Fearful/Disorganized Attachment 101

Hello everyone. Welcome back to another. Sunday session of Call Her Daddy. We are. officially back with our series on. attachment style. If you haven't been. keeping up, I basically posted on my. Instagram asking the daddy gang what. they want me to discuss about attachment. styles. And my DMs were so flooded, guys. Everything was ranging from like, "Sorry, what? Like, what even is an. attachment style? Is that different from. a love language? And then all the way to.

like, Alex, please explain in detail. what the hell it means to have anxious. verse avoidant attachment. So to date, we have done an entire episode on. anxious attachment. We then went to. avoidant attachment, which has finally led us here today. We. we gather here today. What is that. Nicole Kidman thing? That's us right. now. It is officially time to tackle. fearful slash disorganized attachment.

And I'm going to be honest, this is. probably the hardest attachment style to. tackle because it is really really. complicated. It's like it's like a. twofor one situation. Okay? And if you. have fearful attachment, most people think you're either needy, aka you could fall into the anxious. category, or you're really cold, aka. avoidant, and so you fall into that.

category. But actually, you're both. If you have. fearful attachment, you are high anxiety. and you are also high avoidance. So, you. kind of got like a dual package. situation going on when it comes to. attachment styles. You basically crave. intimacy desperately, but you are. terrified of it because you believe it. will eventually destroy you. So, Daddy.

gang, if you are feeling like you are. stuck in this like non-stop agonizing. loop in your relationships of come here, I love you. Oh my god, get the hell away. from me. you're ruining my life. You. probably just have fearful attachment. It's also called disorganized attachment. and it can be truly the most exhausting, chaotic. relationship dynamic. So, let's start. with how did you even get here, right?

How does one have fearful attachment? In order to understand this, we have to. go back to the childhood guys. So for. comparison, people with secure. attachment, their parents were a safe. haven to them, right? When they cried, they got comfort. But for fearful. attached people, your childhood home was. essentially a minefield to you. And in.

psychology, they say that this. attachment comes from fright without. solution. Aka, what that means is the. very people who were supposed to protect. you and to keep you safe, your parents. or your caregivers or whoever raised you. were also the source of your fear, your. chaos, and your instability. And so some people's houses may have. kind of fit into this like Jacqueline. Mr. Hyde parent situation. What that. looks like is one minute, let's say your.

mom or your dad was so warm and loving. and even smothering you with affection, right? And then the next minute they. were screaming cold or just completely. absent. And you kind of never knew which. version of your parent you were getting. when you walked through the front door. Some people also may relate more to the. overwhelmed or the scary parent. Maybe. there was addiction in the house or. really intense fighting. Maybe there was. physical abuse. And so essentially to.

survive, you had to become hyper aware. of your surroundings at all times. And. so you kind of learned to read these. like really micro expressions of your. parents' faces just to know if you were. safe. Another environment to grow up in. could have been the role reversal. So. this basically means you had to grow up. way too fast. you had to essentially. parent your parent. Now, some of these. situations may sound a little familiar.

to avoidance as well. If you guys. watched the avoidant attachment style. episode, some of these you could be. like, "Oh, I feel like that kind of was. avoidance, too." And I think the easiest. way to understand the difference between. avoidant and fearful childhoods is to. look at basically how the parents. reacted to the child's distress. Okay? So someone who has primarily avoidant. attachment as a child, they learned that.

their emotions are basically useless. Whereas fearful attachment is when. children learn that their emotions and. their caregivers are dangerous. So for. fearful children, the defining element of a fearfully. attached person's childhood is fear. without resolution. So when a child is. scared, their biological instinct is to. run to their caregiver for safety,

right? You go to your mom, you go to. your dad, you go to your grandmother, whoever raised you, right? But then what happens when the caregiver. is the source of fear? So imagine how complicated that is, right? The child's brain essentially is. shortcircuiting because they want to run. towards the parent for safety, but then they are like, "Oh, wait, no. I. think I need to run away from the parent. to survive.". And so that literally leaves you.

nowhere to run as a child because you're. a child. You don't have money. You don't. have any other circumstances. You can't. choose where you live. You can't choose. who your caregivers are. you're stuck. And so you learn from a very young age. that closeness. equals danger. And so someone with. fearful attachment, their caregiver. growing up might have been very erratic, may have been frightening, or maybe that. parent was also like highly traumatized.

themselves from their childhood. But. this can look like physical and. emotional abuse, right? Um it can it can. present as you know this parent may have. severe addiction. They may have. untreated mental illness. Um they may. have highly volatile like hot and cold. parenting. And so the implicit message. this child receives at such a young age. is I love you but I might hurt you. I. might scream at you and I may disappear.

