Parenting Your Parents

Daddy gang, welcome back to another. Sunday session. I feel like it's kind of. been a while since we've been here and. just chatted together. And so, I'm. really excited to. have this space today because there is. something that my friends and I have. been talking about a lot lately that I. wanted to just kind of like open up and. share with you guys because I'm assuming. it is applicable to all of your lives as. well. So, I had a few girlfriends over last week. for a little wine night. And one of my.

close friends had just gotten back from. a week-long vacation with her family. So, we were excited to hear her stories. and have her just tell us all about it. But instead of, you know, coming back relaxed, beautiful, well-rested, excited to share. the details, she was. absolutely exhausted. And as she started. telling us about what happened and why. she was emotionally drained from the. trip, all of us just began like.

aggressively nodding along to her story. being like, "Absolutely. Yeah, we. understand. We have been there. We. understand. We've all gone through. this." So, basically, my friend on this vacation had gone. through her first experience of having. to be the parent to her own parents. And. listen, back when you were a kid. traveling with your parents, obviously. your brain could probably just go on to.

autopilot, right? Like maybe your dad. had the boarding passes, your mom had. all of the snacks planned. It was just. you and your Harry Potter book against. the world, and you didn't have to worry. about a goddamn thing. You could. literally go through the airport. blindfolded and like you wouldn't it you. would get there. You would get there. You don't even know how you got there, but you got there because your parents. led you there. But now, maybe you get to the airport and your. dad can't understand how the. self-service baggage tagging ticket.

situation works, right? So then you end. up taking over. It's all right, Dad, I. got this one. And then your mom can't. figure out how to download the airplane. app on her phone, so you're like, "No, no, no, I got it. Don't worry, Mom. Like, we got it." And then maybe you. land, right? You're in a new city, and. the process of finding the Uber pickup. location is basically impossible for. them. So then you're like, "Don't worry, guys. I will lead you to the promised. land. I got this." And then from there, figuring out the hotel logistics or the. car rental or the dinner reservations or. the trip itinerary. Like, it basically. just starts to fall all on you because.

you're just quicker and more capable. than your parents. So, now you're on. this vacation looking around of like, "What is going on?" And maybe you're. starting to think to yourself, "How the [ __ ] did my parents ever do all. of this on their own?" Like, not only. that, how did they do this all when they. also had young children to navigate? Like, how am I alive? How am I breathing to this day? And I. don't want to sound dramatic, but like,

I get like technology at the airport and. on trips, I understand it has changed a. lot and it can be super confusing and. overwhelming for anyone, but my friends. and I came to the conclusion that. it's not really about that. Because. like, at some point there was a. different form of technology at the. airport that they also had to figure. out, right? Like, it's about the fact that now in certain. settings, our parents. they just fully rely on us, and it's not.

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Depop app now and start listing today. Look, when we're kids, our parents exist. in this. larger-than-life role in our lives, right? They're the people who just like. know how to fix everything. They know. where. we're supposed to be and when we're. supposed to be there and they calm us. down when we're upset and they make our. big wins and our big moments feel really. special and they're uh they're just like.

essentially the ones holding up the. entire structure of our lives, right? They keep everything together. And. because of that and because that dynamic. is so like just natural and almost. unspoken, I guess, growing up, I don't. think. we ever stop to consider the fact that. our parents are not actually. these static. ever solid figures. Like, it's a crazy. concept, I know guys, but like our.

parents are human beings. They are. changing, evolving, aging, learning new. things, or struggling through other. things, right? Like, all while we are. focusing on our own growth. And I think like this concept. uh when I say that, it can be slightly. uncomfortable, at least for me, to think. about my parents as being these like. deeply complex people, and like. constantly moving forward in their own. lives. Cuz in my head,

like I'm like, "No, no, no, they're just. mom and dad." Like, they've just been. mom and dad. And it's like, "No.". Like, they are they were they were. babies at one point. They were children. at one point. They got [ __ ] up from. their parents at some point, too. They. went to, whether it was high school or. college, and fell in love multiple time. Like, they've lived the same similar. lives or different lives than us, but. they've done all the feelings and things. that we've done. And I think it's hard. to engage with the thoughts of like, "Oh. my god, my parents inevitably.

are not just my parents. They're also. individuals who aren't going to be here. forever. They may not be here one day.". And so, as my friend was talking, um. I actually could just totally to relate. to like what she was going through with. her parents, because I had actually. really struggled through a very similar. situation with my own. This happened a. couple years back, and I think I kind of. podcasted about this a little bit at one. point, but over Christmas, I was like.

really looking forward to the time off. with my family and getting a break from. life. And I was also just very used to. the holidays just being handled by my. parents, which was something I. appreciated more and more as my adult. life got busier, right? I would whether. it was I come come home from college or. whether I came back from the city, like. I would just go home and they'd have the. tree decorated, they'd have all of my. childhood things in the room. I'm like, "Oh my god, they kept everything." The. meals are prepared, they have the gifts. wrapped. Like, it was all just ready.

