Dangerous DMs | Ep 130 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these. two idiots. white dude i'm an asian dude. you two are disgusting. well you two or something we're bad. friends am i still on camera if i go all. the way this way two different brushes. who just was you can't get no i didn't i. didn't have it and then i took that and. then this morning you know how they come. over you want to talk into the mic so we. can start the show i don't know. and then this morning they had a you. know how they come over. you had a pcr person come over to the. house yeah.

she goes knock knock knock. right i go get out of here right they go. no we're the nurse for the i go okay. come on in you know what i mean. so you do think it's covet no. [Laughter]. yeah i don't think it is by the way but. do you know why who's that coming from. the left field that's juicy juicy that's. juicy and you know what we're gonna say. i know we've gone back and forth over. being able to say juicy or not. i mean you can say it i know but i l. it's just so fun to say juice it's so.

fun to say juices yeah i mean. it's it's a little too sexual though no. we said that but it's not it's if you. make it that way yes look how many. uh juice the movie was amazing look at. him uh type in famous people named about. dry girl. the opposite yeah. dry girl really yeah dry girl yeah oh. yeah all right dry dame i was debating. bringing this up because i don't want to. invite more of this into my dms but at. age 32 i received my first dick pic.

[Applause]. all right let's go over the first dick. pic this is the first dick pic you've. ever gotten yeah oh one this week. yeah i'm sure it's from somebody someone. here. one of our crew members. carlos. universe oh yeah yeah yeah oh a bad. friends fan yeah well i love the bad. it's like it's like the marvel universe. with no powers. wait.

jet ski. no you changed it. yeah i just can't do it i'm going to say. juicy juice until you can come up with. something that you would rather you know. how about just juice but juice sounds. dope just yeah no but here but listen. seriously yeah on this is your first dp. yeah well i don't know if you should. call it that i will. your first dick pic. by the way i've gotten thousands you've. gotten some good ones never got a dick. pic what not one dick pic. well somebody's more popular with the. gay community maybe yeah both of us i.

get so many dick pics you know what's so. funny i get. so many dick pics i was with kim kondo. and yeah i save them. and wine shank you know kongden and wine. chain of course i do right. and i was we're talking about the hot. mail comics. and you were in the group. you're in the group. and i it i i was like you know i mean it. was fight or flight for me. they go dazzle neck i go that makes. sense they go you know i mean a couple. of other guys i got canceled okay that's.

fine right then they go santino. and i went i froze like this i think. that's how i got covered. from freezing yeah yeah freezing from. freezing yeah yeah eric andre this is a. list of names of what sexy funny. uh hot male comedians from 2017. yeah. too late mark maron's on it yeah well. because we know that's not true yeah. yeah. uh all right so so i was on the list. thank you that's great i'm glad i was on. the list anyway were you on the list.

ice cold yeah i'm never on the any list. yeah but i i'm not hot but i am handsome. so i no they said hot yeah yeah oh. that's nice. well can i tell you something what. now that you're single i bet you're. gonna sneak into that list. no yeah you're gonna get hotter i think. you're going to get hotter you've been. in a relationship for too long now. you're going to get hotter now that. you're single yeah but i do it like you. already did exude something the other. night i told you you looked really sexy. the other night. yeah coming from you doesn't feel good. though why because i'm the most honest.

person of all these [ __ ] people these. girls that say you're so funny and sexy. bobby just because they like your talent. they don't know the real you i know the. real you i'm in love with you. i'm in love with you you seem sexy to me. tonight it just doesn't read as well. sure from a random but not one of your. best friends of all [ __ ] time say it. again. you look really sexy today thank you. yeah see you see you bought it a little. bit there thank you a little bit there. all right let's talk let's talk about uh. juices dick pics i do have an idea for.

bobby really quick though yeah what if. we gave him a sexy nickname ooh like. saucy. oh saucy bobby well i mean oh here comes. saucy. yeah. saucy i don't like it okay how about. here comes uh. ooh here comes noodles. oh that's cool i love noodles you're. getting closer. yeah. like how about pungent noodles little. punching noodles. here comes flavor to it oh here comes.

pork chumai yeah pork shoe mic yeah it's. chinese i'm korean wait are you serious. you didn't know that when have you been. korean. imagine if i did think you were chinese. listen if you are sexy we will get you a. good nickname well i let me say this. though just to defend myself you know. what do you mean no one's nothing to. defend i have to okay i have to defend. my honor he loves defending something. that isn't defensible yeah i'm. definitely my honor right now okay okay. i'm on the hill i'm wearing the samurai.

outfit i have my sword you're over the. hill you're 51. i know but there's dead. bodies around me it's in my right this. is what i'm doing okay okay so i'm. defending myself right to the end and i. want to say something. it's been kind of cool. okay there's been signs not that i have. done anything. but there's been signs that. papa. may be back. maybe the phoenix has been reborn do you. want to tell the fans no no nothing. nothing bobby got his groove back.

it's just you know boobies. say what people say dick pic. so. vroom vroom jet ski. i know how hard that is for me it's just. so stupid i hate jet ski at this point. juicy listen jessica sucks jessie sucks. juicy we gave you juicy we blessed you. with that battery yeah yeah yeah yeah. yeah i'm grateful you guys don't know. how powerful you are in one episode. you've changed my name yeah that's right. we did shift it yeah you shifted her. name all right so tell us about the deep.

the dick pic juice i want to know bad. was it good dick pic was a good dick. they're never good no it was alarming i. went into my other messages and it said. you know the image you have to tap on it. to see it yeah and at 32 years old of. not seeing a dick pic i didn't even. think it was a possibility yeah so i was. like let's see what this is. yeah yeah what did you think the image. might be i don't know a funny meme a. funny me funny meme now if there was a. picture of a dick in a funny meme would. that be acceptable that would have i. would have liked that a little bit more.

sure but i don't want any all right yeah. no don't please don't send her if you're. going to send anybody a dick pic send it. to bob he doesn't get anything he's. please send him a dick. now that he's single please send him. dick pics bobby lee live it's it i don't. think they would yeah are they yeah they. will now no no yep i am imploring every. one of our fans to send bobby lee a dick. pic let's count next week how many you. get okay can i say this though and it. doesn't have to be hard by the way if. you're embarrassed and you're camera shy. send him a softie i want soft dicks send.

them some okay only they're good. only soft and if they're tucked if. you're willing to tuck yeah yeah he. loves a tuck. a lot of pubes what kind of dick would. be your preferred hamptons. all right let's see this dick pic from. this guy i just feel like it's it's a. nice size dick yep and i'll be the judge. and he and he just wrote i love you i l. ily. i'll be the judge but the angle of this. is like it's it's like the [ __ ]. empire state building let me see. [Laughter].

i mean it's so so head heavy. he's so that's a big dick. can i tell you something i think that's. the angle it's in portrait mode for sure. that's a good dick dude i think it's. photoshopped can i say something you do. right you think it's photoshopped even. though the dick's good. he's poor yeah you saw his room yeah you. see his room. yeah yeah so when you see his room you. go he's poor so you can't [ __ ] let me. know what i mean. there's like a chicken wing on the bed. like a [ __ ] you man yeah in the. background in the background there's.

yeah. the closet doors are off the thing yeah. he doesn't know how to fold. yeah he's got it it's all it's a mess. like an ied went off on that also if. you're gonna send a dick pic do it so i. can't see the rest of your room i don't. do you know what i mean or like i have. certain size though like you know i have. certain places in my house where i only. do all my zooms. yeah right because i i know where the. best places in my house are right on. zoom right right so this is a cool. wallpaper great photos.

it looks rich of course you know what i. mean but this dude don't give a [ __ ] he. doesn't give a [ __ ] no and if that's. that's probably the best place he could. do it and if that's his best place how. to take the perfect dick pic the guy. that's the guy. from the dick pic yeah. but you have to be i know your boyfriend. i don't want to say his name but you. want me to say his name sure. all right i know your boyfriend very. funny guy so i said the other night oh. cool uh like you don't like it that was. awesome by the way what sorry i'm. tangenting but i hosted potluck for the. first time and bobby was in the back of. the room and i was like bobby where are.

my glasses and where you go up and up. bring up the. to be next it was really special yeah. the impression was okay it needs a. little bit of work but it was good. i thought it was awesome it was super. exaggerated. because yeah because you know she's up. you know right and i'm wearing her. glasses but i'm like she i don't i want. them to know that i'm trying to do her. so i went the other way i got it did you. bring on. hugo galaxy hugo galaxy hugo galaxy yeah. what a [ __ ] name.

one of the newest i had to show my dick. to a doctor yesterday why did you show. him went to the urologist yeah i showed. him some on a picture of a p i put a. picture of a penis over my own penis why. went to the urals to get my balls. checked out see if everything is all. good is this are they see how my. swimmers are are they good. 98 million did you know that 98 million. sperm seems like a lot is that good yeah. he said it was a good number. my discount was high. that's a lot he said he's when they. tested my jizz a normal sperm range for.