at any moment. And also emphasis on like. the I love you part is also. questionable. which then obviously has this child in. constant survival mode in their home in. the place that you're supposed to feel. the safest. And so the child is forced. into a state of just hypervigilance at. all times. They cannot shut down their. emotions, which again an avoidant child, that's exactly what an avoidant child. and then an adult does, right? An. avoidant child, they just shut down.

their emotions. fearfully attached. They. can't shut down their emotions because. the environment is too unpredictable and. too dangerous to just ignore your. emotions. So, they must constantly scan. I'm looking at my parents' face. I'm. looking for signs of danger. I'm reading. the room. I'm listening. My parents are. in the kitchen. Is the fight going to. begin? Oh my god. I hear what's h like. you're just constantly in fight or. flight and on guard. And so, fast forward to when you are an. adult. The result of this is that.

someone with fearful attachment, they crave love desperately because they. never obviously got a stable version of. it, but they view intimacy as a trap. where they will inevitably get hurt or. controlled or abandoned, right? And so also to clarify, an avoidant. child, again like we talked about last. episode, was taught to deal with things.

alone. A fearful child was taught that. the people who love them are inherently. unsafe. Like the shutdown mechanisms can. maybe look similar from the outside, but. internally it's a complete different. situation going on. Call Her Daddy is. brought to you by Uber. Daddy gang. We. have all been there before. It is 2:00. a.m. We have been out with the girls, right? You're having the best time. Maybe you stayed one drink longer than.

you planned. Now, it is time to go home. You are standing outside. You're waiting. for your ride and all you want to do is. get in the car and just relax for a. second. Take the heels off, right? Thankfully, Uber just launched a feature. to help make that feel a little easier. Uber's women preferences lets women. riders request a woman driver. Yes. All you have to do is go on the. Uber app and type in an address, scroll.

down to the women's preferences option. and request the ride like you normally. would. It's super easy and I love that. it gives women more choices and more. control over their rides because look, sometimes you just want that extra peace. of mind that comes from having a woman. driver. It is just a fact. Whether. you're heading home after a night out or. just exploring a new neighborhood, catching an early airplane ride, it's. about doing what feels best for you. I.

travel so much for work, so I'm excited. to try this new feature whenever Matt. can't join me on the trip and I'm in a. new city by myself or going to the. airport. The little things that make. travel and getting around just feel. easier really do go such a long way. So, Daddy Gang, if you haven't used it yet, Uber's new women preferences feature is. available now in the Uber app. Learn. more on the Uber app. Call Her Daddy is. brought to you by Ashley. If you went. through my camera roll right now, you. would find about a thousand photos of.

Henry and Bruce and about a thousand. screenshots every time I'm scrolling and. see a gorgeous living room, a coffee. table, a lamp, immediate screenshot. The. fun part is collecting all of these. ideas. But the hard part is actually. making them work together in your own. space. We've all got a vision for an. aesthetic, right? And that's why I am so. excited about Ashley's new Ashley Lux. collection. Ashley Lux has beautiful. furniture that's designed for how people. actually live. We're talking sculpted. wood, soft velvet and leather, brushed.

metals, the kind of pieces that. instantly make a room feel more. elevated. I love how versatile. everything is, especially their White. Haven collection. You basically melt. into it, which is literally the goal, right? Personally, I've also had my eye. on the Ashley's Neo collection. The wood. tables are so stunning and exactly the. kind of timeless piece that works for. literally everything, but it's not just. furniture. Ashley Lux has gorgeous,

gorgeous rugs, lighting, artwork, throws, and accessories. So, you can. basically layer everything together and. make your space actually feel like you. If you are feeling ready to upgrade your. space daddy gang, it's time to head to. Ashley. Discover the new Ashley Lux. collection by visiting ashley in store. or online at ashley.com/luxe. And this is also the part that actually. breaks my heart for all of my fearfully. attached. Because when you have fearful. attachment, basically your inner.

dialogue, it can be so brutal. It can be. a really toxic place. It almost creates. two massive self-esteem wounds. Okay. So, the first one is you believe I am. inherently defective and unlovable. because your parents love was. conditional and chaotic and you. internalized the belief that something. is fundamentally wrong with you. There. has to be something wrong with me. You. think if my own parents couldn't love me.

consistently, why would a partner, right? And then the second kind of core wound. for your self-esteem is you believe. people will always betray and abandon me. because you don't trust anyone, right? Why would you? And if someone treats you. well, you don't immediately think, "Oh. my gosh, like I really deserve this. Like this is amazing. I'm turning things. around." You think, "What is their.

angle? Wait, wait a second. Like what's. what's the trick? What's the get? When. is the other shoe going to drop? This. can't be real. And this can lead to this. horrible cycle of self-sabotage. You think you're protecting yourself by. pushing people away before they can. reject you, but really you're just. proving your own bad thoughts, right? And so you break your own heart to save. someone else the trouble. And then you. sit there crying, thinking, "See, I knew.

