From the Bottom of My Happy Heart | Ep 9 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee

you two are bad these two idiots friends. Annie come home from the war you miss. come home to Daddy daddy miss you so. much baby come on baby.

wow she died. Johnny died my song Johnny died in the. song yeah he was in the war and he he. had some sort of gangrene on his leg cuz. he stepped on an IAD he stepped on an. IUD or an IE d I you see he stepped on a. birthday drop another bomb. oh he stepped on a birthday I don't. think yeah yeah okay I got gangrene ye D. it would have been blowed off. yeah but I UD stepped on a birth control.

um I'm wondering if you were in because. I see a lot of war movies and I feel. like in like the movie platoon mmm-hmm. you would be the Kevin Dillon character. sure you would like make a Vietnamese. guy hop up and down on one leg yep and. dance yep and you'd be the guy that like. you know you're like would the guy that. like the other platoon of soldiers go oh. did you see what Andrew did mm-hmm. back in the village yeah he tortured. that little Korean boy of the baby no no.

I didn't he was he walked into the hut. he picked up the baby and he just. started having sex I wouldn't have sex I. would throw it I might throw it or kick. it and I throw it or ticket yeah Bob. have you been lighting have you been. lighting cigarettes with a like a. campfire lighter yeah like a torch. lighter yep why do you not have a. regular lighter find him I can't find. him anywhere in the house that little. song baby come oh I really like that you. do is that is that an old is that a.

thing that we should know no I just made. it up oh wow yeah I just make up songs. because what sounds like an old classic. yeah beautiful Korean yeah like we have. a know there's an old Irish there's an. old Irish one old Irish. folklore type song well but it's this is. it's translated because it's it's in. Gaelic but this is what oh yeah but in. English it says this they go there once. was a lad who drank - don't laugh why. are you laughing I'm trying to give you.

a piece of my culture in my history. whatever that you know it's like. whatever you watch like the game of. thrones or any of those kind of movies. Andy or The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings. sure and then like you know meet a. hobbit we'll start singing in a [ __ ]. auditorium I used to start laughing it's. so dumb hey there once was a lad who. drank too much he'd never be alive again.

whiskey and beer and whiskey again never. will he see a friend yeah he laid to. rest he did his best. all right he fought when they asked him. to a drunk but a good man. overall thank goodness he wasn't did you. that's a good song it rings true today. mm-hmm yeah evergreen it's evergreen.

song from the evergreen country much. like those kind of uh those kind of. things like if you're watching it I. don't know what you Shawn or what time. pure it is but where they used to have. barns like travelling bars yeah. travelling bars yeah they would tell. stories and sing those were like the. Beatles and you know I mean yeah those. were like they were like half Beatles. and half like/comment what was that what. was that um what was that movie it was. like seven short films what was that. called there's so many no the one it.

just came out a couple years ago seven. short films and it one of the film one. of the short films was about a man who. traveled the country with no limbs. telling stories oh yeah I did see that I. why can't I think of the name of that. what was that oh so good with a horror. movie it was like the Halloween right no. no no this was like um oh dude this is. yeah okay yeah. what yeah he had no limbs and he was a. trap he would travel a ton of town and a. guy would take care of them. losing him yeah exactly yeah what was. that ballad of Buster Scruggs does that.

sound stupid is that way off wait what's. up a little buzz destroy you know we're. talking about get it know anything by. the way we have our we have what stick. with t2 is uncle what's nice what nice. yeah what's nice is what sneezing go man.

go so that's it by the way Ballad of. Buster Scruggs was the correct title of. that movie Ballad of Buster Scruggs I. was right it was a cone the Coen. brothers made that it was seven short. little vignettes look that's right it. was very good ice all right yeah that's. about the traveling guy would be a. buckle bangle but I don't want to skip. over that buckle bangle but say it slow. so I can hear it. bug bug oh man. every time I do it it sounds like the. computer that translates it and what and.

what language is that. what's Visayan whoa it's [ __ ] mythic. there's history so let me ask you. something Jules I know you don't like. talking but um in the Philip so every. island has their own language it closer. to the mic yeah you have to get close to. the mic so we can hear you you have.

Tagalog yeah and some other islands also. speak Tagalog oh I see what's the what's. the most common language in the. phillipines tagalog tagalog yeah yeah. but can you understand like if somebody. speaking Telugu yeah you can understand. it because you speak it I'm okay with it. I'm not an expert. yeah it's like if we went to it's just. like like we go to be sounds in LA and.

no we lived it went to Nevada or. something and then they had a well maybe. not Nevada no like if you argue. something South the South if you go to. New Orleans in New Orleans. then they had a completely different. language that we didn't understand but. now New Orleans that did the the like in. New Orleans the what is it called the. Crete like when they do real Creole yeah. yeah yeah that stuff's hard here look at. that tell me if you can understand what. this says tell me if you can understand. this one what am I saying here here. oedometer alone naru yo meadow la.

Gennaro. no it is so racist one more time right. here oh do me alone do you hear any of. that that's that's in Tagalog that's how. are you doing today. yeah yo Jimmy no her landlord Toronto. yeah I don't think it's right it's not. you don't think that's right at all. she's how are you oh that sounds like.

Spanish come on stop how about how about. this what's this one do - angam pora. shun gum no nothing nothing God what is. this app [ __ ] Google but they don't. have Filipino on there no they katakana. is the most common one on the language. trans I want. do you ever when you go to another place. though and you try to conversate with. someone. do you use English as the as the middle. ground I've only come authors and they.

speak Visayan my language. oh they speak your line yeah yeah when I. go to Manila I speak English. because I'm not good with do most people. in Manila speak English they do but they. don't they're not good right yeah you're. really good at it when did you start. taking English because the schools teach. English yeah with hopes that you guys. are gonna get out or maybe the concubine.

life yeah sometimes like you know the. x-pac's or whatever you know the older. you mean white dudes my tutors are there. yeah the dudes and they want to bang. bang you know what 90-day fiance is do. you know what that television show us Oh. wonderful yeah it's so good why the. season it's so good yeah and these men. are trying to go marry a lot a lot of. Filipino women that come across. the show and they want they married them. so they could get to the United States. but that you know there's something. about you I've seen that show before. there's something about like average or.

kind of an ugly or white dude and then. they go to a country like that and they. come back with a real hottie I get angry. why I don't know why they come back. because those women just want somewhere. to live I mean there's they're basically. sex slaves their sex life yeah they have. sex with these weird white dudes that. are like they say it's looking for your. wife there's there's a old series on HBO. called autopsy you ever see those no oh. you you have HBO go yeah yeah all right. so go to the documentary section autopsy.

it's called autopsy and they were made. in the early 90s or 90s they're. incredible because they show real bodies. and stuff oh yeah back in the day yeah. but it's like they're all forensic II. you know Case Files but it's all Case. Files on like like um on cold cases or. on Oh on real cases that they solved. through forensics well they've been shot. it was like the first show of that kind. whoa and they had this uh filmed feel. and of this white dude man gross and is. exactly it is a young Filipino wife. right suddenly dies right they find her.

like handy you know I love it when they. find the hand first they'll find a hand. sticking out of the ground. yeah right and then they don't know what. to do it's always a jogger right so I. saw her here yeah I hate when they do. that you know what I would if I died. right yeah I would I want to die in a. mysterious way in that way where they. find my hand in a field but then like a. year later they find like an ear in like.

an island off why and then the foot in. Antartica we just spread your body parts. all over oh the world we don't know what. the [ __ ] happened just one Bobby Levi's. sticking out at a fish market is your. advice yeah and then um so that it. always remains autopsy but then it turns. out like he's always he always does that. like he has had four other Filipino Pino. why over her his life and he. mysteriously died or disappeared.

