Egg Noggin | Ep 250 | Bad Friends

this episode of bad friends is presented. and fueled by hule your go-to for. Complete Nutrition try hu with 15% off. today using Code bad friends at my.u.com. badf friends hey what's up bad friends I. am on tour for only two more months I'm. almost done with this tour and I can't. wait for you to come out and see it. before we shoot the hour uh in Chicago. I'm at the Chicago Theater hey hey I. start the year off back in my hometown. then I go to Durham where you at Durham. Bulls come out and see your boy North. Carolina come on and raise up Atlanta. Georgia Charles South Carolina Philly.

I'm at the Met I can't wait to play you. Philly I'm so excited to come there I've. never played the Met I'm excited by. myself uh New York I'm at the Beacon. Theater show up New York Phoenix San. Francisco there's two shows San Diego. two shows Boston four shows Boston come. out and see your boy in February and. then I end the tour in Minneapolis I. think we're adding a fourth Show. Minneapolis if you can if you can sell. out that third one we might add a fourth. show for something special come out and. see me at Andrew Santino docomo dcom.

hey we got merch we got the merch baby. this is um this is a bad friend this is. from our the fans designs yeah this is. this was embroidered it's high quality. love and you're going to love it you're. going to love it and we also have uh. hoodies we got these in crew neck we got. them in hoodie uh and this is another. one of the bad friends fans designed uh. and go to uh badf friends merch.com. badri merch.com is where you're going to. get all this stuff uh go get it you two. are bad friends who are these two idiots.

a white dude and an Asian dude you two. are disgusting oh you two are something. we're bad friends oh you have cookies in. there oh nuggets here. dude from Trader Joels dude is that from. teachers pass at 10 player pass at 10. play boy one of our favorite Traditions. is here in Bobby chewing on the mic. jingle jangle Fun mix of favorite candy. treat welcome to let let it rip today. dude yeah let it rip I'm ready for it I.

agree I'm so depressed I get so. depressed during the holidays I can't. even it's like a it's a deep it's a deep. depression you you don't get. depressed you love it I stay depressed. dude let's see if this going to make it. over the crack yeah December 1st is when. it starts. nope December 1 you get depressed all. the way until January 5th what happens. on January 5th.

cuz the next day is our holiday three KS. what three KS the crings happen three. crings what's three King what is. it let's start good let's start good. let's not start like that but do you get. you get real depressed oh yeah yeah I. could tell I could tell Dude your face. gets all red and all depressed huh I had. a massage. today and the woman said is there. anywhere I'm not allowed to. touch really I thought about you well.

there are some areas that you don't. touch I said I don't want my fa I don't. like my face I don't like my Achilles. heel being touched uhuh I don't want. that damage at all dude didn't that. happen to Troy who who did that happen. to who's Troy Helen of Troy what AES. Achilles oh Achilles yeah what Achilles. this his name is not Troy no in Troy in. Troy oh that's what it is uh oh here we. go the Greek hero achill only vulnerable. spot was his heel left untouched until.

his mother dipped him in the river. sticks as that's where the band sticks. get their name from well that's. everyone's vulnerable spot their heel. Well mine's the taint mine goes the. taint taint it's so vulnerable my taint. tickly wickly I know but there's. probably a layer of skin that's not. missing there's something about the. taint that area do you know what the. taint is no can you guess what a taint. is it's on your body I'm guessing like. on your feet no well some of mine's on. my feet mine does stretch down stretches. to my feet is it uh.

on the vagina no it's the area between. your balls and your butthole or your vag. in the butthole the taint is a v that. little that little skin yeah that that. little Gap oh not little some people. have huge taints I hate the way this. starting all. right switch it it's not holiday spirit. no don't I don't like the way that's. starting either D let's start new. start Bello Bell this way oh what fun.

eat to ride one ho punay hey jingle bell. jingle. B dude Asian Santa at the mall dude see. on my rapper yeah have you been a good. boy um there's no chimney in Japan are. there Chimneys in Japan 100% there's. Chimneys in Japan what are you talking. about there's got how Sant get in there.

is there CH not only yes there are. Chimneys in Japan they're not commonly. seen because a lot of times you see in. the city it's all buildings it's all. highrises I remember I grew up in a. highrise in the city when I was a kid I. grew up in an apartment building and I. said to my mom how does Santy even get. in we don't have a chimney right and she. goes he comes through the front door and. I thought what an invasive thing to do. cuz the reason why um Hiroshima and. Nagasaki it was so devastating is. because the houses no but the before the.

bombs you know what they did firebombs. yeah why why why was that so warning. shots no that's not why why why was fire. firebombs so detrimental in those um. Japanese cities teach me Mr no all wood. what their houses made of like rice. paper and wood bamboo no really yeah. what I know yeah yeah yeah well why. didn't you answer it the first time then. because I wanted you to say it.

World War II I don't think you knew Most. Japanese cities were built highly. flammable materials like wood and paper. yeah extremely vulnerable to large scale. fires when bombed resulting in massive. civilian casualties widespread. destruction of infrastructure. significant impact on morale yeah you'd. think if your house burned down that. would bum you out a little bit it was. devastating back then you weren't even. there I was there you were yeah yeah I. was a baby you were baby it was so. devastating Japan I crawled to Korea you. did yeah dude it's a long crawl I know. dude I swam you did yeah devastating.

devastating that's devastating well. Merry. Christmas Merry Christmas you know we. can say Merry Christmas now cuz Trump is. President we're allowed to go back oh. yeah thank God what what ever happened. to K Quanza it's still is that a thing. have you heard K Quanza December 26 dude. oh the the Quanza K Quanza is just so. they've got a Hanukkah like candles. right you light how many candles are. there let me see the K Quanza Quanza uh. so there's one two three four five six.

seven yeah so it's eight in eight for. Hanukkah right who look at the black one. in the middle what is that mean and look. those are the guys on the outside. fighting them yeah keeping them down. keeping the man down the seven candles. in the kinara symbolize the seven. principles of K Quanza and what are the. seven principles of Quanza I'd like to. know I can guess yes Thou shalt not do. incus no no that's that's we want that. all right hold on here umoja emoa means.

unity in. Swahili uh so strive to maintain unity. in the family community nation and race. kuika say that one go ahead Rudy kuji. chulia kuji chulia this principal refers. to uh naming creating and speaking for. oneself. self-determination uama ujima would. these sound Korean uima. nia nia Kumba Kumba umani imanii oh I I. I met a girl named ammania in college.

yeah was she black was she black no oh. [ __ ] yeah of course she Miracle yeah. Faith Community Faith this is all kind. of the same thing they're saying this is. kind of nice I think we should celebrate. Quanza this year I have eggnog see I. think that's what it is you need eggnog. no no no I think that you coming in with. your Christmas Vibes Mone has sort of. like rattled me I love Christmas give. give him some eggnog give me some eggnog. have you ever had eggnog wait seriously. they don't have that in the Philippines. huh I haven't even built a ginger Bread. House well you can take that home and.

build it that was a gift from us to you. thank you and you can eat it when you're. done this is a Dave a tell joke you know. what eggnog is elf [ __ ] yeah I love. that wow it's just milk no no no no it's. eggnog it's eggnog it's something. different it's yellow o thick yeah there. we go thank you give some for juwes yeah. give some for juls you want some no. thank you m really good eggnog you like. it really good give me the carton yeah.

yeah give me the carton you're going to. love it you are going to love it hold on. get out of the way while she drinks it. do it. again I like this PR good right it's. really sweet it's sweet so you want to. know what's in. it yeah yeah milk cream sugar eggnog. base which is sugar egg yolks and. natural flavors nutmeg. turmeric uh citric acid milk Sal. cinnamon stabilizers gu gum caragan. which is uh and then locust bean gum.

from locusts you know cuz locusts have. big mouths big mouths and they have gums. look at that there it is yeah locust. bean gum those are their mouths those. are their mouths so you're eating a. locust right now it tastes it tastes. good it tastes good yeah but It Coats. your mouth a little too thick for me. yeah there is a [ __ ] like let me see. your tongue show me. your yeah yeah it's like you can't you. don't want to do this at Christmas. dinner like so will you do me a favor. and Mone why don't you come.

