Rudy Rejects a Cute Guy | Ep 113 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these. two idiots. white dude i'm an asian dude. you two are disgusting. well you two or something we're bad. friends. so friday night we're in austin moon. tower comedy festival and. a what do we do bird scooters or like i.

had it on my app of course i've done it. before i do it i do it when i'm in. oklahoma why did you act like you didn't. know what you were doing i do know what. i'm doing i was zip days. yeah. first of all every we all bring the. [ __ ] scooter and then you just leave. everybody did it did he leave everybody. yeah i was like i was like half a mile. down where the [ __ ] is everybody you. didn't want to stay with us. you were zip zoom and zombing around. and then so i got rudy's hers kept. locking on her which was very funny. because she can't physically push it. she's too weak yeah she's way weird so. when it locks she's like hey tito andrew.

hell yeah she got stuck in there it was. my first time i know but it was so funny. how is it a 19 year old. it's her first time on the scooter old. losers like us i'd been on dozens of. times yeah how have you never been on a. bird or a lime or a i don't go out yeah. that makes a lot of sense no you know. what yeah so so you have to go outside. there's there's no covet on zip zoomers. yeah there's no well there wasn't any. covet on those things. [ __ ] guy i know trying to ruin the. [ __ ] podcast trust me he's doing a. great job he's trying to get my zip. zinger in sorry yeah there you go well.

that's it cut his mic off. yeah so we zip doomed around town around. south congress because the goal was we. wanted to get rudy jules a pair of. cowgirl boots and. bob and i got her i think the dopest. yeah pair it's got little hearts on it. did you like it i really like it. and but we got blown up on south. congress everybody want to say hi and. take a picture so shout out to austin. then we had delicious delicious pizza. shout out to home sliced pizza and. allison the best pizza i think i've ever. had not ever no because.

the element you don't expect it out of. texas correct number one correct it's a. surprise it was number two i was so. hungry. we were big time big hunger hunger and. you were like we'll wait for the mexican. food later i mean because we went to a. nice restaurant wait too well. okay yeah well you raged out we got to. talk about that we did i didn't enrage. yeah you did we had the pizza and then. we so we talked to um maddie. i called maddie matheson and i said hey. because every time i'm in austin. uh he's been he's been there twice with.

me and i was there and then we went out. to eat and he suggested we should go to. this restaurant. um do we need to say we don't need yeah. i need you to say it it's called soarte. and how does your fancy say it how do. you say it. so fan i had been there with maddie and. he was like you should go back you know. the chef loves you. meanwhile so just let's just paint the. scenario okay so it's a moon tower. comedy festival a lot of outta town is. around town it's a hot restaurant right. so they're booked to the gills they. don't have the room but you know andrew.

is hollywood and he has connections of. course so he calls maddie and goes can. you call the chef to get us a room right. so maddie calls the chef chef's like all. right i will make room for inside the. restaurant you're set up you're all good. to go you're going to get to go we show. up right and the hosts act as if they. have no idea. and they're like outside is the only. thing and i was like but we called in. advance and she said well i think it's. only down here for five and i said i. know but we have one more and no. restaurant on [ __ ] earth.

has a five top and not a six top it. doesn't exist yeah you would just add a. [ __ ] leg to the tables are even. numbers two four six so a five top is. sitting at a six top table like you. never go like hey you get in my car. there's four people uh my only car only. sits. doesn't happen it doesn't happen that's. like in the restaurant so she was a. little rude to us to be honest be honest. because i was being i was holding my. calm and i was like there's no way that. you can get well this is this is exactly. what i was not being mean what was that. mean no but you yeah your face turned. bright red and i am like.

really red yeah and you were mumbling to. yourself. i walk away and i go [ __ ] believe i. mean. i'll shoot up the whole block you came. out hot you sat next to me he's like i. can't [ __ ] believe should i say. something called matt you know i mean. you were like i was like well should i. well i wanted to rectify the situation. because she [ __ ] me off she literally. goes no so she said she said there is no. table inside and i said. what do you mean i thought there was and. she goes yeah we don't that's not uh it. doesn't seat six i said we can scrunch.

in we have a mini person a half person. yeah yeah she's a half person she's so. skinny and tiny and like we can see. that's considered a human huh she's not. even considered a human so we already. know she's a little alien we'll get to. you in a second yeah so then. i walk outside i'm bummed the [ __ ] out. and i'm like what are we gonna do and. everybody was in a good enough mood that. we said we'll just eat outside it's hot. as [ __ ] it was muggy as [ __ ] yeah i was. sweating balls my nuts one of my nuts. was inside my butthole literally inside. my butthole and my penis was holding on. to the other nut that's.

my penis was curled. into my ball your the honest truth. is inside you're like i'm andrew santina. no. just let's be honest i didn't want to. eat it i didn't do you want to eat. outside i'm very humble. mommy [ __ ] you. you are not humble yes i am no you're. not yeah admit it you're like i can't. believe i'm andrew santino a headliner. did i say that once facebook no but it's. all everything's behind his mumbling no. you're gonna need between the lines. friends.

i like eating outside i like eating. outside but it was hot and gross i. didn't want to be outside that night we. wanted to be inside yeah but so why not. why are you angry. because i want to be inside you're. hollywood andrew no i want to be inside. all right i don't want to eat outside at. a [ __ ] picnic table oh so we at a. [ __ ] five-star restaurant. in the park by the [ __ ]. which was good for you do you remember. what i did and i'm not handicapped yes. you are all right yes you are even when.

you sat down. even me i was just like i was the voice. of reason. how am i the voice of the reason i'm not. going listen andrew tom now we'll just. eat outside and you're just ranting and. raving so that's how i know there's. something behind it i was annoyed that. we couldn't eat inside we deserve to eat. inside. you know what it is i know what it is i. don't like i don't like i don't like. things that are illogical it's not. logical to say i can seat five but not. six it doesn't make sense no i think.

what it is. since you hooked it up you called maddie. right you did all that i was embarrassed. i couldn't come through yeah and it was. embarrassing it was embarrassing you. didn't have the power to get us inside. well no cause i cuz i didn't flex any. power in fact the chef saw us you had no. power that's what we went outside no no. you had no power timeout power time. that's not true because it ended up. being to our advantage and i'll tell you. why when we went outside and we did a.

thing i didn't say anything mean to the. host but they had no idea that this. reservation had been set up through the. chef so of course maddie made a phone. call unbeknownst to us because we told. him what happened we sent him photos i. was like thanks for the parking lot spot. appreciate it it's so passive aggressive. yeah it was i said thank you thanks for. the rest love love i love sitting by the. dumpsters yeah i said me in the valley i. took a picture me and the valet are. going to have appetizers yeah so you. sent that to maddie no dude did you text. him at all yeah of course i did would. you say he said.

nothing says. you know the chef like sitting by the. hanukkah stop. very good nothing says you know the chef. like sitting in the handicapped parking. spot outside but okay so let me say this. so i didn't make it i said let's have a. good night we were with my friend. chelsea we're all together the bad. friend's crew and i said we're gonna. have a good night okay. and then one of the chef comes out to to. come by and say hello cause he was like. hey man i'm so happy that you're back. thanks for coming and they started. sending out a ton of [ __ ] they sent down.

