Spooky Nights and Unicorn Love | Ep 88 | Bad Friends

i'm so excited. i'm taking bobby. jules andrew and the bad friends team to. universal studios. it's gonna be so much fun. it's. halloween horror nights. [Music]. so here is the deal i just got a call. from bobby.

he is not coming. also jules is not coming so i am not. sure what. what andrew's gonna say. [Music]. i'm a little scared to tell you the. truth i think he's going to blame it on. me for some reason. [Music]. but i'll keep you guys posted let's see. what we do alright so. the moment of truth.

hey andrew how are you doing what up i'm. excited to be scared dude let's do this. halloween horror nights where's bob. um so. this is the deal like bobby called me. he's at the airport and he's not coming. and jules is not coming either or pete i. think it's just the two of us but we all. said we're gonna meet here on friday. night dude. i i know i think maybe they got the the. dates uh this is not cool man that is so. i i i i mean maybe i checked in there i.

knew he was gonna do this i knew he was. gonna bail i don't want to do this. because i'm like. i might actually get scared of some of. this stuff it's a little weird i don't. really like it it freaks me out i'd. rather be with a group. i'm never it's just yeah. look if you look dumb i can cut around. it and i think i think we'll be fine. let's get a couple things with here. all right. i'm scared i'm actually scared i don't. want to do it let's go back. let's go back out i want to go back to. the car.

i don't want to do it anymore. [Music]. wow.

[Music]. i don't like it i want to go home. here you are. come on andrew we just done one do you. want to do a couple more no i want to go. home i don't want to do this anymore i. got scared and i'm embarrassed and i. want to go home. we'll cut it around i think we've got. great stuff. what if i get your snack.

yeah. so. i got andrew a churro i think he's gonna. be happy uh. this is not the night i imagine but. you know anything for you about friends. let's see. oh. hey andrew. i have a churro for you you got me a. cinnamon penis. exactly. yeah. thanks nancy.

[Music]. this is fun. [Music]. hey. so check this out uh we want to promote. a couple of things i'm on the road. andrew santino.com i'm in san francisco. this weekend i added shows in philly and. seattle and portland i'm coming to. atlanta chicago new york grand rapids uh. pittsburgh columbus i'm all over the. place we just added florida uh. andrewsantino.com tell them to see me oh. go see him he's one of the best in the. world anderson.com also.

bobby's got something so um october 22nd. on netflix my show i'm on an animated. show called inside job with me lizzie. kaplan brett gellman andrew daley a. bunch of people awesome and um it's. about a shadow government and um i play. i'm one i'm a regular on it i'm on every. episode awesome and i played the chinese. scientists oh. yeah but um check it out and also these. shirts these shirts are available. available the bad friends chili chill. chili chili mr hollywood. are available right now they should be.

in the merch bar below otherwise go to. badfriendsmerch.combadfriendsmerch.com. or something we're bad friends. one two three four five o'clock rock. nine ten eleven twelve blah blah blah no. no no that's not the it's my bow it was. a monster oh yeah that one.

it was a graveyard smash how does the. music park go. how does it go how does it go do you. know what it is it's a monster man. who are you who are you. freddy krueger from what from what movie. nightmare on oh great. robert england and what are you. i'm panda. oh panda from kung fu panda. well give us a little kung fu chat.

okay. oh what are you doing fans yeah what are. you fancy is uh fancy's walked into the. room he's he's uh pedro he's pedro from. uh napoleon dynamite the film that came. out 30 years ago that's right he's. really keeping it up to date what are. you smoking. it's just a vape give it to me. is there drugs in it no. i like this look. float flum float gummy drop yep. oh it smells good yeah should i get into.

vapes. come on man is this my thing now right i. don't want to put my lips where your. lips were why. i'm afraid of that no that's racist dude. do it it has nothing to do with it it. has to do with the race if it was just. like it was just here if it was just. enough you'd [ __ ] do it he's cuter. than you but that has nothing to do with. like being clean if my lips turn yellow. after this. you know what i'll put my fingers in. front of it watch this yeah this will. work.

i hate this okay ew yeah. oh whoa. i feel it now it's not marijuana no i. know i don't like it yeah yeah i'm not a. vape god are you a vape guy. no you don't look like a vape guy waves. are for losers oh let's start from the. beginning hey hey what's wrong why are. you depressed. i'm a panda with it. and i'm depressed. because. i i haven't had bamboo in a couple of. days oh look look look that's not oh.

bamboo. bamboo. and also um. oh look a little bamboo from my little. panda bear. my mic just broke jesus. what's wrong with my little panda bear. is your little shad panda yeah yeah why. are you a little shad panda. because of my black eyes. well what do you have black eyes for my. husband beats me oh.

your husband hits you yeah like. my husband. my husband says you know i'm going to. work right and i'm like bye and then. like five days later he comes back and. he's got like track marks on his arms. your husband is about heroin. your panda husband is a heroine yeah any. any um. you can tell that he has a belly full of. bamboo and doesn't bring me any and then. he punches my eyes and he goes. panda's supposed to have black eyes and. he punches my eyes i know yeah and then. he um. comes on my white belly.

okay yeah you can't really see it's. there then can you what because if it's. mixed it's white your belly's right no. but that's when i go to the police i go. he came on my belly we can't get the. [ __ ] out of your panda. yeah i mean i know the cops send you. away well apparently they say it's all. for humans only oh no it's for humans. only so what are domestic violence. panda's supposed to do we have to go see. the bear the black bear. oh yeah the sheriff yeah he's like you. need help yeah see grizzly bear.

eric griffin eric yes ever eric grizzly. very really great. and you need help. you need help yeah yeah well i'm barbara. oh barbara you need help yeah my husband. he's been out shooting heroin with all. the other bad pandas and another panda. out there doing heroin again come on. come all over my belly i can't see any. of it it's mixed in with all that white. fur i know. what a dilemma poor little penguin i. tell them to come on my arm so they. could see the camera yeah then you'd see. it yeah what do you want me to do about.

it uh. anal. bend over. and then you [ __ ] me behind a tree yeah. yeah i like your panda do what do i look. like do you know what i am you're angry. hippie. no you know what i am. a communist. oh that's right you're a comedy i'm a. communist yeah well that was obvious i'm. a comedy yeah and obvious you're a. communist yeah i want everyone to have. everything yeah yeah yeah i'm a commie. what are you. i'm freddy freddy he's frankie kruger.

you look like just like a girl that's on. melrose it's just like a oh there's. [Laughter]. let me ask you something jules if you. were walking like that down the street. with the [ __ ] knives. but like in august. like in cebu like just walking downtown. cebu right you think people would be. like would they would turn their heads.

or they would just. i think they wouldn't mind they wouldn't. mind nobody would think twice about. women with wielding what if those were. real knives would anybody say anything. maybe but i don't think so. yeah that's so wild that's not even a. thing it's not yeah that's not a big. people are allowed to just be chaotic. down there because people have so many. other problems going on yeah that's the. last thing on their mind yeah. i love going to see like homeless people. in like. countries like that why. i love visiting them do you know why why.

they always have the best jeans. homeless people yeah because it's like. they're worn in enough yeah they're they. wear it in in the way where it's like oh. that's a cool you know what i mean like. vomit and you know poo poo lot of poo. right and like piss pure beer mud beer. it's all stained i'd like to buy them. from them. how much would you pay for probably like. a couple hundred bucks seriously yeah. there's some some of them are dope man. what if we start a raw denim company. where you and i go get raw denim yeah.

and then we give it to homeless people. to wear for like a week and then we pay. them to give it back to us and then we. sell it to rich people well they do they. already do that it's so apc you ever. heard of apc they don't do that abc used. to ask kevin christie apc used to. give people jeans. you wait them wear them for a year. you they buy them back from you yeah no. i'm talking about give them to a. homeless guy to pooping them and and. have rip holes and do heroin and stuff. right but wait a minute they would get. they would pay you to wear them and give. them back yeah.

