Dead Dads w/ Harland Williams | Ep 285 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends. >> Who are these two idiots? >> A white dude and an Asian dude. You two. are disgusting. >> Well, you two are something. >> We're bad friends. >> I'm going to get Botox. >> Don't. Please don't get. >> Yeah, I'm getting Botox. I I have to. >> Why? >> Cuz I look old now. It's catching up. >> And time out. I know exactly where this. started. Where. >> do you guys know where this started? >> Mone was with me. >> Yeah, >> I know where it started. >> That photo you posted. >> I posted a photo on my story. >> That angle. Never again, dude. Brother, it looks like you.

>> Dude, I look like a shrinking frog. >> You are. >> No, I'm not. I I It doesn't It was not. good. >> I thought. >> the bags, the liver spots. I got to get. Botox. >> You don't have liver spots. >> I do. Look at on the sides. >> Those are freckles, dude. >> Oh, they're gigantic freckles. Samoan. freckles. That's what I have on my face. >> Yeah. Samoa freckle. >> Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I'm That's what I'm. going to look like. >> Yeah. The oil oil London, right? >> Yeah. I mean, I don't think people would. notice if I got Botox. >> I think they would. >> Should I? Okay. Do AI Bobby with Bobby.

Lee with Botox. Can we see that? >> But if I get Botox, new rule, you can't. make fun of me. >> Uh, >> you can't make fun of me, dude. >> Old rule. Yes, I can. >> Okay. >> Old rule. >> But no, of I won't make fun of you if if. if you First of all, you're not going to. get Botox. >> I am. >> No, you're not. >> Where would you get it? >> Korea. >> No, I'm saying where on your face. >> Oh my god. My eyes. Like the puffiness. on the sides here. The lips a little. bit. >> Don't you want Don't you just want to. age gracefully? Don't you just want to. age gracefully because you're doing a.

great job. Everybody thinks you're 40. No one knows you're about to turn 54. years old. Nobody knows that except for. everybody that's listening to the show. right now. >> I know. But you know what happens to. Asians, right? >> What? >> The old rule. >> What's the old rule? >> One night. >> One night. >> Long ago. >> Wrong ago. >> I went to sleep. >> What happened? >> I woke up as Yoda. >> Oh, you think you're going to turn into. >> I'm going to turn to Yoda one day. Okay, then if you get it, we're all getting. it. That's it.

>> No, here's the thing. Okay, >> cuz Richie needs it, too. Look at his. face. >> Yeah, but he's still 22. 23. >> How old? >> 24. Just turn, right? That's right. We. asked you. >> But think about it in give it some good. perspective. Yoda was so wise. Everybody. went to him for advice. >> Yeah, but I don't know [ __ ]. >> I don't know anything. Ask me something. Ask me uh uh you know. >> how many floors is the Empire State. Building? >> I don't know. >> Well, neither do I. >> Oh, all right. How about this? Give me a. capital of or a city in a state and I I. think I'm going to give you the state. >> Easy. Okay. Go. >> Oh, country or you want here?

>> A city in a state and I'll tell you what. the state is. >> Okay. What is What is the capital of. >> No, not the capital. Just give me a. city. >> Wait, what? Give you any city. Yeah. >> Albany. >> Albany, New Mexico. >> Yeah, it's new. >> Yeah. >> New York. >> Albany, New York. That was a tough one. >> Really? >> Yeah. Yeah. Give me another one. Give me. another one. Uh uh Springfield, >> Ohio. >> Well, there is there is one there for. sure. There's one in every state. >> Okay. Well, that's a trick one. >> Okay. Uh uh how about this? Uh.

Sacramento, >> California. Come on. >> Okay. >> Lbec, >> Texas. >> Very good. >> Um. uh Zizzix. >> Izzix. >> Zizzix. >> London. England. >> No, that's here. >> Izzix. >> What's it? It's XXYXX. Zizzix. It's in. >> Oh, that's a good one. >> You've seen it. It's in the desert. I. saw it in the desert once. >> Zizzix. >> Zizzix. But that's a road, not a city. >> I think it's a city. >> Yeah, it's a city. >> It's a city. Zizzix, formerly Soda. Springs, is an unincorporated town in. San Bernardino County. By the way, I.

heard it was a developmental town for. like a rehab clinic and it never took. off. >> Funang. >> Uh, that's got to be China. >> I made it up. >> Funang. >> Yeah, it can be anyone. >> Sounds like a Chinese town. >> That was my nickname. >> Welcome to Funang. That your That was. your nickname in high school. Funang. >> Um, all right. Well, I I know some. >> Look, you know a lot of things. >> All right. Give me a random thing that. maybe I you might not think that I know. >> Uh, how about um how about like uh give. me the name of the of the first album. released.

>> Oh my god, it's panic already. >> You know music so well. >> Yeah, I don't know. >> Give me the first album released by. >> I'm trying to think of some something. easy. What? >> Talking heads. >> Talking Heads. >> Talking Heads 1977. >> Perfect. See, you know a lot of stuff. I. mean, you have to lead me to it, but. >> we'll get there. I I uh. >> How about How about uh. >> what Metallica's first album? >> Oh, that's good. I don't I don't know. what What is it? >> Kill Them All, I think. >> Was that the first album? >> Kill Them All. >> Ron McGovern 82 Garage Demo. Kill Them.

All. Full album. >> Yeah. Thank you. >> Got it. >> Thank Lord. Yeah. Yeah. >> You know a lot of stuff, dude. You. >> did you know anything, Richie? Did you. know any of those? >> No, I didn't know anything. >> I know what you'll know. >> What was first album? Look at your face. Come on. >> You know, [Music]. >> losing your religion. Yeah. was in here. Yeah. Yeah. That's the one. >> That's the one. Yeah. That's not the. first album. >> That's not the first. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Richie, are you wearing a sweater? >> I am wearing a sweater. >> It's like 94 outside. >> But doesn't he look like a college rock. band basist? >> He looks like a guy who's tinkering away.

with microchips in a basement. >> Okay. >> And we don't know if he's on our team or. against us yet. >> I think he looked like Mike Mills from. the. >> By the way, Richie looks like every guy. from a band in the 90s. >> Yeah. >> Every band. >> Oh, yeah. You kind of do look like him, dude. >> You're that type of white. >> Do you think I could rock those shades? >> No. No. >> No. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> No. You can't even rock the glasses. you're wearing right now. >> I'm actually allergic to them. >> To glasses? >> To these glasses? >> What do you mean you're allergic to. them? >> I just found out. So, I'm allergic to. metal now. So, it's like I And these.

were my backup. So, I broke my plastic. pair and then when I put these on now, like my ears all. >> Can we cut to commercial right now or. something? >> Wait a minute. You're allergic to metal. I've never heard of that in my life. >> Yeah. So, I I just found out this. myself, but. >> contacts. Use contacts. >> I don't have any contacts. >> Oh, you you can't afford them? No, I. just I didn't like how I put them in my. eye. It hurt. >> Oh. >> Oh, okay. >> Okay. So, people metal uh allergies are a type of. allergic contact dermatitis called. delayed hypersensitivity reaction. >> Wow. >> So, what happens? What's going to happen.

to you with these on? >> I don't know. I just got a bumpy ear and. I got to figure that out. >> Oh, buddy. You're a hypochondrian. >> Yeah. >> That the bump on your ear has nothing to. do with the glasses on your face. >> What's it from? >> Should you tell them or no? >> I didn't listening. It's from Funang. >> It was from Yeah. >> Little bit too much fun. You're going to. end up with bumps on your face. >> But I like a little fun. >> Careful, Richie. >> Richie. >> Okay. You're not We're not. >> When was the last time you had fun, Richie? >> Yeah. When's the last time you got some. fun tang? >> I like the fun. I. >> No. No. When's the time you had fun, Richie? >> When was the last time you had some fun? >> Funang like two or so weeks ago.

>> Was the definition of fun, Richie? >> Funang? It's a food. It's like those. noodles. >> Oh, okay. >> Well, it is a noodle. Yeah. For. >> Let me reward word it. Let me Can I. reword? Yeah. >> When's the last time you got some. action? >> Action? >> Yeah. >> When's the last time you got laid, Rich? >> Uh, like probably this month, but like. earlier in the month, like end of or. beginning of July, roughly. >> Oh, the beginning of July. One time. >> Yeah, just once. >> Yeah, >> we do our best. I have like. >> Who's we.

and your plan? >> Him and his penis. >> Yeah. >> Wait a minute. So, was this a one time? Was this Do you do one night stands or. you only. >> I do, but LA is weird. It's like I don't. like the one night stands and I feel. like people. >> lean more towards that but I'm more. against it. I'm in the search of. relationship but. >> people don't want a relationship. >> We're going to find you love. >> I'm going to find you love. >> Yeah. I I do think you deserve a really. good a good relationship. >> Oh, thank you. >> You know who loves one night stands is. Carlos is the king of one night stand. >> You can teach him a lot.

