Open Chucanos & Closed Chichitos & Live Pekitos | Ep 118 ft. Fahim Anwar | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these. two idiots. why dude i'm an asian dude. you two are disgusting. well you two or something we're bad. friends. can i let me ask you something how does. only fans work because i i know what it. is well i'll show how it works what. happens is you can put almost anything. on there it doesn't have to be nudity. anymore it can be. you can be you can do anything there's. people on there that are making. like tens of thousands of dollars a. month and all they're doing is showing. feet. wow.

we don't even have to show nudity no no. butthole no nothing and we can still. make a bunch of money can i show the. cracks on my feet because i have fungi. on it yes i think that's a subcategory. maybe growth like a girl i can do a. growth thing every day yes yeah i mean. yes update do you think people like that. do you think people would like our only. fans yeah see we see selling feed picks. making 200 a day would make way more. than that so in terms of women what do. women show on only fans some of them. show um just sexy lingerie some of them. show them changing into like. um. stuff that they bought like sexy stuff.

some of them are showing their chocha. and they're and they're in there. some of them show their channel is is it. porn is there sex i don't know is it is. there yes yes there's four so there's. so i can go on only fans and let's. suppose like you know mrs bryngardner. mrs baumgardner bomb garner yes bomb. gardener down the street has it only. fans yeah and you know she makes love to. ted bomb goner right and they make love. i can pay for that and watch them make. love yeah.

at a premium level you can watch you can. watch these people either some people. not everybody has sexy stuff on there. some people just do regular there's like. now they wanted to get into gaming they. want comics on there only fans wants can. you set the prices so let's this yeah. hypothetically. if you and i want to do only fans right. mm-hmm and we wanted to really do anal. intercourse. okay. if we wanted to do. i would never do this by the way when. you say weed you mean if you wanted to. do it you and i did it yeah if we did it. together but only you wanted to do it.

and i was just doing it to support you. because i'm your good friend that would. probably be the case that's definitely. the case i'd have to convince you to do. it but once they convinced you to do it. would you do it yeah but. what would we set the price at. eight. million. eight or ten bucks maybe like something. yeah. but what i'm saying is that and then. once we did it. why can't can somebody screenshot or. download the video and then put it on. youtube so i think they're working on. security measures to make it so you. can't steal that stuff but i think as of.

right now it's very stealable i think. people do steal stuff and put it up on. the internet but they're working on. privacy now look their whole thing was. they were going to get rid of porn do. you not remember this they were they. were they were going to say they put out. there was a thing where they were like. we're going to stop doing porn people. freaked out because so much of their. revenue is from porn yeah so they're. like sorry sorry we didn't mean it we. didn't mean it it'd be like playboy. being like we're not going to show boobs. anymore people like that's not real. that's all you are yeah but now people. are making a really good living and some. of them aren't even showing much so you.

we don't like you don't have to show. your kotano and your chuchichu yeah you. don't have to show your chuchichu if you. don't want to but you make more money if. you sure. right let me ask you something about. this. is i always thought that when you know. because penthouse and hustler yeah. yeah they do right well no. yeah and some of them show open. chachitos i love open yeah a little bit. when it's closed it's fine right but you. know it's like going to a 7-eleven if. it's closed like what i know you drove. by it's like i know slurpees are in. there.

i want some i want something all right. so yeah they're still fine fine but i. would rather have it open i want it open. right so the chichito right. you would think that one once those. magazines came out it would have closed. down playboy yeah because playboy. doesn't show open jiu-jitsu actually. playboy only shows the exterior of the. chuchito this is. a vagina that's right yeah. that's right that's right that's right. yeah but playboy only shows like the. cusp it only shows the ridge the ridge. of the chichito yeah and if any if any.

if there's any it's like showing the. floor design of a 7-eleven that's right. pretty much that's right you're seeing. yeah you're seeing the exterior from. exterior you get to look at the interior. from the exterior but you don't really. see inside inside what are they selling. in there and if there's any products. hanging out of the chichito right like. anything falling out of the door a. little bit right like what they tuck it. in they tuck it back in they tuck it. right back in like you mean an indian. man that works. if it's falling out they yeah they suck. it back in yeah so because they want to. clean ridge but hustler and penthouse. were like.

open chuchito all the way out the way. you did the sound effects right not a. lot of who comes out on that poo does. come out. okay. if you're cramming and jamming and stuff. and sometimes. it falls out yeah look at that blac. chyna earns 20 million a month a month a. month a month on [ __ ] only bellathorn. 11 million a month cardi b nine million. a month tiger whoa tiger tiger show tyga. is showing his he's uh he's showing his. pequito yeah his paquito is live on. there i've heard that you can see. tiger's paquito.

yeah and mia khalifa. six million six million a year not a. month a year a month no dude monthly. earnings month yeah i know. buddy. we're in the wrong game dude 100 that's. [ __ ] okay we got to show our open. chatroom. yes i do yeah yeah what is a butthole a. chicano chicano yeah. and you're filming it yeah. why me who else is going to do it these.

guys are busy working yeah i don't want. to see you guys [ __ ] let me tell you. something listen. listen you don't have to look right look. at the monitor right. just see if the camera is in the right. position and then look away how hard. would it be not to laugh for her though. the whole time. the moment the moment she sees. the moment she sees you you'll laugh so. are there either of our buttholes right. and then the pain. the initial entrance of the pain in my. face you would laugh so hard so funny.

and then we would be laughing because. like dude it's too you're going in too. rough when you know me yeah yeah yeah. i mean. no way put spit in it. yeah yeah no dry is a bone that's like. you. took that that link i sent you the video. that woman from youtube yeah i posted. this the other day not that one the. other one the other one we'll get to. that one the this one bro. this somehow went viral on the internet. yeah again. uh. this woman there's a show called uh. what's it called a celebrity super spa.

and these women think they're going in. to wax a woman yeah but you don't get to. see it but this is her reaction when she. sees a man's butthole a man's bottle for. the first time okay this would be rudy. if she walked in on you and me okay here. we go the other side of this door i'm. expecting to see a big burly man or a. handsome young man. who cares. as long as he's a man yes. are they english.

hello hi guys. come in. dude stop stop push possibly i think she. was expecting to see a man and she got a. woman that fires a woman's butthole. she's fired no but keep going this is. the best part she she she's got the. giggles remember in school when you. couldn't stop laughing. i love when you tried to hold it. together if i was the man laquisha get. in here. here you go she tries.