so you can win them for a year they give. you raw denim they give you raw denim. mm-hmm. you go you live lit live in them for a. year don't walk them back don't watch. never walk bring them back and then they. go here's some money or how often do you. wash your jeans never you've never. washed a pair of jeans no have you ever. washed a pair of jeans i always wash. them when i wear them after so every. time you wear a pair of jeans you wash. them yeah that's wrong you're not. supposed to do that. how often do you wash your hair. every day yeah i'm not supposed to do. that either she takes.

your showers. i should charge you. how much do you think it costs for her. like each hour i swear and this is not. even exaggeration. i've i've clocked her at an hour. have you seriously taken an hour shower. yeah. [Laughter]. it makes me so at like 30 minutes you're. like. it's fine is that she's dirty is that. because she's making up for all those. years and not having water running water. and cebu is that what it is. maybe because there's no hot water oh.

now i feel bad. let her take two hours. you know hey look up how much does it. cost for like per gallon uh to run your. shower yeah how much is it for an hour. shower what do you think it is hour. shower probably five bucks. i was gonna say 10 but i feel like five. is bad assuming that the rates of. electricity and water in your area are. national average 12 cents per kilowatt. hour and 1.50. kilowatt us gallons each so for every. gallon it's a dollar fifty each shower. costs you 25 cents or 51 cents per day.

for the whole household whoa that's. nothing so how much is it so so average. i would say that it says it costs you 25. to 51 cents per household yeah per. shower yeah. each but but she's taking what would be. a a five five five four or five showers. four five four or five showers so every. day you're probably costing. two dollars or three oh yeah [ __ ] it. shower [ __ ] you know five hours i. think i got some money in here hey yeah. yeah there's there's a shower. there's a shower give that to bob if you.

ever come whoa good catch rude yeah. honestly that's pretty impressive i. didn't know i thought that was way more. expensive for some reason why did my. parents yell at me all the time for. taking long showers i don't know but why. don't you go to the korean spa with me. ever i've asked you so many times oh. really do you have time to go to korean. spa between going to do sex in the city. and then going to magnum p.i and then. doing the show. tell me when you have time no but before. i have when i did when you have time. when i didn't have the time when i. didn't have the time you've never had. time you've never had time i've always. had time when i've. pandered i asked you panda shouldn't be. angry panda should not be angry i'm sad.

panda and i'm the communist yeah yeah. remember i asked you to go. trick-or-treating this year and you said. absolutely not what did panda sound like. [Music]. okay that's what you're thinking yeah. let me see if i can guess. [Music]. you just repeated what i did. that's the same thing that's true let me. set true that's exactly what i did. that's.

good rudy. i just think of them as like that's not. what they're saying you speak english. they don't speak english i'm explaining. because it's just gonna be one sound. like oh. okay. all right you could have just done it. you don't have to explain yeah yeah yeah.

look up what pandas sound like pete i. gotta tell you. yeah yours that second one you did yeah. the gunner roll yeah that was in my mind. sounded like what i think they do sound. like yeah yeah. because a sloth sounds like this. [Music]. yeah. let's hear what pandas sound like and by. the way huh obviously not not not even a. good effort yeah what a minimalist. archie bunker all right let's hear. to the moon. do you find them though people go ah. pandas are the cutest bear i don't find.

them the cutest though. you know what's so funny i've i do think. they're very cute yeah but also. sometimes i think things that aren't. cute are like i think squirrels are cute. as [ __ ] oh i love them i think they are. cute they're 100 cute what about. raccoons cute as [ __ ] man i agree yeah. what about. i i'll tell you i tell you why we think. they some people think they're ugly it's. they based it on their behavior. and you know what what because of who we. are yeah we don't judge on the behavior. we don't judge on behavior we judge on. looks alone and how cute you are cute.

right yeah you're you're in a my garbage. dump for [ __ ] with your family eating. [ __ ] garbage food yeah and stealing. is one thing fine right but when you pop. your head out of that [ __ ] thing yep. and you look at me with those little. cute faces what am i gonna do nothing. yeah yeah i love you i love you so much. you're right we judge by the behavior. yeah i don't want to judge but. although although i will say squirrels. don't have bad behavior. uh. no yeah i think so what about pigeons. pigeons i don't find them cute though uh.

sometimes but sometimes this is cute. that is cute some just head bobbing is. cute. yeah that is true i never thought of it. that way why is that because of a bird. bob. yeah look at how cute that is yeah but. to me you know i mean i think you're. looking at the bob and you're putting. sexuality into it no yeah yeah you're. imagining right a dev just. on your [ __ ] right there. right and they don't really those. muscles that they're using huh it's like. when a girl is going down on you right.

they're not necessarily muscles they. generally use so they get sore after a. while oh after about a minute. what if pigeons the reason they're. walking around like this is their. practice and sucking dick just right. right and then like the guy pigeons are. in the trees. yeah. practice bad guys yeah two months. january 12th i'll meet you on this tree. stump. get back here when you can yeah when you. can also by the way i learned the other.

day we were i was in boston calm and. boston common in the pack yeah love. going sitting in the park i saw photos. and i was looking at the squirrels yeah. do you know how you know the average. life of a squirrel is let me guess yeah. a year and a half that's what i thought. what do you think how long do you think. an average i also thought one year. that's what i said how much eight to ten. years. well that's a good one how do they i i. that doesn't make sense it's great how. about the average how about a bird you. know we looked it up too what the. average span of a common bird which.

encompasses a lot of birds average. lifestyle six years what do you say rude. two to three two to three two to three. is exactly correct that's the average. lifespan of bird two couple of years. a couple years. and i'm gonna ask you this yeah you. you've got all the birds in the sky yeah. sometimes i'll i'll be. trolling down or frolicking frolicking. mostly like frolicking through. you know gardens or pastures yeah that's. my thing you're very big into pastures. yeah yeah and you've never seen me i. wear my overalls right and i always put. my head in the pigtails.

right i put little freckles on my face. with the you know what i mean yeah and i. have a basket you always have a bag yeah. yeah and i frolic are you wearing a. little tiny skirt oh yeah in a pasture. right and can i say skip right and i see. your little whoop hanging out underneath. right and i sing white music like zip it. jeremiah had a bullfrog you know all the. white classics what are the other white. classics right um. happy birthday to you that's everyone. what else.

um. take it easy. eagles take it eat right now whatever. frolicking what why what else um. go go back go back to your country. that's a white song that's a good one uh. what's another white song um. uh uh build the wall build the wall can. i just finish my pasture please. so i'm i feel like the frolic and i but. when i frown like i look at the birds.

right yeah and i count them and i don't. know the varieties you know i mean. right there's a woodpecker there's an. owl. right there's an owl. right. and um sparrow. beautiful what a beautiful creature dove. beautiful creature quail. are you just rattling off all the birds. you know pheasant. okay good. hummingbird. bluebird yeah bald eagle blue jay.

okay. um. chicken cardinal. rooster. uh two of those things can't fly you. just name two things you can't fly but. they're still birds right you got it. well then i thought that's where i. thought that was the game. swan. duck. uh. very good why oh just taking duck from. me because that was my next one for sure. i know and that's done because i went to. ponds. as soon as i got into ponds i know. and and i stumped you i think you got me.

at that yeah yeah we're done [ __ ] a duck. [ __ ] a duck you got me so can i finish. the frolicking 100 right i count them. all right sometimes it's like macau. [ __ ] man fruit bat. parrot it's fruit bat a bird it's a bat. it's a bat different. oh my god parrot. barrett bird of paradise parakeet that's. great that's a good one i'm a parrot to. parakeet. that's a really good you gotta have one. more otherwise. i know but you took a long time after. that.

