The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes | Ep 25 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

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all right we'll relax sorry they're. gonna do it all right you two are bad. friends who are these two idiots why. dude. i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting. well you two or something we're bad. friends. hey so i come in here today. feeling so jolly and um carefree as they. say. i understand i walk in here and i see. this little nice little painting here. yeah. and this is me um as a [ __ ].

are you chinese in that i don't know. what he is but i i'm not. you know do you not know that's a korean. warrior okay but. that's a whole tool have you you know. hotu is yeah. what are you there an english dignitary. yeah exactly i'm a pretty boy okay you. look. regal in that yeah like like you're you. run some [ __ ] i'm royalty. i'm carrying rice to me the royalty to. eat i'm hungry. yeah but i live in wuhan right.

you have to carry it to england that's. right 90 000 pounds of rice on my. on your shoulder oh my god but it feels. hand drawn and drawn by. a man by the name of jack hansby yeah. let me read you a letter. read his letter read the letter okay hi. bobby love your stuff a lot. so i painted you a painting i hope you. like it. if not okay. so um welcome to the podcast bad friends. welcome to the bad friends so we got. chad sleeping good at. all same you want to talk about it i.

want to well i want to talk what i've. been um. actually um do you have a lot of fear i. have a lot of fear. and i have a lot of questions in life. because what happened was um. i'll just say this during a couple of. nights ago in la. there was an earthquake at around 3 30 4. in the morning. and i know let me just explain. okay and so the earthquake erupts.

and i know what juliana did juliana you. probably slept right through it right. right she slept right through it um i. was already awake. the earthquake i was playing this game. on my um ipad. it's called uh palace and conquerors or. something like that. and um earthquake happened and i i kind. of looked up. it was over and then i started playing. my game again maybe i didn't stop. playing i don't know. yeah so some people react like that um. there are those also.

so i have i have a friend i have a. friend. right you may or may not know him but. the earthquake happened. and he went like he woke up he was. sleeping. and went he went he went. what's going on right and blood rush to. his head. right and that's a reaction of um. some people call that cowardly some. people would call that weak. i call it um he was just scared.

surprised so he goes oh. and he goes to the bathroom because he. has to take a fear [ __ ]. now a lot of white people when they get. scared they take. fear shits and it's like it's it's a. combination of um. gas and diarrhea right maybe a little. bit of blood. and so he took a little fear [ __ ] and as. he got up from the fear [ __ ]. he goes he goes oops he goes. this is what he goes he goes oops i lose.

consciousness. and he hits his head you know i mean on. a cabinet. and he almost gouges his eye out. and so um and then what happens is he. goes. wifey wifey. i i heard. i got scared from. from the earthquake right it's cause. they they go oh they always go to the. other side it's almost as bad as your. stand-up comedy that's how bad this is.

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's a bad. [ __ ]. yeah yeah you're a bad you're your whole. life is a bad bit why are you so angry. right now because you're. you're you spent four minutes on a dog. [ __ ] story that's not even. that's what happened to you i woke up. that's what happened to you. i had a couple of drinks why is he so. angry today can i tell the real story. i woke up i've i'm gonna be so drunk. stuff was breaking so i ran into the. guest room yeah. and i had woken up so fast that i my. equilibrium was off. because i also had a couple drinks with.

my neighbor. oh i didn't know that we'll throw in the. details next time you call me. you're not listening anyway bob you. don't listen to me. ever i need details like hemingway i. need specific what the sunset looks like. you can't just say sunset you got to say. glowing red no heavyweight said sunset. made you figure it out you can figure. out the rest. in this case hemingway i had a couple of. drinks i woke up. i went to go hear what was break and see. if the dog was okay and then when i. walked back to the room. i lost my balance because the blood was.

rushed to my head i got up so fast and. the earthquake was still shaking. that i sat on the hallway toilet in the. bathroom. to to to level myself but i had flipped. my. my up and down had flipped so much i. blacked out. i blacked out and i hit my head yeah. and i busted what's the difference and i. busted my head over the story that i. told. and your story you threw an unnecessary. um. you said uh coward lie not true i wanted. to make sure my dog and my house were. okay.

you know what you're right yeah my stuff. was breaking i got nervous i thought oh. my god. first of all what if the tv fell on the. dog what if the tv fell on the dog. the dog meanwhile you're playing i'm 50. i like ipad games at 3am. you're you're in shut up shut up. shut up rudy do you like your new. painting yeah. [Laughter]. i did i went to the er honestly no but. look at my eyes busted for the fans. yeah and i went and got my skull and my.

noggin checked and i went in an imaging. machine. and i was scared because the only one. they had was in panorama city you can. google it it's not nice. and i got nervous the whole time. let me just ask and they send back the. results and they said you're fine but. you have an overwhelming amount of. stress in your blood level. do you by chance work with a korean man. day on a weekly basis. i said yeah i work with a little troll a. little booger-eating troll. in a room in the valley and they said. that could be part of the problem. rudy your painting is dope though it's a.

really good painting and the knife got. hung up. that's really nice let me ask you this. question honestly how tight is that. painting. dear friend hey baby a dear friend yeah. so um. and this is an honest question i'm not. trying to be funny or facetious. don't roll your eyes because i know it's. coming no it's not you're gonna make fun. of me you think i'm not gonna. i'm not gonna make fun of you i need. questions answered okay all right. okay so if you're walking down the. street. yes and there's a little just let me. finish my question. and there's a little wind do you go.

tornado i hit the deck and you hit the. deck i hit the deck okay that's all i. wanted to ask. i freak out right yeah i would love to. see you in a real situation of fear. if you see you know what i'm gonna do. what i'm gonna pay someone to come rob. you guys. with a real knife and a real gun yeah. and i'm gonna see who steps up to the. plate. not you you're not gonna protect the. girls you have no idea you're a puss. puss. you're a little puss puss boy i have a. puss you're a puss puss boy. oh okay you won't you won't fight or. protect you're not a protector. you either yes that's why i jumped up. you i've never.

no that's not why you got up from the. [ __ ] thing why'd i get up. cause you didn't know what was going on. no i knew it was you got confused i woke. up i knew it's an earthquake you got. confused i heard stuff crashing and i. thought it was oh my god. i thought oh my god what did the world. what if what if is the dog okay did. something break is something heavy is. everything okay yeah. yeah they should make you know they. should remake this is you. i smoke a cigarette and i play ipad them. late night booger don't make fun of me. dude i had to go to the hospital.

okay the hospital. i'm just saying they should remake. certain movies about you you should be. there there is no movies yeah like like. like armageddon. speaking of speaking just let me finish. yeah armageddon part. then remake the earthquake armageddon no. no no it no. you're in it right uh-huh asteroids. coming right. and then the credits roll down because. nothing happens. you're the hero of the story nothing. happens the credits scroll down and. everyone's in the movie they're going.

i guess everyone dies they've already. made a movie about you. there we go here we go this is what i. like about our relationship this. i miss this they made so several movies. about you. i love what's eating gilbert grape you. were you were fantastic in that oh i'm. at the leonardo dicaprio uh i am sam you. were very good in that oh. i see yeah yeah yeah you're saying that. the one with johnny. what no the one with johnny knoxville. that was about you wasn't it were you. trying to go the olympics what's even. eating gilbert. am i the fat mother could be no you're. you're saying that i am you're here as.

much as you're anybody else in that. movie. yeah yeah i want my son that's you. you are the you're the obese mother that. they're gonna have to remove from your. video game layer. in 20 years when you die of lack of. movement. and the whole time you'll be young i. want my war zone we played. we did play i'm terrible i'm so bad it's. un it's not even funny bobby would you. check in with me. andrew are you still okay no it was it. was it was fun to play with you because. um. so bad the first couple times you died.