[Laughter]. give her a second hold it together you. got this. you've got this come on. [Laughter]. no they can't show it this but this was. years ago i don't even know what it was. it was on this this reality show. obviously yeah from there but that would. be you and you know what the next one i. sent you that this would be the next.

version of this a tick tock girl got her. vibrator stuck in her butt look at that. look at the x-ray oh wow that's you by. the way dude how much stuff i would. stick in your butt what do you mean i. would not let it i would put it so far. up it couldn't come back i'm going to. say something right now uh-huh it's not. a [ __ ] warehouse yes down yes it is. that's an amazon word. my butthole doc is in there is so tight. yes dude. my poop looks like angel hair pasta. yeah it's so. [ __ ]. tight you said it was loose yeah it's.

loose okay it's. okay angel hair pasta all right listen. mine's ravioli. yay it's listen all butthole in the. entrance is very very tight yeah okay. when you get deep it becomes there's. more space it widens out it why it's. like a face it's like a little base. right so but initially to get it into. the doorway you're not going to be able. to get a bunch of stuff in the doorway. unless you open the doorway that's right. right if you do some carpentry work.

right right. and then there's blood a little. massaging yeah this oh you think. massaging is the only thing i'm going to. massage it right open so it starts like. this and then. no i feel like there's scissors. oh i've got it yeah i click. clip and i'm like dude that hurts yeah. well. it's like joker's mouth. [Laughter]. why so why. yeah this girl got a vibrator stuck in. her tush what a bummer what a bummer i. tell a joke about this on stage yeah.

when we were in uh austin like uh. someone approached bobby with a x-ray. that looked exactly like this someone. really wait really yeah i don't remember. this. but what was the x-ray of again of a. flashlight oh a guy had a flashlight up. his ass oh that's why he gave me the. x-ray what was someone looking for up. there. so why show me. well i'm not a doctor but did you think. it was cool to see it was a cool thing. to see yes obviously but why show me you. don't have to be in the middle of you. appreciate it you asked when you i mean. she was a girl like working at the er. and bobby asked oh have you seen any.

weird stuff so then you asked i did ask. yeah. i did ask that's an easy fix jules never. put anything in your butthole. i won't. i know never now you have a piece. not even penises. your face looks like. i don't want that it's scary but you. already have huh no. no that's the face of somebody. no don't ever put anything in your head. because once you do it once yeah you. want to do it again. it never stops.

yeah you tried please. come on you see this thing i'm a fiji. man buddy. this goes right up this goes right up. there yeah. honestly i don't think anything's been. up there no chance no i can't i'm so. scared i'm so scared of putting anything. on my side of my for a joke i put candy. bars you put a candy bar in your butt. well rsh if you're putting twix in my. butthole the left one or the right one. what do you mean. you know what i mean that's very funny. did you put two twix no just one the. left one.

is twix twixes i got unfollows what do. you mean you got unfollowed the only. friend's phone. wait why why would people unfollow. because of that because i have some fans. that follow me because i'm on certain. things that they like me on but then. it's like they have christian you know i. mean foundations you don't i think. there's a very follow followable photo. no i always whenever i put something. provocative on i lose about a thousand. fans really yeah. what's wrong with that not a thousand. like maybe two or two. people start unfollowing do you have you. actually have a lot of christian fans.

i have some yeah like church going well. koreans aren't really. i didn't know this until i did that show. beef with them that that so many koreans. are like bombarded by the church oh yeah. yeah i didn't know it's the number one. religion in korea christianity can you. sing any christian song do you remember. any songs from when you were a kid yeah. well which one is that uh. jesus love me yes i know. for the bible tell.

i know but you you sped it up no i did. it you made it racist how do your song. do your song. jesus. love me yes i know. for. the bible.

[Laughter]. yeah yeah no the amount of koreans in. church it was wild we did a scene in a. church yeah and all of these guys we're. talking about the moonies you know about. the moonies right i don't. you know about the moonies i swear to. god i don't know what that is look at. the [ __ ] guy. sit down. oh speaking of church going weirdos. [ __ ] weird let's go.

ladies and gentlemen yeah put on the. headphones ladies and gentlemen i'd like. to present to you our our guest of uh. guest segment right now yeah he looks. like if oscar isaac was super sick. i'll take it yeah yeah i'll take it. what happened yeah ladies and gentlemen. we'd like to introduce. our guest segment uh that we're bringing. in some of our friends sometimes he's. only gonna stay for as long as we can. put up with him yeah he is. one of the funniest most talented dudes.

i've ever met in my life he's my oldest. friend. yeah yeah yeah in what way. early on bobby would take me on the road. he was like the first guy to take me on. the road what did he pay you. that's not important no see that is very. important why is that important because. my friendship and my love has been more. more than the money that you've given. him it's not about money it's about it's.

about helping did you get any. opportunities did you get any. opportunities from him taking you on the. road. yeah i got to like headline some clubs. after i featured for him occasionally. thank you what see rooms. for like 80 bucks hey see you're being. negative and mean all right let's let's. reel it back let's reel it back that's. really nice that you that he helped you. out a lot yeah but i'm also an older. friend that is true i've known him yeah. let me ask you this ladies and gentlemen. for he-man. thank you thank you for having me. by the way um has a special coming out.

uh he's putting out a special it comes. out. may 27th may 27th on. my youtube channel. putting it out it's very hard to get. that's one of the hottest specials are. coming out nowadays it's coming so it's. already been out so it's already out. right now on youtube it's blowing up. right we already know it is [ __ ] huge. it's 48 million views the first hour. yeah i heard it's more than uh gangnam. style which was surprising to me. for a special like normally yeah you. know what k-pop is doing k-pop numbers. you know why he said gangnam style. that was racist that was very racist no.

