Hey Homie ft. Frankie Quiñones, Johnny Sanchez & Cristela Alonzo | Ep 159 | Bad Friends

what up bad friends I am on my way back. to the US of a from Aussie baby and I'm. so very excited to go on tour me and Bob. are on tour you want to get those. tickets get those tickets at. badfriendspod.com we added dates we. added cities we added shows we had it. shows in Riverside San Antonio Toronto. Canada come out and show that love for. bad friends pod we're doing a huge tour. uh Oklahoma Kansas City St Louis. Indianapolis Detroit Louisville Atlanta. Memphis Norfolk Durham Charlotte San. Antonio Houston Irving Spokane Seattle. Portland Phoenix Jacksonville St.

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it tore me apart from the movie. [Laughter]. Harry Styles I didn't know anything. about until when until I heard a song. called uh was it watermelon yeah he. loved fruit dude well that's what I. thought it was I was like man this guy.

loves that waffles. [Laughter]. you know what bro I feel like I'm being. racist with the [ __ ] mustache and. [ __ ] bro you know man welcome to yo dude. Mexican Amigos. okay it feels weird. anyway oh my God you had another one. underneath all the time. I love it so well welcome to her yeah. yeah yeah so good to see you guys man.

because let me tell you something man. Andrew's been out of town and I've been. doing this all alone and I needed. friends bro and we did it all Korean. episode bro. I thought what's next bro Mexicans do I. [ __ ] love them bro we got a [ __ ] I. want to introduce the people. um in the room bro we've got a [ __ ]. raccoon in the house yeah a [ __ ]. raccoon is half raccoon half [ __ ]. Mexican you know bro when's the last. time you slept dog.

I stayed up late last night but I have. these all the time anyways dude it's at. a point I need to get some work you're. gonna have to Michael Jackson it yeah I. know you're gonna have to Michael. Jackson underneath your eye because it's. like it's so prominent listen. I looked into it here's the problem are. you a panda can I ask you that Panda's. good too Panda raccoon do you want. Johnny to have Sammy Sosa lids. you know there's a laser there's a laser. thing yeah but you have to go to.

somebody really good because if they. take off too much dude then it gets it's. like it'll be pale it's worse I don't. know dude I don't know I think pale's. better it's bad huh it's so I know it's. you. it's you some people just have dark. circles yeah but it's bad look it's bad. that's bad that's pretty bad. I think so yeah but it's Gonna Get You. know it's gonna get the dermatologist. told me it's gonna get dark it's just. gonna keep getting darker as I get older.

and it's gonna yeah yeah please don't. get them done and it's gonna I have to. see what happens like in about five. years yeah it'll be they get it goes. lower and lower oh please oh my god when. we start calling him crater Sanchez. bro. try to hike it but they've never gone. they've never seen again so we got. Johnny Sanchez my old friend yeah buddy. you good bro. you have all right all right I'm sorry.

for making fun of you man that's right. yeah it goes you will that's our. relationship it's always been like that. it'll never change yeah I love you it's. you know what's funny it's just the next. person well just real quick. you always go it's always been funny. you've always gone after my looks like. you always make fun of me but you you. called you Cricket yeah Cricket yeah but. you. you make fun of me like you look like. Brad Pitt that's what makes [ __ ] yeah I. look like a chat yeah yeah yeah I know I.

I I look in the mirror okay and I I know. where I'm at you know who I am yeah. we're gonna talk about that right about. what dating and yeah yeah we will but. can I introduce that's what I was gonna. say yeah we have one that we have one. Mexican that's not even shown up yet. yeah he's on Mexican time he's on Mexico. what's that mean anyway I get it. I get it. um so the next person that I want to.

introduce is somebody that I met many. many years ago she was living in Dallas. yes and you were working at the Addison. Improv yeah I was the office manager. you're the office manager oh my God and. um I found out then that you were doing. stand-up I had just started you just. started and the way you Rose it was just. I was so proud of you I'm still very. proud of you. um you just dug your way out and you. you're so talented and funny Cristela. Alonso she had her own sitcom what was. it called Christopher.

oh my God it was actually called Nine is. enough. it could have been called Priscilla. versus Cristela I mean no no. and even then when he has a new show I'm. like it could be Paul this time you. never know yeah yeah. um thanks for being here I haven't hung. out with you in a while yeah and you and. I called you out of the blue and you. were like let's do it and um.

yeah um I was telling Johnny before the. show. um that we're at an age. where um we're pretty much going to be. um we're unfuckable. and we have sad Futures ahead of us you. know. um do you oh you do you want do you do. you uh can you see yourself with a woman. that would be like in her late 40s early. 50s you like still like young that's.

crazy yeah you know what you're accusing. me. what are you accusing me of no no. like 20 you like girls that that are. like 20s and like maybe early 30s listen. I don't care about the age it's what I. see yeah okay so you you probably. wouldn't go out with a woman that's like. 48 49 50. it depends oh right I'm 44 by. the way you look great. you look wonderful okay all right but. are you saying that's for me to be. careful the way I no no no no I don't.

give a [ __ ] no I'm saying like like I'm. 44. I'm saying that there's people that are. women that are 49 48 that really don't. look you know it's like yeah it just. depends yeah right if I'm in a bakery. right and if the cake looks fresh I want. to eat it right but if it's damaged you. know what I mean there's. you know rotting no wear and tear you. mean to somewhere on terror yeah it's. what I call moisturizer it's like I see.

