Dr. Becky: Parenting 101

What is up, daddy gang? It is your. founding father, Alex Cooper with Call. Her Daddy. >> Dr. Becky, welcome to Caller Daddy. So. excited to be here. Thank you. >> Okay. You are a clinical psychologist. and you are often referred to as the. millennial parent whisperer. You. essentially break down parenting in a. very smart, empathetic way. And so I.

think all of my Daddy Gang moms or. future moms to be are going to really. enjoy this episode. But I also think for. anyone who maybe that isn't their. journey, I do think they're going to get. a lot out of this episode as well. because we are going to talk about. boundaries and attachment theory and. confidence which is applicable to. everyone. So thank you for being here. Excited to jump into it all. You also. kind of had this moment where you turned. this parenting philosophy good inside. into essentially a huge brand and and.

this has become like kind of like you're. the cornerstone of like a lot of things. you talk about. Can you explain the idea. behind that name? >> Yeah. I I think it goes back to so many. more years ago than even my Instagram. started where I said, "Okay, so if I'm. gonna give myself permission to question. the pure punishment timeout version of. parenting, what am I left with if I. strip away all the assumptions from a. first principal's perspective?" And I. was kind of left with two things. One.

was I think kids are born good inside. Like I just don't believe babies are. born thinking I'm gonna wake up my. parents a lot and you know and make them. not sleep and give them a hard time. I. think kids are born good inside. And. then this other thing I was left with is. that kids are born with all the feelings. and none of the skills. And so that's. why good kids do a lot of bad things. because when any of us by the way at any. age have feelings that overpower skills. they come out as behavior. And so it all.

came down to that. And that first idea. that we're born good inside explains why. we need to teach skills that we don't. have to so much insert all these things. into a kid. They kind of have them and. we have to help them access them. I love. that because I think so much of it, you're right, is like it does put a lot. on the parents where it's like this is a. lot of this can actually be in your. control to help your child continue to. be good. Of course there's going to be. mess ups and of course there's going to. be hardships, but it's like lit most.

children are coming out and are good. human beings and then by nurture and. nature it's like what is going to happen. in their circumstances that are going to. mold them into the human being they're. going to be. And no pressure parents but. you are a majority of that. So buckle up. and good luck. Yeah. And it sounds. intimidating but I think I think. actually so much of the idea of good. inside came down to in my practice. Everyone wants to know what to do. What. do I do when my kid hits? What do I do. when my kid lies to my face? But way.

before we can think of an effective. strategy, it actually comes down to. what's my mindset? How am I looking at. my kid? And I think there's two mindsets. we have when our kid acts out. Do I have. a good kid having a hard time or do I. have a bad kid doing bad things? And. there's no strategy that matters as much. as thinking about that mindset. By the. way, it's the same as a marriage. My. husband's annoying me. Is he a good. person having a hard time or is he a bad. person doing things to me? And. everything flows from there.

>> Such a good point. Okay, we need to get. into. gentle parenting. >> Yeah, we do. >> Because I was so excited to ask you. about this because I know it is very. buzzy. It's very controversial. People. have a lot of thoughts. Even like in. prepping for this, I was like asking. around like, oh, like what's your. parenting style? Just to see if anyone. I'm interacting with does gentle. parenting. And so I want to get your. opinion. Where do you stand on this.

approach? And also for anyone that maybe. doesn't know what it is, if you can. explain it a little bit. >> So I don't even know if I'm the best. person to explain it. And I think. probably it's been portrayed like most. things in these extreme ways in the. media that nobody actually believes. It. just makes for funny memes, you know. So, I think the stereotypical gentle. parent. focuses a lot of their a lot on their. kids' feelings. A lot. Oh, you're so. mad. No wonder you're so mad. They. really care about their kids' feelings. And I don't think the intention is to.

stay there, but I think people believe. that gentle parenting is an attention on. your kids's feelings without a focus on. boundaries and rules and kind of the. other half. And so the term gentle. parenting, what I can say has never. appealed to me because when I think. about my best parenting moments, gentle is just so far down the list of. how I would describe myself. And I think. we talk a lot of good inside about being. a sturdy parent. And it's not a word we.

often use, but I think in your own life, you probably know someone who feels. sturdy and they're at once able to. listen to you and care for you, but they. in no ways lose themsel in the process. Like you can locate them as well. I. think that's what we need to go for. Such a good point because I feel like I. was having this conversation with my. friend the other day just obviously as. I'm preparing to become a parent and I a. lot of my life I was so fortunate to. look up to really incredible parents my.

mom and my dad I that's half the reason. I was worried about getting married cuz. I'm like how am I going to replicate. this cuz they did such a great job and I. feel like that's probably more like less. common than the other situation and so I. got really lucky but something I always. felt with my mom was like she was so. solid in her parenting techniques and I. really now when I look back. no I was such a good word to hear from.

her as much as it was probably annoying. when I was a child I no actually made me. feel safe at the time it pissed me off. but my mother like telling me no and and. giving me boundaries it actually allowed. me as a child to feel safe and make me. feel like, okay, there are parameters. that a sturdy person is putting around. me and I'm not the one in control. Because when a child feels in control, like they can do anything, I don't know. who I would have I would have become a. monster, Becky. Okay,

>> me too. >> I'm off the rails. >> I think you're right. I mean, safety. exists within a container. If you feel. like you can control the edges of the. world yourself, that's it's terrifying. You won't say it as a kid. You seem. happy in the moment because there's no. overt conflict, but those are the people. I can't even tell you how many 20somes. I've seen in my practice who feel really. angry later on at their parents. Like, oh, I was mad at you, so you didn't set. rules that were good for me. Like, that.

pisses me off now. Okay. Can we talk. about some like maladaptive behaviors. that you see that could come as a result. of gentle parenting? Yeah. And again, I. believe we have to let kids know their. feelings are real and kids feelings. cannot dictate parental decisions and. world realities. Right? I think we've. gone from you don't want to go to Aunt. Sally's um who cares, stop whining to.

you don't want to go to Aunt Sally's so. now one of us will stay home and you. don't have to go. And so if I think. about what that means, let's say then 10. years from now, 20 years from now, it's. a really dangerous thing for people to. think my feelings give me the right to. change the world around me. My feelings. are information, but my feelings are. more of a signal than some external. truth. It can lead to a lot of. narcissism. It can lead to really. unhealthy relationship patterns, >> right? Because it's almost like the kid.

is kind of then in control always. Yes. And once they learn that, then it's kind. of a freeforall because now it's all. predicated on what your child is feeling. and then you're going to adapt for them. and they never kind of almost have to go. through the hardships of learning. Like. that's not how this works. And then I. can imagine in school or with peers when. they don't get what they want, they're. going to have friction cuz other kids. are going to be like, "We all were told. we can't do that. Why are you still. trying to do it?". >> Yeah. Learning how to tolerate things.

not going your way. Learning how to. tolerate disappointment, learning how to. tolerate jealousy. These are the skills of life. And you. can't develop skills for experiences. you've never had. So if every time you. feel a feeling, your parent gives you an. exit ramp, you're going to expect the. world to give you exit ramps. >> Okay. So talking about being a sturdy. parent, >> I know that you have kind of used this. like pilot metaphor before and I think. that could maybe help people understand.

it even more. Can you explain how this. translates to parenting? >> Yes. So, imagine being a passenger. Okay. And I'm assuming you don't have a. pilot license, do you? I do not. I would. mess up my metaphor. Um, okay. And. there's intense turbulence, like not. normal, really intense turbulence. And I. think in that situation, let's say you, the other passengers are kind of. screaming, you're nervous, and I think. there's one of three announcements that. could come on from the pilot, and they. perfectly kind of mimic different. approaches to parenting. So one pilot. one says, "Hey everyone, stop screaming.

back there. You're freaking out over. nothing. You are so dramatic. Why can't. you have one flight where you're just. calm? It's no big deal, right?". >> Oh my god. Can you imagine? >> Well, exactly. That I would be more. activated. First of all, I'd be thrown. off that my screaming is enough to make. my pilot unnerved. I also if my pilot. says it's not even big turbulence if I. felt like it was I'd be like well it. maybe it is like are you missing. something like why do I feel like I know.

a little bit more than you in this. moment. >> or why are you trying to downplay this. in this moment right. >> exactly so that's pilot one not so good. pilot two is kind of the opposite. extreme which is hey guys it's a lot of. turbulence I'm going to open up the. cockpit doors if anyone back there wants. to come and fly the plane cuz this is a. really tricky situation and Maybe one of. you knows what to do. And this is when. we don't have any authority. There's no. boundaries. And we look to our. passengers to make decisions that really. should rely in a closed cockpit. We are.

not equal decision makers with our kid. Right? I mean, I'm not even scared of. the turbulence anymore. I'm just scared. that this person's my pilot, right? And. so, I think the first situation is kind. of pure reactivity. The second situation. is no boundaries. And here's pilot. three. Hey guys, I hear you screaming. back there. There's a lot of turbulence. And by the way, if you want to keep. screaming, scream away. I've been a. pilot a number of years. I know we're. going to get through the situation. I'm. going to stop this announcement right. now and go back to doing my job. And.

