Marrying Harry Styles with a Rooster Ring | Ep 102 ft. Chris Distefano | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends you are these. two idiots. why dude i'm an asian dude. you two are disgusting. well you two or something we're bad. friends. are your levels good you sound good i i. sound good i feel good. friends. bad new friends bad new friends it's a. brand new. bad new friends white friends white. friends. white. friends.

we started asian hate yes. we did we started it we did we want to. bring back the campaign we do. bobby's gone. listen hopefully for good. let's be real with the fans okay here's. what's going on. bobby and i. got into a little quarrel. about where to shoot bottoms of turtle. island he went out on his own. and he is island. shopping and i mean this he's looking to.

buy an island okay. he's searched the caribbean or the. caribbean as you people call it yeah and. owners call it owners and he's looking. for an island and he's looking to shoot. um somewhere next year in the fall maybe. so bobby's going to be gone for a couple. of weeks okay so what did i do what'd. you do. hello hey chris hey andrew it's the red. cockade hi kids i'm on the phone with. the devil.

i need you to come to the studio okay. and to be my co-host for an episode or. two ooh okay um ten thousand episodes. sound good you. got it. bobby's in rehab. druggie he's a real drug druggie what. can we say we know you guys knew it he's. the love of our life and i love him so. much and and one of my best friends on. earth and he's in rehab and you know. what you're not comfortable talking. about it because people have addictions. and people have problems we have. problems we got problems we got problems. we got problems i uh i was here in la.

the truth stories i was here in l.a for. something else and i was walking past. the 7-eleven and bobby was asleep. outside of it and i called you and i. said uh we got a problem we got a. problem so i gave him a go-go taquito on. the slurpee and we put him in we put him. in a nice church fan up to rehab and. then i came right here he's at a. religious facility. it's called christ first. um yeah. and uh it's that guy you know that guy. from youtube was like jesus christ it's. him it's his facility yeah and he's.

getting people clean. and uh bobby's gonna get uh a clean. sweep and a new lease on life yes. because we want him to live forever i. don't like man's no more yeah i'm not. gay no more that's his that's his guy. that's his guy that's his pastor by the. way. look up the average lifespan of a south. korean because north koreans got to be. longer because they do it good up there. yeah let's say average lifespan of a. south korean. 83 years that's pretty good do you think. bobby will make it nope oh look at this. george wants to give you a gift.

this is um thinking oh this is from did. you is this the ball gag you guys put in. my mouth when uh you put the pubes in it. wow do you have sex toys at home. no jasmine has sex toys that um she i i. think she uses them she never used them. with me and i think she uses them on. herself or uh my little daughter seven. month old violet i don't i think it's. the carpenter who does work in our house. i think it's his child. i gotta i got some we have sex toys but. i got a rooster ring you know really.

yeah rooster ring what's a rooster right. it's a nice way of saying [ __ ] ring okay. i got a rooster ring and it. vibrates and you can put it on top of. your of your slang and it uh. on her ding dong or. you flip it upside down. and it massages your cojones. and. yeah so you can put it on top for once. it's for her for him for her and for him. my friend is a police officer. my friend's a police officer in new york.

and he texted the group chat the other. day and he goes guys i just came from a. call you know a doa you know the guy was. dead there he a guy died had a heart. attack sitting in his computer with tidy. whities down around his ankles blasting. gay porn with a [ __ ] ring around his. [ __ ]. and he just had a heart attack and he. said like his wife like he has a full. wife and kids they just weren't home so. it's like the guy was just ripping gay. porn with a cocktail you tell him what. do you do you tell the wife you're a cop. me and you we walk in on a guy yeah. right we walk in on george obviously yes.

who's got a big old thick [ __ ] ring the. fact that carlos isn't gay is. mind-blowing by the way he is they all. are yeah. he is gay he's just not allowed to be it. for his father you know when his dad. dies he'll be able to do whatever it is. oh same with me how old's your pop. um. 64. oh dude he's in the thick of it nice. because everything is gay now he's like. what are you gonna paint your nails. you're gay gay hurtling insult where's. your dad from uh mexico city oh oh my. the most homophobic city it yeah mexican.

that's the thing it's like everyone. shits on whites the most racist. homophobic people i've ever met in my. life are non-white people non-white yeah. look up look up look up what's the most. homophobic city in the united states. let's see who hates the gays the most. i'm going to say mexico city's got to be. weighed in in the united states or in. the world in the world i'm sorry in the. world mostly yeah yeah because the most. homophobic city in the united states is. boston 20 most dangerous place 22 yeah. it is 100. get out of here dude what your [ __ ]. [ __ ] rings in your butt plugs [ __ ] your. [ __ ] [ __ ] quack sackers all. right this is the 20s most dangerous. places to live for homosexual uh men and.

i'll tell you what's not nigeria number. one i would say that's just dangerous. place to live period period period i'm. surprised it's not something in the. middle east oh. yes there you are yeah yeah coming. through yeah i'm in big saudi boom. before tanzania taking it back iran i. guess why people aren't the problem. though why people are the same here we. go we still haven't hit us soon you. haven't hit us no malaysia no these are. all tourist destinations but we don't. live in zambia st lucia oh saint louis. beautiful island though uh uganda uganda.

pakistan. west bank and the gaza kenya maldives. jamaica ethiopia egypt let me stop you. right there 20. i haven't i haven't seen. brooklyn i didn't see queens ready for. this let's go to the top five safest. places for lgbtq gays number one sweden. then canada white norway white portugal. kind of spanish. spanish white belgium belgium waffles. i mean i mean so the fed but we're the. enemies where the enemy vote republican.

only way to fix this. by the way you know what we should get. we should get more caitlyn jenners in. public office because you want. gay republicans yes if you really want. to mix up the system you got to get gay. republic now she's against gay marriage. which is the weirdest thing i've ever. heard about it's very strange i think. she i don't know if she flipped back but. for a long time she was against gay. marriage meet the gay republicans this. is a good article see but there should. be more gay republicans well i think a. lot of them flip the stigma dude yeah. well uh isn't the guy um with the eye. patch gay.

that guy who's the ipad. no he's not getting crenshaw or. something like that dan crenshaw i. thought that's why he got a [ __ ] in the. eye. [Laughter]. was it like was it a friendly fire. wasn't he shot by he was trying to says. yeah he's friendly well that is friendly. fire yeah hey dan. no he's not he's not gay but i do think. there should be more gay republi just to. mix it up i'm sick of the same old same. old yeah what about there's a mixture on. the nfl. there's a lot of gay men in the end but. there's one open gay guy isn't he on the.

rams. oh he's on the raiders he's on that. raiders yeah because pirates. why was that why would why would why did. butt pirate become a thing where did. that come from what pirate maybe um. because pirates seem to be not gay they. seem to be like. didn't they like loot and rob and rape. and pillage yeah like a hiney pirate. maybe because you're going like butt to. butt you're on the 7c. no they no they wouldn't sleep. butt-to-butt. they'd sleep penis to butt this year i'm. saying as a pirate would go poor support.

you're going butt to butt you're a tiny. pirate um but where does butt pirate. come from what's that rudy uh what does. it say a rudy queer man who likes to ram. his schooner into another man's glory. hole well that's just fun to say i guess. yes that's just nautical talk um there. seems to be a lot of urban definitions. for it no origin oh he's trying to say. black and he's just afraid to say hey. baby rudy's here come on in let's give. it up for the room hey rudy how you. doing rudy. um are those kanye west boots.

those are dope put your mic up to your. face we got started without you but. we're happy that you're here. does rudy know what's going on it's her. young years it's too much. does really know what's going on she the. house she lives in is with the guy that. we're yeah so you know okay do you know. okay let's ask. rudy. do you know that uncle bobby went to. rehab you know tito went to rehab. yesterday yeah so of course you know she. lives there okay you know what you know. she's she acts innocent she's 40. you're. a 40. you're a 40 year old filipino man.

[Laughter]. oh hey rudy what's up how did you learn. tomorrow. anything good. um i didn't go to school. oh. what. i switched classes and i just didn't go. to school because george what what the. [ __ ] is going on uh she did not report. back to me this information. i like this it's a little sneaky snake. she's out what were you up to then. what'd you do when you didn't go to. school i was trying to watch casino.

the movie casino you watched it yeah wow. my favorite you like it i'm so proud of. you it was okay um what why so one of. the greatest movies of all time. what what didn't you like about casino i. like that there were a lot of like. stabbing yeah. killing. a lot of angry men yeah angry men you do. you like that you like angry men. sometimes like. andrew yeah. that's my thing. so wait the stabbing you liked what. would you have a favorite scene do you.

remember one scene that you liked i just. like what's his name robert de niro i. just like that he was. giving. um. ginger a lot of jewelries i like that. right the whole movie that's that's your. favorite part that's it. um that that she gets a lot of jewelry. what's your favorite movie of all time. i don't know don't ask me she hates. those questions you can't do that but do. it again and do it more okay how about. this not okay what is your favorite.

movie with an asian american earth and. asian lead of all time who's your. favorite asian actor or actress gently. who's your favorite asian. stupid tito bobby really. he's your favorite asian of all time. yeah i guess he's up there for a lot of. people's favorite asian i mean he's up. there that's an interesting question. like i wonder if you posed who's your. favorite asian on twitter if a lot of.