disgusting yeah so they you know who's. the American. he's oh it's always an older white dude. yeah I know but but dude a lot of. British there was a British dude in the. news in Bristol maybe it was called yeah. 39:39. women and children that he had killed. did it did all this screwed up [ __ ] 239. he got away with it forever yeah he. basically wanted to get caught at some. point yeah these weird old white dudes. they get these foreigners like that yeah.

cuz they can't you know they can't think. what are they gonna yeah but you know. what that kind of behavior. it's disgusting where though yeah I know. because remember the Japanese kid there. was a Japanese kid it he went to school. he comes from a real rich Japanese. family a powerful Japanese family yeah. and he went to a school a boarding. school or a college or whatever he was a. foreign exchange student in Sweden or. whatever and he ate a white Swedish girl. oh yes Aitor. yes and then he's now in like prison.

yeah but his family is so powerful that. he got out yeah and now he's just. Froemming free I imagine like he's in a. Japanese bar getting drunk right yes and. people are telling stories you know I. mean and he could this is always top. everyone else's yeah yeah whoa that's.

impressive. yeah to eat a white Swedish girl and get. away with it I love that money power. respect yeah Oh Bob speaking of which. yeah how cool is this never anyway uh. hey thank you thank you to Ted months. yes this is awesome right. that really is dope this is very easy it. on camera can you see it yeah how do you. say cool in she's not [ __ ] she's. she's my little Google Translate she's a. bright girl how do you say cool thank. you thank you how do you say thank you. oh you Filipinos don't say thank you.

llama say llama shipstation. you guys the world is changing we all. need to adapt everyone's buying stuff. online staying at home now that. ecommerce is up they need to meet the. demands of a new delivery culture you. got to get ready. and you shipstation it's the fastest. easiest the most affordable way to. manage and ship your orders just a few. clicks and you'll be managing your. orders printing out labels and getting. your product to happy customers step.

shipstation makes it easy. yes it does are you ship station myself. we are gonna use ship station to ship. out bad friends merch room that's right. when we get the merch get it running. we're gonna get a lot of good well we. don't have a running yet we're working. on it right now but when it goes we're. doing it whether you're selling Amazon. Etsy your own website ship station. brings you all your orders into one. simple interface it works with all the. major carriers including you as a PS. FedEx UPS even Amazon Fulfillment that's. right they offer big discounts and on. shipping cost so businesses if you're. out there and you're working from home.

you can get the same postage discounts. that are usually reserved for large. fortune 500 companies when you use ship. station they're the number one choice of. online sellers right now bad friends. listeners can try ship station for free. for 60 days when you use the offer code. bad friend that's right make sure your. business is ready to meet the demands of. a delivery culture click on the. microphone at the top of the homepage. and type in bad friends at ship station. comm bad friends is the code ship. station comm make ship happen better. help better help is there something.

interfering with your happiness to. preventing you from achieving your goals. help will access your knees and match. you with your own licensed professional. therapist let me see this right now okay. yeah we Jules did you not do what Jules. yeah and then when you did better help. and you talk to your therapist what. happened and she felt lighter and. happier afterwards better help isn't a. shift in her no seriously it's clients. all over the world if you if you really. need someone to talk to this is. incredible you can log in anytime.

anywhere and message a counselor when. you really need it the most. let's be honest Bob and I've talked. about it we all have vulnerabilities you. need to talk to someone when you're. going through something regardless of. what it is. it literally therapy has saved my own. life and I really it's a fact. yeah and I wouldn't be here today. without it I agree no seriously it is. something that we should take serious. and we should also be proud to say we. all do therapy that's a good thing it's. social Jules did it I did it Bob that. it's more affordable than traditional. offline counseling financial aid is. available you guys should start living a. happier life if you need someone to talk. to this is the way to go go to better.

help calm. bad friends that's right that's better. hele. doctor 700,000 people taking charge of. their mental health yep at the top of. the help of top experienced. professionals again we're being serious. no joking around yeah please talk to. someone if you really need it and the. special offer for our bad friends. listeners get 10% off your very first. month at better help calm slash sad. friends yep so Jules when she was on. last bad friends people started hitting. trying to become her friend on Instagram.

oh really yeah and her shoots on private. I don't think she wants to if you're. listening right now I don't think she. wants to like befriend people but we. created another Instagram page for her. Oh what is it with it what is it it's. got bad friend Rudy so you can go on. Instagram got a bad friend Rudy and. that's when then you have control over. that page you know she does but we're. gonna use that and OD peas fellas ODB no. that's disgusting disgusting no D peas. but girls send your boobs we're good.

boobs - Jen boobs - her account that's. fine speaking of that so I sent you that. don't I don't want to mention it because. I don't want to get yanked off of. Instagram but I sent you that handle on. Instagram right yeah so did you watch. those video I watched every single one. of them three times over right and I. sent it everybody I mean we can't you. don't want to mention it so because it's. gonna obviously that if people find out. about that handle that they they're. gonna yank and I imagine that you. whoever makes up that account for people.

that don't know what we're being so. vague there's an account online that. shows the most [ __ ] up as an. understatement it's just it's insane. yeah it's crazy [ __ ] so but it's not. private it's not private. and what am I saying first you can't why. not because I don't I love it so much I. don't want to get yanked but they're but. these these constantly get yanked and. they reload then they content get yanked. gonna find it the next time well let me. see how long he's been up right now he's. been out for a while isn't insane you. automatically know it's a guy yeah. there's no way a girl one of the videos.

is or one of the little lives is you. know it has a little [ __ ] boy having. sex with a car he's just he's [ __ ]. the front of a car yeah so his his dick. is going inside the fender. no no it's inside the emblem the car out. there. right it's insane yeah it's between the. T in the O and then um there's another. guy [ __ ] a pony Oh donkey a donkey a. donkey the difference you know ya know I. know it's all the same yeah okay I'm.

looking I'm looking right now right we. can't around for a while but if we say. if we say what it is yeah we can alright. but he but I sent that mmm now you know. who your real allies are in comedy. mm-hmm because I sent it to probably 12. comics sure some of them and I'm not. kidding you they're texted back were. like almost like we're done like not. cool like hey man we're not friends. anymore why I don't know what it is it's.

like for me can you tell me who said. they didn't like it well here I can tell. by them not responding yeah yeah right. yeah so David Spade well that makes. sense yeah yeah Spade now responding. makes sense yeah yeah he wouldn't like. something like that yeah but my head I. thought he would a video of a. handicapped boy [ __ ] a car yeah and a. lot of more like fit like fistfight like. brutal fistfight fist fights fist. [ __ ] this [ __ ] you know there's. one video that made me laugh so [ __ ]. hard it was a big muscly dude yeah and.

he's taped a dildo to his computer he's. blowing it yeah and his mom walks in and. she just goes and walks out he's deep. throating like like a 14-inch dildo yeah. it's that one made me laugh oh yeah call. it called no texted me yesterday cuz I. don't like just do he doesn't like stuff. like that and I'm like what does a guy. [ __ ] a horse mm-hmm I go it's comedy. but he's a comment it's a bit yeah. people have a son threshold some people.

don't like stuff like that. why uh it's because they they didn't. grow up joking around with stuff like. that so they don't like it now do you. not I mean like you had to like weirdo. [ __ ] when you were a kid to like weird. oh [ __ ] as an adult comedic li yeah I. mean I've peed on people mm-hmm in my. life yeah I've uh I've pooed on people. not me that's right to each his own your. poo just on a human. yeah Bhutan night in a sexual matter Oh.