15 million to more than 200 million whoa. i was 98 million he said yeah i i'm. afraid 15 million. that sounds low what does that say 39. million per ejaculate is considered low. right i was four times three times that. yeah i wouldn't want to let's test your. sperm no it'll probably go. 150. i i'm just 150 million no no 150. flat yeah. and if that was the case i would just. feel like you know i'm doing something. wrong it's so weird giving sperm dude. it's it's so uncomfortable.

it's the worst you walk in these clinics. they're it's like well lit with with. [ __ ] fluorescent lights and. she they're always mean by the way these. women that work in these places they're. always mean because. are they attractive. [Laughter]. so it's hard to get started. it takes a long time they should make. the girls attractive that's what. i know there's got to be i'm sure. there's got to be something i bet you in. beverly hills there's a high-end place. where they're hot and they just sit in. the room and watch you jerk off yeah. we'll go to the hype they reverse louis. cku yeah yeah yeah um.

honestly. they walk into this room they turn on a. little. a little noise a little white noise. machine yeah which i didn't like i. turned it off what does that do huh what. does that do white noise they want it so. they can't hear you. out in the hallway it's for them. yeah yeah but the rooms are barred off. there it's like in a room in a room in a. room in a room you're like so far from. anybody hearing you are there windows. yeah and there's no blinds no there's no. [ __ ] windows i'll just make sure just.

to make sure my hand just down the. window. overlooking wheelchair if you have one. of those like fb fbi like incarnations. i'm just watching people like coffee. bean like. what i would do is i would look at the. room and go is there any cameras yeah. that'll [ __ ] me up mentally right. there's there is cameras. oh if there was even like you look at. our ceiling see those little gaps those. are cameras i would have to get up into. those [ __ ] crevices. i'm about to blow your mind right now. good. these are all cameras oh that's a camera.

that's a camera that's a camera. these are all cameras wow you're. unplugged. no so i had to go in this room they have. a tv in there. with a. tv stand with dvds. for porno can you bring your own you. bring your i brought my phone can you. bring your ipad see i thought about. bringing an ipad but i thought that's. way too much yeah it seems like a lot. right because they're they already know. you're jerking off in there which is. already embarrassing there's no way i.

could do it with their catalog no no an. iphone my iphone you know oh i thought. you said that i had to do their kind of. oh you're going through like no plus i. had seen all the ones that they had had. urban chicks 1998 you know bangkok [ __ ]. you know you know i'm like going through. the [ __ ] fire like none of this urban. checks. 1998. uh no it's it's you bring your. phone in there but i did think about. bringing an ipad and i thought it's. already a weird embarrassing thing they. know you're going to jerk off and you're. like an ipad just seems gratuitous i.

would have to bring my suction machine. you the suck 9000 or whatever it's. called i have one i know that. yeah that's the only way i can do it now. you you can't just regular because it. has two. great options yeah right it has didn't. we buy it for you we bought it i bought. a new brand new one you bought another. one yeah i i i spent top dollar yeah. they automatic suck right right it has. sucking and vibration right whoa you can. do combination and then you do release. you can release the air right so it's. just like you're there right.

it hurts kind of it sucks it i don't. think it's supposed to hurt bud. i make it hurt yeah i think it is i. think he likes it. you put it on her i think i thought yeah. there was a lot of little pain. yeah. right yeah so could i bring that machine. in uh sure yeah yeah you can i mean. there's no rules but i just felt like. but i had to bring in my phone and it. would i couldn't i wanted to bring my. ipad because my ipad has a stand ah my. phone i have to hold.

right yeah and also i put it on the. counter i tried but it fell so i just. it was it's it's uncomfortable already. they put stuff all over these chairs and. they dim the light. and. it stinks of course i brought headphones. because boy. what do you mean you're bringing. headphones why you listen to music. yeah i'm listening to [ __ ] radiohead. while i jerk off oh you want to listen. to the. yeah. oh i don't want to hear the i don't ever. listen what yeah are you a serial killer.

you watch porn on silent yeah that's. disgusting. he does his own soundtrack. no because and here's where you'd go. the reason why i do. is because. jules is in the next room we'll put on. headphones. yeah but then i have the machine it's. it's the whole thing. so she hears whoa. let's hear that yeah yeah she's like he. vacuums a lot so much. hey what does that say that kanye. watches porn on silent he refuses kanye. refuses to listen to porn yeah i think.

that's a thing i've never watched porn. with the sound on yeah i think that's a. thing yeah he's a he's a [ __ ] loose. goose upstairs and i am a lucy goose we. know that's something you share yeah. yeah it's uncomfortable too because you. have to fill out a sheet of paper. that says. what what did it say i live with my mom. in high school then i live with my. mother-in-law chris jenner's house the. kids next door and stuff. what if this is such a sad he's such a. sad reality your house is his house is. 50 000 square feet find a wing to jerk.

often or jerk off in the bathroom. anyway does your boy you ever catch your. boyfriend jerking off never. so he doesn't drink off i've never. caught him what do you mean he's jerking. off right now while she's here oh that's. right he's like i love that you have. that job yeah yeah go do that podcast. but does he he is at work right now. which doesn't mean he's not jerking off. yeah that's what do you think everybody. is he one of those guys that's like i. don't ever jerk off you know you've. heard these guys yeah which is insane no. i've asked him before because i've never. seen him do it and then what do you say. he's like yeah of course he does yeah.

you you jerk off yeah yeah you use a. machine i'm 32. i get it yeah yeah yeah oh do you have. machines and toys yeah i'm 32. yeah yeah. does he have machines and toys not that. i know of no you would know by now you'd. find it because guys machines are so big. they're so big they're like they're. cumbersome yeah they're so hard to hide. you can go it's a humidifier. yeah. i mean they just make it look like other. things turning that on at night. like it's the loudest humidifier like it. should look like a lava lamp it's a lava.

lamp i'm from the 70s and by the way the. lava flowing around your penis oh that'd. be cool so cool your dick is up there. and the [ __ ]. i'm on the planet pandora you know i. mean that'd be great it's uncomfortable. to come in a cup it's impossible to come. in a cup and you have to come in a cup. and then you have to write on the cup. and you have to write did everything get. in and what the time that you jerked off. oh my god and then when you're done. you put it in a little booth and then. they make you sit there. it's so funny it's like almost like. punishment they like do you leave the. room then you sit outside of the room.

and wait for them to say it's okay to go. is there what do you mean do you stick. it through a door and then they pick it. up yeah like a little window yeah like. either yeah exactly like if you were. pissed in a cup for a piss test yeah. yeah maybe you could put in a little. door same thing and then they make you. sit there like a weirdo while you sit. you see another guy like. hey like it's weird to see another guy. who also just jerked off you know what i. do i shift through the [ __ ] hazard. trash bin. you touch the hazard trash bin. i have to know what's in there you. that's probably why you're sick. when it's red like a red bag and it has.

a hazard thing yeah when it says i open. it up like it's a christmas gift. needle's in it yeah yeah and i just go. through it you know i mean. that's the one let's get one about let's. get bobby one of those because you see. interesting stuff in there yeah like. needles blood yeah. [Music]. and you know what you used babel when. you went to italy. and you really had a good time used it. babel is a language learning app that. sold more than 10 million subscriptions. thanks to babel's addictively fun and. easy bite-sized language lessons there's. still time to learn a new language.

before you reach your destination so. easy to learn. because babel's a language learning app. and it's 10 minutes to complete a lesson. so you can start having real-life. conversations a new language is as. little as three weeks which is pretty. impressive in other language apps i. don't know if you knew this andrew but. um they use ai yeah right for their. lesson plans but babel lessons are. created by over 150 language experts. real humans real people babel you can. choose from 14 different languages. including spanish french italian and. german their speech recognition.

