Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments (Full Episode)

[Music]. what is up daddy gang it is your. Founding Father Alex Cooper with call. her. daddy no she's already talking [ __ ] get. in. here where the C coming from this. direction oh my God you guys it's us. we're back together. again you're so stupid dude you have no. idea St.

no you don't know no I do I do no sit. down are those pills those are Vicodin. what I have a fever right now just so. you know I this is my owls Brew Chelsea. Handler's VOD Cal lemonade that's coming. out with my book I have three flavors. pink yellow and mint non-sparkling very. healthy cocktail I'm going to be. drinking this while I'm here do you want. to just do full promo and I'll just sit. back and relax sure that's why I'm here. wait what is so I was supposed to I I'm. in agony I have a shoulder infection.

okay and they wanted to have surgery. today and I have too much press. including you I'm like I can't blow off. Alex I don't even know who I'm talking. to who am I talking to right now look at. there's so many people. here okay hold we're all just staring at. you but my assistant put this in my car. this morning and I was like are you what. do you want me to do with that he goes I. don't know take it around with you I go. take it around with me he's new to town. so he doesn't know how things work I. think it's I thought it was really funny. oh I think it's amazing right there but.

I do have to take a vicad in and I. thought what better place because right. here so I'm doing my surgery I got an. injection to help my shoulder a PRP. injection whoever is listening don't. ever [ __ ] do that and now and I've. had chills and sweats for the last like. two weeks since the injection and my AR. my arm was excruciating like my shoulder. I couldn't lift it I can barely lift it. now and I so I come back from Whistler. and I go to the doctor and I was like. something's off and they're like let's. give you an MRI and they're like oh you.

have an infection and I was like okay. and they're like do you feel like you're. infected and I said well I've been. having hot and cold flashes for the last. two weeks but I just assumed that was. like per menopause or something so I got. estrogen progesterone and now I found. out it's a [ __ ] infection and I'm. probably not even in per menopause I. probably am you know what I mean we so. you're taking a vikin in right now. absolutely I've never had one what does. it do no no no you should have one. actually should I yeah to calm me down.

probably does it relax you it feels good. you know what I mean it's like a nice. buzz like you'll see what happens to me. like halfway through this interview. it'll hit I I I cut it in half because. it hits you faster if you do that just. FYI for. pills I seem crazy right now no no no. this is good you look. Gorge I know thank you I loved your. interview with Amy oh that was fun yeah. that was really fun that was a good time. and she brought her like feet with no.

[ __ ] nail polish and she didn't wear. she didn't wear socks with heres she. does she she dresses worse than you do. you know what I mean she just does not. give a [ __ ] I just was with her in New. Orleans she Amy will walk down the. street in pajamas and go out she does. not care she doesn't care but I kind of. love that she did it she did an episode. with Oprah for something and I'm pretty. sure it was it was something like. sweatpants and like a. cardigan and to do like some interview. with Oprah somewhere and I just thought. wow look at you girl is that how you.

feel about what I wore when I. interviewed the vice. president what I don't I wore a big. [ __ ] hoodie and everyone was giving. me so much [ __ ] for it like how why did. you dress up for that no I think what. your stick is is good I mean keep yeah. yeah keep it who cares who you're. interviewing she didn't win anyway so. obviously didn't [ __ ] matter you know. what I. mean okayer. loser we're not smoking today no I don't. think so we can't but it'll be there. like in memory of what we've done in the. past yeah well you I heard you on the. Amy Shimmer one that you don't do drugs.

anymore that was very disappointing no. no I don't do hard drugs I smoke weed. that's not a hard drug is it no weed is. not a hard drug exactly so like I I. still dabble with this Edibles this but. I'm not like snorting a line today but. don't say you dabble with marijuana that. sounds like you're 85 years old dabble. with pot I do I'm not hitting it like I. used to I used to have a bong in my. apartment yeah now I've kind of cut back. well I don't I'm such a mess I don't. know what I'm doing so you're drinking. Al I'm drinking alcohol I am on a liquid.

diet today for my surgery tomorrow. morning I'm not joking I'm getting. surgery tomorrow morning no actually I. have an owls Brew photo shoot tomorrow. so I have to wait until that's done. because everyone's flying out from New. York and then I'm getting my surgery at. around 1 p.m. my photo shoot starts at. 5:00. a.m. I love being you. sucessful I love it Chelsea Handler. welcome back to color daddy this show is. sponsored by better help let's talk.

about 2025 okay every January brings you. 365 blank pages waiting to be filled now. to some that can be daunting you're like. oh my God wait a second no and others. can be like wow this is such an. opportunity I see this as an opportunity. daddy gang to work on yourself and to. become a better version of yourself in. 2025 in 2025 maybe you're ready for a. plot twist or maybe there's a part of.

your story you've been wanting to revise. life isn't about resolutions that fade. by February it's about picking up the. pen and becoming the author of your own. life boom bam boom think of therapy as. your editorial partner helping you write. the new chapters and create the. meaningful story you deserve to live I. understand it can be daunting when. you're like I don't even know how I. would begin therapy like there's so much. to unpack well guess what the more that. you stress that you haven't started it. you're wasting time you could have.

already broken into that trauma you. could have already broken into those bad. habits you could have already bro. there's so much that you can do you just. have to start daddy gang trust me. therapy has changed my life and I really. really recommend that all of you give it. a try if there's any sign it's this to. get into therapy better help is fully. online making therapy affordable and. convenient serving over 5 million people. worldwide it accesses a diverse network. of more than 30,000 credential. therapists with a wide range of. Specialties and you can easily switch.

therapists anytime at no extra cost okay. if you don't like a therapist change. Write Your Story with better help visit. betterhelp.com Daddy to get 10% off your. first month that's betterhelp. hp.com. daddy how many times have I been here. three this is the third I love it do you. know what's happening not really I mean. I never know what's happening with you I. just know that there's always a lot. happening oh no so I'm moving and this.

is like the original Studio I don't know. if you ever seen it but like we film in. here all the time but you're getting. what I would consider like a nice moment. cuz we're kind of like saying farewell. to this space oh good I I love that I. love part of that I love that is this a. lawn chair yeah this is like a lawn. soccer mom chair right cuz you don't get. the nice high-end chairs that we used to. have in here because you got rid of. those we got rid of those and you. couldn't even rent two for the day. because of what didn't you just make. a100 million I don't understand what is. going on here I thought it would humble. this yeah well I don't want to be.

humbled okay January has humbled all of. us okay the month of January should be. taken off the calendar as they say in. Spanish anero. phito okay we're gonna play a game to. kick this off oh this is your new thing. I heard you do this with Amy okay sure. we're just cuz like you know unlike you. and Amy like some people need to loosen. up you don't need to loosen up at all. although I'm excited to see how this. Viking hits yeah yeah me too like what's. going to happen maybe I'll take another. one who knows you know how fast ises it. hit I mean it'll just it'll take make my.

pain subside you know so your arm will. just start yeah it'll start probably. yeah doing its thing yeah okay Restless. arm syndrome I'm asking you if you want. to keep this trend in 2024 or if you. want to bring it into this year look. alike contests I I don't want to keep. any Trend okay you don't even have to. finish these questions no you're on a. podcast you have to participate look. alike no what is that again Timothy sham. Jeremy Allen White they've been doing. like look Alik oh yeah yeah yeah I don't. care about that no those two do look.

