The Bad Friends Halloween Spooktacular! | Ep 37 | Bad Friends

let's go oh every [ __ ] time oh no. oh my god oh no no no. you're such a [ __ ] brat what do you. want i want her to. ask me how i'm feeling and how often do. you genuinely ask him how he is you make. you make me sound like i'm i'm the bad. guy. get closer to the bike don't back away. yeah you have to get close to the mic so. we can hear you yeah. no get closer to the mic um get closer. to the mic. uh stay close get closer to the bike get. closer uh. get closer to the bike don't go away. talking to the mic just keep your mouth.

right where the mic is closer to the. [ __ ] bike closer to the bike. get closer to the mic talking to the mic. get closer to the mic talking to the mic. your mouth. um. happy halloween get closer to the bike.

you two are bad. we're bad friends. [Music]. [Laughter].

so andrew at your age do you still. celebrate halloween. look at me i'm 37 i'm dressed up i know. but does it. what how do you feel when you do it i. feel good. really i love dressing up i love i love. when the kids come into my neighborhood. and they want candy. i wait last year i handed out 50 bags. 50 bags you got to be kidding me all. mexican kids too. all mexicans came in my neighborhood. i've never yeah ever bought a bag of. candy.

for halloween you don't have you don't. like kids come trick-or-treat at your. door i i put. apples you're a turd put razor blades in. it. no i've never bought any candy yeah. because i've always lived in an. apartment. which is i think that's the reason why i. got oh i know this is my first house. yeah i did it last year for the first. time i never have done it before right. but that's why i. loved living in an apartment because you. didn't have to do that [ __ ] no see i. love it. i was on the third level right right. tucked away in the car. in the corner no one came this year we.

got the house. right i turn up i go turn off the light. turn off all the lights. we're not home really yeah and we just. sat on the couch. until the wee hours of the night that's. so mean. why because those kids want candy it. gives. it's bad it gives them diabetes yeah. right. it's not healthy for them so vitamins. may be looking vitamins and some zinc. maybe but look who's talking you smoke. and you drink red bull i know. so who cares i also bought you a look at. the okay you just bought me.

i bought my favorite candy of um. candy corn candy corn it's my favorite. one do you like candy corn jewels. i've never tried oh give it slide that. bucket to me yeah. so do you know you know these are this. is an american uh. tradition i [ __ ] hate these things. people defend them let me do my case. first go ahead. i hate these they're disgusting usually. old people really like them. because they're like easy to chew. there's no crunch there's no crackle. there's no snapple there's no pop um you.

always can find these at an old white. person's house here in the united states. during this time of year. and they'll be in a glass bowl of a. grandma's in a kitchen. and they're there for months after. because no one likes this [ __ ]. so i want you to try some candy corn. all right jules. what's the verdict it has a weird taste. yes it does okay he loves them go ahead. and defend him you psycho. weirdos love this i know weirdos can i.

defend them yeah all right. number one perfect size. yeah for you for you no no from the. mouth well because your limited number. of teeth you can't crunch through candy. i get that. no no they're mashable no okay okay. that's rude. fact all right number two right. my favorite colors orange like me i love. orange. right i love yellow like me you right. and then i love white people. look at the cube like you okay so i like. the colors. and now when i first ate a candy corn.

yeah when i was a kid do you remember. yeah i do i remember you know putting in. my mouth i was at. some old white person's house uh my. friend craig's grandfather's house. get in a white jar yeah i ate it i went. wow. i hate it right he goes. hey help sing because back then you. could say stuff like that yeah. you still can't yeah a little hop sing. hey noodles. you don't get it yet it'll grow on you. and i get okay. and then one day i realized when i ate.

it because this is after. i add probably a variety of thousands of. different kinds of candies. yeah but this is like um. it's very simple right yeah it doesn't. try to. it doesn't try to deceive you with fancy. flavorings. yeah i mean you know how you you get. like a um. you know a gatorade or starburst or. whatever they have fancy. names you know what i mean yeah cool. blue yeah like ice glaciers. on green you know nitro lightning.

no and and then you taste it's like a. weird flavor this is pure. sugar yeah and that at the end of the. day. is what i want just confectionary sugar. a sweet perfectly shaped you're going to. mean. item directly put in my toothless mouth. and that's going to just make more. toothless teeth it doesn't matter so i. i'm a big candy corn freak. you love candy corn i love them i want. people to tell us from home the fans if. they like candy corn jules you still. you still don't like it but you want.

another one no okay good see she hates. it. see there's these some people taste it. they go i don't know if i like it and. you eat a few more and you go. maybe i can't stand them i can't stop. i put them over my you can eat it i was. thinking on the car right over here um. of the three big. halloween like um you know the movies. that they've made you know that the um. the icons you have frankenstein uh-huh. you're the werewolf man. you have the werewolf man yeah yeah what.

movie is that. the werewolf which one um. john john the werewolf i don't know. there's a name. what werewolf movie are you talking. about well is it a werewolf. okay first of all there's been teen wolf. with michael j fox no not that one. phenomenal film. not that one didn't like court mccowan. in it um. and uh werewolves of london yeah. something like that but it is. werewolves right are a thing that people. watch. sure and and then you have frankenstein.

yeah. right they're also um what about the new. generation like halloween friday the. 13th. just talk about the three first the. three most famous halloween movies. no no the icons of old hollywood. yeah those things frank vampires. frankenstein frankenstein and the. werewolf invisible man is one. the invisible man yeah yeah okay so. these movies are really sticking out to. you.

you remember these so well yeah the bit. that i had. is going away from the bit that i had. well just do the bit. right and now it's like we're we. railroaded into this area. it doesn't matter what are the most. famous what are the most famous this is. not what i wanted. stop doing this whatever you're doing. right now this is not what i wanted my. intentions i knew was gonna backfire on. qb halloween first of all adam sandler's. new movie hubie halloween is the most. famous halloween movie of all time. period oh god what i'll just tell you.

the bit i was going to go in. do it right out of the three which one. would you be the ass. pros and cons of it that's all and then. went into another let's try let's try it. again. let's try let's try it you ready. you ready yeah i just didn't know how to. get into it what are the. what are these halloween movies that. what what a where the werewolf they're. iconic [ __ ] halloween characters. frankenstein the werewolf. and vampires yeah you would be. frankenstein. no you'd be the werewolf no i just.

wanted to talk to you about each one. with the pros and cons. well give them to me give them to me. baby no it's going to ask you it but. it's like not even you have candy corn. on your chin. nightmare before christmas is my one of. my favorite i don't even know what that. is i don't even want to know what it is. tim burton you do know it doesn't. write what i'm saying to you right this. is halloween this. is halloween halloween halloween. halloween halloween. i've always loved halloween one of my.

favorite holidays because it's right. around my birthday it's right after my. birthday it incorporates. incorporates a lot of orange me a lot of. spooky stuff. skeletons i dressed up one time as a kid. and what happened was i got expelled. from school. in middle school my friend alan meadows. and i dressed up as black people. and we got expelled. did you we did you black face we did. blackface and we brought afros. right what did you what did we we called. i don't know what we were. what did you use for the blackface i'm. always curious shoe she's like shoe. polish yeah yeah yeah and then.

um i remember going to the principal's. office and this is in 1980s. 80s early 80s and then i remember them. saying the principal going like you. can't do that. okay guys what color what color was he. he was white and i go um. and my only thing was there's no black. people at our school yeah it's poway. yeah and he's like it doesn't matter but. you're like but it does because they. won't know. they won't no it's like you know if i if. a tree yells the n-word in the woods. does anybody hear it yeah yeah yeah so. it's.

