Jay Shetty: The Rules for Falling in Love and Not Messing It Up (Full Episode)

What is up, Daddy gang? It is your. founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call. Her Daddy. Jay Shetty, welcome to Call Her Daddy. >> I'm so grateful to be here. I'm so happy. to have you here. I feel like we've. become quick podcast friends. Everyone I. went on Jay's show the first It was I. don't really go on podcast, and you made. me feel so comfortable. So, I'm so happy. to have you here now at my studio, keeping the comfortable vibe. You're.

amazing. People loved you, as always, as. expected, but I think people love seeing. that side of you. And I'm just so. grateful that you gave me that. opportunity. So, thank you so much. >> Well, thank you, because now we're going. to learn from the master today. We're. going to talk about love. The real. reason you're here is you have a new. book out, The 8 Rules of Love. Yes. I. read this and was like, Daddy gang. Every single person listening today, you. are going to learn something, because I. learned so much from your book. What inspired you to write a book.

breaking down all things love-related? So, I think I just had so many friends, clients, and people in my life for the. last few years that had a passionate. career, but they felt unfulfilled, because they didn't have love in their. life. Or they were hustling, and they. were making things happen, but then. their partnership was falling apart, their relationship was falling apart, and that was affecting their. self-esteem. And I started to find that. whether you were at the beginning of. your career or at the peak of your. career, if you weren't figuring out your. relationship, it was causing massive.

issues with self-worth, self-esteem, and. self-respect. And so, I realized that no. matter what you achieve in your life, if. we don't pay close attention to this, we're going to feel extremely. disconnected from the quality of our. lives. And so, I don't want people to. live their lives. feeling unhappy, dissatisfied. And then, let's talk about this, school didn't. teach us is to fall in love, it didn't. teach us how to find people. It didn't. teach us how to keep love. Our parents. may have struggled. Most people didn't.

see a great example. If you did, you're. extremely fortunate. So, we didn't have. a good example at home. And then, when. you look at your friends and family. members, you see a lot of dysfunction. And so, I wanted to study all of that. I. wanted to look in within the. dysfunctions I've had in my own life, and then go, "Okay, how do we actually. give people a guidebook, a map, and not. tell them how to do it and what to do. perfectly, but give them everything they. need to think about along the way?". We're going to get into all of this, but. let's start from the beginning. The. first rule you write in your book is let.

yourself be alone. We see it all the. time. People can convince themselves to. stay like in a really bad relationship. rather than ending it and just being. good with being alone. How can people. get over the hump of actually breaking. up with someone they know is not good. for them and be alone? Yeah, I'm so glad. we started here because I've wrote a. book about love and relationships, and. the first chapter is about being alone, and everyone was like, "Jay, what are. you doing?" But, the research shows that.

when you get into a relationship because. you're scared of being alone, raise your. hand if you've ever got with someone. because you were scared of being alone. and single. Both our hands are up. Everyone Everyone in the room Everyone. in the room's up. [laughter] Everyone in. the room's hands are up. We've all done. that. And here's what happens when you. get into a relationship because you're. scared of being alone. The first thing. that happens is you settle for less than. you deserve. The second thing that. happens is you become more dependent on. them. And the third thing that happens. because of the first two is you are so.

scared of breaking up with them. You. struggle to break up with that person, which is the core of your question. And the reason for that, and we have to. dive into why that happens. Like, when. when I get to the question of like, "How. do you break up with someone when you. know they're not right for you?" We have. to go backwards and look at how we ended. up there. We ended up there because. society makes you feel less than when. you're lonely. If you went to school and. you had a birthday party and no one. showed up, you were the loner. If you. sat alone at the lunch table at school, you were the weirdo. If you're in your.

20s or 30s or maybe even 40s and you. turn up at a wedding without a plus one, it's like, "Aw, poor you." And so, society's made being alone the victim. And so, somehow that's gone inside our. minds and we've gone, "Oh, wait a. minute. If I leave this person, that. reflects on my self-worth.". And what I want people to understand is. the difference between compatibility. and self-worth. You may be incompatible.

with someone, but that doesn't mean that. that's a reflection of yourself-worth. And so, we need to disconnect the idea. that just because this person's not. right for me doesn't mean I'm bad. The. way you just described that, it's so. fascinating to actually, if you dissect. the concept of like, you're right, being. alone has always been something that you. feel shame for. And then I think as we. get into our adulthood, we start to. realize like, "Shit, I feel so. uncomfortable when I'm alone, but I. think that's what I'm supposed to feel.

the most comfortable with." But how do I. achieve that? Again, back to like, no. one taught us that being alone is. actually very cool and it's like the. sexiest thing about someone is if you. can be good on your own, you're going to. attract better energy because you are an. independent, fully formed human being. that's not then attaching yourself to. someone else just because you're trying. to fill a void or a need. Throughout the. book, you use your own love story with. your wife, Roddy, as a reference point. for the reader. Where were you at in your life when you.

met your wife and how did you grapple. with being alone prior to finding your. person? >> When I met my wife, I hadn't been on a. date. in probably around 3 to 4 years. And. then all of a sudden, I'm, you know, dating this girl that that I'm really. into. And I go back to all my old habits. So, I'm trying to impress her with. everything. By the way, I have no money. I'm $25,000 in debt. I don't have a job. And I'm trying to craft this thing to.

her that I'm really cool and I have it. and I know what I'm doing. And so, what. I'm doing is I'm tutoring kids on the. side, like students, making like 20. pounds an hour from teaching economics. to a student at university or college, saving up to pay for our dates, and then. trying to pull off the most expensive. epic show off 18-year-old dates that I. thought were impressive. >> Classic. And so, I took her to Locanda. Locatelli, which is like this Michelin. star, like David Beckham goes there. It's in London. I can't I couldn't.

afford it to save my life. I like save. up everything I possibly can to to book. a table there. You can never get a. reservation. I took her to see Wicked in. theater, like saving up for that. So, I'm saving up like literally my 20 pound. an hour student payments to pay for a. date. And I'm realizing, what am I. doing? And the best thing was my wife came to. all these things and she Now I know. obviously I know her. We've been. together for 10 years, but at the time I. didn't know. I thought that's what women. want. >> When you start dating and if you're not. so self-assured with yourself and who.

you are and what you can offer in a. relationship and confident, I think. that's a huge thing, right? You can then. start to try to appease the person. sitting across from you, like, "What do. they want? What do they want?" It's. like, "Hey, hey, hey, what do you want? What would you naturally want to give. this person? And what kind of. experiences would you want?". >> I would say that I felt confident about. who I was internally, but I was really. unconfident about what I had externally. Because I didn't have a job. I didn't. have money. I didn't have a car. I. didn't have a home. I didn't have.

anything. And because I thought that's. what relationships were value-based on, I was devaluing myself. And I think we. all do that, right? Like we just we find. another way to find one of our own. inadequacies and devalue ourselves. And. that's the thing, we're trying to. devalue who we are and value what we. think the other person will value. And. that. paradox, like that challenge, ends up. making you move so far away from who you. are that actually that person could have. fallen in love with that. And I think I.