>> Are you not? >> Yeah, unfortunately. Yeah. >> Why is that unfortunate? You do you want. a relationship now? >> Yeah. It's just been years and years of. >> Are you a good kisser, Carlos? >> I think I'm good. Yeah, >> I got to be honest with you. >> Yeah. >> Great kisser. >> Really? >> Yeah. He's a great kisser. >> Kiss. >> Yeah, you guys. But you and I Yeah, but. we not open mouth. >> Yeah. >> A little bit. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. You guys have kissed. >> What I do is I don't go. >> tongue first. >> Well, when I don't do um bonsai style, you I don't do Pearl Harbor. >> Oh, right. >> I don't do sneak attacks with my.

>> No, I make the noise. [Music]. And then I. go back. >> Oh, you back off. >> I go I back off, right? I don't actually. hit Pearl Harbor, >> right? You You pull up. Pull up. Pull. up. >> I pull up. I'm that coward. Remember in. Godzilla uh minus one? >> The guy who couldn't do. >> I'm that guy. >> He just couldn't do it. >> No, he didn't do it. He bailed. >> I would have been that guy, too. >> Me, too. >> By the way, you're in a plane. You can't. catch me. I'm gone. >> I know. But you still. >> Where are you? >> I know. But in in um Godzilla minus one,

he had to land at an airfield. Yeah. >> And he's like, "Oh, my my plane's. broke." And he was like, "You're. probably not broke.". >> Perfect condition. >> It's a perfect condition. I mean, but I. think I would go pretty close and then. pull up. >> Well, and you would just say it's a it's. a mechanical error. I couldn't do it. >> A check button. >> A, >> right? >> But then you're out over the ocean. >> No. Then you swim to Hawaii and go, "I'm. Hawai.". >> Yeah, that's true. >> Right. Why can't they say they're. Hawaiian? They kind of look Hawaiian. >> Well, there's certainly a ton of.

>> There were Japanese people in Hawaii. Yeah. So you're you'd fit in. I guess. that makes perfect sense. You think. there's a story of a guy that's a movie. we need to write for Bobby. >> The one kamicazi who didn't do it. Yeah. >> And he ended up living in Hawaii. >> Like becoming the king of one of the. small little islands. >> There's no. >> And then. >> what? >> What? Yeah. >> There were no kings back then. >> It's a madeup movie. All right. >> You become a king of a little tiny. island and then some someone an ex an. ex-military after years later 30 years. down the road. >> Me? >> Yeah.

>> I I'm suspicious. I come to this little. island. I marry a Hawaiian and I'm like, >> "Who is this guy?". >> Mommy? >> Yeah. Who Who are you? >> Gilbert. >> You're King Gilbert, huh? >> King Gilbert the ninth. >> There's. >> generation generation of Gilbert. >> Well, there's a rumor that you bailed as. a kamicazi pilot. That's kind of being. spread around. >> Look at my hair. Carpal tunnel. Both. hands. >> Oh, you can't fly. >> I can't fly. >> Yeah, that makes perfect sense. All. right. Well, God bless you, King. Gilbert. >> And then cut to an hour later, I'm. jerking off for both hands. >> Well, and then you catch me. >> He can use his hands. >> Yeah,

>> dude. This is good. And then and then. you need my help and I need your help. >> Yeah. Like in Titanic for instance. Um I. think I would have gotten off that boat. pretty quickly. >> You'd be so dead. >> Well, I'd probably be bottom though. >> You and I. >> I You're upper deck. >> The Irish. No, dude. We were in the. basement. >> Bottom deck. >> The I think the Irish were were like the. Irish were held in the basement, right? >> Yeah. >> We were down low down low. >> I would cl I would climb over people. >> You know what's so funny to think about. that? I like when they say like there's. no there's no order in chaos. Like I.

would have killed so many people to to. to survive. >> What were the Asians doing down there. though? What were their jobs, do you. think? >> Probably scooping coal into the fire to. like make the make the boat engine. >> Hey Chan, we got a free trip. >> Where? Where too? >> I don't know where we're going in the. Arctic. But you know what? All we have. to do is put the coal in the in the. thing. >> and all of a sudden you're drowning. >> You're gone. >> They don't tell you the race. They just. tell you it's common folk. >> Yeah. Cuz they don't want to admit the. truth. They want you to still go to the. museum. That's why. >> that's why they still want you to watch. the movie.

>> Once you learn of the actual atrocities. that took place, then then it loses the. lore. >> It loses some of like the the the. sparkliness. They're like, "Well, it was. a bunch of minorities in the basement.". They're like, "Don't worry about that. Don't worry about any of that.". >> Wow. >> I want to go. Isn't there a Isn't there. like a huge Titanic museum somewhere and. you can go visit like a perfect replica. of the. >> Yeah, it's in the ocean, though. >> No. No. The. >> I've gone to the real one. >> You went down there? >> I went down there to Yeah. That sound. still haunts me when those people went. down. >> The Richie, you're laughing. >> It's kind of funny.

>> You are just like fancy. He's sick like. fancy. >> Yeah. Where is that? Let's go to that. Branson, Missouri, dude. >> Yeah. Yakovone will be near Branson, Missouri. We have to go there. >> I want to go to that and Noah's Arc. >> They rebuilt that one. >> I want to see Noah's. Yeah. >> You believe that? They got one of every. animal. >> I do believe it. I'm not a naysayer. >> Kentucky. >> Yeah. You gota cram it in there, though. >> I don't know. You know what's so funny, though? When you listen to the song, >> two alligators and long neck geese, some. humpty back camels. >> There's no way there's a song.

>> Chimpanzees. >> There's a scene. >> Cats and rats and elephants and birds. galore. >> Oh, yeah. >> You don't know that song? >> Yeah. >> No, I'm not making it up. Look, give me. the lyrics. >> There was an actual. >> two alligators and long neck geese, some. humpty back camels and some chimpanzees, some cats and rats and elephants and. birds galore. But you won't see no. dinosaur. That is the real song. Type in. some of those lyrics and you'll see. So. do do cats and rats and elephants and. birds galore. >> Well, dinosaurs really didn't exist.

>> You know what it was? >> What? >> The devil did it. >> You think so? See, he's buying into it. >> The devil. >> This is Korean church coming back in a. play. >> here. AI will find out the Noah's arc. >> The unicorn. Oh, you won't find no. unicorn. Is that what it is? >> There were green. Go up. There it is. There are green alligators and long. neckies. Some humpy back camels and some. chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and. elephants. And sure as you're born, the. loveliest of all was the unicorn. See? >> Good. >> Old Noah was there to answer the call. Finished making the ark just as it.

started rainfall. >> But where are the wombats in the song? >> Yeah. Where are those? >> I want to know all the all the animals. Wombats. >> Where's all these animals in the. Philippines? >> Red panda. Is a red panda in there? >> That's my dog. Yeah. >> Red panda for life. >> You don't believe the dinosaurs existed, huh? you. >> No, I really do believe that. Of course. I did. I was silly. Yeah. >> No, but apparently he thinks maybe they. got us. >> Maybe. But why would the devil do it? >> Can't have good without evil. >> But sadness is a real thing, too. >> You're not sad, though. You've been. happier than you've ever been. I've. noticed. >> No, the last two weeks has been the.

worst two weeks of my life. >> Okay. Well, let's This is what Bobby. does, and it pissed me off. Last night. at the Comedy Store, I even said this in. the recording today. The kid absolutely. smashed a piece. >> Yeah, but I was sad up there. >> Well, then be more sad cuz you're. killing. >> I hope for your taping you're sad cuz. you crushed it. I left immediately. You. see notice that? >> 10 out of 10 though. You hit 10 home. runs. It was crazy. Every joke you spit. out, I was like, "Man, that's a hit. That one's a hit. That one's a hit. That. one's a hit." You didn't miss. >> Amen. >> And then we gave Dax Flame a joke. Dax. read one of our jokes. >> Did he Did he really do it? >> Yeah, he did it. >> What was the joke?

>> He texted me and it did really well. >> I hope that. >> Yeah. He said, uh, the joke was, we're. going back to this again. We were. actually talking about this last night. Okay. >> It was um, >> California in 1948 outlawed the chair. >> Yeah. And uh Bobby wrote the punch line. which was that's crazy because I went to. IKEA and Burbank and they had a ton of. chairs. >> Ton of chairs. >> It crushed. >> It did. >> It killed. It absolutely killed. >> Yeah. >> It was a great joke. >> Did he do the tag that I made up? >> He said. >> and I sat on one and I didn't die.

>> No, he didn't. >> Oh, damn it. >> I think he forgot the tag. >> Oh, >> but it was still good and it killed and. then he gave you credit. >> Wow. Okay, good. He said Bob and Andrew. >> He said Bobby Lee wrote that joke for. me. Oh, >> I didn't write the punch line. >> Yeah, but you care about the setup. >> So, what punch line? >> Setup is a lot. >> Punch line is all that anybody cares. about. >> Yeah. >> Who's who do we have? >> Who do we have? >> Who who just showed up? >> Oh my god. >> And if it isn't the. >> You have a sunburst here. >> If it isn't the corn bandit himself. >> What's up, >> ladies and gentlemen? Harlon Williams. studio.