technology helps you improve your. pronunciation and your accent. right now save up to 60. off your subscription when you go to. babble.com bad friends that is babble. b-a-b-b-e-l dot com bad friends for up. to 60 off your subscription babble. language for life now a word from our. sponsor better help better help um i. just got a message from somebody on. facebook and they said you. they went on better help because of our. ad i love that and they said that she's.

a dj and she goes it changed my life. honestly here's the deal we're big. proponents of mental health awareness on. this show that is truthful we love to. make jokes a mess around but we also bob. and i both take care of our brains. because we speak to people i think it's. helpful no matter who you are where. you're from what you do i think uh if. you take care of your brain the way you. take care of everything else in your. life uh you'll you'll find that it is. very rewarding now you might ask what is. better help it is online therapy that. offers video phone and even live chat. only therapy sessions so you don't have. to see anyone on camera if you don't.

want to and it's more affordable that. in-person therapy you can be matched. with a therapist in under 48 hours. here's the reason that i think that i. love it so much genuinely i like doing. it from the comfort of my own home i. don't want to get in my car and i don't. want to drive anywhere and sit in an. office and be uncomfortable better help. is uh amazing they've done a great job. so far so why not check them out our. listeners are going to get 10 off their. first month at betterhelp.com. bad friends that's better help dot com. slash bad friends. speaking of oh my god speaking of blood.

or something nega like that i know what. you're gonna say huh. the breast lawson car accident oh my god. you're gonna bring it up it's it's. heartbreak do you know about this this. woman was going like a hundred and ten. through blood right through. this video it is so brutal can you want. to show it or not. so what happened was juice this girl is. going 110 drunk drunk yeah well totally. [ __ ] up yeah and goes through not only. just an intersection but smashes into. like a bunch of different cars and. people and then almost hits a gas.

station it could have. could have been watch watch it look at. this. watch how fast this girl comes flying. through here. whoa. whoa six people died. instantaneously a pregnant a couple with. their baby look at right now watch this. again here it comes. i mean the sheer speed. oh my god. oh my god and that's a gas station and. she's can you believe that didn't light. anything on fire at the gas station yeah.

by the way bad plug for united oil. already my least favorite casting yeah. and she. she survived she lived oh my god right. she was out like on the side of the road. like what's going on and it's like. oh what a disaster why do they always. live. they always live she's [ __ ] up yeah. yeah but i mean they always live i you. know my grandmother once was like that's. that's god's punishing them they have to. live with the pain instead of just dying. and getting freedom and i was like. i i think it's just when you're drunk. you're more loose and your muscles don't.

tense and you're more likely to just. flip and roll and not die yeah that's. usually what they say but it's like i've. been on that road. oh my god what do you mean i've got. thousands of thousands. i've been in that intersection it. happened so fast your life you're gone. instantaneously that's scary yeah yeah i. do i do think about how. i i take for granted how how much we. drive in la and how. i don't really think about it i'm never. thinking about it i'm never think but. honestly la accidents. constantly constantly there's accidents. in this city yeah so you never think.

about it you're just driving along it's. like those people those [ __ ] poor. people what did that say there were what. 52 000 car accidents in la and just in. 2015 that's an average of one person. killed in la by traffic accidents every. 40 hours every two days someone gets. someone gets gone in la yeah and that's. also 16 or six years ago. oh my god updated that's insane can you. imagine that [ __ ] the shift during covid. how much they it's. 150 crashes a day.

that's so many. yeah i mean it's like you know what does. that say. 79 asian why is that why is that on. there. why would they list that statistic. that's not okay. what website is that. what's this all set up we're not bad. drivers we just drive slow i didn't say. anything we're not in that omegle law. said that yeah yeah yeah yeah. we just drive really slow omega law. that's what that is that's like one of. those one of those law billboards that. you see.

that's like you want to butt [ __ ] your. case in the ass. you got a call. mike and kev it's always two like tough. guy looking bros i i cannot believe. these guys these attorney those. attorneys make money those [ __ ]. ambulance chaser attorneys yeah they do. though no they make a [ __ ] look do you. guys get road rage. i you know what's so funny you've never. been in the car with me i used to yeah. and then you get oh you got so over it. now couldn't care less yeah it's all. [ __ ] every time i drive i don't even. think about it anymore i'm so bia when i.

first moved here i couldn't comprehend. how atrocious people drove here it blew. my mind and then. years into it you're like i have a. solution. you want to hear my solution of course. yeah. all the cars should be interconnected in. terms of talking to each other. right autonomous vehicles so every ev. they're all so we don't drive at all. anymore they can't no i'm driving no we. can talk to each other so i can press a. button what are you doing. what are you doing. what do you mean.

put on your blinker it's broken. how old are you. 12. oh. and they call the cops. yeah what are the cops going to do. nothing yeah l.a. yeah maybe that's not good we're busy. yeah yeah. do you know how many black people we. have to just search randomly we're busy. no dude you know what talking to people. in the car i think that we should all. have scrolling led screens. what does that mean you know like an led. screen that projects something then you. just say something into it and it would.

just say like go [ __ ] yourself so if you. guy cuts you off you can just put it up. and it just is rotating on your car i. want one of those these are just. augmented ways of road rage though. that's right they're safe you're right. you're right right you're right but. we're not i don't have a gun i'm not. going up to [ __ ] kill someone but i. do want to say to people sometimes [ __ ]. you but have you ever done this like. like someone cut you off and then you. speed up to see what they look like i. have to know what they look like you. know what they look like. asian what. what what what do they look like no it's. always like a white dude right it's. always a white tube yeah yeah wearing a.

trucker cap it's always a white dude in. the truck yeah right and shaved off you. know the. sleeves are cut off yeah yeah yeah yeah. a lot of white trucker a lot of white. guys with shave. trucker hats in l.a right and you go and. you and then. if they look tougher than you you go. donald trump. donald trump cut me off in traffic one. time whoa whoa yeah happy. he was. it was tight though yeah. i love him dude i was like love you dog. you know i let him go he was fine he was. on a motorcycle. so there's this movie my brother.

recommended to me and he go it's the. same guy that directed ex mccanna ex. machina do you see that. great movie right yeah he did a new. movie called men. right i love them and my brother my. brothers for two months i saw it in the. theater you gotta watch it you got every. [ __ ] day it's a horror film yeah. i don't know what it is dude. all i know it looks like a [ __ ] if. it's a comedy they're they're not. advertising well. [Laughter]. that looks good yeah but let me tell you.

something dude. it's so weird that i couldn't finish it. weird as in like like it's not oh it's. an a24 again another bad yeah yeah. another banger it's so weird i couldn't. finish it who's in it can we get back to. the cast yeah you don't know anyone. that's in that that's cool i like that. yeah yeah actually can i be honest with. you pretty [ __ ] scary. like you did freak out but not in a way. where it's like you know you went to. conjuring there's like. there's like you know um what do you. call it um. jump scares. yeah they don't have any of that yeah i.

hate them when they do that on the. internet. i mean i'll just kind of just tell you. when something's coming and then a. baseball flies to the screen you're like. don't do i just tell you see the first. scary scene you're not going to see it. well say spoiler alert to the fans. when you do this spoiler alert spoiler. alert right it's called men so she this. woman she loses she her husband kills. himself. right big spoiler by the way in the. beginning of the movie opens it with it. right right how is that a spoiler i'm. just saying yeah yeah. sometimes the spoiler is a little bit.

light this is that one's right on it. it's like you're giving away a big piece. well i can't explain this next part guy. kills himself go ahead okay. so she decides to go to a small english. town and get away. she rents a house. and you know they're like you know it's. it's very like rural. right she goes on a little hike. and then she sees a tunnel. right she goes in the tunnel. and it's one of those tunnels where you. can see the end you see there's a little. light right. and she goes.

and then the tunnel goes. right there's an echo that's right. and she kind of echoes and makes a song. almost. and all of a sudden at the end of the. [ __ ] tunnel you see a man just stand. up. and he's completely naked. and he just starts walking towards her. right is he hard is he hard no. big dick though yeah and then she's in. her she escapes right she runs away she. runs away from him and she's like. sitting there talking to a friend and. the guy is just.