feel the opposite now and it's really. interesting where and I'm sure I'm sure. you've gone through some form of this, but I found that as I became more. externally successful, I wanted my wife. to validate my external success. So, every time I'd win an award, I'd be. like, "Look what I did. Like, look how. cool this is." Or like, when we did. something big, I'd be like, "Love me for this. Like, please. appreciate me for this." And luckily, I. have a wife who humbles me in every. possible way and just doesn't care. And.

and I started to realize that actually. my wife loves me for who I am and I. should just see that as the greatest. truth and accept that rather than. constantly trying to get her to love her. for stuff that I have. Yeah, that that. reminds me of something I I really. appreciated you talked about in your. book and I actually pulled a quote cuz I. thought it was so powerful. Something I. say all the time and I think we're. aligned on this is like, the best way to. get into a relationship, I always think, is to focus on yourself. Really focus. on, obviously without being fully.

selfish, like, what do you want? Who are. you? What do you need in a relationship? That's when you're going to attract. someone that then's going to be a great. partner for you. You wrote in your book, "In solitude, we practice giving. ourselves what we need before we expect. it from someone else. People determine. how to treat us in large part by. observing how we treat ourselves. A. relationship with someone else won't. cure your relationship with yourself.".

Can you give us an example of like, how. do people negatively talk to themselves. and how does that impact then how. they're going to be treated? Yeah, so I. think that. a great example would be we think like. I'm. I'm not smart. And so or I'm not. intelligent or I don't have anything. valuable to say. And I have a bunch of. friends who. the world would consider absolutely. stunning and gorgeous and beautiful and. everything else, but they're super smart. and intelligent, but they never show.

that side of themselves because they're. scared they're not allowed to be that. And what ends up happening with that is. you never show and display that side of. yourself. So in a conversation when a. topic comes up, you stay quiet. Uh when you have something to say, you. remain silent. So you're constantly like. suppressing your own voice. And now what. you don't realize is that you've created. a persona for that person to fall in. love with. And if that person falls in. love with that persona, now you've got. to act and perform for the rest of your. life, right? >> Exhausting. >> Exhausting. Or chances are they don't.

like that person because they would have. liked you, but now you've started to. think there's even more inadequacies in. you. So I think what ends up happening. is. I think we've just been made to believe. that there are certain things that. people are attracted to and there are. certain things that people are not. And. I think when you play that game, you run. the risk of not being attracted to. yourself anymore. And I think that. that's the most dangerous thing. You're. right. A lot of life is about viewing. ourselves through the eyes of other. people. And if you don't really know.

yourself, you're probably yourself worth. is going to be predicated on how other. people view you. And if you're seeing. someone treating you a certain way. though, what we don't realize and what. you so beautifully write in your book is. like because you're probably giving that. energy that you treat yourself that way. and you're not even noticing it. You. don't speak up or you talk you literally. talk down on yourself to a group of. people. And so you are devaluing. yourself in their eyes. And the only way. that people are going to then all all a.

sudden start to treat you as an equal or. what your worth is, especially in. romantic relationships, is if you carry. yourself in the way that you want to be. treated and you actually can see. yourself, but you can't get there unless. you actually do the work. I've done a. few episodes talking about how our. relationship with our parents and our. siblings has so much influence on our. behaviors and our life course. I love. that these two lines are literally in. bold in your book. You write I this is.

so smart. I love this part. If. there is a gap in how our parents raised. us, we look to others to fill it. And if there is a gift in how our. parents raised us, we look to others to. give us the same. Which I immediately, I. mean, there's so many gaps and there's. so many obviously gifts that my parents. gave me, but like just a personal note, I was fortunate my parents are still. very in love.

How I they've been together for 30, 40. years. >> I love that. Totally. And everyone would. always look at it when I was young like. you are so lucky. And I feel that way. But then I started dating and I was like. I had the craziest standards because I. was like no one is going to be the way. that my dad treats my mom. Like I it's a. perfect relationship. And so everyone. has the way that they look at it like oh. I was up from this way or this. way. If your parents are divorced, you're up. If your parents are. together, you're up, right? Like. it's all the same. So how can figuring.

out the gifts our parents gave us and. the gaps that they left impact how we. operate in dating. Yeah, that's such a. great question and thanks for sharing. your personal because that that's. exactly how I wanted it to hit that I I. don't want people to be like oh yeah, well Alex, your parents are great so. you're lucky like you should be and it's. like well no, no, no, you don't. understand like it's really hard for me. to find someone to make me feel that. way. The first thing is I want everyone. to know what their gaps are and the way. you and I exercises all over the book to. help you do this deeply, but in essence,

the way to build a gap or figure out. your gap is obvious. It's like, what do. you feel you wish you got from your. parents that you didn't get? Maybe it. was praise. Maybe it was encouragement. Maybe it was belief. Maybe it was. presence and energy. You just wish they. were there at your football game or you. just wish that they showed up to your. dance rehearsal or whatever it may have. been. What are those gaps that have been. left out? I want you to go fill those gaps. yourself. I want you to go do each and. every one of those for yourself. If your. parents didn't compliment you,

compliment yourself. If you didn't If. your parents didn't show up for what you. love, show up for what you love. If your. parents didn't turn up at your games or. whatever it was, make sure you're. turning up. Are you Have you given up on. your passion because your parents didn't. show up for you? And so, I want people. to fill that gap themselves because what. that does is that now when you go meet. another human, you allow them to just be. themselves and give you love in the way. that they like to show it, rather than. them trying to figure out how to be your. dad or your mom. And I think that that's.

often what happens is that we become a. project and we're looking for someone to. fix us. And what we do is we. become broken, hoping that we're going. to find a fixer, and exhaust the fixer. trying to fix us because we're broken. from something that they never did. Call. Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. When Matt and I sat down over New Year's. to set our 2026 goals for Unwell, we. came back and hit the ground running and. literally have not stopped since.

