Staycation 2020 | Ep 5 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

I was in Washington with kalila and. we're at a restaurant and the lady next. says dies shut up she started choking no. she just collapsed you know I mean and. kalila gets up and she's now cuz clouds. and arose so she's doing like. compressions on the chest yeah and. everyone's calling 911 it's chaos and. kalila looks up and I have my iPad with. me and I'm playing candy crush you ready.

to start if we already started what are. you wearing. oh you're doing jokes you're doing a. [ __ ] welcome back to bad friends. you're doing a joke no I'm trying to. stay protected it's so done what you're. doing right now I have no idea what's. gonna happen Bob but you're but you but. you're saying that I'm Chinese I didn't. say you're Chinese then why I don't. where's my suit.

you don't what if I get sick from who. from you yeah but you're you're closer. to the [ __ ] racist that's not racist. yeah it's like one that one politician. was saying it's the China coronavirus. first of all I'm not Chinese but your. clutch clothes it's that close at all. because I'm an American I've never even. been there you've been to Korea yeah. like ten years ago to do a music video. who knows if it started ten years ago. and it just latched on to you and held. on for a long time oh you [ __ ] idiot. we do have a we can we have can we get.

his suit please yeah I don't want one I. don't need one you just said we won't. even give me one don't even give me one. because the thing is it's a bit you know. he's guys doing some sort of this how. this isn't a bit you can do some sort of. like scientist character now about oh. I'm just not you the who guy now I'm. just trying to stay safe do you like. some of the new art that got put up look. behind you beautiful darling you're pure. gold honestly dude you know you guys. stop shopping at IKEA no no this short. yeah I said let's get first let's go to.

Ikea I said the Georgia meatball I said. George get some great stuff and he got. some great stuff here can we show give. me scissors do you have scissors. whoa Idol Bob I spent so long special. that time putting that up. I was a target for like an hour and a. half yesterday choosing all this stuff. target yeah yeah he picked up some great. snow like one of the like top 300. podcasts in the world you're gonna. [ __ ] put good at Target let's see. what I mean you do set up all this for. one laughs see what happens and now.

you're embarrassed you're like ah see I. take this suit off or not no I'm gonna. leave the chute on but I want to show. you some of the other cooler the roses. look at the roses look at that that's a. tapestry does that remind you of home. there you go thank you Bob Bob Oh God. look at this look at how cute that is a. little wreath look at his flower it's. just like that we're in that movie. [ __ ] summer summer what's that movie. with the horror movie summer summer yeah. oh my god oh oh that's right look at.

nose look it knows what does it knows it. knows what it knows it's nothing knows. nothing here's another thing dude what. last night what get out of here yell at. him or yell at him or give me scissors. so I can cut this down right there give. me those scissors so he's got I'm gonna. cut it down because I want you to be. honest now look it's a I just want to. stay stay stay stay stay stay stay stay.

last night I'm at the Comedy Store and. so I'm bringing up Chris D'Elia on stage. yeah yeah we do a little banter and he. you know so he he makes a scene like. from from the audience cuz we're friends. so he makes you know a little banter and. like I put a phone call we had or. whatever yeah and then afterwards these. these two frat jockey dudes I walk up to. me after the show. hey what's up bro no they gotta love you.

Bob yeah no they don't do that to go you. know Chris D'Elia mm-hmm. because you'd like to the banter with. them I go [ __ ] [ __ ] he knows me ooh. little pitchy [ __ ]. you didn't like it that they didn't know. who you were is that what it was it's. bad day and they go can we meet him yeah. I'm sort of like now his agent or his. like publicist or something well could. you make it happen I did okay I didn't. mean great yeah and then then that and.

then Bob Saget every time I see Bob. Saget now for the last 15 years he. doesn't say hey Bobby he didn't say you. know hey how's life this is what he says. he always says um what is his opening. line he says um I almost didn't. recognize you with clothes on ah well. [ __ ] [ __ ] Bob Saget pop not a nudist. [ __ ] [ __ ] hey [ __ ] wears clothes all.

the time. do you realize I got naked on something. that he saw me on you're an. exhibitionist for sure you do get naked. a lot not as an older man. [ __ ] [ __ ] don't get mad I'm not Bob. Saget oh that's right sorry my bad don't. get mad at me here I'll be Bob Saget. ready yeah hey Bob. one time I [ __ ] Michelle on set uh he. does that on Stein oh he talked about. [ __ ] the kids from Full House on. stage I know and it's funny though it's. not it's gross yeah it's disgusting. those were crazies he did the show with.

kids it's creepy stuff I don't like it. at all I don't like it I don't like it. he literally goes like and went down. Michelle is look at my butt yeah I don't. know who the Michelle is is that a good. one that's a little girl it's a little. tiny baby. all those wife in the show shows a. little water didn't ever what he was gay. on the show oh he was wasn't he gay on. the shows a little one Michelle's the. baby dude he used to make jokes about I. some dude with the factory a long time. ago I don't know if he still does that. stuff he was gay on that show though. wasn't he was he it was he now is he gay.

now I don't think so he seems no but I. think I'm sure he's a nice guy though I. don't know I love it he just oh you. don't know I don't know him you know I. love all those old we don't know each. other I like him I like Howie Mandel a. lot I don't know him either. you don't know. he likes what I like Lulu B Andrey Louie. Anderson yeah he's a very interesting. man why are you upset right now.

did you have a bad night last night you. [ __ ] tell me what happened hey [ __ ]. [ __ ] did you have a long night last. night no I'm gonna tell you something. right now what I say to you privately I. don't you don't have to talk about it. come in here yeah is it necessarily. stuff and I only told you I already told. you that I didn't even want to talk. about nothing we're not gonna talk about. it okay. but you know you were up all night I was. up all you got no sleep that's all you. have to say I had no sleep last night so. you're bummed I'm sorry yeah. and do you think it's depleting your.

immune system and you might get Corona. hey man huh are you gonna keep with this. coronavirus stuff it's what's happening. with five people haven't five people. have it in LA maybe thousands of people. have it in a planet Earth you know how. many people live on planet Earth how. many at least 500,000 there's no way. it's a million billions of people that. live on earth there's a billions of. people that live on planet earth and.