And so my siblings and I could just pop. in and enjoy the holidays. And it was. like a prerequisite. Like you're like, of course my parents will have all of. this ready. But that year we decided we. weren't going to go home to Pennsylvania. for Christmas. And somehow that turned. into. all of the holiday planning like kind of. falling on me. And now also in hindsight again, like. did it fall on me or did I put it on. myself because I felt like they weren't. like in. the same headspace anymore to put it. together? I don't know, but I was the. one finding us a house, finding our. flights, booking our cars, planning the.

meals, doing the grocery shopping, making a schedule. And while I was capable of course of. handling it, I was also extremely. overwhelmed. And. I felt like not once during that holiday. was I ever able to fully relax or enjoy. the time with my parents the way that I. used to. And it really ended up getting. to me. And I started thinking back to. how when I was a kid, I maybe took for. granted the way that my parents had just. had everything handled. And yeah, I. guess that's what parents are supposed.

to do. But like whether it was from. soccer practice to homework to school. lunches to scheduling, I always had this. layer of stability beneath me where I. didn't have to think about everything. all at once because there was someone. who loved me that was just. taking care of it. And that is I would just also want to. acknowledge like of course that is not. the case for everyone. So I do want to. just super quick like disclaimer here. that I can only speak obviously from my.

relationship with my parents and what I. was able to experience growing up. Um. I'm I'm so fortunate that I had the. experience I did. If you grew up with an. unstable family dynamic or abuse or. trauma, a lot of what I'm unpacking. today may not relate to you in the same. way, which I completely understand. Um, but I do want to use today to talk about. how. foundationally destabilizing it can be. to realize that your parents now need. you more than you need them. Is.

basically what I'm trying to say. Like, what the [ __ ] For me, confronting that. over I remember that Christmas holiday. specifically, it felt like I was going. through this massive identity shift cuz. I I wanted my parents to still be my. parent. And I also knew I was probably the more. capable one, and I didn't know how I. felt about it. And I didn't feel like I. could talk to them about it. So then I. just started handling things, and then I. was like kind of resentful, but then I. was also like, "They've done this my. whole life. Like, I should step up, right?" And I just remember. on that trip I became really hyper.

fixated on the way everything was. changing. Like, change was so uncom-. fortable, right? Like, you're just like, "What is happening?" Your reality, all. of a sudden, it just feels like it. completely shifts. And all these little. moments were making me extremely. emotional, which is why I then like. booked a therapy appointment immediately. upon returning home because I was like, "I need to tell my therapist. Like, something is changing and I need help.". But it was one of the most existential. therapy sessions I think I've had for. like a really long time because, for.

better for worse, my therapist told me. that I was not catastrophizing any of. this. She was like, "From birth to. death, our lives as humans revolve. around dependence, independence, and. interdependence. When we're born, we're. completely dependent on our parents for. regulation, safety, and structure. Their. job is essentially to just help us grow. into independence while still. maintaining our familial connection, right? So, if we have a secure. attachment to our parents, then we. naturally internalize the feeling that.

something solid exists above us. And. that solidity becomes just like a part. of your nervous system. You don't even. question it. It's just been there since. a very young age, right? And so then. when aging begins to slowly chip away at. this stability, it's actually an. indication that a foundational shift is. happening. The relationship is now. interdependent on a much deeper level. I. was like, "Okay, therapist, let me write.

this down because hold on. Say that one. more time." I'm going to really need to. I'm going to also need to tell this to. the daddy-ing. Um so I pulled my notes. back up for this episode and I was like, "What did she say to me again?" Um. but for me, that meant that I was now. becoming the top layer of reliability in. our family structure. And I was like, "Wait, I don't know if I want this yet. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Like, how did this happen?". And so if you think about it, that shift. might be. it may be it may be great in some ways,

right? Like, I think. there is something great about stepping. into a larger role in your family. It. means that you are now fully capable of. taking care of things. It means that my. parents successfully did their job. Right? I am now able to provide and. protect and do all the things, but it. also means a lot more responsibility. was coming my way that I don't think. anyone really. warns you about. There's not this like. literal pass of the torch. It's like,

"All right, sweet." Like, that doesn't. happen. It's just like this unsaid thing. that just slowly. shifts. And so. you think about it and you're like, "Okay, you now need to be the one to. make sure that they're going to their. doctor appointments." And maybe it's not. today, but like, it's coming where like, you're going to be the one that has to. be on top of their health care. You need to be the one to fully set up. the Wi-Fi or their phones or their TVs. or their iPads or like whatever devices. it is that they're overwhelmed by,

right? You need to call them to check in. on them because all of their friends, you know, maybe they moved to Florida. And so then they haven't had any human. interaction in like 3 days and you're. like, "You guys good?" Like I know some. people watching, maybe you only have one. parent, right? And that person you're. like constantly worried about, worried. about, worried about and you and you. probably sit with yourself and you're. like, "When did I start to be so worried about. this person?" Because when did the roles. shift? They always were just worried. about me. And I was frolicking along and. I was like, you know, drinking at some.