Between filming Call Her Daddy, um the. special in Korea, or Love Overboard, a. pop-up in Austin, it literally feels. like we've been around the world and. back 10 times this year already. So, the. other weekend we decided it was time to. slow down for a second and plan a little. trip for us. We booked a stay on Airbnb. in Big Sur, and it was exactly what we. needed. The house had an outdoor patio. overlooking the cliffs, and in the. morning we could make coffee and just. sit outside and read together. It was. very wholesome. Matt spent the first day.

playing golf, and I gave him moral. support from the golf cart, of course. But really, I was there just for that. Aperol spritz at the clubhouse. Do you. know what I mean? Our place also wasn't. too far from downtown Carmel, so we. walked through the cute cobblestone. streets and even ended up at their. weekly farmers market, which was again. so wholesome. On our last night, we canceled our. dinner reservation and we just picked up. a few things to cook back at the house, which ended up being my favorite part of. the trip. So, Daddy Gang, as we come out.

of winter and we're starting to plan. some spring trips, one of the best. things that you can do is book your stay. on Airbnb. You'll get the space, amenities, and location you need to make. your stay fun, seamless, and. comfortable. Whether you need a place. for extended family or somewhere. charming and exciting for you and a plus. one, you'll find all kinds of options to. help make the perfect trip on Airbnb. If you don't fill in those gaps for. yourself, back to what you were saying. earlier, you're then going to enter a. relationship and want that person to.

fill the gap for you, and you'll never. even know if that's the right person for. you, because if your gaps were filled, you probably would have a very different. compatibility rather than you're finding. someone that's like filling your need. for compliments, filling your need for. this. Well, imagine if that was filled, would you even be with that person? What. would your relationship be like if they. didn't have to constantly fill you up in. certain areas? >> And then the gift spa is looking at the. same things as what you just said, like, what were the way your parents loved you. or showed you love that you thought were.

beautiful, that you thought were. amazing, and then ask yourself, is that. something that I want or is that. something my parents had and it was. beautiful for them, but maybe I don't. want that. Like, maybe that's not. exactly how I want it to be. And when. you figure out the gifts that you. received, now what you're going to do is. when you meet someone, you're going to. realize if they give those gifts, that's. amazing, but don't become blind to the. other gifts that they want to give you. And I think so often we're like, "Well, they're not giving me these three things. that I really wanted." And you're. missing out on all this amazing stuff. that they're giving over here because.

you don't think that's love. You think. love looks like ABC. And if they're. giving you XYZ, you're like, "No, no, no, but that's not love. This is love.". And I think so often we limit how people. love us because we put limits on what. love looks like to us. And so, I'll give. you a practical example of this with me. and my wife. So, me and my wife have. completely different love languages. We. have completely different parenting. situations. For my wife, love was shown. by presents and time and energy. Her. parents took the day off on her.

birthday. They would take her out on. long walks. They'd spend lots of quality. family time together. My parents didn't. have lots of time. They were working. really hard to make sure that we had. enough money and had enough food and. working hard to take care of me and my. sister. So, my parents gave me gifts. They would save up to buy me the one. thing I wanted. So, when we met, I just. wanted someone who'd buy me epic gifts. And my wife's like cooking an amazing. meal and making all this time and. energy. And I'm going, "Well, why didn't. I get the gift I wanted?" And And that's.

how the gifts and the gaps play through. because your love language is just based. on the gift and the gaps you had. But. what I'm saying is don't Don't limit. love to your love language. Your partner. may be able to express love in a far. more beautiful, greater way, and you're. just missing out on it. Speaking of, you. know, material items, you talk a lot. about the tradition around diamond rings. and the culture around engagements just. in general. >> You also mentioned Disney princess.

movies and how we were taught from a. young age like your prince will come and. your life will be complete. Um what is. the fallout from this fairy tale fantasy. that all of us grew up watching? Yeah, I. have to tell you this story. It's. I think you may have may have read part. of it, but I think I I want everyone to. hear it because it's it's amazing. So, when I was deciding to propose to my. wife, I went to my brother-in-law and I. was like, "Dude, I think I'm going to. propose.". And he was the only person in my life at. that time who'd already got engaged and. married. So, I was like, "Okay, he's the. right person to go to." And I was like,

"Okay, I want to propose. Uh how much should I spend on a ring? I've no idea, right? I've never. thought about getting an engagement ring. for anyone before, never been into a. store, no idea how much it cost." And he. was like, "Oh, yeah, you should spend. two to three months' salary." He He just. threw that number out there. And I was. like, "Okay, cool." And then I went and. asked another friend who was about to. propose, and he was like, "Yeah, yeah, two to three months' salary." So, I. started to hear two to three months from. a lot of my male friends. I didn't make. a lot at the the time, and I was like, "Okay, two to three months' salary.

Okay, cool." And so, I was [snorts]. like, "Fine." I went and spent two to. three months' salary. I proposed. I We. got married. She said, "Yes." Well, the. rest of it. And then years later, when I. was researching this cuz I was thinking. about this, and I was like, "How did. everyone know that number? Like, where. did that number come from?". Literally, in 1977, De Beers has a commercial. You can. YouTube this. And in that commercial, it's this black and white commercial. There's like silhouettes of a man and a. woman. And at the end of it, in this.

silhouette, there's a diamond ring. that's sparkling and shining that's. going onto the finger. And it literally. says, "What better way to spend two to. three months' salary?" In 1977. A full marketing ploy. >> marketing ploy. What advice can you give. around being happy with what you have as. opposed to focusing on what you don't. have? >> Happiness actually sits at the. intersection. of gratitude and growth. And so, I would.

encourage anyone who's listening to. genuinely be grateful for what you have, but then think about who you want to. and who you want to grow into, not the. house or the car or the external thing, because. we both know this and everyone knows. this and I I will never be the person. who say money doesn't buy happiness or. money's not important. I I just don't. like that rhetoric. Uh I think it's. unhealthy because it makes people feel. like. well, A, it makes people feel bad if. they do want that, but it also feels.

like it always comes from people who are. already financially stable who say stuff. like that. I'd actually say that you. need growth in your life constantly, but. the goal is to bring out growth. I. appreciate that cuz I think even just in. the world of social media, everything we. just talked about of like you viewing. things that make you feel less than or. you're not adequate enough and and then. it's like and then on top of it just. where you're at in your life, I think a. lot of times I think the younger. generation is having a hard time finding. their own path of growth because there's.

a lot of people trying to be like, "I. want to be like that person." or "I want. to be like that person." cuz people are. more accessible and sharing more of. their life. And although it can be. someone that you look up to and you're. like, "I appreciate how they do that." I. think there's been a little too much of. people trying to quite literally emulate. exactly what people are doing on the. internet and I think growth wise it's. you're in danger of not allowing. yourself to. pave your own path and figure out what's. good for you. We all learn from people.

that came before us, but I do think. there's there's some type of like. copycat mentality that it's like, "Wait, wait, but what do you want? Do you even. You're watching that person on TikTok, but like do you even like that?" And. they're like, "No, it just looks cool.". Well, then maybe carve your own path. I. thought what you wrote in your book was. interesting and I kind of want you to. talk about this because you talk about. there's five people that we fall for, right? The rebel, the chase, the project, the boy, and the opulent one. Yeah.