>> Hello. [Applause]. >> You don't have to clap, dude. >> Well, I shouldn't have because now I've. delayed putting these on. >> Get it on there. You don't have to if. you don't want to. You can hear us just. fine. If you can. Oh, this will be a good bit. Hang on. [ __ ] You got it. [Music]. Stupid. >> It's so stupid. >> It's so stupid. >> Where'd you get these things?

>> Stupid. God damn it. [Music]. >> Well, I didn't make the thing you did. [ __ ]. >> Why are you so stupid? >> Why? [Music]. >> Why you acting so dumb dumb, dude? >> Is this a podcast or a Rubik's cube? >> All right, don't break it. I'm. a technician. >> Mode, help him. Take your time, dude. >> Somebody please. >> Jesus Christ. >> Not easy, right? Guy.

>> When a hippie can't do it, how do you. >> Exactly. >> Okay. He's my buddy. >> You know that guy, right? >> Yeah. >> I love that guy. >> You do? >> Yeah, he's my buddy. He helped mentor. me. >> Did he? >> Really? >> He helped. >> What year? What year? >> It was thanks to you, but uh we'll save. it for later. >> We'll save it for later. Yeah. Yeah. >> Let me ask Let me ask you something a. minute. Let him get settled. >> Okay. >> Is it. good to go? I want to go. Get out of.

here. >> Yeah. Get out of here then, [ __ ]. [ __ ]. Just get out of here, dude. >> Anyway, Harlem Williams, everybody. Harlem Williams. There we go. I. >> I [ __ ] told you it wouldn't work out. >> I know. You're right. Draft. >> Draft King Sports Book. >> The rivalries, the marching bands, the. upsets just got way more fun, my. friends. >> Way more fun. College football is b. You. think you know the game? >> I do. >> Put your knowledge to the test with. DraftKings Sportsbook and turn. interference. >> into big big wins. You want you want.

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Illinois. 21 plus age and eligibility. varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus expires 7 days after issuance. For. additional terms and responsible gaming. resources, see dkg.co/audio. >> Simply Safe. I gave this to you. >> and you gave it to me. Simply safe. And. you know what? I have never felt safer. in my life in my home before because let. me say something. I have um two. Filipinos and seven animals in my house. >> Two two and seven. That's eight animals. in total. >> Yeah. Yeah. And um you know before I had. Simply Safe, we were petrified at night.

We could not sleep. >> So scared. >> And now we have um cameras all over the. place and AI help. There's AI. technology. >> There's AI powered cameras that ident. identify threats lurking outside your. home. And immediately alert simply saves. professional monitoring agents. These. agents they saw little gray walk by the. other day. A little gray walks by and. they intervene in real time before the. break-in even begins. They access a. two-way audio to confront the person. Trigger sirens, spotlights, they scare. him away. And the gray person went far, far away. >> This is real security. >> It's real security, ladies and. gentlemen. We did give it to Bobby. We.

installed it at his house. It does work. Join the more than 4 million Americans. who trust Simply Safe with their home. security every single day, including. >> me, Bobby Lee, >> and the two Filipinos and Seven Animals. That's right. And also, we have six. there's a 60-day money back guarantee. There is a 60-day money back guarantee. No long-term contracts. That's amazing. Simplysafe earns your business by. keeping you safe and satisfied every. single day. So, visit. simplysafe.com/badfriends. to claim 50% off a new system. >> That's simplysafe.com/badfriends. >> Simplysafe.com/badfriend.

There's no safe like Simplysafe. >> He doesn't know how to use those things. >> No, he's never. Come back. >> Come back. >> They sent me back. >> All right, Mone, get up there and set it. up for real for him so. >> the hippie out here. >> Yeah, >> I like that. We should start calling him. the hippie. >> Good job, hippie. >> Thank you. H dirty hip. Hippie. >> He's dirty. Smelly hippie. >> He's smelly boy. >> Smelly. >> You know why he's smelly? He's not He. doesn't have an apartment. He doesn't. have anywhere to live. >> Well, they live in a back of a. Volkswagen van with flowers on the side. He stinks. Dirty FP coming from a guy.

that goes to Burning Man every year. >> Yeah. >> Not this year, though. >> Why not? >> Why? >> I need a break. Daddy needs a break. >> What do you do at Burning Man? What's. your What's What do you like? What's. your. >> What don't you do? It's everyone in the. world should go. >> Really? >> Oh, yeah. >> But you don't take any drugs or anything. like that. >> Burning Man gives you that window of. exception. >> Not that I've ever taken any, but. >> if I were to, that would be the. exception. >> Yeah. >> Wow. >> Yeah. You don't do them, right?

>> I don't do Burning Man. >> Have you ever done hardcore drugs? >> Yeah. In my lifetime, of course. Of. course. Yeah. Yeah. >> What's your Which would you What's your. favorite? I haven't, but if I did, I. would do it there. >> Yeah. If I drive out there, do I need a. van or a bus? >> You should rent a uh an RV. >> You're out there with an RV? >> Yeah. >> They don't accept money out there. >> No, there's you can't buy anything, >> right? So, it's um you're trading. >> Yeah, that's what they say. But it's. it's it's it's not like like a bartering.

system. It's just if you need something. like if you need a sandwich, you knock. on a trailer, give me you have a. sandwich, we'll give you a sandwich. Wow. >> What you give them in return? >> Whatever they ask for. A drink, another. sandwich. You could do sandwich or. sandwich. Like I could knock on a door. and say, "Hey, could I get a tuna salad. sandwich?". >> Yeah. >> And they would say, "Sure, but I need an. egg. I would like an egg salad. sandwich." And then you do like a. sandwich trade, which you don't see a. lot anymore. >> Nothing says a good sandwich in the.

desert like tuna. Egg salad. Nothing in. that heat. In. >> that heat. Yeah. It's grilled. >> Perfect. Yeah. >> Are there ladies out there? >> Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful women. Beautiful. Yeah. All the Victoria's. Secret models go out there. They like to. dress up, >> right? And there's Is there dancings? >> There's dancings. There's uh It's. mystical. It's magical. >> Is there any documentation of you at. Burning Man dancing? >> Yeah. I I actually made a documentary. called Burning Men,

>> which I've never released. I actually. shot me and Michael Rosenbomb went one. year. I made a documentary of it. >> Burning Men. >> Burning Men, I called it. >> Wow. >> I should release it one day. It's all. done, edited, everything. But I. >> What's holding you back? >> I don't know. >> I just I do a lot of that. I'll make. things and then never put them out in. the world. I think we all do that as. artists. >> No, we put it all out. >> We put it out. >> All of it. >> We've never not put anything out. >> Wow. Okay. I've put a lot of them put. out.

>> Well, I think you should start putting. more out. >> Yeah, >> because you're so valuable. Everybody. wants you. >> Say again now. >> You're on the rise. >> You're on the rise. Like yeast. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And if you let it sit. >> Exactly. >> Get yourself some bread. >> Do you feel that though? Do you feel. like that you're on the rise? >> No. >> Oh, okay. Why you winking? >> Don't. You're tricking him. He's. >> I didn't wink. I did one of these. >> Yeah. Have you ever brought Harlon. Williams on stage? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. He's brought me on stage, too. >> Yeah. >> We've done it. We've done it both ways.

>> We go both ways. >> Mhm. >> Do you know how athletic he is? It's. unbelievable. >> I know. Look, I've touched his legs. before and they're so strong. >> It's unbelievable. This guy. >> You touched my leg? >> Yeah, we've all touched your leg. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> He asked if I brought you on stage. >> Your legs are so very strong. >> Yeah. >> You know that? >> I just literally came from the raetball. court uh about an hour ago. I was. playing raetball. >> Who do you play with? >> Just the guys on the on the list. >> But I thought you said that there's. another comic that you play. >> Dane plays with me sometimes. Dane Cook. >> Plays. Who else? >> Vinnie Vaseline.

>> Yeah, Vinnie Vaseline. Yeah. >> Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you about. Dane. >> Yeah. Is he aggressive? >> Uh, yeah. Yeah, he's he's got a got a. temper. He's fired up, but that's what. you want with sports. >> Have you played war zone with him? >> No. >> It's insane. >> Is that. >> Get behind the wall. >> Yeah. Like he he he takes charge, dude. >> Can you beat Dane at paddle ball or raet. ball? >> Easily. He's He's new. I've been playing. for like nine years. He's just. >> He's going to love this. That clip. Yeah. Easily. Easily. It's going to. fuel. It's going to fuel his fire. >> Haron, how come you haven't had one of.

your pool parties? You know what? >> I love your pool party. >> I know. You got to come up for one. I I. still have to have one this summer. Yeah. >> Yeah. This summer you haven't had one. >> I haven't. I've been busy. >> Yeah. What are you doing? >> Uh I was um down in Florida fishing and. scalloping. and uh you know just uh taking it easy. I've been taking a a class at Devry. >> What are you taking? >> Well, people always say that I.

