How To Stop People Pleasing

Hello, Daddy Gang. Welcome back to. another Sunday session with your father. I am so excited for this episode today. because I have finally finished reading. the book that I have been talking about, The Courage to Be Disliked. And I have. so many thoughts that I am ready to dig. into with you guys. So, first of all, how did I even find this book? Um, one. night at 2 am my brain was doing what a.

lot of brains do, which is, of course, during the day I'm just going about my. life. And then all of a sudden, I lay. down and I hit the pillow and I'm like, oh my god, what is my career goals and. what am I doing with my life and am I. being a good daughter and sister and. wife and all the like, oh my god. And so. then I was like, I need a book that's. going to put me to bed. So, I thought. that this book, because it's like a very. very like intellectually stimulating. book, would hopefully be like more. educational and let me go to bed. I. ended up reading seven chapters and I. could not put this book down. And then.

it got to 5:00 a.m. and Matt woke up and. he was like, "What are you still doing. up?" I'm like, "Baby, I've never gone to. bed." Because I became obsessed. When I went into this book thinking, "Oh, it'll be fun. I'll learn like the. courage to be disliked and social media. and this will help me." And it's so much. deeper than that. I thought, what if I. just start highlighting and I start. taking notes on the book and then I can. distill it down to you guys because, you. know, we're all busy and maybe you guys. don't have time to read this book, but.

I'm going to make you feel like you did. So, let's get into it. So, when I think. about being disliked, it's definitely a. concept I feel like a lot of us avoid. engaging with. I mean just on its. surface it's obviously painful to think. about the people who don't like you. right but at the same time I think our. society has become more and more vocal. about when we dislike something and we. sort of live in this echo chamber. of feedback right now whether it's.

online reviews or hate comments or even. just posting an Instagram story we've. all kind of become vulnerable to. external critiques and if you think. about it Like how many times have each. and every one of us posted an Instagram, overthought it, checked how many likes. it has or not enough likes or we've. deleted it and we've reposted it because. we're like, "Oh my god, maybe it will do. better at this time and like analyzing. who's liking it and like why didn't this. person like it? What does that mean? Do. they not like me anymore?" And like we.

get so in our heads about something that. seriously no one else is really thinking. about, right? Like even let's say if you. live in the most private life ever, the. fear of being negatively perceived by. others affects all of us on some level. or another. Yes, the extreme is social. media. But like for the most part, you. can be at the grocery store, you can be. at your job and it's still affecting you. even if you're a nonline person. And so. maybe you have found yourself ruminating.

for days, let's say, right, over a. friend who you made a joke to, and they. found it more hurtful rather than funny. And obviously your intention was like to. be funny, but now you're like sitting at. Christmas dinner and your grandma's. like, "Sweetie, pass the [ __ ] peas.". and you can't even hear her cuz all. you're thinking about is the comment. that you made to that friend and how it. was mispersceived and how they now think. you're a [ __ ] and all these things. And. so it can be a lot because it's like you.

can you you are perceived and then. you're perceiving how they're perceiving. you and that's just life, right? I also. want to be clear, criticism is not. always a bad thing. Like when everyone. on the internet yelled at me to stop. bleaching the [ __ ] out of my [ __ ]. hair and just go like a little darker, Alex, just turn and tell me like a. little that actually was really helpful. And so like thank you guys. Or like when. I had eyebrow blindness, like those are. things that I need to know. But in all. seriousness, what reading this book and.

thinking about being disliked has shown. me is that we really need to learn what. criticism is ours to take on versus what. is actually just someone else's [ __ ]. that they're projecting on to us. And. so, yes, some feedback is helpful and. it's important, but a lot of it, I have. found, is an external projection of. someone else's insecurities. Because the. truth is like no one actually gives a. [ __ ] that much about you to actually. give you constructive criticism half the. [ __ ] time. You know what I mean? No.

one's actually being like, "God, I want. Deborah to [ __ ] win today. I'm going. to give Deborah a gradea good advice. that's going to get her to that next. level." No. People are [ __ ] selfish. and they don't really give a [ __ ] and. they're not thinking about how you're. going to succeed in life cuz everyone's. worried about themselves. And so half. the time, if not all the time, a lot of. this is projection, right? So, I found. an article from The Atlantic because. obviously it's book club you guys. So, I. want to read a section from it and it is. called How to Take and Give Criticism. Well by Arthur C. Brooks. We all love to.

criticize. Unfortunately, we also hate. being criticized. Fortunately though, each of us can change how we give and. take criticism. Criticism is. intrinsically hard to accept because of. the ways our brains process it. When. someone says your work isn't good. enough, your natural first thought may. be they must not like me rather than. what can I do to improve it. When we. receive criticism, we take it personal. in two ways. First, we may naturally. analyze the critic rather than the.

criticism. Second, we tend to consider. the criticism a judgment of our inherent. abilities rather than our objective. performance. The solution is to set up. an internal affirmation such as I don't. care what this feedback says about the. person giving it and I choose not to see. it as a personal attack on me. I will. assess it on its face about the matter. at hand. Nothing more, nothing less. This won't save your feelings entirely, but it's a helpful approach. one that.

moves the focus from emotional to. analysis that enables you to judge the. information on its merits or lack. thereof as you would if it were about. someone else. Once you depersonalize. criticism in this way, you can start to. see it for what it is. Okay, when I read that I was like, I. need to read that again and again and. again. And I can also link the article. for you guys. The concept of. depersonalizing criticism, I think, is. really, really important. And I. genuinely believe, daddy gang, like if.

