Ooh La La! | Ep 171 | Bad Friends

hey and friends we got more dates for. the fall we got game we got games and we. got shows coming up we got shows in the. fall so look we shifted some shows we. added a second show Saturday September. 16th in Munhall PA oh wow then Friday. October 6th October 6th we gotta be in. Boston Boston Massachusetts then October. 21st we're gonna be in Washington DC. I've heard of it and then October 28th. we're gonna be in Belco theater at. Denver College that's my favorite Bellco.

of all Friday November 24th we are at. the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee. Wisconsin yeah yeah and then the 25th of. November we go to Chicago Theater. oh where the creatures are and then. November 30th we're in Minneapolis. Minnesota when I got molested and then. Friday December 1st we're at the Orpheum. in Madison Wisconsin. but that second show added in Munhall. Boston DC Denver Milwaukee Chicago. Minneapolis Madison let's go to. badfriendspod.com.

badfriendspod.com and here's the deal. here's the deal uh the pre-sale for the. artist pre-sale is Wednesday starts this. Wednesday June 21st at 10 A.M oh that's. good and it goes until Thursday June. 22nd password is bad friends bad friends. bad friends uh and then it's all on sale. on Friday but try to get those tickets. Wednesday June 21st at 10 A.M password. is bad for that badfriendspot.com. you two are bad friends who are these. two idiots.

[Music]. we're bad friends. it's an old Korean tune. that's about the little boy that died in. the well yes yes love that song yeah. it's a good song right you know what. happened you know it was down in the. well a girl that's right and this is the. story about why you shouldn't ever chase.

women because you end up dying in a well. and that's what's unfortunately the. truth about life you go after women you. end up dying in a well Bob you gotta be. careful you drink a lot of ginger beer. she did she did too much yeah way too. much if you drink too much ginger beer. it's not good well you end up in a well. you end up in a well you know what. happens when you drink too much ginger. beer right you get. um diabetes you do because of the sugar. and then what happens the whole town. puts you in a well right and then they. go well the ginger. we know what happens is you get too fat. from me from the ginger beer from the.

diabetes and they put you they put you. down there and you look up and you go. why and they go well. well well well well well well well. interesting interesting interesting. interesting okay let's start the show. here we are today back in the studio. good to see Rudy Jewels back she's on. her phone she's got a brand new phone a. big iPhone 14 plus the Max Plus good to. see good to see someone's Rich someone's. Rich good to see good to see good to see.

you Jules have a happy birthday. dong. me. is there like a do you guys have your. own happy birthday melody in Tagalog yes.

I speak cebuano it's different then. speaks but there's no song Wait so are. you saying sabaro like the pizza place. yeah is that where it's from is the. Philippines exactly that's why it's not. good that's why it tastes like wood no. it's good Subaru is good is it good. really good. yeah in the Philippines I always go. there it's so funny I was right it is. what do you get there what sabaro pizza. you get bat Pizza what do you get down. there no I not the pizza I get the bad. pizza with balut I said that's a huge.

have you seen their bats very cute yeah. we've talked about that yeah yeah I get. the white pasta isn't that funny that. you hate white things but you like the. white pie it's really creamy that's why. I like it oh what else is creamy white. guys yeah creamy white guys. sing sing Happy Birthday to her sing in. I don't know the cebuano there's would. you never have a [ __ ] birthday but we. just sing it in English stealing from us. again steel steel yeah do you guys have.

like a Christmas song because the. Mexicans have the um Feliz Navidad. that's one of my favorite ones we have. they do there's goes I can't believe we. didn't die. another year we didn't die. next year we might die. but this year we didn't die. that's what that's that's the film but. it's more like this. [Laughter]. year we didn't die.

next year we might die. all right well it was her birthday if. it's my birthday say something in your. language that says happy birthday not. the song but just what would you say. she's like starting up a plane check. way too much too much that's happy. birthday okay that's just yeah yeah so. um you had a great birthday I had an.

amazing birthday what what did Andrew do. for you. Andrew extended my trip in Orlando and. my hotel so I could stay at the resort. with a sister and her best friend Stacy. that's right shout out Katie and Stacy. shout out my sister and Stacy well both. of my they're kind of both my sisters. but we had a good time in Orlando you. guys got to stay by the people you were. drinking did you wait did you go I said. go out for dinner yeah dinner and drinks. girls night out it was awesome uh you're. so paid for it I did the ladies paid for. it you paid for all of our drinks at the. pool the ladies didn't put the so they.

paid for the dinner yeah oh that was. very nice what did I pay for you got me. breakfast and you called me I did call. you called me at 2AM and I said happy. birthday again what is the soccer shirt. you're wearing today oh it's just. because it gets a little cool here and I. want to be able to sweat through. something you know nothing you know why. it gets cold in here because you [ __ ]. weigh a hundred pounds and he eats. Caesar salads you should eat a meal once. in a while I'm trying to be trim I'm get. I'm 36 years old it's easy to gain. weight 36 years old how much do you. weigh uh 135. and how tall are you five.

seven. I weigh 180 I'm 5'3. [Laughter]. it's not even a joke I. don't know it's funny it's insane how. much do you think I weigh I weighed. today I'm kind of bummed two. wow do I look fat oh you're trimmed. muscle. 202 pounds that's great I'm 202. that's. awesome but it is but I do feel fit I'm.

just I am going to the gym more but I. feel fat but it sounds fat when I hear. 202 pounds that sounds like a lot of. weight I think I'm like 150 pounds. that's fine Carlos weighs less than me. yeah well Carlos Carlos is sick yeah met. here and body yeah you know if you told. me you had a terminal illness I I would. my response let's say I have a terminal. Andrew tell me right now hey Andrew I. have a terminal illness I know yep I. would just say I know really cool we've. been thinking it's been coming for a. long time we think you're hiding it from. us no of course not I would tell you.