No. just like in a know what in a revenge. yeah like one time I think I pooed on. Ari Shaffir 's foot that's fine but then. he [ __ ] all over my car that's cool yeah. so it's like like I've always been into. those kind of games [ __ ] for sure to. protect it for tad I get that yeah I've. peed on things but my point is I've come. down things what's the weirdest thing. you've come down like an object well. recently because I have undoing this no. closer if she lives with me closure or.

not she's fine. just close your close your eyes at least. close your eyes so you can't see here. and oh so I so I don't um I can't. believe I'm saying this I can't so you. know I've been doing this no pornography. thing yeah so I haven't watched any porn. are so you say oh I haven't and how long. no Helen is it really honestly two. months has it been going on that long. oh yeah really if I mean no breaks. here's that here's how crazy it is it's. getting to the point where when I was in.

the Middle East with Sebastian. Maniscalco and Eric Griffin you can't. get porn on you know I mean on the. internet there they don't have porn they. lock all of it no Middle Eastern porn no. you if you're in the Middle East like. you're in Saudi Arabia said I Arabia. said I Arabia you have to jerk off to. the thought of porn yes that's wild but. even then it would have been long enough. right so I couldn't do it with my mind. but it's been so long now I can do with. my mind.

you can jerk off with your mind yes. that's insane yeah you can get fully. hard without looking at anything and I. can do with my mind I'm resetting my. brain all right but so sometimes I'm in. the bathtub mm-hmm it'll come right I. just I feel I feel like you're not open. right now and I feel like I'm doing so. look at me no I'm an open book right now. doesn't feel open it feels put all your. words inside of me I'm a book with no. words all right I'm open pages yeah and.

so I'll come and then the sides of the. bathtub yeah I'll just wipe the comma on. there hmm. Jules you ever take a bath in there. I think not anymore never again she has. her own bathtub why don't you why don't. you put it somewhere else I don't know. why on the sides you have to clean that. do not clean that do you clean it right. in when you get out you leave it I let. it dry a bit yeah. well you let it dry do you jerk off. underwater yeah you like it underwater.

Aquaman's dad little bubbles that I see. I can't water and I don't get along why. I don't jerk off in the water I can't. [ __ ] in the water I don't like it oh it. feels good if you ever stand this is the. best feeling mm-hmm. okay so here's another story that she. doesn't know nobody knows when I was in. the Philippines we stated this hotel. called the Crimson and so kalila and her.

family of like we gonna go to uh you. know go hiking in the mountains you guys. go right so they would go and in the. back of this hotel room is this pool in. the back like it's a really nice hotel. sure and we have our own individual. pools swimming pools they're the size of. this table right and they don't go deep. so you just stand there and then the. water goes up to your like sides like.

this right and I would put an iPad there. and I would just go just feverishly. masturbate in the water right Oh God and. that was your favorite thing to do it's. because for some reason when you're. doing this in the water. you know I mean yes splashing around. yeah it's creating this like you know I. mean little mass but right away for a. fraction or whatever right right water. friction well you could you come. underwater do you put in the water oh. yeah see it's so you let it swim it came. from water and inside my body yeah it.

did yeah yeah that makes sense yeah it's. like it's a from a desert so you would. feverishly jerk off inside of there how. many times I don't know what how when. you guys went hiking and all that stuff. I there was a lot of time that didn't go. right so next time I'm like that. remember I'm in a swimming pool jerking. off your can cuff so don't swim in that. swimming pool do you know this about him. all this stuff. [Music]. [Laughter]. are you are you are you embarrassed. about your Tito or no no you're okay.

with it okay that's not that's fine. that's fine look everyone has their kink. everyone's gay that's your little kinky. like water jerk are you like turn up in. the water when no one's around during. quarantine I just I'm not gonna I'm. gonna let it go yeah you gotta let your. mind go what have you been doing um well. speaking of sexual kink genuine this has. been on my mind for a while. I watched louis c.k special I haven't. seen it yet you didn't watch it no okay. good yeah it's wonderful but it's it's.

[ __ ] wonderful whoa all right it's. wonderful is it money it's very very. funny dude how do i watch it I'm gonna. watch it tonight you go to Louie CK's um. go to his website you can buy it from. his website really yeah it's like $7.99. or something oh cool it's um I wash it. with a buddy of mine we FaceTime didn't. watch it together I was interested to. see how he felt about it and how I like. it was you know as one of those like see. what he said what he does um dude it was. it was it was it was awesome it was. [ __ ] awesome it was heartfelt it was. hard it was tough it was funny he.

brooches the subject of the sexual stuff. a little bit at the end could have been. more I think it would have been funnier. if it was a little bit more or a little. bit more real but when he opens though. he doesn't mention it at all when he. opens yeah the first thing out of his. mouth I mean I don't - [ __ ] it I don't. wanna [ __ ] - give me the opening. thing the opening line is did anybody. else have a really [ __ ] up last two. years or whatever you know something. like that like like how was your last. two years you know like anybody's have. the worst last few years in their life. yeah yeah yeah and so right off the bat. you laugh because you're like yeah this.

guy's [ __ ] was [ __ ] up then he tells. you kind of the tribulations of what's. going on in the past couple of years and. the very end of the special he talks. about the incidents he has his version. his spin of it I'm interested to see. what you think about it it was very. [ __ ] on the honest truth is is that. um he was one of those guys that I. always watched worked out I was there. when he'll show kiss for Mitzi no way. yeah so he had already done his first. HBO special right and I go [ __ ] Louise. the keys here that special was very good.

very funny yeah 30 with the half-hour. yeah really good and I. next to Mitzi and he goes up there and. admitted in she yells out I'm not. kidding you. Lynam he doesn't have it shut up and I. turned to Mitzi I go Mitzi he has an HBO. special he doesn't have it I'm falling. asleep holy [ __ ] right and he kind of. walks off and then he I didn't see him.

for many many years and he never came. back. no he was kind of like the Seinfeld -. Seinfeld you know that story right. haven't I told you that story no I have. another one - go ahead about Seinfeld. though you know what happens Lopez - but. go ahead. Seinfeld didn't admits he didn't like. him for some reason said he was not not. not funny but something that she didn't. like yeah maybe he was too clean or. something I don't remember Seinfeld told. this story himself is from his mouth he. came back to the store probably five 65. years ago four years ago and he hadn't.

been in for every told this story he. said he said the reason I hadn't been in. so long as Mintz he told me that. basically I wasn't good enough or wasn't. funny enough for this place and I just. toured and did other comedy elsewhere. and then he got the show okay Seinfeld. became a massive hit one of the biggest. arguably the biggest company in the. history of television. yeah and they used to have a house on. Kings Road or the Queen wrote Queens. Road House what word that's where Mitzi. lives right yeah and Jerry bought a.

house above their house literally just. above the house right up on the hill. above the house yeah and he said every. day he would drive in one of his. Porsches down to CBS Radford yeah and he. would slow down on purpose to see if any. of the shores were outside yeah to say. hello to let him know to let them know. I'm just just coming from above right. above yeah going back down yeah just to. like cuz Jerry has never went into. Mitzi's house huh. no I you know I used to happen was when.