insane i was just like yeah i just don't. know how to choose right. no you do also i was going to bring in. some stuff that i found at the halloween. store. you know what it's so funny it's like. you couldn't cancel halloween costumes. because they're i feel bad bye. bye no you don't you were young yeah i. was a kid i didn't know any better and i. feel bad about it but you know i wore a. ninja. costume and my mom that's rude and my. mom. put tape on my eyes to my put my eyelids. down. yeah yeah i'm swear to god did it. well why would why would but that let me.

just say first of all you're. making an assumption that all ninjas are. asian they are. not all of them name a white american. ninja you ever see the movie. gymkata that lure white people shut up. there are white ninjas all the famous. ninjas are asian. yeah i'm just saying bruce lee jackie. chan i know but. it's like saying like um all italians. where i own pizza restaurants a good. amount i know a black guy that runs one. rarely good you know what i mean.

it's gonna be bad i know what my point. is is that i'm stereotyping. it's working you have to go all the way. and put the [ __ ] tape your phone yeah. you do. you do yeah did you paint your face. yellow too then a little bit. a little bit i poisoned myself and i had. a little bit of jaundice so i looked a. little bit yellow yeah and then let me. ask you this did you do an accent. oh of course of course you did you love. doing this cheek order the treat. yeah you love doing it you love doing it. i had. they tried you they try to cancel. costumes every year. but how how could you cancel a costume.

they're all you could. you could find something wrong with all. of them with everything they represent. how is this not racist towards [ __ ]. leprechauns. not a real thing they're making fun of. tiny irish people. so how is this not racist that should be. racist because it is irish people were. oppressed. dude everything every costume the reason. it's funny. is because it's joking about a. stereotype yeah that's why it's funny. that's why that there was a [ __ ]. section at the halloween store. they had um it said voodoo stuff. and it was bones through the nose uh.

like necklaces with saber tooths on it. yeah. uh shaman sticks to shake and give you a. small head and stuff like that. how is that what's the difference at. some point yeah it's ridiculous to even. try to cancel costumes you can't. you have a you can't like for instance i. bet you money you can't now wear a. headdress. there was there was still native. american stuff there there was tons of. it. i was at the um a club in edmonton. there's a mall i don't know if you've. been to that mall. rick a thousand times rick bronson's. room dude that's. that's first of all first of all shout.

out to the bronson family who was so. loving and checked down on. in on me the whole time they also. headlined me before i was ever ready. yeah i love that. they're the best they're great they're. the best they're the best but yes the. west edmonton mall. right so um there was like a photograph. you know one of those old-timey. photograph things that you can go. what do you what do you mean when you. just walk there's like a like it's a. store. but it's really a studio oh yeah yeah. you have that old-timey backdrop. you know what i mean yeah and they only. had cowboys and indians. right right so i go i don't really.

i think i identify more as an indian the. way i look. i'm not gonna wear a cowboy outfit and. take the photo there were asian cowboys. though. no yeah they were who they were asian. cowboys no. it oh god in the old west right there. were no asian cowboys what they were. were. they were in the world they owned the. opium dens yeah. laundry mats right and stuff like that. and they were the dynamic detail one as. a railroad you don't think one or two of. those guys got on a horse put on a hat.

that's the only way but it's like they. didn't ride like regular horses they. probably wrote like yeah little doggie. yeah yeah you know what's so funny too. what are you doing in this part of town. chang. yeah but there was never any um. i think because asians are so like um. nothing submissive is not the right word. but they like to no just. here i think that's the right word i. don't think it is right they they like.

to. um they don't want to be seen right yeah. and they want to acclimate themselves. and just blend in. right and cause no trouble you know i. mean so i think that's why you never saw. like. just a bunch of asians hanging from. trees you know what i mean. what what do you mean what are you. talking about well back in the day right. if we were loud and boisterous kind of. people oh you get hung up we would get. hung a lot and read up a lot you never. read about that but the asians they hid. no we were like you know.

right this way mr johnson right in any. job that you know we had back then right. it was always like come please come in. you know i mean it was never like. come in get over here yeah yeah he. smoked. [Music]. thank you so much china china right and. they would smoke and relax. okay mr johnson you feel good i'll come. back. you want a gin tea right yeah and they. were like that. laundry right come on bring your.

bring your dirty body in here i clean it. right. it's always a kind very sweet yeah so. there were no asian cowboys. yeah we were just you know in the either. the food industry. or railroad industry yeah. that's where it comes from what ching. chong. king oh yeah railroad yeah that makes. sense. never thought of that yeah but like. other like the irish. would complain about their backs first. of all first of all the irish were.

and the same token the irish were blue. collar slaves they worked for no money. they had to become thieves a lot of them. because they couldn't get work yeah. there's old signs you see that say. irish need not apply i don't know why. they hate people they hated the irish so. much. because i guess they thought they were. useless because they were like i know. another you know another race that's. like that but i love the irish. our nationality is um the polish. right right like back in the day like. you would like it um.

you know i mean how many polish people. does it take to turn the lights on a. light bulb. right i don't know what the punchline is. ten thousand because they're so. [ __ ] [ __ ] that's the punchline or. whatever. right right you'd be like as a kid you'd. listen to go and you wouldn't find it. funny because you don't really get that. stereotype yeah. but then you watch polish people now. right like johanna yang chang check your. chest. you know she is yeah and she's beating. the [ __ ] on people like you know what. i'm in and. she's a bright girl and yeah no i don't. that came from this.

like i'm from chicago chicago has a. higher population of polish people than. warsaw that's a fact. happened years ago and when i was a kid. you used to hear so the. the slang the racial epithet they'd say. pollock. that's what they call polish people and. when you're a kid you hear you don't. understand why. they make fun of polish people and then. you get older and you just. still don't i don't i don't get it i. don't know what it is i think it's like. a. you just can i don't know but where did. that start come from though. i think because maybe stefano we should.

ask him maybe russians maybe russians uh. the beef between russia and poland maybe. russians looked down on them and they. took that to america i have no idea. yeah yeah the joke in chicago always was. that polish guys like. they never finished anything all the way. or they did cheaper or labor that was. like. because they a lot of them worked in. construction or worked on we're. contractors. i didn't get it when i was a kid but it. was thrown around a lot yeah it it it. it questions all kind of these. stereotypes that don't make any really. sense yeah they just well they said the.

standard one two in la would be maybe. you know i mean everybody's gay no. mexicans are lazy. see that's a that's a weird old phrase. that i think was taken from like the. cartoon era of like uh. but then you see it never speedy tell us. remember speedy gonzalez's best friend. that job. right remember his remember his best. friend what was his name speedy. gonzalez's best friend oh yeah yeah he. was always like hey. speedy sleepy bean sleepy beans. yeah and then and and that was like this.

weird perception that like uh. that there was a lazy idea no they're. the the polar opposite. i don't think i've i don't think i know. i don't think i've ever not seen. a mexican guy either working or. looking for work or just getting off a. job or like you know i mean. what do you do for a living well i've. got 15 jobs yeah all of me you're like. oh [ __ ] i'll do anything you need to do. yeah and it's like who's the laziest. people then. i don't think a people is lazy a type is. lazy what's the type. of person yeah what are you.