alike though by the way they're both. little nuggets you know what I mean um. would you ever attend a Chelsea Handler. lookalike contest I doubt that would you. be insulted no I just don't care yeah. okay how do you feel about clean girl. aesthetic clean girl aesthtic every time. I come here I feel like I'm talking to a. somebody in kindergarten that's how. [ __ ] old what is what is clean girl. aesthetic you kind of are giving clean. girl aesthetic right now well I'm. [ __ ] I'm a hot piece of ass so if.

that's what that means then great clean. girl is like minimal makeup yes I'm. always I'm about that I love that I love. that but are you a pck me girl a pck me. no pick me like pck me no despy. no so you know what pikme is I think it. means I think I can understand Desperado. yeah Desperado appeal to the male gay no. no no no no no I don't need to appeal to. the they see me is it true that you is.

it true that when you shower you know. what my favorite thing is about. listening to your podcast is the only. time you can tell when you're laughing. because it's the only time you're not. talking so when there's just right like. right what's happening now to the. listeners when it's when it's quiet cuz. she has you have a very quiet laugh you. like a little under yeah yeah yeah yeah. so should I shut the [ __ ] up no no I I. love you so you I like you too what do. you mean I like any [ __ ] I done for.

you are you [ __ ] kidding me I flew to. [ __ ] Nashville for your ass she asked. me do you she asked me to that she would. send me a plane to the Nashville I did. you didn't take the offer [ __ ] you. don't need to send me a [ __ ] plane. honestly okay send me a plane but that's. a good friend that you didn't even like. want to take the offer some people would. be like immediately jumping on that yeah. yeah well I've been on a lot of planes. so that's okay thank you though thank. you but thank you for showing up yeah. did show up and now look what we're.

doing we've got your [ __ ] poster with. your head on it your this I've got this. I've got my unwell here I am every here. I am um I hear that when you shower uh. you only clean your hot spots your vag. your butt and your armpits is that true. this has become an issue yeah I don't. know why my legs would be dirty they're. covered up all day in my jeans and. they're not out you know what I mean my. legs aren't going out without me and I'm. pretty like I you know I showered the. day before also. and when I lather my hair with shampoo.

and conditioner there is a lot of lather. and that drips down my body over. Cascades over my voluptuous breasts onto. my navl and then down to my Pikachu and. the my hot spots which are well there's. four you know what they are yes as long. as I get in there I can take less than a. three minute shower and I often do I. should wash my hair cuz that's like not. washing my hair doesn't feel.

there's no point to a shower if you're. not kind of like sweaty gross all day. and so I get in I wash my Pikachu I wash. my [ __ ] and I wash my underarms and. which has been hard lately because I. can't lift my right shoulder so getting. under this armpit I can actually smell. it right now it's not and I never smell. you smell amazing and you look amazing. I'm going to be honest I do the same. thing you don't wash your legs I have no. reason to wash my kneecaps I have no. reason to like get the back of the calf. like I don't get back of the calf I mean. I mean honestly like like I'm getting.

the back of the calf what about shaving. doesn't that count for something isn't. that that's true and that's like once a. week but your legs are so skinny I mean. you shouldn't be washing them what are. they collecting dirt I mean it's so. stupid but you know I guess I don't know. I thought for a while I'm like God maybe. I really don't know how to shower but. then I'm like things are going pretty. great so [ __ ] it why am I going to rock. the boat I think you should keep doing. exactly what you're doing this is your. seventh book yes what the [ __ ] I mean. congrat congatulations but also like how.

do you still have so much to say I I. know I know because I have a real life. that's why I have things to say because. I keep it you know I keep it real and I. have real experiences and as I have to. because if you are a creative person in. any way and you forget to have a real. life then you have nothing to talk about. I do stand up and I write books and I. need stories so I have to travel the. world and remain like you know it's a. nice life it's a great life why why did. you dedicate the book to flight.

attendance because they've been through. hell no you know that I mean maybe you. don't because you've been flying. privately for so long first of all I do. not fly that way often I did that for. you oh I thought the way to lure you in. I was testing our friendship and then I. wanted you to be like I'd take a bus for. you oh well I wouldn't take a bus for. anyone let's be honest but I do I I I. think flight attendant are some of the. the most UN.

unappreciated um service people that we. have I think everyone in the Ser what. they went through through covid made me. horrible made me irate I wanted to I did. go off on people on planes I was I'm. part of the crew when I get on a plane I. become part of the crew and I want to be. one of them they know that I'm on their. team I'm not with the passengers I'm. with the the crew yeah what I do on a. plane ride is usually pop a Xanax and go. to bed I don't like to drink on planes. dring alone sad andely.

want I kind of like drinking on a plane. a lot of people do I just feel like it. doesn't count I'm getting a little. [ __ ] up I'm looking around but I don't. like to talk to anyone like if you're on. a plane are you talking to the person. next to you what do you think what do. you think I have headphones I there are. not large enough headphones out there to. send the signal to people that I do not. want to be approached I don't because. you're doubling up on your head I have. headphones that are literally the size. of a small car so that it's like you.

couldn't I couldn't hear you if you had. a megaphone um but I do fly all the time. and I fly commercially most of the time. because I think that's the most. responsible thing to do I agree I mean I. don't want to be somebody who's you know. that out of touch I do fly privately. once in a while but um I just I I think. flight attendants really deserve our. respect they are trapped in the sky with. us and they have been. treated with vitriol by idiots and so.

yeah I always I'm always I will always. have a flight attendance back that's. also though how you know this is your. seventh book though like cuz I feel like. who' you dedicate the first one to who. knows no but don't you think it goes. like family and then he goes friends and. now you're like [ __ ] number seven flight. attendance next time he going to be your. mailman Mars the trumps I'm going to. dedicate the next book to Ivanka I mean. yeah you're right that's actually a. really good point I look I'm of. dedications I already did the sappy ones.

to my family next one goes to me um okay. let's talk about traveling because you. travel all the time yes what qualities. do you need in a travel partner oh this. is good I feel like you have very. specific requirements cuz you like The. Vibes high so I have a cousin my cousin. Molly um she's like my my person one of. my people that runs my life with okay. and this year I was traveling to New. Zealand and Australia and she's my. favorite travel buddy we love to travel. Trel together but she's a type she's.

anal retentive she's a type A okay and. I'm a type Z I am a type A from about 8. to 11 in the morning once I get my [ __ ]. done and it takes me about three hours. to get my [ __ ] done and that's it okay. and then I like to go off the rails you. know what I mean love that for you so. Molly uh who has been a you know she's. she I've known her my whole life. obviously she's my cousin and she's. worked for me for many years on and off. um and I said let's go to to New Zealand. in Australia I was touring I said let's.

go together and she's like absolutely. she has a little three-year-old so she's. like I have to be as safe as possible. and I want to wear a face mask on the. plane and I need you to wear one too so. that I don't get my daughter sick and. I'm like we're going to be gone for. three weeks [ __ ] your daughter she's not. going to be here what are you talking. about Co is over I'm an anti-masker now. you know what I mean like now that it's. over I don't give a [ __ ] like stop not. wearing that for like a 14 hour flight. 14 hour flight wearing a mask and she's. like if you don't wear a mask I'm not. going to go with you and was like okay. fine I'll wear a mask psycho so we're on.

the plane and I take my I uh I have my. face mask on and she's across from me. you know in her little bed and we're. like looking at each other I get an. orange juice and I love orange juice and. um I get an orange juice and I forget my. mask is on and I take a sip with it and. and and all the orange juice Falls all. over my shirt and I'm wearing a white. T-shirt I have no extra clothes. everything has been checked I didn't. think I was going to spill like a. [ __ ] baby so and I'm like oh God damn.