a [ __ ] load of food they sent out free. shots and who took shots. yeah two of them two of them yeah. because i'm not drinking and so bob's. not drinking so. yeah it was actually if she was very she. was speaking like bourdainish when she. was like. nothing says sweet like a little mexican. kiyota sauce spread evenly around the. beef tongue as it slides its way into my. belly it was really smooth did you hear.

her in the parking lot. why do i remember that because you were. drunk. because you were drunk you were drunk so. then food was amazing food was so good. sort is so good so then they sent out a. bunch of good food and then in a moment. of sheer panic. bobby was like we should bobby the whole. night was like we don't need to do. [ __ ] sound check [ __ ] sound check. thinking he's like a rapper from the 90s. he's like we show up and guess what what. then in the middle of the meal he goes. we we we should. we should go do sound check i don't know.

why you started to get nervous the panic. came over me we should do sound check we. should do sound check well i'll tell you. why so you jump in a van with the whole. bad friends crew and leave me there. that's true i did i left you there and i. apologize but let me see and they kept. sending food. they kept sending literally we had. [ __ ] they sent out um. prime rib they sent out beef cheek they. sent out uh more [ __ ] dip more. quesadilla wow so i boxed it up brought. it to the venue and this [ __ ] piece. of [ __ ] goes i don't eat leftovers i. don't it's high-end food i don't eat you.

said i'm hungry regardless if it's. mcdonald's or high-end i don't eat it in. my body it's. okay. it was like it was like a 200 steak that. they gave i don't eat it i like fresh. well i'll say to all the fancy chefs out. there i'll eat leftovers that's fine so. they don't they rush to do sound check. and leave me there i'm glad we did that. too because there was you know problems. no problems but was there problems no no. but it was like i had to go. i had to go how is this going to work. because the chairs were already out.

there so i'm like the chairs out we're. in the chairs you know i kind of. orchestrated how. it was gonna which was good because you. did do a good job and when we got there. the only problem was the festival had. double booked brian simpson who we love. one of my favorite comics and brian was. going to come due time and then trevor. got asked by bobby to come do some time. too because. brian wasn't gonna make it yeah and. brian was not happy that the festival. made him like come to the venue then. they put him in a car yeah took him away. to do another spot so he missed his spot. for our show yeah and on our show trevor.

did a great time then we did time and. then. and then the show was the show was great. i guess it wasn't did you have a fun. time flawless it was it was good and. when they said your name. you came out there oh my god the. building shook she's petrified. and she doesn't want to come out but. [ __ ] it all right. rudy jewels give a round of applause. [Applause].

that's the first time after where she. goes. i like it did you really. i liked it because we chanted before we. had a little chant we said bad friends. bomb bad friends bomb yeah i remember. because you got to shake away the bomb. because she was worried about bombing. yeah but the first joke she had was. probably the joke of the night she said. she looked around and goes too many. white people yeah and which is honest. and it crushed it crushed but then we.

turned the house lights up and there. were a lot of brown were you surprised. at how many brown there was yeah there. were a lot we get down with brown we we. get down with brownies. you know they just they just have to be. [ __ ] up internally well they are yeah. you could tell like you could tell by. the questions that came out of the. audience yeah we have such [ __ ] up. [ __ ] friends such [ __ ] up man two. brothers that didn't even sit in the. same row together all right they came. together and they sat 30 feet away from. magic so wait a minute you weren't you. were where where were you two supposed. to sit i was supposed to come over here. you weren't supposed to come at all i.

had to work tomorrow yeah you got to. work tomorrow i caught out you called. out sick yes god bless where do you work. where do you work uh an hour away wait. tell me what it is an hour away the. company. was called an hour away. temple where temple temple temple you. were jewish no no no no he doesn't look. jewish at all mexican i've never seen a. mexican jew in my life but happy. passover yeah yeah. wait a minute you're so you you have you. work at a company called temple yeah. yeah and what do they do uh small town.

exactly what do you say. small town. then we had a hot guy the whole temple. stuff was funny yes. dr drew came and did some time with us. and dissected bobby's relationship with. him in addiction which was really nice. and then afterwards i mean it was just a. magical night and then i didn't see you. after the show well you guys went to go. get pizza and so now tell me the. nightmare. it started unraveling the next day so. here's what happened i ended up going to. my friend chelsea and i and her friend. went to soho house to just have dessert.

because i'm not drinking right now so i. said i'm just gonna go have a little bit. of dessert and then go to bed happy in. my hotel and i did i had a fat ass ice. cream sundae and three chocolate chip. cookies and then i went to my hotel yeah. and i took a little duper pooper and i. sat on tik tok for a while and laughed. and i rested my little head and i had. such a nice day great you deserve it. then on the next morning yeah i go to my. little airline my little flight my. little tiny puddle jumper plane. 37 minutes and emma. roberts she was on my plane okay and the. plane is only like 12 10 people it's a.

little tiny plane all right so emma rob. is that julia robert's daughter it's her. niece. what is it oh it's her brother's. daughter is that what it is i have no. idea i'm just guessing that's a real. good guess thank you because you shall. do it again because let me see because. eric roberts is an actor yes and he has. a daughter julia roberts aunt that's. right yeah you're correct okay so she. was on my flight and i thought what a. good luck charm what a good luck would. seem like a good cool popular actress is. on my flight yeah it's gonna be a great.

day yeah so i get off the flight i. unload my bags. smooth flight. no very very bumpy but i kept staring at. emma roberts thing is everything okay. and she kept turning and going like this. which i don't know if this is the white. power symbol or the okay but that's what. she kept doing to me and so then we got. into i got into dallas. and. and i said immediately i get to my hotel. i'm ready to go room's not ready but you. know what what that's okay. are you sure right now it's okay are you. mumbling yeah.

yeah yeah but i checked in on the app. already on my phone see you here's. what's funny about you or what i. realized is you mumble so that other. people can hear it but it's not directed. at them well you tell okay you be the. hotel clerk and say your room's not. ready mr santino um hi welcome to the uh. four seasons. it doesn't matter does it matter welcome. to the marriott yeah sure okay welcome. to the residence inn try again.

thank you uh-huh um i'm sorry but um. your room isn't ready yet oh it's not no. it's at three o'clock it'll be ready and. it's about three o'clock right now yeah. um but the the guest that was sitting. there is she's packing up now so it's. gonna take us a little bit no that's not. a video roast beef things like that i'm. checked in on the app already i already. checked on that why would you [ __ ]. make a check in on the [ __ ] room's. not ready that's not a big deal i'll. just leave my bags here so that's what. you do so i left my bag right and then i. went to my favorite area of downtown.

dallas right here i went deep ellum. which is my favorite i had one of my. best. days of my life in deep ellum this. sounds like a great day so far no no. a year ago had the best day oh actually. all right a year ago i got to drive. fancy cars because my buddy owns a car. shop and then i got to go deep down and. i danced my balls off with with my buddy. chris o'connor i remember that and i had. this i saw the video so i went back to. deep ellum and guess what that place. that i wanted to go to yeah closed down. closed down. no they just couldn't make it. financially did not make it did not. survive and so then okay i said.