guys anything I don't know this feels. like one of those the Black Panther guy. you know thing where you're hiding it. and nobody knows that's like too Noble. for me to like die what's his name. Chadwick both yeah exactly the poor guy. and he hid it from everyone you would. tell every you would scream it from the. Raptor no iron Carpenter without the. talent that's so mean but that's what. you look like you know who you look like. at Crosby Stills and Nash yeah yeah. right as he was going bald that's. exactly right right that's exactly what. you look like cross Crosby Still you. you'd be and. yeah Ampersand yeah yeah let's talk.

about Rudy Jules what's been going on in. your little world. a thing oh [ __ ] I'm so happy. and I because she she's coming to. Riverside show and I I called her on. boyfriend. is he coming and I go make sure do. everything you can to come and bring. Rudy's like yeah yeah okay yeah I'll do. it I'll do it you know what I mean and. now he's not coming. why doesn't he not like me no he has a. work that's why what does he work.

um the pharmacy Walgreens. how much did you get paid that night. I hope the pharmacy he works at the. pharmacy yeah what does he do pharmacy. tech what does that mean he just stocks. pills is he a pillboy he get us pills. I've been telling him to get me ozempic. no that's a weight loss drug yeah why. would you do that why would you need. that because I need it just in case I. get really really fast no you don't I. gotta tell you this is smart planning. that's pretty good because she's not fat.

now she's not getting fat now but she. knows at some point she will be fat yeah. because you know that and I know that. you've seen what happens in the. Philippines at some point. yeah they just balloon up although your. mom was really big and now she's small. because of Olympic yeah oh so eccentric. because she's Etc. we got to get you some mozambic so you. can lean out can I be on them pick. you don't you don't need it why because. I think it would I think it would. trigger you.

a drug frenzy it's a gateway drug I. think it's I think it would put you in a. place where you want other because what. it does to you right it suppresses your. appetite yeah what's that gonna do it's. the only thing you live for the only. thing you crave that's the only I talk. to I talked to Jarvis today I had lunch. with Jarvis who says hi Brian Jarvis. yeah yeah yeah and and we talked about. we got salt and straw ice cream. afterwards because I love that stuff's. so [ __ ] good it's so good it's like. annoying every time I pass one I go I. should stop by yeah and uh I don't know. why you do that with your hand because. he's flaming. I'm gay yeah big deal it's my month.

exactly so listen yeah it is. so we missed The Comedy Store parade. thing with the what the f it's just it's. in Justin Martindale's [ __ ] it's just. the whole thing. they crank a mic in and out of his. butthole that's the you know the moving. part yeah no but I I we talked about you. and I said he orders the same thing he. does a lot of desserts and a lot of. appetizers and I said what you said to. me you said I'm an addict this is my.

only Vice you got to let me have this. yeah and I did say to you I said you're. right and I agree with that and you're. right because you're like that's all I. have so imagine on ozempik your appetite. suppressed what do you have if you don't. have food what do you got Elden ring. doesn't eat a lot he buys a lot of food. but he doesn't eat a lot. so I think he'll be fine. I don't I I don't miss you on this show.

it's a partial truth here's the deal he. eats all he eats often small things but. all the time right like when we were. together multiple times I picked him up. when we were in St Petersburg I said. where are you he said I'm at this little. cafe getting breakfast and I said well. I'm gonna go to this other Cafe that the. valet recommended he goes good I could. eat again so I picked him up he ate me. no I'm like a hobbit second breakfast. yeah but then you ate a third breakfast. we got you ate three how about sometimes. do that I think profits are only two how.

many people search how many breakfast do. hobbits usually eat yeah yeah I think. two is Max you had three there's two. dinners yeah you also get two dinners. how many lunches though you could skip a. launch I don't know so according to the. books a six traditional Hobbit meal. times exactly six in a day dude so two. four six four three three one two oh. three one two I do three one two dude. yeah oh seven this one says seven Frodo. does it exactly breakfast second. breakfast elevensies luncheon afternoon. eleventh season 11 sees what I do eleven.

Z's I think yours are twelves to be. honest with you yeah yeah they're a. little bit more yeah no but they eat a. lot but you cannot get on please don't. get on those epic I have to do it I have. to lose weight no because look at the. side effects what it's like it's insane. people that have gone on this yeah I've. heard a few horror stories I'm not gonna. lie what are the side effects let's see. if I can deal with it I love this as. possible nausea diarrhea stomach. abdominal I have those already vomiting. constipation uh Smeg latitude the. biggest side effect is smaglitude what's. smuggling I hate when I get that that's.

actually what ozempic is it can cause. side effects on people are unable to. tolerate nausea vomiting and constant. diarrhea that's how you lose weight by. the way the original name of those epic. is called schmaglitude smaglitude like. smegma inflammation of your pancreas. changes in Vision low blood sugar kidney. problems kidney failure serious allergic. gallbladder problems hypoglycemia dude. pancreatitis you want to [ __ ] you want. to have your pancreas stop working. that's it that's like a one percent of. the people no it's not I'm sure it's. much higher than that.

do what what percentage of those epic. users have side effects. what percentage of those epic users have. side effects and I'm telling you. it's more than you think. users have side effects. 16. nausea 20 of people 16 you're getting. diarrhea and nausea from this dude I'm. telling you huh. I'm telling you well I mean could you. try it and then like if the diary comes. it's too much I can go I'm gonna stop. yeah but you won't want to stop you know. you you'll keep going I love it yes I. love that you'll feel good you'll be. losing weight your tummy will be flat.

yeah I want to look good babe so do I. but then why don't you just get on a. little bit of an exercise no Donuts me. too. what's your what's the one breakfast. item you cannot live without. like if they're like hey we're well I'll. tell you what I get every time if. there's like a pastry basket. [ __ ] man give it give it give it oh yeah. we had that I know did we not do that. yeah I've never seen that before we had. cinnamon roll muffins oh yeah where do. we have that in St Petersburg. my second breakfast yeah your second. breakfast yeah yeah at the um at the.

biscuit place oh my God oh my Lord they. had they made homemade biscuits and he's. got biscuit and gravy delicious yeah and. then they go but you guys know we make. this homemade cinnamon muffin and I was. like a cinnamon roll muffin no it's a. biscuit I'm sorry cinnamon roll biscuit. okay and he was like yeah yeah it's the. inside swirled and filled biscuit and. then the outside is crispy and Flaky as. a biscuit with cinnamon sugar layers in. between wait what was the restaurant we. had a dessert at a restaurant a cinnamon. roll but inside the middle was not.

