Wiener Fart & The Noodle Tombstone | Ep 132 | Bad Friends

hey um I got some dates coming up I'm. filming my special in Denver September. 24th also I'm going to be in Salt Lake. City uh September 9 and 10 then I'm. doing Bray on the 13th I'm doing. Minneapolis and Madison Wisconsin 1617. then September 24th I'll be in Denver. filming my special the Paramount Theater. go to andrewsantino.com for those. tickets andrewsantino.com for those. tickets you two are. friends who are these two idiots. [Music].

we're bad friends why are you got beef. with Carlos I don't have any beef with. them dude well why do you have carnitas. with him I don't even know what whatever. it is. yeah yeah yeah I got moist pork with. them man welcome back to the show Juju. Juju juicy Johnson. I mean I don't wanna I don't wanna tout. but. um. we're really helping you out huh. out of town but I think you're touting.

yeah yeah I'm telling let me tout a. little bit yeah he beat out. now you start off with 13. 000 you know followers on Instagram. which is pretty noble what are we. talking right now before now she's at. 43.9. that's really let me say this if our. fans don't get her to a hundred by the. end of the year we're stopping the show. yeah we'll quit the show yeah it'll be. good friends it'll be it'll be different. with Rick Glassman and Eric Griffin and. it's not and it won't be a good show it. won't be a good show well they won't. talk to each other the whole time yeah.

yeah no let me say something so we got. the 44 almost right. and then um you're gonna open for Andrew. yeah yes we're gonna be doing Salt Lake. City together jet ski said yes over the. phone September 9 and 10 we're doing. four shows two Friday two Saturday Salt. Lake City come see me and your boo jet. ski juicy Johnson and what else happened. I got a commercial agent thank you to. Bobby no I didn't do it you know he. called me he called me and he told me. he was like I think I'm gonna get her a. commercial agent yeah I was like really.

I was like how are you gonna do that and. he goes I I have my ways and then he. hung up the phone like a creepy little. Asian Oracle yeah but it worked I blew. him you're I gave Lawrence her a [ __ ]. for you to get in really yeah yeah when. I was on the casting couch for you if. you could pick any commercial to go out. for right now what what campaign would. you want to do. um bad friends no no no real one a real. one commercial yeah. um what about like uh Verizon thing from. Verizon you could be the new guy I. wonder like a car commercial oh which.

kind of what car company I would do like. uh like it would be sick to do like a. Lamborghini or like. literally I've never seen it but Let's. do let's do the Lamborghini yeah they. don't do car commercials uh but pitch me. uh pitch me a Lamborghini go ahead let's. see well I think the commercial is set. up the commercial scenario again she has. to set it up if she wants us that bad. you got to tell me what what it is okay. I'm the valet driver I have experience. doing that so I could fit the rule and. uh and uh you you uh play the rich guy.

okay so you toss me I'm not in the. commercial my boss. and so you're like park the cars oh I'm. another valet driver. I have another compelling just so let's. get that clear. ly do the car parking too I know but you. know I'll be the guy you'd be the rich. guy fine I'll be the vet I'll be the. Mexican valet driver okay ready yeah. hey hey it's your turn.

all right I got this all right hey uh. how you doing good good is this uh is. this valet for the Foot Spa yep just. leave your keys in the car and uh he'll. show you take it. I got it thank you. this is a Jeep. I'm sorry yeah let's start over start. over yeah I forgot we're actually yeah. hey you broke this one.

hey is this the valet from Yoshinoya. sure is sick leave her close. got it. and then I go this is the commercial I. go hey where are you going and she's. just driving into the sunset and then. Lamborghini yeah oh that's cool yeah. lamborghina.

have you ever wanted to steal it that's. a good commercial right right good. enough to steal we're all in it we all. get a Lamborghini do we all get a. Lamborghini yeah yeah five it's my. commercial yeah pull that money close to. your face I can't hear you I keep. slipping.

oh seriously yeah yeah but which one. I'll have to pick it based on the. commercials oh so we we could be going. to [ __ ] Ruth Chris. how many times we're going to Outback. Steakhouse and that's a fact yeah. Outback okay so um you know what I I. found a different maybe nickname for you. because I think you you have a Diane. Keaton kind of energy yeah you said that. yeah so what about this. I.

yeah no I really do yeah look at little. Lottie dog I like that one yes I'm still. gonna call you juicy yeah me too for the. record yeah but la di da is gonna exist. yeah that's really that's really. thoughtful and cool thank you juicy by. Lady da. Yeah by Juicy I like that have you guys. ever thought of getting a fragrance. because I wonder what your fragrance was. oh dude I'm working on one with H3 do. you know that with Ethan Klein yeah they. have a fragrance thing yeah they do yeah.

what's yours gonna smell like well can I. tell you what it's called one two three. noodles no no do noodles have a smell. noodles smell delicious are you out of. your mind yeah I've never smelled a. noodle though I eat them you've never. smelled noodles you smell them first and. then eat them yes the steam that's. wafting off of noodles when they're. cooked is so good two things I don't. smell rice steamed rice or noodles. because you just inhale them so let me. explain to you. that's how you eat yeah let me explain. why is the slurping such a big deal in.

Asia it's a huge deal. is so gross I hate it you just see it. when they suck dick. what do they do oh really yeah it's like. a large it's a yogurt yeah yeah. yeah slurping and belching during meal. are acceptable as long as these are. considered limits to the quality of the. food right but the slurping is so so if. I was gonna ask you to describe the. smell of a noodle please do okay yeah uh. ready I've been crested crested Sunshine.

laying over a tiny Hill as wheat waves. in the Wind. my wife my son my dog and my friend. walk slowly through a field what the. [ __ ] is Sunflower Hemingway novel yeah. no I want what the [ __ ] does it smell. like that's what it smells like in my. [ __ ] head now if you were gonna. describe a smell of an alien race comes. down beep up why do noodles smell like. Asian fingers.

there you go and that's to the point. well my cologne is called bird flu. so it comes in a a blue bird bottle but. the bird's dead so it's got x's on his. eyes right and the smell is going to be. lychee fruit. and some woodsy smell like a oak. oh I like that like a woodsy lychee kind. of fruit okay yeah I can't wait to smell.

it it's gonna be great I don't know yeah. what's your cologne what would mine be. called yeah and what would it smell like. my cologne would be called. um cirrhosis. and it would smell like whiskey what's a. bottle look like huh I'm I'm at [ __ ]. Sephora and I go to the lady oh where's. your cirrhosis. oh which you want the summer or the. winter Edition I want the summer Edition. serosis comes in a little Tombstone yeah. yeah open the tombstone now it has my.

smell in there and whoa and it's whiskey. and the smell of skin rotting to a chair. oh that's pretty good nice pretty good. what's your cologne perfume. perfume probably like open wound oh. what does it smell. look like first uh it looks like a. um. it looks like a glass box of tampons. and it's very pretty good very good yeah.

yeah and. it smells like roses yeah and menstrual. blood oh. yum yum yum yum love it's so funny to. look over at the boys at Pete and Carlos. and they both are going they're nodding. off yeah that's the smell that people. want to smell does that [ __ ] that's. what [ __ ] smells like to me roses roses. and menstrual blood like a combo the way. that you don't smell noodles or rice I. don't smell [ __ ] I can't smell anything. you really smell nothing nothing that's.

amazing nothing what about butthole. I know where I'm at once I get to the. butthole I know where I'm at right have. you ever licked a butthole thingy was. the [ __ ] like you went too deep down. can I tell you something yeah no. yeah you have yeah because I closed my. eyes.