i don't even see him yeah. stop right how dare you come into my. [ __ ] house and say gangnam style get. him dude right. it's like if you came in here i said. here's some sand. but you do that all the time you do it. i say do i really i say thank you yeah. yeah yeah yeah yeah. at your wedding can we throw sand. instead of rice that's what we do that's. like you're making fun but that's a. tradition. it's funny that you're racist. towards him and because you think he's. from the middle east he's [ __ ]. italian yeah italian dude this kid's. from northern italy. he's from afghanistan no he's not.

first of all he's from seattle he's from. seattle but. the origins of him his dad is italian. his dad was a chef tell him about your. boyardee boyardee yeah. did you know rudy have you guys met i. only know of rudy hello hi. big fan. she was at the comedy store big fan two. yeah yeah because my thing on is doing. game style numbers right. have you seen his special on netflix i.

mean on how are you. sorry i'm wearing you special. nobody's cecil didn't even see the. special yeah yeah yeah. has put out a special it's out right now. for the fans. be honest bobby. one of the funniest comics you know i'm. dead serious here's what i want to say. about fakie manual um number one he's um. probably the best joke rider out there. um he's always doing new [ __ ] clever. [ __ ]. um i don't like following him because. it's like i just feel like my shit's so. old compared to his it's so relevant.

and so edgy too and just crisp i think. you're the nicest guy too very talented. good actor good writer you're all around. a super super talented guy i couldn't. even look at your eyes when i give you. the comments. you were fox news's number one brown. comedian this year tucker carlson named. me start a watch which i thought was. like are you being real no why why would. i want a vote of confidence oh are you. on this show what do you mean. what are you talking of course is that. real you think tucker carlson likes this. guy like it's variety top ten like these. are my comics to watch let me tell you.

the comics you need to see here's a. brown piece of [ __ ] that i've had a. little bit before. anyone's as good as well he wouldn't be. nice about it there's no way yeah no uh. if. uh faheem special is called pro-life uh. because it's relevant to what's going on. because it's. but he was pretty adamant about that he. was like this or bust yeah yeah i need. this heat and for him for people that. want to know how because here's the. thing about americans they'll look at.

this guy and they go all right do i. really want to listen to this brownie. right and i'll say this yeah. i know no and i mean nobody in our. friendship circle that is more of an. american gun toten root and tootin. freedom fighter. x veteran than this guy yeah well. definitely some of those things yes yeah. yeah i'm not a next veteran i got to. squash that right off the bat. yeah i don't want to do stolen valor. let me say something because the things. that we were talking about earlier.

you would feel very uncomfortable with. so i think we should revisit those. things the only fancy yes what would you. think about me and bobby starting and. only fans. it'd be a great move. yeah yeah i told you but like would you. be cameraman no i have too many things. going on like i don't need to do that. you're busy yeah. the amount of money we're gonna charge. we're charging eight million dollars. because we're gonna buff [ __ ]. well well well well i'm gonna [ __ ]. him yeah what if he switch he's never. gonna he's never gonna perfect yeah yeah. yeah he's a i'm a fan and we said we'll.

give you a million dollars every time. we'll check this out that's kind of what. it's gonna look like what it's gonna. look like so i'll give you. when are these taken and where were they. thinking about 20 minutes 20 minutes. honestly your ball sack looks like a. [ __ ] from the back. rudy's nodding doesn't it look like a. [ __ ] from the back it's like a fat. [ __ ]. bro that looks like a fat [ __ ] puss.

you got a fat chocito back there baby. dude swear to god that does it looks. kind of hot i'm not gonna lie your balls. my ass. and you have to be in a wheelchair when. you're at the gate have you seen it like. when women get the procedure done like. all of them have to be in a wheelchair. yeah. by the way this is going to come back to. haunt us for sure. yeah yeah we just threw this on the. internet like morons yeah like that.

there's no way that's not going to. [ __ ] ruin our career at some point so. you wouldn't be cameraman if we give you. a million dollars every time to shoot us. yeah a million bucks yeah i don't need. it i don't need the money that bad wow. the special is doing very well here's. the thing about him what i love about. yeah he has principles he does yeah so. back when he was young i've brought this. book i got to bring in the background. right back when i was on mad tv right. he this kid was working at boeing yeah. right and all he wanted to do was comedy. and television so i walked up to when i.

go listen i have a sketch on matt tv. that nate dave navarro's on. and i just need you to be in the sketchy. guys what is it i told him whatever now. yeah he has principles that's always. been fahim's move yeah i like that about. him i just like doing things that i like. you know right. babble language for life you better. believe it i'm taking my babble language. lessons i'm finally doing it i'm going. to italy and i'm trying to learn some. italiano tell me something you've. learned through babel ciao i love it.

ciao you didn't know that yesterday i. had no idea thanks to babel's. addictively fun and easy bite-sized. language lessons there's still time to. learn a new language before you reach. your destination what i love about babel. is is that you know it's not like a. formal way of memory you learn ways of. talking that normal people talk now how. people talk instead of the old standard. way that you used to learn in class in. school right you know what i mean where. it was very much like may i have the. book you know which no one says no one. says so they're teaching you these. things because they're using speech. recognition technology it helps you. improve your pronunciation and your.

accent to sound like people that. actually speak the language 14 different. languages andrew they have spanish. french italian and german and others and. well obviously nine more yeah right yeah. the other language learning apps they. use ai for the lesson plans but babel. lessons were created by over 150. language experts i didn't even know. there were that many holy moly there are. start your new language learning journey. today with babel because guess what it. comes with a 20 day money back guarantee. come on tell them what they can do bob. right now save up to 60 off your. subscription when you go to. friends that's babble.com bad friends.

for up to 60 off your subscription. babble language for life upstart oh my. god upstart's great i've been in such. debt oh my god i had so much financial. problems it gets chaotic it gets. overwhelming and you don't know what to. do when you see the number go up on your. credit card bill and you don't know how. to handle that i feel like you're. drowning then there's no way out you. need upstart you need it yeah yeah. saying goodbye to high interest credit. card debt is one of the first steps. toward financial independence but the. interest month after month can feel like.