picking fruit. naked you know what i mean in the front. of the lot what kind of fruit. why does it matter it's important yeah. it makes a difference yeah it is it does. was it like an apple tree oh it's a. peach tree peach love a good pizza. by the way right yeah if you're gonna be. naked and pick something peaches are. pretty clutch yeah yeah. and then he just comes with the window. and stares at her like this still naked. yes completely naked.

and i stopped. why that sound that sounds like it's. about to get good yeah i don't know what. happens after that but it's like way too. much dick for me that's how i felt when. i got that pig yeah too much that's why. i brought it up by the way if he if what. if he had his [ __ ] through a peach would. that be funny. see see. he says yes yeah yeah that's it. yeah and she runs her that's a big. [ __ ] tunnel holy [ __ ] by the way i. got in a youtube wormhole watching cave. uh uh or maybe it's tick-tock cave um. people that go through like they they go.

into those like little caves they do. cave uh digging or whatever. dude it gave me the worst claustrophobic. i'm watching it and i'm freaking out. these guys go through the tiniest caves. their bodies underwater right no no no. no this is just they'll see a cave in a. [ __ ] mountain yeah and they'll start. they'll just go into a hole and then go. as far as they can go. it's it's. caving it's in it's [ __ ] insane. there's a guy look at how [ __ ] yeah. yeah it grossed me dude i kept i. couldn't stop watching it i was on the. [ __ ] what are you gonna find.

i don't know another dead guy who did. the same thing that they did. yeah i mean you should i don't know what. if that's like that like what do you. find there like a gold nugget. look up look at father and son caving. yeah maybe it was tick tock i think it. was youtube or tic tac but these two. they go together and it was [ __ ] me. up dude i was like like i would do it if. they said like no. sometimes they find diamonds sure yeah. i know i'm just saying if that was the. case yeah i might try it they just love. the idea of of of going through these.

little tiny holes and they want to see. and they map it out so they'll draw. while they're doing it what it's like. for other people and they leave like. they leave stuff planted so other people. know they were there and [ __ ]. it's insane i couldn't stop watching. when men do that it has something to do. with their mother. to getting getting away from some or. going back into the birthday trying to. go back. maybe yeah some psychological thing. because i have no urge to go back inside. my mother that was a dank place i got a. nurse to go inside your mother oh yeah.

that was an awful place the dank isn't. good dad yeah i like it dark and well. maybe that is a very like uh. maybe that is a calling back to like. wanting to go back to like being in this. these weird uh fetal positions and. climbing slow and having to like. morph your body through that's the only. explanation in my head i guess yeah yeah. but some people just like. daredevil [ __ ] because it's risky as. [ __ ] it's risky as [ __ ] you can easily. get stuck and die.

they found a planet in our in our galaxy. that. the mountains are made out of diamonds. let's go i know that's what i'm saying. so what are we [ __ ] doing so i would. risk that i go uh. okay let's try it let's die there yeah. yeah yeah i'd rather die there there was. some scientists by the way what is that. 55 uh can creed the rocky world knows. twice the size zero that has eight times. the mass it's a super earth a diamond. rich planet wow yeah let's [ __ ] i. want to go there let's go we don't tell. anybody well yeah well we just told like.

well you us three go okay all right we. love you guys don't tell anybody we told. a hat a million people right now okay. okay so let's say elon musk let's see. elon musk goes. we can get there. i don't know how we're gonna get back i. mean i we you know i mean but we can get. there i think i can help you get there. yeah yeah yeah would you go. i may i'd have to think about it because. what because what are we gonna go get. all the diamonds and then die there yes. get the diamonds and die that's the. point of life yeah you want to be like.

smog from [ __ ] you know what i mean. die in a bunch of gold coins like mount. doom you know i think it's a great idea. but who would get more diamonds it i. wouldn't even count at that point. because it's like i'm not gonna go wow. he has just two satchels you know i mean. i'm gonna compare bags i feel like you. would though. can you imagine we get all the way there. and none of us brought a bag. and we're like [ __ ] yeah i thought.

[Laughter]. yeah yeah you'd be my bag. bobby i just got it i would do it though. but if i had to carry your diamonds. through my [ __ ] i get 60. oh that's fine okay i don't care because. i'm doing the lug lugging by the way i'm. not doing it for the diamonds i'm doing. it just to see putting stuff in your. [ __ ] that's all i really want because. if we can make it back. if we're making it back yeah. but can i tell you what me and juice.

might do what we might kill you and then. just take the diamonds from you. and then it's no longer i've always. known that about you yeah yeah yeah. you'd do the same to me. because like in darkness because you'd. do the same to me remember in the dark. knight because you would do the same to. me well they keep killing each other in. the beginning when they're robbing the. [ __ ] course yeah. don't do that. we'd have to make a pact okay you know. it would be fun sign a contract hey it'd. be fun to tickle him. if we tickled bobby and the diamonds. just kind of fell out. yeah oh it's going to take us 40 light. years to get there.

yeah that's not bad though bobby doesn't. have that much time yeah i don't have. that much time i'm 50. we do yeah we're. good what about this though. let me ask you something yeah so let's. let's put something else on the planet. what else is up there yeah yeah so [ __ ]. the diamonds right diamonds are gone. yeah what if it was like um. [Music]. just all women mm-hmm they're all top. ten women top ten yeah. top ten and only fans so the top ten and. only five yeah yeah yeah yeah they're. just like top-notch top-notch right. and um they don't speak.

they don't have mouths no no mouths no. but everything else looks the same as a. human yes okay. they have three breasts. three tits yeah yeah so no mouth three. tits yeah yeah. and they um they have a little bit not a. full one. but a little like a little unicorn. horn coming out sexy pretty hot sexy. yeah it's sexy yeah yeah. and they're they're kind of cross-eyed. too why are they crossing why did you do. this because i'll tell you why because.

they're always looking at things they're. staring at the horn. right so they're kind of little. cross-eyed okay right and just just the. perfect vaginas. you did this. perfect vagina this is perfect yeah. perfect. right. would you take a trip up there with me. no. i don't i want to have conversations. with these women. they can oh yeah me too. but i would learn. i would learn sign language or the way. they communicate okay how about this. though yeah here's the trick there's got. to be there's got to be something bad. i'm not a shallow there's got to be. something hey there's got to be.

something bad one of the tits. if you suck on it will detonate. like an ied. yeah like a a roadside bomb right so. they're land mines they're tit mines. let's make it different one of the tits. has like one of tits will look cyanide. well the tits are like no the t yeah the. tits are like um shishito peppers you. know like one of them's gonna be hot out. of a batch well i won't suck on them. then if you touch them at all you say. that now yeah you say that now you're. gonna want to suck some tits especially. if there's three right so it's the first. time well it would be like you'd be like.

dear hunter. you'll be like dear hunter. well what about for juice for juice. there's a planet where there's a guy who. has uh two dicks one for your butt one. for your poos and he also has a dick. on his face so it's one for your mouth. so he's the three dick guy interested. and he's the best joke writer. is guaranteed to work on stage it. crushes it so you can get back on the.

right so you have the two dicks right. three dicks three dicks really one right. mouth one for your mouth right. and you meet so you're gonna have great. sexual satisfaction yeah right but. you're also going to come back with an. hour a new hour a new hour of material. what do you think you know what i like. yeah but it's going to take you 10 years. to get there and back. you know who i kind of had a crush on. and i haven't in a long time you guys. see this wrestler it was he was at the. store recently like king ryan. i think i don't know who that is no ryan. garcia was at the store the other night.

though do you know who that is i think. that is that the boxer i think that. might be the kid ryan garcia is that who. you're talking about this kid yeah he. was at the store oh you like him if. there was a planet full of these guys. yeah oh so that guy he's good looking. yeah yeah he's real that's the guy he. was at the store the other night and. [ __ ] jacked yeah really there's not. an ounce of fat on that kid it's all i. mean he's not a big person he's a. smaller guy but there isn't an ounce of. fat on that [ __ ] kid it's no it's. insane tight is the top you've never. seen his hands how fast this kid is no i.