club and waking up in a random man's. [ __ ] basement in Brooklyn being like, "Hey!" And my mom was probably so. worried and I wasn't even thinking about. my mom at that point, right? I was just. hoping I had an orgasm. Like, you're not. even thinking about your parents. And. then all of a sudden one day, you're. more stressed about their safety, their. well-being, their health and you're. like, "When did I know even that my. parents went to the doctor?" Like, I. didn't know my parents went to the. doctor. Like, I hate this. To realize that there are. like no longer built-in structures for.

your life, there are only the structures. that you choose to invest in moving. forward, that so much of that stability. when you were younger and that comfort. and that like it also just can't exist. Your your parents can't protect you in. that way anymore, right? Like, they. can't walk you into your job every day. and make sure that everyone's being nice. to you. Like, when you were young and in. kindergarten they're like, "Let's have a. after-school conference with the parents. and come together cuz your kid was. bullying mine." They don't do that. anymore. It's on you now. And again, that is the whole point of life that.

they got you to the point where you can. then advocate for yourself. But it. [ __ ] sucks cuz I still want my mom to. make my doctor's appointments. [laughter] Like, I know that I want to be independent and. I don't want to want my mommy or my. daddy, but also I want them. You know, it's just it's a little. [ __ ] mind [ __ ] And I remember, according to my therapist, this is very common for people in their. early 30s to mid-40s to be facing. As we. just like reach a state of full. independence, our parents begin to exit.

their state of full independence. It's. like It's basically like two escalators. moving in complete opposite directions. You're like, "Bye, Mom and Dad." And. they're like, "Bye, sweetie." And you're. like, "Okay, we're basically swapping. positions.". And so as aging begins to impact our. parents physical health and their energy. and their cognition, like they step onto. the escalator moving downward. Oh my. god, that like is making me almost sad. and want to cry. And then cuz like it's.

so [ __ ] sad that like that's the. whole thing of life. And now they're. getting older. And I think this often happens right. when you are in one of the busiest, most. generative phases of your own life, right? You're building a career, you're. managing relationships, maybe you're. raising kids, which obviously makes, I. think, the emotional collision just so. much harder when you're like on this. high and then your parents are shifting. so much. And you're like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. What are. you doing? Why Wait, no. I I don't I.

don't like this.". And I think. sometimes this change can be incredibly. pronounced, right? Like maybe a sudden. accident or a life shift happened and it. alters your family's circumstances. But I think more often like there really. is no clear moment when the dynamic. formally changes. From what I was. talking about with my friends, like none. of us had that big like, "This happened. so then this happened." It was just kind. of like, "When did this happen?" Like I.

can't really pinpoint it. Like you're. just slowly realizing that you're. existing in a different place in your. family than you used to be. And your. nervous system is trying to reconcile. what the actual F is happening. So, for. me, when I was navigating this, and I'm. kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I. think my nervous system processed these. just changes with like feelings of. intense frustration. I found myself more.

frustrated and annoyed than ever with my. parents as I saw them aging, and I know. this was coming from my inner child just. wanting to be that little kid again and. wanting things to go back to the way. that they used to be, but instead of. sitting with that. sadness, ultimately, and allowing it to. just cycle through, I just. got irrationally irritated. And I know that probably sounds terrible. cuz it's like not their fault, but I.

think it was like when I was having a. super hard day at work, and I'm like. juggling my job and my relationship and. my friendships and all the stress in my. life, it would piss me off if my dad was. calling me like asking me for help on. something that like he used to be able. to like maybe figure out on his own, and. it just felt unnatural. And meanwhile, now I look back and I'm like, "Oh my. god, like. no, that's actually so beautiful that my. dad has helped me get to every place I. have gotten in life." And the fact that.

he's I he's never had to ask me for. anything. Like my dad when I was growing. up, like he never asked me like, "Can you help me like. I don't like never." And so the fact. that he is now able to ask me for help. because I am a capable human being, that. should be something that I can look at. as a positive, but it was just too scary. to me. So I was like, "This is. annoying." And it's like it's not. annoying. It's like a beautiful. progression of. me being an independent individual that.

now can actually support my father, and. I used to not be able to do that. And. how great that I can now. But at the. time, I was like, "Dad, can't you just Google it?" And. it's like, "No, be there for him." And I. think it's also just cuz I thought like. there was already so much on my plate. and I just wanted to be their kid. That's where I was still in my head. Like I just want to be your kid again. and I. That's what I want. But that's just not the case, right? And. so I remember this was like 2 years ago. I would be like snippy and I would take. it out on my dad or my mom because all. the things in my life stressed me out.

and what I really wasn't getting. underneath is like. it's not that he's calling me and asking. me for help. It was freaking me out that. he was calling me and asking me for help. because that had never happened before. And I also, by the way, would then like. immediately like this is this guilt then. started to like really get underneath me. and that was like a huge therapy session. I had with my therapist where I was. like, "I don't like this. I'm feeling. guilty. Why am I speaking to my parents. this way? Like they gave up their whole. lives for me, dedicated 31.

years of raising me. and I can't take 5 minutes to explain. something. Like what the [ __ ] is wrong. with me?". And it's this whiplash from guilt to. frustration to sadness and where it led. for me was just then I remember going. into like pure avoidance. I didn't want. to deal with it. I didn't want to think. about it. I just wanted my parents to. stay constant and I wanted them to stay. the same. And again, that is not reality. and that is why I went to therapy. And. my therapist was like, "Let's talk this.