that's okay. hit number one that's okay that's okay. yeah so then i walked i went to this. little shop there's a little like skate. shop and i bought this cool hat because. i was like i like deep ellum that's a. cool cat that's cool i was like still in. a good mood i'm i'm gonna have a good. day right i don't give a [ __ ] yeah and i. said two bad things though. uh. and mine was three times three. all right so then i said not a big deal. i'm just gonna get some good old texas.

barbecue. great great idea thank you great idea so. i go to this barbecue place that's near. there yeah and i sit down at the bar and. i said can i order here do i need to. wait in the line and the guy says you. can absolutely order here no problem i. said wonderful. so i said i would like the brisket and. he said you got it he said brisket plate. i said sure what are the sides i said. you pick your two favorites he says you. got it never do that. he was a hefty he looked like he had a. lot of food he had tried a lot you could. tell he had tried a lot of food he's fat. yeah i just said he looks like.

he just he looked like he had tried a. lot i'm just trying to visualize it was. he. fat he looked like a guy that had tried. a lot of food okay so anyway i said you. pick he picked okay my number bing 196. you get up and it is a pulled pork. sandwich and mac and cheese. and i was like nope i had a brisket. plate. and she goes no you didn't. and then i said. i mumbling i did. and i said so let me let's i'm the. waiter. no you uh you got a brisket plate.

oh is that because i definitely told him. i wanted uh no i wanted the brisket. plate it says right here on the receipt. pulled pork is that what it says on. there brisket plate oh what did i do i. mean it says sandwich. yeah. i read it wrong wait i thought you did. you just say that it's backwards oh it. is yeah pull perks out backwards says. mac and cheese. that's what it says okay because if you. do it upside down it says yeah so anyway. oh okay yeah. yeah it definitely doesn't [ __ ] say. that but let me go okay that's fine so i. went back to the bar and i said hey did. you perhaps put in this is what i.

wouldn't do you already took it to. another level i wanted brisket it. doesn't matter i wanted a bunch of. sandwiches no i don't want the sandwich. okay so i went back to the bar calmly. and i said hey brother was a comp huh. was a calm you be the bartender okay. oh is he puking no i'm just. what is it. i just i've eaten a lot oh you're. stuffed i'm just that's just my just. natural demeanor sorry. oh hey. hey brother. oh hey hey um remember when i was saying.

uh i i think i ordered the brisket plate. and i said you choose the fun sides um. but this is a pulled pork you said. choose. you said chews no i meant the sides yeah. i i read two. [Music]. okay so literally that's exactly what. happened exactly he thought i meant you. choose. and but i said can i have the brisket. plate you choose the sides yeah. he chose.

so of course he goes all right i'll put. it in for you and then i said could i. get the lean brisket there was two. choices here we go. we're out of lean brisket of course i. said no problem. [Laughter]. no problem. no problem. yeah so 25 minutes later i've had two dr. peppers yeah and i'm buzzing yeah you're. both cause i'm hungry and i'm on sugar. and i'm sure with the rage and dr pepper. the combination's not great oh the sugar. and the rice. so then. i get my number comes up by this point.

it's 486. uh 196 was the first one and i get the. plate and it's a brisket plate and it's. look regular brisket is fatty this was. all fat there was no meat there was this. much meat and it was fat globules on the. side yeah so i sat down but if you watch. the show alone. fat is fat probably that's great it is. but i didn't need it because i'm not. living in [ __ ] alaska without it oh. my god i forgot you're in dallas sorry. so then i ate whatever i could and i.

thought this is okay i'm gonna [ __ ] off. to the hotel i'm gonna jerk off and go. to bed yeah take a little nap before the. show. you know what andrew when i'm anywhere. the only. food delivery system that i use is. doordash is doordash because they have. the best options they do but i feel the. prompt they're the kindest did you. forget that one thing at the store. andrew i did. now you can get snacks drinks and. household essentials in 30 minutes with. doordash what dinner got it deodorant. got it morning pick me up from duncan. you can get all this stuff everything.

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opening for me and uh and raj says hey. buddy you're not gonna believe this and. i almost threw my phone can i guess or. no on the highway i almost threw it. right on the highway i'm not kidding he. missed his flight something about the. flight he's not there. no even crazier he was in houston last. night somebody stole his [ __ ] bag. with his car keys so he had all of his. [ __ ] in his travel bag someone stole it. so raj gets robbed and santino is ready. to jump off the [ __ ] freeway yeah.

cause i've got three hours to find. someone to [ __ ] open the show oh. yeah it was really fun so i'm calling. around i'm thinking hey who can who can. doesn't anybody know anybody does. anybody know anybody yeah and. everybody's like yeah but this guy's out. of town and this guy's here he's. headlining he's featuring for somebody. i'm scrambling and yeah raj can't get. back he goes i've got i've i've got us. i'm gonna have a locksmith come but by. the time i get there it'll be nine. o'clock you know what i do sometimes. though is like i always go because i've. done last minute like like bookings for. openers yeah and those well you know i. have this thing i gotta do so right and.

i just go how much are they paying you. i'll pay you more yeah did you do that. no no but with you the reason he was in. houston was because he was with um no. i'm just saying when you're calling. dallas the round comments oh oh dude i. offered anything i didn't care about the. money i was like i'll give you whatever. you need i need someone to come do the. show right okay i was like what the [ __ ]. i'll do anything but everyone was either. gone that could feature or it was like. host and i was like i need someone that. can feature do 30 minutes yes and so i. was like scrambling luckily raj came. through with a guy paul varghese who was. great so [ __ ] funny yeah but the show.

was. great the show was great but i had so. much stress that day that i feel like i. under. i didn't. you underperformed i just you know when. your mood is shifted and you're not. [ __ ] swinging in the defense that's. what that's the hard part of doing. stand-up because sometimes you do two. shows on the night you know we have to. do clubs yeah right and sometimes you. know especially the second show friday. night yeah it's just rowdier you're. tired everyone's drunk yeah and it's. like you know and you have and you don't. feel funny sometimes you know you have.

to perform and be funny when you're. you're not when you're when you've got. other stuff your head yeah so anyway i. did the show was overall it was great it. was a good success it was [ __ ] great. almost we came close it was really. really close we just missed out because. dallas didn't show up for daddy okay but. um. but anyway but it okay that was fine and. then i went home to the hotel and i. thought i just i got to get back we got. bad friends tomorrow i got to get back. to the house i want to get a good. night's sleep. i am in the middle of. a.

mexican stampede. party time excuse me i don't know what's. going on outside there's a i think the. alamo is down there now that was. you mean the no that's in san antonio i. think they moved it up to dallas they. can do that they were having a party. right and they i think they had saved. the alamo again because there were low. riders and gunshots and people yelling. and they were bumping music did you hear. this. until 2 45 in the morning so so you. couldn't sleep at all you didn't get any. sleep right try to jerk off couldn't why.