I was unlovable. Of course, it didn't. work out. And so everything that I was reading in. my research and and talking to friends. who have experienced this, like it's. exhausting and it can be really really. lonely and it can make you honestly feel. like completely crazy, right? And so let's talk about what it's like. to date as a fearfully attached person, right? So we kind of just talked about.

the childhood and then you have these. self-esteem things going on. understandably because of what your. caregivers put you through. So when you have fearful attachment, the best analogy I have seen explain. this kind of um for your romantic life. is that it feels like you are driving. with one foot slammed on the gas and. then the other is slamming on the brake. and you're just constantly go. You're. like, "Wait, no, go stop. Go stop." And.

you're constantly caught in this like. painful tugofwar between a desperate. craving for intimacy. Let's go. Let's. go. And then this intense primal terror. of it and being like, "Wait, stop. We're. getting, oh my god, no. We we can't do. this. We can't do this.". Again, understandably very exhausting. And so. the internal conflict, let's talk about. how that kind of can play out and what. does that look like for someone with. fearful attachment. One example is the. come here kind of tactic and then the.

goa away cycle. It's like come here, go. away. And a lot of fearfuls experience. this. Basically, this is like the. hallmark pattern of fearful attachment. You usually start dating someone and. you're so excited, right? There's so. much excitement. But the moment the. relationship shifts from just like. casual flirting to real emotional. intimacy, a literal like switch flips in. your brain. And to like go back to the. driving the car analogy, it's basically.

like you start with the gas phase, right? You're like, "Here we go." You. feel lonely, so you're craving. connection and you're going to pursue. someone passionately. You're like, "Oh. my gosh, I think I found this person.". And then you enter the slamming the. brakes phase which is the moment the. person you're seeing opens up or. expresses any serious you know interest. in commitment. Your subconscious. registers that closeness as danger and. so you obviously you feel suffocated.

You you know the hyperfocus. is too much. So then you start to. hyperfocus on their flaws or you. experience, you know, almost like. immediate sudden loss of feelings. That's also that can happen. And so what. do you do? You press on the brake so. hard and you just pull away or you ghost. them. But then. you after that are also susceptible to. what they basically refer to as this. like panic phase, which is if someone.

matches your energy. If you do this to. someone you're seeing. and they walk away too, your fear of abandonment immediately is. triggered and you suddenly flip back to. like high anxiety. You're like, "Wait, wait, I was abandoning you. Wait, why. are you abandoning me now?" And then. you're chasing them and you're begging. for reassurance and you're wanting them. back. So if you were just like on a date. and you're like, I I need to this is. getting too serious. And I pull away and. they're like, okay.

You're like, "Wait, wait, no. You're not. going to fight for me. You're not going. to like it." There's so much getting. triggered in that moment. Another thing. that is really prevalent when dating as. a fearfully attached person is. because your childhood environment was. unpredictable, your nervous system. kind of like grew accustomed to this. baseline of stress and drama and trauma. And so fast forward to adulthood,

you essentially unconsciously equate. that really high stress emotional roller. coaster with passion, right? And you can. basically mistake chaos for chemistry. Another dynamic at play is that fearful. avoidance kind of possess like this very. incredible sensitive radar for shifts in. their partner's mood or behavior because. again remember I mentioned we were.

talking about childhood. It's like this. was a survival skill learned in. childhood. the like you may have gotten. so good that you knew the sound of the. creeks in the floorboard for which. person and you're like, "Oh my god, this. is about to happen." Or you knew the. sound in your mother's voice when it was. going to start or the drinking or your. father when it would become like. whatever it was like and most people if. they were in that room with you would be. like wait what literally what are you. talking about? and you're like, "Oh, no. You didn't see that on his face." Like.

the lip quiver or the eye twutly. aware of all of these little things. And. so then all of a sudden you get into. adulthood, right? And so in a. relationship you bring that into. adulthood. This can manifest as just you. have this extreme hypervigilance, but unfortunately a lot of it is now. potentially misreading cues. So, an. example is like, I don't know, let's say your partner.

sounds they're a little tired on the. phone. You call them, they're a little. tired. Maybe you guys are texting. They. use a different emoji than normal. Or. maybe they need an evening to themselves. cuz they're just like burnt out from. work. Whatever it is, your brain. instantly jumps to the worst case. scenario. Oh my god, they're falling out. of love with me. Or, oh my god, they're. about to dump me. it's over. And so. you're constantly looking for evidence. that the relationship is failing so you.