it you know so I get up and I go to the. bathroom to start cleaning my shirt and. then I you know I'm like let me go to. the bathroom so I sit down on the toilet. and I pull my face mask down somehow. confusing that with my underwear and end. up urinating into my underwear and I'm. like are there drugs involved no nothing. has happened yet nothing has happened. this is like an hour into the flight I. haven't even taken my Xanax in and. that's what those flights are for it's.

like I love getting on a plane ride that. long in that little cubby hole taking my. Xanax going to bed like oh my it's like. a little apartment you have you know. what I mean and they take such good care. of you they treat you like a baby I love. that so I I I so now I'm soaked in. orange juice and urine okay and the. flight we have 14 hours left so I come. out of that [ __ ] bathroom I'm raging. I'm like you are a [ __ ] nightmare. that you made me wear this face mask and. now I'm in soaked in my urine and orange.

juice so we land okay somehow we land we. get to New Zealand and you know they're. very strict in New Zealand and Australia. they're very strict about Customs what. you're bringing in there's a whole list. of things to check off I've never been. did you bring you know did you bring. fruit did you bring vegetables do you. have a gun did you bring uh you know. whatever that you're not supposed to. bring into their country do you have a. dog or. whatever and my cousin there's so one. says do you do you bring it do you have.

any meats and my cousin goes to check. off. meats and I go what what are you what. are you what are you doing what what are. you doing and she's like I have a beef. jkey in my backpack oh my [ __ ] god. beef jerky I I I looked at her I go you. what what throw that rip that up and. throw that I have Edibles mushrooms and. a sheet of [ __ ] acid on me and you're. declaring a Chomps beef stick are you. [ __ ] kidding me right get the [ __ ].

away from me what the [ __ ] I'm covered. in orange juice urine and have so many. drugs on me and you're sitting here. talking about beef. jerky I would have tackled her to the. [ __ ] ground I I didn't talk to her. for three days we went to a winery when. we landed we went to a winery and we. didn't speak we sat across from each we. sat like six six seats away because. we're looking out into this beautiful. Valley New Zealand is gorgeous they have. all these beautiful wineries we're at. this Winer we weren't even speaking I.

was like I hope you're having a good. time on this trip that I invited you on. free I hope you're having a good time. somebody who wants to declare beef jerky. is not my friend I love though that you. like I would be interested to see what. the internet would say it's like but was. the orange juice your fault it could. have been my fault Alex but that's not. the point you know what I mean that. wasn't this is the blame game you know. I'm going to blame her and I will. continue to blame her for declaring beef. jerky first of all even if I didn't have. acid mushrooms and ecstasy or sorry.

Edibles mushrooms and acid that's what I. brought on that trip even if I had those. non-threatening items that people want. to get upset about you know what I mean. no one even if I didn't have that I. don't have time for someone who's going. to declare a beef jerky stick I agree. with you what are you going to do infect. a farm animal with that like it's. wrapped up what does a sheet of acid. look like oh it's beautiful it's got. this like big Buddha on it and Whistler. I have a ski house and Whistler that I. spend my Winters in yeah and um I get.

they have the best drugs in Canada most. things are legal it's all micro do you. know it's nothing too crazy it's not. like I'm tripping my balls off but I. like a little mood lifter so uh it's a. big Buddha lady and she's and and it's. one big sheet and it's got like. 376 hits on it and um it lasts me. throughout the year and I drug people. wherever I go I give people I'm like you. have to take this it's such a mood. lifter and an enhancer oh yeah yeah yeah. do you think I should try it I mean I. don't know that you need anything else.

you don't think I feel like you're. pretty amped up yeah but what I do like. we went whale watching in Australia and. so I took it like for that like oh we're. going to go see whales I want to. communicate with the animals and so are. you making noises no no no I just know. where like I I could tell where the PODS. of whales were before they could even. pop up out of the water and my cousin I. was like the guy on the boat would say. everybody go to the right there was like. 150 people on the boat and he'd be like. okay there's a whales to the right and.

they take you out of Sydney Harbor and. you go out into these huge swells. everyone's throwing up not me because. I'm [ __ ] seaworthy you know and. everyone's throwing up and and then he's. like okay there's a pot of whales at 45. degrees and everyone on the boat runs to. the one side of the boat and I'd be like. there's also a pot of whales coming up. over here and finally my cousin Molly. came up to me and she's like why are you. staying in the same spot I'm like. because I am in communication with the. whales. because I took LSD this and she goes.

it's kind of amazing that you've been. right about where the whales are each. time and I was like it would be kind of. amazing if you had take an LSD too. instead of your beef [ __ ] Chomp stick. I'm sorry but the thought of being on a. [ __ ] boat on LSD I've never done LSD. but like it sounds [ __ ] horrible. Chelsea it sounds like a [ __ ]. nightmare only you are like woo everyone. else. it's not woo it's.

like this is beautiful look at me look. at me talking to this whale like wow I'm. on a different vibration like. everything's a little sparklier a little. bit more glittery like there's you have. patience for people that you normally. wouldn't true and I could see you on a. boat with all those people whale. watching like you want to [ __ ] kill. they V well they're vomiting so. obviously so you know when you see. something blowing up on your socials. like a new makeup Trend or a beauty.

tutorial of course you want to try it. yourself that's when you head to Sephora. they have got the hottest names in. Beauty you can't miss Brands like Lan. K18 rare Beauty the ones that everyone. is talking about you guys know Sephora. is where it's at every single I would. say month I have a huge huge huge trip. that I do to Sephora whether it's online. or in store and I go ham I get myself. stocked up I get new things I get my. go-tos it is just a place where you feel.

happy and you feel good so Daddy gang. the next big thing is only at Sephora. shop now at. sephora.com okay I'm going to ask you. situations and you're going to tell me. what drug you would want to do in the. situation sure great girls trip in ABA. Molly waiting in line at the DMV oh God. I guess pot pot a first. date uh just alcohol okay your sister's. wedding. Molly watching The.

Notebook acid what I need a lifter for. that like that's okay okay a karaoke bar. oh God I would need I would need. something serious mix a little something. I probably haven't even tried yet cuz I. can't sing and so I don't want to be. seen singing I don't want to no no no I. can't sing and I can't dance what if we. just hit a tune right now I can't I. can't sing. Defying. Gravity defy in gravity yeah let's move.

on um grocery shopping don't do it you. don't go however I try not to okay um. n's High School graduation oh that would. be drugs for sure uh oh my yeah my. nephew's Bar Mitzvah I was handing. everybody Edibles at that at that event. oh at my cousin's wedding I handed even. my my cousin's mother who I think is my. cousin oh um I gave her a little [ __ ] a. little hit of LSD she didn't know what. what it was but I said just take this. your night's going to enhance and um and.

she took it and she had a great time the. good thing about getting drugs from you. is one I know you've already tried them. two you're rich so I feel like you are. sourcing the best [ __ ] and I feel like. I'd be safe with you like I wouldn't. feel like oh God I'm G to have a bad. trip because this is laced with. something like I feel like you're really. you know what you're doing yeah I I know. what I'm doing I have I was once I mean. this is a little segue but I'll take it. okay um I was in mayorca and um I was. there was this I I take acid to my ARCA.