cinnamon roll St Petersburg it was that. was also St Petersburg you went to that. place twice. yeah I'm Bart Simpson I'll be your. server Comforts or something. really guy yeah I ate there twice yeah. it was good it was really good the best. service I've ever seen too I felt kind.

of like guilty all right let's stop. plugging this place what are we doing. what are we giving them free ad space no. can we say talk about the service [ __ ]. no that was amazing the service was. amazing yeah the whole thing was there. was like 30 people you know sometimes we. go some towns we go it's like it feels. like a big deal sometimes no sometimes. they're sometimes they're mad we're. there yeah that's what it feels like. sometimes they're like you guys couldn't. go anywhere else yeah Jacksonville felt. like. a big deal yeah but Orlando did not yeah. because it's [ __ ] Orlando right yep.

Disneyland Will trump us every [ __ ]. yeah but they did you can't [ __ ] with. Trump but they did tell us they took us. into the. um to the John Lennon room that was cool. they did and we saw the piano signed by. all these legends that was pretty. [ __ ] amazing do you like John Lennon. Rudy. um imagine if you did yeah yeah. really yeah you don't like them. do you know all the members of The.

Beatles. no she got. can you name some of them. John Lennon yeah easy one yeah. the one that has a weird voice yeah. weird voices what's his name what are. you talking about you know what she's. talking about yeah the lead. no one that I always see in the middle. yeah what's his name. um come on we can help you Jim. not a gym yeah well Jim is in the band.

yeah Jim. say it again Jim Mahoney. Ma. it's not Jim Mahoney that's good no no. this is good this is good so I'm gonna. I'm gonna give you the right Paul Paul. McCartney. Paul McCarthy. or McCartney is it McCartney McCarthy or. McCarthy.

McCarthy yep. from the Beatles. and at the John Lennon room though was. great they had the piano some drawings. there was a little Asian lady sweeping. up it was joking. it was great pick up your feet yeah and. she would sweep under each footstep yeah. pretty inefficient. she's the one that broke the bone she's.

the one that broke so you know little. tidbits a little bit what are you. picking at your face my pimple no good. stop doing it while you're on camera can. you save it until you get home no it's. annoying we all have pimples it's okay. it'll come and it'll go. how's the a Dean's job so far it's on. yeah still boring yeah yeah. she works at the Dean's office I thought. you were working at the bookstore no. it's a different one he never got that. job. but quick uh promotion to the Dean's.

office yeah you know what I liked on. tour the NFL players yeah Tampa Bay. Buccaneers came to say hello to us that. was pretty cool that was [ __ ] really. rad very good guys who else was there. oh yeah Mario game yeah Mario Lopez came. yeah yeah which is incredible I we. thought with his schedule I'm surprised. I showed up Mario Lopez come he likes us. I guess he said he was a huge fan yeah. I I didn't mind it have you met him. Mario Lopez no and I feel like I never. will he's one of those guys I feel like.

I'll never sit down with it's uh he is. he's always at Sebastian monoscalco's. like party that sounds right but he. never like I'm never around him no he. kind of floats uh he kind of floats on. his own is there any new anime you're. watching. no I'm kind of like you're over it. what's been going on in your life Rudy. I'm just going to school. work sleep eat that's it American Dream. yeah that is kind of the imagery you. didn't have to work well you went on a. picnic hike the other night oh yeah it.

was he from. your boyfriend yeah so over a year now. wait a minute he took you to a little. picnic was it for your one year. anniversary no he just stopped by and. then we went does he tell you he's gonna. do stuff like that or he just surprises. you sometimes he surprises me was the. was this a surprise yeah so he says I've. got a basket full of stuff for us to go. he doesn't have an accent well I want. him to okay he was born here. so so he doesn't have an accent uh you. were born here he has an accident I lay. up a little accent see.

just a little bit fancy as an accent he. was born here no yeah yes he told me he. had a Visa coming here yeah he's got a. Visa I know I yeah when you meet his. wife you think what wasn't it for her. she had to get this guy you know. legalized here she had to put up with. him and have a baby with this guy. I know a girl that's she's what was in. it for her yeah imagine his wife like. spreading his uh oh.

just imagine this in his thigh and just. kissing with that little No Man's Land. right there and him going say. ulala. how creepy is that that's French though. yeah what would the Spaniard say if you. kissed his his taint he would say the. French one yeah. with an accent are you making weird. noises when you're making love of course. who doesn't I don't you're completely. silent you're quiet when you have sex. yeah I have my ninja mask.

yeah I have the [ __ ] swords yeah man. well those clang together that's what I. heard that other night in the hotel what. just two swords. but um so you don't you make noises of. course can you record them sure that'd. be great how funny would that be hearing. fancy sex noises this is great I am. great. I'm coming but it's all about him I'm. the best I am a good position now. at least I lie.

it's been you know I gotta tell you it's. been a weird wobbly time since I've been. home. I felt so disconnected because I feel. like we're home and then we gotta go. yeah so I don't feel much going on. you've been doing spots. I haven't done any you're doing tonight. tonight I am yeah yeah but I haven't. since we've been back no I went and. visited the dogs I needed to see the. dogs I saw that online how was that real. nice I mean they just get so excited to. see me. and um they just lay all of them just.

lamb my head it's heartbreaking actually. because all you have is the cats of the. house yeah and the cats don't know who I. am right so it's a complete experience. who do they think you are I don't know. but Bojo the fat one right he's just. he's always like where am I like he. doesn't know what's going on he can. cussed no he's just I think he's dumb. yeah you think he's an idiot yeah he. just wanders in a circle and he looks at. me like for the first time he's never. seen me before maybe he needs an.

assistant. yes. wow well Bojo is Bobby Jr that's why you. call him Bojo yeah that is the name yeah. yeah yeah so it is kind of right on kind. of right on the money you're right but. watch your [ __ ] mouth okay. if you have upcoming summer trip abroad.