i think i'm um entitled fat. you know i mean this is great small yep. right. type of person so entitled fat spoiled. people. yeah they're lazy yeah yeah yeah yeah. but you weren't the son of a billionaire. so you're entitled for someone that. didn't know well what. my therapist said was um that i. because i struggled so hard as a. comedian and it was so broke for so long. same that once i.

once i got stuff yeah right i just. became entitled really quickly. so i worked so hard you know but that's. wrong because they can take it all away. they did take it away and then you. humble yourself and then it can go away. again. that those are the times is when you. humble yourself lose the entitlement. no it's oh you're gonna keep it i can't. wait for the entitlement you you do it. now. i know i'm in a good i'm going to. upswing. i'm an upswing but when things start. disappearing i'll become humble bob. again.

humble bobby yeah do you really believe. do you believe in any of the stuff that. that i get into like this because i love. halloween do you believe in ghosts. and spirits no i think it's um you don't. believe in any kind of apparition or. spirit or. you believe i mean we talked about. ghosts that i grew up with them but um. i know but you really don't believe in. it no because um. i think everything can be explained by. science and also a lot of it's illusions. you know i mean like i. i've been driving you know what i mean. you've been driving i was driving in the.

desert. once yeah i was going from vegas. to bar style yep and i um was driving in. the desert during the day. and i didn't drink any water is you're. already dehydrated i was dehydrated but. i was just driving i had i remember i. had to get somewhere. and the heat it was really hot yeah my. car didn't have air conditioning. what is that called again a mirage when. you saw mirage and i. was looking in the desert and i saw. these hands chewing in the mic it's.

[ __ ] so gross what what it's just. the candy corn end of the mic it's just. why. what's wrong with you today i just don't. want to hear it yeah but it i'm. you don't it's so small just swallow it. whole. don't put candy next to me if you don't. want to hear me chew it you have a whole. bucket full of [ __ ] candy corn here. man you put a whole. chunk in your mouth right now so you saw. hands waving. you don't like um chewing swallow it. no no i'm chewing the whole [ __ ] show.

you want to distribute that one. uh gram of sugar all over your mouth as. much as you can i love flavors baby i. know you do you want my whole mouth to. [ __ ] experience so you're driving in. the desert and you see hands waving and. what happens. no but my point is is that i saw a bunch. of hands waving like we're at a. coachella or something huh. right in the distance sticking out of. the sky no no. like let's say this is the desert. they're sticking out of the you know i. mean like this the horizon the horizon. and they're just waving their hands. i mean i think they were going you know. i mean go go to me.

crash crash i saw a bunch of hands. waving right. but so what you think that's everything. that's not real yeah well it's an. illusion but it's real to you you've. created that. so it's really it's still not real it's. so it's an illusion in my mind. what's real then nothing really. shift station oh god i love ship station. do you know why. why it it i use it in all my businesses. yeah you know i use it in tiger ballet i. use it here in bad friends yeah baby it. is such.

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you use that's right you can get honey. free today at joinhoney.com. bad friends that's right that's. joinhoney.com bad friends. rudy jules do you believe in ghosts and. spirits and ghouls and goblins and. ghosts. um not really but i'm interested in it. you are yeah it's nice and yeah oh my. god. she's she hasn't what are you by the way. for halloween what did you put. what is this i don't know i forgot that. it was today. yeah and so i had a wig so i just yeah.

yeah i knew it. i knew it and what are you bob what did. you dress up as. some tripoli. what an inside joke yeah no i don't know. what i i. what you're a wolf that's a wolf i don't. know what it was what happened was. we were i go she was in the backyard. and i go i had just woken up i woke up. at. three o'clock i know i got the text. right so i go in the backyard and she's. back there. well remember okay first of all i want. to address this real quick okay.

so and we had a kind of an argument at. the house can i just see if you can side. with me yeah. okay go ahead so um so kalila's. best friend it's her birthday today. happy birthday. okay i don't wanna say her name because. i love her but um. so for her birthday she went what do. they wanna do. go fishing go fishing at what time. six a.m at troutdale i don't know. which area but yeah oh so when i was and. they didn't invite me. right because it's at 6 00 a.m no that's.

not true. i think the reason why they didn't. invite me because i knew. they knew that i knew that that. was rude right wait what's rude. just hear me out okay okay if i have a. birthday. yeah right i'm not gonna call people to. go. hey you're gonna get up at five in the. morning to go to the lake. to fish how rude is that well because. then. my good friends would be like all right.

right. your best friends would show up anyway. yeah but they wouldn't like it yeah but. if it's something that you loved i would. do it for you just if you yeah. i wouldn't see but that's the thing i. wouldn't want to put you through that. right so i just be like i'm gonna go. fishing. right that's like when i go golfing in. the morning right so i was we had a. little argument today i'm like you know. i just found that behavior to be rude. okay i don't think it's rude but. do you think it's rude that they didn't. ask you to go or that i know why they. didn't ask me to go. because i just think that the whole. gesture was like kind of.

you know okay look at it exclusive when. you go fishing you have to get up early. to go fishing. you just have to when you're going out i. understand that so don't. invite people they didn't invite you no. but they invited the. that's why the point though you feel. left out no. i'm lost no. what's rude the fact that they didn't. invite you or the fact that they wanted. to go. i'm gonna use the candy corn please as. an example please okay yeah. all right this is me uh just about.

all right so this was this is me right. yeah. these are all my friends okay these are. all the people that i consider friends. got it okay and let's suppose. i like to uh for my birthday my desire. right is to go to hike the sierra. mountains to see the. waterfall you know something even worse. you know i mean. i like to i like to swim right for some. reason. a septic tank okay.

that's just my desire i love it okay all. right okay i grew up in [ __ ]. bangladesh. nothing against people from bangladesh. right right but like you know. yeah it's just something i want to do. you love swimming in september. the nearest you mean um public septic. tank. right yeah that you could swim in that's. legal right is in bakersfield. and it only opens between four to six. a.m. got it yeah yeah let's see this is. something i enjoy.

doing right nobody. nobody likes it okay okay. they're gonna hate it right it's. disgusting. right now do i go by myself. or do i invite the now 95 percent of. these people. right won't go but five percent will. look at that that's five percent will. now these [ __ ]. now it's 5 30 in the morning we're in. bakersfield yeah in a septic tank.

right these guys right here are having. the worst time of their lives. two so two two it's rude two of them. hate it. okay but the other four are digging it. all right so they dig it yeah. i love it but what about these two right. here [ __ ] them. that's true you're right [ __ ] them. welcome welcome. i think you're just mad you didn't get. invited you having you're having fomo. about something that. you didn't invite me they did they. didn't yeah you're mad that you didn't. get invited that's what it is yes. what is it rudy why is he upset that you.

guys got they got into it. and kalila's friend she loves fishing. does kaleila like fishing. yeah yeah do you yeah okay. they want to go fishing bob you were one. of the two candy corns. let me ask you something jules all right. all right and i you know i can handle. your betrayal. i mean it's not betrayal just listen to. me okay cause i know the truth okay okay. i can handle your betrayer one or two. times a week put the knife down.

we'll just have a discussion all right. okay right but when it happens every day. and you betray papa lee. right every day right it begins to burn. a bit all right. and i know that because they didn't end. up going this morning because it got. foggy and the whole. trip was canceled because you can't see. right and she was relieved. who was jules were you why because you. wanted to sleep some more. i didn't say i was relieved i can tell. that you were relieved be honest. no i was kind of excited no you weren't. because i'll tell you what i heard. back back in the backyard you were.