you delicious you don't want to do that. Christmas dinner no not at the dinner. especially if there's gays there. anywhere cuz when the gays are there. they get they get [ __ ] crazy where. Carlos Carlos is in Texas I think yeah. Merry Christmas this is my gift to you. guys yeah that's actually nice that he's. gone do you miss him kind of yeah he's. in. [Laughter]. Texas so I rewatched a TV show last.

night and I think it's one of the. greatest shows that no one's watched. what is it it's called. um it's called Kingdom oh this is the. the MMA show no oh what's it's a Korean. show on Netflix called Kingdom have you. seen it not yet it's the greatest show I. think I I mean when I've seen it twice. now there's two seasons it's so [ __ ]. good and nobody watches it well someone. must they're on a second or third season. right yeah they did two seasons and then.

a movie based on Kingdom it's so [ __ ]. good and oh God I can't and no one like. I I I can't talk to anybody about it it. have white people in it no it's all. Koreans yeah and it's also oh my God. does it does it have white white people. L yeah yeah can I just tell you what. it's about yeah of course so it's. ancient Korea I'm already out that's. that's what I mean yeah that's yeah. you're right if there's anything ancient. it's got to be to be China we can only.

see ancient Chinese [ __ ] so it's ancient. Korea right and it's like it's like a um. game of throny kind of a show where. there's like what's going on game of a. throne right yeah the guy's pitching us. like imagine game of a throne yeah but. are you saying singular what G of. Thrones all of them to many everyone. every Everybody you he mean so they go. okay and they're like and then but then. you you know no walking Walking Dead uh.

walk oh Walking Dead but it's walk dead. you know right you know how the Z zombie. the fried Walking Dead yeah the fried. Walking Dead yeah yeah you can put sell. walks okay you put walk perfect in the. show we it's like. a produ placement product pricing okay. so what is your show about okay so. ancient Korea got it right Game of.

Thrones got it right Walking Dead it put. it together oh yeah we are Kingdom oh. yeah we'll buy it yeah that does sound. like that's how it got sold in the room. right Walking Dead yeah Game of Thrones. in set in ancient Korea okay so I'll get. you that's a good pitch so I'll give you. the premise yeah there's a king M right. he's an. emperor okay let me guess is it set. during the the Joan Dynasty yes how' you. know how'd you know how'd you know how. know I you know pretty good guess I.

guess all right and so he remarried and. he he had he you know the queen is a. concubine one of his concubine oh this. must have been taking place during the. imun. war is that true or no how do you know. that I know a little bit of Korean. history seriously you saw the show in. the 17th century No I know a little bit. of Korean. history keep going please talk to me I. want to but I'm just I know some of. those things okay anyway um do it follow. based on is it based on real people like.

Lee Chang is follows Lee Chang D shut. the [ __ ] up dude shut the [ __ ] up dude. what shut the [ __ ] up did you see it. okay anyway let me I know Chang is the. crown how the [ __ ] you know that what do. you mean I know some ancient oh you read. it no yeah you reading it no I'm not all. right anyway stop reading it all right. let me Pitch it to you okay listen Jules. okay all right so um so this this. concubine she's young right and she's. pregnant right and he's old super old.

the emperor right but he he already had. a son he's a good guy his son is a good. guy yeah so when the King dies right the. emperor dies his son is going to become. emperor but the concubine's like I'm. pregnant oh and I have the next right. and and if my baby gets born right right. I love this right and then the emperor. dying he's so old so there's a herb out. in the mountains right and it's it. there's like worms attached to this herb.

uhhuh and so when you eat the herb the. worms turn into these [ __ ] worms and. they attack your brain you turn into a. zombie W right so she's like trying to. prolong the King's life cuz he's dying. so she feeds him this. flower so that he stays alive until she. gives birth because if he dies then he's. automatically Emperor this other son. whoa what this is wild no why you be I. feel like you don't like it I love it. yeah yeah right I thought it was going. to go a different way but right so the. the the Emperor's old oldest son is like.

going like he he knows that his dad's. sick he's already dead but he's a zombie. and they're locked up he's locked up in. his like Fortress but he's technically. still alive he's technically still alive. but the [ __ ] concent isn't really even. pregnant she lied she puts a thing in. there to pretend right and she's there. she's on the side Gathering women all. over that are pregnant and seeing if. they're males the oh she's trying to. find to steal the baby a Baby W right.

and then um what happens is the Emperor. he's in the Fortress and there's a. little servant who feeds him like humans. flesh y right but the boy gets. bitten and he turns into a zombie no. yeah but he dies and some people don't. turn into a zombie he just died yeah but. what happens is the doctor brings them. to a different town to um just do an. autopsy uh-huh but that town is so.

hungry that one of the. villagers chops him the boy carcass up. and feeds it to the villagers I can I. can see why people didn't watch this and. then the villagers all dude I know okay. can I just say this it's too much no no. what okay there's this this after the. first anyone listening the first episode. the very end scene watch it it is. incredible I'll say this okay it sounds. good it went a little too wonky donkey. here's what it should have been she's. pregnant she's actually the show's a hit.

what are you talking about if they did. two season you can't rewrite it I'm. rewriting okay all right you it wasn't. hit you just said it lasted two and then. they killed it and no one watched it you. started this off by saying nobody. watched this [ __ ] show so clearly it. wasn't a hit it wasn't a hit here's how. it would have been great take it out of. the fantasy world of zombies just make. it so that she's pregnant and there is a. team of people who are trying to kill. her so this baby doesn't get born so. that this other other next to Kin gets. the. so it's a war of trying to kill this.

woman to get this baby out of her so she. she's not carrying the next king no I. love that better than eating a worm in. the brain and the keep him in the zombie. and it bites the boy no but these. villagers that eat I don't like zombies. that's my you know I don't oh you don't. like zombies can I can I ask you about. zombies zombies doesn't do it for me I I. have a thought about zombies you like. zombies I like zombies okay yeah if you. watch any I talked about zombies before. on the show probably we love zombies we. like zombies have you thought M listen. okay you're.

director so rude to do that with Andre. right I know I know I know you know so. when you see like walking dead or. anything are you you don't like talking. about this no I want to hear you just. Sigh No I'm just fat right now you look. great no brother I live the mirror this. morning 205 206 I think it was yesterday. fatty fatty Patty wty yeah Fatty Patty. wagon I was just eating [ __ ] when I. watched The Walking Dead what when you. see you see average zombies you mean. looks wise they're potentially average. people who turn it into average zombies.

right so they're all wearing like you. know a workman's jacket right just. regular regular LA right but you never. see dwarf. zombie you mean the you never see that. no Brad no bread you never see spinal. Biff a zombie you know what I mean right. right you never see 600 lb zombie just. in a bed why not and he's eating deep. fried brains or whatever you know what I. mean right why is I don't know why you.

you got to mix it up right it's always. like well have you seen the last of us. there's different kinds of zombies but. those are mushroom zombies what no what. I'm talking is that what you're saying. yeah no what I'm saying is yeah I mean. people turning into a mushroom zombie. I'm not talking but what happened to. their you know what I mean if they're if. they're OCD or whatever you got to put. that into it like why isn't there Au. aabi like walking over a crack 15. times you know what I mean like he loses. the OCD because.

zie why you you know what I mean or the. racism right you me right racist Z yeah. the zombies are just going for the black. eye right like they were like [ __ ]. KKK they turn zombie you never they what. who they were the essence of who they. were are gone you don't you don't. there's no autistic zombies yeah that's. what I'm saying it's a bunch of zombies. by a train track just eating people by. train tracks all. day immobile zombies right it's like. it's always the same there are fat. zombies in touch of the Dead Oh fat.

zombies that's the first time The. Walking Dead No Man's Land fat Walkers. are particularly dangerous and can they. can tank more right tank more damage. normal Walker so yeah I guess there is. yeah there's a few but not we don't see. it's not what you're saying is there. needs to be more Dei in the zombie world. yeah like MMA zombie right putting in an. arm lock but buy you know what I mean. just like they're old self more more of. that but I want to see dwarves LP. zombies yeah lpzs yeah and just you just. kick.

them and they land on their back they. have such little legs they can't get. back up they're. [Music]. [Laughter]. just you know I always do you ever think. about stuff like that oh every day of my. life like vampire like vampires where. are they where's the 600lb vampire that. drinks too much blood yeah he's yeah he. drinks way too much and his buddies are. going dude it's too much yeah your blood. sugar you just killed a giraffe your. blood sugar sugar. levels through the roof that's what I'm. saying a like a a vampire with diabetes.

yeah they never have that no they should. yeah I don't know why well one would. assume it's cuz they're they're dead. they don't have to [ __ ] adhere to any. rules so they're going to stay the same. shape and size like do you imagine when. you die will this be the body that you. embody in the afterlife or do you think. you get a new body n n leaders and. behavior change weight loss now offers. glp1 a compounded semaglutide n glp1 is. Affordable starting at $149 for those of. you that are looking to lose a a couple. of lbs cuz you're going to gain them I.