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from something that she I remember she. called it anticipatory grief." Which I. was like, "I don't like that. I don't. like that. Well, it's that. What? I. don't like that at all." It's basically. grieving someone before they're even. gone simply because there is so much. internal stress and anxiety around. losing them that is just taking up your. mental load. Which I was like, "Okay, that's enough for this session." I was. like, "And time." And she's like, "We're.

only 15 minutes in." I was like, "Okay, I'm fucked." Like, I think that. anxiety, that's really what was coming. up for me constantly. And I can't speak. for any of you going through this, but. when I reflect like on this big kind of. inflection point I went through 2 years. ago. We would be sitting around at a. normal dinner and I would suddenly get. this deep, gutteral. sadness realizing that this version of. my parents was finite and one day they. wouldn't. be here at dinner with me. And it's.

these small moments that your brain can. take and then just spiral into like, "What's going to happen when they're. gone? Like, is this the last time that. we're ever going to, you know, have these type of holidays. together? Or how much longer do we have? Like, will I ever, you know, like I hope. my mom and and my father around for like. all of my kids when I have kids one day, right?" Like, I would just get so. overwhelmed and my mind would then start. racing ahead to these scenarios that.

hadn't happened and probably wouldn't. happen for a really long time, but this. anxiety is just like my. brain's attempt to control what it can't. actually control. And there is nothing more out of our. control than. our parents' inevitable aging. And so, luckily, my therapist didn't. just let me end the therapy session. there. I remember I was like, "Bye.". She's like, "Sit down." I'm like, "Okay." This is why I pay the big bucks. Um my therapist shared that there was a. way to gain some agency over this.

spiral, and I think you all know what. I'm going to say. Maybe not. Um it's. kind of like a therapist's answer to. every single problem you ever had. Um. and it's really [ __ ] hard to do, but. the answer always is you need to have a. conversation with your parents where. you all acknowledge what is happening. and talk about moving forward. And Daddy gang, as much as it sucks to.

sit down with your parents and talk. about the ways that they are aging, and. so awkward, and also like. uncomfortable cuz you're like, "Wait a. second. Although I do kind of feel like. the parent in this dynamic, to. acknowledge it to my parents' face, how. is that going to work?" Cuz like, even. though it feels this way, I don't want. to acknowledge it's so it's so awkward, but it is so important to do it before. I think life forces you. And trust me, it actually does help to have these.

conversations. because so much of what you're feeling, you're then able to kind of like get a. handle on the situation when you open it. up to all of you. So, you can be like, "This is what's going on, guys." It. doesn't Also, it doesn't need to be some. dramatic sit down of like, "We need to talk about how you're. getting old." Like, "Sit out, Dad." And. you're like, "What the fuck?" Like, "Okay, thanks." Like, no. It shouldn't. be so so intense because if you come in. hot about how your parents aren't as. young and as capable and as with it,

like, they're just going to feel like [ __ ] or. get defensive and be like, "What are you. talking about?" These are grown adults. who raised you and have been nothing but. capable of taking care of you their. entire lives. It is going to be. uncomfortable for you all to address the. shift, but it's needed. And so, instead, my approach was to just start the. conversation from my own viewpoint of. like, "Hey, I have been thinking a lot. about my future, your guys' future, and. I just want to like talk about how you. guys factor into it. Have you guys.

thought about retirement? And what's. that going to look like long-term? Like, do you guys have, whether it's a will or. do you What do you have planned for the. next X amount of years? And what do you. need help with in this next phase of. life?". I think it's just helpful to really keep. in like keep it focused on how you can. be there to best support them as they. look ahead at their own futures. And. just emphasize that you're here to make. this time feel easier and more. comfortable for them. And obviously, if.

they're in denial about the fact that. things are starting to change, that's. when you can start to mention some just. like tangible examples of like, "Well, you know, like I did notice like you. forgot that appointment last week, Dad.". Or like, "You know, I see the lawn. hasn't been mowed in a while." Like, "Could we find someone to help come and. handle that?" Like, basically gentle. reminders of changes that don't feel too. daunting. Like, that's a good place to. start, I would say, the conversation. It. also may help if you have siblings to. call them um or your partner or friends. just for just reinforcement. But like,

when you get to I just remember sitting. down with my parents being like, "Guys, we all feel this shift in like. the matriarch and the patriarch of the. family, and it's all changing, and the. siblings are now becoming the ones, and. the parents are not as like, let's just. [ __ ] talk about it. And it took many. conversations. Like it wasn't just one. and done. It was a lot. Like so much of. this conversation is is just like first. of all, the way you approach it. Like. again, not having it be too heavy. Remember, you're not stepping in and.