When I read that, I was like, this was. my ex-boyfriend, this was my They're. like first boyfriend. Like, I was. obsessed with it. >> them up, yeah. Can you explain what the. opulent one is? >> Yes, yeah, absolutely. So, I had to put. this one in there because I think this. is the most uh. misguiding one. This is the one that you. don't quite understand. So, the opulent. one is the idea that they have one thing. that you really like about them. So, you. may look at Obviously, the obvious one. is they're so attractive. The other one.

is like, oh, they're so smart. Like, I. love the way they think. Or, oh, they're. so educated. They went to a great. school, right? So, you find one thing. >> Rich. Yeah, rich, right? Like, oh, he he. or she drives a nice car. Like, he or. she is famous, whatever it may be. You. find one thing and you start giving. someone other qualities because they. have that quality. So, I'll give an. example. You say, oh, he's rich, which. must mean he's organized. Got it. He'll. be an organized partner. Oh, they're.

good-looking, they're trustworthy, right? I can trust them. We think. anything we find attractive about. someone, we start to give them softer. qualities. We're like, oh, they must be. kind. They went to a good school, they. must be nice. They must come from a good. family. And we just start giving people. all this ammunition. >> That's so. >> Cuz we start painting a picture. And so, the opulence completely is an illusion. because now you're not letting someone. earn the right to be those things. You're not letting them become those.

things or demonstrate those things. You're just assuming. And I think that. that's really unnerving because it's so. intoxicating. Like, when you're attracted We all know. what that feels like. >> Yeah, I've had an opulent one, Jay. >> Yeah, exactly. When you're attracted to. someone, it is so intoxicating. that you will push yourself out of these. reasoning techniques. And the reason I. put these all there was just like, please reflect if this is all you're. doing. And I'm not saying you shouldn't. go after someone you're attracted to. I'm just saying check that the other.

things you think they have, they. actually have. Don't just give it to. them because you assume that they must. have these abilities. So, I did this. little uh. uh video on Instagram recently, which I. think made the point. And I I I lit a. match, and I was like, "This is what. chemistry feels like." And it's amazing. And then I lit a candle with it. I was. like, "This is what connection and. compatibility looks like. It's going to. burn a lot longer. This This match is. going to run out." And so, the idea. being that like, I'm not saying you. shouldn't feel chemistry. I want. everyone to feel chemistry. But, chemistry is just this one specific.

spark. And now your job is to turn that. spark into a burning flaming candle. But, if you don't make that transition, that spark in and of itself is not going. to create love. It's the idea of how the. chemical. what's happening chemically. And I think. we have to look at that. So, when you. find someone attractive, there's two. things happening. You're experiencing. attraction, but you're also experiencing. stress. So, there's attraction of like, "Oh, they're hot." The stress is, "Do. they think I'm hot?". The attraction is, "Oh, they're really.

smart. I really like how they think.". The stress is, "Do they like how I. think?" And so, there's this When you. first meet someone, you're experiencing. attraction and stress, and that's what. feels like chemistry. Now, the science. shows that what happens as you become. more comfortable with each other is the. stress decreases because you now. actually they make you feel distressed. cuz you feel comfortable with them, but. we see that comfort as anti-chemistry. We see that comfort that that person now. provides is the spark is gone, but it. isn't that. It's literally a feeling of.

our bodies. >> I think everyone always says like, "The. spark is gone." And you even talk about. the flame versus the candle. It's like, "The spark isn't gone. Your stress is. now down. You're now not so freaking. nervous to walk into a room and. wondering like, 'Is he going to think I. look good?'" And it's like, "Well, now. there you've been with them for a while. You know they find you attractive. You're comfortable." And so, eventually. when you get into the right. relationship, it there is nothing better. than that comfortability because they. are the person that you trust. And that. trust is built where the stress comes.

down and the trust raises, I think. And. so, some people get a little. stressed out about that different. dynamic. But then you have to look. internally of like, why are you so. addicted to the chaos? And I was for a. very long time. Like if I look back at. my relationships, I'm like, I was so. addicted to drama. And like all the guys. that I was dating, it had to be. something because I wasn't ready to. settle down. And then when I was, I. started to look for those qualities of. trust and not feeling so on edge and not.

feeling insecure. And then all of a. sudden I was like, oh, that's definitely. more of the vibe in the person I want to. be around. But it takes time. >> time. It takes time. >> Daddy gang, you guys know I love a good. sweat set, right? But when it comes to. the Met Gala, I am locked in, okay? I am. watching every single arrival. I'm. texting my friends about which looks I'm. obsessed with, which I love, which I. don't love the style of. Like, I'm. clocking every couple that just like. hard launched on the carpet. Like, I'm. in it, okay? Since Anna Wintour has.

stepped down from Vogue's. editor-in-chief, I feel like there's so. much anticipation for this year in. particular. We're like, what is going to. happen? All of us are like, what's going. down? And the theme this year is costume. art. So, I personally can't wait to see. how creative everyone is going to get. Everyone has an opinion on this night, obviously, and I will be using. Polymarket to see which ones are. actually right. This is my favorite. thing, you guys. Polymarket is the. world's largest prediction market where. you can see what people are thinking and. what they think is going to happen.

before it actually does. With. Polymarket, you'll see real questions. about what's going on in pop culture. And the prices basically show what. people think is most likely. So, example, before the Met Gala, I can go. on and check, okay, who's going to wear. Chanel? Who's going to show up together? And who didn't make the list this year? And because people actually have a stake. in their predictions, they tend to be. more accurate. It basically gives you a. really clear idea of what people are. noticing before it becomes the obvious.

take all over Tik Tok. And it's not just. the Met Gala. Maybe you're predicting. who's going to walk the Victoria's. Secret Fashion Show, which Love Island. couple, hello, will actually stay. together after the show, or who's going. to win, or who's headlining Coachella. next year, okay? Basically, anything. that you're already paying attention to. in pop culture, there is now a place to. predict it. So, if you're always calling. things early and sharing hot takes with. your boyfriend on date night or your. best friend, those opinions actually. have somewhere they can now go. It's. free to sign up and just easy to use.

Download Polymarket, now available in. the United States. Have fun. Call Her. Daddy is brought to you by T-Mobile. Okay, Daddy Gang. I am starting to think a night in may. actually be the new night life. Uh, where am I in my life right now, okay? I. have been working so much lately that. all I want to do at the end of a long. day is hang out on my couch. There is. just nothing better than getting into.

comfy clothes, pulling out some of my. favorite snacks, curling up with Henry. and Bruce, and Matt. You can join too, Matt. And doing absolutely nothing. And. on those nights in, T-Mobile has me. covered with value that keeps on. stacking up the more I use it. Like. streaming benefits and snack perks that. truly deliver. The math is mathing. With. so many perks and benefits, T-Mobile is. basically making staying in a lifestyle. So, you know what? I love you even more.

now, T-Mobile, okay? My go-to recently. has been popping on a reality TV show, ordering a whole pizza, and hitting next. episode all night long with a side of. ranch, okay? And if you have T-Mobile. like I do, you won't believe how good. staying in can be. Check it out at. t-mobile.com/magentastatus. Disclaimer, streaming benefits included. while you maintain a qualifying line in. good standing. When looking back at past relationships,

what types of things should we look to. examine to make future relationships. easier? When you're starting, it's. better to look at pace. I think one of the things in a. relationship, I would look back on your. relationships and look at how fast did. they get serious, intimate, or close. And I would analyze. the pace of the relationship. And you. find that relationships that have a. steadier, slower build.

