Great Balls Of Fire | Ep 31 | Bad Friends

come see me and Christy Stephano on the. East Coast as I do October 8th 9th 10th. and 11th go to Andrew santo. you can. find out where I'm doing all that stuff. you two are bad friends who are these. two idiots a white dude and an Asian. dude you two are. disgusting you two or something we're. bad friends Papa got them Dope shades on. hi rude hi. Hi how are you how are you dude hey.

little baby when you. you no hey little baby is hey little. girl is your daddy. home I'm fire true hey little baby. shining on and I don't know why you. don't know don't know mhm and your. mind's on fire NOP. oh I'm on. fire hey.

hey little baby when you're Dum dumb and. you don't know mine socket all. right. yeah. oh. oh I'm a. fire you know I always sing that song. it's a raining Ash hallelujah it's. raining. Ash oh fire it's all on fire it's on.

fire fire fire. fire great ball fire what's going on he. used to date his you know huh his cousin. 14 what that guy that sang Great Balls. of Fire uh Henry con Henry conic J. that's not his name Henry Le Harry conic. J didn't they make a movie oh you know. who played him who one of the Quaid. Brothers Randy yeah either one J Jason.

Terry Taylor uh qu Taylor qu Taylor. Quaid played the guy in the movie Great. Balls of Fire hi rude hi it's so Smoky. outside can I I'm going to show you. something this is incredible this got. sent to me this morning um we can't play. the music but people that home can look. it up someone took the footage of what's. going on in San Francisco and put it to. the Blade Runner soundtrack oh [ __ ] and. we can't play the music because you know. YouTube will get us but look at how. insane this looks this is all legit this. is this is what it looks like what's. going on down there God look at how.

insane that is this is not doctored. there is no filter on this oh my God. this is real Drone footage that's up on. the crazy interweb it's it what color is. that Bob redish orango that's Andrew. Santino oh Andrew Santino color that. literally looks like me that's like as. if I blanketed the city of San. Francisco yeah it's a terrible color. terrible it's a terrible imagine if you. have to live with it all over your body. yeah this San Francisco knows what I. feel like for a couple of days the. ridicule that they're facing that's this.

is what I feel every day in my life yeah. but you know what actually your face. structure and stuff like God didn't [ __ ]. you entirely no no no the face is he. gave you a pretty good face so you know. I'm going to make he probably turned to. Moses and you know Saint somebody and. said Moses was around Moses sa somebody. Cleopatra whoever it might be I'm going. to make he's Southern so he you know God. Southern oh he is yeah because you know. look at the Christians let me tell you. something I'm fixing to make me a little. dude and I'm going to make him Freckle.

face redheaded yeah but I'm going to. make him kind of good looking he going. to be okay yeah yeah yeah and then. everyone's like laughing right but let's. see he's gonna die anyway he's gonna die. people are going to kill him when he's. young the people are G to kill him but. watch and he threw him you down there. and you [ __ ] survived it all and and. all the disciples like Cleopatra and sa. somebody was like I can't believe he. survived they survived it yeah he was. like no I'm not gonna make another one. of those again that's the last one I'm. gonna do when he made you he went check. this out.

check out this bigheaded little. flat-faced dude I'm about to make right. here this buggy eyed massive headed dude. you're goingon to love this dude this. dude short Stumpy stock short Stumpy St. he's never going to get over 5T tall. even with lifts in his shoes and this. little dud this little dude's going to. be a. Le when he made Rudy what'd he say when. he made Rudy well you know what I'm. going to make you know what I mean I'm. going to make a human pygmy a little. pygmy like yeah a pixie pigy little.

pixie Pigman girl yeah and this one. right here is going to um her face is. going to look like a tiny Bean like a. little bean like a little like a little. one ear bigger than the other ear could. you you have noticed that which one is. bigger rude my left take off your. headphones real fast so we can see show. the camera I'm going to make one ear big. and it listen man it's big Hey listen to. me man hey man listen to me man sorry. man like if she was a bird she wouldn't. be able to fly or she'd fly in a circle. that that's why I'm going to make one. one ear bigger than the other right I.

want to make really skinny skinny like. gmy arms tin arms little T-Rex feet. though big Sasquatch feet sasquatchy. feet big feet you could water ski on. them yeah you don't even need water skis. you got skis on your feet right now well. if she lived in if she was an Eskimo she. wouldn't need. snowshoes you know the snow shoes that. yeah yeah yeah she wouldn't need snow. shoes would need snow shoes and uh we're. going to have her funny accent and uh. she's going to love dumb things like. anime anime but she's going to she's.

going to be a master of knives oh yeah a. master of knives you'll see look at this. they found Rudy on the internet so many. fans sent this to us by the way this is. Rudy Rudy you got found on the internet. I don't know if you've ever seen this. clip let's see the music is uh the theme. of. Halloween look at this little girl tell. me this isn't. Rudy little mini Rudy Rudy Julien what. were you doing there.

yeah what was going on yeah that is that. really is her how creepy is that [ __ ]. creepy the mom just gave this little. girl this little girl's got to be like I. don't know seven six. seven look at and she just like here's a. knife here's a mask and made her dance. around in the living room that looks. exactly like Rudy by the way it's the. same color brown isn't it but we don't. know the fish she could be 42 she is. she's Asian then that's LP that's a. little person that's a little person. sized you know what I said the other day. I just saw Brad Williams this morning I.

just played golf with him speaking to. little people wait wait. that I play golf with Brad this. morning. you what where do you get his. clubs what do you mean I mean I mean is. no could I just ask right go ahead yeah. there's probably like CU he goes to Baby. Gap or whatever right no for his clothes. so he probably there's probably is there. a baby Golf Club um store yeah no I'm. being real is there is there golf clubs.

for kids that's what mini golf is I know. but are there golf clubs I'm not I'm. being real I'm not trying to make fun of. them yeah they golf clubs for kids yes. there are and he's using the golf club. for kids I think he gets adult clubs. fashioned for him they get you can get. him. shortened. Bob it's amazing I thought you know what. I thought about the other day I said no. but let's let's and does he wear like. when he does the uh you know the you. know the C the golf clart oh yeah is. there like a little miniature like you. know what I mean one that it's a side C.

Mattel makes have you ever seen like a. motorcycle with a side so there's a golf. cart and there's a mini golf cart right. next to it oh I see and he gets into. that one so um that's great that's. wonder that just makes me laugh he was. good at golf he's a good I've never seen. a dwarf. golf uh have you ever seen that I've. never seen it I mean I've I've played. with I've never seen a dwarf do a lot of. things like what Skydive I have oh you. have I don't know if they you would. think that they would just fly away I. don't think hear me he go ah and then. the wind would just take them to like. Argentina or I don't know if he was. skydiving or they were throwing him out.

of the plane but I did see a dwarf get. out pushed out of a plane oh I'm sure. they were pushed out as I don't think he. got I don't think he got a shoot yeah I. think push him out joke you know what I. mean no Brad Brad's a good golfer no. there's no way there's no way is the. hole like closer to him like in the. middle of the it's bigger twice as big. oh oh twice as big for him am I being. mean no yeah I love him no we love he's. what a great little guy he's awesome. he's my favorite because I'm so small. yeah I'm so small that like you're not. much bigger than Brad I know that's the. thing.

like you know when I BR I always whisper. to him I go I just like hanging out with. you because you know the whole world has. always been like I'm the dwarf no really. has cuz when I walk into places. everyone's so much bigger than I am. right that I kind of have to look I want. to like rub your head whenever I see you. cuz right so then when I'm Brad I go I. just just like this is new for this is. just a good experience for me well you. know what I said I said the other day I. was like I want to play with Brad and I. was thinking about Brad M cuz I hav't. seen him in a long time and I thought.

but Brad must feel more vulnerable than. we ever think sometimes like imagine. walking on the street at any moment some. psycho some crazy dude on the street on. drug could just kick him someone could. just run up and just and boot him right. I mean think about that think about. every day of your life some crazy person. could when you walk past a crazy person. on the street. like you know that guy that like yells. at the trash yeah yeah that guy could. just turn and see him and go hey and. Brad's like H just runs up to him and. could kick him yeah physically boot him.

