Anxious Attachment 101

Daddy gang, welcome back to another. Sunday session. I want to just get right. into it today. I want to talk about. attachment styles. Um, I posted on my. social media about this and there were. so many people that were like, "Wait, what are attachment styles?" And. I was going to go more in depth on one. thing and then I was like, "Oh wait, if. people don't even know what this is or. don't know fully about it." I was like, "This is a great jumping off point.". First of all, attachment theory is not.

just some like BS trendy Tik Tok lingo. that we are all seeing today. It is the. literal blueprint of your brain. It. dictates essentially everything you do. It's almost like. It's basically like this like invisible. puppet master behind you of like the why. you make decisions and. quite frankly, like why some of you are. living in a self-inflicted cycle of. absolute chaos or unrecognized patterns.

And like, it is not your fault because. it is almost like ingrained in you and. innate. And so today, I want to I want to dive deep into it. all, okay? Because this will literally. relate to every single person watching. So to kick us off, I want to ask a. couple questions and I just want you to. be brutally honest with yourself, okay? Sit back, relax. Don't close your eyes if you're driving, but close your eyes if you're just. sitting, okay?

For some of my ladies listening, why is it that the moment someone. actually treats you right. and, you know, they show up on time, they tell you they like you, they aren't. hiding three secret families in. different area codes, you suddenly are. like, "Yeah, I'm bored.". "Mhm, bored." Like, why does a healthy. relationship feel like a chore, but a toxic text at 2:00 a.m.

It feels like a spark. Feels like. chemistry, right? If you relate to that, we are going to. get to you. Don't worry. To other. girlies listening, why do you get. physically sick to your stomach if. someone doesn't reply to a meme you just. sent within 45 minutes, and then you. immediately are convincing yourself, "Oh. my god, they literally hate me." If that. is you, do not worry. I will get to you. And then for. my independent woman out there,

why does the thought of actually telling. someone you missed them make you feel. like you basically want to jump out of a. moving vehicle? You're like, "Into oncoming traffic. actually sounds way better than doing. this." Like, why is your first instinct. the second someone gets close, you're. like, "Pack my bags, find a flaw.". Well, I've also got you, too. All of. these are kind of alluding to different.

attachment styles, and I think the hard. truth about attachment styles is. how you attached to your caregivers when. you were a literal. toddler, a baby, an infant, is currently. running your adult life. And it decides who you sleep with, how. you argue, how you behave at work, and. it basically completely influences how. you trust the world. And so, if you don't understand your.

attachment style, it's basically like. you're driving a car with your eyes. closed, wondering why you just keep. slamming into brick walls and getting in. accidents. And then you're like, "I. don't know what. I guess it's the wall's. fault for being there. What else could. it be?" And it's like, "No, no, no. It's. just cuz you you understand what is. actually driving you. So, today I want to help everyone, including. myself, open our eyes so we don't just.

keep ramming into walls and be like, "Why did that happen?" And I'm basically. going to try to show you exactly how. this. wiring is impacting your sex life, your. friendships, and. your self-esteem, and your future. So, grab a drink, get comfortable, and let's. get into it. Call Her Daddy is brought. to you by Häagen-Dazs. Daddy gang, I. think we all deserve a little more me. time, whether it's work, school, or.

whatever is bringing you down. It's so. important to take a second to slow down. and treat yourself. And lately, my. favorite way to do this is with some. rich, smooth, creamy ice cream, and none. better than Häagen-Dazs. You guys, you have to try their cherry dark. chocolate bar. Let me just tell you. something, okay? Picture rich cherry ice. cream with some tart cherry ribbons all. covered in a thick layer of dark. chocolate. Yes, it's the kind of thing. you don't want to just eat, but you like.