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when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and. enter code bad friends at checkout box. of awesome.com bad friends we walk past. two cats what two nights ago we take. neighbor like nighttime neighborhood. walks and all I hear from across the. street like behind the bush. wow. wow love yeah and I was like oh are they. smashing they're [ __ ] yeah and oh wow. wow well cats have razors on their dicks. you hear about this sorry yeah yeah yeah. hooks hooks so it hurts so it hurts yeah.

I thought there were razors well feral. cats have razors which are their penises. have little hooks on them oh yeah and it. hooks the ve yeah. they're like look at that so that's why. when they're having it goes oh wow. my vaginal walls ow but I go to the push. and one cat is so [ __ ] fat like we. thought they were Strays one was huge. How big no identification on it no I.

didn't so neither of them they I thought. there was a straight how big yeah so big. how big I'll tell you how big it was it. was bigger than anybody. and it was huge and the other one was. real thin and I that was the guy that. was the the boy and I thought look at. you look at you oh and it was a black. cat and I knew it. out of New Orleans or something. I'm just saying no Atlanta I think. Atlanta Atlanta but it was so funny.

because it was a rail thin little black. cat yeah and it looked like he hadn't. eaten in weeks yeah and the fat lumpy. white catches and it was lethargic. because they just probably finished you. know but then the black cat was. sauntered over to me yeah real slowly. and then he looked at me he goes what's. up. yeah. I know it's perfect if you guys could. change your penis into anything what. would it be. well I think that um what do you mean.

like the size of the shape or what do. you mean I don't know magic anything in. the world any sky's the limit well you I. think it would be cool if like you know. those block games where you put the. square into the square hole right sure. so if a woman's vagina is like a square. and my face was a square right and I. could play that game and then if she has. a circle I have a square dick right. but yeah man I would love for mine to be. able to sing oh that's cool.

hit it and he goes oh. just I would love to see like a penis. mouth oh Wanna Be With You everywhere. you know like that's enough oh that's. cool yeah I like that oh I'll tell you a. dick joke I heard the other day like an. old Street joke this is really fun okay. I like this a guy uh guys going through. the woods. going hike into the woods and he sees uh. he sees a lamp on the ground and a genie. comes out of it and he goes oh whoa whoa. a genie and he goes. Genie goes all right. you got uh you got two wishes let's go.

and he goes two I thought it was always. three I'm [ __ ] what kind of Genie. only grants two wishes and the genie. goes look in your pants and he opens his. pants he goes whoa my dick is huge and. the genie goes yeah I've been doing this. for a long time. you like it he like the street joke. I don't understand it. the first wish Every Man Has is always. make my dick bigger. it is.

well that's the joke. it is what Would You Wish For What was. your three wishes yours should be dick. bigger by the just by the way also when. she said what would you change about. your dick anything I was hoping you. would just go normal. I haven't said anything you haven't said. you said I know but I know what I'm. working with yeah all right and if I'm. with a girl and she still wants to stay.

with me with what I'm working with then. you're locked in baby I understand I. don't have a Grizzly dick and that's why. they're staying with me because I have a. Grizzly dick well no why would you want. a Grizzly dick. I mean you know no not only grizzly bear. oh not Harry what is a Grizzly dick you. know like you know that one black man. that died the meme that they used to use. is that guy's dead big beefy yeah yeah. what was his name that big guy whatever. all right what's the three wishes if you. had a gene I'm a Genie poof I would.

Grant you three wishes two different. boys. I'm a grant you three weeks that's your. first wish rather yeah yeah that's my. first wish. dude go back. you only have two wishes left all right. um. I like to be able to freeze time and be. be able to move around you cannot just. freeze time good goal you have one left. and can I move around and when I go no.

just freeze time that's it. you don't get you don't get details. well the third one that would be um. to fly done. you know what the hard part is with a. genie because you would Grant you the. wish to fly doesn't mean you didn't. doesn't fast it doesn't how fast or you. can land or all right you might just. have to fly and fall yeah holy [ __ ]. you're right or you could buy an. airplane ticket and fly.

what would your three wishes be. three wishes granted go uh true love. oh he throws up. okay true love go and the second wish. um or bring my uh childhood dog back. from the dead. [Laughter]. uh and third one uh I just want to have. enough money uh like a lot of money.

wait are you sure about your second. choice. child the dog just go to the pound. I already have a dog I want you already. got the wish yeah. three wishes go be rich really really. rich got it invisible. wait you realize you're not asking to be. able to turn it you're saying you are. invisible now. I got it. you want to be rich and no one can see.

your money you go to the bank no one can. see you you can't hear my [ __ ] money. well I can just steal right what you why. would you have to be rich and then also. then yeah. that's not how it works yeah you're. invisible. also imagine that she had like all we. see is floating money in your hands holy. [ __ ] there's ghostly money floating. around okay okay can I take back my no. the third one that's the whole point.

well the third one could be. please don't be smart for her. kill everyone. I can have all the money so wait a. minute timeout so you're invisible this. is how dumb no one else is on the earth. she's the richest person in the world. she's invisible and nobody exists. Jesse figured out the the hole is all. she had to do for the Third Wish is wish. that she did wasn't invisible all the. time all you do is reverse but I want to. be invisible okay but here you are.

invisible nobody can see you it doesn't. matter because nobody [ __ ] exists but. you're the richest person on Earth that. no one can see you don't exist and. there's no one on planet and there's no. one on planet why do you even need money. at that point yeah. I don't know I wasn't thinking well. you're [ __ ] you're [ __ ] no I hope. you don't run into a genie anytime soon. yeah and you know what's so weird about. that idea that her like her thought. process her ideology of this she wanted. to be rich but totally alone what would. you do with all the money. no let's say You're Not Invisible let's. say we make you the richest woman in the.

world okay. and then what would you do with all the. money. I. give some to my family okay great you. get okay get through that you got all. the money in the family. get a lot of animals yeah but you see. you want to be alone and that's still. being with somebody because you can't. have that you have to be alone you have. to be super rich and alone what are you. gonna do just sleep all day and get fat. no it was epic then no okay okay wow. that's what you want yeah it's really. sad it's making look look look you know.