people would say bobby lee i would say. mine are um lisa ling love yao ming. love it's got a rhyme now. okay chango bling chingo bling. uh sing-sing but my overall favorite. asian is kim jong-un yeah he's the best. number one you like kim jong-un. isn't he either president of. north korea he's the leader they don't. have parents i think he's the big dog. he's the big papa yeah he's an actor yes.

yes he is he's acting like uh. he acting like he doesn't want to kill. everybody all the time but he does. acting like he might not bomb us all but. he's gonna that's where bobby really. want he defected back home to north. korea imagine how funny imagine they. loved him i could see that kim jong-un. loving him kim jong-un loved he loved. dennis rodman who else went up there. didn't steven seagal go up there or. something like that probably there was. another famous guy that went up there. and they loved him um rudy what class. were you supposed to be at today.

chemistry oh you want to have a what do. you want to do i'm talking about some. periodic table of elements you want to. you want to uh gold. fe what is f e. f e is iron. uh he didn't even know that. no you didn't know that i did no fe no. fe is um is one of my favorite asians um. who what is gold. yeah ag is easy because i like ag um. what is um barium.

oh a or br ba or br i think br is barium. but i'm not really sure. yo ba baby girl got it do you want to. work at somewhere in. like what well i don't i don't. understand what the point of chemistry. and these classes are at your age at 20. years old why would you need to know. chemistry because my major is biology. and in biology you need to take. chemistry your major is biology i've. never known that i like it i thought i i. that's i thought you were doing. something with animals.

yeah yeah she's dissecting them are you. just killing them you're slicing them up. i want to do that i did that i was a. physical therapist so i had to go. through all that class i dissected uh. gerbils rats cats humans. how come you had so many gerbils on hand. [Laughter]. chris chris yes and we all want to thank. chris in class for bringing home the. gerbils to stay safe with him yes and. they come back very excited.

and very wise for some reason like they. can figure out anything they can know. how to they don't want to get around and. they're all they're all a new coat of. brown um did i ever tell you do you know. people put gerbils in their butt. no this is a real thing yes. ah because it just gets in there and. rummages around and kind of hits the. prostate a lot and you know it's it's a. nice orgasm because you're you're in. your. your tush inside of your tush is amazed. pretty similar to what they run them. through for testing. do you know your butthole is a maze.

really yeah your bottles are made you. know how your you know everyone has an. individual ear every ear canal looks. different your butthole looks like that. inside. and they used to have dribble butthole. races and you let them go at the same. time. you shoot a little gun and they. and may run around your little butthole. and they have to go touch your prostate. and then. and then run all the way back out sure. how do you know they touch the process. because you oh you because you come. everywhere. yeah that's why. that's why yeah you see like um. a lot of nurses you know they wear that.

face shield coven a lot of them were. gerbil butthole racers 100 judges i saw. a nurse on the flight uh by the way what. a crazy weekend i want to talk about. whoa crazy but i saw a nurse on the. flight and she was wearing um scrubs you. know what scrubs are yeah. and why did i ask you like you're like. you wouldn't know what scrubs are uh of. course some people wouldn't she didn't. know what um. what what she didn't know what um she's. very something was was before no no no. it's not i know she's very intelligent i. know you're very intelligent it's just. sometimes it's a it's a youth thing yeah.

we might have a different word like if. my dad used to say don't park by the. johnny pump i was like what the [ __ ]. the johnny pump but it's a fire hydrant. is that what they call it a johnny pump. johnny pump my dad calls a fire hydrant. johnny pump was you with tampa tony this. past weekend i was with tampa tony this. past weekend he was wearing diabetic. socks uh the girls loved him he took. about 50 pictures and now he has a slide. coffin body ache so oh see what happens. he's got roney rhones he might have it. but he said he doesn't give a [ __ ] he. had a good time and did he get vast yeah. he got vacs he got the boosted his uh my.

stepmother made him my stepmother told. him it was a flu shot oh yeah yeah. that's how that's how we should be. suckering people together yeah she said. it was it's a flu shot yeah how will. they ever know no that's what he could. you know he just my dad's one of those. guys they have that relationship she'd. been my stepmom 35 years ago my dad. doesn't do like the paycheck just goes. to her like my dad does nothing she just. calls him she feeds him he just shows up. and said what are we doing you know so. she brought him to the doctor and he was. like she was like you need to get at. least get your flu shot and then she had. told the doctor before don't tell him. this is the covet back right or hill's.

never going to get it so they just. [ __ ] did it. i'm going to tell you that's a pretty. efficient way of getting it done yeah. did you get the booster. did you feel sick. yeah i was really i had a headache sore. and yeah. did you get it the booster yeah no. no because i had the shot and i had. kovid yeah and i think it was too close. to i think i'm up official i think i'm. uh what is it called i'm like um. eligible for it now in the month of. january yeah now i'm eligible for it i'm. eligible in march. yeah because you get the second shot was.

yeah yeah i mean i don't know if i want. to get the. the boost man yeah did you guys boost up. mm-hmm didn't do anything to me yeah but. you can also i got the booster uh two. weeks before i got covered. really yup yeah so yeah i remember we. ate dinner and he called me he was like. by the way i have did you get call of it. bad were you really sick. uh nah it wasn't that bad you know. there's an article online about people. that men are losing penis size because. of covid i don't believe it though look. it up no no i no i've seen the article. but you believe it yes anything on the. internet is believable but how could you. lose penis size i think that said.

something about. skin shrinkage like your skin is. deteriorating well that's when you got. to get warts. well you got warts throw skin back oh i. call it extra skin layers yeah like i'm. like a rainbow cookie coronavirus. lingers in penis and could cause. impotence so that's why. cause i've been i've i've i've really. been actually having uh well you haven't. gotten. about 15 years it's been very tough to. get around. you know jasmine's very beautiful puerto. rican but i just it's like i'm just. mashing it up a softy right up against.

it's very embarrassing how do you feel. about puerto ricans do you know any. puerto ricans no i don't have any. friends no puerto rican friends do you. have any you have any um. mexican island friends cubans i would. think the philippines spanish i should. say not mexican they're the puerto. ricans so racist would filipinos be the. puerto ricans of asia would the king of. china be like the the puerto ricans are. the philippine. like the king of spain would say the. puerto ricans are the puerto ricans and. i wonder if the king of china would say. the puerto ricans are the filipinos is. there a king of china no but you know.

there feels like that feels like it is. the emperor whatever his name jijonpin. oh zhang jijwan. i want to go to china so bad just to see. the uh they don't want you there why no. you don't want to go to china why no. they got pandas in the wild they yeah. that's true but you do not want to go to. china not right now because you're. muslim and then what they're doing is. they're taking muslim people what do you. mean i can pray there no but they're. shaving their heads in certain provinces. and putting them on trains into. concentration camps out of the europe. dead you know i mean you look as muslim. as anyone i've ever seen.

well i didn't take up muslim and. muslimity until very recently but i've. been thinking about it i've been always. thinking man i got to be a muslim some. at some point. and you're still christian catholic baby. catholic and i'm back at church see it's. one of those things where like people go. how could you go back to church with all. this stuff going on the priest i said. that's why i'm going back i'm looking. for some [ __ ]. you were an altar boy weren't you oh yes. i was shout out father bill there was a. couple of times father. father.

did he get in trouble yet he didn't but. it was funny on the way me and my and. couple of my friends who went to uh the. grammar school that i went to in high. school i went to there was a big article. that came out in the new york times that. uh exposed like a hundred parishes in. the new york city area and like 200. priests and we i was read we were. reading that list with our hearts like. that like i wonder if one of us god i. wonder if one of them got us one of one. of them got us and then there was one. priest that we all knew and yeah what's. his name uh father bill and oh the. father. yeah and then and then we were all like.

whoa and and it was me and my three. other friends and then one of my friends. made believe you had to take a well you. know we didn't know this at the time but. he said you know he took a phone call. he's like and then he never came back i. was like ooh i think he got him no [ __ ]. well but you know you make fun of him. it's what friends are for he's dead by. the way yes he's killed himself from. alcoholism well what are you gonna do. what can you do you gotta hide it. somehow you got clipped i know that's so. weird that you said grammar school my. mother says that too but i said. elementary school do you know what. grammar school is no do you call it. elementary school mm-hmm yeah see did. you grow up in the in the philippines.

yeah she's still there now. she's not here oh that's right you're in. the philippines yeah she's in the. philippines this is broadcasting from. the philippines uh she moved here only. how many years ago two years ago yeah i. told you i don't know if i said this the. last time but when i was a physical. therapist i worked with a lot of. filipino people there a lot of them are. physical therapists. and they're so good because out of all. the asians they have the smallest hands. they do that's a that's a fact google's. people have the smallest hands she has a. right that's a regular-sized hand no.

filipino people have the smallest hands. that's why they're very good at massages. because they can get in the vertebrae. because they have little baby hands. so filipinos have very very small hands. so what race has the smallest hands what. race has the smallest hands what do we. think i i mean filipinos see malaysia. philippines. relative lengths. of hand size do black people have bigger. hands in any race yeah they have to yeah. they got it they have to they have to. have the biggest hands and the biggest. feet not the biggest penises though who. do you think has the biggest penises um.

i truthfully in my heart believe that i. think the biggest the biggest penises um. are from um uh uh. irish people you think irish people no. they're like it's a classic that they. have small penis irish people i bet okay. we all know that black google this. please we all know that most likely that. the african nation of africa probably. has the men with the the biggest penis. size who has the biggest balls is what. oh really way more interesting because. that's more interesting because that's. not necessarily black men what do you. think has the biggest balls rudy.