and I dose everyone all my friends come. they have mind numbing bending. experiences we all have a great time is. it legal in my orc is as legal anywhere. I think it is legal in things are legal. in Spain that aren't legal everywhere. but who knows anyway um no one's really. looking for acid you know what I mean. they're not going to see that sheet of. that Buddha woman and go is that acid. they're going to be like oh she's a. really good artist and I saw this. elderly couple walking down the street. and they just looked so in love like. they were in their ' 80s and they were. holding hands and I was on LSD my whole.

group of friends was on LSD and I said. look how beautiful that is like they're. still into each other this man loves her. he was holding her one hand with both of. his hands and I stopped them and I was. like you guys are so cute like what's. the story they're like this is our 50th. wedding anniversary and I have a house. in my Ora so I wasn't far from my house. and I said oh my God your 50th wedding. anniversary I was like that's incredible. what are you guys going to do and. they're like we're just walking around. the port and I said this is I have two. kayaks that are in front of my house on.

the beach I said these are my kayaks I. said please take them and go out for. like a midnight stroll it's so beautiful. under the sky in my Orca the stars and. the Moonlight I said. please take these kayaks and I also have. some LSD yeah yeah and so I got their. medical background neither of them had a. heart condition or any sort of thing to. be alarmed about and I said I have these. little tabs I go don't be scared they're. micro do oh my God they were only. enhance if you are happy now you can't.

imagine the level of happiness you are. going to achieve if you take these and. and the man was like oh we're we're good. we're good we're we're in love I go no. no please trust me you know please and. please she and the woman goes I'd like. to try some and I said so I gave her a. hit I gave him a hit they decided to. take one kayak oh they went out to the. port I forgot about them I was with my. friends I was at some bar restaurant I. went to bed we all went to bed I woke up.

in the the next morning I was out on my. Terrace it was like 7: a.m. I'm working. out and I see the kayak pull up shut the. [ __ ] up and I'm like who oh my God that. that's that couple that I gave my kayak. to I go have they been out all night and. I live in this port and so you can kayak. out into the Mediterranean but there's. all these little Coes and they came up. the beach and they're walking towards me. and I'm waving to them I'm like hey guys. and they come up to the stairs to my. house and I open my gate and they come. in and they go we spent the whole night.

in an Al Cove like one of those caves we. kayaked into a cave and we spent our. 50th wedding anniversary up all night. talking about all of our favorite. memories you gave us the best gift we. could have ever been given and I was. like I had tears in my eyes you know. like like I'm like I'm a Healer I am. healing people and and then the woman. looked at me and she goes do you have. any more no and I and I did and I gave. it to her of course you know I share you.

are like a like a shaman Shaman yeah. you're like a drug Dueler or whatever. the want people to experience the great. listen drugs are not for everyone I. respect that and I understand that it. can be a problem for many people but. they're for me I want to come to my Orca. yeah I'm inviting myself I heard I heard. that I heard that I feel like you have a. big enough house I could kind of like. you could come to my Orca I'll give you. the house for a week you can be there. with you I know I know you.

do you're like yeah here's the keys. we'll we'll set a date I'm not there but. this Ellis like listen I'm not people. aren't like hallucinating it's a mood. lifter and a life enhancer and I really. believe it is medicinal and I am Pro. that do you do anything when you're. skiing yeah all the time oh edible smoke. pot is it true that you [ __ ] your ski. instructor uh yeah several well what how. does that come about well how doesn't it.

come about you tell me how you keep your. hands off of someone who's keeping. staying in charge of your body on a. mountain that can ski better than you. that's hot are how do you not have sex. with that person you tell me Alex well. to be fair I feel like skiing can be. like a little bit of a catfish situation. cuz you're like what's going on under. there have you ever been like oh oh oh. right that's a good point actually right. they looked a little sexy and then. they're a little not because they take. off the gator and they take off. everything and you're like that's not. what I thought you were that's what that. that once happened to me Scuba diving I. had a a dive instructor we were in uh.

French Polynesia and we were diving and. we were on this boat and we had two dive. Masters and we were diving with like. black tip reef sharks and white tip reef. sharks and they were pretty big and I. wasn't really good at scuba diving at. that point I had just gotten certified. and I was really nervous and I kept like. you know you're under so you're so far. underwater that it's it's scary that you. can't just go back up yes and I saw this. my cousin Molly again this [ __ ] one.

Jesus she pulls the bottom of my ankle. and I look down and there's a huge like. 8 foot black tip reef shark underneath. and I panic and I'm like having I'm. shaking and and my goggles I can't clear. my goggles I didn't I kept getting water. in them so I couldn't really see so you. couldn't see anything and I and so I. start panicking and I start going trying. to swim to the surface and then the Dive. Master came down put my goggles right on. my face cleared my m mask and then. looked at me and like held my hands and.

he's like and he's like motioning to. breathe in and breathe out and I'm. looking at him and I'm. like and he's holding my hands and then. he's like he's like do you want to go up. and I was like I want to you know I want. to stay with you and and I was like I. and then for the rest of the dive he and. I held hands and we do we swam around. all the sharks while he guided me. because he was now in charge of me and. this is a very big turn on to me and a. lot of women I think who have been.

neglected in their childhood by their. fathers and and and all my friends so we. had two dive Masters there were 10 of us. I had one and the rest of them the nine. of them had one and so I had. commandeered this guy and so we're. holding hands diving and I'm like I'm. gonna have to [ __ ] this guy you know. when we get to the surface I'm gonna. [ __ ] this guy I am so turned on he saved. my life and I am attracted to him right. and then when we got to the top of the. surface we got in the boat he took his. mask off and I was like get the [ __ ].

away from me don't even look at me. again giving like ogre just not. attractive not your Vibe not my vibe at. all and he was like really looking after. me and I had to be like it's over now. that we're on the surface of the water. that was one relationship was underwater. and now there's a different. relationship that's pretty good but you. were able to cut it off yeah I mean he. wasn't you didn't pity [ __ ] him no no no. no no no are you often pity [ __ ].

people that's a great question yeah I. have to say you know you do ask great. questions Alex and I don't say that like. wow but I mean obviously it's you've had. a very successful career that is going. to continue to be successful but when I. was listening to your last interview I. think Amy said that to you and I was. like yes you really are a good. interviewer these questions are good. questions these questions inspire me to. want to ask better questions on my own. podcast. but I'm too lazy to do that kind of but. I also have to just say I appreciate.

that the thing that got you to be like. damn like you're so good as me asking if. you pity [ __ ] people of you're like Alex. you are the next big thing but do okay. let's talk about pity [ __ ] because I've. pity [ __ ] yeah I'm sure I've pity. [ __ ] I mean I I wouldn't say I've done. that recently but I'm trying to think. back to a time where yeah where you have. a guy in your hotel room and you're like. oh God how am I going to get out of this. and then you're just like maybe it's. easier just to [ __ ] him. cuz it can be quick the [ __ ] yeah.

well hopefully in that case but but but. no if I'm grossed out I will I'm. bouncing what is the best one night. stand you've ever. had so many I mean I had so many fun one. night stands in my 20s and 30s oh it's. the best one that's really hard it's. okay I once had sex with this guy what. was his name I like to be able to call. people out with their first and last. names which is is going to be hard for. this cuz I don't even remember his first.

name but I once had sex I don't know if. this was the best yeah but it was sexy. oh um and it wasn't a one night stand I. went on for like a week but it was like. a one night thing I was in the L at the. London Olympics in 2012 I believe and I. was staying with my uh a couple of gay. friends of mine had a house and I was. walking home late one night or I was. being driven home and I was walking down. the street to their house and this. really sexy British guy just we just. locked eyes and it was like sex you know.