I'll see you when we land at LAX. >> I want that pilot. I'm like, yes. >> Exactly. And I think there's two. components. They validated my reality. If I think. the turbulence is enough to scream, that. is based in some reality in my body. I. don't know if it's really big turbons, but I'm already screaming. I want that. scene, but I don't want my feelings to. be contagious to my pilot. That's. terrifying. So, I literally need that. boundary kind of I understand you're.

upset and your upset doesn't infiltrate. my experience. I can hold my own. experience separate from that. >> Right. and and it doesn't impact my. ability as the parent aka the pilot to. do the job that you are fully relying on. me to do. And that is so putting it in. that terms I think is so digestible. because I agree. I would freak out if. there was a pilot who was kind of like. unknowing of what's going on. And I bet.

that's how children can sense like oh my. parent has no idea what's going on. And. that's again when they are going to act. out. You see it with the kids when the. parents are like I I don't know. And. they're anxious like what do we do? And. they're like you don't know. Oh, let's. wreak havoc because if you don't know, then I'm going to take charge and it's. going to be a disaster. >> I mean, it's so thoughtful and. insightful that you said that because. that's exactly right where parents will. then say, "But then my my kid takes. advantage of me." No, your kid gets. activated because when we say things.

like, "Hey, I'm going to change altitude. now." Okay. Okay. Is that okay? I'm. going to make an emergency landing, guys. Okay. NO. NO. OKAY. DON'T ASK ME. Why are you raising your voice? I'm. going to turn off the TV now. Okay, that. will make a kid, it's not take. advantage, but they sense that there's. no pilot. And I think a four-year-old is. similar to I'm going to go out with my. friends, okay? And dad's going to put. you to bed, and I need to go out with my.

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>> So, let's talk about parenting styles. though. When. >> two parents, you've got two people a lot. of times in these dynamics, right? We. have the absolute incredible women who. are doing it on their own, which I'm. like, you know what? You deserve every. award in the book. Let's say you do have. two people in the parenting dynamic, okay? And one of those people came from. a really strict household and the other. one came from a pretty relaxed.

household. And so you have two parents. that are trying to navigate. how to parent, but they have very. different approaches. >> Yeah. >> How does this impact the child? Well, I think I'll start with the. partnership because that matters, which. and you kind of alluded to it, but I. think it is important to understand that. parenting is a language, right? And. whatever language was in our home is. going to be the thing that comes. naturally whether we want it to or not.

Because some parents say, "My parents. were too strict." But still, when my kid. says to me, "You're the worst dad in the. world. You're the worst mom." My body is. going to look in and say, "What do I. know about situations like this in terms. of how to respond?" And you might find. the words coming out of your mouth that. you told yourself you'd never say. So. coming into having kids or at any point. reflecting what happened in my home and. what am I bringing to this whether I. want to or not? That's number one. Number two, I think you're talking. about, you know, what happens when you.

have two parents who aren't on the same. page. How does that impact the kid? I. think the thing that's hardest for the. kid is when those differences lead to a. lot of undermining and overt conflict. with the kid because kids then. internalize that and they that's one. more thing they're trying to hold in. their body and often is a reason for a. lot more acting out. They just like. absorbing all the conflict. >> Could you give an example of that? >> Yes. So let's just say you know it's me. and my husband and he hears me say after.

this episode I'm turning off the TV, right? Okay. and I go and I turn off the. TV and my kid starts whining and then my. husband says, "You know, just give him. five more minutes." That's really, really hard on the kid because now I'll. probably say, "Wo, I'm working on. holding this boundary and you know, different things and why am I the only. adult in this house?" And and then my. kid isn't just responding to ending. screen time. They're responding to ooh. again the s we live in systems. So the. system around me that I need to feel.

safe doesn't itself feel so safe ver. versus I say this and my husband thinks. Becky you're a little uptight. Let's. just say he thinks that probably some. truth to that. Um, and he finds me later. and he says, "Look, I feel like screen. time limits especially, it could have. been 10 more minutes, whatever his. argument is, right? Finding me outside. the moment, but in the moment, kind of. backing up my choice and tolerating the.

kids whining and not undermining me, we're we're never going to agree with. everything with our spouse, but how much. it comes into play kind of comes alive. right next to my kid, I think, you know, that's the biggest difference. I can. imagine how again also disorienting that. is for the child because it's already. hard for a kid to be like okay I have to. listen to my parents right and if you're. wavering like we've talked about it's. confusing to them so then to have two.

complete people that have authority over. you on different pages. >> I can't imagine how like split their. brain is trying to navigate cuz then. you're also not seeing this as a unit. and so I hear what you're saying which. is great advice is it's like even if in. the moment you disagree with what your. partner maybe is doing, it's a. conversation not in front of the child. because you want to present as a united. front. >> Yes. >> Yes. Be so that the children are. obviously respecting you but more so the.

child has that sturdy pilot in front of. them and they don't have to be like but. all the time that my dad does this or my. mom does this or my mom and my mom do. that. It's like too much for the kid to. process when they're just trying to be. like, I thought I I I was starting to. figure out the boundary and you guys. actually made the boundary more. confusing. >> Yeah. It's kind of like hearing your. co-pilots argue about what altitude you. should be flying at. Right. >> And like the button gets pressed and. you're not supposed to be hearing it. You're like, um, I feel like the plane's. going down. Can you two focus on doing. the job instead of fighting?

>> That's exactly right. And you know, it's. interesting cuz someone asked me this. question recently and I brought it to my. own husband cuz I have this these kids I. call deeply feeling kids who I think. kind of need a little bit of a different. approach. And anyway, and someone said, "How did you get your husband on board. with that approach?" Because he was. definitely raised not, you know, in the. same way. And I asked him, "How did I. get you on board?" And he goes, "I'm not. on board." I was like, "Oh, what?" You. know, >> you're like, "Excuse.". >> I was like, "That just blew my mind." He. goes, "I'm not on board." like so much. of my body, especially when our daughter. was younger, was saying like, I want to.

do things differently, but I just didn't. get in the way. And I kind of watched it. and I trusted you and I I just think. when I shared this with our community, they found it very liberating. Maybe I. don't need my partner to have 100%. agreement. But what if we just chose. different lanes where we said to each. other, "I'm not going to undermine what. you're doing and let's watch it play out. for a certain number of months, however. long, and then revisit it." It's kind of. like at work, you're not always going to. agree with what another team is doing.

But you're probably going to say, "Let's. give this six months. Let's see how this. plays out, and I'm not going to come to. every meeting arguing against this. project you're working on.". >> Well, it's such a good point, too. It's. like there's never, even when you're in. a relationship without children, there. is no winning an argument. It's finding. that middle ground where you both feel. heard and respected. And when it comes. to a child and parenting a child, I'm. assuming it's then applicable to be like. one of us is going to have more of like. an innate feeling of how we should. approach this. And if you feel so. strongly, I have to respect and trust.

you. Let's go with it. And I that's. great. And then we can adjust if it. doesn't work. But it's way better than. us both walking in be like, "No, I. disagree." No. And the kids literally. sitting there like, "Which one should I. listen to today?". >> They're a ping pong ball. I I think like. disagree and commit, you know. >> Um, does this in any capacity when we're. talking about, you know, >> parenting and being on the same page or. any of that? You talk about being. long-term greedy. >> Yeah. >> And I am so fascinated and need you to. explain this cuz I'm like, what does. that mean?

>> Yeah. where I think about how many years. our kids are young and in our home and. then how many years our kids are going. to be older and out of our home and. those are the same differences in years. where our kids are either locked into a. relationship with us when they live with. us and then after they're out of our. house they get to choose the type of. relationship they have with us and also. the stakes only get higher in life don't. get me wrong like dealing with the. sandbox drama is so stressful but if my. kid doesn't know how to play well with.

others when they're in a job or when. they're 45. I I think the stakes are. higher. And so I think we generally have. kind of two options in all of these. different hard moments with our kid. I'm. either intervening for comfort and. happiness today. But in doing that, I'm. probably not helping my kid develop the. skills they will need long term. or to. be honest, cuz it's not, you know, all. fun and games. I am enduring some amount. of short-term inconvenience and pain.

today because I know this ladders up to. something important. So, here here's an. a great example. We're kind of getting. close to back to school. My kid or I get. the school list and I find out, oh my. goodness, my daughter isn't with her. four best friends in class and school. hasn't started yet. And I'm thinking, do. I call the school? when my kids gets a. little anxious and she's going to be so. upset. If I'm short-term focused, meaning I'm trying to optimize for my. kids short-term comfort and happiness,

I'm going to call the school. Long-term, what gets wired in their body, right? Because a kid's early years with us. forms their default settings for what to. expect later on is, I don't know, I'm. sure there's going to be a day in. college where she sees her friends have. a dorm room without her. And I don't. know, do I want my kid to call me and be. like, will you call the dorm? Or do I. want my kid to know by that point, this. sucks, but I already have had life. experience to see I can survive it and.

cope with it? And so when I think about. long-term greediness, I think about, and. by the way, we don't do this 100% of the. time. There's some percentage me too. I'm like, here's the lollipop. Here's. this. We have to. We're human. But if I. have a general long-term greedy. perspective, I understand how my. interactions with my kid today are going. to have a pretty big impact on their. coping, their sense of capability, and. their resilience versus fragility later. on. I mean, that is so.

fascinating. And I also think it takes. such perspective. And I can imagine it. is like you said very difficult. sometimes for a parent to have the. wherewithal to be like I'm literally. sitting in a second grade class right. now and we're dealing with this. And so. if you can have that foresight to be. like this is temporarily uncomfortable. for them and they will be so much better. off for it and the temper tantrum or. when they tell me they hate me today. they're actually going to be like thank. god my parents made me walk in and have.

that conversation alone with my teacher. instead of doing it for me because now. when I'm going into this job interview. I'm like mom if you're watching this my. mom did that to me all the time. It was. always like no you have to go speak to. the coach you have to go. And I was. like, "Why can't you do it like every. other parent does it where they all go. talk to them for them?" And she's like, "One day you'll thank me, Alex." And I. was like, "I'm never going to thank you. I'm never going to talk to you after I. turn 18." Meanwhile, I was like, "Thanks, mom.". >> Because, and I think an answer to that, if I'm thinking about your mom, is. because I'm so invested in you. discovering your own capability. And I.

will not steal that from you just so you. smile and are happy with me right now. >> Can we talk about confidence? >> Yes. Can you explain just from. everything you've seen, >> how can parents instill confidence in. their kids and also that sounds so. simple, but like what is the actual. >> importance of that? >> So, I'm curious if you're willing like. what. >> just to get into it, does a situation. come to mind that you're like that was a. confidence building experience for me?