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both. smallest balls and smallest girth. unfortunately now what does it matter if. you have big balls does it mean anything. if you have big balls i i would think. that it would mean i would think a woman. would look at a man's testicles and the. bigger the better because i think it. might subconsciously tell her there's. more sperm in there higher chance to get. me pregnant which is what subconsciously. just sex is yeah i know but look at at. the gym that i go to i see guys shower. sometimes i see guys with massive. massive balls and really small penises. so that's an offset.

that can't nobody wants. huge balls with a small penis you'd. rather have regular balls in a regular. penis what i have that's unfortunate is. i have uh i have. relatively. small testicles but a huge sack you're. so you got to get so much gum down it's. just so much skin yeah it's so much. excess did you ever stretch it over your. hand like a watch you know you know guys. that could do that in high school no no. did you ever stretch it over you could. pull it over your wrist could you guys. you know what i'm talking about yeah. somebody puts you can you do it carlos i. feel like i can actually you have big.

enough balls yeah oh that's nuts rudy. come on cut it out being gross sometimes. i'll wake up in the middle of night and. jasmine has my sack she's using like a. blanket like a snug it's a snuggie. that's a love sack yeah it's a bean bag. my nuts are bean bag um i just would. rather not have huge balls in a really. small penis because i see guys in the. gym sometimes and they're older guys. because your balls just never stop it's. like your ears nose and your balls no. i'll tell you what i know you probably. don't know this but i'm being dead. serious i know he's a close friend of. yours but there's no way in hell travis. kelsey doesn't have a huge [ __ ] with.

huge balls there is no possible way yeah. he doesn't have at least eight with i. would say maybe his testicles might hang. ten eleven inches we measured yet the. other day you are you seen it yeah i. went to his house i was at his house. literally after the game yesterday we. measured see that voss bottle yes that's. about that's about oh the length and the. girth uh uh soft. wow yeah. so does he have kids. no not yet because it's i was gonna say. it's gonna be hard to impregnate because. you kill every woman you have sex with. yeah he does he's killed about 13 yeah.

yeah yeah it's insane yeah he's the best. i love him to death and the great win. for the kansas city chiefs i got a lot. of hate online was. dude if one of your good buddies was a. hall of fame tight end yeah and was. going into playoffs you'd go and root. for them too because that's fun to do. yeah my father's the biggest yankees fan. of all time like die hard yankees fan uh. he there was a show that i was doing in. the city once and it was host being. hosted by david ortiz my dad was there. in the front row like a little [ __ ]. girl yeah salivating waiting to just get.

a picture with david ortiz yeah because. we love. i love the sports i just love sports. yeah i love the sports what am i going. to tell kelsey it's like shut up these. people are idiots they're idiots no but. if they were like oh fair weather fan. you're like okay so i shouldn't go have. fun. so my career. in a place to where i have friends with. nfl athletes and i shouldn't go to their. home after they just got to the afc. championships insane it's so dumb you. remember did you guys stay out till five. o'clock in the morning i j we partied. until i had to leave my my flight. literally left this morning i left. kansas city at 6 00 6 33 a.m.

your flight left i landed in la at 9am. so you had to be on the plane be at the. airport by 5 30. yeah i literally went. from the house to the hotel grabbed my. [ __ ] and went to zero zero not one. second of sleep in kansas city after the. game no i probably i mean i was packing. i probably slept on the plane two hours. of the three hour and twenty minute. flight did you did you i'm buzzing right. now buddy yeah well all the guys and i. lost my voice you can hear how long did. they stay at kelsey's house everybody.

was there for a long time kelsey's the. party house. i mean it was last night yeah it was. awesome was uh patrick mahomes. was his brother there. uh his brother was in the suite was in. their suite and then they came over to. say his brother the people yeah but but. his his wife came brittany came and uh. he pat can't hung out for a long time. and then he left and then. trav and everybody were playing beard. just drinking did coach andy reed come. or no and he really stopped by really i. buy you a cheeseburger.

can you imagine i wonder what a coach. like andy reid does when he's done when. he wins something like that where does. he go. uh just a guy like an energy i think he. probably goes to a denny's yeah yeah. just hangs out yeah i think he goes. through denny's maybe he just i think he. probably puts on the local news he's the. walrus man he's the boss that guy's that. guy's the [ __ ] i i he what does he look. like to you what kind of guy does he. look like rudy like does that guy look. like a a sweet white guy an angry white. guy a cool. pedophile okay okay interesting all. right yep he do you think he does. yeah yeah why is it the way he's holding.

the football what is it. look at that always he's saying gib shen. send over one kid what is that. no he's not he's a sweet smart wonderful. man he you lost a ton of weight says. that about everybody she said that about. carlos she said carlos looks like oh i. didn't see him yes he does carlos does. he looks like a creep carlos but that's. the irony is carlos looks more. pedophilic. carlos like this but then when he takes. his hat off it's bad what do you oh he's. looks more more like look you've never. seen him with all this earlier is that a.

word look at this. oh yeah okay how about now how about now. wait hold on hold on. is it on camera. all right how about now now put now. against andy reid beautiful the. wonderful walrus and this man who do you. think come on by looking at the camera. because it's a bit scary carlos is a bit. scary. but now put a hat on put a hat on and. normal sweet guy yeah there it is take. it off take it off hide your kids yeah. put the hat back on. hide your wife.

[Laughter]. this guy a babe magnet dude out when he. took his hat off at the trash tuesday. podcast i almost fell out of my [ __ ]. chair and why don't you buzz it no. uh i like it i think it's funny can i. try to do it i do it is but can i tell. you confidence you know why because. you're a you have a handsome face yes. because you have very nice eyes and you. have a very handsome face so it doesn't. even matter you pull it off and i've. seen ari shafir grow his hair out like. same thing and it looked it's because. it's so or a guy stavros yeah i love. stavros because it's so funny so insane.

and i think a woman looks at it's like. this dude is so confident he must have a. huge [ __ ] and i'm going to blast. yeah but are you single right now yeah. the young man is out on the prowl so. ladies uh write in to uh uh give me that. give me that beefybald at gmail.com and. we'll try to set you up to date with. carlos are you interested in going on. some dates with yeah sure some of the. field yeah open it up dude. you might as well you know. because otherwise one day you're gonna. turn around you're gonna flip around. you've got. two kids with puerto rican and you know. you're living in staten island and.

you're. floating away what it is you got your. cholesterol's at about 280. i need my. second divorce so let's get did you get. divorced you knocked out one yeah oh. and you're a young guy what happened. just didn't work out we should have just. probably been how long into the marriage. did you know you [ __ ] up. like a minute like four years i would. say. wait wait a minute uh are you guys are. still cool though right no she lives in. portland now it didn't end well well i. mean like we i thought we were cool and. then i.

looked at her instagram like. a year and a half. after our divorce like i didn't look at. all right and i saw she was at all of. andreas santino's comedy shows yeah. front front row with her tits out. you know what's funny is i thought that. that was gonna be the case she was gonna. be like partying and stuff and like. going out with rock stars or whatever. yeah she's been in a relationship like. the whole time um she just had a baby. ooh that hurts last week that stings a. little bit did you congratulate her on. the baby of course not no yeah what if. they named the baby carlos how [ __ ].

what oh my god. that's. it's a good name. does that bother you a little bit that. she has procreated with someone else. i'll tell you this it's so weird but it. did not bother me at all not even a. little bit no i was so excited to tell. my therapist like. every time i was like oh she has a. boyfriend i don't care it's weird she. has a baby she's pregnant whatever i. never care it's funny like he comes into. his therapist with his hair and his head. like that and she's like it doesn't. bother. me at you. she's like would you like some. medication.

xanax. do you like carlos more or less now that. you've seen him without a hat on yeah i. like him more see. wow. because he got a sweet smile. you got a really nice smile and you've. all and you've always had like a nice. sweet face i think that's what's that's. what it is though it's like people don't. even see it they just see your beautiful. little scenes now did you swap out. carlos with fancy because they're like a. spaniard first time he got uh extradited. spain for for what did he do for well he. had sex crimes. yeah you know what's interesting fantasy.

i think he was what was he doing george. it was like somebody he was like. shipping old ladies across borders you. know how they you know they say like. you'd see those signs at airports that. are like hey if you're tr uh it's a. human trafficking yeah you know and like. whatever please report it this guy was. taking geriatric human trafficking to a. whole new level he would alzheimer's. patients alzheimer's patients this guy. he would trick alzheimer's patients. into he'd be like no no we're going to. see your kids i'm your cousin i'm. remember and they're like oh my cousin. and he would trick these old women and. he'd pimp them out he's been pimping old.

men and women for about four or five. years you know what's so [ __ ] weird. is because when i was here the last time. you know when i was with i was with my. kids fancy dropped us off you know we. went to the market and dropped us off. and then we were unloading the car and. he goes hey do you guys mind if i take. one of those boxes of diapers. and i was like what did he need what do. you want diapers for he was like i just. you know i just. would you just mind that it's kind of. for a bit but now it makes sense he was. using them for this small elderly people. that fit into yep my kids diapers 100.