we are all able to implement this more. into our lives, it is going to change. our lives. So say you're getting. negative feedback from someone. How does. the way that you receive that feedback. change if you were to have those exact. same words said to you by your best. friend or your mom or your partner. instead? Like every single person, if. they said the same thing, you're going. to feel differently about it, right? because you have different relationships. to these people. You have different.

history with these people. You have. different projections of these people. And so the way that we take feedback. depends on our perception of the person. dispensing it. But that shouldn't. necessarily be the case always. And. again, I know this is all so much harder. said than done, but I feel like when we. become cognizant of these things, like. I've already started doing it since. reading this book where I'm like, "Oh my. god, wait, I was taking that too. personally. That person was literally. not that wasn't meant to be personal.". And so it's like just to start to train. our brains, right? Like we need to learn. to take the person out of the note and.

separate our interpersonal dynamic with. that person from the actual critique. that they are giving us. Let me give you. an example. Okay. Back when I was. working at my magazine job in my early. 20s, I had a boss pull me into her. office and give me a note along the. lines of, "You're not working fast. enough and you need to be more focused.". Little did she know I was like literally. writing YouTube ideas and she's like, "How many ads have you sold for the. magazine, Alex?" And I'm like, "On my.

way, girl. Never sold one." Um, so she. was right. Actually, she was completely. right. There was no projection there. 100%. I was working slow. If anything, I. wasn't working at all. Okay, babe. I was. doing [ __ ] jack [ __ ] Okay. I was on. my way out. Um, I was just like there. for the free heat and the [laughter]. free snacks and a little bit of the. paycheck. It wasn't much, but it would. do. But at that time in my life, you. guys, even though if I'm like if I. looked inward, I could have been like, "That's the honest truth." I wasn't able. to take that note on its face. I.

completely spiraled. I started stressing. about how my boss must hate me or think. I'm lazy. And I crashed out worrying. that I was about to get fired, which I. absolutely [laughter] should have. But I. probably honestly went out that night. and took like 20 [ __ ] tequila shots. to try to make myself better feel. better. And I was like so awkward the. next day when I saw her. and I was. avoiding eye contact and I was like in. my [ __ ] head and I let that one. comment completely destroy how I felt. about myself in that moment. The one. thing I didn't do was actually just like. hear the note and be like you lazy piece.

of [ __ ] Like yeah you she's right Alex. you aren't doing your job. You're taking. nudes in the bathroom. You're literally. taking nudes in the bathroom. You. haven't sold anything babe. Like lock. in. But instead I just started to. overanalyze everything. And so now I. will share that I am on the other side. and I'm running my own company. And so I. think about my boss at that point and. like she had no idea what was going on. in my life. She didn't even know I was. writing YouTube ideas. She was just. like, "Hey, you're not doing this. We. need this better. Bye." And then she. probably never thought about me again.

Now as a boss myself, I have a totally. different perspective. And I kind of. want to share this with you guys cuz now. having been an employee and now being a. boss, I want to acknowledge, I know it. can be really stressful to hear. something that you need to improve on at. work. That is your livelihood. That is. your career. And we're trying our best, right? But I want you guys to hear it. from me when I say trust me. It is. usually not a personal attack when your. boss gives you feedback. So, if you're. the girl crying in the bathroom for. hours after one constructive comment,

like me from your boss, I see you and I. just want to acknowledge you, but I'm. basically saying we got to talk because. what I've learned from my experience is. your boss wouldn't give you feedback if. they didn't think you were capable of. taking it. And so in my opinion as a. boss and and there may be people with. differing opinions, but in actuality. getting a note from your boss means that. they believe in you and they think. you're able to actually make changes. Like Matt and I have talked about this.

There are people that we are constantly. pushing at our company cuz we can feel. it's like, oh my god, they just need a. little bit more of this and they're. going to [ __ ] thrive and they could. take over that division or whatever it. be. And then there are some people if. I'm honest where you're kind of like. they're at that max capacity and there's. no point to try to give them that. feedback because I know they can't do. that thing. You know what I mean? And. it's like so feedback a lot of the times. is good you guys. Now obviously I want. to acknowledge if you have a boss that. is just like constantly moving the. goalpost and doesn't know what they want.

and they're constantly coming at you. being like well you didn't do this and. this. Yes, that's not helpful and then. that is probably on them. But most of. the time, your boss is actually just. making a comment just to help you. And. they they didn't know if you were having. a bad week. They don't know what's going. on in your life when they're giving you. this note and this constructive. criticism. And they aren't sitting there. actively trying to make your day worse. They're like, "Okay, Cassandra didn't. hurt her numbers this week. Just going. to go over and tell her." Meanwhile, you're like, "My boyfriend broke up with.

me and now my [ __ ] boss hates me.". And it's like, "No, he was just like. giving you the update." And so I think. in a normal work environment trying to. understand it's like they don't hate you. and they don't think you're the worst. person to ever exist. They're not. thinking about you other than you are an. employee and this is what I need you to. do period. So that's a perfect example. where it's really recognizing like. feedback isn't personal a lot of the. times. It's just a necessary part of. every job. Right now that's work. But.

let's say that your boyfriend gives you. the note that he uh like he didn't feel. like you were there for him when he. recently had a shitty day. Okay? And. taking something like that so personally. and spiraling about all of the ways that. you're not a perfect girlfriend, that. isn't productive to actually fixing the. one thing that he needed from you in. that moment. Right? So take yourself out. of it. How would you judge that. information if it were about someone.

