to get the help that.

he needs to get 40 hours of ABA every. week.". >> Go, mama, go. >> So, I asked my friends, would you. consider working for me full-time? >> We'll make and this is when content. creation was huge. will you? We'll make. YouTubes. We'll do everything we're. doing now and we'll just gas it. We'll. just blow it up. And I don't care if I. monetize. I need to get my son's. insurance. And my friends are like, "Yeah, it we're independent contractors. and they'll need insurance, too.". >> So, I created an LLC. I applied for.

private insurance. I was able to have. the the two employee minimum. And I spent $2,500 a month on this. private insurance for me and Grayson. >> And he got 40 hours of in-house ABA. every week and OT and speech. And when I. double down, ABA is what saved him. He. is aing. incredible. little human that is above not only the.

state but our township curve. So with. education in math and literacy, he is. top of his class. >> He is, don't get me wrong, he's a little. starter, but like he is. >> I mean he's your child. So. >> he went from not speaking, not he went. into first grade, he's in second first. grade without reading, without even. comprehending what a word is on paper. >> Wow. >> To he is at like a G or H reading level.

>> A. >> he knows how to read books front to. back. He's like reading Harry Potter. with. >> He talks too. I saw a couple videos. >> Incredibly. >> Yeah. >> He's in jiu-jitsu with my fiance twice a. week. He wants to wrestle the same way. my fiance does. He when I tell you he. will tell me how it is. He He is like. not only talks, it's he who he won't. stop talking. I'm like, I know I wish. this for a few years, but can you not?

Um, >> maybe take it down just a notch, bud. >> And he argues so fluidly. I'm like, >> as much as I want to be like, can you. like not? I'm like proud. I'm like so. proud. I'm like, you can argue with me. >> Three years ago, I would have I would. never have guessed that we would be. here. >> And I don't think a lot of people get. the accolades that they need cuz, you. know, I've had people in my life and in. his life unfortunately that'll be like, well, you don't know if he would have. just ended up like this. It's always the.

doubters, right? It's always you don't. know if like what you did was even the. reason. Like he could have just been. slower than the norm. And I'm like, >> next time somebody says that, be like, but I didn't wait around to find out. >> Exactly. I did what a mom is supposed to. do and I advocated for my children and. that's what the any mom should do. >> I'm so proud of you for doing that. >> No, thank you. And. you know, he was put into my life for. this. He was he was put into my life to.

understand sensory needs and sensory. issues. And I'm on the board of Culture. City now with some of the most amazing. people advocating for children and. adults like my son or. >> down syndrome and PTSD and war veterans. and everyone alike. So. >> they're able to go to venues or fly or. go to places they never thought they. would be able to. Um. and it's all because of him. And I thank. him every day. I'm like, your story is. being told through the universe even.

right now. >> And it's so beautiful because your story. is going to help so many people and. we're going to break those barriers. >> so everyone like yourself or everyone. with PTSD and Down syndrome and you. know, war veterans that can't hear. certain noises can live a beautiful. life. And I always say, and it's all. because of you. And you open my eyes to. want to help people just like you. You.

have a a phil what is it? Phil, I I want. to say it the right way. Phil. philanthropic. um aura with uh you're just so sweet and. like giving back just makes you so. happy. Watching you talk about. advocating for your son and being on the. board and all that stuff just I it. really like fills your cup. Like it. does. It's beautiful to watch because. you can tell you really believe in this. and just wholeheartedly like. >> it's your mission in life. >> Yes. >> I love that for you. >> I have two passion projects in my life.

That's one. That's my ride or die. That's the one that like I'm waiting for. Grayson to take over my legacy in that. so he can speak for himself through his. eyes. >> And I'll be honest, he doesn't know he. has autism. >> No, >> we don't speak about it. >> Yeah, we don't need Why put a Why put a. label on it? There's no need for it. If. I say culture city or if I say autism, >> he's like, "What's that?" And I'm like, "Nothing, honey. >> Just something that mommy's talking. about because Grayson's Grayson.". >> And I advocate for him, but he doesn't.

have to know that it's because of a. diagnosis he had. He just remembers who. Grayson is today. He doesn't know who. Grayson is. >> or was at two and three. And there'll be. a day, and that's the reason why I saved. those videos for him to see when he's. way older, probably your daughter's age, and he can digest that. >> Yeah. >> And um I'm going to let him take that. and whatever he wants to do, if he wants. to be an advocate, amazing. If he wants. to close that chapter in his life,

because I don't believe in a couple. years he'll need assistance anymore. >> Yeah. He has wonderful teachers in his. school system that help him, but I I. truly believe he'll be with the general. um population and mainstreamed by middle. school. >> And so it might just be. >> and that was the goal. That was what. that Russian lady told me. She's like, "You're you need to you need to do this. now so by the time he's in middle. school, you won't need me." But look at.