excited to not go or you want you were. excited to go to go she wanted to go. listen to me right this you think that. i'm not an investigative journalist. i am you don't know you don't think that. i could put facts together. okay i go in the backyard and i hear. these girls take it thank god that thing. was canceled. who said that rooted in all of them no. yeah and you were you were sitting there. on the [ __ ]. you know yes going. right is part of this true no.

but then you know this is the betrayal. and no more tomorrow you don't betray me. again that's it. that's it here's another thing that she. betrayed me on right. let me ask you something if jules right. had a play. yeah like a school play a school play. right yeah. i think you and i would go opening night. no 100 100 i wouldn't miss it right. you as huckleberry finn i love it. whatever right. so you know i'm on that netflix thing. with burke ricer. cabin right you know a lot of people.

have seen it right. yeah a couple million she refuses to. watch it why don't you want to watch it. jules. i didn't say i refuse but you watch. everything else. that's the thing i'm sorry i'm starting. you're only starting it now because i. gave you [ __ ] about it last night. no i was planning to watch it i just. forgot about it. meanwhile she's watching [ __ ] [ __ ]. anime i'm sorry. i want to get [ __ ] racial right yeah. and she's like doing other [ __ ] right. yeah i just find it to be rude.

you know i mean with the light of day. the deception today along with. that cabin thing you really want her to. watch cabin do you really care. it's this i don't think she'd like it. right she won't i understand that but. it's like my brother steve my brother. steve. right doesn't know that i've been in a. movie. that's okay because he'll never watch it. yeah that's great what's wrong with that. it's i i i don't you think that as a. family member or something that you live. with right. every once in a while they partake in.

one thing no. really so if i i i think whenever i do. stuff. i don't want any of my family to watch. it that that's true for me too. right but i like the gesture of it like. yesterday right or. a couple days ago i woke up and i walked. into the living room right. and coletta's laughing at watching the. cabin right huh i didn't ask her to. watch it. right it just feels good that she wants. to see something that i'm in how about. this. if it was your show podcast no i don't. give a [ __ ] now you know so many of them.

if it was your show she'd watch it. but that's bert's show and you're one of. the guys on it that's why she's not. quick to watch it if it was bobby lee's. the cabin. you'd watch it 100 you're a featured. comic on bert's show it's his show um. no if it was bobby lee's uh opium den. in the woods she'd watch it i think. that's the truth don't you rude. yeah also we got rudya pumpkin to carve. we want you to carve a pumpkin i forgot. to ask you.

you got to hop to it that that rooster. that's not my rooster is it. what do you mean you're a rooster yeah. it's mine oh it's. it's from the house you brought my lucky. rooster here. yeah we want good luck here no who. brought it she did. what is the problem she's just wanted to. up her decor i said bring something to. express yourself. she brought the rooster and the creepy. dead baby yeah but the rooster. right is a personal.

who is it who is it to you. is it a good friend. all right jules you outline however you. want but by the end of the podcast we. want a dope pumpkin yes. yeah what's wrong with her bringing in. that rooster i don't understand. you have three you have three i know. where are they from those roosters right. were given to me by a friend of mine. right he passed away yeah. oh rudy it's a dead guy's rooster.

i didn't know what did he do i can't. talk about it. oh no is this real no no. i knew it in my bones who gave you those. roosters i don't remember. you don't know where you got them throw. them away no [ __ ]. we're to keep them all right so like. back to my original thing from the. beginning of the podcast. right yeah okay so um i was. thinking um the pros and cons if you. were to have to pick. right one of those three things to be. frankenstein a werewolf.

or a vampire which one would you be i. think i would be. i just i just love vampire first i love. vampire. i'm a creature of the night anyway bingo. okay. the idea that i love sucking on things i. love sucking on stuff. and the idea that you can because they. get away with murder because they can. they can. um transform they can so i can suck. someone's blood and then. turn into a bat and fly away so you. never get caught fashionable. sexy as [ __ ] sexy do you think i would. have been yes dude even as a vampire 100.

percent. yeah because the clothing was so cool. transylvanian clothing that looked like. i never see vampires my body massage. though. yeah no you don't see a little stocky. vamp yeah we need to make a movie called. the stocky vamp. yeah a little asian vampire how come we. don't see that why is that. because they're all from um they're all. from uh transylvania. um which is it which is eastern europe. oh. frankenstein would like to be you want. bolts in your neck no but i'll tell you. why. right it'll give me an excuse you know.

no one will ask you hey read this book. yeah. yeah they they won't yeah they want you. they would make it right think about it. though yeah. i'm frankenstein i can't read well. you're way you're the de you're like one. of the dumbest guys. right you can an excuse to wander around. yeah get lost yeah you can get lost you. just walk into a girl's changing room. you're like. i don't know yeah yeah you have to worry. about fashion. you're [ __ ] up anyway well he wears a. suit and that's it right. he wears like he's torn clothing right. yeah but it looked like i thought it was.

an old torn suit what was it. what he used to wear was it he used to. wear a [ __ ] three-piece suit like a. [ __ ] business man was it three well. yeah he was a wall streeter wasn't it. who original frankenstein was he wearing. what was it just rags was it really just. rags. i just thought it was an old suit that. was torn up i guess it's just a yeah. it's a black sport coat. it's a black it was a black coat it was. a black that's fashionable it's like. from zara. see what i mean right yeah he looks kind. of fast yeah he's. he's dressed like a z he's dressed like.

really nice he looks like most la guys. yeah yeah that's new l.a fashion he's. and look at he's got [ __ ] no he's. dressed like. anthony chiselnack. doesn't look where that outfit 100 yeah. yeah black black shirt black. pretty fast black suit coat big shoot. look this is what gucci does now what. all these new shoes do now they make big. big heel shoes yeah and also he's got. pretty tight jeans on. yeah shelley's frankenstein that's the. original oh gee oh gee. frankenstein one of the funniest movies. all the time young frankenstein young. frankenstein is incredible that's a mel.

brooks film that's totally different so. funny so [ __ ] funny. what anybody anybody listening to right. now it's one of the classics right if. you're a young person who doesn't uh. isn't tuned in to that stuff you should. watch. young frank you want to be a comedian. you have that's got to be in your. repertoire. um that and doctor strange love hocus. pocus also a good uh halloween film. never seen it. what what a movie dr strangelove is that. what you just said. it's not a halloween movie no but for a. comedy. yeah dr strangelove is great um you know. what costume they had today that i.

almost bought was um. clockwork orange they had stanley. kubrick's clockwork orange characters. but i didn't want to i i thought you i. it was not you couldn't really tell just. suspenders and then like what else. it's just a white shirt with black it's. got a scar you know i mean like give the. scott like. yeah it's not specific enough yeah yeah. it's not specific enough. that movie though man young frankenstein. no. uh doctor strangely or oh clockwork. orange kubrick makes phenomenal [ __ ]. yeah but that movie [ __ ] was my [ __ ]. with my head when i first.

first saw it as a kid yeah it [ __ ]. with my mind. because i grew up in the suburbs yeah. with a bunch of like track homes and you. know white people. yeah and when you watch a movie like. that. you just kind of first of all i thought. at put time in in up for a second that. is this. real yeah do people like it it's. it's like a alternative post-apocalyptic. not possible. um it's an alternative world it's kind. of like a um. it's not real in the not so distant. future but it's not real it's not real. but in my mind i'm like is this what. england's like.

