Avoidant Attachment 101

Hi everyone. Welcome back to another. gorgeous, beautiful Sunday session of. Call Her Daddy. So last Sunday session, I decided to open up the conversation. around attachment styles and I basically. focused the entire conversation on. anxious attachment. Again, for anyone. who didn't watch that episode or needs a. quick refresher, at its core, an.

attachment style is your subconscious. blueprint for how you behave, communicate, and react in close. relationships. It's how your brain. reacts to intimacy and threat. And there. are four attachment styles. There's. secure attachment, anxious, avoidant, and fearful/disorganized. If you think you may have anxious. attachment, I talked about this the. other week and that episode is. definitely for you. So, if you missed. it, you should go watch that. But this.

episode may also be for you, okay? Because the reality is if you have. anxious attachment, you quite often are. most attracted to someone who has. avoidant attachment, you two just you. can't seem to stay away from each other, even though you probably should. Today. we are going to start off by discussing. avoidant attachment. We have gotten to. avoidant. We hit anxious and now we're.

about to cruise into a new lane. So. avoidant attachment. If you are. currently dating someone who acts like. expressing an emotion is. similar to a physical threat or if you. are the person who suddenly gets the ick. and runs away the second someone buys. you flowers. This is this is your wakeup. call. Okay, we are going to dissect.

exactly what avoidant attachment is. the. silent emotional toll it can take on you. and how it can completely. can ruin essentially your relationships. and significantly have a lasting impact. on your self-esteem. Buckle up, baby. So, let's start with. let's define this. Avoidant attachment. is a subconscious defense mechanism. where your brain equates intimacy.

with danger. Okay? If you have avoidant. attachment, your core belief is if I. rely on you, you will eventually let me. down. You will suffocate me or you will. control me. And therefore, I must rely. solely on myself to survive. So, in. dating, you you know, you're the ultimate escape artist, okay? You want love because you're obviously a.

human being. That's natural. But the. second that you start to actually get. it, your literal alarm system goes off. in your body. And psychologists call. this deactivating strategies. Okay? These are basically these subconscious. tricks that your brain plays to force. distance between you and the person you. are dating or the person that you are. getting close to. Now, if you are an avoidant, you.

probably. have a lot of moments where you see. people online being like, "Oh my god, I. like got the ick and I could like never. talk to them again." Right? And you're. like, "No, no, no, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie. You have no idea. We invented. the ick over here in avoidant land.". Okay? Because essentially, avoidance can. get the ick over literally nothing. Someone that you are dating takes you on. amazing weekend trip. Oh, it's.

beautiful. It's gorgeous. You are. feeling, oh my god, incredibly close to. them. And then suddenly you look over. and you're like, "Oh my god, the way. that they are chewing is so disgusting. I have to end it. I can never see this. person again. I have to break up with. them. I will never be able to get past. that. I can't unsee that." Like. obviously that's not a deal. Well, someone chewing so disgusting maybe. dealbreaker, but usually these things. are not actual deal breakers, but it is. your brain trying to protect you from.

getting close to people. Okay, another. example that comes to mind for an. avoidant is the ex fantasy. And this one. is like so psychologically fascinating. to me. So basically the ex fantasy is. like an avoidant person will stay. obsessed with an ex from 3 years ago who. was emotionally unavailable and they. convince themselves no one will ever. compare to that ex. And why the avoidant.

does this is because it's basically like. fantasizing about someone who is. unattainable. is completely safe because they can't. actually hurt you and you're not. actually going to have a relationship. with them. So it's like this perfect. middle ground. You'll never get hurt and. you'll never actually have to be with. them. And so another thing avoidance can. do frequently is they use the pullback. technique which is like basically you.

can have an amazing emotionally intimate. night where you both open up, right? And. then the very next day. you take 12 hours to text back and you. act incredibly cold and you basically. need to reset your boundaries because. that closeness it made you feel way too. exposed. It was way too much for you. >> [sighs]. >> So why does this happen? Like how does. someone become. an avoidant? How does someone have.

avoidant attachment? So at its core, an. avoidant attachment style is a survival. strategy that a child's brain develops. to protect themselves from emotional. pain. So to anyone that you think maybe. this is something that like applies to. you, basically when you're a baby or a. young child in distress, your biological. instinct is to seek comfort from your. primary caregiver, right? Whoever raised.

