Three Hundred Hussies | Ep 10 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

[Music]. [Music]. HIV I said he had HIV oh [ __ ]. HIV look I told you I told you he had.

HIV yeah. to get your attention I got your job let. me just let people know what happened. okay so I'm outside with my dogs you. know having a good day very sunny good. day yeah oh yeah it was after the rain. it was nice. yeah real nice and I get a call from. Redmond over here and he goes I have. something very important to tell you. and I go I'm listening because when you. know when your friend opens up like that. your ears you know yeah yeah my eyes are.

squinty but my ears are squinty but when. I hear stuff that my ears you know yeah. yeah like a cartoon yeah what happened. and you go seriously you know Alex Alex. is our ad guy he works with us at doing. ads for the fryer and he said man Alex. thought he had the coronavirus mm-hmm. right and he went to got tested but they. did some blood work because they found. something abnormal that's not right and.

it came back that he has HIV so he's no. longer our head guy guy he has to go to. Yuma Arizona. umeri yeah yeah you know and to get some. sort of test for the facility is that he. need I don't know that yeah yeah I don't. know that not a real thing so then he. then he talks to me about some other. kind of business yeah yeah so then we. hang up the phone. mm-hmm and I I'm like tears are welling. up in my eyes like I'm shaking yeah you.

mean like yes you right you did tell her. right away guys next to me yeah so I go. to kalila and I go. right and then I tell her the. information but then the tears couple. quickly went away yeah because I wanted. to go play witcher 3 don't you care. about your friends getting HIV for for a. second it was a good eight seconds okay. went down stoop lately adventures in.

caves trying to find the sword that I. want did you find the sword that you. needed no okay and then. kalila Texas me because you know I live. in a very big house so yeah yeah we know. yeah downstairs right Jules we're. killing it and she's not she's just. living there she does live there and. she's gonna get the house when you guys. have to move out when you guys get. evicted aren't you taking over the house. Jules oh yeah she her the [ __ ] out this. is an ungrateful little Phillip she's. going nowhere she's gonna know she's. staying in your house forever she will.

be with you for the rest of time yeah. you know we've been watching 90-day. fiance love it hold on finish your story. all right let me finish the story so so. you're in the basement kalila text you. and says what you [ __ ] idiot he. doesn't have HIV you [ __ ] idiot he. does and he'll call me and he said he. had they him yeah and she goes no he's. just joking so then I called you and. then you laugh my point is is this how. me why would you think I would my point. is is this is this that when you prank.

somebody and you say say stuff like that. at the end of the phone call you go I. was just kidding you don't let it. [ __ ] live how would you not know that. I was kid I wasn't I'm so obvious I was. joking around [ __ ] him right people. no not anymore yeah we know a guy that. has it nobody got in like 86 yes I know. but no one gets it I know he has it now. I've never gave them a hug you won't. touch him no I do I do. do you ever sit oh you don't know you. don't even draw I do my but my point is.

is that would you would you share a. drink with him if he if you were like. could I get a sip of that if he was I. could I get a sip of that I'm really. thirsty would you give him a sip of what. like I've had a coke yeah yeah but no. yeah I'll go yeah here you go. and then you he would give it back and I. would just hold it until he walked away. yeah no seriously a light o laiia get. your attention got it and then I asked. you. the business states not it's not you. know no because when I ask you business. stuff when I ask you stuff about the.

show yeah you go like this ready yeah. you're me I'm you so so call me and be. back to me yeah at all because that's. how you always open 100% yeah and then. what do I say I said you go um give me. any business thing like we need to do. this but so anyway um so the you know. the mics we got to get new mics okay. okay okay okay okay I don't care don't. care I gotta go I gotta go. that's what I do every [ __ ] time do I.

talk like that you do so so if I can't. get your attention if I'd got to talk a. real business thing that I was like he's. never gonna take this serious and it was. a long conversation so I told you that. the ad guy got HIV because I knew would. get your attention but from now on right. now it's any anything right right if. Chris D'Elia. yeah gets in a car accident and you call. me that he's in a pair he's paralyzed. yeah I'd be like haha yeah but I would. laugh - oh yeah let's show they're on it.

D'Elia sent Bobby a video yeah so last. night you know let's play the video let. me explain it first okay last night I'm. having a great day I'm downstairs. playing Witcher 3 just going on and some. adventures trying to find another sword. and I get a text from this piece of [ __ ]. yeah go ahead play it here's what the. LEAs text about me was. my special came out mmm yeah it's.

killing you should do one you know just. get it together you're [ __ ] doing. already yeah but you don't you know and.

you won't because you're a [ __ ] that's. criticize the way he looks though okay. number one Chris D'Elia all right what a. weirdo. okay look at this yet it look at this. though yet another look at his face yet. another goofball tattoo from Chris paper. of another a paper airplane Dom he's. three for three on bad tats right his. lips are like remember that in fit and. phibian if the amphibian character in.

Hellboy oh yeah he has the hit they're. always wet yeah daliyah's lips are. always [ __ ] wet soaked soaked yeah. you know why why cuz he does this all. time yeah it was that what he does all. the time I see him lick his lips all the. time oh that's what he wants wet lips. yeah he wants he wants to be wet lips. let's call him wet lips from now on so. wet lips sent you this text did you text. him back yeah I texted him I'll show you. what I texted him I go because when he. sends me videos this like this all the.

[ __ ] time and I get so angry I don't. know why well he does I just said I'm. gonna hurt you what he said nothing he. never responded. yeah in fact he didn't hurt you then did. ya I mean one time he sent me a video of. aren't my dogs cute so he has two dogs. Jada three I thought he had whatever two. or three dogs running around being cute. but they're running on top of a pile of. money yeah that's hilarious he does. stuff like that he does yeah well he's a.

Richie Rich guy yeah he's the he is he's. secretly probably one of the richest. friends we have don't you think I mean. if I were to guess he's not the richest. no no but I'm saying he's. he's up there though he's up there he's. in the top I think that the richest one. we know is your sebastian by far by far. right that's not even it's not even. close. that's by far the realize white lips see.

what he's got to say about himself if he. can pick up you know this guy yeah there. might be two you've met him before right. yeah. you know Chris yeah do you like him you. like his comedy you don't watch comment. that's [ __ ] in the mic your call has. been forwarded to an automatic voice. message Jules were you talking to Mike. and go hey hey go hey speaking only in. Philippine Filipino and say hey it's me. I've never been a fan of you or your.

comedy oh yeah press 1 for more options. hi Korea sky or say Hmong commit comedy. feral animal now under city to Barbie. I'm emo dong lips okay Dakota Ohio only. a weird guy over honest queer Andrew. camasta okay bye what did you just say.

that Peter Bobby said that you have a. big lips okay good I love you you're the. baby of the day thank you so [ __ ]. good he sent me those weird texts all. the 10 that's where he does his special. did come out very funny very funny does. beg the question Bob huh when's Bobo. gonna do one all right you know what um. we're not doing that right now okay no.

problem we're not doing that right now. we don't have to oh we don't have to you. want to you want to talk about something. that's been bothering you for a while. outside of that which is what the. podcast by ken Jeong and I bothering me. it's not is it bothering you. well you sent me a text that said it's. so [ __ ] annoying that they have a. podcast now and you said I will you said. I hate Joel McHale if you want to go. down this path now I can go down a path. that you. not gonna like as well don't ever roll. your little eyes okay well hold on.

though here yeah yeah we compiled. something we compiled we compiled a. little yeah Bobby Lee or Ken Jeong who. who sent this tweet let's see let's see. how different or close you guys are to. having the same kind of tweet sentiments. because we were looking at the tweets. and I was like hmm maybe they copied us. because you guys have similar tweets. Yeah right all right so yeah let's play. Bobby Lee live or Ken Jeong here we go.

sorry I'll stop the retweets got carried. away. damn you Coke Zero who said that Bobby. or dr. Ken who said that me yeah I. didn't say that I don't like Coke Zero. that's right yeah yeah if any of this is. bad it's all George okay. so tired from my private charter flight. from to New Zealand humble jet lag oh. definitely not me I take Southwest.