kind of here yeah where they have like. you know statues and you can just drink. milk on the breasts milko velocets. yeah yeah and they forget and then what. do they trip on that right wasn't it. like. yeah what a great [ __ ] movie man yeah. it really was yeah. that's probably one of my favorite. what's your favorite of the newest do. you like. friday the 13th do you like jason uh. halloween. um i think out of the newest one hold on. hold on freddie. freddie okay freddy krueger which is. which is uh um. nightmare in elm street friday the 13th.

which is uh jason voorhees. halloween the series which is michael. myers. or hellraiser are the i think our four. of our generations uh. i think hellraiser was the one that like. kind of i think the first friday. friday the 13th freaked me out no. nightmare on streets freaked me out. yeah yeah but when i saw hellraiser i. went. because you had never seen like. characters like that before right it was. wildest. it looked it's not really hell it was.

more like a different dimension of hell. or whatever right. and it was like these characters are so. [ __ ] can you do that quieter i'm. trying. can you do quieter though because i'm. talking. [Laughter]. you just hadn't seen pinhead was. something are you wrestling a boar what. the [ __ ] are you doing. it's hard they put a little animal in. there do it on the desk you don't want. is it no leverage is that why. yeah can i take this off it's hurting my. brain no it really hurts it's okay. no it pinches it's for the fans.

do you not care about the fans i know. but it's affecting the way i do take it. off. that's fine why are you so angry all the. time no no i'm just like. like a grown up i'm not mad i'm. disappointed i know. i know leave it down because like you. you you have what. i'm gonna tell you what you have i won't. tell you we have. oh it looked so tight there's a dent on. your forehead i'm not i'm actually not. kidding. there's two dents on your forehead. because it was so tight why was that so. tight.

i know but you pull your hair back and. show the middle camera that's why it's. [ __ ] up. there's dents on your phone i know. that's what it's [ __ ] me up all. podcasts because i. have this pain right here it's squeezing. my brain oh dude why is that. well then you should just say i didn't. want to ruin the [ __ ] halloween thing. that you wanted to do you did a great. job. right but it was [ __ ] giving me a. headache and also now i've been. put on your headphones papa bluetooth. this episode is sponsored by bluetooth. blue chew works more than anything i've. ever tried yeah gas station stuff is.

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who was a murderer. right yeah yeah michael meyer was a. murderer. jason wasn't just a regular guy though. no he was not but i'm saying. a guy from a lake but freddie lit yeah. he came out of the water but freddie. lived in this. alternative universe which is why i. thought it was so cool as a kid that. like he could come in your dreams but he. could exist in your real life but who. knows if that was actually still in your. dream or if it was real. that's true that's why that's why i. thought that was such a wild concept. here's another reason why right that he. makes him scary. he molested was he a molester who was.

freddy krueger no was he. freddy krueger was a m was a was a. chester the molester guy. the sweater though that's a molestation. it is it does look like a melissa. yeah to me who looks like the most he. wasn't it's just the sweater makes it. seem like he was a molester well he. always went after kids how about that's. why. yeah i always made the connection that. they he molested. you're right actually because you only. come to kids dreams because adults can't. adults don't right isn't that what it. was adults don't really see him in their. dreams. but with jason killed adults michael.

definitely killed adults. yeah yeah you're right that freddie went. after like specifically young kids. young kids yeah it was a molesting vibe. yeah it was scary about him to me. which one of them which one of them. seems which one of those four guys. who i would like who would you yeah. who'd you hang out with. who would be my top 10 friends on um. myspace yeah. yeah um what because. number one i don't want to die yeah. that's why you want them on their own. right so.

to me like obviously not freddy because. yeah. no what you wait so my friend who who am. i picking not to kill me. who who would i be trusting that would. be my friend okay look. who would you be here we are at a dinner. party. right we invite to a dinner party and. and somebody's no no and somebody goes. bob i heard you're friends with jason. voorhees yeah. why well because um. i'll be honest with you right please. jason help me build a gazebo once.

well he does have that chainsaw well he. has a chainsaw yeah but also i was at. the lake. yeah right and i had this whim to um. build a gazebo over the overlooking the. lake well there's a lot of. wood right and i've never built one. before right. and i couldn't chop the tree down. because at the time i was 14 years old. right and i have the strength right and. so i was working on this tree. all day long trying to chop it down. right and all of a sudden i hear like a. little rumbling in the back. right i turn around and there's a guy.

there right with a. uh i thought he was i thought it was. gordy how at first. you know see how the house in canada. yeah and i go out that way what are you. doing there bud. yeah yeah i thought it was gordy how are. you oh big fan can you you know and he. goes. you didn't really say anything yeah yeah. and i um. say he you want to help me build a. gazebo and he's. treat. [Music]. was um jason a chainsaw guy or.

axe i thought i thought michael myers. was an axe and jason was a chainsaw. i don't think either one of them had. chainsaws yes. yeah jason no jason voorhees had a. chainsaw. i almost positive he had a chainsaw yeah. dude what do you mean the [ __ ]. is he canadian yeah yeah no he's from. alberta. yeah yeah he's from banff national. forest he lives in off lake louise he's. got a nice little bungalow there. three bed three bath that's on airbnb if. you'd like to rent keep it down. keep it down so yeah this machete was.

almost the the most recognizable. this was constant but the chainsaw was a. thing he had a chainsaw i think the very. first. yeah jason voorhees what a cool name. voorhees. based on something real i i think i. don't i just don't know any better. and freddy krueger right you say freddy. you think looks like. um a molester you don't you think he. looks molester-y huh. dude look at that yeah yeah yeah. hey kids yeah get in the bus kids.

come on i've got plenty of snickers. bajars yeah yeah yeah he does seem. molestery. are you [ __ ] it's maybe the colors. here but your shirt looks like the. the molesting shirt from uh from freddy. krueger. burn maybe it's the colors here but you. look like the molester with that shirt. on he said. he has a thing against me fancy bee. yeah because i remember when he was. doing the stand-up stuff. and he was doing like the roasting and. he was crushing yeah but he.

he murdered he digs really hard at me so. what that's what. he was doing stand up there's also a. little whenever i see him now here too. yeah there's a standoffishness about him. why what do you think it is. it's either he thinks he's better than. me or that. he um doesn't respect me. fancy are either those things true not. at all you guys said that you have to. punch up in comedy and i can't think of. anyone. higher you know to punch up punching up. in comedy he's not punching down see.

that's respect he's saying you're the. tip top yeah how about this would you. like to. look since it's halloween listen since. it's halloween i can't eat anymore i. believe in ghouls and ghosts and goblins. and i believe in the afterlife. very much i believe your spirit can. sometimes stick around. your father passed away okay rest in. peace. papa lee right i brought something in. case. you feel the need or inclination have. you ever talked to your dad. you brought my dad's ashes have you ever.

spoken to your father i have. you have yeah i'm thinking we could. contact him. i brought a ouija board no no i can't do. it please. no i'm not doing a ouija let's contact. your dad. please please. put your hand put it it's just one hand. it's one hand. no let's do it you want to get haunted. at night. it is real i know and we're going to. respect it. we're not.

we have every idea so am i. this [ __ ] right here i know it's real. this is how. you just have to say goodbye and it. closes the door. you start on ouija here's the rules put. your headphones on put your mic back. here's the rules you start on ouija. oh that's not good blown out a candle to. begin is a bad omen.