like. like there have been times. and there have been times I do this [ __ ]. all the time I will Google people I. hated in high school. and I know that we're the same age and a. lot of them look like [ __ ] and it's. because I tell people they never learn. to moisturize so it's like we're the. same it's like that thing about like not. knowing how to take care of yourself. maybe because you're too busy you're. having a [ __ ] up life where you're. trying to survive and [ __ ] like that. whatever it is you didn't do it so. people sometimes look different than. other people the same age because they.

just didn't they didn't take care of. them moisturize it's about moisture like. putting lotion on your face is that what. you're saying yeah I'm simplifying it. like that just to say that that's like. the example can I give you can I add on. to that let's do it could it be about. also stress levels yes absolutely well. that's what I mean is that the. moisturizing is just an example of how. like people do extra steps sometimes. that they probably don't even think. about like yeah moisturizer is a thing. obviously stress level because that's. what I'm saying it's like if you have a. life of survival of like trying to get.

by or something or your shit's just. [ __ ] up sometimes you trying to take. care of yourself like physically is the. last [ __ ] thing on your mind yeah you. know what I mean yeah yeah the mind [ __ ]. I suffer from depression and anxiety and. when I get depressed I get depressed and. when I feel like that I don't give a. [ __ ] what I look like yeah yeah and. that's. it it's kind of going to your fresh cake. yeah yeah you know but you know also too. culture oh what go ahead well I want you.

to talk culturally. I. I feel like white people age faster the. lighter complected. people what are you saying seem to get. more wrinkled earlier. than people who have oily skin and. darker complexion. so you're saying black people look good. you know well we all know that don't. call them oily though that's weird. no no no no my the Mexican like my dad.

has very oily skin yeah he's 80 gonna be. 88 he looks fantastic is he the raccoon. part of your family or no okay. I did not get it from my mom or my dad. where does that come from though that I. had a great aunt that had it and I had. an uncle that that had it yeah not my. mom and dad oh you know what I just. realized guys you look like you're about. to play football. um yeah yeah so that's cool anyway I.

love you thanks for coming out. hey you [ __ ] disappointed. fist bump right yeah like I'll give you. like Rachel bielson you know who that is. yes yes I remember her yeah I know her. and she's you know in their 40s right. and she's beautiful I mean I would you. know I mean if I could date her I would. probably you know I mean she. she had a baby with Darth Vader yeah.

yeah so that's the level that she's at. right yeah yeah I'm just saying it's. like a [ __ ] young Anakin yeah yeah. yeah yeah yeah yeah. exactly because in the Star Wars. Universe I'm a Jawa there's a Jawa [ __ ]. [ __ ] no no I am like the Jar Jar. Binks one night stand. like in the Star Wars Universe would you. be. I know I already know oh what's his uh. the um I know what you are dude what. remember that blue guy that was like. flying he was the boss.

he was the boss one of the newer ones. yeah yeah yeah what was it what was his. name the blue one that was yeah that's. you that dude. [Laughter]. oh my God. that reminds you when people say like. when people women come up to me they're. like you remind me of my friends. what did I do to you you have big feet. wide otherwise because I used I grew up.

barefoot like Apocalypto dude that's my. cousin. yeah yeah like back in the day you. probably could have just run up a tree. [Laughter]. I was barefoot all the time we were. really poor so my mom would give me one. pair of shoes for the whole year so then. during the summer I used to be barefoot. all the time I'd walk to the stores. Barefoot and everything you know because.

so I have white feet whoa you know yeah. I'm dropping some [ __ ] honest nuts no. I really like it but they're pretty. pretty I've never seen them. yeah yeah I will say go ahead that they. are on the internet and I have been. approached in public by somebody that. wanted me to to show them off yeah the. fetishes yeah the foot fetish thing if I. wanted to like let's say I was a guy on. the internet yeah I saw your feed yeah. and I hit you up on DMD and I go hey how. much could I give you money-wise yeah so. I just want your feet.

on my penis but I'll jerk off the tip. but just have the penis at the at the. time he's putting some thought into this. at the base right and I'll just you know. I'll take yeah I'll you know me and Lou. I'll just jerk off can I come on your. feet how much would you charge well. first of all I always hate these. questions yeah because I would probably. do that [ __ ] when I'm drunk for free. I hate when people say like how much. would you blow somebody for a million. dollars [ __ ] I've done that for a. nickel. no I think that the has always been very.

well any fetish to me that I'm. not for that much. this person's a stranger no that would. do it sober you wouldn't do it at all I. wouldn't do it for a million dollars no. because I can actually I I. because I think I can make my million. dollars some other way that's true okay. good good would you do it. how would that work. no oh the girl I'm a guy yeah I DM you.

oh I love I love doing K Loco I didn't. do Kayla oh yeah that's right you did it. was not cool enough to do that is so. crazy he turned it down I did I said no. yeah well you were starting you were. young you were starting I started. there's a lot of [ __ ] that I didn't get. yeah you know what this is interesting. so I started in Dallas moved to LA in. Dallas I was kind of like the only. Latina comic in the scene you know like. then I moved to LA there are a lot of.