else? Right? Like this is this is always. thinking it from a third POV. It's like. imagine your best friend having this. convo with her partner. What would you. to say to her as advice? Right? You'd be. like, "Wait, it doesn't even seem that. bad." So now flip it on the other side. How can you apply that mindset to. yourself? If you know you're always. going to give your friend that advice of. like, "Babe, he just wanted to do there. from he loves you. It's not that deep.". How do we apply that to ourselves? As I. was reading this article, I recognized. that deconstructive criticism is almost.

always based on someone else's. insecurities, right? So, these are comments that are. truly just intended to undermine you or. to hurt you. So, right now we're talking. about there's either deconstructive. criticism, which is like, "Yes, this is. a piece of [ __ ] [ __ ] that's trying to. [ __ ] with you." Or there's actually like. constructive criticism where it's like, "Guys, stop taking it personal. This is. just a note that you needed to be given. I feel like a good example of this is we. all have [laughter].

we all have that one beloved friend, right? The one who says just like a. little backhanded compliment like, "Oh. my god, you're so brave to post that. picture. Holy [ __ ] Wait, Candace, that's like crazy. I'm so proud of you.". And you're like, [laughter] "What?" Or. they're like, "Oh my god, I could never. spend that much time putting on makeup. every single day. like you're so. dedicated and you're like and you want. to be like okay well you're busted like. and so it's like yes we've had that.

friend that just says little things that. make you feel like [ __ ] about yourself. and you don't understand why are they. doing this and then as you grow up. you're like oh I know why they're doing. it cuz it has nothing to do with you. it's all about them right what's really. going on with deconstructive mean. criticism is it is just a representation. of someone else's personal. [ __ ] This person needs to be. purposefully hurtful to feel better. about themselves and their inability to.

restrain themselves from making these. just like [ __ ] dig comments about. other people. It's not your problem. I. also think something that I've been. getting better at is like if you met me. in high school and someone said. something rude to me or to my friend, I. would snap back immediately. Now, as. I've gotten older, when someone says. something like that of like, "Oh my god, you like the makeup." Blah, blah. Yeah, you wear so much makeup. When I was. younger, I would have been like, "Oh my. god, well, you're a dumb, ugly [ __ ] so. do you want to borrow some now?".

And I I think I've said this on another. episode. Most of the time, my answer is. always, and this is shout out to my. father. He always used to say this, say. this. Whenever someone says something. you can feel they're trying to put you. down, I'm always just like, "What's your. point? They're like, "Oh, well, it's just like. crazy. Like, I would never do that much. makeup." No, for sure. What's your. point? Is your point to make me feel ins, you. know what I mean? It's like, where are. they going to go with that? And I think. it's like that's where if you turn it on.

them when they and and again, if a if. you ask a boss that, oh, you're not. doing your job. What's your point? I. want you to hit your Q4 goals, Alex, and. I want you to do you see the difference? It's like when there actually can be a. what's your point and there's an actual. [ __ ] understandable answer after the. what's the point that is constructive. criticism. When it happens with. deconstructive criticism, deconstructive. criticism equals aka you're dealing with. a [ __ ] [ __ ] bro. And that ain't. your [ __ ] to [ __ ] carry. And I think.

a lot of times it's hard to discern like. should I take this personally or not. because we're all dealing with our own. [ __ ] right? And so it's hard not to. personalize everything because we're all. living our own worlds. So when someone. does say something about you with your. makeup, imagine if you were having a bad. skin day, you're going to take it. personally and think that she was. actually kind of making a jab about your. skin and all these things. It's really. not about that usually, right? And but. you personalize it because you're not. feeling XYZ. And so the more that you. can do selfwork, it does actually become.

so much easier to depersonalize these. things and be like, "Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know what your point of. that comment is, but like I'm gonna go. eat a sandwich. Like I don't like. literally don't care. And then it kind. of leaves them also holding the bag. There's nothing better. And I'm sure. Daddy Gang, you've had it where you're. someone is being rude at a lunch or. whatever. And when there's that one. person that kind of has the balls to be. like, "That's like a really weird thing. to say." Or or the best is like, "Wait, sorry. What did you say? Can you repeat. that?" And then they say it again,

you're like, "Wait, no, sorry. I'm. sorry. I Everyone is being so loud. What. did you say again?" And then when. someone says something rude and you ask. them to repeat it three times, they. start to get so insecure. And so it's. like, yes, it's nice in those moments. when it's you can call it out for what. it is, but it's rare because especially. as women, we're like, I don't want to be. called a [ __ ] so just like take the. rude rude comment and just like keep it. [ __ ] moving. We know on the surface. that these comments aren't actually. about us. Like especially when you have. hindsight, right? Hindsight's always. 2020. You get home, you're laying in.

bed, you're able to process it. But yet these criticisms can still feel. extremely personal to us. But that's. because they are bringing something up. for us that we still need to work on. within ourselves. I think when I started. on the internet, I. it's almost weird. It's like when I. first started on the internet, I didn't. really care what anyone was saying about. me because I was just like get clicks, get views, like build my career. And. then as as I started to become a little. bit more established with Call Her. Daddy, I.

definitely started to read the comments. and be like, "Maybe I should change that. about my, you know, makeup or my hair or. my outfits or my this or my that." And. then I went through a period of time. where I just kind of felt like this like. floating bubble where I would just do. whatever anyone was kind of saying about. me on the internet because I felt so. unsure of who I was because of how much. commentary there was about who I am. And. I was like, I don't think that's true, but maybe it is true. And it's like it. was such a mind [ __ ] And I had imposter.

syndrome and all these things. But now I. think I don't allow those comments to. get to me anymore just because I've one, I've dealt with it for too long. But. also, I've done the work on myself where. I'm like, "No, no, no. I know exactly. when I read a comment if I'm like, "Yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have. done that. I was a [ __ ] [ __ ] in. that moment." Or, "Oh, no, that's not. true." But it just takes knowing. yourself more. And it's still a journey. with me. I don't like I'm not 100%. there, but I can feel the difference, but it comes as you just continue to. work on yourself. Call Her Daddy is.