and they caught him i think they got 67. or 68 cases of fancy babies where did he. go do we not know he's spain he got. extradited to spain to spain to espana. they wanna they're and they're they're. charging him with crimes against. geriatric humanities so he's in trouble. dude who knows if he'll come back i know. i'm gonna miss him yeah yeah can't get. him back. i mean look if you want to go to okay so. we got a letter the other day asking us. who wants to go uh testify on his behalf. and george and bryce myself all said. no thank you i'm not going to go to. court to fight for this guy who's been.

human trafficking people that are 65 and. up i thought you liked him i do but do. you want to go to court for him. yeah you're willing to go to court for. fans. wow what what is what's the reason if. he's if he's trafficking old women and. men and men. they're old. they are gonna die and the k she's right. yeah do we really care about the elderly. here's the gallery. let him leave. yeah you're right they are old they are.

your oldest person that you know. my. grandma how old is she. she's. 75. you're great that's like my parents. that's so funny oh it's crazy yeah my. dad's like 77. 75 that's it that's she's. she's young and she probably looks young. doesn't she. the islanders bro they live forever i. know i know the island just that's my. favorite hockey team no it's not yes it. is what do you what do you think the. diet is that makes everyone the island. people live so long is it rice and.

pineapples and stuff fish a lot of fish. a lot of fish you guys don't eat a lot. of bread no real sweets right there's no. desserts in the asian culture um yeah. they're ready no no but nothing like. deep starchy sugary it's like fruit. desserts wait a minute don't call it. look at it it's the average age of the. philippines 71 years so by the way it. seems better to live in north korea than. it does the philippines north koreans. lasted how long 83 23. south korea was 83. oh sorry okay so. north korea has got to be way longer no. it's slower oh. what's the average i wonder why. who's the longest lifespan is it the.

japanese oh it's got to be like the. swedish or something the sweat swiss or. something you know what i mean one of. the no i think it's i think it's japan i. bet it comes from treating the lgbtq. community well i bet it does too hong. kong no dude no they hate they hate. these guys are all bigots japan is too. you see switzerland i said switzerland. number three i was right in singapore. four. interesting. yeah look at this we're not even in the. top ten what year do you wanna die at if. you perfectly what age would you like to. diet perfect would you do a thing if you. could both questions for everybody would.

you do a thing right now if you said. you're going to die at this age but you. might if you picked it though you're. going to live to that age but it doesn't. matter you could be a paraplegic you're. going to stay alive to that age. 100 100 on the nose i just think there's. something cool about dying at a hundred. you lived a century you ready for this. my grandmother died on her 100th. birthday. she died at about four o'clock in the. morning. four hours into 100th birthday and when. you turn 100 you get a card from the. president so she got a card she's the.

only person in history we believe she. accidentally got a card from president. ronald reagan on her 99th birthday. saying congratulations to being 100 and. then she got the second card on her. 100th birthday that you know my family. opened what like right before her. funeral so she has two cards from. president ronald reagan different dates. saying you know congratulations you have. these cards where my mother has them. yeah wow i was like i said to my mom and. said i don't think there's anybody like. that might be like a guinness record. that's my credit that's the only thing i. could do this next guy coming to the.

stage uh you've seen him on podcasts his. grandmother lived to be a hundred got a. letter from the president chris. yeah. come see me i never heard of that that. the president sends you a letter i don't. know if it still happens but that they. got a letter. probably stop with obama yeah. now you get a [ __ ] email. imagine how much you haven't even. bothered a set you know what you know. what you know bubba don't even say you. send your email they don't even write. letters no more [ __ ] them all i um oh. look at that does the president send you. a letter on your 100th birthday no. the president does not call.

birthday another green scene oh you can. you can request you can request a. birthday my family requested. where have we been. dude maybe my you know my grandfather. great grandfather fought in world war. one and he used to tell stories about. world war one that were nuts there's a. documentary called they shall not grow. old that peter jackson who directed uh. lord of the rings he colorized and put. words into like had lip syncing experts.

take this old world war one footage and. colorized it and made like the real. thing dude it was. out of control you know my grandfather. used to say this he says a lot of guys. would die in the toilet and i was like. what do you mean i remember being like. 12 years old he was like yeah guys would. die in the toilet like they'd be so weak. that their heads would just fall into. the toilet and like they were drowned in. you know [ __ ] and pissed and then they. said that word for word pretty much in. the documentary like a common way to die. because they were all dying of dysentery. dysentery. so they said they had no energy so.

something would happen where they would. just fall into a toilet and then that's. it look at don de pettis here oh you pig. perv pig perf speaking of pedophile here. look go go a little bit closer uh how. about this idiot does he look like a. pedophile. what do you think. a little bit yeah. yeah but is it worse than carlos yeah. who's worse no i like carlos we like. carlos we like carlos we like her this. guy look at this guy this guy gave me. covet. he did he gave me covet the first time. he's the one he's the one done that's.

his legend is that he gave me coal. that's what i bring up onto stages we're. doing the agora theater in cleveland is. this guy gave santino covent yeah but. you know what no one else really got it. no one else really got it was the show. in kansas city by the way so it turned. out okay the theater had a great time st. louis kansas city was so fun man i had a. great time those those midwest people. came out in droves man and the theaters. were really nice you're did you you're. do you did them doing them i'm not doing. st louis in kansas city i'm doing um the. warner theater in washington dc on mar. on february 11th and on february 12th. the tabernacle oh you're doing it.

yeah and then agora theater and uh royal. oak theater in michigan uh in detroit. agora and cleveland march fourth and. fifth those i heard are fun those i. heard are fun are you doing those. and then guess what me and you are doing. great green bay wisconsin we're doing. green bay wisconsin march. 24 4 uh march 23rd three march 23 greek. march 24th i'm at the win in las vegas. march 25th you're at the win in las. vegas wait i thought it was march 26th. okay so i'm march 25th at the you're.

right i mean it doesn't really matter. march 24th i do want to look it up we. are playing green bay you've never been. to wisconsin i've never been to. wisconsin so we are co-headlining. together you and i at the weidner center. on march 24th and then march 25th i am. at the win in las vegas and march 26th. andrew santino's at the win in las vegas. just make it a chrissy santino weekend. look at us chrissy tino weekend chrissy. tino at the what the wiener center yeah. what did they name it the weed nurse. center i don't know it's pretty stupid. you know we got to do we got to reach. out to somebody let because it's going. to be the off season they got to take us.

over to uh lambeau field too i've never. stepped foot inside have you we got to. go you been we got to go you saw did you. say the bad snap did you see the bears. play there no who'd you see play there. nobody i never oh you're never outside. i've never been inside how did you wind. up getting to green bay did you do a. show over there once no one time i went. to green bay to go visit a family friend. uh girl. no no no this is like an older woman an. older what were you doing andrew you. know i want no one. i was kidnapping her to take her back to. fancy b that perv he's like i need some.

green bay [ __ ] for me for my list. foreign my buddy's aunt uh and i got to. go see it from the outside but i've. never been in i've never been in a game. up there never been i would love to do. we got to reach out we're at the wiener. center and tell tell them. come on over hey yeah we should bring. rudy you want to go to green bay rudy's. checked out. what do we do there. okay the attitude what do you mean well. there's there's breweries that you can. drink at 18 there you go there you go. a lot of big white men look how nice the.

weather is it's 11 11 degrees outside. there's cheese curds you like cheese. curds what are those a lot of. constipated men show her what cheese. cards are you never seen them no they're. like. little nuggets of cheese you put on. fries with gravy what about that tell me. that doesn't look she likes it yeah you. like fatty food they squeak when you eat. them. don't you think he seems the most. pedophilic now after that they squeak. when you eat them they squeak when you. go get your van. that should be a salad that's how you. know a good cheese curd it's fresh if it.

squeaks well it kind of does it does. make a little poppy sound it does have a. little sound i don't love them to be. honest with you you don't like chocolate. i love cheese cards i don't hate them. but i don't love them do you like. poutine you know the canadians they do. cheese curds and gravy and cheese. grosses me out get out of town i ca i'll. tell you what i can't eat cold cheese i. can only eat warm cheeses. and cheese. you can't have shredded cheese on a taco. that i can eat sometimes but like if if. there was a cold cheese platter i would. not take a bite out of any of it you're.

nuts chop cheddar you don't want to put. a little sharp cheddar on a cracker zero. i've never i don't think i've ever eaten. that once in my entire life i'm stunned. stunned right i do not like a cheese. board you know something and my buddy in. maine maybe it's maine no vermont my. buddy from vermont he puts a slice of. sharp cheddar cheese tillamook cheddar. cheese on apple pie. whoa have you ever heard of this no. this is the thing vermont my buddy from. vermont have you ever done that you ever. put cheese on pie. you don't like pie you don't like pie. apple pie with cheddar cheese look at.

this vermont cheddar cheese it is. vermont. it's a thing up there they do that they. put a slice of cheese. on the pie with it and apparently it's. knockout i haven't done it but i think i. i kind of wanna cause i'm getting a. little porky pork right now you know. what daddy's up to right now 206. whoa. you know what you know what what do you. think i'm up to. uh 217. baby 225. 242. oh. hey bad friends draftkings sportsbook. has teamed up with the bad friends.