Latino Comics that didn't like me oh and. it was this thing where I didn't realize. that there was this thinking and I I've. talked to people about this all the time. a lot of the older comics and by that I. mean people that had been doing it. longer not like age-wise you're right. like they thought that I had. disrespected them like when I met them. by not trying to shake their hands and. say hey it's really nice to me it's so. interesting you say this because it's. like I have the same issues as you do.

but I'm beginning to think it's a. perception thing oh no. I just stopped. stop stop all right. to you it's real yes okay yeah I believe. that yeah okay but is there a perception. thing a little bit. because people live listen I've I feel. the same way I say. it's all quiet. everything just stops. what's up bro you guys know him of. course.

yeah that's funny he he lowers his. chairs it's all low rider oh let me get. all low rider right here. um where were you Frankie. it's Sunday right. it's a Sunday. 's a big deal for you people right. yes Sunday is our Sunday.

that's right. I caught myself yeah yeah. so you're with your family bro yeah yeah. yeah yeah. what were you guys doing uh you know. we're just kicking into it. barbecue or no no it's rainy yeah oh. [ __ ] is yeah yeah you can't barbecue. inside. did you eat food was that yeah yeah yeah. yeah good time yeah all right cool all. right what's wrong with you right now.

yeah what's going on yeah you came in a. [ __ ] shifting yeah. is this like the movie Speed where you. can't say a full sentence yeah. you're not high right no no no no yeah. you good yeah yeah yeah yeah you look. cute. oh thank you. so so can I introduce him or no yeah oh. yeah introduce and then and then let him. about what she was talking about because. that's interesting I forgot what she was.

saying about you know. oh that's right she doesn't feel. welcomed or whatever you know Frankie. quinoes yeah I said it right yeah. yeah you mean total fit yeah one of my. he's on the show.

second season now or no yeah you guys. already shot it no we're like halfway. through oh so you're in the middle of. production yeah yeah yeah yeah is it. going well yeah yeah it's going good.

yeah wow you're really good on that show. man yeah oh thank you yeah I actually. had an audition for the show. I didn't do it I didn't do it why. because I couldn't I couldn't shoot the. I was out of town I couldn't shoot the. tape in the deadline or something but I. oh don't you hate when that happens yeah. I don't get why the process is like that. they're like hey we want you for this. part we need it tomorrow. unbelievable it was like this like I. remember I had an audition for a movie. that that is coming out this year that. was that I got the audition like two. years ago yeah right and it was a quick.

turnaround like hey you gotta turn this. in tomorrow right and I asked for an. extra day because I was like flying back. right and they're like uh no we got to. do this right now that [ __ ] did not get. cast for another eight months and I was. like come on really yeah dude they're. [ __ ] Liars they are they're [ __ ]. liars and it's like we all [ __ ] dance. for them right we want to see it now and. you know what I say to them man [ __ ] you. yeah you're not gonna see it we'll be. poor and we're never gonna make it.

that's not what you say what do I say. yes right now and just start dancing. oh you think I'm a dancer are you. [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] dude you're right. I am a dancer. yeah I have done that at midnight I have. because when you're at my age you're. like you you hear the talk clicking. clock talk clicking it's not a good. thing for a show let me just talk like a.

talk show talk clicking hey home hey. homie. clock ticking I [ __ ] it up it's okay. no you didn't you. create a magic okay so my point is is. this right so you think this is my only. shot you know I mean like in my in your. 30s you go oh my god dude we had so I. know. when I think back up of how many times I. said no for auditions like what by.

tomorrow now [ __ ] that just oh yeah I'm. not gonna go in I know they gotta give. me more time they don't they won't give. me more time Johnny well they're not. [ __ ] I'm not gonna go in but you. regret it now I should have just said. that's a lesson to you [ __ ] do it oh. I know no I'm very picky about the [ __ ]. I do I say no all the time yeah I know. people are gonna regret the notes that's. what he just said no because you know. what I you can either regret find those. or you can regret the yeses because then. you see the [ __ ] that you you that. you were done with like that you did or.

shot yeah then you regret what the [ __ ]. you did okay let me say something okay. [Laughter]. you're right. you're right you have integrity no. here's because even the shitty [ __ ] that. you I've said yes to things right and it. didn't turn out the way yeah I thought. it was going to turn out but you always. learn from these situations yes you meet.

oh you always it's all about. relationships yes this town right so. I've done shitty things met somebody and. then three years later gotten a job. another person that I met my point is is. that it's not all out the window and a. waste of time no here here's my thing. I am very like uh I have learned the. industry has taught me that in order for. me to be on TV I have to write the thing. myself. for me you know what I mean now that's. because people for some reason can't. write for me because they make.

assumptions of who the [ __ ] the Latino. character is not even me so it's like. this thing I realized yes when I had my. sitcom I was in every [ __ ] audition I. was in the room in every audition and I. would see their resumes as they came in. and I noticed that with the Latinos like. the Latino men Latino women they didn't. have comedy experience because we. weren't writing for them so how the [ __ ]. do you teach timing how the [ __ ] do you. teach how to people how to act in. sitcoms if you're not casting if you're.

not writing the parts so for me for me. to be on TV because at that point you. know it's like people told me you'll. never be on TV you're fat you got a. Crooked Tooth so for me I was like. that's great. people got that specifically. wow damn that's it oh but the only thing. but the thing is is that like I had put. it out of my mind that I was ever gonna. be on TV because they told me I was.

never going to be on TV but I wrote my. show and I accidentally got on TV yeah. you know so it's like this thing though. when I see like roles that come to me. I don't fit the box that they want for. Latinas so I end up getting a lot of. sassy a lot of sassy roles that end up. getting cast by black women because I. don't fit the box that they want I. always say that with Latinas you're a. sex pot everybody wants to [ __ ] you and. then you have to go away and like. slightly retire for 10 15 years and then.

you come back as the grandmother yeah. you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah. I did not come to this country yeah. I love it Babel one of the most exciting. things about a new year is that you have. no idea what Adventures are in store for. you man I'm an adventure guy I'm like. Laura Croft. but I just do it in my house you know. from new travel experiences to do new.