because i i i i i every time every time. i'd get close you know whatever i cannot. my two when i'm jerking off and there's. a random iii it just throws me off i. couldn't do it yeah yeah yeah i get. right there i'd go you know when you. hear your toes curl and i go yeah oh. yeah yeah. yeah i go great and then it would just. wet noodle out of my hand but you do but. what i do in that stream is i i always. immediately go to mexican porn i did.

i didn't get any [ __ ] sleep so the. next morning i'm going downstairs to get. a coffee to get to the airport and all i. want is a nice little cup of cappuccino. and i get my little cup of cappuccino. and my handle on my bag braves it breaks. right up. you swear to god it rips right off my. [ __ ] back i literally was like this. about i'm in a ben stiller movie i am. ben stiller in a ben stiller movie yeah. yeah what's on my handle my airpods. right yeah it's attached to the bag the. case so my airpods snap with that yeah.

right i spill coffee. everywhere. so i go buy another [ __ ] coffee i. apologize to everybody for spilling a. coffee on leather couch yeah yeah i sit. down i finish this new coffee yeah and. then i get in the [ __ ] car to go to. the airport. and as i look at my phone bing your. flight is delayed. oh as i'm in the [ __ ] uber right and. then i go god damn it. i just no this one's out loud. and the driver is like what's going.

wrong sir i'm like drive. so then i open up my [ __ ] airpod case. i heard a little accident from the. driver was a a specific right is. everything okay yeah he's just a white. dude. i mean. we're from fort worth. and i opened up my airpod case and. one. of two air pods is in there you [ __ ]. it so so when the bag fell oh my one of. the airpods popped out that right there. i would have killed myself oh i almost. choked out the driver yeah that right. there if you didn't have one of those. cameras recording me i would have.

with a shoelace. right so you know what you can do huh. right is you know you don't have to they. have those vending machines at the. airport the high-tech ones i looked for. it they didn't have one. dallas doesn't have a high-tech vending. machine not a terminal not at [ __ ]. gate 837 they had none of them right. because i got to tell you something and. it was delayed and i said can we go back. to the hotel real fast oh and because my. flight's delayed by an hour. so he goes uh okay he turns really. quickly we're only like four streets up. i go back to the hotel i look nothing.

it's nowhere to be found i i scoured i. couldn't find it i don't know i can't. imagine you're on your own are you in. your hands and hands and knees are you. sweating sweating. no mumbling no just out loud no no i'm. out loud. anybody find a [ __ ] headphone yeah. yeah everybody thinks i'm crazy so i. guess you know i've been funny if it was. already one of in your ear. i get back in the [ __ ] uber i get to. the [ __ ] airport i have one headphone. in i don't care it is what it is the. flight keeps getting [ __ ] delayed and.

at this point i hadn't really had. anything for to eat because i thought. well i'm just gonna get to the airport. i'll have something this is today yeah. yeah this is today so mcdonald's was the. only thing that was near me but. mcdonald's line was massive i just was. like [ __ ] this because it was the only. thing that was open yeah like when you. go to new york or like l.a mcdonald's is. pretty chill but when you go to dallas. maybe mcdonald's is busy it was a really. big i mean dude they were like in moscow. like they love it i dude yeah yeah i. felt i felt like pride when it comes. this was like kfc in china do you know. what i mean.

a thousand people on the line yeah yeah. and so anyway i sit down i think okay. i'm just gonna get on the flight they'll. have food on the plane i'll be fine. i get you this is it sounds fake i get. on the [ __ ] plane and a guy is. sitting in my seat. i hate it dude yeah i go i lit calmly go. i think you're uh you're in me i'm in. that uh did they ask you something i. mean may i ask someone yeah. you say calmly but because of the last. 12 hours no but i approached him well. are you sure you're the guy sit there. reading your ipad.

is this guy the same guy. i'm not that talented so you know okay i. have one or two characters so yeah try a. different one ah wow. neil brennan. there's a war in ukraine excuse me yes i. think you're in i think that's my seat. no. um well let's read this article. i think that's my seat look that's my. seat i think oh well can you just sit at. the oh.

is that what he said what do you say he. said this he goes his the guy in front. of him who looked sick or hung over or. something looked wrong with him he goes. oh do you mind. switching then yeah you don't do it you. don't listen to me okay you don't make. the assumption that the person so sit in. your regular seat when the guy comes. out and then you ask correct yeah i. don't like that i was pissed i was like. that's rude yeah so then i can't say no. otherwise i look like a bad guy you have. to say no and so i said yes so i sit and.

i sit in the seat because it's isle to. isle yeah so fine whatever it's one row. back whatever. i go and sit down and then sure enough a. young man gets on and goes uh that's my. seat and i was like. what ticket did you have i said. to the guy he goes oh it was the window. one i'm sorry and i was like. no problem no problem so i scoot over. all right and i think god just give me. some [ __ ] food and give me a diet. coke so i can just be happy can i may i. ask what airline is american okay so we.

know the food. it's no no you did we didn't have this. this is way worse than what you think. because the the food on the way there. was [ __ ] [ __ ] terrible it was i. said. it was a cold egg sandwich yeah this. gets even worse do you know why i booked. row earlier rows the higher in the rows. because i know they're going to run out. of the good [ __ ] by the time they get to. the back ah i never even think of that i. always do that yeah because we've done. that. i had the earlier row but now i'm in a. row back and guess what what's the cut.

off so when this. when this woman. when this woman gets to me yeah she. literally says would you like lunch i. said yes what are the options yeah and. she said we only have one left and i was. like is it fruit what's the one you have. left yeah and she said shrimp salad and. i was like. [Laughter]. who the [ __ ] was a shrimp salad gross. shrimp salad i wouldn't even eat shrimp. salad in the nicest restaurant in the. world sure i go it's so gross the. combination ramp salad yeah she goes.

yeah they took all the others the other. salads are gone and i wanted to [ __ ]. murder the guy that i had to switch. seats with may i ask you something um. i ate [ __ ] peanuts that's what i. [ __ ] like all right i had peanuts up. until 5 p.m. can you not take the shrimps off of the. salad oh no what happens oh no no no. it's cut up and mixed in. it's mixed in i guess shrimp is a wet. thing it seeps into the. dear american airlines who the [ __ ]. wants shrimp on a [ __ ] airplane well.

if you look at the pamphlet there's. always the chef that has photo yeah well. let's call that [ __ ] [ __ ] so then. this is this is one more beat to this. whole scenario okay one more beat yeah. so i'm like no thank you that's it's. it's fine. i don't i'll just take the peanuts and. my in a diet coke okay yeah. never got a diet coke. didn't get a diet literally didn't get a. diet coke no big deal i just i just. can't ask you okay uh at this point yeah. i've had enough okay okay i've had a. [ __ ] nuff yeah. the worst part of all this is.

here we are. sorry this is backed up before the. shrimp we're about to take off yeah and. i'm on my ipad i'm watching my good. friend our good friend tony hawk's new. documentary yes which i texted him and i. was like tony this is amazing yeah and. he was like thank you it is have you. seen it till the wheels fall off no [ __ ]. it's so good okay it's so good so i. texted tony really great i'm watching my. live room i said i did watch it though. it's already out you're we already know. you didn't watch it yeah unless you. watch it by the time this comes out no. but i saw him last week and then oh you. lied yeah i lied in front of him i'm.