I don't know if this is weird, but like. oddly enough, I think most of it was. >> the resilience my parents. forced me to learn in moments like kind. of similar to what I'm saying what I was. just saying about having to do things on. my own. I think my parents were very. focused on making sure that I had a. sense of self and a sense of. independence. And even though things. were scary, and uncomfortable, I never. actually felt scared. Like my parents. were always there, but they were never.

doing things for me. And I think that. the more and more I learned like, oh my. god, I would run back to them after I. had the really uncomfortable. conversation with the soccer coach when. I was 12 and I'm like, oh my god, no. other kid my age was having to do it. And my mom made me have my one-on-one. and I was like so nervous. But when I. every time I came out of those moments. and I got in the car with her, I would. gush to her about like and then I said. this and I remembered how you told me to. say this. The confidence that was built. was like I trusted myself and the trust.

that I built within myself started to. then like I felt like I had the answers. sometimes before I had to go to my mom. or my dad and that built and built and. built and I think that just made me feel. so supported. >> Yes. >> But also I was my own person. >> I mean you're saying so many words that. are you you stole my words before. So, I. think first of all, there's a. difference, we'll get to this, between. support and solutions. Those are very. different things, right? You knew you.

could always go back to your parents, but they didn't solve the situation for. you. So, I think we've been fed this. idea that confidence means feeling good. about yourself. But I believe confidence. is selfrust, which is a very different. game. Because if you're optimizing for. feeling good about yourself or I'm. optimizing for my kid feeling good, I'm. optimizing toward comfort, fine, I'll do. that thing for you. Or even when my kid. says, um, let's take, you know, I'm the.

only one in my class who can't read. chapter books, Mom. If I think building. confidence is about feeling good, I'll. say, um, but you're the only one in your. class who can play chess. Think about. that because I'm trying to help my kid. feel good. If confidence is self-rust. and my kid says, "I'm the only one in my. class who can read chapter books yet.". First of all, I'm not going to say, "You're right. You're a horrible. reader." No. But first of all, probably. just say something simple like, "First. of all, I'm so glad you're telling me.

that. I I believe you. What happened. when they handed out the books today?". Because my kid is bringing to me this. experience. I'm upset in this way. And. if I over and over say to my kid. essentially that's not true, then my kid. learns and this has such long. implications and I think about college. girls like other people have a better. sense of my internal reality than I do. And I shouldn't be shocked. I mean this.

that when that let's say young woman is. at a bar and someone's like, "Hey, come. home with me." She's like, "I don't. know. It's a little early." Don't make. such a big deal out of it. you're making. and and then if her internal circuit is. I do have a habit of overreacting to. things. Other people outside my body. have a better sense of how I'm feeling. than I do. It becomes sad but. explainable because she's learned to. distrust herself. That is so wo because even when you're.

saying that too, I also think what comes. to mind is. it's again it's easy quick gratification. for the child to feel I'm immediately. going to make you feel safe. But I could. also maybe see then the child then. starts to be like I'm not going to. probably bring this up because I feel. like every time I bring up something to. my parents about how like I was not do I. was falling behind in class. I feel. insecure. D maybe there's more secrecy.

and you're hiding things cuz you are. kind of embarrassed where you're like. every time I try to tell them they kind. of either downplay it or they tell me. it's not real and so like why would I. share with them instead of holding the. space for them not solving it but. holding the space for them like oh my. gosh tell me about how that you made you. feel in that moment. >> exactly I mean I have this concept of. the feelings bench I love anything with. a visual so if you think about a kid of. any age or an adult going to their. partner and they're kind of wandering. around this garden that has a lot of.

benches. Okay. And maybe your kid is on. the bench of I'm the only one in my. class who can't read chapter books, but. really they're on the bench of I feel. less than other people, right? Or I'm. looking around and people have things I. don't have. They're going to be on that. bench for the rest of their lives. Okay. And you're right, we often have two. instincts as parents. I either try to. convince them to go to a sunnier bench. Like, wait, that's good. Or some ways I. say your bench isn't your bench. Like, that's not true. And if I think about. the parent who it's so.

hard and simple, just kind of sits on. the bench and they're like, "Oh, tell me. more about that. That happened." I'm. building my kids confidence cuz what I'm. saying is even the version of you I'm. going to cry who is the slowest reader. I like that. I like that girl. I'm. willing to sit with her. I'm not going. to run away from her. I don't need her. to just be the star chess player. And. you're right, like when kids are young, they're kind of learning what's the. range of experiences I can bring to my.

parent. Who can I be? What's attachable, right? And yeah, confidence actually. comes from not feeling like the best at. everything. It feeling like it's okay to. be you when you're not the best at. something. and you have a safe home. where that yucky feeling that you felt. at school of being embarrassed, you can. then go home and you can share it with. your parents and they're going to hold. it with you and be like, gosh, I I can. imagine how that made you feel and like. let's talk about it. I also can imagine.

similar to what you just referenced with. that bar example. This is very probably. important if you are raising young girls. in today's day and age or literally. whenever you've been raising young girls. because so many of us are kind of. socialized to doubt ourselves and to be. like you're being over dramatic and oh. you're just being sensitive and you're. being this and that. If your daughter. came to you about a situation that made. her feel uncomfortable,

how would you respond? And what is your. advice to mothers and parents and. everyone that's doing this? >> So. number one, we want to believe our kids'. internal experiences. I think the reason. that gets tricky is that isn't a perfect. one to one with exactly what I will or. will not encourage her to do after. So. for example, let's just say it's a. little bit more of a vanilla situation. Mom, you know, I don't want to go back. to soccer. I'm not starting anymore. It's so embarrassing when I'm at.

practice and then they say starters on. the field and like I'm not doing it. First of all, I want to believe her. And. again, the first line, it is such a. helpful line whether you have kids or. not. When someone tells you they're. upset, just to make the first thing you. say back, I'm so glad you're talking to. me about this. And stop talking. So glad. you're talking to me about this. Tell me. what happened at practice. Well, they. said the starters and I I started to. move on to the field. I'm like, oh no, not me anymore. and I felt like everyone. was looking at me and can't believe I. lost my starting spot. I don't know what. am I going to say that that sound that.

sucks. Sounds like that sucks. And then I think what matters at least. I'm going to say in my house what I. encourage parents is so I'm not going to. practice tomorrow. I feel like we've started to focus a. little too much on the I believe you. part and not enough which is also a part. of confidence on the I believe in you. part. And this is what it sounds like. really happened in your family, which is. so beautiful, which is the both. I. believe you that soccer practice kind of. sucks compared to what used to be. I.

also want to let you know that you are a. kid who can go even when you're not a. starter and you're going to get through. a practice that feels awful. And I'm. going to be there in the car waiting to. give you a big hug. Or if you don't want. a hug and you just want to yell at me. the whole way home, I'll take that, too. Either way. But it's going to happen. But it's it's going to happen. you're. still going to go. Because if I think. about the long-term greed focus, I want. my kid to be able to regulate when. they're older. And you can't manage a. feeling you believe you're not supposed.

to have. You can't. You have to try to. get it out of your body. And it comes. out of your body as bad behavior. So, I. want my kid to be able to say when they. get, you know, when they don't get the. promotion, "This sucks. I thought I was. going to get a promotion. This cycle, I. believe myself. This stinks. And I'm. going to work tomorrow." I am. I'm still. going to go. I'm going to talk to my. boss. What did I miss? Let's go over my. review. I want both for my kids. >> I I am like ingraining that in my head. of I'm so glad you're talking to me. about this cuz I'm like, "Mom, why did I.

always feel so confident to come to you. and dad about things that I'm like some. of my friends are like, I would have. never told my parents that." And that is. like because I felt such an open space. And I know I was really really fortunate. to have that. But that line right there, I'm tucking that right here. Dr. Becky. and I am going to keep that for when my. child is in these situations. Call Her. Daddy is brought to you by Ross. The. best thing about fall, there's no one. way to do it. It's about finding pieces.

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For maybe some of our. newer moms, for me, for you know, the. daddy gang that's just like getting. started, I want to now like dive a. little bit more into boundaries. >> Good. Because obviously you bringing up. that one of the biggest parts of. parenting is boundaries. I love how you. said earlier like I also don't know if a. lot of people even know what boundaries. are because that word is thrown around. so much and on social media especially. So can you define.

boundaries? Yes. What are we talking. about? >> Boundaries are something you tell your. kid you will do and they require your. kid to do nothing. And I love that. definition because every time I say. something, when I think I'm setting a. boundary, I can just assess like, do I. have two check marks? Did I tell my kid. something I will do? And does this thing. require my kid to do zero? Which is why. like if my kid's jumping um actually a. better example cuz this my third kid has.

0% people pleasing in him. >> Zero. I love that. Yes. Okay. And so my. first kid, I live in New York City, right? We're in an elevator building. So. if I said, "Hey, when we get into the. elevator, sweetie, don't press all the. buttons." My first kid would say, "You're right. That would be. disrespectful." Like he was just a. different kid. If I said that to my. third kid like that, he'd say, "Okay.". And by the way, it would now be so much. more fun to press every single one. >> The scene in Elf, >> right? Exactly.