yeah I think about that like he could. just get kicked someone could just run. up and kick him don't you how crazy is. that yeah but when it you could kick a. dwarf something bad bad's going to. happen it's seven years bad luck I'm. sure it's seven something bad it's like. when you break a mirror it's like. putting a hat on a bed or you know what. I mean one yeah that's bad yeah yeah. what is it black cat don't walk under a. ladder don't walk under a ladder um. don't do don't kick a dwarf don't kick a. dwarf don't kick a dwarf don't cross. eyes if you want you to go cross eyes. you can't go back right um right here. well you know my dad used Jer out too.

much you get hairy hands hair hands yeah. yeah you know that. one parents used to tell their kids if. you masturbate you're going to get hairy. hand what's the other one if and I would. just masturbate and I look at my hand. nothing yeah still nothing Asians are. hairless for the most part I think maybe. it's in the inside of the hand because I. have to shave I've shaved this every oh. yeah yeah that's funny now what what uh. there's so many those o do you believe. in that stuff rude do you believe in. that um in bad luck stuff do you believe. in any of this is superstition is that. what it is um no I mean I have OCD.

things where I have to touch things. three times or like in a movie theater I. have to look at a guy three times in. back of me so like shut up oh yeah you. know you sit down you have to turn and. look three times no that's why if you if. I'm at a movie theater um and we're. watching a movie you'll never see me. turn. around because if I turn around like if. I turn around and look at somebody I'll. go this is what'll happen this is what. you'll see okay I'll be watching the. movie oh look at Tom Cruz just jumping. over buildings does his own stunts what. an amazing guy mhm oh look at him go.

he's little but he seems big why do you. have to keep looking over watch the. movie stop looking at me no I'm not. looking at no that's not I'm I haven't. done it yet well don't look at me. anymore stop it you're no you're the guy. I'm sitting next to oh so I you're. watching the yeah you're watching the. movie too yeah yeah sorry so um okay. goad so this is why I'm watching oh wow. look at him go God yeah he's so maybe I. should become a Scientologist that's. what I thinks when I say maybe yeah yeah. it looks good and I go what's going on. what are you what what are you doing I.

that's what I have to do well so what do. you need to you look do you recognize. him no it's just a human being you make. eye cont I think that something bad's. going to happen if I don't turn around. two more times he's gonna no it I no. it's has nothing to do with him just in. general in general I think like if I. don't do it then I'm going to leave the. theater and then a dwarf's going to kick. me oh that makesense something like that. you know what I mean or that makes sense. or like I'm going to get in a car. accident or something will happen I do. that at I do it when I I'm at night do.

you touch the light do you have to touch. like the light Swit this is what when. Kil like last night Kila was sleeping. next to me and my elbow hit her right. yeah so then I have to do this this. elbow and then this. elbow and then it woke her up she's like. what are you doing are you doing that. thing again yeah yeah I can oh dude. that's OCD it's crazy yeah that's not. suid that's like OCD that's like a. assessive compulsive disorder no that's. no it's it's it's Superstition Noe do. you have Superstition rude um when I. point at a tree at night I always um do.

do. this. yeah what when you point at a tree yeah. if ever I point at a tree I have to like. um bite your finger yeah that okay what. kind of f Voodoo [ __ ] is that that dude. that I've never heard that before in my. life a. tree that's the weirdest thing I've ever. heard because you know what because you. you're thinking to yourself how the [ __ ].

did you come up with that yeah wait wait. the first the first time how do you bite. it how do you bite your finger show me. just that's it I can imagine her going. like this looking at a tree one day and. going I have to do. something you know what I mean do I tap. my feet three times you know what I mean. do I raise my hands and do this with my. hands you know what I mean no I'll do. this what do this mean what is that Rudy. what does that mean um older people said. that um if you point on a tree um you. have um if if you don't bite it then.

your fingers are going to be cut off. Filipino folk that's Filipino fol so. somebody taught her that yeah that's. crazy when you point at a tree it it. your your finger's going to get cut off. Yeah by um some kind of. monster I mean it's crazy have you been. to the Philippines there's trees. everywhere so you can you you just see. Filipinos buying their [ __ ] F all day. just walking around it's crazy Hi how. are. you yeah yeah why we got to cut that. trees down this is getting out of.

control you know what I mean that's the. weirdest thing insane it's insane I used. to the only thing I had was in high. school this was crazy and it went away. because in my mind I thought oh [ __ ]. this going to be it forever when I got. out of the shower in high school you. know when you I had a we had a knob that. and you pop it out and then you can turn. hot or cold you know what I'm talking. about and when you push it in the little. drain thing goes down so when I when. that went down I would have to catch it. before it went down and spin it on my. finger yeah that's weird too crazy. that's crazy it would GOP cuz the noise.

was like King Kong so I'd go King and. then catch it and I'd spin it and then. I'd have in my mind I'd have a good day. yeah that's pretty crazy right isn't. that weird but you know what's weirder. pointing at a tree and putting your. finger in your mouth that's crazy that's. really strange biting it mine was like a. mine was like just an I just the habit. of not making the noise so because it. was so loud when it clamped that that's. like saying um you have to do something. when you see the sun yeah you have to. go you me yell at the sun yeah it's just. something that's like just so like when. you see a cloud right you have to put.

two fingers you know I mean on your. eyebrows right and go Allelujah. Hallelujah whatever it's crazy yeah but. I've seen that before in the Philippines. they do that they do that but you know. what my mom used to say cuz when I you I. don't know if you guys did this but when. you have a charlie horse oh right or you. have dead you know you have or Charlie. Horse you lick your. finger right three times you and you put. it on your nose that doesn't help the. Charlie Horse it does no way I swear to. it does really yeah it does if you have.

a charlie horse go there what about when. you get a leg you know when you get a. muscle cramp you know when your leg. tightens up the worst feeling in the. world when you're like oh and you try to. go straight with it you're like and it. hurts even more lick your nose lick it. oh my god it works everything really. yeah I think you I think it's. psychological it's getting your brain. away from the away from the feeling. maybe yeah yeah that's so strange like. whenever I would have a um whenever I'd. have like a like a sore tooth or. something and my mom she would come in. the room and I'd say oh I have a sore.

tooth and she's like I'm going to go get. something and she would go she would. leave the room and never come back and. the soreness would go away I thought she. was going to go get something for me and. and I was thinking about what she was. going to get and it never she never. would come back with something and it. would go away really I swear to God. because it's in your mind I think she's. going to go get something to help me you. know it's it's it's funny it's like my. parents didn't know about like. traditional things that you tell kids or. you know or folklore American folklore. or any of that tooth fairy and stuff.

that right so you know you you you you. hear about it from friends right yeah if. you put you as a kid you know if you put. your tooth underneath your pillow you. get a dollar you get a dollar right but. if your parents have to know about that. right so I would just why would they. have to know about to because at the end. of the day it's that it's their parents. that put the [ __ ] Dollar in there. right it's not really a tooth fairy yes. it. [Laughter]. is what are you talking about.

there's there's no I'm like Santa Claus. right your parents have to get know. about Santa Claus for them well they. have to know about it to teach you about. who he is no no about cuz they're the. ones that buy the presents and put the. presents underneath the. tree I love what you're I think this. character is so funny I think you're a. little misinformed I don't know how they. do it in South Korea yeah so so what. you're telling me and. CLA Santa claa so you St Nick a fat.

white guy who probably has diabetes he. does have diabetes yes and um I don't. know how old these reindeer are 148,000. years old he says that he says that all. the time he songs yeah he goes to every. single house billions of houses in one. night yeah okay how could it not be. possible have you never seen him tracked. on Norad do you know what NORAD is no. you don't know what NORAD is they track. where he goes they track Santa Claus on.