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hundreds of dollars a year because of. Rocket money why because I have so so. many subscriptions on my phone AB I have. no idea what is going on you have more. than anyone I've ever seen it right and. what it what does it consolidates it you. did because rocket money is a personal. finance app that helps find and cancel. your unwanted subscriptions they monitor. your spending and they help lower your. bills so you can grow your savings you. want to save that money baby rocket. money's dashboard gives you a clear view. of your expenses across all of your. accounts easily create a personalized. budget with custom categories to help. you keep your spending SP spending on.

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money go to Rocket money.com bfri today. that is rocket money.com bfri rocket. money.com bad Shopify man we've been. using Shopify for a long time and those. of you out there that support this show. and get merch from us they get the mo. from us we love Shopify because it fully. integrates and helps sellers like us get. the product to people like you nobody on. planet Earth does it better than no on. this planet not on this plan of course.

home of the number one checkout on the. planet that's right and the Not So. secret secret with shopay that boosts. conversions up to 50% meaning way less. carts are going abandoned uh way more. sales are going through with Shopify so. if you're growing your business no. matter what you're selling Shopify is. there to help you all along the way. businesses that sell more sell on. Shopify a bunch of companies like skims. Al Birds aloe they use Shopify just like. the bad friends family over here so. upgrade your business and get the same. check out as all birds a big Global.

respected company that is killing it. sign up for your $1 per month trial. period at shopify.com badri all. lowercase go to shopify.com lowercase. badri to upgrade your selling today. shopify.com. badri that's okay so this is what I was. thinking my friend that's a very good. question yeah do you get a new body so I. was watching 600 lb life the other day. love was one of my favorite shows right. good and a lot of them they just die fat. which is bad right I so bad feel bad aw. awful but when they get to heaven right.

are they 600 lb up there right do they. get a new shell do or do they just fall. immediately through the. sky they die and they and they fall. right because you're up there too heavy. for the too heavy for the clouds D or. like he's trying to get through the. Pearly Gates and he can't get in dude so. funny what too fat for the PE to fat for. the ply Gates imagine you never think. that and what's his name St Peter who's. at the gate yeah St Peter imagine St. Peter is like buddy buddy yeah go back.

down walk a couple laps around the. clouds and come on back you're never. going to make it up you never yeah. that's never gonna make it my buddy. Zach's got a great joke I'm gonna tell. his joke about hell have I told you this. joke I told you in the car in Australia. yeah tell me that guy says uh this guy. goes to this guy goes to hell right and. he gets down there and it's it's okay. it's not that bad and then hit H Hitler. the Devil comes up to him and goes uh. hey how you liking it he's like that's. honestly that's I mean I mean it's okay. he goes all right right on he's like you.

uh you like pizza he's like yeah I love. pizza he's like oh dude you are going to. love Mondays Mondays we have a brick. oven pizza right back there we use the. flames and we all get pizza we eat all. night and drink drink beer it's awesome. yeah he's like you like tacos yeah he. says yeah I love tacos dude you're going. to love Tuesday on Tuesday we all have. tacos we gather around together we drink. beer and eat tacos it's incredible all. right and he says um you like Wednesday. no. not how he goes he says please I like it.

better though he. says do you like anal sex with men yeah. and he goes no he goes you're going to. hate. Wednesday do you guys put up Christmas. lights when you were a kid on your bro. bro what are you talking about I just. asked you a legitimate question one. morning my dad goes wakes me up go Merry. Christmas I go okay and he goes he gave. me 200 bucks right that was Christmas is. it it gets worse. it was.

July is that Korean Christmas in July. yeah yeah I mean they don't know. anything about so you never did any. Decor my parents knew nothing about any. holiday you didn't get a tree ever you. yeah no I mean we had a tree right when. I was eight and I kid you not I'm not. this is not even a joke that tree stayed. in my house for seven years no yeah the. Pines had fallen off and my mom would. put squid on it the branches to dry the. squid well it is a nice way to dry out. the squid and it gets I swear to God.

that's not even a joke what is it what. is Charis Christmas in Korea what is it. like let's see what it's like down there. for chras Korean yeah tell me they do. it's considered a national holiday in. Korea most employees have a day off from. work but where can you look this up. later I mean whatever when that was a. thing I don't think it was like that. when my parents grew up well right I. think my my parents cuz when they came. to America in their in their in the. 1960s they knew nothing about it so when. it concept of Christmas was introduced. oh right it was it was uh yeah really it.

was the late 1700s and 1800s when my. parents didn't. care uh. donum uh introduced as Christmas as. important holiday described the. Christian events in detail so in the. late 1700s but your parents were way. before that your mom was born in like. 15024 what that boggles my mind because. my parents pretended like they didn't. know like we don't know yeah but check. this out this has got to be. socioeconomic too right like I'm sure. your parents didn't grow up with. anything they couldn't afford Christmas.

they were struggling to survive yeah I. don't this has got to be privileged. people in Korea that had money could. celebrate Christmas maybe not your your. not your [ __ ] parents they maybe. their fames didn't come from a lot of. money well why don't say that like that. that's a good thing no my parents my my. mom says we were Royal no they weren't. yeah had the Royal bloodline no no. chance my dad's side were ghetto my M. parents side my mom's side was Royal my. my my grandfather and my remember I told. you about the hill that my mom used to. walk down yeah that was like one house.

on a mountain how did you guys fall so. far what do you mean well you were. Royals and now you're no but they she. married my ghetto dad trash yeah yeah so. she she married down sounds like a. Hallmark movie yeah Titanic yeah she. married down she married. tiic yeah she married down dude that. sucks she married down for love Yeah. turns out wasn't worth. it really got two shitty kids and yeah I. think it wasn't worth it no yeah but. once it happens what are you going to do.

stay in love yeah you just got to stay. in love until one of them dies that's. really you just got to Slug It Out until. somebody dies yeah that's what love. really is but at least they didn't get. like I saw Tik Tok and you know that kid. we talked about it already but like a. kid that has like autism like severe. autism violent yeah like fights his. parents and yeah yeah yeah and it's like. at least they didn't have that no they. had drug addict children that's true. that's that's much easier to handle. you think so well I think because it's.

Compass through compassion that they. understand that you're probably using. drugs because you have an addictive. bloodline they didn't know about they. don't know about no but they you can you. can empathize there's something in your. your mom has a very she does empathetic. way yeah do you know what I mean are you. wearing your socks over your sweatpants. like that yeah cuz it's cold your ankles. were that cold. yeah did you celebrate Christmas in the. Philippines yeah even like all the poor. people they still celebrate Christmas.

right but when they got nothing what. happens it was just another day it's. fine really so like a a cuz remember we. went so we went to the Philippines. remember that one field not a field but. it was like a goat tied to like a stick. yeah and then we brought spaghetti yeah. you feed spaghetti to the goat no no no. we took we took like hundreds of. spaghetti boxes of spaghetti yeah to. feed the hungry yeah so and then they. ran out of these Huts can come can I. call them huts I think.

so I know I know but it seems like just. I'm being what are they made out of just. sticks sticks sticks and mud sticks. Stones yeah that's that's a Hut that's a. Hut thank you thank you yeah yeah that's. un undeniably a Hut yeah so we so we. bring a van we open it up we open up the. van and there's like these box of. spaghetti that we all you know yeah and. then out comes kids completely. naked you know what I mean spaghetti. yeah yeah and they took the and in my. mind I'm like what do they get for.