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fatty patty look at my little fatty. patty oh daddy got the dice 242 are you. really 242. my god i'm fat you're not do. you think it's okay rudy that i'm fat. like this does he look fat you don't. look fat but i but i feel fat and that's. what it's about it's about how you feel. you're never gonna get fat. no she doesn't even eat apple pie do you. know any islanders that are fat is there. any filipinos back home that are fat my. mom and dad oh [ __ ] are they short and. fat no my mom and dad are pretty tall.

what do they eat to make them fat. because most people i feel like in the. philippines aren't fat pork a lot of. pork. pork products bad for you we're gonna. get bombed for this episode. this episode's bombing this this this. episode is bombing. no we're doing it no we're doing we're. having a good time you know what we're. throwing off because dad's lost dad lost. his voice. um. our dear friend bobby in all seriousness. had to go away to go get help and we're. proud of him and we're happy and i hope. he finds what he needs that's what i. think i'm supposed to say now i hope you.

find what you need i'm seriously i'm not. even lying i'm seriously truthfully. considering taking testosterone no you. don't think i should do it. i mean i did i think the downsides. hi you know look what's the downside. doesn't shrink your balls yeah but my. balls already small yes so you want. smaller balls because my sack is they're. not growing into my sack they would have. by now. oh you got so much sack i told you my. testimony is extremely small but you got. so much sack left over you just want it. to be just a sack so you get silly putty. you could roll the newspaper on it and. read it yeah yeah my nut it's.

it's so much skin it's like it's like. actually like insane is your balls are. sensitive if i tap your balls do you do. do you flinch like that yeah yeah oh i. do i have very hyper sensitive balls. because a little tiny cause they're very. tiny and my sack is just so thin. it's like a cape. it's a little cape for your ball your. little superman balls it's a little. creepy wonderful right on their nut cape. yeah and um and uh is it hard to trim. your nuts because your sack is so loose. and i can't shave my pubes because.

jasmine thinks i'm cheating on her if i. shave my pubes wait a minute she doesn't. want you to clean up i'm not allowed to. i have to have a full bush at all times. if i should i can shave them but it. causes a fight for a year because she'll. like i'm very itchy right now and. especially with the heat on like i would. love to shave my pubes before this trip. but i can't because if i do that she. will be like you're cheating on me and. i'm like i'm not what do you think yeah. i'm not what if you shave your pubes. while you're at home. then she'll think i i can do that but i. then i can't i there was one time where. i shaved my pubes and then i had to. cancel a couple of dates.

a couple of nicks yeah a couple of nick. two no no no no because if i i if i'm. gonna shave my pubes yeah stay at home i. gotta stay at home i cannot get on a. plane or go anywhere i can't even go. outside i get so scared every time i. trim honestly always it i don't care if. they've got the newest technology i get. scared every time i do it don't you get. scared every time yeah i get a little. nervous i just think of the like i know. if they're a sponsor but do you use. manscaped because yeah because that are. their sponsor yeah they are great yeah i. know we talked about it i landscaped it. but i'm just saying i still get scared i.

don't care right i still get scared. because it's two razors going like this. to my nut sack i still get scared i see. like an old movie when when someone's in. a barber shop you know and he's like and. they you know like ketchup packet and. they fake it in my mind i'm like i bet. you that's i'm just going to get too. close and my nuts gonna. fly out i it's just one ball. stringy hair like to be honest with you. my pubic hair looks a little bit like. carlos's head let me see that's a see. like it's it's stringy like that it's. the top yeah.

carlos looks wild yeah he's a wild. looking guy he might look more nuts than. stavros he kind of you know he you right. now you look like guys hello sorrows can. we pull up stavros um. comedian s-t-a-v-r-o-s. stavros yeah is it just. yeah. uh hola. yeah there we go i mean it's it's who. looks crazier to you who looks crazier. carlos stavros. carlos is crazy. well show him the picture or the picture. one when he lost his tooth go to that. one because his tooth fell yeah how.

about now no. still carl still car. i don't know i i don't know this for a. fact but i'm just assuming and i'm sure. if we could get in touch with him he. would let us know by the way it's one of. the funniest uh. comics hillsborough. but i bet you he gets a ton of women. because when you go out like that you. are so. oozing with confidence to a woman i bet. you he gets a ton of girls of course but. do you think he's attractive truthfully. you don't think he pulls it off who's a. very handsome man to you oh god we've.

done this on this oh you have i'm sorry. i don't know but it's fine but go ahead. handsome man. she loves harry styles harry styles she. can't get enough of this guy she [ __ ]. looked they she cannot. right i just disagree why not it's just. because he looks and this is not. don't get mad at me commun communities. he looks too femme. he just doesn't look fine that's what. makes him high no you know. i want a tough guy no. i want to use your helmet to throw me. around yeah i want someone to beat the.

[ __ ] out of me that's what i like [ __ ]. that's why i like tom hardy because i. know he's going to [ __ ] headbutt me. and then suck my [ __ ] yeah. who who out of the comics do you think. is there anybody handsome. pete davidson. i know we did this thing she did that. she talked about this it drives me nuts. so not me. no. no. [Laughter]. not even a little bit. pdd pd we know pdd very well i was with. pdd uh last week at the patrice o'neill. benefit dude bob's uh rich voss rich.

foss you know rich foster yes so so far. rich foss he was killing us at the. patrice o'neal benefit he hosted the. show he opened up there's 2 700 people. there he opens the show he goes um he. goes what's up everybody welcome to show. he goes uh bob saget told me he'd rather. be dead than be in a lineup with pete. davidson. like two days before. then he's bringing me onto stage oh my. god he brings me onto stage and and he. whispers in my ear he goes patrice would. have hated you have a good show.

did you know patrice no i never met him. i was so i always loved that guy i. thought he was so. yeah i don't know there was like part of. that arrow of guys that were just way. above and beyond then he goes then he. goes then he goes come on guys let's end. the show before nikki glazer writes a. song about patrice because you heard. that thing where she wrote she wrote a. song about bob yeah which i thought was. funny it got passed to me by like five. different people yeah it was funny but. but it was just like good bits what did. what did you listen to it i didn't. listen to it no. is it but oh it's a sincere song i don't. know i got sent to me a few times i did.

i didn't see it but i thought that she. posted well nikki's cool enough where. she would have laughed at that joke if. she was in the crowd of course yeah yeah. you got to laugh at your own [ __ ]. yeah we don't i i uh. she's doing i just saw her do something. else and now that you made me she was. doing like a jimmy fallon and they have. like a game show together yeah she's she. gets a lot. dude she's in there man do you like. nikki who's nikki nikki she's beautiful. i think i think yeah are you attracted. to women at all because people under 21. usually there's no um sexual orientation. well there's there's uh the lines are.

blurred right you're allowed to do. whatever you want so do what did you. think was is she good. hotter than harry styles or no no harry. styles is the best. so nobody's hotter than harry styles. yeah. on earth but she's also hot. mm-hmm. she looks german but you still think. harry styles hottest guy has ever lived. harry styles will wear nikki glazer's. clothes that's fine and her skin yeah. he's going to rip her skin right off her. body and wear it that's fine there's my. sneaky glazer no so you don't but you.

don't you don't want a guy guy guy bro. guy you like a very soft sensitive in. touch with his emotions guy i like. anything as long as he's confident. nobody in the comedy scene no dating in. the comedy scene. can't do that. she's not well you do whatever you want. she's not dating anybody but last time. she told she wanted to get her. what did you say. she wanted her body account to go up oh. my god i know she goes i want a high. body count i was like who's this. wow. geez did your dad ever deal with the.

person to be stopped my dad told me what. my dad told me was this. he said um when i got jasmine pregnant. um uh you know now we have beautiful. family when i got her pregnant he said. he goes remember your last girlfriend. when i said you dodged a bullet with. that one and you didn't believe me i go. yeah he goes well now with this one you. got. [Laughter]. that's what he shot. because it ain't a fatal wound but you. got shot you got clipped you got clip my. dad then you got shot again yeah yeah i.

shot twice i got shot my dad got the. booster i i my dad never talked to me. about sex really neither did my mother. we went to catholic school um and they. didn't talk to us about it either so. they just refused to i actually never. ever ever was spoken to about what sex. is um i remember i asked one of my aunts. once is during sex do people kiss and. she goes that'd be nice but that's not. what your uncle does. that's what and i remember being seven. years old washing my hands being like i. don't know what that means people kiss.

she's when they have sex she's like they. spit on each other sometimes yeah it's. kind of like kissing yeah she goes yeah. your uncle eats my [ __ ] out a little. bit but he kisses my butthole. yup so. did you guys have the sex talk when you. were kids with my wife do you remember. i don't remember really but i think my. dad tried to have it at the mall once. with me and then he was just over out. front of journeys no it's like in front. of sabarov. it's a great spot though that's where i. took jasmine out on our second date to a. sabaro took her to a fat joe concert and. then a sabaro.

no swear to god. that's why you guys have kids that's why. bang you're gonna bang her you're taking. a [ __ ] just do it she goes this guy. really likes me. how about this tt jerry who's the. transgender uh puerto rican. member of my family she was talking. about death the other night like i don't. know why she was like i just want to let. you guys know that if i was to die. tomorrow like you guys you made me so. happy and and my life started good and. it ended good and she was like and it's. just beautiful because you put me on. your broadcast the christy chaos. broadcast she calls that she goes.