but but you know you know which one's on. I don't know what directionally I am are. you guys able to move them. yeah you switch them I can't what a. trick they could play on us yeah like. can the uh butthole kind of go to the. taint a little bit Yeah can it move yeah. can you shift it okay there is like a. Runway there's a Runway I'm trying to do. it right now yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. the runway is like Hong Kong It's gotta. get land between the buildings it's a. tiny little Runway between the butthole. and the [ __ ] but can you just squeeze. tight and what if you got surgery to. make them right right on top of each.

other what do you mean if they cut out. the tank and made it even closer I. wouldn't want that no you know how funny. no that's still it's the you wouldn't. like to do that number one. yeah I would hate to be your roommate. [ __ ] them all I was like wow. it's movie night. yeah no I wouldn't want that you. wouldn't want it it's just too smells. you're gonna be too close together it.

would create a singular smell imagine if. they Blended and they Blended well much. like bird flu what if the smell of. lychee and the woods is similar we. tested the smell already this is a real. clinical thing we're doing it well I. call it bird flu I just think it's funny. you know what I mean it's gonna Sell It. might smell you know what it's gonna. smell but what I'm saying is that we. don't know what the combination of smell. is going to do so I'd rather get the. smell smell it first and then get the. operation you don't want to get the. operation before you know what it smells. like I think put the card before the.

horse I think we figured we caught we I. think you you put the [ __ ] operation. into play and hope that thing smells. good and if it doesn't what happens big. [ __ ] deal then we move on with your. life oops oops and it might sell more. yeah maybe yeah you have a car freshener. in your car no but I want to get one. because I had in and out today with. Daniel we ate in the car and my car. smelled really bad what was your order. uh this the number two combo number two. is a double double no onion. is Daniel.

um jealous that you're funnier than him. and talk about that. I'm kidding he's very funny he's so. funny oh he doesn't watch the show you. Daniel [ __ ] he's a funny guy I was just. trying to be mean so you guys had in and. out in the car you didn't want to eat it. outside we had a long drive back so from. where a wedding shower in Seal Beach oh. sorry sorry a wedding shower yeah what. does that mean you celebrated them was. it a baby shower I don't know the word.

for it so it's they're they're well. don't make it up that's what it said it. was called a wedding shower oh it was. okay yeah it was it was like a. celebration because we're not gonna go. to the wedding. because it's like in another state but. you did go to a wedding oh it's a. wedding for poor people it's a wedding. for like the celebration before Bobby. what you're right it is true though it. is yeah yeah it's for your poor friends. for your poor friends yeah like me yeah. okay I get it so they go hey just. realized where are we going today where. is the wedding at. another state I don't know you don't.

give a [ __ ] you already did this but did. you give them a gift yeah in the. registry I'm gonna I haven't yet well. you have a year yeah what do you think. you're planning on getting them. um I don't know I go on the registry and. I'm just gonna find the cheapest thing. no the coolest thing like I saw like. ceramic bowls but I'm like that seems. like a boring gift but they put it on. the registry so they must want it I. think people might just put stuff on a. registry because they think they're. supposed to yeah how much is it 40 bucks. great they got it done yeah they'll love. it what's the most expensive thing in.

the registry I don't know do you have it. available for us to look at. uh I could send you the link but I have. to get my phone but it's it's because I. kind of want to look at it and I think. we should buy it in the most expensive. thing on there that would be awesome. that'd be cool for her and we buy it. yeah let me think about it we're gonna. buy it I don't know him if ceramic bowls. are 40 I don't think they're [ __ ]. Registries I know can I just said. something with Eric Griffin I still. haven't bought anything and can I say. something I probably not you know why. why we went to the wedding oh that's. true we went all the way there yeah yeah.

that's true if I'm gonna go all the way. to your wedding where where were we I. don't no more honestly nowhere nowhere I. have no idea yeah yeah it was like. Guardians of the Galaxy nowhere. if we went all the way there yeah that. was our gift. um go back to that that's what that's. that's exactly where that's where his. wedding is yeah nowhere. go to that other page real fast so look. at this erecto vaginal fistula is an. abnormal connection between the lower. portion of your large intestine and your. rectum in your vagina look at this bowel.

contents leak through the fistula. allowing gas are still to pass through. your vagina you can actually poop out of. your puss I mean it has been a dream. I feel bad with women that have Crohn's. disease why because sometimes they get. poo in their [ __ ] well that's what. that was I know well what about men who. have Crohn's disease they don't have. [ __ ] it's in the dick they can poop. on their penis I bet inside does it come. out what if you're dude if your wiener. could fart how you wouldn't hear it the. hole's too small no it'll be late it'd. be like this.

yeah mine would go mine would go. mine will go. there'll be juice. wedding wedding Registries are. absolutely insane they're insane. inappropriate but we're gonna buy the. most expensive thing on here we're gonna. do it but it's cool if I ever get. married I'm gonna get married in a place. where people can't afford to go so they. don't go I'll go wherever I know that's. why I know you'll go yeah right but she.

won't go no what if we fly her no I'll. fly you please don't invite it don't. don't fly her I'm Gonna Fly her no. because I'm gonna do one of those. [ __ ] shower weddings oh I think belly. room okay good I'll do a shower wearing. at the belly room one night I'm already. there right they go yay you know what I. mean do a spot go upstairs yeah go I'll. just do one yay and then they'll clap. and then I'm out do you want to tell me. what you called me about last night in. the middle of the night. you don't have to say it what was it.

what I don't remember who gave you a. gift last night. oh I could say it let's talk about it. because Bobby called me we both had sets. back to back in the store but anyway I. got yeah how do you say it hold on let. me set this up yeah I will say and I. mean this yeah. you know we're gonna look back I'm being. can I be genuine for two minutes yeah. we're gonna look back in a decade. and we're gonna go man remember how fun. it was. those nights at the store when I would. bring you one or you'd bring me on yeah. and I'm I'm being genuine when I say.

this I mean this from my heart yeah it's. the most fun I've ever had in my life as. a comedian is when you and I are having. fun and we bring each other on yeah and. the energy is good and the show is good. and I mean it you're gonna look back. when you're [ __ ] old and done and. you're gonna go that was the time of our. life. I'm serious I mean here's why I said. what I said though all right is is that. I don't know why but it's always me. after you. and you always kill so hard you want the.

best Comics but you kill so hard and. then what you do is you play trickery on. stage no yeah yeah you do no I bring you. one I say no you don't no you don't you. do this [ __ ] you say my name right and. then you'll pretend to leave yeah you'll. go in the audience yeah well I'm telling. my jokes you're still like in the. audience audience standing up getting. claps for yourself I gotta shake the. Fan's hands I know then you come back up. on stage something you want me back up. there I know and I don't like it well. I'm gonna keep doing it.

because it means the world's all right. if it gives you I'm sure the stage of my. best friend so assuming I'm having a. blast if it gives you Joy then do it you. know how people run the light at the. Oscars and they play the music and all. that I don't like it I love it. yeah you do [ __ ] the [ __ ] them [ __ ] the. time [ __ ] you by the way you oh they. play off music no let me say in my [ __ ]. until let me say though this is my. moment in the Sun but you have to. understand this all right if you look at. the lineup right it's hard hitters. before me it's a sold out room it's.

packed in the main room right and it's. like you guys are killing and I just. kind of want to go up and do the same. you know me but then I have to deal with. other elements I don't like that yeah. you but I help you a lot of times I. don't think it's a help they laugh for. you they laugh with us. okay. if you say so so let's say about the. what did I do last night well because I. begged you on my hands and knees i s but. what did I say I said he's my best. friend my best friend on Earth. that was perfect I bowed and I walked.