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ourselves. Whether you get passed over. for a promotion or you aren't added to. the group chat or even sometimes as. small as like not getting hit on when. you're out at the bar but your friend. does. Like we start to measure our own. value by other people's reaction of us. And if we can learn to be okay with our. lives regardless of the external. responses that we're getting, can you imagine how much [ __ ] better. our life would be? Oh, maybe we'd be. free. Especially as women, because we're.

always constantly saying like, "Oh, how. do I look and what do I wear? And what's. my weight looking like?" And it's like, "How do you feel? Who gives a [ __ ] what. anyone else thinks, right?" And I'm not. saying that you need to like right now, today, fully love yourself and be. totally okay with who you are, no matter. what. Like, that's not even like I get. it. It's not 100% possible, but this. isn't actually even fully about internal. confidence, right? It's about slowly. building your way to it by changing how. you choose to engage with the people.

around you. Like half the battle is. like, "Yeah, no, no, babe. We have so. much work to do within ourselves. Don't. even get it [ __ ] twisted." But the. first step could be like, "Let's just. block out the [ __ ] noise of all these. other [ __ ] freaks around us." Step. one. Got it? Okay. Cuz we all have way. too much [ __ ] to deal with within. ourselves, right? So like dealing with. other people's perceptions of us and. their judgments. I can't even [ __ ]. take it. I don't want to even hear it. And of course, it's nice to hear when. someone has nice things to say about. you. I think that's also where it gets. confusing, right? Like, oh my god. And.

if someone's giving you compliments and. all these things, it's like I think. something we also need to keep in mind. is if we live our lives, and this is. what I felt like so much of the book was. about that really struck me is like if. we live our lives in hopes of avoiding. criticism or push back or critiques and. we're so fueled by people's positive. perceptions of us, that's how you become. a chronic people pleaser. That's how you. lose yourself. That's how you don't have. an identity. If you're sitting here and.

you're like, "Alex, this is me." Like, I. am 100% a people pleaser. Like, please, what the actual f can I do about this? This is me to my core. I am here today. to tell you that I've got you. Okay? Reading this book has really opened my. eyes to the idea that trying to avoid. being disliked is really the same thing. as changing your identity for someone. else. If you are constantly like, "Okay, and then to please this person, and oh. my god, that person's going to think me. this of me, so I'm going to fix my. posture and I'm going to say the thing.

that I know is going to get them." It's. like, "Babe, where did you go? What do. you want to do? Do you actually want to. do that or were you just doing it to. please them?" Because then it will gain. you some social equity because then. they'll invite you to the party and then. you're at the party, you're not even. having fun because they don't even know. who the real you is because you haven't. been able to be honest with yourself. You're not even acting like yourself. anymore. And all of a sudden, you're. just like this [ __ ] floundering fish. that's like, I appease these people and. these people. And then you get home at. night and you're [ __ ] emotionally. drained. And then you start to become. resentful of everyone around you. But.

it's like, but whose doing was this? You. You have the ability to stop it. And so I want to finish the this little. rant on the courage to be disliked with. some of my favorite quotes that I. highlighted as I was reading the book. And I just want everyone to really lock. in. If you're not driving, just close. your eyes and listen to these statements. and try to really sink them in and take. them in. Okay? You are afraid of being negated by other.

people. You're afraid of being treated. disparagingly, being refused, and. sustaining deep mental wounds. But do. other people actually look at you so. much? Are they really watching you. around the clock and lying in wait for. the perfect moment to attack? It seems. rather unlikely. So this book the way so. basically the entire book is set up. where it is a philosopher having a. dialogue with a young adult and the.

young adult is skeptical of wait the. courage to be disliked like I want. people to like me. I I don't want people. to dislike me. And the philosopher is. essentially saying, no, no, no one wants. to be disliked. But to relinquish. the feeling of I have to be loved and I. have to be liked, then you can just sit. in your truth and enjoy your [ __ ]. life. And if people don't like you, it. rolls off your [ __ ] back and it's. okay. And so I love this quote because. it's kind of such a good point. It's. like, guys, we're in our heads about how.

much other people are [ __ ] thinking. about us. We're all in some capacity a. little narcissistic because again we're. living on our own bodies. We're living. in our own world. So actually ask. yourself the next time someone gives you. constructive criticism or even. deconstructive. Is it that deep or are you making it. seem that deep? Do you think this person. actually was sleeping all night dreaming. about this moment? They could be like, "Bob, the work hasn't been up to to top. tier lately." And you're like, [gasps]. "They literally hate me and they're.

like, "No, Bob, maybe the work has just. not been up to top tier." And then once. you get up to top tier, they're going to. be like, "Yo, Bob, great work." Like, it's that simple. It really is has. nothing to do with your personality. Next quote that I highlighted, wishing. so hard to be recognized will lead to a. life of following expectations held by. other people who want you to be a. certain kind of person. In other words, you throw away who you really are and. you live other people's lives. Again, I. know I kind of hit on this, but like as.