help you make better decisions. And so, I'm not saying that if you have a slower. rise, you're more likely to stay. together. I'm just saying that if it. doesn't move in too fast, if you don't. fall in love too fast, you have the. ability to make healthier, better. decisions sooner before you're too. attached and you're too deep in. So, I. would look at pace of relationship and. go, "Let me look back in my last few. relationships and ask myself, did I fall. in love too fast? Maybe did I fall in. love too slow? Was I too skeptical or. was I too optimistic?" Uh I would look. at was I letting the person show me who.

they were. or was I painting the picture of who I. thought they were? And I think that in. and of itself. is everything. Like, we're constantly. not actually letting people earn their. stripes. And this applies to trust. Like, I talk about trust a lot and and. you just brought it up and that's why. it's on my mind. And I created these four levels of. trust. We often think of trust as binary. Like, we think of like, I trust you or I don't.

trust you. And that's how we think about. people. You walk in the room and like, "Yeah, you're trustworthy. You're not. trustworthy. I would go home with you. I. wouldn't go home with you. You can drop. me home, you can't drop me home. So, we. think of trust as black and white, but. trust isn't. It's It's actually levels. And so, the first level of trust is zero. trust. When you meet someone, I don't. care how good-looking they are, I don't. care how smart they are, I don't care. where they went to college or how much. money they had, don't trust them. They've got to earn that trust from you. And I know that sounds really dark, but. it's not. It's give them the opportunity.

to show you where they're trustworthy. So, they may say, "I'm going to pick you. up at 7:00 p.m." They picked you up at. 7:00 p.m. They may say, "I'm going to. text you on Sunday." They texted you on. Sunday. These are like signs of. transactional trust. That's the next. level. There's a transactional trust. They say something and they live up to. it. Then the third level of trust is. reciprocal trust. Now you're getting. deeper where it's like you do nice. things for each other, but you're not. checking in. You're not having to check. every minute detail, but you know it's. going to be reciprocated. And the. highest level is unconditional trust, which is like God-level trust, which to.

be honest, beyond your parents, probably. most people are never going to have it. But we want that so bad that someone. does one nice thing for us, we're like, "They're the best. They're amazing. Like. I'm done. Like, you know, I love them. They They won. Like, they're They're not. like my ex at all." And it's like, "Guys, they got one thing right." Like. that's okay. That's great. And I'm not. saying you got to test the person. I'm. just saying, just don't trust them based. on a couple of things. And so, I think. pacing is what I would look at from a. last relationship. I would look at how. much you let them show you who they were.

versus you made them who you wanted them. to be. It's. so good, Jay, because I think. you're so right. Everyone can fall in. the spectrum of like either you're. someone that trusts so fast, and it's. like, "Wait, did you even know them?". Now all of a sudden you're getting. engaged, and it's like, "Do you even. know their childhood trauma or what they. Like, you don't know anything about. them, and you've just trusted them to. like hold your heart and go forward.". And it's like, "Hold on." And then when. one weird thing happens, and you're. going to your friends crying, they're. like, "Well, did you ask him?" And.

they're like she's like, "No." And I. think the other side can be people that. have a really hard time trusting. And. even as much as someone's showing you, there's clearly something from your past. that's withholding you from being able. to move forward because it's like, I've seen relationships, I've done it in. the past where they're like, "I have. literally done nothing. Why do you not. trust me?" And it's cuz I didn't heal my. past relationship where someone broke. that trust. And so it's like, everyone's. going to have a different level, but I. think the pace is such an interesting.

concept because I know from my personal. current relationship, we were in the. pandemic, it moved way too fast in the. very beginning. And I made a very, very. hard conscious decision that I worked on. in therapy to slow it down so I could we. I was like, we need to go back and. pretend we're not in the pandemic. We're. spending so much time, which is great, but we're moving too fast. We can't move. in together yet. We've only been dating. for like six months. Like, hold. on. And so I think you can always alter.

the pace. You're never too far gone. There's always times to reel it in, but. you have to be with a partner that's. willing to also adjust pace-wise and not. be like, "What the are you talking. about? We like we live together. We. don't need to talk about that now.". Well, no, I realize we've never had a. conversation about XYZ. So pacing can. also be on your terms and you can. dictate it, but you have to have a. partner that's willing also to work with. you on it. >> the point you just made that it can. change at any time. This isn't like, "Oh, I messed up in the beginning and. moved too fast." I'd say the same with. me and my wife actually. I'd say in the. beginning we moved way too fast. We.

spent every day together because I. didn't have a job. We spent every day. together for like six months. And then. all of a sudden I got a job and now I. couldn't see her every day and it. shifted and so the pace changed again. Yeah. >> And so I I fully agree with you that the. pace can change at any time. And the. reason why I talk about pace is just you. make better decisions when you have more. time and you have more clarity and you. don't feel pressure. Uh all the research shows that when you. are clear of mind, you can deal with.

seven things at once. But when you're. stressed, that number goes down to. three. And acute stress, it gets lower. and lower and lower. And so when you. start making really big decisions based. on really small pieces of information, you're going to make some unhealthy. choices. Another research study I read. that blew my mind was that. this really hit me, especially with. I'm someone who really likes to make new. friends. Um and I like building new connections. with people I feel a similar value. And this uh science really blew my mind.

It said it takes 40 hours of spending. time with someone to consider them a. casual friend. 40 hours. I was like, "Wow, I haven't spent 40 hours with a. lot of people." Of course, I do think. things like interviewing someone, being. interviewed by someone, podcasting, there are certain things like deep. intimate conversations, vulnerable. conversations, accelerate this this. journey. 100 hours counts as a good friend. And 200 hours counts as a great friend. So the question when you're dating after.

you have to ask yourself is, "Do I want. to spend 200 hours with this person?". And have I spent 200 hours with this. person? It's a great metric to like just. check because it gives you something. tangible when your feelings are like. running ahead at like. >> Totally. Like Daddy Gang, don't you dare be. telling some guy you love him and you. haven't even spent like 80 hours. together. Like let's like like fourth. date, I get it. It can feel like it's. very exciting, but you don't really know. that person yet. So maybe like hold hold. your cards a little closer to the chest.