away why'd you bow yeah you did I bowed. it's racist how. because now I bowed yeah I don't keep. out first. and I'm like in front of a pack room and. I go I'm gonna have to bow yeah is. bowing racist I don't think so look that. up how was that that's a sign of respect. nothing even came up yes oh nothing came. up all right so bow then fine yeah yeah. yeah yeah but don't do the gong like you. did okay. first of all the gong is too much they. loved it I know but then you grab the.

mic in the back and go. I don't like that that's your calling. card it's true it is a thing you know. how they put Batman symbol in the sky. yeah yeah yeah yeah. okay it's almost if you float down all. right out of thin air that's your. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice beetlejuice okay. so um should we talk about what happened. the bizarre thing that happened last. night yeah so you call me on the phone. to talk about the spot all right so um. I'll just say it I don't know how to get. into it but um it's a good thing it's a. great thing and I'm I almost I cried.

almost I know you got emotional on the. phone I got emotional so what happened. was I show up at the store and. a bunch of people come up to me goes. Leslie Jones is looking for you so I go. um because I let me just say this. beforehand. um I've known her for a very long time. I've had a deep relationship with her I. love her so much same I'm so happy for. her success she's such a great performer. and a great actress whatever so whatever. so funny to be like so genuine what.

whatever. it didn't know what word to use that's. fine okay whatevs whatevs is that better. yeah so they go she's looking for you. and I'm like I think I'm in trouble. already. right because I have to I felt some. friction in the last year between you. and her yeah yeah. I felt some friction in the last year. and I didn't know where it was coming. from and um it kind of hurt me you know. when I would see her we wouldn't log. eyes. we'd avoid each other you know and I I. was like well this is [ __ ] weird but. it is what it is.

so last night she comes up to me and she. gives me a bottle of wine you know she. doesn't know I'm sober but and she gave. me a letter. and the letter read something to the. effect of I have it in my house um thank. you for supporting me over the years I. love you. um. it's just something about I'm glad. you're in my life and all that stuff. and. [Music]. um. she gave me some money there was a check. right yeah which I'm not gonna you don't.

need to talk about it yeah I'm not gonna. but it's pretty but she was I'm not. gonna catch it in but she was thinking. I'm gonna frame actually the the letter. and the and the check yeah you can. always get it no I'm not gonna just cash. it and then say can I have it back. no it's fine but I just that that moment. was like and she kissed me in the cheek. I nearly almost cried and I um you know. I I could see her trying to um. change I don't know what it is I don't. know what's going she's going through. but it really meant a lot to me well.

it's great maybe she maybe the time when. you thought she was being weird or she. was going through something else and you. didn't know we don't know what people go. through you know what I mean but it was. a really nice gesture and um that's why. I called you shout out to Les yeah shout. out to Leslie she's the best she's. always had a crush on me. really yeah ask her. I can't imagine that her and I yeah what. are you talking about she would tell to. be top she'd be top. no no no no there's no rolling around. you roll around she's top we'd roll. around yeah and you're on your stomach.

cute I mean can you imagine she's. pulling me from the back yeah and. there's tears it's called the doorbell. yeah yeah and then oh I'm crying oh. you're crying for sure well and then you. know one day we'll get married and then. her and I will have a registry and. you'll have to buy the most expensive. thing that I put on there and now a word. from our sponsor better help better help. is an amazing um service because I use. it and it's online therapy it's the best. in the business. um if you're going through a hard time. you're sad you know I mean you think. life isn't working out you have some.

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for 16 free meals across seven boxes and. three free gifts did you listen to what. he just said he said go to. hellofresh.com badfriend16 use that code. bad friend 16 for 16 free meals across. seven boxes and three free gifts. hellofresh America's number one meal kit. I can't imagine what your register is. going to be when me and Leslie Jones get. married yeah I can't imagine that what. would it be I don't want to go there. because um yeah you don't. you know I mean that's a trick question.

well let's look at this registry we. obviously can't show the photos I've. seen that guy before we're not going to. show the picture of the say their names. uh okay let's see what they got though. oh when it says sort by do most. expensive price high to low whoa whoa. yeah yeah I didn't even go there short. Buy price high to low all right here we. go 600 what is that Oklahoma whatever. that thing is Highland Reserve flow it's. a it is a it's a it looks like a. fantastic meth lab. like a high-tech doesn't that look like. a high-tech meth lab you know what Bobby.

Because of Your Love of Animals you. should get the litter robot 3 connect. that's a cat it's like a cat house oh. let's get that what is it it's a cat. it's for the litter or there's there's. they want a three-ply stainless steel. cookware set huge yeah they want travel. bags obviously because they want to. travel they need two of them. uh they and then it's close and then. it's then it's always Furniture it's. always Furniture it's always Furniture. so let's go back to the top one because. Bobby's interested in that so do you. want to buy the 600 Oklahoma Joe's. Highland Reserve flows 879 square inch. black horizontal well since I don't know.

them at all let's get the second thing. you want to get them the cat yeah. because I like cats okay. bye now oh my God yeah let's buy that. that's cool but this is from you yeah so. how are we gonna do it are we going to. use our credit card yeah okay. Sheila they listen to this podcast okay. there we go oh well then [ __ ] they're. gonna know what they're gonna get there. yeah yeah but that's exciting that is. exciting do they need like a mat or. anything like that all right Carlos slow. the [ __ ] out. Carlos yeah he's like they want the. super one right the the oversized.

what color do they want they didn't say. huh litter robot let's get the black. yeah black is cool yeah the black one. looks tight it looks dope oh it's gray. whatever it is get that are they big cat. people they must be with a litter box. like that that's a sick litter that's. almost unnecessary but I like it I like. it a lot it's like from Star Wars whoa. look at that that does look like a Star. Wars yeah. [Laughter]. it almost as if they wouldn't know to go.

in there well yeah it looks a little. deceiving yeah it looks a little ominous. can you imagine we pay 600 for this. thing and the cat that never uses it. they'll never use it no is that a bad. idea what if we get in the barbecue the. barber does it come with the white girl. I buy it then. she got that white girl that'd be great. go to details scroll over to the right. it says to the right there it's go up it. says stop scooping cat litter forever. while giving your kitty a clean bed of. litter forever for each use a better. litter box for everyone white girl not. included wow there it is I guess they. don't she doesn't come oh the white oh.

[ __ ] they're just saying white girls can. use it too. okay though she's waiting to get in oh. she's next yeah she's oh that she's. waiting is that what she's taking a. picture she's like get out of my house. [ __ ] she doesn't look upset scoot over. [ __ ] she's sitting like she's holding. in the [ __ ] yeah yeah white girls always. sit like that oh they do yeah and what. is that called you know. crisscross applesauce we used to call it. Indian style you can't say that anymore. why not well. no no no no let's let's address that. okay I'm continuing to say Indian style.

you're on a show about Native Americans. okay crisscross. yeah crisscross Indian style look that. was a way to sit on the floor legs. crossed now a popular phrase used is. crisscross applesauce Indian style is. considered offensive in 2021 well 2022. so I guess it's not offensive anymore. but no but Indians but let me just say. though it's not like it's it's not a. term that's making fun of them though. it's just a cool way of sitting yeah. yeah it's like you know if like you know.

sitting like like I'll just you know you. know how Asians like to. break everything. Asians like to sit. like this well you crouch yeah Asians. love to crouch. that sounds awesome Asian stuff but see. but Asian style has been used to. describe like a version of food. like it's good like and like like a. Buffalo Wild Wings is like Asian style. that's like a cool thing to have oh so.

back in the day you think natives like. in Indian style was a way that people. killed them like let's kill some native. skin Indian style what if they made him. get it what if they made him sit down. crisscross applesauce while they killed. him oh yeah oh then okay see just cross. apple see you gotta think about it so. long but okay crisscross applesauce. what's a quicker way to say cross-legged. crisscross. but crisscross was a great group we. don't know oh that's right yeah yeah. okay you know what I mean are those. prescription yes. wow that's cool so do you wear contacts.