I read this book and I read chapter. after chapter, it started to dawn on me. And you know, this is a thing for me. because I have like more of a public. life. And it also can relate to anyone. that doesn't, but for me, just to share, like I think for so long whenever I saw. a narrative on social media about. myself, I had such a hard time like. separating myself from it. Because when. you see people misunderstanding you, you're like, "Wait, no, that's not true. like I want to fix that. And if they're. misunderstanding me, it's because.

whether they saw something and it stuck. with them and they don't want to. understand me or whatever it be. That's. okay. But I can't now lose sleep over. that. That's not my problem. What other. people think about me is not my problem. Nor is it should be yours. Right? Okay. Next one. It is true that there is no person who. wishes to be disliked. But look at it. this way. What should one do to not be. disliked by everyone and anyone? There.

is only one answer. It is to constantly. gauge other people's feelings while. swearing loyalty to all of them. That is. [ __ ] exhausting to everyone listening. to me right now. What this person is. basically saying is if you are. constantly trying to appease everyone. around you, you then have no identity. and you lose yourself and you are no one. to yourself. And so, would you rather. spend your entire life appeasing. everyone in front of you or live a life. of freedom? Because I genuinely believe.

to have the courage to be disliked, not. that you want to be disliked, but to. have the courage to have not everyone. love you, that is true freedom. That's when you find yourself in your. life being like, "Huh, oh my god, I have. the people that understand me and love. me and the people that don't. That's. okay, but I'm good no matter what." And. you see these people, right? You see. these people at work. You see these. people in your friendships. The people. that are so hellbent on, "No, listen to. me. This is who I am, and this is" and.

you're like, "Oh my god, chill. Chill.". No one really [ __ ] cares. No one. really [ __ ] cares about anyone truly. other than themselves. So to exhaust. yourself trying to prove all these. things to other people, babe, they're. paying attention for [ __ ] two seconds. and then they're going back to their own. [ __ ] life. So who's really winning in. that? you appeased these people, but they're. not actually paying attention to you. And so then you're home at night and. you're like, "Okay, so now Marty likes. me and um you know, Chris likes me and.

Cassandra likes me and [ __ ] Franny is. now like more liking to me and blah blah. blah." And I'm like, "And you were fake. as [ __ ] all day. You're exhausted. Let. it [ __ ] go." Um, another one. We're. almost done. When one does that, for the. time being, one will have succeeded in. not being disliked by anyone. How. incredible. Most people online would. probably think, right? What a concept. But at this point, there is a great. contradiction looming. If one is living. in such a way as to satisfy other.

people's expectations and one is. entrusting one's own life to others, that is a way of living in which one is. lying to oneself. Freedom is being. disliked by other people. It is proof. that you are living in accordance with. your own principles, not other people's. opinions and other people's principles. There is a cost incurred when one wants. to exercise this freedom. And the cost. for freedom in interpersonal. relationships is that one is disliked by.

other people. And you guys, I'm in this. era of my life. That's [ __ ] okay. I. am more than okay if someone dislikes me. because they don't know me or they are, you know, determined to misunderstanding. me or they don't like me because my hair. is this color or, you know, I have a. certain, you know, way I talk or my. mannerisms or my husband or whatever the. [ __ ] it is that they want to do. If. someone doesn't like me, that's their. own [ __ ] prerogative. And it's really.

[ __ ] freeing to be like, I don't. care. It doesn't mean you're being a. [ __ ] to all the women listening, cuz I. know our first reaction is like, "Wait, oh my god, everyone's going to think I'm. like a [ __ ] horrible person." No. No. Because the more women that start to act. like this, I genuinely believe it will. be a domino effect, ladies, where it's. like all of a sudden if more women are. bold and direct. No, I don't like that. Thank you so much. I don't I don't need. that. Thank you. No, I'm good. Thank.

you. Um, no, I don't personally like. that. I'm going to do without it. Like, if you can actually just say how you're. feeling. Again, not being rude, but. being direct instead of adding all these. [ __ ] flowery languages as a woman. that we feel like we need to do because, oh my god, what if I hurt someone? Guys, we're going to live a way [ __ ] better. life. And so, I think the courage to. being disliked. Ultimately, what it does. is it gives you the ability to stop. taking things so personally while also. exploring the parts of yourself that you. actually want to work on without it.

being under anyone else's vision or. wants or needs of you. And it kind of is. so [ __ ] freeing. If you bend too much. to other people's ideas of how you. should be, then how much of your. identity is just going to be molded to. what other people think? And that's why. I talk a lot about this with the. creators at the Unwell Network where I'm. like, "Guys, I. I've been doing this for a while, so I'm. now able to step away from it, but I can. see when young creators are like, but. they said this, this, this." It's like, who are you anymore? And that's why you.

see the difference in creators at the. very beginning of their career to then. when they hit that like, okay, now. people are paying attention. When they. start, no one's paying attention, so no. one has anything to [ __ ] say about. it, right? They can be themselves 100%. because they're just hoping anyone will. watch. And then when some people start. watching and actually giving criticism. to who they are as a human being, all of a sudden they start to plate to. the audience. They start to be like, "Okay, wait. I am going to dress the way. that they're telling me or I am going to. fix this. I And all of a sudden, you're. a [ __ ] puppet." And then everyone.