you're wrong you know that's not what. you want who are your road models it's. hard for you to get a word out these. days yeah yeah and I don't mean a word I. literally don't know. oh. [Laughter].

you know how when immigrants they come. here back in the day and they they. change their names because you know man. yeah he'd be rural. he gets to the board with Generations. what's your surname he's like. all right well done and then your great. great congratulations have to explain. that [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah my great. great grandfather was [ __ ]. nervous and you know he I was thinking.

in Spanish what are you thinking of. Spanish what was in Spanish. who are your role models your role role. models does it have to be like someone. famous no Your Role Model anybody it can. be your [ __ ] mom it could be someone. you met years ago that influenced you. that made you feel good. can you get me a blanket and pillow for. a second no stop Jesus Christ my I meant.

for you to only want to be rich and fat. oh no I was just thinking about myself. not. atikalai that is your role model yeah. okay and she's not fat she always works. out that's what I say that's what they. say I mean I don't know she's your role. model right now okay who else. no one when you were young who did you. look up to when you were in the. Philippines living in that cave. then you went outside to go collect.

berries for the winter. who was your role model no one you. didn't look up to anybody no good. and that's why she doesn't want to do. anything it was your role model. probably my dad my stepdad my stepdad oh. because he was a great guy and he was. just had his life together and I I. remember going over to his house his. apartment. and put your [ __ ] hand down. I remember going to his apartment and he. was like responsible and he you know.

like he had he had like he had stuff and. we didn't really ever have a lot of. stuff so I was like. this guy's like a cool guy he's got a. job he works hard he cares and he was. known it was so nice to me didn't have. to be nice to me didn't have to be. [ __ ] nice to me he could have been. like this ladies kid [ __ ] this kid gives. a [ __ ] but he was he was nice oh he was. super he did that's I said all the time. about step dads and all that [ __ ] and. I'm not making a joke. [ __ ] thank God for all the step dads. that like care about a kid that isn't. their [ __ ] kid because that you could.

have turned out so differently yeah dude. because I know a lot of friends of mine. who had no relationship and then their. step dads were there my buddy one of my. good friends Tyler one of my closest. best friends from growing up his stepdad. was a piece of [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] didn't. pay him two [ __ ] cents of the day. didn't care about him he was like I. already had kids. that's what that he would say that too I. already raised kids. and he's like my kids are grown I'm not. your [ __ ] dad and why would the mom. be with that guy like that because she I. don't know insane honestly but you don't. know what she's going through but it's. like this kind of stuff happens to.

people you I can't believe it he was so. dismissive it was like. you know yeah it was [ __ ] up to watch. it was like that guy's not [ __ ] nice. to you he could be a little bit nicer. but he didn't give a [ __ ] because he's. like that's not my kid. yeah sometimes I'm on a dating app and. they'll say we have children and you'll. see a photo of them with and I look at. the kids no thanks yeah yeah yeah yeah. they have to be attractive. you're not gonna get that big-headed. [ __ ] Mongol all right let's be real. would you ever date a woman who had a. kid like seriously 100 would you would.

and you think you'd be a Bobby Papa I. would I would go to the softball game. oh my God for her the daughter play. softball or the sun play softball. whatever well if the sun play softball I. wouldn't go you really. why because oh I said I like baseball or. nothing yeah yeah okay I would go to the. games the plays you know I mean if. they're at night okay I'm I'm look. you're dating my mom all right I'm. getting you and you're the kid and I'm a. little kid right am I driving and I'm. eight years old yeah we're in the car. together okay thanks thanks Mr Lee for. taking taking me out to dinner tonight.

dad. I can call you Dad yeah. Daddy thank you so much you're welcome. Jim. Clem slim that's your name slim jim slim. jim yeah I'm named after the beef sticks. I don't know yeah where are we going to. for dinner Dad we just ate yeah we just. [ __ ] ate but I eat like a hobbit I. have two dinners every night oh that's. right that's right you're just like your. stepdad yeah we are just alive yeah can.

I be Chinese like you one day uh yeah. yeah yeah you can okay let's practice. all right so take your fingers here I'll. just take the wheel and crash it. I'll tell you my role model whoa. Danny you making this up you sound like. you found it no I'll tell you why I I. paused on the last name you might have. forgot it no it's because. you'll see when I tell the story okay.

so when I was a junior in high school I. um went to this rehab it was my third. one it was called the McDonald's Center. it was in La Jolla like McDonald's the. company the corporation I think so yeah. well yeah yeah okay and um. during one of the sessions like. counseling sessions. I've been to a meetings that I never see. Asians in AAA because at the time you. didn't yeah they just kill them. you're their parents their parents are. like yeah if their parents.

okay yeah okay. right they kill you it's terrible so I. go there are no Asians in a I don't. think there's alcoholics that are Asian. so the next day I get a knock on my I. was in a hospital and one of the. counselors says we have somebody in the. lobby that wants to meet you. and I go in the lobby and there's this. man standing there Korean full Korean. full career full just all the way full. blown yeah we're in the full long white.

hair wow right down the back of his. um pack yeah middle of his back tattoos. to his wrists whoa right he looked like. Mortal Kombat. and he walks up to me and he goes um hey. I'm Dan and I'm your sponsor. yeah and I go and he spoke he was. adopted when he was a um 12 came from. Korea so he knew Korean so he can.

communicate with my parents. right and then Dan uh my senior year the. Poway High School said that I had to do. it an extra year. they go because you missed your whole we. know why. yeah it's not real and Dan goes no no. um he went to the school this guy and. goes what can we do to get him to. graduate with his friends. they go it's hard he has to do a zero. period Lunch Period and night school and. he looks at me and he goes you're doing.

all that. so I did all that and I graduated with. my friends yeah and then um. yeah I mean he took me to this Monastery. and we for two weeks we lived in this. mod I swear to God no I know but I. didn't this part is weird for me. you talk to me. um now you pay me back no because they. would you know because in in the in in. the steps they talk about meditation and. stuff so in this Monastery you're not.