Christmas. spaghetti no really I mean and that poor. goat what did they were going to eat it. right you just no I don't know if they. were were they eating it what some. Filipinos they just take care of it I. was like they're pets so why poor goat. he's getting taken care of he didn't. look healthy oh right. yeah it was. like what you think I'm making fun of. why'd you roll your eyes what's going on. here now do oh there a ghost dude.

there's a ghost here back oh that it. fell yeah what are you doing Mone good. job con guess you know yeah good job con. we had the Beat Team today you golf. today no I can't cuz my back oh well why. are you tired then I think last night I. just couldn't go to bed I had one of. those nights where my brain was moving. and I was going through my. um was going through my [ __ ] set in. my mind about what I want to finalize. for the hour and then I couldn't go to. bed and then I went downstairs and I ate. a midnight snack and that's going to.

keep you up for another [ __ ] hour the. snack oh I had such a good little. [ __ ] snack what was that little. Hawaiian rolls you know little puffy. Hawaiian rolls with leftover um beef. tenderloin that we had and and I warmed. it up to the American cheese melted all. over that [ __ ] oh my Lord and I I had a. little bit of uh onions and peppers left. over wow buddy so I had two of those and. then I was up once you eat that midnight. snack [ __ ] you're up you're not going. back to bed we got to let it digest for. us well that's why I stayed up for a. little while yeah you know when people. wake do you wake up in the middle of.

night to pee oh yeah do you wake up in. the middle night to poop too no I've. started to do that some yeah I'll wake. up to poop sometimes sometimes I have to. hold my pee you know why why because if. I open the door the cats all three cats. are just waiting there waiting for you. to wake up they're they're 24/7 if I. close a door they're just waiting there. like this and I hold my pee I go I don't. want to deal with them what are they. going do just walk around no they try to. get in. but what do they do sometimes I'll open. it and one we scre it and then go.

underneath the bed and then now I have. to like go underneath the bed and grab. them what do they do if you're in the. room when you're sleeping you don't even. know they're there they just kind of. walk around no because you understand. cats are nocturnal animals yeah they're. up so at 4 in the morning gooni thinks. he's the flash he's jumping around yeah. you know what I mean and so I can't have. him in the. room you just hear crazy [ __ ] you know. what I mean you'll stay awake yeah. there's no way so I have to barricade. you know I barricade it wow with objects.

and all kind it's a whole system so if I. open it then I got to put the [ __ ]. barricades back up yeah and I've already. peed right so now I'm already awake cuz. I'm doing physical activity you know I. mean so it's like I sometimes just hold. it what's going on over your forehead. nothing oh just it are you having yeah. she's breaking out a little bit a little. bit huh it's kaspa. dandr what kuspa dandruff C kuspa is. dandruff yes what do you mean kaspa. kaspa is the word for dandruff in what.

language in Spanish really kaspa is. dandruff kaspa is that the same thing in. in the Philippines wow dandruff how. would you know that did you get were you. called cusa boy when you were a kid. little cusa that's that's fancy be's new. name kaspa wait what does kaspa mean. again dandruff flakes you have dandr on. your forehead that's why Kasa was named. gper that that right here that's it's. pimples here that's a pimp that's what I. meant and I have I thought you have. dandruff on your forehead like you have.

dandruff on your without the hair that's. incredible why do you have dandruff why. do you have dandruff I don't know I wash. your scalp is dry I wash my hair every. day that's that's exactly why you you're. not supposed to wash it every day no but. if I don't wash it every day and it gets. oily and it gets like heavy yeah but. there's tricks to it yeah doesn't your. aunt have a [ __ ] hair. carine yeah Jesus Christ use that hair. careine pay attention I do no but. honestly don't don't wash your hair. every day it's not good for it it. actually gets it more oily you know if.

you wash it too much it's bad for it. okay did you did you see the final of. Great British bof I haven't watched the. last episode but I but in my mind I know. who won tell me um uh uh the young. good-looking kid I can't remember his. name but don't say anything can I no. please I'm gonna watch it I'm gonna tell. you no because some of our fans don't. haven't seen it yet so don't do that. okay yeah you can't spoil it for them. but by the way the Great British Banking. show but it made me cry top tier.

television typ okay okay top tier. television it's not just top tier it's. there's a wholesomeness about it. beautiful and a warmth about it that. like is none of that's in my own life or. in American culture that's only happened. in the British in the British. competition shows it doesn't happen in. the American competition shows do you. know why I I have the secret I want to. know money there's no prize money in the. British shows zero it's all for prize. all the [ __ ] American shows are based. on Top Chef you can win.

$100,000 yeah it's Star Trek [ __ ]. exactly that's exactly Star truck. there's no money no money yeah yeah in. that world the goal is pride it's a. pride it's it's it is yeah being bonding. with other human being community. community and they don't have the the. American show it's all like it give me. the money I want to be Ruben stutter. yeah yeah yeah like when Paul the Holly. dude when H Hollywood gives you a. handshake I literally tear up that's.

more than money that's the point that's. more thany that's more than much but I'm. saying you can't I know what that means. that's more than much you can't replay. there's Paul Hollywood right now sexy. sex you watch show Fox it's the best. show on television he so what happens is. it's a baking showell and when he tastes. something it's usually something that he. can't make cuz he's one of the best. bread Bakers in the world in the world. in the world right so sometimes you know. they're amateur Bakers and sometimes. they'll make eat it and he'll chew it. you can tell what's going on in his mind.

he's like holy [ __ ] that was good right. right and every once in a while he'll go. handshake and when the contestant gets a. handshake they start crying because they. know that he doesn't give those up often. and they know that it's Excellence pure. Excellence it's such a great show and PR. is fun to look at too I. love the. comedy no yeah it's okay I don't I. they've tried to hire well they used to. have a couple of comedians coming and go. on the show yeah why do they even need. to do it sketches and stuff I think.

because it kills time I think it's a. filler that's PR right there we love PR. is great look at the lettuce on her zoom. in by the way yeah she's got the. thickest head of hair it's beautiful and. what flavor does she not like um that's. wait hold on this is funny yeah there. something that she doesn't like yeah. yeah yeah yeah well uh it's an. ingredient Paul Hollywood's the same way. he doesn't like uh um cuz he said it to. the young guy too in the middle of the. Season let me guess matcha no matcha he.

doesn't like that's what they call it he. doesn't like matcha matcha match he. doesn't like matcha but she doesn't like. I'll tell you hold on hold on give me a. hint give me one little hint it's. something that we eat in in our. sandwiches we make a sandwiches out of. it make our sandwiches out of it it's. take you got feeling for a sandwi oh. ingredient yeah. yeah peanut butter yeah she hates peanut. butter doesn't like peanut butter I. remember this by the way see we're both. how do you not like peanut butter how do. you not like it it's the greatest. Venture ever you like peanut butter it's. so good what do they were you chunky or.

creamy brother well let me guess just. like my [ __ ] chunk chunky chunk oh chunk. chunk chunky chunky chunk just like I. like my [ __ ] chunky chunky chunk I like. my peanut butter like I like my [ __ ]. chunk chunk chunky D I love chunky I. want to Crunch on it I want to feel the. bite yeah that is that is the thing. because when we what is that. discharge you know when you crumble. chips inside of your peanut butter and. jelly sandwich you need the crunch when.

you have potato chips and the chunky. peanut butter oh my you wa wait you do. peanut butter wait wait what stop stop. crumble up potato chips and put them. inside the peanut butter and jelly. sandwich you got to be kidding me like. lay like lays no you you've never you. got to show me Ruffles oh bro oh my God. oh my God I got to try it's one of my. favorite things on Earth are you sure. are you tricking you will love it you. guys have never done this you never. crumbled up chips on the inside of a. peanut butter jelly Salmons my God it's. [ __ ] phenomenal there potato chips in. there look at that there you go yeah you. crumble up so those are kettle cooked.

this might be kettle cooked might be a. little bit too much you need something. that's a little bit easier to break cuz. kettles kind of cut the roof of your. mouth if you catch them at a wrong angle. so what is it the saltiness of it yeah. it's the crunch you put salt in it then. no no no no no no no not and also flavor. you got to pick a good flavor you like. oh my god I've never even seen that. before as we must as we must it's white. people [ __ ] it's [ __ ] that you guys hide. we've been hiding it for a year yeah. yeah why do you hide [ __ ] like that well. let me tell you something I was going to. the meeting last week and I said can we. share with the others and all of the. whites were like we'd rather you not oh.

how many people are at the white meeting. uh well what's our local our local 416. is what I don't know there's like 100. people there or something like that yeah. 1220 one one1 120 depending and then. what so let me I because I've always. want to know about white meetings yeah. right so but can I tell you real fast. before you ask okay I said I want to. share some of this with my my Asian best. friend live it they kicked me out of out. of out of this sanctu oh you you're. invited really he's a co-chair. out of all the people in our area he's.