you didn't open up your parachute. yeah well you have to learn how to jump. no one gave me the details i know and. then you jumped off a building. and you didn't open up your parachute oh. three stories i thought he could take. the hit. yeah no you didn't you broke your legs. we revived you you did well no you. didn't uh. uh uh uh josh did yeah josh price very. good he's phenomenal. how good is that guy he saved me six. times and we won twice. i know that isn't it but first of all. you have to understand how difficult it. is i know i talked to some friends. nobody wins we won.

nobody wins i know we won what happened. i just didn't but it was very. joyous it was because you have a win in. your column can you. can you can you tell the fans one thing. even though i didn't get credit for it. but they they said it was true. i killed a guy you did but i didn't get. credit because what is it. it said it was uh what this is what. happened yeah okay. is is that um somebody had hit the guy. maybe a couple of times sure but you had. the final elimination. yeah right but because maybe that person.

got a little bit more damage on the guy. they get the kick yeah you didn't get. the kill but you will get kills. i feel like because of your temperament. yeah and your aggressiveness. that you will get like five six kills. i'm gonna yeah at some point yeah. do you like the game i love it can i. show you a gift yeah. somebody did something for you a friend. of a friend of a friend. made you an operator. how cool is that that's really cool. isn't that cool yeah they should have. that.

operator so here's the thing i think we. should start some kind of petition to. get. your bobby lee operator on the game look. they do this with all other sports. uh games i have friends that are in. other video games yeah how come you. can't have an operator that's you. in the game and that looks good too. yeah that looks good there's already a. korean woman in the game. that's what this is no that's the uh. they put my face on the russian guy's. body. on the russian guy's body but actually. that's you know this image can do you. remember this image this is taken from. an actual image.

oh you know what that image is yeah. that's me my first second headshot at. mad tv that's exactly right you shaved. half of your head. you were really cute i was cute what. happened to me no you look good now now. you're it's just your um. uh it's just your your your there's. different things that are cute about you. that you didn't have back then like what. your comedy confidence is better i think. so yeah much more. yeah uh you're definitely more um. comfortable in your skin. there you go you i'm waiting for it yeah. i don't know what else.

are you waiting for me to be mean yeah. i'm not gonna it's a nice day today. yeah i had a perspective on life because. i got out of the hospital feeling. were you scared because um i could covet. and all that stuff yeah. now was the you went to the er right. yeah now where were there. people with obviously everyone's wearing. a mask in the lobby. yeah they don't you they they let you in. one at a time they let you in one at a. time. are you sitting with anywhere near. anybody else nope nope. and are there people there for covid.

when i went no they have they tell you. which is crazy they go. um do you or anyone you know in your. household have had covet symptoms or. have had coveted self-diagnosed. no okay they say today we have not had. any covet patients. but we're required to tell you if we've. had anyone come in here with cobit i. said oh okay. they immediately took me in an isolated. room met with a doctor. told her my symptoms she was very cool. she did a post-concussion test. are you wearing a mask at the whole time. oh yeah you have to and gloves and face. shield. wow um they did a post concussed test to.

make sure i'm not i didn't have. concussion. and then she did a bunch of blood work. tons of blood work. you got to couch your eye out man i. missed it's actually the cut is actually. on my if you when you get close to me. you can see the cut hits my eyelid. so i actually missed my eye by this much. my god blacked out. yeah blacked out and she she was like. just confused on the angle because i was. like oh my my neck hurts so i can't move. my neck. this much um she was wondering how i hit. the floor because that's what she was. worried about.

what part of my head hit first when i. went for the cat scan that's when i. started to get emotional. because i got nervous i was like oh my. god what if something happened but i'm. fine. it's an okay day and i'm back with you. and i feel good yeah i go to the. hospital over the last. um but i was nervous i'm not gonna lie. i've been in cdr. so many times it's scary because of. kalila well because she. has a life threatening yeah she has a. heart condition yeah so i i've been to. the hospital many many times she's never. had a stroke has she no. what what do you mean people ca people.

have mini strokes no she's not gonna. have no stroke. do you know what a stroke is my dad died. from one yeah i do. so what is it he uh he the he has high. blood pressure. and and his veins and his brain all the. veins that lead up to his brain. are clogged and the blood can't get to. the brain. right and then your blood your brain. needs oxygen blood. it starts where though what where does. this also the heart from the heart yeah. so my question was valid. i it's it's so i know i was trying to be. nice to you mm-hmm.

and i was gonna be no i was trying to be. nice but that's my pet peeve when people. go. treat me like i think you really think. that i have some sort of mental. deficiency. do you know what a stroke is explain it. to me yeah because i know you don't know. i do know my dad died from one if your. dad didn't die from it you wouldn't know. did you know what a stroke was before. your dad died a stroke yeah i of course. i know what a [ __ ] stroke is i don't. know you don't know much. there's a lot of stuff you don't know. bob go ahead let it out. no this is retaliation for you being.

mean to me up talking about my injuries. yeah you were bro bro i can't wait till. you pass out and get hurt. i don't have a lot of friends dino. you know this right juliana knows this i. don't have a i don't talk to a lot of. people. right and um i have. you know maybe four friends yeah. um you're a part of that infrastructure.

i know a friendship right it's very. difficult to get into that kingdom. you know the kingdom is closed for um. enlightened hierarchy do you think it's. because most people don't want to get in. that kingdom anymore there's other ones. available. maybe but but i still have a very strict. dress code you have a dress code yeah. also. you know philosophical code okay okay so. it's like. just imagine me being a kingdom right.

you're being a gate a king. i'm a king you're a king and there's a. gate yeah and. people walk up knock knock knock hello. can i be bobby's friend yeah and then. there's a. you have to go into a room you take a. test what's the test. oh there's a mill do you know there's 10. questions pretty much. there's 10 questions what are they um do. you know what. what the first question is chicago pizza. or detroit pizza chicago.

there we go cat's number so i passed. yeah you passed number one okay all. right. number two it's rolling stones or the. beetles. neither trick question that's exactly. what it is exactly what it is all right. right yeah number three um. what is the most important area of the. genitalia. the [ __ ] the taint or. the head of the penis there's another. quick question it's all the above. [Laughter]. that's what i'm saying kingdom is.

exclusive yeah it's very exclusive well. i'm glad i'm your friend well there's. also physical challenges. i'll kiss you yeah yeah do you know. what's so funny is the. one of the first times that we ever like. started to talk to each other as in. friendly conversation. you would kiss me yeah you're the first. guy that i would go even on stage after. we've done a couple of times where. uh andrews brought me up and aurora. brought him up and i look. in front of a pack room a couple hundred. people i'll look at andrew. he'll bring me up bobby lee and i'll. cross paths and i'll go. and you'll just go i'll know better and.

you'll kiss on my lips i gotta kiss you. and people will laugh and i go. and i don't even say anything about it. you just walk right because that's. called. he's in part of my kingdom you're the. kid i'm in a kingdom right and so when i. play warzone some of these kids i play. with they want to desperately get in. there's the ones that are in there are. so good. there's a husband and wife combination. that we played with yeah yeah and. they're both. phenomenal phenomenal yeah i don't know. who's better her or him yeah yeah i mean. i don't know because i'm not smart with. that stuff. yeah but they're very good yeah but. they're all.

bad friends fans no you're right right. right i mean they. are you should imagine imagine if. honestly yeah. if you wanted to play the game and i'm. not around yeah. right literally play with them i mean. there's so many. what you do is this what i did was like. who can carry me. that's the question so when people. message me on playstation people will go. i'm okay at it right you're out yeah you. need to be very good. there are people like raymie and josh. price and gus.