ever or no no oh just those I just wear. these I love. it someday I'm gonna. yeah yeah what do you mean get Lasik I. get no like I get really attached to. things I don't know if you guys get like. that like these shoes I got right when I. started working at the store and I'm. gonna wear them out same with these. glasses like I'll wear it until they. fall off my face but I don't get. attached to stuff. you do a little bit oh I get it. romantically involved yeah you like. stuff yeah yeah I get like there's like.

there's a personal like I remember there. was a car that I drove from La out of. San Diego and I moved to La it was a. truck. and I remember. um I was going I was opening for men C. on the road and I parked at the airport. and it was like on its last leg once I. parked it I know it's dead that was it. that was it so I remember being in the. park that parking lot at LAX looking at. it and I remember weeping oh yeah I. relate to that because of all the. experience I had with that [ __ ] truck. that truck saved my [ __ ] life I don't.

have any attachment to things. the whole house down tonight as long as. nobody I loved was inside of it I don't. give up there's not socks or any pair of. shoes or does nothing not one I mean. this when I say this yeah if my house. caught on fire and no one I loved is. inside of it yeah I don't I wouldn't. even think I would be like what's the. insurance gonna pay out what are we. gonna get really I couldn't care less. what about like what about this what. about like I've never had I've never had. a home you know how you had a home I. broke my mom's heart one time when I. said my our house uh doesn't feel like a.

home it feels like a house and she. [ __ ] couldn't because I I've never. felt at home. so I just like things in places I don't. uh time I really cherish yeah moments of. time I'm super. um what's that word uh when you get. sentimental about the past or the. moments in time um nostalgic nostalgic. super nostalgic dude but honestly I. don't know I just don't like you grew up. in a home your home yeah but there's. things that mean stuff like for instance.

I was at a a meeting once right and this. old-timer not a million times but this. old timer his name was Chris he got his. birthday cake and he had like 40 years. of sobriety right and I was a newcomer. right any any and he took a candle off. of the cake and he gave it to me and he. goes this candle is yours I hope you. stay sober and I put that candle in my. pocket I still have that candle didn't. stay sober though that sure didn't work. you guys got to make a better wish it.

didn't work but I still have the candle. it doesn't mean so much to me I know. what you mean in fact okay okay so I I. have small things like that but they're. very rare like um. my dad gave me a stone are you being. real I swear to God yeah a little tiny. Stone he gave one to me and my sister. one year for some reason and he had some. of the great Limerick behind it but I. just liked it a lot and I kept it in my. pocket for every time I did stand up for. years and years where's the stone it's. gone where is it where is it I threw it. away I got tired of it oh so you don't.

have it no I do have it it's in my desk. drawer yeah I got a dragonfly from my. mom in my pocket look at that and I. bring it on stage or anywhere I go like. oh it's a similar so if I stole that. that would bum you out she'd fight yeah. you're like I can detach but I do. yeah I like. no yeah I like the stone is in my desk. drawer in my house it sits in my desk. and it's in the very front of it I know. where it is I just it's very rare. because it's just very rare that I have.

those things can I tell you the most. precious thing I have me no aside from. that. um you roll your eyes yeah you don't. think I'm one of the most precious. things in your life. absolutely not are you [ __ ] serious I. enjoy it you enjoy me yeah I enjoy you. you don't think I bring ultimate levels. of joy and and nuance and comedy and I. believe you meet certain people at. certain times for certain reasons and. you're a part of that schematic okay so. give me what's precious to you okay so.

20 years ago my mom. she was in tears. and she goes in Korean she said. basically I can't speak English that. well right and I don't know how to write. in English right and I I've never been. expressed to you. how I felt about you. right but I wrote it in Korean and when. I die get it translated it's a two-page. letter written in Korean do you have it. I have it in my house and I haven't.

gotten a Transit because he's obviously. still alive but I'm I'm I'm I will get. it translated can I tell you something. what what if it said [ __ ] you. you're the worst yeah yeah I really. think in my heart yeah you should never. translate it but just get it framed why. because there's something great about. the unknown it's almost like you'll it's. like the chase is better than the kill. it's like the idea of not knowing means. more than knowing for some reason like. you'll know what it means by the feeling. you have for it more so than the direct.

translation because look what happens. look what happens in English dear Bobby. I'm gone now take care uh of Stevie. goodbye and in Korean you know yes. so it doesn't sound as pretty. right it would be the reverse though but. yeah you're right it just doesn't sound. as pretty right so and you know it's. going to be because there's because. we're Lost in Translation will happen. with Korean to English yeah so it'll. read so weird it would yeah you're right. it won't happen I miss you I will. Bobby's son mine yeah yeah it'll just be.

[ __ ] annoying you're right so I think. don't get a transition I'll frame it. frame it yeah and let it live in your. house for the rest of your life oh my. God yeah do you have anything like that. no I I don't have nothing like that I. know when my dad. um had to take care of his dad's funeral. uh and everything it was so messy that. he's like given me his card to his. financial he's like when when I when I. die just call this guy he's got like the.

business card all right I don't want it. to be a mess for you oh wow so he has it. all taken care of that's what he says I. don't yeah I'm like why he constantly. tells me out like I'll be fine when he's. dead I'm like I don't want to choose I. know it's because his dad left often. with such a mess to like take care of oh. see that's not fair will he leave money. you think he. he all the time like yeah like. oh how much do you think how much do you. think I have no idea is he rich I think.

so but he's so Frugal that like I have. no he was a rocket scientist he's. retired oh wow he's gotta have a lot of. money but like he didn't want to go to a. show in North Carolina because he was. worried about the two drink minimum but. I think that was wow. right because it's like no one tells me. to drink two drinks I'm drinking four. but you don't tell me to drink two yeah. yeah that's how people at the store. they're like why is there a two drink. minimum and you're like you had seven. drinks yeah yeah what the [ __ ] you what. are you talking about yeah you were. gonna get wasted anyway and also oh I. don't drink fine then you just buy two.

waters or whatever or when you come put. somebody on the list and they ask that. bro dude I had friends I put them on the. list and then like why do we have to. take two drinks okay you this is a 30. dollar ticket [ __ ] well you know what I. do you know what I do now to not deal. with that anymore I usually tell the. tell the servers yeah I say hey you know. at Comics tab like give the comics. discount because they're my table and. just put it on my credit card yep well. that's what you do yeah because I don't. want to [ __ ] deal with it yeah yeah. and so that way when they're drunk and. annoying I can be like go get you guys. have to okay you leave now oh yeah or or.

the word says you get a call me plus one. and then right before you go on we're. here but it's 15 other people yeah no. yeah yeah and then you're like what you. don't get in yeah you don't know then I. have to go to the [ __ ]. what's it sold out but what can we do. it's so annoying it's so annoying by the. way we had some guests the last one I. saw you know wreck was there with. dumbfounded oh yeah who's Rick oh you. don't no uh-uh that was who was with me. in beef who played with me and beef he. was with dumbfounded did you meet did.

you go say hi to them I did so that was. the guy that replaced me on beef he. didn't replace you. my enemy he played you. no it was that him that was wreck right. yeah I'm glad I had a good set he's the. [ __ ] man no I wanted to show him he's. not a stand-up it doesn't matter first. of all he loves you I had to show him. okay he loves you I know and what kind. of show though you can show how good you. are you're a great comic everybody. [ __ ] knows that's why he went to see. you yeah yeah he thinks you're. incredible it does shake his hand I.