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available within 24 hours that's one day. ladies and gentlemen that's. zocdoczocdoc.com bad friends zocdoc.com. bad friends do you ever guys think about. like what you guys go ahead no no I just. want to jump I'm going to jump back on. which auditions and roles and stuff go. ahead well no I want you to go now right. now before because because I'm gonna. we're going to a different direction oh. okay you know what I've noticed recently. with auditions for let's Mexican or. Latino roles in general they've been.

requiring a lot of Spanish. Frankie's good you're the man I have to. I could I can't do like conversational. like getting interviewed in Spanish I. was like [ __ ] up okay you're kind of. like me then but I script that I could. do yeah well let me let me give you some. sentences. I want to give you some sentences let's. see if you guys can do it let's do a. [ __ ] little game here okay all right. excuse me where's the. um bathroom.

yeah there we go yeah but I I wouldn't. have he should have asked me first. because. he just got a point. yeah. wow am I playing. because my first language. or whatever yeah yeah because you also. said excuse me so the correct thing.

would have been comparison oh yeah. oh yeah. see I wouldn't be able to do that I'd. have to call my mom yeah and then my mom. will tell me how to say it I would write. it down phonetically. not in Spanish I would write it down I. grew up in farmland. and my parents speak Spanish yeah so. what happened I understand it we just. never we we they didn't teach us Spanish.

were you part of the generation where. your parents spoke Spanish but they. didn't want you speaking Spanish because. it was like you got another job yeah. no in my neighborhood it was like like. there were a lot of people like that. spoke Spanish parents that had kids that. wouldn't teach them English because it. almost seemed like you mean Spanish in. Spanish because because it almost felt. in a weird way and I don't mean this but. it's like like it's like it's almost. like a promotion like they were here in. the United States you know what I mean. yeah this is why this is what happened. my dad you know my mom's a stay-at-home.

mom my dad's like I'll work you know. back in the day right the old school. style so he he told my mom you teach him. Spanish at home but then my mom said no. I don't want to teach them Spanish. because she thought we would have an. accent and when she was growing up they. put all the Mexican kids in the back Who. had who had accents they put him in the. back of the class. so my mom was like no I don't want them. to have any accents so which is not true. it is true look look what I mean it.

doesn't have an accent and they put me. here in the back of the of the podcast. you see oh yeah they do yeah yeah. colonizer. can you do this podcast. hey man that's not a Mexican either. Carlos or are you Mexican really these. are real Mexicans here I'm really. Mexican my parents are from Mexico City. all right yeah well he's got his blood.

he's got his ancestors right is what and. you guys had asked see I would have been. an Aztec warrior dude if it hadn't been. for his ancestors coming over. Frankie and I would have been freaking. Warriors bro. anyway so get this let me tell you what. happened all right so so I did one I. think it was for that show I did I did. audition for that show uh. yeah. anyway hentified remember that seriously.

yes yes but they required they even. asked at one point when you're done with. the audition like after you do you read. we want you to do 30 seconds a minimum. of a convert tell us about yourself in. Spanish minimum of 30 seconds dude so. Rob de Rocha helped me I had to have Rob. dorocha come over because he's fluent. okay so and then I'm doing poor guys. like he's trying to help me then there. was a couple of lines and I have I gotta.

I gotta post this one of these days but. I read my line in Spanish and Rob starts. to deliver his line and he just starts. laughing like he's like so bad it was. that bad and in I I read my line. whatever it was independently yeah. that's great that's great. again what you just said I don't.

remember what it was but it was. something like that yeah. [Music]. laughing his ass off I go what happened. he goes dude it's just yeah you're not. sick like I don't because I and because. he did that in the audition you probably. [ __ ] yourself up oh that was that was. it right there you know it was a home to. go in with that but no no no it was tape. he was tape and he sent it in but still.

I he he just kind of went he took the. best out of all the bad all the bad ones. and he just goes I would send that one. he goes besides white people are going. to think maybe if the producers aren't. Latino or they're not Mexican they might. think it's okay but I've been seeing a. lot of Spanish and auditions dude and. that's just that it's a it's a I can't. do I can't do that but you can no no I. cannot have a conversation like he said. I can't look at them Australians right.

that learn how to speak in an American. accent. hey look at me. this is. you know. so if you had an audition and if oh you. do speak Korean right no okay yeah yeah.

so could you speak South Korea could you. go in a if it's if it's an audition and. you're supposed to have a conversation. back and forth would you be no okay no. no no no no so do you get hit up for. auditions like that yeah but my age does. not go he's not gonna do it yeah okay. they already know yeah because I can't. I've tried it even my Asian accent sucks. I have two types yeah high and low. that sounds like an Asian's name how are. you doing today. like Chinese you know what I mean yeah. well yeah yeah you know and then and.

then you do that Japanese thing a lot. yeah yeah. but sometimes I think but can I pivot. now a little bit or no yeah yeah yeah I. just wanted to say that I'm noticing. this has not been good for me lately. because there I don't know what's going. on and why everybody's requiring Spanish. these roles but you know look at Pedro. Pascal and these guys do I mean they're. they're already fluent so it's so I. gotta write my in other words kind of.

kind of going off of what christelle was. talking about for me I I feel like I. have to do the same thing because. they're not going to write [ __ ] for a. coconut dude they don't want Hollywood. doesn't want coconut you know people. what coconut is Browning the outside. white on the inside I'm a banana you're. a banana Filipinos are Twinkies are. Twinkies yeah yeah what are you well. same thing as you say pocho is like uh. yeah but butcher's bad that's a that's a. that's a that's a low dig it is I used. to get bites over pocho dude when I was. in school it's similar to coconut though.