you for, you know, kudos to you for. listening to her because somebody could. have looked at her and been like, 40. hours a week? Like that's crazy. But you. thought it was crazy, but you still did. it. Now look at the results that you've. gotten with your son. >> Incredible. >> You're an incredible woman. That's like. that just warms my heart hearing all of. that. you're such a fighter for, you. know, good causes and, you know, for. your children and just after all the. you've been through to become the woman. that you have is really admirable.

>> Thank you. It's It's still scary. My. other passion project, the one that is. stemming off of my trauma where I'm. trying to like use it, that one. intimidates me, which is the is it the. horror movies? >> Yes. Let's talk about it. >> And my my fiance was like, "You have to. talk about it." I was like, "I really. don't want to." He's like, "Well, I'm. going to call your manager and tell you. that you have to." And it's scary. because I'm finally comfortable in my. own skin right now. >> I am. I'm just I'm being honest. But. >> no better feeling.

>> It is, but I don't do well in it. I want. to get uncomfortable again. >> A. >> So during co my dad was like, "What do. you want to be when you grow up?" And I. said, "I have no idea." And I'm damn. near pushing 40. But when I I decided. that I wanted to take now you know the. full story of my background where vile. files didn't. >> I live with that trauma. >> but my dream would to make psychological.

thrillers not necessarily horror which I. love horror. >> but psychological thrillers through the. eyes of schizophrenic. people. >> a. >> and that's something that I have not. spoken about this is you turning your. trauma into art. >> Yeah. So my the first movie I made. during um co is through a. uh psychiatrist's eyes going through her. master's degree or her doctorates degree.

and doing an experiment on people to see. if they could she could break. >> Wow. >> She could break them. >> Wow. >> Yeah. That's heavy. >> That is. And my second one that I'm. about to go pitch that I'm finalized I. just finished writing is through the. eyes of a woman that possibly has. schizophrenia. >> So to her though it's real. >> But to the others is it so it's and I. want to play on that. >> So I. >> it's not like the slasher films. It's.

not like the you know the the horror. movies of you know today and things. It. is through the eyes of mental illness. M. >> but I think there's something so. beautiful to it. >> because. >> to me when I speak to my mom. >> and I'm sure when you spoke to yours. >> um. >> it's matter of fact your mother had five. or six siblings that's what she believes. what my mom says to me it's what she. believes and it took me 30 something. years to.

get over that an anger and being like. that's not real like that's not real. The thing about schizophrenia is you and. if you have a loved one in that and with. that mental illness, you have to just. accept the fact that what they see and. hear is just true. >> to them. >> And when you can get over that, I feel. like it you can have a beautiful. relationship. >> or you can just roll with the punches. and you can um. >> you can like you can accept their way of.

life. doesn't have to be the. relationship you expected it to be, but. it can be a relationship, >> right? >> And so I'm taking my trauma as my. childhood and and there is a day that I. dream to make one about my mother and in. itself, but I have to actually do this. Well, >> yeah, I think you will. >> I have to get there. >> I I feel like when you dial into things, you really. >> Yeah, I want to tell my mother's story. through her eyes one day. That would be.

my like avatar. I swear. >> I love that. >> But so all the movies that I want to. make and they're little indie films and. they're they're just my passion projects. because I feel like that's my therapy. >> You have been making them, correct? You've been writing, directing, producing. >> Yes. >> Cuz nobody can take my baby from me, >> right? >> So if I'm going to do psychological. thrillers, I need to do it my way. So I. wrote, directed, and produced the first. one. The second one I'm going to do, um, I I.

wrote it. I'm going to direct it. Uh, I. will hire a production company because. it's actually a real budget. It's not my. own money. The first one was my own. money. >> and I'm going to try and pitch it to. >> to Paramont or Shudder, whoever will. have me. >> Yeah. >> Um, you're manifesting right now. >> I am. I hope. >> you are. Uh, but yeah, there there's. something I I I want to give my mom a. legacy. >> Yeah. And it's kind of a messed up.

legacy horror thrillers, but I want to. give I want to give people with that. type of mental illness a legacy and to. say and to kind of break the barriers. the same way I do with my son, even if. it's in a in a in a weird way because it. can be healing and it can be a. conversational piece. If you see a movie. two ways, if you see a movie that you. can see it through the eyes of a. schizophrenic and the eyes of a logical. person.