can protect yourself before it happens. And that is where the self-sabotage. really begins because your core belief. again is that everyone eventually leaves. or betrays you. So, you are often going. to destroy a good relationship from the. inside out to try to regain that sense. of control when meanwhile the the emoji. was just him being like, "Oh, this is. like a cute new emoji that I've never. noticed. Let me send this." And it's. like you're misreading it sometimes, right? It's like your subconscious logic.

is telling you if I break up with them. first or if I cheat or if I pick a. massive fight and I make them leave me, at least I'm the one controlling the. ending, they didn't get to reject the. real me. They didn't get to hurt me. This isn't as dangerous. If I'm in. control, if I force the hand, if I make. the big move, then everything's good, right? And that I think is the most. heartbreaking part of this attachment.

style. It's like. you're breaking your own heart because. it feels safer to a fearful avoidant. than trusting someone else with the. power to break it. Again, understandably, you don't want to. reexperience. what your caregivers put you through. Also, something that's interesting and. maybe is like a little bit of an. unexpected outcome that fearfully. attached experience often is. while yes, fearful avoidance, you know,

fearfully attached people will run away. from healthy, secure partners in those. moments and they. can be more known to stay in toxic. relationships for. a long time. And that is because. this extreme, intense, dangerous. environment you grew up in childhood has. affected your self-esteem. And again, you believe you are inherently.

defective. This is not your fault. This. is again a product of your childhood. And I think on top of that, something. that I was reading in my research is. like the constant highs and lows of a. toxic relationship. do obviously match your internal. blueprint of love, right? Again, not. your fault. This is exactly what you. were shown when you were younger. And so. it it makes it really really difficult. then to break that trauma bond.

essentially that you have with this. toxic person which I do want to talk a. little bit more about for a second. because first of all no one should have. to suffer an abusive or a toxic. relationship. That is a fact. But what. is so hard in this situation is that. when a fearfully attached person is in a. toxic relationship, they aren't just unhappy, but they are.

caught in this like addictive, agonizing. psychological loop that I know even if. you don't have fearful attachment that. happens to people. And then there's. another layer for these fearfully. attached people because their childhood. taught them that love is chaotic, painful, and inconsistent. So a toxic. relationship, it can actually feel like home to their. nervous system, right? like it literally can trigger a.

chemical and in this like emotional. storm inside of this person's body that. is really incredibly difficult to escape. because nature verse nurture. It's like. yes, we can all look back and be like, "Oh, I recognize I didn't like this in. my childhood." But I remember I said. this in a different episode. It's like. sometimes we crave the familiar over. what actually is good for us. Because. familiar is from day one. You came out. of the womb. You're in this world. You're experiencing it. This is what you. grew up around. This is the normal for.

you. So, anything that goes against the. grain, anything in life like that is. always going to be a little. uncomfortable. So, for fearfully. attached people, going against the grain. would be accepting love and experiencing. healthiness. And a toxic relationship, they're like, "Oh, I got this.". Because as we know in a toxic. relationship the partner is usually hot. and cold they shower you with affection. They're lovebombing you and then. suddenly they become cruel and.

withholding. Right? But this is again so similar to what you. experienced in childhood that you. actually kind of know immediately. how to survive. you know how to plate. with like you're like, "Oh, this. environment, this is this is home. This. I've got this." And so the result of. when a toxic partner gaslights or blames. or mistreats a fearfully attached. person, the fearful avoidance core. shame, it just instantly activates.

cuz your self-esteem is already low. So. you don't think, "Wow, this person is. treating me really terribly." You. actually think, okay, if I were just better, if I was. quieter, if I was more attractive or. more patient, they wouldn't treat me. this way. And so you kind of internalize their bad. behavior as proof. of your defectiveness. And you feel this deep, suffocating.

sense of. worthlessness. And. the amount of empathy I want to give to. anyone listening right now who can. relate to anything I am saying is. endless because. it's so much. This is. understandably so painful. It's so.

complicated. And. here's the catch and why I think empathy. is so important for anyone. If you have. friends or family members or yourself if. you are a fearfully attached person this. is the catch. If you are in a toxic. situation if you stay in this toxic. relationship you feel like you are. slowly losing your mind and you're. losing your dignity and your sense of. self. Right? But if you leave,

your primal fear of abandonment. immediately triggers. understandably this panic that is so. severe. And so because both options feel. like basically they're going to destroy. you. You feel completely trapped and you. feel paralyzed by. this. You're you feel this terrifying. helplessness, right? If either way I'm. losing. And it's such a mind [ __ ] that a. toxic relationship can feel safer to.