yeah yeah but isn't it what could that. sounds worse. a couple of implications there that. you're kind of crazy okay okay because. we said uh Koreans a banana right. Filipinos Twinkie we know blacks Oreo. right yes can I just say something wait. let me get this one out. guess what I found out Native Americans. call the white wash ones what radish. how great is that one that's great. because of red yeah wow red on the. outside white on the end of America why.

is it all about food. I know I know there's some [ __ ]. hungry generalizers yeah. white in the inside it's not. we're American. I was born in America yeah and I'm an. American yeah you know what I you know. what I I don't call myself a Mexican but. you know what I consider a. Mexican-American what is somebody who's. born in Mexico and then came here and.

became and and then got their. citizenship and became or Armenian um. American I was calling myself American. Mexican when I was in school and. everybody laughed at me back then yeah. you guys love Antonio Banderas Antonio. Banderas oh my god dude I love it yeah. is he Mexican no no no no no. he's Spanish right yeah yeah yeah yeah. dude that that I remember that preview.

from uh the trailer from Interview with. a Vampire back in the day we used to die. laughing because the announcer would be. like you know Tom Cruise Brad Pitt and. Antonio Banderas. yeah. was he was at the movie yeah yes. Interview with a Vampire he was well he. was a Spanish vampire. oh that's right.

[Laughter]. I just want to say remember one time on. mad oh my god oh I was supposed to come. out they were doing a fake thing that. that mad was going over to Mexico Mad TV. yeah that show was going to start airing. we were both on Mad TV yeah and so. Colton Dunn love Colton right great.

writer actor. I don't like this you're just. you're just going through the motion so. I get this over with he's telling for a. new generation who's watching this got. it that's true they don't even know. about it he wrote a monologue for me to. come out and and I was gonna do it and. uh so he wrote it in English and then he. just hit the translation Spanish honey I. don't know what kind of Spanish that was. all right there were words in there I. had never I was like what is this and. Colton's like it's I just hit.

translation on Google. um I'm so proud to work with you it was. fun yeah it was a fun two years yeah. yeah yeah go on you know what that was. that you can cut out no we're not that. last piece no yeah yeah pivot panic. [Laughter]. a little bit um. you about to Pivot.

you know I kind of don't want a pivot. now I feel like the pivot's not gonna. work no no yeah do you have any desire. to learn speak more Korean or are you. just like I am who I am that's it. well I just don't know how that would. help me. okay because you know um Koreans you. know are doing well in movies but the. Koreans in Korea are making their movies. I'll never be as good right as them to. be in a movie like that so it's like and. the I I don't really get Asian parts. anymore I'm just like I think I'm more.

known as a slackery [ __ ] up you know I. mean and so I'm getting kind of those. stonery kind of which is actually a. really cool place to be at yeah yeah. once you become I'm excited because but. once you be it's you know called it like. you're once you become a type yeah you. can work all forever. so like those actors that are character. actors they they're a type like Luis. Guzman this dude is work because he's. always gonna be when they go hey we need. kind of like a sloppy Hispanic dude it's.

Luis Guzman yeah they're gonna go to. Louise every single time yeah he's a. type he's been a type for 30. even if. like if I'm I'm on reservation dogs and. I play a doctor I'm the same kind of as. the Magnum I'm just what a great part. yeah you know. I love you.

I have talked to them it was but I can't. attack her. no but she's bringing up great points. she's making an entry you guys are. killing it this is so fun thank you so. much for being here that just seems I've. been so [ __ ] fun oh I love it okay. thank you okay all right. um pivot he only pointed to us because. you were late yeah no I love it bro you. have family time you have fun with you I. know whatever.

was like yeah they're gonna have Mexican. there bad friends I was like what yeah. yeah Mexican who do you think I was. gonna be here I was like oh I don't know. like a big old homie. I I wasn't even told that it was Mexican. day when I told you it was with the two. people that that are on here you didn't. make that assumption no I just thought. that we were Comics oh you're right. he told me and then I come here and it's. a [ __ ] like.

yeah. they're trying to betray you it's a. betrayal. again the Spanish so I always think to. myself if I see a western or whatever. right I think to myself oh if I was an. Asian back then and who I am now yeah. with all my eccentric behaviors and who. I am what would I do like a hundred. years ago what job would I have what. kind of woman would I have as a wife you. know in America what do you guys think.

you'd be doing. I would I would have oh like if I grew. up with my dad's era my dad was born in. 1935 yeah. um I probably would have been like him. like a lot of Labor work. construction pool plastic little too so. what's that got to do with it yeah what. does that have to do with construction. because if I own the farm I would just. go look at the little guy yeah.

[ __ ] you know you would have went to an. interim Camp if you not even being. Japanese you probably would have been. such an internet because they would have. just been like we don't care if you're. Korean we're pretty sure there were some. Koreans there like what are we doing. here right yeah like that yeah so you. would be working. I know right it's like you know it's. actually that does sound like a Mexican. accent if you did the whole like what. are you doing here yeah go up yeah go up.

what are you doing here what about you. Crystal. um I think I already know what you'd be. but go ahead. I come from a family that's very. old-fashioned my dad kidnapped my mom. and what like her Village in Mexico your. dad kidnapped your mom that's how people. got married back then wow like a simpler. days. yeah imagine if you were still. unfuckable in those days oh no what if. my kidnapped skills aren't good no it's.

not you have to lure you would have no. choice. yeah no the man would just go to the. house and make the woman go with him and. the woman had no option so that's my mom. so I would say that if she eventually. fell in love with your dad no okay no no. no no my mom was actually the first. woman in her family to ever leave her. husband she tried to leave him and uh. she went to her brother and her brother. took her back to the husband of course. that was abusive and he said your job as.