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long work day. So, take your sweet time. That's Dazs, available at retailers. nationwide. At its core, an attachment style is your subconscious. blueprint for how you behave, how you. communicate, and how you react in close. relationships. It's basically like how. your brain reacts to intimacy and. threat. And it's developed when you are. a baby, right? I kind of just said that. But, the annoying part.

is it then shows up when you're like 24, 25, 26, 30, 32, 33, like and you're. like, "Oh my god, why is this impacting. me?" You're like crying over an. unanswered FaceTime and you're like, "Why am I so emotional about this?" It. goes all the way back to childhood, honey. I know. So [ __ ] annoying. And. so, everyone is believed to fit one or some. people more attachment styles, but if. you are watching today, you have an. attachment style and you fall into.

basically one of these four categories. So, we have secure attachment, we have. anxious attachment, we have avoidant. attachment, and then. fearful/disorganized. attachment. Today, I. kind of want to just focus on anxious. attachment and then I will do. episodes the next few weeks dedicated to. each of the other attachment styles. because I was going to try to cram it.

into one and then I was like, "I feel. like. literally each one needs ample time to. be discussed and dissected because there. is so much to each of these. And so, here we go. Anxious attachment, okay? So, let's. first start off with like, you may be. like, "Am I an anxious attached person? I don't know, Alex." So, I'm going to. kind of just walk you through. If you have ever been called crazy, needy, too much, or you know, dramatic.

by someone who couldn't even manage to. text you back, this episode is going to. hopefully be your holy grail. And I'm. going to try to. explain exactly what is happening in. your brain, why you keep choosing people. who make you feel like you're. essentially starving. And more. importantly, at the end, we're going to. try to talk about how do we change this? How do we stop this? So, we're going to. start with a little self-diagnosis.

Very fun today. Very light stuff. Everyone's like, this does not feel. light. I know, but I promise it's going. to be helpful. I am going to paint a. picture and you basically just decide if. this sounds familiar, right? So, you're dating someone. It's going well. You had a great date on. Tuesday, but now it's, let's say, Thursday afternoon and you send a text. It's casual. Maybe you're sending a. funny meme or a quick question.

And then 1 hour passes. Nothing. 2 hours, still nothing. Now, a. normal secure person's brain goes, "Oh, maybe they're just busy at work. Let me. finish my emails, right?". But your brain, your brain goes into. full-blown Defcon 1 alert. You're like, "Okay, I got to open the chat. I have to. reread every single text we've ever. exchanged." You go to Instagram. You see. if their follower account went up a. little bit, right? You're checking their. location. Even if you don't have their.

location, you find a way to find their. location, okay? And your heart is quite. literally beating through your chest. You're sitting at your desk. You're. physically unable to focus on your. actual job because you are convinced. that they have suddenly realized you are. a hideous, unlovable bridge of a troll. and they are never, ever going to speak. to you again, obviously, right? Right? And then 3 hours later they text back.

And instantly. >> [sighs and gasps]. >> your nervous system, it just floods with. relief. You literally feel high. It. feels like a high, right? You feel safe. again, and you're like, "Oh my god, I think I'm in love with him.". And I think it's really important to. acknowledge that Daddy gang, that is not love. That is an anxious. attachment trigger response, okay?

So, let's rewind. Why are we like this? Why. can't we just be chill, enjoy our. relationships? Um, I'm obviously not a therapist, but I. read the books, and I talked to my. therapist, and I did a lot of research. on this so that you don't have to, okay? It all goes back to your childhood. If you have anxious attachment, when you. were a baby, your primary caregivers,

usually that would be your mom or your. dad or both, right? They were likely. inconsistent. So, some days they were. incredibly, you know, warm and present. and loving, and then other days they. were stressed, cold, felt emotionally. unavailable. And because you never knew which version. of your parents you were going to get, your tiny baby brain essentially learned.

this. survival mechanism, which is. hypervigilance, okay? You realized that. if you, you know, whimpered softly, nobody came to your rescue. But if you. screamed, and you cried, and you clung. to their leg, they would finally pay. attention. See where I'm going here, okay? Flash. forward 20 years, you're in a bar in West Village, and you. meet a man who behaves exactly like your.