Mitzi was sick at the end of at the end. of the first run of the first time she. got sick yeah Shawn Halpin who was a. comedian I know Sean used to live in my. apartment with us he used to live with. us you were roommates it was temporary. no not really because we had two. roommates and he was just kind of living. with us for a short period of time. until he was gonna get a new place and. Shawn invited me a few times ago he's. like you want to go over there he used. to help her like a bunch of other comics. help her with a lot of stuff that I. don't want to mention there's nobody's. [ __ ] business yeah but I broke I.

couldn't do it it's just something about. it gave me the I couldn't go over to her. home and be well she's really sick and I. never saw her like that. it's imagine it's like it's an I love. Mitzi but it's imagine I've cuz I've. been to her house maybe ten times in my. life okay and it's almost as if you know. how like because we were we opened up. with like castles and bards this podcast. yeah yes imagine in a world where there. was a kingdom or you know and there was.

a king but they always have a sage right. or a wizard right right imagine just be. living amongst the peasants right sure. and then some guy in a cloak comes up to. you and goes the wizard like would like. to see you. right and then you went to the Wizards. Tower he'll love it. right and you don't know what the [ __ ]. cuz you don't know anything about. wizardry you're scared of it you're. scared of magic you're just a peasant. yeah you're making rice and wheat or. whatever right that's what you do right. and then the wizard tells you some sort.

of you know I mean spell or new. concoction or he does some sort of trick. right and then you you're scared you. think you're gonna die right or you know. me you don't know why he wants you there. right right that's what it was like. that's what it felt like because when. you walk in her the walls of her house. were black like the Comedy Store yeah. you thought that you know I mean maybe. there's some sort of like reasons. comedy-wise why the club is all in black.

right right you do you ever think that. because you could have any comedy club. it's using brick and there's colors well. that's there's some sort of texture to. every right yeah this is the copper is. completely blocked. yeah it's pitch black the ceiling the. ceiling is painted black right oh and. also like maybe red Rumi on love thread. right so it's almost as if like it's. like darth maul's costume yeah it's like. Darth Maul's costume The Comedy Store. but her house but then she had.

room where people would go in there and. massage her that was completely pink. all-pink yeah so imagine going through a. blackish house and then there's this. room that's brightly pink and she's in. there so it's it was a one time I was at. Thanksgiving with my you gotta have. Thanksgiving with the family right and I. go no Papa cuz I'm with my brother Steve. and we're gonna do what we're gonna. we're gonna go somewhere else I think.

we're gonna go to the stinking rose. we're gonna go to the stinking rose so. we already have a put now dude nah bro. you gotta come out over right and they. had already ate like dinner was over but. I mean they start eating at 2:00 and now. it's four but you know how you go with. white people's Thanksgiving and the food. still out. yeah well it's cold well no we leave it. out it's just you don't leave it out. it's four seconds don't leave it up they. just keep eating so my brother and I go. over to the house and we have our plates.

and we're putting this cold turkey yeah. and yeah I mean and cranberry and it's. you seeing at this table wooden table. right around circular table and the only. two seats that are open right are next. to her right and so I'm like I can't I. have to sit there right so I'm sitting. there I go how's it going with seasick. good Happy Thanksgiving. right so I'm just talking to my brother. I swear to god this happens and I hear. this I'm eating out here this this noise.

right yeah would you ever hear a noise. like that you you wonder yeah what is it. yeah yo and I turn over and look at. Mitzi her foot no her tables and she's. doing this on the [ __ ] table right.

now yeah try to enjoy a cool treat gonna. be cold gravy and Marissa just say. you can't see [ __ ] do you try it you. just put your foot up and try it guys my. nails aren't long enough her nails were. like you know how old people they just. [ __ ] grow it and they can throw curls. around yes she was doing that with it. and I looked over and I and I and I I. look at mitsuno and I looked back at my.

brother and then all of a sudden like. there was a countdown in my head of how. long when did when to get out. yeah when to get out yeah so that was. how long did you stay I think for. another 15 minutes and you were like we. gotta go we have to go we had. reservation somewhere or whatever but um. yeah that was like but that's kind of. like going into the you're going into. the Queen's palace right but like many. things you don't know that you don't. really want to be there sometimes that's. like all those things that's like when.

you get to meet someone or go to a cool. house party you think it's gonna be cool. yeah it's always the opposite of what. you want yeah I always thought the one. the one time it turned out to be what I. thought it was gonna be to be very. honest and how many years ago god I. don't know seven maybe six seven I went. Miley Cyrus somehow through unexplained. events we went to her house for her. Halloween party and in my mind I was. like this is gonna let me down for sure. without a doubt you ever have an idea of.

this and it's gonna be they're gonna. know that I'm a nobody and kick me out. it's just before you go it a comic. always has that thought you have to we. don't feel like we belong we feel like. it's almost a fraud I know it you're. your fraud and they're gonna tell you. like you in your mind you know. somebody's gonna go why is he here yeah. I feel and the whole party's gonna go. whoa are your hair like it yeah. I remember just real quick Danny and I. were at a CAA Christmas party and his. first opening line Daliya chris d'elia.

successful yeah very note he goes hey do. I look like a belong here no yeah was. this recently a couple years ago maybe a. year ago Wow and I'm like yeah you're. fine do I look like I belong here is it. yeah but it's like that's and that's. when I knew that we all have we all feel. that way yeah we all feel that way yeah. so go ahead I'm Cyrus Miley Cyrus's. having a Halloween party yeah we get in. I did through a friend of a friend. because of whatever nobody's business. but I show up and I'm not kidding when I.

say the backyard of that girl's house. was exactly what I thought it was going. to be in my fantasy head insanely fun. people were naked people were having. like there was like a food fight yeah it. was it was like a with a wrecking ball. it felt like a movie she came in on but. it felt like a [ __ ] movie. you know she had all these little area. set up so you could hide out and get. high and party with people and drink and.

do drew it was just such like a Fantasy. Island place like Epstein's Island it. was similar to that kind of fun it was. so free and fun that I just it was. exactly what I wanted it to me but. thought it would never be that was the. only time I've ever gone to a. celebrities thing and gone holy [ __ ]. this is a party all night long till 4:00. or 5:00 in the morning. [Music]. Beachbody on demand dude it's incredible. it comes as no surprise we're all stuck.

in a house people can't go to your gym. don't get complacent don't get lazy as. important to stay fit stay active. Beachbody on demand is an easy-to-use. streaming service that gives you full. access to 1300 super effective workouts. suited for anybody at any time okay yeah. so I got I know a guy named Dylan I. don't know you know I'm dynamic Wes he's. a fat [ __ ] yes and literally he's been. doing beach party and he's been posting. [ __ ] on Instagram yes. the dude lost like I couldn't even. recognize him he lost like 40 [ __ ]. pounds looks incredible incredible he.

does this thing called shift shop shift. shop is one of the workouts that you can. do that he recommends it is wild to see. this stuff work the company behind p90x. insanity and 21 day fix yeah yeah it's. pretty incredible p90x is if you know. anything about it it was one of the one. of the top dogs in the workout world. stood they have super they have these. super trainers these celebrity super. trainers like Tony Horton I love Tony. Horton yeah Tony Joel Freeman dude in. the house through Jericho Mick Mathews. autumn Calabrese a like a like a like an.

italiano. they have a ton of workouts in all. reality it is amazing to do this at your. home don't get fat don't get bored don't. get lazy you can access it from anywhere. your computer your TV your smartphone. Apple TV Roku Chrome Comcast all that. stuff right now our listeners are going. to get a pretty good deal a special free. trial membership you get a totally for. free you can try it out when you text. yes-no 3:30 so bad friends to 30 30 30.

you're gonna get the entire access of. all the platforms for free all the. workouts the nutritional information all. the support it's gonna be all included. all you have to do Bob yeah is text bad. friends to 30 30 30 we're gonna have. Jules say a tool Jules yelled as loud as. you can. text friends to 30 30 30 baby Jules. the worst is TCA or any of those like TV.

show like when you're on a TV show come. on when I just did what I just did a TC. yeah yeah you you have to go to those. events painful it's the worst painful. painful human experience and they ask. you questions that they know that you. have no answer to yeah Kevin Hart is an. executive producer on that show that I. do yeah yeah okay uh-huh of course they. go hey you know you know and I know. Kevin Hart's an executive Brewster as. much as you're a [ __ ] Olympic athlete. do you know what I mean yeah he's an. executive bruiser he's a great guy yeah.

his company is a part of it right yeah I. mean what I'm splitting up together. yeah Ellen DeGeneres is my executive. producer rap shoes around all the time. never met her no she didn't hang out all. day and the night went to the showrunner. mm-hmm. one day and I go yeah what's I don't. like she goes I don't know her yeah. whatever no what do you know she and. she's the producer and it's fine look at. this company they need the weight of. these companies to get things through or. but this one reporter I had had enough I. had gone through all the rooms and one. reporter goes so yeah Kevin Hart and I.