didn't good. I did it I did it I kind of gave him a. pound and a walk by such a grudge I love. it you hold a grudge I love it well. that's my energy is it it's what keeps. me up it's what keeps me going is that. energy it's like me I'll show you I'll. show you yeah yeah I'll show you what. happens when you run out of people to. show oh I make them up. [Laughter]. I make up people I really do I'll go. who's the guy you know countless Studies. have shown yeah holding grudges and.

keeping negative feelings is bad for. your mental health. I know you know what's gonna happen to. you what you're gonna have a psychotic. break no I'm not yes you are let me ask. you something. let's be real because you you have your. ear in the the local comedy scene. especially at the store right sure yeah. so in terms of do you think people think. that I'm gonna have a psychotic break. that I'm Bobby Lee's like you know Manic. and he's on the edge. everyone I've heard says that you're. like getting [ __ ] together.

but I will say it before this podcast. you did approach me on the stairs. outside into tonight's the night I get. murdered. [Laughter]. wouldn't I say that just before 25. minutes ago right before Andrew pulled. up and I was like thank god. oh yeah I did do that yeah I go tonight. tonight you get murdered and I grab the. the keys yeah yeah did you really think. that if Andrew didn't show that you.

would be a murderer no yeah I wasn't. gonna hurt you no I know yeah yeah you. know yeah. you would even bring that up yeah wait. it's weird she would bring it up you. just talked about you having a psychotic. break it makes perfect sense yeah and. you said be honest be real yeah yeah. you're right okay my bad and she is. honest and realized what's Andrew's. reputation you think he's he's you know. you hung out the other night for the. first time in a long time that was cool. yeah I usually just don't hang out you. know what I did last night right I went. to teach Tate I went to Pink Dot and I.

bought um you know you leave sometimes. leave something for the servers yeah and. I left a bag of Tate blueberry chocolate. chip cookies by the way you know Tates. you know Tate's cookies yeah. the chocolate chips are the best. they just made blueberry yeah and I ate. two bags this weekend no like a fat. piece of [ __ ]. I liked Tates is the best and they have. a blueberry they just made blueberry and. I'm not kidding oh my god dude we gotta. get some for the show like a fat piece. of [ __ ] I ripped through it and I got. sad because when I finished the first.

one yeah yeah I knew I was gonna get. another one can I say something like you. look fatter today I know you really do. look pudgy or like bloated I got swole. I've been swollen this weekend was a. swollen weekend yeah. Andrew the worst thing is when you're on. a vacation yeah and you look at your. partner whoever you're with you're. Compadres and you go what do we do today. we don't know no one planned no no one. planned anything but that's why now I. have Viator thank God and we have so. many options we can do almost anything. you want to go bungee I want to you want.

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them all right but I have high blood. pressure so I'm on blood medication like. high blood pressure medication and I eat. so much I can't feel my my neck is so. stiff. can't stop you can't and I think I'm. gonna have a stroke. so I'll keep eating I gotta get flaming. flaming bacon see what that flavor right. okay and then I have jars of seed shells. just jars of it on my [ __ ] nightstand. uh oh no I'm missing your neck uh it. it's it's usually caused by an issue.

with a spinal cord or other nerves yeah. that's spinal cordation I know I know. you're having nerve damage I'm having. nerve damage from it okay so if you die. from eating sunflower seeds yeah yeah. can we make your Tombstone a sunflower. seed bag. how about one large sunflower seed. that's cute that's cute what flavor. Asian style. there is no Asian style flavor look up. yes there is we should create you should. make it no we should create our own. flavors of sunflower seeds bad friends. sunflowers yeah dude I'm being real I'm. toe down because there's certain flavors.

they don't have they always [ __ ] with. hamburgers I like that one tacos fuegos. that's a good one you know what I mean. yeah yeah but like Mongolian beef. imagine Mongolian beef. [Laughter].

caramel is better than chocolate when it. comes to the sweet and salty stuff yeah. so caramel how about caramel can we go. caramel we could go yeah yeah look at. all those flavors right now the. sunflower seeds ultimate variety pack I. think we need to get that for the studio. for Bob yeah yeah can we do that let me. see something. this is not my favorite pigs is not the. best it's not the best David is clutch. but yeah no David's not even the. collection no no but it's it's I'm. saying it's old school. did you guys see this look at my face. what oh do you have a stroke no did you. see the movie.

good Bad and the Ugly no no it's new I. only know this because I listened to. your yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so. what is it Elvis yeah did you see it do. it again. no that just looks like he had a stroke. oh oh Elvis Elvis is it this is lip. do you see it no why then I won't why I. don't support bazlerman or whatever the. [ __ ]. is it yeah I have no reason I just don't. I don't I don't know I'm kidding I just. don't give a [ __ ] about that it was good.

I'll say I thought it was good yeah but. is it about his life when he gets fat. and dies yeah it's the whole the whole. did they show the drugs they show the. [ __ ] they show it all baby I want to. see the gross part is all that why can't. we just have the time period when he. dies also this guy I've heard he was. good in the movie he was so good. he was really good dude you look strange. it also doesn't look like Elvis in the. movie dude there were times where I like. uh no they're stretching so [ __ ] hard. it's fine because you're not gonna find.

someone that looks exactly like him but. yeah look at that no that looks like. that looks like Elvis with plastic. surgery. it does that does it looks like [ __ ]. La Elvis. [Laughter]. Elvis after he'd like lost an important. role and he was like I'm gonna get him. back yeah but I thought his performance. was good I heard he did great yeah yeah. I'm never gonna see it wow I love how. stubborn you are [ __ ] Elvis I don't like. him he [ __ ] stinks I thought a [ __ ]. stunk [ __ ] Elvis he stole music from. black people [ __ ] him. oh dude I don't like him I don't like.

that people love him too yeah he's a. stinker Pinker name the song that you. love to listen to by Elvis. um you're suspicious. okay ain't nothing but a hound dog trash. whoa dude. trash. [Laughter].

so you prefer the Beatles better are The. Beatles better than Elvis it's not even. a [ __ ] conversation all right of. course they are The Beatles The Beatles. yeah I just said the Beatles yes oh. they're way better it's not even in the. same kind it's like The Beatles you know. what the Beatles are to Elvis you to a. person who's thinking about starting. comedy no that's so crazy yes it is wow. yes it is no it's not the gap between. Elvis and The Beatles is not even. [ __ ] close wow how many number one.

hits did the [ __ ] Beatles have how. many number one hits did [ __ ] Elvis. have yeah all right. how many number one songs did The. Beatles [ __ ] but he's the king of. rock and roll he was the first guy he. was the guy he was the king because he. owned slaves what what that's what they. called him that wasn't in the movie he. owned slaves I didn't see that we didn't. see that part of the movie Graceland. yeah yeah Graceland is all it was a. slave house Graceland not Raceland no it. was racist. what the Beatles had 20 number one hits. Elvis had uh 18. 18. there it is 20 days.

two that's close no it's not even close. there was no one else making music. around Elvis yeah but it's so funny. because I can only name like maybe eight. Elvis songs you just did you named all. four well yeah yeah but I can name. probably 80 People songs yeah we could. go through we could go through all the. Beatles albums right now and name off. almost every song probably can't name. [ __ ] from Elvis yeah they're probably. sorry jail what about the stones what's. better the stones or the Beatles I'm. still gonna side with the Beatles I. think so too but I like the stones I.

love the stones yeah you're still gonna. go with the Beatles what about you. Beatles yeah so you're what your guys. are saying to me is do you think let's. say it here at that Friends The Beatles. are the greatest rock band ever period. that I I I've always said that period. I've always said that people argue no. the stone nope no way no The Beatles the. from what uh here here's what it proved. it to me what the Beatles did. categorically like the the levels of. [ __ ] what they went through musically. like diff just super different channels. the change yeah they went with the yeah. they were relevant through their did the.