you're in a never-ending hamster wheel. that's where upstart comes in we've all. been there all right seemingly out of. nowhere you get hit by an unexpected. expense or a bill and when it happens it. can feel like the weight of the world is. coming down on your shoulders but. luckily upstart is here to help because. upstart powered personal loans can help. you pay down high interest debt all. online with simple and easy to. understand payment terms they've helped. over 1.8 million customers on their path. to financial freedom all right what. about you. whether it's paying off credit cards. consolidating high interest debt or. funding personal expenses upstart can.

help you get one fixed monthly payment. with a clear payoff date that's. incredible you can check your rate in. minutes rudy and for loans between how. much one thousand to fifty thousand. dollars. so much money and that's not even. without impacting your credit score. right don't wait and check your rate. today at upstart.com bad friends that's. upstart.com bad friends to check your. rate today don't forget to use our url. to let them know that we sent you loan. amounts will be determined based on your. credit income and certain other. information provided on your loan. application go to upstart.com bad. friends fame just got back from a. corporate gig literally and yeah oh yeah.

i was in colorado today denver but let's. do no no keystone so you did a corporate. gig right before this one because i know. you oh my god yeah and you talked about. before we talk talks in in san diego no. it's in calabasas in california it's. probably the worst gig i've ever done. and he bombed so badly. no i indicted silence. everyone didn't do great but. i think i took the cake that show why. you bombed oh yeah because it was a. corporate and sometimes corporates it's. not set up like a comedy club they like. try to re they see you at a comedy club.

yeah and they're like oh look i want to. do this for my corporate retreat and. they try to build a comedy club in a. hotel ballroom and it's [ __ ] weird. and it's sad yes because there's like. all these tables and then the room is. way too cavernous you know there's way. too much space yeah. and it's just weird you're in a [ __ ]. marriott it's yeah it feels so weird and. also they'll be like we're chill like. anything goes. just just let it rip but you made a. point that if any place has an hr. department that that's it's not going to.

go well of course not yes i just did. chris spencer's wife's. show for her teachers at a school. and backstage i'm like. should i go on. who would hire you for that chris. spencer. just do your thing [ __ ] idiot i go. yeah but i say so many crazy things he's. like. they're into it no they're not yes and. and moz want to perform you know how. likable and pc is right yeah i walked up. there and the first thing that came out. it was. silence. it was. get down yeah and then all of a sudden i.

could feel this one sweat. dripping down my face you know right oh. i've been there and i i know i knew i. was in for the worst 15 minutes oh bob. it was terrible i went too dark too soon. because i believe the guy when they're. like we're cool with whatever it's just. like let it rip you know don't pretend. you're doing a corporate just do a. regular handicap on nike joke no. i did some other one but like they. tensed up so much because if they say do. whatever and they have a hr department. like if you're around these people eight. hours monday through friday and you're. not allowed to say certain things you're.

not gonna be able to turn that part of. your brain off right and be like oh now. i can do that yeah and the people that. do that get fired immediately at a. christmas party because they honk you. know karen's tits and then someone's. like you honk mark you know what you did. last night he's like it's a christmas. part and he's fired on monday yeah yeah. those things are a [ __ ] nightmare i. did one one time and i ate such a. [ __ ] pile of dicks for 30 minutes at. the pacific design center i almost. didn't even want the money and you're. making like. six hundred dollars a show. at these colleges that your agents and.

your managers take thirty percent it's a. [ __ ] nightmare yeah you think you. take a bus to [ __ ] college town to. college it was the [ __ ] worst and i. did that for [ __ ] years so look at. you now baby god you beat the system. didn't you no i i. but isn't there i don't know this is not. cocky but. isn't there a part of you that's like. you know some of the success i feel like. i earned it no you definitely earned it. you feel that well yeah you you [ __ ]. do you feel it yeah there's a lot of. work yeah so there's so much work it's.

mostly work that no one sees that's the. problem it's no one sees that you know. well it's all the grinding night in a. night out all the clubs you know nobody. knows that so many people in this town. want to go to parties the birthday. parties and go to some house party and. [ __ ] and try to like get ahead that way. nobody just wants to go to the shitty uh. bar show and work on their craft for. several years until they get very good. but this town does reward people. i mean i've never met someone who's. fallen face-first into such a great. situation and she's not even grateful. she doesn't give a [ __ ].

this is the problem with the generation. you have to work for it she doesn't. she has more followers on instagram than. most of our friends how many followers. do you have on instagram uh less than. rudy probably yeah how much do you have. seventy three yeah she's a hundred. thousand hundred thousand. and she's done literally. twenty years he's been doing it right. you've done nothing and he's a craft and. he's extremely good at it so good but i. can't do this. oh yeah yeah yeah. you can't do nothing she is the lamb.

she is the lounge expert actually you. know what that is true fajim can't do. nothing yeah that would drive you nuts. yeah you know when some people like. there's people that work jobs just so. they can retire. that's the opposite of you would you. that's you know once they say some. people they retire and it's their that's. their dream some people retire and they. die because they just don't know yeah. i'm i'm if i retire i'll probably die. you you're the same way. you love work. i just need to be doing it yeah you need. to do something yeah i can't imagine if. they were like uh you have throat cancer. mr lee you have throat cancer god i hope.

not holy [ __ ] right and you can't talk. ever again oh and then what would you do. just program your joke. oh yeah be one hey how's everyone doing. any birthday anybody celebrating they. just got talent right who couldn't talk. but he was a stand-up yeah but all his. jokes were in the thing did they crush. they did my my point is that your dad. could have [ __ ] programmed no. no that's what you think he's writing it. because does his facial expressions. match up to the thing no it's like look. at the size of the tits on this [ __ ] in.

the front row but he's not moving his. lips oh. look at the size of this no. there's no talking it's all in the. computer. i was trying to do that. but you're moving your [ __ ] lips well. i'm not a [ __ ] ventriloquist bob. oh is that what you're doing yes oh my. god god what are you doing he's showing. the video of it that's it. lost voice guy that guy that guy. let's see this guy. hello my name is lee and for obvious. reasons i'm also known as the lost voice.