oh boy is that not good now you're now. that's actually scary to me. i know but that's what it's supposed to. do it's a crickle crackle candle. put on your headphones and get your. microphone near your mouth. okay the proper way to do this. is for you put it you put a hand in i. put a hand okay. all right here we go bob hold on listen. listen to me. we're gonna con contact your pops okay. what's his name again robert robert e.

lee. bob lee we have to say goodbye at the. end. otherwise his spirit will still remain. all right now put. your two hands on two hands okay. now calmly and slowly the bravest. amongst us asks the first question. so go ahead dad are you in heaven. i'm not touched i am not moved look yeah. you are no i'm not.

you have to be no i'm not i promise. what is it what is it yeah. what does that say i can't read i can't. see it. tg. i know what it is what's tg he's at tgi. fridays. [Laughter]. he loved to he loved tgi fridays are you. being serious yeah he loved. tgi friday that's his favorite [ __ ].

restaurant well let's ask him another. question obviously he's having fun. this is fun there's a teacher on friday. he's in heaven. [Applause]. let's ask okay. um i want to ask him a question about. you. do you miss bobby do you miss bobby. lightly lightly put your finger no don't.

don't lean your weight on it should be. like this i'm not. you're pulling i'm not i swear to god. i'm not look. lightly. no i'm not i'm not you're so strong i'm. not. i did not pull it because i tried to. pull it wouldn't pull my way i'm not. pulling it. come here you have to go strong i am not. pulling it. you have strong fingers do you miss. bobby bob lee.

i'm not you have to be bullied. i'm not. oh you gotta be kidding me i'm not. you're pulling and pushing it no i'm not. what's that it says you. the letter u does he miss you. no so what was the question does he miss. you okay. let's get the other letters all right.

what is that m um. oh i know what it is what's um so ask me. if. i'm the dad ask me mr lee do you miss. do you miss bobby. [Laughter]. so he doesn't okay no he's thinking. about it um. um oh he doesn't know you don't know are. you at.

the university of montana is vermont is. there university of montana of course. there is. never uw real home of the buff bluffs. yeah. the buffalo so maybe that has something. to do with it. because my dad lived in montana for a. bit. what you am bobby uh. mr lee tell us. what's the one thing. what's the one thing that you would ask.

bobby now about what's going on. what do you want to know about bobby. what do you yeah what do you want to. know about me dad. oh my god what is that g. you have to re-center it go back to. ouija and re-center put your fingers on. lightly. are you pulling i'm not.

oh my god. a ga. why gay. [Laughter]. [Music].

you are pulling it with your [ __ ] say. goodbye say goodbye say goodbye goodbye. dad. bye dad hi oh my god that thing is so. dumb. yeah are you happy we connected with. your dad. yeah i miss him you do. yeah do you miss him do you miss him at. night or during the day the most. i don't there's no particular time it's. sometimes it just comes in a wave of. like. um it's almost as if he didn't like i. didn't accept that he was gone.

or you know it's like if i really think. about it it's like. oh he's dead right but then it's like. i i think i pretend that he's alive. somewhere like living in like um. quebec maybe he is yeah but i saw his. body. but that's just the shell that's just. the yeah. his soul could be living out that's why. i believe in ghosts and apparitions. they're living on somewhere else yeah. look at you when you said their science.

explanation everything. there's a little thing inside of your. body a heart. right it beats it beats because of what. what why does your heart beat because. the blood flowing into you. now what creates blood flow what could. blow. um your brain well oxygen helps blood. flow right. that too okay which goes to your brain. and your heart and it circulates. throughout your body. why does your heart just have a beat. rhythm to it there's no batteries. pumping yeah how what's making it pump.

i don't know you have an electrical. force inside of your biological forces. right so you do you're. you have electricity inside of your body. right yeah like um. so when you die you just think it goes. away. no it transfers to something else. magical in the universe. this could be your dad your dad could be. in this guy this could be mr lee. [Music]. this could be bob lee's father this.

could be bob lee robert lee. yeah they transferred energy. no i've never sung before yeah so if. this was your dad you sing the song that. he would sing if this was your father he. doesn't know how to sing but um. let me hear you sing if this was your. dad what would he sing okay ready. we'll turn it off i'll i'll just do it. okay. bobby bobby didn't get good grades in. high school he always did the drug. he stole ten thousand dollars from the.

safe. in the closet he i caught him. masturbating one time and then. wait a minute you sold 10 grand from. them yeah out of their safe yeah. why why why why for drugs isn't meth not. that expensive. i know there's other things how much is. meth. i'm serious back then no what what. happened was i i want to go get mad. right now i don't know i haven't had i. haven't done meth since i was 17. what okay back then when you got meth. what does meth cost.

you go to your guy and you say yo give. me a [ __ ] uh what i don't remember. but um. i would assume i would probably give. them 50 bucks for like. a tiny rock like that and you crush it. up i would crush it up. and you snort it yeah you never smoked. it. why not because i didn't know how to do. it i didn't have that like because i. didn't really um. there was no there's no like head shop. in my town so you wouldn't know where to. get like pipes and stuff i think. you'd use tin foil but like i didn't.

know how to do it no one. around me did it so snorting it yeah. and then still 10 grand like um in one. shot. yeah you just slowly we're stealing yeah. i stole about 10 grand through a period. of like a year and a half. and what did he say when he caught you. he never caught me he. fired a bunch of people what. okay so what happened was. on friday my dad had five clothing. stores.

they were called fashion gal. yes okay so he had five fashion gals. one in encinitas one in escondido but a. bunch of places. and on fridays when i had my license. right. he tell he told me to um pick up the. money. so being a drug addict right i go i i i. ask for that job. i go you know after school i could just. you know go pick them up for you. so you can play golf or whatever was.

your dad a good golfer. oh yeah he's won a lot of awards. what do you mean one of a lot of. trophies i mean from what tournaments. uh where are code you guys at a country. club yeah we yeah stone ridge country. club. yeah you are fans right so. um on fridays i would go to all the. stores yeah. and the lady or whoever will the manager. would put. all the money in a paper bag what you. guys didn't have like a staple and what. and i would take all the money he would.

put in the safe at home. and then on mondays he would deposit in. the bank right. right right so i i would go to all and i. had i went and bought my own stapler. so you could re-staple the bag yeah. you're such a bad kid. right so i would go to each store right. i would take couple hundred bucks right. but eventually it didn't match up with. the books so people started getting. fired. because of you yeah because of a 16 year. old who was stealing yeah so like adults.

who had jobs. i don't know dad you tell me to pick it. up that was my excuse and you think it. was about 10. you would never. think that i would be the one. so over like a period of year year and a. half i would. eventually turned out to be like 10. grand so every week you were doing this. oh yeah. for a year for two a year and a half. supported my drug habit wow. yeah ingenious it's pretty smart yeah. crafty. stupid for him to give you the access to. that money yeah. but then when i went to rehab i told him.

what did he say he was so livid. yeah no [ __ ] yeah what did he say. he didn't really say anything his face. turned all red and all the veins popped. in his forehead when i told him. but you're in a rehab with counselors. and stuff it was like a safe space to. say it. right and then um he felt really bad for. firing people. did he ever talk to those people again i. think he did something i don't know what. he did but i think he did. do something called them because he. blamed people he was like you're. stealing yeah yeah. that's so [ __ ] up bob i know did your.