go yeah Kevin Hart and and and she goes. I mean how incredible to work with Kevin. Hart yeah oh girl let me tell you. something Kevin Hart is in the green. room that I'm in right now we're all. sharing the same green room yes. but a 50-person room yeah food drinks. everything executives you know yeah I go. I've never met Kevin Hart I'm in the. room with him. still won't meet him I'll go the whole. day eight hours of this we're never. gonna meet I know and she was like what.

what it was like that's not how this. works for some reason people think that. it's like well your buddy you know that. it's like I don't yeah I don't know. Kevin pie okay I don't know Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart is such a big thing yeah. if I said I'm on the show that you. produce he'd go which show yeah I'd go. Dave on FX and then he'd go what is that. I produce that show for me though if I. was the head of a production company it.

had six or set ten things that are on. the air he probably has 50 thing. whatever yeah I would still [ __ ] no. no no you wouldn't I wouldn't know. because you'd have so much going on he. has so much going on yeah how could you. balance that right it's hard for you to. come here sometimes yeah that's true. it's just that I get it yeah the way. Ellen Ellen got in some deep [ __ ] why. because she made a great joke people got. mad at her she put you know everyone's. mad at celebrities from being like I'm. in quarantine and it's really hard and.

there and everyone at home is like yeah. right your house is worth 30 million. dollars and what's hard about having. nine wings in a bowling alley like JLo. had her son on a [ __ ] what are those. things for the hoverboards and she was. serving he was serving her and a rod. drinks and he was spinning around and. they were like dancing you know I mean. it's like celebratory [ __ ] we're. having a tough time here and more. billionaires anyway. Ellen people got mad at Ellen because. she said being in quarantine. I don't wanna misquote it being in. quarantine is just like being in prison.

because you wear the same clothes every. day and everybody's gay something like. that mmm just a funny she's just joking. around just joke I don't everyone and. everybody was like you think it's like. being in prison how about the prisoners. that are actually in prison that just oh. she's making a joke dude she's throwing. it's a nonsense. nons it doesn't mean anything yeah and. the everything everybody's gay part. funny it's funny yeah she was just. making a joke but people ate her. if they were like how disrespectful of.

those that are living in actual terrible. conditions that it's like okay dude what. do you here's here's my problem. do you want comics to still make jokes. during this time or do you want us to. say nothing at all it's hard it's like a. bow it's like what do you want what do. you want what do you want her to do. she's making a [ __ ] joke what is she. supposed to say I mean there's a way to. do it though like Julia louis-dreyfus. yeah just put out something what'd she. say it was a kind of like a coronavirus. PCA about staying indoors and this and.

that but she was do she was basically. looking in the camera goes normally I. have you know a crew of people do my. makeup but you know during quarantine I. do my own and she's doing a PCA and. she's doing her own makeup it's terrible. I'm perfect purpose it's funny it's. really funny and cute and then she ends. the video it's a cute video right and. you don't see her house right that's. people's problem yeah you don't see you. you when you that's what I always. whenever I see celebrity right I online. I always look at the background first.

yeah to see where they're at. yeah I need to like even Sebastian I. know he lives in a gigantic house but. when he takes videos I see that if you. don't really see a lot of the house yeah. you would to make it seem like you know. it's normal like everyone else's house. you know I think you should have to be. mindful about stuff like that. I agree I'm just saying you think people. don't know Ellen I was a big house no I.

mean some things are unavoidable she's a. she's one of the richest performers in. the world well let me throw out an idea. this is probably not popular making a. [ __ ] joke okay I mean let me throw. this pop it's G L it should be mindful. about how people are struggling I guess. but let me defend they should be. donating money's what they all should be. [ __ ] you and Ellen should be yeah. like I mean I do get I get venmo. requests all the time you know man yeah. some of them ask for total $2000 I'm.

like I don't know you I'm not gonna send. you that but 25 anyway don't do it now. but because people are gonna say yeah I. know but people have and I have given. but you know we're all in quarantine and. we're all you know it's it's one of. those things like what I said last week. it's like you take you yourself with you. everywhere you take you with you yeah. and and I keep telling you know I've. told him my brother for years that you.

mean yes. I'm I don't live in a one-bedroom. apartment in Silver Lake anymore I have. a little money saved up. because my brother keeps going sometimes. it goes well you got money you should be. happy. right and those things don't necessarily. fix you or you know but you are happy. yeah but I'm as happy as I was when I. was living in Silver Lake of course yeah. what I'm saying is is that that didn't. change any it didn't really change. anything right but don't you feel better.

now that you have ten bed ten bedroom. said I don't have ten bedrooms are you. been back why not live in a. three-bedroom Oh like he's gonna [ __ ] he. lives in my [ __ ] house listen you. live in a 10-10 jizz bath house ten days. I know you live in a nice place but you. worked hard for it but ya know sure. you're not yeah but it's not gonna make. you happy but you're trying to be. conscious of how you're received people. know that you have a nice place yeah but.

I don't really talk about it all right I. don't really um that's it's it's you. know at four a comedian at my age at my. level it's probably the smallest place. of people that are comparative to you. yes yeah oh my god. so um people also I lived you saw the. apartment I lived in right for yeah. multiple 15 15 years small as this is a. very small place he's very humble yeah. humble small place so I've never been. one to gloat about my situation you know. but am i doing better than some yes sure.

yeah you feel a responsibility do you. feel a responsibility to give money. that's that noise oh that's my phone. who's it nobody I love when you do that. well private well no no you can you can. see here you can see see what was yeah. yeah wow I. no you tell Marty Andrew yeah afraid you. made a joke about my sexuality yeah let.

me ask you something mm-hmm do you have. big stars on your phone you've asked me. this before yeah there's somebody in my. phone that I should yeah there's people. in my phone there's people on my phone. that I did that aren't I wish you would. call someone in your phone I wish you. would call the biggest person near from. call you have Alan's number no we should. called Neal Brennan he's friends with. Alan he'll call Alan for us and ask her. to apologize live on the air for what. she said and what she did mm-hmm. should we do that mmm what do you think. Jules like seeing these rumors are true. about Ellen about how she's straight.

no it's I'm gonna talk about Ellen real. quick so Ellen DeGeneres you know you. ever um play the Gala's improv Addison. Addison not yet I'm about to you're. about to and you've never played Addison. no oh my god dude I've only played. Austin I've only played capcity. Wow so you have you done Houston improv. nope all right so they're back to back. on the books for me and well they are. yeah hopefully there are clubs I've been. playing for 25 years. Jesus yeah in fact the Addison improv.

has been there for so long there's. actually a drawer of line ups they had. in the 80s Wow. one of the one of the line ups I had was. Diane forth I saw it was headline you'd. probably don't know Diane Ford yeah I. know who the name is yeah Diane Ford's. headlining the feature this is in 1990. why was Jeff Garlin the emcee Judd. Apatow Wow I love looking at old you. know I mean I love [ __ ] like so you're. gonna meet a guy named Jeff Lala mm-hm.

and he runs all the improv zin in Texas. and he's this old crotchety deep voice. he smokes a thousand cigarettes a day. lovely right but back in the 80s he told. me that um I used to I used to pick. Ellen at the airport we used to drive to. Club the club I used to stay with these. shitty hotels and she used to do the. roads one-nighters you know so Ellen is. a old school comedy workhorse.

she's been around for a lot she yes yeah. and she had put in some road time. yes right but now I hear about how like. some people she has a rule some people. can't lock eyes with her yeah or like. Steve Harvey I heard about that too. about on his show you know I mean they. had a memo don't lock eyes with Steve. Harvey you know mean well that was no. controversy on how do you want people. coming into his office asking questions. I know but where do you where how come.