your subconscious than a healthy one. Right? In a healthy relationship, you're terrified that you will. eventually ruin it or that they will. discover that you are unlovable and. they're going to leave you. And that. though is so unknown. Again, the unknown. of that is so scary cuz you've never. experienced it. So that's almost more. terrifying than a toxic relationship. because in a toxic relationship in your. brain you're like but the worst has. already happened.

because the relationship is already. broken. You kind of don't have to worry. in your head about losing a perfect. thing. The chaos is miserable. Yes, but. it's predictable. And that predictability, it does give. you a false sense of control. And so. I hope even just me describing that. gives some clarity again to anyone. experiencing it or anyone that has. anyone in their life that is going.

through this cuz I can imagine as a. friend it's really really hard when. you're like I literally don't know how. to help this person. It's like you are. battling decades and decades and decades. of this person's literal internal. nervous system and their upbringing. working against you just be like, "But. just go with the healthy guy. Just be. happy." Like, babe, that is that's not. even almost an option in their head. because this this feels like they're.

finally in control for the first time in. their life. They understand what an. abusive situation looks like and finally. they could actually be in control of it. And so I also think it's really. important to clarify that like breaking. a trauma bond, breaking a trauma bond. when you have a fearful avoidant. attachment style is one of the hardest. things you will ever do in your life. because your brain is literally wired to. associate chaos with survival. So. leaving feels like you are willingly.

just like stepping off a cliff without a. parachute. And so to just get out, you can't just. rely on like, I feel ready. Your friends. can't help you make the jump and be. like, "All right, we're going to pack. all your stuff. Like, we've got this.". No. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by. Macy's. Daddy gang. We are officially. approaching fall, which means one day. it's 90° and the next day it's going to. be it's going to be a 65. Okay? And I.

have absolutely no idea what I'm. supposed to wear. This time of year is. always confusing to dress for, right? But thankfully Macy's obviously has you. covered either way. If you are in summer. mode, they've got everything from. swimwear to cover up sandals, bags, beauty products in those warm golden. hour colors that we obviously love and. are gorgeous. And when you're ready to. start leaning into fall, Macy's has all. the staples that you can get there. A. great pair of jeans is always where.

you're going to start. Okay? throw them. on with a tank during the day and then. add a little sweater at night, you're. good to go. Okay? And if you're like me. and somehow end up trying on 10 pairs. before finding the one, Macy's even has. a denim guide and a free personal. stylist to help you out, which is. incredible. They also have so many. gorgeous dresses and fun statement. accessories that would be perfect for a. fall wedding, which I know a lot of us. have coming up. So, whatever is on your. calendar this season, Macy's has. everything you need to pull the look.

together. Discover the latest trends, beauty favorites, and everything you. need to make the most of the season in. store or at macy's.com. Also, to clarify, I obviously am not in. any way clarified to then give advice on. the next steps. And therapy truly for. this is the most important gift that you. could ever give yourself. As I've said. in all of these attachment episodes, I. also understand if therapy is not an. option for some people listening.

I don't want to like leave you hanging. and you're like, "Okay, so I'm just in. this forever." So, I did some research. Obviously, do your. own research. Um, I talked with people. who have experienced this. I will offer. this obviously in this episode, but. please know this is not even this is not. a full solve. But from what I. understand, it is really important to find a way to. shift from feeling to observing. And.

what I mean by that is you have to stop. trying to analyze whether they really. love you or did they mean to hurt you. Intention does not change impact. And so. you have to start keeping basically a. private. digital maybe journal. I would suggest. digital. Don't do handwritten because. you can't lock that. This person could. find it. They could read it and use it. against you. Like literally get a locked. digital journal and just start writing.

down facts. Write down exactly what. happened that day. No excuses. Just. write down the actual fact. Today they. ignored me for 10 hours, called me crazy. when I asked why. They showed up at my. house and brought me dinner. And then we. started eating dinner. And then they. stopped talking to me. when your brain starts craving that high. again, right? You just read the list of. cold hard facts and and as you keep. building just facts, facts, facts, you.

it hopefully can start to help you just. bring you back to reality a little bit, right? Like, oh, this this is the fact. This is exactly what happened for 10. hours. This happened. Now, obviously, toxic relationships thrive in the dark, and because fearful avoidance carries so. much shame, a lot of times they hide the. truth from their friends and their. family. And so, my advice is I would. really, really try to pick one or two.

safe, non-judgmental people and just. tell them the truth. Tell them the. truth, the absolute truth. Right? I am. in a trauma bond. I I I want to leave, but my brain is telling me I cannot. And. I need you to just hold on to reality. for me when I start wavering. And also, I just need you to be supportive. I. don't know how I'm going to get out of. out of it. I don't know when I'm going. to get out of it. I just need you to be. supportive. And then, you know, you cannot heal a.