inconsistent parents. One day he's obsessed with you, the next. day he's cold. And so your adult brain. goes, "Oh my god, this feels. this feels familiar. This is what love. feels like. This is what was modeled to. me as a kid.". And you are subconsciously then choosing. partners who recreate the exact. environment where you had to fight for.

attention because your brain literally. thinks, understandably, that that is the. only way to get it. That's the first. thing you were taught as a child. So let's talk about behaviors, okay? Because. when our anxious attachment gets. triggered, we do some. truly wild things to try and regain. control. And psychologists call these. protest behaviors, okay? And I'm going to throw out some. hopefully relatable examples of how this.

can show up in real life because I'm. using big words and it's like, "Okay, Alex, how does this actually apply to. me?" A good example would be. when someone is triggering you and. you're an anxious attachment, you give. the cold shoulder. You ignore this person's text for 4. hours to punish them. But what you actually want. is you want them to panic and ask, "Is. everything okay?". Okay? Another example is threatening to. leave. What you do is you text something.

like, you know, "Maybe we should talk. Maybe we should stop talking.". But what you actually want is you want. them to fight for you and say, "No, please stay.". I feel like another common behavior that. came up when I was researching this is. like keeping score, right? So what you. do is you wait exactly 43 minutes to. reply because they took 43 minutes to. reply. But what you actually want is you want.

to feel like you have some power too in. this relationship. And so a really common behavior is. the over-explaining when you are this. anxious person, right? Even if you were. being cold for a second, finally when. it's time to talk, it's like what you do. is you send a 14-paragraph text. dissecting your feelings at 2:00 a.m. But then what you actually really just. want is you want them to finally.

understand and you just want them to. reassure you. Now, if this is at all hitting home and this. feels relatable and applicable to your. life, this is a pattern that you know very. well and you're very familiar with. You're watching this being like, "Yep. Uh-huh. Let's go. Ooh, did that the. other day, Alex. Did that literally 5. minutes ago, Alex." And I think what's. hard to hear, but it's the truth, is. these kind of protest behaviors that.

you're doing, they always backfire. Always. You do them because you desperately want. the closeness and the reassurance from. your partner, but to the other person, it literally just looks like you're. playing mind games, you're being. dramatic, or you're just starting fights. literally out of nowhere. And so inevitably, it then pushes your partner further. away, which then triggers your anxiety. even more, and then the cycle just.

continues. You unknowingly and. unintentionally are actually hurting. yourself more. >> [sighs and gasps]. >> Now, if you're listening to this and. you're crying in your car right now, babe, I see you, okay? And I just want. to. First, I just want to express empathy. because. it is exhausting. to live this way. It feels like you are. just constantly on an emotional roller. coaster that you didn't ask to get on.

and you're like, why is this happening. to my life? And I feel like we see people online. just joking, using the words like, this. person's clingier, I'm clingier, I'm. needy, or like they joke about like. being an FBI agent, you know, because. they're like looking up their partner's. location. But the actual. internal reality of living with anxious. attachment is. it's incredibly painful and it's lonely. and it's physically exhausting.

And so, there are some people who will. never understand what that actually. feels like to live with this on the. day-to-day. And so, if you are someone who's listening who. maybe cannot relate to this at all, but. maybe. your partner has anxious attachment, right? Or you've known someone that has. anxious attachment, even if it's a. friend or a family member, or you look. back at an ex that had anxious. attachment, I think to understand what these people. are going through is to understand the.

emotional toll of what happens inside. this person's body and mind during one. of these like single, very common. anxious attachment triggers, okay? What. someone with this attachment style is. dealing with is a basically, it's like a. constant war between. their logical side of their brain. and then their nervous system. They're. constantly at war. It's like a dual.

brain conflict. There's just a complete. internal split going on. When you have anxious attachment style, basically, first of all, I want to make. every like, you're not stupid, you're. not overly emotional, you're no. Your. rational brain is you are intelligent, okay? But when a trigger happens because of. all that's happened in your childhood, like. example, a partner suddenly, you know, they sound cold on the phone or they. sound cold over text, your logical brain.