guy see his arms his arms. how long have you lost your voice. i just knew you were going to ask. something that i hadn't thought about. beforehand. he goes far. oh that's the thing with these shows if. you have some calamity or some hardship. we talk about that you're gonna go the. furthest. here's how you win on america's got. talent get hit by something a bust a car. a sad story yeah or a kid.

or some sort of disability somebody if. you have all three you won the whole. thing you don't have to do anything. cancer. yes that's a huge one somebody has to. have cancer either you or someone you. love. right right you have a disability yeah. and you came from a tough place yeah. bum-bum-bum but if i'll win you know. what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna go to a rooftop. right douse myself right in what you. know with with um gasoline oh good yeah.

i think that's implied with dallas like. nobody else's. in water well i get on a rooftop by. putting on sunscreen two different guys. i'm gonna light myself on fire then jump. off break every bone in my body i'm. going to have a couple of guys put water. on me. right right and i'm going to show up. right. on america's got talent and i'm going to. go back. and i'm going to get the golden buzzer. i'm going to win the whole thing really. you think that's going to work. can you imagine that they wheeling a guy. immediately after you yeah who's like oh. look he's an asian guy who also set on.

fire and fell off a roof yeah but he's. gay and then he wins just. right. yeah beat you by. they see the minorities like how. deformed they are they're like oh that's. gonna be tough to be. like i just have no arms this guy's. burned and he has no legs yeah that. guy's on fire right now. but then what i would do is i would add. a lie and go but i'm eight. eight yeah eight years old then they're. like oh he's a kid when something's. wrong with him that's a thing right yeah. yeah kids.

if you're a kid and you're okay you're. gonna go far yeah but if you're a kid. and disabled oh my god forget about it. give him the golden [ __ ] buzz i hate. the story too it's like you know. like you get this in like uh american. idol well they'll go. yeah so yeah anyway my best friend my. uncle died two years ago and then i'll. just go oh. and i'm i'm always like. sing. [Laughter]. i don't like that they try to find the.

story. too angry two years is. so long. two years. it's like they try to come up with a. story well they're digging they're. probably backstage what story am i gonna. tell what bad thing did anybody get hurt. in your family do you know anybody that. has any tragedy they need to pull. something they need to pull someone what. would be your your trick card my trick. hard what to go far yeah like what would. you have to use something look you're in. your own life what would be your story. like my village got bombed like i'm not. even from ireland. in seattle so we're judges right this is. this is called um los angeles got.

something. ellie got something yeah ellie got. something right and we're both dressed. as my name is simon ciao and you're. simon. no if you're simon chow yeah i have to. be you know. heidi wong heidi wong. joe and hi. we're both ages you have accents you. better believe it. hey welcome to. america la got something. [Laughter]. right there welcome to ellie i got. something this is i am simon chao.

i'm heidi wong yeah. anyway tell your story what your story. first of all what's your talent i am i. like to sing. oh. so tell me about yourself. i i'm from um afghanistan oh. bad bad base that. [Music].

but i seem to. pass time. yeah oh okay that's throwing us still. now. you're doing no but then a missile hit. me one day. my brother i about to hit my brother. and i try to deflect but he blow up and. he's not here anymore. nick cannon is like oh mitchell hit this.

[ __ ]. losing his mind interesting so you know. but i remember last year we had another. guy from afghanistan his missile hit him. my brother stepped on the ied other. brother oh so you have to throw two. brothers. in the other one. so no no brother anymore seem pretty sad. yeah yeah that's so sad that's so sad. though no. not then um. then. [Laughter].

machete fly oh. the flying machine. it's like my mother in her your brother. no mommy anymore. well that will happen if there was a. machete around it yeah okay for us now.

i'm very nervous. [Laughter]. that would be your freedom that would be. your freedom yeah and you and you would. go far far far so far i'd be i have a. residency in vegas yeah yeah yeah and. they'd have like photoshop pictures of. my mother.

machete. like this is dedicated. [Music]. like everybody watch where you walk. thank you good night. yeah but then what will i but then. people would do research. yeah they'd find and they would go like. no his mom's. lives in glendale. yeah but by that time he's got the money. no i would have a pr team who would know. how to spend that squash. don't worry about it what you could do. is. go to your mom and go they i think.

they're finding out so we're going to. have to we're going to have to get your. hat. but we'll cut you in half in a way right. where you're still going to be alive but. your legs are going to be missing yeah. so then when they come over and you go. look. right and she's going to be like. machete. right. flying machete mom yeah but at the end. of the day you will already have banked. all that vegas cream that who gives a. [ __ ] yeah who gives a [ __ ] would you. ever do a residency in vegas no i. wouldn't well yeah not really because i. like doing new stuff and you know.

like i want to work on new stuff and. when you're doing a residency you're. just banging off the hits your whole. life. yeah. but i mean look. at some point if you reach that point in. your career when you just don't feel. like. writing and touring a lot i could see. being in the latter half being like i'll. do a couple years in vegas i always say. vegas is where you can see stars from. yesteryear while sitting down. right yeah yeah yeah. like i saw boys to men when i was there. and i love boys to men i grew up with. them but everyone was just sitting down. with like a giant. big gulp i know we went to go see gwen.

stefani uh because we were going to. vegas um little dicky played in vega. like played a new year show a couple. years ago well it was like four years. ago now and. we were like oh you know we can go see. gwen stefani before he does his show at. like midnight i was like she's right. next door that's great i think she's. amazing i was like i've never seen her. we go. exact same thing no one's even wooing. there wasn't even like a woo yeah it was. literally like it was like quiet theater. people sat she would come out do the. thing and then people would do this.

it was so [ __ ] weird it i i was blown. away that all these young girls weren't. like. getting excited excited it was just uh. it was like watching a movie i bought. tickets to a comedy show. when i was dating christine absol. [ __ ] lutely never in a million years. i know because i didn't know him at the. time but she's mexican and she grew up. with george lopez yeah right so i called. my agents and i go can you get me. tickets they're like. yeah. so they got me second row right but i.