you. But if those caregivers repeatedly. rejected, ignored, or minimized your emotional. needs, then your brain as a baby or a. child has to make a quick calculation of. like, okay, if I'm reaching out for. help, and that only leads to rejection. or coldness, I'm going to stop reaching out and it's. probably safer to just rely entirely on.

myself. Maybe you're someone who had a. parent who would use emotional. minimization. And what I mean by that is. like they kind of like had that. mentality of like pull yourself up by. your bootstraps, right? in your. household. Maybe it's like physical. needs like food and shelter and safety. may have been met, but emotional needs. are treated as a weakness, an. inconvenience, or.

in some cases like you're punished. essentially, right? And so. that could look like you're six years. old and you fall off your bike, let's. say, and you scrape your knee and you. start crying hysterically. And instead. of your parents picking you up and. comforting you and making sure you're. okay, your parent sigh, roll their eyes, and says, "Stop crying. It's not that. bad. You're fine. Go inside and clean. yourself off." Also, it could be if you.

were a child and you were sad, let's. say, about a friendship at school. Maybe. your parents told you, "Stop being so. sensitive over it. It's not that big of. a deal." And so, understandably, the. lesson that you learn from that is, okay, my parents do not want to deal. with my big emotions. And if I show. sadness or fear, I'm basically met with. frustration or rejection. And so I must.

hide my pain to keep their approval. And. so that is kind of one childhood. environment that can then lead to having. avoidant attachment. Another one could. be the overburdened or the depressed. parent. So this dynamic basically can. cause a role reversal because sometimes. parents who are physically or. emotionally unable to care for their. children whether it's due to you know.

depression um addiction illness extreme. work stress whatever it be. as a child let's say you lived with a. single mother who was suffering from. severe clinical depression right you. quickly learned that if you cry I or you. ask for help, it visibly distresses your. mother or makes her withdraw further. So, in order to essentially protect your. parent and the dynamic as a child, you.

started to act like a mini adult. You're. making your own meals. you know, your. room, you're trying to have it be. spotless, and you're basically. hiding any negative feelings so that. they don't burden your parent or your. parents. You're constantly worried about. being a burden. And I want to make sure. I'm clarifying like this is taught to. you, okay? Um, and when this is taught. to you, it registers in your brain. Got.

it? No one is coming to save me. In. fact, I have to save them and depending. on others is a huge burden. And so, okay, I'm going to do everything myself. So, that may relate to a lot of you. watching. Um, this one that I researched. is a little less common, but it's a very. powerful trigger to avoidance, which is. basically it's kind of like on the. opposite RTOR scale. It's like the.

imshed or the smothering parent if you. had this. And it happens basically when. a parent uses their child to meet their. own emotional needs. Aka. they basically are completely ignoring. the child's boundaries. And so an. example of this would be you had an. anxious parent who treated you, their. child, like a therapist and they are. just constantly dumping their adult.

worries on to you as a child or their. hover parents and they're hovering to. the point where you as a child had zero. privacy or personal space. And so at a. young age, you felt physically and. emotionally so suffocated by your. parents intense emotional demands. And so understandably, this then taught. you intimacy.

means losing my freedom. And if I let. someone get too close to me, they will consume me and they will take. away my autonomy. And so I have to keep. people at a distance to survive. [sighs]. Those are a lot. So that's childhood. Now fast forward to you today listening, watching that child has now become an. adult who is incredibly good at being.

self-sufficient. But the shield. that once kept you safe in this cold. childhood home or this overbearing home, it's now this giant basically. brick wall that's preventing you from. experiencing true love and connection as. an adult, which is so sad. And I feel. for anyone listening to this if this is. really hitting home for you because.

what's so misunderstood and so sad is. like you're still protecting that hurt. six-year-old who learned that depending. on people is such a dangerous game and. you really shouldn't do it. And the emotional toll that this can. take on you is understandably massive. because now as I'm, you know, talking to. you as a present day adult on the. outside, and I think this is like one of. the biggest mind [ __ ] of it all, an.

avoidant person looks like they have it. completely figured out. You look so. strong. You look untouchable. You're. probably known as the heartbreaker, right? But then behind closed doors to be. avoidant. is. to kind of almost like live in this cage. of your own making. You're constantly. holding your breath. Your body is always.

under some degree of stress because you. are so hypervigilant about keeping. people at arms length. You have to. constantly monitor your boundaries. You. can't just like accept a hug or enjoy a. quiet Saturday morning because your. brain is just constantly scanning for. signs of. essentially this trap of closeness that. you experience from a really really. young age. Right? If we talk about the.