a woman is to be his wife poor women. dude to me like that's what I would. that's what I would say my life would be. my life would be to this. I was raised as a kid in Texas to make. sure that my brothers were taken care of. all the men you know had more rights. than I was and that's why it's kind of. weird but I get to do stand-up and that. I've gotten to the place that I've been. at because it's a total 180 from where I. grew up in you know so like for me I. wouldn't say you're going to be a. community organizer or something you. seem like one of those people that were.

like you know they need better rights. you're back in the day half my life is. that like right now that's what uh like. I'm going to DC. um tomorrow to uh do uh anyway what. about you Frankie. feet around someone's dick. oh he missed that he wasn't here. that's my side Hustle.

all right well I proposed this earlier. somebody hey homie that's party yeah. yeah yeah if somebody dm'd you and said. hey bro I'm a big fan. um you know I'm a billionaire right how. much would I have to pay you I don't. know billionaires talk like that hey bro. I'm a big fan I'm a billionaire he. invented lowriders. hey bro I invented low riders.

[Laughter]. yeah 500 years. is that a guitar or a singer or a player. yeah it's like though yeah it's a whole. crew yeah it's a it's a group oh and. Mariachi is a group yeah the Mariachis. so if like one guy said whatever um. Morgan and Morgan Morgan and Morgan is.

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to get 10 off your first month that's. better help better. help.com slash bad friends. you rabbit [ __ ] yeah yeah. when guys rabbit [ __ ] do you like it or. not I I didn't even know Robin [ __ ] was. a thing. of a short guy yeah I mean Asia's called. the sewing machine.

okay here we go so no one's ever rapid. [ __ ] you like really fast. really so you do slow for him. [Laughter]. do you always sewing machine what I do. sewing machine all the time every time. do you think that in your head I'm like. oh I'm [ __ ] you're good. no why does he have a Mexican accent. yeah you know but I'll do slow for him.

and then all of a sudden you know if you. could see him if I was a cartoon you. would see a light bulb. and then you would see that would vanish. if you see a rabbit right and then I'm. like rabbit time and I'll do it for like. 20 stages hard right leg hard and the r. and the girls I don't know what their. faces are like but it's I don't think. they like it. I think they're like. like this is weird yeah it's too fast. it's too fast this is for him yeah.

yes for him I think I'm doing it for her. but it's probably no it's not for her no. it's not for her it's not for her at all. that right there when you start doing. that they think that it's all about you. and you're interested in getting it off. and you're not gonna do [ __ ] for her oh. that's offensive what you just said. because it's true no because because. you're saying that when I rabbit [ __ ] at. the end of my rabbit [ __ ] does come.

it's not no I go back to slow form no no. no I'm saying I go back to sleep no it's. not offensive because I'm saying that's. what they think at that moment ah so. they don't know what's coming but. literally after one day I start going. back into slow form I would say. so I would say so yeah. it's.

[Laughter]. not like when you're playing. the power of your character. rabbit [ __ ] is full power and then. you're like oh I gotta like wait to load. up again right right the little energy. bar kind of yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you. gotta like take it to the edge yeah like. you gotta find like a life support [ __ ]. or something yeah some crates you know.

I'm old I'm not in shape. yeah I can wrap it for five for days or. my early 20s I always pictured you it. was like a rabbits. yeah are you serious bro I kissed a. rabbit folks for days. rabbit [ __ ] is like a vibrator. [Laughter]. I always pictured you as a I'm just.

gonna lay on my back and have the girl. ride you you seem like that kind of guy. like he's your slacker guy you know what. I mean I just I totally would not. picture you doing the sewing machine. because you're like you know you even. say it you don't like to do anything. you're [ __ ] lazy. wow he's like Bobby's accepting all of. this like he's like really processing. this yeah you know what's weird whenever. they say something you laugh. hysterically I say something.

no okay. [Laughter]. well you're saying. um I think about right because it's very. um potent what you're saying and real. and I'm trying to analyze what you're. saying that's why oh yeah yeah yeah. um because you do like being on uh a. girl on top that's true but can I say. something right now my friend yeah my.

old friend you get Amigo yep you can. wrap a style from the bottom what's up. dog. you're doing the under power thrust. [Laughter]. I will tell you this I think that uh. women or maybe me yeah when I meet a guy. I imagine how they're gonna [ __ ] right. and sometimes I don't want to [ __ ] them. by what they look like all right how.

about this this is great and by that. have you ever been surprised though when. you thought you had a homie figure it. out barely okay how about this but I'll. tell you this and I I but when I say let. me disclaim it when I say by what they. look like I don't mean physical looks I. mean by like like when you were saying. the slacker thing yeah like I I agreed. with you all right so let's let's play. this game wait wait you don't know. Frankie Johnny or me no right we're at a. [ __ ] we could be at a bar or. quinceanera whatever you want okay.

right. in. um Albuquerque. been there love it okay so we're in a. bar of Albuquerque right we're homies. yeah that's three we walk in yeah hey. homie you know how we do yeah yeah. you know how we do it right and you're. looking at us so go to Johnny first how.

would he [ __ ] just based on his look and. be real Johnny is a strong guy he's a. comic Legend. well she doesn't know that whole. backstory though she's going based off. just look yeah she said that's what she. said okay okay that's what she said she. can do I would say that Johnny likes to. take his time in a good way. I think that just by looking at him I. know that he's not like he's not in his. 20s so he actually has been around where. he might have picked up a couple lessons. like a lot of tips so I think that for. me like just seeing that I'm like you.