I have trouble communicating a lot. >> Uhhuh. >> And sometimes people say I always like. make up stories and they have trouble. like communicating and getting like a. real story out of me. This type of. nonsense. >> What does that have to do with the fry? >> So, I took a class I took a night class. in communication. I'm taking uh it's. immersive. It's called uh Ouija therapy. >> Oh, whoa. Have you heard of a Ouija?

>> I know Ouija, but that combo I haven't. They combine the two. >> They combine it. So, what they do is. they train you to because your face is. so expressive. So, when I can't get the. words out, >> uh they sort of assign. >> areas of your expressive face almost. like the keypad on your computer or. typewriter, everything's a letter. >> Yeah. >> Wow. And since I have trouble like. sometimes getting answers or stories. out, >> right, >> I've sort of been trained by them to.

assign letters to my face. >> Do W. >> Well, what you do is you ask me a. question and then I do. >> I thought you. >> because I can't get it out. But if I if. I practice my Ouija communication, it. sort of helps. >> Yeah. Let me ask you a question then. >> Okay. >> Um, what is your favorite nocturnal. animal?

Okay. Uh, the answers. >> You brought You brought a. >> What is it? >> You brought a Ouija thing, >> dude. I'm trying to grow. He's in class. >> Don't make fun of him, dude. >> He brought a Ouija thing. >> cuz he's taking a Devry. He told you. >> I know. I thought he was improvising, but this is kind of real. Okay, I. apologize. I thought it was a joke that. you I thought you were doing improv or. whatever. So, this is real. I didn't get. what you were saying there, but um could.

I. >> ask again? >> Wombat, >> what is my what? >> Wombat. >> Your favorite. >> What were you saying with the weed? >> I'm I have to ask again. >> All right. All right. What is your. favorite nocturnal animal? >> Jesus. [ __ ] off. >> Oh, >> that this is that was it, not me. >> Oh, >> it was this. >> It's a spiritual thing there. There are. spirits involved. >> It's Ouija.

>> Wow. It's Ouija. I didn't know. You ask. a question, Andrew. >> I feel like I know the answer. >> You [ __ ] off. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Can I see it? >> Yeah. >> Sure. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Just toss it. >> Good. Toss. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> All right. Ask me a question, Harlon. >> Uh, okay. Okay, let me think of. something deep and meaningful. Uh, what is the meaning of life? >> Well, that's too broad. Let me ask you a. personal question. >> Sure. >> What makes you sad? >> This.

This makes me really sad. >> Yeah, this bit makes me sad. >> The bit makes me sad, too. >> It makes me sad. >> Yeah. >> Well, maybe you shouldn't enroll at DVI. >> I'm not going to. Well, I'm glad you. enrolled at DVI. I mean that does seem. like it's working very well. >> Yeah. >> Do you read? >> Yeah. >> What's the last? Recommend me a book. >> Have you been to his office? >> Yeah, I have. >> It's amazing. >> It's amazing. >> He's got books. He's got so much [ __ ]. all over the place. It's beautiful. >> You have the also the best view of the. city. I mean,

>> Shanku. >> Shrank Shu. >> I would say uh man, I would recommend. The Fountain Head by Anne Rand. >> I've heard of it. I heard it's good. You're reading a lot of Anne Rand. lately. >> Have you read The Fountain Head? >> Oh, dude. >> Is it good? >> Oh, yeah. >> Cuz they did a movie. No, >> I don't know if they ever made a movie. The Fountain Head. I think they. attempted. >> I think they did. They attempted it, but. I don't think it was that great. >> It's too big in scope, but it's a very. very uh. >> Gary Cooper.

>> Oh, Gary Cooper. Oh, okay. Yeah. >> So, The Fountain Head and Rand. >> and Rand. Yeah. Read it. >> I'm gonna read it. >> Yeah. >> Are you being You're being real. I feel. like you're being real right now. I am. >> Yeah. I am going to read that tonight. >> Well, it's really big, so you won't read. it in a night. >> No, but I'm going to start tonight. I'm. going to audiobook it. Is that okay? >> It's up to you. But it's one of those. books that draws you in and it's one of. those savory books where it becomes part. of your life for the time that you're. reading it. >> Oh wow. >> And also Stephen King's The Stand is. like that because it's a big thicky.

>> Yeah. Kujo is like that with me too. >> Kujo. Yeah. You love a good You love. >> I love it. >> Wow. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. But I ran the fountain head. >> What are you reading? >> The Insightful Man. >> by who? >> I don't remember the guy's name. Look up. the name. What's his name? The. Insightful Man book. >> Yeah, >> Insight of a Man. >> The Inside of a Man. Uh, by Leon Mopipi. Uh, and at first it got me. The Mopi got.

me. I was laughing when I bought it. I. bought it because of the Mipi. >> Yeah, >> I'm not going to lie. I bought it. because I saw Mopi and I thought it was. funny and it's actually given me a lot. of knowledge and insight. >> Yeah, >> it actually is. It's. >> Well, I'd invite you to read my latest. book. What is it? >> What is it? >> It's called Uncle Milton. >> Whoa. >> Yeah. >> And. >> And what is it? Is it a. >> It's a collection of short stories. >> Are you being real? >> Yeah. >> Wow. Uncle Milton by. >> Har. >> Haron Williams. Wow. >> Yeah.

>> It's short stories. >> Three short stories. >> that you wrote. >> Yeah. >> Wow. Let's see the reviews. Click on the. click on the. >> There's a review. It just came out, so I. don't know. >> Harlon Williams is good at anything he. decides to do. His short story. collections are no exception. In the. realm of suspension, supernatural, the. stories are unique. Good read. I've read. a lot of Stephen King's short stories, and this gives me similar feels. In this. collection, there are three separate. stories touching on different aspects of. relationships. Three, three is a magic. number. The heart and the mind and the. body. Harland focused on each of these. in turn. Overall, very good. Hoping to. read more books from Harland in the.

future. >> Wow. I didn't even know those were. there. I like Thank you. >> I got Hear Yourself by Prem Rawat. >> Oh, tell. >> Marashi. The Maharashi. >> Oh, wow. >> Yeah. Do you know why? >> Why? >> Cuz I'm going crazy. I need to dilute. the mind. Calm the mind down. >> What's going on, my guy? >> Nothing. I don't know what it is, but. I'm trying to a lot of anxiety. So, I'm. trying to calm the meditating at night, being mindful about my breath, >> doing breath work. What's uh causing the.

anxiety? >> I don't know. I don't know the root of. it. >> You must have an inkling. >> This special, we've talked about this. Yeah, >> there's a lot of pressure on the. special. >> He's about to shoot a special. >> Yeah. >> When? >> In January. >> Well, it's going to be December, but. >> anxiety thrust it into the new year. >> Maybe February. >> Yeah. Depends on the anxiety. >> But I don't think you need the anxiety. cuz you're a confident, funny human. being. >> Wow. Are you my messiah or I'm not my.

messiah? >> I'm happy to help. >> My spiritual teacher. >> Happy to help. >> you. You know what? I would follow you. if you had a philosophy. >> What is your philosophy of life? >> Chocolate. >> Yeah, >> it is really dark. >> Yeah, I would follow chocolate. >> Swiss. I like Swiss chocolate. >> All right. Me and you, we climb the. temple. We get to the temple, right? >> Yeah, I'm there. >> We see him. He's in a robe. >> We sit, you know, cross-legged. >> Yeah. >> Right. We light some candles. We do a. little bong bong. Right. Yeah. Our. master's about to speak. >> What do you say?

>> M. chocolate. >> And then we go chocolate. >> Master. Master. >> Yes. >> I have a question. >> Yes. Stupid. >> Sorry. Sorry. Because I'm so superior. >> I know. Master, >> I didn't mean that. >> But master, I'm going through a divorce. and my my wife cheated on me. What do I. do? Uh Humphrey Bogart said once that women. are like street cars.

One goes and another one is coming right. along. >> Oh, >> very good. Master Master Master. >> Yes. >> My children have died in a horrible fire. accident. A smelting accident. I owned a. smelting factory and my child died. >> I worked there. I saw them die. >> He may have been the person that killed. my child. We don't know. M. >> We don't know yet. Master, >> what do I do now? Uh, make some new kids. >> Ah,

>> and uh, forget the oldies. >> Yeah. >> And and chocolate probably. >> And chocolate. >> Yeah. >> And I got a hole in the desert you can. put the dead kids, too. >> Oh, master. >> Master. Thank you. >> Thank you, master. Thank you, master. >> I would love to help you, my guy. I. don't like it when you're you're like, you know, when my guy is feeling. anxiety. >> Are you talking to me as master or meand. slash. >> master? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Master,

>> you want to help me now? >> Yeah. >> Okay. >> You're a you're a funny funny beloved uh. guy. Don't don't don't feel anxiety. >> Yeah. >> I told him. >> I know. >> People tell me. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I just uh I just feel the anxiety. I don't know what it is. is what's your. fix? >> I have you know what I you know what I. have master? >> Yes. >> Um imposter syndrome. >> What's that? >> I don't feel like um you know people go. oh you're doing well or this and that. and I always go you know what I mean? I. always downplay it.