emotional toll that this takes, it's. this like really quiet, deep, suffocating loneliness. You feel like no. one truly knows you. because you don't let them. You watch. other people experience deep, messy, beautiful love. And a part of you, and. you'll never admit it, but like a part. of you feels a little left out. It's. like this the saddest movie scenes where. like you're the one during the Christmas.

movie like out in the cold and you're. like looking through the window at the. happy family or the happy couple and. you're like uh I wish I could have that. So I am picky about the people I let. into my life now, [music] right? Whether. it's a friendship or a relationship, a. business partner, I find I'm always. looking for the same things, right? Are. they reliable? Can I trust you? Are you. bringing good energy? Are you constantly. dragging other people down? Finding.

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with Airbnb. Having a great place to. come back to after a day out, it just. makes everything incredible. How does this actually impact your. romantic relationships, right? We just. talked about childhood, where it can. come from, but if you are an avoidant, what happens when you start to date. someone and you're getting close. When. conflict arises, a secure or an anxious partner, like I. talked about in the last episode, they. want to talk it out. They're like,

"Let's connect." Okay, we got to. connect. This person is basically. looking for any form of connection. But what does an avoidant do? You shut down. You. go stone cold quiet. You basically. stonewall your partner. And so to your partner, this feels like. you are punishing them. But to you, your. brain is like physically.

shortcircuiting, right? You literally. feel like you cannot breathe. So, you. just shut the door to keep from. drowning. And this is how you end up in. that anxious avoidant trap that I talked. about at the end of the anxious. attachment episode, which I can get into. a little bit later, more in depth, but. it's basically like the more they chase. you for answers, the more the avoidant runs. Like you. make your partner feel crazy and needy.

for just wanting basic communication. when in reality you are the one who at. that moment is emotionally paralyzed and. so you end up kind of like leaving a. trail of broken hearts behind you. wondering like why is no one ever the. right fit. Here is like the biggest plot. twist of it all and I think this is the. part that hits the hardest when you are. talking about this with avoidance. Most. people think that avoidant people have.

insanely high self-esteem. They think, "Oh my god, they are so confident. They. don't need anyone. They they can just. leave like that.". That's a complete lie. If you are. avoidant, most likely your self-esteem is entirely. dependent on your independence and. performance. understandably because of. your childhood and what you experienced. And so you secretly believe that if you.

show someone your true messy, vulnerable, imperfect self, they will. reject you. And so you then decide to reject them. first. And so I think that's what's like the. most painful when you bring this up and. talk about this because it's like if you. are an avoidant and you have avoidant. attachment, your independence, it's not a strength, it's a shield. And. whether you hide behind your career or.

your looks or you know your gym routine. or your busy schedule because if you. stay occupied, you never have to face. the terrifying truth. that you are scared to death that you. are fundamentally. unlovable. I told you these episodes get like. really deep, guys. If you're watching. this and your chest feels heavy because. this is like, okay, yep, this one's. hitting home. I just want you to know.

there are so many people who experience. this, you are not alone. Also, this. isn't your fault. But I promise you. there is hope and you do not have to. live this way forever shielding yourself. and your heart. I said this in the. anxious attachment episode and I'm going. to say it here. Obviously, the best. possible way to begin to heal is getting. into therapy. I have to just say that. every episode, you guys, because. investing in yourself and understanding. your wounds and your childhood and your.

triggers so that you can essentially. work to reclaim your narrative in your. life is never going to be a bad idea. We. cannot choose the family we're born. into, but we can change the way that we. interact and approach our own individual. lives, right? But like I said last. episode as well, if therapy isn't for. you or maybe, you know, you're just not. at a place right now where you're ready. for therapy, um whether maybe it's. financial or just emotionally, whatever. it be, I got you. Again, I am not a.

therapist, okay? But I'm going to give. you some tips on how you can start to. heal. So, everything I've researched and. experienced in life, um, I tried to pour. into this episode for you guys. So, step one for my avoidant attached. girlies, step one is. you basically need to recognize that the.

ick or whatever is like the, "Oh my god, get up and run is a false alarm. So step one is you basically need to be. able to identify the panic, that panic. feeling. The next time you suddenly. you're going to find a flaw in someone. that you liked yesterday, stop yourself. and realize that the ick is actually. just your nervous system panicking. because you are getting close to. someone. And so you got to just slow it.