the co-chair well he's a co-chair of. this I mean Steve Carell lives around. here yeah well this carello he is in the. Illuminati chair oh there's different. yeah oh I see he's not there uhuh yeah. well he's he beams in he beams oh you. have okay yeah we see him wait what do. you got but ask go ahead cuz you oh may. I yeah may I. so would I I have so many questions I. mean I'll answer one right now yeah snow. was originally black we made it white. that was my first question oh my God.

snow was orig I did not know that wow y. yeah um are there any um black. angels mcon knows the. answer yeah do you know the you know the. tell him about the the tell them he. asked are there black angels and go. ahead tell yeah cuz you guys have all. the like the Dead Sea Scrolls or. whatever you have correct right yeah. tell them. correct yeah are there black angels I. don't think I'm allowed to tell them are. you nervous about this question all. right well we could bypass a question. would you like to come to one of these. meetings we are looking for staff yeah I.

mean I mean I would be honored but you. know I'm not well you'd be working the. meeting you'd be working any so you have. non-whites working the meeting well yeah. we're not going to do that [ __ ] that's. disgusting We're Not Gonna oh but would. I be able to eventually move my way up. the channel and be white there's room to. shift what do you mean well it's mostly. it's mostly lateral oh it's this way. yeah. yeah I don't want that I I would rather. not you'd be lucky to be there I.

understand that I mean I've always. wanted to see a white meeting right I. mean if I'm doing the janitorial stuff. like sweeping and all that stuff you. would would I be able to peek in and. watch what's going on or no perhaps I I. need a guarantee here babe well my dear. you pass one of the tests and you can. the baby blood that's not you don't get. those tests oh what does the minorities. get tell. them yeah tell us m. give them one of the minority test you. remember them you just got you just got.

you had your exam a week ago you know. you're enacting some of what is it what. is the what does what is minority's. first task here one of the minority's. first tasks is can you talk into the mic. please the handling the catering for. everything is one you. know. just I mean it we call that anti-comedy. anti- anti yeah yeah you know and you. know we edit the show you could say. anything this could have been so fun you.

could say anything that was the most. Anti this bit of I don't know it wasn't. even I know you know what's funny I'm. just basically explaining Scientology. that's all I know so what is it I don't. know if about I don't know uh [ __ ] I. don't know I don't know if about cults I. think oh. okay no this bit does scare you funny. for some reason it does it this bit will. be taken out of context and they'll be. like they really are in a cult you. literally never said anything bad I know.

it's obviously a joke no no but it's. funny how they do how someone on the. internet will be like were they really. joking were they really joking about. this white meeting and you know what. you'll never know you'll never know yeah. that's insane we don't have. [Laughter]. one I'll tell you this I mean the bit. was going so good yeah mcon squished it. I know you got yeah yeah it was going so. good Christmas mood I'm not in a cult. mood all we'll get to Christmas. Christmas is a cult first of all. Christmas is a cult this is the most C.

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hours after issuance for additional. terms on responsible gaming resources. say dk. cbball every holiday is culty you get. together you Chant by the way what do we. do at Christmas what do the whites do we. sing songs together have you car cult. absolutely not man I've Shea but I've. never. Carol oh yeah yeah we'll be right. back yeah no I've never caroled because. I can't sing I'm not a singer you no. you're a very good singer dude cut it. out oh my god dude on the road cut it.

out will you dude you're great honestly. stop. it do. that no you know what though I do my dad. does make a sing like the like a like a. like a real yeah JV makes us like a real. white family we sing together I love. that man there's a funny clip man I wish. I could show you he loves you dude he. loves you he was like how was. Thanksgiving I said great he goes did. Bobby come by I said no he was going to. Michael Ba's house at the time you were. you didn't end up going no um so you.

know he missed Michael Bay's. Thanksgiving they blow up the. turkey they do yeah it's incredible it's. incredible yeah but um he uses film. still um it really does I went to Palm. Springs yeah you want a little a little. journey I took a date a girl a date out. Palm Springs and can I tell you when you. said that the jealousy in my soul cuz I. haven't been in a while and Palm Springs. in the in the winter yeah. yeah my favorite it's we were mastros oh.

out in the uh oh yeah it. was. packed really I could not believe how. packed it was I mean it's beautiful out. there they do all the lights and the. decorating I mean you're talking about. the I had to wait an hour and I had. reservations it was like we we're sorry. we just wait a minute yeah did you do. the what it's me you did the it's me. it's Bobby and they still let you they. did okay for com was yeah I yeah you. know they let him in yeah but you went.

out there on a little journey yeah and. then I drove back um I should have maybe. gone to I don't know but anyway um I. would have wish you came over cuz cuz I. was talking um um with my friend I go. The Last Christmas I was in Chicago I. mean the last Thanksgiving at my house. was that at your house yeah what a great. [ __ ] we had so much fun I'll always. remember that everybody my mom and dad. just I mean every everyone loves you but. what' you do for Thanksgiving we just. had a small dinner with the family yeah. the family but not including us so not. the family well I was a part of the. family at one point you've been removed.

you're always invited you're the one. that doesn't want to go that's not true. that's not true true and you know what. honestly you're projecting you don't. want him to go so you say to atie kila. you say what if we don't invite Tito. Bobby this year no that's what I heard. okay let me give you an example okay go. okay if Darth Vader and the emperor. right and Boba Fett and all had right no. that's not the that's not the right no I.

know I got it right here okay let's say. I'm Luke Skywalker I'm going to do a. Star Wars right and I was going to go. tattooing to go to Thanksgiving right. but you guys invited Darth. Vader would would Luke Sky W thanks why. would you invite Darth Vader he's just. there and what's he doing there it's his. dad he's making up yeah yeah oh. interesting that's a bad. example like any of that given that. detail yeah uh yeah I mean you. understand why you're always invited.

that's a I don't like that phrase. because what does that mean yeah what do. people think no one invited me by the. way yeah so I have to assume that I'm. invited well did you want to go. yeah so no one invited me K invited no. she didn't yeah so you know I want you. to live you have to assume like I think. I'm going to show up because I'm I I. assume I'm invited cuz I'm always. invited right but that's not the case. that's not the case because Bobby. doesn't want to he doesn't want to go be. intrusive right he doesn't want to be. where he's not welcome he feels. unwelcome I guess but no one everyone.

like talks they don't talk bad about you. they're always like that sounds like. they do that sounds like they do that's. like the worst thing you could ever say. it's like the worst thing you could say. oh my God hey ask me watch this ask me. right now go uh they don't did they talk. about me over there go ahead hey did. they talk to me about me over there no. no no no nobody does what right you. don't believe it I don't believe that. you know right away talking about yeah. no I'm telling the truth look did they. talk bad about Bobby at the party no.

they don't Don't Close Your Eyes do it. with your eyes open they. don't pretty good that's pretty good. yeah I believe it actually they don't. yeah I had I had to take so you and your. new the the my old family is having a. Thanksgiving yeah that's great who else. showed up the mom Meritus yeah everyone. showed up good Roger yeah yeah everyone. showed up I remember I used to go every. every year you remember that. yeah you do you do huh yeah you don't. think about that dude be honest with me. while you were driving back from Palm.