what I mean and I I was like it's. something you would see in a movie and I. and I was like I'm in London this was an. impromptu trip I'm like what if I just. had an affair with this guy and I walked. past him and I stopped and I turned. around and he had stopped and it was. late at night like this was dangerous. you know it could have been and it was. late at night and he said would you like. to come back to my place and. that was the first thing he said the eye.

look that we had was so intense at that. I was like yes and we went back to his. house I mean I we barely spoke I went. over there every night after the. Olympics for a week had a full-on affair. with this guy I don't even know if I. know his last name or his first clearly. or his first and we had this incredible. it was just like like just chemistry but. not a lot of like getting to know each. other it was just purely sexual ni and.

then I'd be like okay I'm going to the. Olympics tomorrow like and he's like are. you going to come back tomorrow night. I'm like yes definitely and then I'd get. home at like 10:00 I'd be like I'm. coming over and he'd be like great we. have a couple drinks and then we'd have. crazy sex and then I'd go back to the. friends who and the friends whose house. I was staying at I never even told them. what was going on I don't know why. because I don't I it was just felt so. steamy and like sexy and I wanted to. keep it to myself you know what I mean I. think that's how people feel with an. actual Fair sadly but you weren't. cheating on your husband you were just.

having a flame no but I would cheat on. my husband you know what I mean like I. definitely would that's why I'm not. married um can I ask you've talked about. how sex has gotten better as you've. gotten older what has gotten better sex. I mean this isn't kind of a boring thing. to say but you're just more into your. body and being pleased and asking for. what you want and you don't care about. your cellulite you don't care about the. way that you look or if they see you in. overhead lighting I don't care what I. look like on top of you or underneath.

you I'm hot I I I know it so like you're. be you're lucky to be [ __ ] me and. that's what makes it sexy every woman. needs to clip that from themselves when. they're about to go out on a date night. we'll make that a Tik Tok because it is. very inspiring when you just said that. like it seems simple but then I get it. when I think back to when I was having. sex in college I was like thinking of. everything but actually enjoying myself. so absolutely and I hate that I hate. that women feel that way and we talk. about it all the time I know you talk. about it on this all the time women.

don't ask for what they want they're. they're they don't even orgasm you don't. even orgasm half the time because you're. just worried about pleasing men or or. you're not being confident about asking. for what you want so I mean that's. totally true as you get older you're. just like this is what I want can you. provide it you know these are the rules. and this is what's going to happen here. is a little secret investing isn't. actually that complicated especially. with the investing app acorns now here's.

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acorns advisers LLC and SEC registered. investment advisor view important. disclosures at acorns.com call her daddy. let's talk about your love life okay are. you seeing anybody right now. oh tell me. everything spill the teeth I've been. down that road before with having a. public relationship my last relationship. no it's not that it's it's more out of. respect for their privacy you know what.

I mean like I don't want him to have to. be exposed to my world no we don't need. to know anything about him but tell me. about you like when did you meet him. like how are you feeling um I met him a. long time ago but we didn't we didn't. really become um like like lovers until. like about six or seven months ago how. does that happen because I feel like so. many people know people that they would. like to have sex with but then if you. didn't do it immediately it's like how. did you bridge the gap did you initiate. did he initiate I invited him to mayorca. on a trip with a group of friends.

everyone's getting invited but me yeah I. know almost now that we're talking about. it's almost like everyone has been. except for you um I invited him on I've. known him for years I've always been. attracted to him but he was not. available and I always have wanted like. someone like him in my life okay he's. hot he's awesome he's sweet and so. caring and completely sees me and. understands that I am not available a. lot yep you know what I mean my life is. pretty crazy and he appreciates that and.

he's around when I want him to be and um. he's great I mean listen I go through. periods where I have multiple. lovers and that's kind of like what I. wanted to do when I was a little girl I. wanted to grow up and be a woman that. did have multiple lovers I've never been. interested in marriage I'm not. interested in long-term commitments to. work to people to anything I am a free.

spirit and I want to remain a and soar. like an. eagle the mic didn't just hit I want I'm. in the sky I want to soar like an eagle. with my heart and legs wide open um no. I've I've had I I I love men listen I. love men you know what I mean and I want. to have adventures with lots of them and. and I try to make sure everybody knows. that's where I'm coming from when I'm in.

a relationship or any sort of you know. what I mean I'm very upfront I'm not a. liar you're direct I'm just like listen. this is the deal do you want in okay. let's pretend you're not dating someone. okay and I'm going to describe a man for. you and you're going to let me know if. you would date him okay yeah take a. little sip mix the alcohol with the. vikin in let's see if it gets weirder no. I hope my doctors are listening to this. the is it going to be a problem that. you're getting surgery tomorrow and. you're drinking no they told me not to. eat today that have to be on a liquid. diet but do you think they meant liquid. by like alcohol I don't think they meant.

that but they know what listen my. doctors understand who they're dealing. with after the time I'm correcting. them okay he's rich and successful but. only flies economy to save money and not. like first class like back of the plane. okay am I interested in him yeah I mean. I'm not interested in flying with him. but I'm interested in him yes I like. that I do too but I'm not flying economy. with him totally love that he's built. like Jason mimoa but he's scared of your.

dogs not not no no I don't like men that. are scared of. dogs I agree it's one of the bigger red. flags why what happened to you were you. attacked by a wolf like if you are. scared of dogs something is wrong with. you and I don't appreciate that at all. and your dogs are adorable unless you. were attacked by a dog yes and you're a. woman period he's been healed through. therapy but he refuses to go down on you.

no no I love when guys go down on me is. it like a hard thing for you if they're. horrible do you teach or you just get. rid of them going down on you yeah just. like ah you. know I mean I mean that going down on. you could work because like that's. pretty much they're going to hit the. target at some point but you can pretty. much I mean in in a position where a man. is going down on you you have most. likely you're hands on their head. directing them exactly where to go but.

if someone kisses me in a sloppy gross. way that is unrecoverable I agree a bad. kiss make out is it's kind of. unforgivable yeah you can't kind of come. back from that I agree okay he makes you. laugh harder than anyone but he hates. that you're funnier than him I don't. mind that you don't no little. competition I don't care if somebody. hates that I'm that's not my problem. that's their. problem okay he's your best a again. great line of questioning Alex these are.

great questions thank you it's really. sparking a debate um he's your best. friend but his best friend is his mom. he's my best friend I don't want him to. be my best friend first of all so that's. already a cancel I don't need I don't. need a guy my lover to be my best friend. that's. stupid I love how that wasn't like the. problem that wasn't even the question. but I'll just cut you off okay have you. ever [ __ ] a mama's boy no that's not. my thing really no I mean you have to. respect your mother but not a mom's boy.