Norad with satellites I don't know where. he is right now let's see official NORAD. Santa tracker let's see what he's up to. Rudy don't laugh come back December 1st. all right so the tracker's off right now. anyway the joke I was going to tell. about my parents about the tooth but you. know now the joke is not not it's not. going to work now hold on we can get. back I'm he going to throw it out there. just because I have OCD about it okay. what is it right I think the bit I was. trying to go for is that um I just I. don't know something about maybe I had. 15 feet uh teeth underneath my pillow. over the years something like that I. don't know it wasn't going to work I'll. give let me give you one no it's okay. you just you just [ __ ] my joke but I.

didn't no let's go back to NORAD though. no no stop norad's not up right now no. can I tell there's a friend of mine cuz. I was going to go to another bit about. um you can go into the bit I was going. to go about another bit but then the. bits aren't going to work now because. you your your joke was funnier yeah. about the thing yeah sorry yeah yeah. about about not knowing when so then now. the but I have to throw the jokes up. because I have OCD did your dad not know. about tooth fairy for real.

but here's another shitty joke I was. going to get into right and and if. they're not even true I was these jokes. I was going to throw out but I have to. say it now because of my OCD right your. joke CU this is the this is the episode. right so I'm just going to do it yeah is. is that. um you know like the things that you. would tell your kids like the the thing. is is that if you watch the TV so like. what do they say your parents say if you. sit too close to the TV what happens you. go blind you're right that's my dad kind. of took it and made it his own Korean. way mhm he would go if you watch TV too.

close Grandpa's going to die right and. then I'd be like he's dead already he. goes you did. it so that was a joke I was going to say. see that's still good I know but imagine. the joke now if I didn't with the. pretext sorry you know I would have hit. a home run there it was a it was a third. B it was a triple yeah in the par it was. you know but you're very funny thanks. and we have to go with your gut instinct. about that that was my instinct yeah. yeah let me give you a joke that my I I.

can't I'm not going to take credit for. this okay but my my friend used to have. a joke my friend Ken had a joke years. ago that made me laugh harder than I've. ever laughed in my life and he he used. to say uh he's like my dad's from India. and they don't know American Customs. just like you yeah yeah and he used to. say uh the Tooth Fairy my tooth fell out. and I said dad my tooth fell out and he. goes okay throw it in the Dres and he. said no no no I'm GNA put it under the. pillow and the tooth fa is going to come. and and give me money yeah and he goes. what what are you talking about and he.

goes if I put my tooth under the pillow. in the middle of the night a Fairy comes. in and leaves me a dollar everyone at. school is talking about they're all. losing their teeth yeah and then and he. goes interesting and he goes to bed he. says he wakes up the next day and he. looks underneath his pillow and there's. no money under there yeah his tooth is. still there yeah and so are 10 of his. dad's. teeth and his dad comes in and goes come. on divy up the cash how much did we get. how good is that joke a funny joke it's.

my Budd Ken but it's not real that. didn't actually happen that's his it's a. joke it's joke used to tell is he a. stand up K Shaw yeah yeah dude it was. the funniest it made me laugh that's a. very funny joke rayon hey guess what. Andrew what Bob my favorite earbuds to. listen to music with is raycon yeah. raycon are the only thing I use it's. it's so EAS they're slick they're tiny. and Tiny and you can switch the songs. out it's so easy to switch the songs. yeah and it's really I love it it's. stylish I think they're cool because.

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bad friends listeners 10% off your first. month at betterhelp.com bad that's right. whenever whenever you can get into the. depths of like the cultural cultural. differences that's what I think when. you're able to make fun of them as a. standup oh it's so [ __ ] funny there's. a few guys that do it so [ __ ] well. yeah that show the gaps of stuff H. because I don't have that like for my. parents you know they you could do like. a Boston thing or a Chicago thing with. your dad yeah it was just they're mean. parents are just mean American parents. are just mean to their kids right and.

yours are mean because they want you to. be good ours are mean because we're. already bad kids you see what I mean a. Foreigner's kid goes you better be good. because we worked hard to be here and. American parents are like you're a piece. of [ __ ] and it's our fault it's. interesting you say that because I have. been thinking. about how foreigners come here and I. know my parents were the same and um. what year did they come to America in. the late. 60s what what a Time yeah but they're. they they come here for us right solely.

for you they come for their the Next. Generation they go They're going to get. a good education MH they're going to you. know be cultured a lot of culture you. know what I mean they're going to go to. Great College they're going you know I'm. going to give them everything that I did. not have yeah and the next thing you. know you know their son is like doing. crystal meth you know behind a tree. jerking off into a Hustler magazine. right in the middle of the Forest right.

and that's what they made yeah yeah and. their kids don't take advantage of it. but you're actually the American dream. you bounced back think think about that. that's actually the American dream you. bounced back so no you tell that to my. dad in how many other he's dad in how. many other countries that's true how. many other countries can someone do what. you did get into Dr by the way in the. Philippines isn't isn't drugs like don't. you go to prison for life for drugs yeah. so first of all what other countries. could you. get in as low as you could and then.

still bounce back and look at you now so. many countries you'd be in prison or. dead well you yeah I mean if my parents. had me there in Korea you'd be dead not. just dead I would or it could be like I. can't maybe drugs aren't because I think. Dr drugs were tied into some of my. trauma yeah right so it's like maybe I. wouldn't have gotten into drunk maybe. I'd be a saki Drinker or whatever or you. know an alcoholic alcoholic or whatever. but imagine the job I would have I would. probably just being hauling rice right. right in a factory and I would like.

telling you know my friend Han a joke. yeah and he's like oh fny and and my. back is like. hunched yeah I know it funny huh you're. so you're so curved that's your body. he's like. yeah if we had a stand up comedy here. you you could have done that I know but. we don't so how many more bags 52,000. more you know whatever i' be just doing. some [ __ ] yeah you know so you're. living the literal American Dream you.

bounced from back from zero yeah maybe. you know maybe I'm very lucky I'm very. lucky right Jules are I'm very lucky so. is she oh my God she's Lu we don't call. the feds on we can get you deported pal. we can get you kicked out right away see. your sulk oh and she's Su like she she's. studying right and she'll come out and. her she her shoulders are down and. she'll just do a little pout like oh. it's hot you know what I mean everything. is so hot depressed you know what I mean. it's like. dude we give you [ __ ] everything yeah.

you have everything what are you really. depressed about though Rudy depression. can come from other things Bob we know. that I'm not depressed I'm just tired. from doing all my homework you know she. started school yeah but what do you mean. you're tired from doing your homework. yeah oh shut up oh my God shut up shut. up you shut up ungrateful you ungrateful. little brat yeah are you really tired. from doing your homework though it's. bumming you out yeah I'm just tired yeah. straight AG you know that right yeah she. yeah because that's why she's tired.

she's actually doing it you and I we. don't do it I was never tired I got C's. and D's yeah did you get really good. seas and D's yeah yum me too yeah I know. terrible that's why we are where we are. I know but when you got seas and D's. what did your parents say to be expected. no they didn't they didn't yell at you. no so so I was a c average right and I'd. get a B once in a while yeah uh and I. had to get an A I got an A like only. once or twice in high school and it was. in creative writing cuz that's what I. knew I I liked and um and the other one.

was in like uh uh oh e like like like uh. econ or something something like simple. business math you know what I mean like. intro to like econ or whatever right. because it was easy it was just like oh. yeah I know how to [ __ ] balance a. checkbook but I couldn't like you know. who also got those good grades who Trump. that's exactly right that's exactly. right that's what heel that's exactly. rightel that's exactly right and then in. and then in high school though parents. were like you're just going to have to.

figure out your own path I never was. going to go to a good college I was. never that good of a student you know. why school was boring so boring I it was. I was miserable you you know as soon as. I got out I felt good I was like oh I. can try everything I can do whatever I. want I can learn stuff if I need to. learn [ __ ] I learn more now on my own. than I ever did in school you know how I. would have got straight A's if they paid. me if money was an incentive no here's. the thing like even like when I used to. be in the workforce in my 20s like in.

restaurants yeah you wake up at you have. 7:00 you have to be in the morning yeah. at 6:30 you get up right and you're just. like late right but you're going because. you need to make money yeah it's there. that's why I'm up if you had if you had. to get up and bust tables for free you. would never show up why why am I going. you would never show up yeah so what my. point is is that if you paid me not a. lot couple bucks five bucks an hour fine. Five Buck a class that's that's great I. probably take 20 classes a day I'd take.