know what if I saw Johnny at a bar and. like we were in that room I would be. like you know what I would maybe chance. it you know what I mean I would probably. you know it's like because because of. the it's like what and by the way. question like when I say that I assume. like you know that I guess what the guys. are and stuff I also mean that I've. talked to them a little bit too you know. what I mean so okay you wanna get some. conversations going on. I just wanted to have that okay but you. know what kind of vaguely what he talks. like yeah yeah I would be like just from.

that and like what he looks like I would. be like he might be a no he might be. like a decent [ __ ] Frankie. Frankie I think. this could hurt. how do you feel right now she's pretty. spot on and I'll tell you oh so gross. no no let me tell you why yeah I don't. know if it's because I was raised the. three older sisters no brothers oh here.

we go. I take care of the woman first it's all. about her people rarely do that yeah I. know women like they rarely do that men. men don't it's all about them so I take. my I I've always I'm not I'm not lying. I've been told I'm very one one word. that's been used for me for years and. years passionate and I'm very passionate. oh I I'm with vomiting in my mouth yeah. oh that's so yeah wow I take my time I. make sure she's all right yeah yeah I do.

that too dog. all right we do it too dog she's pretty. close all right let's go to Frankie now. now I would think that Frankie if we. were at a bar I would be excited to see. him if we talk I'm like oh you know what. this could go either way you could. either be really great but I doubt it. because I actually think that he's the. kind of guy that would that would. probably have a couple choices and when. people have a couple choices they don't. really focus on one person because.

they're spreading it around so what. you're saying is I don't have any. choices. [Laughter]. and that's true I feel good no no no and. she's and she's spot on I've never been. a guy that had a bunch of options I've.

never been a woman that's had a lot of. options like I've never had options he's. lying well I I'm telling the truth you. are lying that was only because you see. me perform and I was young when he was. young and the hottest comic in L.A this. guy used to be the hottest comic in LA. right when he says this. leather jacket I used to watch it from. the back I go this guy's a rock star. yeah a [ __ ] rock star but that but. the girls are hooked up with me because. I was on stage Bobby that's David. [Laughter].

enough about that not me. Pain's coming so I need some support. that's why I look at Carlos right I know. some Pain's coming I'm not gonna lock. eyes with you during this segment right. I'm gonna look at Carlos right and I'm. not gonna have any expressions and I'm. gonna take it like a man go ahead.

uh since you said that we had already. talked I think that I would consider you. very hard to impress on my end I think. that you're actually somebody that you. know because you think that you're not. [ __ ] or whatever but the way that. you talk. you're actually somebody that's very. intimidating towards a woman. so because like the way that you talk. you're not playing any games that that. the women are used to you are not like. you are not what women are used to. dealing with so they don't know what the. [ __ ] to do with you so like imagine like.

you know that's why when Johnny was. saying that you look like a like because. you gave off the slacker Vibes you would. expect that the woman would be like. dominant meaning that you want to be. dominant and like not doing anything. because and that is actually very. confusing because at this point it's. just like wait I either a I'm gonna have. to do all the work because you seem like. you don't give a [ __ ] enough like like. where you're just like happy you're like. calm you're where you are like whatever. but when I talk to you.

it's just like man does he want to [ __ ]. or not and it's that thing where like so. when we actually get to have sex [ __ ]. yeah you know it's like I don't it's a. riddle because and I'll tell you this I. will say. oh it's a mind game I'm a Batman villain. Benjamin like you wait your turn. no you know why you're a henchman. because people don't know [ __ ] about the.

backstory of the henchmen and that's you. oh wow you know what I mean everybody. but I am evil. you got you got a bad side to you oh. there we go but with Bobby do you think. the end result would be satisfying or. you'd be doing it too much work there is. no answer because Bobby. I will say [ __ ] Bobby is having like. is get buying a candy that's a mystery. flavor. and you don't know it's like a Harry. Potter candy I don't know anything about. Harry Potter but like AirHeads they have. a mystery flavor that's like question. mark you're like a question mark what is.

it like you would be I'm a mystery he's. like somebody that I wouldn't know which. way it's going to go right uh yeah yeah. like I could have a dick or a platypus. foot oh no no you definitely have a dick. but it's either like you know what it is. it's like I would either expect that. like when you tell people like like I. could either be like. [ __ ] Bobby Lee yeah exactly. shut up [ __ ] you Frankie [ __ ] you. Frankie I never saw you this interesting. I'm like oh wow yeah you know what.

because you know. um I was actually saying this right I. think right before we started recording. it's like the reason I said like when. Bobby asked me to be on the podcast. today I said yes I like Bobby a lot. because he's no [ __ ] so it's that. thing where like he doesn't hold back. he's very him so like that's the thing. that for me I'm like whatever he says. goes and it's just like and that's how. you know who he is so at a bar if I saw. you and we talked I'm like that's what. like at least I know who the [ __ ] you.

are you're not telling me that you're. looking for something serious you're not. trying like just to get me like just to. try to get me back into like two years. now now it's our turn. by the way I don't mean to Pivot real. quick but she was talking about villains. uh. I just want to ask a question because I. find myself ever since I was a kid I. always gravitated to the villains and. not the heroes me too okay I remember.

watching. the first you know the very first Star. Wars and you know there's Luke there's. Han Solo or whatever I just was like. nothing nothing I'm just like this as. soon as I saw Darth Vader I'm like. there's my guy and I've always been I've. I just lean toward I love the Riddler I. love the Joker's my favorite villain. because they're complex characters I. mean you look at Travis Bickle from Taxi. Driver right yeah I mean what a dark. character but you're on his side because.