it's like um. you know if I vote like in in whoo-ha. whoo-ha wherever that place want you. know I mean want you know the [ __ ]. on it you know the [ __ ] they live. there I'm sorry no the Chinese beautiful. Chinese people that live there. mm-hmm there's a billion people that. live there if I brought you to a beach. right if I brought you a so oh my how. many people died from it three three. thousand maybe how many people have died. so far in China a lot 3,000 I think.

upwards of five or six thousand if let's. suppose that's the case that's a lot. okay go ahead let's close it but there's. a billion people that live there that's. like if I said a on this beach one grain. of sand on this Beach has the. coronavirus so don't put your foot on it. you would be you would you'd be making. sand castles running around the beach. you wouldn't give a [ __ ] bro 125,000. cases for 4500 deaths on.

yeah you know how many people die from. the flu give how many people die from. HIV I don't know a year in fact today. did you hear what happened no the second. case ever of HIV got cured in London Oh. in the history of HIV the second guy on. earth. yeah cured oh so we can we sure we can. cure the hip now oh we could free ball. that now we can free ball oh [ __ ]. don't use condoms god dude how crazy is.

that the second guy on earth it's so. funny because it's like all these little. cure things happen when I you know so. for instance you know I got in a. long-term relationship so no I it. doesn't even matter to me what the hip. yeah because I can't free ball up with. random women because I'm in a. relationship and it's the same thing I. got sober and then they legalize. marijuana yeah you want to come back no. I can't do any of those anymore. that's good thing though right look this. is still a climbing number this is still. gonna keep going you know some of the.

fans have sent in video saying that. they're fighting Corona and they want to. show you how they're fighting Corona can. I show you how some of them this is this. is Tevin frame he's fighting Corona his. own way yeah here's Tevin let's see what. he has to say okay mmm-hmm what's up bad. friends I heard you guys were looking. for a video about how I'm fighting. against the corona virus so here it is. right now I'm following a strict regimen. of supplements that I take three times a.

day these supplements include elderberry. syrup vitamin C and locally sourced. honey now I know what you're thinking is. good how did these products help me. fight against the corona virus in a 24. movie Oh cute dude wipe it I drew this I. don't know but I haven't gotten a corona. virus yet maybe I have some natural. ability to understand it tell me what. you guys think. what a cute young man he's a cute guy.

what do you think do you think he's. doing all the right things it looked. like it this one this is from Keira grey. sounds like a porn star but it's not. which looks Russian Russia she says I'm. fighting good on the bonus I've like 15. knives in her pocket. I sell I sell bootleg DVD of bad boys. hey guys my name is Kara and I am. dealing with the Kona virus that hang. out with all the dogs that might work. like beautiful princess and yeah.

but also I like girls that look like. that but also is skin plus a white is. this dog blind she's Chinese does that. dog have no eyes oh my God look at that. [ __ ] dog doesn't have no eyes yeah I. don't get it look this look oh maybe it. was a China miss hi Chinese this is a. who hand dog it's a who hand dog this is. a Wuhan dog oh well yeah you're done. but woman dogs when they're alive that's. a good thing that is a good thing this.

is a Jeremy what does that say LaNasa. this guy is in Texas drunk he sent me. this drunk in Texas look what he's doing. ready yeah even as his wife or. girlfriend said you're disgusting it. cuts it off a look he's looking this. table this park bench oh no thanks oh. thank. no thank you definitely and this last. one is a great song this was sent in by. [Laughter].

Griffin. this is sent in from Craig Li Shimin a. look at this oh how good is that song. it's wrote it we don't know but we have. a translator on today's can translate. what is he saying right there some of. that stuff it's saying take care. coronaviruses around take care.

coronavirus around listen the rest of. he'll keep trends are you ready yeah. [Music]. what does that say rapido perfect let's. put it up rapido coronavirus is. coronavirus in spanish koruna viedos. except oh he's just saying corona corona. corona corona virus okay. let's hear the rest ready what is he. saying it's same I have a headache.

my knees hurt I put my mask on I take my. pills. oh no you cut your nuts pop I did man. because I used a [ __ ] razor from. prison Wow don't do that now you can use. manscape because manscaped has the. lawnmower 3.0 and they're. third-generation trimmer it has advanced. skin safe technology so you ain't gonna. cut you nuts. oh the manscaped engineering team spent.

18 months perfecting the greatest bald. hair trimmer ever created and just. released the new and improved lawn mower. 3.0 you know I'm not kidding one time I. was in the shower and I was shaving with. my old buzzer and I cut the underside of. my nuts and I didn't notice that I cut. it and I was showering yeah. and it looked like like a like a horror. movie I was looking down and there's. blood dripping down my leg I thought I. was I thought I had I thought I had. hemorrhoids yeah I used to just pluck. them just pluck hairs out he was so. painful yeah but now I literally use. this [ __ ] man's me too.

yeah yeah I use I actually use one on my. face and one of my nuts just cuz it's. soft on your face and let's not forget. about the charging stand oh yeah you can. you have a charging stand yeah it's. really nice. look you can you can you can shave your. nuts with a million different things but. the manscape tools are the right tool. for your tool try it out and get 20% off. plus free shipping when you use the bad. codes bad friend at manscape calm once. again get 20% off free shipping with the. code bad friend and manscaped calm your. partner your pee-pee and your balls are. gonna thank you thank you so much for.

the translation no really I appreciate. it that was some great fancy middle. thank you guys for telling us how are. you guys are fighting coronavirus I. appreciate it very much. yeah but I called my I was gonna try to. think I was thinking I have to go to. Denver right now are you canceling shows. well I was call I called my people I go. are people canceling or that they're not. yet buddy dude like Nikki Glaser just. texted me this morning literally on the. way here and was like hey are you around. I'm in LA I'm Kate I've canceled Seattle. so and I was like I just I'm about to.

sell out Seattle for next month and I. think it's all gonna get canceled all. that stuff. I think I'm already gonna cancel Houston. maybe Ontario I don't know now here's no. on Terry's right here I'll just drive. there that's close wait a minute Houston. you're gonna cancel all that stuff I'm. scared of what I'm gonna cancel I'm. supposed to go to bought I'm just gonna. Connecticut next week. yeah I'm but I was calling about Devon. they're like well you know no one else. is doing well I mean we cancelled. Coachella and all these gigantic.