Airlines middle seat that's why they. love you yeah I'm addicted to ramen. y'all and [ __ ] it is something that I. would say but I didn't say that you. didn't know yes you did yes you did I. said that April 19th 2014. you said I'm addicted to ramen y'all and. [ __ ] oh [ __ ]. holy [ __ ] I was I was in a psychedelic. ban in my early 20s and I looked like. Pocahontas I'm so glad they kicked.

that's me. is it because I was in the second dollar. bad yeah you were what was the band we. were called Laxton superb you can see a. video on YouTube Laxton superb yeah. we're gonna look that up after we play. this cuz it's you know have you ever. showed anybody that no I don't want to. show people. wait why you just said we can look it up. on YouTube on your own you just told. everybody us oh people listening on all. the fans you can work exactly I know. it's on you to Laxton superb that's what. the band was called yes Wow.

why no I think that's amazing yeah and. what it when he won it was a psychedelic. band that's what I just said from the. tweet read it yeah. was it yes it was huh yeah Eric. Stonestreet I'd rather not talk about it. in public Eric Stonestreet thank god. there's a private direct message and not. a tweet that's definitely Ken Jeong. why because he's friends with I wouldn't. I don't think I would say something like. that I would be a little bit more crass. than that I wasn't sure yeah are you. sure yeah.

look at me yeah you sure yeah okay. you're right. yep what would you have said I would. have said you you [ __ ] fat [ __ ] you. know me something yeah dear Miley Cyrus. I love you deeply but passing on Mariah. for meetcha was a criminal by Azmi you. sure 100% because I'm a huge fan of the. voice so is he. yep I'm a huge like I follow them we've. had people on the voice on time no no I. know but wait a minute you you do you. still talk to Mariah for Mika I don't.

know her she was just on the show but. you tweeted or did she not return that. tweet do you know what's so [ __ ]. [ __ ] up some of them knew but some of. them don't like III like American Idol. as well yeah sure and so I'll follow. somebody for what about her voice I both. what about the newest one yeah I'm. watching the newest one yeah it's good. it's okay yeah. the Songwriters one wouldn't be the. songwriters one way the two they pair up. songwriters with uh do you know I'm. talking about you're talking about. American Idol no dude they have a brand. new one there's a brand new show where. it's like they walk in it had the voice.

then or a melody I know it's a brand new. show but is from the same people okay. what's it called. okay and yeah we done with this portion. or clothes I playing the new Christiano. game heads up on my iPhone this game is. addicting no that's not me you sure yeah. I wouldn't I play that where's Kim yeah. this is what I look all right before I. transform into a mermaid me look at my. body ken doesn't look like that I know. what ken has golems Bob George did not. blur this will. that's how pixelated is a yeah yeah it's. you yeah. Wow though you look good thank you now.

is this one of the tubs where you put. jizz on the side yep sure is this guy. roofied me and I welcome an abandoned. building downtown wearing my Genghis. Khan outfit that's me for sure because I. know that that's uh Andrew W K that is. yeah yeah what was that from one of his. music videos you know something like. that yeah very bummed for Shante left. chili peppers again. probably greatest guitars in the past. ten years Billboard Music Awards it's. not me damn George did not do a good. enough job. I'm gonna quit comedy also cheater. Santino's my favorite comedian That's.

not me for sure 100% that one is my. favorite that one's my literal favorite. god damn I love that so much at that. actually we'll wait that came out when. told you lied 1224 k said that out loud. I'm gonna quit comedy also cheater. sentence my favorite comedian I bet you. you don't remember this night do you do. you remember the night oh yeah yeah you. left your phone open at the store yeah. we were sitting at the booths yeah I. mean at the at midsi's take chairs yeah.

and the bucket seats you went up on. stage and left your phone on the table. uh-huh I unlocked I immediately went to. Twitter and tweeted that close your. phone put it back down wait did I know. that you had done that no I don't well. yeah I think afterwards we had talked. about it oh really. cuz you'd open your Twitter and you'd. been like what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] is. is and you didn't delete it. oh so you did that yeah I didn't do that. technically you did I guess yeah yes but. you know I'll be honest with you yeah. there was a time where I would probably.

think that you were my favorite comedian. well we owe thanks in the past no I. remember when well here well here's let. me give you let me give you some honest. reference to this yeah you were talking. you were being very negative me like I'm. gonna quit I want to quit you weren't. feeling good you were in a bad mood that. night is that that 2014 was a really bad. year for me well so you skip cent you. kept saying I'm gonna quit comedy yeah. and I was like you're not gonna [ __ ]. work you're not gonna quit Bob and you. kept saying yes I am I'm gonna quit yeah. yeah so when you kept saying that and. you left your phone and went onstage I.

tweeted I was just gonna tweet I'm gonna. quit comedy and I was gonna say should I. cuz I wanted you to see people go no. [ __ ] no that's insane. right but then I just I'm gonna quit. comedy and then yeah well thank you for. saying that. no because I remember when I talked here. yeah it was a [ __ ] tough year man. that was a really bad year 2014 why why. should why 14 I was in relationship with. kalila it was a first year maybe of. being a relationship with her mm-hm. and I had nothing going on I couldn't.

get any auditions I had nothing really. going on work was bad the road was half. the. were filled Wow some places that would. go I would sell like a hundred seats out. of like a 350 Rio. yeah for her room and then I would have. to go you know you know how you show up. to a I don't not now but at that time. you'd have to show up to a gig and then. go in the manager's office and go what. can we do can we just give away two. please and please I even remember it. vividly yeah I remember feeling I. remember showing up yeah and doing that.

thing where I walk right into the green. room I don't say I don't say anything to. anybody. yeah and somebody comes in like Ari I'm. like I'm good sorry about that I. immediately say sorry me too and the. server's always were like it's okay it's. not that's [ __ ] we're fine this is. fine this is yeah and then they do this. thing where they go this is like this. Thursday this is like this is what it's. like on Thursday they'd see that all the. [ __ ] time and they're just trying to. be nice to you because they know that it. hurts or I know although they'll tell. you a pass comic that's good they'll go. you know you know who did really bad on. Thursday yeah they'll do that move right. but but I remember those it will never.

leave my chest so that was happening a. lot in 14 oh my god and they would and. then also at the end of the week was the. worst where they were it's payday. boy you get the cheque yeah and it's. like the justifications they bring up. these paper you're the paper yeah. they're like here's how bad you do yeah. and and they give you the numbers and. the breakdown right so that means so. Friday night we had to comp this many. and this and that anyway at long story. short here's your five dollar check and. then you know you had been there for a. week yeah right and you're like kind of.

shaking eagle thanks for the opportunity. it's a some [ __ ] Alyssa yeah and you. look like a dummy you look like a dummy. and then you the flight home is always. like the most depressing thing oh do. that night that night sucks because I go. back to the hotel I'll probably have. some to eat or drink and then just sit. around thinking about how do I want to. keep doing this yeah you do you really. go do I want to keep doing this thing is. this worth it to keep going to these. places that but but but was the worst. show III can remember with you I went to.

Foxwoods casino I've ever been played. there oh yeah right I was in [ __ ] why. did a one time yeah and I had a show so. not round anymore right I don't know. yeah I did I did a show so bad where. there's a curtain I went behind the. curtain I laid on my back. remember crying during the show no after. the show and I could hear the audience. leave and I was laying bet they're just. [ __ ] crying yeah yeah it was that. painful so [ __ ] pain I mean I've.

talked I've talked about so many of them. I there was you know I'm not gonna say. the name of the [ __ ] club but with. the you know without yeah I don't give a. [ __ ] I was at yeah which one I don't. want to say because the people that run. are so nice yeah. well you just said the club oh that's. true yeah yeah so one of some shows I. can get this I can go you know you don't. have I don't get a door deal but just. get give me ten grand mm-hmm for the.

week mm-hmm this is what I used to do. and sometimes they would go all right. right and at the end of the week there. is these two old couple an old couple. that run that's been doing it for years. sure and you can tell that they're. distraught and then the man is like. giving me the cheque but his hand. shaking what do you mean like he's upset. that he's like shaking you don't give me. anything here you go I go what's wrong I. wish it I wish I'd never said that yeah.

you should just take images we just we. we just thought you would do better and. we were just really hitting we're losing. a lot of money on this one and I go and. then how do you how do you take it from. them did you take it no I would have. taken it no no because they were so like. they were older so what did you do you. walked home with no no no I go I go what. just rewrite the check give me five. that's really nice and they go oh my god.

you're a mensch and added Google what. meant Ament I remember that what's. Mensch mean you never heard that no you. thought it was a racial slur yeah [ __ ]. and in Jerusalem gone for me yeah I'll. be that I'll be the guy mm-hmm yeah you. know young man oh are you shaking there. is are you okay or nice it's like a. medical condition man there's the check. no we're just very upset because uh. we're taking a really big hit on the son.

and we thought we did. man yeah thanks for the time dude. appreciate you guys that's gone really. why I don't think you would do that yeah. I wouldn't take I would take the check. when somebody's visibly distraught and. you can and you can test places make a. ton of money not this one this is at a. Holiday Inn mm-hmm haul it in why do. they agree they thought they were gonna. make way more money yeah because you. know at the time nah I was this not my.