>> Okay. >> You know I like you know I like just. going to a Starbucks and getting my. horata my horatada beverage. >> You know what I mean? And just being. normal. You know what I mean? All that. you mean? But then people go oh can we. get a photo and this and that. I've. >> I just I have a conflict about it. What. do what's my what do I do master? >> I would say ride the anxiety like like a. snake. >> like like a dragon like ride it like. >> yes. >> you know this sometimes when you perform. your mood can feed your performance.

>> Sometimes you feel down sometimes you. feel up. Sometimes you feel. anxietyridden. But whatever it is just. take it onto the stage. >> Yeah. >> And let it be part of the journey. >> Oh so it I know it'll pass. It might not. pass. You might. just say it's going to pass. I think. it's going to pass. >> Use it as fuel on the night of the. special. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I will. Yeah. >> Oh, let me say something about this. about myself. I know this. >> When I get a ball, I hit it.

>> You do? Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. So, I will hit the ball. >> You will hit the ball. >> I think the anxiety is just giving you, you know, without the anxiety, your. experience might be mundane. And so the anxiety is giving you a. little bit. It's life saying, "Hey, feel. the energy. Feel the electricity.". That's the anxiety versus you've been. doing this a long time. You know the. terrain. >> I know the ter. >> And so think of the anxiety as a little. electrical charge, a little air under.

your feet, and it's going to make it. more interesting and provocative and and. and infused with life. >> Guy, you're the master has spoken. >> Yeah, I love it. Now go suck a chocolate. bar. >> That's our messiah. Suck a milky way. >> Yeah. >> You're a little You are a little. chocolate boy. You love snacks. >> Whenever I go to his house, he has. snacks. >> I sleep with a with a can of Pringles. like in my arm. >> Like I snuggle it. >> Yeah. >> Is it a big one? That's a big can. >> No, it's just a regular can, but I.

can't. How do you close your arm? But. it's a sour cream and onion and I just. >> Is that your favorite chip? >> I love it. >> Yeah. I just snuggle with it at night. I. used to have a teddy bear, a teddy rucks. spin. You know the ones that talk. >> Oh yeah. >> Oh yeah. Had one. >> Mine got possessed and spoken tongues. and I had to flush it in the toilet. Literally in the middle of the night I'm. stuffing its head in the toilet. Flush. Flush. >> What was it saying? >> Yeah. I hate devil talk. I know that. >> Yeah. You know that.

>> No. No. Don't don't don't. You're going. to summon it if you do that. >> You know, one time, this is a true. story. I had this um roommate. His name. is Aaron. Redheaded kid. >> Yeah. >> Christian, >> why are you looking at me? >> I don't know. My eyes just drifted. >> Yeah. >> Factor. >> We're busy boys. We're busy little. bodies. >> And if you want really delicious food. and you want a meal kit, Factor is the. number one in the world. >> More variety, more meals. Okay. Choose. from a wider selection of weekly meal. options including premium seafood. choices like salmon and shrimp and no. extra cost. >> Savor you want to savor go. You want to.

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eyed me and then everyone started. speaking in tongues. and they all touched my head and and as. they touched my I stood up and I. literally walked out of the church. >> Wow. >> Yeah. I was so scary. >> Wow. >> Yeah. Do you think it's real speaking in. tongues when in church? >> Yes. >> Oh, you think it's real? >> There's videos of people speaking in. tongues. Ah, >> they connect to a higher power. >> What are you talking about? >> No, they do. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> God speaks through you. >> The best time to do it. >> The best time to do it is when you're. performing kunnelingus.

>> Really? Because it's like, you know, girls love it. >> They love it. Yeah. Yeah. >> It's like foreplay. Satan's foreplay. >> Yeah. >> See, they were speaking in tongues here. They can show you this. Is he a cracker? >> These guys are just. >> All right. It is. >> Those guys are just Latian. I don't. think that. >> Yeah. Yeah, that's what it felt like. >> I'm pretty sure that was just another.

language. >> Yeah, I think you're right. >> How many languages do you speak? You. speak a few, don't you? >> I speak a little French and a little. German. >> That's is good. Yeah. >> Das is good. And that's it. That's. That's is. >> I I did speak a little when I lived. there, but I speak a little French. because I'm French Canadian, but that's. it. >> Say, Bobby, it's so good to see you. today and I can't wait to go out to eat. with you later. >> Uh Bobby say.

Mo Leap. Montreal Fireworks Festival. >> Wow. >> Yeah. >> Wow. That's really good. Yeah, good. lanto. panalon lasa eli. >> I'll wear my pants to school on. >> something like that. Yeah, I said. school. I said school in there, too, right? >> How come you guys aren't fighting? Usually when I watch this show, you're. like just going at each other.

>> We were fighting a little bit. No, we. were good before. >> We haven't fought today. >> We didn't fight. >> I know, but why? >> You want us to fight? >> I was sort of looking forward to a good. fight. Like a. >> bruhaha. All right. Well, give us a. topic and we'll fight over it. >> We'll fight about anything. >> Oh, it's your show. You should have the. topic. >> What? >> You should have the topic. >> You were just going to brew a fight. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> I don't know. Usually you're yelling at. each other. >> Well, okay. He said that he liked your. shirt. I hate that shirt. >> Wait a minute. I was lying. >> This shirt has a lot of hate shirt. Awful. >> It's awful. >> It's [ __ ]. >> Yeah, it's a [ __ ] shirt.

>> This shirt has a lot. What do you What. do you be comb? You like them? >> This shirt has a lot of sentimental. meaning before you rip into it. I we. don't Okay. What is it? Let me guess. >> Your uncle Your uncle Harvey was on a. Golden Temple Mountain with a panda and. they pooped out an egg. It broke open. And there's a shirt. Cuz you tell. stories like that all the time. And. they're not real. Dude, my father died. today. nine years ago. Wow. And he died when we.

were watching the movie. The whole. family were at his house. We were. watching Children of the Corn. This is a. corn shirt. >> Yeah, >> I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm. >> So, Children of the Corn is full of jump. scares. I don't know if you've seen. that. >> Malachi was a scary guy. >> Malachi. There's the niblet children are. popping out of the rose like just crazy. >> So, we're at my old man's house. This. guy, you said I like sports. The old man.

liked fish. He loved fishing. >> He died today or 9 years ago? >> Nine years ago today. Hey, this every. year we put on the corn shirt. >> and he had a 9 ft marlin hanging over. the wall. >> behind the couch right here. We're all. sitting on the couch. He's got a knife. He loves this. He has fish tanks all. over. >> He had a fish tank full of piranhas. You. ever heard of these things from the. Amazon? >> Yeah. Piranhas. >> They eat flesh. >> They're like piranhas. >> Pirasana. He has piran piranha. However you want.

to Swiss it up. >> Why would you lie? >> I don't know. Well, there's two pronunciations, >> okay? >> The botonists call it or students of. ichthology call it piran, >> right? >> But the lay person like yourself calls. it piranha. >> lei. >> So the old man's got a piranha tank over. here. He's got a uh 9 foot marlin up on. the wall with the snout. Here we are. huddled in the den. We got Pottery Barn. candles on the table. We're all huddled.

together, nine of us, and we're watching. Children of the Corn like we do every. year, which his favorite horror movie. This thing's packed full of jump scares. >> big time. >> Yeah. >> We're sitting there, Malachi pops out. with some of the nibblet children out of. the corn. We all jump. The old man goes. back, hits the wall. The marlin cuts. loose from it. It's hanging on the wall. This thing comes down. The snout of the. marlin goes into the old man's spine.

The old man flails across the room, right? He hits the wall. He hits the. light switch. The [ __ ] ceiling fan. starts going on. >> No. >> Now this thing's got a wire on the back. of the marlin. Right. >> Now the wires up in the ceiling fan. But. when the old man went back, he put his. hand into the piranha tank. >> These things took off two of his. fingers. Here goes the ceiling fan. It. starts constricting around his neck.