a lot of his um issues you kind of. relate to you know the isolation the. overthinking you know you know I I if I. wasn't a stand-up comic and had the life. that I had I could see myself not become. a killer or anything like that but I. could see myself going dark and thinking. a lot and yeah I mean is that weird. inner thoughts you know I mean I just. don't act on them and whatnot but I I. relate to those characters me too is. that what it is maybe that's yeah I. think that to me it's kind of like I see. certain villains as an underdog and it's.

because the way that we show The Good. the quote-unquote good how you're. supposed to be kind of like the good. team the good side is always very like. oh man they're just perfect vanilla like. they're just oh man look at like they. have the looks like they have everything. it's kind of like I always go back to. like Bad News Bears right it's like a. team of just like these like people that. come in together and try to make it work. and like they're seen as the underdog. and a lot of the villains Darth Vader to.

me is kind of like a different thing. because if you look at the merchandising. Darth Vader is just so dominant over the. good side because the good side has so. many Heroes yeah but we always go back. to Darth Vader right so he's dominant. right but it's that thing where like. you're also so empathy there because you. have the emperor yes right so you know. he's not you know he's being manipulated. too from a guy above 100 and then he had. a lot of trauma as a young kid right.

yeah and younger issues yeah yeah when. you see the prequels you actually start. thinking like uh when you see Anakin's. rise you're thinking oh now I know why. he's Darth you know and you kind of. can't like what is it uh with like like. princess amidalia or whatever it's like. you know you start seeing and you're. like [ __ ] like now I get why he's a dick. you know what I mean yeah to me that's. why like when we get to delve into the. villains and honestly I think that the. villains the villains and the heroes.

those are labels that we create but in. our everyday life we have villains and. we have Heroes that we label because the. heroes are nice to us and the villains. aren't and sometimes the villains aren't. nice to us because maybe we're the. villains back to them you know so I love. that kind of [ __ ] yeah I'm probably a. villain when I drink right Bobby oh yeah. I changed to the villain yeah yeah. um that's interesting yeah yeah you know. you said you brought up teams like the. bad news bear when I was a kid my dad.

was a Die Hard 49er fan right so I hear. he had the whole outfit. you can finish I promise you will finish. I promise you'll be finished let me just. can I right you're a pivot King. and I love it I love to see you work. okay all right yes let's go on baseball. now no no no no let me just say this I'm. not going to go into base what I was but. when I so I'm a 49er fan right the. colors gold red white it's a bright yeah.

I started watching the Raiders they were. mean they were dirty they cheated and. they were black they were in black and I. just fell in love with that team dude oh. my God and the jerseys were black. they were they had a lot their hair was. outside of their helmets I mean they. were called mullets. so I remember I switched to the you know. broke my dad's heart the rest of my. family all Niner fans all of them and I.

went to the dark just because like she. said she liked the bad news I love the. Raiders because they were they were they. were mean and dirty dude and I as a kid. I was just like and I think that's. because I got picked on a lot you know. what I mean because I was the smallest. kid in the class the middle guy yeah. yeah. you know it's funny is that my family. I'm the only Cowboys fan everybody in my. family Steelers. yeah well because I want to say that in. the 70s they had an exhibit game or.

something in Mexico. and my family just became in love with. like the Steelers yeah and because I was. born and was raised in Texas I picked. Cowboys and it's just that thing where. like your family doesn't understand why. they're like yeah it's almost like you. have a like like this problem. yeah man yeah but anyway I just was. curious about that villains people with. I I just didn't know that I but I guess. other people do that and gravitate. towards I love Bobby's facial. expressions throughout all of it he. hides nothing like you're you talk about.

trying to change it and he's like oh. okay yeah but how come he keeps doing. that face when I talk there's nobody. else I'll be honest completely honest. with you can I be honest with you yeah. Bobby of course because I know you the. best I have a long history with you yeah. right and um yeah I mean I. I love you man yeah. we visited his like if we visited. Bobby's house Frankie and I would use.

the guest bathroom oh you're in the man. yeah you're like oh wow you get to eat. soaps yeah my body washes yeah yeah yeah. we do go back man you know I met you and. we met in 98. I know oh my God I know. that's 25 years ago it's insane what 25. I thought it was 98. 25 years ago man I was gonna add 10. no. you're thinking 90 you're thinking 88. 88 is 35 years ago.

98 is 25. how old do you think we are. well apparently from your stories yeah. well I'm older than Bob yeah no yeah I. mean I've known you I was. um. enamored by you yeah anyway. and I was the only one nice to Bobby at. the gravity store. let me just say this okay great episode. oh are we done yeah another great. episode chemistry was great yeah I I.

generally don't laugh that hard but with. these these ones when I do this he was. going to say these ones. was so fun too oh yeah yeah and they're. just oh you like the theme you like the. theme ones not just themed I like being. it with you know um people that I like. that are funny and seeing what the. mixture because even the last one I. didn't know what the mixture would be. like it just could have gone awry yeah. you know what I mean yeah I haven't. called Carlos and I go I don't know what. this mixture is going to be like yeah I.

mean so um but it was it's just beyond. you know I mean. expectation Johnny can you look at this. camera and say gracias porcer malos. Amigos. say that again. Los Amigos. gracias gracias for sale Amigos. gracias oh gracias you said like you. said parsias.

no no there isn't so. I don't know that I. have never heard of that before so. [Laughter]. somebody said hey say thank you I would. just go gracias that's all I would say. does that cover it. what he's trying to say is. the way we close the shows somebody. looks in the camera and goes thank you. for being a bad friend oh that's right. okay okay.

go ahead. gracias. [Music]. gracias Amigos. all right. [Music].