as many as I could I would never for. every a you get like 2500 bucks holy. [ __ ] I'd be straight a bro straight A. I'd be I'd be one of those there's no. incentive yeah what is it you go you. basically you have to work hard for. free yeah and it's like for me it's like. what am I doing here this is the worst. you know what I mean I'm absorbing. information why am I what is this and. and most of the information hate to. break to you kid you're ever going to. use most some of it's very useful have.

like what like what I think you should. learn I think you need to know basic. math okay you need but only. multiplication. dividing yeah you need to learn. percentages is probably like I don't. know any I don't I never ever used it oh. yeah you do how. tip oh yeah I mean St yeah but I'm not I. just said basic math yeah but tip all. right at a rest basic numbers if if if. my bill was. $33,000 do e $ 33,2 43 what are you.

eating right then I would have to learn. that what were you eating for 33 that's. an insane Bill I know saying I know but. because when you you generally go to m a. restaurant it's like 50 bucks you can. just calculate in your head it's pretty. easy to percentile can I try something. oh my God your bill is is. $128 what do you. tip I just off hand well yeah we're off. I don't have a TI 8. so I'll just tell you what I would P.

that's what I'm asking how much $128. $128 just round it to 130 just I would. be. um I'll probably least 40 bucks that's. an extremely nice tip yeah do you know. what 20% of that would be really but. that's what I would leave so if you. round up to 130 13 * 2 is 26 cuz I know. $100 is 15 15% of $100 is. $15 okay just start with the original no. no no no let me just do it the way I. would I think I thought don't don't do.

that no let me tell you something that's. why teachers that's why teachers never. got through to me because of that okay. let me let me revert back when teachers. do that you know what I mean it's. [ __ ] annoying let me try let me try. it again here you go I'm a teacher ready. I I don't want to do this anymore okay. so Bob swea so Bob I'm sweating so Bob. yeah yeah yeah actually how about this. don't challenge me you stay on that. because you're over tipping and that's a. good thing yeah that's a good thing yeah. 20% would be around 26 bucks you're. giving you know yeah you're you're. you're [ __ ] giving almost double. you're giving like 40% tip so if so on.

three $3 so 15 $8 so um what's it how. much is the bill it was 128 but I said. just round to 130 so I would pay to be. 15% is $20 closer to that. 15% yeah what is it the actual but you. want to tip 20% right but what what's. 15% $20 yeah yeah that's so I would. probably leave 40 bucks double it just. go back to what we where we were before. okay well then I like that I I think.

that's nice at least you're over tipping. you know there's nothing had to pay you. in school that's all that was the bit if. they they should pay they should pay. yeah but you know what's so funny though. sometimes uh like I don't want to. discuss this with you because I don't. know you don't know anything about it. but they're trying to talk they there's. a pay to play in college sports that's a. big deal it's a big argument whether. people should do you think college. athletes should be paid yeah yeah but. because because does the school make. money that's right and they they make.

money because LeBron James or whatever. he never went to. college uh let's let's make up a sport. guy well there's a running back let's. make up a running back almost everyone. else just name another guy almost his. name is fatim aloa fatim Muhammad no. fatim aloh ala oh fim ala yeah and he's. from Nigeria he's a great running back. yeah he's he's amazing right he goes to. and let's suppose he's like he breaks. all the records he he does he runs it. into the en he runs in the end zone.

right M 20 times a game that's. impossible but yeah well I don't know. how the sport works so just say like. four times a game is is that seems. ridiculous to me 12 times a day Game 12. times a game he always he goes from the. five yards into the enies mhm eight. times a time every time a Time eight. times a time he's so good right wow okay. and he can weave and move around and so. the whole town of the you know I mean. Columbo let's say there's a town called. Columbo.

right col it's a college 3A 3A college. team and Columbo there Columbo's like. you're a good runner you're a good. runner kid and for Te Al right right he. goes from the five to the nz's right. yeah eight nine times a game the whole. town of Columbo realizes it they love it. they go we don't usually sport you know. what I mean the red jams you that's the. team's name they're called the red jams. yeah yeah okay yeah. the Columbo red jams yeah the Columbo.

red jams and they don't you know they. you know they we we're only you know. ninth division we're 3A team but we're. ninth division oh so they're 3A yeah. yeah 3A team but we're ninth division. right and when during during this. regular season right they they never win. they never win they never win right even. though they've got Fatima no before they. never won before fatim when faim show so. the Columbo the people in Columbo they. go why do we go you know it's. embarrassing right you know what I mean. you know the skylarks beat us every time.

well they're really good yeah yeah. because they have that kid from from New. Guinea yeah New Guinea Sky you mean. always crush us he probably runs in the. NZ maybe 13 times a game yeah and the. town of Middletown where Sky the Skylark. school is Middleton Middleton Middleton. right and that kid you know they bury us. every time the best 20 years that kid's. been burying us it's unbelievable yeah. he can't get out of high school it's. College this is college sport can't get. out College yeah yeah yeah yeah so but. this a fa team right he comes right.

straight from Nigeria right from the. plane to the football field yeah right. to the field they goes right to practice. and they realize right away right he's. got like real strong. legs they realize it right away they. even analyze it the Sports Doctor you. know they all have a sports doctor they. bring them in right and they analyze for. team's legs right and they see extra. muscles around the calves uhoh it's like. you know the regular muscles and there's. another one that's protrudes out right.

and they poke at it you know how doctors. do they poke at it right and they hear. ding ding ding ding ding ding it's metal. it no it's not but the muscle makes a. metal. sound right that good it's that tight. that tight d d d they they take three. steps back the doctors oh they look at. it we got it we got we got the guy we. got the guy the Scout did hey Randy yes. some nerd with glasses he's in a. wheelchair yeah comes in he comes SCS in.

right yeah great job scouting him in. Nigeria oh thank you yeah yeah yeah yeah. yeah and then so they then they push. Randy out oh right right he's gone and. they get here's the ball oh you give. they give they give fatim the ball yeah. and let's well give the ball cuz he's. not the quarterback right no he's a Dyan. Sky bark right. here it's I'm Dyan Sky bark. B and rais in in M Middleton Sky handed.

off to [ __ ] you know and so he just. like the Road Runner right the whole. town the whole town the whole town of. Colo coming oh right before it was a few. people live in Columbo uh I think it's. like 22,000 no what 14 million 14. million people are in Columbo yeah they. all come they they have to make the. stadium so much bigger they got to build. a new stadium yeah yeah like they make. it bigger than the biggest stadium ever. really yeah wow for 14 million people. from colum sh up to watch 14 million. people there right and you know they can.

charge so much they can charge um $300 a. head per. ticket what and now fa team he's every. [ __ ]. year right. touchdown that's all hear that's all you. hear you could be you could be right in. [ __ ] Chicago and you could hear. touchdown that loud you could hear. touchdown that loud you you're like. you're working at a [ __ ] Subway yeah.

right not not the sandwich shop in the. subway oh underground underground okay. right and you just sweat touchdown touch. right and and team must have scored. another touchdown Columbo you know I. wish we didn't live you know so close. but how close is Columbo to Chicago two. different states over two states away I. can hear T down that often South jeez I. can't think of the states right now but. South okay yeah so then years go by and. then one day for. team he goes halfway he he doesn't go.

full way he doesn't do that he stops. right and he puts the football on the. ground he sheds one tier like the. American Indians do when you litter oh. boy yeah and he walks off the field fa. te and why because the school is making. billions of dollars uhhuh if fa te still. lives in with his grandmother doya he. lives at doya house he has no money and. he he knows that the whole [ __ ] town.

of Columbo you know is he's making so. much money he gets nothing that's why. you have to pay College athletes because. of a team. exactly what do you think I think we. should send this to the NCAA and see. what they think write it up because I. really I you know what I never had a I. never had a cause I never had a cause I. had never you know but we're down with. when I see when I see I get angry about. things yeah when I see Hispanic kids.