>> He does it all. He does it all. >> All of them. So bright. And so this is a. situation where I think parents would. say you you have a kid who doesn't. respect your boundaries. And then we get. into really common patterns. I start. threat if you do it no dessert tonight, right? And then I give him sorbet for. dessert because fruit isn't dessert. And. I undermine my authority. Like these. awful things. I end up yelling. Okay. If. I say to him, don't press the elevator. buttons. Am I telling him what I'm going. to do? No. Does the success require him. to do nothing? No. It actually requires.

him to have a lot of self-control. That. is not a boundary. That's a request. All. the time as parents, we think we're. setting boundaries when we're actually. making requests. And requests are more frequent and it's. often we start with a request, but if. our kid is showing us they can't follow. it or if just it's more of a safety. issue or my kid is out of control, I. have to set a boundary. So with my kid, I could set this boundary in two ways. Sweetie, when we go into the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the. buttons and even if you lunge toward the. buttons, I will block you. That's what I.

would say to him. And and then. my third kid has ninja ninja moves like. he and I'm Alex like I'm ready if you. think I'm getting in the elevator. holding two bags. No, no, no, no, no. I. am like going to put my bag down and I. am ready and then I'm just going to go. like this. Or I could set a boundary because. sometimes those words will escalate a. non- peopleleaser. They're like, "Oh, game on. Game on." And I might just step. in between him and the buttons saying.

nothing. Get ready for the lunge and. saym, "My kid's jumping on the couch." And. let's say they're jumping, I don't know, right near a glass table. Like, I. wouldn't even care if my kid jumped on. the couch, but I don't want my kid to. get hurt. It is not a boundary to say, "Get off the couch." That's a request. I'm not telling my kid what I will do. And it requires my kid to do something. And then again, it's like, "Well, if you. don't get if you don't stop, I'm going. to count to five.". A boundary is saying, "Look, sweetie,". and you could say this kindly. It's kind.

and firm at the same time. It looks like. it's hard for you to stop jumping on the. couch. I'm going to walk over there, and. if by the time I get there, you're not. off the couch, I will pick you up and I. will put you on the floor. And this. matters. It's my number one job to keep. you safe. That goes back to the job of. boundaries. It's such a powerful thing. as a parent to hear yourself say that. and for your kid over and over because. it reminds you. It's like, "It's not to. keep you happy. My number one job is to. keep you safe. So, I'm going to put you. on the ground and you can jump on the. floor. And then if that's my house, my. kid won't look at me when I say that and. just say, "Okay, no. Depending on who my.

kid is and their temperament, they might. keep jumping. I'm going to go over there. and I'm going to say, "I'm picking you. up now." No. Hey, five. Let's count to. five. No, I'm picking you up now. And my. kid will melt down when they're young. Because that's what kids do. None of us. like to want to do something and have. someone stop us. It's just not a fun. experience. But this is where the jobs. make so much sense. If I'm like an A+. student, I can do both jobs at once. I. set the boundary, my kid gets upset, and.

I'm just going to say something simple. It's more fun to jump on the couch. But. that doesn't mean I'm letting my kid. back on the couch. Okay. The request, I. get it now, cuz you're like, the request. is like you're just asking them to not. do something or to do something or. whatever. The boundary is if this. happens, I'm doing this. >> Yes. It's a boundary is an assertion, Alex, of your power. This is why it's. especially important for women. This. matters just as much in the workplace. We give our power away all the time by.

making certain things dependent on other. people behaving in a certain way versus. defining what we need to do to feel good. enough. Boundaries are very hard to set. I think for us as even individuals. I think especially as women. Um again. over dramatic people pushing your. boundaries you being in work settings. and learning I had a boundary and then. this person crossed it and I still have. to endure this. This is uncomfortable.

It's a lot easier said than done. Yeah. >> And I'm curious if you ever obviously. you're a person who's good at setting. boundaries now, but were you ever prone. to people pleasing in your life and how. did you find this beautiful balance that. you're now in? Well, first of all, the. beautiful balance I talk about is not. the beautiful balance I live in my. house. Like Dr. Becky and Becky are, you. know, I always say it's true. My kids. don't have Dr. Becky as a mom and I.

wouldn't wish that on them. They have. Becky like sometimes my husband actually. says, you know, I was about to tag your. personal account in your latest real cuz. I feel like you could benefit from such. advice, you know, >> you're like the shade. >> Seriously, whoa. But it's true, you. know, and so there's no perfect balance, right? But I I love this question. because I was very much a good girl. And. I think that that is one of the things. that has shaped so much of how I think. about especially women in parenting. And.

I, you know, just, oh, she's such a good. girl. She's so easy. I never have to. think about that one. I never have to. worry about that one. And I think all. that means good girl is this is someone. who has learned to gaze out and notice. everyone's needs and take care of them. at the exclusion of gazing in and. wondering what their own needs are. And. then it gets even more extreme because. then your own needs become a threat to.

this job you've perfected, which is. taking care of everyone else's wants and. needs. Your own needs are very. inconvenient if you're trying to just. plate everyone around you. And one of. the reasons I think we have a trouble. setting boundaries is logically we say, I know my kid doesn't have to be happy. with me. But logic doesn't dictate our. kind of relationship decisions. Our old. circuits do. And if when you try to set. a boundary around dessert, your kids. having a tantrum, which is kind of their.

way of saying, "I'm upset with you.". Your body essentially activates, "What. do I know about someone I love being. upset with me? What is my job in that. situation? What have I gotten really. good at doing? What is my role?" And if. you were really good as a kid at keeping. the peace, first of all, that's nothing. to be ashamed of. It's probably. something very crafty you figured out. how to do. you're going to have a hard. time holding that boundary because your. body knows how to just make the other. person happy to the kind of detriment of.

what you might need. >> And I think it's so applicable for women. like you're talking about like we've. been conditioned this way that it's. awkward and it can be uncomfortable to. set a boundary. So then you just kind of. appease the people around you and you. just forego what you genuinely want in. the dynamic and you don't use your. voice. And so I can imagine then getting. into parenting, it may be hard for women. to actually use their own voice. It It's.

almost like for the first time in their. life to have authority in some capacity. because we've never almost had it. >> Yes. And I, you know, I listened to your. episode the other day about um kind of. effortlessness, you know, and why is it so cool. >> to like pretend like we don't care and. it just happens. >> That's right. And you know, I I have to. try very hard to do all the things I. talk about is set boundaries, to stay. connected to my kid without them. overpowering me because my initial. wiring definitely was being a good girl.

I think one of my first times. where that came into major conflict was. probably my anorexia before I went to. college. I mean, I think anorexia at the. end of the day is a struggle with. desire. What am I allowed to want. and want and desire if they feel so. scary? Well, anorexia is a way of saying. like I want nothing. Not even my basic. needs. I want for nothing. I can become.

very very tiny, right? And that was, you. know, I had a ton of therapy, all the. things around that. But I think through. that process. um I started what I would call kind of. like gazing in like can I develop a. relationship with my own wants and. needs? Can I be a little bit more like I. think about this idea of going from a. good girl to an inconvenient woman and. it's not like I try to inconvenience. people but if you know what you want and. at least some of the time you make. decisions around that people are going.

to be inconvenience. Not everyone's I. think we have this fantasy like I'm. going to tell my husband I want to sleep. in cuz I usually wake up and my. husband's going to say Becky. I'm so happy you ask me nothing would. make me happier than waking up at 5:45. with our two toddlers because you do it. most of the time and no most husbands. nice husband their initial reaction is. like and and if I can't tolerate that. sigh and know you know what me getting.

what I want does inconvenience my. husband. Okay. Like that's just part of. being in a relationship with each other. And I think my own journey has been. Yeah. like those little experiments, bracing myself, the panic around it, the. calling my friends, the getting support. And it's still a journey. It is. And. thank you for sharing that cuz I also. think so many women I've talked to that. have experienced anything when it comes. to, you know, struggling with eating and. body. And then when you we transition. into motherhood, it's like you're we.

have so little control over our lives. and what's happening and we have people. pleasing and then there's no boundaries. and then they keep getting pushed and so. we're constantly just a victim of our. circumstances then then we find one. thing that we can internally control. with our body but really we are hurting. ourselves. And so to then get to that. point in your life where you were like, I started to look inward of like, how am. I going to basically adjust the way that. my relationship is to myself?

>> Yeah. >> It's really powerful to get to that. point cuz then you are giving yourself. more autonomy. It's not easy, but I. think that kind of also leads me to. think about. >> the perfect parent. M. >> I feel like this is something a lot of. women I'm sure struggle with of and I. feel like it's such a huge pressure now. and I don't know if that you feel like. there's an uptick but I feel like. everyone's always talking about like the. perfect parent to be the perfect parent. Like why do you think there's such an. all-time high right now around that. conversation?

>> Well, if I I mean I think. I guess there's two perfect parents. There's what happens in your home and. then how it looks to everyone else. I I. don't know if there's an uptick in how. it's perceived by everyone else. There's. just an uptick in this world of showing. our lives to others and other people. deciding whether we're good enough, you. know? So, that's probably been this. externally oriented world we're kind of. a part of, right? Um I I guess, you. know, I tell parents all the time, first.

of all, there's no perfect parent, but. it wouldn't even be good for your kid. anyway. That's the irony. The model of a. relationship you form with your kid is. the foundation they take into adulthood. Like I I happen to think attraction. is just an activation of your earliest. attachment system. It's what feels like. home. And so do I want to set my kids up. to only feel naturally attracted to. people who always get it right, are. perfectly attuned to their feelings, say.

the right thing, are never distracted. That's not That's not real. >> It isn't real. And I also love how you. say like it's not realistic, but I do. think it kind of can bring us into the. attachment style conversation. And so. obviously um attachment theory, which is. based on the assumption of that our. experiences as children inform who we. are as adults and the type of partners. we attract, the type of relationships. that we seek, um our behaviors. But then.

all of a sudden we all become adults, right? So we're like, "Okay, I'm anxious. attached or I'm avoidant attached. I'm. fearful attached. I'm secure attached.". Great. Then you become a parent. And I. think that for everyone listening today, I'm wondering how does your attachment. style as an adult, how can that impact. your child? Because now we're just we're. keeping that generational cycle going. And and can you talk a little bit more.

about that? Yeah. I mean, your. attachment style, right, is how you've. learned to define closeness, what what. you expect from other people, what parts. of you are allowed in relationships, what parts of you you've learned to kind. of keep out of it. And usually without. various intervention, that transfers. generation to generation, not not. because that's anyone's fault. It's just. what feels natural. And our our body is. generally drawn to what feels familiar.

versus what's good for us. So if. someone's sitting here like Dr. Becky, >> yeah, >> I am a full anxious attached person and. I am about to welcome a child into this. world. How is that going to impact that. person's parenting style? >> So first of all, I'd say amazing that. you're thinking about this. you're ahead. of the game, you know, we can't I don't. think insight alone brings change, but. we certainly can't change we don't. understand. So, you've done a huge step. Amazing.