business okay but let me get [ __ ] so. much we get [ __ ] so much so I I don't. care I'm just oh sorry. okay it's you know a lot of people go. thought at the time that Bobbi was on a. show MADtv for eight years yeah we don't. really know his numbers on the road but. we just make assumptions that he's gonna. sell a certain amount of tickets of. course right I'm doing well now because.

of the podcasting and because there's. just been just a you know um because. people want to see you're Greinke yeah. yeah yeah it's just a different agent. set that number why doesn't matter dude. that we're still human [ __ ] beings. and I you know I got I I get it the only. way I agree with you here cuz I have a. heart too is if it's a mom-and-pop place. but if it's a corporate place I don't. [ __ ] care. they make tons of money on the bottom. mom and pop it's not a corporate all. right so that's I give that credit then.

okay good cuz if the it was the improv. [ __ ] you wouldn't give a [ __ ] yeah yeah. bunny bone [ __ ] you there's a milk yeah. yeah when it's a big corp if it's a. mom-and-pop cuz I have family relations. with families that I still love that I. work with them on the numbers yeah. but the problem is so many times. corporate clubs [ __ ] us when we were. young how many times did you get [ __ ]. when you were young by big corporate. clubs and they gave you no money or. you're like this is how much I thought. we said this is how much that's so money. I mean there are search clubs today that. when my my agent goes do you want to.

play the city I'll go no no [ __ ] that. and they'll go why because I know what. they're gonna do because I sold out. right and then they're gonna go here's. $1500 yeah and then you go and then they. go sold out and then they go no I mean I. think there was some tickets we're not. yeah. don't know if it was all the way and I. know people going will 1500 owes a lot. of money you have to understand that you. know we fly it ourselves there we're. there for three or four days right and. our agents take 20-25 percent whatever. your deal is Yeah right.

with taxes you're making six seven. hundred bucks it's just not worth it no. you walk away walk away broke people. people don't really bro yeah because all. your money has gone through either taxes. and agents payouts and your and your. living not at home so you're eating out. every day you're not it's not like. you're cooking food yeah then you go. back to your [ __ ] hotel and I also. want to say this is that people go whoa. you comedians get paid a lot you have to. understand that for the first ten years. yeah I did thousands and thousands and. thousands of shows for knowing nothing. no money for nothing I lived with nine.

dudes in a one-bedroom apartment in. Silver Lake. for years yeah and we've had that we've. had to grind it out just to get a meal a. day I mean I went through it so when. people try to you know go well you're. not grateful it's like go [ __ ] yourself. no you're very grateful now you're very. great yeah yeah because you lived. through the thing to get to the place. why hey the common issue that almost. every man faces nobody wants to talk. about it think long and hard whoa. 40% of men by 40 or not be able to get.

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your first order free shipping a hundred. percent satisfaction guarantee go to. meet undies dot-com / that's right. that's me undies comm slash we love it. what's the first time you [ __ ] uh when. I was 28. no you're 20 years old with the first. time you [ __ ] yeah. 28 when I lost my virginity how because. I was afraid of sex until then so I. dry-humped I only would dry hump really. yeah so you would do like highschool.

moves at in your 20s because I was. scared of sex so I would do I would say. would you mind if we could take our. pants I'm gonna be don't laugh at me I. would say joy. so I would say could you take your I. went out we would take our pants off and. I'd say leave your underwear on and I'd. leave my underwear on and I just would. kiss and I'd grind it but I do dry hump. that you would come through the. underwear I've come on any underwear all. over it and I usually go home with what.

was the first time you fought bed when I. was 28 so what happened can we give you. this a situation first time I [ __ ]. yeah. Craigslist I ordered a girl off Craig's. are you lying right now yes I know you. are I was 15 you [ __ ] [ __ ] but the. first time by the way - but the first. time I do remember busting a nut with a. girl was a dry hump yeah when I was 12. or 13 mmm and holy [ __ ] felt good oh my. god yeah I was soaked and my joke didn't.

come. yeah and I walked home with my [ __ ]. soaked underwear and it was like the. best moment of my life the best sex I. thought that was the pin I was like this. is it and then you feel sex for real and. you're like well this is gonna ruin my. life make my group the best sex I've had. it was with my girlfriend kalila but the. second the best sex I've ever had was in. Beirut really never tell you that story. oh so this is crazy so I go to Beirut. with Sebastian Maniscalco yeah for the.

troops and Erik Griffin no we did shows. for it I'm not kidding you Hezbollah. when was this. years ago yeah yeah but so we did this. whole run in for Sebastian was Sebastian. oh yeah yeah. no one knew who the guy at the store it. was the guy at the store and Erik. Griffin was just this fat black I know. you both very funny. yeah many years ago and but we had done. this [ __ ] in Middle East run so I don't.

know if you know this but in the Middle. East if you go on the internet and try. to download porn you can't they block it. yeah yeah right so then it's like and. I've always masturbated through. pornography yeah so I for a month. I didn't masturbate at all he just I. couldn't so just and then I kept saying. to the tour guys ago when are we going. to Beirut because I knew that I could. have a process you'd have free. there yeah and there soon three weeks I. would like to have a calendar and just.

be on the market and then we go to. Beirut and so we go and there's this guy. named Camille and he's like our friend. and he's running the shows right right. like promoting it you know through his. production company or whatever and he. lived in this gigantic white mansion as. soon as we walked in there was like. goosies on the table. no I'm not kidding I love this right and. then like um on the corner of this. [ __ ] place. Danny Masterson is eating spaghetti what.

yeah why his brother. I remember this this like Illuminati. [ __ ] is crazy right wait why how do they. guys there because he's since he has a. production company they're also doing a. rave or something like that and Danny. Masterson's deejaying. oh okay so they hired him to come right. okay it's not like he's Hezbollah well. no we're all just there right because of. this guy sure so I go right as a Camilla. and I'm just like shaking and I'm like.

[Laughter]. oh you want to go yeah yeah and he goes. um super disco well that's what he says. to me. super disco super disco I go what the. [ __ ] is a super disco and he goes that's. where the prostitutes are oh and I go. well can we go now. you think no we gotta go an hour into. the desert Yeah right.

so I go when when he goes tomorrow we'll. go we'll go to super disco and then. Masterson goes I want to go I'm not. gonna help ya he's not that way but he. they just wanted to check it out I would. want to check it out yeah he just wanted. to check it out yeah I want to see it he. wanted to see it yeah but he didn't do. anything with his brother so we so we if. you're in Beirut every other Street. there's a tank right yeah yeah a 12 year. old with a machine gun. yeah yeah right and then you have stop. and then it's like you got you know.

passports papers yeah and all that stuff. yeah so you're going out there you're. going out there takes forever to get out. there you got in the desert and all of a. sudden you see these three buildings. they look like skyscape scrapers in the. middle of the desk in the middle of the. desert and above them is like these like. you know like circus you know like. circus circus like it's a super disco. button let in that kind of font yeah. right yeah and then like bright lights. you're a bright light yeah and we go and. we go downstairs and it's like you know.

I've ever been to it like a shitty. theater where it's like just black they. have no you know I mean there's no set. decorating it yeah black box black box. theater yeah black box the theater right. that's what it looked like in the. basement of this beauty the building is. beautiful its basement it's black you. know mean and maybe a couple of like you. know those 70 is like just disco ball. yeah right and it's like this music is. playing and the women are just walking. in a circle.

they're just yeah they're just wandering. around just pretending that they're not. partying but you could tell that they're. just sex slaves slaves yeah second. living right and also they didn't to me. I was just like this is too sad it was. Vette sounds [ __ ] prison. yeah so so you so then I go to Camilla I. don't know these are a happier place. like a super super disco any good no no. dude i I know I know the girl I know I.

may never find another girl okay so he. disappears right he comes back with this. Moroccan lady right her name is Julia. but she looked like a dark Julia Roberts. no I'm being serious as soon as I saw. her my dick just yeah I mean yeah like. this right and like a little juice. squirted out the top yeah yeah it was. like oh and he goes this is Julia and I.

go you know it's just you know when. women first see me they make a face yeah. yeah they go like that make sense yeah. yes so um what do we do now or I don't. have the word you know and he goes no. you gotta come back tomorrow what you. check this out. you gotta come back tomorrow and you. gotta take her on a date if you take a. process. dude on a date I don't know rocky knees. or [ __ ] right because it's not really a.