don't show a video of this [ __ ] kid. it's insane. he's so fast he doesn't have to be funny. he doesn't no can we tell you something. you know he's not funny yeah and he's. too good at something else you can't be. you can't be that good at boxing and be. very funny and if he's that good-looking. boxing and funny we would kill him we. kill him yeah we could kill him. how would you guys kill it with this guy. we shoot him with a gun. the old-school way. like an american. look at this kid. imagine he's oh i want to watch him on.

youtube. you should he's so fast so good his. hands are just so quick. oh that's a body shot baby yeah he was. so planted to those guys and you're good. what if he has no dicks. no dicks no dick but it's [ __ ] good. yeah. yeah. and it takes 40 light years. 10 10 10 10 10. five there five back. okay then yeah yeah all right i could. pack a bag. bring some toys if you could go if you. really look if they open it up they.

already are going to open up space. travel. would you go. yeah i would go even if they say there's. a planet out there that has the same. atmosphere as earth right what if it's. 50 50 risk of coming back that's fine. but they say we don't know what's there. we don't know if there's humanoids we. don't we just know there's vegetation. and because there's atmosphere and. oxygen all that stuff. i might do it. would you do it juice. i think i would i feel like we people. talked about this with the planes right. but 50 chance of coming back if they.

give you if they said half people don't. make it. well make it there or when they get make. it back don't come back they can't come. back do you die on the planet or just. stay there they're not going to tell you. what happens you just have 50 don't get. back but they don't die that did they. they don't say that i would have liked. those questions likelihood is high that. they're going to die. not enough resources can i ask how they. died unfortunately we're not we're not. allowed to tell you. really that's part of our oh so did i. land on the planet and this is [ __ ]. 50 foot [ __ ] black dude with a big. dick.

and chasing you and then i get [ __ ] to. death so you know about your mall. i know about the jamal plan you're aware. about your planet yeah yeah it's his. planet yeah. yeah you know but you know what i'm. tired of going on a vacation and not. knowing what to do. right and then you go to these kiosks or. these things that they sell you don't. know what they are right scams scams. always a scam but with viator you know. what what is viator is the world's. leading travel experience marketplace. offering everything from simple tours to.

extreme adventures and all the niche. interesting stuff in between yeah they. put that critical combination of extent. of extensive options ease of selection. flexibility at your fingertips to ensure. your time is wonderfully spent viator is. the place to go to book experience that. will create long lasting memories i was. just overseas viator helped thank you so. much uh traveling around europe you may. not know where to go what to do they. give you a bevy of options. over 300 000 bookable experiences to. choose from in over 190 countries andrew.

so many countries that's not so many if. you went to all those countries viator. would be there to help you find out what. you got going on download the vider app. now and all you got to do is use the. code viator 10 for 10 off your first. booking inviter's world of wonderful. experiences viator one site over 300 000. experiences you'll remember. trojan bear skin raw enables you to get. closer and experience everything this is.

like the um the michael jordan of. of condoms yeah they really they are the. greatest ones yeah they're the best of. all time i use them all you use i'll use. them all my thoughts brought my life. i've used them all let me tell you. something gotta put you gotta put a bag. on your little guy trojan bearskin raw. lets me feel closer to my partner it's. america's thinnest latex condom thinner. more natural fields triple tested all. right for trojan quality three times. they didn't test it once they tested it. three times it doesn't mean that they. use the condom before you it just means. they test it. it's made from premium quality latex to.

help reduce the risk of pregnancy and. stis you don't want to get those. children embraces people of diverse. backgrounds men and women should play. equal parts of making responsible sexual. health decisions such as introducing. condoms to the relationship and using. condoms consistently. i really don't do love trojan it's my. favorite um it's the best brand what. else do you know it's the best one and. trojan bearskin raw is available at. major retailers nationwide buy a pack. today experience raw baby trojan bear. skin raw as raw as it gets.

and i've never been skydiving. but it's really safe though yeah you got. it you've done it no i don't think i'd. do it but you gotta do it okay right eye. you got it why wouldn't you do it it's. scary it's terrifying see i'm not scared. of it i just feel like something is. gonna go wrong yeah i'm not like afraid. of the plane of jumping out i'm like i. know i'll be the [ __ ] guy. who who they're like the shoots [ __ ]. up and i'm like what like i know that'll. be me because there's two things that. happen right there's two shoots there's.

the main shoot and the emergency shield. correct and then right. like if i do the main shoot and it. doesn't work. the biggest fear. is when the second shoot doesn't work. that's when it all pops in especially. because i just saw that video that came. out of that guy there was a video that. went oh what does this say. uh the lowest on record 10 fatalities. last year 10 people died out of how many. jumps 100 000 jumps. yeah 10 of 100 000 is is that's enough. that's enough to [ __ ] me up yeah it'd. have to be one of a hundred thousand no.

it'd have to be none. none i don't want it to happen it's like. commercial airlines it's like yeah but. roller coasters has like. there's got to be fatalities on roller. coasters right on roller coasters more. in a car which you get in every day i. know what do we talk about today no but. the difference of roller coasters is. roller coasters are running all day. every day these 100 000 jumps is not a. lot i guarantee you there's about. probably 20 million roller coaster rides. happening right okay. the mount is insane. but but also there's that video of that.

guy the skydiver guy just happened. his [ __ ]. shoot opened got tangled the emergency. chute got tangled in the tangled shoot. and he almost died but it came out at. the last second. this is a scary episode yeah a little. bit. dick pics and death from from the sky. yeah oh my god look at that that'll be. me that's the guy oh my god. no it opens at like the last second. this is it. yeah oh [ __ ] he's in it he's [ __ ]. inside of it stomach flipped.

oh my god oh my god oh my god and then. so that's the red one that's the. emergency one that he throws behind it. see the red one buying it behind him. that's the other one and that ain't. opening neither. oh my god. oh my god oh my god. oh my god. also to die tangled you're tangled in. your diet well i don't think the. tangling is that much of an issue yeah. that's saying no no no i'm. last second. lucky son of a [ __ ]. this lucky son of a [ __ ] go play the. lottery.

go play the [ __ ] yeah speaking of. which lottery was won by illinois one of. my people do you think he'd do that. again. he'll probably do it again yeah yeah i. watched one of those things about. wingsuit guys yeah those [ __ ] psychos. yeah they do it all the time their. friends die constantly i watched a. documentary on netflix i don't remember. the name of it the wingsuit guy one of. his friends they were wingsuiting in a. canyon of a ski of a ski resort and he. missed a gondola by a foot. one people were inside of it this guy. missed a gondola by one [ __ ] foot.

bobby and when they got down he was like. they were shaking and he was like dude i. i i. couldn't control myself he's like i. almost hit the gondola and if he hit the. gondola not only would he would have. died people inside it because it would. have. exploded yeah yeah yeah. my god these wingsuit guys are nuts but. they do it they all do it they all. [ __ ] do it but what if it's the. greatest experience. i don't like we don't know i don't know. if it's genuine i don't know it might be. better than sex no. no way how do you know.

there's just no way because maybe like. how about would you have let me talk. with this. it can't be better than coffee if one. person out of every 100 people have sex. however. one person every. what i mean one out of 100 people die. when they have sex we do have sex. one out of a hundred yeah. yeah probably. yeah i probably would yeah me too yeah. how about this i'd rather i'd rather die. having sex than jump out of an airplane.

yeah it's like you know that's. that drug ice it must be like that right. it's like ice is meth right right yeah. it's like one out of every 50 people die. no something crazy like that well. [ __ ] is my the annual instance of. sudden cardiovascular deaths heart. attacks sexual activity so 0.2 out of. every hundred thousand men. yeah that's why now would you be okay. how about this though yeah. if you do die [ __ ]. it doesn't happen while you're [ __ ]. it happens right when you finish. well that's nice see what i mean i'd. rather that i'd rather have it.

yeah what are you having to write before. you finish would be the worst i wouldn't. do it though there's people that die. while they're [ __ ] in the middle of. [ __ ] didn't isn't that there's not. like a isn't there like an old rumor. that matthew mcconaughey's dad died. while he was [ __ ] i think he talked. about it one time. but it sounds like a thing that he would. want to be true anyway yeah yeah yeah. while he was [ __ ] man that's why i. named my company just keep living dude. yeah matthew mckinney says his dad died. while having sex and they and apparently. they rolled him out to the street with. his and his [ __ ] was still hard when he. died imagine the one that was the room.