down and you almost need to label it of. like, okay, okay, hold on. I am not. turned off from our night together that. in the moment I was really enjoying but. in the morning I woke up. No, no, no. I'm not turned off. I'm just scared. Avoidant brains use really sneaky tricks. to kind of like force distance when. intimacy gets too close. It's like. you're almost like preventing yourself. from feeling the good, right? Like this. thing is actually feeling really good. I. need to sabotage it. Immediately not. allowing yourself to just like, okay, I.

have the I got to go. And then next I. think is reminding yourself who you are. and soothing that suffocation response. Okay. When someone asks you for. emotional closeness, you are. understandably probably going to feel. physically trapped or very defensive. like this is very scary. This is where. your nervous system starts to be. triggered. Oh my god. Oh my god. Closeness. I need to run. Trying to not.

react immediately is key here. And. before you shut down or you walk away, slowing yourself down is so key. And. trying to help yourself. It's almost. like you're going to do that by. reinforcing your reality. And what I. mean by that is you need to tell. yourself who you are. Like literally. like touch where you're sitting and be. like, I am an adult. I have my own car. I have my own money. I have my own life. this person cannot consume me unless I.

let them. Right? And then once you are. like, okay, okay, okay, all right. I can. I I've paused. I'm aware that I'm. overreacting a little bit here. This is. just one of my triggers. then. And this is probably one of the. hardest. You have to stop the silent. treatment. To all my avoidance, I love. you so much. You have to stop. You gotta. stop ghosting and instead you have to.

ask for space verbally. All of you are like, "Nope, I'm jumping. out the window before I do that." I get. it. Understandably, your instinct during. conflict is to shut down, selfisolate. And I also want to be really clear, guys. If you are an avoidant, like you. have a right to space, but you need to communicate the need to. your partner, right? It's just a little.

shift. And I know it feels. uncomfortable, but it's like instead of. stonewalling or ghosting this person, you can just say, "Hey, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I. need some time to just process this. I'm. gonna take a walk, but why don't we talk. about it at 8 PM or why don't we talk. about it tomorrow? When you feel. overwhelmed and you want to pull away, my biggest advice is like you have to. try to not just vanish. And from what I.

understand from my therapist is. her biggest advice is you have to give a. return date because it holds you. accountable to actually return to the. connection and then you won't spiral. spiral spiral and be like oh my god I'm. not going back and d like you you hold. yourself accountable and it also then. stops your partner from chasing you in. this panic mode. This gives you the. space you need without being.

inconsiderate of your partner. And it. also gives your partner some peace of. mind. Like let's let's circle back at at. this day and this time, right? And I also think the biggest advice my. friend who is an avoidant and gave me. and I hope this can be helpful to all of. you is most avoidants run away because. they don't know how to say no early on. And so what can happen is they almost.

let people crowd them until they feel. like they are literally going to explode. and they can't take it anymore. And so I. think it's really really important to. learn basically how to say like hey I. really like you but I just need a quiet. night to myself to recharge tonight. If you are able to say that and then and. of course if you're dealing with an. anxious and they're like did I do. something wrong? You're like no no no no. this is such a me thing like I just need. a quiet night to recharge for myself.

This is something it's a need of mine. that I really I really need to make sure. that I'm doing for myself. If you are. able to be honest about that, it is. going to change the game for you because. basically setting a clear boundary. prevents you from needing to ruin the. relationship just to get some space. And. I think that's what happens a lot. These. avoidants are like, "Oh my god, I let. this build so much. I have to get away. from this person." It's like, no, no, no. You can just communicate your need.

and then you can go get your space. But. understandably guys, it is so hard, right? Because you like people are like, "Oh, it sound I know that sounds easy to. some people." It is not because an. avoidant like you spent decades of your. life building these walls and these. defense mechanisms to survive. This is a. survival mechanism for you. So obviously. this isn't going to just change. overnight where you're like, "Hey, I. need space. Oh, that was easy. Okay, I'm. never going to struggle with that. again." Like, no. But the point is is.

that every time that let's say you stay. in the room for five minutes longer. having that hard conversation or you. let's say you share a small feeling. instead of just completely shutting down. and isolating and not talking about it. What you're doing is you're actually. successfully healing and you're. reclaiming your life in a way that. allows you to get closer to the love and. the support that you deserve and you. actually want, right? You do want this.