podcast she you put me on your broadcast. well it is a broadcast it's broadcast. and she goes in and you just have such. beautiful and i love you so much and i. started to like tear up like i was like. genuinely like oh my god and she goes. chris why are you crying she goes you. know i'm gonna be stuck in dick in. heaven. that's how she gets into the game my. daughter walked your daughter was eating. oatmeal she's like why why didn't jerry. say they're earmuffs they're they're at. the gates god's imagine you cannot get. in tt yeah he's like watch me. how funny would that be like she just.

gets in there and starts sucking like. she's sucking everybody's talk. sucking my way through heaven yeah the. tt jerry afterlife story i want to. animate that she genuinely tries to blow. jesus. why did she talk about death that's how. no it is very i was upset by it there's. much like famous last words of atheists. and for some reason they had like a list. of famous atheists. and i don't know where i thought maybe. it was like tick tock or something. [ __ ] like that where a guy was like. unknown facts about dan and nannan. but it was like the last creepy right.

yeah famous. and and one of them was like oh no i was. so wrong but like there was a bunch of. them famous. atheist last words unbelievers in death. voltaire what did voltaire say. yeah i'll i'll highlight it yeah volta. oh thomas payne is a good one you know. thomas payne is no let me see he was the. first thomas payne was the man he wrote. common sense he was like the first uh. first guy to ever go viral. let's see what he said what did he say. zoom in on that can you hear me. he was the revolutionary he was the one. who was he was the first one writing.

writing popping [ __ ] against the british. so he's colonial stay with me god's sake. i cannot bear to be left alone oh lord. help me oh god what have i done to. suffer so much what will become of me. hereafter. i would give worlds if i had them. that age of reason never been published. oh lord help me christ help me no don't. leave stay with me. send even a child to stay with me for i. am on the edge. of hell. here alone if the devil had an agent. i have been that one.

whoa wow so he believed but how did they. write that down with a feather tip pen. tipping in the ink there's no way they. got feather. me and you would have been feather boys. for sure 100 yeah you know just writing. down stuff and sneaking sneaking. smooches. i feel like me and you like every time i. look at like you know old war photos. like colonial times of the civil war me. and you would be in the back playing the. drums oh sure yeah and we're just. getting hit by cannon fodder no like. those two little fruitcakes make them. play the drums and we're like bam and. i'm like don't bang mine bang bang bang. like we're like boys we came up with a.

new song we're a little drummer boys for. sure yeah because we i wouldn't last a. minute. [Laughter]. yeah i would i there's not a chance in. hell i would have lasted in war no. chance the only time i ever lived to. over 30 is this time yeah i would have. been dead immediately 20 years every. other time 16 15 you've been out done.

you had a kid and someone would have. killed you for some [ __ ] you owe. somebody money yeah kill you done you. can't fight and i get so many sore. throats or i used to get so many sore. throats that i feel like but one of them. would have killed me back in the day you. used to just die of a fever why did you. get sore throat so much i think well. because one. ah. i was biting my nails a lot and then i. think too anyway what biting your nails. bite my nails oh so you got e coli you. got bacteria from your nails and your my. tonsils are huge my testicles are small. my tonsils are big. god swapped them yeah [ __ ] up so my my.

my tonsils are so big that a doctor and. uh ear nose and throat doctor told me. that if i go down on a woman or bite a. nail or get any type of bacteria that on. a normal person's tonsils would just. kind of get washed away but he said your. tonsils are so big it just gets stuck. there and i get like pus bubbles yeah i. thought like possibly and how long are. you sick for. like until i take antibes when you take. any bee you're good yeah you ought to. die you would have died in any of those. you don't ever what something about. andrew is you know when you were going. through your covet stuff i was talking. about you wouldn't even take an anvil. you took nothing you let the immune.

system knock it out yeah you almost. never you go years without taking any. type of medicine whatsoever yeah correct. yeah i don't like i never took my mom. uh. gave me a warning one time because she. had taken a lot of advil at one time in. her life. and it gave her these insane headaches. because her body was addicted to taking. all this. uh ibuprofen and the doctor was like. yeah you can't take this every day for. long you know people there's people that. take advil like every day when's the. last time you took any type of medicine.

or advil anything whatsoever any type of. pain reliever. none i mean i i honestly can't remember. zero last time i took an advil was. probably like. um oh i took you know what i do know. when my back was bad like what was that. six months ago seven months ago when i. factually fractured my back i took advil. that's it though once i see me taking. any type of antibiotic or medicine from. a doctor i don't trust doctors and you. know that so you you have no i don't. trust doctors and you know that. wow i don't trust them they tell me get.

the vex i say kick rocks yuck you said. oh i already got the vax boom there's my. i trust the science i uploaded it onto. the system the biology scientist over. here yeah tell me the chemical code. what's the periodic table for uh. silver. a you boom why do i need a doctor bang. hey you over there hey you hey you over. there i got a fake vaccine card 500 cash. it comes with a booster do you have the. guy friends that have fake vaccinations.

oh my god nino's pizzeria absolutely. that's how you get them yeah brooklyn. baby how much are they. nah okay this is true they were about. 200 cash in the summer now they're about. 500 to 750 because they come with two. boosters because a lot of people are. like oh you're not gonna be able to get. it like it's they're pretty much saying. the fake guys are saying you're gonna. need one booster and then you're gonna. need a second booster so we just got you. two right here so you the cards that you. can get for 750 you're good till about. 2024. it's so funny dude new york is the. greatest city number one and then we got. and then we got other guys that they.

take pcr tests and they just photoshop. different dates on you for the pcr test. it's all seamless and they email it to. you so if you need a pcr to get it to. somewhere we got boom pcos well when we. took we took that party bus out to go. watch the kansas city game and everybody. had to get tested and i was with chrissy. o'connor you know a little christmas i. know a little christmas i love christmas. and little brisket. was you know like he was so excited. because we were like. we're with travis's family we're gonna. go in the kelsey family booth and like. you know he's like living the dr this is. amazing and he goes and gets tested and. he comes back inside and he's like.

pacing and he's ripping his vape and. he's like twiddling his fingers i'm like. what's going on he's like this will be. the worst moment in my entire life i'll. jump off this [ __ ] building if i. can't go to this thing and i realize oh. yeah because if one of us comes up you. know covey you're done get the whole. thing's over no homeless pimp didn't. come out with me uh tonight uh this trip. because he had covered we were at the. patrice o'neill benefit everyone had to. get covert tests all of a sudden i go. down and do the sound check it come up. pimp's gone i said where the hell's pimp. they said he got cover test he got. thrown out of the building i was like. whoa then i texted him i was like pimp. are you okay goes yeah man it's [ __ ].

[ __ ] uh there's no way this test is. right he goes i feel fine there's no way. this test is ready because i got a. little bit of cough but it's from. smoking weed and i was like yeah it's. [ __ ] so i got angry like a little. bit i walked up to the covet person and. i said hey you just threw my friend out. get him back up here there's no way. that's a positive test you go sir we. gave him three pcrs they're all positive. i was like oh. yeah but he but with the fourth what. about the fourth yeah give him four yeah. i mean what the [ __ ] everybody knows. four is the magic number yeah i can't. believe little rudy rood hasn't gotten. it yet either if i you're getting it you.

already had it you pig i never got it. there's no way because look at it like. this how did you sleep at daddy's. tsunami's house i never they were. testing me yeah but did you test for. antibiotics i've never had the. antibodies either have you tested yes. well not recently though in fairness not. in the last six months i think you've. had it yeah there's no doubt in my mind. yeah there i just there's no way and you. you're gonna get it. yeah i hope you do. i hope you get it bad. well i don't want you to die i just want. you to feel something because you're so.

numb. i just want you to feel like this is the. youth the youth is a little bit numb. yeah they are very that's fine i'm not. hating on it no be present. yeah enjoy live are you on your phone a. lot or you're not addicted to your phone. i'm addicted she watches [ __ ] all day. long that's all she's doing phone or. ipad yeah. never television. no i don't like it yeah see that's. interesting because my 11 year old. stepson we got a big tv for like the. family room thinking like he's good the. kids are going to love this they hate it. they'd rather watch movies on the ipad. they want the smaller screens because we. want to take a big one they want they.

want to take it to go yeah they're going. to the movies he was getting freaked out. at the movies he was like this is too. big i don't like this it's too big. i wanted to make the movie strange i. know it's weird what do you like so much. about it you can take it in in the. shower in the toilet out in the backyard. yeah you can just move with it. yeah and you feel too too harbored by a. tv too stationary. it's so weird it's so i mean listen it's. also like even like my child my. six-year-old you know is in school she. has to wear a mask and i get angry i'm. like i want her to see people's face i.

want to see this when i see that but she. actually doesn't know the difference so. it's i'm getting angry at it but i'm. like my kid i asked my kid she doesn't. care she's like i'll wear the mask dad. it's fine well because i think they. you know their life is so um easy those. little shits you know she doesn't do. anything no but get your daughter to get. a job no well she's old enough now i. remind her all the time i said delilah. you know daddy loves you and everything. like that but i'm going to need you to. hustle a little bit more because. remember you're not pure right look at. your mom she's mixed look at your mom. right. you're not like daddy you're not you're.