says to you, "Oh, he's just tired. He. had a 12-hour shift today. It's fine. Like it's totally fine." But then your. survival brain, which is so much louder, is saying, "He's pulling away.". He's pulling away because he did not. realize that you're boring and you need. to fix this right now or you will be. abandoned. And so. that pain, this then means that you are. forced to basically sit there. fully aware a lot of the times that you. are overreacting while your body.

physically reacts as if you are standing. in front of a threat. Like you can logically be like, "I know. this is crazy," but your body is. operating at a level that you kind of. can't control or it feels that way, right? And so. the physical and the emotional toll is. so [ __ ] heavy. And you can go through. so much in just a few hours. First, it's the physical toll, right?

The fight or flight response. The moment a partner pulls away, your. brain, it's like, guys, this is this is. science that I researched, your brain. basically releases a flood of cortisol. and adrenaline. The minute this happens, right? And then your chest tightens, your stomach drops, that like literal. sick to your stomach feeling, it. happens. Your heart rate spikes. And you can't distract yourself because. your body is flooded with so much stress. and so many stress hormones.

designed to just keep you awake and. alert because that's what it feels. literally like danger. Which again, like even just hearing. this, if you're not someone that has. anxious attachment, like we I you. immediately have empathy, right? You're. like, "Oh my god, I didn't realize this. is what they go through.". And so for this person, they then suddenly essentially. experience. a loss of. mental autonomy. They lose control, right?

For those 3 hours of silence that he. hasn't texted you back, your brain is. basically hijacked. And you can't read a. book, you can't maybe you're at work, you can't focus on that presentation. You can't enjoy dinner with your friends. or your family. Cuz your mind is entirely preoccupied by. one task, which is solving the mystery. of why they are pulling away. And so you reread past text messages.

looking for clues or, you know, like. when Wait, when when did the vibe. change? And it feels like your peace of mind is. entirely in someone else's hands. And. then, to add on to that, you eventually will leave that state, and then you will enter what feels like. a shame hangover. Okay? When they finally text you back with a. lot of times something normal,

the panic goes away. It evaporates. But then it's immediately. replaced by this wave of just like. intense. shame. And in it in it feels like. self-loathing, right? You can't help but think like, "Oh my. god, this is so embarrassing. Like why. did I get myself that worked up? I was. that stressed and worked up. I'm so. pathetic for caring this much and. overreacting. Like I'm a grown adult,

why can't I just be normal and react. normally? All my friends were like, 'It's fine, babe. Like don't freak out.'. And I couldn't I couldn't control. myself. And so. imagine running this cycle three, four, five times a week. over months and years even, right? That emotional toll is just going to. it's going to create sheer exhaustion. And it it's so depleting. It can impact.

your self-esteem cuz you're constantly. feeling like you're just you're. basically a hostage to other people's. moods and it makes you feel deeply. unsafe. In one space that you are supposed to. feel the most secure, which is your most. intimate relationships, right? And so. I know this is probably. triggering to some people right now. understandably and it may be scary for.

some people. If you are a partner. this may be. providing clarity to your situation with. your loved one, right? You can't say. that you experience it personally, but. you are experiencing it because your. partner experiences it and therefore. this kind of also consumes your life. But the positive that you can find in. this and take from this I never leave. you hanging, guys. Is. you can heal this. You can.

You do not have to live your life like. this forever. I promise you you don't. And I do hope that that. makes all of you watching feel a little. bit better cuz I know we just went. through the trenches and it's like, "Okay, I need to go cry." Obviously, my. biggest advice always is therapy. It's. always going to be my number one. recommendation always and forever. Therapy has literally changed my life. and it will never be a bad idea to.

invest in yourself. Understanding yourself, helping. yourself, like. how is that anything but good, right? But, if you are someone who for whatever. reason therapy just it's not happening. right now, I am going to do my best. I'm not a therapist, obviously, but I. want to share some of this knowledge. that I have to maybe help some of you in. like. what's the game plan, okay? Your game.

plan to. start trying to move from anxious to. secure. >> Call Her Daddy is brought to you by. Hello Oral Care products. Waking up in. the morning for me, you know what? It's. rough, okay? The alarm goes off, my. first instinct is to immediately. immediately snooze. So, to mix up my. morning routine, I have started using. Hello's whipped toothpaste, and it's. actually completely changed the start of.