He's got a marlin in his spine. He goes. to turn off the ceiling fan switch. He. ain't got the fingers that you flick the. switch with. >> Oh my god. >> This is my old man. It's like a final. destination. Sorry, man. >> Yeah. I I I I like the shirt. >> It's just It's a memor. So before you. rip into it, uh this is like in. memorandum of my old man. >> And let me tell you something. I do like.

the shirt, okay? Cuz it's You would. never wear it. >> It's never It's [ __ ] hideous. >> It's a hideous piece of [ __ ] shirt. It's. insane. >> It's I don't even know where to buy a. shirt. >> Where did you buy that shirt? >> Yeah. >> Look up at Forest Lawn. They've got. >> at the cemeter cemetery. >> Wow. >> You know, everything's a theme. >> Yeah. Yeah, right. >> You can't even find that kind of corn. shirt online. Look at it. >> You can't. Yes, you can. That's it right. there. Corn cob background shirt. >> No, that's not it, dude. That's not what.

that is. >> That's a one of one. Yeah, I think Well, I mean, this is it's not about the. shirt. It's about my father. >> You're right. >> Oh, that's right. You're right. You're. right. Let's go back to that. >> Good lord. >> Yeah, >> he passed away, guys. >> Okay, so um. >> Malachi, if I can reiterate. >> No, please. Malachi popped out through. the rows of corn. >> With the niblett children. >> Yeah. >> And the niblett children were Well, now. I feel like you're making fun of my dad. >> No, we're not. I just I we see where you. got it for your father. It's for any.

occasion. Street leisure, the party or. >> for to commemorate his death. >> I I look I think when your dad I mean. Bobby, your dad died pretty tragically. >> Yeah. How did Tell them how your dad. died. >> My dad died. wearing the shirt as well. >> Yeah. Yeah. My dad died in a hospice. >> Oh, no. >> Yeah. And he he was like like that for a. week. >> and he loved Metallica. >> He loved Metallica. >> That's why he's wearing the shirt. >> He loves it. >> A hospice. What What is a hospice?

>> Puppets. >> What is a hospice? >> Oh, it's where people go to bed to die. Harland, I'm sure your fingerless dad. died in one as well. >> No, he died from the on the ceiling. >> He died instantly. He died, right? He. choked out. >> Wow. >> Who took him down? >> Oh, I don't want to talk about that, but. the cleaning lady. Oh, she cleaning. >> Oh, what? The clean the next day or. >> Yeah, we went we had to go out and eat, but uh she came in the next day. >> Yeah, cleaned it up. >> Cleaned it up. >> Why no socks, Harlon? That's a little.

weird. >> Uh oh, I didn't know you were looking at. down there. >> Yeah. >> Uh. >> that's one of my pet peeves when people. don't wear socks. How about you? >> You know, Do you have stinky feet? >> No. Let me smell your shoe. >> Well, no. >> Take one off. Take one off. Prove it. Cuz otherwise I'm going to find out if. you got sticky feet or not. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yay or nay?

>> Yeah. I can't do it. I'll vomit. I. can't. >> I almost threw up. >> Is it bad? >> Yeah. >> It got me. >> What's it smell like? >> My eyes are [ __ ] watering. >> Yeah. >> What's it smell like? >> [ __ ] Yeah, it's bad. >> It's pretty bad. >> Tell me. Let me one. >> Oh my god. Big whiff. I hate it. Big. whiff. I already did it. >> Do a big whiff. >> I can't. >> Put your [ __ ] nose in it, you [ __ ]. >> There's no way. >> What's it smell like? >> I I. >> Corn, chocolate, >> all of it. Your dead dad. Everything. >> Yeah, it's bad. Yeah. Yeah. Wear socks,

Carlland. >> Jesus. God. >> Do you ever wear no socks? >> You got to do a shoe now. Pour your your. drink into your shoe and drink it. That's That's That's what Australians. do. >> It is. >> That's what they do. >> They don't do that. Yes, they do. Shoeies. You've never heard of a Shouy? Shy. >> Bring up a Shouy in Australia. That's. literally what they do. >> So, what do you do? >> You pour a drink in it and you chug it. to. >> No, don't do it, Harlin. Don't do it. It's crazy. >> It's gross. >> Well, no. It's a c Look, it's a. celebration. >> All right. >> What do I do? >> You pour Look it. You pour it in and you. chug it.

>> A real. >> Oh my god. >> Yes. >> Oh my god. >> Aussies love you, mate. We love Oh no. >> No, I would have. I think I got a. hangail. Oh, I got a toenail. >> Oh, wow. Wow. >> Haron, are you in love right now? >> Yeah, he is. >> Cuz you seem like you're in love. >> I do. >> Yeah, you kind of are bouncing. >> I know that you are. >> Really? What do you mean? >> He is. >> I know that you are. I know you. personally. I know that you are.

>> In love with what though? >> A female. >> A human. >> Uh, define. Uh, a woman with appropriate genitals. >> What's inappropriate? >> I don't know. I don't know. >> You're in love with a person. >> Yeah. You're Yeah. human being. Because. you've mentioned it a couple of times. You don't You don't probably notice it. because you never go, "Well, I have a. girlfriend." But you've said like, "Yeah, the girl that I'm seeing and. we're doing this and that." And it's. it's fun. It's I can see a joy off of.

your face. >> You do? Well, thank you. Yeah. I I do. have a joy. >> Yeah. I don't talk about my personal. life like you do. >> I don't. >> We're opposites. >> There are things about me that no one. knows. >> You You're an open book. You're an open. like collection of dictionaries or. encyclopedias. >> Like what don't we know about you? >> Okay. >> No. What? There are some things that he. >> Yeah, there are things I hide. >> Okay. >> There are personal things like my. recovery or like you know. >> Well, you just let it out. >> No, but like personal things I do with.

my Okay. Okay. >> But there's just some things that I do. hide from. I'm not going to say it. >> No, it's a trick now. I I understand. your tricks. >> Well, I just drank out of a shoe. >> You did. He's good at tricks. >> Yeah, but there are things that uh about. you that you do hide a lot. >> I don't hide. It's not like I'm hiding. them. It's just I choose not to divulge. everything about me. >> It keeps you close. >> Like, >> but what what what does it hurt if we. ask you? >> You can ask. go. >> that you are you are seeing somebody and. that you and we don't want to know.

specifics but we see a joy radiating. from your body. >> I love I love that you feel that and. sense that. >> That's all I'm saying. >> I love that. >> Yeah. >> He wants more. >> No, I love you. You gave me a ride home. that night. We talked deep. >> in your in his in his car. I got to tell. you about this guy's car. >> You think your old car was a mess? >> Yeah. >> This guy. >> Yeah. We're at the same time. >> It's unbelievable. What was in my car? >> Everything. I don't know what what. wasn't in your car.

>> Wow. Guy, >> there it was insane. >> Yeah, >> there was there was uh a like a. halfbuilt crib, like a baby crib. >> Wow. >> Doesn't have a baby. >> Yeah. >> Uh there was a um You remember pegs on. on BMX bikes? >> Sure. >> Had had four or five sets of pegs in the. back seat. This is all real. This is all. real. >> Hyper like needles. >> H what? Hypodermic needles? I don't. know. Do you have any of those? You I. don't know what you saw. I might have. some. It's just what you saw. >> He had I'm not kidding. He had a paint. bucket. Like a a [ __ ] What are those?

Like a few gallon bucket of Elmer's. glue. >> Well, I have that. >> Oh, you do have one of those. >> Yeah. No, I have hundreds of bottles of. Elmer's glue. >> Do you know why he has glue? >> Uh well, I know he doesn't like horses. And glue is primarily made up of. groundup horse hooves. That's true. >> Yeah. >> And so. >> I don't like the hooves. I like the. horses. Oh yeah. You don't like horses. hooves? >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Okay. So that's why he has all the glue. Get rid of the the hooves.

>> No, but I Why Why would I have Elmer's. glue at home? >> Um. the way that they seized Diddy's house. and got all that baby oil. They seize. your house and have. >> What was he doing with all that? >> Hundreds of bottles. >> And who's Elmer, by the way? >> I don't know, but I I do want to meet. him. >> I mean, it sounds like a short story you. would write. >> Yeah. >> Tell us who Elmer is. That's a good. idea. >> Who is Elmer behind Elmer's glue? Who is. that guy? Because he's got to be someone. significant. We've all used his glue.

Elmer was a known Elmer's glue is Elmer. the Bull, a character who is a husband. of Elsie the cow. >> Oh, see hoofs. That's almost a slap in. the face to our hoofed friends. >> Why would you make your logo of the. thing you're killing. >> to make the product? >> Well, is it ketchup always has a tomato. on it? >> Okay. Well, >> yeah. Just slap it down in front. Andrew, good point. Thank you. Great. point. Like one of the best. >> What I do with Elmer's glue is I dry. them onto my hand and I peel them.

>> Oh, so it looks like you have that aging. disease. >> No, but I I do No, I do like 40 layers. with a with a blow dryer. >> Yeah. >> Oh, wow. >> And then I put a complete glove. >> Oh, that's so cool. >> You know that, right? And I stuff. >> That's so cool. >> I stuff cotton in them and I draw on. them. >> Oh, that is so cool. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. So, it's like an art thing. >> I get it. I can relate. What I do is I. sit in the bath for about two hours. >> Yeah. >> I get my fingers pruned wrinkled.

and then when I get out of the tub, I. touch myself with the wrinkled fingers. and pretend I'm getting molested by an. 87year-old priest. Oh, so I can't have my thing. I just Yeah. >> Yeah. >> That's good. >> Whoa, dude. >> Whoa, dude. Do you love the movie Spotlight? >> What is it? >> Okay. >> Do you ever see it? >> Yeah, it's a great movie. >> Yeah, it's a great movie. >> What's it about? It's about some of the. the some of the friends of the church.