[ __ ] it's just illegal right so you. have to just show up here right go. through the motions of it and but it's. gonna I go ok so I wake up the next day. and I go come here let's go you guys. know you're going on your own how to the. super disco by yeah an hour in the. desert by myself nope I go myself you. guys don't look at this piece of paper. so he puts a piece of it right on the. top it says Julia - OH - Johnny said it.

was okay that's what it said Johnny said. it was okay well Johnny said it was okay. I go who's Johnny. he goes don't worry about it just give. him the paper mm-hmm so I go in the cab. I remember this at this cab driver. II got a you want to see minut that do I. go yeah he pulls up his shirt it's a. full-blown. Adolf Hitler tattoo. shut up on his [ __ ] stomach in Beirut.

in Beirut had a [ __ ] head Hitler. doing this sig hi Ida. I have no idea why so I'm scared and. then now feel safe for some reason and. also in every stop point yeah right it's. harder because I don't know the language. it's not like Camille could talk to. these people yeah so it's just it just. takes longer would you have to keep. saying super disco no I didn't say any. you can't say that so what does the taxi. guy does it yeah he's like you know he's. gonna go visit I don't know what he's. saying right yeah yeah yeah yeah. so we go out there and the cat attacks.

it's during the day now it looks. completely different. oh it's just desert and just like 1970s. Soviet looking buildings oh my god and. he drops me up and he goes he just. drives away yeah he knows right I go. what the [ __ ] and I walk in there and. there's a table a long wooden table off. to the side and there's probably about. ten Russian dudes Russian right drinking.

Turkish coffee smoking cigars and they. all have the the guns oh yeah yeah right. yeah. and there just as soon as I walk in they. go they just stare and I'm shaking. Andrew the papers just yeah yeah right. and I go to the front desk and in there. was a doorway like that right yeah you. know how in the doorway something does. it have those like there's we beat yeah. you are whatever to be [ __ ] hate oh. yeah so this July I got a Russian twice. the size of these guys walks through.

this [ __ ] thing what do you want. who's also Dracula and I go oh Julia -. to Johnny said it was okay that's what. he said right. and he goes who's Johnny yeah and that. good question and I ran out of the. [ __ ] building. what yeah and I called Camille because.

he had we these a makeshift like. throwaway phones right right right. burner phone burner phones Oh Johnny. Johnny there's a [ __ ] Johnny dude he's. my friend. go back in there we're gonna fight I'm. not going back in there so I go back in. there but now the guys still behind the. counter huge huge and these guys are. just staring at me yeah and I go back. and I go yeah and he looks at me he goes.

[Laughter]. everyone's laughing right and I'm. laughing he goes here's your keys right. Kamille took care of it you know every. single range only paid yeah he paid for. it and he goes and he gave me two remote.

controls one for the air remember one. for the air conditioning and one for. this the TV remote I know it's weird. they don't leave him in the room no they. don't so I have two remotes and then I. have keys. I go to room 202 and it literally is. like you know the set this the the room. look like Munich 1972 I mean. just 70's like giraffe but drowned not. only just oh it but very like the Soviet. seventies yeah weird yeah yeah.

uncomfortable very Anka the TV was like. I didn't even know how to turn it on it. was so old. yeah the remote wasn't for the TV yeah I. don't know what it was for and i sat. there on this couch just waiting for. this girl and I waited there public for. an hour and a half she wasn't in the. room. No so you just sat in like a satiric. just just I looked around a bit right I. looked outside you just desert what do. you do back then there's no phones you. know playing on a phone no that no I had. a makeshift as I'm saying so you just.

sit in silence just sat there and then. um I get a knock on the door and she. comes in huh. and um she doesn't speak English. of course and she just goes she's grabs. my hand should we just sit on the couch. I'm just sitting there I don't know what. to say and then she starts licking. kissing my neck right and then I'm not. kidding you out of my dick you came. already a little bit let me imagine a.

month right yes right I could you could. hear it like that right yeah and she. goes okay come on you know she's. probably over the bed and she has. condoms out of this purse right the. condom on and you put it on for you yeah. okay and she's beautiful she's hot yeah. you should have asked Rudy to leave the. room like an hour ago. okay cuz koala knows a story you okay.

with it you judge me for it. alright don't be don't be judgy okay. alright she's tired from school yeah. she's trying to learn as soon as I stick. it in I calm what yeah I go oh right. away right away soaked okay that's good. let's you know I mean she's no no flower. he paid for for know usually for some. reason you have to be there because of. this dating thing for a certain amount. of time right otherwise they know it's a.

prostitute right right. for hours because she goes but we could. go anywhere you want so you can just. keep doing it yes so you did like 12. times. really oh my god did you love it oh it. was the best for $200 that's all it was. yes oh my god oh my god. so you just kept going you kept going I. mean it by the 12th one you know I mean. for advising the rock if you know Visine.

drop comes in yeah yeah that's when your. dick is like yeah so wait a minute how. do you say goodbye. I don't you just got up and left yeah I. just got put my clothes off bye-bye well. you give him a look like and then you. hey you'll never forgive me I'm the guy. that comes right away rake rake on baby. I want to just say this right now I use. my rake ons more than any other earbud. device Bluetooth device is so slick it.

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right really yeah it makes me smell real. I'm being real because I was like you. have to take this home and use it I. promise you like what and then when I. use it so we are Buffy fans for life. trust me it's nice and compact and thin. it doesn't feel like you're in a heavy. comforter Bob and I wanted to. temperatures you will eventually sweat. yeah I only three in the morning always. Swiss one it does not you don't sweat no. it's you go man it's softer than cotton. it's more earth friendly consumes ten. times less water than most forms that. would go into betting that in sales has. 20,000 five-star reviews guys and Bob.

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have yeah why do you lie I've had three. of them you have three at once. are you lying because and because of the. HIV thing and because you've lied a. couple of times on this podcast are you. being honest for real how about this. from now on. especially on this specific podcast. please don't um lie because I want to be. real I got a hand job in college from a. prostitute that's it yeah I never had. sex I'm so scared to have sex mmm that's. a scary thing for me any gay experiences.

it was the [ __ ] from the prostitute. it was a guy no for real I did get a. [ __ ] from a prostitute at college at. a party then you paid them yeah I was so. sad I was like a frat boy party type of. [ __ ] and she was like a dancer they. hired a girl to come dance right yeah. and a buddy was like if you give her. like 20 bucks she'll jerk you off and I. was like [ __ ] you yeah it's like I swear. to god yeah so like.

joking around joking around dancing with. me doing a dance yeah you know we're. tipping her like she's a stripper even. though we have like nine dollars to our. name mm-hmm. I sent my buddy said if I give you 20. bucks that you can help me out and she's. like oh yeah right now oh wow Wow. it was like uh not in front of everyone. she's like okay whatever what do you. want yeah I was like oh I don't maybe. it's in the bathroom so I go to the. bathroom and I sat on the toilet I was. super nervous this is so [ __ ] gross I.

found this story I sat on the toilet. I just told you yeah but it's a favor. but yours is fun and mine sad that's. both sad well here we go yeah I sat on. the toilet yeah and she's like mmm go on. the sink like sit on the sink I send. this thing can I pull my pants down yeah. and she goes to give me a [ __ ] and I. stopped her I didn't want she was how. many dicks that she sucked that night I. don't know I got nervous can you get. aids from a [ __ ]. can you I don't think you can maybe I.

think it's like 1% or well I didn't want. to be the 1% I don't want to be the one. guy that was like mom dad okay I got age. from a blow job at a hooker at school. yeah I think about that funeral I know. he was a good man what year was it - hmm. 2003 oh yeah what are you gonna survive. yeah yeah we had medication you could. thicken the Michael Hill nervous. what's that magic Johnson [ __ ] [ __ ].

money he had money oh if that's true. so I just said do you mind can you what. if you I my friend said you'll jerk me. off yeah and she was like oh okay. whatever she couldn't have cared less. yeah so she started pulling on my dick. yeah no condom lizard condom on No. okay no that's why I got nervous I. didn't the [ __ ] oh she's just pulling. on me pulling on me pulling on me and I. was so in my head nervous yeah I you. didn't come. I went soft oh that's the saddest story. get ready she kept going she just kept.

pulling on it soft for like maybe four. or five minutes that's so and then I. said I gotta go I have to I have to go. after God that's your story. that was my ho prostitute story. it's a saddest story I've ever heard. there's no ending I there was I left I. know but that's not it's like a soft. ending it was very soft yeah it's like. you asked if you wanted to know it's. like the movies Sixth Sense without. revealing that Bruce Willis was dead the.