It feels like it's not attainable, but. the more that you slowly take these. steps, you'll start to see, oh, oh, and. then they did give me my space, and then. I didn't lose my autonomy, and I didn't. lose my, oh, like this is working. And. then slowly you build almost that like. muscle. Call Her Daddy is brought to you. by Poly Market. I feel like this has. been the summer of sports. First, everyone was obviously freaking out. about the basketball finals and then we. obviously just had the cup and now.

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free upon a $10 deposit. Trading not. available in jurisdictions, restrictions, and eligibility. requirements apply. Trading is risky. 100% loss can occur. Now that I fully explained. an avoidant, where it comes from, how it. impacts your relationships, and then the. previous episode I explained all of that. about an anxious attachment person. I. want to dive into what is this anxious. avoidant dynamic in dating.

What does it look like? How does it. happen? So, here we go. These two. styles, avoidant and anxious, they date. Okay. And when they date, they enter a chronic cycle where one. partner's coping mechanism. directly activates the other partner's. worst nightmare. And so it's almost like. when you hear people I feel like a good.

example is just like you hear the saying. I feel like of often like oh my god like. you guys just trigger each other's like. worst you know qualities about. yourselves or you trigger each other's. worst d like this is at max capacity. So. this is what the cycle looks like. Ready? It basically starts off with the. trigger. Okay. The anxious partner. senses a light shift in energy or a. delay in communication like maybe they. got a short text from the avoidant,

right? And so immediately the anxious. person, the nervous system goes into. hyperdrive. Their whole body is screaming. They're. like, "Oh my god, this person is leaving. me. They're leaving me. They're leaving. me." Right? And the next step is the. pursuit. The pursuit begins. And so to soothe. this panic, the anxious partner. moves towards the avoidant partner. demanding reassurance, asking like, "Are. we okay?" They're double texting, "Hello, what's going on?".

And then the classic withdrawal happens. where this sudden. emotional intensity and demand for. closeness immediately triggers the. avoidant partner's alarm system which. screams, "Oh my god, what's happening? I'm being fully suffocated and they're. trying to control me." And so to protect. themselves, the avoidant withdraws,

shuts down, goes silent, or literally if. you're it's in a physical space, they. physically leave the room, right? And then. this leads to the escalation. Seeing the avoidant partner pull away. confirms the anxious partner's worst. fears, like, "Oh my god, it's happening. I'm getting rejected. I'm being. abandoned. Oh my god. Oh my god. And so. the anxious partner. chases even harder. They're yelling.

They're sending text paragraphs. They're. going off and and and they're just. freaking out understandably. Again, their nervous system is off the rails. right now. And so this energy from them. sends the avoidant partner to retreat. even further behind their walls. The. avoidant partner is like, "I'm gone. Peace." Like, "You will never see me. again. And so. a lot of times, not always, but. eventually the conflict, the conflict.

will temporarily resolve. And most of the time it is resolved when. the avoidant partner. throws a little crumb of attention to. the anxious one, which as we know from. the other episode that I did, that is. then going to send a flood of dopamine. to the anxious partner's brain of like, oh my god, oh my god. The anxious. partner.

takes this as a massive wave of relief. and just like, "Oh my god, electric. chemistry when in reality it's literally. just their nervous system recovering. from their state of trauma that they. were just in.". Do you guys see how this could be a. disaster? I think it's just interesting. and important to recognize that these. two people have complete opposing. wounds. like they couldn't be more. offbalance when it comes to how they. interact with their triggers. So.

to kind of put it like to compare it. right, the anxious partner's deepest. fear is abandonment and being unloved. The avoidant partner's biggest fear is. loss of autonomy and feeling engulfed. and entrapped. When the anxious partner is under. stress, they hyperactivate. They're. reaching out. They're being demanding. They're feeling clingy. Right?