some people are like that and then some. people like you know I've met James core. you know all these other younger guys. they're not like that well how do you. become like that people feed it why you. smirking when I'm talking like this well. because its controversial no no I know. it's you're not in trouble. no why you didn't say anything no I'm. what I'm smiling about is the idea that. I don't know if that is true. I've heard rumors yeah you hear things. that you hear things from people that. have said that Ellen has very particular.

set of rules when you work with her yeah. okay I can't comment cuz I don't know. yeah either I should've thought it up. but based on based on what I know yeah. that sounds like a really [ __ ] up. thing to do to people why do people get. away with it in Hollywood because they. let them and it's all and it's all good. the people people because an assistant. will put up with it mm-hm and it and it. perpetuates the nonsense yeah. that's why Hollywood people get to act. like brats yeah I worked on a show I've. worked on many things with unbelievable.

brats people that do crazy [ __ ] have. people fired yell at people there's. someone I worked with was yelling at the. [ __ ] EPs in the parking lot in front. of everyone going I'm the [ __ ] so I'm. the [ __ ] yeah didn't lose her job right. nothing happened I love watching fights. on oh it's it's [ __ ] awesome it's. [ __ ] awesome because you get this. like because I get into this thing where. my body goes like this vibrates vibrates. I'm in shock yeah you know how to react.

yeah so when like people are screaming. each other on a set mmm my body's good. and I focus in on it oh yeah and I go. what's over yeah like I love like this. is it wasn't a big deal but like on. splitting up together there was a I. could hear some of the producers raise. their voice at Jenna Fischer about. something which I don't want to get into. right but you showed a little bit of. raising the voice say y'all that are. worse a little bit what did I say what. did she do did she say when this is over.

I'm starting a podcast and they were. like no no no I don't know what it was I. I do but I don't say okay it's fine. I want to say but what was it you [ __ ]. but they're more vibrant you have I. writing yeah and they did she yell back. no she's a sweet girl. she's very balanced she is a sweet lady. I like I like her alone you know what. it's I think what to answer what you're. saying people are like that before they. got famous it just exacerbated it so.

yeah whatever those things are they come. out much much worse because you know. people that have had shoot up rocket. careers and some of them are the same. and some of them are though I you know. the season finale was last night for. modern or the series finale for Modern. Family yeah and though everyone but at. O'Neill Sofia Vergara okay but everyone. besides Otto Neil wasn't a famous actor. on that show I know not a one of them I. know okay yeah. they Rocketeer to the sky yeah okay yeah.

I would be interested to know which of. them have dynamically changed the most. well yesterday I texted Stonestreet yeah. cuz your friends were there yeah because. I sent him the I know he he liked it no. he I'll tell you what he texted back and. no Stonestreet says she basically you're. disgusting what did I say to you. you said um Santino you said God so.

gross and funny what time tomorrow. [Laughter]. yeah well I just was like this is. awesome I love I was thumbing through it. yeah I would have to say cuz I only know. Stonestreet yet he so he went from. because just a regular actor to. the roof yeah I I met Stonestreet when I. was a commercial actor I know yeah we. played a commercial yeah yeah and then. so and then one day he goes I got this. show right yeah and can I tell you what.

it kind of what kind of a guy. Stonestreet is yeah I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna get emotional. please don't so stone streets on his. third year on Modern Family. hmm and they're shooting I forget what a. lot is that we're either it's not. Radford it was um paramount yeah weren't. they no no weren't they yet are they on. Fox they were on Fox oh yeah was that. the Fox lot it was Fox yeah it was Fox. yeah and I am sony Sony it was that Sony. Cobra Sony yes so Sony Warner Warner.

Brothers and I don't know what the [ __ ]. it is but but I remember having an. audition for some sort of series right. right and I was like at that moment in. my career I didn't have Tiger Bell or. anything and I didn't have kalila and I. was so desperate to get a job. yeah right and I remember walking you. know you when you audition for a show. like that you have to go through the. gate and then you have to make that.

three mile walk to whatever [ __ ]. building you have a pass and they're. like you know where to park and you're. like yeah we're and they're like nine. miles that way and you got to walk over. there and it's like walking through. first class when you're a coach because. you have to walk through people that are. already on a show and they're staring at. you well yeah they're so Modern Family. was shooting a scene mm-hmm and I was. walking past it like really fast cuz I. knew I didn't want Eric to see me but he. [ __ ] saw me so Stonestreet goes hold. up a second and he follows me to the. audition now right yeah so I'm sitting.

there in the audition in this little. Lobby room right he opens the door and. he tells everyone he looks at me and he. goes Bobby what the [ __ ] dude he goes it. doesn't have to be perfect I go what do. you mean your audition just get the gist. it's okay to make a mistake and that's. nice right it doesn't have to be perfect.

that's a very nice. he walked out cuz he wanted me to I. didn't get it but I get it yeah but I. remember having an OK audition because. he you're right because when I sit there. for me. I go if I don't have this downward for. work oh you were being your panic attack. yeah I was yeah I was having one of. those times in my career where I was so. desperate that I had to kill it mm-hmm. he took a lot of that pressure away by. saying that by just being a friend yeah. and so here's a guy that's he had.

already won I think his first at me at. the point at that time I mean season 3. they were [ __ ] rolling rolling yeah. so he was killing it so you know he he I. don't see that he changed at all he's a. grade-a dude I love him he's a great guy. that's good to hear. I love them that's good to hear that. someday look we've all there's people. that I know that have gotten skyrocket. Fame and haven't changed like just not. even a little bit not even they haven't. even changed kind of how they live which. is even more unusual there's some people. I know that they made a ton of money.

they did a lot of stuff and they're kind. of this exact same person yeah and I. think I think the top of that list for. me and I don't even know him I think. Galifianakis is oh god he's the best. he drives a Subaru still has same. Outback like he doesn't he that was a. kind of guy where you're like oh he's. the where Jerry Seinfeld has 90 Porsches. yeah and and someone like Zach has one. Subaru it speaks volumes over like yeah. I don't really need stuff a couple years. ago I was in a movie called anyway it's.

fine to own 94 sick I would like I'm. keep up keeping up with the Joneses I. was in that movie yeah you did that yeah. I was in that movie I auditioned for. that did you didn't get it yeah I'm in. it and a couple rewrites on it actually. I mean it was mad scenes but any movie. was bad shut the [ __ ] up movie was bad. watch the movie movie was bad I have a. really funny scene movie anyway so I'm. in Georgia yeah Atlanta and as soon I. know what Georgia Atlanta you think I'm.

thinking about the country Georgia I. know where you are. Jules don't laugh Jules laugh I love it. yeah go and I remember so the director. wanted to see my outfit thousand. wardrobe. and that the director was get you have. to get in the van we get it you got a. drive to set right now for can I do. right so I'm in this van right and I'm. driving to set and so I show up at set. and the director comes up behind video. village and god yeah yeah okay good. right but then Zack sees me and he goes.

oh my god he gives me a hug right and. then the next day I'm shooting and you. know how like um the stars get a certain. tent yeah there's like a white tent it. was really hot and they had these air. conditioning things they had me by the. stable right the horse stable yeah right. yeah and it was like I didn't even get. like a chair it was just like I'm on a. curb and just smoking like right saying.

chain smoking smoking right and I. remember Zack goes um dude come on white. tent so I walk in the white tent and jon. Hamm's era yeah and I sit there with. they have a seat for me and I just hang. out with Jon Hamm and said cuz if wasn't. for Zack obviously I wouldn't be there. right but he made me feel so comfortable. yeah I have a photo on Instagram we took. a selfie or whatever of you and you. threw us three right and um and I just. thought to myself oh you not haven't.