going to tell him that you lied i'm. going to text him and tell him that you. look like he'll do that i'm about to. when the show's over this is already. going to be out yeah and i'm going to. text them anyway. okay okay. so then. so then i said. um so then i'm watching the documentary. i'm enthralled and i've only got one. headphone in yeah. and and the. the the flight attendant who is. a thousand years old okay comes creeping. down and goes excuse me. please detach the ipad from the keyboard. and i. i even took this one out.

so i could hear how [ __ ] insane this. was wait let me ask you something okay. so you have an ipad and you have a. keyboard attached to it yeah so so ipads. come with like a nice a flip stand it's. awesome it's like a ghost stand that. like makes it hover and the keyboard is. a lot easier than typing on the ipad i. see so it makes it so why. is it illegal to have that. okay. so she says can you detach the ipad from. the keyboard and i said uh. i can what do you mean i was like we we. can use ipads right and she goes you can.

keep watching on the ipad i need the. keyboard detached from the ipad for. takeoff yeah and i turn to the man next. to me and he literally goes like this. what the [ __ ] i've never heard of that i. fly for a living i'm on a plane. constantly yeah never never heard of. that never yeah so i say. okay but can i ask why i've literally. never heard of that and she goes i'll. tell you why because meanwhile the. announcements are going on so i detach. the [ __ ] thing yeah and i stuff it in. the [ __ ] thing and i sit there with. the [ __ ] ipad and i'm just watching.

away like what could it be she comes. back to me two three minutes later when. the announcement is done and she says. i'm not kidding you can't make this up. she goes. i'll tell you why because during. 9 11 she literally said she looked. around and goes during 9 11 yeah the. guys were communicating on a keyboard uh. on a keyboard computer um before it's. actually in our handbook yeah and i said. no one has ever in a million [ __ ]. years she said this to me and she goes. well then those flight attendants are.

not doing their job so. thank you. by the way. lady if you think the terrorists were. communicating via ipad keyboard and. that's how they crack the case on. america they weren't there let me just. say something. there were no ipads in 2000 2001. yeah. what the [ __ ] are we talking about what. are you talking about so i just accepted. it i took the lumps it didn't matter. yeah i got home i landed i took my. [ __ ] stupid uber back to the [ __ ]. house and sat in easter traffic wanting.

to kill myself and i just got here about. an hour after i got to my house so. really good to see. everybody here really good to see you. and that was we were a little late so. did that make you angry. it was fine let me ask to tell you. something okay i've been on flights. before this is a little lesson to you. right yeah this has literally happened. where i've sat down and a mother's come. to me hi so me and my daughter. right couldn't get so can we sit there. so we can set because you're and i this. no.

no. absolutely not but see this do you even. ask where the seats are do you go well. where's your seat i don't care it's. enough i'm. because something might happen like the. [ __ ] shrimp like what do you think. yeah yeah. i don't want a shrimp fiasco right so i. say no yeah and i'm not being rude not. again you're right it's not as if the. daughter's on a different flight and if. we're going to go down i'll hold her. hand right here i'll go it's all right. sweetie. now they say you know in case the oxygen.

masks come down right put it on your. face first and it didn't help. they have to put it on the kid not me no. i put it on the kid foot first while my. head explodes. so that's who i am right that's nice but. we're not switching scenes. i i i assure you lady we're not okay. yeah yeah well no i i don't exactly. always say no but i respect that you're. right yeah but i i have done this a. thousand times on planes yeah because i. travel alone someone goes my brother my. daughter my boyfriend my girlfriend my.

husband my wife can i ju will you ju and. i always go yeah where's where is your. seat yeah and then when they go it's. there and i have done i've gone i'd. prefer to sit in the aisle i'm sorry. yeah you know what it is it's like. because it's their [ __ ] seat it's. also their fault it's so uncommon you're. trying to make us uncomfortable baby. yeah when did you book the flight yeah. yeah yeah who did this for you yeah why. did you put you there and you there i i. don't want to be hacking but can we even. go back to now the rules right what do. you mean in terms of like how about this.

the window thing has to be up when you. take why why yeah well i want it down so. when it catches on fire i can see yeah i. want to see the engine go. i want to see it fly up yeah yeah number. two right the trade table has to be in. the upright position why. why why does the seat need to be not it. can't be back why why why. if the plane crashes i'll put out if the. plane crashes i'll put my seat back up. once we've crashed right and i'll get. off the plane exactly yeah or or my arms.

and my legs will be inside some other. guy's face. and it won't [ __ ] matter it doesn't. matter yeah the rules in that [ __ ]. thing it's absolute [ __ ] yeah this. is my favorite part detach the keyboard. my phone i was texting on my phone yeah. by the way the keyboard that's detached. from the ipad the ipad still has a. [ __ ] keyboard yeah on it yeah it's a. keyboard yeah the whole thing is a. [ __ ] keyboard it's touch screen. one time i was on a flight all right it. the the seatbelt sign was on right and i. had to go to the bathroom right there. was a little turbo turbo turbulence a.

little bit of turbo right and i unh i. stand up and the flight attendant is. like excuse me sir right you're not. supposed to be sitting and i said. you're standing. what are you balanced queen. were you a gymnast yeah did you go to. balance school give a lot of [ __ ] you. know abilities you do if we were on a. lake on that log thing i would win you. would. win the running yeah you sit down you. sit down yeah yeah i hate it no i don't. like that i don't like it well also you. know i heard a guy one time say a woman.

goes sir you have to be seated he goes. it's not a law i can go to the bathroom. if i want it you know it's not a law. it's not a law not a law i'm going to. write that down it's not. tell me what the laws are i want to know. i want to know because you know what i. did on this planet yeah yeah and i do. this on every flight and i've said it. once i've said it i've said it on my. podcast i've said it on this podcast. and the truth is the truth of the truth. i'm six foot one the bathrooms are. always very tiny exactly the toilets are. kind of hard to get to yeah i pee in the. sink. what. hello tushie.

i love going to the bathroom here at our. studio because we have a hello tushie. lined up in our toilet it makes my butt. butt. makes your butt hole the hole yeah the. hole very very clean the cheeks are the. cheeks don't get touched but i gotta. tell you something 2022 don't just make. a commit to wash your hands every time. you poop go the extra mile and wash your. butt let's talk about the gift that. keeps on giving the hello tushy bidet. cleans your butt way better than wiping. cut your toilet paper use down by 80. saves trees and thousands of gallons of. water used to convert them into toilet.