being at the border and they they put. they be put in cages it breaks my heart. they're putting who in cages well you. know how like people sneak over and then. they take the Hispanic kids they put. them in the cages well yeah cuz they got. so much energy what are you going to do. let them oh that's true yeah yeah you. got to put them in something to keep. them maybe put them in a hotel room. though not not out of Four Seasons but. like you know Motel Six like a Courtyard. Marriot Courtyard whatever what did they. put you in Andre when you guys came. over yeah you have never been big on. causes yeah I never yeah but I think. think I could get behind that one cuz I. think it's it's a travesty pay to play.

is great particularly in fact when they. make money but what is the argument. against. it well people that do argue against it. which I I am not they say uh it's. usually this guy ready it's this guy. yeah I think we should start paying uh. college kids Let Me Tell let me tell you. something stupid well don't please don't. call me let me tell you something debate. they go to school for free they get a. free education okay which is life it's. life growth and then when they're done. they go into the pros and get paid up. there but but it doesn't work that you.

get a free schooling okay and the money. that you bring in goes to the team and. the and the school itself to support. this wonderful University and we have. history so no they don't deserve a dime. yeah but um so fatim is going to leave. if you don't pay him well he can go on. and go on then but but we but but but. but we won't. fatim they think that that because they. get to go a free education that's the. benefit that they get free food free. meals free lodging a free education a. free start well you don't pay. everyone uh oh so like yeah you don't.

pay you don't pay everyone only the good. guys get paid yeah you the ones that are. like you know the Stars yeah but what do. you say to the other guys then get. better get better it gives incentive so. if you so so give them incentive to get. paid just like you like the fatim. situation let's say there's a guy named. Todd oh [ __ ] I dud I Todd pH no not Tod. Philip a director a director yeah Todd. Todd Todd they I'm just I don't we don't. know his last name his name is Todd Todd. uh Todd uh Todd rosende Todd rosende.

thank you and Todd looks at ftim and he. goes hey man I can only do two a day a. game he only gets two nzs a game yeah. yeah but this guy for team is getting 16. yeah yeah better than you I would if I. was Todd I would go up to 15 one day and. go hey man in Nigeria how do you get. that extra muscle in your. calf no honestly yeah he's like we would. I don't know I don't know to do a. Nigerian accent when you you run from.

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promo code badf friends blu.com MH. literally I just found out about that. just now I I'm shocked that they don't. get paid anything yeah they don't that's. a it's a big debate because a lot of. times I mean let me ask you that. something in in a sport like that m not. all kids go to Pro right does every. college kid playing for end CAA team no. do they go pro no so basically they all. want to of I mean no that's not that's. not true necessarily most D1 athletes.

wish they could go pro but most D1. athletes realize at some point it's not. going to happen right so like there's a. division there's people that they know. are going to go pro there's three. classes in my mind fact you're going to. go pro there's no doubt you're one of. the best it's like a joke you're fa teim. yeah second level you're good you could. go pro you never know or you could get. out and go I just want to work and do a. regular job I don't want to [ __ ] do. Sports professionally because I'm not. good enough to stay third level of of of.

college athlete is like look I'm a white. guy I'm good at basketball I'm 6'2. there's no [ __ ] way I'm going pro but. I'm having fun there's that guy too so. that guy should get paid the guy who's. just having a good time that I mean it's. like it's because you can anyone let me. ask you this yeah can any if I went to. school like college what's a good. basketball college I mean University of. North Carolina okay I go to University. of North Carolina right I get in Duke. can I just show up and go I want to be. on it uh if you're in if you're a.

college register if you're a registered. College yeah I'm a college register okay. and and can I just go to the stadium or. the the the training area and sign up. and go I want to be on the team well. there's no sign up but yeah you could go. there and say I'd like to try out if. you're oh you have to try out no no if. they have Walk-Ons not every school has. walk- on tryouts some schools do say hey. we hold walk- on tryouts you can try to. join but the other players have been. draft have so so those kids that are on. all the teams had to either try out or. get scouted most of them got scouted. it's rare to get a a walk you can't if.

they've never seen you play basketball. you can't be on the team you could if. you're [ __ ] if you've never played ball. and you show up and you're fa team no. you don't you just show up you don't. even play and you go I want to put me on. the team yeah they go get the [ __ ] out. okay so there we go right so the people. that are on the team right that are on. the third tier as you were saying like. the best of the best the best of the. they should get paid cuz they did all. the work to get on the team yeah and if. the school is making a bunch of [ __ ]. money they're making a lot of money they. should make money they're making a lot. of money they should make money I agree.

that's I'm on your team I'm on your side. you're making these guys play and also a. college education is worth what anymore. are you going to go to college yeah. she's looking right now where where are. we going to go where are we going to. send you and on Whose dollar you better. get a scholarship we're not paying are. we paying for that we're not paying for. that. scholarship where where do you want to. go what's your number one. school I don't know yet maybe just um. hey hey hey hey community. yeah Community College yeah why.

Community College um Roger said that it. pays um. less Roger said it costs less yeah and. who's Roger um grandfather right. community colleges right but I think. you're smart you could probably get a. scholarship somewhere you could. probably maybe I think so don't you well. she is getting her license too oh that. just taking her driver. you have interim permit or what do you. have um driver's permit she has a.

driver's permit are you letting her. drive no why not have you driven my car. once no but if you when you get your. permit you need hours to log in yeah let. Roger do it why just in. case what's the difference you don't you. don't care about your car what what is. the worry that she's a bad. driver answer me no I'm trying I I I. would answer you if I had the answer I. don't have the answer so why can't you. drive your car on the way home today say. say Tito Bobby can I drive home today. there's no way there's no way there's no.

I'm still practicing she because the. first time practice on the way I'll tell. you why the first time I asked her let's. go driving she did a no no no no you. know what I mean like a freakout thing. so she there was no confidence behind it. so then I was like oh okay she doesn't. have the skills you you lost confidence. because of her lack of confidence yeah. yeah yeah I think that's what it is well. well you at some point you're going to. have to just jump all in you can't be. scared cuz if you drive pensive and. nervous you know what's going to happen.

that's when you get into an accident so. you got to drive aggressive let me give. you a couple simple rules that my mother. taught me when I was young my Aunt Kathy. actually taught me. this um when the light is green what do. you do you go when the light is red what. do you do you stop what when the light. is yellow what do you do you slow down. no you speed up you go as fast as you. possibly can to get through the light. you don't ever slow down at a yellow hit. the gas even if you're in the middle of. like the intersection right and it turns. red mhm you're you're the one with. movement yeah you're already going so.

you have the right away yes Rudy yes yes. you don't know [ __ ] you don't know. anything how how far behind when you. stop at a when you stop at a light how. far behind the the car in front of you. should you be. um 100t as close as you possibly can you. get as close to the car in front of you. and it's okay to even to be touching if. you don't r f it's fine why you can. touch the cars it's called a bumper bump. bumper bump car you can bump them and go. go go ready go seat belt you wear one or. not you wear one it's a suggestion and.

also it's also it's a reverse psychology. thing yeah because get this you're in a. fiery ball of flame I can't get my seat. Bel off I can't get my seat Bel off it's. burned to your skin meanwhile I don't. wear one I'm on the sidewalk are you. okay get out get out get out of the car. smoking get out get out of the car yeah. in fact you know what I did in my car. you can look afterwards I've taken. scissors I've cut the seat belt right. out of the car I don't even want it in. there well you know what I've done. because sometimes seat belts make noises.

if you don't have it on so I have it on. but I just now my back is against the. seat Bel on it I sit on it I do the same. thing so it's not on me you've got some. of you've got some of them right you got. some of it yeah when you run out of gas. let's say you run out of gas on uh in a. neighborhood somewhere what's the first. move you go to the side of the curve and. then you call no put the car in park get. out and walk away leave it leave the car. you it's not your problem anymore call. someone go hey the car is out of gas on. Brier Street I got to go I got stuff.

going on someone needs to get and fix. and help the car not your problem also. in an emergency right you can kind of. use another person's car you're allowed. to you're allowed to what's called. common deer another another vehicle so. you run out of gas you've got some anti. Kila says it depends on what you have to. do like if you if you have to go to the. gym not necessarily but if you're late. for like a development meeting at a. studio yep or you or din dinner a good. dinner if you've got a good dinner. finals yeah finals you have you can.