taking over their lives. Like. we've got to put you on a. conservatorship now. You're like, what? Like that's literally not happening. They still have authority and autonomy. over their lives. But you're just. showing them that you want to support. them and they don't need to hide their. struggles. But you also want to put it. out in the open that the dynamic is. shifting. That maybe you would never. talk about their finances or their. living situation or their future plans. in the past when you're in college or. high school. But now you probably need.

to know these things because God forbid. something happens to one of the other. parents and you whatever it is. You need. to be there to support them to some. capacity. Again, everyone's situation is. different, but I think that emotional. support of like, I'm here. You can talk. to me is important. Because honestly, of course our parents. want to protect us. They want to shield. us from all of the shitty things in life. including their own problems. They. haven't stopped being parents. It may. feel that way to some of us, but they. haven't.

But it's now on us to open the door and. say, "Hey, we don't need to avoid this. Let's move forward in a way that we all. feel good about." And so. I guess the point of this is like at the. end of the day parenting your parents is. actually a sign of. really amazing reciprocity in one of the. most important relationships that you. will have in your lifetime. The role. reversal is painful to confront in the. beginning, I think. But once you do. acknowledge it, it really.

does make it. helpful to mitigate some of the. frustration that's probably been felt on. both sides, right? Like being open about. this, I personally think can help you. give back some of those moments where. you do just want to be a kid again, which on my end has been really nice. I. would say, once I was able to have this. conversation with my parents of just. like, I'm stressing out, you guys are. getting older, the dynamic is shifting, I feel like I need to take on more. responsibility, blah blah blah. Once we.

got through that, it's almost like we needed to just put. it out in the open that the dynamic had. changed, and then since then, what's so ironic is I now have kind of. felt like I'm able to be a kid again. with my parents because I now am so. excited to lean into the emotional. aspect of our relationship. I feel like. so much of growing up is logistics and. your environment and protecting. How did.

I. end up going to soccer all the time or. whatever? And it's just like these. things that I talked about at the. beginning of this like that were these. unsaid. obvious things that my parents just. provided, now I think in this later half. of their life, what I'm now tapping into. is the complete opposite of what my. childhood really was. Now I'm able to. way more have um the ability to. front-load on just the emotional dynamic. with my parents. I go over to my. parents' house and I just talk to them.

about how I'm feeling and what I'm going. through, and that's all that that's it, right? Now that I'm kind of more in the. supportive role on logistics, and we've. all put that out there and acknowledge. that, it's been so beautiful to realign. and be like, now. I just want to have my mom and dad there. for that emotional side, which has been. really, really. beautiful. I don't know. It's a It's a. weird turning point. And I think in.

terms of how you're going to show up for. your parents going forward, like the. range of things they're going to need. help with is so wide. Every single. person listening to this, your. situation's going to be different. Maybe. it's handling their taxes for them, or. finding a way to financially figure out, you know, whether it's a house cleaner. for them, maybe it's helping them get. doctor's appointments, or maybe it's. just fully organizing um an assisted. living situation, or you going over a. couple times a month and helping.

organize their house for them, or clean. it, like whatever it is, like it's going. to fluctuate as time goes on. It's going. to fluctuate given, you know, your. financial situation, your proximity to. your parents, like there's so many. dynamics. So, the last thing that my therapist. reminded me of is that you still need to. protect your own mental health first. Navigating the final chapters of. someone's life alongside them is. extremely mentally. taxing, and it's even more painful when. it's someone you're so close to.

When it's our parents, we can feel. selfish, or. I don't know, even shameful to not give. them 100% of every. part of our time and energy because we. feel like they did that for us growing. up, and we might feel guilty that we're. not able to be there for them around the. clock, but in reality, this transitional. time is only going to be healthy and. good for everyone if you're also. protecting your emotional bandwidth. So, maybe that means dividing the labor more. equally between you and your siblings,

maybe that means looking into a. caregiver, maybe it's small and simple. as like only talking on the phone when. you're able to call them, not the other. way around that they call you all the. time, like whatever it is, you're. entering the role of being more of a. parent to your parents, but they're not. the sole focus of your life, and that's. okay. You're allowed to put parameters. in place to make sure that you don't. become a full-time caregiver when you. genuinely just don't have the time to. And I also want to acknowledge that the.

expectations on how to show up for your. parents in this time of their lives, it. can be really also rooted in culture or. your family's background, right? You. might not be in a situation where it's. okay to be bringing outside help in, but. that doesn't mean you can't still find. ways to protect your own mental health, right? Whether it's with your family or. with work or with your friends, you need. to try to find some. section of your life to set boundaries. in. And that goes for everything, not. just with your parents, right? Cuz you.