did you not i admitted i failed. you're stalling right now [ __ ]. very good thank you thank you. hawk. let's go let's finish frolicking you're. right i'm sorry go ahead all right i cut. all the let me just get to the point. right please there's thousands of birds. right but they so you're saying they die. after two or three pterodactyl. territories not a [ __ ] bird they were. a bird. they were burning we don't even know if. they existed. oh are you a flat earther. that's true they're. existing all right so you're frolicking.

through the field yeah did i do. hummingbird you did that was your first. one oh that was my first one yeah you. can't go for one though it's in fact. when you do twice it's done. anybody. any birds to throw in yeah yeah. raven rain. [Laughter]. dude come on blue jay i already said. blue jack [ __ ] yep you did yup you're.

right i remember blue you're running i'm. not running out you're running. everything in you're running out i'm. running it don't don't say running out. because it [ __ ] with my mom oh we're. closing the door. oh no. all right all right you're in the field. so um and you're saying they die every. two or three years two to three years of. the average lifespan of most birds so. you're talking about thousands of birds. are dying at one time where. where are the bodies. have you thought of that that's exactly. what i thought of when i said when i. read two to three years i thought where. do they go yeah because in my life right.

i've walked around bob where do they. [ __ ] i'm asking you i'm telling you. that i walk around yeah and probably 10. times in my life i've said oh there's a. poor dead bird on the street or in a. forest or whatever right yeah but you're. talking about thousands of days uh. birds dying where are the bodies i see. dead birds more rarely than i see. roadkill. blue chew i'm gonna say something you. should at 50 you know i need bluetooth. it's yeah it's hard right now it doesn't.

go down it's hard to get up it just wait. you dude it goes up and it stays off and. i feel like i'm a 18 year old soldier. again when you told me you said blue i. said blue chew is going to be a sponsor. for us and you said give me some now and. we sent you a box are you using it yeah. it's good that's my favorite bluetooth. incredible hey we could all use a little. stiff breeze a little uh strengthening a. little blood pumping down blue chew is a. unique online service that delivers the. same active ingredients as viagra and. cialis but in chewable tablets and at a. fraction of the cost right take them a. day the best part anytime it's all done.

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pay five dollars for shipping that's. bluechu.com promo code bad friends to. receive your first month free visit. bluetooth.com for more details and. important safety information and we. thank bluetooth for sponsoring the. podcast butcherbox i'm a meat eater i. love the meat and i'm a big beefy boy. and i love beef and i beefed up over. over covid because of butcher bucks i. gained 16 pounds i'm not gonna lie and. if you ask jules right our freezers at. home we have mini freezers filled with. butcher box meat and is we have glorious. dinners it's delicious look when it.

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always like to poke it oh you pop a. pop-up yeah i poke it well so the sea it. can seep in there yeah my favorite thing. about butcher box is that i get me to. the front door and i don't have to go. grocery store there's no antibiotics. added or hormones nope each box contains. 8 to 14 pounds of meat depending on your. box type that's enough for 24 meals it's. packed fresh and shipped frozen for your. convenience so you can save time on your. next grocery store trip look butcher box. is wonderful if you like that mate. you're going to get it here butcher box. is now off no right now butcher box is. offering new members a 10 to 16 pound.

turkey free in their first box just go. to butcheredbox.com bad friends to sign. up that's butcherbox.com bad friends to. receive a free turkey in your first box. well we did it we look we looked at some. of the variables. i mean i bet your money if you me fauci. right some other scientists. right he's a doctor. we need a scientist who's a neil. degrasse tyson neil degrasse tyson me. and you and neil degrasse i check a. couple of boxes with him.

uh what what is his he's black he is. [Laughter]. right so it's like we're checking boxes. we're checking boxes and also building a. scientific community community with one. guy so listen vietnamese fans yeah yeah. we don't be offended no of course not. and we're also not accusing you of. anything we're just saying yeah it could. be them. i don't know i don't think so though i. don't know because yeah they might go. ahead well i was gonna say they might be. the reason that in my neighborhood. there's always signs they'll say coyotes.

are out there eating dogs. i've never seen a coyote take one but. dogs go missing a lot. dude that is such an interesting [ __ ]. theory then dogs. absolutely. a lot right and i've never seen a coyote. eat a dog and i've heard they do can i. just say this too and this is this is. probably just i'm you know i'm this. probably a stretch right but one time. stretch it right i mean switching it one. time when we first moved into our house. right i heard the account at coyotes. right because you know the the real. estate guy said there's a lot of coyotes.

here so we got the fence for our dogs so. three in the morning i was out there. with the dogs jewels right i hear. you know the cow. right. i heard that is that it yeah i don't. know. whatever how about the moon yeah but. they kind of chatter. they do that noise right right. and i looked. and it was. three filipinos. oh my god no i'm not i'm not.

listen. i'm not. saying anything. right i right but they were naked oh. they were naked. making noises right. right making the noises they had [ __ ]. spears oh no and they were hunting. for something now did you ask them what. they were hunting for i go hey get out. of here i mean what do you get they're. on your property and they here's what. what's [ __ ] crazy about this right. they seem to not understand what i was. saying [ __ ] right so they were like.

i could get out of here and they're like. right they spoke that they spoke. coyote right so i feel like they're like. people that were like raised in the. woods raised by coyotes coyotes all. right can you. prove to me you can't speak coyote right. now. i can't prove proof wow let me hear. coyote let me see if it sounds real it's. not well oh see that's what somebody. would say if that no coyote okay. well that's exactly what was that what.

it sounded like but when you were trying. to do the coyote right i go that's not. exactly right but when she did it. organically do it again i'm gonna look. away from you do it again world jules. gomez. i thought you said i was a bad. [Laughter].

that's true to be fair to fair you one. could be two two one could be both. you're allowed to be both things yeah. and yes you are a bad yeah. freddie bat by the way uh our our whole. bad friend's team dressed up. uh. of course uh andres is the ever-present. very topical character. of pedro. from napoleon dynamite yeah and pete is. what are you pete. i'm napoleon.

and he's napoleon yeah because bad. friends i didn't think it is on a budget. on a bucket again and i didn't know that. napoleon what was a fat [ __ ]. bob i'm sorry. i'm sorry all right well say it to him. i'm sorry pete right but. when you see me in this panda outfit i'm. shaped like a panda yeah that makes it. makes sense right you look right now. dude i literally thought i was in. [ __ ] woodstock right now every time i. look at you yeah dude it's like did i.

just time travel right what do hippies. do what are my hands doing whatever. that's exactly what you're cause there's. trails dude yeah you're crazy you're. creating trails you're high as [ __ ] yeah. dude you're sucking [ __ ] unicorn. clock i don't know i'm playing a. republican oh you're not sorry i'm just. a little recorder right. i thought you were doing a unicorn car. what do you imagine a unicorn [ __ ] looks. like not like a normal [ __ ] why just. like a bunch of colors yeah but it can't. be shaped like a normal [ __ ] there's no. i mean i get that the color it's candy. striped i feel like a unicorn [ __ ] is.

not even a solid thing that it's a ray. of light. whoa right you're touching on some good. [ __ ] i know i know so it's like so it's. a it's a heavy beast. let's imagine right. that i'm um. a wood elf. i see it thank you. yeah i see it you see it right i see it. i'm a wood elf right uh-huh. and i was [ __ ] just all day. what am i killing orcs orcs. unkilling goblins.

and cave troll fling fling right yeah. i'm exhausted right tired i go to the. shire right. right i i i pull back a couple. pints. i beat it right right i'm a little pipsy. right. hey frodo. right talking [ __ ] talking [ __ ] right. i'm walking out of the [ __ ] bar right. and they're like you're going home what. else that's what they call me. what do you have a name woody woody.