mom ever say anything to you or she let. you just get away with [ __ ]. she didn't know i know when she found. out did she reprimand you or no. no i went to rehab when you're in rehab. that's it's safe. baby that's such [ __ ] such a cop-out. no it's not if i stole 10 grand from my. parents. they'd wait for me to get out and they'd. be like oh yeah yeah you're good and. then they beat the [ __ ] out of me when i. got out but yeah my mom would throw. fists yeah the others don't understand. that i did living amends. that doesn't me i look and living amends. is pure. and simple this this addict idea that.

like because you're an addict when you. apologize like all is forgiven people. can still want to knock you the [ __ ] out. for that. like your dad should have beat the [ __ ]. out of you for that no. yes oh see what you're saying to me is. this right yeah. i'm strung out on drugs yeah right. on the precipice of death okay. they're worried that i'm gonna die i. know get better we miss you we love you. so they then they put me. in a 45-day treatment center yeah for.

like a hundred grand. yeah for like a hundred grand right it's. insane because we had no. health insurance no i know that's right. well they don't become out of pocket. right. and i went to three what yeah. three different ones yeah jesus dude. they went you went you got your [ __ ]. you got your bachelors your masters and. your doctor yeah yeah. and um but one of them wasn't an actual. treatment was. more of a detox kind of a place right. but the two were full-fledged. ocean view recovery center and the. mcdonald center is where i went.

do they have mcdonald's food there. yeah they do yeah i think ronald. mcdonald does i don't know. ron mcdonald you know that's a family. member of mine it's my uncle uncle ron. yeah so anyway um so you're in a. treatment center 45 days. they're not going to beat the [ __ ] out. of you when you leave see i would i. still would i would say i'm glad you're. healthy and you're alive and you're not. on drugs but i'm i got to get you back. for what you did what if i said as a son. i go listen i know i [ __ ] up. i'll pay i'll make it up to you how by.

working at the store which is what i did. for free until i'm paid off my debt. but don't most asian kids work for their. parents door for free anyway. [Laughter]. i grew up with a kid whose parents owned. a dry cleaners right the street from us. and. he worked there forever great kid. awesome family. but and i always thought i bet you i bet. you they're giving him good money to. work with. no the fear though is this i remember. being at the store.

and my dad would say things like one day. this is all yours. right or something like that and then. you would have this dread going. i don't want to do this fashion girl. fashion gal. was it only women's clothes yeah well it. was like. i think it was elaine bryant for ethnic. women. it was plus-sized clothing for ethnic. women yeah because it was a lot of. samoan's. women that would shop there yeah nothing. against i love samoans but. yeah a lot of heavier hispanic women.

just so it's a big women's clothing. store why did you why would there was. skinny stuff too but mostly. fat stuff i felt like why'd your dad get. into thicker way your mom was a tiny. person yeah so she couldn't wear it. so why would your dad get into thick. women's clothing. i don't know how they maybe um do you. know how the business started. i've never asked you about your dad's. business well my dad well he started in. the wig. wigs you know i was born in a wig store.

right. no yeah you were i was born in a wig. store. really yeah in san diego like on a pile. of wigs i don't. but this is the scariest thing your mom. is about to give birth and she. your dad's like lay down on a pile of. wigs. yeah but here's the scary part. so my parents owned a wig store in. downtown san diego. right which i was born there right and. um time real fast why didn't she go to. the hospital not enough time. no no there was a hospital downstream.

when i was born there but. i thought you were born in the woodshop. no she should give birth in the wig. store i don't know those. asians are hard workers i know i know. it's not like they. [ __ ] you know i mean had an. eight-hour shift they're like oh well we. have to. we have to walk do it here no no. i was born in sharp hospital but then i. lived in the wig store. you guys lived there but here's the. thing so that when my parents my dad. started fashion gal. my uncle took over the wig store right. so.

all my life you know i mean even in high. school and even when i was a stand-up. right in my 20s i could go to that wig. store and it's still there. right wow and here's the scary part. is one time i was there my uncle goes. come up. so there's upstairs it's an old building. it's still around. he sold it but it's still there and um. he brings me into this room where they. have broken mannequin. mannequin heads oh so creepy right so. there's all these shelves right.

and it also these mannequin heads are. from the [ __ ]. 60s and 70s yeah right and you could. tell that. no one goes in this room right these. like cobwebs right mannequin heads. right but also all the plastic is off. the eyes. right and cracked so crappy and in the. middle of this [ __ ]. right is a cradle. a baby cradle thing oh you. you slept in there when you would take a.

nap that's where they'd put you. when i was a kid since we didn't have a. house yeah my parents. lived in that wig store illegally ew. right. and so you go this is where you right. and you could just see all these. heads staring down on me. that's so [ __ ] creepy it's so creepy. do you remember growing up there at all. like do you remember vivi. no but i do remember being raised by. um mannequins 80 people it felt like.

people would always just come and go. stare maybe it was my first audience oh. [ __ ]. right yeah maybe that's how i learned to. perform you talked to the mannequins. yeah yeah i'm talking about yeah. i grew up in a wig store bob what. that's so sad why because it's just like. such like a. sad immigrant tale and i'm really happy. it's not human trafficking i wasn't like. i don't know i don't know. it sounds so close just like the kid in.

the attic and stuff around the dead. around the mannequins that are [ __ ] up. and like downstairs they're doing. something illegal and wrong. and yeah they probably had a. conversation they're like we can't we. can't sell them no one wants to buy them. yeah yeah they try but my brother got a. real house i think as a baby. right when he grew up he was you guys. had been in the house at that point. right yeah we got a house then but like. i remember um. my uncle showing me that [ __ ] it was. just like did it bum you out. no but i it i you know it's almost as if.

like. i didn't know that that would bum me out. if i saw that no i i was in there i'm. like. wait why is there a cradle here and he. goes there you. you sleep there right and i go what i. looked at my uncle go. what the [ __ ] i slept here why would i. keep it. what why would they keep the cradle as. if we moved out. right my uncle bought the store and i'm. going to. close the door forever no one ever come. back in here. right yeah because it was in the end of.

this hallway upstairs right it was also. there's no electricity either on that. side of the oh my god. right so you would walk and get darker. and darker as you go down this hallway. yeah and then by the end of the hallway. it's pretty pitch black. right and then when you would open the. door. it was as if like the walls. had openings in them like holes punch. through to the outside. so there's light beaming in this is a. horror movie. no you grew up in a hormone so there's.

light beaming in. right so that's what i remember. that's so [ __ ] up that's like a creepy. creepy memory. light shining through this yeah tattered. electricity less. room tucked away in the corner of a wig. shop in san diego. yeah no wonder you did meth i remember. my mom. i remember when my mom you know ethnic. women they don't know the [ __ ] rules. right i remember my mom we were at a. mall we lived then we moved to minnesota. we were in a modern why this brought. this memory brought up but it's funny to. me right.

and i remember being in the mall and my. mom's swimming in the fountain. of the mall yeah just like no big like. that's totally normal just yeah. yeah my mom would do like things like. that like like i knew as a kid. socially you throw pennies in there mom. yep. right my mom's in there like wait you. know doing you know. washing her feet and like you know i. mean and like people walking by going. did security come no nobody cared and. then my mom would also do this she would. go like. we'd be at the north county fair which.

is another mall by my house and when we. lived. we came back to san diego yeah and my. mom go i'm tired. and we're at the mall let's go home no. but i still have to shop. and then she would just take a nap in. the middle of the mall not in the middle. of the mall like off to the side you. know me on a bench or something just. squat and sleep and she would just. sleep there for like 30 minutes and my. mother just. wandering around it's so embarrassing. because at that time. we were like you know um like twelve ten. twelve. yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean so we're like.