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online or at a store near you. Okay, that was the heavy heavy. Now. let's lift it up. Now let's fix our. problem. So, first and foremost, you. have to start to try to recognize that. anxious spark that sets all of this into. motion. It is a prerequisite. You won't be able to solve this unless. you can start to identify these. triggers. It is a must. So, you basically have to accept that. when you feel that overwhelming,

obsessive, almost in moments like. butterfly-inducing. spark with someone who is emotionally. unavailable, you have to try to recognize that it is. actually your nervous system screaming. in panic. Okay? I know this shouldn't be. controversial, but somehow it is. Guys, real love it feels calm, it feels safe, and honestly, it could feel a little boring compared.

to what you have been used to in your. past. So, to break this cycle, you got to. recognize at the very jump when it's. beginning. You can't fix what you don't notice. And so that may literally require you to. start. tracking your triggers. Like, you need. to be able to write down exactly what. sets you off. Everyone's going to be different, right? So, maybe for you it's when. it's when your partner takes 4 hours to.

reply, or maybe your partner used to. randomly always have like a flat tone. with you in moments. You need to. note what is the physical sensation in. your body. Does your chest tighten? Does. your throat close up? Like, being able. to be like, "Oh, this feeling kind of. arises when this has always happened to. me in relationships. Naming that. trigger, it basically strips away.

it just being in your subconscious. And. you actually now can have power over it. Before when you're like, "I don't know. why this happened." and you keep going. over and over and over and doing the. same thing, understandably it's like, "How would you know how to fix something. if you don't know what is actually. causing it?" So, literally start writing. down. what did do it in the past. And then be. cognizant obviously if there's something. directly in the moment that's happening, write it down. The next step though. is when you feel a trigger coming on,

this is. seems simple, but it's I understand it's. actually way harder said than done. You. basically need to force yourself to. self-soothe. before you react. This is something we. didn't get to clearly do when you were. children if you have this anxious. attachment style, right? So, you need to. teach yourself how to do this. When your. partner does not text you back and the. spiral begins, the cycle is about to. start, do not text them,

put your phone in the other room, okay? Go do something physical. Maybe. go on a run, take a hot shower, clean. your room, okay? You basically need to try to prove to. your nervous system that you can survive. 30 minutes without this person's. validation or communication. Because again, when you're triggered, your. it's like your brain's panic button just. takes over, right? Like I said earlier,

it's like. it starts to block that logical side of. your brain. So, there's no point to try. to think or talk your way out of a. spiral, right? Your first job actually. is purely physical. A trigger starts. happening, you need to physically lean. into your body. So, again, everyone's. going to be different, but you. ultimately have to do something physical. that signals to your brain, cuz you're. trying to connect your brain and your. body, that you are safe. I'm safe.

This is an overreaction. This is a. trigger, right? So, it could be deep. breathing. And I know that's like, okay, deep. breathing. I'm not kidding you guys. Deep breathing literally will help you. Again, [snorts] if that doesn't work for. you, you guys can look things up that work. and try different things, but like. splashing ice-cold water on your face. I. know literally my friend does this. A. cold shower. Maybe cold over hot. I. don't know. Everyone's going to be. different. Something's going to work for. you, but you have to physically get in. tune with your body.