can't just you can't be crashing out. being like, "I'm giving everything to. everyone and like I have nothing left.". No. In my opinion, setting boundaries. really just means you're allowing. yourself to be more present during the. time that you have with your parents or. with your partner, whoever, right? Because yes, there will be a day when. you don't get their calls anymore. There. will be a last holiday where you. orchestrated everything. There will be a. last plane ride together, and I don't. say that to be dark. I say that because.

when we allow ourselves to just fully. accept it, I think it's really helpful. when it comes to actually enjoying the. current moment. I don't know what. tomorrow or next week or next year with. my parents is going to hold, but I do. know now that whatever happens, we're. going to communicate through it, and in. the meantime, I can continue to show up. as their daughter in the day-to-day. This stage of independence is actually. it's a really sweet spot in your. relationship with your parents. You're. both giving and you're receiving in.

different ways, and if you're able to be. open about that, then this stage can. really just deepen that foundation. instead of destabilizing it, but the. first step is just acknowledging it. And. I know that isn't easy. There are days I. still get overwhelmed, and I'm scared. about what the future holds, but I also. know that my parents have equipped me. with the tools that I need to handle. those changes head-on. So, >> [sighs and gasps]. >> we're all just like sitting being like,

"Okay, there's a lot There's a lot going on. right now. Even if you're 30, 40, 50, 60, 100 years old, you never stop being. someone's child, okay? And I also love. it like Daddy Gang, we're all talking. about this right now. I don't know if. anyone is thinking of having kids. I. know I want to have kids. Like then one. day I'm going to be the [ __ ] woman, hopefully knock on wood I last that. long, that's like, "Can you come help me. with my taxes?" And my kids are showing. up. Like that's just the cycle of life, right? The relationship that you share.

with your parents, it's so sacred and. it's so complicated and there's so. There's just so much to these dynamics. and even after they're gone, even after you lose your parents or a. parent, whatever it be, like. they pass on to us what when we will. pass on to our children one day and so. forth and how we treat our friendships. and all that. So, there's so much that's. intertwined and it's at the core of who. we are is really what our relationship.

with our parents is and was and is going. to continue to be. It's so formative to. who we are as individuals and so to not. acknowledge your relationship with your. parents and it's changing. Like we do. this with friendships, we do this with. relationships, so we have to do this. with our parents, too. Your relationship with your parents is. not going to be stagnant for the rest of. your life. As much as we may want it to, as much as we may want them to do our. laundry and to cook us the chicken. noodle soup and to cradle us and tell us. everything's going to be okay. I mean, they can still do some of that,

but like I said, they can't walk you. into work every day. And if they are, girl, then you need to you need to get. into therapy, okay? Cuz we need to. adjust. Okay, I feel like we should like. answer a couple questions to like really. wrap this up and maybe end on a little. bit of a brighter, happier note. You. ready? Let's do it. Call Her Daddy is. brought to you by Airbnb. Okay, it is almost spring, which means. yes, it is about to be wedding season. The bachelorette invites are coming in.

The destination weddings, they're. stacking up. Your weekends, they're. gone, okay? Wedding season honestly can. be a lot, but Airbnb can help you make. the most of it. So, last year when Matt. and I flew out for one of our friends'. weddings, we decided to switch it up. from the hotel block and we split an. Airbnb with a group of our friends. instead. Honestly, it made the entire weekend one. that I will never ever forget. There was. a massive bathroom for all of the girls.

to get ready together in, which was. actually amazing cuz it actually had. good lighting. We had a jacuzzi waiting. for us after the wedding, so we could. keep the night going, plus a huge living. room where we all essentially rotted. during the next morning's hangover. debriefs, okay? Because we actually had. space, we never really felt cramped or. we never felt overwhelmed, and the. weekend just felt like a vacation. instead of an obligation, which was much. needed in the middle of wedding season. and all of the chaos that ensues with. that. As your calendar for the year.

starts filling up, one of the best. things that you can do is lock in the. right place to stay first. With Airbnb, you get the space you actually need, plus the amenities and location that. make the whole trip more fun and. enjoyable. Your next great trip starts. with a great place to stay, whether it's. a spacious apartment in the middle of. the city or a chic winter escape, Airbnb. has a place for your travel story. Okay. Question. one. Alex, please help. My ex and I were.

close friends before we ever dated, and. we share a huge mutual friend group at. home. Our relationship ended last year. mostly because of timing. We were at. different colleges, and long distance. just didn't end up working. It wasn't. some explosive breakup. He now plays. hockey and is planning to go overseas in. the fall. This summer back in our. hometown might be the last time I could. ever see him. I've accepted that the. relationship is over, but there are. still things I wish were just different. about the whole situation. Here's my.