whole time she's dead now if that helps. the process yeah yeah Wow the only one. time you've had it yeah that's such a. scary idea really you're not scared. you're not scared of it you know it's. funny um you know when I show many. penises so many penises they've had yeah. but if you protect yourself it's like. you know I know I just you know I want I. want to be the only bell at the ball. listen I I understand I listen you there. are times what I do think back at my.

life and go why did you behave like that. no I don't want to punish myself for. seedy behavior Yeah right. I don't really but you know there is of. some shame associated to it because like. Alex I'll tell a story at a pot on a. podcast and I can read the room yeah in. the room going Oh yummy and then me. going oh my god I'm I am a weird guy huh. yeah yeah I'm a weird guy yeah but it's. a good thing I don't you know it's we.

wouldn't had that Beirut story and we. would have just had a story about a guy. getting jerked off in a frat I know his. penis went soft but you know you know. how much that hurt my feelings. I thought from that day forward I was. never getting an erection again I went. soft while a good-looking girl tugged on. my penis yeah I got so scared yeah but. you know I understood because we really. had trouble in and pressure I was so. scared yeah you need me sometimes you. want to be relaxed. and she wasn't even looking at me while. she was doing it which was even more. weird yeah I mean I have to justify my. Beirut thing I don't know if I would. have done that if I was able to jerk off.

but I couldn't remember but for a month. over a month yeah right so it was just. all pinned up in me and I you know I. felt so much peer pressure for me it was. more peer pressure yeah like it would be. cool to get a do I've lost my erection. from the prostitutes all the time oh. really like nine times in my life okay. what's your total prostitute number me. yeah be honest on as close as you can. mentally because I know you probably. forget. I went I'm gonna give you the most. honest answer I can I usually I.

exaggerate yeah right i fumble the. number numbers or you know yeah. over 300 what prostitute not sexual. partners women that you paid for sex. yeah and I don't mean 300 times I mean. 300 different women yeah huh-huh that's. a lot that's uh that's a fair amount. it's not a lot no I think that's a lot.

of that it's not now 300 times 300 I. understand the English language so I. don't mean dick I don't mean how many. times yet like I understand the English. language and I'm telling you right now. I've had sex with. what are you googling what the [ __ ] you. googling well uh what's the average. amount of prostitutes men get percentage.

of men by comedy country who pay for sex. just because I want to see the average I. mean Cambodia is killing it killing it. yeah Wow. the show United States ranks three four. five six seventh and about about 20% of. men here get prostitutes eighty percent. of men and Cambodia get prostitutes in. what'swhat's the listen but I want to. know the national average of number of. prostitutes per man Cambodia men are.

quite ready to admit they seek the. favors of prostitutes let's see what the. United States says down here why are we. doing this I just it's like I try to I'm. honest with you and then now you're. gonna rub it in my [ __ ] face I'm. curious to know if that's an if that's. how I was trying to be uh I'm just. honest with you okay how much so how. much money do you think you spent I. don't dozens of thousands and thousands. of dollars problem what's the average. cost of a process I want to say this. okay that I don't look like you what's.

the average I don't look it to me right. now. you're white piece of [ __ ] yeah me I. don't look like you. you know I grew up you know I'm older. than okay what's the average cost of a. prostitute 2006 it was about 340 14 it. was 260 I guess that's not that bad. so you haven't spend that much what's. the most you spent well there was a girl. in Vegas that I'd spent a thousand a pop.

a thousand per time mm-hmm how many. times did you pop 12 times probably it's. over a series of six seven years yeah. oh so every time you went to Vegas you. would go that's you'd see her yeah and. you gave her around 12 grand. maybe hmm that's not mom yeah if you got. it you got it I mean that's just a. little bit more than the go bananas guy. gave you I guess yeah that's why you.

know but look at me look at me when I. say that I don't give a [ __ ] look at me. yeah I'm not judging I don't care it's. fine I'm just I didn't know three 300. sounds like a lot yeah it just sounds. like a lot it may not be a lot but okay. I'm 48. yeah all right and also you have to. understand that if you've been doing it. for 20 years when I was in in in the 80s. right when I was a young man all right I. graduated high school in 1990 Wow I was. in all these unrequited love situations.

where I would have a crush on a girl I. would do everything I can for them to. like me I would stay in these like. friendships with them for like six. months to a year even they would Danny. another dude and I stick around hate. that and be there you know be their. friend and supportive meanwhile I'm so. jealous and I don't know what to do. because I'm and I feel so um I had this. negative image of me sexually I just. when I looked in the mirror I didn't get. who I was I like that that's me I said. oh so my point is I I can name you the.

women Ashley Brown Rebecca Dreskin and. Abby elderness I was just in these. relationships where it's just like they. I was in a room with a girl while she. was [ __ ] another guy at a party and I. loved her cooking yeah did you watch. yeah did you let her watch I was just in. laying down next to them. what she [ __ ] you know said that's who. I was you laid down next to her and she. had said on another bed but like it was. in the same room and I remember. pretending to sleep and she I know that.

she's [ __ ] this other guy Wow right. and so when you're in these and so you. know listen to the whole thing you. didn't say anything when I watch a movie. I'll watch the complete movie even if I. don't like it this is a really sad much. I saw trolls that cartoon movie was what. a good film and at any point during the. movie did a troll [ __ ] another troll in. front of another case yeah so you had. all this oh you know Ramage yeah and. also I had this poor self-image I was.

sober yeah you know I was in going to a. meetings and you know the first woman. woman to ever had sex with me really. that wanted to have sex with me is when. I was 23 I had prostitutes before that. when I was 17 I've been doing that but I. remembered it distinctly. I was during at The Comedy Store La. Jolla time out the prostitutes before. that were Tijuana yeah yeah go ahead I.

just wanna graph is this you know I feel. like this is I feel so shameful about. this whole thing why you shouldn't feel. any shame but I know what is I've talked. about it before it's way back there it's. in the past who cares okay I remember it. I was Doering on a Saturday night yeah. and there was a white chick in the front. row and it back then if you were a. doorman at the Comedy Store on a. Saturday you get to host one of the. shows right to door men I think I still. do that I don't they might yeah but um.

so I always did the second show and I. remember having a that was a new comic. but I accidentally had a really good set. and then it was when Princess Diana died. oh how fun I was so good and there was a. girl that was visibly a beautiful girl. that was visibly shaken by Princess. Diana she was crying. oh sure why are you crying you know when. the showroom is leaving right because I. had to close out the show so imagine. she's in the front row I get offstage.

the show rooms getting up and we just. kind of get bundled together. Charcot why you crying she's died thing. is really and I go oh I hope you have I. rubbed her back and I said I hope you. have a good you know mean now I hope you. feel better you know like some insel. [ __ ] mm-hmm desperate [ __ ] yeah. you're right yeah and then I'm [ __ ]. cleaning toilets you know I mean. afterwards yeah at the store just with a. mop.

you know man and Fred burns lay these. are matters or the club I go what your. phone call and I go hello and she goes. hey how was that girl um that was that. you said about the princess diet I go. yeah did you lose it oh your wallet what. what do you not um you want to hook up I. go what what do you mean a job offer. like I had no idea right and the next. thing I know two days later I'm 69.

hanger and her mom's closet in Oceanside. California. I'm literally her ass I'm eating her. [ __ ] right how funny I'm in a closet. and I'm looking up and couldn't believe. it. how old are you 23 Wow and then from. then on right I used so that's when all. that prostitution stopped for me when. you got a real girl no when I started. doing stand-up right you know and that. one stand-up happened like you know I. did frank caliendo's podcast yesterday. in a bunch of guys were like you always.

got hot chicks yeah since I've been. doing stand-up right before that no. before because I didn't have a voice or. it had no confidence I don't know who I. was always with this weird Korean dude. you don't mean the way I talk the way I. am imagine not having comedy you know I. mean as your backup at your foundation. and just me be me but being a busboy at. PF Changs. you'd be like that's unfuckable [ __ ]. yeah but every but every someone's for. everybody you see some really ugly.

people they said I'm not ugly I'm cute. as [ __ ] but my point is is that you said. you felt I felt it but then by doing. comedy and then you know you know when. you get successful and things happen you. slowly have a different image of. yourself right and then all of a sudden. I honestly feel as sexy. Chris D'Elia or anybody else you do I do. your sex level is as high as that guys. no not in terms of ratio you know mean.

but what I'm saying in terms of how I. feel about myself yeah is like that. that's great I don't I don't look in the. mirror and go anymore like oh look at. this [ __ ] weirdo I go yeah you go. [ __ ] yeah yeah Wow and that's over. that's because for over 20 years I've. been doing this that's a great place to. be and I've built my confidence up and. I've um you know you feel you feel super. you feel comfortable that's what it is. which is comfortable I feel like but you.

ever look at kalila naked when you're. naked yeah get out of here she can't. hear this stuff you can do you guys ever. see each other naked you ever look at. her naked and you're like wow and then. do you ever have a moment of like oh boy. oh boy one cuz you look at you and you. know just different never never she's in. phenomenal shape no I mean I'll the. other day I like she wasn't there but I. was erect I just pulled my dick out in. front of her she didn't the broad. daylight right you know man right. what did she I sent you the photo right.