And then once you have done that, this is the I I think one of the most. important steps is you need to basically. separate. fact. from the story you are telling yourself. Okay? Once you finally are like, okay, my. heart rate is dropping a little bit. I. took that shower. You're going to sit down and you have to. look at the situation. From all the research, okay? Anxious brains are. brilliant storytellers, okay? They are.

top at Hollywood, okay, baby? You could. write the craziest story of all time, okay? So, what you need to do is reel it. in and you need to say it or write it. down, right? So, focus on fact. What is. the fact? They have not texted me back. in 3 hours. Then write down, but the story I'm. telling myself is they're losing. interest. They regret dating me. I'm. going to end up alone. They literally.

hate me. And so force yourself to write down the. bare objective facts and next to it. write the story. Then write down three alternative. realistic explanations. Write down, "Okay, so that's the story I was telling. myself, but also another story I could. tell myself is they're in a meeting. Their phone is dead. They're focused on. a task at work, right?". And I know to some people this sounds. like I'm not going to sit down and like. write in a [ __ ] journal.

This doesn't have to last forever, guys. I think what it it To actually get. yourself out of these moments, you do. though need to be so intentional about. how you're breaking this cycle. And so, sometimes it is going to literally take. a pen and a paper, right? Because then, once you do this. and you can start to eliminate those. protest behaviors I talked about. earlier, right? Now you're not sending a. a crazy text in your mind and you're not.

spiraling and you're not doing all these. things. Once you start to manage it, that's. That is where the magic happens, baby. Okay? You tell yourself, "Oh, I see the trigger. This is a classic. trigger of mine. I slowed myself down. I. went on a run. I did some deep breathing. I also separated fact from the story. Now I know, okay, just keep reading what. the fact is, okay? And then tell myself. a different story. And now. I need to just stop acting on my.

anxiety. When I'm about to go hit that hit them. with that double text, when I'm about to. go play games, you know, make them feel. guilty, or if I'm about to withdraw to. try to punish them, we're going to do none of that. We're just going to freeze. We are going to sit. We're going to lean. into that discomfort of doing literally. nothing. Because from what I have read and I have. talked with my therapist and other.

people who have dealing with this, every. time you survive a trigger without. acting out, you prove to your brain that. you are capable of keeping yourself. safe. You did all of that on your own. You didn't need anyone else to do it for. you. And that is a win and a win and a. win and a win. Cuz. think about it. The more than you get to. that point, then maybe 3 months down the. line, you don't need the pen and paper.

cuz you can be like, "Okay, wait, the. fact is this. This is what I'm doing. Okay, great. Let me go on a run. Let me. sit. I'm not going to do anything. I. need to calm down." Like you're going to. start to innately shift your behaviors. away from what has been really, really. negatively impacting you understandably. because you haven't been aware that. you're even doing it. And once you get. to that point, you guys, that is when. you can try to. start to like basically state your needs. directly. No more games, okay? When you.

finally now talk to your partner, you. can stop playing passive-aggressive mind. games. Instead of saying to your. partner, "Wow, you know, must be nice to be so. busy." Like no, no, no. You're going to be able to say, "Hey, when I. don't hear from you. for most of the day, I feel. I don't know, I feel a bit disconnected. and it makes me feel secure when we. check in, even if it's just briefly.".

Daddy gang, let me tell you something. If they run away from that, then they're. just not your person. That is not asking. a lot, right? Especially if your partner. is aware that you have an anxious. attachment style and you are working on. it. What a beautiful thing to be able to. be honest what kind of triggers you and. your partner meet you right there in the. middle and be like, "Oh, that's totally. fair compromise. We can totally check in. during the day. If that's going to then. prevent the spiral at the end of the. day, got you.".

But I think practicing that like direct. clear communication it is really key. Because it also, and this is where it. gets hard, it does require. vulnerability, right? Instead of like lightly dropping hints. or waiting for them to guess why you're. upset, you have to practice basically. expressing your needs directly and. calmly. And. also, this is just like a past like the.

attachment styles big therapy talk is. like whenever you also do this, use I. statements always. I feel a bit anxious. when we go all day without chatting. So, do you think we could agree to just like. quick little text during lunch? And a. secure partner will respond with empathy. and a desire to help you. Now, the an entire new conversation. would be an avoidant or a toxic partner. will make you feel crazy for asking them.

for a simple little check-in, okay? And. I think that kind of that actually. perfectly leads me to. the last step, which is. again, I would say one of the more. important steps, which is. here's the reality, guys. You can do so. much work on yourself, but. a lot of this is also influenced and.

comes down to the partner you are. choosing. Because. there are inevitably going to be people. out there that. can push your trigger so far. And you become the worst version of. yourself, right? Some people also, and I hate to admit. this, but this is the world we live in, some people are so messed up that they. even recognize your triggers. And if they are unhealthy and toxic, they will use that to control you.