i'm probably one of the best out there i. was i'm a tournament i'm like. i was professional cod player two years. ago i was ranked. you know i mean 123 in the world or. whatever can they make money at that. i mean there's a guy i don't know what. his name is but he makes what five. million dollars a week. playing video games oh a week something. like that yeah yeah. what yeah do you know about this stuff. rude. no and here's this because you're a. comedian. and because i'm bad i i honestly think. that if we started a twitch a bad.

friends and we played once a week. for like five or six hours we could make. money five million dollars. not five million dollars a couple grand. is that guy good. cool the five million dollar guy or. people just like there's a guy out there. that makes so much money that like maybe. 100 million a year or something. on just playing yeah and he he's. really good we picked the wrong [ __ ]. career i should have no because there. are people. in our our thing that make a lot of. money as well. only a few bro nobody in our.

who's making a hundred million dollars. in our josh not josh. josh rogan josh joe rogan does josh. rogan joe rogan how much does he make he. makes a lot he doesn't make 100 million. in comedy no way. not even close yeah but his spotify deal. was different thing. i mean that's a podcaster that's who we. are we're podcasters. [Music]. this is a product that we use here at. bad friends that's right we're about to. start selling merch to you guys we. already sell stuff online individually. with our other shows and we are going to.

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yeah amazon yeah no matter what you're. selling etsy. your own website et cetera et cetera et. cetera et cetera they're gonna do it. ship station's number one choice of. online sellers. you'll ship more and less time with the. best rates possible and available right. now bad friends listeners. can try shipstation for free for 60 days. when used to offer code bad friends make. sure to. your business is ready meet the demands. of delivery culture click on the. microphone at the top of the home page. type in. bad friends shipstation.com enter the. promo code bad friends. shipstation.com makeship happen.

we all shop online do we not yeah. constantly and we've all seen that promo. code field taunt us for at checkout. yeah and all the time it's saying hey do. you have a promo code to save money and. you're like no. because i don't use honey but if you use. honey all you have to do. is have honey and at checkout the honey. button drops it automatically. applies coupons for you for 30. 000 stores online damn it honey supports. 30 000 stores online they range from. sites. that have tech and gaming products to.

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honey for free at joinhoney.com. bad friends everybody joinhoney.com. friends i want to show you some this is. why we're good friends somebody made. this but let me make a point real quick. before you even do that. oh it's like the aha yeah. video just a nice loop of us. bobby and andrew scooting through the. hallway.

they're in love they're in love. bobby and andrew. [Music]. i'm holding on to him we might fall over. because there's an earthquake happening. i could die because i'm clinging on to. a coward a [ __ ] cow or a [ __ ]. he don't know nothing.

you like that you're such a little dick. what you said to kello. you did it you did you add it on yeah. yeah andrew um. yeah andreas wants to um call you he. wants to call me now. yeah okay all right let's call this guy. i want you to say that again wait wait. stop for a second say that again. say what say it again andrew andreas. wants to call you.

no say it again andrew. andreas wants to call you oh thank you. and if you don't do that from now on. they made a compilation of that. yeah we do we have a compilation of you. not getting to the mic. get closer to the mic stresses me out it. does i know because it's too far away. [Music]. hello hello. hi hi sweetheart hi.

did you want to talk well. yeah after our talk last well after your. show last week and i thought you guys. talked about fashion. and i think so i i bought you guys. something. i have a gift for you rudy has it and. you. rudy can you give give it to them yeah. and. i decided to share a little bit of like. style with you guys. oh my god thank you did you really buy. us a gift incredible.

yes i just sanitize it you don't need a. sanitizer. tyson he sanitized it already. oh my god andres oh andreas this is like. one of his. your oh my god andres these are the. european shirts. insurance oh it's by design. look at that no you want to wear it yeah. let's wear it from now on. what is it this is called decidual. oh dude let's see wow oh wait say it.

again how do you say it in your language. this is so nice yeah i'm looking well. can we show look. you look at how unnecessary look at this. so this is the best part where is this. from. what country is this is from this from. spain. so in spain look at this this is so. spanish clothing first of all bobby has. two shirts that they just made into one. right yeah and then so this is what they. do look at what they do all the time. yeah. 84 so they took football numbers and put. it on a t on a shirt yeah. and it's down here again just in case.

and look what it says here. love the world love love love yeah. this is so nice positive energy. thank you positive energy thank you so. much andres. this is yours i have a fancy dish rack. now. it actually looks good that's actually a. cool shirt yeah. it's a little too small what size did. you get bobby.

i think i i mean an anal. but it's a european now it's a european. one. it doesn't it's not small then it's a. little tight rudy is his shirt a little. tight. i think it's fine thank you yeah well. that's because she has residency at your. house yeah thank you so much andreas. we will get you a gift too one day. oh no that's that's no i really like it. thank you so much. okay okay thank you bye bye bye guys.

well we've got our spanish shirts on. do you like it it's not really that. spanish it looks like. somebody that a homeless person in. bangladesh. would wear you know i mean yeah like it. you know it has. this third world quality which i love. third world. wear but you know it's it just feels. like it's. just patched together you can buy this. on the streets of calcutta. yeah yeah meanwhile i think he told.

like you're you're if you're with a. prostitute in calcutta. you need to get no no and you and you. you like come on the wall. she gives you this to clean it off. i was to say if you got one in calcutta. and you had a t-shirt on she's like you. can't come in unless you have a collared. shirt. go buy a three dollar oh yeah sure yeah. that's that's what it is. this is a calculator three dollar. prostitute shirt and then you you go to. the store or write three dollars and you. almost contemplate not even getting it.

and you're saying [ __ ]. oh god i don't even wanna have to wear. that inside yeah rudy who's this more. whose is better. and and rank it when i say better i mean. which one do you do you hate the most. okay i think. they're both pretty bad i think yours. this is. this is pretty bad excuse me say it in. the mic i think it's. um tito andrews is the worst yeah it's. pretty bad. yeah it's got football numbers on it. right here and up here.

yeah this is pretty bad i haven't but. yours is just honestly it's just two. shirts. they threw away two shirts yeah it's the. left side of some guy's shirt and left. got a dead guy shirt. but honestly if i wore this in any kind. of like um. business meeting and especially if i met. people for the very first time. embarrassing i'm probably not going to. get the job they they'd ask you to leave. well. i don't think they would ask me to leave. but they would just be like you know. when you know during the audition. or whatever they would do the smile but. they would just be so distracted by. they go yeah can we ask you something.

yeah the shirt why did you choose is it. because. the character is it is that was a. character and the way i wear. this that's your shirt yeah right this i. get this in the. spin oh is there. it's a good good script from e-design. design honestly it looks. it looks terrible and genuinely doesn't. do you any favors and if it's not part. of the character i don't know why you. wore that to the audition today. well it's loud it's distracting it. doesn't make any sense well as a.

guessing director you should use your. imagination. my imagination is saying that i can't. see you in any other normal clothes. because you have a really bad stupid. shirt on right but if i get the job. my acting skills are good the job is not. going to happen there's no chance we're. going to give you the job yeah but. the word there's no chance you would. never get the job but you'll never get. the job bye-bye bye. [Laughter]. don't you miss going to bad auditions by. the way i miss going in bombing. auditions. i miss saying no i miss bombing. auditions i miss saying. i can't do it or making some excuse it. was so funny because there was a. three-year period where i would make.