I find that to be odd yeah like the same. way like a daddy's girl like come on. we're all adults here grow grow up. you've never been a daddy's girl I mean. maybe I was a dad no not really my dad. didn't wasn't that impressed with me and. I wasn't that impressed with him quite. frankly I thought you were just going to. say my dad wasn't that impressive I was. going to say my dad wasn't that. attractive I wasn't that I never wanted. to [ __ ]. I wasn't that attracted to my.

father we're not interested in [ __ ]. our dads over here that's a fabulous. answer thank you okay he's tall dark. he's tall dark and handsome but his. whole Instagram is selfies no no no oh I. mean I've definitely met guys on Rya. where that is the case and then I I've. I've definitely had sex with guys like. that I don't know about dating guys like. that I mean selfies not really yeah. imagine you walk into your bathroom and. he's like shirtless taking a picture no.

no no no you're right selfies no. actually when I think about it you being. on Rya at a point in your life have you. ever [ __ ] a. DJ uh DJ Diplo is that who you're. talking about not specifically Diplo but. if you [ __ ] because I didn't [ __ ] him no. I wanted to I wanted to I did a segment. with him once on my Netflix show and I. was like he's hot and then you know he's. not that hot to me anymore but um a DJ. no I've never [ __ ] a DJ not that I'm. aware. of that is very good to clarify I feel.

like I could see you [ __ ] a DJ me too I. could see that yeah like you're on LSD. you're bump in yeah but I don't yeah I'm. not really good at dancing either so. dancing and singing are the two things. that's what I really appreciate about. Wicked is that they could dance and sing. I'm always amazed by people who can do. that like Zoe zelana and Amelia Perez I. didn't know she could dance and sing I. was having this debate with some of the. other day though would you rather be. really good at singing or be funny I. would rather be funny yeah yeah not that.

that's you know they're not great I'm. just saying like I'm basically trying to. Hype you up in the process it's okay. that you're basically so [ __ ] awful. at these things you're funny so take it. or leave it yeah you can't have it. all and this one lasts kind of forever. anyways now that we're comparing um okay. you've been on your Healthy therapy. journey I feel like but before that what. was your most toxic trait in a. relationship like give me tangible I. know you're a [ __ ] eagle with your. legs spread but what were you really. toxic with I think certain people bring.

out toxicity you know what I mean like. certain Dynamics are toxic so like you. don't belong with certain people because. they bring out the worst in you you. bring out the worst in give me an. example I had an ex-boyfriend we dated. for uh a couple of years and we had a. very toxic very like like I would look. through his phone he cheated on me he. would be out all hours I'd be paranoid. about it I it was it was the the worst. version of me that I've ever experienced. I remember I was I was filming I was.

shooting Chelsea Lately at the time I. was working on that show and I I would. be so consumed about when he was going. to call and and how late he was out at. night cuz he lived in New York and I. lived in LA and and we had this great. chemistry so we had so much fun together. and it was and then but it was toxic and. there was gamesmanship and he didn't. want to be controlled and I was trying. to control him and you know none of that. works ever you can't ever try to control. troll anyone and if anyone's going to. cheat they're they're going to they're.

not going to not because you're calling. them are you talking about 50 cent no no. no he was beautiful he was a sweetheart. he was so sweet yeah I bring it up every. time I talk to you A lot of people bring. that up people seem to really like that. story I wonder why why do you think that. is I just think you're both such huge. personalities and picturing you together. I I'm trying to picture a conversation. between you two and I.

don't like I read his Instagram captions. for. example well yeah I hear what you're. saying he was a sweetheart like my all. my friends when I dated him just [ __ ]. loved it because he'd come over to our. house every night and he have he'd have. like a Lamborghini one day and then like. a yellow Ferrari the next day meanwhile. I realized he was borrowing all these. cars from different dealerships I was. like you can do that you know I'm like. oh and then I got a Bentley I got a. chocolate Bentley because he kept coming. over every night and he have a different.

car so as a joke I went and bought a. chocolate Bentley I didn't know you. could borrow cars and as a celebrity so. I went and bought a chocolate Bentley. and then we broke up so there I am stuck. with this chocolate Bentley like a. [ __ ] white dumb [ __ ] [ __ ] driving. around like I'm some rapper and I had. that Bentley which is a really nice car. by the way I had that Bentley for like. two years okay what's the most unhinged. thing you've ever done during a breakup. I bought an ex-boyfriend the the toxic. one actually okay he had a he has a. house in Upstate New York and like anate.

and I knew I had to break up with him at. some point but I wanted him to really. feel it you know and I bought with a. bang I bought he had this huge drive. that lead that that led up to his estate. and and it is an estate I use that word. because that's what it is it's a huge. Farm it's gorgeous it's on the Hudson. River and I bought him 35 Lindon trees. that I'm pretty sure I imported from. Germany at the time very extravagant how.

expensive is that who knows no and I had. like 17 put lined on either side of the. driveway so that they would grow and. form a canopy so that when you drove in. you D drive into his house under this. alley of trees and I knew that every. winter I mean that every spring and. every fall the leaves would change and. Bloom and and it would be beautiful. and that everyone who saw them would be. like where where did you get these.

trees and every winter I mean sorry. every fall and every spring I get a text. from him shut the [ __ ] up going I can't. believe I lost you look at your trees do. you want to come see them and I'm always. like not interested that was just a. message to you you're good that was a. good breakup present the fact that. that's a break and how did you tell him. you were giving this to to him well I. gave it to him as like a birthday. present but I knew I was leaving and.

then you said goodbye yeah and then the. trees got planted after I was gone you. know and so that was like that felt. great I mean the fact that that will. stick with him forever and you have. nothing to remind you of him that's. beautiful that was like your last big. toxic hit and then you're out yeah and. then and then I haven't had a toxic. relationship since then that was kind of. like I went out with a bang and. nature so gorgeous you know what would. be good for you to have your dogs during. your interviews so I've thought about.

that but I couldn't tell like cuz I. think it helps people I think anyone. who's coming on the show understands. that they're going to Dish right they. know what's up yeah you're going to tell. me the big thing soon right you're. you're getting up to the big I'm. pregnant I'm pregnant and um and I've. already gotten an abortion during this. interview all within this time um but. they know they're coming here so I don't. know that you need the dogs but I like. it I like the idea of people. softening and cuz dogs make people feel. happy let's talk about our dogs what is.

the most elaborate thing you've ever. done for your dogs well i' I've i' I. once flew one of my dogs privately alone. what to meet me in Whistler Canada. because I thought there was a quarantine. when I first started going there and I. didn't know I could bring my dog so I I. flew myself there first and then when I. found out you don't have to quarantine. your dogs I sent for chunk and he got on. a plane with two p pilots and a manifest. that said chunk Handler so that was one.

extravagant thing that is [ __ ]. imagine being those Pilots That's. exactly right the other thing I've done. is I'm in Maine it's covid and I'm I'm. trying to [ __ ] Andrew CUO at the time. because I had a hot hot thing for Andrew. Cuomo he was hot at the time yeah he was. hot and uh anyway I rented this house in. Maine um it was in a and I and then. Andrew CUO blew me off this is in the. book by the way and this is the book and. my standup special which is coming out. after the book.

but. he he uh I once he I realized it wasn't. happening with Andrew comoo we had a. long flirtation or a short one but I was. led to believe I'd be penetrated by him. at some point and when that didn't. happen I was with my brothers and. sisters and a bunch of friends at this. house that ID rented in Maine and I was. like God I didn't bring Burt and Bernice. I've just been rejected by a man it's. it's it's co I'm single a lot of people. during Co were who were single feared. that maybe they would never get.

penetrated again maybe that was it you. know what if I never am allowed to have. sex again so it was a it was a rejection. a dejection it was it was deep and I I. was like I came downstairs and I said to. my Sister Simone like I need Bert and. Bernie here I'm pissed that they're not. here I don't know what I was thinking. we're here for a month like I need some. comfort and I'm not flying my dogs. privately that's ridiculous like I did. that once and I was shamed for it and I. don't want to be that egregious so she. said let me figure it out and she came.