says you're not relatable and you're not. genuine anymore. But it's like, "Yes, because you were listening to all these. people in their commentary. Turn it the. [ __ ] off." I always say to creators, and. I've done this about myself sometimes, go back and watch some of the first. videos you ever uploaded to the. internet. Scary as [ __ ] hell. Scary. as [ __ ] hell. But go look. Same thing. to people who aren't online. Do you have. pictures from Facebook or Instagram how. you used to post all the time? Or do you. have friend groups that you felt like. you used to do things with, but now. maybe you're in a more judgmental friend. group? Get out of it. Get out of it and. just do what the [ __ ] you want. Life is.

really [ __ ] short. Like, I'm sure all. of us know someone that passed away this. year, whether old or young, whatever it. is. Life is so [ __ ] short. And I know. that's corny to say, but it's literally. our reality. We don't know how much time. we have here. And imagine if your whole. life you spend it [ __ ] trying to. appease other people and you never. actually learn who you are because all. of yourself is given to all other people. and it's built around what all other. people want of you. Engaging with the. world around you from a place of. authenticity is actually sure may lead.

to some people not liking you. That's. okay. Them disliking you has no real. effect on your life if you don't let it. If you don't need their validation. because you have your own validation, [ __ ] you're [ __ ] good. I hope this. can be almost like a 2026. goal of all of us, Daddy Gang, of like. we are not going to [ __ ] live to. appease other people and we are going to. live for ourselves this year. And at. least that's what I'm going to do. And I. hope that this could be at all inspiring. for anyone that needed this. And again,

I know I'm obviously in one profession. and I hope you guys feel that like I'm I. understand we're all in different life. phases and places and we all have. different careers and we're all maybe. some people are single listening to this. in relationships, whatever it be. I. understand that. But there is such a. commonality between we are all so. [ __ ] exhausted by trying to please. all the people around us and what if we. just [ __ ]. stop?

What if we just didn't do that this. year? Let me know if this was helpful. Um, and I'm going to start reading my. next book. I don't know what it's going. to be yet. Um, I started reading this. book from the 1950s that is all about. feminism. And I'm it's a it's a it's a. about a,700. pages. So, I I'll probably finish that. by 2027. And that may be a little too. heavy right now, but maybe we'll get. into that one day. Um, yeah. But for. now, I love you all. And I hope that was.

helpful. [sighs]. So, let's do a little pivot. We got to. do a little pivot because. now let's apply this to your actual. life, daddy gang. Let's go to [ __ ]. French bishes. Questions of the. [ __ ] week. Call her daddy is. brought to you by Hidden Valley Ranch. Boom. Okay. One thing about my family, we are very serious about our holiday. food. Okay. Everyone has their item that. they make every year. And this year, I. have been adding Hidden Valley Ranch.

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this season are taking everyone in my. family down because of the Hidden Valley. element. Okay, Matt knows that, you. know, yeah, maybe I'm not the best chef. That's fine. But through and through, I'm impressing when I am making things. with Hidden Valley Ranch and the mix. Okay, they've even got the stamp of. approval from my family whenever I've. made things and they're like, "What's in. this?" And I'm like, "Yeah, you know. what's in it." Okay. Find your favorite. Hidden Valley Ranch products at. walmart.com/hidden.

valley. All right, question one. Hey, Alex. I. listened to your episode on handling the. holidays and I need advice. My hopefully. future in-laws insisted that my. boyfriend and I spend Christmas with. them. I wanted to ask if I could bring. my mom since she's recently divorced and. has lost several family members around. this time of year. The holidays are. really hard for her. My boyfriend. offered to ask for me because his. parents can be complicated. They. politely declined, saying it wasn't. personal, but they just don't feel.

comfortable and would rather meet her. another time. I'm really hurt and now. don't know how to move forward with his. family. How should I handle this? Okay, this is in my opinion beyond. inappropriate. I 100% understand that. when it comes to holidays, there's so. many politics involved with like new. family and mother-in-laws and extended. family and all this is so confusing. But. the fact that it is your mother, that's. it. You're not asking for your aunts,

your uncles. Even even if it's like I don't even I. wouldn't even say if even if it was your. mom and your dad, that's still okay. It's like it's your one immediate family. member that is alone on the holidays. I my advice is I would then politely go. back and decline going to Christmas with. them. Leaving your mom alone on the. holidays right as she was going through. a divorce. Like I just again do what you. want but I kind of would politely. decline. And I think your mom really.

needs you right now obviously and going. through this divorce losing family. members during the holidays. this is one. of the hardest times of year. Um, I. think it's also just like a really. eye opening for you and you should now. kind of reflect and look at the rest of. your interactions with these type of. people because I don't know what type of. person would deny someone on a major. holiday like this. Listen, I understand. if it was your boyfriend's mom's. birthday party, let's start there. Your. boyfriend's mom's birthday party and.

your you asked if your mom could come. and she was like, I'm literally only. doing my immediate family. Like, I'm so. sorry. Still kind of weird cuz it's your. literal mom. But like, maybe because. it's like her terms, whatever. It's. [ __ ] Christmas. We're spreading cheer. up in this [ __ ] [ __ ] And you. can't allow this poor divorced woman to. just slide in. She's probably going to. be like meek and sad and lonely and. she's going to sit there and just eat a. lamb chop and she's going to be like. sitting there drinking gin. Like the. [ __ ] She just wants to like be around. people and like hear some [ __ ].