festival I don't see the difference. between they go but clubs are fine but. but it's still people congregating in an. area it's all the same are you scared. be honest be honest I think that if I. get it I'm the type of guy that's gonna. die from it why because it might have. weak lungs cuz you smoke it's cuz I. smoke but you're still healthy well I. don't have like any physical I don't. have died about Oh. diabetes I notice diabetes and I don't. have um Bobby got burnished I don't have. any of those things but I um I think I'm.

always on the fence you know like once. my doctor always I was always it was. always like yeah you're you're on the. fence a but on a lot of things really. yeah I don't think so. you're not a [ __ ] doctor race I am. yes I am give me your Pole give me a. wrist I'm gonna read your pulse come. here. one two three four five six nine twelve. okay you're fine I I know it works no. but I'm saying I I did the math you're. fine you're good are you being real open.

your mouth let me see open your mouth. open your wide open your wide make a. noise go ah perfect. no look at you no training yes I do. I took CPR you know I was CPR certified. because I was a lifeguard and used have. to go up one and two and three and blow. one and two and three and blow and now. they don't want you to touch their mouth. you're supposed to just punch him as. hard as you can in the chest until they. wake up yeah I'm the type of guy that. wouldn't do that like if I'm at a.

restaurant if I was if you me you would. you'd you'd punt you would push my chest. you would compress my chance there's no. way you hadn't try to save your [ __ ]. life. I play candy crush or something while. I'm dying yeah cuz this actually. happened I was in remember I was in. Washington I was in Washington with. kalila. we're at a restaurant and the lady next. says dies shut up she started choking no. she just collapsed you know I mean and. kalila gets up and she's now cuz clouds.

a nurse so she's doing like compressions. on the chest yeah and everyone's calling. 9-1-1 it's chaos and Claire looks up and. I have my iPad with me and I'm playing. candy crush I'll tell you why I'm not. doing because I'm evil no but really. because because it was just so gnarly. yeah yeah I had to just like do. something else yeah no I get it. and I have another thing that I do I. don't really talk about but if I'm on an. elevator and anyone over the age of 60.

walks onto the elevator I'll hold your. breath no I'll get off the elevator. pure anytime every time why because. especially if I'm alone in the elevator. because if this person dies I'll. probably just leave yeah you're mean and. because I don't want to I don't know how. to call and I don't know what who to. call I don't know what papers to sign. I don't know who to interview I got [ __ ]. to do you don't have you don't have to. do almost any of that if you died in an.

elevator and you're just by yourself you. have you can't just leave you would just. go somebody died in there and then. they'd show up and then the paramedics. help them okay so let's get this let's. play this out okay all right I'm in an. elevator. yeah old man walks in old man walks in. and he goes hello young man I was in the. Korean War. oh people always say something like that. or they always say you know I love that. Chinese restaurant down the street and. I'll be like okay cool dad right.

elevator open I call is this the. hospital I don't know the call is this. hospital well you have to call 911 oh. [ __ ] that nine one one nine one yes. no man died what's the. address I gotta run outside I gotta look.

at the address it's 5 5 4 4 3 what sure. what street are we on did a tamper lift. amberlynn what's de California it's. California. oh [ __ ] out for you cam Berlin 9 9 5 5 4. 3 California can Berlin ok well then um. and listen we'll be there as soon as. possible. can I leave no you have to go back in.

with the man going right now oh [ __ ] is. that run back end ok I gotta do. something I gotta put my mouth in his. mouth I'm leaving the elevator to go. back outside I'll probably have a. cigarette. it's now by this time though sir yeah.

you the man they call the police. ok what happened the man where is he get. with me right now come on let's go Ching. is that him right there there's another. guy around the block I don't need your. attitude I'm just trying to find out how. this man died when he died did you make. him [ __ ] or poop you caused this man to.

throw up and have diarrhea inside this. elevator you're under arrest. turn around you're under arrest what the. [ __ ] that's it that's what happened. that's why I don't want to be in the. elevator well that makes perfect sense. that makes perfect sense. no look at me Bob I'm being serious I. I'm gonna get out of an elevator the. next time I see an old man yeah 65 is a. little young though 70 makes 70 you know. what play it safe you know me and it's. like I hold my breath that's what I. thought you're gonna say that yeah I.

don't like the way people smell I don't. like strong smells in a tight space yeah. so when I get an elevator people to. hotel I go and you hold your breath yep. until I get to my floor Wow I just don't. like people smell. I don't like to and you know when you. get an elevator and you can smell them. you'd smell them yeah yes I do it with a. certain ethnic group I don't want to get. into the yeah we should let's get right. into it I don't wanna which ones do you. not want to get into it because I don't. get in trouble. let me get can I guess if I guess I.

guess we can play that come with this if. I guess it right you just touch the. table once okay black people okay. Mexicans okay anybody from Middle East.

what about whites only people you don't. agents so it's only white people the. only people that you know I don't know. why it's maybe I'm like reverse racism. in my mind well uh white smell I'll. never forget the line that I'm kidding. you know that oh no no no it's like I. don't want people to go crazy what what. Shawn Wayans had a great line in don't. be a menace I think it was they were.

like some I don't know how the scene got. to it but he goes why people all look. alike and they smell like Bologna and I. thought that was such a funny de smet. and or they all smell like Bologna yeah. and I was like do we smell like do we. smell like Bologna to me you guys smell. like I remember like um what do I smell. like to you you because I think you're. visual always affects the way you smell. alright just like food yeah it smells. like what you think um to me you're so. Americana to me so when I look at you I. smell a baseball glove like the leather.

of the baseball glove love that yeah and. then mixed in with apple apple pie a. little bit and my first attempt I like. coffee like a Folgers coffee love candy. yeah yeah and then I also smelled a. little hint of the news of a news of a. news from hanging yeah from hanging. because I like hanging out hey because I. like hanging out. three whose you guys white people do do. you think I have do you think anybody in.

my family owned slaves honestly yeah you. do. maybe I'm Irish and Italian you think. any of these these people own slaves. I'm not rich from the South I'm not like. a rich white guy from the south. I think if you go back maybe a little. bit maybe there you have one funky uncle. that like you know I mean did some funky. [ __ ] with some funky black people I. don't know we do have funky Frankie ah. yeah yeah maybe he did yeah I mean we I. guess you know if you there's literally. no history right there's probably some.