downstairs and said she had found a. service there was a couple that could. drive my dogs from California to Maine. and then they could be there in 48 hours. we it was a Monday at 700 p.m. on and I. was like 48 hours I was like is that is. that even possible but you know when. things go my way I don't ask a lot of. questions I'm like great so Wednesday at. like 7:30 this couple pulls up in this. like trailer hitch situation like a van. attached to something else I don't know. the vernacular for those types of things.

because you know um. and my dogs kind of scuttled out and my. dogs aren't very affectionate they were. both they're both dead now but they were. they're just both aloof they were. brother and sister combo platter and. they were Chow Chows and they're just. kind of like slow sluggish and just. seemingly off and I I said to the couple. that pulled I was so grateful you know. to see my dogs I was so anyone who has. an animal understands. and I went inside to make them a thank. you cocktail I went inside to my uh to.

the kitchen my brother Roy was cooking. he's the chef in our family and he was. cooking and he was like I I said he I. grabbed a bottle of beler grabbed some. cocktail glasses and he goes what are. you doing and I said I'm making the. couple that just delivered Bert and. Bernice a thank you cocktail and he said. don't make them more than one round. Chelsea like very sternly he's talking. to me and I'm like excuse me I go what's. your problem he goes look at me and he. lowered his glasses to the bottom of his.

nose like in a very serious like. avuncular way and he goes look at me. anybody who drove from. California to Maine in 48 hours is on. crystal. [Laughter]. meth dude did you go back out there and. like take a harder glance no I went back. out there with the cocktails and I was. like I'm not judgy you know whatever it. takes so I go I don't know anything. about Crystal Meth I mean I do a lot of. drugs but I'm not like you know I'm not. doing that Jewish we don't do that so I.

I hand them the cocktails and the guy's. like thanks a lot you know we can't be. we can't stay for long we have to be in. Florida by midnight that's that's also. not a 5H hour drive I'm like uh okay but. the next couple of days the dogs were. walking around like very aimlessly and. bumping into like what my dog like. stared at a paddle board for almost like. 20 minutes and I'm sitting outside on. the like front yard of this house that. we rented on this beach it was so. beautiful with my brother Roy and I go.

what's wrong with Burt and Bernice like. and he goes what what's wrong with them. CH Chelsea you just sent your dogs on a. highspeed meth an phetamine car chase. across the country because a governor. wouldn't [ __ ] you during a global. pandemic what the [ __ ] he's like they're. detox boxing they're coming down yeah. they're coming down off the drugs yeah.

they were coming down so that was and. then the next day like the bushes were. there the bushes were in Kenny bunkport. the next day Barbara Bush George W. bushes you know one of the twins Barbara. and Jenna she's like she texts me she's. like [ __ ] we call each other [ __ ]. she's like [ __ ] I I hear you're in. bitterford pool which is where we were. staying and I was like yeah she's like. we're coming by she comes by unot to me. brings the first lady with her there's. like three Secret Service people and. they're sitting on my porch we're all. talking I'm trying not to be seen with. that many Republicans you know what I. mean I'm like [ __ ] is there a drone.

around like I can't be seen with a. former first lady and then Bert Barbara. Bush loved my dog bird she loved him she. understood his body type the way I did. like just a bundle of meat you know and. he was and she was like why is Bert. acting I'm like he's sick he's sick cuz. I know you know like I'm not going to. bring up Crystal me to the [ __ ] first. lady and my brother Roy's out there and. I knew he was about to [ __ ] say. something I'm like you shut up do not. you know how Republican first ladies act. about drugs you know there's a war on. them and I don't want them to think me. in my loose lifestyle that I'm drugging.

my dogs so um it was pretty ridiculous. they recovered I think you think wait. and so now do you have new dogs I have a. new dog Doug Doug yeah he's black and. beautiful he's a full Chow oh yeah and a. rescue a full Chow Rescue what yeah yeah. are you lying no no no no I think our. dogs need to meet I would never lie. about anything I mean why why would I I. don't know I have nothing to hide you. you think I after everything that I've.

divulged today I'm going to lie about my. dog being a. rescue I mean honestly Alex Cooper just. God forbid you and like get more street. cred no no no you don't give sh I bought. a dog once I returned him though oh [ __ ]. he was a loser he was a loser that dog. why he's such a [ __ ] lunatic I don't. like I like lazy dogs I want but this. dog I have now Doug he's black I wanted. a dog of color and he is so beautiful. and friendly and a and a real dog like.

I've had such zombies for dogs for so. long because I don't really want to. exercise with them and do that stuff. yeah that I appreciate dogs that are a. little bit on the lazy side I've never. had a dog like Doug and he just brings. so much joy to everyone he meets he. looks like a bear caller daddy is. brought to you by peacock original the. traitors hold on to your Kilts daddy. gang the Emmy winning competition series. The trador returns to Peacock for. another season TV's best dressed host.

Alan [ __ ] welcomes a newcast of. celebrities to his remote Scottish. castle for more backstabbing money. grabbing and murder watch Tom sandal Bob. Harper darinda medley and more scheme. and strategize as they compete for up to. $250,000 who will survive and who will. die stream new episodes Thursdays only. on peacock do you ever bring your dogs. to dog parks I don't I try not to go to. dog parks I've had some of the worst.

interactions with human beings at dog. parks what happened I was looking for. Doug actually they were bringing Doug to. Showcase me this Chow Rescue that I got. my last dogs from they knew I was down. one dog and looking for you know a. refill so they brought these two dogs to. a dog park in Brentwood I went to the. wrong dog park and I open you know how. they have those metal gates and I walk. in and I'm like looking around to see if. the people with the dos are anywhere and. and some guy screams at me going shut.

the door now or shut the gate shut the. gate and you know it's like they have. two gates to get into the dog park one. and then and I and I looked at him like. I'm 5 feet away from the gate there's. there are no dogs anywhere except for. him and his two dogs which he has on. leashes and he's like 50 yards away. screaming and I'm like are you talk I'm. like sir sh the [ __ ] can you please. relax and he's charging towards me and. I'm like sir calm calm down he goes it.

just takes two seconds for one of these. dogs to get out of the street and get. hit on barington and then what and I'm. like sir something happened to you today. and it has nothing to do with me so. please stop talking to me and I go and. stop looking at me actually you're. freaking me out and I'm looking at my. phone trying to figure out if I'm at the. wrong dog park because there's two kind. of catty corner yeah yeah I don't say. catty corner but and I and so I'm. looking down and then he goes all of you. celebrities think you can just get away. with murder and then I looked up on.

behalf of celebrities everywhere I was. offended do you know what I mean and I. looked up I go I'm sorry sir that's. really uncalled for I said there are no. dogs here except for yours that are on. leashes I'm close to the gate no dog. could run past me and he goes you're a. [ __ ] Chelsea. Handler what the [ __ ] you're a [ __ ] and. I obviously started laughing because I. was like what the [ __ ] do you even say. to that like we're literally talking. about our dogs and you're just like.

taking it that aggressive it was and. then I realized he was gay on top of it. which was a double whoopsy doodle cuz. I'm like first of all I think I've. proven my allyship or [ __ ] since I. was before I was born and obviously no. straight man is screaming like that at a. at a dog park you know what I mean no. straight man is like get out of here. that is that's a pretty wild moment. though to have someone scream in your. face like that but I feel like you. handled that well well was another guy. that was walking up luckily cuz he heard. him he goes whoa whoa whoa like do you.

need any backup here and I'm like no no. I just have a crazy gay I'm dealing with. right now and and then the guy the G the. gay guy got in his Minivan and started. taking pictures of me and I started. smiling and waving I was like hi and. then I was like should we get one. together you know like he was going to. report me or something the dog parks are. not for the week like I went once and my. dogs got some type of rash oh oh so I. don't know I don't yeah I'm not into dog. parks listen I don't really I don't even. walk my dog okay like I let's be honest.