steal any car and then take it so the. code is you go up to a car like at a. stoplight you run out of gas and then. you knock on the. window tell them to roll it down you. know if they have an old roller I don't. know if they have. or and they R down and go I'm. commandeering this vehicle I have. somewhere to be and if they say no you. punch them as hard as you can open the. door pull them out get in the car and. say have a good day and keep driving. this is this is America dude this is how. you give it back the car no you R you.

drive till it runs out of gas and then. you leave that one where it is as well. hopefully you'll run it out of gas near. your home or the location that you're. going this is stuff you got I'm not. going to drive with her you're not going. to let her drive Roger does it Roger's. our grand her grandfather Roger's a good. guy how old is your grandfather 72 does. he drive well yeah he's a good guy cuz. sometimes old people when they like way. that they drive dude I ran an old person. off the road when I first moved to LA. did you really yeah she hit a tree did. she die I didn't stick around that's.

illegal bro you have to stick. around can I tell you what happened to. me like 14 years ago I was with my. brother Steve mhm it was a Friday night. yeah it was raining and I was on La. Siena and sunset right so I was going up. laa rent in a rented car mhm by the way. I didn't run an old person off the off. the road I know you didn't that's why. that's that's that's why I went. over sorry that's why I ran over the the.

yeah yeah the bit but but honestly you. have a joke I did you have a joke I did. what the do what I was doing the OCD go. ahead tell me the joke. now see how weird it is it's over go. ahead no no no you have to say the joke. now because I did a couple that like the. time had passed MH some lot a lot of. times in podcast you think of something. but then the the timing you know what I. mean and then you it's gone and then you. just let it go mhm but not today we're. not doing that today tell me the joke so. I ran this old lady off the road right.

she hit a tree she hit a tree head on. yeah and I didn't stay initially I kept. driving you're supposed to stay then I. felt bad yeah I turned around I came. back to the scene yeah I got her out of. the car I noticed that she was still. breathing and I got nervous because now. there's a witness so I took off my shirt. she was bleeding and I pretended like I. was going to cover up her wound and I. just wrapped it around her head and I. strangled her to death you on La Lasana. gun. Sunset you on Lasana gun sunset go.

ahead sorry I I Str sorry hold on sorry. I strangled her wait I strangled her a. little dark I strangled her now can you. switch it yeah change it a little bit go. ahead I ran an old lady off the road and. she hit a tree when I first moved to LA. yeah did you stop or uh yeah I did I. stopped to make sure she was okay yeah. and when I saw that she was totally fine. and there was no big deal I pulled out. my Magnum 357 and I shot her a thousand. times. see what a clever guy sunset in laso.

yeah well now my bit see now my bit you. got now my bit doesn't work after you. don't have a choice I know but I have to. do it but my bit not even is has nothing. even to do with that well I've told you. my story I actually hit a guy with my. car and this is real yeah I hit a man in. the rain yeah I'm swear to God can I not. tell my story it's not as good n oh [ __ ]. I hit a man in the rain go ahead it was. raining in lasan again Sunset you hit a. man on the rain I did okay all right so. let me tell my first okay so uh this so. we I rented a car it was like a Chrysler. and it's one of those cars where if you.

look at the dashboard you don't know. where like the gas light is where the. you know where you're running out of gas. sure like all the symbols look kind of. the same I just didn't never looked at. it or whatever and we had just gotten. the car so I'm like I just you don't. assume that you have to refill it not. right away I ran out of gas oh [ __ ] so. it was raining 5:00 p.m. Friday lasa. right for those that don't know it's. it's it's it's incline like this and. it's the mo it's the most the most. traffic yep congested place on planet.

Earth on Earth on Earth y it's just cars. everywhere and if a car stalls there oh. boy people don't go home for 5 hours. yeah at. least so it. stalls right I put the emergency break. up my I'm with my brother smart I go. stve cuz you know there's a Chevron. right there yeah go get gas my brother's. panicky runs in the rain right people. are honking screaming at me I'm just.

sitting there sweating I'm sorry I'm. sorry I'm sorry right my brother comes. right with the [ __ ] thing and we pour. it into the the um the what do you call. it gas hole the gas hole it's one of. those nozzles right where you have to. either push it in for it to come out. yeah so my brother was doing it but but. he was pushing it in in the wrong spot. and it it the thing wasn't actually in. the hole so it went all on the side of. the car he had go back there again with. the same thing they go we don't have. another thing he's trying to instruct my.

brother how to do it yeah and my brother. comes back and now my brother and I are. going to kill each other yeah and all of. a sudden I see this guy right these two. guys one guy didn't do anything but the. they were both wearing Comedy Store. t-shirts oh. employees who was it it was Steven Fury. okay and Assan oh nice you know ass yeah. I know them both both very funny yeah. they're good dudes but I didn't know. that who they were at all never met him. yet no I mean I'd se you know how I am. with the at The Comedy Store I'd seen.

them around you don't know who anybody. is I didn't know them yeah so I go um. they go hey you need help. Bobby yeah and stepen fury does it he. puts it in M right and I looked at him I. go you're going to open for me and I. gave him opening dates and that's how I. knew him and but then when once he. started open for me I realized how. strong he was he's very funny he's so. funny he's extremely funny and Assan I. gave Assan dates as well but they saved. my [ __ ] life that's the there was no. joke there was just a [ __ ] story.

that's really nice about the man man in. that I had a guy in the rain yeah yeah. go. [Music]. ahead go ahead no I hadit a guy in the. rain that's a real story I was I was. going to a. job I'm sorry I was going to a dinner to. get fired from a job that's a fact I was. going to get fired from my first job in. La yeah and I was mad I didn't want to. go and it was raining so bad on Crescent. Heights and and Beverly where that big. dip is where swingers used to be yeah. you know how that's a dip down. yeah I was swing sry I went through I. about to dip I about to dip I went.

through so fast and the rain hit my car. so hard it spread all over my window and. I made a left a guy was running through. the rain across the street and I smoked. him shattered my windshield got glass in. my face I hit him so [ __ ] hard he. came out of his shoes came out of his. shoes okay I got out what's going on are. you okay not okay a woman's like I'm. calling the cops call the cops I was. like it's okay I have insurance he. didn't stick around he fled the scene I. hit him and his buddy was like let's go. we got get the [ __ ] out of here they had. a backpack I thought something was. wrong it's not funny I hit a guy and.

then for weeks I thought what if what if. he died now I think he being up story. swear to God on my life well you could. go to prison why we called the cops they. left they left the scene okay and guess. who didn't show up who the cops they. never came I [ __ ] sat there in the. [ __ ] rain waiting for the cops with. this old bad crazy woman something right. now I literally didn't hear any of the. story I kind of dozed off that's why I. asked you that H I'm sorry it's okay I.

really didn't that's fine I'm so [ __ ]. up that I do that yeah you do it to me. all the time yeah I just want to give. Chris Katan a message can we call Chris. no no call him I don't want to call him. so I Chris Katan call him I don't want. to call him Bobby I I'm not calling him. Bobby call him but he he Bob I'm doing. the same thing I I'm not call him no. call him all right here we go great.