excuses it's just too hot every i know. i've got to take it i gotta take it off. it's the worst that's bad it's very bad. thank you andres. thank you we'll keep it here we'll keep. it here. [Laughter]. how much are these i honestly i feel bad. i think they're expensive. i know you gotta be real how about this. you know what we should do what hey uh. if any bad friends are out there. why don't you guys email uh us we'll. sign them and we'll sign them and send. them to you whoever we will. randomly pick yeah we'll randomly pick. who gets the shirts and we'll sign them.

and we'll mail you. we'll sign them the fancy be sure you're. gonna do more than sign it though. well we'll write a message in it or. something i don't know if you can really. sign those that'd be hard. we'll sign a bad friend's uh picture for. you but email us why don't you guys. email us. why you why you think you deserve the. shirt yeah and do it at uh. badfriendsmail gmail.com. badfriendsmail gmail.com we'll send. somebody those beautiful andreas. de secure shirts oh yeah this is so. funny. so i when i was driving over here my. manager had texted me and she goes.

improv is doing some summer drive-ins in. irvine. do you want to do 8 15 or 8 29. and watch what uh that's like saying. watch that's like saying like saying. hey next week. are you typing this to your manager yeah. so so she said that. hey that's like saying hey next week. can you eat.

a bucket. of broken glass. [Laughter]. eight fifteen or eight eight twenty nine. yeah yeah yeah 8 15. 8 15. pick a day yeah 8 15. or 8 29. you want to write one yeah all right. i'll say or hey. hey hey next week next week week.

yeah do you have time in your schedule. do you have time wait do you. have time i have time just say you have. time time. two two visit this. visit this aids prison. eighth prison 8 15 or 80 there's going. to be a certain aids prison in. haiti yeah in 80. 8 15 or 8 20. 80 8 15 or 8 20. is she.

gonna be pissed off. i don't give a [ __ ] because that is the. most ridiculous. eight but there are people that probably. go yeah i'll do it does she have fun. with you like that. does she ever joke back no she's gonna. go. she'll say something like a simple no. would suffice. oh so you don't have this kind of. rapport with her i just sent it anyway. if you don't have that kind of report i. don't understand. or hey next week do you have time to.

visit this aids prison in haiti 8 15 or. 20. that's so mean i i got an offer saying. what if she fired you because of that. she's like i don't want to work with you. bro bro and i want to. say this i love abby. my manager abby i've been with her since. i was an open miker. a long time yeah 20 years ago longer. 25 years ago and she used to. when i couldn't pay rent or pay phone. bills.

or anything like that she would pay it. that's huge. and she would always look at me and she. goes i honestly because at that time she. had. two producers that she was managing she. was managing steve skrovan. who did everybody's loves raymond wow. and then um. um warren hutchinson who was doing. executive producing with the bernie mac. show. so she was making pretty good money all. right right so she would just pay my. [ __ ] and she'd just be like i know. for a fact that you're gonna work one. day and pay me back.

and you did and so when um. things started rolling and the bigger. management companies were going. you know the big ones we're going hey we. want to sign you. trust me tempted right you said no but i. would never leave her wow what is she. who's she with. she's just independent she's a woman. that lives in venice. right and she just has her she works out. of her house. you've met her she's been to the house. and she and she's just a sweet you know. that's really nice you stuck with her my.

first manager was not the same case. who was your first i noticed dude who's. not around anymore oh yeah i mean as far. as i know i don't know what he's doing. but. he would you know he kind of like. coerced me into. a like into his company i didn't even. know if i wanted to be represented. because i was like i don't know what. does he do what i don't really know if. he has any. does he really put you out on stuff and. i landed a job. and i had to pay him. for i don't even think he i don't know. if he got it for me or someone got it.

for me and i had to pay him anyway. but he would make me drive his checks to. his house or he'd stop by my place and. pick up checks. and he come by with his girlfriend. sometimes it bothered me so much it was. so gross and weird. that the second season when we got. picked up it was a hosting job. that i made them renegotiate the. contract so i didn't have a manager i. didn't have anybody. and he said and he said he was going to. sue me he goes i'm going to sue you. for the sunset clause i didn't know what. that was. yeah yeah and i said you better sue yeah. you better sue me for the sunset claus. i'll see you back. yeah and he says he's gonna sue me for.

for the uh for the payment on the next. year of that show. it's it's funny and i wasn't making any. money it was an internet. thing yeah it's like it's super petty. it's funny how. people bamboozle you early on when you. don't know much well you don't you you. don't know any better i don't know what. i'm so stupid and vulnerable and i just. thought. i guess if you can get me in yeah but. the job i landed i'll never forget. you know who's in that room sklar. brothers. um uh uh uh what's the guy who hosts uh.

um not ben bailey not cash cab. the other guy that hosts like everything. like that we know him he's a comic. matt eisen do you not remember him love. him. no you don't know him he does like um he. does wipe out. oh yeah yeah magnet matt and then and. and then another big name and i remember. walking into the room and going. i'm 23. i'm brand new nobody here knows. me i'll never ever get this job. there's literally no chance these are. all guys that have hosted stuff i've. seen before. she literally go this pam frasier shout.

out i don't know where she is now. she goes honey you funny you're funny. but you're not good at hosting. and i was like oh okay i've never done. it before i don't know i'm just a. comedian. yeah she goes we go figure something out. two days later she calls me back. she goes come back in they want to see. how funny you are. so i went in there i just got told jokes. live on camera. yeah in a green screen room i didn't. even think i thought this was just maybe. to just. let them know me and they gave me the. job i hate like. weird [ __ ] like you know johnny sanchez.

yeah so johnny and sanchez and i. auditioned for this mountain dew. commercial yeah and so. it was a call back right so four people. would go in at a time. yeah and then another four so they were. gonna pick three out of. you know i mean the eight sure that went. in so they go eric all right everyone. back in the room so we all came in the. back of the room and some white dude. just walks up and goes. in and out out out. and i'm and then john we were the ones. that are out yeah and johnny and are. like. you could just set that in the hallway.

yeah you didn't do that in front why did. you call. yeah what do we say about the korean guy. yeah but what people don't realize is. that like. we had spent three we had gone back. there the third. two or three times thinking parking yeah. santa monica. right yeah it takes hours to get there. if you don't know. la traffic forever and that you can't. find parking anywhere no right so you're. gonna get a ticket and you're stressed. out because you can't you're never gonna. make it you're never go.

yeah and then you you spent all these. hours doing it. just so that somebody go out to your. [ __ ] face in in. out yeah and looks in points at you like. you're like i've been in before. yeah right and when when they say in the. best i look at the outs and go. loser i always do that bye. take it easy yeah is it what's the best. when you got a call what was the best. job you got when you got that one. that little that one that one that's the. most exciting job you've ever had yeah.

you know why. why because it got me that's the i quit. my day job that day. it was the day i got to finally never. work in a day job again i hung up the. phone. i ran down the stairs and i ran on mid. wilshire. you i can't make this up from the e. building where that is that's where i. used to work across the street. all the way down all the way down. to vineland no sorry to. what whatever lost philly's boulevard. whatever that is yeah louisville's. boulevard right there high highland. or no no hill hillhurst whatever road.

ran all the way down. sat there realizing i just ran out of. the office. smiling laughing oh such is it the. greatest oh. felt so good i never stopped running i. just ran and ran and then i called my. mom. and i was like i'm never gonna have to. work a job ever again i'm not gonna have. to worry oh my god that joy. it felt so real can i tell you my best. yeah what is it. so i get a call say from um sasha baron. cohen's people. that they want to do a table read for. the movie the dictator.