the trauma. on the for the woman yeah why is your. poor man uh john why is your dick cold. [Laughter]. can you imagine though. [ __ ] dying while you're [ __ ]. well there's that's the way to go see. you say that but no it's not what is. then they cart you out naked and your. your little limp penis nate i mean it's.

just weird and you the the face. no way we do dig hard. and your family gets to the to the. [ __ ] mortician and they're like. can we see the body and they see it and. they're like you didn't fix the face. like we can't yeah yeah. so the viewing everyone's like go say. your go say your buys and you're just. they're like no that doesn't make to put. a spider-man [ __ ] thing on my face. shooting jizz west. [Laughter]. yeah i don't know i don't think i could. ever i just i i'm not it's not that i've.

gotten more risk-averse as i've gotten. older for stuff like that yeah i just. never have been into it i'm always like. why i don't know i don't feel like. jumping out of a [ __ ] plane about. dying on stage. you know i thought about that when i saw. what's her name fall and hit her [ __ ]. head really hard on that video oh yeah. what was what was her name why can't i. think of mcdonald huh heather mcdonald. yeah heather macdonald she did yeah she. smoked her head she passed out from. covid oh yeah i remember that i remember. the same thing yeah. i guess when that was happening i had a. little moment of.

yeah i'm okay dying on stage as long as. it's like a good stage. oh yeah. i don't know but mike yeah i don't feel. like [ __ ] one day open mic at the store. with you hosting with three minutes. there's no way no way sorry. how's it going. i just want to die if you died on a cool. stage i'd be fine you're like drag me to. the main room yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i. meant you're in the belly room and. you're like push me down the stairs. all the way down at least die in the. hallway where would you want to die at. the store.

main road on the stage of the main room. yeah i'd want to die in the green room. right before i go on. why to haunt it. oh yeah with gus that place is already. haunted yeah so it's like why not be. another ghost yeah did has gus ever. close the door on you i've seen his face. but not his but. he's never do you know about this the. ghost in the main room. i've heard about ghosts but i haven't. heard a gus what yeah. but main room green room specifically. yeah that that to me because i spent a. lot of time there with kiltoni and stuff. and i feel the most presents because i.

used to get there first before anybody. and just play my trumpet in there and i. could like feel people like listening do. you know the old okay so you know in the. main room where you know the double. doors for the bathroom you know it's. like it's like swing doors. i'm not kidding ron funches had left. yeah ron funches had left. and i was sitting there on my phone. and. nobody. could have been nobody was in there it's. not like he had been in the bathroom we. were sitting on the couch together. and i'm not kidding yeah. like he already left ron did is i was in.

there alone and i was like the belly. room is dark. no this is the main room okay my bad oh. you're talking about. i know what you're doing nothing uh-huh. i'm just investigating. i'm just investigative journalism. but i heard those swinging doors swing. and it [ __ ] gave me the biggest. creeps and i went up there and i looked. in there i just gave me the [ __ ]. creeps yeah i've been in there multiple. times and felt weird [ __ ] [ __ ] in. there pete gray. what. you don't know the story of pete gray no.

oh my god do you know pete gray. i know the tall whites. no. yeah you're part of them so pete gray. used to be a. doorman there and a phone he did the. phones with me back in the day. and he performed in the belly room one. night. that's him. that's peter gray that's jim carrey yeah. that's okay yeah yeah that peter gray. doesn't matter yeah i think that's.

something i think that's him i want to. hear it yeah and anyway um he he does a. sit in the belly room. and he's walking down from the belly. room to the green room now i'm sitting. in the green room. right. and i look away and i look at pete and. he's his spine broke. what yeah and he slammed his head on. that ceiling on what ceiling it in the. hallway. oh [ __ ] right like he hit it yeah he. said i was levitated up and i hit my. stink yeah he had to get surgery and.

[ __ ] and then he got addicted to drugs. from the surgeries and he never did. comedy again. shut the [ __ ] up. peter gray pete gray whoa. let's get him on the show i don't know. where he is i haven't seen him since. then he doesn't want to be anywhere near. the comedy store i don't know and i. think he sued the store. wow and he got he got some money. how much i don't know let's guess. comedy store yeah three dollars.

i mean because back then it was back. when the comedy store was on the verge. of closing it was so close it was so. close to closing because there's no. customers. that um but i remember he got i didn't. see it. but he did lev because you know how high. that [ __ ] hallway is yeah and he's. not that much taller than i am and he. broke his spine whoa. tell me some other freaky [ __ ] that you. saw when you go play the in the trumpet. in the main room by yourself i i don't. see have you heard the piano. i've heard that from multiple people.

they can hear the people yeah i've heard. from other people the piano i always. feel good though i feel like i feel like. there's a presence there but it always. feels good to me like it feels like. happy spirits or like happy spirits yeah. that's because what you allude what you. exude is happy spirits maybe you get. good ghosts. no. you get bad ghosts eh. this ghost breaks fine. no have you. have you. ever been in mitzi's office. i usually take people in there all the. time when i had a friend in from out of.

town used to be able to jerry-rig the. door and go in there and just because i. was i loved how creepy it was if you've. never been up there have you no they. locked it years ago you used to be able. to get in there and you could see all. the [ __ ] on her desk was still there. they left everything in that office i. mean i don't know what it looks like now. but yeah so you've been in there i used. to go all the time i've never been in. there i used to break in you used to. break in 100 because i i would get drunk. i would and guess if i had like friends. in town i would always take them up. there and then tell them creepy [ __ ]. stories and they would get so [ __ ]. lit up because she used to clean that. room every year yeah with a exorcist.

yeah they would well they would yeah. what's that called uh like a medium it's. like a cleansing no they do like a. [ __ ] whole client it's like a whole. ceremony a ritual yeah. to get the spirits out wow her office. was also. maybe i'm wrong but. her office was also where the mob office. was where the back thing was to get the. bodies out and all right right because. you know it was an old mob yeah yeah. that's [ __ ]. i've talked about the seance i saw. mm-hmm yeah yeah.

the seance i think we should get i think. we should get a psychic to come on the. show would you get would you be cool. with that i love it have you ever done a. psychic before yeah yeah card readings. or what did you do. well. i grew up half wicket i don't know if. you guys ever knew that. my dad's wicked we gotta go i know i. just we gotta go. we gotta get out of here sorry like the. [ __ ] that sounds like a movie she is. wait so your dad was a wiccan yeah my. dad and stepmom are awakened my my.

grandma's super christian my aunt's. catholic who raised you. everybody. we're doing it right now oh that's a. wicker man okay i thought yeah oh yeah. it's different thing totally different. that was what that's that's what burning. man was based. it's not like satan worship it's very. positive religion like and uh and yeah. so like we would do so any time we moved. into a new house and we moved a lot we'd. do the sage. get all the bad spirits out so give me. give me everything about wiccan i'm so. [ __ ] i might want to join i've always.

wanted to join a religion so they're. affirmative is it expensive to be a. wiccan no it's probably the most like. free accepting religion great great i. love it okay we're two gay couples right. and you're you're you have a wiccan. church you mean we have one game yeah. wait where's your party yeah no we're a. gay couple we have other partners. we're cheating on those them with us. we're looking for a new religion yeah i. mean we've been ostracized from the. catholic church obviously right. obviously and you have a and you know. about the wiccans right so we're coming. into your church you're the pr is there. a priest uh there's a priest and a.

priestess are you a priestess. they're both of them yeah so i'm one uh. i'm jack and i'm bruno hi hi hi. so um hey so um. tell us about the week in religion. well if you guys want to do it time out. why do we have to be gay we could have. just been us that's true yeah yeah i. like that you're gay. me too me too all right it feels right. tell us about wiccan. yeah um if you're interested we can do a. circle like uh circle jerk.

we love that we love it yeah yeah that's. what we did. an hour ago yeah yeah yeah. yeah. well i don't lead the circle jerks but. i'm sure you could find somebody in the. group that does sure okay sure so give. us some very open-minded people here. awesome um we'll meet at the park. tomorrow at 4pm we know the park. if you guys want to wear. cloaks. or. any kind of renaissance.

garb oh you know what this spells to me. shopping. shopping yeah whatever you feel. comfortable with and then maybe we'll do. a. uh. like a full moon ceremony i have a darth. maul is that is that gonna have a little. darth maul thing sure. i've seen that good how do you get into. wiccanism. how do you start how do you if i say i. want to be wicked yeah how do i get it. where do i go is there a book yeah. there's lots of books i think in any. bookstore i i mean i know if there's the.