trauma bond. while still taking hits of the drug. And. so low contact or just being friends to. anyone watching, like I can say this for. a fact, that does not work. That does. not work at all. Even if you're not. fearfully attached, it does not work. If. you got out of a toxic relationship and. you're like, "But we could still we. could still, you know, be somewhat. friends. It's not going to work." And so. as a fearful avoidant, in order to.

actually break away from this, you have. to literally block them on every single. platform on your phone, on social media, email, Venmo, like all of it. You can't seek closure. A toxic partner. will use a closure conversation to just. pull you right back in. You have to let. your silence and your exit be your. closure. And I would also say just trying to. prepare when the day comes. Like when. you first cut contact with this person, your nervous system, you need to just.

prepare yourself. It is probably going. to go into absolute shock. Your brain is. going to just scream that you made a. mistake and that you will be alone. forever. And from what I've researched, this is called the extinction burst, which I guess makes sense. aka like the. intense spike in behavior that happens. right before an addiction finally. breaks. It's like the pipe is bursting, right?

So, you almost have to. expect the panic. Expect it. So, when it. hits, you're not going to run back to. them. You're going to be like, "Oh, everyone talks about this." The minute. that you stop using or you stop in the. relationship, you're like, "This is. going to be some of the most. excruciating discomfort I've ever felt. in my life." to the point where it to me. in the moment is feeling like I'm going. to die and you just have to sit in it. It really it seems like time is the.

thing that is going to also really help. Wrap yourself in a heavy blanket. Okay, go take a cold shower. Call any of those. reality anchors that you have as friends. that are like, "Tell me the story again. Re come over and read me my facts. Read. the facts of what he's done to me.". Those people will be so key in the. moment where you decide to leave because. eventually. the wave will pass. Even though it. doesn't feel like it will, I promise you.

it will pass. And. understandably, I think the hardest part. of leaving for a fearful avoidant isn't. actually losing the person that they. were in the relationship with. It's. losing the potential of who they could. have been. You now have to mourn the dream of the. relationship that you wanted and that. you were telling yourself this could one.

day be and you have to accept the. reality. of the relationship that you actually. had. And that obviously will take it could. take a lot of time. I think what's hard is everyone is so. judgmental until you are the one in it, right? We always hear that like, oh, you. don't get it until you're in it. But. like when you leave a trauma bond, you will feel an overwhelming sense of. emptiness. That is a fact. And it is so.

important to understand that that. emptiness is not a sign that you made a. mistake. It is simply the absence of. chaos. Actually, peace feels incredibly. empty to a nervous system that is so. used to war, right? You're like, why is. it quiet? Why is wait, where where is. the when is the what what's happening? And if you are a fearful avoidant, this.

has been since your childhood. So, you you're going to feel empty. You're going to you're going to feel. lonely almost decades of training. You. basically have to unlearn and that is. going to be really hard. Really, really. hard. So, I would say you have to give. yourself time to just get used to the. quiet and and give yourself grace. through this entire process. because it's going to be really. uncomfortable.

And. I know that's a lot and I know it's very. heavy and. changing a fearful avoidant attachment. style. It's not about just flipping. a switch, guys, or just forcing yourself. to suddenly be a different person. None. of these attachment styles are. And so. you're like, "Oh, wait. I want to I want. it to reload." It's like, "Oh, this is. this is about to be a whole hardware. shift right now, babe. like we got to.

give it time and and it could it could. maybe fail and you have to restart it. again, right? It's like not to use that. analogy, but like it is kind of accurate. where it's like this thing could it. could overheat while it's trying to. reboot that you're like, "Oh my god, it. just crashed." Like you have to. literally look at it like that. This. isn't just like a oh, I think I'm going. to change it. Like no. And so in psychology they call this. earning secured attachment. Basically, your brain learned to be fearful, to.

survive your past. So, I'm telling you, it can learn to be secure, to enjoy your. future. It can, but you got to be. patient. Again, you didn't build this attachment style. in a week. You're not going to heal it. in a week. There will be days you. accidentally slip into old habits. I. think the most important thing that like. people are just so hard on themselves. understandably um you may want to run.

away from trying to solve this or you're. going to panic like no it's not failure. that's literally recovery. I think. forgiving yourself when you mess up is. the ultimate act of love that you can. give yourself because you are about to. go on a journey that is it's almost. harder to do this than to stay in this. cycle. Right? I also want to acknowledge. that when you do start to unpack your. attachment style and you start to kind. of become aware of what has caused you.