woody you going home i got i'm going. home i'm not where are you going i'm. going out to get some [ __ ]. unicorn [ __ ]. oh you're lost right is it are they like. prostitutes are unicorns prosecutors no. no right but they're not gay. what are they they're not anything. they're not anything but i'm pretty sure. they're not gay. okay they could be i don't know but you. go out to the woods to go get them i. don't get them well they come to me i do. the. because gandalf taught me to do whistle.

yeah yeah that that dude from the. [ __ ] movie. from the movie dude so you whistle right. they come get comes out what's what's. gandalf's name with shadow mirror or. shadow facts or. uh something like that what's this. horse's name shadow factor yeah shadow. face right so but it's not shadow fact. it's a [ __ ] unicorn right hey [ __ ]. you know what i mean i'm gonna get he's. when he's hopping he's got big wings. he's also going no he's not he's this is. his hooves oh right he's i'm about to. get my dick sucked right that's what.

he's doing. you're right he he's running faster you. know i mean like he would run fast if. work for chasing him yeah but he runs. doubly fast when he knows that this. woody is going to suck his dick because. he's excited because you're good i'm. probably pretty good you're probably one. of them he's not drunk he's not going to. remember nothing i'm going to do it on. his face or whatever right. and he comes out and i get on my knees. right yeah and he does what a dog does. what does that what do you mean he when. he's peeing the rocket comes out no he.

just lifts one leg like this oh yeah. yeah yeah yeah yeah. yeah he lives he doesn't even really. acknowledge you he doesn't yet lifts up. his leg well yeah he's also is he. looking down at you at all he's also you. know what he's doing yeah. he's looking at a female unicorn from. across the way because he's not even. like he doesn't like cross species. so to get hard or whatever he's got to. look at he's got to look at a female. unicorn that makes sense so when he does. this he's looking at is it felicia you. know what i mean. felicia just do it you're right.

a beam of light enters my mouth. it's like it's like you know what it's. like no like those [ __ ] in. ghostbusters those [ __ ] oh yeah the. the the the. the gun the stream the streams go right. and it makes my mouth. it's pulling right right. right right and he unloads right yeah. and it's just like i ate. 93 000 marshmallows. right he he galloped away and i'm.

it's coming out of my mouth. everywhere yeah like that everywhere. that goes into your mouth that goes in. my mouth and how do you feel when it's. over. well i'm gonna. i assume i'm gonna blackout drunk i wake. up in the field right with marshmallows. everywhere and um you know how you wake. up right and you're like um you know you. just do that because your mouth is dry. mm-hmm but this time like. look because of this [ __ ] beautiful. right i found it. right more and like rainbow colored like.

marshmallows. yeah yeah because every time i get to. and then you're sober three years. you're in a meeting right you're sharing. you know and you got so bad. yeah that's what so. it got so bad for me man i used to go to. the shower get drunk right i used to. blow. i used to blow unicorns right and in the. audience you here.

right he's sober now yeah yeah yeah he. doesn't do it anymore he doesn't do it. anymore either but. yeah he comes up to you while you're. having coffee. after the meeting during the break. during the cigarette right. and he's like you ever thought about. doing it again. just to tempt you. right and i looked down at his crotch. right yeah not that a laser comes out. right now but a little bit of like a. little a glow a little glow like.

to remind you. right and i start sulfating right and i. relapse at night i relapse at night [ __ ]. yeah yeah poor woody it's a sad. tale it's a sad tale but it's a true. tale it's a true tale did you did you. find out what a panda sounds like by the. way after 20 minutes of this chaos oh. here we go let's hear what they sound. like yeah. oh [ __ ] we were close.

let's hear. so cute. [Laughter]. yeah it sounds like andreas his car's. starting when he leaves. [Laughter]. so [ __ ] so cute. are they deadly. they i think they can kill i think they. can kill humans. can you like if i was in china.

like you and i are in china yeah right. and we see a panda. would you i'm being real we see. in the wild in the wild yeah right in. its natural habitat. of course we have bamboo sticks. right yeah. would you would you be scared to. approach it. honestly yeah. because look no matter how adorable. don't approach a giant panda in the wild. they have strong groups they can deliver. powerful bites strong enough to harm a. human leg they can so they can get. through you yeah but a leg for a story.

what i mean like there's a story it's. like yeah i guess lose a leg. yeah it's a great story i guess lose a. leg yeah yeah but i mean. a ted talk on it but when you approach. them like it's different with like you. what you can't really pet are you going. to pet it. no i wouldn't they're going to run away. well you and i would have a conversation. it'd be like how's the best way to do. this so let's be real about it. dude i'll just stick. let's get gather a bunch of bamboo even. though there's bamboo all over the place.

maybe we'll we'll get better bamboo. premium we don't know premium though i. know a guy out there oh you do yeah all. right so we're going to see your guy. first oh yeah we'll go to the guy hey. can we get the. grade a premium primo bamboo bamboo yeah. and he's like all right it's going to. cost you yeah here's a wagon full how. much did even. how much is why a basket full each wagon. is the same as a shower it's 25 to 50. cents an hour right so we'll go all. right that's. doable reasonable we'll take a couple. wagons we'll give him a dollar yeah. right give us back the change though.

let's keep it fine. pal all right don't be a day yeah but. yeah we go out with in front of the. panda and then how what would be our. thing would we um you know what i would. do it was i would put two bamboos on the. in the ground right sticks. i would make a human out of it. right like a scarecrow that's his legs. like a scarecrow right but let me get. appetizing. make it happen make it look delicious. for them yeah well see i was going to. say that i think we should rip off the. bamboo leaves and stick them to our. bodies that's a very better idea and. have them look like i never.

then we can just lay back on our stomach. on our back and check it out dude we. also because you know that um. um grizzly bears right. and brown bears because they don't know. like. grizzly bears they eat salmon and honey. right yep right but to. pandas right that's a foreign food it's. like white people eating sushi. here is the thing right so we should. bring that [ __ ]. real canadian honey yeah maple honey. syrup to them to them.

so we put the bamboo right but we're. kind of like a um. you know. we create a meal out of it like a. charcuterie board like a charcuterie bar. so we're like so we have nice salmon. shavings because they might like it we. don't know right they all they have is. bamboo that's why they [ __ ] eat the. [ __ ] yeah they don't know anything right. but when we're like this is [ __ ]. canadian [ __ ] here baby imagine when a. panda gets on a flight and flies to. northern canada oh they run into like. they're going to visit some in-laws. right and they run into some local brown.

and black bears oh yeah you know the. pandas the pandas are you know they're. mixed well and they see the brown and. the black bears and the brown bags. what's up what up panda what's up playa. i feel like and the panda's like what. are you guys doing like we're about to. go steal i think the accent's wrong. these picnic bags i think the accent's. wrong they steal their baskets the. pandas are from china. so do they accent oh oh the panda okay. yeah yeah well that doesn't feel you're. the panda visiting me i'm the black. people i would like you to do the panda. you're the panda. [Laughter].

all right you're the panda you've flown. to me all right and i'm flying right now. i'm the black. so. you're going to let me get the back. story here real quick first of all. you're half white half black okay so one. of your parents is black as a black bear. that's fine it doesn't matter because. the thing is is that let's suppose. barack obama. is your dad no let's just listen. listen to my thought processes right. let's see barack obama right was born in. china right to a chinese family right. he would still have an asian accent.

barack osaka yeah barack osaka would. still have a [ __ ] asian accent of. course well what does this color of his. skin have to do it's cultural. first of all first of all yeah. you're a half black half white. asian panda bear okay okay yeah your dad. is from canada he's a black bear from. canada right your mom. your mom had a job offer in china that's. why you were born there okay.

i better yet. i have a better one what what just hear. me out right okay. let's say there was a war. uh there was a bear war there was a bear. right so antarctica right in canada they. sent troops right to china to china. right [ __ ] to fight the [ __ ] pandas. right well or something to fight the. chinese from fight the chain that's. better yeah right. and you know when two you know two. different armies are working together. yep they're probably some cross-breeding.

because they get bored yup they're. probably listening to jimi hendrix yep. right yep you know this is the end like. through the doors they're smoking weed. yeah together they're sharing weeds. right right this is the end. right when my friend right they're. smoking weed right and i'm like hey man. [ __ ] cuz i'm white [ __ ] pull up that. [ __ ] out here yeah right. and yeah hey boys yeah right his [ __ ]. grizzly ditches gets hard right. right and it's like.

he's got bullet wounds too because he's. been shot he's been clicked up right so. the one night they smoke weed. they get drunk whiskey. [ __ ] right yeah yeah they have a baby. they leave the baby there they fly back. to their [ __ ] they don't give a [ __ ]. about this [ __ ] right so what is that. what you're saying the scenario correct. you're a bastard child. you're a bastard panda child panda then. yes you are all right i'm a panda just. because all right because of what was. going on all right movement hey i love.