right and i go table read. yeah i mean they're just calling every. comic and actor. you're not gonna get the part thanks. yeah but so i i show up. and it's one of those things where you. don't read it oh and you go it's just. gonna be in our office who gives a [ __ ]. right but then you show up and you. realize oh there's an audience. yeah right so we're all on stage and if. you look at the audio i'm not kidding. you. larry david gary shandling judd apatow.

everybody just taking notes yeah they're. all taking notes like they. everyone in the industry and i'm sitting. there when nick crowell was there. ran a zizzi just a bunch of [ __ ]. people we're all everyone's has a part. and i'm just playing the part that i. played in the movie. right yeah so i just do it and. i leave this is probably the greatest. moment in show business. so larry charles who directed the movie. yeah. gary shandling sasha they're all like.

sitting on this patio. outside these two doors but people are. walking out and they're talking. and i walk by them and gary goes gary. shanley goes stop. you kid stop and i'd go what. and he turns to them and goes you should. give that guy that part. that guy killed it wow and i go oh i. just. you know yeah you tried to play humble. you go with that i don't know. if it works it works right right right. and i remember i got in the car tears.

yeah tears people don't realize that. something like that. because you i i was you know i feel like. a loser all the time. yeah not being real no no i'm saying. yeah yeah you. get defeated yeah you just feel like a. loser that nobody wants. you that you're never gonna really make. it right. and so when you get a simple yes like. that yeah it means a lot. right you can start you start. fantasizing too and dreaming. right gary and i are gonna hang out yeah.

yeah never sell them again but you know. i mean. and just tears and you just like you. know and i. i want one of those wins features. it's f-e-e-t-u-r-e-s that's because. they're. sucks they're socks they're socks. they're my favorite socks changing your. socks gonna make a huge difference in. your daily walks. while you're out hitting the links or. playing a sport or whether you're video. gaming at home like bob you need your. feet to stay nice and cozy and woman. boy runners worldwide have made features. their sock of choice and now you can get.

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features when you use the code bet. friends at features.com that's feet. f-e-t-u-r-e-s features.com the promo. code is bad friends 10 bucks off your. first pair right i've had better like. when larry david hired me for curb. that was huge yeah that made me feel how. you just felt like. oh my god i made larry david laugh yeah. but the reason that that first job meant. so much to me is because i finally could. quit my day job. and i finally got to be a comic from. then i was a kid who worked at a desk. and then at night at a comedy but. couldn't take off she didn't they didn't.

let me leave i had to work this job to. pay rent. yeah mommy and daddy weren't going to. pay my rent so i just didn't have a. choice. but it's like that with first love too. definitely. right when you like have a crush on. somebody. and they don't reciprocate right um. and you don't mean the 24 hour every day. just thinking about them and just being. emotionally just crazy. then you go i don't deserve them i guess. i'm too ugly and stupid have you ever. asked someone to a dance and they said.

no. oh so many times boom yeah just broke my. soul honestly a girl that. quite frankly i was like you're not even. that hot i brought a girl. to prom yeah and i brought her there. i never saw her again i was her uber. driver. yeah it was a white girl i have a. [ __ ] problem photo at home. blonde hair yeah she's like that she. just walks up. thanks bye i'm gonna go hang with my. friends well she just no she didn't even. say that thanks close the door and she. just went into the prom. and i'm in the car stacey how'd you get.

here that weird korean guy. dropped me off yeah you thought you you. he liked you did you think you like it. yeah yeah yeah that's so mean i asked a. girl to go to a dance and she said. i think i'm waiting for someone else to. ask me yeah and i was like. ow and i picked her because i thought. it'd be easier i'm like she's not even. that good looking. she just texts back my manager okay. she goes i was just asking because some. people are just dying to get out there. no pun intended and they're doing these. drive-ins i agree with you that it's not.

worth it but i had to ask. i don't think there's an aids prison in. haiti there's two of them. and there's two of them there's two of. them. there's two of them wait can i by the. way i don't know if. i've said this before do you know my. claim to fame of going to a dance with. someone in high school was i went with. do you remember brett michaels had a. reality show called rock of love where. he picked. vaguely yeah okay the girl that won the. first season was a good was a friend of. mine in high school and we went to a. dance together and my mom sent me a. picture he goes. she goes she's sorting out old pictures.

goes who is this girl. i'll show you who she is yeah this is. her. yeah i went to pr we went to we went to. a dance together i don't know which. dance we went to. but oh she was more of this blonde look. when we were in high school together. this was when she got on tv with brett. michael she did the. rock and roll pink hair yeah she's a. super [ __ ] cool girl. and she seems cool she was dope as [ __ ]. but we went to a dance together and she. was a mega babe. and then she was the first person that i. knew in my group of friends that like.

made it made it yeah exactly i was like. whoa. she made it she's uh with brent michaels. i was blown away i was like holy [ __ ]. what is she a billionaire now yeah was. she worth eight billion dollars. yeah but it was a reality show that i. didn't even i didn't even. understand i didn't know what it was i. was like oh what did she win i don't. know. you know who darren carter is come on. the party the party's okay so there's a. comment i know who he is darren carter. he's a redhead as well. and he's they call him darren carter the. party starter he calls him that.

he calls himself yeah right he does. so when i was an open miker in san diego. he was a doorman at the comedy store in. la jolla he was yes. you know he worked la jolla he lived in. san diego i do know that i didn't know. he worked la jolla yeah he did so he was. a doorman there. right and um he brought me to this. coffee shop to do an open mic and i. always thought he was a nice guy. i love you very nice so much i still. like him so that he moves to la i'm. stealing it down there right and i'm. watching some cw or warner brothers show.

right and he has a line i was just in. the random sitcom. and the doorbell rings some guy answers. it and darren cars are going pizza. and they go yeah thanks and the door. closes. for a week i couldn't sleep why. i know that guy. i know derek oh my god. losing your mind lose telling people. around he's famous. you know the guy that was at the [ __ ]. doorman at the [ __ ] la hoya comedy. store i know him.

i know him like bragging about it he's. the pizza guy. on the cw yeah yeah and then when i saw. him again yeah. i got nervous hey well they did that. how's la. treating you yeah i hear you're doing. good good things right and he was just. like what the [ __ ] is wrong with you i. had one line in a. w yeah mr humble over here. when does your emmy come in the mail. do my dad embarrass me so much the first. time so the first time i ever saw a.

famous person. was in downtown chicago when i was a kid. at an ice cream store and it was the mom. from. um the mom from uh uh uh fred savage. show what's wrong with me yeah what can. i think of it. uh uh what's wrong with the wonder years. wonder years yeah. and she signed a napkin for me that was. the first time the second time i ever. saw someone famous yeah. i didn't want to say hi because i. thought it was so tom selleck in the. airport. whoa check this out yeah my dad i go. dad it's tom selleck and he goes where.

right there right there like right like. right you know like 20 feet away yeah. and he goes holy [ __ ] tom schillick. no tom selleck turns he goes what's up. and tom stella goes. hello and my dad goes right on. now. [Laughter]. now what you do is i cuz i still get. like that with people.

yeah but if i if i'm at an airport and i. see them. then i become an extra like i don't know. what it is my defense mechanism. mechanisms come out so i'm not like that. i could become. more douchey almost well because you. don't know how to act sometimes. i could be a huge fan yeah and think. about what's up and i could be like. hey but meanwhile i would suck that. guy's dick. right meanwhile you know you're just. pretending inside right yeah because you. just you don't know how to act i don't. know what actually it's only because you. if i don't admire someone if i don't.