to be the way you are, this I think this is important to say, guys, like it is completely normal to. feel a massive wave of anger or grief or. whatever it is you're feeling, right? Because even in in doing this little. series, it's like. I've realized that the more you become. lucid of your childhood and what. happened and how it has affected you now. as an adult,

it can feel like betrayal. You look back. at your broken relationships or your. anxiety, the self- sabotage you've put. yourself through, maybe your career. struggles, and you realize when you get. underneath it and you go back to your. childhood and you look at your. attachment style, you're like, "Oh, wait. I didn't I didn't choose this. I. was given a really [ __ ] up hand by the. people who were supposed to teach me how. to navigate the world, who were supposed.

to love me, who were supposed to take. care of me and keep me safe. Why. couldn't they do that? How could they do. this to me? And so grieving your childhood, that's. going to be a lot emotionally and very. heavy. But eventually, as we always talk about here on Call Her. Daddy, eventually, and this is why I'm so happy we did this. series, it's like you will need to find.

a way to move from why is this happening. to me to okay, what do I do now? What am I going to do? There's something. so powerful in the moment that you. decide to step out of victim mentality. And to clarify, I'm not saying you're. downplaying the pain of what has. happened to you and how messed up the. circumstances were. Absolutely not. I'm not saying you're even saying like, "Oh, that wasn't a big deal or like you.

should just get over it." No. But. instead, what you're doing is you're. making a huge statement. when you decide to be like, "Okay, so. what am I going to do about it?" You're. basically reclaiming your independence. You're looking at the people who hurt. you in your childhood and you're saying, "You had the power to ruin my past and. my childhood, but I refuse to let you. control and dictate and influence and. have power over my future. I'm going to.

take it from here. I got this one.". And so, there is something really. empowering about that. terrifying. I mean, I feel like the next I feel like. the next episode inevitably has to be. like how to not resent your parents. That feels like I'm like, "Okay, so we. did all the and guys, I was going to. write an entire episode on secure.

attachment and then I was researching it. and I was like, no one needs to hear this. It's actually. just going to piss all of us off. No one. needs to listen. The goal is to reach. secure attachment, but I don't need to. do an entire episode on here's the gist. Securely attached people had extremely. positive childhoods where their parents. essentially like if they were crying, they held them. If they were struggling, they were there. It doesn't mean the. parent was perfect, but it allowed the.

child to know that they lived in a safe. world and that they were loved and their. emotions mattered. And so that doesn't. mean every moment this parent was a. hero, but for the most part, this young. child was constantly being met with. energy that was filling them to. understand, okay, I like this place. I'm a happy person. I. trust people. I want to engage with. people of why wouldn't I trust you? They.

go in more with open arms. Now, that's. not to say that as you progress in life, things can't happen to you that impact. your attachment style. But do secure. attachment style people sometimes. experience jealousy in relationships? Absolutely. Do they sometimes all of. that is true, but at their core who they. are, they are operating on a complete. system that is above above baseline. they're ahead of the game. And I'm just. like, I don't think we need to be. sitting here. And listen, if you've got. a secure attachment, you're doing great.

Go look it up. If if none of this. related to you in this episode, the last. episode, or the last episode on the. Sunday sessions, and you're like, I just. I feel like I'm not any of these, babe. You're probably secure. So, actually, we. love you and everyone is jealous and. thrive, [ __ ] Okay. Call her Her Daddy. is brought to you by Polly Market. I. feel like this has been the summer of. sports. First, everyone was obviously. freaking out about the basketball finals. and then we obviously just had the cup.

and now people are already starting to. talk about tennis. But here's the thing, soccer. I am locked in and I know. exactly what's going on in soccer. I. played college sports, you know what I. mean? Tennis though, I Yep. I'm going to. admit I need a little bit of help. So, I. opened Poly Market to see who everyone. thinks is going to win and pretty. quickly figured out who I should start. paying attention to so I can also be. sitting on the couch next to Matt being. like, "Yeah, oh my god, what about that.

one?" And Matt's like, "How did you know. that?" I'm like, meanwhile, fully poly. market. Poly market is the world's. largest prediction market where you can. trade on what you think is actually. going to happen across entertainment, culture, sports, politics, literally. everything. So instead of your. predictions just living in the group. chat, there's finally a place where they. can actually mean something. Like right. now, you can trade on the highest. grossing movie of 2026 or whether the US. is actually going to confirm aliens. exist. What a concept. Yes, you can.

literally trade on aliens. Okay, there's. something for everyone. And there are. new markets dropping every single day. So, if you're the friend who always is. calling things early and you're sharing. hot takes with the girls over drinks, you're just that girl, this app was. basically made for you. Okay. Download. Poly Market, P O L Y M A R K E T, now. available in the US and free to sign up. Use code daddy 20 d-dy 20 and get $20.

free upon a $10 deposit. Trading not. available in jurisdictions. Restrictions. and eligibility requirements apply. Trading is risky. 100% loss can occur. But what I was going to say is I. naturally almost feel like the next. evolution of this conversation is the. like how to not resent your parents. because what we're talking about and I. think sometimes when we have. psychological conversations.