>> And then I dig in. I'm not one for. labels. If we stop there, I feel like. what would you mean? Okay. So, you're. anxiously attached. Does that mean um. it's hard for you to have a little. separation from your partner when. there's distance? Do you tend to. interpret that as rejection? You know, are you a little bit oriented toward. seeing someone's separation as. abandonment instead of just separation? And okay, the same talk. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. So, here's what I probably. know about that person. I wonder what's going to happen, you. know, when your kids even start walking.

It seems like such a great developmental. milestone, and it is, but it's really a. sign that your kid is already ready to. kind of separate from you, you know? Um, what's it going to be like for you? You. know, when your kid's really upset with. you. Does upset feel like abandonment. and threat? So, let's get ready for some. of those situations. They're throwing. the toys on the floor, begging for the. thing at the, you know, at the store. with you and and then we can talk about, okay, well, how do you want to respond?

It's so that old stuff is still going to. feel natural. I think that's what really. matters. And I think that's what really. resonated about that podcast you did. about the cool girl where the only thing. that comes naturally in parenting is how. you were parented. And so if you want to. do things differently, yeah, you need a. system. You need people to help you. You. need to play. You're going to have a lot. of uncomfortable moments. And yeah, I. know. I love that because I think a lot. of people understandably, we are so. we recognize we all have baggage. We all.

have things from our past that we are. innately going to just potentially. >> give our kids, project onto our kids, be. super hypervigilant to not do it to our. kids. And so, everyone is coming from. their own perspective of, oh my god, I. either want to replicate my childhood. for my child or I want to make sure I. change all these things and be having. those feelings. It's a lot and it's a. lot of pressure to put on yourself when. you have this past that you're.

recognizing can impact your child's. future. And I think it's hard to. sometimes overcome that pressure we put. on ourselves, I guess. >> Yeah. And look, like you said, we all. have our past and so we're all going to. have trigger moments. Our kids trigger. us. I think we all think they're going. to heal us. They trigger us. They bring. up all the stuff that wasn't really. healed from our past. And if you know. that going in, you can look at these. moments like, "Wow, I had a pretty. intense reaction to that. I don't even.

remember saying this to my kid. It just. kind of flew out of my mouth." I think. those are the situations often we want. to put away like I don't want to look at. that. But if you're willing to look at. that, those become amazing teachers to. you. It's so true cuz I feel like an. example is someone I know, their kid. didn't make the varsity team. Mom was really upset. Mom was really. upset because this was bringing up. something for her. She didn't make the. varsity team and she was hoping her. daughter could make the varsity team and.

so she's triggered about not feeling. good enough. Meanwhile, I don't even. know if the kid cared that much. Like, oh, all my friends are actually all on. the other team, which is it's perfect. I. didn't even want to make varsity, but. the mom was so upset. How can we. essentially avoid projecting our own. emotions and our own triggers onto our. kids? So I think there's two parts to. that question. Can we do anything to get. ahead of it? And then when it inevitably. happens, what do we do next? Because. again, we're not going to be perfect at. it, right? So the there is no superpower.

that is as important in parenting as. knowing yourself. Right? I know I had. socially hard moments in middle school, and high school. As my kids have gotten. older into middle school and high. school, oh my goodness, have those come. alive, right? I'm like, do I really want. to talk to my kid about the situation? I. know from the other moms, my kid wasn't. invited. Just to be able to ask. yourself, is this a me feeling or is. this a my kid feeling, right? And to try. to pause. Maybe I don't need to go and.

say, "Oh, you weren't invited to that. party. How do you feel?" That might be a. me thing. That might be a me thing. It. probably is a me thing, right? And so. that's one question. Is this what is. coming up for me is a superpower. question as a parent. What is coming up. for me about this? You know, and then. the second part is there's nothing that. matters as much as repair with your kid. And repairing is taking accountability. for something, saying you want to try. something again, right? And so to be.

able to say, "Hey, I had a big reaction. when you told me this thing. To be. honest, a lot of that had to do with me. I'm sorry. What I wanted to say was. this." That's so powerful because you're. going to make mistakes. that allows you. to repair and it models for your kid how. to take accountability in their other. relationships. That's also I remember in doing all the. research for attachment theories so much. of it is anyone who has secure. attachment really it was mostly built in.

the repair phase which you're discussing. which is like knowing that it's. symbolizing you are in a safe secure. environment because your parent although. they may have lashed out and they may. have raised their voice or they may have. messed up coming back around and. recognizing it with the child and taking. ownership and accountability and sharing. with them like hey I'm really sorry that. I did that. It shows them like, oh, the. world is not scary and I'm not in an. unstable situation and my parents even. can mess up, but this is how they.

operate and this is how they handle it. when they do make mistakes. Wow, that's. a really good leader. Yeah. And and I. think, you know, I was lucky enough to. be asked by TED to give a talk and and. they were like, I know you talk about. all these things. What do you want to. talk about? and repair was the topic. because I think the other thing to. understand about it especially with kids. and I hope anyone listening who doesn't. even have kids it gives us a lot of. insight into our self-t talk is what. happens for a kid when they're screamed. at by their parent and they don't have a.

repair right and again that happens. everywhere I scream at my kids too okay. so I scream at my kid oh you're so. ungrateful you're so spoiled whatever. we're now probably separate maybe my son. is in his room and if I don't repair a. kid is in their room feeling very. confused because the person they need. for safety is now the person who felt. scary and that's just a disorganized. thing. Like disorganized attachment is. actually those two things being kind of. fused together that the person who. scares me is the person I go to for.

comfort. That's a lot. And so what does. my kid need to do to get back to. baseline if I don't repair? They. generally do two things. They self-lame. This is all my fault. I'm a bad kid. Because there's this quote I always love. from grad school which is Fairburn who. said I don't know if you've heard it for. attach your attachment stuff which is. for a kid it's better to be an it's. better to be a sinner in a world ruled. by God than to live in a world ruled by. the devil which means taking the badness.

in is safer than believing the world is. bad. >> Oh especially when it comes to your. parents es that is your world. So if. it's my parents are bad or I'm bad, you. better bet. And that actually gives them. a sense of control. And if I think about. all the women especially who no matter. what happens in their life when it's. bad, you know what they still do? It's. so old. It's it's actually a lot of. unrepaired moments or we do the other. thing which is self-doubt. A kid in. their room has say, you know what, maybe.

that didn't happen. Maybe that didn't. actually happen. Maybe, you know, and I. think about how many women in my. practice would be in these dating. situations and something not going well. I'm going to call five friends and see. if they thought it was a big deal. Do. they think it's a big deal? It's kind of. saying, I don't trust my own assessment. And that starts so early. So, yes, you. don't have to be perfect. Don't be. perfect, but. repair whenever you can. Such good. advice. I also was thinking back to the.

perfect parent and all these things that. we're talking about, recognizing that. there are so many women who may be on. the journey that they're really fighting. to become a parent. >> Yes. and they are really like, "Oh my. god, Dr. Becky, I have been on the. hardest emotional journey to just simply. even get to where you guys are talking. about." And I pray to God that I one day. can have a baby through your practice. Do you mind just sharing a little bit. about what you have learned about. women's struggles with fertility in. general? >> Yes. And I mean, I I did IVF for all my.

children, too. So, first of all, I just. say from life experience, like, yeah, I've been there and it it stinks. It's. It's so hard. I think it's one of the. first times we feel like a failure as a. mom before we're a mom. I can't even do. this thing that my body is supposed to. be able to do. Like I'm already failing. And and I think, you know, one of the. things I thought a lot about, maybe you. and I could talk offline, is so many of. the things that are our superpower.

coming into motherhood become our. Achilles heel. So if I go to fertility. for me I have been someone who makes. things happen like I know effort doesn't. always lead to outcome but. I feel like I have found a way for. effort to lead to outcome because I I. just more more and I like to I like to. move and I like to make decisions and I. like my studying to lead to good grades. and you know and I then I try to get. pregnant and I think for me I I would.

have benefited from someone saying, "Becky, you know how you've been pretty. successful at like effort, effort, effort, and then having pretty good. outcomes? Yeah, that's going to end up making. motherhood really hard for you." And I'd. be like, "What?" They're like, "That's. going to really work against you because. from getting pregnant to maintaining the. pregnancy to whether or not your kid is. an early walker or a late walker, effort doesn't lead to output. And that. might be harder for you than some of.

your friends who would say like, you. know, yeah, I've kind of been like a B. student like it's fine. I'm not like. they are better prepared to handle those. things well. And so again, I think it's. where knowing yourself. really helps you digest your own. fertility journey or early parts or any. part of parenting. I mean, I can imagine. the. every woman I think no matter which way. you go about it in in trying to get. pregnant and I talked about this a.

little bit on the episode where I. announced my pregnancy like. >> so yes, it brought up so much of like. the failure and the competitor in me. from being an athlete and you're like. why is wait why didn't it work? Why. isn't it working? and you're and you. only have yourself to blame, which you. should not be blaming yourself. But of. course, we're going to blame ourselves. because who else can we blame? And again. with women, like you just said, we it's. too scary of a world where we're so. conditioned like just blame yourself cuz. it's the easiest and it's the most.

ingrained in us. >> Can I say something on that? You know, my I had this situation with my oldest. He was a lot younger and it it's become. just such a helpful framework for me. So, we were backing out a car from a. garage and um my husband was driving and. my son had the door, the passenger door. like open in the back seat, but my. husband didn't know it was open when he. was backing out the car. And so, he. backs out. Obviously, the door hits the. side. It's, you know, Yeah. the whole. thing. And he said, "Why didn't you why.

didn't you close the door?" And my son. said, who's probably six at the time, "I. didn't know you were about to back out. It's not my fault." And my husband goes, "So, it's my fault?" And my son says, "You know, Dad, sometimes bad things. happen and it's nobody's fault.". And my heart races as I say this. We're. obsessed with fault. Like, when you're. not getting pregnant, it's probably nobody's fault. I mean, by. the way, look into it. Like, is it. what's going on? But, you know, when. your kid, you know, isn't talking yet.