you probably owned slaves your family. probably owned slaves in Korea. what door yeah yeah we in Slate yeah. they'll know the first of all for sixty. years Japan occupied Korea that's right. we were you guys had slaves Oh Koreans. had slaves like who Taiwanese no no we. never did we never occupied nobody you. never occupied anybody you know we were. oppressed you know we were we're always. that's why Koreans are so strong because. you're a survivor and we are resilient.

people the koreans ever have slaves I. want to know that's insane that you what. would you even Google that the Google's. I could even know that slavery in Korea. slavery in Korea existed since antiquity. the practice of slavery in South Korea. is illegal the forms of modern slavery. such as human trafficking still exists. North Korea slavery is practiced by the. country's regime yeah in North Korea. yeah yeah well South Korea and media. reports the abuse and exploitation of. people with disabilities on rural.

islands on rural islands they use yes so. you guys exploited disabled people on. rural Island salt farms in sinan County. and described as slavery [ __ ] you you. guys handy look at this you guys. exploited disabled people in salt farms. in sinan County and that's in 2015. five years ago so yeah you had slaves. you got him still.

you take you mentally challenged people. and you make them work in the salt farms. what else is gonna do we do it here at. McDonald's. right here at McDonald's with the fry. guy. that's not slavery they pay him oh they. do yes they pay the [ __ ] by the way do. you even know what salt farms are I've. never heard of a salt farm in sinan. County oh it's literally just salt mine. look at how beautiful that facility is. oh yeah it looks nice to work everyone. so know what there's a little spa in. there this looks nice this looks like a.

safe nice place to work yeah that looks. nice that's a beautiful salt for salt. form in Sinan County's been hewn disco. ride dude I didn't know that about her I. apologize on behalf of my people all. right we're sinan county by the way oh. it's the south south part of South Korea. the most southern south part of South. Korea yeah Bobby beaver sold stuff. online. all the time yeah we're selling online. getting your orders can be a real pain. can it not pain in the tush that's right.

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there's no risk start your free trial. whenever entering your card info go to. ship station calm click on that. microphone at the top at home paid and. type in that friends make ship happen. one dimension about all because we're. talking about older white people yeah I. always get you know I always get like. reformed why old white. like really old pie people try to talk. to me yeah like maybe like 40 or 50. years ago they were on the road like. yeah so I was at a Barnes & Noble like I.

was in Idaho or something yeah to the. last the last one I guess yeah and this. old lady came up to me and she goes I. was reading him that wasn't reading a. book I was like reading a magazine. mm-hmm. hello young man and I go oh hi good. afternoon. what's your reading young man I just you. know my videogame magazine you like. watchin ya video game magazines yeah and. like whatever the next RPG is coming out.

or whatever she gone oh you know my son. served in Vietnam very nice and my you. know my older brother you know served in. the Korean War and we just loved the. food and they just bring up all this. [ __ ] like relationship yeah and you. know I love the Hello Kitty's that help. you guys these are all complement it's.

like hey lady back up all right you. don't want her compliments she loves. Hello they're not that I it's like I'm. just talked to me normal bra. what would normal be that's all she. knows no she she could just say you know. oh that's nice golden goose shoes you're. wearing she doesn't know if she and I'll. be like oh yeah they're 850 bucks thank. you I got him Beverly Hills Beverly here. yeah she's okay hello nice little asian.

boy I like the shape of your body you. know my brother fought in the war and so. did my father yeah and I've got to tell. you they hate you slants but I love you. people. I think that's baby hidden behind she. what she's trying to say is I'm not. racist but she's trying to say like my. history is racist yeah but I'm trying to. not be yeah it's nice she's trying she's.

an idiot but she's trying yeah and. that's why I don't like I don't. them off I'm always like very kind well. in those situations because you know I. am you know a living human being living. amongst in a society and I am NOT a. crazy person because what are you gonna. do you can't teach her you can't be like. you can't like oh hey lady that's stupid. and racist cuz she'll go what I know I. can't say like hey lady you know I just. be real. I've had like 20,000 white chicks like.

it just nothing inside them yeah yeah so. it's like you know that's a mindset is. that like a thing to tell her that. you're like I I know that's a deep down. inside I wanted to say that I'm not like. a ching chong 'hey you know me asian guy. that you're just like everyone else. yeah yeah okay well look I just think. she's trying she's I mean she trucks. she's trying right don't you think don't. you give her a little credits why I'm. always nice I mean she made the effort.

right I remember also she went to her. car and then she tried to come to me. because she saw me sitting on the curb. outside this Barnes & Noble uh-huh but I. could see her like turn around look at. me and like do the thinking like I. should tell me what this little change. oh yeah and then she turned around. taking forever to get to me right. because she was gonna walk in my head. sitting there yeah it's going freaking.

out yes do you do you find that old peep. are people in general I have a very go. ahead and ask me face for some reason. dude anyone any anywhere I am in the. country in the world people will ask me. for directions or they'll ask me a. question about do you know where. so-and-so is and they ask me every time. yeah I've never gotten that why do you. think why do people I just look. untrustworthy and I look confused.

okay but if you saw me on the street why. do you think you'd ask me where a thing. was yeah because you look like a um oh. no I'm just saying I'm being real I know. I'm mister you look like at 1940s. captain of some sort of like ship like a. British ship right where are you you. just have your face it's like you have. the kind of face like if I was at a. hotel like I'm really old hotel like the. shining and I would look at and I would. I'm like you have the type of face like. I'd look at an old photo and go and the.

underneath it says 1929 right right like. you could yeah I've been around for a. long time. it seems immortal like yo do you think. maybe I'm you think I've lived and died. so maybe you're like a Highlander Sean. Connery vibe you have that kind of odd. yeah yeah how old do you think how old. do you think what do I look like that do. I look like because I just gave you a. couple of compliment kind of yes I would. like to maybe you know you look like um. if I saw you on the street and I had no. idea who you were and I saw your cute. little smiley face.

give me smile there it is yeah if I saw. you on the street doing that I'd go that. looks like a jolly fun man a fun guy who. also who also looks a little lost you. always kind of look lost because you do. this a lot you turn you walk away and. then you turn and then you walk another. way I don't think you ever really know. where you're going have no idea which is. really nice yeah so I would never ask. you for directions yeah but I'd also go. I bet you that guy's great on an. adventure okay I would never follow you. into the woods because I think we'd get.