still had to pay some where was this at. at some amphitheater somewhere down i. don't know where i was sure in downtown. where the state staple center whatever. it is you took her to go see another. comic is great but this is what i almost. walked out because this is what happened. so we're sitting there and i think i. brought up to george since then. but we're just sitting there and i'm. like what is the show starting. right and the lights turn off. and then there's like smoke. like what the [ __ ] there may be some. dancing tap dancing [ __ ] going on here. right.

and he comes out. to his back turn from the ground. to the audience sick right. and he stands there. for five minutes without turning around. and that's how long the applause break. was wow. and i was like. i was leaving i was leaving. i couldn't do it. i [ __ ] but i watched it he was very. funny the show was good but i paid would. you pay money for a comedy show no. no. i mean i know that's too deep i would. just like use all my connections to be.

like hey can i get in i would use agency. or hit you up say hey can you see if. you're in love with a new girl let's. just say you're in love with a new girl. she is a massive comedy fan but a fan of. a comedian who's nothing like you. and you have no connection to this. person yaakov smirnoff she's russian. right because she's pro-ukraine she's. she's pro-ukraine but she's russian and. you can't get to yaakov you can't get to. yakov because he doesn't have agents he. doesn't right and she goes so there's. the yakov. here's the new girl you're in love with. and she's like for him i i want to see.

him so bad i miss russia. why won't you take me why won't you take. me to see yakov and. you have to pay how much are tickets to. yakov nice three thousand dollars what. the [ __ ]. what does vip entail though like what he. gets to yell at us in russian for five. minutes. and it's three thousand dollars we get. yeah three thousand for vip and he will. decide he will sign my kids. but i thought you like me no yeah i want.

you to [ __ ] my teeth i want him to sign. my tits. i want you to [ __ ] where he signs on my. tits. but you still love me. yeah of course but you need to take me. to say york of otherwise i will never. give you blow chop again. okay um. here's my visa. would you do it. would you do it let's say yeah you have. to yeah that's why i went to george. that's why you went to georgia yeah. that's why i went that journey because. you had to do it did you have to laugh. the whole time too just like you know.

there's some parts where i'm like oh. that was good he's funny he's great you. know what he got his face on the arsenal. youtube rabbit hole because he was doing. the new arsenal stuff for netflix during. that festival yeah and then i saw. george an old george lopez like his. premiere on arsenio it was just crazy to. watch a 30 year old george lopez i know. so on arsenio just kill him. kill it and kill it on the couch. afterwards too like. yeah that's where those guys made their. mark was killing on the couch do you. know who arsenio hall is at all no. who his audience used to get up and go.

nice man it was love it was the height. it was nice it was the height of like. cool masculinity you ever see coming to. america television no oh okay. she doesn't do much. it's what we've learned she's just here. to make you guys feel so old no she. genuinely does but here's the other. thing she's not even in tune with her. generation. that's the weirdest part she makes us. feel old because she's. she's just can i argue again i want to. i'm going to be a lawyer here okay okay. what i found about the younger.

generation because i was at wii spa last. night and there was one guy out of eight. young 19 year old asian dudes they. followed me in the jade sauna you get. followed into all the rooms right so i'm. in the jade sauna and these nine dudes. just sit around and i go to the jade. sauna at the wii spa because no one ever. goes in there so they just call sat. around me and one guy goes. you're bobby lee right. and i go. yeah yeah and the rest of it guys like. why the [ __ ] are we doing in here man. who the [ __ ] is this guy oh that's nice. of them yeah my point is is that.

everyone he watches podcasting but. everyone has so many options yeah to. watch right that it's like she has so. many options we didn't have that growing. up when we grew up we had four channels. that we could watch yeah and there's six. shows that we had you know i mean so. that's why we know who. gary coleman is if you did one show. everybody knew you yeah now you'd have. to do about 10 shows and then a few. people might start to get to know who's. like the tonight show would have changed. one appearance would have changed your.

life you would have gone from no money. to a millionaire yeah by doing johnny. carson real talk this is bigger for me. than doing like a late night you're my. friends and [ __ ]. this is bigger for me than doing. stand-up on the late night show. alpha brain from on it you know those. times when you're so into what you're. doing that you can't think about. anything else andrew yep the times when. you're at your most focused and. productive when i'm zoned in. psychologists call that feeling of being. in the zone flow state and alpha brain. from on it is the ultimate way to get.

there it's a world renowned neurotropic. supplement with one over one million. bottles sold alpha brain promotes. cognitive functions including memory. mental speed and focus it can help you. remember names zero in on complex tasks. think more clearly under stress comedian. podcaster joe rogan says that it helps. him form better sentences when he's. talking alpha brain contains amino acids. and plant compounds that promote the. brain's release of alpha waves which are. associated with greater creativity and. productivity that's exactly right at the.

same time it supports a. neurotransmitters chemicals that relay. information from the brain if coffee and. energy drinks make you jittery you can. rest easy knowing that alpha brain is. caffeine free but for any reason you. don't like alpha brain you can get your. money back just give us two weeks at. that point you don't feel like alpha. brain is a fit for you just tell us why. we'll refund your money on the spot no. return necessary so save 10 off on your. order by going to onit.com bad friends. that is on it dot com slash bad friends. you're my friends this show is huge like. the special's coming out like what. better place to do it than here you know.

well people need to what is the special. call by the way it's called hat trick so. i did. i did all three rooms i watched the. comedy store you bring me up in the. original room i do 15 minutes later this. is my butthole for you oh [ __ ] man i. don't need you to do that but i. appreciate it. that's so unnecessary hold on will it be. left twix. yeah i said twixes. that's what we said that's what we said. earlier yeah so i bounce around all the. rooms and then finishing the belly and. it's yeah you did you did oh our main. belly yeah but here's the best part that. i think people need to know about this. restaurant because i'm being genuine he. sent it to me i watched it and i called. him on the car ride at home when i was.

driving back from see me [ __ ] valley. uh. the most beautiful thing is. it's hard to encapsulate what it's like. to go live to the comedy store it's. almost it's almost impossible to. encapture that on film. because everything has to be like shot. and overshot and filmed and taken from. different angles and his was done so. organically it felt like a night at the. club because it was a [ __ ] night at. the club uh i directed it right like so. there's only one camera going at the. same time so you don't get shot to the. audience or whatnot it's not a lot of.