>> Yeah. >> The next rule that you talk about that I. I think is very very important is define. love before you think it, feel it, or. say it. >> Yeah. So Jay, how do you define love? I. define love romantically as when you. like someone's personality, when you respect their values. and when you're committed to helping. them achieve their goals. And the reason why I define love that.

way is liking personality is obvious and. that goes back to do I want to spend 200. hours with this person, do I want to. spend 2,000 hours with this person, and. 20,000 hours with this person. Respecting someone's values, I use that. word very carefully. Most people feel. that relationships are where you have. the same values and that you're on this. magical search to find someone who. believes in the same stuff you believe. in. That is so hard and so impossible and I.

don't even want to put fairy dust on it. I don't think that's going to happen. because people are so different, we're. wired so differently. Yes, we can have. shared values, but we have Trump values. and priority values. And so I'll give an. example with me and my wife. My wife. values family above everything. Her. immediate family that she grew up with, that is like her number one priority. My. number one value is my purpose. It's my. work. It's what I do for others. It's my. service. It's my passion. That's That's. what I love above everything else. And.

when we met, we both talked about this. and we realized that if she had a family. event, she would choose that over. anything. And if I had a purpose-based. opportunity, I would choose that over. everything. And I don't want to change that and she. doesn't want to change that either. But we respect it. So when she says to. me, "And the reason I respect it, Alex, it kind of comes back to your. relationship. My wife's amazing because. of how her parents raised her. Like my. wife's incredible because of the. relationship she has with her parents. Why would I want to take that away from. her? Why would I say, 'No, you got to.

come and support me at my thing. No, you. got to give up your family to come be. with me at this thing because my thing's. so important because I'm doing XYZ.'". Like there's a certain respect that I. have because I know that her love for. her family is what makes her so lovable. And she knows that my drive and my. ambition and my persistence is what. makes me attractive to her. And so, why. would she want me to give that up? I. feel like, of course, there's going to. be some values that you hold very. similarly to the person because. naturally, if you are in sympatico with.

like how you want to live your life, there's going to be things that are. overlapping. But, I agree that there's. going to be an emphasis for each. individual on a different value and. where it lies on the scale of importance. to you. And I think it's really. interesting because if you are with the. right person, I think it's really good. to have different values, obviously that. don't completely contradict each other, that you're like you can't stand each. other. But, having different values, I.

think. allows you to grow as a human being and. in a dynamic of a relationship. pushes each of you to learn to. compromise and compassion and to learn. to respect the other person because you. respect your value, so you're going to. respect what they like. And so, I really. think it's it's a really great way you. just dissected that because I think. sometimes people worry, if we don't have. exact same values, how are we going to. make it? Well, do you like what they.

value? Do you agree with that? >> Exactly. >> Then you're you're good. It doesn't have. to be your number one. It's It's their. number three. It's your number one. Like, it's okay. >> trying to do is get someone to value. what you value. And that's not possible. They can. respect what you value, but they're not. going to shift their value to value what. you value. Yeah, I I love what you're. talking about cuz I want to get into the. part of the book where you talk about. the three-date rule. And I think this is. very applicable to transition in this. way because we're talking about finding.

that person and the values and feeling. like you can really connect with that. person on multiple levels that allows. you to be like, that's my person. That's. my partner. For Daddy Gang listening. that's like, I'm in the dating phase. Like Jay, I'm single. I'm try I'm trying. to get there. But back up a little bit. You have this three-date rule and your. theory is Call Her Daddy is brought to. you by Clorox Disinfecting Wipes. We all. know how good it feels to reset our. space, okay? Whether it's actually messy.

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You have this three-date rule, and your. theory is that by three dates in, you. should have had enough time to determine. if you and the other person will be a. good match. >> So, these are not the first three dates. They're three dates that I recommend you. sprinkle across 10 dates, 20 dates, 100. dates. I don't mind where you put them. in. I'm not expecting you to make the. first three dates an interview. Uh and I. don't want you to do that, and I.

actually think that uh dating that dates. that start like an interview end like a. firing, right? Like I really feel like. that. Like that's how it feels because. all you did was put your best foot. forward, and then all of a sudden you. feel fired or rejected because you're. like, "Oh, no, no, I was interviewing. for this role. Like I came dressed and. prepared, and you know, so I I don't. expect you to make these your first. three dates. I expect you to use them in. your dating journey. You're saying there. are three dates within the scope of you.

getting to know someone that you would. like them to sprinkle in these. questions. So, your first date questions. you think should be asked that are. geared around finding out someone's. tastes or preferences. What's something. you love to do? Do you have a favorite. place? Is there a book or movie you've. read or seen more than once? What is. occupying your thoughts most at the. moment? What's something you wish you. knew more about? What's the best meal. you've ever had? What I'm saying in this. is you're getting to know someone's. personality. The question you're asking.

is like do I find someone interesting? Do I find someone intriguing? Do I Do I. like them? Do I enjoy who I am around. them? But on a very personality. chemistry level. Sometimes you don't. even have to ask these questions. Sometimes you're actually going to just. observe those. You're not like having. these in your notes being like. >> Yeah, I know. >> [laughter]. >> Can I ask you a few questions? And. they're like "J Jay told me that Jay and. Alex told me to ask you these questions. Like But this is something you can be. looking for. And do I like the tone with. which they carry themselves, right? Like.

and the tone is so important even. compared to the words, like to really. listen out and go oh is this is this. person arrogant? Is this person like. coming across like my ideas are not. interesting? Like do they ask the. question back? And by the way, you know. I think that. a lot a lot of some of these questions. like men may struggle to answer because. they feel quite, you know, they feel quite personal and they and. they can feel quite like intimidating. sometimes because you can feel like oh. god like why am I And so these questions. are going to be fun. They may They may.

not be They're not an interrogation. They're not an intervention and they're. not an interview. It's being. inquisitive, right? And I like to make. that difference between you're never. asking a question from an interrogation. standpoint or intervention standpoint. because everyone No one No one likes. that. You're asking it from a point of. like genuine interest. And by the way, have your answers ready because if you. have your answers ready, you can say. well let me go first. Let me tell you. mine. And now it's a conversation and. now it's open and vulnerable, and it's. not this forced thing of like, well, I.

want to know what you have to say, and. I'm judging you. It's like, no, no, no, I've I've thought about this for myself, too. >> It's all coming from a place of, which I. think if someone's open, you just want. to get to know them better. And I think. that's very fair. So, second date. questions. At some point while you're. dating this person, you're going to feel. like you're ready to get underneath a. little bit more. If you won the lottery, what would you spend the money on? I. think that's so telling about someone. Yeah. Are they just going to, which is. totally fine if they're like, oh, I'm. retiring and I'm just like never doing. anything again. Totally fine, but like,

is that someone you'd want to be with? >> Exactly. They just told you. They just. told you. They're not going to be. driven. They're not They're not going to. be ambitious. They're not going to push. for it. And there's nothing wrong with. that, right? That's the point. Like, I. think sometimes we have a hierarchy of. like, oh, well, this kind of person is. better and this and it's not. People. should just be happy living their lives. the way they want. >> even the way you said it, I think. because you and I have kind of agreed. like, for me, I wouldn't be happy if I. didn't have a a purpose. I think a lot of my purpose comes from. my creativity. I think you're similar.