Like, it's probably not your fault. Did. I not say enough words? And it's. probably not your kid's fault. It's. probably just hard, >> right? It's life. It's circumstances. >> I think Yeah. It's like sometimes things. are hard and fault just isn't a helpful. framework. >> Um, >> that's really helpful because I think it. it then can help release the shame and. the guilt that I feel like so many women. probably feel who are listening right. now being like, I get it's not my fault, but like, do you have any advice for any.

woman who's sitting here being like, but. Becky, I am so exhausted. Like, I've. been doing IVF. things aren't working. Like, is there any advice you have that. kept you going or or that you can share. to just help women just feel. keep going in your resilience? >> Yeah. Look, I think what's so hard is if. if becoming a mother is like such an. important focus for you, right? I think. advice of, oh, just put that to the side. and work out more or have lunch with. your girlfriends. Like, I hear friends. of mine saying, "Oh, my girlfriends are. getting pregnant. I freaking hate them.

I don't want to be around them. I'm not. even happy for them." Right? And so when. any one thing in your life becomes so. important, it's really hard when that. thing isn't happening anywhere near the. timeline. So number one, I would just. give yourself massive permission. Like. this is really hard. It makes sense. It. feel that way. It feels that way. This. stinks. And then yeah, at some point we. want to find an and like are there other. things that give me joy? Not 10 out of.

10 joy the way they used to, but two out. of 10, right? And just fighting for. those things I think really really. matters. I know plenty of people on a. fertility journey who said what would it. be like to give myself a couple month. break you know and you know I don't want. to say it's magic I want to be able to. say and then they randomly got pregnant. naturally cuz they weren't stressed like. okay that there's some stories but um. and I think also I know you've talked. about this. noticing when a timeline. drives us more crazy than is helpful.

again I don't think there's any simple. answers but just okay like this timeline. maybe it was never through maybe I am. going to be pregnant after my friends or. maybe my journey maybe there's a I don't. know other options for having children. Um but widening the aperture a little. It's great advice cuz I agree there's so. much comparison that understandably we. can't help but do and especially when. you want something in life and you are. someone who's a go-getter. You're like.

why is everyone else getting it and not. me? And I totally understand that. Um. but I agree with you. You have to just. keep finding the good in life and things. will work out. Things will work out as. they're supposed to. You will find. whether it's a different path or the. path works like it it's going to work. out. You have to believe that for. yourself. I also think something I. talked about recently was then to the. new moms who are like, "Oh my gosh, it. worked. I got pregnant. I'm having this. baby." Um.

um am I allowed to complain for a. second? And I think there's a lot of. shame around not feeling like this is. the best thing that's ever happened to. me and I am a new woman and I love this. and this life is great and it's like and. the changing thing looks perfect and. everything's organized and like whenever. you see these videos there's not a thing. on the ground. There's not a toy at a. place and so you start to be like oh my. god is it me? Is there something wrong. with me? And so I want to kind of go.

through some thoughts maybe that women. have and if you could just give any. advice to that person that's having that. thought. >> One woman may be thinking, "Why am I so. bored? I thought this was supposed to be. the most magical time of my life.". >> Because having a baby is full of the. same thing over and over and it is. monotonous and it is pretty boring. So. you probably feel bored because it's. boring. And going back to knowing. yourself, I was just talking to a good. friend about this. If you're someone. before having a baby who's loved.

spontaneity and novelty, you're the. friend who brings good vibes to the. party, you're the friend who says, "Let's do this for the weekend." You're. going to find it especially boring. And. so, I think there's a two things are. true here. I'm allowed to find this. boring. And this season is not a. barometer for the whole relationship I'm. going to have with my kid. >> Love it. And also, again, everyone. online, calm down. There's nuance. You're so grateful and happy and you. love this child, but you can have these. feelings. Yes. >> Um, okay. Someone thinks, "I thought I. was supposed to have a maternal.

instinct, but I have no idea what I'm. doing.". >> Instinct is what you've learned up to. that point. >> Full stop. That's what instinct is. So, like the idea that what we've learned. until that point is going to help us in. the hardest, most complicated job in the. world, especially in 2026 when all the. things that help our kids are being. slow,

quiet, available. All the things in 2026 is fast, more. stimulation, distraction. And so the. idea that that's going to come. naturally, you know, probably I think. what's instinctual for a lot of people. is I love my kid, but knowing how to. handle them freaking out during tummy. time or their first meltdown or the. hitting on the at the sandbox, that's. not Most people say, "Yeah, if I did. what's instinctual, I'd just scream at. my child." Right. Oh, that's helpful to. hear cuz I I have said that to some. friends. I'm like, I didn't learn this.

And again, I'm I'm like I like to be an. overachiever. I'm like, I'm going to try. to read. I'm going to try to do the. research, but like no one taught us. It's honestly similar to taxes in in. college. I'm like, why did I pay all. this? And then I got out and I was like, "Dad, how do I do my freaking taxes? I. got all this education for what the. things that I actually need to know. I. have no idea what I'm doing." It's the. same thing with motherhood where I'm. like, I get everyone's talking about. this maternal instinct. Like, I'm going. to lean in, but like I don't know. When. people are like, "Oh, you need the.

changing table and then you also need. they need enough tummy time." And I'm. like, "Wait, why do they need tummy. time?" They're like, "Oh, cuz the head. and the thing." And you're like, "Where. did you learn this?". >> Seriously, I think you're right that especially, you know, we've put in a lot more time. and energy and probably money, all of it. to learning things that are far less. important than in our life than our. day-to-day interactions with our kids. So, just be able to say some of this. will come naturally and some won't. Like. anything else in life, that that's it. And if it doesn't, you can learn and get. support. I appreciate you normalizing.

not having to know everything because. that to every expecting mother or. current mother or future mother is like. thank you Dr. Becky, cuz I've been even. having that. I'm like, when people are. referencing certain thing, breastfeeding. and this, I'm literally like, "Sir, holding, slow down. What What do I have. to do?" And I'm like, I know I will. learn as I go, just like I've done. everything in life. No one handed me a. manual. But it does with motherhood feel. a little bit like when you're looking. online. You're like, "Wait a second. How. does everyone know this?" Yeah.

>> And then you just figure it out. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Next one. Um, someone's thinking, "This baby stole my body." I think this. is so complicated. You've been in your. own body on your own for however many. decades, right? And then you're growing. a human for 9 months and then I think. all the movies they don't show that. after you birth this human like your. body is different for a while. And I I.

think and this is so helpful for you. know most moms first 24 hours, 48 hours, first 7 days, the majority of their. thoughts after having a baby are about. themselves. Because if you ever had major surgery, forget having a baby, any major surgery, which essentially is the same as having. a baby, cesarian, vaginal, whatever. Think about what someone would ask you. Okay, well what have you set up for. yourself? Who's taking care of you? What. supplies do you have for your body? Do. you know what your body is gonna kind of.

feel and what it's going to look like? This is what anyone would do except when. you have a baby. Nobody does that. And. then you think you're selfish and it. makes perfect sense. So true. It's like, no, no. Most people are like, "Rest. Take care of yourself. Don't get up. We'll get that for you." Then you have a. baby and everyone's like, "Hold on a. second. Like be be the great mom. What. are you doing?". >> Oh my goodness. Like your vagina is. ripped in half. Like I'm sorry. your. vagina's ripped in half or your ab you. would add surgery.

>> foot in half seven layers deep. >> and then you're like why don't I have. this rush of bonding because you're in. survival mode you just of course not. that's going to come after. >> that's so important I think to just. acknowledge and I think there's a lot of. women who don't say it cuz it feels. insane that even to just hear that right. after you're gonna be thinking about. yourself because that is survival mode. of I'm trying to keep myself alive yes. so I can also be alive for this. But I've got to take care of me. It's. >> We're back to the plane, Dr. Becky. When.

they say put the oxygen on first before. you take care of the child, you have to. be whole and good. >> Yes. And let's stay with that that the. pilot cuz there's a million pilot. metaphors. Does that make sense? >> Pilots board the plane before passengers. do. They have a little time for. themselves. And think about a pilot. If. you're on a plane and you hear a pilot. say, "I love my passengers so much. I've. been flying for three weeks straight. with no rest. Three weeks straight with. no rest cuz I love you so much and I.

don't even want Get me get me off that. plane. >> No, I'd be like you need to go for a nap. immediately. >> now. And actually there's law, >> right? That pilots after a certain. number of hours have to go off the plane. and take care of themselves because we. know their job of taking care of others. depends on that. So, as a new parent, as. a parent of older kids, whatever it is, we've created this false binary that I'm. taking care of my kids or taking care of. myself, you would never want to be on a.

plane with a pilot who wasn't taking. care of themselves. Oh, we're loving this. Oh, the ladies. needed to hear this one today. Okay. I. don't trust myself. I feel anxious every. time I'm alone with my baby. >> You know what I'd start with? It sounds. like if I go back to confidence is. selfrust. Well, it sounds like you. actually do trust something. You're. noticing you're very anxious when you're. alone with your baby. We're just going. to start there. You do trust that. experience. Tell me more about it. Tell. me, what is that like? Oh, well, I'm.