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yeah some troubles we've all had and i. use better help and i love online. therapy and i love this service people. don't always realize that physical. symptoms like headaches teeth grinding. and even digestive issues can be. indicators of stress and let's not. forget about doom scrolling sleeping. with too little sleeping too much and. under eating and overeating this podcast. is sponsored by betterhelp and i got to. tell you we've talked about them before. we like them we've used them i think. it's great if you're into getting help. traditional offline therapy can be very. expensive.

that's the good thing about this you do. this from the comfort of your own home. they have video chat sessions you don't. have to have the camera on if you're. like i don't want them to see what i. look like i just want to talk to. somebody you can do that it's much more. affordable also than in-person therapy. give it a try and see if online therapy. can help you lower your stress what. about you jules. better help is customize online therapy. that offers video phone and even live. chat session with your therapist so you. don't have to see anyone on camera if. you don't want to that's right this. podcast is sponsored by betterhelp and. our bad friends listeners who are going. to get 10 off their first month at.

betterhelp.com bad friends that's. b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p-com. bad friends. i p i peed on this flight sink and you. know what it was particularly because of. the shrimp salad. i wasn't gonna do it yeah i was gonna be. in the regular toilet but then i thought. no i literally i literally was i whipped. out my dinger and i and i had the toilet. seat up and i just looked at the sink. and i said shrimp salad. and i turned my piss around i pissed. right in there i endorse that.

right can i just say something else i. love. bathrooms in human homes not the airport. airplane right have the same suction as. the [ __ ] toilets on the yes i need. that i want that too right what is that. technology i don't know yeah it's like. the devil is like give me the [ __ ] yeah. yeah it's the best technology it's. amazing yeah yeah you know what actually. uh when i when i get up get like my. forever home or my dream home yeah you. know what i do want eric andre has. urinals in his house he has urinals and.

i was like i've never seen that i want a. [ __ ] i want a urinal i want you could. put one in your house i don't have any. [ __ ] room yeah yeah yeah i have a. small house no but your bath that front. bathroom you could put a urine on there. i could probably i think you should. quick tip though your sink is just like. a urinal at home. i know but you know what my no no my. sink angle isn't as nice the reason i. use airplane sinks is because at six one. the sink is right right literally my. balls yeah are hovering right above the. sink wow it's perfect it's almost like. they designed it it's like a guy took. out a measure he's like that'll be his.

nuts will be right which means that you. can see your own nutsack through the. mirror yep that's strange well and i and. i swing them and i swing them back and. forth yeah even i can tell they're. nervous yeah like right as they they. brush the metal they're like whoa whoa. whoa. it'll be cold yeah and they don't want. to have to climb up the rope yeah so i. let them hang right above it. no and you know what even though the. whole the fro dallas was awesome i loved. it the show was great i had a great time. aside from all the other [ __ ] i do. [ __ ] love dallas. the show was great.

i was just in my head because you want. to i want to be a pr have a perfect show. and uh it makes it all better to know. that we're here with my bad friend's. family let me ask you this question um. the weekend in general because friday. was magical friday was saturday was a. disaster no it it the the comedy part. was amazing stand-up was good but all. the elements around it were so would you. like out from one to ten your weekend. what is it. friday eleven no just all you can all of. it the whole weekend. oh right oh friday was at eleven okay.

yeah and saturday was a what saturday. was a day. it was a three it was it was like a four. and a half four five yeah so the whole. week and you would say generally it was. a seven weekend eight i'll give it an. eight because because friday was so. magical again yeah no it was good yeah. did you have a good time yeah i had to. tell us about your experience rudy. um. i really had a good time with the. scooter but i was while riding it i. thought that i was gonna die and hit hit. a car and then my head would. just fall off fall off she was she was.

going so [ __ ] slow she oh yeah. scared they go up to 20 miles an hour. maybe yeah it says it on the little. screen i was going um nine nine nine. nine nine nine so we would have to keep. stopping and here's what's funny about. those scooters of people that know if. you stop for too long or go too slow. they lock because they think you're. gonna park it right so her's [ __ ]. locked yeah and that's why but we were. like just go meanwhile bobby was on x. games jumping in and out of the middle. of the street i love it you did you did. get to a little close to getting in car.

trouble yeah yeah oh dude. so when i so after friday night. so after friday i didn't tell anybody. where did you guys go by the way after. so we had pizza again you had pizza. again yeah yeah and then you went back. to the hotel so it was me adam eggett. and trevor wallace yeah we decided to go. eat pizza right and it's pretty far from. my hotel so guess what i do. scoot scoot. zoom zoom right. uh spent yeah. thousand dollars on bird scooters. probably yeah. and i wiped out. you fell.

real bad. yes because i was i had my map quest. thing on because i didn't know the hotel. room mapquest what is this 04. google maps right i'm at google maps. right and. it's dark but there's a little light. from the bird right from the scooter. yeah it does have a little shine right. and i hit a curb. it flipped. i slid on my stomach like this like i i. went like five feet. right. but it's like nothing happened but it.

wasn't bad no but i got like a little. like the wind knocked out of me yeah a. little kind of cuss. right and people saw me started laughing. oh yeah. and then uh did anybody recognize you. yeah somebody drove by and goes nosotros. papaya i don't know what that means. that's a little slogan from tiger belt. you know what it means and i um. it went really slow after that you went. down. because i was like yeah i didn't want to. do that you could really hurt yourself. so rudy give the assessment of how you. did on stage you think because because.

we'll tell you something after the show. you were back in the dress dress. she was like scared here in the. headlights i mean after the show i. immediately fell asleep because i was so. tired. this is funny comics will talk about. this this is why a lot of comics use. drugs or drinking and everything people. want to know about like because you come. down so hard people want to get lifted. up again so that's why sometimes comics. will go out to eat or go drink drink or. go to do drugs or go party because you. want to feel up again because you drain. all your adrenaline all your endorphins.

are gone you passed out like that. that's good that that means you did that. means you had your you were elevated and. you delivered. yeah you delivered dude the crowd was. [ __ ] so when you first went out there. how did it feel. i would i was like really scared but. then when i saw the crowd and then they. cheered i kind of. it was good see it's going to her head a. little bit that's why i told her she has. to get a job. what are we going to do to get what job. are you going to get. like in campus like maybe a waiter no.

we got to get you a real job i can't. work outside i know a guy that works for. the city yeah under the table i know a. guy that works for the city that paints. you know the paints uh new lines on the. streets yeah yeah and they need somebody. you can paint street lines. yeah you can hold a big paint gun i'll. try yeah yeah yeah okay well but i i. could because she had the twinkle in her. eye. yeah she could feel it yeah yeah she was. just like i like this and it scared me. because it's like she's only 20 years. old right yeah you know now she's like. you know.

it was 1700 seats 1800 seats sold out it. was totally sold out yeah it was amazing. full of energy they cheered for you and. in my in my head because i feel like. i'm kind of a parent and you know you. are that you're you know we're aware and. i just kind of go. you know she needs to get a regular job. to know how your right life is to level. it out to level it up because i got to. tell you something after the show i said. you walked out to go find adam and she. was in the bathroom smoking a cigarette. and she was on the phone and i go right.

right rudy what are you doing she goes. i'm on the phone with my agent. yeah and then she put out the cigarette. right like on the counter and i go rudy. and she goes someone will clean it up. don't worry [ __ ] and then she walked. away right and she's getting a little. too yeah a little hollywood for me even. for me. you know yeah it's like when we get an. uber she's like no exile that she. literally yeah yeah you always say that. no. yes you do yeah we're paying for it you. never pay she i don't pay she literally. goes yeah it's premium or black. she goes i don't i won't somebody go.