lost but not nothing else well I think. we'd have good sex but we could do that. otherwise. oh no no no no no no oh yeah I don't. think you would want me in the woods I. don't think that you would want me. survival wise no I you wouldn't want me. like on a deserted I like you and I. let's say you and I are playing a plane. crash were the only survivors we you and. I end up on a deserted island okay. you wouldn't want I would be the last. person you'd want there why because I. would have to say you know tribal real. quick you try to kill me yeah it like as.

soon as we got on the beach you'd look. up I'd be completely naked with a spear. trying to I'd have like like some sort. of like makeup on my face and I speak. the language immediately yeah. immediately yeah Wow I'd be all ready. like you know like in Return of the Jedi. when they took a han Solo and they were. in the rotisserie the Ewoks oh yeah yeah. you've been already in that yeah I mean. so you would kill me you think you'd. kill me my whole thing is I think see my. scenarios we crash on an island I'm I.

have. gather and collect everything because. you're laying down your you're finding a. way to play candy crush on the sand yes. and no I would need to probably rest. because I would honestly like honestly I. would be like on the beach like this and. I'd be the first probably sunburn as. [ __ ] see I would I would and then I'd be. looking up and you're like chopping. things down I'd be climbing a tree get. my coconuts right and I just be Liz. Lange and I would probably comfortably. in my life like see after two days of no.

water and you not doing anything to try. to get food for us yeah I would have one. of those nightmares in the middle of the. night where I grab a coconut and I smash. it over your head because I think he's. got protein I can eat him without a. doubt yeah you know I would see you and. I go cuz I'd lose a lot of weight really. fast because I knew that I would know. that about you said you I had already. three yeah yeah I'd already have the. spear ready to go really right over at. the moment I died are you gonna try to. eat me I'd probably [ __ ] you first [ __ ]. me in any way when the body is warm yeah.

yeah me it's still warm so you'd [ __ ] me. because I probably won't have a wormhole. for a very long time I can promise you. that when I kill you I won't eat you I. won't [ __ ] you yeah oh really I wouldn't. [ __ ] you would it be funny if I thought. you ate you and then walked across to. the island as a resort just in Maui yeah. I'm in Maui and they're like why is that. naked guy with the spear with the big. blood dripping and just like yeah guys. have red hairs in his teeth and his dick.

is out yeah what I would probably do. then in that case I would be like I. probably I would say I do plane crash I. was on the beach alone and they'd go but. you didn't see the lights from the. resort right over the hill yeah but up. there like with is there any other. survivors I think no there's no other. survivors no no no no I was blood all. over you did you my own blood let me see. you don't have any cuts on you at all. internal bleeding it's coming out. internal blood is coming out.

okay well take it to a hospital yeah. they're like why is your dick with [ __ ]. on it why is your dick at poop all eyes. I have reverse groans oh it comes out. like makeup of disease reverse reverse. right and they and the doctors of course. would go right we've heard of reverse. price. that's when poop comes out of your. pee-pee okay so real quick Bob I want to. do a little fun segment this is your. bits today I love it I really do like. the bits I love your little bits weight. but here but this is not really me it's.

more this is for you to read don't read. it yet don't read it yet this is uh this. is for you guys so you know Andres is. the new is our newbie you know that's. with us and he I feel like he's perfect. to read us some of the news headlines of. the day and he wrote these jokes. Andres wrote all these jokes himself he. wrote jokes he wrote all these jokes but. he's not a joke right yeah yes he is. let's listen to some of this stuff so. understand I got it now yeah look at it. but don't read it let him read these you. can just see what the topics are in case. you can't make out what he's saying.

because he's you know okay Andres go. ahead okay okay guys welcome back to. this edition of malice amigos news I'm. and arrow Cindy and here are some top. stories in broken English way old on. yeah you got to say it you got a project. let's make that this is a segment under. a so you got to go. welcome back to this edition of malice. amigos news I'm Andres result and heroes. yeah you're a news person news person. imagine this is live yeah we're hiring.

you yeah we're hiring you man so they so. if you want a job let's go alright here. we go let's let's be camera but let's. pretend a world show alright guys get. the cameras go are the sound every wound. up and so and five four three two dress. welcome back to this edition of malice. amigas nurse I'm a better person then. here are some top stories in broken. English Harvey once then fell and hit. his head in jail while trying to walk.

rather than use his wheelchair but at. least now his head will be throbbing and. not his bath butthole really so Harvey. Weinstein hit his head and fell in jail. did you know that no that's a real thing. and they gave him 26 years today in. prison oh he's done he's done yeah yeah. he's did lawyer said he's not gonna last. five years they go he'll never last five. years and the judge was like too bad 26. and he's in Rikers Island bro Rikers. Island oh my I met dude imagine he's.

done I mean but it's them that like it's. like imagine owning Miramax yeah you're. the top guy like Brad Pitt everybody. wants to be around you every celebrity. ever worked with you you're the king. George Clooney Ben Affleck Matt Damon. all the everybody everybody and you just. he just you know why would you rape wise. rape in your head isn't that weird all. that power and he had to write I would. [ __ ] just wouldn't you just get hookers. with all that money I would just define.

the hottest girl on planet earth I mean. you could get uh-huh right and just go. that's it yeah I'm a billionaire I'm a. billionaire Hey and then you can maybe. cheat on the side and have mistresses. even if look at it like this even if the. hottest girl was like I still don't to. have sex with you and you're that rich. just by prostitutes I would buy them for. the rest of my life that you could buy. the hottest girls in the war planet and. you could pay them just to hang out I. know I don't get it all right let's go. to the next Joe come on overhead loud.

and go projected low energy energy. you're not loud enough energy yeah. conspiracy theorists go go ahead. conspiracy theories Alex Jones got a DUI. in Texas and even though he blew under. the legal limit he called the cops Gail. is her so they had to book him they know. it's book him Danno. book him Danno book him Danno was from. the movie no it's from Hawaii five-o. y500 welcome Dan ow yeah Alex Jones got.

a DUI in Texas he blew under the legal. limit do you know that he's gonna get. out he's trying to get out of it cuz. he's saying it's a point oh wait he blew. a point oh seven nine yeah. and he's saying they booked him because. he's a conspiracy theorist that you know. the sandy the only reason why the guy is. famous is because we taught people talk. about him yeah but he says crazy things. he does he's that he you know what once. he said that like what's it that's cool. sandy sandy hook was a hoax I know he. said as soon as that jumps the he they.