Christmas carols. And these people are. the Grinch being like, "No, this is a. very like intimate whatever." Okay, well, if it's that intimate, maybe you. shouldn't even be going, right? Because. you don't have a ring on your finger. yet, so peace the [ __ ] out, dude. Holiday [ __ ] with families. Like, I just. God bless and good night. Question. number two. Hi, Daddy. How do you deal. with a friend who is a total. pathological liar? [gasps] Um, all. right. One of my best friends from. college has been making up stories about. guys and quote boyfriends for the last.

two years. We're four years out of. school and she still comes up with these. wild detail stories about men no one has. ever met. I know she's she'd react I. know she'd react badly if I confronted. her. And honestly, she probably needs. therapy, but she constantly calls and. messages me with updates and I don't. have time to listen to stories that. aren't even real. What do I do? Okay, wait. There's a couple things. Number one, my like initial reaction is.

like I get you're just out of college. I'm like, wait, hold on to this friend. because there's something like so funny. that when you get to your 30s and a lot. of your friends are like getting married. and having kids, like I would love for a. friend like this right now. Make up the. stories all you want. Like, give me the. [ __ ] psychotic tea and I'll just. listen to your problem. The only thing I. will say is I don't do phone calls. Send. me a voice message. That's what you need. to say, babe. I need to hear the tea on. Gerard. Like, I can't even wait. Oh my. god. This like he's like a Russian. oligarch. Like dead. Tell me more. Oh my.

god. Wait. Like tell me more. Just voice. note it to me. I think you could start. telling her to voice note you cuz you. can either listen or not listen. But. then sometimes as you're like cooking. dinner that night, honestly, it could be. a funny story time to like listen to. your [ __ ] psychotic friend. She's. like, "So then we traveled through the. candy cane forest." And then you're. like, "No way. No way. Like you [ __ ]. crazy [ __ ] Like it's kind of like a. podcast episode that you get to listen. to and like just pretend. Um I get it. though if you're like babe like I don't.

have [ __ ] time for this and you're. going to tell me again like okay so then. I met up with the Backstreet Boys and. then I met the Backstreet Boys best. friends and then me and Justin. Timberlake were having sex and then I'm. like what is happening? Like that could. get a little tiresome because you're. like it's not story time. Um I think you. can just be supportive and you can just. start to like maybe not take the calls. as much to be honest. I think when it. comes to friends like this, it's one. thing if she's lying about you, she's. just kind of living in her own world. And also, what if the stories are true? Maybe you've never met the men, but like.

maybe she's got this secret life and. you're just privy to these dope stories. I don't know. As long as she's not. talking about you, I think like if she. ever continues and you've catch her in a. lie, is it really? I don't know. It just. seems like some of these are none of. these are nefarious. like they're kind. of like whatever. But I get it as you're. out of dinner and it's like the fifth. night in a row and she's like so. Kristoff took me to Italy last night. You're like, "Babe, we were literally in. the Lower East Side last night. How the. [ __ ] were you in Italy?" And she's like,

"All right, Kristoff took me to the. Upper East Side last night." And you're. like, "Okay, [laughter]. this ain't [ __ ] tracking, Deb. I get. it. Can be confusing." Um, but I don't. really think it's like that intense. If. it's not hurting you, let her [ __ ]. have her moment. Okay. Okay. Next. question. Hi, Daddy. I need help. One of. my closest friends has a boyfriend who. constantly flirts with me. I like men. At this point, I'm like, I hope no men. listen to this podcast because you all.

disgust me except for my lovely husband. Hi, Matt. Um, okay. At first, I brush it. off as his personality, but it's gotten. weird. He compliments my outfits in a. way that feels dot dot dot pointed. He. sends me memes on Instagram at like 1:00. am. Oh my god. And last weekend at a. group hang, he made a joke about how if. he met me first, things would be. different. I've never encouraged it, but. it's making me uncomfortable. And now I. feel awkward around her. Do I tell her?

Do I distance myself? Am I overreacting? I don't want to blow up the. relationship, but it's getting messy. Um, okay. So your natural first reaction as. a human being would be like you have to. tell your friend. But in my old age, [laughter]. in my old age, I've realized that. a lot of times when people have. relationships like this, they know. They. know. They dog on know. Sweetie, she.

knows Bert's in and around you. And cuz. you're not the only one he's in and. around, okay? And so Stephanie's like. looking the other way when Bert's. [ __ ] feeling up [snorts] Auntie's. [ __ ] leg at Thanksgiving this this. year because he's she's kind of just. like, "It's all right. That's my Bert.". And she kind of dissociates and she kind. of pretends that Bert's not finger. banging everyone under the table because. she's just going through her [ __ ]. [ __ ] Okay, so my first reaction is if. you asked me in college, I'd be like,

"You need to [ __ ] sit her down and. tell her." If you asked me now, I'd be. like, you're probably closer to losing a. friend if you bring this up. The only. way you could bring this up, in my. opinion, is if you do it in a way that's. like, hey, like I just wanted to like be. honest with you. Like Bert messages me. sometimes at 1 and I know you guys are. obviously always together, so I just. wanted to check like are those memes. from you or for him? Because obviously. it's from him. Like I don't like is I.

feel like that's like we're not on we're. not that close like I feel like he like. or unless you think like what I just. want to check with you Stephanie and. kind of give it to her to be like oh no. Birdie's just obsessed with memes. He's. a meme addict like Bert just loves to. get people riled up in the DMs. He sends. everyone those memes and then you're. like okay like what about the hand on. the thigh [laughter] and she's like no. Bert does that to everyone even my mom. So, like you kind of have to gauge, I. think, in a very, very light way to your.