religion section. what's the what's your bible called. there's no bible. but what's your but what's your holy. book called or what's the uh there isn't. one is there too many that's why the. religion's so hard to explain because. there's so many different teachings on. it but there's like there's wicked for. beginners. for beginners look at this look at the. [ __ ] cover of the book it looks tight. no it looks scary yeah that one looks. scary there's a skull of a [ __ ] deer. well yeah it's when it's dead it's got a. skull underneath what's the difference. right but.

all right we burned a lot of stuff. what do you burn like you write down on. your will you know like when i was a kid. i'd be like i want a playstation then. you'd roll it up and burn it in the. cauldron wow because you want that to. hopefully go out to the universe to. become true yeah it's like praying it's. how we pray but it's more fun i think. yeah it's definitely not eco-friendly. but i do understand yeah things you want. you must burn but but it's weird like. growing up because i also accepted jesus. into my heart because my grandma was. christian but jesus was wicked. jesus was pagan right who's pagan west.

sun god son god. i don't know it all comes from the same. place yeah they're all saying the same. thing about it. truthfully already can you say something. yeah we know nothing about it so far. yeah nothing i know it's hard to explain. i don't like talking about it very much. wait you don't i don't yeah i haven't. ever brought it into my stand up or is. there a god there's a god and a goddess. what are the names. they just are. they they're not called anything they're. not calling it.

i think awakens are lazy well it sounds. like really a lot of disorganization. lazy you know what i mean it is what it. is it is what it is it's like yeah. that's their book it is what it is yeah. i also it's not as concrete as like. catholicism no [ __ ] there's like. yeah yeah they have the vatican. i mean you guys don't have [ __ ] they. built a whole city yeah yeah that's why. they won yeah they won they won yeah. there's a bunch of lazy stoners they're. very organized could you be a wiccan. could like today still could i or could.

anybody no no are could do are you still. a wiccan today no i'm more like agnostic. if i want to label it like uh i. definitely believe in something but is. your dad still alive yeah is he still. wiccan. yeah. and your mom also my mom my mom yeah my. stepmom oh right mom yeah and i think. you've really found it after the divorce. after the what. divorce oh so he wasn't wiccan and then. he met a stepmom. and then he became wicked he met a girl.

and then he met that's what it is. no matt that's how [ __ ] powerful. women are these [ __ ] are yeah yeah. teaching us how to imagine that you're. like you know because your dad was a. christian right. uh meets this girl i think yeah maybe. right and she's like giving him this and. he's going yeah i'll join it. because it's the best pee he's ever yeah. it's the best pee he's ever had and he's. like i'll do whatever is she hot your. stepmom. he meant no it was a different lady. that he was with. after the divorce oh sucks by the way.

what was her name can we say her name. jamie yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] you she's not. alive anymore oh yeah that's a bummer. well okay. we went two different ways okay my bad. it's okay. i immediately that's a bomb really good. no it's okay and then then you met my. stepmom now who's awesome do you and. she's wiccan yeah and i think they met. at like some. can like a wicked convention. camp or something yeah is there wick and. candy i don't know the whole thing's. really confusing kind of bum summer is. almost over we do you ever go to that. psychic bookstore on ventura.

no. oh we should go there one time a psychic. bookstore it's like this jug they have. one in san diego too it's like a chain. but it's a good gigantic store where. they sell it's a mcdonald's. yeah yeah like pentagrams and well i do. want that kind of stuff i do kind of. want to break into the evil spirit world. me too i think we should get there but. there's good spirits too in the evil. spirit world well i don't go to the evil. one yeah yeah i want the evil one why. just cause like they need they need love. too. it's like i want to be an alchemist yeah.

don't you want to be you want to grind. [ __ ] and make it. i want double double boil in trouble i. want i want we can we get an alchemy set. here blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah. blah yeah yeah the whole time yeah yeah. i want to be don't want to learn about. voodoo. voodoo. have you guys been to new orleans. yeah yeah we do we have we have money. and we have uh. we've been on planes okay wow okay i. drove there. the voodoo [ __ ] is well i do love the. idea of poking a doll in and hurting the.

person. that is kind of cool god if that's real. mm-hmm who would you do. what would i do. which one would you oh whom would i do. it to yeah. well i'd start with you for fun. but would it hurt no well a few things. like what would you do. well i i i wouldn't know if i'm on stage. oh my dick. yeah yeah well you know that's i'm going. right forward yeah yeah i'm pulling i'm. putting a little taste a little hot heat. right. yeah all right i'll stop i'll stop.

well now what if people like the crowd. loved it would you keep doing that oh. yeah yeah that would be our thing yeah. but they could never know they could. never know you're behind we do a. residency in vegas you're blowing up. you're selling out [ __ ] arenas in. vegas and i want some of the [ __ ]. shine because i'm doing it behind the. scenes you don't want to give it to me. our friendship ends you blow up i hire a. contract killer to kill you. and he tries to come kill you but. instead he falls in love with you it's a. story that you've heard a thousand times. but then he can't deliver the act.

correct right you're gone so then what. you come crawling back to me yeah just. like you knew you would. it's like that lady who killed her. husband and then lit his dick on fire. afterwards. wow right so. her thinking is this he's in heaven. waiting in line. pearly gates. and he's just like. i mean what was the point of that. you do it before yeah you like the dick. on before right right not afterwards.

good ladies if you're going to light. someone's dick on fire while they're. still still alive then they can feel it. it's pointless. that's insane woman lights husbands. penis on fire yeah. wow. yeah wow yeah yeah well what'd you do. that's what happened yeah that's what i. did. what'd you do what'd you do what'd you. do to light up like it's not just a. divorce it's not just i'm sick of your. [ __ ] like murder is one thing yeah yeah. right that's another level of anger.

another level yeah yeah it's just like. me killing a wife and then just clipping. her vaginals. that's just the thought of just. getting in there yeah yeah yeah penises. somehow are easier to for my. visualization to cut off because they're. already out. you're like man it's fellaini all right. what are you going to do. no no no. no no no it's good i just wanted to burn. this penis so it belongs to me and no. one else oh this is a different story. there's a woman in burner peanut he's. alive. so this man was alive and this woman set.

her husband's penis on fire because it. belonged to her and no one else and she. didn't want it to actually get out of. control. her husband jumped out of bed knocked. over the bottle of alcohol causing a. fire to spread and resulting in one. million dollars of the damage to their. townhouse and adjacent property in. adelaide advertising i mean [ __ ] how. expensive is australia. a million dollar town house. and this woman she uh she's charged with. murder arson three counts of endangering. the life is like wow wow end of the. father father of three she had three. kids with this guy then let his [ __ ] on.

fire would you stay. yeah. you gotta stick it out you gotta stick. the kids for the death do us part yeah. yeah yeah would they put a new claws in. there till till burn until cockburn does. you part yeah i bet she's crazy in bed. though. oh yeah yeah yeah yeah oh that's my burn. side. [Laughter]. can you imagine burning any of your. gender have you ever been have you ever. had any kind of burn at all yeah i just. burned my arm on my curling iron okay.

you know three days ago i mean like a. bet like a fire. fire it does hurt i do see that a lot of. times girls get like permanent big. permanent scars from curling iron yeah. yeah i don't think it's permanent i. remember one time putting our microwave. broke and i i was a kid and i put kfc in. the oven and like the paper i just like. grabbed the tray. i didn't i forgot the whole tray got hot. that's a tough one burn. burns. like fourth degree burns not on the face. no first is the worst right is it isn't. first degree burn the worst or no is it.

the other way i don't know what to do. what's good like is eighth degree bad or. the higher the degree the more severe. the burnout okay so so fourth degree bad. is bad yeah your fourth degree is like. you need skin grafts bacon you're bit uh. yeah you're bacon harvey tanks. you're bacon yeah yeah. but because i i read a story about a guy. who met his hit high school sweetheart. she was in a fire. and i saw her the photo which is she's. probably a lovely lady right and he. stayed with her right right because he.

loves the inside right. and i was asking myself. just just let me finish. it's like when you put a good sear on a. steak. it's still medium rare inside but the. outside's crystalline. but i was asking myself would i stay of. course you would i don't know the love. of your life i don't know all right and. i want to i want to be able to say i. would well this is this age-old question.