yeah you care so much about looking cool. yeah yeah you're like we're going to hot. topic later mom. yeah i love when peop they don't know. the rules yeah i mean and they just do. whatever they want because. these weird social things that i guess. don't exist over there. also why do they exist why can't you. take a nap in the mall. could just go home but why can't you do. that though. just why can't you go to the fountain. where there's water and wage your feet. in it. because it gets dirty then that's that's. gross that's unsanitary. it's true yeah if your mother had a cut. she could get infected bacteria she.

could die. it's a terrible idea i'm just saying. though but so i'm telling you why. [Laughter]. why we have rules in america oh i see we. can't just sleep in malls and. wait in the fountains but yeah but i do. think. i told you about the jug of piss what so. this is so funny so when i so now i'm a. comic. you know i'm on mad tv okay killing it. and i go um dad you gotta because they.

had one fashion guy left. yeah in some broken down mall they just. slowly closed down phoenix arizona over. time. right yeah but it would they changed the. name it was called changes. [Laughter]. it's like exactly what's going on in his. life yeah yeah it changes changes. and so my brother and i we drive to. phoenix. to do a surprise visit is that where. your uncle lives too right no my parent. my uncle lives in san diego. oh so i go um let's go to changes and.

visit dad. so we should visit my dad and there's no. one in the mall. it's like a dead mall yeah do you. remember no traffic. in scottsdale not scottsdale no in like. fashion mesa or gilbert in one of those. towns right and we go in why'd you make. that face. opinion what do you mean i have opinion. okay go ahead. give me the opinion i went to arizona. state i lived in phoenix so i know all. about it so what. what what may say kelp or what is it.

about that is not so nice. okay it's okay they're okay they're. they're that's where my mom lives now. in mesa yeah she does yeah mesa's gotten. much nicer time and honestly when i was. there it was different. okay it was just a little bit like uh uh. you know. but now that's where all the [ __ ] the. the the uh. no no the the the um spring training. baseball's all in mesa now it's [ __ ]. i mean it was to them but. the neighborhoods have gotten. significantly nicer so we go and visit.

the changes. and my dad's standing there we're in. this at the store empty mall. right and we go dad you're so happy this. is. oh my sons you know what i mean and. we go around right and. my my dad's zipper. my dead zipper is undone is his dick out. well it was. it turns out it was like father like son. yeah yeah and we look down.

and there's a gigantic plastic. like a jug like you would put water in. like a like a valley spring yeah like a. sparkle. filled with urine like a five-gallon. drug of urine. filled up with urine did he not have a. bathroom at the store he goes. i can't afford a i cannot afford. employee. so if i have to go to the bathroom. because the bathroom was way down. on the other of the mall this is so sad. i know i had to be here.

[Laughter]. who emptied it i guess he just that's. why he got a big one. so he's just a weak a week and act maybe. on a friday he would like. you know i mean just throw it in the. [ __ ] church dude the funniest image. in my head of your debt like you know. how the sparkles bottles have handles on. them to carry yeah yeah your dad just. carrying two stars. as he leaves them all he's like have a. good night. yeah it was uh that's so sad he couldn't. afford him that was that the last short. that was it huh. then retired and then i um didn't and.

then i was just like i don't know what. to do we got a. closed store we got a clue store so um. did he was he gonna give it to you and. your brother was that like a thing no he. was never gonna. there's no way it was it wasn't making. any money. so i decided to send them money every. month. when you started making money yeah i've. been sending them my parents money ever. since then you send them the same amount. of money every 500. a month wow. because you were like i want to just. make sure that they're i just i go how. much is all this [ __ ] going to cost.

right you mean food give me food your. phone bill all that [ __ ] tell me. everything and i'm going to send you. this right you. close that [ __ ] store down it's a. money drainer because he was just losing. right. well you know we'll pay mortgage on the. [ __ ] house that you have here. right and just chill but then they sold. the san diego now your mom's out there. no this is all in arizona oh that was. all in arizona yeah yeah. oh wow yeah is she happy out there in. arizona. oh my god i'm gonna show you something.

this is so sad. yeah i feel so bad yeah. i don't i know you just talk [ __ ] about. my mom. every time we bring it up so and i. haven't said anything mean about her so. far about your mom. you talk about her eyes and stuff it's. it's one it's just obviously lower and. crossy it's just. it's yeah like that picture when i go. through your instagram sometimes your. mom is a chupacabra. huh chupacabra. oh really yeah okay all right so if you. talk about my [ __ ] mom yeah.

right again. right your mom is a [ __ ] beast. remember that she spawned a [ __ ]. dirty beast like you right and you guys. are [ __ ] animals. right you know at nights i hear coyotes. right. i go mrs santino i'll yell that under. the [ __ ]. not even her name that's not even. whatever her name is yeah you don't know. i mean. well you know i don't know her language. i don't know that language. right so don't ever [ __ ] come back me.

what about my mom. okay yeah i take a bath in a fountain. yeah so this is our exchange my mom and. i. yeah since the pandemic. every night she sends me a meme. right beautiful and sunny day not too. hot or cold. the perfect weather i love uma at first. i thought this was hiroshima. right sunset i know but at first i was.

like what the [ __ ] she's lost her mind. right. right she'll send me this good night and. sweet three and just some. that's really sweet flowers that's cute. she does it every [ __ ] night and what. do you send back bob. bob i'll say stuff like stay safe there. mom please i love you. that's your mother that's nice you know. what i mean. she sent me this the other night i'm not. perfect but i'm always myself. that's you that's really sweet yeah. she's just and i never. even read this let's let's read it. together yeah let's hear it if you knew.

how hard it was. how long it took to rebuild my little. universe of peace and happiness. then you would understand why i'm so. picky about who. i allow in my life hmm. i don't get it is your mom like a. teenage white girl. it's the weirdest that's so strange so. strange yeah so she said you know. this is you know here's a weird one i. just saw this one right. it says stay safe but.

what the [ __ ] is the it's the. oh it's a guy it's like it's like it's. like the symbol they use for depression. when people are depressed. but that's strange right she's trying to. tell you something. you think she is yeah stay safe she's. like myself in four months. stay safe i'm not gonna be yeah yeah did. you finish your pump. yeah let me see it let's see the pump. right now. oh i'm excited to see the pump.

what do you mean it's bad i bet you it's. not bad at all. all right oh yeah. show it to that camera that's your. camera really cool. oh that looks awesome so that's that's. uh. she put bf there yeah befriends that's. that's that's uh the one. that's uh mike from uh no is that mike. walkowski from monsters. oh yeah yeah that's what it looks like. what what's his name mike wakalski from. it's one eye right yeah he's one eye. yeah yeah isn't that his name you guys.

yes. monsters inc monster zinc yeah but his. last name was mike. you know what i i didn't get that i i've. never seen anything like that i think. that's creative it's awesome. you made the little eyeball can we have. it can i can you. well no no leave it in front of you rudy. jules i think that's a phenomenal pump. thank you i think you did a great job. bob you like it i i. you know what i think she's creative i. wouldn't be able to do that. all right here um can i have the pumpkin. hold on one second.

okay and i want to i want all of us to. say thank you for being a bad friend. okay thank you for being a bad friend. yay jules that was real that's really. [Music]. awesome.