Chris Katan we'll put up a picture right. here I'm. sure. yes come. on come on Chris. Katan hi this is Chris please leave me. so now how does that make you feel when. someone doesn't answer the phone when. you call them now I'm mad really yeah.

because I was feeling guilty because I. don't text them back oh I know cuz I saw. all the blues on his side yeah yeah so I. was feel I was feeling guilty about it. but now that I called and didn't pick up. I don't feel as guilty anymore are you. relaying were you relaying because of. something that happened in the text or. were you saying that because me and you. what happened. yesterday you know it's it's funny I. didn't I didn't know that I was doing a. podcast with a little boy. I didn't know I was doing a podcast with. somebody that um needed tissue paper to.

wipe his tears I didn't know I was doing. a podcast where you know what I'm going. to get for your birthday a little. violin a tiny little violin I didn't. know I was doing a podcast with a bch. it's so funny I'm going through my head. right now of stuff that I want to like. do to you or throw at you or or. physically hurt you and I was like I. can't I can't I can't I called I. actually texted Bob 10 times in a row. didn't text her call back it's so. [ __ ] stupid and then I said hey well. first of all I said do you want to get. lunch I've done that twice in a row and.

you didn't respond either time first of. all you just say I'm good. thanks I'm good I already ate okay. that's all I need to. know and then I said Bob because I. played war zone the fans and me would. love it if you went to the driving range. with me I wanted to go to the driving. range you I thought it'd be fun I said. let's go to the driving range I know you. have nothing going on I know you have. nothing going on cuz Kila sends me a. [ __ ] schedule I get a screenshot of. your schedule I know what the [ __ ].

you're doing nothing goose egg and you. didn't come to the driving range with me. and it's down the street from your house. you can spit there from where you live I. plan my life with you based on proximity. for. you if you said um hey dude um I was can. you come to my house and have lunch cuz. I have't I haven't been to a restaurant. in 6 months right I have not since the. pandemic Jules have we been to a. restaurant you went to Menino Farms no. we get it delivered you didn't go you. didn't go we've never eaten at a.

restaurant so when you go when you you. haven't eaten at One Restaurant no so. when you text me hey let's go have lunch. it's like I'm not going to a restaurant. to eat with that I don't we don't do. that why because we're in lockdown no. we're not in lockdown yes we oh our our. family we're in lock family is stupid. everyone is eating outside there's. outside stuff we don't do it I haven't. been to a Starbucks you know how badly I. want to go to a [ __ ] Starbucks when. we when I leave here with her yeah I. look at her I go can I go to Starbucks. she goes no I'll tell kalila you get.

trouble snitch you know what fact you. know what I'm going you eat on a patio. I'm going to go to Starbucks after this. and you're not going to tell Kila oo I. like. this okay so my point is is that so when. you when you text me that right it's. like you I think I just assume that you. already know the answer and the second. thing of course I don't know the answer. when I ask you to get lunch what you. should say then is hey not eating at. restaurants do you want to eat at your. house or eat together somewhere else we. can get it delivered but you don't say.

anything and it's mean it's. rude and the second text was um do you. want to play golf it's like no driving. range go to the driving range I don't. know how to play it that's the fun I. [ __ ] bought headphones to play war. zone I don't know how to play it all. I'll do it you going to tape it though. if I I don't want to do go to waste you. have to tape it I'll film it we'll bring. a camera Andreas will you set up a. camera so we can do it absolutely then. it's it's so much fun and rude can. come so wait a minute are you going to.

be allowed to go to a driving range cuz. it's outside probably not it'll be a. fight but that's another thing it's. always a fight things but why doesn't. why don't you guys she doesn't trust me. right because you're going to like lick. somebody or something no it's that I. don't lick things you know what I mean. but she doesn't she thinks that like but. if you're wearing a mask you're being. safe and you're fine she just doesn't. trust me and and she has a she has a. point you know I'm kind of like a you. know you're like a little kid yeah like. I I just don't think things like you've. touched your face seven to 10 times. during this podcast I know because my.

face itches don't itch it so my point is. she doesn't really trust me so you know. it's like. um what did he just say oh did he text. you back hey can hey can I try you back. later no say I Need You Now Chris. Katan Cap City Clos. down Cap City comedy club in Austin. great really they banned me I'm so happy. that that's the case that's a bummer you. know why because the improvs opening. there oh it is yeah they're opening an.

improv in a Rogan talked about opening a. club down there and then I thought what. if he buys Cap. City then would you do it oh yeah if it. was his club and would you just talk. about the whole time that you couldn't. play it anymore you got banned from it. well it was so funny because the same. thing happened at Tempe you got banned. from Tempe yes what did you do so at. Tempe right I showed the audience oh so. so Dan m you know Dan Murr M so Dan M. used to be the manager at the 10pm impr.

right and um he's gone right he passed. away he died he passed. away what that's my sad face I know it. was very sad he he was not with us yeah. so Dan M First comedy club I suck into. by the way there was a guy named Howard. polands that owned and he was a. Christian a a good a good Christian so. it got to the point where they um told. they only would hire Christian Comics m. right and so um but then I showed up.

because menia came in right and I was. opening for menia and he's Methodist no. whatever he is okay and they go and and. they were like we don't want Bobby he's. like yeah but he's my opener and I knew. that they were weird like that so I. showed the audience the inside of my. butthole mhm that's Christian right just. cuz I wanted to show everyone we're all. pink on the inside or whatever right. they and then after that I got mad all. that stuff and they still wouldn't put. me up just for show just for showing.

your butthole yeah so years 12 years and. they said he'll never play here wow but. then um my buddy bought it who bought it. oh oh who bought the people who bought. the improp oh yeah yeah yeah so my buddy. bought it and. um I was like the second the third act. that they hired wow and so when I walked. up on the Improv stage I go I knew it. was going to Happ happen it's good here. yeah you did I win did you show that. audience your butthole yeah yep and.

guess what still pink still pink baby. brown now and you can play more Brown. than ever more Brown yeah but you can. play there whenever you want yeah I can. I so so if Rogan buys Cap City you'll be. happy to go down to Austin and do it or. he opens his own club look I think it's. sad that that things are closing down so. it did make me sad but then I thought. what if you know Joe comes through and. does there's another club out there. that's kind of like that too for me a. lot of clubs right will have me one time. and they go oh it's too much for me or. what about you don't you go one time and. go I don't want to go back that's rare I.

mean there are some gigs like Virginia. Beach where I went never been when I. went I went oh I like to play here every. year and I remember like a year went by. and I go and I did okay number was a. good numbers improv that's a funny bone. and I go. um can I go back and Matt was like. probably never why you showed your. butthole no but I go crazy on stage you. know me yeah you lose it but what what. you two yeah they were like enough we're. not going to have them wow and then the.

one that broke my heart the most is. Columbus why the funny bone because I. love that room I played it like 10 times. right and he's a buddy of mine David. stro but they they just stop booking me. because you were just too much yeah no. man by the way let me say this I respect. the family Rules of the house you guys. are being safe I understand it it's a. bummer because I want to be able to just. get lunch with people outside sometimes. yeah I'm just I'm not one of those that. are that yet yeah because um it's fine.

I'm not I just I'm I to go I am going to. go to Whitney's house I'm more mad you. going go to Whitney's house tonight no. like cuz she's doing that thing the. standup stuff I can't do stand up in. front of no I told her I'm not going to. do stand up I'll come and hang. out I think that's what I'm going to do. I don't know I just being around standup. is so strange right now yeah I I I can't. imagine myself because I'm being invited. like you know people text me all the. time hey do my show and I'll pay you. yeah I'm doing my first show this.

weekend where uh in. Glendale where it's in like a backyard. it's in like a backyard thing and who's. doing it me shagura uh a few special. guests Ian Edwards it's actually a good. show and and uh you obviously yeah yeah. but it's more it's more to just try I I. it's been six months yeah I can't do it. and I need to pre practice because you. know because because I'm going and doing. dates in October oh you have to go up. yeah yeah I I refuse to go up until. there's a regular audience well they are.

regular what do you mean what's wrong. with them they're scattered right. they're six feet apart they're you you. and me apart I mean cuz I I look at like. what Chappelle is doing in Miami and I. go um not Miami Florida Dave Chappelle. yeah Chappelle does that outside show. it's in Ohio right is he in where it is. yeah where he lives yeah. Miami Dave Chapelle. presents Chapelle. Miami yeah I don't know I don't know. dude wherever wherever it is Yellow.

Springs Ohio it's at his it's at his. [ __ ] house I think it is like a ranch. or something yeah and I go I just think. I go I just that that doesn't seem like. standup to me you would go if Chappelle. sent you an invite you would go in a. heartbeat to go to his little camp or. whatever the [ __ ] that is I don't think. I would Dave Chappelle calls you on the. phone I I don't think I would do what's. up Bobby know that's get your ass I. don't know if I do I don't know if I. want to do standup if Dave Chapelle. called your phone and said will you come. to Yellow Springs and do a show and come. hang out with me at the. camp you would say I don't I don't think.

really you would say I don't think I. want to go I think I would panic and I. probably write a set and you'd go I'd. probably go yeah if Chappelle if the. [ __ ] goat told you to go sure sure. isn't he the greatest don't you think. he's the greatest I think he's Our. Generations Richard Pry yeah I think. he's the greatest comic I've ever that's. ever lived yeah I think that um in my. [ __ ] I think in every generation we. have you know a a type typ I think he's. super time I think that um our George. Carlin who's our George Carlin do you. think who's our George.