stones do that I don't know a little bit. they did a little they did Ruby Tuesday. and they got a little bit like Jumping. Jack Flash you know what I mean but I. just the Beatles went through such like. it's just like tidal waves of of. different kinds of music during. different time the Beatles are king and. and the Beatles have like albums that. are like notoriously like good from. beginning to end like yeah like Abbey. Road right yeah I can I think Exile Main. Street which is a Stones album is pretty. good from beginning to end but I can't. say that about the rest of the other. levels I just think they just the amount.

of bangers that those kids made is just. stupid and yeah and to think you know. what's crazy I'm sad they're not making. any more albums they're all alive and. kicking around it's like why don't they. make another album yeah yeah yeah you. know what are they doing they're just. hanging out how did how did Pete Bass. Live with himself how I would have I. would have take a [ __ ]. shotgun muzzle into my mouth and pulled. the trigger I mean that's the worst. decision ever ever made of and anything. ever those guys that rent Chernobyl not. even close not even close to what peepas.

did Peep has [ __ ] up can you you. imagine that I want to let people know. who Pete best is do you know who that is. I've just figured it out right yeah all. right well let me guess he had a chance. to play with the Beatles. he was the Beatles drummer and he turned. to the rest of the guys and went I want. to go back to I want to go back to art. school he literally was like it's not. working out and then they went oh we got. to find something they found Ringo right. it's not working out it's not working. out it's not working two years oh he.

could have waited two [ __ ] years. they're the biggest thing on planet. Earth and he's an art school with a. [ __ ] shotgun muzzled as well yeah. yeah I would have killed myself do you. know what's insane though when you think. about it when you look at him yeah it. looks like he doesn't fit that's what's. even more creepy yeah he does it when. you're looking for food when you look at. the photo that's the Japanese version. it just looks like he doesn't belong he. doesn't. for some reason he looks like Johnny. Cash he does look like yeah that's what.

it is it's like he doesn't belong that's. 99 Cent Store Johnny Cash yeah yeah. whatever what are we doing here yeah. yeah see he's thinking about [ __ ] art. school that's his problem that's what. he's thinking about right now I can't. wait to get out of this thing when you. said a shotgun muzzle in the mouth by. the way yeah you can't pull your trigger. so far away to use your toe how do you. get down there what do you mean well the. muscles up here your hands are holding. it what's with the muzzles in my mouth. right and the trigger's way down there. you got to put your toe down you would I. don't think you can reach well I create. apparatus oh so what I would do is a. little Rube Goldberg.

like a pancake pithing pops up a light. falls you know. yeah yeah it would be a little ball I'll. go through a Lego set by the way the. funniest suicide video on Earth if you. rude Goldberg your own suicide yeah you. have to just sit there put yourself. and if one Domino fell the wrong way. yeah yeah he's been trying to kill. himself my brother for like a year. to figure itself out yeah. yeah those I've always wanted to make.

one of those can we make it let's do a. bad friend's room what's it called them. I think it's called a Rube Goldberg. right Rube Goldberg yeah yeah well who. the [ __ ] is Rube Goldberg by the way the. first idiot to try it I guess by the way. if we find out he was trying to kill. himself and just wanted a way to like. get to have time to think about it yeah. that's what it is he made that so he's. like I just don't want to die yet I'm. going to think about the way I wanted. Goldberg himself the world's most famous. newspaper cartoonist draws animated.

cartoons for path these films will make. so he was a [ __ ] right so he had a. brilliant brain of drawing cartoons and. like had a great imagination so he made. a machine just to waste time I love. those things they're so ingenious have. you seen those on YouTube on YouTube. that are legitimately like three minutes. long of just a of track through. someone's entire house and outside. someone's backyard back in the house. biggest dude type in biggest Rube. Goldberg machine yeah ever and I want to.

see how long it takes to get through all. that stuff. because it's got to be just. how long is that one Epic chain react. what is that four minutes four [ __ ]. four minutes dude of course it's an. Asian guy of course it is. by the way it was probably started rube. was a white guy that Asian guy can't. even say Rube Goldberg. [Laughter]. I mean look at that alone just wow dude. [Laughter].

I mean it's just maybe that's how they. create the names Asian names ping pong. ping pong it's a guy writing. what always blows my mind is is when. it's multiple things at once look at. that look at that look at that that's. inside right like that oh my God that. has to fall to pull the thing there's no. way we will do it dude no we'll never be. able to yeah yeah I'm not an engineer. is there anybody we know that's smart. enough to do to like waste time doing. this. like do we have any autistic friends. yeah we're glass man Glassman could do.

that Glassman could do it because. because an autistic kid can see this on. his mind I'm sure that's yeah I just. don't have the I don't know how to I. wouldn't know where to start. it's a lot of marbles though so imagine. you're gonna cure yourself at the end. here there's a shotgun in your mouth. right and you they always tape these. things you have to tape them right right. but is your friend filming are you your. friend and what if like you you had the. muzzle to your mouth and the camera's. not even on you. he [ __ ] up in some way you know what I. mean can we do it again yeah yeah he's. he just gets a text message right is the. last thing false.

this is this is absurd it's not as sexy. looking as some of the other ones but. yeah it's it's very intricate look at. that thing. oh my God. did you ever create anything like that. when you were in school did you ever. have to do like like an elaborate. diorama or some [ __ ] like that. remember how did we make those things. for like fares did you ever do like a. school fair you didn't have to do that I. mean we had to I never did it you just. bailed on all that yeah I said [ __ ] it. you were a good kid you did all the. things that you needed to do yeah we one. where you had to like get it drop an egg. off the building and somehow build an.

apparatus to sit so it wouldn't break I. remember that you don't remember that I. never did it everybody had to do that I. never did it you had to make like an egg. pillow so it wouldn't crack no I um then. one of the kids that we went to school. with fell off the building when he was. doing it no yeah fell off and died fell. off and died Humpty Dumpty at your. school that was his name at your school. that's what happened I set her up for. the joke. he had a great fall. it's a good fish that's a good bit. that bit was something Central by the.

way you know what's insane about Humpty. Dumpty wow all the king's horses and All. the King's Men yeah oh my God they went. to go put him to back together again but. it's nuts because what does the king. have to do with this egg guy. and if he cared so much about Eggman why. didn't even let him live in the castle. with him here is this egg guy look at. this poor bastard. yeah he's got to sit on it look at that. [ __ ] guy so the king is relegated. this guy's sitting on a wall all day. being embarrassed in front of the towns. people yeah he at some point he gets. tired and Falls you know he gets he's. not gonna he can't sleep let's be honest.

though let's be honest right what we're. human beings right if there was Eggman. they would be fifth class citizens I. don't know they could be entertain we're. kind of like if we were at a restaurant. we saw egg people we'd be like can we. change tables that's so big of it I'm. just saying are you egg phobic yeah dude. I need a chance you know I mean the. guy's eating an omelette oh he's eating. yeah yeah how is that egg man eating an. omelette that's [ __ ] crazy but if. he's eating bacon is that chill.

yes the greatest band of all time see. even we can even now we can find a way. to get back to the Beatles that's how. good they were that's how good you can. go so obscure about egg people we can. talk about walruses beetles beetles. Strawberry Fields beetles yeah you can. always get back yeah get back to where. you want to go did no no you guys didn't. get that you had to have Pete get that. back I'll get back I said we can always. get back did you mean to do that yes.

you know what that song's about yeah you. know what that song's about don't you. what is it that's in reference to the. police uh. um like Sting. yes no no the police are abusing. abusing black people and immigrants and. saying go back to where you came from oh. [ __ ] yeah yeah. scumbags yes but basically like if I. don't think the king would care if the. Eggman fell timeout why did he send so. many horses and all of his men obviously. he cared about Eggman you think he might.