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subscription plus you can pause or. cancel at any time. so you just i'm [ __ ] sad as [ __ ] then. huh i just i was raised by my own sad. panda i'm sad panda that's right so what. happens is you decide i'm gonna go visit. my mom and my dad i'll visit my dad. first in canada and i'll go visit my mom. in antarctica so you go to canada to. meet your dad is there like some agency. that he calls to find out where they. live and whatnot panda's international. that's right yeah okay my bad i forgot. that that existed yes because they need. help trying to find their parents. they've all been abandoned yeah yeah.

that's true so you go you fly to canada. yeah and here you are. and you see your dad with all of his. buds. just kicking it kicking it in the forest. and the forest on their block right and. you step on their block and like what's. up what's up little bitch-ass. multi-colored bear and i go. well. what. who you looking for [ __ ] you. why are you well you mean you're looking. for me you're my daddy. [ __ ] what ain't your daddy why you leave.

me. how do you know why you need me how do. you know i'm your daddy. because look and i pull out my dick. right but it's half white and half black. but still shaped like yours so it's real. long. it's long but super skinny why does. everything have to do. how about that forget the day you turn. around let me show you. let me see your butt let's not even do. that because it's sexual we always go. there right. so girls are gonna make it about i know. but i'm gonna do something different how. are you i'm gonna go how do you know you. might suck and i look up my [ __ ] papa.

yeah and there's a birthmark. and then you look at your paw at the. same birthmark. holy [ __ ] right and then what do you do. with that hand we touch hands no you i. thought you were going to hit me i was. you would have rather touched but we do. pg we touch hands we touch hands disney. style right i'm crying and i'm and i'm. crying too you are you you feel yeah. because then all the homies but all the. homies see them crying and they're like. right oh look at him crying like a pitch. shut the [ __ ] up yeah and then you hit.

me. right that ain't my [ __ ] ass son i [ __ ]. we do a hard cut if this is a movie we. do a hard cut cut we're on the dinner. table. we i invited you for dinner yeah because. i we don't know what happened but i have. a patch over my face well we do know. what happened i hit you in the previous. scene. but i'm like just eat yours i'm like eat. your salmon and shut the [ __ ] up and. i've never had it before so what would. it and then my first response is how are. you going to be from [ __ ] asian never. had no goddamn salmon. right we don't have salmon up there. [ __ ] got judged sushi all over.

that [ __ ] that's japanese same [ __ ]. everybody lies so you're that kind of. guy everybody laughs everyone laughs. right yeah and then i grab my [ __ ] and i. head north to see my mom because i like. this [ __ ] you [ __ ] hate this guy i. [ __ ] hate this and i'm smoking. unfiltered cigarettes right i'm like get. out of here and finish the story i. finally it takes me. i walk. it takes me about four years. to get to antonica i think you get. normal let's just. say a couple months. [Music]. [Laughter].

he's a small i have small little limbs i. takes you have you seen the move takes. you a year how how fast can pandas walk. a run. i i got to tell you i bet you can get up. to 10 miles an hour. no there's no way yeah no they're like. 20 miles an hour they go 20 miles an. hour. all right 20 miles an hour. i have no idea well it's got to be a. couple thousand miles so then look. you're clearing that couple months a. couple months right i finally get up. there right yeah. and.

i don't see anything it's just snow. cold right you're freezing right. and then like a couple of seals say. get up let me go you don't want to be. around here oh they're warning you yeah. wrong neighborhood yeah it's like. desolate it's kind of like. um. west virginia like the appalachian. mountains it's kind of vibe oh your main. create from around here you bet i don't. know what you're doing here bro what if. the seals all have southern accents. right i don't know what you're doing.

here boy right you better go back to. china yeah me unless you're here for a. moonshine. right right and then we and i ignore. them you know you don't want to deal. with it yeah yes. and i'm still like now. the wound from my cat hitting me. is infected. oh no yeah yeah my eye is no longer. it's it's gone your eyes been eaten away. so infected yeah maggots and parasites. right yeah but i still have the bandage.

on for some reason i think that that. that's gonna save it yeah and your eye. just keeps falling out of the side but. you keep pushing it back and i say. something ridiculous like to the [ __ ]. seals like. do you guys have. antibiotics or something crazy they're. not gonna have antibiotics right of. course not and the eyes are out we got. moonshine right. and i go. do you know where anna. lives that's why i might know my mom's. what's her name anna i think you think. it is yeah what do you think of this. they're like who are you talking about.

sheila. oh yes sheila yeah she live at top of. that old hill up there yeah okay you. gotta trek up that hill thank you no. problem good luck. but i i i also say i have to say can you. just. point to exactly because i one of my. eyes don't work. figure it out yourself and they jump in. the water they're so. yeah always blacked out i get up there. right. and sheila. is frozen so.

she's dead. she's frozen. she's a fro she's frozen frozen in this. gigantic ice cube oh no. yeah. and then right. what you don't realize right is this if. this is a movie right we do like now a. scene that happened in the past in the. movie at this point we see this frozen. [ __ ]. sheila frozen right it cuts to what i.

did in canada. i steal a gun. well they don't have they don't have. guns they have guns yeah okay they have. guns yeah yeah in the movie where they. have guns of course they do right so i. pull out the gun. right. i stick it in my mouth no no i thought. you were gonna shoot the ice. what should the eyes swing. i would end the movie like this oh okay. you don't think so i say shoot the ice. how about this why don't i let me give. you my comedy version or let me let me. kind of just say let me hurry let me. just hear yours i'm not here i'm gonna.

tell you i want you to do your comedy. version yours guns goes in your mouth. i'm not saying that i'm going to pull. the trigger right i'm just saying that. this is a dramatic moment. right a little i'm leaning against right. this frozen polar bear sheila my mom. right. my eye is [ __ ] gone dude it's gone. it's [ __ ] infected it's gone i'm what. the [ __ ] am i gonna do. i don't have a ticket back to china. right it's all it's it's it's a disarray. my dad is a [ __ ] ass i realize my. mom's [ __ ] dead i mean there's no.