always worried I'm going to, you know, drop my baby. And honestly, kind of. obsessive, compulsive thoughts after you. have a baby are one of the most common. forms of anxiety. And it sounds really. scary. Like, I don't want to What if I. drop my baby when I go down the stairs? Who thinks that? Oh my goodness. who. thinks that and then what you do is you. get in an avoidance cycle. You ask your. mom who's can you can you take the baby. down the stairs, right? And then you. tell yourself, I don't trust myself. because in some ways it's been hard to.

separate. That's a thought. In fact, the. thought gives me pain because I don't. want to do it right. And so, look, this. is such a good reason to make sure. someone said, "What I do for all my. friends when they're pregnant is I give. them a name of a good postpartum. therapist, need it or not, and if they. have a partner, I give it to the. partner." But also, just knowing these. thoughts are normal. You're adjusting to. something totally new. I'm taking care. of another human who's a, you know, just.

completely dependent on me. >> And I also love how you're saying like. again, thoughts are not facts. Saying. things out loud though is so helpful. because then like you just said, "Oh, I'm so oh it seems like you're anxious. Why?" Like a lot of times the fear, I'm. sure it can be unlocked by talk to me. about what's going on, whether it's to. your partner, to your mom, to your. someone who's helping you, anyone who's. around, >> they're going to by you just expressing. what this fear is that's being this. intrusive thought, all of a sudden.

there's probably going to be an helpful. solution around the corner. But we need. to be able to feel comfortable enough to. actually vocalize what we're feeling. instead of feeling shamed to be like, I. don't want to say this out loud cuz this. sounds actually crazy. >> Yeah. And and I think you're right. You're taking it from something so. global and you're just trying to find. the specific nuggets. Again, so glad you. told me that. Well, when do you feel. like that? Tell me more and then we can. get into something more specific to. intervene. >> It's a great point. Okay. Someone says, "I was happier at work and I'm secretly. really excited to go back. Is there.

something wrong with me? Am I a bad. mom?". >> So, you are not a bad mom. Many moms. feel like this and I think this is also. probably Alex helpful for you to reflect. on. If you think about let's say 0 to 10. with 10 being the highest how. stimulating your life is before you have. a baby. Everyone should know their. number before they go in. And everyone. has a number that they kind of like like. some people like a 10 out of 10. stimulating. They like they like the. work and they love the conversations and. they love hard projects and they kind of. like to travel. They like complex.

things. They like moving a lot. Being. with a baby is very low stem. Very low. stim. The best your day gets is your. apartment looks kind of as good as it. did in the start. You're probably not. leaving your house. It's really hard to. leave your house. You're like, "All I. did was what? I guess I fed. I washed. some things." Like, how is it 6:00 p.m.? And so your body is really adjusting. And if especially your work is a pretty. stimulating environment, there's an. understandable crash. your body as.

totally separate from how much you love. your baby. Totally separate things. Call. Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. Daddy gang. The bump. I'm kind of hiding. it right now, but the bump has it's been. bumping recently. Okay, I swear every. day we're just getting a little bit. bigger. And this whole thing, it just. keeps starting to feel more and more. real. And so I really wanted Matt and I. to have just a little time together.

before our life completely changes in. the biggest way. And so we planned a. baby moon and booked the most gorgeous. beach house on Airbnb. It really was. exactly what we needed. We had some slow. mornings with coffee on the porch and. just we were reading. I was like, who. are we? We're reading outside. We were. cooking dinner together at night. Obviously, Henry and Bruce were in. heaven just like running around on the. beach. And that is what I love about. booking a home on Airbnb. You get the.

privacy and the space to actually just. settle in and the place that you're. staying can feel like part of the trip. instead of just somewhere that you have. to sleep. And September is such a good. time to do it. The summer crowds. actually finally start dying down. The. weather is still amazing and it's. perfect excuse to just squeeze in one. little getaway. Okay, so whether it's a. girls trip, a romantic weekend, or a. family vacation, Airbnb makes it easy to. find a place where everyone can actually. be together. And now you can even order.

groceries for your trip through Airbnb. so they're ready for you right when you. arrive because the last thing I. personally want to do after a long day. of traveling is immediately go find a. grocery store. I'm always looking for. little ways to make traveling feel. easier, and Airbnb has become one of. those things I come back to every time I. plan a trip. Do you have any advice for people who, let's say, are. in a situation where they're staying. home with the baby because, you know,

you just gave birth and their partner. has to go back to work and there's maybe. a little jealousy of like, oh, you're. getting to come home and you're telling. me about your workday and I'm actually. speaking goooo gaga language still and I. love this baby, don't get me wrong, but. I'm starting to go a little stir crazy. like how can the partner who is getting. to go out into the world and still. interact and be an adult human being. interacting with the other adults and. coming back and getting kind of the good. parts of both. How can that partner be.

supportive of the person at home? >> Great. Such a good question. I mean to. me if and that dynamic gets enacted a. lot and I think what it says in terms of. let's say it's that mom's more core. internal need is what's the wish? I. think that's like a helpful framework. always. What's the wish? Well, I wish. even as I'm home, I had moments of my. week where fill in the blank. I was out. talking to other adults. I was talking. about something with someone that wasn't. how many ounces the baby ate. Right.

Okay. And if it becomes less about you. have this and I don't and more, okay, well, underneath that comparison, is. there something I wish for? Then I'd. like my partner's help figuring out how. I can carve out time for me to meet. those needs. So, on Saturday, can you do. this? and I'm going to go get those. needs met. >> It's a great point. Again, I think like. we talked about boundaries. Now, it's. actually like a lot of this comes down. to vocalizing what you need because a. lot of it is probably you're internally.

going through a lot and you just went. from essentially knowing one version of. yourself and then now you're meeting an. entirely new version of yourself. And I. even will admit sitting here, I'm like, I am so excited for this time off. Like, I've never really taken time off. I. can't wait. But there is a little part. of my brain that's like, you think. you're going to be able to go almost 3. months with like no work and just this. baby. And that sounds to me amazing, but.

I'm like, oh, I know myself. I'm going. to get the itch and I'm going to have. these feelings. and to not make myself. feel. guilty for not being so satisfied with. just sitting in a home with this child, but finding other things for myself to. do to feel like I'm stimulated. That. doesn't make me a bad mother. No. I. mean, if I think about my first couple. days after having my first, I mean, I. had an emergency C-section for my first. and I had to be under anesthesia. like.

it was a re, you know, my son came out, you know, totally healthy. But I come. home and I am I've always really liked. action and I was baking biscati and this. is like a totally psychotic thing to do, you know, and I was like cooking for. people coming over and I said to my. husband one day, I think it was like day. six. I go, "This is crazy. I only need 4. hours of sleep.". >> No. >> Obviously, he was like, "Oh my goodness, we've gone to the dark. We've gone to. the dark. You're losing it.

>> I'm losing it." And then I crashed. >> Wait, did you say this was on day So. it's probably day six after having a. baby. >> Yeah. No, no, no. And you had a. C-section. >> and a C-section. >> No, no, no, no, >> no. I I was not paying attention to. anything going on. I think um my brain. was like running and in some ways I. think trying to repeat the life I had. had. >> 8 days prior. >> Like just let's get back to it. >> Back in it. I completely crashed. I. mean, I had to go back to the hospital. They I It was like so bad. And I think.

you're right though to go in knowing I. wish someone had said Becky your brain. is going to want to keep doing all the. things. And that's probably where deep. down you've gotten value. You get. endorphins. You feel like yourself. You. are about to meet a totally different. part of yourself. Not just Becky as mom, but Becky as someone who stays in bed. every my husband made me nap after that. Every day I'd say this is insane. I'm. not even tired. Every day I would nap. every day. But I didn't know it. I. didn't I didn't feel. >> you fall asleep in two seconds. I'm not.

even tired. He's like, "Good go to bed.". You're like, "Okay.". >> Literally. >> Best nap of your life every day. >> Literally every day. >> Oh, wow. We have No, we have to listen. to our bodies and we have to not try to. just pretend like something didn't. massively change. >> Um, okay. You give the best advice. We're going to do some rapid fire to get. your take on some hot parenting topics. Are you ready? >> Ready. >> Okay. Your kid says, "I hate you." What. do you do? >> I would say nothing in that moment.

Probably say it again and I'd say, "I. love you. Let's talk when, you know, things are a little cooler.". >> Okay. Screen time. Do you have any best. practices? >> This one's so hard because. people, everyone has different lives. We. need different things. I really respect. that. And screen time tends to be the. solution to the problem today and the. cause of the problem tomorrow. Oh, that one hurt. That was a good. That's a good line. Oh, that's a good.

one. Let's quote that. Okay. Is bribing. your kid ever okay? >> Yes. Certain situations require M&M's to. get out the door. It's fine. >> Okay. I love that. Um, how do you. provide for your child without making. them spoiled? >> This is a more nuanced question than it. appears on the surface because I think. we're talking about spoiled and. entitlement. Entitled kids are kids who. have never learned how to tolerate. frustration. And worse, they're kids. whose frustration was met with an exit.

ramp. And so they believe the world. should continue to offer that. I am not. someone who should feel frustrated, which you can't blame a kid for when. they're 18 if that was kind of what was. taught to them. So the best way for kids. not to become entitled and spoiled is to. make sure. tolerating frustration, not avoiding it. or exiting from it is just part of the. everyday life of a kid. That's great. advice. Um, how do you handle the in-law. who undermines all of your parenting? Oh.

my god, I feel like we could do a whole. episode on this. Yeah, I mean I think. this comes down to your marriage and how. open you can be together about kind of. those dynamics. And then, you know, I do. think there's a kill with kindness. approach and say it's to my. mother-in-law where you can, you know, say some version of like, hey, our. relationship is important to me. Let me. start with that. And it's probably only. going to become more important now that. I have a kid and I know you really care. about that kid as well. I'd love to talk. to you about something that has been.