>> Oh, right. Right. With Michael Keaton. >> Yes. >> Whoa. >> It's a good movie. >> Spotlight. What is the quote that people. yell at you the most in public. >> when the quote? Yeah. Like something. that you said in movies and stuff. What. is something. >> Oh, I thought you meant. >> on the or on the pod. Yeah. No. No. In. real life, do people ever say a line to. you in public? Uh, well, in real life. they say, "Hey, no chin." I get that a. lot because I have no chin. >> Yeah, you do. >> Not really. >> Turn to this. Oh, yeah. Look at that. It's like a one piece. >> Like I get, "Hey, no chin a lot.".

>> Uh, >> the good news is when because it's. connected like that, it's, you know, you. don't ever It's always protected. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> You You're not going to get knocked out. easy. >> Yeah. It's I'm like almost an instant. shadow like punch. >> Yeah, dude. You are. In fact, could I. ask you? I don't want to be critical. >> No, please. I can take anything. You. could be as critical. I can take. >> If one thing my father's death taught me. is life goes by fast and anything can. bounce off you. So, you can be.

>> mega critical. >> All right. Well, your face looks like a. gigantic canvas, but only drew a little. face on the bottom half of the camera. >> Oh, so like like one of those cartoon. guys that like a caricature. >> Yeah. So, my face is big and my body's. small or my. >> It's just a longer but it's I like it. It's dimensional. >> My face is long. >> Yeah. What about mine? >> Well, let's stick with this. >> No, I want to. >> I want to get to the bottom of your hat. >> There's no way to There's no hatred. >> I thought you said you hated my face. >> Did I say hate?

>> Did I say hate? >> No, you No, >> I observation. I said. >> what is it again? Say it. >> What do you think I said? Okay. Long. face. >> Yeah. >> And it's like, you know what I mean? This half of the face is where all the. this thing. It's like Antarctica. Like. if you looked at the like Earth, a big. world. Antarctica. Nothing going on. >> Okay. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> He's saying, you know how you look at. >> Keep going. >> Oh. >> Like when you look at a map. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Of like of like cities and the and and. way down below there's all the city. lights. >> Hold on.

>> And everything else is blown. >> Hold on. Shh. >> Sorry. >> Got it. [ __ ] off. >> Yeah. Yeah. I was kidding, dude. You're. very handsome. You I don't know, you. know. >> No, I I got no problem with your face, but I don't mind criticism. I I like it. It's the only way I can grow. >> Criticize me. >> like physically or. >> or just even in terms of my attitude. >> sometimes. You're. a little bit elusive and distant.

>> That's being a ninja. >> I know, but it's. >> I have ninjutsu behaviors. Okay, if. that's the answer, I accept that as a. friend. >> Yeah, >> I think you're deflecting if I'm being. honest. But if you want to play the. ninja game, >> I know what you're saying. This is what. you're saying. >> Talk to me, guy. >> Guy, I'm here and I'm listening. >> Well, I said talk to me. Don't listen. Talk. >> talk to me. >> All right. Right now, are you getting a. little aggressive? >> I sure am. >> You do, but guy. >> Okay. >> All right. So, what I want to say I know.

what it is what you're saying. >> Talk. It's like I did your podcast and. then you know and then like 6 months. later you want me to do it again and I. don't return your phone call. Is that. what it is? >> No. >> Oh [ __ ]. >> I just think sometimes when buddy. >> Hey, bud. >> Buddy. >> Yeah. >> tries to get close to Buddy. Buddy doesn't always let Buddy all the. way in. >> Yeah. >> And maybe Buddy's a little guilty of it, too. What do I What did I do? >> I know. [ __ ] Sometimes I feel like. there's a little barriers with you two,

>> between us or. >> No, with me. Like Buddy tries to get in. and you guys will open the door so far, but then Buddy, you kind of put a foot. in the door and Buddy can't get all the. way in and be buddy. Buddy, >> I'm sorry buddy. Can I say this? Every. time I see you on the lineup, what do I. do? You're sitting there in the booth in. the back. I always walk up beside you. and I always say hello. >> But a hello is fleeting. I always try to. engage. I try to get a conversation.

going with Buddy. And Buddy sort of. flirts with it, entertains it, but never. fully engages with Buddy. And so Buddy. ends up feeling alone and sad when he. walks away and turns his back on Buddy. >> I see. >> Well, maybe if Buddy didn't wear corn. shirts, we'd have a better conversation. >> My father was killed. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> And let me tell you, >> by a Marlin. Also, can I just say. something, buddy? >> Yes, bud. >> If you call me being I'm so I'm so.

emotional I can't even speak. Right. So, let me let me calm down. >> I think we're getting somewhere. No, stay stay. This is where the real stuff. comes from. >> Stay. All right. When you see me in. public, right? Why don't you call me by. my name? You don't. You call me Sarah. Silverman. >> Yeah. >> It's a term of endearment. Do I call him. Sarah Silverman? No. >> What do you call him? >> That's special for you. >> What do you call him? >> Calls me earthquake. the big black comedian. He calls me. earthquake. >> That's what I'm saying. >> Well, what? Yeah. That's why buddy, we. can't get in with you, buddy.

>> Yeah, >> but why let a title get in the way of. our intimacy? >> Because when you scream it across a. room, hey, there's Sarah Silverman, the. whole room turns around and it's me. It's a little awkward. >> Well, can't you get around it and engage. with me and and be intimate and have a. real conversation for once in your life? Well, how can I have a real conversation. with you when you don't call me by my. name? Well, get over yourself, Sarah.

>> And then I call you Johnny Meatloaf. >> Fine. I love it. Slap me with the gravy. >> Okay, >> I'm in. >> All right. >> It's just a title, but beyond the title. And again, you're deflecting all over. the place. He can see it. >> I'm not looking at him. >> You're not looking at me? >> No, I am. When does the real buddy. conversation happen between us three? >> We try. >> You want to sit around all day and eat. styrofoam peanuts? Great. I can party. >> You know what I would do? >> But when does the talk happen?

>> Let's go to Joshua's. >> Okay. >> Airbnb Airbnb a house. Get a fire going. >> I would love. >> I love s'mores.' You know I love the. Jewish s'mores. Have you ever had. s'mores? >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Are unbelievable. >> They're unbelievable. You know what a. s'more is? >> I sure do. >> Yeah. I'll get them off. Ollie'more. >> Yeah, I'll get the marshmallow. >> and I'll and I'll get the gapilta fish. and we'll have oursel. >> Isn't it interesting? Isn't it. interesting that you want to drive 3. hours into the desert to open up to your.

buddy and I want to open up right here. and now while we're right in proximity. I want to live in the moment. and you. want to create some fantasy getaway in. the desert where maybe we can talk, but. you know when there's a crackling fire, it's hypnotic and you can't talk to. anyone because you're hypnotized by the. crackling flames. And this is all part. of your deflection so that you don't. have to look buddy in the eyes and talk. and get to know the real me and I get to.

know the real Sarah. Get to know you. >> Yeah. Okay. All right. Let's get real. >> Here we go. Finally. >> Um, I love you. >> Okay. How There's a lot of layers of. love. >> Yeah. But as a comedian, um, you're one. of the ones that I feel safe with and. trust. >> Love this. >> I feel like you're an ally. >> I love this. >> Yeah. I've always had a fun, playful. relationship with you. Like we're two.

kids in a schoolyard jumping with glee. >> Don't you feel that? I do. There's a. there's a childlike banter that you and. I both have. >> But in that schoolyard, and thank you for opening up. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> The janitor built a wall, >> right? >> And I need you to get over that wall. Okay. >> And come to me. >> Okay. >> I'll break. >> Maybe your friend Little Red over here, too. >> I'm the janitor. I'm building the wall. Someone's got to clean up this mess. >> And now No, now since I was on the hot.

seat, you talked to Harlon about how you. feel. Harlon, I I don't get you. >> Don't make a joke. >> All right. >> Get real. >> It's a comedy show. >> I know, but get real for a second. He. made it real. >> Thank you. >> All right. Yeah. You're welcome, buddy. >> Haron, you're one of the most elusive. comedians I've ever known. >> Talk to me. Is that hurtful? >> No. Is that a Is that. >> Is that hurtful to you? >> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah,

>> it is. >> Can't pin you down. Don't know you. I. just don't know the real you. tried. >> Tell me how you've tried and let me. hide. >> Help you get there. >> You hide. >> How? What can I. >> I want to help you get there. Guys, >> intervene real quick. >> Yeah, please. >> like the story about your dad. >> Yeah. >> I don't think that's real. >> I don't think that's real. Would I show. up in a corn shirt? >> If it wasn't real, that's what I'm. saying. We're worried about it. >> Can I say another thing, >> please? >> Is you did a pod a couple years ago with. my brother Steve.