think they're amazing if i'm not like. whoa. that guy or that girl is so good at what. they do if i just see someone that's. famous i usually just. you know okay whatever yeah but if i. like them then i get my brain changes oh. my god if i'm like. [ __ ] i really think they're good at what. they do like when sebastian monoskalko. he would i. kept asking him because when he was in. that uh the irishman. he was saying one night he said that um. joe petchey. like after they were done shooting a. scene goes hey. come to my trailer i have a chef.

i'll cook your meal and it's insane like. all right. he shows up it's like a a full-blown. chef. yeah like a real [ __ ] he's in joe. petchey's trailer. eating a steak right and in my head i'm. like. wow you know that's how they live that's. how they look and then like he was. saying that. you know when you work with dinero de. niro was just like hey i heard you doing. great things in the comedy business and. gave him a hug. oh right cool like those little moments.

yeah. i don't know if i would be able i think. i would just melt yeah. i do when i was walking from set to. lunch with larry david. i had nothing good to say i love that. guy by the way love was a nice guy i had. nothing good to say. so i was nervous i was nervous i never. get nervous yeah but it's larry. it's different you know what i mean it's. like he's the one he's the one so i'm. walking to lunch with him and i'm. silent and he's like uh you're good you. did good in the scene. i was like oh thanks like he's trying to. start conversation because we're walking. together yeah. and i was like thank you very much.

and you can tell he's pulling teeth yeah. oh man and then he goes he goes. jeff said you do stand up garland right. i go yeah yeah would you stand up. together at the comedy story he goes. awesome yeah yeah like go keep going. what are you doing i got i didn't know. and then. what are you doing you're better than. that no he but he's but it's larry. because i think anything i'm gonna say. he's gonna be like what. shut up like i'm afraid he's gonna be. like you're an idiot don't say that. don't ask me that. so i just kind of kept quiet then we sat. when we sat at lunch then jeff showed up.

and it made me feel better because jeff. you know jeff. hey hey love yeah. that's full of life i love that guy he. took care of it for me and then i. started talking and got normal. but i was nervous around larry larry's a. [ __ ] he's a comedic king so to me. i don't want to say the thing where he. goes to a party one night or is with a. friend and goes. yeah you know what that kid said some. dumb [ __ ] to me on the way to lunch yeah. it was really annoying because i did the. show season five when the show was more. popular and um. oh my god and you know what it got less.

popular after you did it. do you think that was a con do you think. that was a coincidence. you think that was a coincidence stop. that might be damaged from the. earthquake. why am i so mean to you i actually asked. the doctor that yeah why. i said should i look for any signs or. symptoms of of brain damage and she goes. you'll know you'll know oh. yeah so that i think that's it no coco. coco. that's not it ask me a question let's. see if i can solve it real fast go. i want a riddle no okay yeah i'm being.

real yeah i'm a riddle yeah. don't say [ __ ] riddle me this batman so. listen to me a grandfather got it. his father and his grandson. right a grandfather yeah his father. and their grandfather his son and his. grandson. so grandfather his son and his grandson. okay they go fishing okay you know this. one no. okay they go fishing you're right.

and they're in one car okay on their way. back. they get in a car accident oh no yeah. the grandfather. and his son they die of course the. grandson is still alive but he needs. surgery right he's in the emergency room. right he needs surgery right away the. surgeon walks in and says. i can't operate on this boy he's my son. what happened. the doctor's father and.

grandfather took his son out fishing. what are you saying i think i got it no. that's not it what are you talking about. the surgeon walks in the grandfather and. his son is dead the grandson's still. alive. the surgeon goes i can't operate on this. boy he's my son what happened. i can't operate in this boy he's my son. but you're saying his dad and his. granddad died in a car accident yeah. this mom has been sleeping around yeah.

this mom's a [ __ ]. so you think that's what it's a horror. riddle you think that's what it is it's. a riddle. yeah that's not the answer what is it. you don't want to give up i think you're. being too vague i think we're missing a. detail no we're not. it's very simple the surgeon thinks it's. his kid no. because because he's been knocking with. knocking boots with this girl. this woman is a [ __ ] no that is. happening what is it the. answer yeah the search is his mom. and that's sexist you're sexist and. that's sexist yeah and that's the.

the reason why you ask that riddle is. because you're a sexist person. that's funny that i assumed it was a man. i know but most people assume it's a man. that's why it's a public riddle. you can say that nobody got it i guess i. guess the first time no you didn't. why i know you did it why are you. blushing because i can't it isn't. interesting. i did i know i i couldn't figure it out. well cause you think you go the surgeon. guy walks in yeah yeah did you say man. no i said surgeon walks in i can't. operate on this boy he's my son. why can't she operate on the boy just. because it's her son because it's a law.

you can't operate on your own family. member because you'll give them better. attention yeah. no i guess that's a thing that's a bad. law. it's in the riddle in that world i don't. [ __ ] know it shouldn't be my side i. don't like the law. first of all if you're let's see let me. ask you this right dear surgeon. right and you have to operate on her. would you be too nervous to do that or. would you just get. let's say you have another friend who's. just as good as a surgeon as you. would you rather have him do it or you. do it me.

why because i know why i'm going to save. my wife's life. dude scalpel dude. i i wouldn't be able to do it she's dead. i wouldn't be able to do it no i don't. think so either i would be so nervous i. wouldn't want to operate on my family no. i wouldn't want you you'd be so. nervous yeah because if you killed you. drop a scalpel in the [ __ ]. inside the bottle right you're digging. up you know with the organs to get the. scalpel. it's like flying like [ __ ] a pizza. roller. yeah yeah meanwhile like cloud eye opens.

what are you what are you doing you're. right and you have her like long inner. [ __ ]. pancreas in her your hand go back to. sleep the scalp. went inside your body yeah that would be. terrible yeah yeah. you know rudy would be like i've got. this and fix it in like two seconds no. she makes sashimi yeah with her [ __ ]. knife. put our little plate with wasabi did you. order more knives. no do you want to let's get her another. knife. yes rudy more knives.

[Applause]. yeah why not yeah you yeah you would get. her another knife. there's room by the way your popularity. is growing so much a friend asked about. you a friend who's a fan of the show. he's like rudy is so funny and she. doesn't even try to be funny i said i. know. that's bad friends rude and she and he. said uh does she have like a big. following now. in instagram she's like 20 some odd. thousand followers 22.

she knows 22 000. yeah okay so. she's making a mark in comedy faster. than she thinks first of all i know a. dude. right who was on a tv show yeah right. who has been grinding for 25 years. in this business yeah who has 15 000. followers. i'm not kidding that's so mean and she. has i know and so i i told her the other. day i go. because she has two instruments. instagram accounts private she has a. private one. that has 100 followers right that's her. family friends.

island friends that's for your island. friends for island friends right. and i'm just like i just put it all in. one because the whole point of instagram. is to brag no but the island friends. know the other they follow the other. account did they follow the other. account. no i don't want them to know oh yeah. she wants to keep it private maybe bad. rudy that's not her real name yeah maybe. bad rudy her [ __ ] uh instagram. account. is her u.s persona that's right this is. rudy is. rudy's united states girl she's like in.

in in cebu. she's bruce wayne but in america she's. the dark knight she's the darkest of the. knights yeah. she's the darkest of the knives she's. the darkest knife the darkest knife. ladies and gentlemen the darkest night. the darkest night but so you have 22. 22 000 people are following you i wonder. if now opportunities are going to open. up after pandy's done maybe she can host. something. what if she gets offered what's that's. here's the thing. i'm trying to get her out of her shell. do we take pro commission on anything. she likes well. no i'm trying to get her out of the show. because she doesn't like to talk that.