And so, you basically have to force. yourself to. go out with the boring guy who texts you. back in 10 minutes and and you know, tells you his plans for the weekend cuz. I'm telling you, you think it's boring, it's not boring. You just have to give your nervous. system a chance to get used to peace. instead of chaos. >> Call Her Daddy is brought to you by. Ashley. If you went through my camera. roll right now, you would find about a.

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launch coming up and your customer inbox. is full. No worries. Meet your new best. friend, Klaviyo. You type one prompt and Klaviyo's AI. agents build the whole launch, the. emails, the texts in your voice and find. your next sale before you do. Nothing. goes out without your approval. Plus, Klaviyo answers those emails and every. new one, too. When's my order arriving? Answered. Sounding like you while you.

are asleep. It does all of this because. customer data, marketing, service, analytics and AI agents all live in one. place. Klaviyo, idea to launch support. handled one evening. Nearly 200,000. brands are on Klaviyo. Go to k l a v i y. o dot com/bestfriends. And I think it's so important for. especially women listening like you. don't have to beg for crumbs of. affection. You do not have to twist.

yourself into this crazy pretzel to be. loved by someone. If someone makes you feel like you're. too much, it is highly likely that they are simply. not capable of offering you what you. need. Again, if you have this attachment, you do need. to work on it. But anything in life, choosing a partner. is. I don't know any people who came. together and they're like, "We were. perfect when we met each other. It. worked so perfectly." Like each person. is going to bring their {quote} baggage.

and each person then is going to need to. make a concerted effort to make sure. that, "Okay, I see what you're. struggling with and I'm willing to go. the distance to try to help you with. it." Again, if someone is. not willing to work on themselves, then. I agree maybe that person isn't going to. be right for you at the time because. it's not fair to them to put them. through you being blindfolded and be. like I'm not fixing my anxious. attachment. If I call you every 15 times. a day, you better [ __ ] answer. It's. like that's not fair to that person. But. if you're making an effort.

and they're not willing to make an. effort, then they're not the right one. for you. You are so worthy of a love that feels. warm and safe and not like a panic. attack. What a concept, okay? >> [sighs]. >> I hope that this anxious attachment. breakdown could be helpful. I am so. aware again that this is not a. one-and-done solution, but it will. hopefully just help someone to recognize. like it can get better and in a. beautiful way like you are in control of.

yourself. You weren't in control of your. childhood. What happened to you in your. childhood was out of your control, but. now you're in control. And again, yes, you have to do the inner work on. yourself, but. the annoying part, but the reality is. like you cannot heal attachment trauma. entirely in isolation. I know a lot of us wish we could. We as. human beings heal in relation to others.

That's just a fact. And so one of the. fastest ways to just build earned. security is to date a secure person. Their consistent, predictable, calm. responses will slowly teach your nervous. system that it is safe to let your guard. down. Because let me just tell you, okay, the. absolute worst, most emotionally.

exhausting pairing for an anxious. attachment style is to be with someone. who has an avoidant attachment style. In. psychology, that match up is so. notoriously toxic and it's literally. Guys, it's so common. This this this duo. is walking around. It has its own name. It is called the anxious avoidant trap. And to no surprise, it is so annoying to.

say that those styles are so extremely. drawn to each other in the beginning. They are. Oh, it is like boom, you're immediately. attracted. But then once they get close, they trigger each other's deepest. psychological wounds in a very very. painful self-reinforcing loop that is. just exhausting. And so. I recognize a lot of you are like, okay, it's not that easy to just like stumble.