>> Steve Oo. Stevie Weebi. >> Stevie Weebi. That's my little brother, >> Steve. It's your little brother. Yes. >> Right. And you had a little cap in your. >> jacket. >> Sure. From my dad, a momento. >> Yeah. And the cap was what? >> A mushroom cap. >> A mushroom cap from a man's penis. >> Well, my dad was in the circumcision. game. That's what I'm saying. >> Is that his profession? >> I don't know. Don circumcisions down on. Melrose 782. >> It's right over the door. It says, "We. love it when you leave a tip." And it.

was right over the door. I know. I I. remember. >> Yeah. I guess I have had some. procedures. >> Urban Outfitters. Yeah. I've been there. >> Been there. Yeah. So that's your dad, Don. >> Don. >> Yeah. And he tragically died the way you. described him dying. >> Yeah. Watching Children of the Corn 9. years ago today. >> What's wrong? Why? >> Okay. All right. You are being real. Sometimes you have to because it seems. >> seems not real. >> Fantastical. >> Yeah. It seems fantasy. >> Yeah. And it seems like it's not.

grounded in reality. >> Hey guy, everyone has their journey. Sorry if I'm not in your playbook. Sorry. if I don't uh I'm not a cookie cutter. I'm just living my life. Sorry my dad. got a sailfish through his spine. Uh. yeah, sue me. >> Okay, we all got our stories. >> Don't sue him. >> Okay, >> we'd like you to be unsued. >> Yeah, >> he would. >> I don't want you to get sued. >> Well, now I want to get. >> Haron, talk to Andrew about how you can. be a better friend. How can I be a. better friend to the and man? Like, I.

want to get in. I want to be close. >> I want to let you in. >> How do I do it, my guy? >> I just don't think you can keep wearing. those corn shirts. >> Yeah, me either. And. >> any foods. >> It's only one day a year. >> Yeah. >> No more food. >> I've seen you with uh barbecue with. actual barbecue on your shirts. >> Well, that was real like stains. >> Yes. >> Yeah. >> Wash it. >> Okay. >> Yeah. Yeah. Um, but you know, outside of. that, I I think the only way to really.

get to know you is to spend time with. you without clothes, without restriction. in a spa talking naked. You said strip. away the fire, strip away all the. distraction. >> I agree. >> I think we should go to the We should go. to the Korean spa. >> We should go to the Wii Spa. >> The Wii Spa with you. Get naked. Sit. around like real men and just. >> like real men. >> Would you. want to see this naked? Yeah, but I mean. it's not. >> it's not a challenge. >> What I have under this fabric, do you. want to see it?

>> Seeing is not the right word. Witness is. the word. >> Witnessing. >> I'd like to witness it. >> You would? >> Yeah. >> What is it about what's under this. fabric that is provocative for you? >> This is just a shroud. Whatever you've. got on this this this the clothes are as. uh as as false. >> It's a shield. >> Yeah, it's a shield. >> Shield to your heart. What part of my. anat I guess so I prep for. >> your penis. >> That's the part of my anatomy. >> I've never seen it. >> Okay. >> Okay. >> Have you visualized it in your head?

>> Oh yeah. >> Oh yeah. >> Would you like to describe it to your. audience? >> Yeah. Corn dog. But a Korean one. >> So there's like stuff on top of the the. breading. >> when they dip it in stuff. >> Yeah. Yeah. So it's got like corn nuts. and like you know. >> little snacks, >> little bacon bits, you know. I don't. feel like it's a salt. I feel like. there's other flavors involved. >> Well, let me say this. Go ahead. >> We're going to go to the spot of connect. and I think that will bond us together. We'll get through we'll get rid of all. this other crap. >> They have shorts there that you can wear. if you're like. >> I'll go I'll go pink.

>> I when I'm nude I look like a shrimp by. the way. A cocktail shrimp. >> That's me too. >> And if I curl my body sort of like this. >> Yeah. I look like a cocktail shrimp. Like you know how they hang them on the. glass? >> Oh yeah. >> Oh yeah. >> Like I'm pink like that. >> Yeah, that's fine. >> I'm me like that. >> Me too. >> Yeah. So what? Just so I can uh put this. into context, the three of us. >> sitting naked. >> in a spa. >> getting to know each other. >> Is it a steam room? Like can we. >> rice on a steam room? The whole bit.

>> So is it like I'm watching almost like a. ship emerging through the fog, your. pasty white bodies or is it a clean. steam room where the air is clean and I. can have a crystal clear. >> There is there is steam. >> There is steam. So it's ghostly. Sometimes you can't even watch me walk. in. I'm just there. >> Wow. >> Yeah. Like a ghost. It's. >> just like Yeah. I know. That swirling. mist. Almost like John Carpenters. The. fog. >> Exactly. The fog. Yeah. Exactly. >> Yeah. >> You wait in there long enough. >> Yeah. >> And the karate ghost appears.

>> Wow. I'm in, guys. >> Let's recap. >> Okay. >> We learned a lot about you. >> Yeah. >> Uh-huh. >> Oh, I thought you were recapping. No, I. was say. >> my dad used to do a lot of recapping. down at Dawn Circumcision. >> Yeah. >> Oh, you could reattach? >> Yeah. >> Oh, he did that procedure as well. >> Yeah. Wow. >> Yeah. Every now and then there was a. slip up, >> right? >> But uh to. >> I want a thicker cap. Can I get mine. replaced?

>> Uh how thick are we talking? >> Shaquille O'Neal. >> Whoa. Yeah. Big. >> Really big. Black. >> Like a hub cap almost. >> Yeah. I want a hub cap. >> Wow. Haron, we we we hope we get closer. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I think I like that. I don't know. that it's going to happen. >> I feel I feel farther away, actually. Got to be honest. Yeah. Don't you feel. farther away? >> Maybe the mystery. >> Yeah. >> Maybe the distance makes us more. interesting to people now than we ever. were. Maybe this was an exercise in. distancing ourselves from each other.

>> Good. >> Good. Good. Good. Good. And your crowd. now sort of sees us as a Nancy Drew. Hardy Boys mystery type of setup where. maybe we don't want to give the ending. away. >> Wow. >> Let's not do it. >> Let's not do it. >> I'm in. >> I'm in too, bud. >> You in? >> I'm in. >> Nancy Drew, the mystery of the swirling. steam room. >> Yeah. Go. >> Are you good at puzzles? >> Yeah. Good. Hit me.

You want a riddle? >> Sure. Can I give him a riddle? >> Yes. Grandfather, his son, and his son, they. go fishing. >> You caught up yet? >> Yeah. >> Okay. On the way home from fishing, they. get in a car accident. The grandfather's son and his son's son. die. >> No. No. That's not what it That's not. what it is. Let me start Let me start. from the top. Let me start from the top. Let me start with the top. You just.

riddled yourself. You know that. >> Grandfather, his son, his son. >> Well, that's why the phrase is riddle me. this. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Grandfather, his son, his son. They go fishing, right? On the. way back, the grandfather grandfather. and his son died. The grandson lives. He's in the operating table at the. hospital. And the surgeon walks in and. says, "I can't operate on this boy. He's. my son. What happened?". >> It's his mother. >> Very good. You're good. Good puzzles. >> The surgeon was his mother. >> Yes. Yeah. That was way too easy.

>> Do you have a riddle for him? >> No, that was that was really. >> easy. >> Yeah, it was easy. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> I don't know if I know any other. >> Oh, yeah. I got one. >> I know where you got that riddle, by the. way. >> What? >> You're going to love this guy. >> Okay. That riddle. came from an episode of All in the. Family. where Archie and Meathead and Little.

Girl and Edith toiled over that one. because back in the 70s. it was always presumed that a surgeon. would be a male. So back in the 70s, that was actually a very difficult. riddle to figure out because people. weren't accustomed to picturing women as. surgeons. >> I know. >> And so many people didn't get that. riddle. And this ain't the 70s anymore. Still. >> All right, guy. I got another one for.

you. >> And if you want to look that one up on. YouTube, the uh riddle with the uh. >> I got another one for you. >> You don't believe me? >> I got another one for Everything Haron. says is fake and wacky like his dad. didn't die by a sailfish. But look it up. on YouTube. All in the family. Doctor. riddle. Surgeon riddle. >> Look it up. >> Wow. That's naturally on in the show. >> I told you that's where it's from. >> Wow. Okay. Well, I was just. >> There it is. And I'm the guy that makes [ __ ] up.

>> Okay. >> How dare you, sir? >> Here's another riddle. >> How dare you? with your nutty little. koala fingers and your chocolate fudge. cluster eyes and your coconut cream pie. pubis. How dare you, sir? >> I apologize. One more riddle before the. we. >> Yes, please. >> There's 100 cows, 28 chickens. How many. didn't? >> How many didn't? >> Yeah, >> cuz it was her mother. There's.

>> 100 cows and 28 chickens. How many. didn't? None. No. priest. No. 80. Why? 28 chickens. 28 chickens. How many didn't? [Laughter]. 28 ate them? 80. He didn't. >> Haron. Thank you for being. >> Thank you for being a bad friend. >> Uh, guys, surprise. I'm not done.

Woo! Yeah! Woo! [Music].