have been related to him and just look. it was his brother they didn't talk. anymore is the king in Eggman too was. the king in Eggman I don't [ __ ] know. that would be that if they're like eggy. people what if he was half egg he could. be half egg he was ashamed of his egg. half yeah. let's see zoom in on these [ __ ]. lyrics he had a great fall all the case. courses All the King's Men couldn't put. him together again so he was like go try. to fix my brother yeah and they could. never do it. I mean it's impossible to fix a broken. egg it's impossible it's kind of like.

when JFK's head came out it was like you. couldn't scoop that back in yeah. yeah it is. I wouldn't use that you know I mean well. when you see her doing it you're like. what do you she was scooping I know it's. too dark I wasn't there you weren't. there I know but I can't imagine what. Jackie witnessed. I mean what would you do if my. significant other was in the car next to. me and got shot in the head like that. yeah and it's oh first of all I'll never. sleep again no sleeping is no longer a.

thing sleep no more yeah sleep no more. nightmares constantly constant. nightmares day mares I mean you would. have gay bars yeah all day long. so afraid of everything yeah I don't. know how to function if I saw that next. to me no but then wouldn't you and. here's why wouldn't you as Mr Revenge. spend the rest of your life trying to. find the people that did it but they. know but they know that the guy that did. it guys plural the one guy that they. thought that did it didn't really do it. I know he didn't right so there's a dude. and you have to spend the rest of your. life knowing the guys that did it are.

never going to be found never never. because there's the shadowy people oh. the shadowman yeah shadowman dude what. if Humpty Dumpty didn't fall. out there I never thought of that [ __ ] I. think you got pushed bro bro. who pushed Humpty Dumpty Jack Ruby no oh. [ __ ]. that filthy son of a [ __ ] killed two. people or the king did it and it was all. inside jobs oh and the King was like get.

all my men and all my horses and help. yeah the king and dude the king and the. Egg we're smoking a little something. something. [Music]. huh what opium okay no something. something is vague others have suggested. that Humpty Dumpty is King Rich the. third of England who's supposed to have. been humpback and who was defeated at. the Battle of Bosworth field so it's. mocking King Richard III oh. and he's British and you know what that. means what I don't know. something there he is me either he does.

have an egg face go to that picture the. real the realistic looking one to the. left there yes yeah he does have an egg. face that's just a white guy that's what. they look like yeah it's kind of what we. look like yeah that's just a plain old. white guy but his chin is Aggie this is. that's your skin color no his shape is. eggy yeah he's got a like an oval shaped. face well then you're saying Jay Leno. has a [ __ ] you better believe it yeah. he's more scrambled than anything else. yeah yeah. no no I see he's poached uh.

is that what is that the king's skull. yeah that's king that's that's King. Richard the third skull. wow why they kept the skull they always. keep their skulls oh so when Queen. Elizabeth They're Gonna Keep the skull. when she dies she died she's been dead. for 15 years no no not quit the queen. now yeah he's talking she's been dead. for 15 years yeah no she's not he's I. have I am fully in on the conspiracy. theory that she is AI yeah but she's. still alive I think they found a body.

double and manipulated it all right fine. but like the regular people the people. that aren't in Q Anon right I'm not in. queue yeah you do dude your cat's cue. [ __ ]. that's cue [ __ ] dude that's. insurrectionist [ __ ] no no so she's. still alive right she's like 100 euros. I'm In You by the way not q u we're. ahead of Q okay. she's been dead for so long but which. one is you know I know about this huh. the crown. oh the show The Crown yeah whatever I. love that show it's so good it may not.

will not oh my God it's so good the. Crown's amazing I don't support the. British Elvis it's all the dark [ __ ] too. bro it's all the weird dark [ __ ] the. Diana [ __ ] all that dark [ __ ] what about. the incest there was no insults they. skipped over the incest oh they [ __ ]. each other do you mean there's no incest. in the royal family Prince Charles looks. like that not from incest he's just a. [ __ ] up looking dude Google incest in. the royal family the whole they're whole. they're predicated their whole history. is about [ __ ] incest their whole [ __ ]. they [ __ ] each other is the royal. family inbred you better believe it look.

what it says Queen Elizabeth II Prince. Philip do share two common lineages this. would make the most this this would make. the most inbred living British Royals. their children. yeah but if it's like seconds or cousins. it's okay you no it's not it's yeah. thank you it is okay if it's second or. third cousin if you're justifying. something that you did with your cousins. leave it out of the show no I'm not I'm. not doing that I'm defending the people. you [ __ ] one of your cousins no I'm. defending the people that are in love. with their second or third cousin no I'm. not defending these people that's insane. all right but I'm gonna say right now.

okay there's no [ __ ] scientific proof. that if you make love and have a baby. with your third cousin that the baby's. gonna come out of whack. I wish I want to see the scientific. person. baby came out whack and ask can you have. babies with your third cousin I mean you. can and will they come out will they. come out whack and will they come out. whack I feel like they're probably in. short yes it is legal for second and. third cousin to marrying the U.S beyond.

that state laws get a little more. complicated according to the national. account bingo so it's not against the. law 25 States prohibit marriages between. first cousins that's gross that's two. the blood is too thick it's there any. blood is wrong they like the thick blood. that's right. in Arizona the first cousin is marriage. allowed if both parties are 65 or older. and no one and or or one of them is. infertile so they're basically saying if. you're too old to have kids or one of. them can't have kids then you guys might. as well just [ __ ] until you're dead. you're 65. that's why a lot of people. retire to Arizona.

oh wow yeah that's a big retirement. community yeah uh proof of genetic. counseling from a genetic counselor in. Maine all you got to do is prove that. you guys uh know it and are okay with it. Minnesota says only certain types eh. that's so funny what kind of cousins can. get married here well certain types. same thing in [ __ ] Wisconsin another. [ __ ] Scotty said if the woman is 55. or older is permanently sterile only. both parties are 65 or older is the same. thing in Utah wow so you gotta prove.

that you can't have kids yeah what if. you use somebody else's data to prove. you can't have kids just so you can. sneak by the system to have kids with. your cousin and they catch you they put. you in jail it's dope but if you make. love to your first cousin have a kid. would they come out weird yes okay. because I know brother and sister yeah. don't do it if you're thinking about it. don't I don't and none of my cousins are. attractive I don't know yeah none of. them are okay yeah yeah and they've. never met a second cousin. you've never met a second cousin no huh. yeah have you.

yeah is there a second cousin that you. have that's a cute boy no I'm a third. cousin no you wouldn't think it's. something you won't even think about it. they're almost all women okay yeah and. still no. are you the only good looking one no. like I they're I have a truck that's a. yes yeah that sounds like a yes you have. a what I've attractive family members. but I've never thought about wanting to. sure like yeah yeah no you've been. defending it since the jump no I haven't. I'm just saying technically I wouldn't. do it but I I just think that on paper.

through because it wouldn't be weird it. would be I think it'd be this is Sally. my wife she's a third cousin why would. you tell everybody I would have to tell. that people know well then it's weird no. it's because it's not out there I don't. have to Google it can you imagine at a. party yeah hey there's my car this is my. wife Sally hey Sally I'm I'm stabbing. I'm coming yeah. Sally's my third cause immediately I. don't like those people. you're right they're gross you wouldn't. announce it no dude how many people are. on Earth how many humans are on earth. billions yeah billions yeah yeah why do. you need what options why do you need a.

cousin what if you're let me just. propose start driving. go to a new place there are some places. right in Idaho right where they're Rural. right a small community what if it's. like a certain type of religion where. it's like we you know they have their. own cult and your options are slim. uh-huh right you have second and third. cousins running around what are you. gonna do leave yeah leave town there's a. lot of towns but they don't know because. it's like they don't they're not exposed. to television they're not supposed to. what do you mean everybody knows that.