like that's not if you're a bits of. daddy right but you're not a full daddy. you're so remember that i mean you got. to put her back in her place yeah and. then she gets it and she you know she. runs around she starts you know cooking. cleaning whatever she needs to do. imagine your daughter becomes your maid. oh my god dude my daughter's 10 times. funnier than i could ever be you think. she'll become a comic book she told me. she told me recently she's like i'm. going to be better than you ever where. that's six years old just right and it's. she spoke right into my heart but she's. right though she's right dude she's like.

you're not selling well at warner. theater i'll sell out too she thinks she. can sell two shows at once she told me. she said her first words were [ __ ] live. nation. [ __ ] live nation she said that's nuts. she's an outback girl who yeah signed. with aeg. [Laughter]. she was just very specific no she's. she's funny my kid she goes um we were. having a conversation once and she was. like daddy why do you always have to. leave i hate when you leave i hate when. you leave and i was like baby you like. this house you little [ __ ] i know yeah i. said you like central ac.

no so i said to her i go i go baby i was. like daddy has to leave because i said. that's why i make money and she goes. well we don't need any more money we. have this house and i just want you to. stay here and i was like baby the. american girl dolls how am i going to. buy you more american girl dolls if i. don't go do the shows and she goes. american girl dolls cost money and i was. like yeah and she was like go to work. and i was like. and then she just walked away and i was. like yeah this is going to work white. devil go to work and she was like yeah. and dude and you know i mean between her. mother you know and her mother now you. know it's a spin instructor she's got a.

patreon patreon.com jazzy method if you. want to go work out with jazzy and uh. you know so but i have to come out here. and do show after show off the show ten. pockets a day and [ __ ] kill myself. because she wants to do spin and i'm. like listen jazz you can keep doing the. spin but you better spin that bike a. little faster and it better start. [ __ ] out bitcoin. because we got no money. you're not in bit though you're out no. you're kidding me i'm christy krypto i. thought you got out i sold it went back. in you sold and went back i went back in. i went back in on crypto on on bitcoin. big ethereum big and then i went on some.

altcoins oh you got old cars yeah i got. some wild alt-right coins yes sir. me and george you got me and kimmel yeah. you know the camera yeah you know so the. germans have released 10 new coins. yes. what are you are you in bitcoin. no crypto cam because i need to pay tax. for it no you only pay tax when you sell. it. so you if you're gonna get does steel. bobby have one bit why no he's not into. it i don't know george wouldn't know. george be closer to it than anybody um i. think it's too complex for him there's.

no way here it is. do you have bitcoin george oh of course. how many bit you have you own a couple. of bits full bits um. i forget how much i own he's got like a. half i started doing the uh. the uh the market uh i've got a i've got. a fund that had invested in different uh. coins oh that great gray scale thing uh. i didn't like grayscale that one lost me. a lot of money or like so i got it how. much is a lot of money that you lost be. honest. that one 500 but i got deeper into like. the other one wait 500 yeah dollars come. on you're fine yeah that's fine.

that a lot of money to lose encrypt i. know people i know people that lost like. 50 grand. that got just murdered oh i lost a lot. of money i went in i went in uh a year. and a half ago when it dipped and i. bought all this. i'm sorry it didn't dip i just got. really hot on bitcoin and i bought at. like an all-time high and then it just. [ __ ] dipped you're gone yeah and i i. literally i don't even think about it i. actually what i did is i deleted. coinbase off my phone yeah but i said. yeah and then i listened to one of your. friends vin ferrusso he was like i got a. real hot tip and i lost about five grand.

sitting at the comedy center yeah i was. like way to go. yeah [ __ ] palestinian [ __ ] yeah he's. hiding our money yeah where are you. vinny where are you friend yeah he's. loving i love him i know i love him he. is the best did you watch this. documentary it's good i did yeah i. actually think it's fantastic it's good. it's really good it's like insightful on. to what's going on. i know and you know what we start. talking about that youtube's going to. ban us. oh you can't even mention this this is. so funny it's like it's such a volatile. world of oh yeah when you get over there. you get into this weird world of like.

whose side are you on why do you have to. be on a side i'm not i'm in the middle. man i told you i am chrissy right down. the middles i um i've said it many times. i have a republican haircut a democratic. brain. i have white skin and this and a uh. black girl's ass black girl's aunt but. you have a you have a republican haircut. a liberal heart. and a. what's the other party what's the fake. party that everyone likes the. libertarian libertarian body i have a.

libertarian body yes you have the tits. of a libertarian yes and i have yes. they're milky but they're you know but. they are built from muscle at some point. and my nutsack looks like mitch. mcconnell. [Music]. imagine imagine he has a great set of. nuts could you imagine he's got like a. [ __ ] huge [ __ ] yeah can you imagine. he's been banging aoc this whole time. yeah just punishing her yeah just. that's hilarious. [Laughter]. it's so gross to think about them. together that's a scandal why do we need.

another white house scandal again yeah. we need something like that in the world. you know what i've been watching you. ever seen the show succession on hbo. yeah we've i finished the last of this. dude i'm into this third season i mean. that's the best show i've ever seen in. my life i love it have you seen it. that's a good show i think you'd like. that. you guys you guys yeah i've seen it it's. so what do you think i love it i love. jeremy strong's character jeremy strong. is fantastic kendall yeah he's so good. so [ __ ] and i want to live that life a. little bit you want to be that kind of. pompous.

you know because they when they talk. about money like what you know like they. talk about like like they'll give like. he'll give his son a hundred million. dollars as a gift like they have like. infinity money yeah it's wild to think. about they'll box did you ever know. somebody like that a billionaire. do i know a billionaire it's a good. question do i know a billionaire well. you're friends with uh what's his name. uh. the knicks right aren't you buddies with. him james dolan yeah no not buddies i. just i've been in the same room with him. but didn't you do a show for him or. something yeah but that doesn't mean i'm. his friend you're his good friend oh.

yeah well he's my best friend yeah. i know i i think the richest person that. i actually personally know like the. person i know with the absolute most. money. [ __ ] because i don't know. i mean for me it's rogan yeah but i. don't know i don't know. he's the most money i've ever heard yeah. no he would be the one that most of our. peers would you know but i don't know. him personally so after that. maybe you. no santino not even not even in the top.

who would i know who who that's actually. rich that's truthfully like hand over. like [ __ ] rich. no nobody in the comedy scene that. you're friends with. joe derosa. everybody knows he's the richest guy he. opens that sandwich shop you know what i. mean and he's it's a money front for. sure because the sandwiches are [ __ ]. no no it's a money front no it is a. money front and yes i want to make fun. of joe derose and tell him what pizza is. probably the richest person that i know. but but but yeah 477 million couple of.

bucks whatever he is the richest person. i've ever known yes he has a contract. for 477 million dollars he's worth every. [ __ ] dime i will say joe's a rose's. sandwiches though no. by the way sandwich is our fifth year in. new york you've got to go to joe's. sandwich shop i haven't gone because i. want to go eat them but i love joking no. no. no no no but no i want to make fun of. him too and i mean he's you know he he. does discuss me in many ways but i do. have to give him credit that those. sandwiches at his shop joey roses down. on rivington street in the lower east. center in new york are fan like the best. cold cut sandwiches i've ever had in my.

life truthfully he got the meat from. somewhere specific some some uh sliced. it right off slice something like that. huh. it's good now it's gabagol come on let's. see i want to eat at an italian. restaurant with you what's the place. that we always eat at buy your house. well i'm not going to say what that is. into the mic what are you [ __ ] nuts. oh yeah i forgot we're in the pot it's. so easy with you yeah no you know what. where do we eat i'll tell well we always. go to the spaghetti factory is where we. go the old spaghetti factory whole. spaghetti. you know my dad loves olive garden loves.

i gotta be honest with you it's nuts i. don't hate olive garden i'm not saying i. love it i don't hate it give me back. your italian card i've told you i'm. mostly german. so is hey so is he whoa. george appointed george you know george. looks like a nazi though he does doesn't. he he does but he i got my hair growing. out you know this is like when he had it. really short though he looked so nazi. boy it was nazi stuff i shouldn't admit. this but uh yeah when i had my short. haircut i always took uh i cropped it in.

real close but i took the photo of ray. fines and schindler's list and i was. like this is the perfect haircut it. looks great on me he brought that to the. barber what does that give him those. lists no that and that is serious. and i'd zoom really in so they couldn't. see any nasty person and as he's cutting. it in spanish he's like [ __ ] put on. nazim. look at that that's who george wanted to. be that's insane. that's a good ass haircut how sexy is. ray finally oh my god.

how about him you like him right rude. yeah he's sexy he can get it huh but. he's like yeah but he kind of looks soft. too he looks a little femme you know. what i mean. yeah that that's a very that like the. haircuts in the world war ii era were. were good well that was the thing that. the nazis really figured out was hair. was styling their hair and uniforms i've. said this many times if you want to talk. i don't agree with their politics at all. i truthfully don't i think the holocaust. was disgusting but if we're just talking. about fashion nazis win by a landslide. yeah you go boss uniforms look at. mclemore mclemore that's macklemore.