kind of hard in the house that I'd love. to be able to shift because I know we. both want the best for this kid, right? And so being on the same team against a. problem, the problem is the different. messages. The problem is the passive. aggressive comment, >> if we can see a situation that way. versus the problem is my mother-in-law, we can usually align with someone. instead of against them. >> You're good at this. >> Whoa. You're like, >> Easier said than done in the real life. WA. Okay. Um, if a child goes through a.

phase where they are strongly preferring. one parent, what do you do? >> Totally normal. Again, kids are just. playing around with their relationships. They're trying to figure it out. What do. you do if you're the It's usually harder. some for the nonpreferred parent, right? Um, you can't give me a bath. Only mommy. can give me a bath. Right. Number one, try humor. Just actually in general, lean into a resistance instead of. fighting it. It's so true. I don't even. know where a bath is. And I pick up my. kid. Is this the bath? And I kind of.

hold my kid over the toilet. My kid's. going to say, "That's not the bath." All. of a sudden, we're connected. And. usually I can roll with it. Or just the. other version is just allow it and just. kind of move on. You wish mom was giving. you a bath tonight. That's it. And then. keep going. >> I like the humor advice. That's good. >> If you see another kid being mean to. your own kid, when do you step in? Um, I mean, I think there's probably. degrees and then there's repetition,

right? So, something seems really out of. control, really bullying, I might step. in, stay, you know, right away and just. say, "Wo, that is not okay in this. house. I'm not going to let that happen. I have two good kids. You can't talk to. my kid like that. There's no more of. that." Or maybe it's lower key and I'm. more think why does my kid let this. these little things keep happening? Um, and then I'd probably intervene with my. kid in a again in a quiet moment. Hey, I'm noticing whenever Kieran comes. around, he takes all your trucks and.

says, "You can't play with any of your. own trucks." Like, what's going on. there? Do Do you Do you like that? What. do you want to figure out what you could. say? Let's think about that together. because I know those situations are hard. in the moment, but I feel like if we. kind of come up with a little game plan, we can figure it out together. >> And at what point do you go to the other. kid's parent? Um, I don't know if. there's an exact science to this. Um, you know, again, it's probably something. to do with how extreme and the. repetition. And again, I think these can. actually be productive conversations. If.

again, we assume this kid is probably. also a good kid, having a hard time, not. having enough boundaries, whatever it. is, I can say, look, I want to share. something with you. Let me just say off. the bat, I don't think there's any bad. kid here, but this is something I know I. would want to know. Um, and I want to. share it in a way that you might find. useful in your home. Here's what I. notice. >> Great. Okay. What is your take on. allowing your children to see you cry or. really break down? >> I mean, I don't know if the word allow. is how I'd think about it. Sometimes. that happens. Again, our kids are kind.

of assessing our sturdiness. So, if I. can help it, I probably don't want to be. breaking down all the time. But. seeing us cry doesn't kind of disorient. a kid as much as seeing us cry and then. not talking about it or making up a. random story that doesn't make sense. Right? So hard things in a kid's. environment, that's not what's hard for. a kid. What's hard for a kid is when. they notice things in their environment. and no adults talk to them about it.

because then they have to make up their. own story, right? And the t the stories. a kid makes up tend not to be accurate. or useful, right? And so if you cry, just talk about it with your kid. Hey, you saw me crying over there, you know? And then whatever version feels. developmentally appropriate. I was. talking to a friend who got some sad. news about someone she loves. And. sometimes when our friends are sad, we're sad, right? And then I think a. line that's helpful is, you know, I can. be sad and take care of you at the same. time. Because that's probably what a kid.

is really wondering. That's so helpful. just everything I think also that you've. shared today about like so much of it is. kids really how did you say it earlier. you're like they're just wanting to. understand like who they are in the. world and and is this real and what's. happening and so as a parent just like. giving them guidelines and guidance in. those moments where they're kind of. floundering and looking around not. giving them the answer but just giving. them those safety guard rails in moments. that feel scary um is really helpful to.

take away from today for me. >> And and kids notice everything. They. notice more than we do because, >> right, their survival is dependent on. their attachment with us because they. can't take care of themselves for in. insane amount of time. And so they have. to perceive everything in the. environment. Is that safe? Is that safe? Is that a threat? Is that a threat? So. they they notice everything. And so I. think sometimes we think we're. protecting them by not talking about. something. They've already seen it. So. either they've seen it and they have a.

story from you to understand or they've. seen it and then they have to make up. their own story or they start to going. back to conference Alex they start to. doubt their perceptions. Well mommy's. belly does keep getting bigger or I do. keep hearing my uncle's name and cancer. all the time but may maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't really notice that because. no one's talking to me about it. you. have done so much work. >> I'm wondering like what are you most.

focused on and interested in now? >> You know, it's such good timing for this. conversation because I think my my. parenting work so of it so much of it. started with pregnant women and new. parents in my practice, right? That was. and when I started Goodside, I had. toddlers and then my kids have grown up. into teens and so that's kind of. naturally where so many things went. But. now at Goodside, we're so excited to be. focused on the pregnancy and baby stage. because in some ways I think it's it's.

how we really start to lose ourselves, especially as moms. We're obsessed with. the fruit size of our baby, which by the. way, I totally was too and it's very. fun. And we track everything, which. again I think we can do, but we we kind. of lose track of ourselves by only kind. of focusing on everyone else. And so to. be able to help new parents and show up. and just say, "Yeah, let's help you with. the feeding. Let's help you with the. sleep, but also let's help you with you. Let's help you learn to set boundaries. Let's help you in your partnership.

before things explode." And that that's. what's really exciting me right now. >> You also are writing children's books. What is different about your book? >> Um, you know, I I love children's books. I'm obsessed with children's books. I. also think they've always helped me be a. good parent when I'm too exhausted to be. a good parent. Like I'd come home and. I'm like, "I can't." I'm like, "All. right, I can read. So, let me just pick. out a book that feels like it has some. good themes and I can ask like one. question at the end." I'm like,

"Perfect." Pat myself in the back. So, I. wanted to give parents I think they're. tools when they're the right books. And. I always love Robert Munch books. Um I. just they show kids doing not nice. things, saying not nice things. My kids. always loved them and I've never been. too afraid that seeing those things are. going to make my kids act that way. And. my kids are exposed to all types of. things in the real world. >> But a book with some hard stuff allows. me to say, "Oh, I wonder what you would.

do if you were Charlie. Oh, have you. ever felt like Pia? Do you know? I don't. know if you knew this, but when I was. six, I I hit people sometimes. If you want to. have your kids mouth drop and be have. successful interventions with them, you. tell them that's right. They're like, "What? My amazing mom used to hit and. you're like, "Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Let me. tell you about that." And now all of a. sudden you reduce shame because you can. say you're not the only one, but if they. hear a story of when you struggled with. something they're going through, they.

have proof that they're not the only. one. And nothing changes behavior as. much as adding that component. So I was. saying, let me show real situations. Every parent has them anyway. And also. show parents through a picture book how. maybe they can intervene a little. differently. And then to be able to read. a book like that and then say, "Yeah, I. had that." Or, "What do you think?". Again, you're going to have a 8-second. conversation. Okay. But that's all. sometimes that you need to unstick.

things. >> Absolutely. Okay. Last question. as. someone who's about to enter the mom. club and to anyone that's watching. that's also about to become a new. mother. What is your last piece of advice? Anything that comes to mind? It doesn't. need to be the best advice, but just. anything that you want to leave and. impart your wisdom on me and us with. today. Um, I mean, I think the best. framework, you know, I think about as. someone's becoming a mom is just.

knowing yourself and making sure you're. in the equation is a foundation to. taking care of a child. And so, if you. know the things that make you feel like. you, right? And you kind of I'm going to. get concrete. You write them down. Hopefully, some of them are small. Like, I love dancing to some song from high. school. It makes me remember. I loved. that or I really like to work out a. couple days a week for 20 minutes, but. that makes me feel strong in my own.

body. You'll probably have a hard time. doing them for the first number of. months. But just knowing that part of. your job as a mom is keeping those. things alive for your benefit and for. your kids' benefit. That that's what I. want to make sure people know. It's such. good advice. I am definitely going to do. that cuz I could see myself being like, "Oh my god, I'm losing my way and what. do I want to do?" And it's like, "Well, what made you happy before and what. makes you feel like yourself?" And I. agree. So, you can show up to be the.

best version of yourself. Um, it is, it. seems simple, but just from what. everything I've heard from friends who. have gone through this, like you're in. this little vortex and it can be a lot. and overstimulating and confusing and. all of that is okay. And you need to. make sure you're taking care of yourself. in order to feel your best because. >> yes, this child is amazing, but you're. also you deserve to live also a happy. life. And being a mom is not your entire.

identity. You were someone like you said. for decades before this. So you're not. just going to like drop her off on the. side of the road and just like come up. with a whole new persona and identity. You still have to nourish that side of. yourself while also embracing the new. aspects of yourself. >> I think that's exactly it. And all the. hard parts, the can I stay with my kid. when they're having a tantrum instead of. just, you know, making it go away right. away. If I've had a couple moments of my. week where I feel like me, my ability to.

do that is so much higher than if it's. just one kind of thing after the next of. only taking care of someone else. So, I. think it all comes together. Dr. Becky, I can't thank you enough for coming on. Call Her Daddy. I feel. enlightened. I feel inspired. I feel. more prepared. And I also feel like. there's so much in here that tangibly I. appreciate you giving so many concrete. examples because I really feel like. there's so many things that people. probably quite literally were writing.

down today. I know I'm like going to go. back and write all of this down. Um, you. are such an inspiration. you have such a. clear vision and it's really really nice. to have a woman who can speak so. eloquently about something that is very. complicated and it is very intimidating. and so thank you for giving us your time. and I know we went a while but I needed. to squeeze everything out of you. Um so. thank you so much for coming. >> Thank you. You as such an amazing range.

of really thoughtful questions. I I. really enjoyed this so thank you.