should i just get an uber she goes if. you're getting a regular uber i'll walk. yeah that's how [ __ ] restaurants you. know what she does now it's like we'll. be at a restaurant like a steak house. yeah and she'll just go tomahawk. like the most the most expensive. tomahawk i don't even know that word oh. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] liars [ __ ]. right i don't like you pr tomahawk the. whole thing she did she ordered the most. expensive stuff at the mexican right. right and she wanted. so a guy in the thing right there was a. short muscly guy what was his name his.

body was muscle. he was strong he was strong but very. very handsome and low to the earth very. short could have been. he was semi dwarf he yeah. semi. he had to hit a little bit he had a. little person vibe a little bit of. little lp in him yeah little tiny lps he. was cute yeah he was cute yeah then why. did you give him the false a false you. gave him a fake number yeah you did why. because you were like you really don't. want to hang out with him no so what he. said was he said rudy will you go out. with me and then we made fun of him and. then rudy was like he is cute and then.

so he came up and we said well okay let. him shoot a shot i guess he was 29 yeah. and we were like. little little well whatever. okay. you're 20 you can do whatever you want. so then he comes up and then he you said. he says well let me get the digits seal. the deal that's what brian simpson says. seal the deal and we both saw you were. giving him [ __ ] yeah i looked over i. go it's not like 917. you're not you're. working in new york. yeah so because you didn't want anything. to do with it no good i mean good you. did it the right way you politely were.

like here's my number but obviously it's. not my number go sit down but he was i. thought he was cute i thought he was the. only height for you. um he seemed like a nice guy. right. so what see you're you really aim high. huh what do you mean in terms of looks. no i just. that's what you want higher. well explain yourself why did you not. want to hang out with that guy because. you did say he was cute. maybe. he could have been a bit taller uh he. was too short um already i knew that's. what it was you gotta get a job yeah. we've gotta get him.

preference yeah but that's cute you know. you you'll do some you do some. dishwashing in the kitchen or something. you won't mind a little bit you'll give. me the right number yeah you'll give. them the right number just because just. in case and then and then rudy why don't. you tell when you got dr drew on stage. our good friend dr drew who we love and. he got on stage what did you say to dr. drew hi. i apologize for bobbing but you're very. hot. [Applause].

that's it yeah that's it that's it. he's so hot she literally. doctor's wife was seven feet away and. she's like right in the front row she's. right there in the front row we see her. and jules looks at and says you are so. hot hi drew you're so high yeah also can. i just say something about your. performance friday night okay how about. my about my performance. yeah. i told you oh franti tell them what hap. fancy opened the show he opens the show. and i told him do not say that i'm going.

to be performing after trevor wallace it. would have been better if he i told him. i go just say here's the next comic yeah. and then say my name so there's more of. a surprise but he says that we're all. going to do stand-up before right. no i did and yes you did yeah if you. look you'll you did yeah you did yeah. i was nervous yeah i know you were very. you were very nice we have to write him. jokes yeah with the random jokes because. he gets out there and he was like hey. everybody and everybody cheers and he. goes hey everybody. twice i was like you don't you could say.

hi once yeah yeah and then they got a. weird sweat that develops on his upper. lip it was trembling yeah yeah yeah his. lip was trembling with it and the lips. were extra moist yes so wet yes so wet. for no reason at all yeah yeah hey. everybody hey everybody. and at that point people were concerned. he had a stroke someone was like okay do. you smell toast yeah yeah i got nervous. for you because he did we said to fans. and by the way this is a lesson to. people out there that think that stand. up and all that [ __ ] and public. performance is easy he was supposed to.

do two [ __ ] minutes he was up there. for 58 seconds 58 seconds yes probably. 50 i timed it. 12 of that were like cheers and hooping. and hollering yeah yeah and he did. another [ __ ] 40 some odd seconds and. then immediately was like he said three. things hey everybody hey everybody. trevor trevor wallace everybody. hey austin how are you guys. [Music].

thank you. wow. i always get really intimidated in front. of you guys but thank you for the love. um. [Applause]. so as you might know i just became an. american citizen thank you. so i can't think of a better place to. celebrate that than texas. but we just came from dinner to a place. that says no guns what the [ __ ].

that's the whole point. the only thing i wanted to. do when i you know. got my citizenship was getting a gun so. now. anyway. but yeah we have a great show for you. tonight uh. yeah. my favorite comedians will be here in a. second but. before that. we have a special surprise. yep. and no it's not a little black magic.

better. one of bobby's favorite comedians. he's such a such a funny guy and he's. gonna come here to do a little bit of. his stand up with us. you guys might know him from tiger belly. and his own podcast uh. hey welcome trevor wallace. but could i see another thing that was. like. really strange and i think he might be.

yeah brown magic. who. andreas oh why because remember he was. on the floor right because we did a. questions and answers thing yes and then. we answered someone's questions and then. the next thing you know he was up in the. balcony he was he was so sneaky we had. one guy you get up there so fast he had. one guy say hey when are you guys gonna. make the bottoms of turtle island and. within seconds he goes we have another. question up here and we look up and. fancy's in the balcony with two women. yeah and okay two women by the way that. wanted to take you out right they wanted.

to take the way they asked me was like. kind of like scary what do you mean like. why they they. they sound like they were really drunk. they were high they were high very yeah. what's the problem. you don't because you're you're the one. that you were like i you might be bi. right. yeah did you say that. that you. there's some curiosity yeah yeah right. and here's another thing that i want to. say about you which was rude what you. did andreas right. just hear me out okay i'm ready for it. so you you said somebody asked why that.

question right when are you going to. make the bottom of the turtle island. that's right they said what are you. going to make what was uh andreas's. response what was your response fancy. [ __ ] you. working. don't answer it fancy did he just say. [ __ ] you to that guy yeah i'm working on. it i'm working on it he's working on it. but yeah wow he's been a citizen for one. month. like a real american yeah. he said [ __ ] you. not just [ __ ] you [ __ ] you. yeah you [ __ ] that guy right off. what is so wrong with that that question.

didn't deserve an answer yeah why did. you say [ __ ] you to that guy. i'm working on it. why couldn't you've said that yeah. should i say something in front of all. these people i'm going to right i'm. going to take the risk right right so. he's nervous all right so what are you. guys going to make about [ __ ] you. [Laughter]. it was so mean so mean and it was very.

unlike you that's my whole thing with. this he's becoming an he's a new. american you know he bought a gun while. we were down in austin because he wanted. a gun in texas yeah and he stayed he. goes i'm going to say strapped up. forever now and i said you have to you. can't bring that and everywhere in l.a. but he brought it to every restaurant he. brought a gun into suarte and they told. him to sit outside yeah he even took a. picture of the sign that said no guns be. cool right yes yes because he wanted to. bring his strapped up gun in there how. did you feel about the uh that night. um i think it was great except for my.