allowed to talk at all you can't talk at. all no one talked for how many days for. like a couple of weeks I think we live. there Rudy's gonna go there yeah yeah. yeah and I remember not talking. meditating. you're like a Buddhist Monastery it. wasn't like a Catholic you know what I. mean and um yeah I just learned all this. stuff from him you know well the reason. why I don't want to see his last name is. because of the AAA thing we'll we'll. blank It Out Just Dance no you can say. Dan and then blank out the last name.

that's fine yeah yeah but um that's. revolutionary what that he changed your. life like that have you ever changed. somebody's life you think oh yeah Ryan. it's your sponsor yeah Brian did say. that yeah I mean there's a lot of people. that I have brought to. my meeting I have a meeting. uh Wednesdays and I've brought a lot of. comics that are struggling there. if I showed up would you be mad yeah why. an alcoholic yes I am no you're not yes. I am.

yes. [Laughter]. you've been swimming about a health. problem you have you almost resort to. texting your group chat to get your. friends opinions why would you do that. when you have ZocDoc yeah come on man we. actually had somebody in our crew who I. won't mention who said to me hey can you. take a look at this thing for me and I. did and I said Carlos everything is. going to be fine that's not that big of. a deal but you shouldn't trust me you. should do ZocDoc thousands of medical. professionals are on ZocDoc they're. there to help you they listen like a. friend and give you the expert care that.

you need not some on educated advice. from your buddy ZocDoc helps you find. expert doctors and medical professionals. that specialize in the care you need and. deliver the type of experience you want. that's right Zac Doc is the only free. app that lets you find in book doctors. who are patient reviewed take your. insurance and are available when you. need them and treat almost every. condition Under the Sun I've used this. many times in fact because I don't want. to go to an urgent care and I don't have. time to make an appointment if it's. something small and I say hey I just. want to speak to someone about something.

minor like when I fell and I hit my head. and Bobby laughed at me I did not laugh. you did laugh but I called doctor thank. God and they helped me get the help that. I needed to eventually have a suggestion. for me to go to the ER the next day go. to zocdoc.com bad friends and download. the ZocDoc app for free then find and. book a top rated doctor today many are. available within 24 hours that's. zocdoczocdoc.com. bad friends zocdoc.com bad friends.

Morgan and Morgan hey Andrew if you were. in a car accident who would you call. Morgan and Morgan of course of course. right. um a lot of people you know you once you. want injury attorneys to be trustworthy. yeah right and this is the a this is. A-list stuff here well here's the best. part about Morgan and Morgan so many. people don't know where to turn or what. to do or where to go uh when they get. into an accident because they're like do. I have insurance does the other person. pay do I have to pay what is going on. and Morgan Morgan takes care of all of.

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who's your who is your um role model. who you hire to be like. not just kid just can't ask but you you. guys no stop it and and so it's not so. like like uh you know Anthony jelsenic. Annie Letterman like these people who've. taken interest in me and kind of grown. me as a comic like I want to be like. that for someone else I yeah and and I. also think your sobriety is like.

motivated me to try to like. be a better person and it's kind of. inspiring that you strive to be better. and she's getting a little she's not. getting sober but she's she's no I see. changing her life I see it a little bit. yeah I'm pacing myself yeah changing a. little bit yeah in a good way when we. had a conversation about it and I said. if you think you need to clean out clean. out there's nothing wrong with that and. you can I say something about you I love. it is you're handling. I mean I've been watching from so far. and you know there was one show we did.

where they were still seating people I. was really tough in the room oh yeah but. you still handle it you know in the most. mature way you're becoming a. professional and um every night you're. just doing so well it is improv it's. impressive and I get to live through you. because Andrew and I are jaded yeah. let's be honest that's true you know. what I mean like sometimes I don't feel. anything yeah you know well the first. part of the tour was so like party party. and it was so fun but this like second.

and third leg of the tour it's like I. just feel really focused I'm just like. eating breathing sleeping like getting. better at stand-ups the best way to do. it coming home doing spots at the store. and like training new door guys and ugh. it's great we don't feel nothing but. what we feel is we love the fans and we. love them no we love it yeah I was being. exaggerated I know I know but here's but. let's be honest you want to be honest I. want to be honest we've been doing it. for a while. the moment when you're on stage. connecting with the fans. nothing it's the greatest thing on my on.

planet Earth yeah and the second you. step off it's like it's I want to go. back on yeah yeah and then the second. it's over or the second where the. morning we're traveling to and all that. stuff. it's you know I we'll never be able to. explain to people at home that listen to. the show that whether they care or not. what the the reason that people have. such highs and lows in our business is. because the highs are so high it's. unexplainable the way you feel it's. crazy it feels fake it feels like.

you're kind of you're riding. the biggest wave ever and it feels like. it's never going to end yeah and it's. it's a little creepy and what it does to. your psyche is something very unique. what what I think is is that you know I. used to have the business try to fix me. so it feels like spiritual because you. know you feel like you know these. dopamine hits and people you know man. going oh you're killing it and you know. you're around cool people this and that.

but you what you realize is that it's. just fake God. fake God yeah it's fake spirituality it. doesn't feel like the real thing I mean. and so whatever what I've had to do is. you know look at my life and go this is. what I do for a living and find. spirituality and find self-esteem and. all these other things that I need. outside of that find find your God yeah. yeah yeah and to really and to think.

that like you know because you know a. lot of my fears are like if I lose you. know you know like when people try to. cancel you and stuff right you feel like. you're gonna lose all these things right. but then it's like you I got to a point. where it's like if those things leave. I'm still gonna be good and that's where. I want to be because of Investments. because of other hotels. is that um.

you're right you're right you're right. you're right I don't know I maybe you. know if I didn't have that maybe I know. the point is yeah you you you got. comfortable you got comfortable with. yourself enough to know that you're. you're always going to be okay. regardless of what life throws at you. well I know who I am and I know you know. how I feel about myself in the world and. um do you know who you are Rudy no and. I'm like can we find you I feel like we. need to help you find yourself but it's. hard because I feel like I don't have. any like interest in anything like get.