Spring yeah did you think about maybe. popping in there and surprising no I. don't even know where it is that's even. more hurtful it's very hurtful you know. where's the address you know I don't. know whose house it's at because if you. don't get invited you have no idea where. the [ __ ] location is right it could. be a number of places that is true cuz. we had Thanksgiving but we didn't do it. at my house we did it at bua to beo so. you never know you never know where it's. going to happen but when I was driving. back from pal spring I was thinking to. myself wow I should just drive off this. fre away because I'm so lonely I'm so. lonely I wanted you at my house and I am.

so lonely and so alone I have nobody I. literally have nobody I know you have. you but it's like you know I don't want. to rely on you know so it's like um I. want you to want me I know I know I want. you to want me I know but I um it was so. miserable I actually held out I feel so. alone we kept a chair we kept a chair. for you at the dinner table do you know. this we kept a chair at the table in the. hopes that you would show up because I. even said oh my God I said I have nobody. you have me I'm alone I'm truly alone no.

you're not I really am why do you say. that because I am but but I wake up and. I go oh no one's [ __ ] here okay okay. first of all first of all let's be real. though yeah not someone being in your. home is different than you having a. wealth of people that are deeply in love. with you on many. levels I don't know man I can tell you. that's a fact I mean last night I was. like sitting there with Ian bag just. talking you love Ian bag I do too it's. like one of the funniest dudes in comic. yeah and I was like he's like are you. okay I go I'm So Alone where were you at.

store improv well that'll make you feel. lonely that place yeah yeah no no I I I. get it but by the way comedy clubs are. the worst place for our egos why because. it's like a it's it's a it's a test it's. a test your it's a test of your skill. and your self assurance and your. self-awareness and all that [ __ ] standup. clubs are hard on your ego whether we. know it or not what do you mean hard on. our egos because that you're you're. constantly in you should know of all. people you are constantly in conflict.

with yourself over being good enough and. funny enough and yeah it's also um. that's a hard place to do to be keeps. you honest keeps you honest yeah it keep. well it keeps you it also keeps you very. introspective yeah because you know how. you and I did a show Friday night it was. packed in the main room slammed but but. you weren't on the lineup last night in. the main room I didn't it was just me. yeah it was dead really yeah it was. Satur night they had to put both. curtains up no yeah so I was back there. and I'm like you know the only kind of. name except for yamika was in town so.

she did it but I was just like oh I I. can't I'm I'm I don't draw anymore I'm. going to that's not true I know it's not. but in my mind I'm like people are like. dude it's the holid it's the holiday. weekend I know but it's like and then. when you're already in a state of. depression it just kind of piles on you. start thinking negatively it spirals it. spirals so I'm like been spiraling well. I thought in the the this morning in the. shower cuz we talked last week you asked. me about my depression and I want to. give you some credit you you guys. listened and I got out what I needed to.

get out and it made me feel really good. but I want you to be honest then go. ahead about your depression where you go. when you get. low cuz I didn't ask you back you kind. of let me just mouth vomit no it's fine. um what do you mean where do I go well. you as inside myself you said where do I. go when I get really depressed and I. told you where I think I disappear to. where' you go I told you last week I. think I I I just I get in place of. isolation I I don't want to talk to. people I need to be left alone and I.

need to either exercise or go away like. when you drive back from Palm Springs. and you were sad where where where are. you I start fantasizing about like um. where I could like ending it all not my. life like where you but I would end this. whole pursuit of comedy and this dream. right and then I would like sell all my. assets retire so retire you grab all my. and go to the you know like a town that. no one knows me where is. this what does it look like I've always.

thought about like taking like having. like a bunch of like an offish bow a. bunch of like trailer. parks what like trailer parks like paper. yeah Trail putting my hand and I go oh I. guess I'm going to live in like Shri. Port Louisiana for how long a year for. my rest of my life no no no you got to. keep doing the keep dipping in the fish. maybe every year but I would get go into. a trailer park and just disappear wow. yeah trailer park Bobby yeah and then um. I would look strange too what you what. would you look bell bottoms every day.

yeah yeah even in Louisiana yeah I look. like. elura way love El karacha I would do El. karach karacha with I would bring a um. wife beater what are you wearing up top. a wife beater but also I want but also I. want definitely like one of those El. maiai guitar yeah on my shoulder right. bell bottoms a lot of like his like you. know I would go to his style too who. Mone no um fancy oh what shitty shirts. yeah like t-shirts with like you know I. mean bread of people doing.

dancing you know what I mean and then I. would probably wear um and this is. probably not appropriate but something. with feathers how is that not. appropriate what do you not allow to. like feathers you know people say it's. cultural appropriation or whatever how I. would have you know what I would do that. but with three feathers and a gigantic. blood diamond on my forehead love you. know what I mean like not a polished one. no just a raw blood diamond right and. then it was like maybe blood from like a. revolutionary you know on it or or or.

Smuggler shout out smug South Africa. yeah yeah just dried on there you know. what I mean I would probably wear the. football paint oh like war paint no not. war PT football paint or just you know. sometimes they just put black yeah do. you know what that's. for why that's actually interesting I'm. surprised that football players are the. only ones that wear that yeah why aren't. soccer players could wear it too yeah I. would do that reflection of the light. light of the sun it helps that's right. helps keep it out of your make my eyes. wider let me see if I will that cuz the. sun's.

not that's so funny blood blood diamond. you imagine all it takes all it takes. for Asians to have bigger eyes to just. put on that black under the their whoa. they can use an extra fine Sharpie okay. okay there he is here yeah yeah he only. waits he only waits for the jokes that. he knows he can tell yeah that's right. right if we ask him to do the joke he. can't think of it that's right right but. if if one Pops in say even if it's going. to piss me off has to say it because he. knows that it it's kind of good kind of. good yeah so let's let's get back on a.

happy track then yeah is there something. you're excited for at the end of the. year or the beginning of next year no. really you what there's nothing brewing. for you no nothing well I'm excited. about I've lost 10 pounds so I'm going. to I'm think I'm I'm excited about um. awesome I watched the original Christmas. episode like a few days ago it's wild. how much smaller you look that's like. you do look smaller every everyone has. commented literally and then but when I. get another 10 15 pounds I'm going to.

then go to the gym do my thing have you. can you does your penis look. better no I'm serious when you lose some. weight sometimes your dick looks better. it's most of the weight's from that oh. my God yeah your dick lost 10 5B wow it. was definitely 5 PB a dick so let's get. you fat again what talking about dude. that's a bad idea um it's so funny I. went to the spa the other day and I saw. a couple of really big dudes with like. little micro dick love they look like. buttons you mean big as in fat or strong. no they're just a button no no their.

body were they fat or strong oh fat oh. well Fat's different they're huge right. but they have a little Benjamin butt in. there that's why they got so fat yeah. you have a tiny penis you're going to. eat your sadness away I I wonder why how. that happens they have big hands yeah. but they probably got fat because of. their small dick I just said they got. sad they saw that little pecker and they. thought never going to use this I might. as well just eat away my feelings wow I. like seeing a buff guy at the gym with a. small little penis I love why cuz he's. like [ __ ] I'm jacked and you're like. nah but that's why he's buff know but.

over compens that's why regular guys. like us have regular dicks it's great. yeah we didn't we didn't win we didn't. lose it's fine yeah it's fine you know. what you know what our [ __ ] are vanilla. bean ice cream exactly French vanilla be. it's good it's fine yeah yeah it's not. the one that everybody wants but it's. fine yeah you know and yours has a. little bit of mango in it you got a. couple slices Li Li Li fruit yeah yeah. it is funny by the way I just at the spa. today I went in the hot tub and you know. you go naked in the Men's Spa so you I'm.

naked in the hot tub and a guy came out. of the uh came out of the sauna and. didn't know someone was in there cuz I'm. sure he went in and no one was on that. section he was kind of quiet today and. he came out and he like saw me and. panicked and grabbed one of the towels. to cover up his little penis and then I. had to pretend like I didn't see his. little penis yeah cuz you stood right. there and I and I kind of like are you. naked looked the other way yeah you have. to be yeah that so when I at the I took. Jules to the not Jules Jesse to the. whispa oh yeah we went to whispa.

together how was that it was so fun yeah. yeah she was a little scared yeah it's. you it's foreign yeah but when I always. notic literally yeah I always noticed. though there's like white dudes. completely wearing like basketball. shorts in the steam room and then the. Koreans and the blacks were like. completely naked right yeah but there's. always why why is that uh White at the. white meeting you guys talk that the. white meeting we do yeah yeah well and. this is going to offend you but we wear.

shorts cuz we don't want to sit on the. same ground as you we need some sort of. clo. separation yeah oh it's oh because you. know what the thing is when I go to the. seam room I put a towel down and I sit. on that that's not enough protection not. for. us maybe it's psychological yeah it's. mainly psychologic well it's like you. know when you put down you know when put. down people put down those things on the. toilet you know that's not doing. anything yeah but we need the. reassurance um can we create a company. that makes those but make them like.

thicker the toilet seat covers yes okay. I think it's a can we not have a [ __ ]. there's got to be a substitute for that. but can you but it has to be be able to. throw away so how can it decomp because. the thing is is that when you cuz I sat. at the I was at the airport when we're. coming back and um I was pooping yeah. emergency poo and somebody had peed on. the [ __ ] seat seat gross so you have. to put nine layers of those things to. absorb the PE so that it doesn't get on. your what if we just travel with one of. those I know by the way it's a it's a.