I do remember that she sent me the photo. too I know she did yeah you both you. both sent me the photo look and I was I. wasn't criticizing the prostitute thank. you I'd like to know if the fans want to. answer how many prostitutes they've had. that'd be kind of nice water I don't. advocate I don't advocate anybody doing. that Yeah right but you know why not but. be if you're in unrequited relationships. all the time yeah right and you in and. sex becomes especially when you're a. young man in your early 20s and it.

becomes you know mean such a you you you. build it up right yeah and you make it. like you know your number one priority. it's the only thing that matters right. what I did was I somebody or this old. guy once told me that prostitution is a. launching pad I think Oh prostitution is. a launching pad yeah I feel like that. phrase isn't over it is over yeah I know. I mean it's I know I go I asked him then.

he goes yeah just because. you know once you started having sex. right it doesn't become as important. right and it'll ease you into you know. mean other relationship you'll be more. comfortable more comfortable basically. it's training wheels yeah yeah it's also. arm you know you think if you're already. having it yeah right then it doesn't. become as you know mean did you ever. fall in love with a prostitute. did you ever catch feelings no you never.

caught feelings once no never once did. you go man I really actually kind of. like this girl no wow no did they ever. catch feelings for you do you ever have. one that was like kind of attached to. you and wanted to see you a lot I've had. women that should be prostitutes and. feelings for me yeah yeah I've had some. weird really weird [ __ ] man yeah yeah. like like I can't see her name part.

there was this girl that used to work at. the column just like hang out at the. Comedy Store. mm-hm and like for years I hit on her. when I was around know. okay before your time and then the time. I hooked up with her she bit my [ __ ]. thigh so hard while she was but like. after she was blowing you like she was. kissing me and then she just bit me not. so [ __ ] hard here that he started. bleeding I still came sure. yeah afterwards but then afterwards I. was like what the [ __ ] she was like I.

was just into it you know after I came. yeah right so I was doing it and. bleeding you know mean and she doing it. why did you do that you know and so you. know you just weird [ __ ] you know yeah. you've been through that you've been. through it on oh my god. I'm just so fascinated I want to know I. want to know like how the I just want to. know how like that world works where you. get comfortable with prostitutes mmm cuz. this isn't it uncomfortable no it's not.

even a little bit no don't you get. afraid what if you're afraid of the cops. you're afraid of getting caught what if. it's a sting you know they have those. bust operations you ever seen on than on. shows it's like a fat bald guy and in. the prostitutes in a wig it's so. obviously not a real prostitute and. they're next door in a motel knowing. we're gonna bust happen to be my [ __ ]. that's what happen. with Mike Young and they kick boy well. what you and Mike I told you that no oh. [ __ ] man what happened so one night it. was like we're at the Comedy Store. yeah and it's 3:00 in the morning okay.

yeah this is probably in 2001 okay okay. mm yeah and we were looking through the. LA Weekly or whatever or the rally we. read or whatever it's called right where. the other prostitutes yeah. and we're like how much money do you. have and I had just booked a commercial. in the commercial money it just came in. yeah what was the commercial it was a El. Pollo Loco El Pollo Loco got yeah I see. we're headed dance like a chicken in the. street it was one of those commercials.

where um we're like you know it's just. everyday life right yeah where the cop. pulls over you mean the kid from the. [ __ ] bench gets up the cop gets out. of the car you know I mean people just. start wandering the street and we all. start doing the chamber I remember I. lived in Silver Lake and I remember the. cholos right yeah would see me and go. hey there's the guy and they would do. the ya know that's that's wonderful yeah. but so um yeah so one night we look at.

this week and a week whatever it is and. we find a girl and we call it and it was. there was a hotel on Sunset like a Best. Western yeah it's a Best Western right. there yeah and so she just you know. we're we're here but this is where it. this room it's like right across the. street right and and Mike and I go over. there and we see the room and then we.

see the curtain open you can see two men. in the curtain white dudes right older. look up and then when they kind of see. us and they put that shade back down. right why you whirling no no I'm saying. cuz because you know what's going on so. I'm like what the [ __ ]. shady and Mike goes I'm out I'm not. we got try right yeah and you go. wouldn't you do it.

so he sat on the sunset and I walked up. there I knocked on the door and there. was a woman there she there was a little. Latino a little older yeah and she did. not look like a prostitute. he's right she's doing a row right yeah. I mean and she kind of looked you know. she's smoking like a congresswoman right. that's what she look like you know made. and I go you cop and she just looked at. me and I just walked away she didn't say. a word. no yeah goodbye mm-hmm crazy yeah you.

almost got [ __ ] busted could you. imagine what that does well getting. caught with that I mean [ __ ] you yeah. just I think that would [ __ ] you up yeah. I think that would have [ __ ] me up at. the time that would [ __ ] you up. yeah yeah I can't you'd been on mad I. think I was just on it yeah yeah no I. don't think I think that would that. would have stung so bad yeah so do you. ever think about that when you get part. when you got prostitutes back and they. did you think about cops or no but you. think that you think okay number one all. right I had never gotten an LA one the. only way we would we would do um I can't.

say the names but we would we would do. lunch runs what do you mean so I would. have when you were working at the club. no there would be comics that would call. when you would text yeah and you would. they would say lunch run right yeah and. you always you always knew what lunch. run man yeah kurz right right so there. was a place in the City of Industry. right so sad. called Hawaii theatre the best sounds.

terrible it's terrible yeah and you walk. in the Hawaii theatre and it's there's a. these it's black box he kind of you know. yeah but there was like a nice stage. with bamboo and coconut dangling yeah. and it's like this makeshift kind of. strip club but it was a you know a. brothel and it'd been there for years. like people knew about that play it's. not no longer there right but so we. would either go there or we go to Mexico. or I would do it in Las Vegas Vegas is.

the most common yeah but Vegas feels. forceful because it's a part of the game. out there who cares dude it's it. it's a business exchange sure but if it. but it should but to get look to get. caught and get in the paper and have. your name and all that stuff that's. that's just that legal right in Vegas or. in in Nevada and not in the city yeah. yeah but it's you know so Mike Mike I. got taken by somebody who I won't. mention to a I got taken by to a really. nice nightclub right. strip club yeah trip club night club.

whatever Vegas is all the same and. someone I'm with is jokingly saying like. he's on a TV show no and this is when I. first did I'm dying up here the first. season and and and she's like you know. these two really beautiful women all. around us all this stuff and they have a. table and she'd they're both like come. upstairs with us and they're prettier. than any of the girls at that they're. like the two hottest girls and I go. upstairs and you know I'm up there and. I'm thinking another it's gonna give me.

a double dance it'll be fun you know I'm. getting a dance and I'm gonna do wife. gonna be mad at this no okay no it's. fine strip clubs are fine. so it's like they're getting a dance I'm. thinking that okay and then the one. girls like hey you want to have like. real fun and I was like mmm this is fun. it seems like real fun yeah and she's. like no no no [ __ ] that [ __ ] like we. know you're on TV. he told us so-and-so told us like you're. a TV you got money let's have some fun. let's [ __ ] spend some money who gives. a [ __ ] and I was like no no Nona and she. goes look a thousand dollars for both of. us and anal anal I know like it was tire.

shine like it was like it's like you. know those like it was so she she said. and anal and I said oh no I'm not trying. to I'm not trying to have sex and she's. like come on come on come on I go I just. want the answers I want so I give him a. couple hundred dollars getting a dance. getting dancers keep dancing they keep. beg and bugging me for i bugged me for i. bugged me for and then finally she like.

grabs my dick and she's like let's go. don't be such a [ __ ] [ __ ] and I was. like I don't I don't want I don't want. to have sorry man I don't want to know. no when I said that go ahead what now if. it was like if you were if you didn't if. you weren't if I was single and you were. single now studying weren't prostitutes. would you a [ __ ] them out regular style. well yeah okay. if I was singing those two girls in a. club yeah yeah yeah yeah but by the way. in a Vegas thing that would have been. prostitutes no matter what yeah cuz they. would have [ __ ] they woulda been like. we need some money. mmm and then I'd be like what are you.