interested how old are you though 21. yeah it's so hard dude I didn't find any. interest until I was 23. but it feels. like everyone around me knows who they. are because the everyone around you is. much older and it takes work like I. still I know who I am but I still work. every day like to work on myself and I. promise your peers around you your age. do not know who they are but they it. feels they they know they're all playing. on an act because everybody wants to. feel grown up and everybody wants to.

feel like they've got their life. together but all of us at every age none. of us have our [ __ ] together we're all. fledging through the same [ __ ]. trying to pretend like we know what. we're doing fancy is a new dad. pretending like he's [ __ ] he's got it. figured out he doesn't know [ __ ] that. kid doesn't even [ __ ] like him and he. doesn't even know. we're all falling through Earth we're. falling through life I don't give a [ __ ]. how old you are the oldest person I've. ever met to the young to the young. people were they're all figuring it out. we're all [ __ ] Liars everyone. pretends to be an adult there is no.

adult it doesn't exist we we make. Adultism make it but it's not real we. pretend to be an adult I literally feel. like a kid you are I know I am that's. what's great and that's what's great I'm. not you know 51. I am I feel 51. you do. I feel like I'm much older than you yeah. yeah I used to think everyone on the. inside was like a kid on the inside but. you're not you're a dad I'm a dad yeah. and I'm not a dad but I'm just an old.

man no no because you tap into your. kidness and I do that no so no no I do. you're a kid I know but some but most of. the day I'm the old man in the sea. you're responsible the only responsible. person what do you mean. why because I'm being responsible I had. other engagements right and this is more. important and I canceled a bunch of [ __ ]. because of your fault because you guys. you didn't tell me that I had to work.

tonight right so who's irresponsible a. soccer jersey as well it's his fault can. you do me a favor yeah will you call. your assistant on the show and make up. something insane and see if it'll. actually happen like what just be like. hey I'm gonna need I need you to go oh. no I feel bad go look for Band-Aids and. it's a specific it's it's skin and go. hey I want skin colored Band-Aids. creations. and find them because I know they do do. they make them. hello hey Melanie Hi how are you.

good how are you okay uh not really. um. I was in a car thing. accident. oh no yeah and um I gotta gouge on my. shoulder. oh my God yeah and I need um. skin colored Band-Aids. okay. yellow. if they have Asian ones.

what. do they have them. because if you give people if you give. me black ones I don't want to look like. you know uh. Denzel like what part of my body to look. like Denzel. oh. I'll look maybe if you go to a little. Little Tokyo it's a gouge. yeah. are you okay well I can't feel my right.

side of my body should I go to the. hospital. yes but do you think that they have. yellow yellow Band-Aids. that should be your. cause. you're on the podcast I'm sorry. do you think they make yellow Band-Aids. I love you melody have fun we love you.

I love you bye she's the best you know. why we wanted to see the air we weren't. going to send her on an errand for the. people at home do you have an assistant. no what about a little kid the reason. McCone is more of your assistant let me. tell you something what we did you sent. him on a wild goose chase and it was. kind of [ __ ] hilarious we had to. leave where were we okay this was in. Jacksonville and we were trying to leave. Jacksonville and Bobby said I said where. are you I called I said where are you. dude we gotta we're leaving soon and he.

goes Bobby said he wanted earplugs. really bad. and and Bobby said we I gotta go get. them this kid went to Five Pharmacy. locations yep ubered around town to find. you earplugs yep couldn't find them and. then after not finding them did find. them finally then took an Uber took his. like fifth Uber to a hotel that wasn't. our hotel across the river. and we had to pick him up out front. and I said how did you end up at this. hotel and he goes I didn't know there.

was more than one Marriott in this city. insane I know it's insane he's a little. slow on the upswing did you get what you. pay for. that's the that's that's true that is. the fact that is a fact I want to say. this all right. every Pharmacy has earplugs every single. one yes right Andre not the kind not the. wax kind that you requested every single. one on planet Earth wait a minute the. foam ones yes you're saying waxes if you.

requested wax ones every [ __ ]. pharmacy has a wax one wax is tough it's. not tough I was tough since I was 18. years old I've been using [ __ ] wax. earplugs right I've gone to pharmacies. all over the planet Earth in Thailand. they have it and I found them I got I. got there well don't make it so I went. to nine different places you went to one. place let's call I'm gonna call a. pharmacy see if they have them all right. good I'm gonna call the two around us. let's see let's see if he's right. thank you for choosing Walgreens this is. Christine how can I help you hey Kristen.

this is Marcus I'm looking for I've. terrible I can't sleep at night and I'm. looking for. um earplugs and I've been just scouring. the Earth to find wax earplugs like. beeswax do y'all have wax earplugs. wax earplugs let me check for you sir. thank you. to see. so we'll see because you keep telling me. everybody's got them I don't think. everybody's got them.

we're kind of Walgreens right now just. to find out. I hope they do not call the waxy yeah. they car called where what would they be. called they're called I'm gonna look. them up they're called wax ear plugs no. they're called. um look at that wax your plugs. I got you wax earplugs. oh Loop quiet earplugs that looks nice. they're like silicone now they're waxed. they're moldable silicone is what I.

wanted they're made of wax. okay so we don't we don't carry the wax. ones we carry the foam ones but we're. out of stock that's how Foams are gone. as well wait it's silicone oh what about. silicone is it no just it's just foam. huh. all right just foam but we are out of. stock you're out of everything anyway. everyone's got it everyone needs them in. their ears I guess God damn it thank you.

everyone carries foam yeah not everyone. carries wax but everyone carries let me. say something right now I don't even. believe her I still don't believe it do. you think she's a liar yeah she's a. [ __ ] liar she sounded like a liar. yeah yeah yeah she's a [ __ ] liar she. went like this oh I'll go check yeah she. didn't check there's no way they don't. have it yeah there's no way they don't. have it you'd be surprised no you you're. surprised. yeah you're a [ __ ] liar but you sent. him on a goose chase and I gotta tell. you he was one of the 10 Korean.

commandments so and and the goose chases. will continue. yep no but you are gonna go you are to. continue in fact the 10 Korean. Commandments that he bestowed upon you. one of them was to go get a medial task. and that was go get wax earplugs number. two which you never completed you know. what number two was number two was. getting him a spit cup no no no no no no. that was you know what one of the one. small talk. I [ __ ] hate it this is him how was. your meal. who gives a [ __ ] he did ask you some.

really really [ __ ] stupid stupid. questions and also when I'm not looking. at you stop looking at me look what he's. doing right now yeah I'm at dinner right. and I look over Emma Collins just. looking at me I [ __ ] hate it it's. [ __ ] you know what it's your fault. too you give him caviar you gave him. caviar I [ __ ] it up I already know I. [ __ ] it up thank you again I gave him. [ __ ] I. and then um yeah I [ __ ] you up dude. you should never be like this we did.