[ __ ] a family member would be wrong. it's like instinctual. yeah and sexuals yeah okay it's insane. it's ancestral essential it's Instinct. it's instinctual right it's Instinct. shot okay you know better I do yeah what. if it what if you made love to somebody. that's your brother or sister but. they're not biological they were adopted. well that's like on every porn site. it's a fact yeah yeah but by the way. they're adopted there's no blood there. that's fine that's that I mean I don't. love the idea so what Woody Allen did.

was fine that's. not true they didn't question it yeah. yeah yeah no he raised that girl that's. gross okay that's gross okay if two. people were raised together I'm just. throwing out ideas I don't believe. anything I say check it out I'm a boy. like my parents my mom remarries and a. guy who and a guy who has a girl uh and. we find each other attractive which I. think happens I'm kind of okay with it. because they did there's no relation. they're just strangers that met in its. proximity yeah but.

if there's any sort of family lineage at. all yeah 80th cousin uh-huh gross okay. what about this scenario gross can I. throw up can I throw it out to you I bet. it's gross it probably isn't go all. right another way I will throw it to you. okay okay I feel like it's gonna be. gross too thank you it's not gonna be. gross all right let's suppose you were. adopted okay okay all right and you. didn't know your family lineage right. and you love your adoptive parents you. have a great life right you go on Tinder.

you meet a guy right you fall on with. this guy right and you start having sex. with a guy you really in love and then. you guys do a you know a DNA yeah and. you know ancestry.com like most third. dates. yeah and you find out your biological. brother that was your brother what would. you do throw up and then. and then I'm out of there yeah that's it. you made the mistake you gotta move on. even if he bags like come on we have. something going yeah I'd be like we're. clearly not meant for each other yeah.

but you swallowed if I come no. insane all right let's flip it on you. yeah yeah because we obviously have a. proper stance on this yeah yeah what. would you do nothing. absolutely nothing are you kidding. you're crazy here you are single you're. back out of the dating scene you date. someone it turns out yeah your mom had a. kid that you didn't know about different. San Diego different dad. same dad. I have the same dad and mom that's it's. your sister okay my biological sister.

that's what you said to her yeah yeah. what don't give me the same scenario I'm. just flipping it to make it seem broader. all right go ahead I hear your mom and. your dad yeah have a girl they get rid. of it already no all right here your mom. [ __ ] a guy yeah yeah who's cool. right and the daughter runs away yeah. and [ __ ] she comes to a show she. doesn't know right you don't know she. doesn't know right you hook up yeah and. she says you know I'm gonna do that. 23andMe thing yeah I already did it oh. yeah and what did you find I found that.

90 Korean 10 Japanese oh cool yeah yeah. I found out that I have like a brother. yeah yeah cool yeah what's your mom's. name Genie. oh my God that was my mom's name yeah. holy [ __ ] where where is she from. okay but where does she live in Southern. California did she live here. she lives in Arizona. wait my mom now lives in Arizona and she. used to live in your biological mom. Poway. I'm from Poway wait a minute we can. still [ __ ].

by the way she's figuring it out trying. to get out of it yeah she's trying to. find a way to stay in it no I'll try to. get it get in Walmart or smash you want. one more time yeah for all time's sake. no I would never it'll be gross you're. right yes. I know we forced you into that yeah you. actually don't find it that gross but. still I'm glad you turned I turned. because you weren't no I wouldn't [ __ ]. come on man dude okay yeah it's kind of. like old boy what it's kind of like old. boy in a way yeah an old boy you see the.

movie Old Boy no oh my God it's one of. the greatest movies ever made. it's it's a Korean movie it's one of the. greatest movies I have the posters. framed in my [ __ ] that is one of the. greatest movies don't tell them because. I got so let me tell you about this. movie. Bill Burr had a birthday party when I. first met him and I brought this movie. on DVD this is back when streaming. wasn't the thing and I gave him this. movie he still talked about this movie. This is the first Korean. Dude that [ __ ] old boy dude. I love when you brought me that movie.

yeah he literally [ __ ] he [ __ ]. said it says that I bought him that it's. please watch this movie I'm gonna watch. it it is. [ __ ] amazing you're in it. well can I say something. 100 the little girl to the right looks. like you. that's Bobby Lee Oh I thought you meant. I was mixing Joy you are Mexican yeah. the guy. he literally is what I want to be. everything about what no no no no I. think that's cool yeah like like I I've.

like literally I literally I'm not. afraid to look older yeah because of. this dude oh because you yeah this good. dude is like my [ __ ] dude that dude in. this movie. he does a scene in this movie and I'm. not gonna tell you what it is and you'll. tell me what it is because you'll know. when you see it does he have a hammer I. know that yeah that scene is so crazy. and it's like if you technically even as. a director and an actor you wouldn't be. able to do it well he's not building. something I can tell yeah you know you. wouldn't be able to do this scene it's.

one shot it's insane imagine he's just. putting together an Ikea desk with a. sandwich. wait wait yeah wait till you see this. movie is so amazing I'm gonna see it and. then can I just tell you the premise or. not no I want to watch it all right let. me watch you wanna watch Elvis watch. Elvis first never [ __ ] that all right by. the way shout out to Bill Burr for. playing Fenway that's insane what was. that Fenway is the baseball stadium that. the Boston Red Sox play in and he he's. playing it right now I think now I think.

he did it last night maybe I have no. idea but do Bill Burr Fenway but he put. up a photo. and it just made me feel so good for him. I [ __ ] he's the best I love him so. much he's better than the best he's the. coolest nicest guy in the world he's the. [ __ ] ever August 21st that was uh. yesterday or today [ __ ] that's right now. wow Fenway Park dude so to him I know. this means nothing to you but to him. I mean dude this is like my your. childhood like for me it'd be like. playing Wrigley Field in Chicago it's. like. it's insane oh my God like Eddie Vedder.

plays [ __ ] Wrigley Field and it's. like doing that look there he is there's. our boy Billy. [Music]. Thomas August 21st there's still a. couple of tickets left. uh come down and listen to my ignorance. as I scream out there uh on the triangle. will you hit inside the park home runs. so proud of him man can you imagine. selling at a baseball stadium where. where where two teams play one man is.

able to sell them tickets where two. teams play yeah that blows my [ __ ] we. sold 200 seats in New York so that's. pretty good no it was I think it was. 116. 116 seats yeah yeah that's pretty. good now we did we sold it 37 000. insane dude I can't even like comprehend. well I don't know if he's sold out I. don't know if that's what the seating. was for stand up but still it's insane. can you imagine if I don't think he sold. 30 but imagine like how many followers. how many how many followers you have on. Instagram well for a concert it's still.

37. 40 how many. whatever everyone here what if all of. them came to see before at one time. I mean that's nuts yeah. by the way we did sell two shows fast in. Gramercy in New York because it was a. pop-up show we didn't know we were going. to do it last minute and we're gonna. we're gonna [ __ ] um we're gonna do a. tour now. thanks for coming. thanks for coming appreciate it hey. thank you guys for everything you've. done for me we're really grateful we.

will do it for the rest of it Karen I. love you we love you I love you guys. come see me and juicy in Salt Lake City. September 9 and 10. honestly like you've. you add something you add something to. the show that's uh pretty cool you've. it's beyond pretty cool it's a [ __ ]. incredible yeah and uh why don't you. thank him for being bad friends and take. us out thank you for being a bad friend. the best. [Music].