talking about and then a big black guy. would walk in like they need their money. yeah oh [ __ ] okay here's some money no. but I just I didn't I was like no I'm. out but when I said I don't want to have. sex. cuz you can't say it you can't use that. language at strip clubs you know that. right once you start talking about. expletives then they're like hey hey hey. hey hey right. you have to use code right right so they. stood up and freaked out and left the. room and then one of the bouncer guys. one of the big black dudes walks in he's. oh let's go you out let's go to you. yeah and they kick me my cuz I would I. mean they they were like strong-arming.

me to [ __ ] and I was like I don't wanna. I don't wanna I don't want to I mean I. wanted to but I wasn't caught you know I. mean I was like of course I want to [ __ ]. these two trash bags but like no I of. course no I don't want to I don't want. to no thank you but a thousand bucks for. two plus the butts is pretty nice isn't. it one time I was in the Bellagio and I. masturbated just in the middle of the. casino what and I remember Ike. Barinholtz grabbing my hair and dragging. me out of the for you wasted is the this. is so I had been sober for 12 years yeah.

and then I had relapsed when I got on. that TV in Vegas well no not in Vegas. why were you going to Vegas with a bunch. of MADtv people went out there okay. right and you know I had never done. ecstasy before it's so fun right yeah. after 12 years right had never had never. done it so I did it and I just found. myself just wanting to masturbate in. public oh yeah yeah and then he I. remember him dragging me by my hair to. get you out of getting out of the hotel. were you still jerking off as he dragged. you I think my pants were like he's so.

funny what a crazy [ __ ] City man so. you watch 90-day fiance. love all right so when we watch it I. always tell her right cuz you know I'm. Edie and that Rose loved that right at a. dinner oh yeah I always tell that. [ __ ] her I go you're [ __ ] lucky. aren't you. Yeah right you could have been Rose yeah. you could have been [ __ ] Rose did you. see the pictures of Eid when he was. young no was he caught what was he hot. dude let me see.

edie from 90 day fiancé when I was young. if you guys know I'm talking about he's. mayonnaise head he got they call Mayo. head look at this this is Ed when he was. young they posted these pictures online. this is him when he was young. look at that good-looking dude right. there right there's two more that are. better with neck the neck hold on. there's what there's tears - those. aren't so easy the neck hold on hold on. well this is him look at this is him. with male huh this is big Edie putting. mayo in his [ __ ] hair yeah that's Mayo.

hedad yeah look at that neck yeah it's. as if like he got to a car accident in. his head to hit the windshield and it. didn't break you know like it just. squished him down yeah but look there's. there's young I want to find these young. pitchers they got revealed online. somebody that he's friends with on his. personal Facebook page apparently put up. these old photos mmm look a look a look. this is him right there that's it right. there look at this look at that [ __ ]. photo of this guy oh [ __ ] hold on look. at how good-looking he is right there. you're right is he good-looking yeah. crazy good-looking back then yeah dude.

that's a good-looking [ __ ] guy that's. it surprise that [ __ ] amazed at the. shame gawking that's the same guy Wow. right and then this is him - they have. one more another Wow one more he's. holding his daughter in one of these. when she's young yeah there it is and. look at that. the neck isn't as bad by the way we. shouldn't look at his legs though well. look at him now this is what I look like. when I'm taking a [ __ ] yeah. when I'm taking a [ __ ] that's what I. look like sweating straining folding.

this is also when my penis looks like. when I get out of water you know what's. sad about that show it's the it's the. catfish ones like that black ladies so. many of them are Yolanda. yo Mike or that one way yo and her. boyfriends name is it's like a plural. it's like Matthews yeah Matthews what is. it yeah or that one guy that went to the. Ukraine right cuz he's seven years he. hadn't met the woman seven [ __ ] years. he still thinks she's coming out of the.

wood this guy's never met this girl and. yeah seven years later he thinks she's a. boy what he spent $100,000 on just a. [ __ ] a sight yeah yep right he all my. video no video videos right only. personal only Chad Chad. yeah only chat oh if I was his friend. but but here's the problem. you can't tell a guy like that yeah you. can you can't oh you can no because a. guy like that thinks there thinks there. was hope. no no what would you say I'm him ready.

and I'm yeah okay I'm him ready like. what's up Bob you wanted to meet today. yeah dude I'm number one. all right I don't even know why I'm. friends with you doing what we've been. friends since we're I just can't. understand that but we're friends right. are we not we're best buds as far as. okay yeah and I love you right I love. you too right. see this at my hand yeah it's called a. gun oh my gosh yeah what do you have if. you get on the [ __ ] flight I'm gonna. [ __ ] kill you dude all right gotta. catch my flight I mean just somebody's. got tits talk sense. he doesn't have family members that just. to pin him down and you're the problem.

bro these you guys never had anything. they never had any they never had love. so they think this could be the one. these guys never had a normal. interaction with a woman this guy thinks. this is the one time he's gonna finally. win that's heartbreaking. it's so [ __ ] heartbreak I can't not. stop watching I have to watch I have to. and you know who my favorite you know. and they watch when they be we're not. caught up so we were lit with how many. episodes Willy four episodes then okay. well how about this you know I should go. there's another show where they watch. the other members can't pass members. watch the show from bet you've seen that.

yeah I've seen that yeah and then my. favorite one is what I can't read he's. that he's the fat Buddha belly guy and. she's the Filipino girl let that like. you know there are my [ __ ] she makes. me laugh so hard. yeah she has a good comment for. everything yeah the show is phenomenal. if you haven't seen it people at home. you should watch it watch it yeah it's. we're totally caught up with this guy. too you know the all these guys are I. feel bad for almost everybody okay so. that guy said that guy right there right. yeah this got to make his whole claim. his old claim is like she's using me.

that's that yes yeah I'm sorry that. ain't a [ __ ] exchange that's the show. we all know what this exchange is right. I can't get you know mean I can't get. what I need. Nene you can hear you need you want to. come here right swap it up we [ __ ] swap. it up all right you give me push pause. right now give you cards she thinks. she's citizenship yeah who gives a [ __ ]. yeah well that's like we don't care in. America when an old. it's a young woman it's the same thing.

it's a it's a trade off yeah they get. what they need it's right I don't think. I think that this dude right here that. Suzy the Russian guys they get girls. here well so what is his deal then why. does it good news because he's. good-looking is this guy good-looking. no no but he's not ugly no he's not ugly. but he's what he's okay he's okay yeah. but he there was a girl in his hometown. that she's like yeah I mean and he's. like I'm gay and I have to run away.

because I have to hide the fact that I. wore no it's just that it's like it's. too easy no I don't think that's it I. think he's got some weird he needs it I. think he needs a I think you need he. needs a control thing uh she gets here. right that's very bright yeah thank you. control it's a control thing yeah the. other girl is a real relationship she. can leave at any time. all right this guy gets his girl to. America she's stuck there stuck yeah by. the way to go through this process yeah.

they have to live together for a certain. amount of time they have to prove that. they're staying together for a certain. amount of time otherwise she lose the. sister ship so he knows and she knows. they both have to weigh all these like. elements out she's not dumb so she's. like I still want to get to the States I. don't care what it takes. he can be like why I might get drunk and. hit her one time she can't leave she. can't leave especially I wanted to tell. her through the screen it's like it's. not as if he lives in Nashville where. does he live he lives in Tennessee but. like in the boondocks a little bit yeah.

right so I wanted to say that you know. me lady it's just woods out there or. usually that's where he can kill you. yeah this is the girl that you were. talking about rose that's right I always. look at [ __ ] Giuliana looks like Roy. no I know and I go you got here right. without any of this [ __ ] yeah you should. be grateful are you grateful. yeah that's pretty impressive that does. kind of look like you a little bit yeah. when you smile let me see her smile look. at that smile yeah do that same face.

that she's doing there it is that's it. right there yeah. yeah but the thing is is um like this -. it's like when he was asking her about. like I want you to take an STD test yeah. he asked her he wanted to test it. bro you're not you haven't had [ __ ] in. a decade get a little bump it's on your. dick who cares who [ __ ] cares love. bumps an itch also an STD test he goes I. want you to take an STD taste to make. sure that you weren't with other. partners yeah how about you take a test. cuz you're just gonna say that what if.

he yeah but also why doesn't Egypt why. wouldn't you just if she said no if he. said would you know about your sexual. status she said no why would you Scott. wall just will just wear a condom man. and if she was like I don't want to wear. a condom then just go okay well then we. should just get tested no [ __ ] her no. condom I'm agreeing I'm saying if it was. that big of a deal to this guy yeah what. was he scared when you look like that. Yeah right and you have a 23 year old. girl mayo add throw throw the dice I.

like the guy I gotta tell you I do not. be in I mean he's a very likable guy the. whole show is filled with very fun. lovable people yeah I just liked it I. just feel bad sometimes for Rose I know. I feel bad for these girls cuz I know. like when they when he goes to kiss her. yeah it gave me the chills and what I. feel bad is that way they it's like when. a serial killer like pets the victims. head before they kill them yeah. it gave me chills in my chest yeah it's. also like I feel bad that when she's. like on the bottom and he's on top and. she wants to put his she goes I want to.

put my hand around his neck he asks her. Oh put your hands around my body and she. can't she doesn't know which part is. what I can't cuz its neck in his stomach. exactly I can't you're a bowling pin. yeah Wow hey do you want to hear um do. you want to hear our boy undressed he is. got material do you want to hear it yeah. oh he's unavailable Wow. yeah that's a ton of the nerve out of.

this guy yeah let's let's call this. [ __ ] and see what he's got to say for. himself. look at how nervous you're gonna make. him Bob yell at him Bob seriously get. really upset hello hey dude it's Bobby. hey he what the [ __ ] I do not work for. us yes I did. they're one-way [ __ ] call you're not. gonna [ __ ] up pick up your foot that.