much yeah. or even around the house like she'll be. laying there. like what have i been doing lately what. do i have saved up in the in the in the. closet. you've just been doing video games no. but the thing that i'm trying to make a. ball of what. boogers bob why. what do i have in the in the closet you. have. i don't know five or ten boogers. and you're trying to make it into a ball. you're trying to make a booger ball bud.

yeah are you really and it's right now. worth it oh it's like. it's you're gonna get it if you don't. i'm sticking her mouth. what do you think about that hey. no i'm being real yeah yeah okay good if. he. if he does it then i'm also going to do. it you're going to do it back to him. yeah you're playing with fire kids she. also has knives around the house that's. why i haven't done it. because you're afraid of the knife yeah.

what if she what honestly what if she. comes back and starts hurting you you. don't think she's capable. because i do i really do i think that. would be a proper end. to this life if rude killed you i think. that'll be a fantastic story. how many times do you think you've um. lived oh. probably hundreds of times hundreds if. not thousands yeah which life haven't. you lived yet that you're wait that. you're excited for. well if this is my show business life. this is not good enough but um. it is good enough i think that uh. i want to do like a primitive life right.

like a tribe like people. part of a tribe what part of the tribe. would you be gathering. a gatherer fruits and nuts and stuff so. you would be out gathering and making. i'd be making like. water moccasins and whatnot um. a little seamstress would you stitch and. sew yeah i'd be. the tribe [ __ ] you'd be slutting. yourself out to everybody yeah the gay i. would have to be a man. and after the the great hunt but you'd. be very. effective with the buffalo yeah after.

the great haunt. i'm just laying on my belly in a tent. right. and i put like animal fat animal fat. right because it's like a natural lube. i'll just take you know buffalo animal. fat right and just. rub it just jam it into my butthole. right just lay on my stomach right and. get some boys. you'll make like a. [Music].

my my cousin or whatever would have. tickets yeah. but the tickets are made of park yeah. come on. right and they would come in and and oh. you get you get. two minutes there's a hundred people in. trouble and one guy's keeping. keeping clock yeah he comes and goes all. right yeah. you're like and they come out like. almost disappointed. yeah because the further the line goes.

it right they're like the 80th guy. he comes out he's like too loose. because imagined right yeah 79 dog eyes. have already been in there. yeah too loose couldn't come no. no no oh. i know what you would do too right you. would take two [ __ ].

i know you would do you would take two. [ __ ] like buffalo bone. yeah and put it on my ass cheeks to make. it squeeze it together like this. and you would just try to just get some. friction there right. right. [Laughter]. [Music]. wow let's live that life let's live that. let's live that life i haven't lived. that one. um yeah that i have not lived was. another life i want to be i want to be. back in like the. i want to be back just one time in kings. and queens like 15th century type of. [ __ ]. oh yeah so bad i want to be a jester i.

want to be a little court jester. yeah and i want to hang out in my little. lounge with the other artists and i'm. going to i want to eat. eat eat whatever food they give us and. drink and be drunk all the time and they. go out there and they're like. and you get out there and i'm like and. do a little dance and then i like and. they beat me they beat you every night. but they still love you you know yeah. but they're not going to kill you they. don't care they don't kill the gym in. the same castle. you're in with me yeah i'm the castle. [ __ ] you're still casually okay you're. a [ __ ] in another life. i'm still there hello welcome welcome. you know i mean i'm still doing the same.

thing. have you visited the [ __ ] upstairs and. you're like hello boys. yeah and you're beautifully draped by. the way you always have the nicest. clothes in these other lives yeah. i would i want a simple life you want no. one of them has to be very simple like a. butcher. a cobbler a shoemaker a footmaker or. like something that i'm good at. one thing i want you know what i see you. as a fisherman. yeah that would be a nice yeah that was. a night yeah show the fish to the. village and they go. yeah yeah yeah every day yeah you go out. there you catch some fish you come back.

you cook. you talk god imagine though back in the. day. when like a fisherman got like. lupus or you know someone's disease or. or they got or they got. cancer well when they didn't know what. cancer was you they didn't even know. what it was. yeah you had stomach cancer and there's. like no medicine really. yeah they just say so for a year you're. just like ah. you know oh my god you know what they do. with a fisherman they put them out on a. boat and they just push them out to sea. and they're like they don't do that yeah.

they do bye and then when you go bye. i don't want you to spread the disease. to the town ah push you out to sea. or like when they used to just [ __ ]. burn people alive that's terrible. isn't it but they would just go anything. which remember back then. which which okay she's like i'm just you. know yeah. i'm clean i'm sweeping i'm sweeping the. and they would just tie you you know. what the [ __ ] was going on oh my the. horrors. they would just pick people to kill i.

know they just really. wanted to kill you anything that was. different could you imagine me and you. in a town back then they would kill us. immediately yeah the korean guy and the. red-headed boy. oh i always think um imagine freaks do. you imagine this. you and i we're time travelers right. yeah. yeah and you and i are wearing cowboy. hats and we're just galloping into. deadwood. okay all right you're at the lead.

and we walk into the saloon right you. know how the piano guy stops. and everyone just turns right and you. know i mean i'm still. on your back yeah all right and you go. hey. man i go hey fellas here to grab us a. drink. yeah we love whiskey got whiskey you. guys have any whiskey in this bar we. would be. hung just right now like cut to the next. scene. just dangling from it yeah oh my god we. caught these two. we caught these two gay boys rolling. into town kissing and hugging on each.

other. was a chinese boy yeah the other one was. a freak a red-headed freak oh speaking. of my freakness. i had to look this up the doctor was. asking me do i have any um. allergies to medications and i said not. really that i know of. but my pain tolerance for medication is. pretty high my tolerance is high. and she was like oh yeah redheads do you. know about this. we can handle 20 percent more. uh tolerant level for for painkiller.

stuff like that. we need 110 of anesthesia anesthesia. anesthesia because we slip out of it all. the time. so if i get surgery and they don't juice. me up i'll just like you said with a. scalp. i'll just wake up in the middle of it in. the middle of surgery i can wake up they. say it happens in red heads all the time. i think it's the lord's way of saying. get rid of these people no i think the. lord's way is saying. we're going to make this particular. group of people. look sick yeah. but we're going to give them strong.

resilience ah. you know yeah there's a yin and yang to. everything. what's your yen because i know what your. yang is what's my. egg i know what your hair what's my egg. man i know you oh tell me where my hand. is got a couple of gangs. i don't know which one's which yeah yeah. what is yin and yang what's that i have. no [ __ ] idea isn't that weird that. nobody knows. it's just the opposites that balance. each other right yeah that's life. life is yin and yang life is ying yang. um i know you're a big fan. of ellen and i'm sorry to hear all the. ensuing news about her.

being called out you know. first of all i don't know her you're a. big fan big friend big fan i'm not a. friend you know her very well. she produced the show i was on last year. yeah i know you didn't meet her and i. never met her. no no uh you see she got called out but. these are things i've heard those things. you know it's you know i've said this. before and i'll say it again. there are certain things that go around. with that you hear. you know yeah i've heard things um.

for years and then it comes into a. reality one day. like the allen thing there's many things. yeah you know. um and um some of them you don't believe. some of them you go there's that's valid. the rumors um there's some big hollywood. stars that have weird. little rumors that people don't talk. about but you just kind of know. it's it's said you know yeah and. sometimes they don't come out.

right but with ellen you i did hear. certain things like um you couldn't lock. eyes with her couldn't look her in the. eye i thought i heard that but i thought. that was [ __ ] yeah but that had hurt. that. yeah but it sounds like [ __ ] yeah. like how do you work with some. like a boss yeah i don't care what i. mean. get me a latte you're like okay what. size it's just like she shows you you're. like oh [ __ ]. yeah she puts it right over her face. just to test you yeah. you're looked yeah i've heard that but.