out of my apartment, Big Al, and just. find a secure attached man or find a. secure attached woman. I so so so get. that. And that's why I do think like. as much as maybe this episode today is. relating to you because this is your. attachment style, I do think that it's. important to be educated on all the. attachment styles so that you can be. aware, oh, I think I'm dating someone. with this and I have this. Like we're. going to we're going to have friction.

because my attachment style doesn't jive. with his. It's like a way more intense. psychological version of when people are. like, what's your love language? I'm. like, [ __ ] a love language. First you. need to actually know your attachment. style and what is your partner's. attachment style? Let's see if we can. even. tango together in that capacity cuz then. like acts of service, we'll get there, okay? But what is your. attachment style? And so having just. spoken to everyone about anxious. attachment style and how.

influenced you can be by. the avoidant attachment styles, I think. that next Sunday session I am going to. dive very deep into avoidant attachment. styles. Um and basically similar today, we can. just fully dissect and discuss what is. avoidant attachment and how does it show. up in your everyday life or how does it. impact your life if you are someone who. is dating an avoidant because when I.

posted on my social media asking you. guys for the people who were aware of. attachment styles, they were like, "Hey Al, could you help me just understand like. will an avoidant ever settle down? Will. they ever not, you know, be so. comfortable to just ghost or disappear? Like what do I do as a partner to an. avoidant?" There were a lot of people. simultaneously saying, "I'm an avoidant. and it's ruined a lot of my. relationships and I don't know how to. break this cycle." And so, have no fear,

big Al is here. I hope this was helpful. I recognize that there's also so many. more dynamics that like I could have. been hitting of again like if you're. dating um an an anxious person and how. do you handle that? But I do think. baseline we covered a good amount for. anxious attachment style. Obviously you. guys write any questions into me that. you want me to answer and um. yeah, I hope that this. started obviously as a little bit of a.

wake-up call of like, "Okay, I've got to. lock in. This is pertaining to me." But. I really do hope and I always hope with. my Sunday sessions that like yes, sometimes we're talking about topics. that can be uncomfortable and hard to. acknowledge, but at the end of the day, facing the hard stuff in life is what's. actually going to make your life easier. And as painful as it is in the moment to. be like, "Oh my god, this is what's. causing me so much pain." How much. relief you get when you can start to.

identify these patterns and you can. start to actually adjust for yourself. Cuz that's like my whole thing this year. is like, why are we giving people. all of the autonomy and ability to. impact us? Like, life is just so much. better once you start to be like, it's. my life, I have to live with myself, I. have to handle this. And so, yeah, F my. parents for messing me up back then, or. F these people who did this to me and da. da da da, but like, if I keep just. complaining about what they did to me, I'm going to sit in this pain for the.

rest of my life. In order to heal, we. can't wait for other people to heal us. We can't wait for apologies. We can't. wait for any of that. We literally just. have to be like, you know what? I'm. going to do it myself. And then it's. even more gratifying when you actually. do it yourself and you start healing on. your own, and you're like, oh my god, I didn't need anyone. Cuz then it. completely relinquishes control that. anyone else had over your life. And then. you actually get to start choosing. things that you know you're doing in a. clear-headed space. You're not picking a.

partner because they fill this void that. you've had since childhood. And you're. not just putting up with something. because you think that you can't do. better. You're going to get so much. clarity when you work on yourself. And. it's a lot of work, and it can be really. painful. And it's like the classic it's. going to get worse before it gets. better, but at least you know it's going to get. better. If you just basically black out. and just say, I'm I don't want to open. that can of worms, then you're just. you're stagnant. You're not growing. One.

day you probably will wake up and want. relief, and it's like, God, you could. have started earlier and you could have. been living. with happiness sooner. So, I hope this. was maybe helpful to anyone, and I love. you guys, obviously. And next Sunday. session, yes, will be on more attachment. styles. And you guys know the [ __ ]. drill. I will see you [ __ ] on. Wednesday for a main episode. Goodbye. >> [music].

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