>> that that's not a schizophrenic in that. movie and you can sit together and have. almost an argument or a conversation and. being like, well, I agree with this. person or I agree with that one. >> It opens the dialogue of the bigger. picture, >> right? And the bigger picture is how. they view the world. >> and how we should be softer to how they. view the world. >> And that is um that's my goal. >> I love that. >> Yeah. I think that's awesome. And I.

think that you're doing a really good. job with the trauma that you were given. And I understand now why therapy isn't a. thing for you because you're an artist. at heart. So creating is what makes you. happy. >> And I think that's amazing. I can't wait. to see it. I want to see it. You got to. send it to me. >> I will send me the first one. I want to. see it. >> My baby one uh that I made in co is. like, you know, balling on a dollar. budget. It's it's nothing to be It's my. proud moment to say that. >> I'm going to do this. Like this is what.

I'm going your first attempt. You wanted. to see if you could follow through with. it. Yeah. >> To see if I'm capable, but the the the. one that I want to make for my mom. Um. it's and I haven't even written it yet, but that one I want to, you know, uh I. want to make in her in her eyes and I I. want to tell her story of how. in 2017 when my when the hospital called. me saying that she was wandering the. streets.

>> for 3 days and was lost and confused and. didn't know who she was and hadn't had a. drink or water. And this was right. before I was leaving for Vegas for the. New Jersey Shore family vacation. And I. have to shout out one of my producers. Um, this is the story I want to tell. My mom. was lost wandering the streets confused, not knowing who she was. And the thing. about schizophrenics is they still have. free will, ironically. >> It's wild. >> And she was our world is in a mental. health crisis as far as help wise. So,

she lived in the state of New York and I. could not get her in the state of New. Jersey to save my life because she had. free will and she never wanted to move. away from what she known. But this was. obviously a detrimental situation I was. in. So, I told my mom, "Do you want to. come swimming at my house?". >> No. >> She goes, "Yeah, for sure. I want to. spend the summer and come swimming at. your house." That was my way of getting. her to New Jersey to save her. >> Cuz the the hospital was like, "Well, she's going to be released." I had my. fiance's sister pick her up at the.

hospital, pick her cat up that was stuck. in her apartment and drive her to New. Jersey where I had nowhere to put her, nowhere. >> I didn't know what to do. And my. producer Ashley was like, "I have an. assisted living home friend, like my. best friend runs one.". >> And she had my mom in there within a. week. >> Her diabetes stabilized, >> her um her blood sugar, everything. and. and a um a psychiatrist and medicated.

She was off her meds. She was off. everything. And I had to go to Jersey. Shore the next day. >> Oh my gosh. >> But if it wasn't for Ashley, I would. have never made the show. I would have. never have been able to help give my mom. the care that she needs. And I would. have never have gotten her out of New. York cuz that's where she was choosing. to live. And and. >> I had no right. >> Yeah. So the opener of the movie is. going to be through her eyes walking. those three days and n when we had a. heat wave in the state of New York where.

like all the air conditioners broke. I. don't know if you saw it on the news. This is like. >> damn near eight years ago. >> And that's going to that's how I. envision the opener of it being. >> I love that and I think that's going to. be captivating. Yes. >> Because a lot of people deal with mental. health issues. Some might not be as. extreme as schizophrenia, but there. mental health is rampid and everybody. deals with either if it's a form of. depression, a form of anxiety. Uh BPD is is people are speaking up more.

now about having it. So I really think. that these are going to be healing for. children of people who have. schizophrenia and as well as children of. parents who have mental illness and. people who have mental illness. themselves. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. That's my goal. I love it. I think. it's amazing. >> It's my therapy. >> I really I love it. I think it's a. beautiful thing. The last thing I want. to talk to you about is your. relationship. >> Ah, how's that going? >> It's good. You know,

>> it's so I'm scared to talk about it. because it is so good. >> A and I also. >> People ruin great things. >> Yes. So people, you know, we came off. Rocky on the show originally, but that's. not who he is and that's not who I am. And reality TV is, you know, the devil. that I play with, right? >> And it's my career, but like. >> he is my light every Oh, sorry. I felt. it. I felt it falling and I was like um.