neck pillow it's a neck pillow and wow. yeah that's interesting but there's. still pee on the. [ __ ] what do you call it the seed. yeah so you got to clean that you have a. p side and a butt side and you always. have the P side down you just always. know which side is it's by color right I. don't know the P side will be yellow and. that's a little too thick to walk around. with you think so but we'll have a carry. all we'll have a bag that's specifically. designed for that looks cool see you. don't see women don't have that CU you. know women sit down and they pee right I.

don't no she stands up I know what she. lifts one leg up like a dog no she. hovers I step on the seat and then I. squat why cuz I don't gross wait a. minute you really you don't stand on the. seat you just hover no you physically. stand he put two feet under like a. [ __ ]. monkey wait you put your feet on the. toilet seat that's insan like a spider. monkey dude why don't you just hover. it's hard because I know a lot of women. that hover hovering is a very normal.

they hold the walls yeah but what but. what I'm saying is that if everyone just. sat you're not going to get pee on the. seat correct we have pee on the seat. because people stand and pee on the seat. seat that's true well how about this how. about this uh uh why is it you know like. the the women do the hovering technique. you know like this this is like a. constant thing I I I like what you're. thinking what what what I I just know. it's going to be something. enlightening it's going to be great I.

love it tell me why aren't women's. toilets higher off the ground then uh. that wasn't what I. no why do they have to hover and Crouch. why can't they just why don't they make. a mechanism that like goes up to them so. they can just stand yeah why don't they. do that why do they have to hover over. or this one oh oh so your stand and it's. kind of like a thing that goes over here. yes and you're just like. right you hit a button and it just CS. yeah yeah right why don't they do that.

and they and you can walk so now you're. in why don't they do that with us we. don't need that cuz we we like to stand. in pee it's like a nature it's like a. it's like a male nature no I mean for. pooing oh I don't well extra tall toilet. see this is what I'm talking about get. can you can you poo like that no you. can't poo like this I'm doing yeah I've. done that you pooed straight up oh yeah. Steph is a. board it must be messy that's how we end. the meetings oh oh tell you it's your. exit no but when I've camped when I've. gone camping you lean against a rock and.

poop you never done that no have you. pooped in the. ocean and God knows I know you have I. know you super hard I know you've pooped. in the ocean yeah yeah it's so gross. it's so awesome it's actually awesome. now I've never pooped in the ocean but. every time I pee in the ocean I also. stand up above water level so I'm not. peeing. underwater why cuz I don't want anything. swimming inside my pap. speak speaking of the ocean that's a. real thing that's a real fear something.

and by the way oh this is what I was. going to say too looked up the statistic. to this catching something like from a. toilet seat like from sitting on it is. literally impossible you'd have to have. open wounds on your legs and they'd have. to be fresh bacteria on the seat to. catch anything from the toilet oh you. can catch. poo and I don't want poo I'm sorry you. can C catch poo and pee and I don't want. that yeah but you just wipe it off it on. your off of my butt cheek I don't want. poo on my butt cheek before I sit down.

yeah yeah and by the way who's pooping. on the toilet seat I've seen it this one. that's hovering yeah yeah I've seen it a. hover [ __ ] yeah yeah no but when I get. in the bathroom I take toilet paper I. wipe the seat anyway it's still dirty. how how dirty yeah. yeah how Dirt no seriously how dirty no. one is pooping the only thing that's. getting on there is other people's butts. that's it that's it no one is lifting up. and pooping on the seat it's it doesn't. happen it will not happen it cannot. happen I've I swear to God I've seen poo. on the seat before then maybe it's at.

where a place where young kids are and. they're [ __ ] they're little shitty. gross but most of the time in in an. adult atmosphere there's nothing on the. seat maybe a little bit of piss a little. bit of piss by the way if you peed in a. toilet with the with shorts on you feel. it on your legs yeah you pee in a Ural. you feel it all over your legs I just. think that the god should have made it. different are body's different well. where would you where would you put it I. put the butth hole in the bottom of my. foot you've said before and I great idea. and where do you pee from your fingers. yeah yeah you can get it you can get you.

can get it away from you you could. shouldn't pee at the same like you know. what I mean yeah yeah yeah just your. yeah dude imagine this would be great. yeah that's why if someone's pissing you. but then You' sit down and you have to. wipe like this though that's not bad. yeah that's not bad yeah yeah yeah yeah. no or you do or we just create a. mechanism you know like at a bar you. know how they you flip a glass upside. down and they have a washer water sprays. up have that for your foot that's. [ __ ] great foot wash that's great. don't have to wipe ever again unless. somebody has a foot fetish that'd be. weird maybe not really no well yeah that.

would be weird well how it. gaze foot foot [ __ ] you foot [ __ ]. that's a new look at these foot [ __ ]. over. there look at that foot [ __ ] there. dude [ __ ] I'm not going near those foot. [ __ ] kidding me yeah yeah well a foot. would you [ __ ] the foot I would yeah. yeah I would [ __ ] I love you know I like. feet yeah I love a good foot something. about it on the internet when you see a.

good foot you're like that's sexy a shoe. salesman for a women's department has to. be a girl then probably otherwise you're. a perve yeah just grabbing the foot you. know what I mean taking the sock off. what's the same thing with what's the. same thing with um gynecologist and I. found out that like there's male. gynecologists you're like what yeah you. would never you've never had a male. doctor that no wouldn't you be so. uncomfortable yeah but I think is a man. I think interesting interesting. interesting interesting interesting wait. it is her her gynecologist fewer than. half practicing uh OBG are men fewer.

than half still too many still too many. I love when people like kids would be. like I want to be a guy of colge it's. like really yeah it' be take away all. the fun not just that it's like you know. you have you have to [ __ ] like Judy. Dench. vagina right yeah but it's a Dame I know. but you know what I mean like it's like. do you I mean I do a variety of. different there's too many yeah and you. get to see the worst the best and and. the worst yeah yeah you don't want to. see it all the time it's like when you. work at McDonald's you loose lose the. taste of the food you don't want to work.

in the firework Factory you just want to. buy them yeah interesting yeah yeah boy. do I like buying them I love buying them. yeah I want to say this for Christmas. this year I want one thing from you okay. happiness next year I want you to be. happy next year and I'm going to work. tirelessly on making you happy I don't. know how I'm going to do it but I'm. going to do it I'm going to find a way. I'm going to find a way I promise I will. find a way where there's a will there is. a way no no yes yes look at.

me I'm gonna find a way I promise thank. you what do you want for Christmas. Jules you're in luck we got a gift for. you what bring out the gifts yeah I want. the gifts yeah we definitely want the. gifts oh wow look at this WOW don't open. them all at once [ __ ] you tell me what. to do okay he says this if this is not. worth a lot but I'm going to love it. no he it was priceless priceless whoa I.

I'll give you my genuine response all. right hold on one second who want starts. uh well let fancy start get his out of. the way no no no fany is last okay all. right Bob you go first I go first okay. no stop jules's go first yeah I should. go this way yeah. okay ski one. ski Jules is kind of a throwback what is. it oh katana. wo wo it's plastic no it's real it's the.