changed that yeah it was good dude yeah. that makes me like him [ __ ] so much. more what a good dude when I watched his. live at the purple onion was one of the. greatest special that one to this day it. like no good still let me tell you one. quick story about a guy that that I want. to say that passed away last year last. year this year. the years get mixed up oh no no no. there's an actor named Robert Forester. do you know who that is of course I know. Robert Forbes ok Forester was on I'm. dying up here he played the father of. one of the characters that passed away.

are you sure he was on it yeah mr. Forester rest in peace who's now passed. away the one of the most telling things. I think I've ever seen in my entire life. he was wrapped he was done and and as he. was left he went up to every single. person I'm not kidding and he handed. them a letter opener that was like a. custom letter opener. from him to something simple but as a.

heavy heavy nice letter opener and he's. like just a piece of my gratitude and he. handed it to every single person do they. were a shitload of people that worked on. that [ __ ] show right and he handed. one to everybody and said thank you and. that was the last time I ever saw him. then he passed away I still have the. letter opener in my drawer today but I. was I suppose a guy who's been in the. business for probably I don't know 40 50. who [ __ ] knows and he still gave a. goodbye gift that's that's that's. meaningful as [ __ ] have you ever given a.

goodbye gift what the [ __ ] am I gonna do. with the letter opener open [ __ ]. letters never got a letter in my life. you don't get letters I get letters all. the time you know what I was going a. [ __ ] you Forrester oh yeah I mean Bob is. a dull knife what is this it's a dull. knife I'd be grateful it was very easy. in grade or no mm-hmm. it says [ __ ] the Koreans it was sweet. though have you ever given a gift.

goodbye no no but I have given enormous. gifts. I was so does this oh [ __ ] it this is so. cheesy this is so gross what did you. give so the first year I was on MADtv. nobody liked me no [ __ ] no I I could. because they would tell me producers. would tell me like just don't go into. that office they don't like you I would. it was not liked right yeah I had this. weird kind of I was so scared and. frightened right that it came out in the.

weirdest way is yeah yeah I know I see. you do it. you do yeah you do it all the time [ __ ]. you when you get scared or [ __ ] up you. do weird [ __ ]. so yeah I'm we are really strange like I. couldn't like talk to people and I would. try to make jokes and nobody like you. know it was just desperate right. desperate to get on because they. wouldn't put me in sketch it I was. desperate so I spent and I didn't even. get that much money but I one paycheck I.

got it was like we got $4,500. that was for a week of work a week of. work right which is good money but in. showbiz not not show business right. right. so and then what you get you do with. taxes and your agents and managers you. get mm but I spent the whole [ __ ]. thing on Christmas gifts because I was. so desperate for people to like you you. for people to like me right. and I would write letters to people that. I knew didn't like me thank you so much. you know man what was the gift I got. everyone different things like I went.

specific like I'm gonna buy this person. wine because I think they like wine. that's a lot and I did you know I did it. and ever I'm going to eat and then. giving it to people and then they're. going them going Thanks they have to. yeah I can't hate you. accept it but I just remember me being. so needy and just going here we go from. my bottom I think happy like me yeah oh. my I wish I had what was the most. expensive thing you bought I bought like.

um like a first generation iPod or. something like that. for like a producer that I didn't I knew. they didn't like me. did you like you after but then what. happened was there was a magazine there. was an Asian magazine where I called. everyone out right. what's the Asian magazine called it was. called noodle weave in Korea a more it. was something like that. and I remember it was the first year as. I'm mad and I remember calling people. out specifically this writer you know. mean hasn't written me a single sketch. and I remember coming to work and one of.

the particulars uchi one of the. producers going we have a problem coming. into the conference room and I walk into. the conference room and there's a stack. of these magazines and like six people. that called out they got hash this out. that's just not right now. yeah how would they know this is before. the internet yeah how the [ __ ] would.

they know about some Korean magazine. because one of them is got it no one of. them. somebody told someone someone I don't. know how they did and it was so you have. to apologize no I didn't because I know. I would defense if I go to cuz they. listen I know I'm not a second city guy. I know that you guys write for only. second city guys right right I'm a comic. I don't know how to. can do this thing right and I know that. you know I wasn't good I wasn't good I.

was terrible at a terrible table reads. and I was so bad at rehearsal I just. I've never been on a show before so I. would just like you know I was scared. yeah you were learning I was I learned. to do everything on that show and you're. great it took me years yeah right but. eventually I learned but um I remember. defending myself I go yeah but they did. do these things right what did the. people say and they were like yelling at. me do you new on the show white we shut.

the [ __ ] up. yeah I mean and I always some of the. writers do you remember who they I don't. wanna get him come on no we'll be right. back after these messages. no what do you mean you can see me. you're it's already it's in the past you. mentioned the writer before no no no are. they still writing yeah their own killer. named one of them that you loved all the. writers I did love it would give me the. one no there give me the one that you. called out that you actually really like. there's a okay so there was a couple of.

writers on the show that um that I. didn't would didn't like me at first but. over the years of being me on the show. they became our allies and they wrote me. the best sketches I've ever been on. that's huge yeah do you still work with. any of them now no hmm that's why I love. them dearly miss them and I think. they're super talented and I actually. one of them Harvard guys there's their. Groundlings guys but they always have a. couple of Harvard Pete writers and stuff. yeah yeah there'll be these guys were.

groundling guys yeah and but I can talk. about that had some allies as well. you're gonna be on the show early on. what actors were allies. wasn't first coalition Michael McDonald. was he an ally now he hated you huh I. think he did yeah does he hate you now I. love him love him to death I didn't talk. to him for years. how about SAS he was the only one he's. the only one him and mo Collins him and. Mo yeah Alex Borstein was on her way out. you know she. yeah yes a Borstein was very nice to me.

but why do I know who she is she. massively famous yeah so Borstein was. super-sweet yeah and she was she would. give me pointers and this and that but. um it was really will well so was the. one that really was the only one that. was like come over the house I'm having. barbecue or let's go to this party yeah. so I went I did a bunch of [ __ ] and then. I betrayed him what did you do when he. left the show I started getting popular.

on the show and then for like a three or. four year period he would text me like I. would never return his tags. he said you Pete that's a piece I should. think why would you do that I see ok. with you now. oh yeah we're very good friends but I. mean what was the makeup point you said. I'm sorry I got ahead of myself it was. when my career wasn't doing well and it. wasn't not doing well and I had been. friends with daliyah mm-hmm but D'Elia. and his friends with Jillian Kalyn yeah.

and this is when they were doing. 10-minute podcast right I was hanging. out together and then they invited me. they were going to coffee being in Los. Feliz and I met will they're there as. well and I made my amends I told him I. loved them and then we became friends. again that's really nice yeah well I. mean you you for a long time dude as. long as I've known you you did have a. lot of phone problems you had a lot of. phone issues you're you were not good. for a long time and texting back and. stuff you know that's true yeah but I've.

we bitched about it in the past I'm. better now you're much better you know. who you know why you're better why. that's one person who it's a girl kalila. mm-hmm that's not why she's made you. better not in the I've been dating for. seven fourteen years and in the last six. months I've been [ __ ] do being better. at texting back he's because when my dad. died and I went to that place and I got. sober again isn't what I was a part of. my it's a part of my being present and. being accountable who was there the.

whole nine ville you redhead freak who. is there to work you through it Kyle was. there gold all over who is kalila you. [ __ ] I'll rip your eyebrows whenever I. get a text back from you by the way. I got two separate text the other day. one from Bobby and one from kalila maybe. the funniest and I'm not kidding. I laughed harder that afternoon that. I've laughed in. and I mean this in years Bobby sent me a. picture of his [ __ ] resting on his balls. outside of above his pants he was doing.

over the fence. everyone knows over the fence through. the Gator over the fence but it's over. the fence his balls were over at the top. of his boxers and his dick was resting. on it and he's going like this it's far. away and you kind of have to focus in to. see his penis because it's the focus in. the picture is up here and then you look. down of course there's his penis and I. laugh because I've seen his penis and. that's very funny within seconds babam I. get another text. yeah from kalila yeah it's the same. picture from a different angle and she. just writes from a different angle so.

made me laugh so [ __ ] hard yeah to. get another perspective of the exact. same photo yeah it just made me it just. was like that's that's real love when. you send a picture of your penis to your. buddy and your girlfriend goes I'm gonna. get a picture of you getting a picture. of your penis to send it to the friend. who's who's very soft send those dick. pics to you and daliyah I know cuz I can. handle it he doesn't like that [ __ ]. he'll go I'll tell you what his response. was it's right here so D'Elia said there.

he is right there so he goes do you ever. have to see this stuff Jules you ever. like see his penis and all that stuff no. that's gross so it says you see his butt. shut up Jules you never see my [ __ ]. have you speakin to Mike have you really. seen his butt when did you see my butt. oh yeah on stage yeah no [ __ ] yeah. everyone's seen that Jules come on but. still uncomfortable for her it's like.