reaction shots of the crowd but like you. know there's multiple angles and stuff. yeah but so you see me from different. angles you see back of heads it just. feels like i wanted the ultimate fly on. the wall experience at the comedy store. because every special there's like neons. and [ __ ] it doesn't even look like the. place that we perform at every night. right i just wanted to like not put. lipstick on the pig just [ __ ] show. the place and you can't even eat pig. which is kind of ironic about this whole. thing. but. oh come on that's good i gotta get.

somewhere it's religion man. all right no but it is it's incredible. but it looks like a [ __ ] night at our. home amazing yeah you get a lot of. backstage stuff like you yeah just. talking in the hallway outside the. parking lot parking lot green room just. like walking through the bar to get. upstairs um it's really cool really. magical place let's rank the clubs in la. the three. no why don't i want to do this you're. trying to make enemies i don't want to. make enemies i just want to tell you. what what your number one place is well.

the comedy is for everybody in this room. that's our home. i did a jfl showcase there once. and then they asked would i come back. and i said yeah i just i never have gone. i have no beef with any of those other. places i just don't go yeah it's almost. like. i'm sure like there's restaurants that. people are like you have you never eaten. there and you're like i see it i just. never stop by i know it's there but i.

know what bobby's ranking is. i'm gonna feel like a piece of [ __ ] by. saying this right now i'll do it. because i want to talk about flappers. go ahead okay so the woman that runs it. nice lady barbara i don't know so barbra. when she's opening it right. um she calls me she goes i'm opening a. comic club am i cool she goes i go what. what weekends can i play she's like oh. no you're not a weekend guy you're a. tuesday wednesday guy. right. and i go well who's your weekend guys. she goes names me a couple of comics.

that i know that doesn't even remotely. draw the way i do yeah barf from a. gopher yeah yeah and i i go. no and then. i saw her at the improv maybe a month. ago and she's there hanging out she's in. the green room i don't know upstairs. and she basically goes how come you. don't play my club and i i didn't know. how to say because i'm a tuesday. wednesday guy oh my god i think he said. did you say that there or do you just. hold it in and turn it make it turn into. a cancer later so a guy like me goes you. know i just i just don't do it but a guy.

like you yeah a guy like you yeah badly. wants to use it because you love. vindictive [ __ ] you love payback. it's one of your favorite things but i. didn't i go okay i know but i'm. surprised because you want too bad but. deep down there is a part of him that. goes. yeah i'm busy on tuesday wednesday. nights i go to my meeting that's a cool. way to do it yeah yeah but i didn't do. that because i i'm trying to change my. ways well i've told you i'm trying to be. a better person. ladies and gentlemen. we just want to say thank you to fahim. thank you.

because he has a great special that's. out right now on youtube. it is called did i sign a waiver. by fee man no patrick it's called the. hat trick please watch the hat trick on. youtube right now it would mean a lot to. us yeah just uh youtube.com he manor. please tell the fans to [ __ ] watch. the man female waiver i love you for him. thank you so much for joining me. i'll talk to you. we love you later him some love love you. [ __ ] love. god bless you're the best i'll call you. later well tonight you're sore tomorrow.

all right i'll see you there i'll call. you later buddy now that fahim is gone. what do you think of him because now we. can talk [ __ ] now because i know that. that's your favorite thing to do yeah. i don't talk [ __ ] but. see negative things we like negative so. that we can work through it well we're. being positive for for the next month we. said we'd be positive we want you to be. the negative one on the show um his nose. is very jewish. [Laughter].

so you don't think he's muslim you think. he's a jerk yeah yeah. i was gonna say that but then i thought. it would be mean yeah oh you wanted to. see that in front of him yeah no you. should have that would have been so. funny so funny but you know now he he's. gonna hear and see this after the fact. but that's okay you don't mean anything. mean by it yeah right but that's your. only impression you're just looking at. his nose the whole time yeah because. some girls think he's sexy do you think. he's sexy. um. i don't know he's he's cute. yeah he's cute in what way.

like aladdin how aladdin was cute. he doesn't even look brown. what does he look like white no see this. is the problem because she hates whites. he's too light he's too light brown for. her yeah right you want a darker brown. yeah yeah she likes darker brown you. like darker brown he's a little too. light-skinned muslim. too light yeah yeah yeah yeah what do. you think of the religion i love muslims. but what do you think of the religion. are you setting her up. i don't mind it it's. what do you know about it what do you. know about it they don't eat pork.

what's their god called allah that's all. that's all i know praise allah what's. the book called. there it is you heard that almost. um. i don't know karaoke. the book of karaoke yeah yeah yeah koran. koran yeah. and what else are they as a woman what. else do they believe for women women. should walk. women. should. wear all those coverings because and.

they should walk behind the man. and speak when they're spoken to and. serve the man and serve the man how do. you feel about that i don't want i don't. like that i know i'm trying to be a. muslim out here. why don't you like it. don't muslim men um they can marry a lot. of women. first of all this doesn't apply to all. branches of we're generalizing we know. almost nothing about it. all i know is this this is all i [ __ ].

why would you want to marry more than. one [ __ ] woman that would be a. nightmare how many like when i see those. polygamous [ __ ] that show that sound. like tlc or whatever that guy that has. like six wives why the [ __ ] would you. want that many [ __ ] what that's. insane sister wives this [ __ ] psycho. and by the way bring up the image of. these people look at what these people. look like. good look at what these people look like. i know i don't know what are they. looking just click on the photo. zoom in zoom in and let me let me say. something mean it's like they. photoshopped the same face on everybody. it's him yeah yeah it's him as different.

yeah they're all the same person that's. him as different women yeah yeah yeah. and i gotta tell you like which one. would you [ __ ] you got four swings and. you struck me honestly. which one would you spend the most with. the guy that girl in the far right. oh yeah the girl on the front right yeah. where's the guy at though i don't know i. don't know if there is a guy at this. point oh he just they should just show. the wives in that photo. emperors back in the day like in china.