[ __ ] point to it all yeah right so i. stick the gun in my mouth. right i'm a panda yeah right. and i click it. it does it's so cold. like it the mechanisms. jammed. right so you finish the movie. so you start screaming. i don't want to be here anymore and and. and it's a it's a it's a machine gun. yeah. it was a handgun i thought it was a. machine gun.

all right yeah and so no it's a handgun. shot a solid shotgun. no it's a handgun okay we'll go handcuff. handgun yeah yeah and you're leaning. against the icing go i don't want to be. here anymore. there's no bullets yeah and you start. smashing smashing it right against you. on the back of the ice yeah. it's breaking you're like i don't like. this life anymore everything is a fraud. everyone's a. lie yeah yeah i hate everything i hate. and your mom.

positive. you saved my life. ah what are you doing in my house. this is your house who are you mountain. i'm your son. remember you. raw dog. remember you rocked back in the war you. rod 20 years ago how long seven years. ago you raw dog that [ __ ] i [ __ ] a. griffin bear yeah. yeah.

i'm this. and then you had me and then. you left me with my son yeah why do you. have a gun. because my eye's gone and my dad dreams. i was killed no no no give me that gun. yeah and you give her the gun right. and then she turns it on you. that's great. and it works now. it works now and she goes goodbye son. you're right. you know and. can i just it hits the center of my. right in the middle in middle right and.

the way it hits my head right. it shatters every bone in my skull wow. right it's just every bro right and it's. something it there's a the brains and. the skull matter everything it just. like a pinata you hit a pinata right. yeah right and it freezes. right. right and my this is my face right. right brain every brains right. oh. credit's coming out.

right it's a film or you know you know. instead of doing that. right i was thinking. you know imagine if this was a pitch. meeting and universal was like. what the [ __ ] are you guys talking about. and we're like check it out we're not. gonna we're not done but here's the. second option. if you don't like the ending right it's. a little dark i'm leaning against the. thing right the gun doesn't work right. right and i whistle right and a unicorn.

[Laughter]. comes out of the forest. right. my eye right he gallops he lifts his leg. like this and a beam of life goes. [Music]. that could be an alternate ending. because refusing two movies it's a. callback for the other movie it's two. movies yeah yeah yeah so basically you. want to buy it or you don't want to buy. it yeah right right no one's gonna. they're like get the get everyone's. gonna win get out of here. yeah happy halloween by the way happy.

halloween. happy halloween. rudy probably has a book report for us. by now. movie report. oh you have a movie report. clockwork orange oh did you watch the. movie yeah did she really is she lying. get the [ __ ] gum out of your mouth. she claims she did i did last night. how long was the movie. two hours two hours and a half. yeah that's probably right. do you swear. i promise on kalila's life yes that's.

insane just wearing her life but she did. huh. okay so tell us about the movie. so it's about um ah there's this. teenager named alex and then he has a. group called. doogs. doogies wait. droogs. and then. and then. and then. they go on this like really violent. activities where they.

rape put on your hand by the way because. i want to make sure you're still freddie. cougar. where they rape. and like. beat people and then. one time they went to this cat lady's. house. and then alex killed the cat lady. and then he got caught and then he went. to prison. and then alex wanted his. prison. sentence to be shorter so he agreed to.

do this um experiment. so he went to this hospital and the. doctors did. an experiment for him because the. government said that this experiment. will turn the bad people to good people. so they did that. alex was trapped in a chair and then he. had to watch the these violent films. and then after that he changed and the. doctor said he was cured so every time.

he would try to do bad things. he would feel sick and he would make. noises. this sounds like the the plot for g lee. the ben affleck. are you sure that's not g no that's it. that is i i i i'm actually like blown. away i honestly believed i liked it you. did like it. then star wars star wars is [ __ ] star. wars is [ __ ]. so what we just realized now is jewels. star wars is [ __ ] she is an art elitist.

she's an elitist and i love it and i. love it and that's what she that's who. she really is i think she is i think. you're an elitist i think you're an. artist. right honestly. or she likes violence and she likes. violence she likes violence look right. into your camera into your one lens and. say hey george lucas star wars is [ __ ]. go ahead hey george lucas star wars is. [ __ ]. wow you're never gonna work in this town. again yeah. let me ask you this. if they remade. clockwork orange.

and then they cast you in there. or. they made a new star wars movie and. which one would you do. and who would you play. but i only knew the. new hope. you've never seen any of the other ones. we told you about the other ones. uh the first movie. where. liam. nelson isn't it liam nelson. yeah liam full now liam nelson was.

pretty good in that movie that's what. they called him liam full nelson yeah. yeah. what character would you play. the the one that looks like a monkey. fair fair yeah. what about in clockwork let me ask you. this. that monkey what's his. what kind of creature is i mean what. race is he. filipino right no that's not filipino. what is he. i think he's more persian-y. like turkish oh yeah yeah yeah. no what is he in the movie.

i don't know he's a wookie. what's a wookie. chewbacca is a wookie. [Laughter]. okay yeah. i think you should see the second star. wars where empire strikes back because. it gets. that's where he meets yoda. yeah. you you kind of could be yoda i think. you could relate to yoda. he talks funny yeah he speaks weird. english same food same food. yeah environment almost yeah it food.

environment i think you'll be like. you're pretty close to a yoda yeah. you've never heard of yoda. he's a green small thing yeah. very good say no more say more no more. you kind of talk like him too do you. know what jabba the hutt is do you think. yoda was just foreign and he just it was. like he just had broken english you know. when they say he's like oh he talks in. these beautiful like. backwards limericks but really maybe he. just was that sounds like every guy i've. met that's like super foreign like. andres does that. like what andres he's like andrew cards.

cards i need where are they. all right. maybe yoda was just from spain and yeah. yeah people just were giving them a. heart they're like oh he's so wise he's. speaking in this weird language like i. don't know man he could have been super. [ __ ] foreign and also can i ask you. this about yoda is is that obviously. he's a part of a race of types of people. right. where are they not only where are they. but they have to [ __ ]. well oh i know have you ever thought. about that [ __ ] me you are.

yeah yeah [ __ ] me who are you oh my god. yeah yeah. and you think they [ __ ] outside of their. race. do you think yoda's [ __ ] will no i mean. they want to no one's no one wants to. [ __ ] them yoda goes to wookies. yeah and he's just like oh no. yeah. yeah. to [ __ ] me i'm begging you yeah yeah. yeah yeah they're like nobody's [ __ ]. yoda no one's [ __ ] yeah what race is. yoda what is he even did they even say.

yeah in the new the new was it the. manchurian what mandarin. manchurian candidate is the mentor. what's it called mandela delorean. did they get into. species whose to whose true name is not. recorded. we don't even know we don't even know. how the [ __ ] did even. why would that's so lazy so lazy write. it right you made up a language yeah. write it it's maybe it's because it's. kind of cool mysterious wise though with. mystery wise put a label on yeah yeah. so you don't know what they are and by.

the way baby yoda not as cute as they're. making it out to be this just goes back. to our show then this goes back to the. squirrel conversations yeah it's it i. like i don't the behavior aside i don't. think it's cute see this thing go to. baby yoda a better photo of baby yoda. i'm going to argue for him okay i'm. telling you okay. here's my biggest beef about baby yoda. that everybody thought was really cute. okay. this is cute right really cute. no yeah. he go to the one right to the right he's. right already balding as a bro he's.

balding it doesn't bro nothing wrong. with that there's nothing wrong with. that when you're a baby yeah in fact. that look at the fuzz on the it has more. hair than [ __ ] andreas. look at the fuzz i don't first of all. look at this look okay here's what i. want to say about this thing because. we're just fighting for a sides for no. reason. these look at the pupils on this guy. he's been using. [Laughter]. obviously he's [ __ ] up yeah he's. trying to use it you try and look and. look at the wrinkles on its upper lip. you trust an aged baby that's been using.

all day yeah maybe it's maybe he has. progeria. oh no then i feel bad you know what. progeria is no oh it's a disease that. affects a very small amount of people. and it makes you like a it makes like a. six-year-old look like a 90 year old man. yeah it's very sad baby yoda baby yoona. oh so cute right how cute is this so. cute by the way i see you playing with. the knives on there yeah which couldn't. be more appropriate for you but let me. say this do you even know anything about. freddy krueger. he's on nightmare and elms i know but do.