I get it. Sometimes people roll their. eyes because everything goes back to. childhood, right? And I think a lot of. times people don't want to hear that. And then to think that as an adult and. you're just like walking around the East. Village and you're like no no no like it. has nothing to do with how my parents. treated me or my upbringing or any of. that. You're like it's a lie. And so I. think what's hard is why a lot of people. don't want to go back to childhood is. because they know they're about to open. the biggest possible wound there is and. they feel like once they open those.

floodgates, it's never going to stop. And keeping the door shut sometimes. understandably to people feel safer. It. feels like I'm kind of containing my. bubble right now and I'm like we've. talked a lot about in these past. episodes like I'm in control finally. But are you in control? Because if this is where it all gets so. confusing if you don't address your. childhood wounds, the things that come. up in your relationship that keep being. an issue. You're like, I just don't get.

why do I keep running? Why do I keep. running? And we're all sitting there. like, I know why you keep running. So, what happened with your father when you. were 10, Jacob? And it's like, no. And. it's like, yes, literally. And and there. is so much power. And I'm not saying. it's easy. I have had some of the most. hard like therapy sessions are so hard. and so uncomfortable and you want to run. and and crawl out of your skin in. moments when you open childhood up, but. then you kind of then you do it. And I'm.

not saying it's a oneanddone and or it's. a year and then you're free. But once. you then actually like no no I can open. the door. I can actually look down the. barrel of my childhood and it's going to. be painful but I'm going to have control. over that as well. That's I think when. you start to operate and actually start. to reach peak probably entering secure. attachment cuz you have a handle on what. happened in your childhood and how it's. affecting your adult life. So you're not. just constantly like, I just wonder why. do I always do this in friendships or. why do I always do this here? Someone.

who is deeply immersed in growing and. working on themselves is going to be. like I know why. Because when I was. young, my mother used to do this to me. and I'm constantly doing this and I. always catch myself be to know the root. of the problem is to know how to. actually change it. To constantly live. up in the clouds, you're just you have. no stability. you have nothing to like. stand on and be like, "This is the why. and this is how I'm going to change it.". You're just constantly floating. And so, if anything, you're going to just waste.

a lot of time trying to be like, "Well, maybe it was him. It was the guy I was. dating. It just wasn't right. No, it. wasn't. You self-sabotaged and you. completely ruined that relationship. because of XYZ from your past." And then. I guess I also just have to give grace. of yet again I know it's not easy and. some people some people aren't ready to. get there and everyone has to open those. wounds at their own speed. So yeah. resenting our parents. that feels like the next step. Um.

listen. I hope this was helpful. I know it was a. lot. I suggest if you are someone where. this episode was really hitting home, maybe go on a walk. I know sometimes you. guys will watch the podcast at work or. maybe you're in an environment with. roommates or your partners there. Like. maybe go get some fresh air. Um call. someone who makes you happy and just. kind of give yourself a second as cheesy. as this sounds because this is not. something that is easy to talk about,

let alone experience and live with and. live through. So, you need to do. whatever you see fit to take care of. yourself and put yourself first so that. you do feel safe and supported when you. do open these wounds, right? I love you. guys so much. This has been a really. interesting series to explore. Feel like. I've learned so much more. I feel more. connected and empathetic to myself and. also to other people and just what we. all have to go through. I feel like you. obviously don't look at people you.

interact with on a daily basis and. wonder like, hm, I wonder what their. attachment style is. Like, I wonder what. their core wounds are from childhood. Um, and how they've continued to show up. for them in adulthood. Like, we're all. just living our lives and we forget that. we all are still those little kids. inside who have a lot of pain. And I. think it's important to remember that. So, if there is a series on topics that. you want me to cover next, guys, I'm all. ears cuz cuz we're just this is this is.

like we're just educating ourselves, okay? And I'm actually really enjoying. this like being out of college and not. obviously learning on a daily basis. I. feel like this has been really. invigorating and um stimulating for me. because I didn't know a lot of the. things that I have been studying. Every. night Matt is like, "Wait, so what are. you doing again?" And I'm like, "I'm. researching." He's like, "The guest.". And I'm like, "No, no, no. Sunday. sessions. We're in the thick of it, babe." And he's like, "Okay." And what.

are he's like watching me with my. glasses on, like deeply typing. Um, he's. seeing another side to me. I'm like, "If. you have anything you have questions. about, Matt, I can write you an entire. paper. Don't worry." He's like, "Okay, I. love you. Goodbye." Um, so I'm having. fun and I hope you guys enjoyed this, too. All right. You know the drill. I. will see you [ __ ] next Wednesday. Goodbye.