performance your performance was good we. just have to get you tuned up if we do a. bad friend's tour next year we just. gotta you know what i think i want to do. it. do you seriously yeah because i think. that that proved to me we can do it we. can do it i think that we've if we mix. in like we did friday night we did some. stand-up yep to let people know that hey. we can get laughs yeah just like anyone. else we're at a comedy festival because. we want to show that muscle right yeah. and then one then when you sit down you. know it's already we got the laps out of.

the way and now we can you know do a. podcast which is some of it isn't always. funny sometimes you get into personal. things well we did with dr drew for sure. yeah yeah so i thought that was a really. good mix i thought it was wonderful so. we will we'll plan a little tour and. we're going to be on a bus you want to. do it on a bus. yeah have you ever been on one of those. tour buses no where you sleep in the. bunks. um where do you shower there's a shower. built into it the shower built into. there or we stop and we get a hotel in. places too so we can have a room to. shower and we can do both okay like some.

places will sleep in the bus some like. when you're on the road sometimes when. you're on the road you have to. um drive at night. so we'll sleep who's driving. oh that's a good question the driver. [Laughter]. yeah yeah you need a guy that's [ __ ]. suited up on uppers little skinner do. you want to have the liner skinner no. oh we're gonna do a bad friends tour. probably maybe next year next year we'll.

do it this year we obviously can't. because i got to go back and shoot dave. at the end of the [ __ ] year which is. so far away already but it's going to. end the year for me. yeah i i yeah 2020 we'll definitely do. it we'll do it that's why i want her to. get a job this summer. so that next summer when we do the tour. yeah right that you could we'll let you. do that that's the goal that's the goal. i think is to get you a job that we want. you to do not that you want to do. because if she picks a job she wants to. do it's going to be too easy no i want. her a a like a hard job what do you. think we should like what do you. genuinely think we should get her to do.

i'll be honest with you like morning. shift at a barista oh i'm a busy coffee. shop nightmare is a nightmare it's a. [ __ ] nightmare. you've never worked at all no oh my god. she's going to collect wait tables at a. really biz it's got to be because. breakfast is so hard right this is a. slammed restaurant and everyone is busy. you're tired and they have somewhere to. be and you're [ __ ] exhausted and you. don't want to be there and you have a. section that you have 12 tables right. and you have to memorize what everyone. has you're constantly looking at your. paper people complaining where's my.

ketchup can you fight customers yes yes. you could physically fight them yes yeah. yeah that is part of the that's part of. the server handbook it does say if they. cross a line with you and your lines are. your lines you're allowed to physically. attack them yeah but you're only allowed. two attacks a day so you got to kind of. pick and choose which tables you feel. like physically well you can't i'll be. honest with you like my brother i've. gotten uh two. two jobs. and adam you can just remind because. we're at pizza saturday night or friday. night and he goes.

remember your brother at tempe. oh he at the tempe improv yeah because i. bought so i got banned from the tempe. improv congrats and so my brother and. you got banned from cap city we just. told you right right so i got banned. from both clubs right but tempe because. of my [ __ ]. and then meanwhile in austin you showed. your [ __ ] that's true yeah so but it. was a theater you can't get banned from. this yeah so my bad so then um but my. brother um got fired from tempe so i. begged them because my brother going asu. yeah and i go you know i'm a comic you.

know they i know the guy. days later. the guy calls me and he goes i had to. fire brother i go why because he tried. to stab a waitress or threaten to stab. mm-hmm right big difference between. threatened and tried he didn't try but. he goes i will stab you [ __ ] or. something like that well what did she. say she goes you're actually complaining. to the management no how did he get the. stat wanting to stab her it wasn't like. because you roll silver i think his. thumb was in um. like a sandwich oh well that's yeah yeah.

yeah. yeah i get it but like dug in probably. yeah and she's like yeah [ __ ] you and. he's like i'll stab you yeah like if he. committed a murderer they would. definitely get that print you know. yeah and then the second time he got. fired was sushi dance. i love sushi right so i got my job there. dan calls me he goes um i had to follow. your brother. and i go why and he goes he threw sushi. at the sushi chef. well why because he because he yelled at. my brother and my brother snapped and. threw a [ __ ]. yellow tail how funny would it be while.

he's cutting he caught he's like oh. not betty hannah but. all right we're getting you a job and. we'll take suggestions by the way oh. there's there's bob showing uh yeah yeah. showing the star and that's. right there fancy got so [ __ ] nervous. that you were gonna open your butthole i. know. he was free dude he's panicking i mean. look at his hair how sweaty it looks. like he jumped out of a pool. he was so nervous because he was like. please don't show your butthole bob yeah. so we're gonna pick we're gonna pick.

the job okay but but bob let's take. suggestions from fans you guys in the. comments you should comment about what. you guys want rudy to do. uh what job you want her to do because. we want to i i think we should do that. don't you think we should take. suggestions at least yeah and then we'll. take a final poll and whittle it down. yeah does that sound good yeah. all right well listen we love you we're. gonna do a bad friends tour thank you. for everybody that came out to austin. thanks for everyone that came out in. dallas yeah uh we appreciate you guys so. much uh bob is heading off to oklahoma. to go i'll be there for 12 days shooting.

the second season of reservation dogs. which is a great show and if you haven't. seen it please watch reservation dogs on. fx why are you laughing i'm being. serious okay i've seen i watched the. show yeah it was good okay those twins. are [ __ ] really good they're really. good they're very very talented. um anyway go ahead rudy. thank you for being a bad friend. [Music]. you good night baby. [Applause]. [Music]. [Applause].

[Music]. well do you ever feel like that as a. comedian do you ever feel or a performer. do you ever feel why me sometimes. what do you mean i mean in the rate of. success like do you ever think well why. why me. why was i chosen. you know is this here i'm being serious. i i think the serious answer to that. without any jokes is is that.

i feel like when i started i knew. i was gonna make a living no but not. making i'm not trying to make a living. i'm talking become what you become which. is extremely successful i i honestly um. this is the honest truth i feel like i'm. mid-level. bobby. you how many people that would be so. angry at you for saying that that are so. you you yeah because they're not. mid-level they're bottom level. they're angry because they're about but. there's a higher level so why can't i be.

mid-level but there is no high level. because even people at high level go. well i'm not up here and then those. people well i'm not up here so i'm. saying there is either you're successful. or you haven't been making a living at. it yet yeah and you're very successful. so i'm saying do you ever think beyond. your ability because you're extremely. talented i'm saying do you ever think. was i chosen was i picked was this like. part of a. a destiny thing. well i i i. i'm being jealous i'm being genuinely. genuine too i believe. everything.

and this is going to sound so cheesy so. what. i believe and i we i talked to her about. this about spirituality and and stuff i. say. i said to her i go i just honestly. believe that everything in my past was. meant to happen to lead up to this. moment right so i believe that. everything i've learned lessons you know. and there's choices that you make i mean. you know when you're like when i was. went to rehab before i'm the one that. went. you know i have to make a choice here. i'm going to go like you make i could. have not gone right i don't know what.

would have happened after that right but. i've made the right choices at the right. times and i believe that. instinctually there are parts of me that. are connected to something outside of. myself. [Music]. oh.