Chelsea I don't you cuddle with them. yeah okay what do you think of dogs with. food names when people name their dogs. like macaroni noodles chickpea that's. annoying I like my dog's name is Doug my. dog's name is Henry and Bruce exactly. exactly like treat them as such yes when. you're like oh when when they call them. a different animal like oh. skunk and you're like why why are you. calling you know what I mean do you know. what I'm saying yeah I guess I mean I.

find dog talking about like I find dog. jargon very irritating people who are. obsessed with their animals like I and. listen I I'm obsessed with my animal. like I am showing pictures of him I'm. totally guilty of it as well so it's. very hypocritical but I still don't like. it and I don't like like the like I have. a dog person in Whistler that takes my. dog on like three hour hikes every day. yeah and the way she talks about dogs I. just have to tune out you know what I. mean like the first time I met a dog.

trainer in Whistler this isn't who I. have now who I have now Abby who's very. cool but I had a woman who came and she. said okay what are you looking today the. first session will be a discovery. session and I'm like okay we let me. cancel this meeting like I'm not dealing. with you and then she sent me links to. YouTube videos to watch recall videos. about how I was G I'm like listen [ __ ]. I'm not training him you are so you. watch the video and then let me know. what to do cuz we're not doing it. together it is crazy some people that.

are I've had a a person come to my house. and say like we're going to discover. their personality and I'm like shut the. [ __ ] up take the 200 bucks and like. teach him to do paw she said and by the. way I don't even want that why why do. you want a Paw what for why was is that. cute I don't think that's cute no it's. good for training sit paw treat sit is. fine I just want them to not attack. anyone that's all I want is for my dogs. to behave and be friendly to little. children when they come and pet them. true and not attack anyone and I don't.

need them to run and do tricks and lie. down and spin it's all so dumb it's a. little circusy yeah um are you having. sex in the room with your dogs oh that's. a great question my dog comes on the bed. and he's so agile he's he's big and and. and furry and he looks like he weighs. like I mean he does weigh like 65 pounds. but when he jumps up on the bed you can. never hear him so I so all of a sudden. we'll be having sex and we'll look up. and Doug is just like this and I'm like.

oh my God Doug I can't have him see his. mother like giving a [ __ ] do you know. what I mean I don't want him to like IP. had that where you're like look you're. giv a little blowy and you see from the. side eye you're like like Bruce but the. look on their face is like they're like. what is happening they're like. inquisitive they're like huh yeah yeah. like am I a part of this or am I not a. part it's like you're you're definitely. not a part of this and I need you to. actually get the [ __ ] off the bed. because this is weird weird I've had. that also where I'm like getting eaten. out and I like look over and he's just.

staring like liking it a little too much. and I really or the worst is like I push. them off the bed immediately I'm not. going to kick them out of the room I. think people that are like they can't. even be in the room I'm like my dogs are. one dog is running to the corner the. other one is like getting a little. rambunctious and wanting to hump and. it's freaking me out we cut his balls. but the problem is he likes the smell of. sex so of you're Pikachu he likes the. smell of that he's in I think how do you. know that because after he's like.

smelling the sheets insane. oh we got a freak on our hands oh wow. yeah so that's what I'm dealing with I. well maybe you should go to the doctor. no it's good do you know that it's a. good smell that he's smelling maybe. something maybe you have an infection I. know I know that my vagina smells. [ __ ] perfect shut the [ __ ] up worry. about yourself and your [ __ ] cred arm. my [ __ ] come for my vagina and I will. cut you cuz that's what's going to Trend. my crooked arm my crooked.

arm people say I have a smelly vagina no. no no no but but I don't want to get too. defensive so people are like oh God you. I think you already did um your breast. oh my God my pill okay your book comes. out on your 50th birthday yeah I'm going. to be 50 how are you approaching your. new decade I'm just [ __ ] psyched yeah. psyched you're ready I'm happy I'm just. happy my life is so fun I'm happy that I. get to do what I love to do that I that. I like my family for the most part there. are a couple you know but I that I that.

I have this life that I've created what. happened with Jane Fonda uh Jane. Fonda the book in there's a story in the. book where Jane Fonda calls me over to. her house summons me quite frankly this. is like I don't know how I have no sense. of time so maybe 15 years ago summoned. me to her. house and no it was 10 years ago it was. 10 years ago cuz I was 40 and I'm about. to turn 50 so she summoned me to her.

house she sent me an email and said I uh. Chelsea I'd like to talk to you about. something and it was a Stern tone in the. email and I was like she's like are you. free for dinner and I'm like sure. absolutely it's Jane Fonda I'm always. free for you what when and she's like. tonight actually it's 7:30 I'll see you. at my house and I'm like uhoh like what. [ __ ] I was like what is this about and I. my best friend at the time I was like. what do you think she's like I don't. know that's so weird I'm like can you. come with me and she's like I'm not.

invited I'm like I know so I get to the. her house and I had been to her party a. I think it was her birthday party she. had a party of some sort and I had been. to her party like months and months. earlier and she goes you were terrible. at that party she goes I don't know what. drugs you were on you insulted multiple. people you were a dark cloud hanging. over the party the whole conversation is. in the book so I'm probably paraphrasing. but and I was mortified obviously and I.

she wasn't wrong I don't even you know I. barely remember that party I was on. drugs I'm sure who knows which ones and. I had and I had just started therapy I. had just began therapy thank God because. you know one of the first thing things. you learn in therapy is like if you are. defensive about anything then you're. wrong or lying you know what I mean like.

if you're right you don't have to defend. yourself yeah like my yeah yeah like. your vagina like you just did that with. your vagina and um and I was sitting. there across from her and I was like oh. my God oh my God oh my God I'm mortified. this is so humiliating and I was like. and I I just said I'm I'm I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I I don't know what was. wrong with me and you're right I I was. terrible that night I'm sure because I. don't really remember much of it it's. kind of hazy I mean I remembered the.

party but I didn't remember specifics. and and I and in the midst of that. humiliation and mortification Yeah the. more. overarching sentiment. was wow that's a sister yeah like that. Sisterhood she's I mean I met her once. and I interviewed her and I was like. happy I got my words out her like Aura. is so incredible and inspiring and as. women I feel like I'm like wow I'm happy.

that I've gotten to like meet someone. like that and now I'm happy that. obviously we're friends and I've gotten. to meet you love it do you have anything. left to say give me the book throw me. the [ __ ] book don't you have it in. your lap throw it I can't my. shoulder I want to. say happy. birthday to you Chelsea book is coming. out on her 50th birthday date February. 25th I knew that February 25th same as.

every year the book is coming out daddy. gang if you want to laugh if you want to. cry and if you want to fall more in love. with why is there nothing in the because. it's a fake book you. idiot I mean that's actually what if. that was the book what if you had held. it up and be like I loved this part and. then you opened it up to nothing. specifically this chapter where it said. what the [ __ ] no Daddy gang go read the. Chelsea I love you love you too. [Music].

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