When the avoidant partner is under. stress, they deactivate, aka, they completely. shut down. They isolate. They run. They. ghost. The anxious partner's core belief. is if I do not fight for this. connection, it will disappear. They will. leave me. While the avoidant partner believes. if I rely on someone else, they will.

eventually let me down. So, I will never. let them get close. So, you guys, we are literally dealing. with the complete opposite pages here. And so, understandably, they are so bound to just trigger each. other's wounds, right? And so, a lot of. you are probably like, this is this is a. recipe for just like emotional turmoil. and hurt. Why do these two keep finding. each other? Why are these two even.

attracted to each other? And I think. this is kind of just like the sad. fact of just like human psychology and. it's cruel, but it's like to the anxious. person, a stable, secure partner can. feel boring because they don't trigger. that familiar spike of adrenaline and. anxiety that this person has experienced. since childhood, right? And so it's it. feels at first really really. intoxicating and interesting and and.

then they go through this up and down. cycle where they pull back and then they. give and it's very replicating exactly. what they experienced in their childhood. from their caregivers. The avoidant is. interested in it because. their slight unavailability. activates the anxious attachment system. almost like so perfectly that the brain. misinterprets the anxiety and obsession. is like spark and love. I remember.

reading this if you are someone who is. anxiously attached and you are dating an. avoidant partner. I read this quote and. I was like, "Okay, this needs to be. said. It's very eye opening. It's a. little harsh, but here you go." It just. kind of paints the picture. An anxious. person. dating an avoidant is like I think they. said like it's like trying to quench. your thirst with salt water. The more. that you drink, the thirstier and more. depleted you get. So, how do we get off.

the hamster wheel? Well, it's hard. This. one's a really tough one. I would say if. you are currently locked in this anxious. avoidant loop, you are most likely. really physically exhausted and you're. emotionally drained and you're probably. feeling like you're slowly losing your. freaking mind. To fix it, both partners. have to agree to stop playing these. default roles. And if one person tries.

to fix it while the other keeps kind of. running the same playbook and the same. cycle, it the cycle will not break. It. literally like each person needs to work. on themselves and be 100% committed to. fixing this. And so the things that I. discussed in the episode for the anxious. person the other week and the things. that I just discussed for the avoidant. of like how to work through this, you. both have to be working individually on. those things to like recognize the.

trigger then like pause do like all of. that. And then on top of that, individually doing the work, you basically need to sit down together, preferably guys, during a calm, happy, not middle of a fight moment. And you. basically need to just agree to some. rules, I guess, almost to some degree. First, let me get my notes. First,

[clears throat] you have to acknowledge. the cycle. And I think it's so. important. You basically need to give. this pattern a name. So, when a fight. starts, one of you has to be able to. say, "Hey, we're doing the dance again. You're pulling away. I'm chasing you. Let's stop.". And weirdly, from what I understand, like objectifying the problem makes it. an us versus the cycle issue instead of. like a me versus you. Well, you're. pulling away. Well, you're smothering. me. And it's like, no, no, no. We're.

both leaning into our triggers. We're. doing this thing. And it's and it's make. putting us in that cycle. And so, you're. both against the problem together. instead of each other, which I think is. really helpful to know. The anxious. person cannot lean into their protest. behaviors, right? That's the overexting, the paragraphs, the smothering, the. spiraling. So they can't be doing that. and and kind of protesting when the. avoidant is pulling back a little bit. And the avoidant you cannot.

cannot under any circumstances lean into. the silent treatment. You can't do it. anymore. Like both of those are really. immature forms of communication and they. feel like manipulation. So for the. avoidant, if you need space, you have to. state it. And for the anxious, if you. need closeness, you have to ask for it. directly instead of making up the, "Oh, you must be busy. I guess you don't have. time for me." And it's like, "Just say. what you want to say." You have to get.

better at that. Something that's. interesting is like you do have to. recognize the. aftermath dynamic. So understanding that. after a big emotional breakthrough, the. avoidant partner will naturally feel. vulnerable and want to pull back. slightly the next day. The anxious. partner may, you know, that's not what. you want. But you have to expect this. and you cannot panic. You have to allow. them that brief healthy eb and flow.

Like this is just how to some you're not. going to completely change your. personalities and who you are. like you. can find that healthy balance, but. you're not going to 100% change the fact. that an avoidant is going to need a lot. of space in moments and they can. communicate that to you, but you have to. be okay with being with an avoidant. partner to some degree. They're not. going to naturally have the same. reaction after a fight or an issue to. just come together and be like, "Let's. solve it. Oh my god, how are we doing?". So, you have to be confident and secure. enough in yourself and your triggers to. know that you can handle that or you're.

literally just going to hurt yourself. Because I think the hard truth is if you. try to communicate your needs calmly and. set these boundaries and your partner. does respond by constantly calling you. crazy and gaslighting you and is. basically just completely refusing to. meet you halfway, you have to walk away, right? You cannot love someone into. treating you with respect. You can't. heal your attachment style while staying.