they called her out they said it was. abusive behavior. um uh and then it got turned into one of. the producers is getting in trouble for. being. you know creepy to whatever the people. cast to to people that work there. but it's funny because i i'm thinking um. ellen doesn't know what's going on. inside of her stable i don't know. maybe she knows what she does and then. brad garrett. came out today and was like yeah she's. not nice i was like wow brad get this. really i was like. he's quiet usually about a lot you know.

what i mean. all i know about ellen is because um do. you know who jeff lala is. i don't jeff lala runs the addison. improv. okay all those improvs in texas sure and. he's been in the comedy industry for 35. years. and one day we were doing press in the. morning. and i'm like so what big comics did you. hang out with back in the day. in the early days and he goes ellen. and i go oh really ellen degeneres yeah.

i would drive her from city to city. like she would do one night you know in. houston sure and i would get in the car. and i would drive her. and we would hang out and i go what is. she like he's like she was always. hard-working yeah very funny yeah she. never complained. she never complained because she knew no. so you think. she's a woman in the 80s. difficult who's who's gay who's gay but. doesn't. can't come out can't come out yeah. difficult right um. in in a male dominated industry totally.

right. and um she had to. jump over certain hurdles that we. we might not have had to jump over i. know that. i know that um as an asian guy i've had. to jump over a lot of hurdles that. others i don't complain about them i. just know that they were there. right sure and so um and then she became. one of the biggest stars on planet earth.

i don't know what it's like to be what. it's like to be her. yeah i say that i think that i don't i. don't walk her shoes i don't know. anything. i'm not there but if the but if it's. true that you can't look around the eye. that's [ __ ] insane. that's what i mean if it's stuff like. that i'm like what that's crazy if it's. just like when somebody goes. they're mean to me i'm like lots of. people are mean to you yeah. what do you like yeah what i mean i've. read things that i'm mean. you in what regard like like well i met. him he was not nice to me or. you know and then it's like you don't.

remember you're like i don't remember. that's because the interaction went like. this. uh i'm you and you you're an adoring fan. say hi to me on the patio this is i'm. you. and you're the fan go ahead hey dude. [ __ ] hey what's up man. how are you huge fan man thank you very. much um so we got to go to that. and you're just talking to somebody else. and then that guy goes. [ __ ] bobby lee didn't even [ __ ] give. me the time of day right. but you were already talking to somebody. else yeah so it's kind of like people. can just say you're. people can just say that you're a dick.

just because. they like you and they didn't get from. you what they wanted oh. one time i did which is super [ __ ]. selfish in in i was in chicago. in um in february no i was at the. schomburg improv oh yeah. and um i did a meet and greet and. three days later i get an instagram. message from a woman going. hey i just want you know my my husband. hasn't slept in three days. and i'm like what happened right and she.

goes. because he didn't me you were you were. talking to somebody and. he made some sort of asian joke and then. you just kind of turned your head. like he have completely offended you you. probably didn't even hear it i don't. remember. any i don't know what the [ __ ] she's. talking about yeah yeah so. he's like what's up chang in new yeah i. wasn't even hearing it i was doing. something else. so maybe you know with ellen it could be. a lot of that i don't know i wasn't. there. so many could you imagine how many times. people have said something to you that. they think they said wrong and you.

didn't even. it didn't register the people just say. stuff and you're like i don't know man. i'm doing. especially when you're doing 15 things. you're meeting people and you're yeah i. know i take a picture and do all that. stuff. someone could be like hey man i'm your. biggest fan you're like thanks man. and that guy's like that's it we live in. a strange world where. people know the gossip is. black magic no it is it is. you know gossip is the worst thing. our society does because it's you it's. always. like there's lies and opinions.

that are threaded through gossip yeah. because it's one yeah yeah so the truth. becomes muddled. right truth it doesn't exist it doesn't. even exist just because it turns into. this thing what people think. and it's that's what social media is. yeah twitter. people accuse people of things and it's. like we live in a very. dark alternative reality i think it's. people are bored and tired and the pandy. has made people angry as [ __ ] and. they're broke and they don't have a job. and so this is an outlet to go. [ __ ] you or [ __ ] you or i like this and.

i hate this. yeah a lot of our friends in comedy have. been doing. um jimmy kimmel guest hosting and bob. and i submitted. and uh we didn't get it and we were. jealous because a lot of people got it. you know sebastian got it eliza eliza. whitney. um uh what other comics did it. um but dude it doesn't matter we. submitted it. it hurts me that we didn't get i know. but we're not. them it doesn't matter we submitted a.

good tape yeah but we're. it's like saying um hey. youtube not even you two coldplay got. something. and it's like fugazi didn't i know but. fugazi is. cooler we put in a lot of work fugazi's. cool just on its own and you two is cool. on its own. yeah yeah whatever let them be okay well. anyway we submitted some tapes we. submitted it. personally it's fine yeah i slept. it didn't sleep no yeah it's ruined it's. honestly the fact that they emailed back. and said no thanks.

lol yeah anyway i guess we'll show it. um hey everybody okay. today i o jimmy kimmel. i don't i don't want to do this bob i. don't want to do this. i don't i don't want to do it.

jimmy kimmel he uh he's not gonna host. the show for a while so i i'm going to. uh try to get the job there to do the. whole things. you have to [ __ ] do it i can't. believe i don't know what to say give me. your [ __ ] idea give me any joke to. say. i do comedy too shut the [ __ ] up. okay here we go hey. alive around the world is uh the world. is absolutely insane right now what's. going on around the world. uh hey everybody talking bang here oh.

boy what go ahead in the world right now. it's crazy it's 150 million. a thousand people died from corona. and boy melania trump i i do i [ __ ] her. i [ __ ] you gotta make it uh g ready. it's for network tv. so oh okay so i saw it they said oh boy. what going around this town right now. holy moly [ __ ] 150 000 million people. died from kovit. 19 donald trump wife melania i.

i stick. there was a guy who was raising sea. turtles. and check this out and he's selling them. uh he's selling them at uh two shells of. pop. he's he's uh this guy's getting. he's getting a killer deal on that uh. don't talk about the maloney.

they matter and you know you go to the. protest. right you stood sign do not do that to. the black. right and you know one time i went to. protest. and i saw a woman while protesting with. her when she looked like uh. you know milani no not the president's. wife no but she. did not do it was not her because this. was in l.a.

so this is not her but she looked like. okay she looked like. maloney so she protesting black lives. i was getting 22 like a black lives. getting to the right and then i hit. like this her hip right and i look at. her i go. you know one day you and i could go no. stop saying you're gonna have sex with. the president's wife she's not there. okay yeah yeah yeah. okay okay my god what's going on with.

the ui2k. the y2k man 2000. everything is going to be wipeout. there's a um. we're never going to get this gig if you. do that. so rudy um has a poem she wrote. i'm going to read your poem yes you're. going to read her poem and if you didn't. write it you're going to have to make. one up. i don't have you said you were going to.

write a poem so you're going to write a. poem. about the butterflies write it write it. about it write it right now about it. filipino butterflies and knives yeah. um hey hey don't ever uh oh. you're gonna make that you're gonna make. papa mad i don't have the poem. you better just make it up right now. because we asked you to make up a poem. and you didn't do it. okay okay yeah. roses are red yeah they are.

violets are blue yeah. the philippine butterfly yeah. [Music]. is this beautiful. i see you. thank you for being a bad friend. [Music].