you know what does he do do you know. anything about him like his character. he's on people's dreams or nightmares. and he kills them yeah. but do you know anything about his past. no oh wow wow he's probably my favorite. i know. that's tough jason. jason's so good jason's pretty good. yo i saw the best tweet today i don't. even know who wrote it because i don't. want to take credit but somebody goes. they looked up the stats for jason is. six three yeah and he was like. [ __ ] had it all could have been.

a hooper but wasted it on killing it was. so funny i was like he's that tall. because they they have the heights. listed yeah he's a little stalky though. he's hey he's a big boy. yeah wait a minute so it's let's go. freddy cougar. jason michael. michael myers and jason. voorhees voorhees yeah freddy krueger. jason voorhees michael myers. oh. what uh. uh hell uh uh um.

pen hat but what's his what's that i. don't know they call him pit head what. was the movies. hellraiser hell because i was looking. for help. the creatures and when i first saw the. hellraiser so [ __ ] it dude it was so. weird have you ever seen hellraiser look. up the creatures and hellraiser the. original highways are how scary they. were this is a movie that came out in. the early 80s i think. i. yeah. yeah. dude dude look at the creatures. not him no go up to the top yeah like. that guy right there that guy go down go. down go down look at that the guy right.

there look at that look at that guy look. at that guy go to the right go to the. right now. that one. no yeah that one. i mean look at the guy to the right that. looks like guys from the comedy store. that i see that's true. look go zoom in on the guy on the right. peter. the one on the left is scarier oh you. think so no the one on the right but if. it looks like a thumb yeah. it looks like steve simone. who's that ceelo is that celo green yeah. maybe i'm crazy.

that was a scary movie so [ __ ] scary. man because it dealt with not hell but. like a fourth dimension yeah you're in. another world yeah a different dimension. of creatures that is the thing though. it's got to be sold really well because. look nightmare was great because it was. in our real world so was jason yeah okay. and so was michael myers yeah but with. this it was like. entering other worlds and they could. easily come off as go down there go to. yeah no where the other foot either go. to the right. yeah go to the right far right right.

that one i'm going to see that one zoom. zoom in. wow yeah it's it well it's they're kind. of like marilyn manson it's just a group. dude you know it's either it's either. it's like marilyn manson meets tim. burton yeah. but back when i saw that as a kid though. i was just like imagine living in the. suburbs you don't watch [ __ ] like this. well also there was not much out like. that like the horror movies in american. horror movies yeah weren't this good in. gory yeah. dude i saw a [ __ ] movie a horror. movie called vhs.

94. i don't know that movie. vhs 94. yeah there's i'm telling you. right now there was a couple of of what. what it is it's a found footage vhs. tape pretty much that you find in you. know it just came out it just came out. right. and. see that guy the mad scientist that mad. scientist it's like they're little. vignettes. so they're like eight minute temp 10. minutes vhs. found footage. in a row right. they don't they're not really connected.

right uh-huh but they were so cleverly. done. and so freaky that thing is so good. where did you see it on shutter. what the [ __ ] is shutter. shutter is a streaming platform for. horror movies only. wow yeah. shutter yeah how much is it a monthly. fee are you just a couple six or seven. bucks a month right you have to loan it. to me yeah is that chelsea peretti. [ __ ] please don't say that no it. looks like her right there yeah look. yeah that looked like her for a second.

so she's in one where um she's like a. news reporter so it basically looks like. a 1990s news reporter everything is. supposed to be from 94. yeah and going. into like these subways because there's. a legend that there's like a rat a rat. human that lives there andres. yeah anyway that was just something that. i recommend imagine andres down in a. subway and you're like oh rat and he's. like. yeah ain't then said five. and then he scurries away yeah yeah i. want to this looks good i finally by the. way i finally finished finished squid.

game like i had seen. six what'd you think and then i finished. finished it what'd you think. i'm gonna give my fast wrap up because. we already talked about squid game on. the show before but here's the deal too. many stories are being told at once not. a fan of that way too many stories too. many ancillary characters that you're. like why the [ __ ] was that guy involved. but it's not about him yeah the ending. also made me a little bit mad because um. uh. the twist was cool but then also. elongated and. a little like.

a draggy it was a little draggy. um. well you know no one's gonna be no. when you're writing a show like that. you're not gonna satisfy everyone. it's like when people got really mad. about game of thrones the end the last. season of game of thrones you're just. ripping it apart it's like i just it's. just so difficult it's just drugs it's. just drug on a little bit too long to me. it didn't to me it was like. i wish they'd do a part two. well they're gonna do a part two yeah. and i thought that um. in general the whole thing was it the.

the sets. the squid dies by the way spoiler alert. yes. how immaculate were the sets well that's. you dude you know you can buy. the you can buy an alarm clock for your. bed that's. how do you say red light green light in. korean i don't know that's so offensive. to your [ __ ] history you're offensive. to me ask me a history a word for my hit. from my [ __ ] ireland yeah how do you. say good morning in ireland come on. oh [ __ ] my bad there you go yeah.

okay i should know mine then or ask me. actually how do you say had a good. morning in ireland and iris asked me. again. how do you say have it yeah how are you. having a good morning in ireland have a. drink that's it. oh you went for the stereotype have a. drink and a smoke. there we go made original fight a. fighter. yeah i'm telling you. you can buy that alarm clock and i was. gonna buy that for you but you know what. you know why i didn't buy it for you. didn't get you a birthday present not. only did you not give me a birthday. present you didn't even call me on my. [ __ ] birthday oh what day was it.

it was on sale angry don't throw. anything it was on saturday yeah and. guess who called you on my birthday. me. me to say hi. our relationship is in the tit for tat. that's a [ __ ] fact yeah. yeah our relationship is another tip for. cat all right yeah it's it's a ta it's. tat and tat yeah it's tat for tat it's. half no it's tough for t [ __ ] tactic. [ __ ]. tit for [ __ ] did for [ __ ] right and um. the president that i got you is still. being mailed.

somewhere. i can't tell you it's a surprise yeah. can you. yeah make it up. no i'm not gonna make something up what. are you getting so angry about look at. your face i can tell the shift of your. face you can't even see my eyes i know i. could just see through it i don't like. it wait can you see my eyes through here. yeah these are [ __ ] cheap glasses. yeah yeah so i can see your eyeballs but. let me say this yeah i hope everybody. has a happy halloween yeah i hope nobody. hey nobody. gets a razor blade in their candy. yeah.

no one does that by the way they used to. i don't i don't believe it. yeah you know what was scary remember. the tylenol scare when people were. putting tylenol in. candy no when they put cyanide in the. tan not tylenol. funny. yeah so back in the chicago area back in. the early 80s yeah some guy took ten. because back then they didn't have the. protective seal. right right so you could open it up so. you could buy tylenol some guy and they.

were the capsules yep so you could undo. the capsule dump it and some dude put. cyanide in there that's so [ __ ] up. it's so [ __ ] up. repackage it put it at pharmacies and. grocery stores and whatnot right so. there's one family that like. somebody died right. and he died and so at the so he took a. tylenol in this house they didn't know. what it was so when his family gathered. for his morning at the house. two of the guests had headaches.

and they took the tylenol and they died. as well how crazy is that that's so. [ __ ] up it's so [ __ ] up. and guess what huh they never. lived again caught him. they never caught the cyanide tylenol. guy. so he got a freebie two freebies no he. killed like six i think what yeah six or. seven people what kind of criminal would. you be like that would you be that kind. of psycho killer. i'm not a hands-on kind of a guy so what. what are you you're you're killing like.

that you're killing through the mail. type of [ __ ] no i would like maybe put. like. how would i do it. i've thought about it i've never thought. about have you thought about it yeah. okay what would you do. no. no no what would you do i don't want to. say it well no just hypothetically oh. right rice. rice oh yeah yeah no i don't i would be. i would do um. i like it when the psychological. thrillers are like uh when they like get.