should just shut everything off every. Mike should been taken away from him he. has no more credibility crazy. it's insane hey Bobby Bobby you son of a. [ __ ]. talk me about that of Sandy Hook is a. real thing Bob Hope you like yeah well. you know then what happened to the. [ __ ] kids those are all actors. they're all actors everything yeah. they're all actors you don't know. because you're part of the lizard. community here in Hollister all right. let's hear the next one okay so Andrew. Yan officially endorsed Joe Biden this. is sad it's just another young nation.

boy being manipulated but I'm not an old. rich white man giving up on the jokes. say again nice and clear nice and. smoother try it again come on here we go. cambro andrew yang go ahead and Rihanna. fishel endorses Joe Biden this is sad is. this another young nation boy be. manipulated by an old rich white man. Andrew yang it's that's ridiculous. that's a good joke it's just another. young asian boy being manipulated by an. old rich white man that's a funny joke. Andres that's very good who wrote he.

wrote all these jokes it's all my you. wrote he wrote all of these job really. well-crafted mm-hm yeah it's the point. of view are you anxious that's a good. job it is pretty good job that's a great. joke but the thing but the truth of the. matter is is that it's like it's just. another Asian boy being manipulated by. the old rich white man honestly Andrew. Yang endorsing Joe Biden made a lot of. people upset for some reason whatever. they're gonna who cares oh well if you. want to get some food in your belly easy. convenient to your door why don't you.

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I do Valentine's Day already past in the. next Valentine's Day because they have. them every year no oh they do yeah yeah. Valentine's Day every year huh well. that's the next one just prepare and. just okay - well look door - brings all. of America's flavors to your front door. ordering is very simple open up the app. choose what you want your food gonna. come to you you don't. move sit on the couch get fat get lazy. USA's Puerto Rico Canada Australia you. can order all over the world you mean.

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know I'm I prefer Bernie over Biden. right I do I just yeah that's fine yeah. all right you do lean in a weird way but. um I don't like this before. I like none of these people I know I. don't I don't either you're all just. [ __ ] puppets yeah I don't like him. right there's a guy behind the guy I. think Joe Biden is a hack and I think. Bernie's a psychopath I think all of. them are what don't say that off their. rocker yeah don't say I gotta make. school for free they're all crazy anyway.

go ahead now Ellen dress if this is not. clear and [ __ ] you know mean and you. don't sell the jokey part of it you. gotta sell it - I'm gonna fire you okay. all right so louder louder clearer and. more angst no ganks gusto oomph oomph. yeah what's Guster what's gusto in. Spanish how do you say gusto. what's bravado bravado Roboto Roboto. okay here we go don't blush you they.

don't blush we're not we're not angry. okay let's go commercial airline sighs. all right stop stop I'm sorry dude up to. your you're really pissing off the boss. here pal I'm just letting you know bad. idea and race ondrea's hmm I saw you a. couple days ago I was really nice to you. yeah he was was I not we hugged you get. that sweater on we did a couple like you. know me pumps or whatever mm-hmm and I. don't do that with everyone you know I.

there's something about you that I. really like right but if you're not your. make you're taking. way yeah you know I mean and you're. putting hate in there he's diminishing. this you're diminishing it so just. really vocalize and commit come in okay. go ahead. come on in come on add action commercial. airlines are seeing a massive dip in. travel and subsequently the private jet. business is booming also subsequently. private jet is the nickname I use for my. penis and let me tell you business is.

booming. that's a good job that's a really good. job yeah it's a very by the way did you. say penis it says pen name what is pen a. penis in Spanish it is oh that's funny. that's really funny and let me tell you. what I'm saying once you if you would. have said that with low energy you're a. good coach because that worked yeah it. would in a world god that's really funny. yeah so commercial trust me from now on. I do okay thank you. commercial airlines are having a dead.

understand a word he says yeah private. jets are going up we should take only. private jets you want to take a private. jet with me somewhere no because that's. how Buddy Holly died we and Otis Redding. and Big Dipper yeah yeah god that's so. sad all those people yeah but they died. back when it was like the pilots were. drunk they flew in the fog they don't do. that stuff anymore would you rather take. a helicopter or a private jet you. private jet yeah after that whole thing. put up my dad said buzzing do you hear.

that there's a buzzing yeah yeah oh. there it is it's gone now yeah if that's. the thing it's like I would I would take. a private jet over a helicopter. helicopters scare the [ __ ] they scared. me before Kobe died I think I think that. they're both of those though like I. think helicopters are more dangerous and. I mean they are literally don't know the. facts I did I looked it up after Kobe. died isn't Hawaii like before Kobe died. in Hawaii a whole family died. you know I mean from a helicopter crash. yeah I think it happens more often than. we know how many helicopter crashes are.

there here look at this in the last. decade more than 380 people have died in. helicopter accidents meanwhile there are. over 47,000 xnc reasons and involving. airplanes in the US airspace so I guess. it's more common to die in an airplane. accidents but that's only because. there's way more airplane flights than. helicopter I don't. this isn't even you know I mean right I. hear that buzzing again by the way I. don't know why that's got to be a cord. or something well why do you get so. angry just let it buzz or not you know I. mean I just don't like the but it's like. can you not you know but there's a way.

to say okay here let me can I say it. again yeah hey guys there's a little bit. buzzing in the headphones could we check. that out and make sure that it's not. buzzing anymore was that a little bit. better or no that's better thank you. yeah. okay so let's move on to the next one I. want to go I want to go to the next one. Amadeus go to the next one um. that joke was really good by the way he. calls his penis up ride the private jet. what we should do that's very finding. next week when I should get together in. a coffee shop yeah and write a stand-up. act for Andre Andre I know and have. Andria's do a stand-up act with jokes.

that we wrote for us yeah and just do a. little show for us with the accent he. can't read it off the thing he has to. memorize there no he's never gonna be. able to do that he's gonna do it he can. barely read it off the thing now all. right maybe you wrote these jokes oh. yeah yeah that's crazy okay so you can. have a cheat sheet but like you gotta. get whatever give him cue cards you and. I can give him cue cards that's right. okay well give it will give you cue. cards that sound good yes all right so. Andres let's hear the next one what is. it energy energy energy President Donald. Trump is refusing to get tested for.