So, that question to me is like, I would. keep working if I won the lottery. Like, I I don't I But, there's also then I. know a friend of mine that was like, I'm getting five dogs, moving to. a ranch, and living my goddamn life, and. having 10 kids. And I'd be like, like, and do you, and I totally respect. that. But again, then maybe the person. sitting across from me would be better. for me or my friend based off of that. answer, you would find out. >> Correct. You got to ask these questions. >> Correct. And then the third date. This. is where you get really a lot deeper,

right? At some point you're going to. feel like they've opened up to me in. some capacity. Um, and what types of questions are you. thinking should be asked on this third. date where you're really trying to get. under it? >> Yeah, these are the ones where you're. trying to do something called like. self-disclose vulnerability, where. you're really trying to get to a point. where you're building a sense of trust, um, and you're you're building a sense. of openness where you're comfortable. having uncomfortable conversations. And. I think that that is an art and skill.

that you have to test in a relationship. If you think you're getting serious, if someone asks me, how do I know that a. relationship's getting serious? It's. when you can have. uncomfortable conversations in a. comfortable way. That to me is a sign. that your. relationship is actually serious. Not. that you moved in, uh, not that you get nice gifts, not. that you can spend lots of time together. or you go on vacations together. Can we have a conversation that usually. creates conflict. and not get mad at each other and not. make it about each other's weaknesses?

There's so many things that people are. like, this tangible thing will allow me. to be closer, moving in with someone. You can move in with someone and realize. you barely know that person. But can you. have a conversation and you don't even. live together? Can you really go deep. with someone like where they're trusting. you with information that they clearly. keep close to their chest? That they're. like, you know what, I trust you. Again, trust, stress is going down, trust is. going up. >> And I love what you just said about the. trust element. Like, the way we check whether we trust. someone is like, we say, we trust each. other, right? Like we we literally ask. that question that makes no sense. It's.

like it's like we trust each other, right? Like you you trust me, right? I. trust you. It's like, no, like trust is. me being able to tell you stuff that may. be uncomfortable for me. One of my. favorite questions that and and you can. read more from the book, but one of my. favorite questions that's not in the. book is the question that I often ask my. wife. And I ask it even till this day. And so, every couple of months, I'll say. to her, and it's not like it's in my. calendar, it's not like it's in a. spreadsheet, I don't record the answers. This is a gen you know, it's not a. technique, it's a genuine thing. I'll.

say to her, is this relationship going. in the direction you want it to go in? And if it's not, what are we willing to. do about it? And if it is, what are we doing right. that we should keep doing? It's it's. just such a healthy question, and it's. asked not because I think things are. going wrong. Like I'm not asking that. because I'm scared or I'm worried. I'm. asking it because it's the same as doing. this podcast, right? It's the same as. doing anything. There's a famous quote. that says you can't improve what you. don't measure, right? You can't grow.

something that you don't measure. Like. you whether it's a business, whether. it's a podcast, whether it's whether. it's life and I just think life is. something that is lived so. unintentionally and unconsciously that. 10 years go by someone comes knocks on. the doors and goes, "I don't think it's. working out anymore." And you're. surprised because that person kept it. inside them every 3 months how they were. feeling. >> I was going to say I think that's such a. testament to. how much you trust your partner to be. able to go to your wife and know that.

you're ready for any answer, but you. also kind of know there may be something. little she wants to adjust, but you know. you're not going to be fully blindsided. because you're constantly checking in. >> Correct, because of consistency. Exactly. And I also think it's like. there's a lot of people and I would. really encourage Daddy Gang. I know it's. so uncomfortable sometimes, but like. having those hard conversations allows. longevity in a relationship and it to. grow because if you're not having that.

conversation, like you said, you're. having so many in your head. I hate him. for this. I hate her for this. I hate. them for this. And then you're like, "What are we doing here?" So that's. really cool that you do that with your. wife and if anything I'm going to steal. that from you because it's just a really. mature way of basically saying, "I'm. giving you the opportunity. to say anything to me and I'm willing to. hear it because I care so much about our. relationship that my ego is on the floor. right now and like I I care more about. our partnership than whatever you're.

going to say individually that I could. potentially also work on." And I then. you also know she's willing to hear it. from you. If you're like, "Cuz I've been. thinking about this.". I mean. >> I know this is hard. Like I want to. empathize with everyone. Like, I'm not. saying this is easy. I'm not saying that. you should do this tomorrow. What I am. saying is I'm just trying to save people. from wasting 10 years of their life with. someone that doesn't love them and that. they don't feel loved by. Like, that's. where this is coming from. This isn't. coming from a place of I'm really smart. and I know what to do in a relationship. It's coming from a place of just I know.

how hurt people have been by. relationships and I know how much pain. it causes when you feel blindsided and. when you feel like you've just been. surprised and someone just like. delivered you a big notice that you had. no idea was coming your way. I just. don't want you to have to go through. that. Like, you know, I'm I just want to. save you from the big I not that I can. save you, but I want this advice to save. you from the bigger pain. >> To save someone from the bigger pain, I. agree with you. I think there's. sometimes people, especially maybe in. those early dating stages, where they. get a little excited, they get a little.

ahead of themselves. What's your advice. for managing expectations in a new. relationship? So, I have an interesting take on this. I don't believe So, when people say. like, "How do you make expectations? How. do you set expectations?" I believe the. word expectation is completely. insignificant and useless and I'll tell. you why. An expectation is a hope, a. wish, or a want that something might. happen just hopefully, randomly, potentially.

I don't want to live my life in. expectations. I want to live my life in. intentions and actions and attention. Like, I want to live my life in saying, "I'm going to be vulnerable in this. relationship and I'm going to see if the. person's vulnerable back. I'm not going. to expect the person to be vulnerable or. open because that doesn't give me. anything. And so, I kind of remove. expectations from pretty much every area. of my life and I go, "How do I change. that into intentions, action, and. attention?" So, if I want a open,

exciting, fun-filled relationship, I'm. going to bring that energy to the. relationship and then see where that. person matches. If they're on a lower. frequency or lower vibration, it will. show. You won't have to ask them because. you can tell immediately, right? Like if. you bring your best it's it's kind of. like with an interview with a guest you. know when a guest brings their best. energy and now you were probably. prepared anyway cuz you're a great. interview, but you can bring your best. energy too. Now you're creating.

something amazing. But if you're waiting. to see what energy the guest brings and. then basing your energy off it, it kind. of starts creating it could create. something that you don't want to create. And I think that happens in a. relationship on a much bigger scale. >> What is your advice for people that are. in a relationship where both of the. partners handle stress differently? That's such a great question. So, I mean, one of the things I've realized. about stress recently. is that. often times when we break a habit, for example,

you want to be strict about what you. eat, but chances are you break that. habit when you're stressed. You want to be a nice kind person, but. chances are you compromise with that. because you're stressed. I'm snappier. with my wife when I'm stressed. I'm I. say things I don't want to say to my. wife when I'm stressed. I won't say them. to them if I'm not stressed. So, you. start seeing how stress literally makes. you who you don't want to be. And so. sometimes we're trying to manage our.