$500 million one yeah wo that is so dope. that's so cool thank you m This is So Co. So Dope D wow wow I'm actually impressed. that's a pretty cool one that's cool. thank you oh dude be careful with this. that's not a real yeah it's a knife it's. not steel though put your hand out and. feel it let me see this hand right there. no no I don't want to do that just once. no no dude okay I no it's not it's wood. it's wood all right let me let me do.

mine oh I got some stuff for. cubby oh. wow salmon. skins oh for the dog for the dog oh for. the dog and it's a little Christmas. sweater yay thank you dude honestly. thank you and by the way you know who. else likes salmon skins. Rudy my little Salmon skin girl can you. really eat this you can go ahead no it's. wor the dogs what do you mean it's just. say I don't want her to eat it dude I. want her to eat it all right mine mine. mine mine mine mine mine mine yours.

yours. yours let's see it oh I know what this. is you're so crazy you have a best of. Bobby Lee I made that you made this yeah. no way no way that's cool how'd you find. these on YouTube I had to yeah I scrub. through a bunch of YouTube a bunch of. red and I downloaded as much as I could. and I cut together like a 73 minute. compil. wow wow dude and I burned it on a. Blu-Ray so you could play that on any of. your uh gaming devices that has a disc.

reader I do yeah I can read I see yeah. do you know what's incredible about this. what the effort he put into your gift. versus literally anybody else yeah he. went to. Petco for you Petco yeah yeah Target my. guy Target yeah my guy give me that let. me see it that is incredible incredible. wow craft and and heart I will say based. on the first season DVD release on Matt. TV American Comedy icon Bobby Lee. finally gets the home media release he.

deserves see all his greatest sketches. at least all the ones I could find on. the internet for some reason this. [ __ ] show isn't streaming anywhere a. collection so funny it will have your. whole family shouting uhoh hot dog Merry. Christmas 2024 from Mone it's a real. Blu-ray should work on any gaming device. with a disc slot or a Blu-ray player run. time is 73 minutes wow 73 minutes uh-huh. that's how much footage is out there I. mean there's even more that I cut out.

like if you were like the lead of a. sketch I cut. it wow dude that's incredible dude it's. an extremely thoughtful gift it really. is I got nothing you got and and and I I. pay you I pay you I give you you're hard. to you're so hard it's so I'm insulted. for you dude you built this yeah you. buil you could have built me something. that is a beautiful gift it's incredible. all right fancy open up your [ __ ] gift. and so I want fancy to be able to. appreciate some real Cinema so I also.

got fancy a best of Bobby that is which. is what I've always wanted that is what. if I don't have enough of Bobby so you. burned it twice no I actually just made. the cover twice there's not a real one. in there couldn't afford a second disc. no that's actually an SNL the best of. Chris Farley disc which is way better. thank you okay you're a piece of [ __ ]. that's mean take it back. right true it's true it's true is it is.

it real good thank. you is it true it's true how anyway um. thank you m thank you mer Christmas. Merry Christmas M thank you so much that. was nice um my dog will love this we'll. give you a we gave you a career so happy. Merry Christmas um before we go I want. to recommend something to our listeners. please um so I've been you know You'. ever heard of Sirius the podcast. no anyway um yeah you have serious I. don't know it no it's called serious or.

cal cal oh yeah not. serious are you serious no no seral the. podcast yeah Cal there's a new one. called um the good whale the good whale. yeah and it's um I tried to bring up the. last podcast I said I I brought up Ko. mhm right but um then we didn't Riff on. it but um it really is um an. enlightening little podcast what is it. about. so have you ever seen free Willie the. movie yeah yeah you did yeah of course.

so when they they they found a whale to. play Willie yeah it was this whale in. Mexico hard to cast yeah it was a. Mexican whale yeah I Want to Be Free. Willie yeah yeah you would think if they. got a whale to jump it would have been a. black whale right but um so then when. when um the movie comes out it becomes a. hit and all the kids are like where is. this whale and they're like it's in this. tiny little pool it it's maln. malnutrition malnourish yeah kind of I.

mean I you know I don't know what the. conditions were they weren't gross I. mean they weren't the best it's awful. right so they so the play pretty much. every everyone on the planet that had. something to do with whales um they go. we we want to try to free him but he's. been in captivity since he was a k baby. this is real free Willie yeah yeah so. they ship the they build a completely. big facility in. Oregon this high-tech facility yeah so. they build his muscles and they try to.

train him in terms of how to catch fish. how to dive you know what I mean all. that stuff and then after a couple years. they bring him to Ice uh Iceland where. they found the baby to release him but. they put him in a little Bay first and. it's this Voyage out into the real sea. and wow and you well you don't see it. you hear it it's a it's five episodes I. listen to all of it and it's really just. you know it melts your heart beautiful. yeah did it live cuz a lot of. [Laughter].

times I mean I don't I don't know if we. should give that away well we did it's. great that's what makes me so mad about. this document and that's why I want. people to listen to it so when people go. what the [ __ ] I don't go [ __ ] you too I. saw to you I mean that's on you you me. Instinct was that didn't live because. when they re acclimate he came close. though no really no what can I just tell. since we just gave it away was he killed. by another killer wh know what happened. was it's so sad because it's. like all these you know all his trainers.

and all the people that work for this. organization they got they got to a. point where they cuz he was so rying on. humans right that even if he saw a boat. he would just come up to the boat and. and say hi so that what all these people. would they would have to hide so all of. a sudden now koo's alone oh and he. doesn't know what to do so they open up. the bay and then they see you know. sometimes these killer waves have these. parties. I've been to one I know in the white. yeah yeah yeah yeah but they're half.

black too we're okay with that all right. depends on so they have these parties. and like Koo would watch from a distance. like he's in the ocean and they're all. communicating having fun and koo's just. like I don't know what to do right so. when day Koo just because they're all. the his trainers are hiding he just. started going into the ocean by himself. traveling thousands of miles oh by. himself you know what I mean and then. one day in Norway this little kid and. his Norwegian family were on their boat.

and Koo pops his head up he traveled. thousands of miles W and they're like. whoa this killer whale is so nice and he. would just follow them around cuz he. just you know what I mean so lonely and. then um and at nights the family could. hear Koo. outside yeah yeah like where are you you. know what I mean I know it's so. sad right and then um he. dies he dies he dies he dies it's so sad.

it's so sad but that's the circle of. life it's not not that's not the circle. of life you don't take here's what it is. it shouldn't have done in the first. killer whales right they they're so. attached to their mothers in fact right. killer whale mothers right even when the. when their son is fully grown they'll. rip up a piece of fish and then leave. some for the kid that's how attached. they are right right and it's like and. they're they're called pods that's your. family and they know each other for all. their lives right and they have their.

own language they know how to. communicate Koo doesn't know any of that. [ __ ] so of course Koo wasn't going to. survive based on all that I mean this is. like ripping away their core instincts. and yeah it's like you should not I mean. that SeaWorld should not exist any of. these things should not exist I agree. yeah do you do what about zoos I think. zoos are [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] it's. ashaa it's for Animals 100% you know. what I mean 100% what are you laughing. at I like you know you know you seem. like a guy that captures them I like the. alliteration of aitz for Animals it. sounds okay D anyway it's whenever you.

see these animals it's just like they. just they don't know what's going on. well it's also I don't care how like. kept the zoo is it's always it's always. awful it's always looks like [ __ ] they. look like they're bummed that's why. there's all there's always sorts of like. wild [ __ ] that happens at a zoo because. they just don't want to be there they. don't want to [ __ ] live like they. know in their gut they're not supposed. to be there and they look sad every. [ __ ] time you go it's the worst but. also when they so when they brought KO. to the new um um tank that they built in. Oregon they built half of the tank with.

a seethrough and reporters and people. from the town would visit and K would. always come by and just sit there and. just say hi to these humans like you. know what I mean and play with them she. raised by humans yeah he she just loved. humans and all of a sudden we're like. nah you know what I mean it's like it's. it's insane he doesn't is a guy or a. girl KO it's a boy really M up his name. wait what make change his name Koo that. was probably why he didn't make it.

anyway I mean Merry Christmas to. everybody Merry Christmas to almost. everybody yeah thank you for being. everybody thank you for being a bad. friend don't go koo on us honestly can I. tell you something if you're going to. land a joke to close the show it's got. to be seamless I mean she said don't. four times have you gotten worse at. speaking English don't don't it's almost. like since you became a citizen you're. shittier at getting it out Jules wish. everyone uh happy Christmas go ahead. Merry Christmas and thank you for being. a bad friend God bless we end with that.

Christmas song yeah yeah yeah so this is. our bad friend's Christmas song that we. wrote uh together we did yeah you. remember this oh. yeah Christmas here you are. here come on you know it be with your. family don't have tears Christmas. Christmas. Christmas black friends Mexican friends. all around the.

fireplace Christmas. Christmas and the little ones we called. children and the. dwarves Christmas Christmas Christmas. Jolly candy candy. corn JS your. verse. eggnog and cinnamon crunch. together yeah Christmas.

Christmas oh what a wonderful. Christmas yeah yeah Christmas. Christmas couple more. lines I love. everyone Christmas Christmas. Christmas go. yeah um jingle Christmas Christmas. Christmas dude imagine if you walked. into a lounge you heard this this was a. lounge act.

Christmas you would just leave imagine. being depressed on Christmas and walking. into Christmas. Christmas thank you for being a bad. friend that's so funny Christmas. Christmas woo. [Music]. woo. yeah woo.

[Music].