like. if they get paralyzed in the middle of. your relationship are you sticking out. so if if your boyfriend got burnt like. this and it was burnt i mean head to toe. would you stay. you don't even understand like we have. four roommates. taking care of them in this house. so you'd leave. i don't know what i would do yeah she'd. leave you would lose it you would leave. maybe maybe i wouldn't though because. maybe. we'd work it out that insurance money. might be good yeah.

yeah. i mean i don't know all right how about. this paragraph i don't know okay what. about paralyzed what if they'd be i'd. stay you would yeah because i saw a tick. tock video there was a cheat. i mean she wants to leave but yeah. yeah too many stairs yeah yeah there was. a tick tock video of a girl who broke. her neck at her bachelorette party wow. damn her [ __ ] on her back too. she broke her [ __ ] neck and she's. paralyzed from the neck down oh yeah my.

god on her bachelorette party what do. you think she was doing that she dove. her friend pushed her in a pool oh i. thought it was gonna be see this is the. other side let's say this let's say this. oh this is so dark no no no no no i'm. saying. does your staying with your boyfriend. the burn victim does it depend on how it. happened right like one of the most. tragic versions of chemical burn you. know this around the world people. chemical burn people it's disgusting i. hate that that's disgusting i hate it so. if someone it was at the hands of. someone else you're probably more likely. to stay yeah but if they did it. themselves like.

drinking and [ __ ] doing something. stupid let themself on fire then you're. probably gonna go i gotta get out of. here that's a really good point did you. see the document of crazy love. no so in the 1950s a guy was obsessed. with this girl right. he throws battery acid in her face. [ __ ] gross blinds her ugh she marries. them what and they're still together did. he pretend to be somebody else no. they. she has to wear sunglasses because she. can't see really. she does look dope though i know she's.

like a battery acid in her eye why did. he do that to her they got into it. because he she was seeing seeing other. guys. okay can i say something though yeah and. then and nobody wanted to [ __ ] her after. that so like 10 years later she's like i. might as well just go with what guy that. threw the batteries. nobody wanted because she was blind she. had battery like scars on her face. she looks totally normal she's wearing. makeup. they're all wearing makeup. every every girl you know is wearing. [ __ ] makeup.

anyway that's i saw the documentary but. so she married this man what is. miserable [ __ ] documentary i know. it's crazy it's called crazy love yeah. yeah and she and he threw where do you. get battery acid from yeah i don't even. know how to get that how do you get. battery acid you guys even know is that. don't even. we're gonna get flagged and the fbi. fbi's gonna come here because we asked. where you get battery acid yeah why. isn't that is it illegal how do you get. acid out of a battery seems like a lot. of work. you get a whole box of double d's and. you're probably good to go.

some synthetic drugs made from battery. acid oh this is cool that's cool. they just busted a guy in l.a with like. [ __ ] 200 million dollars worth of. fentanyl did you see that. fentanyl is gonna it's gonna [ __ ]. kill everybody you can just get in the. mail from china. are you serious yeah can we order some. fentanyl to the show. fentanyl works by binding the body's. opioid receptors found in the areas of. the brain they could pain and emotions. extreme happiness draws it right so it's. a binding agent in your brain it's great. my problem with those drugs though is. they don't last long.

right are they like 15 minutes. fentanyl's aesthetic opioids 50 times. stronger than heroin 100 times stronger. oh my god. but how long does it last how long does. a fentanyl high last. four to six. hours no nasal sprays take 15 or 13. minutes but they wear off after four to. six hours. okay that's a pretty good [ __ ] high. let's get some let's get some [ __ ]. let's get all the lozenges. depending on lozenges imagine it's. disgusting what this is doing to people. though it's killing some it's just it's.

uh. yeah it's supposed to it's supposed to. be used to treat any kind of opioid or. synthetic opioid i mean have you ever. had a morphine drip. you ever had morphine and i've been. addicted to opium though i'm opiates. opiates yeah. i mean morphine in a bed in a hospital. bed how about you juice. and pill form yeah pills. yeah but no more no no were you addicted. to it. yeah. how much were you taking. i was just like vicodins and morphine.

like i would take i remember i. like partied and had a bunch of these. morphine pills and then i picked up my. friends from college and i was just like. puking in a bag but i didn't want her to. know so i like i like picked her up and. then when we got back to our apartment. she lived in a different building the. same apartment and i just i was like. i'll be right back and i just tossed the. bag up in the dumpster you got to keep. that bag of pubes yeah yeah you got to. hold that near and dear was it high good. though yeah the high was good yeah but. uh but yeah i kicked all this stuff.

gotta kick all this [ __ ] how about you. morphine any kind of opiates were you. ever addicted to. no no i mean i i mean i took i when i. shattered my leg i took uh vicodins and. i ate those things like [ __ ] candy. yeah but. i didn't like how i felt i felt well i. couldn't poop. yeah i didn't poop for like a week yeah. you don't poop with opioids it's so hard. to [ __ ] yeah so i couldn't poop i felt. so weird it's you know my my [ __ ]. vice is booze i mean i just yeah you're.

a blues guy i like the way it feels so. it's at the [ __ ] korean spa i'm not. going to tell you which one because i. want to get in trouble we spa. whatever. and literally right next to it and this. has been happening for the last year you. can ask paulie about it right. there's. just. the most beautiful women. in a building i told you right. and every time i go there and ask i go. what's going on in there get away you. don't have reservation well how do you.

make a [ __ ] resume i know guys how do. i get reservations no no no no no why do. you think it is that they won't let you. go they won't even let they won't even. [ __ ] with me there's a real brother but. look at them legit like a high-end. brothel yeah they're all in there how. come you can't get it and then a couple. one night one night i was there. and a couple of girls were going into a. van. and they look at me they go bobby lee. i'll go tell me that's you're in about. it and they just got the right and they. just drove away into the night damn it. yeah they won't tell me well okay so if. you are out there listening and you're a.

fan and you run the brothel can you. please let us know not that i would do. it i just want to call the authorities. [Laughter]. i just want to because paulie asked too. because i'm going to ask brah so he went. and asked they go no no to him too. because it's like he's a movie star. that's a dozen beautiful girls going in. and out you told me you called me or. like you wouldn't believe it but it. looks like a movie it's like a movie. it's fake it looks fake yeah. korea town what did you look up. koreatown sex workers yeah anyone live. around western and maple had noticed all.

the okay. people know yeah i just don't it's out. there i just don't know. i don't have a number i don't know the. guy i don't know a thing what if it's. just like a women's rights meet up and. you just sort of missed it it could be. that it could be yeah that would be. terrible a peta meeting. at two in the morning yeah i mean on a. saturday night i see you coming out just. eating something. in a row yeah yeah. well um i gotta say. here's the deal yeah. please everybody out there and i mean. this with all my heart and soul please.

send bobby dick pics. so we can see how many we get for the. next episode stop sending them to juice. she don't want them. she don't want them okay i gotta go test. back. you're positive i want to look put my. can i just put in my uh birthday. oh [ __ ] oh here we go if you're positive. live on the iron i'd be so [ __ ]. pissed show me. not detected negative wow. that's a great ending can i say. something by the way yeah in the history.

of this show that's been on the air for. three years now or whatever two and a. half years or something like that. do you realize the amount of times we've. been in this room with co like remember. we filmed during the middle of coven. yeah we i had it yeah. you had it yeah fancy's had it yeah. these guys have all brought it in and. come and gone jules is obviously a. little petri dish a little receptor and. a giver yeah what do they call that when. you're not when you never get sick but. you're she's a carrier carrier this this. has been a covid. family yes and i'm glad that you're. negative thank you but i don't believe.

it i don't either because i feel sick. yeah you're sick have you already. covered yeah okay good yeah you're. getting it you're part of the family. yeah you're part of family bryce have. you had it. get over here and give bobby a kiss. do it bobby he'll do it for the show. send bobby dick pics please. please please please no more to juice. vaginal ones as well. to bobby yeah oh you want both combo. send him everything. send him at all. all right juice you wanna do you wanna.

um say good saying say thank you for. being a bad friend i'd love to okay go. ahead thank you for being a bad friend. [Music]. bye.