I'm going to cover this so I said. thinking of you. mm-hm and he goes damn it Bobby yeah but. you know he gets the joke he doesn't. love those jokes but he gets him you. know he does get it yeah he gets him. chris has a good sense of humor nice we. will dinner he always goes he can Toki. do a show and I always go okay. so we'll be at like swingers or. something rest in peace rest in peace. swingers and I will pull my dick out and. at the table right and I'll stretch out.

the little skin that wings. yeah and dude Toki the dumb-dumb will do. like a little acapella. hello my bookie dum-dum hello you know I. mean a new whole thing and they just. laugh and laugh and laugh it's a gift. that keeps on giving. when do you think you'll stop doing. stuff like that never even like 60s and. 70s Oh 48 now you're 48 yeah holy Shi. hold are you [ __ ] you Bobby. 40 [ __ ] you Bobby hey 42 what are you.

you know I'm below 40 are you 38 lower. 36 lower you are lower 35 lower 34 low. we're already three lower I'm not just. tell me now 31. you're only 31 no Bobby I'm not I know. that's impossible I'm 36 possible I'm 36. are you really your [ __ ] eyes I am. I'm 36. what do I care what just tell me the. truth you brought an illegal Filipino. child and you're gonna say whatever the.

[ __ ] I want to you know I'm 36 Andrew. Santino was born in 83 the internet will. tell you the truth yeah. Hades baby God 40 or 48 when I first. [ __ ] moved here you're 36 years old. yeah it's a funny when you put Andrew. Santino the first photo that goes up is. and then it says 48 right here [ __ ] you. well that's what's Andrew Santino's age. right yeah 36 look at the first photo.

you yeah and this is 48 well you know. why it says you 48 what cuz people know. that we're in love and people want to. associate love with with their buds with. their pals do 40 it has all the people. huh yeah it does like suggested searches. and stuff like yet yeah I don't like. [ __ ] like that you know it's been doing. a lot you know I talked about I'm not. gonna say it but I talked about. something recently doing something to my. house I was like I really need to get. this done before the summer so hopefully. I can get this done in the meantime at. all this [ __ ].

Instagram everyday ad for it and ad for. it pops up on my Google searches now. what is it I can't say it just say it. I can't just focus here and we'll cut it. out 15 jet hot tub 15 seat hot tub. it's a boat I want a boat for my house. and the roof so no but now that answer. let me ask you something yeah on. Instagram because I just all the ads. that I get right for some reason are.

about cats maybe if you talk about cats. like cat beds yep cat toys why does it. how does it know that I like you search. for cute cats and when you said you do. searches for cats on Instagram do you. ever look at cat profiles I follow about. 20 cat profiles what the [ __ ] oh it does. that of course it knows so if I start. let's say if I start following. hamburgers yep it'll it'll give me grill.

add ads and anything there of anything. around there I follow a couple of car I. [ __ ] a couple of car car Instagram. things yeah so you get car ass so not. only that it's really even below that it. goes even deeper there's a guy named. Matt Watson who's on a thing called car. Wow. which is a YouTube channel I get. suggestions every day to follow him on. Instagram I don't get a wow that that's. how it's absolutely it's at algorithms. are deep they but it goes to the. weirdest crevasse yeah sometimes it goes. a place where I'm like how would you.

even know that I'd be interested in that. by the way I am ask Jules so I've. ordered probably 10 cat products of. Instagram I and I know it's working. no but no is it no it's not because I've. paid for them yeah they say they've. arrived at my house there's none in the. house you're just getting robbed I don't. know 15 of them the little you know. controlled mouse thing the salmon that. flips up and down oh the salmon the. flips I think that's a funny ad I've. bought and all that I bought a cat.

window thing will you put it on the BET. and I have you follow the tracking yeah. arrived and it says it's arrived maybe. is it going to your old place no I just. don't I don't know none of it is and I. asked her she was there I had a meltdown. over it wasn't true why would he get it. what happened let me hear from Jules. what happened Jules. the closer to the mic we were driving. and then he asked at the kalila to help.

him and then I think a lie that said. that I'm doing something else and then. he got really mad and he threw a fit. yeah and he said you don't want to help. me thank you make you make me sound like. I'm the bad guy. then I think I'll I got mad and yelled. at him what did she say to him for God. did she cussed him yeah I think so. yes a fight it was a five real fight a. real fight that's a real fight over cat. stuff it's okay I know baby I know you.

want your cat stuff you want me to start. buying and see if it comes to me I. already spent all the money on it well. can't you follow up and goo pants I. bought these bamboo pants all right here. we go if there's any cat companies out. there they make cool cat stuff will you. please send some to Bob please I just. want the salmon one I want the little. remote control my mouse one he wants the. floppy salmon the remote we don't have. and the window hammock can we get that. stuff please whoever does need the cat. stuff yeah I already paid for them so. give it to me just give it to him will.

ya. yeah what a good day today this has been. a good day I want to thank Ted months. for our amazing new art we're gonna hang. up the other signs when we get a chance. it's been a great day please stay safe. say that please you know here I want to. say let's not end right now let me just. say about a little some Quarantine. advice okay okay I know dudes now. personally that are dying from it you do. yeah you know not personally but I know. better than personally but like John.

Prine just died yeah that's really I. love that guy yeah rest in peace man. he's awesome the lead singer from. [ __ ] founds of Wayne died we really. yeah he did yeah holy [ __ ] so you know. on a sink you know the weak are gonna. die off this and it's like we don't he's. Adam wouldn't have died if he had the. flu you know what's so funny they still. have gatherings if they say it's. gatherings of 10 or more so those people. are still getting together groups of 10. that have to be around other people have.

you seen his preacher there's a preacher. that yeah in Tampa Bay he did like 1,500. people or some churches are still going. on in Louisiana in Florida. what's it what was his name do you know. what his name was there was a rest. yeah he had a gathering of 1800 people. no that's not the guy though this is oh. yeah yeah here it is yeah this guy this. is a bad guy yeah holding church. services stay at home order yeah this. guy look at it look at this look at this. guy's face that's Jesus there very good. yeah very good preacher though yeah my. favorite i'm mateus louisiana they're.

still holding a church services god i. can't why are they doing that man I know. Jesus I know I tweeted about it I this. woman it said did you see this on on. Twitter I'd said this woman was like I'm. be I'm covered in Jesus's blood. it's never gonna affect me have you seen. this this this is ridiculous I mean. people think that people if people think. that that's gonna save them but what. they don't get is is that I don't give a.

[ __ ] what you do yeah I'm okay but your. actions affect the rest of you are just. attack that's a great remix - yeah yeah. this woman though she goes I'm cover to. Jesus blood they're not gonna kill me. you're not gonna get me yeah what an. insane idea to be like I'm fine. stay safe do the best that you can get.

thank you for being a bad friend. you. [Music]. you.