[ __ ] you up and I'm sorry about it and I. will say this. it's been amazing having Rudy back in. the studio do we need her back ever. again yeah I'm not sure yes okay yes yes. don't [ __ ] wince at me buddy don't. wince at me I asked you to maybe bring a. story bring a story I said I told you. all the stories on the last episode. what was the story from the last episode. the shooting. what shooting what shooting.

and what the gun is this wait a minute. what shooting story what are you talking. about the guy that threatened to shoot. the school oh yeah great story. you brought trauma to the show not like. hey a cool thing happened to me. there's there's not a story from your. Homeland that you can tell like a. folklore old lore yeah folklore. what about the island isn't there an. island there's so many islands what are. you doing. like this there's seven thousand islands.

I know but isn't one of the islands with. witches and stuff it's not an island. it's part of Cebu and siki [ __ ] is the. name sticky horror hell yeah that was. one of my girlfriend's nicknames. from my home and then when you go there. they say there's a lot of witches and. then that's where you get like like. people to heal you if you're sick or if.

you're feeling like. wait is that kalila. that's a sticky [ __ ] witch wow. by the way she looks like a sticky horse. she's just smoking a blunt dope rap name. yeah yeah sticky [ __ ] witch in this. [ __ ] yeah look at her well well. I'm glad thank you for the information. about Sicky. what's in her hand. probably tell us what that is on her.

hand alcohol and Beads. yeah Carlos knows all too well yeah. you know what you know what for. punishment Carlos what I would like. actually this is fun here's a bit for. the crowd. and I'm dead seriously punishment for. what huh punishment for what pick pick. one. at this point pick one yeah yeah can we. just knock out two at once uh no no okay. no I'm dead serious for the San Diego. show not kidding even a little bit. mm-hmm when you get to San Diego yeah.

when you're on the side stage before we. call you out to say hello yeah. I want you to. put anal beads in your butt and on the. live show Bobby and I are going to rip. them out. okay okay I'm good does that hurt it's. gone or done it juicy we're gonna make. it and I don't want [ __ ] marble anal. beads I want sizable ones and the fun. the deeper it is the funnier it is if.

it's one bead I'm not gonna do one we. gotta here 15. so I have to I have to like clean out my. [ __ ] first right no no okay okay yeah. but I'm dead serious if there's less. than 10 beads in there fired I want the. beads to be white. no no no no no no the beads have to be. white we want to see the difference I'm. just telling you you better be get the. stuffing and I want you should be at. home practicing yeah I was gonna say. after practice Yeah I'm gonna do that. for the first time like.

firecracker. let's try it with Carlos yes. whatever it is yeah would you do that no. why that sounds dangerous Johnny. Knoxville would do it yeah Johnny yeah. don't you want to be like Johnny Knox. don't you want to be Johnny Knoxville. all right fine I would probably that a. boy McCone would do something like that. McCullen we're gonna let a firework in. your [ __ ] that's Korean that's oh. he's down no I think it would blow your. [ __ ] apart well let's do an M80 oh my. God what's an M80 it's a thick it's like. a half a stick of dynamite.

we can Wiley Coyote it on the other side. yeah I think it's a quarter yeah that's. what an animated is so fun dude m80s are. [ __ ] brutal so because they say if. you hold the M80 and you let your handle. blow up yeah of course what do you mean. yeah yeah blow your hand right look at. that thing probably finding an [ __ ]. though yeah for sure well those things. are those things are resilient what. about a Roman candle and then he could. shoot it out of his ass that's what we. should do at the amphitheater in San. Diego's Roman candles out of your butt. because that's not unsafe for the other.

side. let's 100 get those please you can put. the one end in your butt the other end. shoots out obviously San Diego obviously. a fire hazard but I would do it anyway. no we're outside. you know some states are lucky they sell. fireworks California does not yeah it's. illegal here it's illegal you can go to. Nevada right does Nevada have fireworks. yeah but usually like in Compton or. something on Fourth of July you can get. them whoa what are you saying what are. you saying I've got them there on Fourth. of July that's why you go to content for. fireworks I went to Drew League one year.

and it was down there on Fourth of July. and I grabbed fireworks from some black. kids. I paid them why did you have to put the. last part in there yeah yeah why you. have to call them kids yeah not everyone. lives in Compton but yeah no I just want. to add more color to can you imagine how. hard they would roast him you know when. he goes down to Compton no I feel like. he would they would know him what do you. think. ABC. Carlos there come ABC oh you do head. knots I do head knots yeah yeah let me.

see I had not so him and I are um. red light. what's up bro what's up bro yo what up. well I don't think you feel about it. I don't know I'm a little shaky I don't. know where you from dog oh I live in. West Hollywood. are you gay. ah no. no you know because sometimes you don't. ever no we don't know no we don't know. got you no I think gangsters they like. me yeah I think gangster is liking it.

who me I'm pretty sure gangsters like me. let me see if my what Up's good you guys. are a hardcore gang you too yeah yeah. you are. what oh you look nervous that's what you. know because they were confused that's. what happens they try to you're gonna. say something you're the gang no we. don't we're the gang you're supposed to. say it no because we said stay in. character oh yeah yeah what's up. what up.

I just asked you what's up. how's my what up okay oh sorry who's. this. you have a gun no it's just my fingers. I'm just pointing at him oh yes brah. brah you mute. bruh yeah she asked you a question. he just went to mine School dog. there he is that's pretty good actually.

so should we stab these guys. all right everybody thank you thank you. for being a bad friend. [Music].