with someone who actively is triggering. your trauma with no remorse. And so I think that's something that's. really hard again because we see it on. reality television, we see it sometimes. in movies and it's like not as overt. maybe, but like when you are in a cycle. that triggers your triggers. to someone who maybe is a secure. attachment would be like why don't they. just leave? they're like hurting. themselves. I I think it's so important.

to recognize because it's actually. comfortable. Like if you have been. operating this way since you were a. child, this is so familiar. Familiar. doesn't mean it's good, but familiar to. your nervous system is like, "Here we go. again. Oh, here we go again. We're back. One, two, trigger, trigger, mental. breakdown." physically like you go. through the whole thing and and and it's. so uncomfortable but it's so familiar. and you know the steps of what to expect. and so when it's not happening like I've.

talked about like you can feel a little. bored you can feel like what's going on. and so I think we have to give ourselves. some grace that in these dating dynamics. when you are attracted to the person who. is causing you triggers you have you're. most of the time going to have to be the. one that calls it quits because. even if that person leaves you cuz they. can't take it anymore. You're going to. just keep finding the same thing over. and over and over until you start to. advocate for yourself cuz no one else is. going to do that for you. Call Her Daddy. is brought to you by Shopify. Okay,

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shopify.comdaddy. That's shopify.com/daddy. So, I hope that provided a little bit. more clarity on that like anxious. avoidant dating dynamic. Lastly, what I. will say about avoidance, and to any of. my avoidants who are watching this, I think. what's really important to recognize as. someone with avoidant attachment is you.

don't want to forever be stuck being. labeled in a way that really doesn't. represent who you are. Right? In the. romantic setting, you can be seen as cold. when you really. just do want to be loved and you just. need a little bit of space. And this. misunderstanding, I think, could really. trickle into friendship circles. So, it's interesting because avoidance are. often praised for being easy or. lowmaintenance friends. Like, you don't.

cause drama. You don't really demand. daily phone calls. And you're like. actually totally fine if you don't hear. from someone for three months. And. they're like, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I haven't kept in touch." You're like, "It's all good. But underneath that chill. exterior, avoidance. manifests in very. specific isolating ways. Like. you can become.

almost someone who is just more of a. surface level friend. You might have 50. acquaintances, but only one or two. people who actually know anything about. the real you. And I'm not saying like a. close circle isn't good, but it's like. even those two people, do they really. know you? Because you always kind of. keep the conversations at a distance and. you keep them pretty light. And so. people never really get to know your. inner world and your inner feelings and.

they can't ever show up for you and be. there for you. And so then when you are genuinely going. through a really hard time, whether you. know it's a breakup or a family. emergency or mental health struggles, whatever it be, your instinct is to. completely. ghost everyone and you just withdraw and. you hide until you have fixed the. problem yourself because you believe. that showing up.

sad or. struggling, it's just going to be a. burden. to your friends, it's just going. to be annoying, right? And that. can lead to extreme hyperindependence, which I could also do a whole episode on. that. Let's let's write that one down. because. I feel like in our culture. obviously independence is so highly.

celebrated and we're told that you know. being a self-made person who doesn't. need anyone. It's the ultimate flex, right? But in reality, there is a. massive, highly toxic difference between. healthy autonomy and hyperindependence. Hyperindependence is another form of not. self-care. It's it's. painful and it's isolating and it's it. feels in moments like a badge of honor,

but it's actually not. So, let's add. that to the list of episodes we need to. accomplish. But overall, I hope this could be helpful. I know. it's a lot, but there is so much power. in owning your circumstances so you can. make the changes you want to live the. life that you want. The next attachment. style we have to tackle, Daddy Gang, is. fearful slash disorganized attachment.

If that is something you know you have. or if so far both of these you're like I. don't know if that relate then this may. be you or maybe you're secure babe love. that for you slay um but fearful and. disorganized. it's painful and it is a lot and I am. excited to talk about it so we can start. figuring out how to alleviate some of. the pain that maybe some of you have. been in and you're probably like I don't.

know why and I've got you. So, Daddy. Gang, I hope you're liking this little. attachment style. series that we're doing here. I hope. it's been informative and I'm excited. for the next one. So, you know the. drill. I will see you [ __ ] next. Wednesday. Goodbye. [music]. [music].