[ __ ] line dude what do you mean yep. yep oh no we tried to [ __ ] hook up. with you on on the on line on the under. to do the stand-up a dude what the [ __ ]. man uh-huh we're [ __ ] shooting now. you [ __ ] the guy three throwing at my. computer blindly waiting for you Bobby. what we that's what you [ __ ] say but. we [ __ ] I mean I get it do but you. got to be more on the ball dude yeah.

[Applause]. we're gonna do the stand-up next week do. you want to do it this week okay no. we'll do it next week because I want him. to dude Bobby was joking around Andres I. just want you to be more natural and not. do like bump bump jokes and just talk. about you know I'm in your day what do.

you say I don't know what he's saying. what do you say what do you say he's a. good set I want to see I want to hear it. let's do it. Andres I'm gonna call you and then we'll. do the video okay okay. right oh you want me to I'll FaceTime. you I'll FaceTime your phone okay okay. okay hey Andres yeah say I love you I.

love you guys okay we'll call you right. now you really that [ __ ] hurt his. feelings in the weirdest way. Andres the fancy beer or Sunday okay. here we go. there yeah look at our sweet sweet boy. hi bud hey buddy oh we can't hear you. why can't we hear you over that hairline. can you hear us no no this is funny yeah.

he said it was Mike give us a thumb up a. thumbs up if you can hear us oh yeah we. can't hear you doc we can't hear you. no I'll tell you when we can hear you. how long do you think we could do this. for and the audience will watch us. trying to connect with him if you know. do you think they're already gone yeah. all right let's okay oh and race and.

race we have a fix because it's not. working so stand back a little bit and. then stand right there and put the mic. up to your mouth and then we'll do the. know a little bit yeah right there and. then we'll do the jokes for you and you. just mouth it okay here we go I'm. andreas eye from Spain how's everybody. doing tonight I hope everybody if you. just keep moving your [ __ ] mouth.

Andres how's everybody doing tonight so. listen I just got back from traveling. overseas and boy are my arms tired and. my immune system because of coffee ha ha. this guy knows this guy this guy in the. front right here this guy I'm pointing. to right now he knows what I'm talking. about. ha ha ha I'm Spanish and that there's. difference between Spanish and Mexican. we only fry our beans once we don't. refry it twice.

that was good [ __ ] I'm sad I'm sad we. can't hear any of these jokes I don't. know why the mic isn't working but we. wanted to hear all these jokes you had. prepared what happened we can't hear you. yeah. poor bastard alright well anyways thank. you thank you we love you we're sorry. that this didn't work we'll get you next. week Bobby says sorry and thank you he. was kidding. tell him your kid I love you Andre I. really do I love this guy we love you.

baby. is a good dude hi sweetheart I just I. also want to mention that yeah you know. my agent said that we probably won't be. going on the road until 2021 and how do. you feel about that. super bummed actually we we you and I. had a little talk off the air about it I. don't want to spread rumors to make. people get weirded out yeah but I think. the truth of the unfortunate truth of. that Bob and I talked about is we were. gonna do shows together you know I mean. we we had gigs lined up with Kalin and.

shop yeah we were just gonna do and do a. tour with just us and that we that. wasn't gonna be till maybe beginning in. the year next year anyway but now it's. we're gonna have to see what happens but. I don't know man I really don't think. we're gonna be doing anything until next. year hey Jules when we do go on the road. though you know that if them him and I. go on the road yeah that you have to go. yeah you're coming you have to sell. merch and also all the fans will know. who you are yeah you do have to come you. have to come will you we'll fly you out. look at your hotel room you look like a.

[ __ ] Queen yeah we get you'll fly out. you have a nice hotel you had to eat and. drink whatever you want. that's insane what are you gonna learn. from school that you can't learn from us. tell me something you're learning right. now that you don't think I could teach. you biology chemistry biology yeah okay. what hey ways and burners by biology the.

Bunsen Oh what are you learning right. now in biology what's one thing you're. learning right now gene mutation I have. one red hair that's a gene mutation or. [ __ ] it what x-men x-men. that's another gene x-men you had to. watch planet Earth with Attenborough's. David Attenborough okay so we got that. covered what else got that done history. go ahead oh man have you ever seen I was. frozen it was when the you that's when.

everything was frozen and we were. chasing the Russians because they we. wanted to get to the moon first. right watch East Eastern Promises. whatever that movie's term promises. where they [ __ ] stab it and [ __ ]. spas yeah you need that what else is. there something else you're learning. yeah well covered so you're coming with. us I'm honest okay we do five up top Oh. a five-step standard if we write Joe. true you will you open the show we know. you what you won't do it yeah how about. this if you open by closer to the mic.

Jules [ __ ] if you open the show for us. we'll give you five hundred dollars and. all you have to do is walk out open the. show how many people would you think. would be on our Charles who knows after. all this [ __ ] [ __ ] we probably do we. could help me draw about a six hundred a. thousand thousand maybe who knows yeah I. don't know so only a thousand people. would be there that's not a lot that's. fine we could do a smaller one just just. try it out at first fifty room yeah 250. or 300 which I don't want to do that.

she's sweating can you let's we'll give. you a Bible games right that you write a. joke yeah you will write the jokes but I. don't know I know but the thing is is. that you have to go in knowing that. you're not gonna get them to laugh right. you know it's gonna be you already know. it's people already gonna know that it's. gonna be your first time and that they. already know that right so no matter. what happens. who cares yeah who gives a [ __ ] don't.

you think that's fine you're gonna do it. and you're gonna [ __ ] you're gonna get. paid you're gonna be performer we could. get you some spots at the store too No. so hopefully we'll be able to go on the. road if we but we'd go on the road in. the summer you could go on the road god. I hope but wait a minute aren't you done. isn't school done for you no she's in. school now no I mean I'm saying but when. is it over when are you done yeah but.

inmate she's only a junior oh I thought. you were I thought you were last year oh. [ __ ] yeah but you're 18 are you senior. when you're right let me she's. Philippine she's from the Philippines. oh so you're older and cool is does. everybody love that in your class was. that cool that you're older than them. they don't know they don't know today. did they do you have a lot of good. friends in school no she's like that's. quiet you know she's she's that quiet. mysterious girl she's very nice and. sweet you know she's just kind. you know but did you miss Ally Sheedy.

and like in Breakfast Club yeah man. do you make any good friends in school. do you have any good friends I know like. people but girls all girls um two guys. and one girl Jesus Christ Bobby what are. you letting her to she's not this girl. isn't you're not you know boys are. trying to date are they trying to date. you they better not because you know. Tito you know it'll [ __ ] hang on what. killed. Tito [ __ ] murder these two alpha so. the two boys and the girl are they are. they American are they foreign do you. have any foreign friends good stay away.

from them yeah if you want it you want. to succeed and don't think about it. Jules but you will be going on the road. with us and when you can no doubt can. and then you'll sell merch right yeah. you could tell your teacher it's like a. like an internship yeah it is so you can. get out of she'll do it because at this. point if you're gonna continue to do. this right people are gonna know who you. are yeah and you're a part of the show. now okay yeah because we got the vote we. got literally there was a poll that I.

didn't even put up ninety eight point. six percent of people preferred you over. George no really yeah yeah ninety eight. ninety eight point six in that seat they. said they think you're doing it from now. on you know that right yeah get closer. to the mic right you're doing this from. now on right okay or let's thank you for. being a hey yeah two things yeah. love you love you too thank you for. being a bad friend. [Music].

you.