Carlin. uh who's who's kind of like he's he was. politically angled and prolific yeah but. he also it has to be um represent has to. represent the times as well so it's like. in our era it's because Society changes. and the culture changes so it's like I. think Bill bur would our George Carlin. if if Chappelle is our Richard prior. what else is another Legend um um well. who well who's like who's our uh I mean. Chris Rock is kind of Chris Rock I don't.

think anybody I don't think he's like. any anybody before him he's AR Bill. Cosby yep yeah yep what about what about. Seinfeld he kind of Falls weird in the. weird in the middle I'm going to say. something controversial to you m i don't. understand it you don't you can't you. don't understand Seinfeld's humor I I I. can understand why people like it but. I've never like looked at it it's fine. yeah I never looked at it and um you. know his wife pronounced my name wrong.

that's what it's about yeah that's more. what it's about she called me Billy and. she didn't pronounce your name wrong she. said your name wrong pronounce how. you're having fun Billy booby Lee and I. go and I go I know and I go she just. called me Billy in my mind what' you. call her nothing I go I'm having fun you. know she goes you having fun here Billy. and I go I'm having fun where were you. guys it was a weird like a bumper car. rider you having fun no it was um this. is the I don't know this has never. happened before or after it'll never.

happen again and I don't know why it. happened with the Seinfeld no what. happened was appow yeah calls me and. he's never called me again MH I think. something happened I think I rubbed. everyone the wrong way or whatever I'll. tell you off air okay do you really know. mhm so APO calls me he goes hey I have. to go to this un like this lunch brunch. and it's going to be Yi and um Wayne.

what's his name Newton Newton Wayne. Newton Wayne fedman Wayne fedman yeah. and I got where is it it's at the Palm. restaurant whatever the old one on on. Santa Monica so I go what is it and he's. like it's Jerry Seinfeld's wife has a. charity and it's a luncheon and you want. to go and I go I don't feel good I I'm. sick I go I'm gonna go wow so I wore my. best hawne shirt. right and I and I show up yeah and it's. me Jud fedman sitting at a table.

Sebastian's there too because you know. Sebastian's in with Seinfeld they're. very close they're very close I he's the. only guy that did a show twice I think. and it was like when Sebastian saw me. there you could see that he was shocked. he goes what are you doing here what are. you doing what are you doing here right. and I go I don't know why I'm here how. mean is that when somebody goes what are. you doing here you're like [ __ ] I know I. don't belong oh I have another story. about it a famous guy and and I've never. called him out this I'm gonna call him. out yeah do it I G to start a war but.

hold on let's do this first so get. through this Sebastian says what are you. doing here you're like I don't belong. here you're you're at the you're at the. thing so I go yeah I don't know and then. um I met Seinfeld walked by Mrs Seinfeld. no Jerry oh with his wife and and they. and and I think Jud goes this is Bobby. he didn't know I was a comic Bobby is a. comic hi nice to meet you nice to meet. you and then um his wife goes nice to. meet you and they walk by and then an. hour into the luncheon there was a bunch.

of speakers mhm I don't even know what. the thing was how bored were you so. bored yeah and the the shrimp was dry. the shrimp was dry at the Palm yeah and. then I remember um she comes back she. goes you having fun. Billy that's fine she's never met you. before she barely knows you don't even. know her [ __ ]. name yeah and what did you say yes I'm. having fun yeah yeah and you let that. sit with you yeah I don't know you I. should let it go that's insane you just. met her for the first time it's not like.

it's not like dude I met this girl 10. times yeah can I tell you CU I have. stories of comics like that yeah I've. met you before Andrew right yes [ __ ]. we've met a thousand [ __ ] times stop. pretending like you don't know me yeah. yeah no I used to go to all those cuz I. was sober what about and I couldn't get. any girls right right and so this is so. embarrassing so I thought because I'm on. a show yeah that if I went to a. Hollywood place like Joseph's that may.

be able to get a girl and I couldn't get. any you still couldn't get late no did. you ever go to like rainbow. room and date the goth girls what's. wrong with goth girls I no no but I'm. sure I just don't like pale skin I tried. to go out with a goth girl and she. didn't like me I think I don't know what. it is didn't you do you definitely dated. pale skinn women I did a lot yeah like. three of them that I've known so you do. like skin women I do like pill skin I. don't know what you're talking about but. that would that Vibe I mean like did you.

do that thing like the sunset [ __ ] no no. no I I don't know why but I kind of was. going for like um nightclub rats well no. you kind of think to yourself can I. elevate my game in my head I thought the. game was there it wasn't yeah but what I. went was I went to my own people what. was your own people Kila right but. that's Years Years Later yeah yeah yeah. I feel comfort with someone that's you. know more closer of my ethnicity I guess. yeah somebody that you know eats the. same kind of things I do and doesn't.

look at my you know body and judges me. in in a you know in a lens in a lens of. of race way she doesn't judge you in any. way physically no no I know it's nice. like she's never looked at you it's a. real last night cuz I had I you know I. almost didn't come today because I had. my stomach hurt so bad last I couldn't. sleep I was aching I was making groans. tell me no no yeah my tummy and kilo. would and I was farting up because we. had this garlic sauce remember the.

garlic sauce I was farting out something. just abysmal. man like it was it stunk up the whole. room I know yeah yeah yeah and it was. like um a thick jungle like thick Napal. napom garlic and [ __ ] that's like it. blankets the room yeah it blankets the. room yeah like the Army could use it. yeah right yeah yeah yeah and so it was. just blanking the room and every 10. second sh it was like I was spreading my. cheeks apart too because you didn't want. to Flap I didn't want to Flap right yeah.

so right and and and Kila would just. kind of rub my head y okay what can I do. what can I do and some pale white chick. would have been like I'm out of here mhm. right ew you're grow are you farting. yeah go in the other room and I just. kind of like the fact that Kila is like. will go deep into the pxy will she smell. it she doesn't like it oh yeah she just. is like it is she go m she didn't go M. she do that that would be hot yeah she. [Music].

goes yeah so you know um so you ended up. where you belonged yeah but there was a. time where I was like maybe I could get. like you know did you ever get latea. Milano or whatever did you ever get laid. at the nightclub you never took home one. girl from all the years you spent in. nightclubs. really what about girls that will like. recognize you from Mad. TV still like a girl that comes up to. you that's like you're so funny I want. to drink with you and you drink and you. party with them and you never got. laid what about like a kiss I was like.

Joey Diaz in the sense that like I kind. of dated inh house like your like your. cousins like f no no no because Joey. Diaz is you know girlfriend right or. wife you know I mean with was a waitress. at The Comedy Store correct right yeah. and I knew her way back then so it's. like um it's just it's inh house right. so it's like you start you know covet. what you see like Buffalo Bill and. Silence of the Lambs right you C it you. know bad reference no I love that.

reference it's the truth it's like you. cover what's around so then you start. dating you know a comic right right or. you know a waitress or whatever it's it. that you know that's way when Jim Carrey. you know his first wife was a waitress. at The Comedy Store you covet what you. see and so I just kind of stayed inh. house rather than going outside you know. I think later in life you know when I. became um more of a name it became much. easier when I had a fan base but in the. beginning of Matt TV I didn't have that.

it was it took years and years to get a. fan base before we go yeah I want you to. apologize to me for not texting me back. even to say no I don't want to the word. no is fine nope no I don't even need no. thanks no on text not in person in. person you say you do say something nice. to me you apologize for your behavior. say I'm sorry I should text.

back I don't know why I can't do it I'm. just close your eyes I can't do it you. don't even have to look at me just close. your eyes but I don't feel sorry is that. okay if I don't feel sorry it's fine. just all right so just know what I'm. saying I don't mean at all okay at all. okay like I don't give a [ __ ] okay okay. okay I'm sorry for not texting you back. that's good enough thank you for being a. bad friend. yeah.

woo. woo wo. [Music].