right yeah they used to have like 200. concubines no that's different though. why those are just women they got to. sleep with you but you know these guys. have to live in a house and still you. know those concubines. how come you didn't you know i wrote you. a letter how come you didn't write me. back i mean you know everybody's so busy. i know but you know dick dick you spent. three days with dick dick and tong tong. right but me you ever see me in three. more your tits are weird. that's the [ __ ] thing on this show.

i've seen it before they talk on the. show about he spends more time with. other women and they all get jealous. what do you [ __ ] expect what do you. think is going on yeah of course he's. going to pick and choose who's got this. tightest toy i would get the front the. brunette. for me the brunette if i had to pick the. brunette nah not for me which one back. right because she looks like she can. suck a golf ball through a garden hose. yeah that the back is right. yeah. no dude look. beyond the idea that i don't want to. [ __ ] make these real humans feel bad.

i just think it's not my [ __ ] i don't. give a [ __ ] you can go do whatever you. want do be happy with as many people as. you want what's that photo. that's all the kids they have. wait their kids have kids. but they have to [ __ ] each other. he has kids with all the woman it's not. true he has kids i think with every. woman i think i don't know oh that. headache yeah balancing that i'd forget. first of all remembering their names is. no also imagining him doing a five-way. divorce the alimony well insane yeah. insane you're broke you're homeless i.

mean how do you remember all these kids. name that was always impressive to me i. i. i'm one of two kids and i was an only. child for a while before my sister yeah. my mom forgot my name all the time. there's a system that you can do it i. think. what is it what is it so what i would do. is. if one of the woman's name is angie. i can memorize the five women's names. right. so. their kids would all start with an a and. n right correct right right so angie and. joe. and drew would have been an easier one.

it would be one of them but ann joe. would be what angel my brother and joe. is the oldest right and jai angie. and she's my wife yeah but she they. could have an angie uh angie the woman. what's your daughter oh angie junior the. woman right so anjo yeah and jai. right angelica angelica angelo angel. angel would be a good one. and then if my other wife was name is uh. brianna be all b.r. bianca even harder bi way harder let's.

try bianca though okay go for it b b. one of his name was b e yeah yeah b e a. yeah one would be b b. b the other one would be b b no hard. that is b b b. yeah i wouldn't do three b's. b b b b come over here when the b b. comes over i said three b's listen idiot. you [ __ ] idiot listen when i'm. calling you and your sister yeah yeah. yeah i think i there's. to be able to remember all of those kids. and be in line with who's whose kid. would went with which woman that would. [ __ ] you that would [ __ ] me up too they.

look they all look the same no but this. is what you do he [ __ ] up. he [ __ ] it up you you. marry different races. yeah he got all whites which is one. black girl yep so i know what i mean one. black one asian one uh black you would. have a mexican one black mexican. being asian i couldn't do an age i could. do an asian one if i'm full asian you. should have a white i definitely have a. white yeah those are my good looking. ones. well you have to get loans for these.

houses somehow yeah yeah all right so so. you have a black one an asian one i. would probably have a mexican one a. mexican but that's. so close to asian i think my kids would. kind of look asian or no no if it's if. it's mexican mexican indigenous. mexican indigenous indigenous mexican. yeah and then and then native american. the same as indigenous no mexican native. americans look very different wait. indigenous native you're saying. indigenous people mexican mexico. indigenous people in mexico and native. americans are too similar.

they have a few i would go south asian. oh okay okay yeah yeah like. what. yeah yeah i'm not south asian you're not. you're not asian at all as far as i'm. concerned you know what i always. i would marry two whites i would marry. an american white but check this out in. my thinking okay. a russian white because my kids will. have knives oh yes right yeah because. they like i saw eastern promises where. that was that movie eastern promises. yeah yeah yeah the [ __ ] steam room. yeah so those kids are good at violence.

yeah and if one of my kids is playing. with a bear outside i got the yeah. that's my russian one yes yeah yeah. that's look at there's a never go to a. steam room with a russian no yeah yeah. no let him go and let him come out and. then you get in and lock the door yeah. yeah lock yourself inside the steamer. what would you have. all whites. no no yeah no you know what i would do. well with me it would look but the red. hair thing would stand out with anybody. if i had a black wife but we had a black. kid with red hair because you know if. you've seen this there's black kids with. red hair yeah like my i have a buddy.

who's black with freckles that is a lot. of freckles don't like it [ __ ] you you. know what your kids would all look like. sinbad. one of the coolest guys of all time she. has no idea who that is yeah show me. sinbad thin bad the comedian he's the. [ __ ] man a successful awesome. comedian i'll take it i thought the lion. yeah so these are all that's right. andrew's kids yeah with a black woman. right go to the one with the mohawk a. little bit yeah that's me back in the. 80s though sinbad in the 80s. you think what with the lion what did. you say sinbad oh simba.

[Laughter]. and type in antonio cromartie kids. there's a video. there's a video of him naming his kids. oh oh that one right there the second. one down look at this he's trying to. remember his kids names listen listen. how many kids does he have so. let's go to this ad and then pause it. okay but here's the deal this is when. having too many kids with too many. people goes awry.

when you can't even remember ages and. names okay so look at how watch this. this is nuts they're holding up you have. to turn you know all the aggression on. but as soon as you leave and get home. you got to be that father figure you. know that that husband. what's wrong with your help. what's going on over here. yeah alonzo who is five. i have um. karis who is three i have. my my junior was just three i have a my.

daughter who just turned three as of. yesterday three threes um i have another. son named tyler. that's who he turns three in december. he got another. uh daughter that was born october 16th. named london that's my birthday another. daughter i was born named leilani who's. uh two years old. and uh. i have my newborn with my wife think. about how that how stressful it is. remember just remembering all the kids. that's more stressful to me than having.

all the women i don't remember any of. the [ __ ] kids names of their. birthdays how do you how would you know. he named all of them except that one. girl and you know that one girl's gonna. see that video and that's gonna sit with. her for the rest of her life yeah it. stinks it stinks but you know what what. does it say they don't know how to pull. out. thank you for being a bad friend. [Music].

[Music]. [Laughter]. hi my name is tuko please subscribe to. our only fans. [Music].