trying to hold it. >> Oh, I didn't realize it was on that. >> Can you Thank you. Sorry. No. Now I. understand why there's a weight right. there. I was like, "Were you working out. right before?". >> It wouldn't be too far off though. I do. do weird [ __ ] I'll eat like a piece of. pizza. Like especially when we're. traveling, I always tell them I'm There. we go. When we're traveling, I tell them. I'm like, "I always gain three lbs when. I hang out with you guys." So I'll eat. like a piece of pizza and then I'll. start like lifting weights afterwards. I'm sorry. When you once you hit 40,

that does not come off as easy as it. did. It's. >> You hit 40. I'm 44. >> I'm sorry. What? I love you. Yeah, I'm. 44. The The internet says I'm What? How. old does it say I am? >> 27 for years. >> Yeah. I I always say I'm an eternal. vampire on the internet. So, I've had to. be very It's crazy because I used to get. so much hate where people were like, "You're too young to talk about things. you talk about, and I can't believe. Jelly married so young." And then,

>> how old is he? Just turned 39. >> I really thought you were younger than. me. Oh, I love you. But no, sorry, guys. Sorry about that. My microphone fell. over. But um Okay, so let's fire. Let's. go. Let's get back on track and let's. talk about your um relationship. >> Yes. >> So, how's that going? And can you tell. me a little bit about like do you guys. have plans for a wedding or what's going. on with that? >> Um I don't know if I'm going to take So, I've been married before. >> and by getting married, I don't think it.

defines a great relationship, >> right? It just to me anyways. Been. there, done that. Like it just doesn't. define a great relationship. So what I. have with Zach is so precious. I'm. trying to do everything I can to make. sure it just stays exactly what it is. >> He is like my night and shining armor. and I protect our relationship. You guys, I am so sorry, Jenny. Goodness. >> I'm like sitting here trying to hold it.

and I'm like, "Yeah." Uh-huh. That's. great. Here, let me just hold the mic. >> This is amazing. Okay. All right. >> All right. We good? I'm not touching it. All right. I'm not touching it. All. right. So, let's get back to the. relationship. So, marriage does not define a a piece of. paper and and marriage does not define a. great relationship. >> Yes. And for me, it doesn't. I know Zach. would love to get married and I feel.

that we will. U my birthday is actually. our fifth anniversary. My first date in. 2019 was my birthday with him. >> Um but being so I guess just. uh just going through the heartache of a. divorce and being so traumatized of. through a divorce. I don't ever want to. put that on him. But I also don't want. to put that negativity on him, >> right? >> I want to do something different.

>> Yeah. >> I want like the Curtis and what Goldie. Han relationship. >> I always say that. I always say Kurt. Kurt Russell and Russell. Yes. Yeah. Like they are beautiful. Like they And. so for us, it's just it's great. And for. him to take on the kids that he. >> and the role and the capacity that he. has, like if I'm not home, he brings my. daughter to cheer. He brings my son to. jiu-jitsu. They have that together. He. teaches him. When therapy was at our.

house, like he shows up. He gets Grayson. in the shower. He puts him to bed. They. read together. They have their mantras. together every night. >> Like he is their stepfather and he loves. them as much as I do. He's he's just. such a pivotal and such a beautiful role. in our house that I actually. >> I took that as a and I took a step back. in social media and putting him. everywhere cuz I want to protect what we. have at all costs.

>> And um the world might not see it. because of what we have on the reality. TV show. So to me I'm like he is my. everything and I'm going to protect. that. Yeah, you have to. >> and I'll fight you, >> you know, like it's just like he's a pro. wrestler, right? >> Yes. >> Yeah, he's he works for uh a what is it? AEW. >> Yes. Um but. >> that's the same name as Sera, right? Sera was just. >> I just saw Sera. I love her. >> Is she not a doll baby? I mean. >> she is incredible.

>> She's a sweet just warm human like just. love her. She just came on a podcast. >> I just saw and I was like my two worlds. are colliding right now. She is. literally when I come back in in another. life, I want to be SA cuz I inside I'm. an emo goth girl. I just don't have the. aesthetic. So she's she embodies. everything I love. >> She's aesthetically just perfect for. that. >> Yeah, she's a she's a doll baby. But. yeah, so being with a wrestler, are you. a wrestling fan? >> So actually I'm not, but I'm learning. >> Yeah. >> And I think Zach's dream is to go to the.