friend that feels non-threatening and. you're not attacking her, be like, "Wait, oh my god, Bert's always DMing me. DMs." Like, are you the one sending. those or is that Bert? And if And if. she's like, "Wait, what are you talking. about?" You can be like, "Oh my god, wait, Stephanie, I like I figured you. knew because it's I but I Oh my god. Like, dude, I'm I I don't want like tell. me what to do and I'll do it. Like, what. do you want me to do?" If she looks at. you and looks at all like there's 1% of. like I don't trust you, there's a little.

bit of venom or like hey note note shut. the [ __ ] up. Then you [ __ ] drop it. Now that's on one hand with your. relationship. Pivot now to I think you. said uncomfortable about three times in. that statement. This is where friendship. gets really [ __ ] weird because I. think as we get older, people hold on to. relationships and they're in unhealthy. relationships and and then sometimes it. can affect you as your the friend, right? If you're feeling uncomfortable. because this guy is making inappropriate.

comments to you about your body and your. outfits and all of this, I think you do. have the right to say to him, "Hey, Bert, I don't want you to continue to. comment on what I'm wearing, what I look. like. I am uncomfortable and can you. please stop messaging me? I don't I You. are Stephanie's boyfriend. This is. crossing a boundary in my opinion and I. don't want to be a part of this. You're. putting me in a very uncomfortable. situation. That's fair for you to say. I just want. you to know that a lot of times when. boyfriends are doing that type of [ __ ].

he's going to be like, "Oh, fuck." And. he's going to run to Stephanie and he's. going to spin it and tell her something. different and you're going to now. somehow become the bad guy. I'm not. saying that's always the case. It's just. I' I've don't know. I mean, girls, you. can write in, but I've had way too many. [ __ ] situations where there's a. creepy boyfriend. Most of the time the girlfriend [ __ ]. knows, you guys. And so, a lot of times. that means you have to distance yourself. from this person because somehow if. you're somehow if you're the bad guy,

it's like, how did I become the bad guy. in this situation? It's not your [ __ ]. fault. Call Her Daddy is brought to you. by Pacifica. Pacifica has been 100%. vegan [music] and cruelty-free since day. one. No animals harmed, no exceptions. They help turn your everyday routines. into acts of well-being, packing their. skincare, makeup, and beauty products. with natural plantpowered ingredients. And yes, they smell incredible. Truly. aromatherapy level products. Everything.

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and squeezing in every second with your. favorite people. And that, ladies and. gentlemen, calls for bringing a White. Claw variety pack to every party this. holiday season. My personal favorite is. black cherry. But I've learned you got. to have something for everybody, right? My brother loves the raspberry. My. sister is obsessed with the natural. lime. So, whatever celebrations you've. got on the calendar this year, just grab. a White Claw variety pack and make it a. moment everyone is going to enjoy. My. absolute favorite part of the holiday.

season is always the night before. Thanksgiving when it's just me and my. siblings and our significant others all. hanging out before the rest of our. family arrives. And I always bring a. White Claw variety pack. Cheersing with. a White Claw. It just gets everyone in. the mood to laugh and have fun together. So, pick up a pack from your favorite. local spot and grab life by the claw. with your favorite flavor this holiday. season. Please drink responsibly. Hard. seltzer with flavors. Whiteclaw seltzer. works Chicago, Illinois.

Okay, next question. Hi, Daddy. I need. advice. I've been seeing my therapist. for about 3 years now, and I've grown. and learned so much from her, but. ultimately I feel like I'm hitting a. wall. There are some long stretches of. silence in our sessions and I find. myself running out of things to address. with her. Even when I have something. going on I want to talk through, I feel. like we don't just vibe the way that we. used to. Do I need to break up with my. therapist? Okay. Part of the therapy. process, in my opinion, is changing.

therapists at some point in your life. Listen, there may be people listening. that beautifully have had the same. therapist for 17 [ __ ] years and. you've never been stronger. Love that. for you. There are some people that get. to the three-year mark and they're like, "Okay, I feel like I did all the work. here and now I need to move on." To each. their own, but I think it's really. natural. And I think sometimes it just. feels really horrible to break up with a. therapist because you're like, "Wait, this person knows so much about me and I. kind of don't want to start over with a. new therapist, but I'm also feeling like. we're kind of stagnant." My advice to. you is in a beautiful way, this is how.

you know that it's probably time to move. on. You need to be pushed in a way that. she used to push you. and you guys have. kind of all the work has been done here. I have broken up with a therapist before. and my advice is you are so lovely and. you say hey I wanted to come to you and. thank you because so much of my life you. have helped and you have changed and I'm. finding myself in a beautiful way having. grown so much as a person since I met. you and I think now I've kind of I'm.

entering this next chapter of my life. where I think I'm ready to try like a. new therapy and a new experience and a. new person to kind of yet again push me. outside of my comfort zone and like go. on another journey. And I think that's. so beautiful. And if it is a. professional therapist, they will be. like, "I am so [ __ ] happy for you, Amy. Keep in touch. I'm always here if. you ever need me." Boom. Done. Moving. on. I love you all. And I hope that this. was somewhat inspirational and I hope. you guys took something from this. And I.

hope you guys are liking these Sunday. session style episodes that we can kind. of learn something as our brains [ __ ]. rot on the internet. then come to call. her daddy on Sunday sessions and learn a. thing or two. I will not see you guys. this Wednesday sadly because it's going. to be Christmas Eve and I will be off. for Christmas Eve. But I hope you guys. have the best Christmas if you celebrate. Christmas and the best New Year and I. will see you in 2026. Daddy gang, I love.

you so much. Goodbye. >> [music]. >> Everywhere. I Heat. Heat. N. [music].