into your water line and they've put. blood in the water line yeah and you're. someone's in the shower and they're like. and they see bloods coming out of that. yeah. and then they go to go you know get out. of the house but they can't get out of. the house yeah you know and then i cut. the power yeah and then and well nobody. has phone lines anymore. and i cut the phone lines yeah and then. i bust into their house yeah right and. they're like. and they're freaking out. and then i'm like. i'm just [ __ ] kidding. that's what you do and then i get out of.

there yeah. you know what i would do and i turn. around. i would i would. find a face i wouldn't i don't know i. would find a family yeah i had no one. yuck. i would find a family right. and i would know everything about the. family their routines when they go to. job right i'll pick up their mail right. i would move nearby right. i would invent a machine you'd buy. property. yeah that's a big big commitment. yeah yeah no i rent. yeah but then they get to do a credit. check and all that stuff it's fine. they're not going to know me so check it.

out. they don't know i also invent something. and what it is. just hear me hear me out right. it's a little mechanism right that you. put underneath the pad. okay yeah and if i call the number it. releases it triggers it. and what it does it puts out. the valium smoke. into the rooms right so if there's a. family of five or six people and living. in a house right i would put one in. every underneath when they're out of. town right i would sneak in right yeah.

and once i see everyone going in the. house and all the lights going off i. would turn it on and they'd be feeling. good. they're passed out right you go inside. and you kiss everyone on the forehead. and then you leave. yep. [Laughter]. how'd you. know nice and sweet yeah. what would you do a little psychopath. i'd stalk and only prey on men.

and okay. except for men that you're friends with. and know well right. any that i. would hate but like people that you work. with you wouldn't stalk and kill i could. but like people that you work with on a. weekly basis that you know are like. family to you you wouldn't right no it's. fine. no it's fine you would i would. wait i'm not yet done. okay. what about guys you live with would you. kill people that men that you live with. right.

and then. when i stalk them i would um. like. sedate them or like put something in. their drinks for them to sleep oh and. then i put them in like. the basement or if in the house of the. bobby maybe in the garage uh-huh. yeah and then i would tie like maybe. like six or. eight. men together we all get tied up together. and then what happens. and then. while they're asleep i would put.

fireworks in their butts. like m80s explosives yeah yeah. and then. which which can i just do some guys get. more explosives than others in their. butt yeah if i hate them more. okay so like i would get maybe one and. bobby would get. honestly how many explosives would i get. in my bot. i didn't say you would be in it how many. explosives do i get in my butt. maybe you'd get. one and a half one and a half what is. about how much.

five five i get five at close to okay. how about pete. no i don't want pete in it and andreas. why the [ __ ] do they get just let's play. it out they get to live yeah let's play. it out let's play it out yeah so i'm. tied up i got one and a half explosives. in my butthole you've got are we naked. um i don't want to see your. dicks so you cut our dicks off no like i. just. cut a hole in your pants and my pocket. or or you could just stick the [ __ ].

no i want it i want it inside right you. could stick it in my butt and put my. pants back on she doesn't want to have. to take off your pants no. use the scissors cut the hole. yeah really fancy like raw denim pants. yeah ones that a homeless guy wore for a. week yeah yeah okay so. and then what would would you like them. all at the same time yeah and i just. record you okay can i just say this. i don't think that would necessarily. kill me no but an m80 in your butthole. five of them.

it's [ __ ] explosives i know but still. it's like i could still be torso guy. it would rip your body open yeah just. the bottom half i'm still a torso guy. from then on bobby i'll do the special. olympics you remember what do you. remember in our polar bear film. yeah. when your head ex like. every bone in your brain in your head. bro yeah same thing with your butt i. know my butt but still your whole body. your whole body your whole middle your. guts would spill out you'd be gone bud.

okay can you do one she doesn't know can. you just do one that's why she put it in. our butt. i get five he's not gonna die you put. one in his body no because i need to. experiment she wants to know who get who. yeah ah all right so i'm absolutely dead. all right i'm f you know this i'm. [ __ ] dead man yeah yeah but he's not. no. but i might be crawling around on my. torso yeah if he's not dead i'd do. something else what are you going to do. foxy i'd rather be dead no no what is he. going to do this is what i like so my so.

he's gone i'm torso guy and i'm like. i'm moving around. like a little [ __ ] you would plead for. your life right the whole time yeah what. would you say i go rudy please i'll do. anything though you don't call her by. her fictionally you probably call her by. her real name oh yeah um. please don't hurt me yeah kill me please. please don't kill me i'll do anything. that you want please and then what do. you do. i want to carve. something in his stomach or face oh oh.

you're gonna do some artwork you're. gonna make me a pumpkin yeah yeah what. are you gonna call it like a message. yeah or just like a design oh a does. that like a you're gonna make art i'm so. i'm art now yeah yeah like and you're. gonna put like a sun or what yeah like. with a knife. oh [ __ ] that must hurt are you gonna. eventually kill me no you're gonna let. me slowly die yeah yeah. okay and then how are you gonna get away. with. i'm okay if i get caught holy [ __ ].

that's crazy. plan no but by the way that's more scary. to me someone that's like i'm okay that. guy get caught that's so scary pretty. scary yeah well you're gonna move out. no you're gonna get down in the house. i'm not gonna do it yeah sounds like it. she's not gonna do it. well happy halloween rudy halloween i. want you to look into your camera. and do the most creepy voice of thank. you for uh for being a bad friend as. creepy as you can. happy halloween.

no thank you for being a bad friend is. what i want you to see you say happy. halloween didn't i say thank you for. being thank you for being a bad friend. and that's all it's not creepy. i don't know how we're not going until. you do it yeah that's true. go get some gravel on your voice get. some messy hair. something [ __ ] creepy something. thank you for being my friend. all right you do yours into your camera.

and i'll do mine go you do your. creepiest. uh andres let's hear yours. thank you for being a bad friend. just like a spanish guy with a smoker oh. yeah pete.

thank you. for being a bad friend. pretty good rapist. yeah. and here's mine yeah ready. [Laughter]. thank you for being a bad friend. [Laughter]. old-timey pretty good yeah. [Music]. yeah do you know do you know do you know.

that our dearest pedro andres. is taking his citizenship test that's. amazing and he needs to become a citizen. that's incredible and this and and he. he needs our help i do. and no seriously though he is literally. trying to now so here are the bad. friends you know we have an illegal here. yeah. well hey hey. maybe two. okay got a couple illegals yeah maybe. yeah yeah and one of them is going to be. naturalized right you're going to. denounce your citizenship of spain. you're going to become an american.

citizen right yeah and buy a gun buy a. gun buy a gun so this guy wants to take. a scissors citizenship test i can't even. say it and we are we going to help you. study what is it what do you want us to. do to help you get through it hoping you. guys could give me the answers. okay let's see i think we know i bet you. we know the answer i'm an american man. rudy do you know some of this stuff. no. i should study too all right pull your. pull the mic closer rudy i don't know. the first one i'm [ __ ] all right rudy. who wrote the declaration of. independence. um.

george washington. adams. john hancock. john adams thomas jefferson thomas. jefferson who said that. uh fancy i've been studying a little bit. wait a minute you you you have to. do you not know the answers to these. yeah what is one promise when you make. when you become a united states citizen. um. you. you risk your life.

for the country for the country. is that your answer yeah what is one. promise you make when you become a. united states citizen um. to vote for trump when he runs on a. second term maybe i think that's it. what do you think. you can. [Music]. you can. buy a gun. you can buy a gun okay what is it fans. uh you have to um reject your loyalty to.

other countries oh i know that. and you better and you better who was. the president during world war one. i don't think roosevelt you know when. somebody says when you know when. somebody says go back to your country. yeah where do we go. uh what does the president's cabinet do. other than hold it's china. [Music].

this is. [Music]. [Music].