question. I want to write him a letter. and give it to him this summer before he. leaves. We have no contact right now. anyway, so part of me thinks why not? I. know it might be dumb, but I don't want. to regret never telling him all my true. feelings before he goes away. This is. some Dear John type [ __ ] okay? And this. also sounds like Alex in college. Oh my god, I loved a letter. Oh, I loved. a letter. I loved a letter cuz you know. what? It was more manipulative. It was more for me to know that I was.

just going to like ruin him. Like, "Oh, he's going to be so in love." Like, I. needed him I needed him to just like. just chew on that. Like, "Ooh, chew on. that. Like, linger on that, buddy.". Like, giving a man a letter it just And. even if he did Like, if he threw it out, in your head you think like, "Damn, that's notebook type shit." Like, "Ooh, that has weight." Let me tell you. something. First of all, this man isn't. dead and he's not like going away to the. army. Like, he's going to play hockey. overseas. So, when you're worried you're.

never going to see this man again, he's. probably going to get cut, right? He's. probably going to get cut. He's going to. get homesick. He's going to come home. Also, there's Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, DMs, what You like FaceTime. You just FaceTime him. Like, you Don't. act like this is like we're done, we're. done, we're done. If like you could. contact him immediately. You could call. him right now. But, I get it. You're. like. you're almost convincing yourself like. this is it. Like, him leaving the. country is like the sign that like it's. over. So, let it be over, right? Instead.

of like then writing this letter because. what is the point of the letter? You. telling him your feelings, you're no. contact right now. It didn't work when. you were long distance in the same. country. It's definitely not going to. work now that he's out of the country. My fear is that you are romanticizing. this thing and him leaving, you're. convincing yourself that what? If you. write this letter, just write it to. yourself and then don't give it to him. If you give it to him, what do you want. out of it? Will it hurt more if you give.

him this letter and then he doesn't. contact you after? You're like, "Dear. John, every time I see a rose, I think of you. Every time I walk through the streets at. night with the twinkling stars, I think. of you. Every time I have a brisk brew. in the morning, I think of you. Every. time I smell peppermint, it reminds me. of that Christmas we spent under the. stars." Like, you're going to You're And. then he doesn't respond? You're going to. be like, "Huh? Huh?". Like, what are you You know? So, I think. a lot of this Like, a lot of times I. think us as girlies, we want to We want.

to get in there. We want to get. underneath it. We want to We want to get. validated that he did love us, that he. did care. He's gone. You know? And if he cared, he would be. He would be letting you know that he. cared. And so, my fear for you is you're. just going to get more hurt by writing. this really, really, really intense. letter that is just going to leave you. brokenhearted. Now, am I being a. hypocrite because I was someone who. would write letters? Yes. Yes. Yes. So,

let's talk about the letter cuz you're. going to write the letter. >> [laughter]. >> even if I tell you not to write the. letter because even if I was back in. college and I was listening to Call Her. Daddy, I would have written the letter. Do you know what I mean? So, I think. what the letter needs to say, now that. we've gone all the way backwards on what. I just told you to not do. Now, let's. just write the letter, right? I think. what you need to do is recognize what do. you want out of this, right? Do you want. him? How about this? He's in a different. country. He thinks, "Uh, I'm going to. get so much pussy.". But it's not going to feel the same as.

home. You know what I mean? It doesn't. feel like that homegrown [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> So, you got to remind him like, I'm here. and and and I don't even really think. that we're meant to be, but before you. go, this is more for me. And you almost. need to make it like, go go. Go go, John. Like, of course we're not. together, but like, this is closure for. myself. So, you almost he gets on that. Delta flight and he's like, oh, [ __ ] And then you almost make him. sick to his stomach that he's on that.

flight and that he's leaving. So, every. time he does, like, hook up with a new. girl, he's like, "Ooh." But he keeps it. in his bedside drawer cuz he's like, "Ooh, it it makes me feel cozy. It makes. She's She's I'm homesick for her.". You need to make him kind of pine over. you, but you need to let him know that. you're not pining over him. So, make. sure that the letter is not like, "If. only we could have worked out." It's. more like, "Hidden with all the [ __ ]. good ass times." And boom boom boom. boom, maybe throw in a nude there and be. like, "Oops, didn't mean to put that in. there." But then you're kind of like, "I'm moving forward, and I think in a. great way, like, you going to another.

country, like, this is such a good. restart for both of us, and I just had. to say this so I could fully move. forward and like start dating with like. no, you know, weight on my chest. Like, "Bye, John. Like, hope you score a few. goals." And then he's going to be like, "But. But Cassidy, I want to be deep in that. pussy." And you're like, "Well, you. better come back if you want this." And. then it will just reignite. You know. what I mean? Ugh. It was so fun to be toxic, but like, I. have no energy for it anymore. Like, I'm. just like too old now. I'm like, "Oh.