coronavirus even though he was exposed. to it recently when asked why he won't. get tested for the virus reply only. [ __ ] blacks gays and Jews are going. to get it I'm gonna be fine that's a. pretty edgy joke that's a little the. accent was really good came to the Trump. thing it's true just a plain white mr. president as a president why aren't you. gonna get tested for the virus loud. let's hear what he said and go with. vigor go ahead why are you gonna test it. sir only be nerds and blacks and gays.

and Jews are gonna get it I'm gonna be. fine that's a better I can't do better. that's a really good tries a really good. Spanish Trump I like that that's a. really good stump Trump all right do. what actually say that though did he. Trump he did Trump did he get on CNN he. goes only [ __ ] blacks gays and Jews. are gonna get it what's the next one um. energy energy energy energy okay. rare white dragon odd yeah again can't.

stumble. yeah stumble. okay rare why giraffes were killed by. poachers in Kenya the Wildlife. Foundation is this is disgusted with the. act but I for one I see the justice it's. time for the giraffe gentrification to. stop keep the white giraffes out of our. neighborhoods that's good it's really. good it's really good really good let's. hear the next one that's by the way the. white giraffe do you know that they. that's a true story - white drafts were. found killed by poachers and they're.

like there's only so many left yes. Dustin I think there's a dry no to that. what was the white rhino that's like. that no longer exists oh that yak kid I. got killed off yeah but I mean I think. there's no that's not because you know. drafts it's not like poachers are like. let's kill that white drought because we. hate white giraffes it's because I think. wife giraffes and like white rhinos are. more coveted right and more expensive. probably yeah I guess maybe I don't know. but the to kill them it said it said.

that they found them and they had that. that it indicated that they killed them. weeks before yeah so they killed them. left them there for weeks yeah that's it. I mean let me ask you about just a side. note because I know you you hang out. with buff eyes and because buff ives. likes to hunt buffaloes to hunt yeah. yeah yeah so tell people who buff eyes. this no we'll just go by that's fine and. buff eyes um so how do you feel about. hunting what do you mean how do I feel. about it is he enjoys it and yeah he has. you know he is I don't want to feel I. don't do it would you ever hunt anything.

um yeah if I was gonna eat it 100%. yeah but my point is is that you just go. to the restaurant no no people hunted. Morton's people hunt cuz it's a fun. sport and then if you eat it and you. purpose it as something then then it. seems but you totally find a sport part. you know I mean to me it's like are you. doing it as survival cuz you want to eat. no it's not because you get excited to. kill something that was once they came. out with his family out on the [ __ ]. grazing that's why most hunters like. hunting.

I don't really hunt but I don't care. that people do as long as you eat it and. purposes cuz I always think that like. you know because I know that like I. could have time to hunt where am I gonna. hunt them in Los Angeles I don't know if. one day they said all right. there's no more meat you got to hunt you. for your own meat I would probably take. an oven mitt a Swiss Army knife out into. the pasture and just jab a cow in its. ass I don't know what to do that's right. you have a count its ass yeah yeah. that's it. all right go ahead go ahead all right.

well hey Bob coaching coach oh go new. Chlamydia species were discovered deep. under the Artic ocean which can only. mean one thing. that Jamaican crab Sebastian is at it. again read that one slower yeah that's. really good they'll read that one that's. a good job yeah yeah the whole thing no. no chlamydia species were discovered. deep under the ocean or download our new. chlamydia species was nice and slow.

louder that's cuz they speak so fast in. there like just nice and slow a Spaniard. here we go. new chlamydia species were discovered. deep under the Arctic Ocean same goes. for same he goes fast new chlamydia. sisters will discover deep on the Arctic. Ocean go ahead which can only mean one. thing that Jamaican bastard crab. Sebastian is at it again alright let's. hear the next two we only got two more. left on dress.you really you're.

murdering it yeah how long did it take. you to write these be honest a lot like. two days two days that's pretty good. though yeah how many go one two three. four five six seven eight nine or items. ten [ __ ] up like ten jokes in two days. is really good you're not gonna write. them off [ __ ] up job I know okay let's. go what's the next one a nice and slow. but okay the NHL made history when they. use an all-female crew to broadcast the. game on International Women's Day these. are a strong women. they made it through three brutally.

bloody periods a dress that's very good. very good all right the joke that you. wrote explain me the joke why it's funny. explain that any joked about yeah well. because it's a it's a game that is. bloody but also a period means also like. you know that time of the month when I. got one bear we go that very good see.

here he did write it yeah I know he what. do you mean he didn't know I'm just. questioning cuz it to me I seem like. something that he would write well he. what does he know about the energy. here's here's what here's what George. said I said how are these jokes and. George goes here's the thing he he knows. how to write English better than to say. it so he can write English obviously. obviously okay but honestly speaking it. is this is not Charter right all right. let's you're the last one that's your. last dinger. okay ready for the last one yeah but but.

Bob yeah okay there's another guy that. there's two guys that we found so guys. we got on we got on LinkedIn so this is. your last shot so really celebrate five. four three police capture a yellow labs. that beat and kill a Dutch Han and fight. and beat five people when asked to.

comment the dog said hey it's a dog by. dog world can I read it as you yes. please. ready police capture a yellow lab. they're beat and kill a duck hunt and. beat five people when I stopped coming. the dog said hey it's a dog by dog world. he's a really good joke let's give it a. friend so good you're so [ __ ] good.

these are really really good that's that. is a good look I think the next thing. we're gonna do is we're gonna write a. bunch of stand-up bits for him down here. on the show yeah we should do also. different styles we should do like you. know a tail like switches and stuff. she's saying it's right different sounds. for him each week no no we'll just in. the act will do like he has to do. impressions oh yeah yeah yeah yeah right. some observation humor can you do.

impressions I don't think so but sure. okay well how about what what's an. impression that we think he could do. though that's the problem can you do. Christopher Walken. yeah he's a stansson standard easy one. that's like an entry level how about. Robert De Niro are you talking to me. [Laughter]. everything's gonna sound like Pablo. Escobar yeah can you do Pablo Escobar do. him uh uh yeah I don't have to make an. accent I think yes there is go get the.