diet or we're trying to manage how we. talk or we're trying to It's like. managing our stress is actually the core. of what allows us to be a nicer human, a. healthier human, a a better person. When you handle stress differently, I. think the core in a relationship is. knowing how the other person handles. stress. And I think for so long in. relationships, we don't know or we don't. like. So, another thing and it goes back. to respecting, we have to respect unless. it's abusive, manipulative, physically,

verbally, like there's none of. there's no part of me that says you have. to be patient with anything of that. sort. But, beneath that, if anything in your life, if you don't. understand and accept the way your. partner deals with stress is different. to yours, that creates issues. So, in. the book, I break down three fight. styles. And the reason why I came up with the. fight styles is because me and my wife. would always argue and fight and have. discussions and we would never we we. would never swear or raise our voices,

but we would get into really intense. discussions, debates around stuff that. didn't even matter sometimes and stuff. that did matter. And I would walk away. always thinking like she didn't care as. much as me. I would always feel like she. didn't love me as much as I loved her. because she had a different way of. dealing with stress. So, her way of. dealing with stress was she wanted to. lock herself in a room, she wanted to be. quiet, she didn't want to talk to me, she just wanted space and time, and she.

would figure it out. And my way of. dealing with stress is we're going to. talk about right now, we're going to. talk about everything, I've got all the. points laid out, the bullet points are. ready, and that shows I care. And her way of showing she cares is give. me some time. If I get to reflect and. digest and introspect, I care. But I. didn't think that, I think you don't. care and I care because we always think. what we do shows we care. >> Absolutely. >> And so, my fight style, which I broke it. down, is called venting. And her fight. style is called hiding. And the third.

fight style in the book is called. exploding. And so, a a venter is me, I want to talk. about it, I want to talk about it right. now. A hider is I don't want to talk. about it, I need space. And an exploder. is my emotions matter the most and I. just need to talk about how I feel. emotionally. And so, none of these are. good or bad, none of these are better or. worse, none of these are things to judge. each other for, but when you know that's. how your partner deals with stress, you. can now create a healthier boundary. So, me and my wife will say, "All right, you. need 2 days. I want to talk about it.

right now. We're going to talk about it. in 12 hours. Let's find the space where. you get enough space, but I don't have. to wait for 2 days because I want to. talk about it now." And now I'm. dealing with stress healthier rather. than saying, "Oh, I don't like the way. you deal with stress. You shouldn't be. stressed. You don't deserve to be. stressed." I love that. It's I think. everyone in a relationship can. immediately, if you're thinking right. now about your relationship, you can. kind of pinpoint how you deal with. stress. In the beginning of my. relationship with my boyfriend, it was. the same dynamic. I would be like, "I.

need a minute. I'm going to go." And my. boyfriend would be like, "We need to. talk about this." And he had the same. exact response where he was like, "I. feel like I care more about you in this. relationship. You don't care as much.". And I'm like, "Just cuz I don't want to. talk immediately, I'm thinking about it. up there, >> [laughter]. >> but like I don't want to talk about it. right now." And so, I think eventually. we got to a point where we respected. that boundary of I know your need and I. know my need, and let's find compromise. And it changed the dynamic because what. it also allowed us to do is feel safe in.

the relationship of like. Okay, we now have established We know we. both care. We are just handling it. differently. And when you know that, like even when I was up in the bedroom. just like. ruminating on something, I still knew. like I know he's there and he wants to. talk, and we're both We're going to. figure this out. But you have to first. acknowledge the difference in how you. handle before you can actually then. actually handle it. >> Yeah, and it's And that's why I say. respect because it's like judging. someone for putting their milk before.

their cereal, right? And it's like you. put your cereal before your milk. And. you would never be like Oh, I mean I. mean some people get really passionate. about this kind of stuff, but generally. I would think that you wouldn't, but. that is exactly how we deal with stress. It's that like it's that How do you do. it? Cereal first, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. I was just checking. that. But again, no judgment. No judgment, but. cereal first. Yeah. >> milk. >> [laughter]. >> Like. >> But that's what I mean. Like we get so. attached to like how we have learned to. process emotions, and we think if you.

don't process emotions like I do, you. don't care, you don't love me, we're not. in this together. And that's And that's. where we just create assumptions out of. nothing, and we start pushing the other. person away, and I'm like, "No, just. realize that that person deals with it. that way. You deal with it that way, and. we'll figure it out." I have one more. final question, okay? What is the most. common mistake people make in love? I. think the biggest mistake people make in. love. is that they think the epitome.

peak experience of love. is only through romantic love. And I think people devalue the love a. mother has for their kids, uh friends have for each other, people. have for their brothers and sisters, the. love kids have for their parents. Like, there are so many opportunities in life. to give and receive love. And the biggest mistake we make is we. think that this romantic relationship is.

the only place I get to give and receive. love, which means I know single moms who. love their kids with all their heart, and their kids love them back, but they. don't feel like that's enough because. society has said, "Well, if you don't. have someone in your life, then you are. not worthy of love." And so we kind of. have a hierarchy of love, where it's. like romantic love's at the top. And. when I look at the greatest acts of love. in the world, often they're not romantic. Often. they're family. Often they're. friendship. Often they're people for.

society, like sacrifice. So, I just I. just want people to remember that as. much as romantic love is important, don't make the mistake to devalue all. the other relationships in your life. Studies show that 70% of people believe. in soulmates, which is the definition. that there is one person out there for. me that is perfect for me, and until I. find them, everyone else is not that. person. And I think that's a mistake we make in. relationships because I think a healthy.

relationship is where two people say we. want to make this work, not a. relationship where you're searching for. this perfect person, fully formed, ready-made, waiting to come out of a. box. And I think that's kind of how. we've been trained, like the perfect. Barbie doll and the Ken doll that sits. inside a box that's shiny, sparkly, brand new. They They are the They're. wearing the perfect outfit that we want. them to wear. We can buy clothes to put. on them and make them who we are. And. it's like that person doesn't exist, but.

what does exist is this unique, interesting, flawed, fascinating. individual that wants to make it work. with you, and you want to make it work. with them, and that's what makes you. more special because you chose each. other. You weren't meant for each other. If you were just meant for each other, that means there was no choice. That. means it was just meant to be. But if. you chose each other, that's what makes. you special, and that's what makes them. special, and that's what makes what you. have special because every day you're. working against all odds to be together.

It It's such a good point. The Like we. said, the word growth and the effort. that you're putting in is also why. you're in love with that person. The. issues you've gone through, the things. that you have had to overcome. That's. why I'm in love with my partner. That's. why you're with your wife. It's like. looking at what we've gone through and. how we've gotten to this point. I don't. want something that's easy. I want. something that's worth the work and the. effort. Jay Shetty,

everyone go read your book. It is truly. like there are exercises. This is not a. book that you're just casually reading. Like I read this and it is really. incredible. Jay just Like you are able. to do exercises that are very. thought-provoking and really give you an. insight into yourself and what you want. for your future. So, Jay Shetty, it was. an absolute pleasure. Alex, thank you so. much. You're You're so phenomenal at. what you do. This is so fun. You're the. sweetest. Like, I'm so. Honestly, this is like I'm so grateful. to you on such a deep level for for.

doing this and to open me up to your. beautiful community. Daddy gang will. love you. Thank you so much. >> [music]. [music].