God, my back hurts thinking about all. the texting I was doing." Like, carpal. tunnel, you know what I mean? But the. letters I would write to a guy, I don't. know if I ever told the story of the. time where me and my like super super. super super super toxic ex-boyfriend. that I was like madly in love with, um I. was like forbidden to see him for like. so many different reasons, and I wrote. him 365. letters, and I left it on his doorstep. before I left for college. Yeah, um hi,

Ally from The Notebook. Yeah, me and. Rachel McAdams, I could have played the. part because I. And I let me tell you something, I was. in love with that man, but I more did it. for myself cuz I thought, "This is so. romantic. This is so epic. This is so. epic." I bought a box, I put the 365. letters in there. Every day I wrote him. a letter. I would. actually murder myself if I read. [laughter] those those letters now. What.

was I saying? I think I was honestly on. Tumblr like looking up quotes and then. they would be such good Tumblr quotes of. like the heartache and the pain of not. being able to be with the person you. love. Oh my god, honestly, they probably. were slay. Okay, I was like I was good. at writing, but when I think back to. that time I'm like, "Why was I doing. that?" I didn't even think he would read. any of the letters. I think it was for. myself. It was like cathartic. It was so. It was like artsy girl just like. brooding in the corner like wanting my. man back. And you know, I guess I. wouldn't take it back. At least you know.

what? They always say like don't put. something in writing. I could deny it. Like that's not my. handwriting. You know what I mean? A. text is forever. A letter, huh? You. could always You could always play it. off like it was someone else. Oh my that. totally wasn't me. That was someone. else. He faked it. So, write the letter. Yeah, I guess we're going all the way. back to this The moral of the story is. write the letter because it is so. it's so good. It's romantic. It's. pathetic. It's everything. And we're. alive once and you're going to look back. one day and be like, "Okay, remember.

when he went overseas and I wrote him. that [ __ ] [ __ ] ass letter?" The only. thing I would say actually, last note. and then we actually can move on, is you. have to take a picture of the letter. Because when I tell you. No, this it has to be our last question. This is just too good. When I tell you. when I look back. I think to myself of all the letters. that I've written men cuz. 365 boy, he wasn't the only one that. received a letter from a coop. Okay, actually stopped being the face, so.

cringe. Um, I would say that it is so. fun to go back and read your [ __ ] ass. letters when you get older and your. frontal lobe just like continues to. develop and you just keep getting. better. You look back at yourself and. you're like, "Oh my god, sweetie, you were so pathetic. I'm obsessed with. you." Or you're like, "You were so good. I could never." Like, there are parts of. myself when I read certain letters that. I wrote. Oh, ah, I WAS LIKE, "THAT IS. grade A type [ __ ] I need to give this. to someone to put into a movie." I found.

a box recently of letters that my exes. wrote me, even [ __ ] better. Oh my. god, give him a return address. Put your. address on there so he could maybe What. if you guys start Oh my god, if he. starts writing you letters, you are Oh. my god, you're going to have a goldmine. Like, I'm telling you as a 31-year-old. woman who had so many different. relationships and a lot of them were. just not the healthiest. A lot of them. were letter, you know, letter driven. It's so good because now as a stable.

person, I read them and it's better than. reality TV. I'm like, "I can't believe. this is real." Like, a man sat down, a. professional athlete sat down when he. was in like Wisconsin for his game that. night and before the game, he sat down. pen to paper. It says like, "The Westin". or like whatever [ __ ] like, "The. Marriott" and he's like writing down. like, "Alex.". >> [laughter]. >> Alex,

I got your letter. I got your letter. I know things have been tense. Being on. the road, I wish you were my bed. Ah, my. god, you have to write this letter. Even. if nothing comes of it, DM me and let's. make a TV show out of this. Ah, we know hockey sells, right? Hockey. boy leaves the country, you're. rendezvousing it up, you're writing. letters back and forth, there's like a. little. trist and a little you fly across and. you meet him and he's with another woman.

and then you try to leave but he pulls. out the letter and says, "Remember when. you told me I was the love of your. life?" And you're like, "But you're. lying." And then this whole thing. Oh my. god, and then you say and you [ __ ] his. [ __ ] coach and it's the whole Oh my. god, you're so writing the letter. Oh, you're writing the letter. That is such. a good way to end this episode. Oh my. god, I need to go get my letters and we. should read them on this [ __ ] show. >> [laughter]. >> I get like five cease and desists. They're like, "No.". Um, ooh, it's good. Um, all right, well,

that's it for this week's episode. That. took a turn. I can't I almost forgot the. fact that this whole episode started on. us being like, "Oh my god, like our. parents are dying. This is like really. depressing. Like they're on their way. out. What are we going to do?" And now. I'm like, let's go write a rom-com. Dear John, things can change in an. instant on Call Her Daddy. You know what. I mean? Wow. I'm feeling inspired. Um, I'm going to. go write a screenplay. Okay. [laughter]. Daddy gang, thank you so much for tuning. in and prepare yourselves because we.

have a very very very. interesting episode coming out this. week. Some drama, some tea. Also, the. Hannah Montana 20th anniversary special. is dropping on this Tuesday, so get. ready, get set. Please don't go. Okay, love you guys. I will see you on. Wednesday. Bye. >> [music]. [music].