cocaine lot o Plomo bla bla mo what is. that what does that mean that's like. either you take the money or it's let or. money let or money Oh boom boom pow. how about Joan Rivers go oh yeah that. one's easy for easy come on yeah. I I don't think I talk can we talk dude. it's so good it's it's literally and. anybody and everybody at the same time.

can you do can you do can you impression. of me or Bobby do an impression of me do. one of me try one try one of me first go. ahead come on. no dead air baby um Bobby what why you. have to be like that that's good that's. very good now do wanna Bob do one of me. yeah you're an [ __ ] to me that's. really good that's really really good I.

just want just one last thing under. there yes I want you to do an Asian. accent just one so I want you to say um. a you touch you by but in it so I'm a. guy I'm walking in a liquor store your. liquor store no right so I'm like you. know me so you see the phrases you break. you buy right yeah you touch you buy. well let's let's give him some reference. for it I'm gonna play that scene of you. break you buy. all right so then you can you you you.

break you buy do you understand what. this is in reference to or no I do okay. so you know it's like there's like a. very okay I didn't even know this is in. a movie it's just well don't be a menace. had it so here this is this is a scene. in don't be a menace and they joked. about this this is a common phrase do. you understand you know the background. of this I just watch I think I do okay. [Music].

turn it up a little bit this is a great. scene then walking into a Korean. convenience store and the white guy is. stealing is so good. hurry up and buy there's one hurry up.

and buy okay hurry up and buy you got it. I got it the white guy just steals the. money right out of the register hey you. jump something there we go very funny.

very funny. that's your well let's say the final. version of it where is it coming Hey all. right what I'm talking you how much for. this candy bar $5. what better give me some sucky sucky. with death flat on it Jesus Christ all. right you heard it you break you buy. hurry up and buy uh-huh so do that best. impression for Bob Bob wants to hear you.

do though so go ahead hurry up and buy. with an Asian accent nine yours go ahead. that was my son. Hayati really work for you really good. really good really work for it you. taught to you by you gotta get smaller. you did it really you went like this you. want by watching that [ __ ] with that. clip yeah from don't be a man escape. imagine when I came to LA yeah those are. the only parts available yeah that's. that's what that is it crazy to think.

that like back in the day Ali Wong all. these like you know these whoa. new Asians you know aquafina right that. they would have to wait in line to do. hurry up hurry up and buy Wow was the. only available thing. yeah that's Chi mean that's very easy to. think what was what was um what was the. name of but that is I mean but to be. fair didn't you play some of those. characters on MADtv you would do [ __ ]. like that right so it's a but I would.

yeah but I would do it to the point. where like you ever see Johnny GaN yeah. to go to YouTube you've seen Johnny GaN. hold on let me see don't be a menace I. just want to see the name of this poor. woman that did that hurry up and buy. scene yeah and I want to see if perhaps. maybe she worked other so miss Johnson. no that's obviously not it but I want to. be problem what she's probably not even. the credits that's how [ __ ] low you. think they put her out of the credits. maybe but look ok whatever the case may. be I don't think you're gonna find the. the store owner for some reason in here. look she's not even credited I know.

that's how [ __ ] sad it was then now. look at go to youtube mm-hmm and go. Johnny GaN is a character you ever seen. my Johnny GaN no it's the it's the I. went to the extreme with it Johnny GaN. Jo Jo how do you spell it Johnny. jo nny yeah gone right gionee just go. MADtv Johnny GaN ok MADtv. Johnny gon gon e I don't know there we.

go there Johnny GaN T oh yeah it's so. racist because I put. what say it it's so racist cuz what I. just wanted to do a character that was. so racist that it became almost like not. race okay let's see. [Music].

oh hello people before time when it get. cold in the woman's nipple stick out and. Johnny go and make the Oscar guesses on. the journey guns. movie guesses for the Oscar Awards oh my. god baby this is literally setting back. this setting this sets everyone back.

about a thousand years no it doesn't. know it's hilarious yeah yeah because. it's hilarious because I just wanted to. do something that was just so so over. the top in internment yeah but people. didn't like it. no really do you get a lot of criticism. for yeah really people don't like it but. you know what do I mean I just I don't. know why look it's that was when it's so. funny because in the beginning of MADtv. they wouldn't give me anything right and. then by the fourth year I became people. started liking me what do you mean by.

the fourth year of being on the show you. I you know you could tell that like you. know when I when in front of the live. audience and people knew my knew who I. was in the beginning like it was you. know everyone liked Mike McDonald all. these happy people yeah I love Mike but. I love him too he's a very good friend. but but the fourth and fifth year is. when um you could tell that you know the. fans started to like me so that I could. go yeah I wanted to Johnny GaN and they. were just like yes all right yeah I mean. I go but can you you know I mean not do.

the teeth thing you put all that stuff. in there you said I wanted to have the. comb-over and everything it was all you. I would spent like six hours before I'm. getting the big head yeah yeah it looks. good though but I like that was that was. fun. should we do something like that now. what do you mean should we like. recreated like characters like that now. yeah like you do an absurd yeah well I. do what every redheaded guy was forever. and still is is like the makeup and the. and I'm saying I want to do that yeah.

yeah let's do it yeah that'll be like I. want to come up with a new character I. would love that let's do a movie of us. me and you doing character yeah yeah not. a movie let's do it next bad friends. done but we will get the costume so. we're gonna do our characters for the. next show. and then we'll also have stand-up. feature by an Venice undressed it's. gonna be a great show Andre so it's. gonna be a great show this is this was. already a fun show thanks for everybody. sending in all those coronavirus. fighters doubly done no we don't have to. be but yeah let's go but we bought but I. need to catch a plane to go to Chicago.

do we had time should I be scared. should I be scared you know I'm gonna go. to Denver so don't get it when I'm gonna. go to Chicago you don't get it we vote. this weekend we won't get it okay do. everything you can't why you look at. this nose look what he's doing. are you blowing your nose on today's. what's in your pocket what's in your. pocket you put take it out what are you. what did you put in your pocket put in. your butt what did you take out he just. [ __ ] wiped his boogers came back just. by you're sick right now Andre Assange I. see you sick he's sick no I honestly.

what are you sick we have allergies. that's it it's the last episode of bad. friends yeah all right look in the. camera would say it thank you for. watching our that works. [Music]. you.