right there there you go there he is and. there's eric trump down there oh no. that's not eric trump who is that. that guy the face of the alt right. what's his name richard spencer. richard spencer is the face of the is. that yeah that's what i ain't gonna. answer that real quick. you were trying to bait me weren't you. yeah. yeah he was looking for he knows he. knows who his leader is i think i could. beat up macklemore. i don't i honestly don't think so. there's something he's like six four. maybe is he is he really i think he's a. big boy.

interesting mclemore height. he's got a uh. what do we say six three. five ten five ten small guy never mind i. think i beat him up i think i can beat. up g eazy. ah i see i think g easy might take you. hmm. uh machine gun kelly i think i'm oh no i. think it'll be all these guys kind of. look alike in your mind that's why your. name that's what we're naming the thing. is with machine gun kelly is he's a very. bony if he hits you with one of those. bones you're going lights out yeah we. ever got punched by a really skinny guy. at her if it hurts oh it hurts so bad.

playing basketball against him i'd. always get bruises i would look like my. mom. [Laughter]. six four see mgk's pdd six four two yeah. pdd would hurt you six three. yeah. and megan fox and now they're married. good megan good for all these people. good for them good for marriage shout. out love i i've never gotten married i. probably won't get married but i like. being a person you'll never get married. no i don't think so because i had kids. first you don't want any government. intervention yeah and i just for me the.

whole thing is like and it just gets. messy i i like the way it is now and she. likes the way it is now you say you're. saying that for her yeah she is repulsed. by the idea i don't want to get married. and thinks that it absolutely adds i i'm. pretty sure. it's two kids. where am i [ __ ] going where am i. going with a full bush. yeah that but you had a nice bush nice. bush where would you go i mean who yeah. what are you talking about what is she. like you know. marriage is tough though so i get it. while you're like i don't want to get. through this whole process we already.

got little ninos yeah we can't do it and. i'm like oh you're a family with kovid. we can't do it i just keep delaying it. well because you know the child support. is. it's coming can you imagine how do you. calculate child support see what that's. about i know a buddy that has 17 000 a. month or something i think it's 17. of your gross income. in new york 17 of your gross income per. child i think per child it doesn't even. does it go exponentially lower is the. more kids you get or is it 17 if you got. 10 kids earned 70 of the combined. parental income for one child. twenty-five percent of the combined.

parental income for two children. how does that make sense combined. pronouns underground because she doesn't. make like if your wife doesn't make any. money it's just all your money that's. what i'm saying so this is just a ruse. to make it feel like it's a yeah it'd be. like 25 of the father's income oh. my god. you're sticking it out papa. you better stick that [ __ ] up you better. stick that [ __ ] up papa you ain't going. nowhere frank okay no you better dig. your heel then you're going nowhere i. know and that's and that's not even. alimony if you get divorced then it's. alimony on top of that how much is. alimony percentage if he gets if no oh.

you're not you're not we're not married. but let's just say hypothetically what. would your common law right doesn't. common law marriage ever i don't think. that's a real thing in california it. absolutely is it absolutely is in the. state of california for marriage less. than 15 years support should last 15 to. 30 of the length of the marriage. whoa. so if marriage is the last 15 to 20. years support should last 30 to 40 of. the length of the marriage so if you if. you were married for 20 years you put. you pretty much got to pay for like. eight years. right eight years after wow. wow. wow.

oh my god. oh my god this is why we got a family. friend that won't get divorced he's like. i'll kill her before i'll divorce her. i'll just he just gives her money really. yeah he's like i'm not if i can get a. divorce he's like but he's. like the house is her you know what i. mean he's like yeah they have everything. i'm not gonna get a divorce yeah he's a. financial nightmare nightmare do you. ever want to get married rude jude no. never right you've said that before what. about if what's his face what if harry. styles wants to marry you seriously oh. look at you now you're changing your. tongue harry i would marry him he's the. only one you'd marry.

but what if he said i'll marry you. because i love you. but you got to let me have all the other. women in the world as well that's fine. and you don't care he wants your clothes. all your nice dresses. we can share okay what would be the one. thing that would turn you off about him. what would you isn't there anything he. could do that you'd go that's i don't. want that that would [ __ ] it all up for. me. maybe if what if he was physically. abusive you stick around yeah okay. that's terrible to know okay that's just. so bad she said immediately yeah didn't.

even skip a beat yeah yeah i'd actually. want him to hit me what if he was uh. voting for trump. okay so he can beat the [ __ ] out of you. but if he votes for trump that's just a. whole different story. um. oh wow this is the point of contention. wow. what bothers you it's what it is most. people trump if he votes for trump. you're not going to get with harry. yeah but he can hit me he can hit you. okay okay unhealthy to push out to the. next. young girls out there that are rudy's. age this is not what you want to be like.

wow he can hit me but he can't vote for. trump if trump was here truthfully and. was a fan of the power would you have. him on as a guest if trump came to los. angeles generally donald trump is like i. want to i love whiskey ginger it's huge. the show's huge bad friends is huge. i went on the show how could you show of. course how could i say no i would have. done it at the height of 2016. i would. have done it by the way and anybody that. says anything otherwise you were. mesmerized by him for four years it was. the most entertaining [ __ ] we ever saw.

everyone would want to see what he would. say and also between. between me and bobby and put him in the. middle of us oh the most fun the most. the most comedian of all time would be. dying to have him on yeah because it's. something it's i mean it's like when. people criticize rogan or criticize um. marin for having certain people on if. ever they're like why would you have. them on it's like because that strikes. an interesting conversation that's why. yeah it's just interesting that's all it. is it's fun interesting conversation. yeah you're not gonna like all the. guests so if he hits you that's all good. votes for trump get out of here harry.

styles but he can hit you he can re i. mean really like give you a shiner yeah. okay what do you say the police man what. happened to your eye. i just fell. you fell on your eye. how come nothing else is there's no. other evidence of of uh. of a fall i don't know it just happened. i feel like you're lying to us ma'am. is someone abusing you at home no don't. roll your eyes at us because i can see. that swollen eye i can tell. did someone raise a fist to you ma'am no. one's abusing me you fell.

tell me how you fell. i was walking with my drink and then i. forgot that there were stairs what kind. of drink. my wine. my wine oh your wine glass oh you're red. wine okay i didn't know that i thought. that you were 20. not 21. that's. interesting yeah. this is five years after oh. yeah. so you're walking with your wine where.

at the house at the house that you guys. own together in beverly hills yeah is. that where it is how many stories is it. two just two two two and you fell down. the second first story to the bottom. yeah. that's it i just fell you slipped and. fell but how come there's no bruising or. cuts on any other part of your body it's. almost like i just raised my legs oh so. you fell with your legs up. right so you just slid down on your butt. but like. yeah on carpeted stairs yeah. interesting um would harry styles be. able to sign something for my kid.

yeah okay. i should be late again i say we let her. go yeah that's fine i said yeah yeah. what did you end up saying to him that. why he hit you. i saw you [ __ ] [ __ ]. you crossed the line he should have hit. you you don't say that to harry styles. we got to go have a good night ma'am. you said let's go brandon. imagine it'd be so funny one of those. innocent kids like harry styles came out. as like a hardcore trumpy and how funny. oh my god because then it's like it.

turns it on its head it's like what are. you supposed to do now. that's the thing with with tt jerry is. she's transgender puerto rican but she. loves trump so it's like what do you you. can't. she's done trump right you've told me. that she told me every inmate in prison. loves trump too all of them. 100 percent she said if if if the. federal inmate system could could vote. they would they would all vote for trump. is did she have a lot of trans friends. in prison she said all her trans friends. who none of them were white all of them.

adored donald trump is she fully. transitioned now. she's got um um estrogen tits but a dick. so she's got tits but she's keeping it. right didn't you say she's keeping her. penis she doesn't want to lose her penis. she got a nice penis i bet beautiful you. don't want to give it up it's so good. yeah don't you think that that's part of. the whole reason she likes to she said. she likes to you utilize it you know. what i mean yeah she wants to use that. she doesn't want it you know it's a gun. it's a gun she wants to see once in a. while once in a while she pops off yes. so it's nice she likes it do you have. any trans friends. no i have a gay friend oh.

big deal. we all have a gay friend right here. you're gay. not necessarily bi. yes. that's probably more true. also the standards are blurred dude. sexuality is on the spectrum look at. carlos nobody knows what he is. yeah it doesn't matter. but he looks like he like he makes. balloon animals without a doubt makes. balloon animals yeah. yeah he looks like the guy that that. that story that gets the tahin for the.

guy that sells fruit on the side of the. road he goes and gets the tahin for him. go on a run get me some tahin come back. and call her stands there he looks like. a guy like like in like a movie like an. ancient war movie like you know when. they're like walking into a village that. had just been ramsacked his head would. be in a spike yeah just like that with. the hair blowing in the wind. [Laughter]. [Music]. well listen what i love you oh i love. you god bless you for coming to this and. and and um in all seriousness we are. thankful for our bad friends we love you. guys uh thank you for chrissy's he's.

gonna do. maybe another episode with us maybe. we'll see whatever we'll see we'll have. some other guests come through while um. tito bob uh is uh getting some uh some. help and i'm gonna let rudy stare into. her camera right there and go ahead and. um say something sentimental about tito. and then close out the show and thank. people for being a bad friend go ahead. make it count. to bobby. we're missing you already true. um.

farted into the mic during your speech. i hope that's what bob would have wanted. take care and we love you thank you for. being a bad friend love it love it. thank you thank you. [Music].