WWE, which is just incredible in itself. We know all these wrestlers that are. there and. >> um it's it's not easy on the body. Sa. she broke her neck or back. >> twice. >> Twice and we didn't think that she was. going to come back. So I was there the. day she came back and like. >> I am such a fan of the hard work. wrestlers put in and the accolades they. don't get. >> because everyone's like, "Oh, it's fake.

It's this." It's like the the injuries. are not fake. No, >> the the. >> She says it perfect. She says it's it's. fixed, not fake. >> Love that. >> Mhm. >> It's fixed, not fake. I love that. And. um the hard work and the traveling and. the missing out on so many life um you. know, home life things because, you. know, they they put their all into the. career. So, but my dream. >> is for him to live his dream. >> because he's wanted it. When I first got.

together with Zach, he w Grayson was. two. >> Oh. >> And his mother, who's my kids, Mimi, Mimi goes to me and she goes, "Zack. wanted to be a wrestler since he was. Grayson's age." And Grayson's just. sitting there in his diaper and stuff. >> And to me, that that was so precious. because I don't know what that's like. >> I don't know what it's like to have a. dream that you've wanted your whole. life, >> right? Like I'm molding myself into the. dreams that I want now based on my past.

>> And I don't even know if it's going to. work out, right? I don't know if these. movies are going to work out. I am They. will work out. Yes. >> But I'm a pig and being on reality for. the last 15 years. Like I fell into. this. >> Amazing. >> You know, at the time that I was in. college, I wanted to be an animator, but. then I went to animation school. I was. like, "Oh, that ain't for me either.". Like I'm so thankful to mold. My dad's a. used car salesman or he was growing up. So I'm like I am a daughter of a used. car salesman. I can mold myself into.

that fresh new car smell and figure it. out. >> But for someone that I meet and that I'm. with that I wake up every morning to. >> he's wanted this dream since he was two. And I admire that so much because I. don't know what that's like. >> Yeah. >> And I'll never know. and the work that. he puts into every morning 5:30 in the. morning gets up, works out, regimented. He wants to be done with his workouts.

before the kids and I wake up so he can. dedicate that hour to helping me get. ready with the kids and get them into. the school bus. Like, but the way he's. so regimented and the way he carries. himself and he lives a drug-free life, lives an alcohol-free life except for. the weekends and he doesn't allow. himself even if I'm like Monday like do. you want a drink cuz I haven't had a. drink? He's like no it's Monday. Like I. admire that because he has goals.

>> and I've kind of like fallen into my. goals and I've learned through like my. traumas like where I want my goals to. end up or through my kids where I want. my goals to end up. >> This has been his life story. >> Yeah. >> And that's beautiful. >> That is beautiful. >> I'm like I want his dream probably more. than him to be that WWE wrestler. standing on stage and performing. Uh. only because like I've never seen. someone want like want something so. badly. >> I know the first um the first thing that.

helps a man succeed in life and. accomplish his dreams is having a woman. behind him who believes in him. >> Yes. >> Cuz when I got with Jay, we we had a. wing and a prayer. >> And I I know your backstory. I know you. don't like the flowers and the. accolades, but girl. >> Yeah. You two, not only are you meant. together, like to be together, but your. backstory is soing. beautiful. >> I appreciate you. >> It really is. >> I appreciate you. He's my little cherub. angel. I tell everybody he's just he is.

everything that I wish I could be. My. husband is just a sweetheart and just so. diplomatic. >> I'm like, "Son of a [ __ ] What is it. like to be that nice?" You know, like, "How do you do it?" But no, I think it's. a good yin and yang that we have. And I. feel like that you that's how it is with. you and your significant other also. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Jenny, I have taken over two hours of. your time. >> and I could I feel like I could sit here. and talk with you for another four. hours. Like I just love your vibe. I.

love the way you present yourself. I. love everything you stand for. >> Please keep kicking ass. >> You too, >> dude. I appreciate you. Thank you for. coming on the podcast. >> Thank you for having me. This has been. incredible. And why don't you tell. people where they can find you if. they're not following you, which I'm. sure they all are, but if they're not. following you, what are your socials? >> I believe across the board it's JWow. J. Wo www. Um on everything. >> Yeah, >> I'm everywhere. >> She's Yeah, >> but I do nothing on any of them cuz I'm. just watching all of you.

>> A I love that. Thank you so much for. coming. No, thank you so much for having. me. >> I appreciate you. And thank you guys for. tuning in to another episode of Dumb. Blonde. I'll see you guys next week. Bye. [Music].